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Our son Richie was diagnosed with Alveolar Rhabdomyosarcoma Stage IV on October 26, 2000. Richie underwent intensive chemotherapy and radiation treatment to fight this rare form of cancer. He beat the odds and was declared cancer-free in December of 2001. Unfortunately, on March 19, 2003 we received the devastating news. The cancer was back and this time in three places. It was revealed on the routine MRI scans that are done every three months. This time, it would mean chemotherapy, radiation, possible surgery and a stem-cell transplant. As our nation was going to war that night in Iraq, we found ourselves driving to the Bay Area to begin the battle on cancer once again.
September 2006 - Richie's cancer no longer stayed at bay and began to grow rapidly. He was sent home on hospice on October 5th. The cancer spread with a vengeance and claimed his life on Thanksgiving morning at 1:50 a.m.
Although, childhood cancer is one of those things that seem so absolutely unfair and completely out of the realm of understanding, our family is standing strong in their faith. We know that the Lord will provide strength and peace needed in spite of the storm we now face. Our family is surrounded by an amazing group of family and friends reaching out to us. We are so grateful for the support we have received and by all your encouraging messages we get on this website. Richie will forever be remembered for his courageous and strong spirit and how he handled everything that happened to him throughout his battle with this vicious cancer. He made an impact on everyones life he touched. He was truly a gift to us all.
New pictures on the "view photos" link up above - - and check out these albums -- just a glimpse of our summer fun.
SpiritWestCoast
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Save The South
Journal
Friday, August 29, 2008 12:59 AM PST Today was an interesting day. I discovered that I process things externally. Typically this is done in conversation but at times in writing. I guess I knew that subconsciously. Last night’s post came at a time that I was unable to work on school or work anymore. My brain just would not engage. I just started writing and at some point I felt better. Then today I got into a conversation with this guy and he shared the results of a personality inventory I did some time ago and the light just came on.
My wife, the sensitive one of the pair, pointed out that maybe what I wrote last night might be perceived in a negative light by some of the readers. Let me assure you the people that I was referring to have not read this site in quite some time, if ever. Besides, even if they did read it they would just assume I was talking about you. To the online community, particularly those outside of the local area I definitely was not referring to you. Sheri and I continue to be amazed at your dedication and concern for us and we want to thank you. Really it was her idea to thank you but I’m taking credit since I’m the one at the keyboard.
I do want to warn you that currently I am really writing from a fairly self serving point of view. As I mentioned in the past the journal was always sanitized for Richie’s protection and dignity. It was proofed by Sheri and Richie and often modified. Kind of like the government screening a document. There was a lot left out on purpose. Now I’m at a point that I don’t care anymore. Not the disrespectful type of “I don’t care anymore” but just out of a certain need to process and a certain weariness that I referenced yesterday.
I’m not even sure how much I will write. I guess I’ll know when to quit. For now it may be a little more raw in its emotion. I don’t mean to offend anybody. As I have shared in the past I can’t write out of a fear it may stir somebody’s own insecurity or baggage of some kind. I’m just going to write so I guess my official warning is READER BEWARE!
As I was saying, while I was talking to the consultant today this idea of processing just seemed to make a lot of sense. There is some sort of cleansing power that comes in the writing. Plus in a weird way it has a certain safety and anonymity to it even though I know that people I see all the time read it. That might not be a good sign. I guess it’s like puppet or play therapy where you get to pretend you are somebody else while you talk about your pain. Maybe I just need to put more effort into my writing and that would help me assimilate into some sort of normalcy.
I had a weird encounter via email a couple of weeks ago. I’m transitioning into a different role at the church. The story is too long to tell right now. I was charged with finding my replacement. One of the candidates that I was corresponding with shared this with me:
Thanks for the encouragement. It is great knowing that there are those out there who share the same philosophy of ministry. I am sure that whomever you pick will be a great next youth pastor to your students. It sounds like they will have great support. On a side note you have a great ability in writing from what I can see in your letter to applicants. If you have not used that gift in ministry you should look into using it for a blogspot, webpage, book, publication, curriculum, etc. You'd be great at it!
That was after I told him that he was not selected for the next phase of the hiring process. Maybe God’s trying to tell me something. Sometimes I think I am stubborn when it comes to listening to God.
Earlier this week a friend of mine told me, “Your not always right.” That was right before I was going to rail on some people. I’ve learned a lot about myself the last few days. I realized he was right. I had to reengage my philosophy of:
Proverbs 17:28 (New International Version)
28 Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent,
and discerning if he holds his tongue.
That has actually worked well for me. Somehow if you use less words people think you are smarter. It also gives you less opportunity to say something stupid. It works for me when I utilize it. I’m not always right, I needed to hear that. I think wisdom has a lot more to do with whether you learn from your mistakes or not.
Randy started high school on Monday and it seems to be going pretty well. He is on the tennis team. Prior to the start of the season he had about one hour total tennis experience. Half of his matches conflict with one of my classes so that sucks. I hate to opt for school over watching him but my options are fairly limited.
Tonight he and I were talking about Richie. He realizes that Sheri and I are in a funk right now. This summer while we were in Mexico he shared part of his journey with God. He did a really great job talking about how different his childhood was compared to his peers. He had to speak through a translator, Cesar who we had spent the week getting to know. Of course Randy gets to the part about Richie dying and you could tell Cesar wasn’t expecting that.
I thought it was odd the way Cesar paused a bit. Not like a surprised pause but different. Later that day Cesar explained that his older brother died two years ago. He was a fireman in Mexico and was killed fighting a fire. He was one of the people that I was referring to when I said I could identify empathy in people. I felt like he could really connect with me. Reflecting on it, the whole thing was a fairly brief exchange but there was something pure about it.
Randy didn’t want to go to Mexico this year but then he ended up having a great time and was glad he went. Sheri decided to go again so I just told Randy he didn’t have a choice. I’m glad we all went together again. It was a good experience. Randy hung out with us a lot this summer. Just the three of us. He didn’t seem to get as bored with his parents as he had in the past. He still has an impressive ability to acquire bruises, scars and scabs but he is definitely growing up.
The more counseling I do at work the more amazed I am that Randy isn’t pissed at the world or a crackhead or something. I have heard a lot of life stories and I’m still perplexed at why some people overcome the odds and some don’t. I would love to crack that code. Randy had a lot of stuff working against him and he still turned out ok. I think he is pretty remarkable. While the details were different, I think he endured as much as Richie did. I hope he realizes that.
After I posted last night, today I ended up talking to a guy today about grief. Kind of odd I thought. His story is different but he was sharing how he read a book this summer that he felt was profound. I didn’t get the title. I have 428 dollars worth of books in my backpack so I’m not looking for any leisure reading right now. He said that one of the things that stuck out for him was that you have to give yourself permission to not share how you are really feeling with some people. That created a conflict for him because he is very intentional in his desire to be transparent and authentic.
I could have saved him whatever he paid for the book. I learned that a long time ago. People don’t realize how much energy it takes to unpack the whole thing, and I’m an extrovert. So I don’t do it just to satisfy somebody’s curiosity. Some of the damage to my personality from the experience is that most people have to earn the right for me to tell them. Sometimes when I type stuff it seems a lot harsher than when it was in my head. That last line falls into that category. But that is how I often feel. Plus I’ve been burned at least one too many times. I have shared a few times and the response was either something trite or they had a quick fix for me. That usually leaves me experiencing a negative emotion and thinking things about them that definitely do not make Jesus happy. People contribute to my cynicism.
Tonight I was listening to Obama. He mentioned what he called American Cynicism. I agreed with him. It is so easy to give up on your dreams and blame it on somebody else. It is also easy to identify what is wrong with something and then just complain about it. I don’t like that about myself. I used to be optimistic to a fault. There was a silver lining to everything. Everybody got the benefit of the doubt. I’m better than I was right after Richie died but I’m not who I used to be. It is way easier for me to be critical of others and I am way more suspect of people.
While I was listening to him I was kind of embarrassed that in our 232 year history he is the first minority to get nominated. Then I thought it was kind of cool that I was watching it. It made me feel good about America that we had made some progress.
I’m a lifelong Republican that was raised by a third generation lifelong Democrat. We always discuss politics. That is a stupid statement, “Don’t discuss politics or religion”. Yeah, let’s not discuss two of the most important things in our sphere. Anyway I don’t know what I’m going to do this year. That is why I made a point to listen tonight. I think I’m becoming a conservative liberal. Randy and I have been discussing politics lately. He is intrigued that this is the last Presidential election he won’t vote in. I’m hoping he informs himself. I don’t think the problem is in Washington like everybody says. That is American Cynicism. I’m going to make that phrase famous. I think what is wrong is that the average American is fairly ignorant about who they are voting for and why.
I don’t want to be cynical anymore. I don’t want to be jaded anymore. I don’t want to be pushy and inconsiderate anymore. I think self preservation has a negative side to it.
Today while I was discussing grief with this guy I realized how fortunate I am. Sheri, Randy and I are pretty open with each other about how we are feeling. There is always the safety of that. People do genuinely care about us and for the most part respect our desire to share or not share depending on the situation. He asked me how I dealt with it, did I learn some strategies. The more I talked the more I realized I have access to quite a support network. I don’t know if it helped him out but I was encouraged.
Pressin’ On
Rich
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