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Sunday, April 11, 2010 11:42 AM CDT

TIMOTHY PAUXTIS
2-29-96 to 4-11-06


Hello Everyone,

I am not sure there is anyone still reading out there. I wanted to write today because it is Timmy's 4th anniversary that he went to Heaven. It is the most beautiful, warm day here in New Jersey. The skies are Timmy blue!!! Thank you baby.

Our family is doing well. I am going to start work as a nanny to a wonderful family with 3 children, and one more on the way! They are lovely and I think that this will be good for me. I have so much love to give. I am also still volunteering at The Ronald McDonald House. I continue to enjoy giving back to an organization that was so good to our family in our time of need.

Andrew is engaged to a beautiful girl Kristen. Their wedding is October 22, 2010. They have a happy life together, and so much good to look forward to. I would never mention it to Andrew...but I think about grandchildren all the time!

Jason is finishing up his 3rd year at The Florida Institute of Technology. He has achieved so much this year! A major accomplishment is his CFI (Certified Flight Instructor). He will be working at Monmouth Excecutive Airport in New Jersey this summer teaching others how to fly. He's only 21 years old!

Jay and I are so proud of both our boys and look forward to all the joy their lives will bring us.

My heart continues to hold onto memories of Timmy. There are days I smile when I think of him. There are days I cry when I think of all he went through and all he will never get to do. I feel so separated from him, but the love between us remains as strong as ever. I know that Timmy lives on in Heaven, and forever in my heart... and so many of his friends hearts.

With Love & Missing Timmy,

Susan.


Sunday, November 8, 2009 3:33 PM CST

If anyone is still reading....

I would like to invite you to a "Christmas Joy" Concert presented by Nancy Scharff at the Count Basie Theatre in Red Bank, NJ on Friday, December 18th, 2009 at 8:00 PM.

With Special Guests..
...Ecumenical Choir of Monmouth County
...Bell Choirs
...Gospel Choir
...Children's Chorus
...Fourteen Piece Orchestra

Tickets are $25, $20 $15 (discount for seniors)

A PORTION OF THE TICKET SALES WILL BENEFIT THE TIMOTHY PAUXTIS FOUNDATION FOR PEDIATRIC BRAIN TUMOR RESEARCH AT THE CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL OF PHILADELPHIA.

For more information call the box office at (732) 842-9000 or you can purchase tickets online at www.countbasietheatre.org

***Those attending are asked to bring a non-perishable food item for immediate assistance to the needy.

Thank you so much,
With Love & Hope Always,
Susan


Sunday, September 20, 2009 7:58 PM CDT

Saturday, April 11th, 2009

Today marks three very long years since I have last seen my Timmy. It is so hard to believe he has been gone this long. I miss him. I miss him with all my heart. It’s so incredible how hard the grief hits on this day every year. I somehow expected it to get easier. I guess maybe this is the way it will always be. It always has brought me comfort knowing that Timmy passed away during Easter Holy week. I love knowing that when Timmy left us, the gates to Heaven were wide open. I know somehow, someway Timmy’s spirit lives on. I know one day I will see my boy again. I hope then I will learn the reason why this happened to him and our family. One day, when it is my time, I will hold my son again.

I look back over the past five year’s and I am so thankful to all my family, friends, and all the wonderful people I have met and come to love from the Caringbridge community. I know without a doubt I could never have survived this journey of love, heartache, fear, brain cancer and unimaginable loss without all of you. Caringbridge has been so good to me by giving me a place to write my story...Timmy’s story. With Caringbridge’s new enhancements I can now have a Caring book made. This book will include all my journal entries from the very beginning until today. It will have pictures and guest book entries too. I will have Timmy’s story to treasure forever!

This will be my last Caringbridge journal entry.

Thank you everyone for allowing me to share a beautiful, blue-eyed little boy’s life and journey with brain cancer with you. I know Timmy will be remembered, and he will live on in many hearts forever.

It is our hope that through “The Timothy Pauxtis Foundation” we will continue to raise awareness and the much needed money for research of pediatric brain tumors.

I will miss all of you very much.

With Love, Thanks & Missing Timmy,

Susan


Saturday, April 11th, 2009 12:00 AM CDT

Timothy John Pauxtis
April 11th, 2006 to April 11th 2009

Today marks three very long years since I have last seen my Timmy. It is so hard to believe he has been gone this long. I miss him. I miss him with all my heart. It’s so incredible how hard the grief hits on this day every year. I somehow expected it to get easier. I guess maybe this is the way it will always be. It always has brought me comfort knowing that Timmy passed away during Easter Holy week. I love knowing that when Timmy left us, the gates to Heaven were wide open. I know somehow, someway Timmy’s spirit lives on. I know one day I will see my boy again. I hope then I will learn the reason why this happened to him and our family. One day, when it is my time, I will hold my son again.

I look back over the past five year’s and I am so thankful to all my family, friends, and all the wonderful people I have met and come to love from the Caringbridge community. I know without a doubt I could never have survived this journey of love, heartache, fear, brain cancer and unimaginable loss without all of you. Caringbridge has been so good to me by giving me a place to write my story...Timmy’s story. With Caringbridge’s new enhancements I can now have a Caring book made. This book will include all my journal entries from the very beginning until today. It will have pictures and guest book entries too. I will have Timmy’s story to treasure forever!

This will be my last Caringbridge journal entry.

Thank you everyone for allowing me to share a beautiful, blue-eyed little boy’s life and journey with brain cancer with you. I know Timmy will be remembered, and he will live on in many hearts forever.

It is our hope that through “The Timothy Pauxtis Foundation” we will continue to raise awareness and the much needed money for research of pediatric brain tumors.

I will miss all of you very much.

With Love, Thanks & Missing Timmy,

Susan

x


Sunday, March 1, 2009 12:00 AM CST

HAPPY 13th BIRTHDAY IN HEAVEN TIMMY….

I’ve been having a rough week….just sad and weepy. My Timmy would have become a teenager today. I can’t help but miss all the “what ifs” that turning 13 would have brought.

I had the most incredible day on Friday! I was invited back to Timmy’s school again this year to read a book for “Read Across America”. I read to the sweetest group of 2nd graders. As I read the book “Incredible You” to the class there was one little boy who caught my eye. He had that sweet innocent look that Timmy use to have. He was sensitive, quiet and just had my Timmy’s mannerisms. Watching him made me happy. Watching him made me feel close to Timmy. It was wonderful to see everyone at the school again. All the love and hugs meant a lot to me.

Thank you to my friend Lisa and family who sent our family a “Bake a Wish” cake for Timmy’s birthday. It is a triple chocolate brownie cake called a “Freedom Cake”. With the purchase of this cake, a birthday cake is being sent to a soldier serving overseas in Timmy’s name. This cake looks delectable…smells amazing…and we can’t wait to eat it.

Last night was the Ronald McDonald Houseparent Appreciation Dinner. It is a wonderful dinner, at a beautiful hotel on the ocean, to honor the volunteer house parents. It was a complete surprise, shock and honor to me that I was named “Houseparent of the Year”! I received a beautiful trophy that has stars on it and says “Above and Beyond”. A lot of really nice things were said about my commitment to the Ronald McDonald House, and how much I was appreciated. I thanked everyone by saying that when I joined the Ronald McDonald House, it was my hope to give back and make a difference. By being recognized with this award, I know that I have accomplished that. It was very emotional for me. The timing of the award, for Timmy’s birthday, felt like another sign that Timmy was watching over me.

I will be burning my special candle all day today.

Happy Birthday Timmy! I love you from one end of the earth to the other side round and round and back again! I hope Heaven is somewhere in between all that!

ANGEL OF MINE…..

I felt an angel near today,
Though one I couldn’t see.
I felt an angel, oh-so-close,
Sent to comfort me.

I felt an angel’s gentle kiss,
Soft upon my cheek.
And oh, without a single word,
Of caring it did speak.

I felt an angel’s loving touch,
Soft upon my heart.
And with that touch, I felt the pain,
And hurt within depart.

I felt an angel’s tepid tears,
Fall softly next to mine.
And knew that as those tears did dry,
A new day would be mine.

I felt an angel’s silken wings,
Enfold me with pure love.
And felt a strength within me grow,
A strength sent from above.

I felt an angel, oh-so-close,
Though one I couldn’t see,
I felt an angel near today,
Sent to comfort me.

Thank you Polly from AngelWings Remembers….this poem perfectly describes what I have been feeling the last few days.

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan








Saturday, February 21, 2009 3:44 PM CST

Hi Everyone,

It's been a while since I've updated (this update should have been posted over a month ago) but all is well with our family. Time and life continue to move on as we approach Timmy's 13th birthday and 3rd angel anniversary. I cannot believe that Timmy would have been 13 years old on February 29th (or March 1st this year). He was 10 years old when he became an angel. I have seen many of his friends, and it amazes me how much they have changed and grown. Timmy's friends have gotten taller, their voices are crackling and they have braces. The girls, well, they are young women now. I love that they say "Hi Mrs. Pauxtis" when they see me and talk to me. I thought they would be afraid to talk to me since seeing me may be a reminder of something scary and painful. As much as it hurts me to see Timmy's friends, I somehow feel closer to my boy when I do. The bond of love between a mother and child definitely goes on in many ways. I still feel so much love in my heart for him.

The week before Christmas Jay, Jason and I went on a cruise. We were so lucky to have 7 glorious days of sunshine. We went to Puerto Rico, St. Kitts's and St. Martens. St. Kitts' was my favorite island. We went on a full day catamaran ride around this beautiful island. The water was crystal clear turquoise. We went snorkeling and saw beautiful tropical fish of all different shapes and colors. We ate Caribbean food, and yes, I drank rum punch. It was truly the most relaxing day I have had in such a long time.

I'm sure everyone saw the "Miracle on the Hudson" US Airways plane incident that landed in water. Our Continental Airlines plane had just taken off from Newark airport in route to Florida when I noticed that the plane was having trouble gaining altitude. I had a sense something was wrong. There was also a very bad smell throughout the plane. The pilot got on the intercom and told us that we had hit a flock of geese and they went through one of the engines. The smell was that of cooked geese! We had lost one of the engines and would be returning to Newark Airport. The plane slowly flew back to the airport. We were given clearance to land right away. It was unbelievable to see fire trucks and ambulances on the runway awaiting our arrival! Thank goodness the pilot did an amazing job of landing the plane. It's hard to believe that these geese can cause such problems.

I think Christmas is the hardest holiday to try to celebrate when you have lost a child. It was a painful and sad day. I missed my boy so very much. This year I once again set up a small Christmas tree next to Timmy's stone at the cemetery. We spent a nice Christmas day at my brother's house with my family. Andrew and Jason were both home for a while. It was so good to have them around this quiet house again.

The best news I have to tell everyone is that Jay and I went to The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia on January 26th to give Dr. Peter Phillips the $70,000 raised from Timmy's Tour de Shore. Originally the amount was much lower, but through the generosity of several people, and different organizations, we were able to match the amount given last year.

Children's Hospital of Philadelphia has changed so much. Some of the new research buildings have been completed. Many are still going up. I felt such a sense of hope when I looked at these buildings. I envisioned scientists and researchers working tirelessly to find that cure for children's cancer and brain tumors.

After meeting Dr. Phillips, Jay and I headed over to the oncology floor. It has been almost 3 years since I've been there. A friend from a local foundation Toys Calm gave us over 40 beautiful teddy bears to give to the children in the waiting room. I was scared to death to go, but wanted the children to have these bears. We got there after 4:30pm and the only people around were the receptionists. The receptionists were thrilled with the bears, and promised to give them to the children the next day. The oncology waiting area has changed quite a bit. It's more child friendly now. The day hospital is now named after Alex Scott of Alex's Lemonade Stand. I am sure that they must be the biggest supporter that the Neuro-Oncology Department of CHOP has. They are doing an incredible job raising the money that pediatric brain tumor researchers need.

I am still volunteering at the Ronald McDonald House. I can't believe I have been there over two years now. I am at the place now where I am able to sincerely talk, encourage, sympathize or just give a hug to anyone who may need it. I can hold in my pain, and my tears, and give these people what they need...and that makes me feel good!

Andrew and Jason are doing great! I keep saying that I am very lucky that my boys are doing so well. Andrew is still living in Connecticut and working hard. He has his own business now doing advertising for various companies on the internet. Jason...I am so proud of him, but I think one day what he is doing will give me a nervous breakdown! Jason is busy accumulating hours flying all different types of planes. He is certified to fly just about everything now. The course he is taking now is "Aerobatics". Yes, my son is doing loops and flying upside down! I just hope and pray all the time that he stays safe. Jason and I both like to believe that Timmy is his guardian angel, watching over him and keeping him safe.

Thank you to all of you who still come here to check in on me. I do not write very often, but I am here. I continue to follow all the children who battle on. A piece of my heart rips open again every time we lose another child, or when a chemotherapy fails. I took so hard the passing of Hadley whose journey I have followed for years. Hadley had the same tumor that Timmy did. www.caringbridge.org/ca/hadleyfox.

If any one is in New Jersey on Saturday, March 7th, there will be a fundraiser hosted by Genna and Rosie's family for NF (Neurofibromatosis). It is called Coffeehouse for a Cure. It is an evening of musical performances, raffles and the best home-made cookies ever, and of course coffee. I go each year just to get a hug from Genna! Please check out their website at www.caringbridge.org/nj/gennahenna for more details, or to make a donation please.

One more thing...once again this year we are offering a one time $1,000 scholarship to any student at Middletown North, South and Mater Dei High Schools, pursuing nursing as a career. This scholarship is in memory of Timmy, and to honor the pediatric nurses who took such good care of Timmy, and our family when Timmy was sick. For more information, please email me SusanPaux@yahoo.com.

Please join me in lighting a candle, saying a prayer, and remembering Timmy on March 1st for his birthday.

Missing All of You & Missing Timmy,

Love,
Susan

PS...Slide show coming soon.



Saturday, November 1, 2008 6:49 PM CDT

TIMMY'S TOUR DE SHORE, OCTOBER 12, 2008

Sunday, October 12th was the most beautiful, sunny day! For the second year in a row we had Timmy blue skies. The 70 degree weather was perfect for our bike-riding event!

At least 20 of us arrived at Fort Hancock in Sandy Hook at 6 am to get everything set up. I am so grateful to all my wonderful friends who came out in the cool, early morning darkness to get everything ready for what was to be a busy day. We had a big U-Haul truck to unload! Everyone went to work setting up the registration tent, the food tent and the kids craft tent. We had a tremendous amount of food that was donated by the company of a wonderful family whose son is a brain tumor survivor. There was apples, oranges, bananas, fruit salad, crumb cake, bagels, all kinds of Hostess treats, Clif Bars, donuts, coffee, juice and so much more.

Jay and I were so much calmer and better prepared this year. It was nice to be able to greet people and take in everything that was going on. The only glitch (and I was not happy about it at all!) was when the generator, that was donated, did not work when we went to turn it on! No electric meant no coffee, no disc jockey, no radio station, no microphone, and no air compressor to pump up bike tires. The New Jersey State Police came to our rescue when with one quick phone call; about a half hour later came a new generator. The New Jersey State Police were there once again with their SWAT vehicles, equipment, trooper cars, and most amazing of all a helicopter fly over later in the day. We had a bounce house, a craft tent with face-painting, tattoo's, sandy candy and other fun crafts. We had a wonderful clown making balloon animals too. Later in the day a great band called "Sibling Rivalry" performed for the crowd. They were a big hit!

Lunch was also donated by a local restaurant named Ross's Dockside Restaurant in Sea Bright. Over 350 hot dogs were served, and the most delicious apple-cranberry salad! Thank you again Michael Ross!

It was wonderful to see so many friends there. Thank you Camiolo family for being there. I know how busy you all have been. I appreciate your friendship and support of our event very much. Most important, I don't think I could have made it through the day without my Genna hugs! We also had other families there that we knew from CHOP, with children who are survivors, and families of angels. Having them all there meant so much to me. Seeing everyone reminds me (especially when my heart is hurting) of how important all of this is that we are doing.

Towards the end of the event I spoke shortly to the crowd, thanking everyone for their support. I spoke about pediatric brain tumors and raising awareness. I spoke about my beautiful brave little boy, who the event was in memory of. It was Timmy's love of bike riding and the beach that motivated us to create Timmy's Tour de Shore. We were thrilled that Timmy's Oncologist, Dr. Peter Phillips from The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia could join us too. He spoke to the crowd for a few minutes about brain tumors, lack of funding and the need for research. He also thanked everyone for being there and their support of research at CHOP. Afterwards, we were presented with a huge donation of $10,000 by a local foundation for kids fighting cancer! I just couldn't believe it! I never expected this kind of generosity in this horrible economy.

By our count we had over 460 bike riders for Timmy's Tour de Shore 2008! There were also hundreds of onlookers. The day was a huge success, and to date we believe we will be donating $60,000 for pediatric brain tumor research at The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia!

It is 3 weeks later and Jay and I have recovered from Timmy's Tour de Shore. We truthfully are not looking forward to the upcoming holidays, but we have planned to go on a much needed vacation in December. We are going on a cruise again! It will just be Jay, Jason and me. My Andrew is too busy with work to come with us.

Please keep all the children battling cancer and brain tumors in your thoughts and prayers. Remember Gabbie, Genna, Rosie, Drew, Jordan, Hadley, Grace and so many more. Remember the angel families, especially now as the holidays approach. These days really don't get any easier. We all miss our children so much.

Thank you everyone for still reading my Caringbridge journal and for all the messages. I love you Susan and Kristin for stalking me. It motivates me to write! I find the words harder to write these days, so the updates will be far and few.

Check out the slideshow below of Timmy's Tour de Shore 2008. Let the pictures tell the story!

With Love, Hope & Missing Timmy,
Susan



Thursday, October 9, 2008 9:07 AM CDT


Hello Everyone,

It has been over 2 months since I've written here. I guess planning a major fund raising event takes up some of my time! It is unbelievable to me that on October 11th it will be 2 1/2 years since Timmy became an angel. I still think of Timmy all the time. I miss Timmy all the time. When I think of him my eyes usually well up with tears. That is because I remember his sweet smile, his silliness, and all the love that he gave me. I hardly ever think of the bad stuff anymore. I love to think of Timmy in Heaven playing, laughing and most of all healed and healthy. I wish there was some way we could know what Heaven is like. I know we can't, so that is why I hold onto what my faith tells me. Timmy is in a beautiful place, and I know that someday I will see him again.

I still go to the cemetery almost every day of the week. During the summer it was so peaceful there. I loved sitting under the tree by Timmy's stone. I would fix up all his little things, plant flowers, water the flowers, and always make sure his eternal candle was burning. I look for signs all the time when I'm there. If a butterfly goes by...I wonder if Timmy sent it. I look to the sky often and wonder "where are you Timmy". I don't really believe I have gotten any signs from Timmy, but I keep hoping. Sometimes at night when I look up at a star filled sky, I imagine that the stars are lights shining through from Heaven. The row Timmy is buried in is almost completely full now. He was the only one there 2 1/2 years ago.

Timmy's Tour de Shore is just 3 days away! So much planning and work goes into an event like this. I truly am exhausted! I am also very excited and believe that it will be a great day. Right now the weather forecast is for sunshine and 70 degrees! That is perfect weather for a bike ride, and day full of fun, music and lots of food. Timmy's buddies, the New Jersey State Troopers will be there with their SWAT Team, motorcycles and they will do a fly over with a helicopter. Most of all I am excited to again help raise money and awareness about pediatric brain tumors. The money once again will be awarded to the Neuro-Oncology Department at The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. If any one is interested in riding or donating, please go to Timmy's Tour de Shore . You can register also the same day of the Tour de Shore.

Both my sons will be coming home for Timmy's Tour de Shore (with their girlfriends :)) It will be nice to have them all together in this usually very quiet house. I love that they get to be a part of this event in memory of their brother. I know that they are doing okay, but being part of this event can only help with their healing and missing Timmy.

A wonderful woman from my church approached me about writing an article about Timmy for a small local newspaper. I have been having so much trouble with the bigger papers publishing anything about The Tour de Shore and Timmy this year. I was hurt and mad because I thought they considered Timmy "old news" and didn't want to write about him anymore. This woman gave me the greatest gift with the article she wrote about Timmy. I didn't know what she would name the article, but it was perfect and made me happy. It is called "Remembering Timmy". I've included the link to the article here. The Monmouth Journal


Please keep all the children battling brain tumors and cancer in your thoughts and prayers. Especially remember Gabbie, Genna, Rosie, Drew, Grace, Jordan and precious Hadley who is nearing the end of her brain tumor journey right now. Hadley's site. Also remember all the angel children and their families who are always thinking of them, loving them and missing them. We need to find a cure now! Jay and I will always continue to do our part in trying to help.

Happy 24th birthday to my son Andrew! I love you and am so proud of you.

Wish us luck with Timmy's Tour de Shore on Sunday. As soon as I have a chance, I will update and post some pictures of the event.

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan


Saturday, August 2, 2008 6:07 PM CDT


TIMMY'S TOUR DE SHORE
REGISTRATION DAY 2008
_______________________________________

Registration begins Sunday, August 24, for the 2008 Timmy's Tour de Shore, an annual bicycle ride aimed at raising money for pediatric brain tumor research. Participants can sign up between 10a.m. and 2p.m. in front of Whole Foods Market or Blue Tulip, both located in Middletown Township's Chapel Hill Plaza on State Highway 35 North. Those who shop at Blue Tulip during registration hours will see 15 percent of their purchase price donated to The Timothy Pauxtis Foundation , a Middletown Township-based non-profit organization established in memory of 10-year-old Timmy Pauxtis, who died two years ago of a brain tumor. The 2008 Timmy's Tour de Shore is slated for Sunday, October 12, at Fort Hancock in Sandy Hook. All proceeds will be awarded to The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, where Timmy received his treatment. For more information, go to www.tourdeshore.org or call Jay at 732-233-9841.


Hello Everyone,

Write...Write...Write...That's what my therapist use to say when my pain from missing Timmy became raw. This summer has been hard. I have found myself doing so much more, going places, seeing people, seeing Timmy's friends. Timmy's friends are all 12 years old now. They have grown taller, filled out and their voices are changing. In my mind I picture my sweet boy at the age of 12...what would he look like? I know he would be so tall and skinny. What would be his favorite thing to do...his favorite sport? Would he still be so affectionate to me, and not be embarrassed to say "I love you momma" all the time. I missed Timmy so much yesterday when I went to the beach with my friends and their kids. The beach was so crowded. I heard the roar of children laughing. I watched all the children bogie-boarding. Timmy loved to bogie-board. Some of my last good memories of Timmy were of him at Ocean City, Maryland. He had right-sided weakness; he limped and had limited use of his right hand. He was puffy from the dam steroids. Timmy took his bogie-board, wrapped the strap around his wrist and limped right into the ocean. Nothing was going to stop him! I remember the magical smiles on his face as the rode the waves in. Yesterday as I sat in my chair at the beach, I cried behind my sunglasses for what I miss with all my heart...what I can only now imagine in my head. So I write it all down here today with the hope of finding some comfort and peace.

The summer has been busy! Jay and I went to Sacramento, California in mid-June to visit his mom, dad and brother. It was a good trip because Jay has not seen his family in a long time. We kept very busy eating out a lot and sight-seeing. The day time temperature was close to 110 degrees. I thought it was wonderful, until the third day when it became totally exhausting! One day we went to a winery called Mt. Vernon Winery. We saw the rows of grapes growing on the vines, and the big kegs they make the wine in. The place was breathtaking! Of course the best part was the wine tasting room where we sampled at least 8 different bottles of wine...so good! Of course we purchased quite a few bottles to sneak home on the plane with us.

In July, we went to The Frances Foundation Picnic. This is the foundation that donated a lot of money last year to Timmy's Tour de Shore. The Frances Foundation supports families of children with cancer, children's hospitals and research. They are very active in the lives of many children, and make such a difference. I gathered together a group of about 20 friends, and their children, and attended their picnic. It was a beautiful day, and we had so much fun for a great cause.

Next up was The Ronald McDonald Golf Tournament also in July. I volunteered my services as a hole-spotter that day. Along with two 16 year old girls, I got to hide behind a tree on hole #11 for over 4 hours. On hole #11 if you got a hole in one...you would win $10,000! As a hole-spotter we had to make sure that the player actually got the hole in one. I can't even begin to tell you how many balls came flying our way. It truly was down right dangerous, but hysterical at the same time. I learned to listen for someone yelling "four" which means watch out the ball is heading your way, and you better hide good behind that tree! I had so much fun with these two 16 year old girls. Talking with them and being with them just made me feel so good. No one ever did win the $10,000, but the tournament was successful.

Very soon we will be heading back to Florida to settle Jason in at The Florida Institute of Technology for his second year. He is excited! He will have his own room in a new dormitory. He was able to pick the friends he will share this suite with this time. He is happy with his schedule, and excited about flying again! It was great this summer having him home, and of course I will miss him like crazy.

Andrew is doing great too! He is working full time at an insurance company in Connecticut, and enjoying his summer with his girlfriend. I don't really see him very much, but his life is full of all good things! I really am very lucky that both my boys' lives are moving in such positive directions.

So on to what's happening with Timmy's Tour de Shore. Jay and I are crazy busy planning the 2008 Timmy's Tour de Shore, which is going to be held on Sunday, October 12th. Our sponsors are slowly coming in, and we are hopeful for a great turnout like last year. It's easy to see that times are hard on many people, but we are hoping that we can raise or surpass the $70,000 that we raised last year. All money raised will once again be awarded to the Neuro Oncology Research Department at The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. Jay and I so strongly believe that only scientific research will identify the causes and lead to more effective treatments, and hopefully someday a cure for children with brain tumors. For more information please go to www.tourdeshore.org

I continue to follow many children on their brain tumor journeys. It disturbs me how a child can be stable for such a long time and then all of a sudden the monster that is lurking changes or grows. Please keep Gabbie, Genna, Drew, Jordan, Hadley, Grace B. and Grace M, and so many other children in your thoughts and prayers. As always, my heart is with all the other angel moms, especially my friends Lisa and Sarah. I'm sorry that I don't sign Caring bridge guestbooks much anymore, but please know that I think of you all often. I will never forget all the love and support we have all given each other. I will never forget how brain tumors changed all our lives.

This update is certainly an epic for me. I hope everyone made it to the end. I will definitely update again before the Tour de Shore.

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan


Tuesday, June 10, 2008 4:09 PM CDT

Hello Everyone,

I am so sorry for the delay in updating. Life has been busy and a bit overwhelming! May was an extremely busy and emotional month. I never seem to sit at my computer very much anymore. I promise, I do check in on my favorite children and their families many times a week. So let me tell you all what has been going on.

On May 11th (Mother's Day) my son Andrew graduated from Quinnipiac University in Connecticut, with his Master's Degree in Information Systems, and a 3.9 GPA! It was a beautiful warm, sunny day. Andrew's girlfriend Kristen, Jay and I were there to cheer him on! I am one very proud mom. I cannot believe that my first born son has graduated from college, has a job, and is now on his own. Like I said...I am so proud. I look forward to watching Andrew's life continue on now. I hope and pray for much happiness in the days ahead for him.

On May 15th, we attended the Northern Monmouth Chamber of Commerce's Crystal Beacon Award Dinner. The Timothy Pauxtis Foundation received the award for "Non-Profit Organization of the Year". It was the most amazing night! I didn't know what to expect...who to expect. There were about 200 people there. There were mostly politicians, business people and of course many of our family and friends there. I was told that someone from The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia was going to be there to present our award to us. I really had to see it to believe it. At our table there was an empty seat, so I kept looking. At about 8PM, through the door enters Dr. Peter Phillips, (Timmy's neuro-oncologist from CHOP). He came over to our table and gave me the biggest hug and hello! I couldn't believe he was there! I must have said to him many times through the night "I cannot believe you are here". He said that being there was nothing compared to the trips that we would make daily to CHOP, for such a long period of time. When it was time to give us our award, Dr. Phillips went up to the podium and proceeded to bring me to tears when he personally spoke about Timmy, and what a very special brave child he was. I cried into my linen napkin trying to stop the tears. I knew I would have to give my thank you speech, and so many people were looking at me. Jay and I did accept our award, and I did give my thank you speech. I was able to share Timmy's battle against a brain tumor with many people that night. I was also able to educate many people about pediatric brain tumors. I know Timmy's story touched many hearts that night. We met wonderful people from the community, who I hope will be a big support to us when it is time for Timmy's Tour de Shore 2008. It really was a night that I will never ever forget.

Jason is home! On Saturday, May 17th, Jay flew down to Melbourne, Florida to help him with the drive home. Jason had his car completely packed with all his college things. He picked his dad up at the airport, and they proceeded to drive back to Middletown, NJ. They made it home on Sunday, May 18th by 9PM. I cannot even begin to say how good it is to have Jason home. He has a part time job and plans on doing some flying this summer.

Okay, not many people would admit it, but on May 31st I turned 50 years old! Years ago, I would have dreaded turning 50, but my attitude now is that I am lucky to be 50 years old. My son only lived to be 10 years old, so I will treasure each and every year that God gives to me. We also celebrated Jason's 20th birthday on June 1st. Our whole family went out to eat at a delicious restaurant on the ocean. The weather was beautiful that day. There was such sadness without Timmy there, but I felt him so very close by and so deep in my heart.

I continue to stay busy volunteering at the Ronald McDonald House at least once a week. I wish I could share some stories about the nice families I have met there, but I must respect their privacy. I never tell any of the families about losing Timmy. I never want any of them to give up hope. I have shared Timmy's story with one family who lost a child. I do believe it helped them, because I can understand their pain.

The planning of Timmy's Tour de Shore 2008 is well underway. The date is October 12, 2008. We are working on obtaining sponsors and updating the Active fundraising/registration website. It's hard to believe that it is only four months away.

Please check out this fantastic website: www.arcticride.com there is a man named Terry Simpkins who is riding his motorcycle from Yorktown, Virginia to the Artic Circle in the Yukon Territory of Canada! That's at least 10,000 miles! He is raising money for the Pediatric Brain Tumor Foundation in memory of a beautiful boy named Matthew www.caringbridge.org/va/matthew who passed away from a brain tumor 5 years ago. Matthew's mom and dad were very supportive of our family during the most difficult days with Timmy. His dad even visited Timmy at the cemetery one day when he was visiting family here in New Jersey.


From my new favorite show "Army Wives"

"To live in hearts you leave behind, is not to die"

"NOW is the time to tell those you love, that you love them"


With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan




Saturday, May 3, 2008 4:25 PM CDT

Hi Everyone,

Yes, I know it's been a while. I just read the last message in the guest book and it prompted me to write. Hearing that people still check Timmy's website, think of him (even after two years) and pray for our family makes me smile.

Life continues to pull me along, whether I like it or not. I really do want to move on with my life. I know Timmy would want me to. There are some days that I feel very good, like I am moving on and being productive. Then out of no where, something will happen and the grief is so intense again. I don't think I will ever be free from having grief bursts. In a way, I want them because they keep my connection to Timmy alive. The grief enables me to feel the love that is still so deep in my heart for my boy.

It's strange for such a long time I couldn't remember my life with Timmy. Where did all those memories go for eight years before brain cancer? Slowly they are coming back. Its strange how something will just pop into my head and it is so feels magical. I hope over time I will continue to remember more of the wonderful memories of my life with Timmy.

After a very blah...rainy...cold April comes a busy May for me. Next weekend, on Mother's Day, my son Andrew graduates once again with his Master's Degree from Quinnipiac University. Jay and I will be going up there for the weekend. Andrew is doing so well. He already has a great job lined up and a place to live. I thought children were suppose to come back home after college? I would have liked that, but I am happy and proud that Andrew is doing so well.


As for Jason, he is still in Florida. The semester was over last week, but Jason has chosen to stay for a few extra weeks so he can work on his commercial pilot's license. It is very quiet around here....I miss being mom to my boys.

I don't remember if I wrote about this...but I have some really good news to share with everyone. The Northern Monmouth Chamber of Commerce www.northernmonmouthchamber.com has a dinner each year where awards are given to people and organizations that have made a difference in our community. Much to our surprise, The Timothy Pauxtis Foundation was nominated, and won for Non-Profit Organization of the Year! I cannot believe it! After only one year with the Foundation we were noticed and made a difference. On May 15th, our family, plus lots of friends will be attending a dinner at a very nice local hotel. The people planning this are trying to bring together all the important people that have been a support to us. I know the Middletown Police, Middletown Village School teachers, and the NJ State Police have been invited. I also was told, and I won't believe it until I see it, that a doctor from Children's Hospital of Philadelphia is coming to present us with the award! How crazy is that! Jay and I are very low-keyed people and all of this is scaring the heck out of me. I will never get use to getting up and speaking in front of people. I feel so funny about getting this award...it really wasn't necessary to award us for doing something that was so important to us. I promise to take lots of pictures and post them here.

I also have two other Foundation dinners to attend. On May 16th, I will be going to the www.thekortneyrosefoundation.org dinner. Kortney was a little girl, same age as Timmy, who passed away about three weeks after Timmy. She had a brain stem glioma. She also was a patient at CHOP. Her mom Kristen is amazing...she continues to raise awareness and lots of money for research of pediatric brain tumors at CHOP too. Last year they donated $75,000 to support research!

On May 17th, I am attending a dinner for the Luke Nesbihal Scholarship Fund. Luke was a beautiful young man who died tragically months before Timmy. Luke is buried very close to Timmy. His mom Sharon and I have also become friends. The cemetery is a strange place to meet people, but you can meet the most wonderful people there.

I am still very much volunteering at the Ronald McDonald House and enjoying it a lot. I helped them set up for a big gala that they are having tonight. The theme is "An Evening at Tiffany's". I am not going, but I know it will be a fantastic night, and lots of money will be raised for our house.

Planning for Timmy's Tour de Shore on October 12th is moving along. We have started to work on our sponsors. I am so hopeful that with potential new contacts from the Chamber of Commerce Dinner that we will have many new supporters/sponsors this year.

Well this war in Iraq has hit very close to home. My 26 year old nephew Cody Pauxtis, who is a Navy Sea bee, was deployed to Iraq a few weeks ago. If you are reading this Cody, know that I am so proud of you! Please stay safe! Please keep Cody in your prayers.

Thank you everyone for still checking in on me. You will never know how much it means to me. You all are a connection to Timmy for me too.

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan


Friday, April 11th, 2008 8:00AM

Hello Everyone,

Today marks the second anniversary since my Timmy passed away. There are no words to write today that I haven't written before. Timmy is so very much missed, so very much loved, and will live on in my heart forever.
_________________________________________________________________________

REMEMBER ME WITH LOVE
by Gail Fasolo

As years pass by, and others rarely mention my name, remember me with love. When my anniversary date arrives, take a moment to say my name out loud. If tears fall, let them! Wherever you are...I am. I live in your heart, mind, and soul. Don't worry; you will never forget me and we will be together again.

I have taught you about a mother's love in a way nothing else possibly could. Don't waste this lesson. Use the love you still possess to give to others. Comfort others who've had a loss; do it in my memory. And besides that, a little bit of me lives on in each person you touch. You have the power to make my legacy one I would be proud of.

Light a candle, buy a rose, and perform an "act of kindness". Simple things. But then, our love is so great; no remembrance could ever be large enough to show how much you love me. For true love has no boundaries. And don't forget... I love you too! Look at a puffy cloud, flower or bird. Have no doubt "my angel spirit" is!

Contemplate the many gifts I've left, and how I've affected your life in a good way. I've shown you how precious life is and have given you a greater appreciation of it. I've let you discover how strong you really are. I hope my short time here has made you discover what's really important. Has it made you a better person? I hope so!

Your faith has been tested and, hopefully strengthened. I hope your heart is filled with peace. Most of all, know that our love is eternal!

"If you think of me today
I'll be rejoicing from above
To know you have remembered me
With your precious mother's love"

_______________________________________________________________________

Every time I read this poem, I cry and then smile. It speaks to my heart as I am sure it will to many angel moms.

Today I ask all of you who read this to say my Timmy's name...remember him.

A "mother's love" for her child is constant...it lives on even when that child is not physically here anymore. I happen to think that we mom's are very strong and special people. I truly have learned so many lessons about love, life and sacrifice because I was allowed to be Timmy's mom for ten years. I have tried to use my "mother's love" during the past two years to give back to others...to comfort others...to help find a desperately needed cure for pediatric brain tumors. I hope like the poem says, Timmy's legacy will live on in every person's life that I touch.

As for Timmy's "angel spirit", I believe it does indeed live on. I know his angel spirit is still loving me from a place that I hope some day, when it is my time; I will hold him and love him again. That's my definition of Heaven...holding Timmy again.

I am still working on finding peace in my heart. I hope that in time,and through all that I do...I will find it.

Thank you everyone for your love, support, prayers and hugs!

With Love & Remembering Timmy,
Susan












Thursday, April 3, 2008 8:10 PM CDT

Dear Everyone,

I don't know where all the time has gone. March has just flown by! It was a good, very busy month. I needed to keep busy after Timmy's birthday. It helps so much with the sadness. I am almost two years into my grief work and it still amazes me how much I miss and think about Timmy. It seems like everything I do in my life now is to honor Timmy and remember him. It still hurts so much. I often get hard on myself because I feel like I am not moving on beyond the grief. I think it's going to take a very long time. As many of you know April 11th will be two years since Timmy passed away. How could that possibly be? I miss him so much.

I will quickly sum up the events in March. Jay and I went to Coffeehouse for a Cure, a fundraiser organized by Genna's mom for NF research. It was a great evening filled with music, cookies, raffles and so very many people. It was a great success! It raised awareness and over $8,000 for research. Genna was so cute. She knew that I was expecting a big hug from her. I was searching for her in this crowded room. When I found her...she wrapped her arms around me and said "I've been looking for you"! I also had a fun night attending the Ronald McDonald House's Houseparent Appreciation Dinner. I am official now with my own name tag that says "Houseparent" on it. The Coach bag gift basket did very well at the Middletown Village School Gift Auction. It raised over $1,000 for the Timothy Pauxtis Foundation!

Jay and I had a nice Easter in Florida with Jason. The weather was cool so we didn't get much beach time in. Jason attends the Florida Institute of Technology in Melbourne and is working towards his Aviation degree. He really is a great pilot already. The reason I say that is because I went flying with him for the first time! (See slideshow below) I was very nervous about flying in a small plane. I hate heights, but it didn't bother me. Jason flew us up and down the coastline, over the ocean, and his college for about an hour. It was amazing! I am so proud of him.

We are slowly starting to work on the planning of Timmy's Tour de Shore 2008. We almost have all the permits from all the towns. Tuesday night we went to the town of Sea Bright to attend their committee meeting. The committee needed to vote on and approve our permit request again. This was the town that gave us so much trouble last year. The vote was a unanimous yes! I stood up at the end of the meeting to thank the committee for their support. They were smiling and had tears in their eyes when I told them we raised and donated $70,000 for pediatric brain tumor research at The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. One of the committee members even shared with me that his wife died from GBM (a very aggressive brain cancer). We are reaching people, and teaching people about this horrible disease, and that makes me feel very good.

On April 10th, Jay and I will be attending a reception at The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia honoring members of "The Founders Society". This is the hospitals way to thank The Timothy Pauxtis Foundation and many other foundations/groups that have raised a lot of money for research. We will be meeting the President and Chief Executive Officer of CHOP. I am hopeful that we will see some of our favorite doctors and nurses too!

As always, thank you everyone for still checking in on me. I always feel that I should stop writing...but I just can't. This journaling helps so much. I have made friendships here that I hope will last a lifetime.

Please, please keep all the children battling cancer and brain tumors in your thoughts and prayers. A good friend of mine Ori, who was always there for me when times were so hard with Timmy, is having some very tough times right now with her daughter Gabbie. Please visit her website and leave some words of encouragement. The website is: www.caringbridge.org/visit/gabriellehughes Ori also has a great store where she is selling products to raise money for NF. She will custom design anything for you.

Happy 84th birthday to my wonderful dad! I am so lucky to still have my mom and dad both here for me.

I will update again on April 11th with a beautiful poem called "Remember Me with Love" in memory of Timmy, and all the other angel children.

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan



Friday, February 29, 2008 8:00AM CST

Today is Timmy's 12th birthday. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIMMY! I hope you can hear me. I hope you can feel all the love that is in my heart for you. How I wish I knew what Heaven was really like. In my mind I imagine birthdays being spectacular in Heaven. I hope that you get to feel very special today. You are special Timmy. Even after almost two years I can still see you...those sparkling blue eyes and that beautiful smile. I think I can still remember where every freckle was on your body. Most of all I remember how wonderful your hugs and kisses were. You loved your momma so much."

"I miss you Timmy...Dad, Andrew and Jason too. Your big brothers will be away and busy at school. We won't be able to spend your birthday together, but I know that they carry you around with them always. Your friends also still think of you Timmy. Some of your closest friends give me the best hugs. I like to believe they are from you. I know today they will be thinking of you, and of course missing you."


I was asked to do something very special on Timmy's birthday. The principal at Timmy's school, Middletown Village invited me to school today to read a book to a class for "Read Across America". Read Across America is a state-wide, maybe even nation wide event that celebrates the joys of reading. I picked a book called "Incredible You" by Dr. Wayne Dyer. It is a book with a message about how to let your greatness shine through. I am nervous about going back to the school, but really Middletown Village School was a place that Timmy loved. It was a place where Timmy was loved. I remember how I once said that the teachers and children at his school were his best medicine. It will be a good place to be on his birthday. I plan on going to 12pm mass with some friends and then to visit Timmy. Of course we will end the day with that chocolate birthday cake!


Well, March is starting off busy. Jay and I will be going to Coffeehouse for a Cure...a fundraiser for NF (www.caringbridge.org/nj/gennahenna), and I have the Ronald McDonald House Houseparent Appreciation dinner. I also have the Middletown Village Gift Auction where we will be raffling off a great gift basket, (looks like it is going to be a beautiful Coach bag) for the Timothy Pauxtis Foundation. All the letters have been sent out to get permits for Timmy's Tour de Shore 2008 on October 12th. I hope it all works out. It's also time to start looking for a recipient of The Timothy Pauxtis Scholarship for Nursing, and a much needed trip to Florida.

Thank you all for continuing to be there on this journey of loss, love and hope with me. Your prayers, messages and love continue to bring me comfort. I never thought I could go on without Timmy, but with the grace of God, family and friends I somehow do.

Happy Birthday Timothy John Pauxtis. I love you from one end of the earth to the other side round and round and back again!

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan



Timmy's 'in remembrance' in the Asbury Park Press






Friday, February 8, 2008 7:59 PM CST

Hello Everyone,

I've missed all of you. I have missed writing here. I've been struggling the last few months. I have just felt uncomfortable about sharing my sadness. I always try to put on a brave, happy face and tell everyone I am fine. I have had a hard time doing that lately so I haven't been writing.

My house is so very quiet. I miss all my boys. I have found that I am having a hard time adjusting from being a busy mom, to becoming an empty nester. I try to keep busy. I still volunteer at the Ronald McDonald House. I even attempted to get a job during the Christmas season, but got scared and never followed through. That's what happens when you don't work for over 23 years. It's been 22 months since Timmy passed away and I am still trying to figure out what it is I am suppose to do next. Dam...this grieving journey is so hard.

Two days ago I went to the cemetery to visit Timmy. As I drove into the cul de sac, I noticed a vault and a hole dug right next to Timmy. It upset me so much. I liked having my private little place with Timmy, under the tree, all to myself. Now someone is buried next to him. I knew it would happen some day...but not this soon. The cemetery has so many empty spots. Why did they have to pick a spot next to Timmy? This may sound crazy to all of you, but welcome to my world.

Timmy's birthday will be soon. My boy was born on Leap Day, February 29th, 1996. Timmy would have been 12 years old this year. If you count it in leap years, he would have been only three years old. Timmy had so much fun with this odd birthday. I remember when he turned eight years old...he told all his friends he was only two. I still remember his silly grin and how he liked to confuse people. Oh he could be quite mischievous. I don't have any special plans for his birthday. I am putting an "In Remembrance" in our newspaper, and will bake him his favorite chocolate birthday cake. I will probably go to church too.

Well on with the good news. Andrew and Jason are doing great! Andrew is finishing up with his Masters Degree and has already lined up a great position with a major insurance company. The job is located in Connecticut. He will continue to live up there. Andrew is still with his wonderful girlfriend Kristen. I think, and I hope there will be a "happy ever after" for the two of them someday.

Jason (my fly boy) is busy wracking up hours flying and working on his instrument rating down at The Florida Institute of Technology. He teases me all the time about how warm the weather is down there. He calls me at least twice a day and always sends me text picture messages of beautiful Florida sunsets and the blue ocean. Yesterday he went to the beach and watched the space shuttle launch. He sent me pictures of that too. What a sight to see...it was amazing!(see pictures below) Jason will be home on March 1st for spring break for a week. It will be so nice to see him.

Well it looks like there will be a Timmy's Tour de Shore 2008. I wasn't sure we would do it again, but the support is there and so is the money. We must continue to raise money for research of pediatric brain tumors. We must continue to raise awareness too. This horrible disease continues to take the life of so many precious children. Children continue to be diagnosed at an increasing rate. It is early yet but the date is Sunday, October 12th, once again at Sandy Hook, NJ. Stay tuned to www.ttpf.org for more information.

Jay and I have a weekend get away coming up soon, and a trip to Florida. I learned the hard way not to give out dates anymore. Anyone who is dumb enough to try to break into my house this time will be deafened by an alarm, caught on camera, and mauled by vicious dogs! (only kidding about the dogs)

I can see that people are still checking in on me, and that means so much to me. Thank you especially to my wonderful friends Susan and Kristin for your messages. I try to keep up with many of my favorite Caringbridge children and their families. I apologize for not leaving messages all the time.

Please keep all the children battling brain tumors in your thoughts and prayers. As always, my heart is with all the angel moms, many I am lucky to call friends. I am sending hugs to Lisa F, Lisa C. Sarah, Kristen G, Joan K and Romelle. It stinks that we all must suffer this horrible loss, but knowing you all helps so much.

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan

PS...A great fundraiser for NF research will be held by Genna's family.

COFFEEHOUSE FOR A CURE
MARCH 1, 2008 7PM
St. Mary's-Stony Hill,Watchung, NJ

All proceeds go to The Children’s Tumor
Foundation.

Raffles, Music & Cookies Galore!

I was there last year and the cookies alone are worth the trip!





Shuttle launch viewed from Melbourne Beach


Sunday, December 23, 2007 10:52 PM CST

Hello Everyone,

Ready or not...whether I like it or not...Christmas is here. This is the second Christmas without my sweetheart Timmy here. I very much miss looking at Christmas through the eyes of a child, my youngest child. It still hurts so much. This is without a doubt the toughest time of year for an angel mom. Last year our family escaped and went on a cruise for Christmas. This year I wanted to go away again, but just never got around to planning it. For as long as I can remember, we celebrated Christmas at my house. There was always so much food, laughter, family, music and so many gifts to open. I am not ready to have Christmas back at my home again. I don't know if I ever will be. My new sister-in-law and my brother are having Christmas at their home this year. That's where we will be going. It's so hard being with other families, when one is so obviously missing from mine.

Andrew and Jason are both home from college. How wonderful it is to hear their voices in the house again. How wonderful it is do their laundry! I miss being mom. I am enjoying every minute with them.

Well, let me catch you all up on a few things that have happened during the last few weeks.

On Sunday, December 9th we attended the Children's Memorial Candle Lighting Ceremony at The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. The weather was rainy that night so they held it indoors. We had to use battery-operated candles which kind of took away from the magic of lighted candles. There was music by Woody Wolfe, the reading of our angel's names, and a slide show with their pictures. We also get a book with their picture in it and our written dedication to them. Afterwards we are treated to refreshments and they always send us home with the nicest goody bags. I think they do an amazing job. I very much appreciate all the time and effort they put into this memorial service for our children.

Well the big day was Friday, December 21st. That is the day that Jay, Andrew, Jason and I went back to The Children's Hospital in Philadelphia and presented Dr. Peter Phillips with the money raised from Timmy's Tour de Shore. In the end we were able to give them $70,000 for continued research of pediatric brain tumors. I was happy that we were all able to go together and do this as a family. It was a wonderful way to remember and honor Timmy. Dr. Phillips was very pleased with the amount of money we raised from a first time event. I showed him lots of pictures and he promised to be there next year. Yikes...did I say there would be a next year? Jay and I haven't even started talking about that yet. I also gave Dr. Phillips a framed picture of Timmy with the blinking red nose that was taken at CHOP two Christmas's ago. I remember how Dr. Phillips, Timmy and all the nurses got such a laugh out of that nose. Those are the memories that I treasure and try to hold onto.

I am still volunteering at the Ronald McDonald House. I spent many hours there this past week wrapping Christmas presents. At this time of year the generosity that I see from others overwhelms me. Christmas truly brings out the good in people. Every day someone brings food, cookies or other special treats for the families. The house is so beautifully decorated inside and out. I look forward to being there for a long time to come.

As always, and especially now I ask everyone to please keep all the children battling cancer and brain tumors in their thoughts and prayers. Unfortunately, all of us Caring Bridge moms know of too many children who are battling on or families that are getting that diagnosis that will change their lives forever. We desperately need a cure. I hope and pray that somehow, someway, one is found soon.

My heart is with all the angel moms who are grieving the loss of their precious child during this holiday season. I know many of you have read this poem before, but it touches my heart and I hope it brings comfort to yours.

Also please check the Timothy Pauxtis Foundation website. It will be updated soon with new information and pictures.

http://www.timothypauxtisfoundation.org

Merry Christmas Everyone.

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan

CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN

I see the countless CHRISTMAS TREES around the world below
with tiny lights like HEAVEN’S STARS reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so SPECTACULAR please wipe away that tear
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.
I hear the many CHRISTMAS SONGS that people hold so dear
but the SOUND OF MUSIC can't compare with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.
I have no words to tell you of the JOY their voices bring
for it is beyond description to HEAR THE ANGELS SING.
I know HOW MUCH YOU MISS ME, I see the pain inside your heart
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.
I can't tell you of the SPLENDOR or the PEACE here in this place
Can you just imagine CHRISTMAS WITH OUR SAVIOR face to face
I'll ask him to LIFT YOUR SPIRIT as I tell him of your love
so then PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER as you lift your eyes above.
Please let your HEARTS BE JOYFUL and let your SPIRIT SING
for I am spending CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN and I’m walking WITH THE KING
By Wanda Bencke







Friday, December 7, 2007 7:33 PM CST

Hello Everyone,

Yes, it's been a while since I've updated. I promise a good update just before Christmas.

I wanted to remind everyone that Sunday, December 9th is National Children's Memorial Day. Around the globe at 7PM candles will be lit for all our angel children.

Jay, myself, Timmy's Godmother (Aunt Liz) and her daughter Cindy will be going back to the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia to join their candle lighting ceremony. We went last year, and it was so powerful seeing over 1,000 people with candles burning for our beautiful angel children. I hope the weather cooperates because it is an outdoor ceremony. It has gotten unbelievably cold here in New Jersey, and there is rain/snow expected on Sunday.

So please, light a candle for Timmy, Jacob, James, Scott, Kyle, Justis, Matthew, Brent, Dani-Ella, Kortney, Brianna H, Leah, Bryce, Wylie, Trey, Luke, Abbey, Ryan, Dakota, Sandra, Kathleen and Nina. There are just too many.

Thank you so much. I will update soon.

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan






Thursday, October 25, 2007 7:42 PM CDT

Hi Everyone,

I know it's been a while since I've updated. A fundraiser does not really end when it's over. We have been busy dealing with accounting for money spent and money raised. Also, there is the daunting task of sending out hundreds of thank you cards. If it were not for the support of so many generous people, we would never have been able to fundraise close to $68,000 for pediatric brain tumor research. Yes, the money is still coming in! We are thrilled, and so is everyone associated with The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia.

The feedback on Timmy’s Tour de Shore was positive. We learned a lot from this event, and if we are ever crazy enough to do it again…we would definitely do a few things differently. Overall it was day filled with hope, happiness, love, generosity and wonderful friends.

The first week after the Tour de Shore I was running on pure adrenaline. I don’t know how I got up everyday…I was exhausted but flying high. It took a while for me to settle down and then came the crash. It hit me like a ton of bricks, a physical and mental exhaustion. You all certainly don't need the details, but I miss Timmy with all my mind and heart. I feel like I have been going backwards…through those dark days of grieving again. I have been giving grief its dues lately and working through it. I found an old book called "Grief Therapy" by Karen Katafiasz. It reminded me that I needed to continue to experience grief in order to move beyond it. Even though something as wonderful as Timmy’s Tour de Shore was a distraction, in the end, it was a reminder of my loss. I do have hope that it won’t always feel this way. I pray that someday that I can and will work through this pain, and find some healing.

I know that the following is long. It is my grief therapy to write it. It helps me and speaks to me. I hope it will help others too.

Some helpful words from the book "Grief Therapy":

----Respect the power of grief. Know that it can affect you psychologically, physically, and spiritually in intense and sometimes surprising ways. Stay gentle with yourself. ----Be open to the pain of your broken heart. God...and caring people...will enter through it's brokenness.

----Remain open to the hurt. You may think it’s easier to suppress the pain or avoid it with distractions and busyness. But eventually your emotions will surface; grief will demand your attention.

----Cry. Your tears testify to your love. And tears that spring from love help bring healing and renewal. Let your tears express the harsh reality of your loss. Let them begin to wash away the sadness and pain.

----Give yourself time to grieve. It may take several years just to accept the finality of a loss, that someone is gone forever, and even more to work through your emotions.

----Forgive yourself: for being angry or disappointed with others, including the one who died and left you; for being powerless to have prevented the loss.

---- Your loss is not God’s punishment or God’s attempt to test you. Know that God shares the hurt in your heart and wants to lead you to new hope and peace; know that God grieves with you.

----When some persons’ attempt to comfort you only deepens the hurt, forgive them for not understanding. Later, when you comfort someone else, remember what not to say.

----Be with those who also are grieving. As you tell your stories, you will share an understanding of the heart that is deeper than words.

----Learn from those who have experienced healing after loss. Their survival is reassuring proof that you, too, will endure. Their understanding and empathy are their greatest gifts to you.

----Pray for and with the one who has died. The love between you is a spiritual bond that death cannot sever. What is most precious to us is not always what we can see or touch or be near.

----Mourn not just for the loss of what was, but also for what will never be. And then gently, lovingly let go.

----Make small beginnings towards reshaping your life without the one you loved. Your efforts are seeds of hope that you can cultivate into fruitful tomorrows.

----Anniversaries, holidays, birthdays, and more...the times that used to mean only joy and celebration. These can now be among the toughest of days. Observe them with care and simple ceremony to ease the pain.

----In some ways, you never get over a significant loss. It inevitably changes you. You can choose whether that change is for the better.

----When you find yourself doubting your capacity to recover; be patient and realize that the grief process, though lengthy, ultimately does bring healing.

----Let yourself feel good again. Laugh with friends, have fun. Living your life to the fullest is not betrayal of memory. Your loved one would want only the best for you.

----There may be a small place within you that remains hollow. Value it. This quiet, abiding feeling may be one of God’s ways of sustaining the connection to your precious loved one.

----Tackle the emptiness. When you feel that your loss has drained your life of all direction or meaning or joy, present your nothingness to God. God has never been closer.

----Life matters, no matter how long or short. And it lasts. Trust that God’s promise of unending life is real. And trust that your life today matters, too.

----It may seem as if you’ll never feel truly happy again. But be assured that you will and your joy will have a richness and a depth that come from your having known profound pain and profound healing.

----There will come a time to remind yourself of your reasons for living. You have a future worth enduring for, and you deserve to find a renewed sense of purpose and pleasure in your life.

----Your grieving is among the most sacred and the most human things you will ever do. It will plummet you into the mystery of life...and death...and the resurrection.
Honor it.

Andrew and Jason are doing very well in school. Jason will start "night flying" soon. He is just a little bit homesick. His schedule is very busy. Can you even imagine going to two classes in the morning, driving to the airport, flying for a few hours, and then driving back to school for more classes! He misses how much easier it was at home.

My brother Tom gets married this weekend. We look forward to a Saturday and Sunday filled with wedding festivities. Welcome to the family Joanne! We love you.

Please keep all the children battling cancer and brain tumors in your thoughts and prayers, especially Gabbie who is starting chemotherapy again. Remember all the angels and their families who must find the strength to go on each day without their precious child.

I won’t be updating Caringbridge very much anymore. I need to spend some time working on The Timothy Pauxtis Foundation website. I promise to come back during the holidays to let everyone know how our family is doing. I also promise to faithfully follow all the children on Caringbridge who continue to battle on.

Thank you everyone for your continued love, support and prayers. I am grateful for all of you.

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan


Monday, October 8, 2007 11:27 PM CDT

Hello Everyone,

On Sunday, October 7th, the day of Timmy’s Tour de Shore, I awoke at 4am to begin one of the most amazing days in my life.

Jay and I left the house in the dark with a loaded rental truck, and headed to Fort Hancock in Sandy Hook to begin set-up for the day ahead. As we drove there, we were completely taken by the most beautiful sight in the sky. Above us….so bright and perfectly clear was the moon. The planet Venus was also visible, and two perfectly shaped stars twinkled below both of these planets. It was breath-taking; it was truly a sign that this was going to be the start of the most magnificent day.

Many volunteers met us in the dark to help us set up. It was an enormous amount of work executed so quickly by our friends who cared so much about our family, our Timmy and our cause. People started coming early to register…before 7:30am. As the morning went on, the sun came out and shined so brightly. The temperatures rose into the 80’s (very unusual for October) and the skies were a beautiful blue! It was a dream day…a day so perfect for a bike ride and a Timmy Town celebration.

The registration process went smoothly. People were happy with their Timmy Tour de Shore t-shirts, goody bags and wristbands. Honestly, thanks to my brother Tom and the company he works for Staples, everyone walked away with wonderful gifts. We had over 300 plastic folders stuffed with markers, pens, pads, paper clips and coupons. We also had over 100 goody bags for the kids. These bags had magnetic white boards with a marker, pens, snacks and a toy. We also gave out door prize tickets. We had restaurant gift certificates, toys, manicures and gift baskets to give away.

We had 375 registered riders before the ride. Another 125 registered that day. At least another hundred or more people just came by to enjoy the day. Timmy Town was alive with music, a balloon artist clown, a bounce house, face-painting, crafts and food…food…food! We were so honored that the New Jersey State Police sent their SWAT team for the day. They set up a display for all the kids to see. The children were able to go into the vehicles and check out all their equipment. At one point during the day, a New Jersey State Police helicopter flew over the field flashing their lights at us. They came down so low for all to see!

The 23 mile Challenge Ride took off at 8:30AM. As I cut an American flag start line, I looked up into the sky and said “this one is for you Timmy”. The ride began with a New Jersey State Police motorcycle and trooper car escort, with sirens blasting. What a sight seeing all those bikers take off!

The Family Fun ride began at 10AM. Once again the street was lined with many families and their children. There were teachers from Timmy’s school, Girl Scout groups, Boy Scout groups and families I didn’t even know. Many of our Caringbridge friends were there too. Sweet Genna (who absolutely gives the best hugs!) and her mom Kristin came with her whole family and friends. Also, I was so honored that other angel moms came with their families to support us. Romelle (angel Scott’s mom), Kristen (angel Kortney’s mom), Marta (angel Sandra’s mom). Thank you all so much for coming.

Two very special people that also came were Grace and Kelly. Grace and Kelly are both brain tumor survivors. We met them and their families while Timmy was undergoing his radiation treatments. We have all become so close. They have given us so much love and support during our journey with Timmy. I know we will be friends forever.

Jay and I both spoke to the crowd thanking them all for their support. The day was a success because of the generosity of many business owners. We had a great deal of food donated. The day was also a success because many wonderful people did a great deal of fundraising. Just look at the Tour de Shore Active website to see the incredible amount of money that was raised. We set a goal for $50,000. We have reached our goal and far surpassed it. We were very grateful to get good newspaper coverage. As the result of it, we received quite a few large donations. A foundation that read our story made a donation in honor and memory of Timmy for $10,000! They wrote us a beautiful letter that commended us for our love for Timmy, our strength, and our commitment to helping children with cancer. So everyone…not only did we meet our goal, but when all the money is in, I believe we will be sending The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia a check for at least $65,000.

Jay and I are happy, shocked, numb and completely exhausted. We never in our wildest dreams ever expected to raise so much money. We could never have done this without the help of at least 30 of our friends who took the time out of their busy lives to make this bike ride a reality. Thank you all so very much. Thank you also to the students at Middletown High School South who came out in full force to help in so many ways. You did an amazing job!

The slideshow below captures many moments from Timmy’s Tour de Shore. In a short while there will be a website with many more pictures. We had a photographer take pictures. They will be posted on www.shutterfly.com/pro/nelsenphoto/timmy very soon.

It was wonderful to have Jason home for a few days. I will be taking him to the airport tomorrow to return to college in Florida.

My son Andrew celebrated his 23rd birthday on October 7th…the day of the Tour de Shore. Happy birthday Andrew!

I will be laying low for a while. It’s time to take care of me. It’s time to figure out what is next for me. I hope it becomes clear to me some day soon.

With Love & Always Missing Timmy,
Susan


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Thursday, September 27, 2007 9:05 AM CDT




October 2, 2007 Update

Click here to read article about Timmy's Tour de Shore.



Good Morning Everyone,

Did anyone see the new show "Private Practice" last night? There was a part in the show where a young mom "lost it" in a department store. She was crawling around on the floor, mumbling to herself. Her psychiatrist came to rescue her and it turns out that the woman had lost her 10 year old son to a brain stem glioma. She was watching a video in the store about a happy family, with a little boy, having so much fun at a lake cabin. The video had the power to bring back memories from many years ago. The psychiatrist told her that "she did everything she could" and that her son had "the most aggressive kind of brain cancer". I couldn't believe I was hearing these words again. The tears started pouring from my eyes, and my heart was racing. The woman's son was taken off a respirator but continued to breathe on his own for four hours. She held him until he passed away.

That scene was so hard to watch...it was hard to hear those words, but I couldn't pull myself away from it. When I thought about it afterwards, I realized that you don't see much about pediatric brain tumors on television. Maybe in some way...all the people watching that show last night will see what devastation the loss of a child can bring to a family. Maybe people will learn that there is a world where children do get cancer and brain tumors. Maybe more people, family and friends will understand the intensity of our grief.

I apologize for writing something so sad ....I really needed to get it out. I can’t stop thinking about that show.

Onto the good new...Timmy’s Tour de Shore is 10 days away and the participation has totally exceeded our expectations. As of today we have 325 registered bike riders! With all our volunteers and walk-in’s, I know we will go over 400 people! Timmy’s State Trooper friends are all going to try to be there. They never know if an emergency will come up, but we are expecting the SWAT Team, Motorcycle Unit and hopefully a fly over by a State Police helicopter. We have a great day planned with a DJ, a balloon artist clown, a craft tent. I think the thing I worry about the most with all these people, is that I have enough food. I am working very hard to make sure we will. Also, we had hot dogs donated....so now we will have some lunch. Please everyone pray for good weather for October 7th (which is also my Andrew’s 23rd birthday). I know the weather can make or break an event. I look forward to seeing many of my Caringbridge mom friends there. My friends Kristin, her daughter Genna and family are coming with Marta (angel Sandra’s mom). My friend Romelle (angel Scott’s mom)and Kristen (angel Kortney’s mom) will also be there. I have a volunteer photographer who will take pictures during the event. Hopefully afterwards, I will be able to put together a slideshow on Timmy’s Caringbridge site.

Jason will be flying home from Florida for the Tour de Shore. It will be so good to see him.

I don’t think you will hear from me again until after the Tour de Shore. Thank you everyone for all your support, kind words and donations. Thank you for your messages in the guestbook. It means so much to me to see that people are still checking in and remembering our Timmy.



With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan
www.tourdeshore.org


Thursday, September 13, 2007 8:35 AM CDT

Good Morning Everyone,

I have been very busy with planning of Timmy’s Tour de Shore, not much time to update these days. Everything is going so well. We have 205 registered bike riders, and I know of many more to come. I cannot believe that so many friends, teachers, children, and police officers will all come together in one place to remember Timmy. They are all coming together because they know that more needs to be done so no child, no family, will ever have to feel the heartache a brain tumor diagnosis brings. Most of all, I am deeply touched that many angel families will be there. Also, families and children who are brain tumor survivors. These families have worked so hard to raise money with us. I can not even begin to say how grateful I am to them. Please, please pray for good weather on October 7th.

Just like Jason said in his message in the guestbook...I too miss Timmy so much. How could it possibly be 17 months that he is gone? I know planning this event is a good thing to do. It keeps me very busy, but it also keeps this loss fresh in my mind and heart. It's hard not to think that, I wish there wasn’t a reason I needed to do this in the first place. I do remember all the good about Timmy, all the love, the smiles and happiness he brought me. After 17 months you would think that I would be use to not hugging him, kissing him, but I still ache for those things from him. I know one thing for sure is that I am loving Timmy as much as ever, and I feel his love for me. That is what gets me through each and every day. I think God allows the hearts of us angel moms to stay connected to our children in Heaven. He lets us keep a piece of them with us. I hold on to the hope that someday, when it is my time, I will get to hug and kiss my Timmy again.

I have been volunteering at the Ronald McDonald House once a week lately. I am so proud to be a part of this place that takes such good care of families, and allows them to be close to their children. All the people who work there love their jobs and are so dedicated. I am always in awe of all the people that come by the house to cook, volunteer or donate. It can be anything from money, pop tabs, food, beautiful hand-made baby caps, blankets and so much more. There are so many good people in the world...our family knows it...the Ronald McDonald House knows it.

I haven’t asked for prayers in such a long time for the children. So many of them continue to battle on and need our prayers. Remember Gabbie, Genna, Jordan, Matthew, Luke, Danny, Andrew, Grace, Charlotte and Nina...and so many more.

As always, my heart is with the angel families. Remember Jacob Field, Scott Lysenko, Kortney Gillette, Matthew Cirincione, Luke Nesbihal, James Chacko, Justis Wayne Janez, Kyle Kerpan, Bethany Clift, Dani-Ella Rose Jack, Ryan Burow and Trey Thomas.

“Those we have held in our arms for a little while, we hold in our hearts forever”


With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan


Thursday, August 30, 2007 4:38 PM CDT

Hi Everyone,

It has been an amazing week! I am flying high. I have been touched by the kindness, generosity and compassion of our community.

On Saturday, we had our Tour de Shore registration day. We had tables set up outside two stores. We had a Tour de Shore banner, and a Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia banner hanging near us. I was amazed at the number of people that stopped to talk to us. Many people either had a child, or knew a child who was a patient at CHOP. We met so many wonderful people! We had about 40 people sign up for the Tour de Shore and raised about $700 in donations.

On Monday, I attended the Middletown PBA 124 Golf Fundraiser to benefit The Timothy Pauxtis Foundation. It was a beautiful warm day. A great day for golfing. My friend Maryalice came with me, for which I am so grateful to her for. The golf event was well attended by about 125 all male golfers. I think there were 4 women at the event (yes big yikes!) We were given a golf cart to drive around the grounds of the beautiful Pebble Creek Golf Course. I’ve never driven one before and just had so much fun. There were four holes where if you got a "hole in one" you could have won a Harley, ATV, SUV or a car. No one did win them, they went right back to the dealers. After a wonderful lunch, Middletown police officer James Keenan, who organized this event, got up to speak about Timmy’s Foundation. When it was my time to go up in front of this big group to talk, my knees were shaking! I looked up once and saw all these men looking at me (double yikes!) and I never looked up again. I told everyone about Timmy, about his battle with brain cancer. I told them how Timmy wanted to become a police officer some day and how I knew he would have made a difference in this world. I spoke about why we started the Foundation...to raise money for much needed research...and to award a yearly nursing scholarship. By the time I was finished talking, so many of the men were wiping tears from their eyes. I think they got it! So many more people know now that the world of childhood cancer exists!

I am not sure how much money was raised yet, but it should be a couple thousand dollars. I was also given a large anonymous donation and $300 from a police officer who won the 50/50. All this money will be donated along with the proceeds from Timmy’s Tour de Shore to The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia.

And to wrap up this good week, I just received a phone call from the Mayor’s Office. They want to present Jay and me with a Proclamation which will officially recognize The Timothy Pauxtis Foundation, and all the work we are doing. This is perfect timing because September is Childhood Cancer Awareness month. We can continue to get the word out there. The presentation will be on Monday, September 17 at 8PM at Town Hall.

So besides all that, Jason is doing well at school. He is having problems getting use to the heat of Florida. He has been flying, and was told he will have to do some cross-country flights to Key West, the Bahamas and Alabama. I truly am holding my breath about all of this and letting Jason spread his wings and follow his dreams.

It has been a good week. Sometimes I feel guilty for being happy. My heart still cries out so loud for my Timmy. Sometimes I try to think so hard and go back in time. Go back to the days when Timmy would tell me "I love you so much momma" and tell me I was so beautiful. He had me wrapped around his little finger. Almost 17 months after Timmy’s passing, the joy of knowing and loving Timmy is still alive within me.

I will try to get some pictures on this website soon. Without Jason to help me...I am lost.

I am back to the Ronald McDonald House tomorrow night.

I hope everyone has a safe and wonderful Labor Day weekend.

Remember to register for the Tour de Shore. Many CHOP families will be there. One family I am especially looking forward to meeting is Lynnanne and Michael. Their son Joseph is a brain tumor survivor. Their team “Hope Rides Here” has so far raised over $3,500!!!

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan


Thursday, August 23, 2007 1:06 PM CDT


Hello Everyone,

It really is good to be home. I cannot believe how cold and rainy it has been the last few days here in New Jersey. It was 35 degrees hotter in Florida, and constant beautiful sunshine. Getting off the plane Tuesday night (after many weather delays), I was freezing in my tank top and shorts. It was 60 degrees here! I am looking forward to nicer 90 degree weather this weekend.

I am feeling quite overwhelmed and really stupid. I write so much in my Caringbridge journal about my life. I now know that I write too much...to many details. Yesterday morning I noticed that the screen on our back door had been cut. Upon further examination, I noticed that someone tried to break through our back door sometime while we were gone. Someone took a screwdriver or pry bar and tried to forcibly open our door...doing quite a bit of damage. Thank God they were not able to get in! I would have been devastated if our home were trashed or robbed. I know so many people knew we were gone. It hurts me to think that it could have been someone we knew. We called the police and they believe it was kids. They said if it were a professional, they would have smashed the glass and gotten in.

Jay and I just finished meeting with a home security salesman and we are having our home burglar-proofed. Once again I am grateful that nothing bad happened. All of this just bothers me so much. I am a trusting person. I have a hard time understanding the mind of someone who could do something like this.

On to happier news...Jason is now settled in at the Florida Institute of Technology and he seems to be very happy. After a three hour registration process...we got to move him into his dorm room. It was a wickedly hot day! I think we all sweated off a few pounds just moving him in. The rooms are supposed to have central air conditioning, but the rooms are warm. We bought Jason a big fan which is helping a lot. Jason also has a great roommate. They are very much alike. His roommate is from Florida, so hopefully he can help Jason adjust to this different climate and way of living.

Jason likes his schedule. He flies three times a week out of Melbourne Airport. Oh this mom is going to worry. I know this is what he needs to do, but I worry about his safety. It truly is hard letting go. I know Jason has his very own private angel watching over him. It brings me a lot of comfort knowing that. Timmy was missed so very much on this trip by all of us. His absence in all we do is still strongly felt.

After Jay and I left Melbourne, we spent a few days in a beautiful Marriott hotel in Orlando. There are mostly all families in Orlando…of course everyone visiting Disney and all the other parks. It was the first time Jay and I felt like true "empty nesters". We chose not to visit any of the parks and lounged around the pool most of the days. They had this big lazy river ride which Jay and I went down many times. It was a very relaxing couple of days for us.

After a great summer working, Andrew has gone back in Connecticut. He is getting ready to start studies for his Master’s Degree at Quinnipiac University.

So now we are settled in back home, and the quiet is screaming at me! I miss all my boys very much. There is so much work still to do for Timmy’s Tour de Shore on October 7th. I am thrilled that we keep getting sponsors (check out www.tourdeshore.org) to see them. We are working hard on increasing participation in the event. Registration is picking up, but still slow. Please remember that on Saturday, August 25th we are having a "Registration Day" from 10AM to 2PM at the Blue Tulip and Whole Foods Market located in the Chapel Hill Shopping Center on Rte. 35 in Middletown. Blue Tulip will donate 15% of any purchases made that day to The Timothy Pauxtis Foundation. I just found out from Whole Foods that they are having a kid’s gym named "Chisel" come for a few hours. They will give spin classes for kids. What a great way to warm up for the Tour de Shore. Dairy Queen will also be giving out free ice cream sandwiches.

Big news I forgot to mention. The Middletown Police Benevolent Association is holding its annual "Golf Fundraising Event" on Monday, August 27th at the Pebble Creek Golf Club. The Timothy Pauxtis Foundation is going to be the recipient of some of the money raised. This money will go directly into the funds we are raising for research at The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. I will be going to the fundraiser to have lunch and accept the check. I am so nervous. I have to get up in front of everyone and speak a little about Timmy, and of course say thank you. We are so grateful to the Middletown Police for all the kindness they continue to show us.

Well this is indeed a lengthy update! I promise to update more after all the upcoming events.

I have missed all of you. Thank you for continuing to check in on all of us and your messages in the guestbook.

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan


Thursday, August 9, 2007 8:52 AM CDT


Hello Everyone,

It's been a while since I've updated. I have been very busy with the planning of Timmy's Tour de Shore and most of all getting Jason ready to move to college in Florida. It has finally hit me and my anxiety is really bad. Jason and Andrew will both be gone soon. I will be coming home to a big empty house...with three empty bedrooms. Yes, I still have Jay, but it's not the same as having your children around. I can't believe my boys are all grown up already. Have I said yet that I miss Timmy so much :-( It just nags at my heart that I should not be done yet. Not having Timmy around just makes this "empty nest" so much harder to accept.

Our traveling plans have changed. On Monday, Jay and Jason will start driving to Florida. We will be packing all of Jason's things into his car. Jason is allowed to have his car as a freshman at The Florida Institute of Technology. They will stop in Fayetteville, NC for the night and then head into Florida. On Tuesday, I will fly into Orlando where the boys will pick me up. We are staying in Melbourne for four days while Jason has orientation and settles in. Jay and I are going to spend a few days in Orlando and then fly back home the following Tuesday. I am looking forward to going to Florida. There will definitely be lots of quiet time for Jay and me. We need some time to relax now, because when we get home, Timmy's Tour de Shore will only be about 6 weeks away.

Speaking of the Tour de Shore...we are having a "Registration Day" on Saturday, August 25th from 10AM to 2PM. We will have tables set up at the Whole Foods Market and Blue Tulip stores in the Chapel Hill Shopping Center, on Route 35 north in Middletown. Whole Foods will be providing drinks and cookies for everyone. Blue Tulip will also be providing treats and will donate 15 percent of any purchases made that day right back to the Timothy Pauxtis Foundation. Dairy Queen is also generously giving out ice cream sandwiches to anyone that comes by. So to all my friends in Middletown...this is your opportunity to fill out an application for the Tour de Shore. I have found out that many people are worried about using their credit cards to register on line. Come to our "Registration Day", bring your checkbook, go shopping, have some ice cream and just say hello! We look forward to seeing everyone!

I have been at the Ronald McDonald House twice within the last two weeks. Thankfully it has been very quiet there. I had the opportunity to check out and say goodbye to a family who was taking their healthy, premature newborn daughter home. The Ronald McDonald House made up a beautiful basket filled with a handmade quilt, blankets, clothes, gift cards and so much more. I was so happy to be able to give it to this family and wish them all the best. There are so many happy stories, happy endings out there. I am so honored that through the Ronald McDonald House I get to be a part of them.

Please keep all the children battling cancer and brain tumors in your thoughts and prayers. Genna has an MRI coming up within the next two weeks. She has been doing so well and we expect her MRI to be absolutely stable or better! Also remember Gabbie who has a small surgery coming up soon.

As always, my heart is with the angel families. This poem was read at a memorial service at The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia.

"I Know Your Names"

I know your names
You were here for hours, days, months or years
Too young to die
Too young to leave your parents, who will never be the same
Your names are written on their lives forever
They will remember your birthdays, with "if only" and "would have been"
They will count the years and measure you by your friends
They will mourn your graduations, ball games and marriages
They will hold you in their dreams
They will cradle your teddies and sleep with your blankets
They yearn for the scent of you, long gone from your clothes
They will walk into your darkened rooms and hope that tonight you will be there
They fear they may forget your faces, your smiles, your voices
They hold onto the grief that binds their love to you
They will remember the insidious unknowns that stole your breath, stopped your beating hearts
They will relive your last days, last touches, and last breaths
And rewind them again and again until they are tight in their mind’s eyes
I weep for your mothers, your fathers, your grandparents, your siblings, your friends
And all those who will never know you
And when time silences the voice of solace
I will say your names and remember


With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan


Tuesday, July 24, 2007 8:42 AM CDT

Hi Everyone,

Life is crazy busy. Planning a fundraiser, getting Jason ready for college, a car accident (no one’s hurt and not my fault) and a six hour visit to an emergency room with Jay, who had a kidney stone (he is fine too) are just a few highlights of the last two weeks.

In three weeks we will be bringing Jason to college in Florida. I have been so busy shopping for all the things he needs to bring with him. He needs bedding, towels, a TV, a rug, computer, printer, lamps, storage, clothes…the list goes on and on. Jason has been assigned his roommate and his first semester schedule. He starts class at 10AM every day (a big change from high school) and gets to fly three times a week. I am very excited for Jason, but I will also miss him very much. Soon this house will be very quiet with both boys back to school. It’s hard not to think that I shouldn’t be done yet. Even though Timmy has been gone for 15 months…I don’t think my brain has fully accepted it yet. Honestly…I feel robbed of all the moments I should have had with Timmy. I continue to keep busy, but I have yet to find what it is I am suppose to do next.

I have been drawn to Timmy’s school lately. I go to visit his memorial and sit on his bench. It’s so peaceful there now. As I sit on Timmy’s bench, I imagine him running, playing and happy. Timmy loved the swings at his school. Even when he was sick, he managed to get on the swings and fly so high. Each time, before I leave the school, I always sit on Timmy’s swing and remember him.

I was in a car accident last week. I was making a left turn into a Sears’s parking lot. As I was turning in a young girl exiting drove forward and hit the driver’s side rear door of my car. She hit me hard enough that my car spun around. I was totally shocked. I didn’t see it coming. Thankfully, I didn’t get hurt and neither did she. Unfortunately, my car will be spending a week in an auto body repair shop soon.

I met a special group of ladies at the Ronald McDonald House last week. It was a group of retired United Airline flight attendants. The name of their organization is “Clipped Wings”. They came to the house to cook dinner for the families. What a delicious gourmet meal they cooked! I enjoyed talking with them so much. They have traveled the world and had exciting stories to share. They have adopted the Ronald McDonald House as one of their charities and plan to be back soon.

Great things are happening with the planning of Timmy’s Tour de Shore. Businesses have been very generous to us. We will have a fantastic breakfast the morning of the ride. Things are coming together. Our biggest job now is getting the word out there about the Tour de Shore. I am a little nervous…registration is slow. We are posting event flyers all over town. I am working on getting the NJ State Troopers and Middletown Police involved as riders. I know we still have ten weeks, and I am told by others that most people sign up closer to the event. I was excited to see that the Monsignor of our church has signed up to ride!

My friend Ori, who is Gabbie’s mom has opened up a store at Café Press to help raise money for Neurofibromatosis (NF). NF is a genetic disorder that causes tumors to grow along various types of nerve tissues. NF can cause tumors to grow anywhere on or in the body. Precious Gabbie has NF and so does sweet Genna. We mom’s cannot do enough to help fund scientific research that will hopefully someday find a cure. Please check out Ori’s websites:


http://www.cafepress.com/nf_cure2

http://www.cafepress.com/nf_cure


My friend Lisa Field, mother of angel Jacob, is soon approaching the first angel anniversary of her son on August 4th. Timmy and Jacob were the same age and looked so much alike. I hurt for Lisa, and feel connected to her, even though she is 3,000 miles away. Please drop by Jacob’s website and leave a message for his family during this difficult time. It is Visit: JacobField.

Please keep all the children battling brain tumors and cancer in your thoughts and prayers.

"Hope is a fire that never dies. Grief ignites the fire of hope
into a flame of strength that helps us go on!" --Clara Hinton


With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan


Wednesday, July 11, 2007 10:02 PM CDT

Dear Everyone,

Its fifteen months…fifteen months since I last saw my Timmy. I really don’t obsess about the 11th very much anymore. One month just seems to flow into the next, after the first year. I find that when I do remember Timmy, it is mostly good memories now. There are still days though that the pain can open up a floodgate of tears that I just can’t stop. I try so hard not to go to that place, because I always end up with a horrible headache and feeling very sick for days. I went to the cemetery to visit Timmy today. It is so stifling hot and humid here...it has been for days. I am so happy that I have Timmy buried under a tree. Timmy’s spot gets a lot of shade during the day. His flowers of petunias, ivy, marigolds and pansies continue to grow so beautifully.

The cemetery is a very strange place to meet people, but I have met such kind people there. A young man was just buried near Timmy. He died in a car crash. Jay and I met his older parents and sister. They are heartbroken, in shock, and having such a hard time. The father is a retired policeman and his son was a policeman for many years too. They were so happy to meet Timmy’s mom and dad. They hugged us and told us that meeting us brought them comfort. I am glad we were able to do that for another family.

Jay and I continue to keep very busy with the planning of Timmy’s Tour de Shore. We got the most amazing news a few days ago. The Children’s Hospital at Monmouth Medical Center (where Timmy was diagnosed) has signed on as our "Presenting Sponsor". They have made a big donation. From now on our event will be called The Children’s Hospital at Monmouth Medical Center presents "Timmy’s Tour de Shore". They will publicize our event within their hospital and elsewhere now. We are so hopeful that this will bring in much more in the way of donations and participation.

We also have had many other generous businesses and people help us in so many ways. We will have a great breakfast with lots of drinks. We have a DJ, bounce house, clown, face-painting, tattoos and crafts for the children. Of course the New Jersey State Troopers will be there to put on demonstrations for all the families. We will have goody bags from Staples, Timmy Tour de Shore tee-shirts, and wristbands too. Did I forget to mention the door prizes (free giveaways) because we got great donations from Toys R’ Us and some restaurants too. Please go to www.tourdeshore.org and sign up for Timmy’s Tour de Shore soon.

ALEX’S LEMONADE STAND_________________________________

To be held at Blue Tulip of Middletown
Chapel Hill Shopping Center-Rte 35 North (next to Whole Foods)
Wednesday, July 18th, 2007---- All Day!

Blue Tulip will be serving up delicious lemonade. They will also give 10 percent of any purchases at the store back to Alex’s Lemonade Stand.

Please stop by and buy a cup of lemonade and help fight childhood cancer one cup at a time.
_____________________________________________________________

I am off from the Ronald McDonald House this week. I go back next Monday.

Thank you all for continuing to check in on our family.

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan


Monday, July 2, 2007 2:35 PM CDT

Good Morning Everyone,

What a beautiful morning here in New Jersey. It is 60 degrees, clear, sunny and gorgeous Timmy blue skies! I am feeling my boy close to me this morning. I think the reason being is that I had a dream about Timmy last night. My dream was short but Timmy was in his karate uniform. He was with his friends Sam, Dan, Shannon and Tyler. They were all grown up (maybe 11 years old or older). They were running into a classroom to take their karate class. I just remember Timmy looking and me and giving me the biggest smile. His smile can still warm my heart, even in a dream.

Last night I was up late in my basement going through some boxes of birthday cards that were sent to Timmy for his 10th birthday. If you remember, there must have been over 500 cards. The cards were from Rockville, VA, Seattle, WA, Bakersfield, CA. Mount Easton, OH, Overland Park, KS, Chicago, IL, Morristown, TN, Moscow, PA, Ontario, Canada, London and Japan. There were cards from all over the country! It did my heart good to read all these cards and remember how many lives my Timmy touched. There was so much love and many prayers in these cards. I think it is only now that I can fully appreciate and treasure all the wonderful people that supported us during our brain tumor journey. All these cards will be a source of strength for me. I know I will keep these cards forever.

I had a fun time in Atlantic City with my girlfriends. We had two beautiful sunny days that we were able to enjoy walking on the boardwalk and spending time on the beach. The Borgata hotel is stunning! We had dinner at Bobby Flay’s restaurant. We all had the most delicious steak for dinner. Of course we spent lots of time at the slot machines. None of us did very well on them…but we didn’t lose much either.

I have been keeping busy at the Ronald McDonald House. The house is very quiet right now… which is a very good thing. I represented the Ronald McDonald House at an information fair at Monmouth Medical Center. The hospital has a superb pediatric children’s emergency room and children’s hospital. They had nurses and representatives from different parts of the hospital giving out information and goodies to families. This RMH is very close to the boardwalk and ocean in Long Branch, NJ. Tomorrow night I will be volunteering and many of the towns are having their 4th of July firework displays. I am hopeful that if I stand out on the porch of the house…I will get to see them all.


Planning of “Timmy’s Tour de Shore” is certainly keeping Jay and I busy. We are actively pursuing sponsors with the help of friends and getting some support. Soon, stories about our brain tumor journey with Timmy will be in many newspapers. No, you will not see me popping up on television. The thought of that scares the heck out of me. I know the event is still three months away, but I would like to encourage those who want to participate to register soon. If you can’t be here in New Jersey for the event, please consider making a donation. Just $10 from ten people would make such a difference.

Last week was a heartbreaking week in our Caringbridge brain tumor/cancer world. Two young children passed away from the beast. So many more are battling on desperately. It physically hurts me to think of any parent who will have to go through what our family has gone through. Yet, it continues to happen way too much. The most current statistics that I could get were from 2005, which stated that the National Cancer Institute spends over 4.8 billion dollars on all cancer research. It only allocates 170 million dollars on all children’s cancer. That’s only 3 1/2 percent of their budget. Why are our children not a priority? I truly think it needs to hit home personally for someone to understand how devastating cancer can be in a child. When a child is diagnosed with cancer…it sends shockwaves through families and communities. I know so many people and organizations are working tirelessly to change this. . I pray that someday soon more effective treatments will be found so no child will ever have to suffer again.

Please keep all the children fighting brain tumors and cancer in your thoughts and prayers. As always my heart is with all the angel families.

Have a wonderful, safe 4th of July with your families.

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan


Ronald McDonald House, Long Branch, NJ


Wednesday, June 20, 2007 8:36 PM CDT

Hello Everyone,

I would like to wish all the dads in our Caringbridge world, and everywhere, a belated Happy Father’s Day. Timmy was blessed with a strong, smart and loving dad. Jay was there for us 100 percent during our brain tumor journey. We always made decisions together. He was always positive…he never gave up hope. Timmy loved spending time with his dad, especially when it came time to fix something. Timmy loved to get his hands on any kind of tool. I know Jay has many treasured memories of his times with Timmy. I know that he misses him so much.

I have been volunteering at the Ronald McDonald House once a week lately. The house is very quiet right now, which is a good thing. They have many events coming up this summer which I hope to get involved with. I will be working at an information fair at one of the hospitals next week. I have met the most wonderful women at the RMH. Some of them are there because of some loss in their lives too. Some are there because they have good lives, big hearts and want to give back. I enjoy having these new friends in my life. They are a fresh start…new friends after my loss... I love all my friends dearly. They continue to be good to me. But all of them, especially their children, are a constant reminder to me of what I don’t have anymore. It’s just so hard sometimes.

Below are some pictures from Andrew’s graduation, Jason’s prom and Jason’s graduation. My boys did great, but as always these events are bittersweet. There should have been one more prom, one more graduation to go to. Thank goodness all these events are done now. I am very proud of Andrew and Jason and all they have accomplished.

Many of you know my good friend Ori and her daughter Gabbie (visit: gabriellehughes). Gabbie is recuperating well from a major surgery where many tumors were removed from her pelvic area. Gabbie has started to have some very bad headaches and is having an MRI on Monday. I know Ori is strong, but she is also terrified. Please, if you can say a prayer or leave a message of support at Gabbie’s website.

Well I have a short get-away tomorrow. I am going to stay overnight at the beautiful Borgata Hotel in Atlantic City with some friends. We will walk the boardwalk and go to the beach and bask in the sun. We have reservations at Bobby Flay’s restaurant and then who knows; maybe I will try my luck at some slot machines. I really need to try to unwind and relax a little.

Hope everyone is enjoying the beginning of their summer vacations. Please be safe, take good care of yourselves and your families. Don’t let a day go by without saying “I love you” to those you love. Thank you all for continuing to be here for me.

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan

PS: If you haven’t yet, please check out www.tourdeshore.org . Please consider making a donation or registering for our bike ride to support pediatric brain tumor research at The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia.




Wednesday, June 13, 2007 4:57 PM CDT

Dear Everyone,

This past Monday would have been Timmy’s fifth grade graduation. In Middletown the children move on to a different middle school after fifth grade. I have to be honest and say that this event probably was the hardest one to get through without my Timmy. I have gone through a birthday, holidays and anniversaries, but Timmy’s “should have” graduation was a missed moment in his life, that has set off a flood of tears and heartache in me.

Timmy’s school remembered him beautifully. The yearbook was dedicated to him. The fifth grade class lovingly included Timmy’s name, as a graduate, in the brochure for the ceremony. Timmy’s picture was hung up in a “star” along with all the other children’s pictures. The most wonderful gift of all was a class donation of $250 to The Timothy Pauxtis Foundation.

I did not attend the ceremony but went afterwards to pick up the yearbook and visit Timmy’s playground memorial. Many of my friends met me there. Jason and Timmy’s godmother came along with me too. Some of the teachers and the schools principal stayed after school to see me. Once again this is so bittersweet. I love that Timmy is remembered and carried in the hearts of so many. I also hurt, and yes get angry that my son was robbed all the milestones in his life.

We all took a walk to Timmy’s playground memorial. It looks beautiful. His maple tree continues to grow. This past weekend we planted marigolds and impatiens in his garden. It is a most peaceful place to be. We all talked about Timmy for a while. We talked about how we have an angel always watching over all of us, especially the children.

After my visit to the school, I went over to the cemetery. I wanted to read the yearbook to Timmy. When I got there I found a dozen red and blue star balloons that were from all his friends at Middletown Village School. Yes, I read the yearbook to Timmy telling him all about his friends, and how much they have grown. I told him that they are all wonderful children who will never forget him…ever.

So I need to pull myself out of this rut that I am in right now. There is so much to do between planning “Timmy’s Tour de Shore” and getting Jason ready for college. We are driving to Melbourne, Florida. We will be leaving on August 13th for arrival in Melbourne the night of August 14th. Jason starts orientation on August 15th. We are going to stay a couple of days (just in case Jason needs us) and then head up to Hilton Head, South Carolina for a few days.

How could I forget to mention…Jason graduates from high school tomorrow. Today was his last day of school and he his thrilled. I have pictures from Andrew’s graduation and after I get some from Jason’s graduation, I will post some.

Please keep all the children battling cancer and brain tumors in your thoughts and prayers. My heart is especially with all the angel families. It seems like I am always hearing of another child that has earned their angel wings. This just shouldn’t be happening. We must continue to fight for that cure.

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan


Thursday, June 7, 2007 8:02 AM CDT

Hello Everyone,

I am back...so hard to stay away, especially when I have something special and beautiful to share with everyone.

My son Jason wrote an essay for his English class. His topic was "his inner shadow". This essay is something that came from his broken, but loving heart. It taught me so much about how Jason is feeling about the loss of his brother.

Jason Pauxtis
Mrs. Hunter
English 12CP
20 September, 2006

My Inner Shadow

He was a boy who loved school, his friends, his family and everything that he did. He always had a smile on his face and bright blue eyes turned skyward. But he was sick, terminally ill, and he fought the most arduous battle known to man. He is my brother, Timmy, who entered the heavens around five months ago. Through a year and a half of radiation, chemotherapy, daily trips to the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, countless MRIs and blood transfusions, hope was never lost. Never did it disappear, from the day of diagnosis to the brisk, clear morning he took his last breath.

Five months later, so many of my memories are of his cancer days and painful recollections of his suffering. Few are positive and it takes so much to bring the good times to mind. I believe this is where my inner shadow lays. Although the only thing that can make the grieving process easier is time, it is important to honor and remember him and everything he has accomplished. In ten years, he has touched thousands of people from the United States, and hundreds more from around the globe with his story of hope and strength. His goals and dreams for the future led many people into all of our lives, many of whom are still here with us today.

One positive experience I can embrace from this is all the people who helped him out or made him smile. Timmy longed to be a police officer or go into the military. Throughout his journey, he was taken in by hundreds of police and military squadrons from around the globe. Nearly everyday he had police friends, SWAT members, Navy SEALs, and many other type of police and military officers visit. All of these men were so good to all of us, especially to Tim. Anything that brought a smile to his face or made his blue eyes glisten will forever be a welcome memory to me. He was brought along on special missions, had police motorcycle escorts, front row seats at every Yankee game he could ever want to go to, and so much more.

Timmy will always be remembered as the blue-eyed, wide smile, happy boy that will be honored forevermore. His funeral procession was one for the record books with the involvement of more than fifty police vehicles. His motorcade of dozens of police motorcycles, cars, SUVs, trucks, and a helicopter put Middletown on hiatus wherever it went, halting traffic to a stop while blazing through red lights on Route 35. He was given a full police burial and then some, with hundreds of friends, family, police and military personnel in attendance. Later in June, a memorial ceremony was held at his school, along with a dedication of a tree and garden in the Village School playground.

Timmy’s life may have been short, but he touched more people in ten years than most people do in their entire life. Although my inner shadow can only go away with time, remembering the moments that we smiled and laughed together can help ease the pain. I know that he is all around me and he influences me to live everyday like it is my only day. When I step outside at night and lookup at the stars just like I did early that morning when he passed, I know Timmy is looking right back down at me. I can embrace the fact that material items have little or no value to me anymore. When you lose everything, you start to realize what is really needed in life-- love, family, and friends-- nothing more.

___________________________________________________________

Jason's teacher gave him an A on his paper and wrote "What a beautiful testimony to the memory of your brother"

I really thought that I didn't need to write anymore. I thought it was time to stop writing...the journey has been over for more then a year now. I have realized that I still need to write. It really is good therapy for me. I love the messages from everyone saying that they will miss my updates. I will continue to write once in a while...just to let everyone know how our family is doing.

Monday, Timmy's fifth grade class will be graduating. I will not be attending, but I will go by afterwards to see all they have done to remember Timmy. It will truly a very emotionally hard day.

Thank you all for still being there for me.

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan


Thursday, May 24, 2007 6:28 PM CDT



JUNE 2, 2007 - NEW UPDATE AT THE TIMOTHY PAUXTIS FOUNDATION WEBSITE. SEE LINK BELOW.



Dear Everyone,

This will be my last Caringbridge update.

It seems like a life time ago, December 31, 2004, when I wrote my first Caringbridge journal entry. Never, ever could I have imagined back then, that someday, I would be living my life without my precious son Timmy. Never, ever could I have imagined that over the course of 2 ½ years, that hundreds of people would listen to me speak my heart, hold me close, and lift me up with prayers. Thank you everyone for allowing me to share a beautiful, blue-eyed little boy’s life and journey with brain cancer with you. Only God, and many other Caringbridge families know the nightmare our family has been through. I will forever be grateful to all the other people who had the strength to follow our story and showed us so much love and compassion.

This past year has been a time of great change for me and my family. We are all holding on and trying to adjust to our new normal. We all miss Timmy so much. I keep reading that grief is a process we will go through for a very long time. I realize that we have a choice. We can let grief control our lives, or we can turn our heartache, our loss into something positive that will help us survive this tragedy. It is easy for me to write these words. I just hope and pray that I have the strength and courage to live by them. I keep thinking of all the strength and courage it took Timmy to battle cancer. Certainly I can hold onto hope, and have faith that I have a purpose in this life that I haven’t realized yet. I will wait… and I will hold on… to see what each new day brings my way.

I think Andrew and Jason will be just fine. Andrew graduated “Cum Laude” from Quinnipiac University this past Sunday. He has a wonderful girlfriend, a great summer internship, and his whole life in front of him. Jason will be going to his senior prom tomorrow. After graduation on June 14th, we will spend a lot of time getting him ready to go to college in Florida. Jason has been through so much. I am so excited for him to start this new phase of his life. My boys are older now, but they still need their mom. I look forward to all the joy their lives will bring me. I know that in everything they do from now on, they will carry their little brother in their hearts forever.

As for Jay, he continues to work so hard on putting together “Timmy’s Tour de Shore” for pediatric brain tumor research. It is his mission to not only raise awareness, but much needed money for research of pediatric brain tumors.

Our “Tour de Shore” website is up and open for registration. Please consider making a donation or traveling to New Jersey to be part of this wonderful event honoring our Timmy.

I will miss all of you very much.

With Love & Thanks,
Susan


www.tourdeshore.org

www.timothypauxtisfoundation.org



This website will forever be dedicated to the littlest love of my life…Timmy.








Thursday, May 17, 2007 11:27 AM CDT

Hi Everyone,

Another Mother’s Day has passed and I think it was harder then the first one. It was a beautiful, warm and sunny day. The skies were Timmy blue! I cannot believe how crowded the cemetery is on Mother’s Day. While I was visiting Timmy, a few friends came by. We talked, cried and remembered this beautiful child and how he loved his mommy so much. I am so grateful for the ten love-filled years I had with Timmy, but how I want more…more…more…. I also went to visit Timmy’s friend Marianna. She called to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. I decided I needed a Marianna hug, and went to her house to visit her. Marianna is my closest connection to Timmy. All she has to do is look at me, hug me and she has the power to make everything okay. I also took myself shopping for a few hours. Shopping is good emotional therapy. Thank you to everyone who remembered me this Mother’s Day. Your cards and phone calls were so appreciated.

We continue to work very hard on organizing Timmy’s Tour de Shore. Of course the website is taking more time then expected. Hopefully by next week it will be up and ready to register participants and accept donations. Please keep checking back. We have a local radio station 101.5 on board for the day. I believe it will be Big Joe Henry. Big Joe was the guy who played Santa Claus for Timmy two Christmas’ ago. He is such a great guy and we are thrilled that he will be there. We also have sponsor letters out to some prominent local business men, and plan on hitting up the banks, pharmaceutical companies and more. Soon we will get the word out about the Tour de Shore in all the newspapers. We have a great group of friends and family helping us. Jay is working very hard on this event. It’s like he has two jobs now. I am very proud of him for all he is doing. It truly is a labor of love.

Early Saturday morning we will be driving to Connecticut to attend Andrew’s graduation from Quinnipiac University on Sunday. My mom and dad are coming with us too. It was always my mom’s dream to see one of her grandchildren graduate from college. I am so happy that her dream is coming true. I am very proud of Andrew! Four years ago I sent him off to college as a young, nervous, teenager. He has now grown into wonderful young man. Andrew will be interning this summer at Goldman, Sach’s & Co. He also will be taking two on-line courses towards his Master’s Degree. It will be a very busy summer for him.

Jason graduates from high school on June 14th. On August 13th, we will be driving him to college. Jason will be attending The Florida Institute of Technology in Melbourne for aviation management. My pilot son is ready to spread his wings and fly. Did I say yet how proud I am of him too!

I truly am dreading September. This house will be so empty. I keep putting so much pressure on myself to figure out what it is I am suppose to do now. I just don’t know. Hopefully it will come to me.

I have wonderful news about two children whom I care so much about. Genna’s MRI was rock-solid stable again. Nine months stable...no more chemo and her port is coming out this Tuesday. Gabbie’s surgery to remove tumors in her pelvic area was long, difficult but very successful. They got all of them! Gabbie is going home from the hospital today. Thank you everyone for your prayers for these beautiful children and their families. As always, please keep all the children fighting brain tumors and cancer in your thoughts and prayers.

We must find a cure!

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan





Saturday, May 12, 2007 4:31 PM CDT



Dear Everyone,

I would like to wish all my family and friends a very Happy Mother's Day. Most of you who will read this already treasure what a gift it is to be a mother. We have learned through the joys and heartaches of others to treasure our children each and every day. It is just amazing how such a tiny creation from God can bring such joy, love, fulfillment and unfortunately heartache into our lives. The bond between a mother and child is unbreakable in life and even in death.

I was sent this poem in the mail anonymously. For all the angel moms, grab a tissue before you read.


Today is Mother's Day
And I'm not there with you
I truly wish I was
And I know you know that's true
But I'll be there in the morning light
The sun up in the sky
I'll be there in the gentle breeze
So Mommy please don't cry
You gave me so much of your heart
No boy could ask for more
My childhood days were filled with joy
Of that much I am sure
Your strength has endured all things
Even in the darkest time
Remember I'm in your heart and soul
And that you are in mine
My Heavenly Father brought me home
And the old has become new
My pain and suffering exist no more
Please let that comfort you
I do not cry or feel fear
As you on earth still do
One day we'll meet, but not yet
For God is not ready for you
Until that day please live life
And learn to smile once more
You will always be my special mom
The one that I adore!


I'm trying Timmy...I'm trying.

I love you my angel Timmy ^^i^^

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan





Wednesday, May 9, 2007 9:35 AM CDT

Good Morning Everyone,

Life has been busy…life has been moving along. There are so many major family events coming up this month. There are graduations, birthdays, fundraisers…all good things. It’s so strange, I still just expect Timmy to be here, to be a part of all of these events. I guess no matter how much time has passed, the heart still wants what the heart want. I want my Timmy to still be a part of everything.

Lately, so many of my on-line friends (other brain tumor mom’s) have been having such a hard time. Sometimes overwhelming grief can hit when we least expect it. We angel moms will never completely heal. I don’t think we will ever adjust. No matter how much time has passed…something makes us remember. I just hope and pray for all of us that that something will be more smiles then tears someday. From everything I have read, we must keep acknowledging the grief and its intensity will decrease over time. This is a new world we are living in…we surely did not choose it, but we must live in it. I have said it before and I will say it again “Love is stronger then separation and stronger than the permanence of death”. Yes, the separation does hurt so much, but the love remains strong. Thirteen months after losing Timmy, I still feel his loving arms wrapped around me.

Last Friday night I attended a Wine Tasting Event Fundraiser for the Ronald McDonald House. It was held at a local shop called Architectural Accents. The event was a huge success with hundreds of people coming to drink wine and eat hor’deoveres. The servers that were suppose to walk around serving the hor’deoveres never showed up, so a few of us girls became waitresses for the night. I can’t even begin to tell you how much fun I had. I was walking around with trays of coconut chicken, salmon mousse, and mushroom dumplings. I meet so many wonderful people and was even offered a job! I went home with major blisters on my feet that night. The high heels I was wearing were not right for the job.

Monday night was my volunteer night at the RMH. I made a tray of ziti and meatballs for the families. Many of the families came out and we all sat down and had dinner together. There are some of the cutest, youngest couples staying at the house. I enjoy talking with them. They are very appreciative of everything you do for them. Their days are busy feeding and visiting their premature babies in the NICU at the hospital. One of the moms, who has been staying at the house for a long time, lost her premature baby last week. He had been doing so well. It was such a shock to many of us. This mom knew that I had lost a child too, and reached out to me. We both just cried so much together. Just a year after losing Timmy, I don’t feel very experienced at giving advice to anyone….but I can certainly give hugs and share tears.

Many of you may remember my friend Sarah who I visited in England. Today is her son James 1st angel anniversary in Heaven. My thoughts and heart are with you today Sarah. (www.caringbridge.org/europe/jamesc).

Today Gabbie is having what her mom calls mega surgery 2007. As I write Gabbie is having tumors removed from her pelvic area. It is a long difficult surgery and we need this surgery to be successful so Gabbie will no longer be in pain. (visit: gabriellehughes)

Please keep all the children fighting brain tumors and cancer in your thoughts and prayers. Please pray especially for Genna who will be having a follow-up MRI on Monday. We are looking for her scan to be stable or better so Genna can continue off chemo. (www.caringbridge.org/nj/gennahenna) As always, my heart and thoughts are with all the angels and their families.

Please continue to visit Timmy’s Foundation website. Registration for the 2007 Timmy’s Tour de Shore will soon open. If you cannot be here for the bike ride, donations are very much appreciated. Wait until you see the new fundraising website. It is awesome!

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan


Wednesday, May 2, 2007 12:15 AM CDT

MAY 5, 2007 PLEASE READ THE EXCITING NEW UPDATE The Timothy Pauxtis Foundation

Hello Everyone,

Well the biggest, happiest news I can share with everyone today is “WE GOT IT!” The Timmy Tour de Shore resolution passed with a vote of 5 for and 1 against last night. It was a night full of drama. Jay and I went into the meeting already feeling defeated. Things took a bad turn just a day before the meeting when we found out the votes would be split and the Mayor would have the final vote. Unfortunately, Sea Bright’s Mayor was against Timmy’s Tour de Shore. We had the most amazing support of one of the council members. She took a stand on the Tour de Shore when it was being voted on. She told everyone that our family addressed every concern with a good safe solution. She read our letter of support from the Police Chief. The resolution was discussed for about ten minutes before the final vote was reached. I think my heart actually stopped during that period of time. Everyone on the council then proceeded to vote in favor of the Tour de Shore, and grant us our resolution. There weren’t many people in the audience, but there was much applause after the vote.

Going through this process with Sea Bright has been very stressful for me and Jay. It should not have been this hard to do something that was meant to be good. We want to raise awareness about pediatric brain tumors. We want to raise money to support research. We also want to honor an incredible ten year old boy, who fought such a brave battle against a horrible brain tumor.

I had three speeches prepared for the end of the meeting. In the end, I told the borough council that we would make this event something they will be proud of. I thanked them for taking a leap of faith and believing in us. The press was also there to cover the story.

Now that we have our bike route planned, we can go forward with getting the word out there about the Tour de Shore. There is so much work to be done.

I am happy to say that Jason has been doing much better. He seems to be coming out of his slump and falling back into a normal routine. He was funny the other day. He was having his tires rotated at Firestone and he spoke to the manager about sponsoring the Tour de Shore. The manager gave Jason his card and said he would be interested in supporting us. Way to go Jason!

Andrew will be graduating from Quinnipiac University on May 20th. He has earned his Bachelors Degree in Communications. I cannot believe that I have a son who is graduating from college. We will be spending graduation weekend in Connecticut with him enjoying all the festivities.

Jay and I had a very special night this past Saturday night attending a Neurofibromatosis fundraiser “Coffeehouse for a Cure” put together by Genna’s family. I met Kristin (Genna’s mom) at CHOP and during Timmy’s funeral services. She has always been very supportive of me. I wanted so much to be there to support her in her efforts to raise money for the Children’s Tumor Foundation. It was a wonderful night of delicious cookies, coffee, songs, skits, hope and tears. It hurts so much that we lost Timmy, but I will never give up hope. I will never stop supporting any fundraiser or research that will help find a cure for our children.

Well I will end this update on a happy note. Today is my 26th wedding anniversary. Once again, where has the time gone? I don’t know how Jay has put up with me all these years…but he has. Maybe we will sneak out for some dinner tonight.

Please keep all the children battling brain tumors and cancer in your thoughts and prayers. Remember all the brave angels who fought this unfair battle. I know they are watching over us, guiding us and always loving us.

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan


Wednesday, April 25, 2007 10:11 AM CDT

Good Morning Everyone,

As I sit here at the computer, my window is open and the air feels so warm and smells so fresh. Yes…spring and summer have come to New Jersey. We have enjoyed beautiful 80 degree days lately. I have found myself escaping a few times to be close to the ocean. The ocean is a place where I can think, and just get away from this crazy world for a while.

It has been a hard week. Reminders and hurt from losing Timmy have surfaced and I am trying to work through them. My Jason has been suffering from anxiety. He has not been feeling well. It’s been hard watching this amazing young man, who has such a bright future, hurt and worry. I have been spending a lot of time with him trying to be a good, attentive mom. I think I have been so busy trying to take care of me, that I didn’t see how much Jason was hurting. We’ve seen the doctors and Jason is well physically, but now it’s time for him to talk to someone. I know Jason will be okay. It will take some time. I just need to do all I can to help him, because he will be off to college in Florida soon.

Last Thursday, I lost a friend. Lisa was a 37 year old mom, who herself had been battling cancer for many years. Cancer draws people together. Lisa came into my life when Timmy was first diagnosed with his brain tumor. As sick as she was, she always checked in on Timmy. She was an amazing woman. She went through many chemotherapies, radiation and surgeries. I can remember how sick the chemo made her, but she always found the energy to be a great, loving mom to her eight year old son. Lisa was waked at the same funeral home, and in the same room as Timmy. When I saw Lisa’s mom at the wake, we both just looked at each other, hugged and cried together for minutes. I truly hate how cancer robs so many good people. I just don’t understand it. Lisa is buried at the same cemetery near Timmy too. I will visit my friend often.

Everything is going very well with the Ronald McDonald House. I had a good night last week while I was there. Many of the families had company, and there was a lot of laughing and socializing going on. It was nice to see them relax just a little bit in between all the craziness of the hospital. One of the perks of being a volunteer at the Ronald McDonald House is being invited to events. On May 4, I will be attending a “Wine Night Event”. It is a fundraiser a local business is having for the RMH. I will be there to help promote the RMH and collect donations. They will be serving hors d’oeuvres and we will be tasting fine wines. It should be a fun night.

Everything continues to move along with the planning of Timmy’s Tour de Shore. We are back on the agenda again for the upcoming Borough Council meeting in Sea Bright, Tuesday, May 1st. We have worked hard to make this happen. It’s not over until it’s over, but with the help of many good people…I think maybe we will be going through Sea Bright.

The Timothy Pauxtis Foundation was adopted by the Middletown Police Benevolent Association as their official charity. Each year they have a golf outing and a portion of the money raised will be donated to Timmy’s Foundation. They have already donated $3,000 from last year’s tournament and have their next event planned this August. Having the Middletown Police associated with Timmy’s Foundation is a perfect honor and tribute to Timmy. We are so thankful.

Coffeehouse for a Cure, sponsored by G-Force and family is this Saturday, April 28th. The money raised will be going to The Children’s Brain Tumor Foundation (www.ctf.org). Please go to www.caringbridge.org/nj/gennahenna for more information.

Please keep all the children battling cancer and brain tumors in your thoughts and prayers. My friend Kristen, who lost her daughter Kortney (visit/kgillette), will be facing a tough day on Friday, April 27th. It is Kortney’s first angel anniversary in Heaven. My heart and thoughts are with you Kristen.

Thanks for reading and listening everyone. It really does help.

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan


Wednesday, April 18, 2007 12:54 AM CDT

Hello Everyone,

Darn, I just wrote a long update and lost it!!!

It has been a rough, emotional week for our family. Timmy’s one year angel anniversary has been hard on all of us. I think it takes the mind a long time to truly grasp the reality of such a loss. I am now starting the second year of this journey without my son. Timmy is in Heaven. I know Timmy is okay…it is all of us left here, who hurt, missing this little boy so much.

Most of you have seen the slideshow of our balloon release ceremony. It was a cold, sunny, very windy day. When we let the balloons go, many of them got stuck in the trees. I wrote the names of many of our angel children on each balloon. They were all in my thoughts and heart. The children must have wanted the balloons badly because every single one escaped, and flew straight up to Heaven. I was so happy that my friend Lisa, angel Matthews mom (visit: Matthewc1) was there to support me. Angel moms have such a deep connection.

This past weekend was a big weekend with fundraising for Timmy’s Foundation. On Friday night our gift basket at the Middletown Village Gift Auction raised $1,850. I was completely blown away by how many tickets we sold. The best news is that out of all those tickets, the winner of the basket was Timmy’s Godmother’s daughter Cindy. Some things you just can’t explain. I think Timmy might have had a hand in that one. :-)

We also had our “Hoops for Health” fundraiser this past Sunday. Many of you may know that we were hit by a nor’easter that day. The weather was horrible, but mostly all the families showed up. The day was perfect and the children had so much fun. Jay and I felt so good...so honored that all those people were there for us and to support Timmy’s Foundation. I know we raised a lot of money but I won’t know for a few days. I will update more, and with pictures on Timmy’s Foundation website soon.

Fundraising is a good therapy. Doing something good always out does something bad. I heard President Bush on the television yesterday quote a verse from the Bible. He said "Do not let evil overcome you…but overcome evil with good." That’s just the way I feel about brain tumors and childhood cancer. As hard as it is, we must all do some good so that that cancer doesn’t win over us.

My hearts go out to all the families who lost their precious children at Virginia Tech. What a senseless loss of so many beautiful children. My heart breaks for all the pain that I know these families are feeling right now. One of the girls lived here in Middletown. Please keep these families in your thoughts and prayers.

I would also like to ask for prayers for my Jason. He is having a very rough time right now since Timmy’s first angel anniversary.

I am working the Ronald McDonald House tonight. I hear the house is full. I am looking forward to meeting the new families and just being distracted by something different tonight.

As always, please keep all the brave children battling brain tumors and cancer in your thoughts and prayers. Remember Genna, Gabbie, Skylar, Valerie-Grace, Brianna, Hadley, Carly, Jordan, Danny, Luke, Matthew, Andrew and Grace. My heart is with the angels and their families. Remember James, Jacob, Scott, Kyle, Justis, Matthew, Brent, baby Vincie, baby Megan-Jean, Dani-Ella, Kortney, Leah, Bethany, Trey, Luke N, Abbey, Ryan and Dakota.


With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan

Click here to view the memorial in the Asbury Park Press


Wednesday, April 11, 2007 8:49 PM EDT

FRIDAY, APRIL 13th, 2007 10:30PM UPDATE ON THE TIMOTHY PAUXTIS FOUNDATION WEBSITE. SEE LINK BELOW.









Friends and Family Gather for Timmy's First Angel Anniversary


Saturday, April 7, 2007 9:05 PM CDT

Happy Easter Everyone,

It is going to be a cold Easter here in New Jersey. Not a hint of spring in the air. We actually had snow flurries two days ago. If I remember correctly, the weather was the same way this time last year. I really need some warmth and sunshine about now to lift my spirits.

I have some good news to share with everyone. We got our letter of determination approving the Timothy Pauxtis Foundation as a 501 (c) 3 not for profit charitable organization. This will be helpful when we actively start soliciting sponsors for Timmy’s Tour de Shore. I also mentioned in a past update that someone stepped forward to help us get Timmy’s Tour de Shore through Sea Bright. That someone was Sea Bright’s Borough Council’s President. He called us the other night to tell us that he almost has enough favorable votes to bring the issue back to the Borough Council and get it passed. I will not get my hopes up again...but hopefully, by Friday, we will know one way or the other. It really is time to move forward with or without Sea Bright.

Our Easter will be quiet. Jay, Jason and I will go to Mass, visit the cemetery and have dinner at home. Tuesday night, after his classes, Andrew will drive home from college and spend Wednesday with us. The rest of my family will join us on Wednesday too. It will be good to have them all here to help us get through Timmy’s first angel anniversary. I still cannot believe that Timmy has been gone for a year. I still cannot believe that I lost my youngest son to brain cancer. Through the pain of this loss, I hold on to hope...the hope that my Timmy lives eternally with Jesus and the angels in Heaven. I know that I do not write about it much, but my faith has only gotten stronger. I believe Timmy was a child of God. Timmy was a spiritual child and believed in Jesus and Heaven. I remember so many times looking at Timmy and thinking "this child knows and feels so much more then I do." Timmy passed away during one of the holiest, most sacred weeks in my Catholic religion. Through the heartache of losing my son, I hold on to how special that was. And yes Susan, what I will continue to hope for is a glimpse of what waits for me over the horizon. In my dreams every night… it is my Timmy.

I hope to take some pictures on Wednesday of all of us sending balloons to Timmy in Heaven. I will update and post them as soon as I can.

Please keep all the children fighting brain tumors and cancer in your thoughts and prayers. Good news for some of our children. Stable scans for Jordan and Luke! Genna’s vision has improved…she has been off chemo for a while and her tumors are stable. Prayers for Gabbie as the doctors plan surgery to remove a large pelvic tumor (visit: gabriellehughes).

I wish a loving, peaceful Easter to all the angel families, especially the three wonderful mom’s I have been so fortunate to become friends with. Romelle (angel Scott’s mom), Kristen (angel Kortney’s mom) and Lisa (angel Matthew’s mom).

If you all could...light a candle for my Timmy on Wednesday.


With Hope, Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan




Sunday, April 1, 2007 9:48 PM CDT

Dear Everyone,

My days lately have been hard. The memories just bring back so many tears and heartache. It’s hard not to think back to last year at this time. Last year at this time my Timmy was slipping away from me. The dam brain tumor was slowly taking my boy away from me. I cannot believe it has been a year. How have I survived a whole year without Timmy in my life. I do feel Timmy so close to me, but I miss his physical presence so much. I miss all the love he gave to me. I miss not being able to see my boy at 11 years old and healthy. Lately, I have seen so many of his friends who are now 11 years old and it just hurts so much. I could go on and on about all the things I miss about Timmy... but I will stop. I try so hard to be positive and hopeful, but this is just such a difficult time now.

I think it may come as a surprise to many, but after many months of thought...I got a butterfly tattoo on my ankle. This is my very first tattoo. It is a memorial tattoo in honor of my Timmy. It was something that I wanted to do for his first “Angel Anniversary”. The butterfly is blue and yellow. Blue of course for Timmy’s beautiful blue eyes and yellow the color for childhood cancer awareness. Unfortunately my butterfly is lots of colors right now. It is black, blue, yellow and red! When it heals in a couple of weeks, I will definitely post a picture of it. In case anyone is wondering...yes it did hurt for about the first ten minutes and then it was very tolerable.

Thank you to everyone for the emails and messages of love and support. All my Caringbridge friends mean so much to me. We are truly a family in every way. The support I get from other brain tumor moms and angel moms is one of the reasons I have made it through a whole year. Thank you for continuing to be there for me.

I am going back to the Ronald McDonald House tomorrow night. My friend MaryAlice is coming with me. We are cooking dinner for the families. We are making chicken quesadillas with rice and beans. It will be a good night.

We continue to be busy working on Timmy’s Tour de Shore. We have hit our share of obstacles, but continue to move forward. I came across a few quotes that are very encouraging. For all the moms and dads out there who fight for our kids...for all you do to help raise money for research and to help other families, these are for you:


"I am only one; but still I am one.
I cannot do everything, but still
I can do something; I will not refuse
to do the something I can do."

Helen Keller


"While the needs of the world are many, it only takes one to make a difference."
"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."

Theodore Roosevelt


"Our culture and our giving philosophy are defined by one. It’s the belief that while one drop in the sea may seem insignificant, its ripple effect is immeasurable and vast. It’s the belief that small efforts build upon each other and that every person, each gift, all contributions mean a great deal."

Author Unknown.


Timmy’s Angel Anniversary Mass will be at 12PM on April 11th at St. Mary’s Church in Middletown. Our family will be there. We will go to the cemetery afterwards and send some balloons off to our Timmy in Heaven.

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan






Monday, March 26, 2007 1:59 PM CDT

Dear Everyone,

I ran into a friend yesterday who greeted me with the biggest smile. We talked for a while and she mentioned to me that “I look different”. It’s strange, when I do look at myself in the mirror, I think that all the time, “I look different”. The pain, the grieving, this loss has taken its toll on me. It has become a part of my inner self and it shows on the outside too. It’s okay though, I accept it, and I wear my new look proudly. This look is my reminder to me and the rest of the world that I once had something so precious and loved. This look is my way of carrying Timmy with me all the time. Most days now, I do have hope…hope that it will get better…hope that I won’t always look and feel this way. I feel my angel so close to me. Timmy gives me hope because most days I hear him saying to me. “Yes, momma, you can go on, I am fine, I am with you”.

It has been a quiet week around here, besides all the crazy busy with the planning of Timmy’s Tour de Shore. The issue with Sea Bright is not over. A good person, a kind man stepped forward and is trying to help us work things out. Sea Bright is the best route for Timmy’s Tour de Shore. It is riding along two miles of beautiful ocean. If it does not work out, we do have an alternate route. I hope to have some more information this week. In the meantime, we are waiting on the approval of our tax-exempt status 501 (c) 3 and building another new website with activegiving.com. This website will help us solicit donations for Timmy’s Tour de Shore. There really is a lot to do, but our friends are filled with ideas and ready to go to work.

Once again, a reminder to anyone who may be able to attend Timmy’s Angel Anniversary Mass, it will be at St. Mary’s Church in Middletown on April 11th at 12PM. Our family will be there. We will go to the cemetery afterwards and send some balloons off to our blue-eyed angel in Heaven.

I was just thinking. Andrew and Jason are both graduating this year. Andrew will be staying at Quinnipiac University for another year to earn a Master’s Degree. Jason will be heading south to attend The Florida Institute of Technology. I know I knew this, but Timmy would have been graduating from 5th grade this year too, and going on to Middle School. I should have had three graduations this year.

Off to the Ronald McDonald House tonight.

Please keep Genna, Gabbie (visit/gabriellehughes), Skylar, Valerie-Grace, Brianna, Hadley, Carly, Jordan, Danny, Luke, Matthew and Nora in your thoughts and prayers. As always, my heart is with the families of our angels. Remember James, Jacob, Scott, Kyle, Justis, Matthew, Brent, baby Vincie, baby Megan Jean, Dani-Ella, Kortney, Leah, Bethany, Trey, Luke, Abbey, Ryan and Dakota.

Below is a link to an article that the Two River Times wrote after our meeting with Sea Bright. The writer gave a very accurate account of what happened to us that night.

Newspaper Article

(To enlarge the article, hover over the picture with your mouse until a button appears on the bottom right corner of the photo and click the button.)

Also, it came to my attention that “The Conquer Childhood Cancer Act 2007” has been introduced in the House of Representatives. It is an eye-opening, informative article to read. Please if you have a chance, find out how you can help.

The Conquer Childhood Cancer Act 2007


With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan



Monday, March 19, 2007 3:48 PM CDT

WEDNESDAY, March 21, 2007

NEW UPDATE ON TIMMY'S FOUNDATION WEBSITE (see link below).
"Sea Bright's Answer Was No!"



Dear Everyone,

The weather continues to be crazy here in New Jersey. One day it is 80 degrees, and two days later it is freezing and we have a couple inches of snow. I hope this is the last of it. I see signs of spring everywhere. The beautiful birds are back singing. The tulip bulbs I planted around Timmy’s stone at the cemetery are peeking through. It does not get dark until almost 7PM and the air just has a smell of spring in it. I feel so much better with warm air and sunshine. I always hoped that Middletown, NJ wouldn’t be where I would live forever. I always wanted to go someplace warm someday. Now with Timmy here, I don’t think I can ever leave.

My night at the Ronald McDonald House last Tuesday night was busy. My friend Mary Pat came by with her three children to visit. She wanted them to see the house and all the good that is done there. Her children, TJ, Jack and Claire loved the house and especially the playroom. Thank you so much Mary Pat for the delicious brownie bites and Irish Soda Bread you made for the families. I also gave the kitchen a good cleaning. It just was in need of some disinfecting. This kitchen has two of every appliance and lots of counter space, that’s lots of cleaning. I also had some office work to do so the night went very quickly.

There really is a lot of activity going on in my life lately. Sometimes I really do feel like my head is spinning. A lot of the time I worry that I am doing too much. There are many events coming up to benefit Timmy’s Foundation. My friends are wonderful and help me so much. I just have a hard time concentrating and getting things done quickly. April is just an emotional month. There’s no getting by the heart-wrenching fact that this time last year, I was watching my Timmy slowly slip away from me. I remember the hospice nurse telling me that the body is like a machine. It slowly shuts down, one function at a time. That is exactly the way it happened…slowly. I don’t allow myself to go there often; to those final days, but when I do…it hurts so very much.

Right now, all we have planned for April 11th is a Mass being said for Timmy at St. Mary’s Church in Middletown at 12PM. I welcome family and friends to attend if you can. Andrew, Jason, Jay and I will be there. I know we will go to the cemetery afterwards. It’s not a day that I feel like doing much of anything….we shall see.

Gosh I am jumping all over the place…

In following up with our Town Council meeting with Sea Bright, we are attending their next meeting tomorrow night. Our request to ride through the streets of Sea Bright for Timmy’s Tour de Shore is on the agenda under “Old Business”. It is then followed by “Response from Police Chief Moore”. Now being slightly pessimistic, I take this as a horrible sign that the Police Chief is there to be the official person to tell us “NO”. Jay being the optimist thinks that he will be there to say yes, and work with us to make Timmy Tour de Shore happen. Wish us luck…I will let everyone know how it turns out.

We had our first official meeting yesterday with over 20 enthusiastic volunteers to help with the planning of Timmy’s Tour de Shore. We had a very nice lunch together and then Jay got down to business and explained to everyone what needed to be done. Thank you so much to my brother Tom, amazing future sister-in-law Joanne, and all our friends for taking this labor of love on with us. There is so much work to do, but I can sense everyone’s excitement. I know that even with all the work that needs to be done, that this event will be one of the best things we all will have accomplished in our lives. What a good feeling knowing that we are doing our part, helping to fund research to find a cure for children who are battling cancer and brain tumors. Most of all, to those of us who knew and loved Timmy, it is our way of honoring him and remembering him.

A special thank you to my friend Lisa and her husband Bob for the wonderful dinner Saturday night. Lisa and I have been friends since High School. She has been very supportive of me during the whole time Timmy was sick and after. It was great to relax, reminisce and laugh with you both. Lisa and her daughter Sami gave us the best gift for Timmy’s Foundation. They gave us bags of personalized blue M&M’s. The M&M’s had TPF (Timothy Pauxtis Foundation) and “Love You Timmy” written on them. In case anyone is interested (Kristin C.), the website is www.mymms.com

Please keep all the children battling cancer and brain tumors in your thoughts and prayers, especially the angels and their families.


With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan



Monday, March 12, 2007 5:55 PM CDT

Hi Everyone,

I honestly do not know where time has gone. Soon, very soon it will be a year since my Timmy left me. The days and the months have gone by so quickly. Even though it is almost a year, I sometimes feel like Timmy will still be coming home, walking through the door any moment. Oh how I wish…I have good days and I have bad days. I know that I still think about Timmy every second of every day. I can cry at the very thought of him. I miss him so very much.

I think that I am opening up more to signs from Timmy. I found more “I love you” notes in a box in Timmy’s closet. One day last week while I was at the dentist, the song “Angel” (one of Timmy’s favorites) played on the radio. It was followed by a song “Knock, knock, knocking on Heaven’s door. I just had this feeling that the songs were a message from Timmy. After the dentist I went to the cemetery. I stood by Timmy’s stone and I was very weepy. I gazed up towards the sky and the most perfect, puffy, heart-shaped cloud was right over my head. I can’t even begin to explain how much I felt that it was a sign from Timmy too. It took my breath away. As time goes on, I believe I am more open to the certainty that Timmy is still all around me. He lives on in a way I don’t understand yet. I will live the rest of my days with hope and faith in God’s promise that I will see my Timmy again.

My night at the Ronald McDonald House last Monday night went well. It was a very quiet night. How I wish I could share with you some of the wonderful families that I have met. It’s so easy to get attached to them. I am going back again tomorrow night.

Last Thursday night, Jay and I attended the Parent Faculty Association meeting at Middletown Village Elementary School. The teachers and the families raised money to be donated to Timmy’s Scholarship Fund. We were overwhelmed when presented with a check for $2,500. I gave a very tearful, short thank you speech to everyone. Once again, thank you to our very generous Village School community who continue to love us and support us.

We have submitted the updated paperwork to the council members of Sea Bright. Hopefully soon we will get their approval and our permit to ride through their town. I have included below a link to a newspaper article written by a reporter who attended the council meeting that night. There are typographical errors, which bothers me, and incorrect information. Sea Bright does not have an ordinance against foot and bike races. They have a resolution. I will keep everyone updated on the progress of this. In the meantime, we will be having a meeting of volunteers for more planning of Timmy’s “Tour de Shore” this Sunday. There is so much work to do!

I will update soon.

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan

Click here to view the newspaper article


Monday, March 5, 2007 9:46 AM CST




WEDNESDAY, March 7th UPDATE on www.timothypauxtisfoundation.org (link below)


Dear Everyone,

Timmy's birthday was good. I could never have gotten through it as well, without the support of all my friends. I visited the cemetery three times that day. In the morning with some of my girlfriends. Thank you Sue, MaryAlice and MaryPat. In the afternoon with Jay. In the late afternoon with Jay and Jason where we had our balloon release. We all wrote messages on blue balloons and sent them off to Timmy in Heaven. In the evening we had chocolate birthday cake with Timmy's Godmother, Aunt Liz and her daughter Cindy. We sang happy birthday to our Angel. It felt so strange...it was very emotional. I kept my Timmy candle burning all day.

Thank you to Mrs. Bauer, Mrs. Lettieri, Mrs. Gibadlo and Mrs. Silverstein (all teachers from Timmy's school) for the beautiful basket of flowers. Also thank you to "a friend" for the basket of fruit. Thank you to my friend Sharon Nesbihal (her son Luke is buried near Timmy) for the beautiful Angel window catcher and Angel feather. Thank you Maria and her son Liam for the Pokemon figure and special card you left for Timmy. Thank you Peggy for the beautiful "Tim" charm and all your love and support. Thank you Aunt Liz for all your wonderful gifts and just being there for me. Thank you to my favorite Angel from Angel Wings, Laurie Fantasia for your beautiful messages and graphics. Once again thank you to everyone who sent cards or left messages and was there for me. It helped make Timmy's birthday so much more bearable.

All the emotions from Timmy's birthday hit me on Friday. Friday was the day that I just cried alot and generally felt pretty beat up. I spent the day quietly at home.

Tonight I am working at the Ronald McDonald House. I am looking forward to my time there. The house is pretty full. I enjoy talking to the families and seeing the children. There usually is always a volunteer group coming in to cook for the families or to help out. I love to see all the kindness that is given to these families.

Tomorrow night, is our night, to take on Borough Hall in Sea Bright. If you recall, Sea Bright is the only town that denied us permission to go through it for Timmy's "Tour de Shore". Jay is ready to take them on with an alternative plan that addresses their safety concerns. We have quite a few friends coming with us (some of whom are very good talkers) to support us. Wish us luck. I will let you all know how we made out on Timmy's Foundation website.

Please keep Genna, Gabbie, Skylar, Valerie-Grace, Brianna, Hadley, Carly, Jordan, Danny, Luke, Matthew and Nora in your thoughts and prayers. Many of these children have MRI's coming up. Some are undergoing chemotherapy or off chemotherapy, hoping and praying that their tumors remain stable. As always, my heart is with the families of our Angels. James Chacko, Jacob Field, Scott Lysenko (3 years in Heaven), Kyle Kerpan, Justis Yanez, Matthew Cirincione, Brent Nason, baby Vincie, baby Megan Jean Biebel, Dani-Ella Rose Jack, Kortney Gillette, Bethany Clift, Trey Thomas, Luke Nesbihal, Abbey Rodkey, Ryan Burrow, Dakota Michael Gay and Leah James. There are so many. We must find a cure!

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan


A card from all my girlfriends. This one is beautiful!

BLUE AGAINST BLUE

This Heavenly blue butterfly
will fly high in the sky,
higher and higher.
The sunlight will touch
the blue on its wings
until it seems to disappear.

We think it is gone,
because the blue of the butterfly
is the exact same blue of the sky.

We think it is gone,
because our eyes are too weak to see
and it is difficult
to believe what we cannot see.

But the blue butterfly is not gone,
It is still flying,
higher and higher,
nearer the sun.
Blue against blue.
For now and forever.



Thursday, March 1, 2007 7:28 AM CST


~Happy Birthday in Heaven Timmy~

Eleven years ago today at 11:22AM my Timmy came into the world weighing 7lbs 4ozs and 20 ½ inches long. This day, by far, was one of the happiest days of my life.

My candle is lit (see below) and the chocolate cake is baked. Jay and I will go to church today to light a candle. When Jason comes home from school, we will head over to the cemetery with a bunch of very blue balloons and send them to Heaven.

Yesterday was a gorgeous day. We had the most beautiful weather and Timmy blue skies. I was excited to already find balloons and flowers all around Timmy’s stone.

Thank you to all my wonderful friends for the cards sent and messages left here on Timmy’s site. You remembered my boy! I cannot even begin to express how much that means to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I had hoped to put a slide show of pictures together of Timmy’s birthdays since the day he was born. I was not able to find pictures from every birthday. Below I have a picture of Timmy’s very first birthday and Timmy at eight years old. These are the pictures that I want to remember when I think of Timmy.


~Gone, yet not forgotten, although we are apart, your spirit lives within me, forever in my heart~


With Love and Missing Timmy,
Susan
















Monday, February 26, 2007 7:28 PM CST


Hi Everyone,

All is peaceful here...it really is. We had another blast of winter hit last night. Another mix of snow and rain. I cannot wait for the warmth and beauty of springtime.

The Houseparent Appreciation Dinner for the volunteers at the Ronald McDonald House was very nice. We had a small room with an ocean view. It was such a dark, gloomy night but being near the ocean always brings me so much peace. They gave out some awards for five, ten and even twenty years of service. We had a great dinner and were all given red windbreakers with the RMH logo on it. My next night back at the RMH will be Monday, March 5th.

Well as some of you know, Timmy's birthday is this week. Timmy was born on February 29, 1996...my special Leap Day baby. I remember being ten days late with Timmy and hoping so much he wouldn't be born on Leap Day...but it was meant to be. It took Timmy a long time to realize that he only had a real birthday once every four years. Of course we celebrated it every year. I choose to celebrate in on March 1st. Once Timmy understood how special his birth date was, he had so much fun with it. I remember in 2004, when he turned eight years old. He told all his friends he was going to be two years old.

Timmy's birthday is truly one of the happiest days in my life. It is the day that Timmy chose me to be his mommy. I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say it will be mixed with sadness, because Timmy is no longer here.

Our plans right now for Thursday are keeping it very low-keyed. Jay is taking the day off. I want to bring balloons to the cemetery. I want to write some messages on cards, tie them to the balloons and send them off to Timmy in Heaven. I plan on making Timmy's favorite chocolate cake and singing happy birthday to him at home, in the evening, like we always use to do.

I know this is a difficult time for family and friends because no one knows what the right thing is to do. I know people are afraid of hurting me. I would just like to say that remembering Timmy is the right thing to do. Remembering him and saying his name, acknowledging his life touches my heart more then I can say. Remembering Timmy gives me hope and helps heal my hurting heart.

I hope to share some special pictures with all of you on Timmy's birthday Thursday....

I can't believe it. The hug counter has hit 1.6 million!

As of tonight the "crane counter" on Timmy's Foundation website has hit 100! In just four short weeks we have raised $1,000 dollars for pediatric brain tumor research. Thank you so much everyone.

I will update soon.

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan


Wednesday, February 21, 2007 9:24 PM CST

Hello Everyone,

We are home and it was a good day. Jay and I accomplished what we set out to do. I am so tired. My head and most of all my heart hurts. With all your prayers, good thoughts and my Angel Timmy by my side we took our next step forward in realizing our dream of raising money for research in the battle against pediatric brain tumors.

I cannot even begin to explain to everyone how during the ride out there, I felt my boy with me. As I sat in the passenger seat, I kept glancing over my shoulder to the back seat where Timmy used to sit. He always sat so quietly back there glancing out the window. I remembered how sometimes he would count all the State Trooper cars he saw. He knew exactly where each one was hiding.

The trip into Philadelphia was quick. We arrived at 2PM for our 3PM appointment with Dr. Phillips. Parking in the Woods Center parking garage brought back so many memories. I remembered all the times Timmy, even though it was so difficult to walk, he insisted on walking. I remembered how when his tumor progressed, he needed a wheelchair. He hated sitting in that wheelchair, but he gave into it.

Jay and I had needed to waste a little time so we had lunch at Au Bon Pain, a very nice little restaurant where I managed to have a little soup. As I sat there, I kept looking at all the faces coming into the restaurant. I really didn't want to recognize anyone. I wasn't much up to talking.

We went to the Abrahamson Research building and checked in at the security desk. The security guard called upstairs to let them know we were coming. As we were heading down the hallway to Dr. Phillips office we ran into Rosanna, one of the oncology nurse practitioner's. Rosanna greeted me with the biggest smile and hug. Rosanna has continued to be supportive of us and her smile and hug calmed me down so much. Thank you Rosanna, it was so good to see you. Right behind her was Dr. Phillips. Guess what...another wonderful welcome, a smile and a hug.

We got right down to business about our future fundraising efforts and what we could do to help with brain tumor research at CHOP. CHOP's funding by the National Cancer Institute has been cut by 15-20 percent. The money is so needed and research is very expensive. Once Jay and I process all the information we were given today, I will update more on Timmy's Foundation website.

I told myself that this meeting would be all business. It wasn't all about business. I needed to talk about Timmy. I needed to ask some questions...questions that I already knew the answers to, but I needed to ask. I received reassurance that we did the absolute best we could for Timmy. There still isn't anything out there that would have cured Timmy. We did the best we could up against one the most horrible cancers a child could get.

Jay and I left Children's Hospital feeling good about our meeting. We are determined to do our part in raising money to support brain tumor research. It is now full speed ahead with the planning of Timmy's Tour de Shore.

Tomorrow night I will be going to the Houseparents Appreciation Dinner for all the volunteers of the Ronald McDonald House. It is being held in a beauiful banquet hotel on the ocean. I think it will be a wonderful night.

I really need some sleep. Honestly, I really need to cry. I miss my boy so much tonight.

Thank you everyone for continuing to love and support us. I still get emails from people who continue to follow Timmy's journal. I am so proud of him...I am so proud of the effect Timmy has had on so many lives.

I will update soon.

Love, Susan


Wednesday, February 14, 2007 3:51 PM CST



NEW UPDATE: February 20th at www.timothypauxtisfoundation.org


Dear Everyone,

Winter has hit New Jersey today. What a mess it is outside! The temperature is bordering on the freezing mark so we have this rainy, snowy combination coming down outside. It is pure slush covered with ice outside! The wind is blowing up to 40MPH. Everything will freeze over tonight and more snow may be on the way.

I was awakened at 5AM this morning with Jason happily yelling “school is closed” in a rather loud voice. He really is funny. Even at 18 years old, the closing of school for any reason at all brings him so much joy. He certainly will not have many school closing issues to deal with when he goes to college in Florida. Well on second thought, they do get hurricanes down there.

Well my dinner for the volunteers of the Ronald McDonald House was cancelled last night due to the weather. It has been rescheduled for Thursday, February 22nd. Today was also the day Jay and I were to travel to Children’s Hospital in Philadelphia to meet with Timmy’s doctor. Dr. Phillips is the director of Neuro-Oncology at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. We are very interested in finding out what type of research they are doing there. We need to find our “focus” on where we want our fundraising dollars to go to. There are so many promising treatments, but they need funding to get off the ground. Our appointment with Dr. Phillips has been rescheduled to Wednesday, February 21st.

As much as I know this was a necessary trip back to Children’s Hospital, I feel relieved that I can put it off for another week. I have been flip- flopping back and forth about even going. I know Jay can be very professional and ask the questions that need to be asked. I have been worried that I would ruin this important meeting by being to emotional. How could I possibly not cry when I see Timmy’s doctor again. There are so many memories associated with him and every aspect of that hospital. I hope so much that when I am there that I can hold it together. I want this to be a good productive meeting.

I am so happy to tell everyone that Genna had her MRI and her tumors are stable! No chemo for another three months. Gabbie has some scary blood tests coming up. The doctors found a cyst on her ovary. The good news is that the doctors do not believe it is cancer, but need to do some follow up testing. Along with Ori, (Gabbie’s mom) I will be holding my breath until we hear the test results. I have become attached to both of these little girls and their wonderful mom’s. I have so much hope…hope for Gabbie, Genna, Skylar, Valerie-Grace, Brianna, Hadley, Carly, Jordan, Danny, Luke, Matthew and Nora as they battle on. My thoughts, as always, are with the other angel families of James, Jacob, Kyle, Scott, Justis, Matthew C, Brent, baby Vincie, baby Megan Jean, Dani-Ella, Kortney, Bethany, Trey, Luke N, Abbey and Dakota.

Well today on Valentine’s Day, I choose to remember the incredible love that Timmy gave to me. I was blessed to have a little boy who loved me so much and showed it every single day. I was blessed to be given the tightest hugs and warmest kisses. I choose to remember that the bonds of love do not end in death. I love you angel Timmy from the end of the earth to the other side, round and round, and back again!


With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan

Pictures For All My Family & Friends in Warmer Climates:




Friday, February 9, 2007 7:59 PM CST

Dear Everyone,

Thank you all so very much for your support and kind words about Timmy's Foundation website. It's really blue, isn't it! Now that the website is up, it is full speed ahead planning for Timmy's Tour de Shore. It was Timmy's love of bike riding and the beach that that gave us the idea for this fundraising event. I will continue to update everyone about the Tour de Shore on the Foundation's website, as things begin to fall into place.

Grieving during the bitter cold winter months is taking its toll on me. I seem to be sick a lot and just not sleeping well. I knew that this grieving journey was going to be a bumpy road, but I seem to have fallen into a hole. I am trying so hard to pull myself up out of it. I saw my therapist yesterday and I just cried to her. I told her that I still love Timmy so much. I know it sounds silly. I never ever expected to stop loving him because he died. I just still love him so much! I cannot see him, hear his voice, hug him, get him ready for school, take him to cub scouts or karate. I am not doing any of those things with him anymore, but I still love him just as much as if he were still here with me. What do they say about absence makes the heart grow fonder. It is true of the heart in life and in even in death.

Timmy's birthday will be coming up soon. Timmy was born on Leap Day in 1996. It took him such a long time to understand that he only had a real birthday once every four years. When he caught on, especially on his eighth birthday, he had fun telling people that he was only two years old. I haven't really decided what we will do on Timmy's birthday, which we celebrate on March 1st on non-Leap Day years. I think baking his favorite birthday cake, some balloons and singing happy birthday to him will be all I will be up to this year.

I am now certified in CPR for adults and children. I took a CPR course at the Ronald McDonald House yesterday. As part of the Red Cross CPR course they teach you how to use an AED (Automatic External Defibrillator). It is a very user-friendly device that you use to shock a persons heart that has little electrical activity. All I have to do is put the pads on in the right place, listen to what the machine tells me to do and push a little yellow button to deliver the shock. This is pretty cool stuff and really good knowledge to have.

I am not working at the RMH until next Friday, but on Tuesday night they are having a volunteer appreciation dinner at a very nice restaurant. I have met a lot of wonderful women at the house and I am looking forward to spending some time out with them.

I think soon it will be time to end Timmy’s Caringbridge website. It will be hard to keep up with two websites. I want to devote my time to the Foundation and its website. Even as I write this, I get weepy thinking about not writing here anymore. Journaling has been so good for me. All of my internet friends/Caringbridge friends have been an incredible source of love and support for such a long time now. I hope you will all continue to follow along on Timmy’s Foundation website. I will definitely stay around until Timmy’s first anniversary in Heaven on April 11th.

As always please keep all the children battling cancer and brain tumors in your thoughts and prayers. For all the angel families, my heart is with you.

I have included the link to the “Timothy Pauxtis Foundation” website in the links below.

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan



Sunday, February 4, 2007 8:52 PM CST

Dear Everyone,

Almost ten months ago, we lost our ten year old son Timmy to an inoperable brain tumor. For 17 months we fought to keep him here with us, but the cancer was too aggressive, too resistant to any medical treatments. Timmy’s life was cut short, but in his memory we have established The Timothy Pauxtis Foundation.

It is our hope that with Timmy’s Foundation we can turn our grief into something positive. We are holding on to the hope that someday there will be a world where brain tumors and cancer does not exist for our children. We will work our hardest to help make a difference.

Visit the Foundation's website to find out more about our goals and mission.

www.timothypauxtisfoundation.org

We love you and miss you very much Timmy


Sunday, February 4, 2007 8:52 PM CST

Dear Everyone,

Almost ten months ago, we lost our ten year old son Timmy to an inoperable brain tumor. For 17 months we fought to keep him here with us, but the cancer was too aggressive, too resistant to any medical treatments. Timmy’s life was cut short, but in his memory we have established The Timothy Pauxtis Foundation.

It is our hope that with Timmy’s Foundation we can turn our grief into something positive. We are holding on to the hope that someday there will be a world where brain tumors and cancer does not exist for our children. We will work our hardest to help make a difference.

Visit the Foundation's website to find out more about our goals and mission.

www.timothypauxtisfoundation.org

We love you and miss you very much Timmy.


Thursday, February 1, 2007 11:15 AM CST

Hello Everyone,

I was so hoping that today would be the day that our new website for "The Timothy Pauxtis Foundation" would be ready, but unfortunately it is not. We truly are so close, just proof reading everything and making sure everything works. Jay and Andrew put a lot of time and work into making Timmy's Foundation website. I am so proud of both of them. There is a page on the website that is "About Timmy". It took me days to write and I went through many boxes of tissues. How do you sum up a child's life in a few short paragraphs? You really can't. Most of you, my dear family and friends have followed Timmy's journey all along. You all know how wonderful OUR boy was. Stay tuned, hopefully in a few more days our website will be up!

It has been cold here in New Jersey and we have had our share of snow. I don't like going to the cemetery too much right now. It looks so cold and desolate there. It makes me sad and depressed. The other day when we had about three inches of snow, I just had to go by to see how everything looked. Much to my surprise, I found that someone had shoveled a path all the way to Timmy's stone and cleared out all around it. I am not sure who did this, but it was such a kind thing to do. It makes me happy to think that there are people who I don't even know, who truly care about Timmy and our family.

I am volunteering at the Ronald McDonald House tonight. As I type this, I am cooking up a meal for the residents at the house. I made a tray of baked chicken, rice pilaf, mixed veggies, rolls and of course brownies. The families do appreciate the food very much. This is something that I can do to make their lives a little easier and that makes me feel good.

A short update today everyone. I have alot to do, but I wanted to check in with everyone. Please, please keep all the children battling brain tumors in your thoughts and prayers. I especially ask for Gabbie (visit:gabriellehughes). She may have some surgeries in her future to remove some tumors. Her mom and Gabbie could use lots of words of encouragement. Genna (nj/gennahenna) who has a scan approaching. For Skylar, Valerie-Grace, Brianna, Hadley, Carly, Danny, Jordan, Luke, Matthew and Nora.

For all the angel families, my heart and thoughts are with you. I found this quote that I would like to share with you:

"Who can so softly bind up the wound of another, as he who has felt the same wound himself"

Thomas Jefferson


With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan




Thursday, January 25, 2007 7:06 PM CST

Dear Everyone,

When you live in the brain tumor world, you live your life in retrospect of the months and years that are behind you. Even now with Timmy being an angel, I constantly think about what was happening just one year ago. I’ve counted each month that Timmy has been gone. The last few days I have been feeling strangely uneasy. My mind was slow in remembering exactly what happened this time last year, but my tired body was screaming that something was wrong. A year ago, at this time, we found out that Timmy had his third chemo failure and major tumor progression. It was around this time that we had to come to terms with the fact that we were losing Timmy. It was around this time that we had to think about hospice care for our sweet boy. It was around this time that I started praying for a miracle. I can’t even begin to explain how much those memories hurt. The memories are almost as painful as when this was all happening just a year ago.

I went to the cemetery today to visit Timmy. It is freezing here and we have been having lots of snow flurries. I sat on the frozen ground next to Timmy’s stone for about a half hour today. I cried so much and told Timmy that I was so sorry. It helped to cry…I needed to cry. I really didn’t feel the freezing cold as I sat on the ground, but when I got up my backside was wet and muddy. I just had to laugh at myself. The weather here in New Jersey is now going into a deep freeze. Snow is on the way.

I volunteered at the Ronald McDonald House on Monday night. It was an extremely quiet night. I brought in a bag full of Sony Playstation games that use to belong to Timmy. They were all really cute ones like Fairly Odd parents, Lego Star Wars, Bugs Bunny and Taz. I know the children will really enjoy them. I have also signed up to take a CPR course on February 8th at the house. I use to be CPR certified. Back in another life, I was an Emergency Medical Technician. Jay and I both did volunteer work on an ambulance in Brooklyn. That was a very long time ago…… :-)

Jason has started mid-terms and Andrew has started his new semester at college. Jason definitely has senior-itis and is looking forward to going to sunny Florida to start college. The boys are doing well, but missing Timmy so much.

Once again we continue to work on our new website for “The Timothy Pauxtis Foundation”. It is my hope that it will be up by the end of this month. Then you can all see what we have been up to.

Please keep all the children battling cancer and brain tumors in your thoughts and prayers. My heart and prayers go out to all the angel families. I read somewhere that a child that has died is with you in a way a living child cannot be. They are like our guardian angels. They are and always will be a part of all we have known.

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan



Thursday, January 18, 2007 6:46 PM CST

Dear Everyone,

When I wrote my last update, I wrote that it has been nine months and I have not had any dreams of Timmy yet. It’s unbelievable! I had the most beautiful, vivid dream of Timmy Tuesday night. I have been asking Timmy for signs to help his mom stay strong, and to know that he is okay. Timmy came through for me.

In my dream I was going up the stairs of our home where all the bedrooms are. Timmy’s room is at the top of the stairs and something made me look that way. In my dream, I knew, I knew Timmy was gone. Timmy’s bedroom door slowly opened and behind the door was my boy smiling at me. He was my Timmy before he was sick. He was not puffy from the steroids. He was surrounded in so much blue and seemed so busy. I felt he was getting ready for school. He spoke to me but I cannot recall the words. I remember in my dream saying, “no, this cannot be, Timmy is gone”, but his presence was so real. I wish I could remember what he said to me, but what I do remember is that it was Timmy’s voice speaking to me. I was hearing his sweet little voice. I awoke and was so happy and at peace. I tried all day to remember what Timmy said to me, but the words will not come back to me. What a gift this dream was to me. : )

I had a good night at the Ronald McDonald House on Monday night. It was Martin Luther King Day and for some reason the house was very quiet for a while. That changed pretty quickly when some food was delivered and all the families came back from the hospital. Everyone was in the kitchen eating and socializing. Someone made the most delicious Ghirardelli brownies. That’s what I had for dinner. I always put up a pot of Ronald McDonald coffee for the families too. I like to keep busy while I am there so I usually clean the kitchen too. There is two of every appliance there, and I think that I just got use to disinfecting everything when Timmy was sick. I go back again Monday night.

Last night I had a fun night out. A few days a go a friend invited me to go see Barry Manilow at Madison Square Garden. Now I know some people may not even know who Barry Manilow is, but I grew up with some of his music and I like him. We had good seats and Barry is still a fantastic performer. He is amazing on the piano! He sang songs from the 50’s, 60’s, 70’s and his absolute hit songs Mandy, Copacabana, I Write the Songs, so many more. Music is so healing, especially very loud music. I had a good night out with the girls and enjoyed the concert very much.

Below are some pictures I found of Timmy, on my computer that I have not seen since they were taken. These pictures of Timmy were taken in August, 2005. He is riding on the motorcycle with one of his New Jersey State Trooper friends. He looks so good in the pictures, very happy. I love his grin. We thought he was doing well, but we found out shortly afterwards that Timmy had tumor progression and that his chemotherapy had failed. These pictures are a treasure to me…..

Please keep all the children battling cancer and brain tumors in your thoughts and prayers. Genna (scans coming up), Gabbie (scans this week), Skylar, Valerie-Grace, Brianna, Hadley, Carly, Danny, Jordan, Luke (stable scans!), Matthew and Nora.

For all the angel families of James, Jacob, Kyle, Scott, Justis, Matthew C, Brent, baby Vincie, baby Megan-Jean, Dani-Ella, Kortney, Bethany, Trey, Luke N, Abbey and Heaven’s newest angel Dakota.

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan

P.S It’s snowing here in New Jersey. It’s not sticking…yet…but oh so beautiful.




Thursday, January 11, 2007 9:14 AM CST


Dear Everyone,

Today my Angel Timmy has been in Heaven for nine months. I’ve been trying so hard not to count the days, the months, but it is just not possible. I have survived nine months without my Timmy. It is by God’s grace and the love of my family and friends that I have come this far. I also truly believe with all my heart that Timmy and I still have a connection. He is not physically here with me but our connection can never be broken, not even by death. I love Timmy so much and I can feel his love in return. I wish that I could be more open to signs from him. I know he must be trying to reach out to me. I don’t even dream about him. Sometimes little things happen and I don’t know what to think. For instance, a few weeks ago, in the evening, a sun catcher fell off a window. Almost at the same time a picture of Timmy fell down to the floor, then my apple pie scented candle (the one I burned while Timmy was in hospice) exploded. The glass shattered all over my television. All these incidences brought Jay, Jason and I together in the same room looking at each other. I called out to Timmy asking him if he was with us?? I think these may just be coincidences, but I have been told that there are no coincidences, they are God-incidences.

The Ronald McDonald House is going great. I did my first “intake” last Friday night when a very scared young couple came to the house. They had a preemie in the Neo- Natal ICU at the nearby hospital. I did my best to make them feel comfortable. They were so delighted when they saw their room. The rooms at the house are so beautifully decorated. It really is a house that love built. I also attended a “house parent” refresher course Tuesday night. I got to meet many house parents that I haven’t met yet. We were asked to introduce ourselves and tell a little about ourselves. I told the group with tears in my eyes that I had three beautiful sons, and that one of them is an angel. I told them that we spent time in the RMH in Philadelphia, and being here now was my way of giving back and hopefully help with my healing. I thought afterwards that maybe I should not have said anything about Timmy. It really makes people sad, some uncomfortable, Timmy is the biggest part of who I am right now. I just need to talk about him. I am looking forward to working again Monday night.

We are keeping busy working on Timmy’s Foundation. It is so much work, but as Jay puts it…it is a labor of love. We are still working on the new website and are planning a major fundraiser that now has a date. It is October 7, 2007 (Andrew’s 23rd birthday). I must keep you all in suspense until it comes together more. What I can tell you is that the fundraiser involves Timmy’s love of the beach and bike riding :) You will have to keep checking back for the details…

It is finally cold here in New Jersey. We had light snow fall yesterday morning. It was beautiful!

Thank you to everyone who continues to read Timmy’s website and leave messages. Your messages always make me smile and make my days so much brighter.

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan

A passage from the book “Healing after Loss”

When everything is dark, when we are surrounded by despairing voices, when we do not see any exits, then we can find salvation in a remembered love, a love which is not simply a recollection of a bygone past but a living force which sustains us in the present. Through memory, love transcends the limits of time and offers hope at any moment of our lives.

Henri Nouwen….



Thursday, January 4, 2007 4:07 PM CST

Happy New Year Everyone,

Wishing you all a New Year filled with love, happiness, health, and most of all hope. It is my deepest hope for this New Year, that steps forward will be made in the treatment of children’s cancer and brain tumors. We must find a cure!

It is so good to be home. I seemed to have more time to update on the cruise then I do now that I am home. Our Christmas cruise was such a good thing for our family. There were so many tears, there always will be when we think of our sweet boy and all that he went through. I hope so much that my grief will not always control my thoughts and emotions. Timmy is so very missed, but there was some peace, some healing given to us that our family very much needed. When surrounded by God’s beauty, it is so easy to feel and see that there is so much more to life, then what we have right now. Life is such a miracle and the world we live in is beautiful! I have no doubts that Heaven exists and is more beautiful then anyone could ever imagine. There were days that I stood on the ship, with blue ocean all around me, and felt such a peace. It brings me to tears to think about it, but it felt as good as a great big hug from Timmy.

Thank you to all my friends who visited Timmy for me while I was gone. Thank you Sharon, who while visiting her son Luke every day, watched over my Timmy too. It was so appreciated.

I must tell everyone that our night at the Ronald McDonald House, just before Christmas was incredible. My friends and I brought a lot of delicious food and amazing desserts. The residents at the house enjoyed it so much. The house was very busy that night. There were lots of children there. Santa even made an appearance and gave gifts out to the children. We made a lot of families very happy that night and it felt so good. Thank you so much to everyone who helped me make this night so wonderful! I go back tomorrow night for five hours….

Well with the creation of “The Timothy Pauxtis Foundation” comes a lot of work. Work that Jay and I both welcome and look forward to. I have so much to share with everyone, but I want to get further along with business before I talk about it. Hopefully by the end of January a new website will be up telling everyone what we are up to.

Please keep all the children battling cancer and brain tumors in your thoughts and prayers. Genna, Gabbie, Skylar, Valerie-Grace, Brianna, Hadley, Carly, Jordan, Luke, Matthew, Dakota and Nora.

For all the Angel families, especially Brent, (Heaven’s newest Angel), also James, Jacob, Kyle, Scott, Justis, Matthew C, baby Vincie, baby Megan Jean, Dani-Ella (first anniversary in Heaven), Kortney, Bethany, Trey, Luke N and Abbey.

I will update soon.

With Love & Missing Timmy,
Susan

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