Journal

Tuesday, June 23, 2009 10:03 PM CDT

Hi, all…
Yes, I’m mixing it up, updating at night. I should know better…

Well, this weekend…sigh. Drove all the way out to Hershey on Friday afternoon, after opting to not go to the theme park. Dave & I have both been kind of stressed by life recently, just didn’t have the time to do theme park and then get Andrew to bed early at the hotel, etc. So we schlepped out to scenic Mechanicsburg, PA to a Holiday Inn, and settled in.

The room was nice, but Small…we had to wedge the cot in the one available spot, it was kind of comical (I got myself trapped in the corner), but we did eventually find a spot for everyone. The girls went swimming and Andrew went to hang out with his team. We managed to get everyone to sleep pretty early, a good thing since Andrew had to be ready to go by 7:15 a.m….

At 6 Dave looked out the door and said, “It’s raining…”

Now for anyone NOT on the east coast of the U.S., it has been raining for weeks. Literally a sogfest of near biblical proportions. My hydrangeas are seriously taking over the world, they are so happy, but everything else is sad and soggy and spindly and ugh. Saturday was supposed to have a chance of showers or thunderstorms, so we thought we’d get our 2 early games in…but the heavens opened, it was torrential for hours…

And the tournament got cancelled.

This was a significant bummer.

So we traveled home, very bedraggled and full of woe…we did have a nice impromptu visit with my aunt, who lives about 12 minutes from where the hotel was (I haven’t seen her in a few years, it was really nice to crash her Saturday & say hi to her & Uncle Bill!). Then we stopped at Cabela’s, which is always an experience. The highlight was seeing a guy vacuuming the animals on the giant mountain display…!

Sunday we were so befuddled…I had no plans for David for Father’s Day, we just sort of didn’t know what to do…Genna was thrilled, because we were once again free to go to Aunt Donna’s for our traditional Father’s Day fest. We did have a really nice time…thanks, Donna, for letting us last minute show up!

And so it goes…

I feel a bit like life is living me these days. Sorting out paperwork for various camps, school stuff, medical, whatever fills my brain. G has had some really, really challenging moments recently…and for whatever reason-- maybe the imminent scan?—I’m feeling a bit reminded of the underpinnings of our reality.

Grief is an odd bird. Every so often it glides across a day, just touching my thoughts with a shadow…it makes me so very tired.

Today I saw Genna on top of the swingset, trying to fix one of the swings (there are monkey bars across the top). My sister kind of gasped, “whoa, she can do that?”…and I had this wave of remembering…before…before G got sick, she was a monkey. I used to find her, as a toddler, on top of furniture, cabinets, you name it, she’d climb it. I once debated putting 2 gates across her bedroom door because she was such a Houdini…

This is the same girl who can’t skip now. Sports terrify her. She tries so hard, she’s gotten a lot better, and geez, I know she’s doing great, she can walk and play and run and I’m grateful…

But I’m mad, too. I’m mad for what G DID lose in all this. I love who she is…I just sometimes remember before…

My friend Heide made this amazing Wall of Courage honoring brain tumor kids…and seeing my girls’ pictures…God, my GIRLS’…S apostrophe, plural, how can this be? Anyway, Heide did a fabulous job…but I don’t want my girls to be brain tumor kids. I just want them to be kids.

Sorry…I know, I need some cheese with all this whine.

Yesterday was Angel Nora’s birthday (17) and today was Angel Erin’s birthday (5). My heart is so much with those families…and Heide’s Jessica’s birthday was 2 weeks ago…

I am so lucky…it’s like a smoothie sometimes, the feelings of “holy Toledo we are blessed” and “holy crap we are screwed” all in the same moment…I guess it would be one of those green smoothies involving things like wheat grass and cod liver oil and random noni leaves or something. Urp. Not strawberry.

THIS is why I don’t update at night! But tomorrow is so busy…

We are supposed to go to Lake George on Saturday, and I am so not ready. I’m just tired. And I need to start running AGAIN, this stupid rain has been a real downer. But today we had sun…

In one funny moment, I couldn’t locate the margarine in the fridge, so I asked Genna where it was (sometimes this is a rhetorical question, alas). She told me she was tempted, so she threw the whole stick in the garbage. While enterprising and showing admirable proactivity, I kind of needed the margarine…but it did make me smile.

Anyway, please think of my sister Em this weekend as she runs a half marathon with the NF team…and for Gabbie and her big fundraiser coming up (Ori, I will send you stuff, it may be in bits & pieces!), and for all our friends fighting, all our friends grieving. Next week is Sandra’s anniversary…and James’ birthday is coming up…
Please, please pray for all our bt friends.

Peace,
Kristin

Hospital Information:

Children's Hospital of Philadelphia
34th Street and Civic Center Blvd.
Philadelphia, PA
(215)590-3025 if you want to schedule something oncological, I hope you don't have to, ever.

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