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Ruth C. Latimer
Be Good! For the pathway is narrow and steep
And with these words I could not sleep
I would work and work; strain and groan
To be worthy to reach the heavenly home.
Four times the doctors told me I might die
I'd walk away with a heavy sigh
I am playing Russian Roulette with each child I bear
And it seemed to me as if no one really cared.
No liquor, smoke, or foul words reached my mouth
Why then all this restlessness inside my house?
Why do I fear such a word as death?
Is life a guessing game to the last breath?
I've taken inventory; I've not been too bad
But, why can't I like Paul be glad?
He can stay here or go there
I want to stay here for fear of "there."
God, I've sought you through chapel doors
And to tell you the truth I can't look anymore.
I've been to Frisco, Denver, and Spokane
And the churches are the same all over the land.
Whenever a Christian approached me I'd tear them apart
Who do they think they are? They're not so smart.
The way, I said, is hard and rough.
They said, "Your Sons dying, shedding His blood and rising was enough.
How many times Lord have You asked me to take You into my heart?
Now Lord I am ready to do my part.
A sinner I see myself to be
All hope is lost without Thee.
I accept You Jesus as my Savior and Lord
For your Word is "sharper than a two edged sword.
It is to Thee I will come when my days are done
I will be with Thee forever, Father and Son.
Ruth C. Latimer
Journal
Thursday, September 23, 2010 5:42 AM CDT Hello...
I haven't written in a few years.
I doubt many (if any) read my page anymore,
but just in case, I thought I would explain my
absence and offer a update.
When I got back from the group home,
I was in a very deteriated state of mind.
I wasn't angry, sad, happy- I was numb.
I spent day in and day out hearing things
no child wants to hear- "your family
has been lying to you, " "you shouldn't be
around them," etc. I couldn't take in that I was home, I was safe, and that I wasn't going back to that place.
When I finally recooperated from the experiance, I was in the mode of "trying to get back to normal." I didn't tell anyone about the group home experiance, and often tried hiding my being sick, because I was worn out. I didn't have the fight in me. I had used all of me to survive the group home, and I just wanted to be "normal" for once.
Over time, I got caught up in the day to day things of life, and struggling with my being sick, that I just didn't update.
After the group home, cancer scared me even more so then it had before. Whenever I went on CaringBridge, I was surrounded my death. Strong, beautiful kids dying everyday from a sick and twisted monster that they couldn't control. I would always look at these kids- bright, loving, strong-and wonder the infamous question that passes through everybody's head more than once "why?"
They provided people with so much hope, touched so many people with their lives-and here I was, alive. Why? why them, and not me? It killed me everyday to look at the sites of kids I had adopted, friends I knew, frozen in time. Kids my age, and some a little younger then me, who had died. I couldn't take it in that I was 14 years old, going to my first home coming-something they were never going to experiance. Cancer terrified me. I was ashamed that I hadn't been able to stop it, ashamed that I was alive, and I couldn't take being around it. I didn't know how to say goodbye to anyone else. I had lost so many people I loved due to cancer, had seen so much loss and pain, and that mixed with the group home, I couldn't take much more. Everything from my past and finally caught up with me. So, I ran.
I was sitting here this morning with my bestfriend, one of the few people that know everything that happened. About the group home, and the cancer, and the kids. I remembered my diary, and I came back to it. I spent a better part of the morning looking at pages of some of my friends. I looked at Allies page, Codis page, one girl named Kaitlyn, and a few more. Allie was a amazing girl who lost her battle to cancer when she was eight. I was eleven at the time of her death. Codi died when I was thirteen, and the rest of my kids pages had either been deleted, or they were doing well. I thought of my friend Larry, and his death. My friend watched as I sat there. The shame, pain, and hurt I had tried to outrun 2 years before had finally caught up with me. I sat there, and realised that the kids who had fought and lost their battles were at peace now. And I needed to be to. I had to remember their strength, and the love and happiness they passed along to the world during their short lives.
I realize that my fears do not excuse me from my absence. It was wrong, and it was cowardly, and I hope you can accept my apologies. For all of you who I let down, I am deeply sorry. I know you stayed by my side, and I hope you do not regret doing so. And I know that because of such events, and what happened before my absence, that you may distrust the validity of my families journey over the years. Please do not doubt us. I hope those that do know us, that got to know us during this journey, will trust that we were honest. I hope that we can form a relationship again.
Updates:
My sister, Ashlee, has her own apartment downtown and is in the middle of her first year of college. She is working at a childrens theatre producing/acting in plays, and later on in life she wants to open her own childrens theatre. She will be Nineteen in October.
My brother Zach is ten, and is in the fifth grade. He's active in football right now.
My mom is currently working part time, and enjoying being a mom/wife/grandmother (I got a puppy ;) )
and my father is a construction worker.
We have finally gotten to the bottom of what has been going on with me medically over the years. We have had the proper tests done, and have a diagnosis. I will put more on that in my next journal.
Presently, I am going to be starting lessons in piano/dance/and voice. I want to pursue my dream in country music. I am also going to be attending Tennessee School of Beauty next year.
I want to send my love out to the people who wrote me, sent cards and letters, signed my guestbook, and followed my story over the years. To those of you who never gave up, and always had faith in my family and I, thank you. I love you guys so much. I want to send my prayers out to cancer kids and families, and I want to apologize once again for being absent over the years. I hope to be able to get back in touch with you guys, and again, I love you SO much.
I am going to look at becoming a angel, as the love and support of my angels over the years really helped get me through. Anyone who has questions, or who wants to catch up, my email is at the bottom of the page. I would love to hear from you!
God bless, and I promise to write.
XOXOXO
Katelynn.
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