Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Journal

Sunday, February 11, 2007 5:34 PM CST

First to my husband Charlie, my family, relatives and friends:

This week we will celebrate Valentine’s Day – the day to be with those we love and care about so deeply. I have always liked Valentine’s Day – I remember the red felt heart, trimmed with white lace I made as a child in school. It always hung on my bedroom door so I could put all my Valentine’s wishes from friends and family in it. I still have it and treasure it. As I have aged, I now enjoy giving baked goodies, candy and maybe a little trinket to those I care about, just to show them one day out of the year how much I love them. January 13, 2004, brought a whole new meaning to Valentine’s Day for me. This is the day my precious son Nelson was born with complex congenital heart defects. Valentine’s day worldwide is recognized as “Congenital Heart Defects Awareness” day, and, rightfully so, the heart, now depicting an entirely new meaning for me.

We often have so many things we talk about saying and doing and never seem to find time to say them or do them. So this Valentine’s Day, I will do something I have said I would do for 2 years - properly thank all those who have been such an intricate part of my life. There are many of you who knew Nelson, and many of you I met after he died – although all of you loved him. Regardless, you all have been a significant part of my healing process.

I am very grateful for those I have met along the path God has chosen for me. My husband Charlie – you shared your love with me to create the most beautiful child of God. You know my every need! The thought of having gone through our life with Nelson without you would have devastated me. In a time when so many run the other way to take the easy way out, you held me up all the times I thought I would never make it. When I was doubtful, you reassured me - hungry, you fed me, physically, mentally and emotionally. You are an eternal optimist, always finding the good even when things were so bad. Days I thought I couldn’t make it one more second – you rescued me. We committed 100% together and provided the BEST for our Nelson. God gave me the gift of you being my husband, and, Nelson’s daddy, and I am a better person because of it. You are a wonderful father. I have seen the following several times and can just hear Nelson telling you this, and recall you saying some of these very things to me throughout the past two years.

Hi Daddy, it’s me, your baby boy in the sky. Won’t you tell me Daddy, why does my Mommy cry? Doesn’t she know I’m happy here? Heaven’s a beautiful place. Oh, how it hurts me, Daddy to see tears streaming down Mommy’s face. Daddy, tell her I’m much better here, Jesus fixed my heart. But when I see Mommy crying, it just about tears it apart. I know it hurt you both, Daddy, when Jesus took me away. But you and mommy remember, we’ll be together again someday. I can’t wait to hug you, I never got the chance before. When it’s time for you to come, I’ll be waiting at Heaven’s door. Then you’ll both understand, Jesus knew where I needed to be. What a marvelous place to live, just wait and you both shall see. Please let my Mommy know, Daddy, that I heard every word she said. And I remember her softly touching me as I lay in that hospital bed. Just one more thing, Daddy, before I have to go, I love you both very much and just wanted you to know. Author Unknown

Thank you for being who you are and for loving me. To my sister Karen, your “baby bling bling” will always take up a special place in your heart – gone but NEVER forgotten. Thank you for always being there for me, for communicating to those on Nelson’s condition when sometimes I could not find the strength to do it, much less the words to say. I could not have gotten through the past 3 years without you. You are a amazing person, always helping others and putting them before yourself. Granjan, simply said – I wouldn’t have made it without you. You are my inspiration, my support emotionally, mentally and physically and most importantly, Nelson’s grandmother. I am thankful I was able to give you the honor of the distinguishment of being a grandmother. You deserve it. You too endured sleepless nights, hospital stays and so much more – always doing it with a prayer and a smile. You have given me love and taught me how to love and for that I am most grateful. Brother Gus – you understand me when so many others do not – you allow me to be myself, whether angry or crying and you just listen. Never trying to solve anything – just being there for me. I will always remember Nelson being tiny, about 3 weeks old, and mom asking you if you wanted to hold him - your response, “No, I’m good right now.” I thank you for the gift of laughter. “A merry heart doeth like a good medicine.” Proverbs 17:22

To my Crump family – what amazing individuals you are – all different but each with a foundation of faith and love. Momma C and Leslie, I know you both were the warriors of prayer for our little boy. You too, spreading the word about Nelson, whether it was in rejoicing, or in desperate times. Always being there and offering endless amounts of compassionate support, and most importantly, I thank you for taking care of my husband during the times when I could not.

To my friends, both personally and professionaly, you all stood by me wanting to know what to do and you each always knew just what to say. Whether it was fresh flowers to brighten the day, food to nourish the soul or just a call to see how things were going – you heightened my awareness of the gifts of patience, love and understanding. You all have stood by me over the past years through my peaks and valleys. How lonely would I be without you? To Jennifer –God put you in my life for a reason and his name is Nelson. You made the complex situations bearable for me because of your genuine care and compassion. I still see it in you everyday with the gentleness of your touch and the prayers in your heart. Thank you for being honest with me and never trying to cover up the bad situations. You helped me realize early on the realness of it all and looking back, I now see your gingerly way in preparing me for what might be, although I never dreamed it would come true. You were first Nelson’s doctor and now forever my friend.

God has taught me quite a bit about life over the past 3 ½ years. He has taught me to understand what is important in life - God, family, health, and friends. We were so fortunate our life with Nelson was spent mostly outside of the hospital. The times Nelson was in the hospital, as I watched my most precious son fighting for his life, I realized this would change a person, for better or worse. There would be good days and bad days, and during those bad days all I could do was sit and pray Nelson was not in pain. All I ever thought about during those dark days was, is he in pain and how can I make him comfortable? I still remember how he looked after his heart surgery, nothing like himself. My heart ached to see him this way although I knew it was something I had to endure to give him every fighting chance. In the months following his surgery, we had the best of times. All the while, with the nightfall of each day, I wondered if he’d live to see the light of the next day. The morning after his first birthday, I knew Nelson was preparing to get his perfect heart from Jesus – Charlie and I told him everyday, if that’s what he wanted, we would let him go. The day was an upside down rollar coaster ride all the way. Peaks and valleys, correcting current problems, and only creating future ones. And as I laid in the bed with him, my head cradled under his neck on his chest, I recall those “Paul Newman” sparkling blue eyes looking at me and his sweet, angelic little face, a soul so innocent and pure, free from all sin, looking at me and reaching out with his hand to hold mine. I could only wonder what was going through his mind and what he thought was happening to him. My prayers always being God would not let him feel any pain. As I held him in my arms and rocked him with Charlie by my side, we sang “Jesus Love Me” to him. He was so peaceful. I told him if he wanted to go see Jesus to get his perfect heart, then Mommy and Daddy would let him go. His heart stopped beating that very minute and I knew our Nelson was free from all discomfort. Although it left a gapping hole in our lives, we too, with God’s help, are making it through the days that lie ahead in our lives. When Charlie and I left the hospital that night, our dear friend Christi told us to lean on each other. To respect each others grief, give each other space and to allow each other to grieve in our own way, all the while knowing it would not be easy. Charlie and I vowed we would not become the statistic – 88% of marriages do not survive the loss of a child.

My life has forever been changed. No one ever said life was easy and somewhere along the way we have to find our niche, the place where we have a balance and can manage it. Just when I think I have it sometimes, God reminds me to continue seeking Him and what He wants in my life…ever changing and more importantly continuing to grow and learn. To Melody, Heather and Regina – in time it will become easier, I promise. Even in the darkest days when it does not seem possible, we find ourselves reaching way down, deep inside to try and make sense of any part of what we have endured. I am thankful God chose to cross our paths. I know my Nelson was waiting on your precious children Cooper, Connor and Sylas and although we still experience the gut wrenching pain of our loss, our children are blessed to have eternal life – something we all will have one day.

Charlie and I are in the process of adopting a baby – we are anxiously awaiting to be paried with a birthmother and excited about adding to our lives the joy and laughter only a child can put in your heart. Please keep us in your prayers for patience while we wait. We look forward to our lives being enriched with a new child and will keep updates posted through Nelson’s website – I know he has a hand in choosing his little brother or sister. Through this journey too, God has put people in my life to be support. I am thankful to have you LeAnna. You have traveled this road and are an amazing inspiration for me. I appreciate you keeping me grounded with your words of wisdom, encouragement and the unconditional love you have given me. Most importantly, I thank you for sharing your son Patrick with me, evermore reminding me of what a gift life truly is and how precious these tiny souls are to us.

As we approach Valentine’s Day, the day when we all share love with each other, be grateful for those in your life, whether it be for a short time or for an awhile. Remember how fragile life can be. Remember to hug your loved ones a little harder and to love with all your heart. Be forgiving and keep your faith strong.

Last week I sat with the Governor of Mississippi, Haley Barbour, while he signed a Proclamation declaring this week Congenital Hearts Defects Awareness Week statewide. Thank you Governor Barbour, for continuing to help me make a difference in the lives of those still with us and those yet to come who suffer from CHD’s. I am forever grateful.

My Nelson, Happy Valentine’s Day pumpkin boy! Thank you for giving me the most glorious 366 days of my life. Days filled with love and laughter, joy and giggles and an infectious smile I will carry with me each and everyday. I love you and I celebrate your renewed life with a perfect heart!

Happy Congenital Heart Defects Awareness Day
February 14, 2007

Julie
Forever Nelson's Mommy

Hospital Information:

FOREVER IN HEAVEN!!!!!
Meeting his 2 grandpa's
Playing with Charles Mitchell Welton and Anna Grace Farmer
who all now have perfect hearts.

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