Friday, July 22, 2005 8:38 AM CDT

The long awaited update is here. Can it really be over a month since we've returned from Honduras? Honduras is still very fresh in my mind. However, since returning, life has been a rush of excitement around here as well. Summer has been in full gear as my boys are involved in summer league sports, church camp, and sports camps. Things have finally settled down here a bit and to add to our excitement level, Reid broke his foot and has to wear a cast for 6 weeks. Good thing for Reid, not much slows him down. He was even able to walk down the aisle as ring bearer of his cousin's wedding only a few days after the cast was on. Taylor's baseball team went to the playoffs and the final game ended up being Taylor's best overall game of pitching and hitting. They took 3rd place in the area wide league! We were sure a bunch of proud parents!

Amidst the sometimes busyness of life, God has been consistant to show me more of Himself. He is teaching me in a deeper way since Dan's passing that He is my deliverer, an ever present help in time of need. Honduras was no exception. In an effort to not write a book on all the ways I was challenged to grow while in Honduras, I will touch on a few memories from the trip and insights from my heart.

MEMORIES:

-Flying to New Orleans to stay overnight and having the thought that in less than 24 hours I will really be in another country. The heat of New Orleans in June was just a taste of the oppressive heat and humidity to soon hit us.

-Eating at the much famous "Sonic" restaurant, swimming in the outdoor hotel pool and jumping on the beds-we love this!

-The boys traveled well and with a good attitude - thanks for the prayers! The continuous re-checking of our luggage on the different legs of the trip made it tiring with two little boys, however, they did great.

-Flying from San Pedro Sula to La Ceiba was on the tiniest aircraft I had ever been on in my life. The seats appeared to be aluminum with a netting in the back to hold our luggage. The air conditioning was non-existant. This 30 minute flight left us dripping wet with sweat and enabled us to feel in a deeper level the new climate.

-We survived going through customs and only lost one piece of luggage which we were able to get the following day. It was a thankful moment to see my friend Kimberly's face as she drove up to get us; a familiar face in a not so familiar land!!

-We piled ourselves and our luggage onto the back of the truck and hung on as we drove through the city streets of La Ceiba. The storm clouds broke open and washed us with its rain. If you could have only seen Taylor and Reid's faces. The reality was that they were in "Boy Wonderland", riding in the back of a pick-up truck, getting drenched in the rain. Great, great memory!!!

-The campus we stayed at was tucked in the mountains in a village called Las Mangas. They were fortunate to have electricity and toilets. When we arrived, the storm had knocked out the power and we all sat around the table by candlelight. I even got my first drink of goat's milk. If you've never tasted it, it is actually very good!!!

-Our sleeping quarters were in a concrete room with large screen windows. Our pillows smelled moldy because of the humid heat and we slept on bunk beds. My mind got a tiny glimpse of the sacrafice involved to love and serve in a 3rd world country. Somehow I knew it was all worth it. But my mind questioned that thought only minutes after I had gone to bed. Without lighting, I was journaling by flashlight and noticed a huge spider crawling on the wall. Prayers began flowing out of my mouth for protection, already wondering if I was cut-out for missions, etc... Then the truth came to my mind as I started to fill with fear... "Why are you downcast , O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." It was then that I choose to put my hope in God in a deeper level.

-The following day while journaling I wrote of being grateful for simple things like: warm showers, getting errands done in one or two stops compared to walking the whole day in the city, air conditioners, deodarent, ice cold lemonade, and people who speak English.

-As the week went on I began to get more comfortable there. The heat was fierce, but my body adjusted (however, I never did adjust to a cold shower). We helped out in the kitchen preparing the meals with many hours of homemade cooking (loved that!). We had great meals, lots of rice and little red beans, much garlic, onions and vegetables, all to make it taste so very delicious. I remember thinking I could eat like this forever.

-We also helped varnish furniture for the new medical clinic that was being built and got to see the school in which some of the missionaries were teachers.

-I attempted to milk a goat. Not as easy as it appears, but interesting none the less!

-The missionaries help the native farmers and families by showing them ways to use animals to better their way of life, to farm the hilly landscape effectively and to enrich their soil in an attempt to provide a better yield for their crops and consequently for their families. While this is occuring, relationships continue to be built over years and it is an opportunity for the missionaries to show the love of Christ.

-The servant compassion in the hearts of the missionaries was inspiring to me. It challenged me to question my own compassion. I have always felt to be a compassionate person. However, when I am tired or if you take away the luxuries that I'm used to, am I overflowing with compassion? I was convicted of the necessity to love the Lord God with ALL my heart, soul, mind and strength; then and only then can I serve people for Jesus sake despite my hardships or discomforts. Compassion originates from God. When I am empty, it is only He who can fill me up to overflowing. What a privilege to serve with these missionaries even for only a week!!!

-I was able to leave a number of the Spanish versions of Dan's book, "A Place Called Surrender". I gave the missionaries some and the rest they will hand out to the Hondurans. Please pray that these make it into the hands as the Lord directs them.

-We were also able to enjoy an unbelievably beautiful natural swimming hole. In one sense it felt like paradise and yet there was hardship all around you. The boys enjoyed playing with the missionary family's children as well as my friend Kimberly's girls. They were also able to interact with the Honduran children by playing soccer together. The language barrier didn't seem to be a problem with the kids, they just played together.

-The day came for us to go home. We were told that getting to the airport an hour early would be sufficient, and I didn't question that; it was a tiny airport. Unfortunately things did not play out this way. When we arrived, we were told our flight was full. I explained that I had tickets, as my American mind did not comprehend how my seat could be filled when I had tickets in my hand. Needless to say, we were not getting on the plane. The Honduran airline would have been happy to place me on a flight the following day or I could purchase 3 more tickets on another airline to get us to San Pedro Sula that same day. Thankfully Kimberly came in with me and encouraged me to keep going forward towards San Pedro Sula to try to re-work the following flights after landing there. I was praying all the while. Prayer without ceasing takes on new meaning in my mind now. I ended up buying 3 more tickets and as I walked to my gate (about 10 steps away), my heart filled with unrest due to the unknown. I felt like crying but all the while encouraged the boys that all was going to be okay. Even so, a few tears slipped out as I knew I needed God to meet me in my time of need. I pulled out my devotional book and opened up to the verse for the day from Matthew 8:26. It read, "Why are you so fearful, you of little faith?" I paused as I felt the truth pierce my soul. As I went on to read, I was encouraged to remember that Jesus lets us get into the middle of the storms so we can know Him more fully. One of the quotes of the devotional stated, "We were made to know Him, and whether we like it or not, some of His characteristics can only be discovered in the deep, treacherous waters." This time tears flowed with thankfulness that He would use this situation to teach me more fully about Him. I began to trust Him more and wait with expectancy for what He would do as my deliverer.

-We did arrive back in Minneapolis, just a day later then scheduled. All the details worked out and God further deepened my experience of Him as my deliverer. However, it was so good to be home, I felt like kissing the ground!! :)

TRUTHS LEARNED:

What a PRIVILEGE to know that at the end of my rope, when I'm feeling helpless or scared that He has promised He will never leave me (Hebrews 13:5). I can ask for help and know that He longs to show Himself to me as my deliverer. He also tells me to be courageous as He has overcome the world (John 16:33). And lastly, I know in a deeper way that I am able to do all things through Him who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13)!

**Thank you so much for your prayers for our family! We were so blessed and encouraged many times to know you were uplifting us in prayer before the KING OF KINGS and LORD OF LORDS!**

Tammy

Pictures will be updated from the trip as soon as my scanner gets fixed :(

Thursday, May 26, 2005 9:04 AM CDT

Summer vacation has almost arrived at the Roelofs' house. Taylor and Reid clearly reminded me this morning that they only have 2 days of school left. ONLY 2 MORE DAYS???!!!! I can hardly believe it's that time of year already. They are excited and looking forward to a break and I like the idea of spending more time together as a family. One of our summer plans has us heading to a warmer climate as we are HONDURAS bound!!!!!

FAMILY MISSION TRIP

We are excited to go South of the border! Taylor, Reid and I are going on a family mission trip to Honduras, June 4th-11th. While there we will be working in the villages of La Ceiba, Las Mangas and La Muralla. Our work will consist of helping in the schools, helping in the medical clinic, as well as assisting in a Vacation Bible School program.

I pray this will be an incredible opportunity for the three of us to serve together. I am also hopeful that it will instill within Taylor and Reid an awareness of other cultures and develop within them a heart of compassion to pray for these children as they begin to see "others" through God's eyes.

The thought of going on a family mission trip was first sparked in my mind a couple years ago after Dan had passed away. I remember sitting in bed one morning and reading James 4:14. "What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." I was struck so deeply by this verse and the realization that "life is short" and we are only here for a brief moment of time.

The reality was that in "my new world," Dan was not coming back. His God-given time on earth was finished. I remember pleading with God to never let me forget the truth that I too, am only a mist that will vanish. I was struck by the reality that this world was not my final home and I did not want to go back to my previous mindset of getting too comfortable here.

In a significant way, going through this experience of losing someone as close and precious to me as Dan, brought clarity to my mind that each day is a special gift from God. The truth is that God, not only has numbered our days, but also has filled each one of them with tremendous purpose. It is as Ephesians 5:15-16a says, "Be very careful, then, how you live - not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity..."

It sure is easy to lose sight of these truths and get comfortable in this world. However, that morning I began to think in a clearer way as it seemed God was allowing me to grasp a visual picture of my life through this passage in James. I was reminded that we are like a mist that appears after a warm shower, soon to evaporate.

The questions I then began to ask myself were; "Was I truly seeing my life as a vapor? Do I live each day knowing that I am here for a short time? Do I make the choices each day to live the way God would have me to live? Do I ask God to orchestrate my day knowing He has a plan and purpose for me each and every day?"

These questions continue to fuel my desire to make my life count for Christ. Certainly it is true that I can live for Jesus wherever I am ......whether here in Elk River or in a 3rd world country. However, I am beginning to sense that God is giving me a growing passion and interest for world missions. This is one of the reasons for this upcoming trip to Honduras.

Whatever the outcome of this trip, I can be assured that God knows the plans He has for us. Plans to prosper us and not to harm us; plans to give us hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11) Realizing that I am only a mist gives me a sense of urgency to live all of this life for His glory. I am excited to see what God has in store for our family in the future!!!!!

RECENT MINISTRY OPPORTUNITIES

God had provided me with some recent opportunities to share my testimony to area Women Bible Study groups. Even as it has been difficult for me to share publically, I have been encouraged by God's faithfulness to give me strength to communicate my heart.

Another opportunity came on Easter Sunday at my home church in Maple Grove. God gave me the grace to share the reason for my "Hope" in this life and for the future, which is the resurrection of Christ. God continues to amaze me that in my utter weakness, His strength shines bright. I am very grateful that He can use something as difficult as Dan's passing away and turn it into blessing.

This is a reminder of God's faithfulness to me. Isaiah 61:3 says that God will "....bestow on us a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." God continues to be in the business of restoration. Praise God that we have hope because He lives!!!!!

MINISTRY DIRECTION NEWS

Earlier this year I joined the staff of "His Passion Ministries." Their mission is to communicate the truth that freedom in Jesus is God's will for the entire body of Christ as stated in John 8:32, "Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free."

"His Passion Ministries" was founded by my friend Dave Park who I met in the early 90's when Dan and I lived in Colorado. During those years we traveled with Dave and Neil Anderson while doing an internship with "Freedom in Christ Ministries."

It is a great blessing to join the "His Passion Minstry" staff and be able to testify to God's grace and faithfulness in the midst of life's storms. This is truly is a message of surrender. Imagine that God would take the message of surrender learned in Dan's sickness and passing and intertwine it with this new chapter of my life!

He is truly sovereign!!!!!

PRAYER REQUESTS

-We recently got immunized for our trip (ouch!) and are taking a prescription to protect us from the possibility of Malaria. These pills have some side affects and I would ask for prayers that the boys and I would be able to tolerate them.

-Safety in travel on the Honduras trip - the first day of travel we fly into New Orleans and stay overnight before heading to Honduras the next day. Please pray that we would make all our connections and that the boys would travel well.

-Physical protection from illness and disease

-Spiritual protection for our family prior to leaving for Honduras.
We had a few medical emergencies come up this week. Taylor tripped and got a deep gash on his eyelid. Then, his permanent tooth chipped again. Finally, he came down with pink eye yesterday.

So far so good with Reid. He lost one of his baby teeth this week and is perfectly fine knowing that his new teeth are coming in like buck teeth. He even points this out to people and smiles!!

-Continued spiritual protection for our family during the actual week of our missions trip.

-Wisdom for parenting pre-adolescense. I believe we are embarking on new ground. (smile)

-That we would learn all that God would wish to teach us through this experience in Honduras.


THANK YOU for continuing to love us and stand in the gap by praying for us!!! We surely have been blessed by you and greatly appreciate the body of Christ!


Because of Him,

Tammy


COMING SOON TO A WEBSITE NEAR YOU:
I will update this website mid-June when we get back from Honduras with new photo's and other family news.

Monday, March 21, 2005 10:39 AM CST

We had a memorable day yesterday reflecting on God's faithfulness to us. March 20 marks the date of Dan's birthday and his entrance into heaven already two years ago.

The day started with a good cry. I was reading some of Dan's letters he wrote me during our marriage and was flooded with love for him and a longing to be with him again. As painful as the cry was, there was a thread of blessing intertwined in it. As I mourned my loss, I also began to realize just how much God had blessed me through Dan. It was in His goodness to bring us together and fill us with an amazing love for each other. It was in His perfect plan to bless us with the gift of our boys, Taylor and Reid. It was in His sovereign plan to lead us to this place called surrender where we could find hope in Him regardless of our circumstances. Yesterday was our special day to celebrate the blessing of Dan in our lives.

After church, we went out to eat at Chipotle(one of Dan's favorite restaurants). During lunch we reminisced together. Reid remembered eating chocolate ice cream with dad and lifting weights together. He also said, "I remember Dad when we had a bomb fire :0) and Daddy walked me up the tree in the tree fort." Taylor said, "I remember having all the neighbors over and Dad would play baseball and dodgeball with us. Dad would make funny jokes." It did my heart good to hear them share how they remembered him.

Following this we went to North Memorial Hospital and visited the hospice wing. God even provided a special opportunity I had not planned on. As I was walking down the hallway, I came upon the room that Dan used to be in. To my surprise, it was empty with the bed make and clean. I went down to the nurses station and told them my story and asked if they cared if I would walk around the room a bit. They said it was fine, so back I went. Once again tears started to fill my eyes as I entered back two years earlier. Looking at the bed, I could still imagine Dan lying there. I remembered giving him footrubs and seeing him open his eyes to look at me. So many memories flooded back into my mind. I looked at the now empty heat register and remembered the flowers, plants and cards that once decorated it. My eyes were drawn to the window. It had the exact same view with a little dusting of snow just as I remembered it. It was almost as if time stood still. Across the room was the couch, where family and friends would come and sit and wait in expectation of God's bigger and glorious plan that was unfolding before us. We sat there countless hours praying and hoping. This was also the same room that filled with praise music as Lubben led us in a time of incredible worship. I remember feeling God's presence surrounding us like a thick fog. Completely enveloping us.

Upon leaving Dan's room, I was able to connect with the nursing staff and share my desire to provide them with Dan's books. One of the nurses said to me, I remember you and Dan. She shared her memories from our time there and mentioned she wanted to get a hold of one of Dan's books for her mother. God is so good!

Following this, we went to the cemetary and prayed together and wrote Dad a message in the dirt. We drew "We Love U" and the boys outlined the words with sticks. Praise God that death has been defeated and that we have hope beyond the grave!!!! I Corinthians 15:55-57 says, "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?.....But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."

As Easter soon approaches, join us in rejoicing that we serve a risen Savior!! As the old hymn goes...
because He lives, I can face tomarrow,
because he lives, all fear is gone,
because I know He hold the future,
and life is worth a living, just because He lives.

Thank you God for your unbelievable love!!!!

A grateful child,

Tammy

Wednesday, November 24, 2004 8:31 AM CST

Thanksgiving is a great time of year and a good reminder that I have many reasons to be thankful everyday.

I don't know if you're like me, but sometimes I start focusing on my circumstances and my thankful spirit gets squelched. I start losing perspective. The greatness of my problem is not the issue. The problem is inward focus. Instead of focusing on how God wants to use these situations in my life, I get sidetracked into thinking how this makes me feel, what I wish could be different, and how I'd like to rid myself of this situation. The human part of Tammy does not like to be stretched, be in pain, or be uncomfortable. Yet, it is in these circumstances where He is teaching me to depend on Him more deeply. He is teaching me to walk by faith and not by sight.

Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." At times I am tempted to run, however, His truth encourages me to keep trusting Him. The beautiful thing about scripture, is that God reveals Himself through the Word. He somehow fills me with hope and my focus shifts back to Him. The result is peace. Sometimes, I forget He is in the business of restoration and pursues to bless His children. Psalms 72 says, "Though you have made me see troubles....you will restore my life again." I plan to have a story someday of how God has restored my life. He already has given me plenty to be thankful for. He is my Savior and He promises to be faithful to the end. I look with anticipation to the next chapter of life. I have a feeling it is going to be exciting!!!!!!

What we are thankful for:

Reid (6 years old): "God, because He made us. Everybody." I asked, who's everybody? He said, "Well, you know everybody: Mom, Dad, my brother, and my friends and that's it."

Taylor (9 years old): "My bike because I like it and can do a 360 and no hands. Mom and Reid and all my family and friends. How I can wiggle my ears. I'm thankful for baseball and basketball, but my favorite is baseball. My toys and my house. I'm thankful for God, Jesus and that's pretty much all."

Tammy (? years old): Family and friends who have made this journey much easier!!! Thanks to all who have invested in Taylor and Reid's life by playing with them, coming to their baseball and basketball games, wrestling with them, having sleepover's etc.... I cannot tell you how much this touches my heart to know that God is taking good care of these boys through YOU!!!!! Thank you!!!!!

Those who have come to serve us in many ways from carpet cleaning to trimming trees to fixing things around the house. I never knew how great it was to be part of the body of Christ!!!

Those who continue to support and pray for us. To think that God cares this much is beyond my comprehension. Thank you for standing in the gap for us and for continuing to trust God with us!!!

For knowing when my faith is weak, that He is still faithful and unwavering in His commitment to us!!!

Can I be thankful that our family pet died? Well, I am! One less rodent in the world sounds like a good thing to me. "Whiskers," our hamster died at the early age of 3+ months. I trust he had a good full life! We are in the process of looking for another family pet. We are accepting emails for any idea's??? Stay tuned!!

Have a blessed and Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

Tammy

Thursday, October 7, 2004 8:54 AM CDT

It is my favorite time of year, Fall!!! The Minnesota air is crisp and God has created such beauty all around us in the colorful leaves. This update has been long in coming, but it is finally here :0)

Taylor and Reid had a big change this school year. They previously were attending a private school and this fall we decided to try a new charter school in Rogers, MN. The transition for Taylor was harder as he is older, but prayer and time are helping not only them, but me as well. I continue to be reminded that they are God's boys and He is with them. The Lord our God is the faithful God. He is unwavering in His commitment to them. It's amazing the strong love you have for your children... you hurt when they hurt, you cry when they cry, you wish you could carry ALL their burdens. My love for my boys reminds me of how deep God's love is for us... the depths of that love that led Him to sacrafice His only son, Jesus... for us!! To think that God loves my boys to this degree is more than I can comprehend, but provides rest in knowing that Taylor and Reid are in His hands. If you think to pray for Taylor and Reid in this transition, I would welcome your prayers:

- to bring godly school friends into their lives (already seeing this for Reid)
- for godly role models
- that they wouldn't compromise their walk with God to gain acceptance
- that I would daily surrender them into God's hands

We had a birthday in September. Taylor turned 9 years old. He is growing not only taller, but wiser. His spiritual insight and sensitivity are beyond his years. One example of his sensitivity is when he had saved $15 and decided to spend it on new PJ's for pajama day at school. He later decided he would rather send it to a friend who was battling cancer at the time. The card he wrote said, "Ivan, I know you could use this money for your cancer. Hope you are feeling better! I hope $15 dollars will help you! Your friend, Taylor" It is in moments like this, that you sense God's fingerprints in their hearts and lives.

My desire is to live out what Deuteronomy 6 talks about when it says, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you drive in the car (my paraphase), when you lie down and when you get up." I desparately need God's help as I'm not able to do this on my own. Would you pray that God would give me wisdom in the training of Taylor and Reid and that I would strive to authentically live out what it means to love God with ALL my heart.

Thank you for the prayers concerning a job for this fall. My heart has always been at home with my family. I never had a desire to work outside the home, but considered this as both boys are now in school full time. In looking at my passions and desires, I felt I couldn't think of a better place to work then the boys school. To make a long story short, I decided to volunteer in the classrooms instead of getting a paid position. I am doing something I am excited about and it frees me up to pursue some personal passions. The kids have homework everyday and soon their basketball season will start up. Taylor and Reid will also get the opportunity to be ball boys for some of the Northwestern College football and basketball games. They are extremely excited about this! We sure do not live a boring life.

Thank you for all your prayers, love and friendship. I'm glad we didn't have to walk this road without the body of Christ to walk beside us. I know we will forever remember Dan! He was truly a gift to me and a daddy who could make any kid proud to have. Most importantly, Dan was a man who was passionate about God and left fingerprints on many of us. I am reminded of Dan in this poem, "Only one life 'twill soon be passed, only what's done for Christ will last." These are the kind of fingerprints that will last forever. Thank you God, for blessing us with your humble servant, Dan Roelofs. He fuels my fire to want to know You more intimately and experience a fullness in You like never before. I trust Your plan for my life and surrender it all to You once again. You are worthy!

In His Grace,

Tammy


Guess what? We have a new member of our family. His name is "Whiskers." He is sooo cute, I guess as far as rodents are concerned. Whiskers is a dwarf hamster who now resides in our house. Have you ever tryed to get a hamster out from behind a washer and dryer? It is not an easy thing to do. I don't know how this works, but when you call it a hamster, you can touch it. If you were to call it a mouse, I'd be standing on a chair screaming. The things you do for your kids!!!

We will update the website soon with new family pictures. Thank you Brian for taking our fall photos!!

Sunday, July 11, 2004 2:32 PM CDT

Once again, summer is a flurry of activity around the Roelofs' house. Taylor has been involved in Little League since May and this week is the baseball playoffs. We have been extremely blessed to have friends from church help me cheer Taylor on. One in particular, has come to almost every practice and game. It has been especially nice for Taylor to have someone else to practice hitting with that isn't afraid of getting hit with the baseball like mom!!! I'll have to overcome this fear as it appears this is one of his favorite sports. (Either that or get padding and a helmet!) Reid is in T-ball and thinks T-ball is now for babies after watching his big brother play "real baseball." This summer, they both passed their level of swimming lessons and also did a basketball camp. We went to Valleyfair over the 4th and are looking forward to camping up north with family in July.

The boys are doing very well. They bring up Dan occasionally in conversation, and either reflect on a memory of him or ask a question about him. Like this past weekend, I was vacationing with my sister's family and Reid asked her husband, if Dan was just as tall as he was. There minds are processing many thoughts about Dan and I'm grateful they continue to talk so openly.

I continue to be a mom. God has blessed me with Taylor and Reid and this is what I know right now. I continue to trust that God is good and faithful and that he has the best plan for us. My hope is not in this situation, my hope is in God's ability to use us for his glory. When my mind thinks on this, our future excites me. However, I am not always seeing things from this perspective every day. Often times, I struggle in the here and now, wondering why this had to happen. Why did God choose to call Dan home even though we all faithfully prayed for a miracle? Why do Taylor and Reid have to go on without their awesome dad? Why am I left to carry on without my best friend? It's hard to understand that God can use this for good when I'm seeing things from my perspective. The good news is that truth has a way of changing the course of my thoughts. God will never leave us or forsake us; God proved his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us; God is full of compassion and mercy; His love is unfailing; He is our protector; He will be a father to the fatherless; His thoughts are not our thoughts, neither are His ways, my way, His ways are higher than my thoughts ............. I will rest in these truths!!
In "Growing Deep in the Christian Life," Chuck Swindoll says, "I wait for the truth of Your Word to come to pass, Lord. I wait for help to return. I wait for the promises to become a reality. I wait for the wisdom to take shape and to make sense in my life."

I too wait and look to you Lord, Jesus!!

Thank you for standing beside us and faithfully upholding us in prayer!!!

Trustin' Him,
Tammy


Prayer Requests:
-My freedom is in my daily surrender. Pray that I would saturate my mind in truth and continue to rest in Him.

-Pray that I would be content in God's timing and plan for our lives.

-For God's leading in part-time work this fall.


Praises:
-Safe and memorable trip to Chicago in May!! It was an honor to accept Dan's Master's degree at Moody Bible Institute.

***I will update the photo page with some summer fun very soon***

Friday, May 7, 2004 12:47 AM CDT

I have some great news! This past Sunday, as Taylor, Reid and I were traveling in the car, we were listening to Franklin Graham on the radio. He was talking about people who are spiritually dead. I looked in my rear view mirror and noticed both Taylor and Reid were listening. I explained to them what Mr. Graham was talking about and went on to explain what that meant. Reid said to me, "But mom, I didn't ask Jesus to come into my life yet." We talked more and he expressed that he wanted to say a prayer with me and ask Jesus to come into his heart. So we did it, right there in the car!!! I then explained to him that the angels in heaven were having a party just for him, because his name was now written in the Lamb's Book of Life. He thought that was so great, just for him!! Later on that same day, he told me that he asked Jesus to come into his life 3 more times that day!!! Maybe he thought there would be 3 more parties going on??? God in His sovereign plan did a work of salvation in Reid's life on May 2nd, 2004. Praise God!!! With Dan, Taylor also asked Jesus into his life on May 7th, 2001. So it is with great excitement that we are going to celebrate their spiritual birthdays this Mother's Day weekend to remember all that God has done for us. Would you please remember us in prayer as we celebrate His goodness.

In reflecting on this past year, it has been so good for me to see what God has done in my life. There has been many low valleys as well as high mountains. But it has been through these low valleys that God has drawn me to His heart. In Isaiah 53, it describes Jesus as a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Jesus fully understands my pain and suffering and in the midst of it, I can bring my pain to Him because He understands. But it doesn't end there. It goes on to say in Isaiah that, "the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him." Not only did Christ die for us to save us, but He died to give us peace in the midst of our broken dreams. My life was great!!! I had a fantastic husband, two wonderful little boys, and we were in ministry working together......it really couldn't have gotten any better for me. But then life as I knew it fell apart. When this happened, I had the opportunity to need God in a way that I had never experienced before. I found that my strength did not come from within myself. Humanly, I suppose it may be possible to make good of a terrible situation. For me, God called me to trust Him in the depths of my darkness. It is in these depths where life seems most terrifing. I found my strength in the truth of what God said He would do for me. In Psalm 68, He says He will be a father to the fatherless, a defender of widows. In Jeremiah 29, God says that He knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. In 2 Corinthians 12, He promises that HIS grace is sufficient for me, and that His power is made perfect in my weakness. I do not have to be strong, because when I am weak, I am strong in Him. In Romans 8, God says that in all things, He works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. In Jeremiah 31, it shows the heart of God, in that He has drawn me with His loving kindness. I am being pursued by my loving Heavenly Father. Not pursued to hurt or punish, but to bless me, and to give me great hope!! So in the midst of my broken dreams, I am learning that it is His truth that frees me from fear. It is His truth that gives me the grace to trust Him a day at a time. It is His truth that makes it possible to die to my dreams and start living God's plan for my life and the lives of my boys. It is only in this surrender that I have been able to find peace. And to top it all off, He wraps us in His grace that is custom-made for Tammy, Taylor and Reid. He says, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives." Praise God, we do not walk this path alone!!!! As my awesome husband once said, "We are assured of His love, and know that our only rest is in surrender. God is asking us to lay down everything that we would cling to in order that we can embrace Him, even if that means my life. In the end we will know Him more intimately, trust Him absolutely, and obey Him more faithfully. His love truly is better than life!" I couldn't have said it any better than that, Dan!

I am going to be traveling to Chicago for the graduation at Moody Bible Institute on the 14th and 15th of May. The college would like to honor Dan with his diploma. It is with great honor that I get to accept this for him. Dan's parents and my boys will also make the trip with us. Please pray for our safety in travel. Dan's best friend, Ross Robinson, will also be graduating as well. We are looking forward to this time of reconnecting with the Robinsons and also meeting some of the faculty and staff at Moody Bible Institute. Dan talked so highly of them!!!

For those of you who are new to this website, and would be interested in following Dan's story, you can click on the link "Read Journal History." That will allow you to go back and read Dan's testimony as he journeyed toward this place, A Place Called Surrender.

Trusting in His goodness,
Tammy

Friday, March 19, 2004 3:47 PM CST

Yesterday as I was re-living every hour of the same Thursday a year ago, God overwhelmed me with His peace and joy. He drew my thoughts to heaven in a powerfully real way, and I could imagine that the year without Dan that has been so long for me has only been a blink for him. I could imagine that he is barely inside the gate yet. In a place where there is no concept of time, I can imagine that the welcome party is still going strong and that he is captivated with the love of the Lord that is better than life. I can only imagine.

Tomorrow I am going to celebrate Dan's birthday by eating pizza. That is one tradition that will never change. And I'm also going to celebrate the deep faithfulness of God in my life, which I have experienced more in the last twelve months that I ever dreamed imagineable.

Wherever you may be, I invite you to join me in the celebration!
Ross

Tuesday, March 2, 2004 1:47 PM CST

"A Place Called Surrender - The Complete Edition" is now available to order!!! Thanks to all of you who have been so patient with us. This book compiles Dan's original book along with six additional chapters, an epilogue and a tribute. In these new chapters, Dan continues to share his journey during his last six months of life here on earth. As only Dan could, he even shares a clear presentation of the gospel of Christ. It is my prayer that God would continue to bring forth His harvest through Dan's life and book!!!

Romans 8:28
"We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."

Trusting in God's goodness,
Tammy

Thursday, February 12, 2004 10:54 PM CST

Good News!!! We received word that "A Place Called Surrender - The Complete Edition" will be shipped out on the 19th of February. We will keep you posted on this website when they become available. Thank you for being so patient!
I am grateful to all who helped celebrate my birthday yesterday through phone calls, emails, cards, strawberry desserts (yum!!!), gifts, flowers and more strawberry desserts!!! God filled my day with good friends and reminders of His love for me through many of you. My friend Jane even planned a surprise party last night. I felt so blessed to be surrounded by friends who continue to care and support me in so many ways. What a blessing to be part of the body of Christ!!! I believe as I talk to many of you, this grieving process is hard for all of us. There is just something missing in each of our lives, by not having Dan here. We all want him back. We are the ones left behind to try to understand and to continue on. While we may never fully understand, I believe it is possible to continue on with God's help and grace. My heart has been encouraged many times from a song that has become my favorite. I'd tell you the title, but I don't know it, so I'm going to guess it is called "You Shine." It talks about how God shines brighter than the brightest star. His love is purer than the purest heart, He shines filling us with courage and strength to follow Him. It ends by saying that in this world we will have trouble, and the kicker, (that's my word) is that He has overcome the world!!!!!!! That is sooo exciting to me. This is what also helps me to continue on. At times it is terribly painful to live this life, but He has overcome it and I believe the best is still yet to come!!!! All that to say, this is hard but I am so glad that there is hope in Christ!

I thought I would update you all on some of our latest happenings around here since I haven't written in a while.

I have learned how to snow blow my driveway. Funny that we get so much more snow THIS winter!!! At least the boys love snow. We have a sledding hill and ice skating rink close by, so we have done that quite a bit this winter. One morning I surprised the boys by getting them up early and going sledding before school. Unfortunately, I hadn't checked the weather and it was -15 windchill. What was I thinking??? It was still fun until Reid started losing feeling in his fingers. So next time I think I'll watch the news first before attempting that again.

I am currently attending a Grief Support Group at a local hospital and that has been helpful to understand that many of my feelings and emotions this past year are all quite expected.

Taylor had his first piano recital in January and he did such a great job! He has only been taking lessons for about a month and a half so far, and really enjoys it.

Reid is learning the books of the Bible in the New and Old Testament. He has almost memorized all of them. It has been helpful for me to teach him these as it is refreshing my memory as well.

I would covet your prayers during this weekend with Valentine's Day. Also, please continue to uphold the boys. That God would bring men into their lives at the right time and that they would desire truth, purity and godliness. Also, that God would continue to protect our relationship. Thank you for loving us and praying for us!!!

Trusting in God's plan together,
Tammy

Thursday, January 22, 2004 8:02 AM CST

God gave me a great weekend with Taylor and Reid. We laughed and played and talked and prayed--so many good memories. (You should have seen us re-enacting the battle scene from Genesis 14 with all of their action figures. Ninja Turtles became the kings from the North. Abraham and Lot were played by GI Joes. We had a blast--and hopefully learned a little something about the power and faithfulness of God.) And my fear that the boys may not be immediately comfortable with me was crazy. I had been there no time when Reid crawled right in my lap and said, "Okay, Mom, you can leave now." That has never happened before! It's just a strong testimony to the goodness of God and the effectiveness of His people's prayers. I can't wait til the next time we get to hang out. It looks like that may be as soon as Spring break.

God has also brought several of us through the difficult project of finalizing Dan's book. The printer's draft has been through the major edit, and as soon as we see their final draft, the printing will happen. Thanks for your patience and your continued interest in these books. Anytime you feel frustrated that we don't have the books yet . . . let that be a springboard to pray that this project will move forward, not just on a physical level, but also in spiritual power. No doubt there is opposition to this project that we can't see with our eyes--especially since The Complete Edition contains a clear presentation of the good news of the gospel.

I'll close by sharing our family's theme for 2004. It comes from Romans 12:9-11. We have reminders of it all over our house--because we need it and because we want it. I also took signs with these words to Taylor and Reid. Maybe God will capture your heart with this theme as well--

"Hate what is evil. Hold on to what is good. Love each other deeply. Honor others more than yourselves. Never let the fire in your heart go out. Keep it alive. Serve the Lord."

Ross

Wednesday, December 24, 2003 11:08 AM CST

School is out for the kids, and I also have a few days off work. We’re all home together and I’m in the middle of doing some of the things we do every Christmas season . . . addressing a gazillion Christmas cards . . . creating original gingerbread houses. . . delivering a bulging basket of presents to a single mom . . . descending on the local Dollar Store for each of the kids to buy gifts for their brothers and sister. And since we’re all six at home together every day, I find myself doing some things that don’t seem so Christmas-y at all . . . breaking up arguments . . . helping fold laundry . . . playing street hockey . . . breaking up arguments . . . chopping wood . . . changing lightbulbs . . . breaking up arguments . . .

Our family had hours of endless harmony and joy yesterday afternoon, only to find ourselves in the middle of yet another childhood disagreement as we were leaving to “enjoy” a drive-through nativity. Janiece looked at me and said, “Will it ever be any different?” I smiled and said, “Sure it will. When the boys are grown. They’ll come home to hug on us and tell us how wonderful we are, and then they’ll go back to their own houses to break up arguments between their kids!”

More than ever I have been amazed this Christmas that this world we live in is the same real world that God stepped into. He didn’t come as a 33-year-old man and give His life the next week for our sins. He didn’t come as a 30-year-old and have a wonderful public ministry of teaching and healing for a few years before laying down His life. Part of Jesus’ obedience to the Father’s plan was to submit to all the stuff of a normal life.

God—crying because He is wet and needs to be changed. God—learning to walk. God—spitting out food He doesn’t like. God—getting kicked in the shins as He plays ball in the street. God—surrounded by arguing brothers and sisters. God—feeling His cheeks burn with embarrassment. God—cutting Himself as He shaves. God—crying because . . .

That’s why we call Him Emmanuel. GOD WITH US. He has walked in our sandals. He has experienced our struggles. He knows our pain.

He became like us, not just so He could relate to us, but so He could save us. So He could offer us something so much deeper and more fulfilling and longer lasting than anything we can imagine. He came to forgive us from our sins, to free us from our despair, and to overwhelm us with joy in Himself.

That’s what Christmas in all about. Not lights and presents. Not family and food and “Walking in A Winter Wonderland.” Not memories. Not candy canes. Not mistletoe.

Christmas is all about hope. GOD WITH US. God with us back then as He came as a helpless baby. God with us now as He pursues us daily with His love. And yes, God with us forever as He provides us unimaginable future experiences of joy in Himself. That’s a reason to celebrate!

Trust this week finds you free and focused to do just that--
Ross


P.S. The Complete Edition of Dan's book "A Place Called Surrender" is at the printer and it should be available for $10 a copy before the end of January!

Also, I'll be spending the first weekend of the New Year with Taylor and Reid. You can pray for God to give us an extra-special time together. Thanks!
I'm trusting that He knows just what our days together need to be.

Thursday, November 27, 2003 2:39 PM CST

Happy Thanksgiving!

T: Thanks - I will choose to be thankful. "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." I Thessalonians 5:18

H: Heaven - A place that has become much sweeter to me this past year. I often find myself thinking about Dan and what heaven must be like. I miss him so much but hold fast to the truth that God still has a plan for us and it is for our good.

A: Awesome Provider - Have we had the great opportunity to watch God be our provider this past year! Many of you gave generously to help Dan undergo treatment in Mexico, and presently, are providing gifts for the support of our family. How can we thank you for such kindness? It is like a big hug from God!

N: Neighborhood Support - I am blessed to be part of my cul-de-sac in Elk River. My neighbors have always been willing to help me, and my neighbor, Jerry, has mowed my lawn all summer! It is a blessing to live in community with these families and to watch all the fun our kids have together. This is truly a gift from the Lord!

K: Kindergarten - Reid is in kindergarten. My little baby is not a baby anymore! He goes 2-3 days a week, and I am grateful to stay with him on the days he is home. He is a quick-witted and spontaneous kid with lots of energy. Reid likes to read "Brain Quests" for hours at a time. When asked his favorite thing to do in school, he replied, "Recess." He is attending Awana at Maple Grove and is learning more about God and His Word. Reid loves chocolate, playing gameboy, playing with Lego's and with his friends. He is not short on facial expressions and has a contagious little giggle. Reid has a sparkle in his eye and a love for life. He is a delight!

S: Second Grade - Taylor is in second grade already. He is reading books with his favorites being non-fiction. Taylor loves riding bike, building creations from Lego's, and he continues to love baseball. When asked his favorite thing to do in school, he replied, "Recess and lunch." He has found that he likes science class and is intrigued by the experiments. Taylor went to his 1st summer camp ever and absolutely loved it! His love language is definitely communication. He likes to share what he is learning and finds great joy in this. He is also a deep thinker. An example of this is when he wanted to know why people in the Bible would marry so often. Taylor is eager to please, fun to talk to, and is very considerate of other people's feelings.

G: Grief - Grief work is exhausting. The times I expect to be most difficult end up being okay. At other times I can't stop crying. My mind tries to understand God's ways and I can't. Isaiah 55:8-9 says, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." I may never understand God's plan or see things from His perspective, but I can choose to believe His Word that all things work for the good of those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose.

I: "I Can Only Imagine" - The song sung by Dave Lubben at Dan's funeral. It will forever be etched in my mind!

V: Vacations - We had a summer of activity! We visited the Robinson family in South Carolina. We had a great time introducing our kids to each other! The only thing we haven't figured out is how to make Minnesota and South Carolina closer in distance. We are grateful whenever we get to cross paths. We also went to Wisconsin Dells with my sister's family. What a great memory! The kids had so much fun, they want to do it again every summer. We were able to spend good time with Grandma's and Grandpa's. This is always a trip worth taking! We once again went up North with the Roelofs family. This has been a tradition ever since I was introduced to the family. It was a difficult time missing Dan, but good in the same sense that we could be together. It was a summer to remember!

I: Incredible family and friends - Going through this time, I feel blessed to be able to have family and friends that care so deeply for us. Thank you for never letting us feel like we have to walk this road alone. Your prayers have been the wind beneath our wings probably more than we even realize. We truly have been blessed by your love.

N: Never ending story of surrender - I am learning that this message of surrender is ongoing. Its truth not only helped us during the sickness and death of Dan, but continues to wrap us in peace. I am learning that surrender is the only way to live because it really works!

G: God's grace - I thought I knew what grace was all about until I felt it custom-made for me. I can testify to the truth that His grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in my weakness. For Christ's sake, we can delight in whatever our hardships may be, because when we are weak, we are strong! 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Nothing can change the fact that, "Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future or any powers, neither height nor depth nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39 That is reason for a Happy Thanksgiving!

Tammy

Dan's complete edition book will be going to print the first week in December. We will update the website when it becomes available. Thank you for your prayers!!

Thursday, October 30, 2003 11:16 AM CST

I am in the midst of grief and I don't even know fully what that means for me. I feel as if I wonder if I will ever be whole again. I am entering an incredibly hard time as my heart is so sore. I wake up to start my day and staring in my face is this unfair reality that Dan will never hold me in his arms again, nor will I ever hear him say to me, "I love you, Tam!" So I now ask God why is this the way it has to be. We had such a rich relationship and it was cut short, way too short! So I try to understand and attempt to put my mind on why God may have allowed this to take place, and I can't really see why. All my questions are not being answered. I feel like it is a cycle of trying to understand and it always brings me back to I don't know your ways God. The rest that comes to me is like that song that says, "When you can't trace his hand, trust his heart." But many times, my thoughts wrestle with this seeming unfair to me and the boys.
I just don't understand, but I am willing to receive from you, Lord. Will you take my broken heart and do a work in my life that can only be traced to your loving hand. This whole grief process is so painful, yet I know I want to walk through it. I want to be on the other side, but for now I am in the valley. So I will look to your Word to guide me. It still is the only place I can find peace.

Isaiah 61-1-3
...he has sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisioners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

I feel many times like a burnt ash-so I will trust you God for a crown of beauty, the oil of gladness, and a garment of praise. That kind of a transformation can only be possible through you! I trust You!

Your child,
Tammy

If you could, please pray for the new edition of Dan's book coming out. I am writing the Tribute and it all seems so hard. I want to honor Dan's life, yet words fail me. I am having a day set aside on Nov. 10 to work on this if it has not come together by that time. I trust it will all come together in God's timing. Thank you for your continued prayers!

Thursday, October 9, 2003 12:57 AM CDT

Dave Lubben called me this week. When I asked how he was doing, he started telling me about his recent mission trip to Estonia, and then he stopped mid-sentence and said, “I miss Dan.” “I miss Dan too,” was my immediate reply. Our honesty about the “hole” in our lives eventually led us to the place of prayer where, in the end, we were praising God together for the promises we have in Christ. Dan is already there, but the future God has assured each of us is just as real and we walk in the reality of that hope today. Yes, we desire a better country—a heavenly one. And God is not ashamed to be called our God, for He has prepared a city for us. (Heb. 11:16)

Present pain cannot drown the promise of future victory. The enemy is vicious, but he is without hope, and that is something those of us who know Christ can never be. Even though we may look poor and helpless and needy, we are rich and full and satisfied. Amen?

Ross

P.S. If you haven’t yet picked up a copy of Lubben’s CD, A Place Called Surrender, it is available at Christian bookstores—and it is great! Dan was present the night of its recording (back in March) and the CD is dedicated to him. In fact, you will hear Dan read scripture during the song “Lay It Down.”

Also, pray with us and watch for details about "The Complete Edition" of Dan's book within the next few weeks.

Monday, September 8, 2003 4:42 PM CDT

I feel honored to call you all my web friends and intercessors!! Who would have guessed that the web would be used in such a marvelous way. I sit here with a smile on my face just pondering this very thing. I have often thought this past month if I should update the website when everything is still so much the same as my last entry. So it has taken a while, but I am still alive and here. I did want to respond to those who were wondering about the timing of Dan's book coming out in the complete edition. It is in the process, so we will let you know as soon as we hear anything.
We survived our summer!!! I think we packed 3 summers into one. I am extremely blessed to have my boys and we had a memorable time together this summer. Now we welcome another good start to school. Reid is in Kindergarten and goes all day on Thursday and Friday and every other Wednesday. He had a little struggle going the first day, but when his teacher saw him and talked to him, he warmed up to the whole idea of Kindergarten quite quickly. He has an amazing teacher and is quite blessed to recieve teaching from her. Taylor adjusted just fine and he is in 2nd grade already. He also has a great teacher and likes school with his favorites being lunch and recess!! He has probably grown 2 inches and got a new haircut this summer. Now, he looks alot like Dan to me. It feels great to see him in his little big guy!!!
I can't help but feel so extremely blessed by God to have had these years with Dan. What I was able to experience will last me for a lifetime. I wish I could have treasured it for what it was when I had it, though. But what a gift!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I often feel that I would have liked more time with Dan!! I know I don't deserve it, but it was just too sweet!! One thing I do know is that I am forever changed because of this whole journey God has taken us on. I yield myself to you God, what you have for me is better than I could ever want for myself. Use us for your glory!! Keep my eyes open to what you are doing. I want this life to count for YOU!! It was Dan's desire for our family to love you with everything in us. It is happening not in the way I would have wanted it to, but happening according to Your perfect will.
Dan wrote in his personal journal on December 10, 2002:
".......teach me how to pray for my family Lord. I so want my wife and children to love you with everything in them. Show me how to fight for them. I pray that you would be the center of all our affections. We need you Lord. Our family is empty and lifeless apart from you. Bless us with your presence."

Today I also received a card from some dear friends. It read:
"As your Shepherd, the Lord is always watching... always keeping... always providing... always defending... never forsaking. You are never forgotten... always loved!
When there are no easy answers... When you are facing something you thought you would never have to face... When you wonder how you will ever pick up all the broken pieces... God is there for you!!
HE WILL BRING YOU THROUGH - NOT SOMEHOW, BUT TRIUMPHANTLY!!!"

We are in the middle of God's sovereign plan for our lives. I can find comfort in this truth. He really is there for us!! When I need encouragement, He sends it through people or cards or phone calls or emails. When I need grace, He gives it and it is sufficient for me. And His power is made perfect in my weakness. When I feel like my hope is darkening, He fills me with joy and peace as I trust in Him and His Word. I have been blessed by His love!!!!

Tammy

Thank you Dan, for praying for our hearts. You always knew that the best place to be was in His presence. It was and now is your life. Someday I will join you and countless others in praising our God. You've made Him look so good to me. Love you always!!!!

Tuesday, July 29, 2003 3:42 PM CDT

I just want to say thank you for walking with me through this journey!!! I just am often times moved to tears as I am reminded of your praying me through my pain and tears. Thank you for taking the time to bless me and the boys by your mighty prayers to our even mightier God!

I have been reading the "Purpose Driven Life," by Rick Warren, and it is helping me to understand that life is hard, but this life is just the dress rehearsal before the real thing. He writes, "We're not completely happy here because we're not supposed to be! In order to keep us from becoming too attached to earth, God allows us to feel a significant amount of discontent and dissatisfaction in life-longings that will never be fulfilled on this side of eternity. Earth is not our final home; we were created for something much better." This something better is what Dan is experiencing right now. I can only imagine what that will be like. Someday we too will know.
Reading this book helps me to understand my purpose for this life and God seems to be doing a work in my heart. It is as if He is planting within me seeds of hope. He loves me enough to shape me into something I'm trusting to be beautiful. But for now, God continues to give grace to travel this journey in His strength and power.

We just got back from a vacation with the Roelofs family this past week. It was good to be together, and in a very real sense hard for many. Dan looked forward to each year so much!! He would have gotten right in with the water balloon fight, the early morning fishing with Uncle John, the basketball games, and helping the boys catch crawdaddies. Grandma Roelofs even got into the action and helped the boys cut them up for bait. The things she does for her grandchildren :0) God is faithful and it is evident in this family of which I consider it a privelege to be a part of.


A few prayer requests:
-Ross, Janiece and family will be flying in on August 6-10th. Please pray for safety in travel and for our time together.

-I would also appreciate your prayers for Aug. 7th as this would have been Dan's and my 10th year anniversary.

-Wisdom and patience in raising Taylor and Reid.

Thank you so much!!


Trusting Him,
Tammy

Friday, July 18, 2003 2:49 PM CDT

God is more awesome than I can possibly describe. He ordered every step of our mission in Albania, and your partnership in prayer was obvious.

When communism fell in 1990 there were no known Christians in Albania. There was no underground church like in Russia or Romania, because during the 500 years preceding communism, Albania was under Turkish control. Islam was the predominant religion. Then during the years of communism, the dictator declared Albania an atheist state—and had all the mosques and any remaining churches burned.

Thirteen years ago . . . no known Christians. Today . . . the church of Jesus Christ is alive and well—and growing every day! God is amazing!

Lubben and I went with an evangelistic team that held a number of smaller events targeting specific groups—teachers, dignitaries, police, etc. You can see a picture from the children’s event (and a couple of other pictures) under PHOTO ALBUM. People were genuinely coming to faith at every event and Albanian Christians were there to establish relationships with them and get information that will allow them to follow up with these converts. One event was for shop owners and just before it started, I asked an Albanian lady to come with me down the street to invite a shop owner from whom I had just purchased a souvenir. She came and through her translation I said, “You were very helpful to me and I would like to invite you to come for a free meal—right now! My friend from America will be singing. I think you will really enjoy it.” She said she would love to come and locked up her shop at 1:00 in the afternoon! As we stepped out onto the street I said, “If you have any friends nearby who would like to come, please invite them as well.” She stepped next door and invited a lady running a restaurant. That lady said, “I cook for people all the time. Any chance I get for a meal that someone else is cooking, I’m going!” She locked up her restaurant and off we went. Two hours later, that restaurant owner had trusted Christ as Savior! I was able to connect her with an Albanian pastor’s wife who talked with her for a long time. When I said goodbye she was very excited about attending church the next Sunday.

God did so many things like that. I could tell stories for pages. I continue to praise Him for how He is extending His love to these people who for so long were without the light of God’s truth.

Lubben wrote an incredible song while we were there. One phrase says, “We don’t belong here. You are our hope and our home . . .” Being in a place where life is hard in so many ways is a wonderful reminder of the reality that our citizenship is not on this earth. Our hope is not for a better life here. Our promise and our secure future is that one day we will get to be where Dan is—with Jesus.

I did enjoy giving out some copies of Dan’s book. One pastor came to me the day after I gave him the book and said he read the whole thing in one sitting. “I just couldn’t keep the tears from streaming down my face,” he said. He wanted another copy for a friend of his. No surprise that Dan’s faith continues to reach into the hearts of people all around the world, including my own.

The priority is the same, whether in Albania or right here in the comfortable USA—it’s a life of intimacy with our God, our Savior. It’s a life of joyous surrender.

Ross

Saturday, July 5, 2003 9:37 PM CDT

I'm not sure if anyone is reading this anymore, but I thought I'd add a little update for those who may still visit the website occasionally. For those who are still praying for us, thank you so much!!!
We have not been home much this summer, as we have had good time spent with family and friends. We went to Greenville to visit the Robinson's, to Wisconsin Dells with my sister and their family, to Dan's parents for a week in Iowa, and to my family here in MN. We have built great memories together and we are so thankful for them.
It has been over 3 months now since Dan has left "these shadows," and we miss him more and more every day. We have gone through a few holidays, and a wedding now without Dan and his presence is still sooooo missed. I'm just not quite sure I can ever embrace this path I'm on. So much inside me is still trying to figure out how this can be good when it hurts so bad. I don't know when the hurt will go away, but I have to keep trusting God, because He will never let me down. This too reminds me of a song that is so fitting. It is entitled "I Know," by Darrell Evans. The words go like this:

Though I'm walking through the valley
Of the darkest hour I've known
Lord don't you leave me all alone
When I'm surrounded by the shadows
that seem to feed my fear
I will trust you
Though I may not feel you here

Chorus

But I know that Your love is unfailing
O I know Your grace is so amazing
O I know even though my faith be shaken
O I still know that I'll never be forsaken
'Cause You're always faithful
I know

When my bed has been floating
On the flood of all my tears
Seems as though my joy has disappeared
Still I will not put my hope
In what I feel or see
I will cling to you
And trust You're holding me

(Repeat Chorus)

I worship You
I look to You
I trust You with my life
I worship You
I look to You
Come lift my head up high

Lord, I don't know where I'm walking
But I'll take it day by day
And I'll hold your hand
And You will lead the way




This is the echo of my heart. Your love is unfailing, Your grace is so amazing, and I'll never be forsaken, because Your always faithful. That's our God!!
Tammy

Thursday, June 12, 2003 8:58 AM CDT

I wish you could have seen Taylor (the seven-year-old son Tammy says is so much like Dan) and Spencer (the six-year-old son Janiece says is so much like me) together this past week. They connected instantly. Within less than 24 hours of Taylor's arrival, Spencer had whispered to me, "Dad, is there any way Taylor can come down for my birthday party?" (that's November)

Not only did those two have a lot of fun with the rest of us, but they were eager to have time to play "alone." It was an unexplainable delight to my heart to see them, but it also made me miss Dan more than ever. It was all surreal, in a way.

And then when we took the Roelofs to the airport to leave, Taylor and Spencer could not even look at each other. We were all sad to part, but their hearts were breaking. Finally Tammy said, "Taylor, don't you want to at least say goodbye to Spencer?" Taylor turned and waved at Spencer, who was only two or three feet away holding Janiece's leg. They both quietly said goodbye with tears streaming down their faces. That tells you how great of a time we had for those 5 days! (And those of you who know Taylor and Spencer, please don't mention this to them. It would be very embarrassing to their little hearts. Thanks!)

We did all have a blast together. We just spent lots of good time together. (I didn't even carry my cell phone the entire time!) We ate fresh South Carolina peaches, swam at the community pool, had light saber fights, went on a creek walk, ate pizza and ice cream (Dan's favorites!), shopped for the missionaries I'll stay with in Albania (flying out tomorrow!), made flour bombs and defeated the biggest trees in the woods, rode around in the Jeep with the top off, watched Monster's, Inc. (Tammy's favorite!), and watched donuts being made at Krispy Kreme. God gave us wonderful days of both enjoyment and joy. (Look under the PHOTO ALBUM to see a few pictures of the kids together.)

Janiece and Tammy broke away from the action to spend one afternoon together--which included a special time at the same lake spot where Dan and I prayed last November. Janiece also bought Tammy some "boiled peanuts"--a true southern tradition. (Tammy wasn't sure she liked them, but she couldn't stop eating them!)

These past few days were truly a gift from God that tightly bonded our families, and left us planning our future times together. Thank you for wrapping your arms around us in prayer. Keep squeezing.

And one more thing before I sign off . . . while Tammy was here, we finalized the plans for a re-print of Dan's book that includes the rest of his story!!! I have compiled some of Dan's journal entries from October 2002--March 2003 and added an Epilogue. Tammy is writing a Tribute to close the new edition. All in all, this material adds another 50 pages or so. We hope to have it to the publisher in early July and have the books available a couple of weeks after that--for the same price of $8. We will let you know when the new edition is available on this web page. (AND Integrity's new Dave Lubben CD--A Place Called Surrender--is scheduled to be out in stores in August.) Perfect timing!

Ross

Friday, May 30, 2003 2:40 PM CDT

Dan and I dreamed of the day we would get our families together. Especially after spending time in each other’s homes, we knew that Taylor and Reid would make fast friends with Claire, Brock, Spencer and Scott. But no matter how you look at it, Minneapolis and Greenville are a long way from each other. If you take a plane, it’s a lot of bucks and if you take a car, it’s a lot of miles! So, it never worked out . . .

. . . until now! That’s right—Tammy, Taylor and Reid are flying to South Carolina next Thursday to spend 5 days with us. We are all looking forward to the reunion. (Can it be a reunion if people have never met? I think it can if your hearts have already become connected—and our kids definitely feel connected.)

I know all the kids well enough to know it will be a fun, loud, non-stop adventure. Please pray for us as we play, laugh, cry, pray and serve together. We are expecting a God-filled time.

Ross

Friday, May 16, 2003 8:31 AM CDT

Want to hear something God has been doing?

During the last few days of Dan’s life, I met Dave Lubben over the phone. In a way we felt like we already knew each other because of the things we had heard from Dan. Then we met each other face to face the night before Dan’s funeral. I’ll never forget sitting in a circle of prayer that evening with Lubben, Dave Park and Paul Basil—four of us from different parts of the country, connected by our friendship to Dan, preparing to minister together the next morning.

Sometime after the funeral, Lubben said to me, “We couldn’t live further away from each other (Oregon and South Carolina) but we need to pray that God lets us minister together again.” As I offered a sincere prayer along those lines, I never imagined that in less than 3 months Dave and I would be on our way to Albania—but that’s just what God is doing.

I have a friend who has been pastoring in Albania since the early 90’s (when communism collapsed.) Although predominantly Muslim, Albania was a self-declared atheist state for many years. Fifteen years ago there were virtually no Christians there, and reading letters from my friend has been like reading the book of Acts! Then a few years ago when Janiece and I were pursuing a Romanian adoption, Romania suddenly became closed for all adoptions. For almost a year after that we pursed an Albanian adoption—until the Kosovo crisis broke out, which closed all Albanian adoptions. So when Lubben mentioned Albania, my heart raced with excitement. “God, after all these years, are You really going to send me to Albania?”

Lubben is part of a small team preparing a week of evangelistic events in Albania, and he invited me to join them. They planned to be in one city for 1 day, then another city for 1 day, then a 3rd city for 5 days. Would you believe that the last city is the same city where my friend pastors?!

So, we will travel over together, and then I will go directly to Shkoder to minister in my friend’s church until the rest of the team arrives in that city for the evangelistic meetings. It looks like Lubben and I will also take a trip up into the northern mountains of Albania to minister in a baby church whose pastor is one of my friend’s converts that went back to his home area to plant a church. Who would have dreamed . . .

In a very real way, Dan plays a big part in this trip, and I’m already planning to take copies of his book for any English-speaking people I may meet. God’s ways astound me! To see how He has orchestrated this whole thing fills my heart with anticipation about what He has in store . . .

No doubt it will be a very full week (June 14—June 22) and Lubben and I would treasure your prayers during both preparation and ministry days.

Grace and peace,
Ross

Monday, May 5, 2003 9:11 PM CDT

Surrender--What does this word really mean? I'm listening to a song with words, "I give up what I want and give it to you." Why do I want what I want so bad? Why did you take Dan, God? There are many things I could have done better when he was alive. I surely didn't appreciate him like I could have. He was just so perfect for me. I'm not ready to raise these sweet boys by myself. I am scared because, I don't know how to rely on You, God to the depth that I have to now. I guess that's still my ugly side that wants to do so much still in my own strength. I know I can trust you, but the truth is that this just plain hurts right now. Dan knew me so well and now I'm alone. I don't like to be alone. I like to have someone who knows me so well and still loves me. Someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. Lord, you have promised to be a father to the fatherless and I ask you to do this for your and my boys. Lord, would you please take me through this grieving process and fill me with you. The world is less lovely to me without Dan here. I can't wait to see what heaven will be like someday. I realize I have many questions that I will never know the answers to until that day when I shall see with eternity eyes. But I thank you that you have provided a community of believers to pray for us. You say when we are weak, we are strong. I can stand on truth and it renews my inner-most being. That is amazing! You can give peace and joy when life just falls apart. And why when I start to praise you, do you fill my soul with hope. How GREAT a God you are!!! If only my eyes could see you for who you are every moment of my day. Thank you that your mercies are new every morning and that your love never fails. I do not walk this path alone, you are with me. Thank you!!!!

Matthew 5:4
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."

Psalm 119:50
"This is my comfort in my affliction, for your Word has given me life."

Isaiah 53:4
"Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows."


Lord, I know you are a good God and I trust you!

Your child,
Tammy

Tuesday, April 29, 2003 8:10 AM CDT

I am sorry for the delay between updates--I'm not sure how last week flew by so quickly! Here is some of what has been going on . . .

I was invited to speak at a local college for a Grief & Loss Counseling class. The students were very attentive as I described what I had walked through with my friend Dan during the last year and a half. The teacher asked my perspective on several things--I was so happy to take them to scripture and use God's truth as the basis for how we think and behave! (It was obvious that isn't exactly the viewpoint she has been teaching.) At the end of the class, I gave each student a copy of "A Place Called Surrender." Before they left, one young lady blurted out in front of all the others, "I just read the dedication page and it is awesome! I want to go and read the rest of the book right now!"

And actually, Taylor did some of his own grief counseling this past week. He said, "Whenever I start feeling bad because I am missing my dad, I just try to think about where he is. And when I think of how happy he must be and what a wonderful place heaven is, it makes me feel really happy for him. Then it's hard for me to be sad anymore."

Thanks, Taylor. Thanks, God.

It is a sure thing that this perishable body will put on an imperishable body. Yes, this mortal body will put on an immortal body, and then will come about the saying that is written, "Death is swallowed up in victory." Death has no victory, but thanks be to GOD who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ! (I Cor. 15:53-57)

Someday we won't need grief counseling anymore. We will be in a perfect place with perfect bodies that have been perfectly designed by God to do exactly what we need them to do for all eternity. We won't need anything. We will have everything. That's a promise!

Until then,
Ross

P.S. Tammy wants to offer an apology to any of you who sent e-mails to her at Dan's old charter.net address. When her new address was established, the charter account was closed and some unanswered e-mails were lost. Oops. If you need to contact her, please use the new address posted on this page.

Sunday, April 20, 2003 12:18 AM CDT

It doesn’t matter what the weather is like or what you are wearing; it doesn't matter where you live or what accent you speak with--Easter Sunday is the greatest day of celebration on our calendars! I hope you are rejoicing in the victory of Christ’s resurrection and experiencing His power in your life today.

“The resurrection is not a belief that grew up within the church; it is the belief around which the church itself grew up.” --C. H. Dodd

Make no mistake; if He rose at all
it was as His body;
if the cells’ dissolution did not reverse, the molecules
reknit, the amino acids rekindle,
the Church will fall.
--John Updike

“There can be little question that Christ’s resurrection is central to everything. It is the ultimate event, by which Christ set in motion the final overthrow of death itself.” --Gordon Fee

“Easter is the main event; if you don’t believe in the resurrection, you’re not a believer.” --John Irving

“There are two ways to look at human history, I have concluded. One way is to focus on the wars and violence, the squalor, the pain and tragedy and death. From such a point of view, Easter seems a fairy-tale exception, a stunning contradiction in the name of God. That gives some solace, although I confess that when my friends died, grief was so overpowering that any hope in an after-life seemed somehow thin and insubstantial. There is another way to look at the world, however. If I take Easter as the starting point, the one incontrovertible fact about how God treats those whom He loves, then human history becomes the contradiction and Easter a preview of ultimate reality. Hope then flows like lava beneath the crust of daily life.” --Philip Yancey

I couldn’t have said it better myself. If there has ever been a time when I needed the message and power of the resurrection, it is now.

What a privilege to join with you and thousands and thousands of others today as we celebrate the starting point, the ultimate reality!

Ross

Monday, April 14, 2003 10:31 PM CDT

Hi!

This is Tammy. I just wanted to express to all of you how thankful I am for you. Your notes and prayers throughout this past year have been such an encouragement to our hearts. I can say it is a wonderful feeling belonging to the body of Christ. We have been blessed by your sharing in our joy as well as our pain.

I know many of you are praying for us and wonder how we are doing. Well, last night I heard a song with these lyrics, “Life is hard, but God is good.” How very true! My new life has become harder than anything I have yet experienced. I feel like part of my heart is missing, or at the very least, wounded. But strangely, I believe I can still trust God. Throughout this past year, God has so grown our faith and allowed us to see Him in a way I had never experienced before. Trusting God now is really the easy part of this equation.

The boys are doing well, even though they miss their dad. The other day while Reid and I were in the car, I saw him blow me a kiss and then he blew a kiss straight up. I asked him what he was doing and he shared that he was blowing Dad a kiss in heaven.

Taylor and Reid both are happy that Dad is now healed and is in heaven, but they are realizing more and more that it means he cannot be here with us. They say, “It’s just gonna take too long for us to go to heaven. I just wish Dad could come back. I want to hug him! I miss him!”

It is true—God’s ways are not our ways, but I am learning I can trust Him for today. The pain is very real, but so is His grace.

Thank you for the continued prayers! Thank you for helping us financially—for Dan’s medical treatment and for even continuing to help now. Thank you to those who have prepared meals for us and have come to love on and play with my awesome boys!

During our last trip to Tijuana when Ross was with Dan, Dan asked Ross a favor. He said that if God chose to call him home, he wanted Ross to come regularly and spend a few days with my boys—mainly just talk to them about Jesus. Dan’s desire for Taylor and Reid was nothing more than for them to stay close to Jesus. This world offers many pleasures, but none compares to a relationship with their Creator. What a rich life we can have in just knowing Jesus! It is my sincere prayer that Jesus will become more and more real to me and the boys in the months and years to come. And that is my prayer for each of you as well.

I love you all! Thank you so much for continuing to uphold us! We are forever grateful!!!

Love,
Tammy

Thursday, April 10, 2003 9:11 AM CDT

Our church is studying through I Corinthians 15, and my heart is racing with gratitude and anticipation as I prepare to preach from chapter 15 these next few weeks.

This is the passage God put me in right after I learned of Dan's cancer. As I faced the reality that my friend had a serious and aggressive disease, I anticipated confusion and fear in the months ahead—and I knew I needed God’s perspective. I knew I needed truth to protect me from being swept away by doubt and deceit, so I opened my Bible and dove in.

This wasn’t the first time I had come to God’s Word in need of an anchor. That reaction—searching for what the Bible has to say about what’s happening in my life—had become a regular practice. My faith in Jesus Christ is based on the truth of the scriptures, and I was convinced years ago that the Bible is more than just a helpful book. It is my lifeline. I have made so many choices based on what the Bible teaches that I know would have been very different decisions if I had followed my own logic. I could never find words to express the difference God’s Word has made in my life. In fact, life as we know it in our home has been primarily influenced by what God has said in the Bible and my conviction that He knows what He is talking about, even when it doesn’t make sense to me.

I had read I Corinthians 15 many times. I had even used it to comfort others in times of loss. Now I was holding to it as tightly as I could. In fact, the day following Dan’s news, I opened to that passage and said, “God, I need to understand how you view this situation, and I am camping out in this chapter until you penetrate my heart and mind with its truth. You have to help me see this situation from your vantage point.”

God emphasized to me that my perspective, not just on death, but on day-to-day life hangs on something I will never see. Hope. Hope that death is not the end. Hope that Jesus’ resurrection ensures the same for me. I began to realize that believing God’s promise about the future has everything to do with maintaining a right view of the present.

Many months later, I have spent so much time in I Corinthians 15 that my Bible naturally falls open to that spot, but more importantly, my heart now defaults to the truth and the real hope that is found for me in the fact of Jesus’ resurrection and the promise of the same for all who love Him.

That truth is making all the difference.

Ross

Sunday, April 6, 2003 9:44 PM CDT

I was able to get a copy of the "Thank You" that Jim Roelofs, Dan's dad, read at the funeral. I thought many of you who were not able to attend would enjoy reading these words from the heart of Dan's wonderful family. His mom Jan was able to read the same "Thank You" at a special Memorial Service held at Western Christian High School on Friday, March 28.

God's grace is more than amazing!
Ross

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A FAMILY THANK YOU- MARCH 24, 2003

On Sunday, February 9, 2003, Dan journaled this statement: "Today, I choose to be thankful." Today, my family and I echo his thoughts: "Today we choose to be thankful."

For the son God gave us in a miraculous birth on March 20, 1970;

For adding Tammy, Dan's faithful spouse, to our family, and for giving us two precious grandsons;

For Jesus Christ, who saved Dan and showed him how to surrrender;

For years of fruitful and Spirit-led ministry;

For God's perfect plan in providing for us and guiding us through every day of every year;

For doctors and nurses who prayed with and for Dan, and who tenderly cared for him;

For all of God's people who graciously and unselfishly ministered to us as they offered gifts: gifts of unending love, encouragement, food, hospital visits, financial support, practical help, and kind words of blessing just when we needed them most;

For thousands of prayer warriors who glorified God through their pleas for Dan's healing and for strength and comfort for Tammy and the boys, and for us, as well;

For the way God used the website, Dan's three days at Western Christian High, his book, the service at Fargo, and the newspaper article to climax Dan's life and direct people to the Lord;

For the assurance of knowing that Dan is now healed and is
celebrating eternal life in glory;

For all of you pastors, teachers, friends, and family who are joining us today in this memorial service.

And now, I close by paraphrasing the final paragraph of Dan's February 9 journal entry:

"Today we are thankful for the privilege of being part of the grand and glorious plan of the Almighty God, a plan that was established before the earth's foundations, a plan where every day of our lives was written in His book long before any one of those days came to be. Today, we are thankful for the joy of knowing that our thoughts and actions matter, and that even today, God's plan to use each one of us for His glory is unfolding in our lives."

As you worship today, just thank God for blessing us.

Jim Roelofs and family

Wednesday, April 2, 2003 10:04 PM CST

BOOKS
A new shipment of Dan's books have arrived. You can order individual copies or in bulk from Kristy Kratky at Maple Grove Evangelical Free Church (kristyk@mgefc.com). You can also continue to purchase books at the bookstore listed above.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TRUE RELIGION
The Bible instructs us to respond financially toward the human source of our spiritual blessing. (Gal. 6:6) I know that Dan's life and testimony have been used tremendously by God in so many of our lives, and now we have the opportunity to respond in gratitude. As of this week, Tammy only has around $250/month support that has been committed. She is not asking for anything--(I'm sure she will let me have it for posting this!)--but I know we want to help meet the ongoing needs of Dan's family. Please pray about this opportunity. No monthly commitment is too small. You can get the information you need through the link on this page. "True religion before God is this, to care for the orphans and widows in their need . . ."

Thanks a million! (okay, maybe just a hundred! ---a ten?)
Ross

Sunday, March 30, 2003 9:01 PM CST

I can’t count the times I have been asked in the past week “How did you and Dan become friends?” It’s a story I never tire of telling, and I decided to share it here on the website for any of you who may have been wondering.

I am also eager to give an update on Tammy and the boys. We will shoot for that within the next few days. Thanks for your continued prayers for all of Dan's family. We definitely feel them.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was October 1998, and I arrived in Hudson, FL, just a couple of hours before my graduate school class was to begin. When I walked through the door, my roommate for the week was struggling with his computer printer (which he had brought from Minneapolis) in an attempt to produce his final pre-class assignment. That’s how I met Dan Roelofs.

We had been assigned to room together by the Moody Graduate School office only because our last names fell next to each other alphabetically --Robinson and Roelofs. But the Lord’s sovereign control over that assignment became quickly evident. We were put together by God. Before that Monday morning, we had never met—had never even heard of each other. By the time we left on Friday, we were fast friends who had experienced deep fellowship in Christ.

God’s Spirit worked in an unusual way through our teachers that week. Our small class of ten men realized that we were having revival rather than school! And it was in that context that my friendship with Dan was born. We would sit in class together all day, and then talk and pray late into the night. God allowed us the freedom to really open our hearts—it was as though we had known each other for years, and we decided we would try to work our schedules to take our next class together. Eight months later we were in Chicago enjoying another incredible week of fellowship. Those Moody experiences repeated several times, and a lifelong friendship had been forged. We shared our desires to grow more deeply in love with Jesus. We talked about ministry struggles and dreams. We revealed temptations. We were encouraged by expressing how we could see God’s work in each other. And always, we prayed together. It was as natural as breathing.

Somewhere along the line we decided to call each other the first Friday of every month to talk through spiritual accountability issues and to pray together. That became a time we both looked forward to, and it contributed to the deepening of our friendship.

It was such an unconventional situation. We had never met each others’ wives or kids. We had never been in each others’ churches. I had never even been to Minnesota and I don’t think Dan had been to South Carolina. We had not spent a huge amount of time together. But what we had shared was unique and rich and our hearts had become tightly knit.

I guess that’s why Dan called me as he left the doctor’s office that day—because of what was already there. Cancer didn’t offer us a friendship. God had already given us that gift. Cancer allowed us to experience that gift on a whole new level. (I remember that Dan once said to me the only way he thought our friendship could get any deeper would be through suffering together.)

And after the news of cancer, Dan and I became even more intentional about spending time together. We were able to experience each others’ geographic environments and minister in each others’ churches. We stayed in each others’ homes and enjoyed each others’ families. We even met each others’ parents. Our lives became more intertwined than ever, but the essence of our friendship remained the same—pointing each other to a passionate pursuit of Christ. That is a friend’s greatest privilege, and it is a rare find. It exists in the context of personal humility before God and it flourishes in a climate that is void of pretense and characterized by trust. It is worth more than any accomplishment or material possession. It is a spiritual connection, a God-designed gift that you guard with your soul. It is a treasure for which I will always be grateful—more grateful than I can find words to express.

Ross

Thursday, March 27, 2003 10:05 PM CST

Okay, I have to share this story with you . . .

When Janiece and I landed back in South Carolina, we went to pick up our kids at school. As our second son, Brock (age 9), rounded the corner in the school lobby, he ran to me and gave me a big hug. Then he immedaitely began to explain that his class had done a science project that day. "Dad, our teacher gave us clay and we had to make metamorphic rock. It was really cool. After we finished, she said we could use the extra clay to make anything we wanted, so I made something for you."

He handed me a small figure made of green and blue model clay. "See, Dad, it's two men hugging--and they are very happy. See the big smiles I put on their faces? Guess who it is! It's you and Dan when you see each other again in heaven."

I felt a wave of encouragement rolling over me, and all I could get out of my mouth was "thank you."

Brock went on to point out that he did not give the men hands and fingers because they don't have their "regular bodies." They are in their "spirit bodies." (Next time I am wrestling to understand some mind-bending theological concept, I think I'll start by asking Brock's opinion.)

I am so grateful to my son for this special gift that welcomed me back home. And I am even more grateful to my great God who has promised that the little clay figure in front of me will someday be a reality.

Ross

Tuesday, March 25, 2003 9:09 PM CST

God is faithful--and the time of reflection and celebration these past few days are an example of His doing "immeasurably more than we ask or imagine." It doesn't seem possible that we should refer to these last few days as a wonderful time of experiencing God's presence, but that is exactly what it has been, even in moments of deepest pain.

Hundreds and hundreds of people came to greet Tammy and the rest of Dan's family at the Sunday visitation. These encouraging faces included college friends and roommates, fellow pastors and community leaders, doctors and nurses, church family members from numerous churches, and many former youth group students. Person after person gave testimony of how God has used Dan to draw them into a more intimate walk with God. Two former youth group students even told about how they are now youth pastors themselves and are modeling their current ministries after Dan's ministry to them.

The church lobby was decorated with impressive photo displays of Dan's life and ministry. And a slide show of 300 pictures helped friends and family recall many memories full of laughter and joy.

God's grace in Tammy was so strong. She shook every hand, hugged every neck and shared every tear for almost four hours. It was an important and blessed afternoon.

The funeral service on Monday was another demonstration of the surprising grace of God. Approximately 1000 people who love Dan gathered to remember the impact of his life and to unite in worship of his great God. At least one person came to faith in Jesus Christ as Savior during the service, and many expressed the desire to follow God in a life of surrender.

More than anything we prayed that God would receive great glory during the service through our words and our hearts. He faithfully demonstrated His power through answering those prayers, and all of us trust Him to continue to do that same thing through our lives in the days to come.

Below is an outline of the service for friends who were not able to attend. Thank you for the vital part you have played in these events through prayer. Please continue these prayer efforts for Tammy, Taylor and Reid as the days go by. And continue to check this website for ongoing updates.

Ross





Daniel James Roelofs

March 20, 1970—March 20, 2003

Memorial and Celebration Service
Church of the Open Door
March 24, 2003
10:30 AM

“A Place Called Surrender”

Welcome (Pastor Russ Berg)

Words of Appreciation (Jim Roelofs, Father)

“My Jesus I Love Thee” (Video of Dan Roelofs singing at Western Christian)

“I Can Only Imagine” (Dave Lubben)

Testimonies:

---Bruce Kratky—from Maple Grove Evangelical Free Church where Dan was formerly youth pastor

---Andrew Prest—from Woodland Fellowship where Dan was pastor

---Jason & Joanna Bursch—friends and former youth group students

---Gary Roelofs—mentor

Scripture Reading (Paul Basil)

“O The Deep, Deep Love of Jesus” (Worship Band & Congregation)

Message—Psalm 131 (Pastor Ross Robinson)

“Who You Are” (Worship Band & Congregation)

Gospel Presentation & Invitation (Pastor Dave Park)

“Lay It Down” (Worship Band & Congregation)

Closing Prayer (Pastor Ross Robinson)

Worship Band:
Paul Basil
Jason Bursch
Joanna Bursch
Steve Bursch
Mark Jonsson
Joel Latterell
Dave Lubben

Pallbearers:
Darrin Brouwer, nephew
Jordan Bruxvoort, cousin
Micah Bruxvoort, cousin
Derrick Schrock, cousin
Jeff Schrock, cousin
Shane Schrock, cousin

Ushers:
Dennis deBruyn
Andrew Hanson
Rich Lien
Shawn McCarthy
Mike Nelson
Andrew Prest
Ward Schmeidel
Clark Sells
Layne Stromberg
Erek Swenson


Lunch provided by Maple Grove Evangelical Free Church

Private burial service for family


“Thank you, Lord, for calling me your ‘beloved.’ Thank you for the trial of cancer that has shown me that you are enough for joy. Your power and love are so great that not even cancer can remove the joy from my life. Thank you for communicating your heart to me through your Word. You are a wonderful, powerful Savior. To walk with you has been the greatest adventure of my life. Lord, I open my hands to you. What you want is my desire. What you want is so much better than what I would seek to provide for myself. I want to receive from you. I choose to rest and stop trying to meet my own needs. You are my provider, my Master, my Lord and Savior, and I trust you. Have your way in me.”
Dan Roelofs, February 22, 2002

Saturday, March 22, 2003 6:22 PM CST

VISITATION
Sunday, March 23, 2-5pm
Maple Grove Evangelical Free Church,
8585 Rice Lake Road, Maple Grove, MN 55369
763-420-6485
Map

FUNERAL SERVICE
Monday, March 24, 10:30am
The Church of the Open Door
9060 Zanzibar Lane North, Maple Grove, MN 55311
Map
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Thank You so much for all of your prayers and support--much of which has been communicated through this website. Your love has been felt over and over again. Thank You!

Please continue to check the website for details about Monday's service. We anticipate a powerful time from the Lord as we lay all the plans before Him, and we want to provide significant reports about that event for all of you who are out of town and cannot attend. Please, please join us in prayer for a God-filled time on Monday.

We also want to let you know how you can continue to pray for and serve Tammy, Taylor and Reid. Those updates will appear here periodically.

Thursday, March 20, 2003 2:31 PM CST

Dan is with Jesus.

Sometime between 10:30 and 11:00 this morning, Dan finally saw with his own eyes everything he has believed in and lived for. His mom and dad and Tammy's parents were with him at the time. And he did not struggle. He died very peacefully. He wasn't fighting. He was free.

I am so happy for Dan.

Ross

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Tuesday, March 18, 2003 9:56 PM CST

Dear Lord God,

Thank You that Dan may get to see You soon. And I really mean that. There is a part of me that is so happy at the thought of him kneeling at Your feet with that big smile across his face and that bright twinkle in his eyes. I'm trying to imagine that kind of joy. I just can't get my mind around it. I wish we could all come see You together! But for tonight, I am happy for Dan.

I know he's not home yet, and that healing his body now isn't any more difficult for You than it was a year ago when You turned the whole thing around. I know You can do it, and I am trusting You to come through if that would bring the most glory to Your Name and be the best for Dan and his family. I am confident in You. Confident that You can do anything, but confident that You will only do the right thing. And if that is calling Dan home, I am okay with that. Sure I will miss him like crazy, but I'll just try to keep thinking about him whole and absolutely satisfied.

I can't imagine the spiritual warfare that goes on at the end of a believer's life. Thank You that Satan cannot touch Dan. He is Yours. Please protect him from any final devices of the enemy to bring fear or doubt. Hold him tightly in the security of Your love and peace. Shield him from even an awareness of the battle. Let him rest. Let him be lost in You.

And let his anticipation of what You have in store grow. I know that You can penetrate Dan's mind and heart even when he is unresponsive to us. Let him hear Your voice. I believe You can. I believe You are.

Thank you for being faithful to Dan. He could never have made it so far on this journey without Your unfailing love. Your faithfulness is more than great! You are faithful to Tammy. You will never betray her. Thank You, Lord God. And You are faithful to me and to every one of Your children who is reading this website and seeking Your face. It's no wonder Your Name is Faithful & True.

You know what we need more than anything else. It's You. Thank You for giving it to us. And thanks again that Dan may get to see You very soon. I am really happy about that.

Your kid,
Ross

Sunday, March 16, 2003 10:12 PM CST

Just listen to what God did for Dan today . . .

Dave Lubben was traveling from Nashville to Portland through Detroit. His flight in Detroit was overbooked. Can you guess what city they wanted to re-route him through? You got it--Minneapolis! So Dave arrived with guitar in hand and had several hours at the hospital. God sent him to encourage the family, and to sing over Dan. He played and sang words of truth, comfort and power. No one could have planned it more perfectly. God is huge--phenomenal beyond description. And He doesn't miss a detail in demonstrating His unfailing love.

And before any of that even happened, I spoke with Tammy on the phone. She said candidly, "I don't understand grace. I'm not sure how it works, but I sure am enjoying it."

As we praise God for His faithfulness, we can also thank Him for the opportunity we have to join what He is doing through prayer. No doubt our prayers have had a part in these waves of encouragement from God's hand to our dear friends.

We must continue. The doctor said today that she does not expect Dan to live more than 24-48 hours. That means Monday will be a intense time of spiritual battle, whatever the day may hold. Tammy is inviting us to make tomorrow a day of fasting and prayer. A day to fervently intercede for Dan as we watch expectantly for God to glorify Himself.

And with God, nothing would surprise me.

Ross

Saturday, March 15, 2003 8:11 PM CST

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"A PLACE CALLED SURRENDER"
Order a copy of Dan's book by e-mailing kristyk@mgefc.com
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For those of you who know Dan, these incidents from the last couple of days should bring a smile to your face and encourage you that even though Dan's body continues to weaken and become less responsive, his heart continues to be strong.

Dan's dad (Jim) spent some time with Dan one day during which time Dan was not saying much at all. Before Jim left he said, "I love you, Dan." No response. He repeated, "I love you, Dan." Still no response. So then Jim said, "Do you still love me?" With a twinkle in his eye, Dan replied, "Most days."

Another time they began playing Michael W. Smith's "Worship" CD in Dan's room. Not sure if he wanted any music, Tammy asked Dan what he thought about it. A pause. Then Dan answered, "Cool." As the CD continue to play, the words began to sing out, "This is the air I breathe--Your holy presence living in me. This is my daily bread--Your very Word spoken to me. I'm desperate for You. I'm longing for You." Dan's mom noticed Dan struggling with one of his hands under the sheet. She wasn't sure what was happening. Did he need something? Finally he was able to free his hand from the bed covers and he lifted it to God for a moment of worship right there in the hospital.

Cancer has not diminished Dan's sense of humor or his passion for God. In the midst of his pain (which has intensified some), his heart demonstrates the freedom to grin and praise.

You can tell from the guestbook that there has been a huge response to the newspaper article. Old college friends who are now serving the Lord in Kenya saw the article while online today and were able to reconnect. Amazing! And many people who do not know the Roelofs at all are sending notes and prayers of support. Amazing!

The burden of Tammy's heart tonight is that we continue our prayer efforts for them as diligently as ever. She wants to know that we are faithfully on our knees interceding for God's protection from evil and temptation and for His provision of healing for Dan, whether here or in heaven. God really encouraged her today with II Corinthians 1:3-11. God promises that He, the Father of mercies, will comfort us and that He will make sure our affliction is contributing to the cause of His gospel. At the end of that passage, Paul describes how he feels--both his difficult trials and his unwavering hope in God--and he pleads with the Corinthian believers to join in prayer for him. That was especially meaningful to Tammy.

Why don't we all take time to read those verses right now with Tammy and Dan in mind. And then let's pray for them. I mean really pray for them, believing God will meet them with His comfort and power as He has faithfully done so many times before.

"You also join in helping us through your prayers, so that thanks may be given by many people because of the favor that will be poured out on us through the prayers of many."

They need us to persevere in prayer. It is our privilege. It is their strength.

Ross

Thursday, March 13, 2003 8:48 AM CST

NEWSPAPER ARTICLE UPDATE
The Minneapolis Star-Tribune will run the feature article about Dan on Saturday, March 15. (view it at www.startribune.com) Reprints can be ordered by calling 1-800-829-8742, ext. 9047. Back copies are held for 90 days.
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No matter how much we know in our heads about Dan's physical condition, our hearts are going to struggle with reports like the one I need to share today. Dan's kidneys are not working at all now. He has no way to eliminate toxins from his body and there is no treatment. The nurses have unhooked the IVs. Dr. Bolton said Dan will slip into a coma within a couple of days and then some days later into eternity. Amazingly, he is not in much pain.

I just read some in my journal from the past two months. I was encouraged by Dan's words back in January--the day he received the report about the significant spread of the cancer in his body.

"I am not devastated," he said. "I have a very real peace and a very real hope. God has been so faithful to reveal Himself to me. I don't even need to ask Him for any more. He has already poured enough of His grace on me that if He never gave me another drop I could not complain. The things I wrote in the book are all true. God is still most interested in what is happening in my heart. This is it. This is what surrender is all about."

He (God) has been faithful. And he (Dan) has been faithful. That is something the present trial is not going to change.

Ross

Tuesday, March 11, 2003 9:22 PM CST

I know you are all so eager to hear an update on Dan. In fact, I know you are eager to hear from Dan himself, and with every word I type, I wish like crazy it could be him writing and me reading. That's just not going to happen today. Dan is weak. His kidneys aren't working fully which is something that creates other problems and cannot be treated. Sometimes when he is awake he is able to provide short answers. Other times he is unresponsive. It's been that way since Sunday--that is until about 3:30 this afternoon! God opened a brief window of clarity and focus for Dan as a reporter from the Star-Tribune came to interview him. She is preparing a feature article about Dan to run this Saturday, March 15. Very much like the event in Fargo, God gave what was needed for Dan to communicate just at the appointed time. And then the window was closed. His strength subsided. At least on the outside. But when Tammy asked Dan if he is sad, he replied, "No." When she asked how his heart is doing, he responded, "Good." And when I asked Tammy how she is doing, She said, "I am having a really good day with the Lord." Dan's mom also testified tonight that she has such "a peace from the Lord." I hope you are experiencing that same peace as you share this journey with the Roelofs. Dan is going to get better soon, one way or the other. God is either going to raise him up to walk out of that hospital and drive Tammy to their Elk River home or He is going to carry him to a new home where disease and grief are impossibilities. We don't know which, but we know either way Dan is on the verge of a longed-awaited miracle.

As Dan said to me a few weeks ago, "I'm really in a win-win situation."

Ross

Monday, March 10, 2003 8:03 AM CST

By the time Janiece and I left Minnesota Saturday, Dan was noticeably weaker--hardly able to walk to the bathroom even with assistance. He was showing some signs of dehydration, and Tammy was on the phone with the doctors who were encouraging her to bring him to the hospital. Dan told her he wanted to stay at home Saturday night.

Tammy said she and Dan had a wonderful opportunity to talk for quite a while that night--it was just the two of them in the house. That was a gift from God.

Sunday morning Dan woke up and announced he wanted to go to church! Tammy called a friend to help get him in the car and with great effort they eventually arrived at Woodland Fellowship. Dan was blessed by all the hugs and words of encouragement, and after church they went on to the hospital.

A team of doctors will assess the situation today. We really don't know anything at this point, except that Dan had some kidney failure due to the dehydration. The nurses have been pumping him with fluids.

Please know that information will be posted here as soon as it is available.

And know that God continues to use Dan. Here's just one exciting and very recent example--

A couple has been attending our church here in South Carolina for a short while. The husband has come to real faith in Jesus Christ and has been praying for his wife. Last night at the end of the service, my partner in ministry asked me to share some of Dan's testimony. It seemed to be a perfect illustration of the passage we were studying. I spoke for 15 minutes or so, emphasizing that the investment in our spiritual development is made before the crisis hits. When things get difficult is not the time to try and figure out how I am going to get close to God. Surrender is a way of life, and it is for now, not later.

Dan has been hugely used of God in the past 15 months, but that started long before cancer. He has just continued in the same dependence he was practicing before he got sick.

Well, as this couple drove home from church last night, the wife said to her husband, "I don't have what that man has, but I want it." (She battled leukemia as a child and was captivated by Dan's story of strength in God.)

He pulled the car over to the side of the road and explained the gospel to her as best he could and she responded with faith in Jesus as Lord and Savior! And once again, the angels are throwing a party in heaven as a new sister is welcomed into the family.

Ross

Friday, March 7, 2003 9:50 PM CST

As Dan & Tammy and Janiece & I joined hands in a circle of prayer this morning, we thanked God for His peace. How can something intangible be so obvious? I know I can't get to the bottom of that question, but I can certainly testify to the reality of God's presence right here in the Roelofs home. (I am actually reporting from Minnesota tonight. God arranged a trip for us to spend a couple of days with Dan and Tammy.)

Peace is here. What an indescribable gift! More than anything else, I wanted to share that with those of you who are praying so faithfully for this family. I knew you would find great joy in knowing God's peace reigns here, and I hope that you will find courage and stamina to continue to lift Dan & Tammy up to Him.

They definitely need our continued prayers. In some ways, things are difficult. Dan is very weak. Even walking from the bed to the bathroom is a major feat and requires assistance. Swallowing pills has become more of a challenge. But in other ways, things are easy. Dan has not run fevers or had sweating in the last 24 hours. His cough has also pretty much disappeared. Meals and groceries are being dropped off every day. Tammy said she has not had to cook in weeks! And in addition to the website guestbook, the mailman delivers cards of love and encouragement every day. The support network engulfing Dan and Tammy is incredible. God is using you to make their load lighter.

"The human body is not one part but many. And God has placed the parts, each one of them, in the body just as He desired. It is the same way with the community of God's people, the body of Christ. And in that body, God has set things up so that the more abundant honor is given to the member who is lacking, so that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may show care for one another. And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it. If one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it."

If one suffers, all suffer with him. If one is honored, all rejoice with him. That is exactly what's happening with Dan, and that's exactly how God designed it. Amen.

Ross

Wednesday, March 5, 2003 4:42 PM CST

My goal is to sit up in bed long enough to finish a journal entry today. Here goes...

Thank you for all who prayed for Sunday night. Many miracles happened! We set out from the Twin Cities with a convoy of about 25 people, and had other family members who joined us in Fargo.

We pulled into a fast food restaurant in Fargo and Dave Lubben spotted the RV and came and jumped in my bunk with me. I asked him how he knew I was in this RV, and he said, "you don't see many RV's around here, especially in the winter!" It was great to reconnect for a few minutes before the worship event. He cried when he saw my physical condition--I guess just because he'd never seen me so weak before.

Instead of having the pre-concert prayer time backstage, the whole band and the executives from Integrity piled into the back of the motor home and circled around my bed for the prayer time. It was amazing. Some of the best Christian musicians and producers in the country gathered at the foot of the cross in a 7x8 foot space. Tears were streaming down my face by the time we finished. I felt so blessed by God to be in a place where his presence was so obvious on this particular night. I was blessed to know that these professional musicians were so much more interested in worshipping God than in making money through a recording, or spreading their own fame.

They wheeled me into the auditorium just as the event was starting. It was very emotional for me to see how powerfully God was using Dave and his music. My thoughts went back to the week that we met at a camp in the middle of North Dakota. Neither of us had any confidence in our ability to minister, and God used our weakness to show himself strong that week. Revival broke out among those students. The amazing thing was, even though he was a gifted vocalist and guitar player, Dave had never before led worship. He didn't know any songs. He brought a large folder of transparencies and asked me which ones we should do about an hour before the first session!

That was the first time Dave said "yes" to God about leading worship, and now on March 2, 2003, God was using his willing heart to reach the masses through this recording. It was powerful to hear the music live, too, because we have been playing his original CD so many times at home. The kids call it their favorite "Jesus Music," and would love to listen to the CD every night at bedtime if we let them. It is wonderful to hear your own 5 and 7 year olds singing loudly and unashamedly about Jesus.

Dave introduced me halfway through the program and invited me to come and share with the audience. I picked up my Bible and Tammy helped me up onto the stage. I had no message to share, because I had been wanting to prepare on Friday and Saturday. The only problem was that I hadn't gotten out of bed at all on Saturday, and only for a moment on Friday. I had absolutely nothing planned. But when I settled into my chair on stage with my Bible in hand, God gave me a message that came without thinking. I felt supernatural strength to get up and walk as well as to share. Before I was introduced, I had no energy at all--I just wanted to lay down.

When I finished, Dave led the crowd in a time of prayer for me which was very powerful and again emotional for me. Tammy was on one side of me and Dave on the other. Tammy's words upon sitting down afterward, "I hope they didn't get the snot coming out of my nose recorded on camera!" She is going to love me for sharing that!

The night finished with some incredible God-centered worship, and then they wheeled me back to the motor home after meeting a few people. Dave's parents stopped to encourage us (we had never met them before), as did several others who just wanted to thank us for coming.

I was so incredibly tired afterward that I knew I would't be able to travel Sunday night, even in the motor home. I told Dave about the situation, and he gave up the hotel room that Integrity had booked for him, and Integrity just got another room. They told us to stay as long as we needed to. I had a rough morning on Monday, but felt up to traveling by about 2:00, so that is when Paul drove Tammy and I back in the big rig.

It was a wonderful blessing to be a part of the whole event. I know God wanted us there. I have no other way to explain how or why He would provide all the resources needed to make it happen, and the strength to do it, or the words to communicate what was on His heart. I don't know whether any of the words I shared will be on the final recording, but that isn't the point. The point is that God wanted us there, and He wanted to bless us by allowing us to be there. And bless us He did!

I have continued to struggle physically, but God has been sufficient and gives me the grace to take an hour at a time. Each day has its own encouragement. Yesterday, the city leaders of Elk River filled my bedroom to pray for me. Pastors, business leaders, and community leaders came together to lay hands on me and to ask God to be glorified in my life. I told them if they wanted to do that every few hours, I could probably ditch my pain pills!

My request for today would be that God would allow me to eat, and would give me the desire to do so. I just can't right now. I was awake most of last night with fever and nausea, which has made today a very sleepy day. I am thankful that His eye is always on me, and that He doesn't slumber or sleep.

We're praying too, that God would show us exactly what the next step of treatment is. The cancer is growing rapidly and it appears that some fairly radical form of treatment is needed to slow it down. Either that or a small miracle! I would be thrilled with the latter!

OK, I'm wiped. I hope to update you again soon. Thank you for being our spiritual backbone in prayer. What incredible power God has demonstrated through you! May God bless you as you have blessed us!

Love,
Dan (for Tammy, Taylor, and Reid)

Tuesday, March 4, 2003 5:40 PM CST

Dan and Tammy made it safely home from Fargo last night. They both really enjoyed the Sunday worship experience. Dan was able to stay for the entire event--not bad for a man who has hardly been out of bed in the last 3 weeks! And he was able to speak clearly and powerfully for about 15 minutes. I asked how the coughing was while Dan was communicating. The answer: maybe he cleared his throat one time!

Now they are home and recovering from the trip. Dan is obviously very tired. Nothing has really changed in his physical condition. He continues to battle the fevers and the coughing. He sleeps a lot and sweats a lot. There really isn't any more to report than that.

Dan and Tammy would appreciate prayers for God's timing and direction as far as the next steps medically. They continue to consult with doctors in Tijuana and Minneapolis.

Tammy hit the nail on the head last night when she said, "I know God wants me resting, not running. I don't want to get into trying to solve this on my own."

Resting, not running.

I've been thinking about that all day--and praying Dan and Tammy can experience the comfort and security of God's embrace. I know that God can free them to confidently take the next step, whether it is to the couch or to the clinic.

Ross

Monday, March 3, 2003 8:16 AM CST

It sounds like what happened last night was far more incredible than anything I imagined. I am sure Dan will want to give us all a complete rundown when he is able, but in the meantime I wanted you to hear an eyewitness report. Below is the e-mail I received from Paul Basil, a friend who transported Dan to the Integrity event in a motorhome.

Ross

"It is Sunday evening, 11pm in Fargo. We (Sue & me and Dan & Tammy) are staying in a hotel as Dan is not wanting to travel until morning. God smashed through everything tonight and lit up our hearts in worship! The music was great and Dan’s talk was delivered through his lips by the Holy Spirit. It was a complete miracle. God used Dan powerfully to drive His children to the gates of surrender. I can only hope that we all choose to get out and walk through those gates the way Dan has. The church was standing room only and some 800 people leaped to their feet in an ovation to the message Dan delivered. Dan just pointed at the ceiling giving God the glory."

Sunday, March 2, 2003 8:27 PM CST

As I type this, Dan Roelofs is the guest speaker at a service in Fargo, ND, where Integrity Music is recording a new live worship CD!!! (I am saying that by faith. The last I heard, they were just pulling out of Elk River to begin the three hour trek.) This is something Dan has really wanted to do, and that's why he loaded up the fevers and the pain and everything else he has been living with night and day to make the ride in a motor home.

I am way down here in SC picturing Dan sitting in his wheelchair before 600 people, speaking sincerely and passionately about how God pursues us in every situation. I'm sure he is talking about how the past 15 months have been much more about God's work in his heart than about fighting cancer. He's talking about how he came to the place called surrender--and how it has been the greatest time of his life. I can't help but smile as my eyes fill with tears. Dan is where he loves to be . . . experiencing God and sharing that with others.

Ross

Thursday, February 27, 2003 0:37 AM CST

Hello prayer team. It's about 20 minutes after midnight here in the great state of Minnesota. I'm sitting on the couch in the family room. My wife is sleeping on the love seat next to me. (I tell her to go to bed but she wanted to be close in case I needed something.)

The last fever of the day is on it's way out, and I'm having a rare moment where pain is minimal, I am awake, I'm not coughing, and I am thinking fairly clearly. (I guess that's debatable--my point being that many times in the last few weeks I haven't been able to put two sentences together in my head)

It's in a window of opportunity like this that I want to pull out my Bible and make up for lost time in seeking the Lord. I am reminded that our relationship with HIm is so much more about what He is doing in pursuing us and shaping us and teaching us and loving us than it is about what we are doing. If the basis for my relationship with Him were about what I am doing, I would not have a relationship with Him right now. I feel like I have not offered Him one thing in the last month. For the most part, my focus has been on lumps, pain, blood, scans, and drugs.

The beauty of grace is that God loves me on the days when I worship Him with great perspective, and He loves me on the days when I care about nothing other than getting rid of pain. I could not choose between these days as to which one would find Him loving me more.

There are days when God reveals truth to me from Scripture and I get excited about it and I find great joy in sharing that with as many as I can. These are wonderful days--days when the suffering seems to have meaning and make sense, at least for a moment. There are other days when I can't make sense of any of it, and all I see is pain. My own physical pain. The pain in my wife's eyes as she struggles daily to yield her husband to God. The pain I see all around me in the others suffering at the hospital. I do not feel like a godly, spiritual man on these days.

However, the truth about me and the truth about God is that my hope is not in me or my ability to follow God or love HIm or worship Him. My hope is in God's ability to love me, to draw me to Himself, to accomplish His purposes in my life. I have been encouraged by Psalm 91 on so many occasions since being diagnosed, and verse 4 has become especially meaningful. "He will cover you with His feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." Not my faithfulness to Him. HIS faithfulness to me! This is our hope in Christ! The pressure is no longer on us. It is not up to us, because we have put our hope in one greater than us.

I cannot save my life by eating the right foods or taking the right supplements. For Pete's sake, I can't even eat right now. The pressure is not on me to find the right doctor. I don't have to follow a formula that will assure me of God's healing blessing to be released. My hope is in His faithfulness.

Maybe I'm just beginning to understand a little bit about grace, because I feel totally empty-handed before God tonight--like I have absolutely nothing to offer Him but selfishness and pride and a bunch of crud--and yet I know that He totally delights in me in spite of all this. He is and will be faithful to me. I am still the object of His affection. I am still the apple of His eye. I am still His.

I have very few assurances for tomorrow, but I do know that I will still belong to Jesus. Regardless of my attitude toward Him or anyone else tomorrow, He will still be passionately pursuing me. He will still be in love with me. In the midst of whatever my body is going through, this assurance will be enough.

I guess that is my prayer request. That Tammy and I would celebrate the love and faithfulness of God regardless of what happens in my body. I am still shocked and humbled and amazed that you would care enough to read this page and even more that you would pray. I am so blessed.

Dan

Tuesday, February 25, 2003 10:34 PM CST

Hello again! The juice in my batteries is running low, so I'll keep this short, but wanted to get you an update nonetheless. My blood cultures came back today showing no signs of infection in my port or anywhere else in my blood. Bummer! This means that we still have not been able to identify the cause of the fevers that burn in my body every day, and without a known cause we don't have a known combatant. It may simply be a reaction to the cancer, which means they aren't going away any time soon.

At this point, it looks like I will just have to duke it out with the coughing and fevers. Tammy and Mom are doing everything they can to get me to eat, but I just don't have any appetitite. I eat what I can, when I can, and it is very little. I think it is simply a result of the fevers, so we will try to control them with Tylenol etc.

Here's a God thing: This Sunday night, my friend Dave Lubben is recording a live worship album for Integrity in Fargo, ND. He asked a few weeks ago if I would share a brief message with the audience. I smiled and thought, "Yeah, right." I told him sincerely that if God gave me the strength to do it, I'd be there. I did not anticipate this would happen.

A few days later I shared it with a friend. I told him I thought I might be able to get up there if I were able to lie down the whole ride there and back. He said, "How about a motor home?" I said, "That would be great." I did not expect to be able to find a motor home that would suddenly be made available to us. The very next day my friend (Paul) was talking to a friend of his who said he happened to be going to buy a motor home that night, and that if we wanted to use it on March 2, it was ours for free.

I don't know if God wants me there or not. Right now I feel like brushing my teeth is a monumental challenge. I share it so that you can pray and ask the Lord to make his perfect will happen. They are considering naming this recording project "A Place Called Surrender," the same title as my book. This is the same company considering publishing my book with one of Dave's CD's together, because the message is so tightly knit together.

In a few months this CD will be all over the world speading the glory of God. I love seeing Him work and sliding into His plan, wherever that is, even if only for 5 minutes at a time. God bless!

Dan

Tuesday, February 25, 2003 8:02 AM CST

Quinn is a little friend of mine at church. She is four, and she is very eager to pray. In more than one instance, I have been encouraged because she has heard about something going on with me and told me she is praying for me. (And her parents have verified it as true.)

Quinn met Dan last fall, and she has been praying for him ever since. She and her parents were out-of-the-communication-loop during the events of Dan's return from Mexico due to Quinn's hospitalization. She had her tonsils out and suffered a few minor complications.

Once she was home, Quinn learned that Dan had returned to the hospital and was in some pain. She immediately insisted that "Mr. Dan has to have something to hold" while he is the in the hospital. No way can he be alone--not even for a minute.

So, she went to her room (sore throat and all) and found her favorite stuffed animal--Clifford. (In Quinn's mind, the schedule for every day revolves around when Clifford comes on TV!) And she told her parents that Dan needed her cute red dog more than she did.

She put him in a bag along with a note to me in huge wobbly 4-year-old print: "Dear Mr. Ross, I'm praying for you and your friend Dan.
Love, Quinn"

As I sat looking at this special red dog that I need to get packaged up and in the mail to Minnesota this morning, my heart was encouraged by the Lord. Special gifts like Quinn's faith and sacrifice are spiritual vitamins, evidence of God's active love that inflates our hearts and spurs us on.

Quinn has turned the corner and her recovery is going very well. She is feeling much better today.

So am I.

Ross

Monday, February 24, 2003 9:04 AM CST

The word is-----

Dan is coming home from the hospital today! His surgery went well yesterday and the port is out. By last night his fever was down and he was eating some. This morning he is sitting up in bed and sounding like Dan again.

Before leaving, Dan will have a meeting with the cancer doctor to discuss what comes next. He has already told the doctor that he cannot do any brutal treatments. There are some options outside that category that Dan and Tammy will be considering--and they want us to keep praying for wisdom, to keep calling out to God for His leadership.

Tammy also wants us to keep praying about Dan's appetite. It takes food to gain strength.

And let's cover Taylor and Reid in prayer today--asking God and trusting God to use this real life stuff to make God super-huge in their eyes and super-close in their hearts. God can do that for these boys. I just know it.

Ross

Saturday, February 22, 2003 9:50 PM CST

After puzzling over Dan's fever for more than a week, the health professionals know it is not a result of the cancer--something about the white blood cell count tells them that. They have concluded it must be coming from an infection in Dan's port, which can only be remedied by removing the port.

So, Dan has decided to have that done and surgery is scheduled for Sunday morning. Dan said that he will be heavily sedated but not completely out. We can all be thankful that they don't remove ports in Minnesota the same way they do in Mexico. I was standing at the foot of Dan's bed watching when the male nurse said, "Okay, all the stitches are out, so on the count of three take a very deep breath." Dan did take a deep breath as the nurse yanked the port and dangled it over his stomach. When Dan finally released his air, he exclaimed, "Something about that thing just doesn't look like it should be inside a human body!" Hopefully tomorrow's procedure will seem like a piece of cake. That is our prayer target.

And Tammy also wants us to pray about Dan's appetite. He isn't able to eat much and we don't really know why. Actually, "why" isn't important. He just needs food. (He is getting nutrition through an IV while in the hopsital.)

A very big encouragement has come through Dr. Bolton. As of today, she is the quarterback in Dan's case. She has eagerly accepted that post. Even though she is new to this battle, she already cares a lot about Dan and Tammy. And she is a solid fervent sister in Christ. She reminded Dan today that God is using him in huge ways through this trial. Tammy said she has never heard a doctor talk like Dr. Bolton talks. And they are giving her 50 copies of Dan's book because she wants to give them to people when they are initially diagnosed with cancer.

We must pray for Dr. Bolton, that God will grant her wisdom day-by-day related to Dan's health issues and that He will continue to use her as a source of encouragement and refreshment to both Dan and Tammy.

It's almost Sunday--and soon many of us will be gathering to worship God all over the world. In fact, some of you in the East are already having church! I am reminded as I write that we don't come together to sing and pray because we have had a great week. We don't praise because our hearts are light. We worship God because He is worthy. He is bigger and more amazing than we can begin to describe--

He is close. He is good. He is everything.

Ross

Friday, February 21, 2003 11:20 PM CST

"It is good to give thanks to the Lord and to sing praises to Your Name, O Most High. To declare Your lovingkindness in the morning and Your faithfulness by night." Looking back over this day, here are a few things we thank You for, O Lord . . .

The first rounds of morphine did not seem to help so Dan asked for more. The intensified dosage made him nauseated. BUT this afternoon the nurses made adjustments until they were able to settle into what seems to be a good dosage, as well as give Dan a pump that he can trigger it if he needs more. Dan has relief from the pain. Praise You, Lord.

Dan was initially placed in a hospital room with a roommate who was . . . um . . . well-- very loud and obnoxious. Even though Dan was loaded up with morphine, it was impossible to sleep. BUT the nurses observed the problem, and when the roommate went downstairs for some tests this afternoon, he came back to find himself relocated to a different room. Dan's new roommate speaks in a very soft voice and rarely turns on the TV. Dan is getting some good rest. Praise You, Lord.

The doctors believe that the severe pain is coming from damage to the spleen. BUT they expect it to self-correct to some degree over the next few days. They anticipate Dan will be hospitalized until Sunday or so at this point, and when he is ready to leave, they will release him with substantial pain medicine in capsule form. Dan should get to return home soon. Praise You, Lord.


Tammy and Dan's mom are taking turns sitting with him at the hospital, and even though Dan genuinely appreciates all the concern and support, he really is not up to visitors or even phone calls. What he most wants to do right now is sleep. Let's ask God to grant him that--sufficient peaceful physical sleep. And in those times when he is awake to eat or to try to get in a comfortable position or to push the pump, let's ask God to grant him surprising hopeful spiritual rest.

And let's trust God to give all of us a healthy dose of the same.

Ross

Friday, February 21, 2003 7:50 AM CST

Dan posted a brief entry with a health update last night, but Tammy called this morning with more current information. She asked us all to mobilize in prayer for them again. She had to take Dan to the hospital during the night.

He has not been able to get much rest the past couple of nights due to fevers and pain. Last night tylenol was not enough. The doctor who saw Dan in ER says the problem is coming from the spleen, and the last 2 scans have shown a tumor on the spleen. Dan's doctor will be in sometime this morning to examine him and to possibly order another scan.

In the meantime, Dan is getting morphine, which has the pain under control. He is sleeping well--something he has been longing to do.

And Dan and Tammy's hearts are doing well. Within the last 12 hours, both of them have testified of their love for God and their desire to hang on to Him. They are aware of their vulnerability, but they are not afraid.

As we pray for Dan's body, let's also surround Dan and Tammy with prayers for their spirits. They are not groping for belief now that suffering has come their way. They are standing on the platform of faith that was built in their hearts before any of this started. Praise God for that!

Even so, the enemy no doubt makes plans to whisper his lies today. We have the privilege of countering that attack by circling Dan and Tammy with prayers of hope and truth and protection. Let's hit our knees--

Ross

Thursday, February 20, 2003 10:24 PM CST

I didn't talk about health yesterday, but I need some specific prayer in that regard today. I have been on the antibiotic since Sunday and my fevers still rage whenever I am not taking Extra Strength Tylenol. I found out last night when we ran out around midnight. My cough continues as well. It seems that the antibiotic missed its target.

We will be trying to get in with my GP tomorrow to see what they would say to do next, since I'm not feeling any better than when I came home from the hospital. Please pray that God would give them supernatural wisdom so that the next steps we take are ordered by Him.

That's all for now. Thank you for praying!

Dan

Wednesday, February 19, 2003 10:17 PM CST

Hi- It's me again (Dan). I didn't want Ross to feel overworked and underpaid. Ha ha. I know everything that he and all the rest of you have done for us has been a labor of love, and for that I am just plain blessed.

I'm going to try to go a whole entry without talk of health--I'm kind of sick of the whole health thing personally. Except to say thanks for praying for Reid--he has been much more himself today which means Mommy's happier and there is much less whining in the house!

The new shipment of books is supposed to arrive tomorrow! Finally! We will have 1500 fresh, revised (no spelling or punctuation errors like the first one!) copies ready to send anywhere and everywhere. If you would like one, you can call Kristy at Maple Grove Evangelical Free Church at 763-420-6485, or e-mail her for an order form at kristyk@mgefc.com.

Here is a prayer request:

Dave Lubben is a close friend of mine who is a recording artist with Integrity Music. He writes and sings worship songs that are powerful and God-centered. Dave and I have worked together whenever possible--he as a worship leader and I as a speaker. He led worship at the last event I did at Western Christian High School, and it was an incredible time together. He wrote a song immediately upon hearing my recent news about the massive spreading of tumors, and often will call me, turn on his speakerphone and worship over the phone with me.

The first cd which Dave released is called "Surrender." The theme of the songs parallels the theme of my book unbelievably. Together, we dreamed that one day God would allow them to be one package. As of last week, Integrity is considering doing just that! They are looking at the manuscript for the book "A Place Called Surrender" with the possibility of publishing it nationally and marketing it with Dave's cd.

If Integrity chose to do this, it would mean that the book would be in Christian book stores across the country within months, and the message of joy in surrender would go out to far more than those with whom we have some sort of personal connection. We wouldn't have to worry about anymore printing or distribution. This would be a huge answer to prayer! If you have read my book, you need to listen to Dave's cd. You can find it at your Christian bookstore, or order it online at davelubben.com. You will be blessed!

Another ministry possibility to pray about is this: Dave Park and Ross Robinson are both working with some connections on the possibility of getting the book translated into Spanish. We could have distributed many copies while at Oasis if we had them. Pray that if God wants this to happen, it will!

I shaved today. I walked three more laps around the bannister. I now have a padded toilet seat thanks to my friend Paul (I have no hiney left, so the bone on porcelain didn't feel good at all!) I ate most of a pancake for breakfast and most of a meal for dinner. I played cards with Taylor for about twenty minutes this afternoon (after which I had to sleep, but Taylor was thrilled--Spoons has become his favorite, and he found out he is a quicker draw than Grandma!)

There is still a joy that is greater than circumstances, praise God! He hasn't gone away.

Dan
PS--new pictures finally!

Tuesday, February 18, 2003 10:35 PM CST

A smile from God--that's what Tammy received today (in the form of a strawberry pie!) Someone delivered this special treat right to Tammy's doorstep. (Someone who had no idea that this has been her lifelong favorite!) And Tammy enjoyed every bite of the piece she ate. (Just like she enjoyed every bite of the whole strawberry pie that she ate last week on her birthday!)

God is good, and His tangible expressions come to us in many packages. Today it was a homemade strawberry pie, and a break from the fevers. Dan's temperature has hovered right around 99 all day. (Thank you, Lord.)

Dan slept most of the day and has had very little appetite. He is trying to eat or drink whatever sounds good. His cough continues. His faith is holding strong.

Reid's fever is still high. He saw a doctor again today. He apparently just has a bug that is going around.

Several of you are asking how to contribute support to Dan and Tammy for their ongoing living expenses. Any gifts for this purpose should be designated for Dan & Tammy Roelofs and sent to:

Freedom In Christ
9051 Executive Park, Suite 503
Knoxville, TN 37923

I am sure you are as encouraged as I am by entry after entry in the guestbook. God is huge, isn't He? I never dreamed He could take something that we hate and do so much that we love. Only God. Only God.

Ross

Monday, February 17, 2003 10:26 PM CST

Picture this . . . Dan lying on the couch in his own home surrounded by cards and flowers and letters and gifts and enjoying every bite of his ham and pineapple pizza. Later he decides he needs to work on building up some strength, so he does three laps around the bannister, and the crowd goes wild! Tammy, Mom and Dad all cheering frantically. That was yesterday.

Today has been a different story. Dan's fever has returned and has plagued him all day. He has not been able to eat and has stayed in bed. His cough continues with a fury. The doctors did send him home with an antibiotic--the big guns. He only takes it for five days, and Monday was Day 2. So far no response. He really wants us to pray for relief from these issues so he can focus on his treatment again.

Reid also has some sort of infection. He spent this morning at the doctor. Taylor returned home tonight from Aunt Eileen and Uncle Arv's. Now the whole family is under one roof. And Tammy continues to serve and smile with strength. (She was able to get all of the information she needed from Mexico. That is no small provision from the hand of the Lord!)

As I prayed for all the Roelofs this afternoon, I was reminded of what Dan has been emphasizing to me for over a year: this is not primarily about beating cancer; it's about what God wants to do in our hearts. Our nonstop thoughts about Dan and Tammy have become a signal that calls us to look to God with fresh faith, asking Him what He wants to do in us today. Even though that question sometimes takes us to uncomfortable places, it's one that God--and Dan--won't let us get away from.

At the end of the day, God's faithful work in us is a reason to be truly grateful.

Ross

Sunday, February 16, 2003 9:58 PM CST

Hi. It's me again. I'm sitting at home at my own computer. They released me from the hospital around noon today. I'm totally loving my new environment.

They still haven't figured out what is causing my daily fever spikes, but their best guess is that I have an upper respiratory infection and that is probably what has caused the cough for the last month. They gave me an antibiotic and sent me home.

All indications are that the internal bleeding has stopped. It was likely caused by the melanoma growing into the intestines, which makes it amazing to me that the bleeding stopped. Definitely an answer to prayer!

I could tell you dozens of hospital stories but I'll just share a couple. On Valentine's Day, some friends decided they would give Tammy and I a special night. They made a gourmet meal and took it right into ICU and set up a beautiful spread on my hospital tray--complete with a table cloth, plates, and stemware. They brought background music, an ice bucket for the beverages (organic mango juice), and followed up the meal with a wonderful dessert.

The nurses got a huge kick out of it, and even though I was supposed to be transferred out of ICU that night, they delayed my move by a couple hours so that we could enjoy our meal. When I took Tammy's hand to pray for the meal, I couldn't get the words out. God had prepared a table for us in the presence of our enemies. It was a powerful expression of His love. Tammy called it the best Valentine's day we've ever had! Nobody ever had so much fun in ICU! Thanks Jo, Jason, and Heather!

That night they brought me down to the palliative care floor, which is basically pain management. My roommate stayed up all night and called the nurses in about every half hour. One patient down the hall escaped his room and was calling for help out in the hallway about 3am. He didn't know where he was or why he wasn't wearing his underwear. An hour later another patient, this time a woman, was out in the hallway sobbing. All that to say that my bedroom tonight will be the quietest room I've slept in in recent history. For that I'm grateful.

Pain makes people do strange things, and my prayer request is that my heart would not turn away from God in these times when I do not feel good. It has felt nearly impossible to connect with Him like I am so accustomed to doing, just because the physical circumstances have been so consuming. I have no question about His love or His presence. I guess this is what it means to walk by faith and not by sight--you bank on what you know is true even though your feelings are telling you to abandon ship.

I'm so glad to be home after almost a month away. I think I might even shower one of these days. Whether I need it or not. Taylor told me he likes my face the old way better too (shaven.)

Good night-
Dan

Saturday, February 15, 2003 1:29 PM CST

The community of faith is an amazing thing. Who can explain the very real connection, the natural response of love that trademarks those who know Jesus? Even two thousand years ago as both hardened pagans and religious Jews assaulted the first Christian churches, they were baffled—“My, how these Christians love each other!”

Dan and Tammy are saturated with that love as they walk through this valley. They are overwhelmed by your faithful petitions to God, by your constant words of encouragement and by your readiness to sacrifice. Thank you for living out the love that you have tasted from the hand of God.

They very much appreciate your concern and they want to keep you informed. It is impossible for Tammy to keep up with the phone calls—I’m sure you can imagine. So, we will update the website at least every 24 to 48 hours, or more often if there is anything to share. The website info will be current, honest and complete—we’re all in this together.

Please encourage everyone you know to check on Dan through the website and to send messages through the guestbook. Tammy is reading them to Dan once or twice a day. It means the world to him!

Here’s the latest . . .

Dan left ICU last night and moved to the oncology floor. He hopes to be heading home to his own bed very soon. Let’s pray it could even be today.

The source of bleeding has not been pinpointed, but it has stabilized. That is huge! The doctors have decided not to probe too much because they don’t want to aggravate the problem and start the bleeding again. His hemoglobin is maintaining a reading of 10. They will continue to monitor the situation through these readings. Let’s pray Dan can avoid a scope in the you-know-where.

The doctors have begun discussing what to do next—possible treatments, experimental options, etc. That’s a lot to think about when you're weak. Let's pray for Dan to continue to gain strength and let’s ask God’s Spirit to comfort Dan and Tammy with rest and peace as they face these decisions.

In the meantime, Dan will continue with some of the treatment he was using previously. Tammy needs to get some details from Mexico. Let’s pray she can connect and get everything she needs with the first call.


This is no time for fear . . . this is a time for faith.

God is our refuge and strength. He is right in the middle of the trouble with us. Because of Him we will not fear—no matter what changes, no matter how bad things get. God is engulfing us. We cannot be moved. (Psalm 46:1-5)

Ross

Thursday, February 13, 2003 10:38 PM CST

From Tijuana to the Twin Cities has never been such a long trip! That is how Dan and I felt as we landed in Minneapolis around 6:30pm Wednesday night. I am Dan's friend Ross--and we are so thankful for all of your prayers as we traveled. God did just what He has promised--He gave us a truckload of grace for a difficult day.

By the time we reached Minneapolis Dan's hemoglobin had dropped down to 7 and he went straight to the hospital. Since his arrival . . .

Dan has learned his blood type. (O-) He is in ICU and has received several units of blood and is getting nourishment and liquids through an IV.

He has learned how to swallow a camera. He had a test today which revealed that the bleeding is not coming from his stomach. More tests will come in the next couple of days to pinpoint the source of the bleeding and what if anything can be done about it medically.

He has learned there is still something that can make him sit up in bed and flash a big smile--pizza!


God has provided doctors who seem both compassionate and concerned about helping Dan. He has rehearsed his year-long story with them and they have agreed that the past results accomplished through his treatments in Mexico are remarkable. Last night after one doctor left Dan's room he stopped a Christian doctor who was standing at the nurses' station and sincerely said, "Talk to me about God. Why would He let something like this happen to one of His pastors?" She was able to share truth with him for an extended time. The nearby nurses stopped and listened. It was a rare scene in ICU! And before she left, the Christian doctor stopped by Dan's room to say, "God is already using you here!" Tammy showed up at the hospital today with a handful of Dan's books to begin placing in some of these health professional's hands.

Dan is still holding on to Jesus. He feels weak in body and even sometimes in mind, but God's grace is so strong in him. Even if Dan can't see it from his vantage point on a hospital bed, it is crystal clear to all looking on. He senses your prayers and continues to be encouraged by your guest book entries.

I, like all of you, am trusting in the Lord God. He is the One who has promised us that His mercy and kindness will pursue us all the days of our lives. It's impossible that Dan, or any of us, will wake up tomorrow and not be met by that provision. God's mercy--His generous patience with our weakness. God's kindness--His faithful love that never rests. That's what will be running hard after us tomorrow and every single day we live. That's a lot to look forward to--

Ross Robinson

Wednesday, February 12, 2003 0:06 AM CST

Sorry I haven’t been online for awhile. I’ve been staring at ceiling tiles for the last few days. Here’s a brief update before I drift off again…

I’m going to fly back to Minnesota tomorrow. Ross is going to get on the same plane with me so that I won’t ever have to be alone. Thanks to those of you who helped to put that together. Dave Park has been here the last few days, too, and the two of them have been a huge help to me. They have spent hours rubbing my feet and hands, praying over me, annointing me with oil, cleaning up what didn't make it into the nausea bucket, preparing enemas, etc, etc. They definitely picked up where Tammy left off, although they don't smell as good and they aren't as nice to look at. (sorry guys!)

I’ve been struggling physically. My hemoglobin was 14 when I got here and 8.5 today. They think it is because I’m bleeding in my digestive tract, probably from my stomach. Our next goal is to get the bleeding to stop so I can start rebuilding some blood. I’ve had low grade fevers off and on for the past several days, and we aren’t really sure why.

I will need to find a doctor in the Twin Cities who can oversee my care, because there is a lot going on that we aren’t totally prepared to deal with. Please pray that God would lead us to one. New little tumors have continued to appear under my skin in different places. This doesn’t necessarily mean that the treatment isn’t working.

I haven’t had much appetite, and this is probably a result of the stuff going on in my stomach. Please pray that God would heal up whatever is causing bleeding and give me a renewed desire to eat.

God is still on the throne, and a refuge to all those who call on Him. That is what we will continue to do! I love you, and am so thankful to have you in my praying army.

Dan

Sunday, February 9, 2003 2:29 AM CST

Today, I choose to be thankful. For sun and a bright blue sky. For the knowledge that the God who created the sun and sky has made me the object of His affection. For the passionate, relentless love of Jesus. For a Savior who suffered and died for my sin so that I wouldn’t have to. For the presence of God in my hospital room.

For a deep breath without pain. For the privilege of sleeping without coughing last night in response to the prayers of God’s people. For the hope of having a mouth and lips that I will be able to use again in 4 or 5 days—never to take them for granted again. For a hospital where the president prays daily for each patient. For the knowledge that my life is in the hands of the Great Physician. For the peace of surrender and the joy of resting in the arms of my Savior. For the promise of eternity in his presence, where there is fullness of joy and pleasures forever. For the assurance that I will not be tied to this weak and failing body forever—but that one day I’ll be recreated. When that happens, I’ll be a white man who can jump.

For my boys who tell me they love me to infinity and back every day. Some days it’s Cozumel and back too, depending on whichever seems further. For my wife--my help-mate, my best friend, my nurse, and more often than not, a rock to lean on. When I am in pain to look into her eyes is like looking at Jesus. For the friends who have come across the country to stay by me in my room—Paul, Barry, George, Ross, Dave, and the many others who have offered. For the unbelievable bond that I share with each brother and sister who name the name of Jesus. For my parents and inlaws and brothers and sisters and all sorts of family who keep loving and praying and calling and hoping.

For a God who provides and for people who graciously and unselfishly offer what they have to be used by Him for His purposes. For 400 high school students who gave $10,000. For people I have never met who have sent cards and letters which now fill an entire wall of my hospital room. For poems from tender hearted kids. For thousands of people who bless me by praying for me and my family and/or writing notes of encouragement on the web page. For a God who would use the technology of the internet to create a community of pray-ers.

For the privilege of being part of the grand and glorious plan of the Almighty God, a plan that was established before the earth’s foundations, one where every day of my life was written in His book before one of them ever came to be. For the joy of knowing that today matters, my life matters, my thoughts matter, and even today, God’s plan to use me for His glory is unfolding in my life.

If you think to pray for me today, just thank God for blessing me.

Dan

Friday, February 7, 2003 0:37 AM CST

Hi again. Just wanted to pass along a few prayer requests. I am overwhelmed at the number of people who have told us in person or via the internet that they are praying. Since this is true, I want you to be able to pray accurately.

I have struggled with a cough since I’ve been here which they believe is the result of tumor inflammation in my lungs. The tumor inflammation is because of the treatment. Until last night, it had only been a daytime symptom, but last night it kept me up most of the night. They tried two different things today to reduce the inflammation—a steroid shot and 15 minutes of breathing into some sort of oxygen chamber (kind of like a very large inhaler). I will probably have a chest x-ray tomorrow to rule out pneumonia or some other type of bronchial infection. Please pray that we can get to the bottom of this because it complicates everything else that is going on.

I wasn’t able to eat today until dinner tonight, when I had a really light meal. I’m not sure why this is. It might be residual effects from the Coley Vaccine. I was flying high Tuesday night, not realizing that some of the effects were still to come. Today I have blisters throughout my mouth and nose. Doc says they should be gone in a week.

I have had several new little lumps appear on my scalp since I’ve been here. The doctor said it is quite possible that Coley’s will help encase these and that eventually they could become fibrous tissue. At that point we could just cut them out. I hope that happens soon because I’m finding a new one almost every day.

Tammy flew home yesterday to be with the kids, so I am missing her intensely! My friend Ross from Greenville, SC, came this morning so he is now the resident nurse in 306. He’s adjusting to hospital life pretty well already!

I continue to cry when I get mail. It is just very emotional to know that God is telling me that He loves us through all of you. I couldn’t sense His presence last night at 3AM when I felt lousy, but I am reminded of all the ways He has demonstrated His love and I can’t help but be encouraged.

I’ll leave you with another poem—this one by 11 year old Claire Robinson (Ross’s daughter) She wrote this for school. It, as so many other pieces of mail have, blessed me deeply.

Title: My Friend

Always cares
Brave and strong describe him well
Always looks away from himself
Looks like inspiration to me.

Has cancer
Never gives up when the going gets rough
Still wants to serve God
Sounds like perseverance to me.

Paving the way so I can see
The way that God has called for me.
Looks like significance to me.

Dan
The person I admire
My example
My good friend.

Wednesday, February 5, 2003 0:37 AM CST

I made it! I just achieved feverless status for the first time today. It’s 9:45 here in TJ and this is the best I have felt all day. I took my first steps a few minutes ago, with my wife’s assistance (to the bathroom!)

Here’s a rundown on the day: I got prepped at 8:00 this morning, and the IV drip of the Coley’s vaccine started at 8:30 AM. The drip had all run into my body by 9:00 AM, and by 9:10 I was starting to shiver. I shook uncontrollably until about 9:50. They put five blankets on and yet you can’t get warm! Tammy sat on the bed next to me and just pressed her face against mine. It was amazing how much that helped!

After the chills comes the escalating fever. It rose steadily over the next couple hours to 104 degrees Fahrenheit, and then they kept it there as long as I could tolerate it. I was ready to quit after 5 minutes, but my friendly doctor thought it would be good to keep it there a couple hours. They were monitoring me very closely the whole time, and could bring the fever back down if they needed to, but it is the high fever that helps the body detoxify. And boy did I detoxify! I coughed up toxins from my lungs. I lost every bit of fluid in my stomach into the bedpan. I sweat profusely.

None of this was especially fun for me, but the doctor kept saying what an excellent reaction I was having. She considered the reaction I had a fairly severe one, and said that the more severe the reaction, the more powerful the anti-cancer effect.

They brought me back to my room around 2:00 this afternoon, and I slept until dinner. I ate some fruit, and have kept it down! Tammy brought up the mail, and we must have had 20 pieces. It was so awesome! I sat and read notes from people all over the country—some which brought tears to my eyes. The mail truck didn’t come the last couple days but now I know why—God was storing it up for me knowing that today was the day I would need to read it.

I’ll leave you with a poem and a verse. I got two poems from elementary students today which blew me away. I’ll include one now and put the other in tomorrow’s update.

Long, long ago in a far away land,
God made a special man, his name was Dan.
He was tall, he was not small!
Big in my heart he will always be
He was the one who taught faith to me.

By Alexandra MacDonald, 8 Years Old
Greenville, South Carolina

“This is what the Lord says—he who created you O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.’”

(Thanks Katie!) Today was a day in the fire. But God was in the fire with us. Like the apostle Paul, “we are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus so that the Life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.” (2 Corinthians 4:8-10) Thank you so much for praying these realities into our lives.

Love,
Dan (for my unbelievable wife)

Monday, February 3, 2003 9:01 PM CST

Terminal. That’s the word used by traditional doctors for those of us gathered here at Oasis. I don’t have a Webster’s handy to look it up but I’m assuming if I did I would find descriptions like: dead end, the end, with no more continuation, without an outlet. As I talk with other patients I realize that almost all of us have been told that we are without hope.

Maybe that’s how you feel about your life. It is possible that you don’t need a doctor to tell you that things are not going as they should be, and maybe you are starting to lose hope. If you don’t mind, I’d like to take a moment to explain from the Bible’s perspective why that might be the case.

We were all born into the world with a disease. The disease is called sin. Some don’t even know that they have it, but it has disastrous effects either way. It isn’t simply the tendency to do bad things. At its root, sin is simply that innate part of us that does not want to submit to God. We would rather have our own way. We want to be independent—calling our own shots. If you aren’t sure if this is a part of you, have kids. Then remember you once were one. Nothing has changed except that now you have your tantrums when no one is looking instead of in the produce aisle of the grocery store.

The effect of all this is separation from God. Alienation. Distance. Lack of relationship. Lack of intimacy. There are many who would claim to believe in God, but they are simply referring to an intellectual assent that there is a God. Unfortunately, this does not end the alienation. Believing that there is a God does not end loneliness, or put a marriage back together, or end depression, or give joy to a downcast heart. It doesn’t give meaning to life or satisfaction in one’s deepest parts.

Scripture says that this disease is terminal. Romans 6:23 states, “The wages of sin is death.” Not only physical death, but spiritual death. Separation from God for all eternity. That is the ultimate definition of terminal. A death sentence for sure.

But God did not create us to be alienated from Him. He did not intend for us to live with this sin disease and have no hope. He is the Great Physician, and He is also a passionate Lover. It grieves Him deeply to be separated from the children He created—those He loves so deeply. His heartfelt desire is that none would be terminal, but that all would come to repentance. But what about the disease?

God dealt our sin-disease a fatal blow when He sent His Son, Jesus Christ to be born into this world, right alongside us, and then to die on a cross. His death was the sacrifice that paid the penalty of sin for you and me. His shed blood was like the vaccine that could cleanse us of our disease and restore us to intimacy with God. Powerful!

Because of this sacrifice, those who were once terminal can now have the hope of life, and life eternal! Jesus said, “I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.” (John 10:10) This life is found in a relationship with the Great Physician, the Creator of the World, the Author of Life, the Lover of our Souls. Do you have that kind of life? Do you want it? Your life doesn’t have to be one dead end after another. God has pleasures waiting for you in Him that make the temporary happinesses of this world look like Monopoly money. Life in Christ is the real thing!

You can be reconciled to God right now! Scripture says that we need to first agree with God that we are sinful. Then we need to recognize that there is no other solution for that sin disease than putting our faith in Jesus Christ. This is why Jesus Christ is called a Savior! He is the source of the only vaccine that will help us. Going to church doesn’t erase sin. Being a good person doesn’t erase it. Only the blood of Jesus Christ can make us whole again. When you believe that, you can cry out to God and by faith say, “God, I’m putting my hope in you!” The Bible says “Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved!”

If you’re not sure what to say to God, here are some words to guide you. “Heavenly Father, Awesome God, I want to know you! I want to experience your love and every good plan that you have for my life. I’ve done life on my own for quite awhile. I know I’ve resisted you without even knowing it at times. I want that to end today. I submit my life to you. Forgive my sin, Lord. Cleanse me of all the things I’ve done that have hurt you. I believe you are the Way to eternal life. I put my trust in you. I want to follow you all the days of my life and be in your presence for all eternity. I receive you as my Lord and Savior. Thank you for making me your child. I love you.”

If you prayed that prayer, you are no longer terminal. Praise God, neither am I! I never will be! Thanks for letting me share what has been on my heart all day.

God bless-
Dan

PS—I’m starting the Coley’s vaccine at 8:00 tomorrow morning, West Coast time. I met a girl who had it today and she was down at lunch looking like nothing ever happened. Others have been wiped out for a week. Regardless, I am not opposed to prayers!

Sunday, February 2, 2003 6:40 PM CST

Hey gang-
Had some time before my next treatment this afternoon and thought I’d send an update. I talked to both of our kids last night and they seem to be having the time of their lives with their relatives. They got to go swimming yesterday and Reid was reported to have gone down the waterslide a million times—in spite of the fact that he was diagnosed with a pretty severe ear-infection in the morning. (Thanks for staying up all night Uncle Jerry!) This is small potatoes for Reid since he usually needs stitches whenever we go away. His chin has a strong attraction to pavement.

Taylor said he was having a blast, but swimming would have been a thousand times better if I had been there. I sure do miss them. In a way I wish they could be here with us, but I really think it is best for them to be at home with relatives and staying in school.

We are still contemplating implementing the Issels Program regimen here and then at home. It would be the most intense and focused protocol that we have done yet. Issels combines the best of the Oasis program and the Gerson program and adds some protocols of their own. You can read about it through a link on the Oasisofhope.com website if you’d like to. It appears that they have seen some remarkable results, specifically with melanoma patients.

I’ll describe the protocol more in detail later, but the thought that God brought to mind yesterday was this: there are many people who will rearrange their life in order to implement some disciplines which will change the state of their health. These disciplines (like a change in diet, taking shots, doing chemo or whatever) are not health, but they are done in the hope that health will be gained.

The same principles apply to our walk with God. Often times what needs to change in order for God to have access to our hearts is the rhythm of our lives. We are slow to implement disciplines that would help us get regular sleep or allow for solitude or help us meditate on Scripture. Why? We don’t have time.

I am finding that the same lifestyles that make us physically sick make us spiritually sick as well. The symptoms are different, but they are equally as painful. Did you know that in Mexico the cancer rate is one tenth that of the incidence rate in the States? This is true even though they don’t spend anywhere near the amount of money that we do on healthcare. The bottom line reason they don’t get sick as much—they don’t live like we do. They aren’t stressed. They sleep. They eat slowly. They work much less. They are not consumed with money or the approval of people. And often times we look down on them for these things.

In many ways, I believe God has sent us here four times not only to help me get better physically, but to teach us how to live. A love relationship with God is not something you squeeze into a busy life. Hearing His voice doesn’t happen in the car between the drive-through window at McDonalds and the next appointment. Having a 56K modem and high speed internet doesn’t make getting direction from Him any easier. Oh, how I wish it did sometimes!

Bottom line: I feel like God is speaking to us about building spiritual disciplines into our lives, so that our time revolves around them. I am finding that one does not expect to take a pill a day and experience healing from cancer, and the same is true spiritually. But if you really want to get better, you will change anything. “Those who hunger and thirst for righteousness will be filled.” That’s what Jesus said.

Til next time—
Dan

Friday, January 31, 2003 at 10:13 PM (CST)

Hello prayer team! My last web journal must have elicited a landslide of prayer because God has certainly been encouraging us. I can’t precisely explain why, but I know that it is the Lord.

Yesterday my doctor listened to my lungs and they seemed to be free of fluid. The reason he checked is that I have been coughing ever since treatment began here. He believes the cough is a result of the treatment irritating the cancer, which means something good is happening inside!

My right leg has been giving me significant pain since the middle of December, and it is notably less since we have been here. We don’t know what is causing it, but are assuming it is cancer related. The site where they installed my catheter last week is finally starting to heal up too. I haven’t been on pain meds either yesterday or today.

Last night I decided that I am not going to live like a sick person anymore. I had been sleeping quite a bit the first few days here because it felt best to just lie in one spot. That approach was taking a toll mentally on me. Last night I made out a schedule for today’s treatments and all the things I wanted to get done, and I did them. It felt really good.

In addition, I had another visitor today. Barry is a good friend who lives northeast of San Diego. We used to be accountability partners when we lived in Denver, and have kept in touch ever since. We took a short walk on the boardwalk (it was too hot to walk longer!) had lunch at Oasis, and talked about our shared Passion.

I will not be having the Coley’s vaccine tomorrow. We are still praying about whether this is what God would have us to do or not, and we have yet to meet with the doctor who supervises this treatment. The research shows that it has been very effective in the treatment of melanoma. It is basically an injection of bacteria that causes a fever reaction and may last a few days. The intent is to stimulate the body’s own immune system. It is nothing like Interleukin and Interferon, although it may feel like it for the first day or so. If you could pray with us for God’s direction, we would much appreciate it.

One last request: Several patients have come down with catheter infections during their stay here. Our bodies simply don’t like having a foreign object in them. These infections are nasty and really take a person down for a few days. That is what happened to me in September. Please pray that God would protect me and that my whole body would stay free of infection.

Thank you to those of you who have sent cards, letters, e-mails, or notes of encouragement on the web site. Getting mail has been the highlight of the day! We are so grateful for all of you and the kindness you’ve shown us!

I have posted some new pictures again—I know, it’s a record. Soon, the Oasis video tour produced by my buddy Paul will be available to the general public. The highlight will no doubt be the scene where the enema police are escorting me to my room for some treatment. Have a great weekend!

Dan

Wednesday, January 29, 2003 at 06:24 PM (CST)

After a week of waiting on the Lord, I feel like He is finally communicating with me. I know it is probably more a matter of me being ready to listen, so I’m not complaining! I haven’t shared much about what’s happening with us spiritually and emotionally, so I’ll attempt to do that today. I’m not into facades, so here we go…

This past week has been one of the most spiritually intense and difficult since this journey began. In the past, whenever I have had burdens, I took them to Jesus and they were no more! Peace and joy and encouragement have always been the result. His presence has sustained us for the past 14 months. Living in a place called surrender was the joy of our lives.

This past week has been different. I have still been taking the burdens there, but my heart has been heavy none-the-less. I don’t know why except for that I feel like God is allowing me to grieve what I have lost, and may still be losing. Before, I could fight the spiritual battle, and once the victory was gained, I was on my way to share with someone what God had done. Now, I can still do that, but I’m not healthy anymore. I hurt in places I didn’t used to hurt, and I cannot do some things I once did. These physical issues put the loss right back in front of my face, tempting me to despair, to give up. Especially when I think about the fact that if the disease progresses, pain will increase, and the treatment I have coming soon is supposed to make me very sick.

In addition to this, the patients at Oasis this time are for the most part very sick. The last time we were here, there were more who had cancer but were symptom free, just as I was. One gal who was at Prayer and Share with us last week passed away last night. Others are really struggling. Mealtimes were once full of laughter and encouragement, and lately have seemed more discouraging as people discuss the incredible pain in their lives. Our pictures may be a little misleading about what life in the hospital is really like.

The previous paragraph is all a very human point of view. Very real, but very slanted from a human perspective. Today God changed all that.

I’ve been studying the life of Abraham lately. I can relate to the guy on so many different fronts. The study (Created to be God’s Friend) asked some questions that nailed the issue going on in my heart. The first question: Are you willing to leave your family and your country to follow God? My interpretation: Are you willing to go where God wants you to go, even if it means great pain or suffering for yourself? Next question: Are you willing for God to do anything to shape and mold your life? If you are, explain how you know that. It not, what is keeping you from that kind of relationship with God?

It was like God was saying to Abram, “Any country, any place won’t do! It is the place that I choose where I will shape you and make you my friend.” Blackaby, the author of the study I’m doing writes, “Love involves a release of one’s life unconditionally to Him, for Him alone.” Unconditionally. What a word! To unconditionally say “Yes” to God is to stand before Him in absolute nakedness, in absolute trust willing to walk in absolute obedience. That is surrender! Do you honestly know anyone who lives that way? That kind of trust and obedience would turn the world upside down for the glory of God!

God was committed to refining and shaping Abraham because He wanted the absolute best for him. The same is true for me. Every challenge I face is carefully crafted by God to help me reach my maximum potential. Abram did not have to shape himself. He didn’t have to develop his faith. All he had to do was respond in trust and obedience, a step at a time.

My answer to the questions: I am willing. There are times when I fear the pain that I know He may choose to use to shape me, but I know that He is an expert refiner. He knows just how hot to make the fire. I know, too, that He refines me because He loves me and is making me His friend. And that is what I want more than healing, more than freedom from pain, more than anything.

It is nothing less than the grace of God which has freed my heart today. He is doing the same in Tammy. I can see it in her eyes. I believe this grace has come to us because of your prayers. I unashamedly ask that you would continue. We are so grateful for you!

Dan

Wednesday, January 29, 2003 at 12:42 AM (CST)

It’s Tuesday afternoon and Tammy and I just finished another gourmet Oasis meal. I’m finished with my morning treatments and thought I’d get a few things done before the next round.

Tammy and I met with another doctor yesterday who supervises some adjuvant therapies to what Oasis is doing. One is a vaccine called the Issels Vaccine and the other is a bacterial injection that is designed to stimulate my immune system. I already had the Issels vaccine last April-June, so that will be a repeat and something we are familiar with. The Coley’s Toxin Vaccine is new to us, and will be taken weekly. It will knock me out for a day each time I take it with a high fever and chills. It affects everyone a little bit differently. It looks like I might have my first one on Saturday. When we find out, I’ll let you know because I definitely want it covered in prayer.

We had a great time with my buddy Paul, and he is now headed back to the frozen tundra. We had an awesome time of prayer together after dinner last night (Paul, Tammy, and I). This morning we made a video tour of the hospital and surrounding landmarks. The highlight of the video will no doubt be the nurses coaxing me into my room for an enema.

We also had a surprise visitor last night, which was great! George Nix is a good friend of ours from Aitkin, MN, and was in Palm Springs on business yesterday. He rented a car and drove to the hospital and had dinner with us. We were blessed that he would take several hours to come and visit us!

This morning I led the devotions for the patients because the hospital missionaries were out of town for a couple days. The morning devotions are just one of the many opportunities they provide here for patients to get to know each other and support each other. We are so thankful that God continues to be at the center of everything that happens here.

I’ll close with a passage of Scripture. Romans 5:3-5 says “We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” There is only one kind of hope that does not disappoint, and that is hope in the love of God. Every other hope is based on circumstances. Pray that we would not waver in unbelief, but persevere in hope!

Dan
(More new pictures today!)

Sunday, January 26, 2003 at 11:17 PM (CST)

It’s Superbowl Sunday night, and even though the game was only 10 miles away, I slept through the whole thing. It was another beautiful day in TJ. I walked on the boardwalk early this morning and then went to the hospital Sunday service. Dr. Contreras gave a message about Hope from Scripture, and it was excellent.

This afternoon when my treatments were finished we took Paul to El Yogurt Place, the organic restaurant down the street. Then we took a stroll on the beach and made a couple phone calls from the high point there were our cell phones got reception. After all the walking I was pretty wiped, so I slept for about three hours at the end of the afternoon. We took a few photos, so I’ve downloaded them for you. More tomorrow!
Dan

Saturday, January 25, 2003 at 02:57 PM (CST)

It is a gorgeous Tijuana Saturday, and we’re thinking about going to soak up some sun on the beach. I’m simply trying to make you jealous—is it working? I have a pretty light treatment schedule today, so we’re going to try to have some fun. My stamina seems to be increasing—we walked this morning at a slower pace and I haven’t been as tired today as I was after my first couple days of walking.

Buck and his wife Phyllis are two rooms down from us, and Buck just burst into our room with tears in his eyes. I thought he wanted us to pray for him or something. Instead, he had come to tell us that the tumor on Phyllis’s liver had shrunk by 40 % while they have been here. He was so overwhelmed with joy he hugged us both. (We just met him two days ago, but relationships go deep pretty quick here!) Buck said “What God did for Phyllis, He can do for you!” No question.

Tammy went in to talk to Phyllis after she heard the news. Phyllis said she read my book while they were waiting for her scan results. She told Tammy that for the first time ever, she made a conscious decision to surrender her life to Christ as she finished the book. What a gift the book has been from the Lord—to us first and foremost! Tammy said last night, “The message of this book is really for us isn’t it.” My answer: “Yep.” We are the ones He has desired to lead to a place called Surrender. We are the ones who need to see His face in the midst of the pain. We are the ones who have been blessed with a joy that has nothing to do with circumstances.

The message of the book is that this is another opportunity. An opportunity to encounter Him—the Source of Joy. It’s an opportunity to experience His sufficiency in ways that we never have before because the pit is deeper now, the water is higher, the enemies are more numerous. In the midst of all this, the rest is sweeter. The victory is greater. His presence is more discernible.

“He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because He delighted in me.” Psalm 18:16-19

Thanks for praying! More soon…

Dan

Friday, January 24, 2003 at 06:15 PM (CST)

Hi again! Wanted to send a brief update along with the hospital address. The mailing address is Oasis of Hope Hospital, PO Box 439045, San Ysidro, CA, 92143.

We walked on the boardwalk this morning for a half hour and that did me in for the rest of the morning. I did my other treatments but was exhausted, and spent most of the morning in bed. I don’t have the stamina that I used to, and it is hard for me to accept that. Like I shared yesterday, the battle we fight is an effort to keep our eyes on the Lord and His goodness when everything natural about us wants to focus on the physical issues going on. More symptoms are popping up, and they beg for my attention.

There was a time when this battle was purely spiritual and emotional. It is now becoming physical as well. This simply means we need to be prepared to fight every minute of the day. The symptoms can either discourage and distract, or they can be a reminder of our absolute dependence on God. For today, I will choose to depend and rest! God continually reminds me that even though the opposing army is getting bigger in my eyes, it is no more difficult for Him to heal now than it ever was when tumors were smaller.

We had a great time of worship last night with some other patients at the prayer meeting. We meet twice each week to share testimonies and to pray for each other. It is a great time to build relationships, and it is encouraging to hear what God has done in the lives of the others who are there. We brought a stack of books and most of the patients had read them by morning.

For those of you intrigued with blood and medicine, I met with my doctor again this morning and he is starting me on some aspirin as an anti-clotting measure. I didn’t know this but having all the port tubes in my veins raise the risk of a blood clot. Something to pray about.

Yesterday God reminded me in my devotions about all the ways that He has encountered us since this journey began. I was amazed as I once again thought about His faithfulness to us, and the love that He has shown us. He has been so personal, so real, so obviously passionately in love with us. Looking back with a grateful heart makes looking ahead so much easier.

I said this was going to be short. I guess I still have some preacher in me! Have a great weekend!

Dan
PS- My buddy Paul is coming to visit tomorrow, and he’s bringing his digital camera. We’ll post lots of pictures over the weekend!

Thursday, January 23, 2003 at 06:53 PM (CST)

Now would be a good time to say "Hola Amigos!" We made it safely to San Diego Tuesday ahead of all the Super Bowlers and were picked up by the hospital shuttle van to be brought to the hospital.

I met with my doctor briefly yesterday morning and he scheduled the catheter-installation surgery for the afternoon. The reason I needed another catheter is because the oxygen treatment demands a double-lumen catheter and the one I have already is a single-lumen. What's a lumen? I have no idea. Anyway, now I have several. I think of them as barrels. I have a double barrel for oxygen treatment and a single barrel for everything else.

The surgery went fairly well--only took a couple tries to get the catheter tube in place. I spent the rest of the day in bed recovering. My chest and shoulder feel much improved today, and in a few days they said I shouldn't feel pain there at all.

I had my first oxygen treatment this morning, where they remove blood from my catheter and run it through an oxygenating machine and then run it back into my body. It went well, and I didn't notice any side affects.

We felt really alone last night and then realized that the first time we came here it took awhile to get to know the other patients. In our minds it was like we had always known everyone. We prayed and asked God to build some bridges to other people and we have had some wonderful opportunities to do that over the last few meals.

Tammy and I walked on the beach this morning which was exilerating. I was having a hard time staying consistent with my walks in the Minnesota cold. It was about 75 degrees here today. I'm convinced all hospitals should be in warm weather climates!

We are thankful for the time of solitude to spend with each other and with God, and later with a couple friends who are coming to visit. Our prayer would be that we can continue to focus on what God is teaching us and what He's saying to us instead of on the medical situation. There is nothing encouraging about what is happening in my body, but everything about the Lord is encouraging. Thanks for your prayers, e-mails, and the notes of encouragement on the web-site. They minister to us daily.

I'll let you know the Oasis address tomorrow. We want mail :) You may draw pictures, you may send recipes, you may tell Ole and Lena jokes, we don't care! It would make our day to hear from you. God bless!

Saturday, January 18, 2003 at 06:31 PM (CST)

Hey friends and family-
God never ceases to amaze me. Once again, he has provided the funds necessary to pay for our entire hospital bill. Can you believe it! We don't have exact numbers yet, but it appears that around $20,000 has either come in or been pledged to come! His methods are never the same, but every time it is a beautiful thing to watch. I can't tell you how grateful we are to you and to Him who is the giver of every good and perfect gift!

The students at Western Christian raised just under $9,000 themselves! Only God knew that He would have me there to speak this week. Only God knew He would use the students there to provide for us. Only He could do a work in their hearts that would cause them to even want to give! His timing is impeccable!

Our plan right now is to leave for Mexico on Tuesday. Unless God heals me before then. In which case, we might just go to Mexico anyway to bring them a box of books. We have donors helping us to give one book to every patient in the hospital there. Isn't that awesome!

We had a wonderful prayer service last night at Maple Grove Evangelical Free Church. It really was more of a worship service than anything else. Tammy especially has been camping on 2 Chronicles 20 where the people of Judah worshipped God before they saw the victory. That is what we feel led to do as well. Thank you to all of you who prayed even though not present with us physically.

Unless something changes, I'll update next time from sunny Tijuana. We love you!

Dan (for the rest of the Roelofs!)

Thursday, January 16, 2003 at 10:36 PM (CST)

I have been involved in ministry for several years, and yet I'm not sure I have ever seen a move of God like I observed this week at Western Christian High School. I now have a little better understanding why there was so much spiritual warfare last week. God had plans that none of us knew about, and it was beautiful to watch.

It is hard to put into words the spirit that existed in the chapel services. It was as if God came and pitched his tent and just poured out his love on the students there. They responded with passion. When the third chapel was over, the worship leader, Dave Lubben, invited the audience to applaud the God who had visited us. They gave God a standing ovation that seemed to go on and on. It brings tears to my eyes to think about it.

After the last chapel was complete, there were about 20-25 students who gathered around me to pray for me. They poured out their hearts to God on my behalf. I couldn't contain my emotion--not only because I was touched by their love, but because my heart was so full of gratitude to God for what He had done in these students' lives.

On their own, the students at the school initiated a medical expense fund for me. A student just e-mailed me and said there is now over $6,000 in the fund. Can you believe that?!

Let me just say this to all of you students and staff and faculty at Western--I love you! Thank you for allowing me to be a part of what God is doing in your midst! I had hoped I could be a blessing to you, but you were a greater blessing to me! Thank you as well to the Moms in Touch group who prayed with me each morning. God is answering your prayers!

I also got to visit Hull Christian and Rock Valley Christian Schools. Both groups of students and staff have prayed fervently for us and have been incredibly gracious to us. I drove back to Minneapolis today feeling unbelievably blessed by God for His grace to me this week.

Our treasurer told us tonight that we are past half way toward our goal of $20,000. Praise God! We are still tentative as to when we will leave for Mexico as we have a few details to work out with the hospital. We'll keep in touch!

Celebrating the awesomeness of God,
Dan

PS- I am so sorry, but we seem to have sold out of almost all the books already in a week. God had plans for it that we did not know about! We are having more printed. You might have to wait a little bit, but if you want one, we'll get you one!

Tuesday, January 14, 2003 at 09:11 PM (CST)

Hi gang. Those of you who are praying for our time at Western Christian High School need to know that prayers are being answered! God is breaking down walls and students are opening up to us about their lives. There has been a distinct sense of the Holy Spirit's presence during chapel. One more day tomorrow--can't wait to see what God does!

I forgot to give you an important piece of info yesterday. If you want to give to the Mexico medical expense fund, checks can be made out to Woodland Fellowship Benevolent fund. They can still be sent to Cindy Jacob at 936 Jefferson St. in Anoka, MN 55303.

I finally got in touch with my oncologist today in Mexico. He encouraged me to get down there as soon as we could, and we'll get the same treatments that helped me so much the first time. We are hoping to leave on Sunday, but we'll see how the Lord provides and directs.

Thanks for praying!!!!

Monday, January 13, 2003 at 03:00 PM (CST)

Hi again. I have been in touch with the hospital in Mexico today and have been told that the doc I need to talk to is booked all day. We have a phone appointment for tomorrow.

Some of you have been asking how to give toward our medical fund, and I didn't want to publish that earlier, not knowing if we are going for sure or not. It is very likely that we will go as soon as we can make arrangements. Funds can be sent to Cindy Jacob, Woodland Fellowship Treasurer, 936 Jefferson St. Anoka, MN 55303. Please make a note in the memo about what it is for. If you want to wait until you know for sure that we are going, we will post a note tomorrow evening after talking with my doctor. How much will it cost? Likely around $20,000. Another opportunity to see God do a miracle.

Thank you for praying for me this morning. God gave me the strength to give a message to the students at Western Christian, and I sensed the presence and power of God in the chapel service. Pray for those who gave their hearts to Christ this morning.

Another note about the books--if you would like an order form, just send me an e-mail at droelofs@charter.net, and I'll e-mail you the form. If you live in the Twin Cities, books can be purchased at the ElkRiver TCF, First Baptist Church of Anoka, and the Maple Grove Evangelical Free Church. We are running out quickly, because we have had to ship some of them back as they were printed incorrectly. We will fill the orders as soon as we possibly can.

We are so grateful for your love and prayers. More news soon-
Dan

Saturday, January 11, 2003 at 10:48 PM (CST)

Hello prayer warriors. I don't know where we'd be without you!
The scan results were less than favorable. The word "multiple" was used several times in the report, and each time referring to new tumor growth--kidneys, adrenal gland, and unattached in my abdomen. Lung tumors still growing. All of this has been since September, the last time I had my abdomen scanned.

As you can imagine, the news threw us for a loop. I put my head down on my desk and wanted to cry, but tears wouldn't come. I went for a walk, because Tammy wasn't home yet to share the news with. When I came back, she had seen the fax on my desk and was trembling.

We have since done much talking and praying together. Last night we left town and gracious friends took our kids overnight. We went to a bed and breakfast to pray. God gave Tammy a wonderful night of sleep (she hadn't slept much the night before), and He met us in the Word again. Just hearing His voice makes any challenge seem not-so-insurmountable. I went back to the passages that have meant so much to us--Psalm 91, 2 Chronicles 20, Psalm 116.

We are assured of His love, and know that our only rest is in surrender. He is teaching us so much! I said to Tammy before we went to sleep, "If God allows me to live, our life is going to be incredibly rich!" His love truly is better than life! I feel like I am beginning to understand what it means to hold nothing back from God and to free-fall into His strong arms. I feel so safe in Him.

I am studying Blackaby's "Created to Be God's Friend." That is what I feel like this is about. God is asking us to lay down everything that we would cling to in order that we can embrace Him, even if that means my life. In the end we will know Him more intimately, trust Him absolutely, and obey Him more faithfully.

We feel like God is leading us back to Mexico. We are hoping that what worked the first time to turn the tide will work again. We are planning to leave in about a week if God grants us the funds to go. Why do I say if. I know that He will if that is where He wants us. I will let you know on Monday after talking to my oncologist.

By the way, here is some God-sized news. The local TCF bank called and asked if they could display and sell my book "A Place Called Surrender" in the lobby. Can you believe that?! A politically incorrect book about the Great Physician for sale in a public place! Tammy talked to them and said "You do know we are Christians and the book is about God, right?" They are handling all the finances for us. Totally God! We now have books at Maple Grove EFC, First Baptist Anoka, and the Elk River TCF Bank.

This is really long, and I'm sorry for the rambling. I'm leaving tomorrow for Iowa to spend time with Mom and Dad and speak at some Christian schools. I will need much God-energy. Thanks for praying. Don't give up hope because we haven't! God is big and He's on our side!

Wednesday, January 08, 2003 at 11:05 PM (CST)

Well, we're back in the thick of the battle again. I have been feeling a lump on my back for the last couple weeks--just to the left of my spine. The doctor said yesterday that it is definitely not a muscle or normal growth. Today I had an extensive CT scan of my chest and abdomen. We were supposed to hear this afternoon what the results were. This wasn't part of God's plan apparently. The doc hasn't called.

Yesterday I battled fear off and on all day. Tonight God's peace has again filled me, and He is giving me a new perspective on the whole situation. As it has been in each time previous, the outward, physical stuff is just a tool in God's hand to teach us something inwardly. God is teaching again. Everything has been laid bare again, and we are clinging to God with everything in us.

I'm praising God tonight for His victory--to know joy and peace in the midst of this is nothing less than supernatural. Neither life nor death nor angels nor demons nor anything else in all creation can separate us from the love of God that is ours in Christ!

By the way, if you have ordered a book, it may be a few days in coming. We have gotten a bunch of orders, and life events have kept us spending many hours in doctor's offices. We will get them to you though!

This week has been a huge spiritual battle. If you are one who prays, please pray that we will continue to appropriate the victory Christ paid for!

This is ruthless trust. There are no supports but God Himself. You always wonder if He will be enough. He is.
Hallelujah!

Sunday, January 05, 2003 at 10:07 PM (CST)

Happy New Year! We got some good news to start the new year. (Nothing to do with my health, sorry!) The book I wrote has been printed and is available to order if you'd like one. The title is "A Place Called Surrender." All the pieces came together in a remarkably short time, and we've been able to see God's hand in all of this.

We have been waiting to see if Harvest House or Gospel Light would publish it, but in the meantime, people at Freedom In Christ suggested we have it printed so that we could sell copies wherever I go to speak. We put together a publishing company which basically consists of a writer, a layout and design artist, an editor, and a printer. The end result is One Passion Publishing, and a new book. I am planning to expand the book and reformat it into something that is less autobiographical, but for now we are praying that God can use the story the book contains to encourage people in their faith.

If you'd like a copy, just send me an e-mail at droelofs@charter.net and I will send you an order form attachment.

One more thing. I will be speaking next week at Western Christian High School for their spiritual emphasis week. Western is my alma mater, in Hull, Iowa. As I've prayed about this event, I have felt strongly impressed to recruit other pray-ers. I really believe God wants to do something special there, and prayer is part of making it happen. If you feel led too, pray for our time together which is January 13-15. While you're at it, you can pray for the students at Central Minnesota Christian, where I'll be sharing my testimony on January 17.

God's blessings on you in this new year!

Dan
PS- More Cozumel pictures loaded!

Tuesday, December 24, 2002 at 09:30 PM (CST)

Merry Christmas!

The Roelofs family is enjoying a quiet Christmas Eve at home after a whirlwind weekend, and we hope you are having a wonderful time celebrating the birth of the King. I shared my last message as the pastor of Woodland Fellowship tonight at our Christmas Eve service. Hard to believe.

We've had some extra time for reflection this season, thanks to the leadership of the Baptist General Conference, the denomination I pastor in. They called two weeks ago and said "We were talking about how we might support you. How would you like to go to Cozumel in the next two weeks?" They had access to a condo that wasn't being rented in December and so they sent our whole family to the beach on this tropical island for a week! It was an unbelievable gift--a family memory that we will cherish forever. Can you believe the goodness of God?!

We spent time at the beach every day--snorkeling, swimming, and basically just relaxing. It was just what the doctor ordered. It was the first time I have snorkeled in the ocean, and the first time I've been in water for a year. The nurses removed my port needle so I wouldn't risk an infection, and told me to have at it! It was awesome. The colors were incredible, and I had no idea there were so many different kinds of fish.

We were able to step back from our busy lives in order to listen more attentively to God and to enjoy each other. We just plain had a blast!

Now we are wrapping things up at Woodland and preparing for our next step. We had a day with Tammy's family yesterday, and are looking forward to a couple days with my family over New Year's. We've been so blessed by your kindness through cards, letters, and gifts. Have a blessed Christmas!

Dan and Tammy
PS--finally added some new pictures!

Saturday, December 07, 2002 at 11:54 PM (CST)

Hello again!

I’m going to try to answer the question asked often lately by people concerned about us. “What are you going to do now? How will you pay your bills? Are you going to move?” OK, sorry, that was three questions.

It might seem that to step down from a job that has been our financial security would be either somewhat irresponsible or crazy or a huge step of faith. I would like to think of it as a step of faith, although the other two scenarios might apply as well! Actually, it doesn’t require all that much faith. When you look at how God has taken care of us in the past, it would be fairly ridiculous to stop trusting God now. When your life is on the line, finances are a very, very small thing.

However, as He always has in the past, God has closed one door, and opened another. As I shared in an earlier entry, regardless of where I am or where our life circumstances take us, I will continue to passionately communicate with people about the things God is teaching me. There are a couple means toward this end that I can employ and they are writing and speaking. Both can be done in a very limited amount of time, which is what I have left after treatments.

Tammy and I have been graciously invited by Freedom In Christ Ministries to be a part of their staff as one of their communicators. Their desire is to see a couple things happen in our lives: 1) To beat cancer. 2) To speak and write when I have time.
The intention is to focus as much energy as possible on getting better, but to still have an outlet to share the wonders of the grace of God in our lives.

Freedom in Christ is a ministry that Tammy and I worked with as interns from 1994-1996. It was a great experience for us, and the staff members there are still dear friends. The ministry is based in Knoxville, Tennessee, but it is not necessary for us to move there.

The aim of the ministry is to use conferences and books and videos as an avenue to share life-changing Truth with teens, college students, and adults. The mission of FIC is to equip and resource the Body of Christ to be alive and free in Him. If you are totally unfamiliar with the name Freedom in Christ, it is possible that you have seen books written by Dr. Neil Anderson, the President Emeritus, like The Bondage Breaker, or Victory Over the Darkness, or Living Free in Christ. Neil and the Director of the Youth Ministry, Dave Park, have radio bytes that you may have heard on your local Christian station.

The FIC staff people are supported financially in a couple ways. First, they raise missionary support. Second, they receive some income through honorariums from speaking engagements, and conferences. We are not going to call people or set up appointments to seek out prayer or financial support. Because of my health situation, we simply don’t have the time or the energy. If you would like to find out more about how to support us, just send us an e-mail, and we will contact you. You need to know up front that until I am free of cancer, the majority of my time will go toward my cancer-fighting regimen.

Again, God is removing yet another prop in our lives to keep us totally dependent on Him. Where once this situation would have created great fear, it is now giving us a sense of joy and anticipation. Whenever God has taken away something that we were depending on apart from Him, His replacement has been incredible. We have come to expect that. I can honestly say there is no way I’d rather live.

What a joy it is to celebrate Christmas with my family. A year ago I only hoped I’d see this day. I am so grateful! Thank you for persevering on this journey with us. We can’t believe that people are still praying after all this time! We love you—

Dan and Tammy

Monday, November 25, 2002 at 07:48 PM (CST)

Yesterday I made public one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make in my life. I told Woodland Fellowship that I was stepping down from my role as Lead Pastor.

I'm not sure which was more difficult--making the decision or telling these people that I love. Fortunately, God gave me the strength I needed to get through my message and the reasons that I believe this is what He would have us to do.

Leading a church while battling cancer has never been easy, but at the same time I have always known that this isn't about taking the easy road. It's about obedience to God. I knew He called me to plant this church, and therefore stepping down was never an option in my mind. Until the last few weeks. Several things happened in rapid succession that led me to believe the best thing for my health and the well-being of my family was for me to step down.

It will be impossible for me to explain all of what God has been doing and saying in my life over the last few months to lead me to this point, but I will attempt to share the primary reasons.

When I went to Mexico in September, I had no idea how much energy the ministry was taking from me. I found out when I slept for most of the first three days I was in the hospital. While there, God was speaking to me through a book and through His Word about my identity not coming from what I do. It seemed that He wanted to weaken my grip on the ministry at Woodland. It was a great time for me to separate myself from all that I was doing for Him to just sit at His feet and worship Him. Only recently did I begin to understand how significant this message would be.

On November 11, Tammy called me with the news that my tumors had grown fairly dramatically. It was the most growth measured since before going to Mexico the first time. I told her over the phone that I would do whatever it takes to get better. I was all ears before God.

Two days later we went to my doctor. After doing some tests, she said to me, "Your body is stressed. Tell me why." My answer was that when I am doing treatment, my work is piling up. The phone calls still come, the e-mails still come, and my Sunday message is still waiting. When things like surgeries and port-needle changes and multiple doctor appointments happen, the work doesn't go away, and I can't help but think about it.

At the same time, when I am working and attending to the normal things that church planters do, I generally haven't had time to stay focused on all the aspects of the regimen that I have been given by the doctors. I did what I could and trusted the rest to God. The result of all this was that my body was in a state the doctor compared to "running from a lion." She gave me the bottom line very quickly. "You will not get better living like this." She suggested that I needed to step down from my position at church for the sake of my health.

The next day I called my mentor to ask his opinion. I knew he was fairly unbiased because he wasn't a church member, and he isn't immediate family. He said "I was thinking you probably ought to do this (step down) six months ago."

A short time later a friend called who had been at the hospital the same time we were. Her husband's diagnosis was the same as mine--stage IV malignant melanoma. She happened to be going through some paperwork and saw our number so she called to see how we were doing. I shared an update and then asked "How's Brian?" Her answer--"He passed away." We talked some more, and she shared some of the grief of her loss. I told her the decision I was thinking about. She said, "I wish Brian would have stopped working earlier. He was in a stressful environment, and yet he didn't want to stop until he was totally physically unable. Now he's gone."

Tammy and I talked and prayed. I read through my journals to see what God has been saying to me over the past few months. At one point, Tammy and I looked at each other and said, "Is there still something we need to hear from God?" It was becoming pretty obvious to both of us that He was speaking to us through several different people and situations. As hard as it was to lay down this dream of planting a church, it was very apparent that God wanted it to happen, and if we have learned anything in the last year, it is that He is worthy to be followed, trusted, and obeyed. So that is what we will do. Pastors are easier to replace than daddies. And I want to be a daddy as long as I possibly can!

A natural question arises: "What will you do now?" We don't completely know the answer to that question. I hope to be able to tell you in a week. Regardless of where I am or what I'm doing, I will continue to write and speak about the God I'm in love with. He is pointing us toward some things that would allow us to focus the bulk of my time on getting better. He has always provided for us before, and I have no reason to start doubting Him now.

We've taken another step in the journey. God's presence is as real now as it ever has been, and for that we are grateful. It has been difficult, but we are not discouraged. God has been so faithful to speak to us and to reveal his will to us. There is unbelievable comfort in knowing that this step has been ordered by Him, and He's walking with us. In one sense, it feels like the weight of the world (this decision) has been removed from my shoulders!

Thank you so much for your love and prayers. We hope you have a blessed Thanksgiving!

Love,

Dan and Tammy

Wednesday, November 13, 2002 at 11:14 AM (CST)

It's Wednesday morning, and I wanted to send another update--not because anything has changed medically, but because I wanted you to be able to see God's goodness to us in the events of the last couple days.

We desperately wanted to find out the scan results on Thursday...which turned into Friday, and then Saturday. We missed each call from the doctor. You wonder what God is up to when things like that happen. Looking back now, I see that God wanted me totally undistracted as I shared with the people at North Hills Community Church in Greenville. I sensed great liberty to give glory to God for what He's done in our lives. The scan was the furthest thing from my mind.

Finally the results came to us on Monday. I happened to be out of town, away from distractions, with a grteat friend in the midst of the most beautiful setting imaginable. As we prayed together, God reminded me of the very words that I shared with the church on Sunday. Words from 2 Chronicles 20. The same words God spoke to me the day after we were told by doctors in Illinois that there was nothing more they could do.

In the passage, Jehoshaphat and the people of Judah were facing a vast army that was coming to attack. They sought the Lord for wisdom, and said "We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you." There is incredible peace in that place. We don't have to know what to do, because as we fix our eyes on Him we realize He is more than capable of showing us what He wants to do next. He has done it before and He will do it again. I know it is supernatural, a gift from God, but once again I have no fear. What a gift is this peace that goes beyond understanding!

Incidentally, in the passage about Jehoshaphat, the next thing God told him was that they should not be discouraged and that they should not fear. Both are tools of the enemy, and praise God, they have no place in our lives. Then God said, "You will not have to fight this battle. It is the Lord's." They chose to worship God, and God fought for them. They didn't have to strategize, figure out how to solve the problem. That isn't what God wanted from them. He wanted their worship, their adoration, their undivided attention. They worshiped, and God destroyed their enemy. What a plan.

God's word to Judah has been His word to us. You worship, I'll fight. I feel so freed up to trust Him. I can't wait to see what He does next.

We love you all and thank God daily for your prayers and encouragement.

Dan and Tammy

Monday, November 11, 2002 at 10:01 PM (CST)

We finally had the report of the scan results faxed to us today. Not what we were hoping for. Both of the tumors on my left lung have grown since the last scan. Both have increased by about one third in size. The right lung appears to be clear.

Tammy called me with the news since I'm in South Carolina. It was a hard conversation to have while so far from home.

I'm here because I came to see my friend Ross and his family and had the privilege of sharing my testimony at his church yesterday. So many people here have been praying for me, and I have been longing to meet them. It was great to worship with them and see their faces.

After talking to Tammy and my other family members on the phone, Ross and I drove to a lake situated in the hills, with the Blue Ridge Mountains in the distance. We sat in silence while we watched God do his thing. Birds singing. Leaves changing colors. Sun setting. It had been cloudy all day, but the last half hour before the sun went down the clouds parted and the sun spread its brilliance across the sky. We prayed and once again entrusted our lives into God's hands.

It gave me great comfort to know that my life is in the hands of the God who spoke the lake, the birds, the mountains and the sunset into existence. I know He cares. It's impossible to say what's ahead, but I know God is there, and He's enough.

Friday, November 08, 2002 at 10:16 PM (CST)

It's Friday night and I still don't know scan results. I called the hospital and they said they hadn't seen a report at 7 pm. They said I'd probably have to wait until Monday. Then around 8:00 tonight the doctor called and I was on a date with Tammy--the room was noisy and I didn't hear my phone ringing in my coat pocket. Ugh. Guess I'll wait until Monday. Waiting is not a skill I've developed yet apparently. I'm doing it as fast as I can. Good thing God's in control.

Friday, November 08, 2002 at 08:00 AM (CST)

It's Friday morning as I write....still waiting. The doctor's office called last night and said the report hadn't gotten to them yet. They expect it today. I'll write another update as soon as I find out the results. Thanks for praying in the meantime--
Dan

Monday, November 04, 2002 at 09:55 PM (CST)

Hello friends and family-
Just wanted to send a quick note to let you know that I'll be having another scan on Wednesday. It seems like it hasn't been very long since the last one, which was the first week in September. So much has happened since then--treatment in Mexico, a bacterial infection, 2 weeks without laetrile, and a couple surgeries. It's hard to guess what the end result of all this will be.

God continues to reassure us of His presence, His power, and His love, and that takes the fear out of waiting.

I had the privilege of sharing my testimony at the Minnesota Baptist Conference annual meeting last week. One of the passages God impressed on me to share is from Psalm 4. Verses 7 and 8 say "You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound. I will lie down and sleep in peace, because you alone O Lord make me dwell in safety." There is a joy that is greater than having things go your way. It is greater than success. Greater than a new house or a more prestigious job. Greater than good health and obedient kids. Greater than a problem-free life. It's the joy of drawing near to the One and Only, the Savior of the World--and being His companion through life's joy and pain.

It is that joy that allows me to lie down and sleep in peace tonight and every other night.

A fellow cancer patient called today and told me she was struggling with anxiety. She said "I get crazy with worry and can't think straight." I've been there. But then she said, "I don't know what to do." Thankfully, I have not been there. God has always been by my side, turning my eyes toward Himself. My heart went out to her because even though I have shared with her the reason for my joy and peace, she doesn't believe it for herself. She said, "I know Jesus was a good man, and a great prophet. But I don't believe He was anything more than that." And then she asked if I knew of a good therapist. The bumper sticker is true--Know Jesus, know peace. No Jesus, no peace.

I guess if Jesus is just a great prophet, then I would have no reason for joy, no reason to sleep in peace and safety. But, on the other hand, if He is the Creator of the Universe, the Alpha and Omega, the Author of Life, the Risen Lord, then every day becomes a celebration! Every day is a worship service! If He calmed a storm he can calm a heart. If he healed a leper he can certainly heal a cancer patient.

So much in life boils down to what we believe about Jesus. I guess you know where I stand. If you don't know what to believe about Him, find a Bible and read the book of John. Listen to His voice. Watch what He does. Then decide. May God bless you in your search for Life.

Monday, October 28, 2002 at 10:38 PM (CST)

It's a Monday. Sabbath day at the Roelofs. Sunday might be a day of rest for most, but not for us. We have been struggling to implement God's gift of rest for a day a week. It is amazing how difficult it is to stop checking e-mail, turn off phones, and put away the to-do list. However difficult it may be, my soul desperately needs it.

I'm finding that there is no amount of sleep, no amount of NFL football, no amount of being entertained that really refreshes me the way I am refreshed when God breaks the silence and lets me hear His voice. To encounter Him is to encounter passion, energy, refreshment.

I need at least one day a week to be reminded that no matter how fast I may run on the other six days, I won't be satisfied unless it is Him I'm pursuing. One thing this journey has revealed is how many other things I've been chasing. Worthless things, really. Especially when compared to the thrill of being in the presence of the One who spoke the universe into existence. And to think He knows my name. Unbelievable.

Tammy hid Reid's blanket the other day. Wow did he cry. For a few minutes. He hasn't missed it since. (He had previously been attached to it like a slug on a rock.) I feel like God is doing that in my life--using great pressure to pry away things I didn't need but really wanted. Sometimes I feel like Reid bawling on the floor. I asked God today why it hurts so much. He seemed to say that sometimes idols have to be smashed in pieces before we stop trying to suck life out of them--before we stop trying to make them fill us up.

I know He only does it to give me something far greater--the gift of Himself. He's still pursuing. For that I'm grateful. "We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure... But this happened that we might not depend on ourselves, but on God who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many." 2 Corinthians 1:8-11

I sure couldn't have said it better.

Dan

Tuesday, October 22, 2002 at 05:42 PM (CDT)

Hi again-
I finally had my port accessed yesterday, which means they put in the needle and attached tubing so that I can inject laetrile directly again. I used it last night and it worked! I'm back in the saddle again.

Recently we found out about a doctor at the National Institute of Health who developed a vaccine which is working very well with melanoma. It is still fairly experimental, but sounds like great news to those who qualify. We are planning to look into it at the very least.

Hope you are enjoying the fall weather--we pretty much skipped fall and dove into winter. Taylor and Reid have been having snowball fights with the neighborhood kids the last few days. I'll write more soon-
Dan
PS--New pictures finally.

Wednesday, October 16, 2002 at 08:49 PM (CDT)

Well, another surgery has come and gone, and everything seemed to go pretty well. We took Reid along just to keep things lively in the pre-operation waiting area. He was delighted to find out there was a VCR in my room, so he watched Veggie Tales and didn't seem too bothered by all the needles and stuff. It took him about 5 minutes to get to be best friends with the attending nurses.

The surgery itself took just over an hour, and I was completely out for the whole thing which was fine with me. I slept the rest of the day and am thinking about heading back to bed again. Recovery from last week's surgery was pretty quick, but I think this time will take longer because of the hardware under my skin. My right shoulder feels like someone dropped a bowling ball on it.

Just wanted you to know God answered prayer again. Good night, and thank you so much for praying!
Dan

Tuesday, October 15, 2002 at 05:11 PM (CDT)

Hi all-
I just got word that the next surgery in the series will be tomorrow at 11:30am. This is becoming all too familiar! Hopefully this will be the last one in awhile, and I can continue with the treatment. The plan is to put a new port on the other side of my chest, just below the clavicle. It will be implanted right underneath the skin, and has a wire that goes directly to the heart. It is a really efficient way of getting laetrile throughout my body in a hurry.

The insurance thing doesn't seem to be an issue so far. Normally, they would not want to do a procedure for any treatment other than traditional medicine. We wanted to be up-front with them so we asked if they had a problem with doing this procedure even though we are using the port for alternative medicine. They said they didn't have a problem with it. God appears to be paving the way!

Talk to you more soon!
Dan

PS- As I write, my neighbor is mowing my lawn again for the fourth time since I left for Mexico. He just waves when he comes past my office window. God is taking good care of us, and He's humbling me. I feel this enormous debt of gratitude to him and to so many of you who have served us in so many ways since I've been sick. Much of it I know we'll never be able to pay back. I hate that. I'm starting to understand grace. You can't earn it, you don't deserve it, and you feel like you want to repay it but realize it is a far greater debt than you could ever pay. God is so good.

Tuesday, October 08, 2002 at 04:30 PM (CDT)

Hi prayer team!
I just woke up and thought I'd test my coherency! Vicadin is a wonderful thing :) Everything went well this morning and they were able to close the wound back up after removing the port. Sometimes there is so much infection that they have to leave it open to let the air at the bacteria, but not in my case. The morning went really fast, and we were back home early this afternoon.

One more surgery to go to put another one in, and I should be ready to start taking Laetrile again. Thanks for covering me in prayer this morning!

I thought I'd attach the intro to the book I wrote while I was in Mexico, since I have space and it applies. Here it is:

Title: A Place Called Surrender

Dedication:
To Taylor James and Reid Daniel

Whether I go home to be with Jesus soon or live to be a grandpa to your children, I want you to know that God is pursuing you because He is in love with you. I wrote down some of the things He has done because I don’t want you to ever forget them. God is so good—better than we can even imagine-- regardless of what our circumstances might seem to tell us about Him. There is no greater adventure than that of following Him. My prayer for you is that one day, God will lead you to the place called surrender, where you desire nothing more, and nothing less, than Him.
Dad

Introduction

Although the stories of our lives are different, the Pursuer of our hearts is passionately seeking to lead us all to one place; a place called surrender. The pages of this book are the tale of one person’s journey toward that place. They are written in the hope that you might be able to see His hand in your story. Regardless of whether we are always aware of it or not, the Lover of Our Souls is pursuing us with reckless abandon. Not to harm us, or to demand obedience, but to give us a gift.

His voice is never silent, although few stop long enough to listen. He beckons us through the beauty of a sunset, or the splendor of a star-filled night sky. His calls to us in the delivery room as we see a baby take its first breath, or as the words of a worship tune echo in our mind. But the simple joys of this life are not his only mouthpiece. Sometimes His voice is most clearly heard in our greatest disappointments, in our moments of deepest pain. C.S. Lewis once said, “God whispers to us in our joy, and he shouts in our pain.”

Regardless of how God speaks, the truth is that He is speaking. He is pursuing. Can you see Him? Do you recognize His voice in the midst of your joy and pain? The gift that He seeks to give is far greater than what we might imagine. It often comes in a package we didn’t anticipate. It isn’t the gift of blessings—a great job, good kids, more money, influential ministry, or close friends. It isn’t the gift of a smoother life—fewer problems, fewer arguments, fewer defiant kids, or fewer months of unemployment. It is the gift of Himself.

In order for us to hear His voice, it is obvious that He must have our attention. God is infinitely creative in the methods he employs to take our wandering eyes and rivet them on Himself. It’s not that we don’t want to look at Him or listen to Him. Usually, we just don’t see how badly we need to, or that we don’t understand the depth of the joy we will find when we do. The result: busy people with lives that are far more empty than we would want to admit.

You might say that the story which follows is the story of how God got my undivided attention, and of the things I saw and heard once I began to look and listen more closely.

Monday, October 07, 2002 at 12:30 PM (CDT)

Hi-
We're making some progress in our quest to get rid of this blood infection. I had a pre-operation physical today and am scheduled for surgery tomorrow morning at 8:00. They will not reinstall a new port yet, so tomorrow is just the removal of the old one.

The doctor today mentioned that insurance might not cover the next port because I'm not using it for traditional medicine. My prayer would be that God would make a way for this to be taken care of. I definitely need to continue taking laetrile, and I'll need some sort of catheter to do it.

Thanks for holding us up-
Dan and Tammy

Thursday, October 03, 2002 at 03:44 PM (CDT)

Hi-
I'm back in the US of A and happy to be here. I spent the afternoon at a local hospital yesterday and after some hemming and hawing they put me on an oral antibiotic and told me they'd call me to schedule a surgery to remove the one port and install another.

I'm feeling alot better, and planning to speak Sunday at church. Thanks for praying!

Oh, and by the way, the money needed for the treatments in Mexico has all come in! God is faithful! Thank you so much to all who played a part. I really believe the trip was vital to my health. I not only got refreshed physically and spiritually, but I also learned alot about my treatment while I was there. I'm more focused than ever before on doing the program they've laid out for me.

The carrot juice awaits.

Monday, September 30, 2002 at 04:44 PM (CDT)

Hi gang-
It's Monday afternoon, and I'm thinking alot more clearly. I'm embarassed that I was so self-focused in my last entry. I know God has so much good in this, and whining does me no good.

Here is what has happened since Saturday. They gave me an IV antibiotic Saturday which led to round two of shakes, fever, etc. It didn't last as long as Friday, though. The Doc said this morning that the catheter is indeed polluted with bacteria, which then spreads it through my body whenever it is used. It will have to be surgically removed as soon as we can, but I'm going to come back to Minneapolis to have it done providing that I'm well enough to travel. I'm just so glad to be at the bottom of what was going on.

Interestingly enough, Thursday night is when I first started feeling the effects of the blood infection. An hour before, at dinner, another patient shared a CS Lewis quote with me, which I wrote down. It said, "We don't doubt that God has anything but his best in store for us, it's just that we fear how painful his best for us might be." I walked back to my room thinking, "Not me--I don't have any fear about what God's best for me might be." And then I started feeling sick.

It was almost as if God were saying, "Are you truly willing to suffer to go where I want to take you?" That is not as easy to answer as it might seem at first. I want to say "Yes!" with everything in me. I'd also like to arrange the terms. But, just as before, He has been so present and powerful in the midst of pain. The challenge is getting my eyes off of myself so that I can see what beautiful thing He is doing.

One of the things I've been doing in between treatments is writing a testimony in book form of the last 11 months, recording the work of God in my life, and that of our family. It has brought me right back to the hours and minutes and places and experiences where God has met us in the midst of cancer. God knew I needed to do this, if only for myself. My hope is that it will be meaningful to Taylor and Reid when they are old enough to better understand what God did in their parents lives.

I hope to fly home tomorrow, and probably get checked in at North Memorial on Wednesday, depending on when they set up the surgery. I'll write more when I get back. Thanks for your loving support-
Dan

Monday, September 30, 2002 at 04:44 PM (CDT)

Hi gang-
It's Monday afternoon, and I'm thinking alot more clearly. I'm embarassed that I was so self-focused in my last entry. I know God has so much good in this, and whining does me no good.

Here is what has happened since Saturday. They gave me an IV antibiotic Saturday which led to round two of shakes, fever, etc. It didn't last as long as Friday, though. The Doc said this morning that the catheter is indeed polluted with bacteria, which then spreads it through my body whenever it is used. It will have to be surgically removed as soon as we can, but I'm going to come back to Minneapolis to have it done providing that I'm well enough to travel. I'm just so glad to be at the bottom of what was going on.

Interestingly enough, Thursday night is when I first started feeling the effects of the blood infection. An hour before, at dinner, another patient shared a CS Lewis quote with me, which I wrote down. It said, "We don't doubt that God has anything but his best in store for us, it's just that we fear how painful his best for us might be." I walked back to my room thinking, "Not me--I don't have any fear about what God's best for me might be." And then I started feeling sick.

It was almost as if God were saying, "Are you truly willing to suffer to go where I want to take you?" That is not as easy to answer as it might seem at first. I want to say "Yes!" with everything in me. I'd also like to arrange the terms. But, just as before, He has been so present and powerful in the midst of pain. The challenge is getting my eyes off of myself so that I can see what beautiful thing He is doing.

One of the things I've been doing in between treatments is writing a testimony in book form of the last 11 months, recording the work of God in my life, and that of our family. It has brought me right back to the hours and minutes and places and experiences where God has met us in the midst of cancer. God knew I needed to do this, if only for myself. My hope is that it will be meaningful to Taylor and Reid when they are old enough to better understand what God did in their parents lives.

I hope to fly home tomorrow, and probably get checked in at North Memorial on Wednesday, depending on when they set up the surgery. I'll write more when I get back. Thanks for your loving support-
Dan

Saturday, September 28, 2002 at 01:59 PM (CDT)

Hi friends and family-
Wanted to share a brief update and prayer request with you. The past 48 hours are hours I’d rather forget. Thursday night I got cold and couldn’t get warm. I piled on the blankets but couldn’t shake the chills. I could feel my fever climbing all night. I slept a half hour at a time, longing for morning to come. One doctor came during the night and when I told him what I was experiencing he offered me a Tylenol. He wasn’t my doctor, and appeared clueless about my case.

My doctor finally came in the morning and ordered a blood culture to be taken. My fever continued. I had no appetite at all. Early in the afternoon my chills turned violent. I couldn’t control them anymore, and they were so intense I couldn’t get to my call button for the nurses station. I didn’t know what else to do so I just started yelling for help. After about ten minutes, the patient’s family next door heard me and went to get the nurses. The missionaries came in and prayed over me while we waited for the nurse to get something for the tremors. She came back with some type of muscle relaxant and gave me a hefty dose. It did nothing. She said it was all they could do, and that we had to let it run its course. Finally I started vomiting and when I was finished the tremors subsided. It was just like being under the effects of Interleukin, which I was treated with in Zion, except the tremors were more intense.

My brother Mark had already left for home, so the hospital missionary, a retired camp director from Wisconsin, stayed in my room the rest of the day and through the night. He has been very kind to me. My fever hasn’t gone away yet, but I feel much better. I actually slept really well last night, only waking up a few times.

Dr. Cecena came in this morning and said that there were evidences of blood-born infection on the culture, although they wouldn’t be able to have final results for 72 hours. He is going to start me on a general anti-biotic today in the hope of getting more specific with the antibiotic when the culture is finished. It looks like I won’t be going home on Tuesday after all.

A bacterial infection may seem like a negative thing, because it is so miserable to endure. At the time you wonder whether you’ll live through it. But, (and this is a big but!) one of the characteristics of cancer survivors is that most have had infections. The heat of the fever and the response of the body’s immune system is very injurious to cancer cells. Another thing I’m very thankful for is the fact that I was in a place where I could be helped when the reaction started. Had I been at home, I have no idea what I would have done.

Thank you to all of you who have been praying. Your prayers mean so much to me. I promise the next report I give will be a happy one!

In His Grip,
Dan

Wednesday, September 25, 2002 at 06:28 PM (CDT)

Here's the latest and greatest from the land where frijoles and tortillas are as plentiful as the sand on the seashore:

My brother Mark got here just in time for coffee on Monday morning. He drank his, mine went somewhere else. Coffee will never taste the same to Mark. Whenever it is referred to here, it is by someone with an enema bucket in their hand. Anyway.

After treatment on Monday we went to the ocean and watched a little show the dolphins were putting on. Very amazing and entertaining those animals are. Mark has been rudely awakened in the morning for the brisk walk on the ocean boardwalk whether he wants to or not. He's been a good sport about that, and the food, and the fact that you get numb body parts after sleeping for a half hour on the hospital beds. We've had some great talks, and it's been great to have a companion here.

Two miracles have happened in the past couple days that have been awesome to observe. One man came to this hospital with a blood PSA level of 132 because of his prostate cancer. (Normal is between 1 and 4) After three weeks of treatment his PSA was 8. Unbelievable.

Another woman who has been here the last three weeks came because she had liver metastases (2 tumors) which had spread from breast cancer. She got word today that in the last 2 1/2 weeks they shrank in half. She shared the news with me through tears of joy.

All that to say that I love what is happening at this place, and I am so blessed by God to be here. I can't see what's happening inside me, but I know it is good.

Today is Taylor's 7th birthday. I hate it that I can't be there with him. We did talk on the phone, and he seems to be having a great day. He said "Dad, having you home will be even better than getting presents and going to Chuck E Cheese. That's how much I love you." It made me want to come home today. I know I'm where I need to be though.

Our treasurer, Cindy, sent me an e-mail saying we had only $900 to go to reach our goal of paying for the $7000 bill. Praise God! And thank you! I'll write more soon-
Dan

Sunday, September 22, 2002 at 11:31 PM (CDT)

Time for another update! Today was a beautiful day in Tijuana—75 degrees and sunny. Dr. Contreras led the morning worship time, which was actually a clinical research study done on prayer. It has been scientifically proven that sick patients who are prayed for do considerably better than those who are not. Prayer just works. One more reason I am so glad to have you in my corner.

This week has been healing for me in so many ways. The first is that I have been sleeping more than I even thought possible. When you are pressing hard each day, life sometimes seems like a race, and there is no time to realize what is going on in your body. I was just plain tired, but really had no idea how tired I was. Since your body heals while you are sleeping, I wasn’t giving my body the chance to heal that it needed.

It’s been healing for my heart too. I have had some incredible talks with God in the quietness of my room, or as I’ve walked on the beach. I’ve been reminded again of the depth of the love that He has for me, and each one of us. It is one thing to say we believe God loves us, but it is entirely different to hear Him whisper your name and speak to places in your heart that only he knows and understands. Coming here has been like getting the view from 10,000 feet on my life. My friendship with God has become more precious to me already.

I have had some of the side-effects of detoxification like headaches and skin sores, but overall I have been feeling very well. The detox symptoms let me know that there is something good going on inside. Being here has reminded me just how vicious cancer is, and fighting it takes a great deal of resources. The man across the hall from me died this afternoon. Someone said they didn’t see any hope in his eyes anymore yesterday. There is another young man who has been following the program much more diligently than I have for the last 6 months, and his melanoma has continued to spread. There are no guarantees but those which are found in Christ.

I am reminded again that cancer is not the greatest foe, but rather anything that keeps me from intimacy with God. Whatever that might be, it sucks the life from us, and to get rid of cancer while remaining distant from God is no victory at all.

My brother Mark is coming tomorrow, and I’m really excited to see him. You can pray that he can survive a week without meat! I’ll write more soon-
Dan

Thursday, September 19, 2002 at 05:52 PM (CDT)

Hi gang. I'm all checked in and ready to roll at the Oasis of Hope Hospital. When I got here Tuesday, Victoria, the elderly cleaning lady, was here to greet me with a huge hug. I have no idea what she said, but apparently she recognized me, and it made me feel very much at home to see her. I unpacked my things and took a three hour nap. My body has been craving this for months, and it feels so good to rest.

I started my treatment yesterday and met with my doctor and Dr. Contreras, the hospital president. He asked to see my scan films, which I left in Minneapolis, so I'm having them sent out so they can evaluate them. I am back into my other hospital routines too--my early morning jogs on the beach, going to the classes they provide on various aspects of beating cancer, and regular naps.

The best thing so far has been the quietness where God's presence becomes so real to me. I spent last night reading journal entries from the last time I was here, just thinking about the path God has taken us down, the things He has said, the miracles He's done. I am blessed.

Tammy told me on the phone that we have $2,500 toward our goal already. We were able to delay some bills in order to pay the up-front bill at the hospital, so we should be fine until the end of my stay when the rest of the bill is due. God has been so faithful.

Grateful for your love and support-
Dan

Saturday, September 14, 2002 at 03:19 PM (CDT)

Hi everyone-
What I'm going to share next I only share because several of you have demanded that I share it. The accounting department of Oasis Hospital called yesterday and told me what I need to bring with me in cash. After we use up the rest of the medical fund that was established in March, it appears we will have around $7,000 of expenses remaining. I know this is a small thing for God, and He's told us not to worry, so I'm going to do my best to obey.

If you are convinced that God wants you to share in this, here are the practical details for getting it done: Checks can be made to the Woodland Fellowship Benevolent Fund, with a note in the memo for medical expenses. They should be sent to Cindy Jacob, Woodland Fellowship Treasurer (she has recently been hired as an administrative assistant, and Marley, our previous treasurer has handed the responsibility to Cindy). Her address is 936 Jefferson St. Anoka, MN 55303.

Last time we put funds together to go to Mexico for treatment, we had a week to prepare. This time we have 3 days until I leave. This ought to be amazing. I can't wait to see what God does!

Thanks for your love and prayers-
Dan and Tammy

Saturday, September 14, 2002 at 02:49 PM (CDT)

Friday, September 13, 2002 at 04:44 PM (CDT)

Hi again friends and family. We've come to another fork in the road, and have made a decision about further treatment. We talked with our doctor here about last week's scan results, and the reality is that the new nodules on my right lung are most likely new cancer growth. After better understanding what our doctor was originally saying, it appears that it is pretty unlikely that it was just post-inflammatory tissue left from a virus or infection.

This caused us to reconsider how we are going to proceed. We talked to our doctor in Mexico who recommended that I come down and get an immune-system boost. I can do this by receiving some of the original treatments that I received last March again now. Tammy and I prayed about that and sensed a peace from God about taking that step. I'm flying down there on Tuesday, September 17, and will be coming back on October 1st. Tammy will be staying home with the boys because they are both in school, but my brother Mark will be joining me at the hospital for part of the time.

The financial end of things is still up in the air because I am waiting on the hospital's accounting department to get back to me. We know it won't be near as expensive as the trip in March because the treatment won't be as extensive. If it appears to be more than we can handle, I promise to let you know how you can help. God was so gracious to provide for us through your gifts last time.

For every new challenge, God has given us more grace. It seems that the more difficult life gets, the more He makes His love and presence real to us. I am excited to go back to Mexico in a way, because I know there will be much time to listen to Him, to just be in His presence. Who knows what gifts he has in store this time.

Thank you for your continued love and prayers. I'll write more as the adventure unfolds.

Love,
Dan and Tammy

Wednesday, September 04, 2002 at 10:08 PM (CDT)

The waiting is over. Dr. Chiu called with the scan results this afternoon. They weren't what I was hoping for, but we have much to be thankful for. It appears that the tumors which were on my left lung as of the last scan are still there, and if they have grown it has been very minimally. There are three on the left lung, and it appears that there are now two new nodules on the right lung. They are small and could be what the doctors call "post-inflammatory." This means they might be residual from an infection or a virus, and aren't necessarily cancer. On the other hand, they might be cancer. The good news is that even though melanoma can spread like wildfire over the course of three months, it hasn't, and that in itself is a miracle.

It is amazing how one phone call can change a person's priorities so dramatically. We've been doing the treatment, but not near as rigorously as we did the first couple months after being home. After all, there are so many other important things to do.
It is hard to put first things first, and yet when I look back it seems ridiculous not to.

I'm reminded again that this isn't about beating cancer. It's about loving God, and the cancer is just a tool in his hand to show us what it means to surrender everything about our lives to Him. In knowing that, there is peace and there is joy. He hasn't stopped pursuing us, teaching us, loving us.

We have so much to be thankful for. I have no pain, I can sleep (Boy can I sleep!), I can walk, I can preach (some would disagree), I can take my kids to school in the morning, I can keep food down, my kids love me enough to want to play with me every minute of the day and my wife loves me enough to juice for me every day. I'm still amazed when I think about all the miracles that have happened in our lives over the past several months. We have been deeply blessed.

The battle is clearly not over. But we are nowhere near done fighting either. Thank you for your continued prayers. We are humbled and amazed that so many of you care. You really do care, and we really are grateful.

Love,
Dan and Tammy

Wednesday, August 28, 2002 at 11:45 AM (CDT)

The countdown until the scan is 6 days now. Lower than the Twins magic number for the playoffs! As it turns out, what I thought was an infection didn't test out to be an infection. Must have been some sort of virus that caused fever and chills. Anyway, I'm feeling a lot better again. God sent a couple big encouragements my way as well this past week.

On Sunday, we had a baptism service at our church. I will never, ever tire of hearing someone describe how God has changed their life. One of the women being baptized wept as she said that God had answered her prayer that her family would one day be in church with her. Her husband, son, daugher-in-law, sister, brother-in-law, and a couple other family members were sitting in the second row as she said it. She has come alone every Sunday previously. She then described why for her, "the search is over," and explained how the love of God had changed her. The other people who shared had stories equally as precious and powerful.

Monday night I had the privilege of sharing with the incoming freshman students as part of orientation at Northwestern College. After I finished, they had 7 or 8 upperclassmen who were part of a panel explain what life on campus was really like, and they shared words of advice with the freshman. They were extremely authentic, and very real about struggles and the joys they had experienced at NWC. The most amazing thing was the passion for God I saw in this group of students. They were so focused on loving Him more than life itself. It was as if they had walked through cancer, too, and could plainly see that loving God is the greatest thing anyone could ever live for! I was blessed by their zeal. I could see their honesty paving the way for God to move in the hearts of the freshman, and afterward God brought several for me to pray with--some who wanted to just turn their life back to God after walking away from Him, and others who were carrying secret burdens they wanted to lay at His feet. It was a gift from God to be a part of all this.

Sometimes you persevere and persevere and wonder if or when you'll ever see the result. Sometimes you don't. And then you wonder why you are doing what you are doing. I have had these questions in regard to cancer treatment and ministry. Today I'm thanking God for a glimpse into the reason He's calling me to persevere. I hope that maybe my experience will help some of you to persevere too. God bless-
Dan

Thursday, August 15, 2002 at 10:06 PM (CDT)

Well, I seem to have attached myself to another infection. I got my port needle changed at the hospital Tuesday and got a fever four hours later. It will be a happy day when I can get this thing removed. I'm taking antibiotics but haven't shaken it yet (the infection) a couple days later. It's possible I may need to go in and get intravenous antibiotics to clear up my blood. I don't have time for that though. Sounds silly doesn't it--but this is no time to be sick. I'm having some good prayer times late at night when I can't sleep. If you are one who prays, you could pray that God would guide the doctors to something that would effectively take care of whatever is going on in my blood. Thanks!
PS- Mom and Dad this isn't a big deal-- otherwise you know I would have called you!

Tuesday, August 13, 2002 at 11:35 AM (CDT)

Hi Gang! No exciting news yet, but wanted to let you know I finally changed the pictures on this site and threw in a few from our vacation. Just to let you know--21 days and counting until "The Scan." In the meantime, we just keep plugging away. I'll write more soon.
Dan

Monday, August 05, 2002 at 09:17 AM (CDT)

Hello again to all of you who have become my backbone of support! It's a Monday morning and I'm recovering from a big day of ministry--starting with the setup of the theater at 6:30am and finishing with performing a wedding ceremony last night. I wondered if I could do it all. Usually just preaching in the morning is enough to wipe me out for the rest of the day. God gave me just enough strength to make it, and that is how it has been so often since beginning this journey. Whatever is needed, that is what He has provided. Usually even more.

I guess this is what living by faith is all about, because I have come to expect that whatever the need is, He will meet it. There was a time when I was very confident in my own abilities to get things done and make things happen. God has been stripping me of this, and replacing it with a confidence in Him. I have to tell you I really prefer living this way. It is a lot less stressful and God's strength and wisdom are so much more adequate than mine.

Last week we took a few vacation days to join my Dad's side of the family for some time at a resort in northern Minnesota. My extended family, like many of you, has been carrying this burden with us and it was so great to see them and recount what God's done once again. At Christmas they laid hands on me and prayed for healing. This time, they laid hands on me and thanked God for the miracle He's doing. It was some very sweet fellowship.

I think the four days were great for my health because I slept in every day, took a nap in the afternoons, and did all of my treatment! We drug our 70 lb. juicer with us and 50 lbs. of carrots and all my organic food. We were beginning to wonder whether it was all worth it, but when we got there we were so glad we made it. Tammy had help from my Mom and others with juicing and making salads for me. Reid caught his first fish, a four inch Sunny, and Taylor learned how to ride in a canoe without tipping it.

All in all, it was a wonderful time with our family, and the rest was just what I needed. A great gift from God.
"He satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's." Psalm 103:5 Have a great week!
Dan

Monday, July 22, 2002 at 04:54 PM (CDT)

Hello prayer partners. I feel like I should have some exciting or dramatic news to report, but I can't really say that I do. Being alive is amazing and thrilling, and I need to keep in mind the fact that to be breathing today is a gift from God. I'm not sure how I forget that, but I do sometimes. There were many things I dreamed about doing earlier, that I am being allowed to do--fishing with Taylor (we actually caught fish last week thanks to some friends who knew exactly where to go!), watching him in his first season of t-ball (I may be biased but I think he swings like Torii Hunter), watching Reid ride his first grown-up bike (still equipped with training wheels), and having dates with Tammy (they just don't happen at restaurants anymore).

Life still seems overwhelming at times, and that is why it is good to stop and remember that the God who made tumors disappear and who spoke the universe into existence is big enough to lead me as I seek to lead a family and a church--neither of which I feel like I have time for or strength for or wisdom for. I have been tired and anemic since my weekend at the ER, but I feel like I am gradually getting stronger. I hate to be reminded, but God often needs to tell me that his strength is perfected in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12). I wish there was another way to show off his power, but this is what he's chosen, and it makes no sense to argue.

The honest truth is that I often get tired of the diet I'm on, and taking a chunk of every morning and evening doing treatment, and a nap every afternoon. However, I know that all this is being used by God to shape me and draw me closer to Him, which is the greatest gift anyone could receive. So...I'll quit complaining, because I know even these trivial difficulties are a blessing from God. They just don't always look that way. The truth remains that I am alive, and the doctors told me I'd be dead now. Wow!

Thank you for praying. Believe it or not, we need your prayers now just as much as we did when we were in the hospital. We need God's grace to persevere, to stay positive, to keep learning, to keep healing, and for God to get glory through all of this. He is worth every bit of it!

Monday, July 08, 2002 at 10:54 AM (CDT)

Hello again friends. I'm back in tropical Minnesota, enjoying the summer I only hoped I'd get to experience earlier. Taylor and I finally had our first fishing outing, and we caught a stick and a weed. We only lost one hook and sinker as a line snapped, and Taylor only casted his whole fishing pole in the water once. Fortunately mine was long enough to fish his off the bottom of the lake. That was fairly incredible considering the water was murky and about 6 feet deep. Obviously, we haven't found the sweet spot yet, but when we do, you better look out!

I had a little setback this past week, but seemingly only a bump in the road. I started getting achy and feverish last Tuesday and it got a little worse each day until Saturday when my wise and beautiful wife suggested I call a doctor. Our concern was that my port site had become infected, because they often do, and that can be a fairly serious issue if not dealt with somewhat promptly. I had night sweats, chills, and fever Friday evening, but I just kept thinking it was something that would go away.

The people at the ER took a blood sample and determined to grow a culture, and sent me home to sleep. I slept through church Sunday morning (I'm an irresponsible pastor) and woke up at noon without a fever. Last night they called me back to the ER at 10:30 saying the culture tested positive for an infection, but when I got there they questioned the test result since I was seemingly feeling better. They drew more blood to do another one and sent me home around 1:00am. If it comes back positive they will probably admit me for a day or two and pump me full of i.v. antibiotics. If it's not positive, I'll keep doing what I'm doing.

All the nurses were questioning me as to why I appear so yellow, and I told them about the carrot juice. One said, "you probably shouldn't be drinking so much of that." My response was, "I probably wouldn't be if my tumors weren't going away." She didn't ask any more questions.

All the conventional doctors and nurses I talked to seemed pretty amazed by my story. (The doctors were probably more intrigued than amazed) It was yet another reminder that God is the God of the impossible. He is a miracle-working God. He confounds the wise with His wisdom, and he makes the weak strong. There is no problem too great, no pain too deep, no relationship too broken, no heart too hard, and no disease too incurable. I'm blessed to be His child.

Monday, June 24, 2002 at 02:29 PM (CDT)

Well, I'm back in Tijuana, typing in the back of the office supply store down the street from the hospital. It has been a very emotional trip for me. God blessed us in so many ways here, and the moment I saw the hospital a flood of memories filled my mind. He met us here so personally, so powerfully. I will never ever forget the time we spent here in March, and how God brought it all about.

I flew in on Saturday night, and after arriving at the hospital and getting settled in, I walked the halls. I walked over to the room we stayed in last time, and just stood outside the door remembering. I walked past my neighbor John's room, and Andrew's room, and Helen's room and Laura's room and just prayed for their families. They've all gone to be with the Lord. I walked past the nurses station (none were there at the time) and the oxygen treatment room and the examination room where I first met my doctor upon entering the hospital with anxiety on my face. I looked out onto the playground where I used to watch the children play while receiving treatment. I walked into the cafeteria where we used to sit and talk about what we would do after we were well, and the reunions we'd have. It was also where we had our Sunday worship services, where God showed himself so visibly and powerfully so many times. As I remembered, it was as if time stood still.

Then I went back to my room and cried. Because of God's grace to me. Because of the pain I feel for the families of those who didn't make it. Because God is giving me an awareness that I really have experienced a miracle--and not just physically.

I feel like I'm in a dream, and I'm being allowed another chance to live--to stand outside my life and see it from another perspective. God is bringing healing to my body, and yet there are so many who were too far advanced to be helped. I feel so undeserving, so grateful, so unbelievably blessed.

I met with my doctor this morning, who was elated at my scan results. He said "This is a very impressive scan result!" He ordered some blood tests, and suggested I get my port needle changed while here. I was very encouraged by the meeting with him. He really wanted to make sure that I had opportunity to share my results with the current patients for their encouragement.

"I am confident of this...I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." from Psalm 116

God's best to you and yours.
Dan

Monday, June 17, 2002 at 04:25 PM (CDT)

Hi again! I've calmed down a little now. The reality of the scan results is setting in. We are still just as thankful, and have resolved to keep fighting using the same methods we had been using. I am heading back to Tijuana this weekend for my 3 month checkup. I feel so blessed to be alive, especially knowing that several who were with me there in March are no longer living.

When I told Reid the good news and hugged him, he said "So does that mean you don't have to drink carrot juice anymore?" I told him I'd still be drinking it for awhile. He said "Oh." And he ran off to play. He and Taylor don't quite understand now, but in a few years they will know that God has done a miracle.

We had an awesome celebration at Woodland Fellowship the Sunday after we got the news. Church almost went 2 hours, and nobody complained! It was a glimpse of the eternal worship service that's going on in heaven.

Our treasurer, Marley, wrote a note to all of you who have helped us financially, and I wanted to share that with you now--

Hi Everyone, this is Marley Holgrimson, the one you've so graciously been sending the checks to to help with Dan's medical costs.
I thought maybe you'd like an update on what your money has done.

First there were doctors and treatments in Minnesota and Illinois which amounted to about $5,000 after insurance. Then Dan needed $22,000 in his hand as he left for
Tijuana, Mexico. On the return home he needed to purchase $1,880 worth of medication that he would need back here.
Once he was home he was able to buy a used juicer for $1,225 (They're usually $2,000).
And since being home there have been doctor visits, a distilled water cooler for his water needs was purchased
and everything he eats and drinks is organic. They go through 50 pounds of carrots each week! So, those expenses are about $2,500 to date.

I will tell you that we have a committee of
men who OK all of the medical items that we pay for so that not just one person is determining what things we should and should not cover. It was their decision
that the organic produce needed for juicing was as much a needed "medicine" as any of the meds he purchases in a bottle.

Folks, Thanks to you, we have deposited over $40,000 in our Benevolence Fund! And the above bills have total roughly $32,000!
We plan to continue to pay for the expenses that arise--this weekend he is going back to Tijuana, so these expenses have already been taken care of.
Thank you so very much for joining with us in prayer and helping financially. We are praising God that Dan has had such a wonderful report from the doctors this past
week!! I know what this has meant to Dan and Tammy. And you have been an awesome thing for this church to witness. We love you all!!!
Marley
For Woodland Fellowship

Friday, June 07, 2002 at 02:12 PM (CDT)

Results are in......I'm screaming but you probably can't hear me! The tumors are shrinking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All the tumors on my right lung..............gone! The large tumor on my left lung has been shrunk in half since the last scan. There is no other detectable cancer in my body!!! The lymph nodes in my groin have been swollen and palpable for the last few months, and I feared that this was cancer too, but haven't been talking about it. Now I finally know that it is just backed up lymph--not cancer.

Tammy just looked at me after I got off the phone with the doctor and said "You're going to get to watch your kids grow up!" Then we cried and hugged. I'm struggling to grasp all that is going on right now. I can't even describe the emotion. Everything about "incurable disease" that I've heard in the last several months is out the window! I know that I am not yet healed completely, but the fact that the cancer is going the opposite direction is nothing short of a miracle.

Thank God for another day of life!!!

Thank you for praying and giving and serving and loving us. You have all helped to make this day a reality. I know we still have a long road ahead of us, but this gives incredible motivation to keep fighting. Thank you.

Lord God, more than anyone else I want to thank you. You have been my rock. You have been the friend who is closer than a brother. You have been everything I have needed at every moment in this journey. You are my reason for living, and I love you more than words could ever express. Thank you for all these incredible people you have brought around us to help me fight. Nothing is too difficult for you, and I can't praise you enough. Bless everyone who reads this in the same way that they have blessed me and my family. Thanks for every breath. I know each one is a gift.
Your kid,
Dan

Thursday, June 06, 2002 at 08:11 PM (CDT)

I'm waiting as fast as I possibly can. It isn't helping.

I did have the scan yesterday, and the results were available to my doctor yesterday afternoon. Unfortunately, I am not the center of the universe, and I'll just have to wait until he has time to read the report and call me.

I do have one bit of good news though--I also saw my dermatologist (that's latin for "guy who studies skin") and he said that the mole on my leg is a harmless lesion. That's one small hurdle down, one large one to go.

When you are a believer, and you know God is in control, all news is good news, because it all passes through the hands of a God who passionately loves us. I'll be honest. I still hate waiting. But God is still giving peace, and I'm not nervous about the outcome, even though it seems like everything about my life is riding on this report.

I am so thankful that God has provided friends like you who care enough to pray and to check this web site. Your support is invaluable to us.

Hopefully, news will come tomorrow. One of my friends suggested going to the clinic and handcuffing myself to a chair in the doctor's office until he gives me the report. I don't want to be on the news, so I don't think I will.
Love you all-
Dan

Tuesday, June 04, 2002 at 02:24 PM (CDT)

Hey all. In talking with my doctor in Tijuana the other day, he recommended that I get scanned here in the states so that it would be covered by insurance. We are planning to go to Tijuana toward the end of the month for another checkup, and to pick up more meds. I just got off the phone with my local doctor, and my scan is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 10:30. Shortly after that I am going to another doctor to have the mole on my leg biopsied, and then to my alternative doctor a little later in the afternoon. I like to make the doctors around here feel like they're earning their keep!

Three months of treatment is all coming down to this. I'm claiming Psalm 112:6-8, which describes the man who fears the Lord. "Surely he will never be shaken; a righteous man will be remembered forever. He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his foes."

I'm not sure how long results will take to come back, but it shouldn't be more than a couple days. I'll let you know when I know. Thanks for praying!

Thursday, May 30, 2002 at 08:41 AM (CDT)

Hi again friends! Hope you had a great Memorial Day weekend. My parents came for a few days and we had a great time with them and my brother Mark and his wife Beth. I can't thank God enough for the support that He has given us through our families (Tammy's and mine). Each of those relationships becomes extra meaningful when you are facing uncertainty.

On the health front--I noticed a new mole that has been demonstrating very similar characteristics to the one that started this whole journey. It is on the back of my left leg, and it's been itching and is discolored. It could be nothing, or it could be some form of melanoma rearing its head again. I called my dermatologist yesterday, and they are going to get me in as soon as possible. The doctor is out of town until Tuesday, so I'll have to wait until then.

In the next few days we will be planning our next trip to Mexico, which will happen toward the end of June, as well as the next scan. We might do it here in the US if insurance will cover it. I need to keep reminding myself that in God's eyes, this is not about cancer--it's about my heart and my walk with Him. Please pray that we can stay focused in this way over the next few weeks. Thank you so much for holding us up.

Wednesday, May 22, 2002 at 08:48 AM (CDT)

Thanks to all of you who prayed for us over this past weekend. It was crazy, but great! It was the last time (according to my wife) that we will abuse my schedule for the next several months. She is my schedule enforcer and God's gift to me in that regard. While I'm on the topic, thank you for praying for Tammy as well. Her life has been turned upside down in the past few months, and she has taken it all in stride, and is determined to do whatever it takes to give me a shot at life. She has been juicing the first couple hours of each day, and helping me make organic meals along with all the other stuff she always did before. Some of her friends from church have been helping her with the juicing and meals and even doing dishes from time to time. Incredible! Anyway, Tammy has been an unbelievable support to me. I have done a few weddings lately, and I am gripped by the line in the vows that says "in sickness and in health." She is living out her commitment with joy.

On Saturday I officiated a wedding, then preached at Woodland Sunday morning, and got in the car right after church to drive to my hometown (Rock Valley) in Iowa to share the message in the evening service at the church where I grew up. It was a great blessing to see in person so many of the people who have done so much to support us and my parents. They were incredibly encouraging after the service. It brought back a lot of memories, and the opportunity to share there was a real gift from God. Thank you Rock Valley and Calvin CRC!

Having said that, Tammy and I decided that we are going to put any further engagements on hold for awhile. I still feel compelled to share, but we are going to focus on getting better first. I'm eliminating every extra from my schedule for the next few months in the hope of being faithful to the cancer-fighting regimen.

Another reason for this is that the lack of busyness enables me to spend unhurried time in God's presence. This is something I crave, and it has been more difficult to come by since we've come back from Mexico. Whenever I choose to make it happen, God meets me and blesses me and fills me with hope again. I really can't afford to live without it. James 4:8 says "Come near to God and He will come near to you." What a promise! Have a great day!

PS- OK Bruce, I'm promising new pictures by tomorrow!

Thursday, May 16, 2002 at 08:19 AM (CDT)

Good morning prayer partners! Here's the latest:

We went and saw our alternative medicine doctor on Tuesday, and he ran me through a battery of tests. It isn't that we don't trust our conventional doctor, but just that we want to make sure our bases are covered. We have learned a great deal about the body and the immune system over the last couple months, and we want to keep learning. After three hours in his office here is what we learned--

First, according to his tests, the cancer is still present. These particular tests don't show how much or whether it has grown or shrunk since last time. We will be able to measure that the next time I get scanned in June. The other thing it showed was that my liver is stressed because of the detoxification load on it. His conclusion was to give a supplement that helps lighten the liver's load and break down the toxins more quickly.

The meeting was somewhat of a wakeup call for us. I have been very diligently following the tasteless joyless fat-free sugar-free diet. I have taken my laetrile every day. But there are several smaller things which have been easy to let slide in the busyness of life. It is hard to see people needs and know that I don't have time to help. God showed both of us that we have to take care of the most important things, and trust Him to do the rest. I guess that is the challenge for all of us in different ways.

Anyway, Tammy and I have a new resolve to keep the regimen to the minute, and are determined to do everything we can to give me the best chance to beat this thing. Ultimately my health is still in the hands of God, but we don't want to live irresponsibly while trusting Him to do it all.

Wouldn't you know the text for my message at Woodland this week is about "patient endurance of suffering" from James 5. Perseverence is what happens after you don't feel like doing something anymore.

God continues to bless us in countless ways. His mercies are new every day! It is an unbelievable comfort to know that He Himself is walking beside us. Thank you so much for your continued prayers. God is still blessing us through you!

Monday, May 06, 2002 at 10:13 PM (CDT)

Hi again. I finally have something halfway significant to report. I got blood test results back, and everything checked out normal. It is hard to know whether to jump up and down or breathe a sigh of relief. It doesn't tell us exactly what the cancer is doing, but it lets me know that my liver is still doing its job. This is huge, because you simply cannot recover without a liver that is constantly purifying your blood. The test also lets me know that in spite of what appears to many to be a fanatical diet, my blood is still normal. I expected that this would be the case, but was somewhat relieved to find out.

I read another cancer book last week that supports the method of detoxing and immune support that we are doing. It's called "A Cancer Battle Plan Sourcebook." One of the chapters detailed the qualities of survivors as observed by the author. One thing he said was that survivors have a sense of life direction and purpose, and they pursue it with passion. On the other hand, those who don't have this quality tend not to survive. It certainly isn't the only piece of the puzzle, but it is a big one.

God has really clarified values in the last few months, and refined my focus as to why I am on the earth. It is this vision that keeps me going. Without this vision in front of me, I easily get discouraged. The regimen we are on is very tedious, and takes a lot of time that seemingly could be spent in so many other ways--better ways. I just don't feel like doing it a lot of days. However, when I think about the vision of life that God has given me, I realize each little task, each injection, each jog around the lake, each glass of carrot juice is contributing to the vision. It is just plain exciting to me to know that God's vision for our lives is bigger and greater than what we can even conceive.

Survivors usually have goals as to what they want to accomplish while they are alive, and I'll share a few of mine. Maybe together we can pray them into existence. First, I want to see my children make their faith their own. They have a degree of understanding now, but I'm praying for the day when they will be passionate about what they believe.
Second, I have been praying about writing a book detailing God's incredible grace to me over the past few months. I have the sense that this is something God wants me to do. Even if no one else wants to read it, it will be a testimony to my children and a remembrance to myself about what God has done. That will be my "day off" project for the next few weeks.
Third, I have a huge vision for how God would use our church to impact the city of Elk River--thousands of lost people coming to know Christ, and churches that will be planted out of Woodland Fellowship.

Some of these things seem big and maybe not even very realistic. But then I think about God and who He is, and I am convinced I should at least ask. I don't want to be one who has not because he has not asked (James 4:2). I would rather stay focused on "Him who is able to do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine..." (Ephesians 3:20)

Here's my speaking schedule for the next couple weeks:
Thursday, May 9, Athletic Department Chapel at Northwestern College in St. Paul
Sunday, May 12 Preach at Woodland
Sunday, May 19 Preach at Woodland, and then drive to Rock Valley, IA, where I will preach in the evening service at Calvin CRC.
Wednesday, May 29 Speak to Annandale area Youth (Still a tentative engagement)

Sorry this is so long. Thank you so much for praying!!! I am feeling great!!!

Monday, April 29, 2002 at 02:07 AM (CDT)

Hey everyone! It's 2AM and I'm not sleeping, so I thought I'd write an update. As of yesterday, it has been five months since the diagnosis. It is amazing how much has changed about our lives in such a short time. I am so thankful for the gift of life, and the fact that God has spared mine thus far. His daily presence has been so real (at least when I'm paying attention), and that is what I value the most. There have been so many times when his hand has been impossible not to recognize.

Take this past week for instance. I spent some time Tuesday night at the home of a family that just recently started attending our church. They told me the most beautiful and incredible story of how God has been working in their lives, and how He used the people in our church in the process. God's fingerprints in the situation were so easy to see--another set of lives changed forever by the knowledge that God is in love with them.

I came home from their house and immediately got sick. I spent most of the night in the bathroom, and couldn't sleep at all. In the morning, I was incredibly exhausted, and still feeling very sick. When I tried to stand I got woozy and just ended up laying down again. This wouldn't have been a big deal at all, except for the fact that I was planning to share my testimony at a missions banquet in Aitkin that night. I prayed about what to do, and really sensed that God still wanted me to go. I knew that was going to take a miracle, because all I wanted to do at the time was throw up.

I called my prayer partner, and explained the situation. He prayed, and I decided to get in the shower believing God would answer. Our district conference church planting rep was taking me up to Aitkin, so I told him I was still planning to go. When we left I tried to hide how I felt from him because I didn't want him to fear for his own health. When we got to Aitkin, I was already feeling a lot better. I was able to stand and give a 25 minute message, and while I spoke I didn't feel sick at all. It was so great to see all the people who helped me get started in ministry back in '92. They graciously listened to my very first sermon!

I did go to a local doctor on Thursday, and the physical didn't turn up anything new. I'm still waiting on the blood tests. I'll let you know when we have more news. Have a great day!

Monday, April 22, 2002 at 02:59 PM (CDT)

Hello friends and family. The space between reports is an indication of what life has been like since we've been back in the states. I want to apologize if you have called and I haven't returned it yet, or if you helped us financially and you still haven't received a thank-you note. We are deeply grateful, but short on time. Don't despair though--my wife keeps lists!

Once again, God is showing me that this is not about my strength or my ability to get things done. Tijuana was easy compared to being home. There we had all the food prepared for us and the IVs were done by nurses. There was one focus: getting better. The challenge of being the husband and father I want to be, while leading a new church and fighting for my health is way beyond what I can do in my strength. I hate the feeling of weakness and the realization that the task is greater than what I have to offer.

However, this is right where faith comes in. God shows me my weakness in order that He can show me His strength. It's when I'm feeling really desperate that I tend to hope in Him the most.

So many times since November 28 I have felt like my back is against the wall. And every time when I have turned to Him He has delivered me. It often feels like God is chipping away at the confidence I have in myself and my abilities so that one day this will be completely stripped away and my hope will no longer be in me, but in the One who strength and wisdom and love have no boundaries or limits.

Jim Cymbala, one of my favorite authors, said once that "God is attracted to weakness." If that is the case, he is very attracted to me, because my weakness has become pretty obvious to me. He truly has become my all in all!

The apostle Paul said "I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." This has become the cry of my heart. I can welcome every difficulty because it just gives God another opportunity to show me how incredible He is. And He is!

I started another phase of the treatment yesterday which is a vaccine that they developed for me in Mexico. I receive it in the form of an injection once each week. There are possible side effects for 48 hours afterward, and once again, I have none. Smile. Thursday I am meeting with a local doctor to have some bloodwork done and a physical. I'm anticipating good results.

If you live in north central Minnesota, just wanted to let you know I'll be speaking at Glory Baptist Church in Aitkin Wednesday night for their missions banquet. This is one of many churches that has been a great support to us.

Thank you for praying. God is still using you to bless us!

Dan

Saturday, April 13, 2002 at 10:00 AM (CDT)

Hello again! I'm sorry it's been so long between updates. No news is good news when it comes to cancer. I am still not seeing any effects of the cancer in my body--I haven't had as much as a headache sinced I've been home from treatment. It makes no sense apart from the power of prayer. One guy at the treatment center jokingly said to me "You have an unfair advantage in that you have your church people praying for you." I said, "I know, and they're not the only ones praying!" Friends here who hadn't seen us since before treatment have remarked that I look really thin, but very healthy. Hopefully that's a good sign!

There have been some stressful moments as we've tried to balance life and work and kids with the intensive nature of the treatment. I kind of assumed I would just return to work and things would be as they were, with the exception of a few juices. This has not been the case, and I guess I should have known better.

I don't know about you, but when I am feeling overwhelmed with the the amount of things to do on the list, I tend to pray less and my time with God is often shortened or deleted. Whenever this happens it leaves me drained and even more overwhelmed. God's desire is that I seek Him first, trusting Him to take care of the rest. It is in the times when the pressure is the greatest and life's demands are the toughest that I need Him the most. Bill Hybels said "I'm too busy not to pray!" I couldn't agree more.

It's great to know that God is just as near to us in the midst of the mundane as he was while waiting for CT scan results. It's just that we tend to depend on Him a lot more in the latter.

Yesterday was the first warm day in a couple years--or at least it feels that way. The poor garter snakes that made their home in our front yard are now being tortured by several neighborhood kids who are chasing them. Things are beginning to come to life. Spring is here, and I'm here to enjoy it. Praise God!

Friday, April 05, 2002 at 10:18 AM (CST)

I always knew when I was in the bottom of the valley that there would be something spectacular on the other side. Psalm 23 says "even though I walk 'through' the valley" implying that God does not intend for us to stay in the valley. Sometimes I couldn't see any light, and there it was easy to assume that this valley was a dead end. I am not assuming that I am out of the valley for good, but I can tell you that I am feeling the thrill of the sun on my face again, and it is awesome!

God's voice has been very clear and persistent this week. It has never been audible for me, but always unmistakable. Circumstances that are so bizarre that I can't explain them apart from God. Answers to questions that I have had for God coming to me in most unlikely ways. Messages from Him that have been so personal, so clear, so unavoidable that I have received them with a bit of fear and trembling. Occasionally something happens that you know is the hand of God, and you stand back in reverence and awe. That is what this week has been like.

I won't go into all the details, but I will say this: God is not rescuing me from cancer in order that I can be happy. He is not doing it in order that I can continue to go about my business in the way that I would have if I never had cancer. He is healing me in order that I can share a message.

The love and freedom that he has poured out on me, the joy in the midst of pain, the confidence in the face of danger--all of this is the real thing. It is so real!! And if it truly is real, then I am sitting on a gold mine. I have experienced (and so have many of you) the real thing--the thing everyone in this world thirsts for, the thing every breathing person longs for, and that is the love of God, the very life of the risen Christ! I have friends who have yet to experience this. I have countless neighbors and acquaintances who have yet to know this joy. There are literally thousands in my city who live as if is not real. But it is!!

Surrender is great, but it isn't real unless it causes me to love people, because that is what happens when you fall in love with Jesus. If it is genuine, it results in a love for people as well. And that is what is just beginning to happen in me.

I want to share the message. I will share it as long as God gives me breath. I will share it in whatever state or country God calls me to share it in. If it's in a stadium or a back yard is really not important. I only know He wants me to share it. If God calls me to your city or your neighborhood or your church to share the message, I will go. (My first and primary calling is to my family and to Woodland Fellowship, but whatever God has for me outside of this is totally up to Him.) My heart is especially burdened for those who have yet to believe that it is real.

One stipulation. I'm going to need carrot juice when I get there.

With you for Him,
Dan

Wednesday, April 03, 2002 at 09:59 AM (CST)

Hello again! Hope you had an incredible Easter celebration! It was so good for us to be back at Woodland after four weeks away. We are gradually working our way up to following the complete regimen that has been prescribed for me. Many of you have been asking exactly what that entails, so I'll tell you--here's the schedule:
6:30am Work out
7:30 Oatmeal and fruit breakfast, shark cartilage, carrot juice, and supplements
8:00 Carrot Juice
8:30 Carrot juice
9:30 Carrot Juice
10:30 Carrot Juice
11:30 Carrot Juice and barley green
12:30 Lunch- green salad, raw and cooked vegetables, fresh fruit, potato-and glass of green juice (lettuce, celery, and apple)
1:30 Carrot Juice
2:30 Green Juice
3:30 Carrot Juice
4:30 Green Juice and barley green
5:30 Carrot Juice, dinner (same basic menu as lunch) and supplements
6:30pm Carrot Juice
8:30pm Laetrile IV (This is a slow injection given through my port over the course of 25 minutes)
Tammy has seldom left the kitchen yet, and she is doing an awesome job of keeping me full of juice and fresh produce! We are going through organic produce like water! Each glass of green juice we make takes a whole head of romaine lettuce alone. We are buying carrots from now on in 50 lb. bags.
It may seem a little intense from the outside looking in, but I will tell you that I am thrilled to be alive and not suffering the effects of chemotherapy. I would take this anyday. It actually fills me with energy. (Plus, with all this carrot juice, I should be able to read signs from 50 miles away shortly).
I had my first followup phone appointment with a doctor from Oasis yesterday, and he said it sounds like things are going well. God has been teaching me some profound lessons over the last few days, but I'll save those for my next entry in a couple days. I've rambled long enough. Thank you for praying!
Dan

Thursday, March 28, 2002 at 02:22 PM (CST)

We're home, and thankful to be here. As I crawled in bed last night, I was reminded of all the days and nights I spent in that bed feeling rotten from my first round of treatment, and I thanked God that I'm alive and feeling well.

God's ways are often times a mystery to me--there are so many things I will never understand this side of heaven. I do not understand why God allows some who have no regard for Him or their health to live 90 years, and then others like my friend Laura (in the bottom picture with my family) who loved God and wanted to serve Him with her life are taken home at age 21. She had just as much faith as I do that God could heal, and she believed that He would. Yet, God, in his wisdom, decided her time on earth was finished. As her father put it in his guest book entry, she "walked into the arms of God" Sunday morning. Thursday night she was playing Uno with Taylor and Reid. Sunday morning she's walking streets of gold, worshipping Him by a crystal sea with a throng of people from every tongue, every tribe, every nation.

Being at Oasis and building relationships with the people there was a precious gift. Many of the people we came to know and love will not live another year. For any of us to live will really require a miracle, because we are all beyond the point that conventional medicine would say is curable. This is not intended to be depressing, because it isn't. It is just a reality check. Life is incredibly short, and eternity is long. There is no purpose beyond that which is in Christ.

Laura was a great volleyball player, but today she is not concerned about her statistics or how many games her team won last year. She is not worried about what people think of her, she is not dwelling on the problems of yesterday or worried about those facing her tomorrow. She is experiencing in its fullness the life that is truly life. There is no more fear, no more crying, no more morphine, no more sadness. This has all been replaced by the glory of the presence of God.

I don't know whether my time here will be a few more months or several years, but I know that I want to live with eternity in full view. I want to drink in every moment God gives me here and live for Him with everything in me. I have no reason to hold anything back, and I know each breath, each relationship, each morning jog, each kindness received is a gift from Him.

Here are a few prayer requests:
- Pray for Tammy as she has become my nurse overnight. All the things the nurses at Oasis did, she is now doing. She will be juicing for me several times each day, helping me prepare the laetrile IV, buying groceries and preparing meals she has never made before, in addition to anything she would normally do as a wife and mother. She has a great attitude about it, but I know she will need energy from God to keep going when the initial adrenaline wears off.
- Please pray that God would give me wisdom to know how to balance all the aspects of home treatment with returning to work and life in general.

When I think about the gift you gave us in helping us get to Oasis, and all that happened there, I am overwhelmed. God has been so incredibly good to us, and he has shown us countless times how much he loves us through your love.

Tammy and I are ready to dig in and fight, and we know we won't be able to take a step without the grace of God and the strength that comes from Him. Thanks for praying!
Dan

PS- More new pictures today.

Tuesday, March 26, 2002 at 08:34 PM (CST)

Hi gang. Just wanted to let you know that I will continue to try to document what God is doing in our lives as well as briefing you on prayer requests. I thought about discontinuing, but I am realizing that when I stop to think about what God is teaching me I benefit greatly. So, I think this is more for me than for you, and I will try to add an entry every few days.

We weren't able to get back to Minneapolis today because we have stand-by tickets and the loads were full, so we're planning to get on a 6:30am flight tomorrow and are going through Chicago to make it work. We've begun taking Laetrile on our own through my port, and that seems to be working well. The diet is going to be a major lifestyle change and a substantial challenge, but I know God is going to help us. I had no idea that almost every food in the grocery store has some salt or refined sugar in it!

Hope you have a meaningful time remembering the death and resurrection of the Lord this week. I know it means more to me now than ever before.

We'll be in touch. God's best to you!
Dan

Sunday, March 24, 2002 at 10:28 AM (CST)

We're back in the US of A and having a great time! Tammy's parents have become our weekend tour guides, and yesterday they took us to the San Diego Zoo.

We went to the Sea Lion show, which is one of the two main shows they have there, and sat down right in the middle of a crowd of somewhere between 500 and 1000 people. 10 minutes into the show, they say they need a volunteer. Taylor happened to be wearing a bright green shirt that he had just gotten from the gift shop, and guess who got picked? He ran down to the stage as fast as he could! He first had to participate in a quiz game about the food chain, with help from the audience. Then they brought out Rusty the Sea Lion and had Taylor pet him and feed him fish. They gave him several little fish one at a time to throw to Rusty, and Taylor threw them and wiped his hand on his new shirt each time. As a joke, the trainer put a squid in Taylor's hand, and he dropped it as soon as he touched it. They said Taylor did such a great job, that he had won the grand prize. Taylor said, "What is it?" The trainer's response: a kiss from Rusty. So they showed Taylor where to stand and Rusty laid one on his cheek! All in all, he was on the stage for almost half the show.

Taylor was thrilled until people started asking for his autograph afterward. He thought they were making fun of him, because they were smiling and calling him a celebrity. People kept recognizing him the rest of the day, and he didn't think that was so great.

Today we are doing the Passion Play at Crystal Cathedral, and Seaworld tomorrow with some great friends who are vacationing in San Diego (the Basils) before coming home Tuesday. What any of this has to do with cancer or prayer requests, I'm not sure! Just wanted to tell you God is blessing us with some great refreshment before we jump back into life in the real world.
Eager to see you all again-
Dan and Tammy

Friday, March 22, 2002 at 05:35 PM (CST)

Praise God! The tumors haven’t grown! The doctor just came with the scan results, and the size of the tumors is the same as when we checked in. He said this is very encouraging because melanoma is aggressive and tends to grow rapidly. Another thing he mentioned was that we have just begun to fill my body with anti-tumor agents and oxygen. The peak of its effectiveness will be seen over the next three months. In other words, the treatment continue to have effect over the next several months—so it is not true that because they aren’t gone now, they aren’t going away at all.

Just to give you some perspective—every time I have been scanned in the past, the tumors have always grown. Stopping melanoma in its tracks is not a common occurrence. Not too difficult for the Great Physician! Now we will embark on the home version of the treatment, which will be fairly intense. I will have intravenous laetrile regularly, a myriad of supplements, a weekly injection of a vaccine that they are creating here using antigens from my own blood, 13 freshly made fruit and vegetable juices taken hourly throughout the day, and a diet of organic fruits and vegetables. All of this is aimed at restoring the immune system to work the way it should.

I woke up scared this morning. I couldn’t get the scan off my mind. The words of Psalm 91 came to mind again, and I just began praying them back to the Lord. The fear disappeared immediately. I just realized that trusting God and giving Him glory in this situation are impossible for me. And that is why I need Him. It is his strength, His joy, His love, His protection, His very life—that has sustained me and my family for the past four months. Praise God that His resources never run out, and they are never more than a simple prayer away. Every time that I have called on Him, He has answered. Every single time.

Your prayers are so precious to me. Please don’t stop. I have a sense that this battle is just beginning, and even though I truly believe God intends for me to survive, I know that the healing is a process. It is in the waiting that we are changed. It’s not what I would prefer, but I’m not in charge (and that’s a good thing!).

For today, I’m not going to focus on the weeks and months ahead. I’m just thanking God for the good news! I think we’ll go to Seaworld to celebrate!

Friday, March 22, 2002 at 05:24 PM (CST)

Praise God! The tumors haven’t grown! The doctor just came with the scan results, and the size of the tumors is the same as when we checked in. He said this is very encouraging because melanoma is aggressive and tends to grow rapidly. Another thing he mentioned was that we have just begun to fill my body with anti-tumor agents and oxygen. The peak of its effectiveness will be seen over the next three months. In other words, the treatment continue to have effect over the next several months—so it is not true that because they aren’t gone now, they aren’t going away at all.

Just to give you some perspective—every time I have been scanned in the past, the tumors have always grown. Stopping melanoma in its tracks is not a common occurrence. Not too difficult for the Great Physician! Now we will embark on the home version of the treatment, which will be fairly intense. I will have intravenous laetrile regularly, a myriad of supplements, a weekly injection of a vaccine that they are creating here using antigens from my own blood, 13 freshly made fruit and vegetable juices taken hourly throughout the day, and a diet of organic fruits and vegetables. All of this is aimed at restoring the immune system to work the way it should.

I woke up scared this morning. I couldn’t get the scan off my mind. The words of Psalm 91 came to mind again, and I just began praying them back to the Lord. The fear disappeared immediately. I just realized that trusting God and giving Him glory in this situation are impossible for me. And that is why I need Him. It is his strength, His joy, His love, His protection, His very life—that has sustained me and my family for the past four months. Praise God that His resources never run out, and they are never more than a simple prayer away. Every time that I have called on Him, He has answered. Every single time.

Your prayers are so precious to me. Please don’t stop. I have a sense that this battle is just beginning, and even though I truly believe God intends for me to survive, I know that the healing is a process. It is in the waiting that we are changed. It’s not what I would prefer, but I’m not in charge (and that’s a good thing!).

For today, I’m not going to focus on the weeks and months ahead. I’m just thanking God for the good news! I think we’ll go to Seaworld to celebrate!

Thursday, March 21, 2002 at 07:53 PM (CST)

Hey gang. No exciting news yet, but it looks like tomorrow there will be, because I did have the scan today--Mexican holiday and all! I also had a catheter removed, which was fairly painless. Today was the last full day of treatment!!!! I put a few different pictures on today. I'll let you know what's up tomorrow. God bless!

Thursday, March 21, 2002 at 12:03 AM (CST)

Thanks so much for all the encouraging notes on my birthday! I jogged on the ocean boardwalk this morning, had my oxygen treatment from 8:00am to 9:15, and then Tammy’s parents took us to a health food restaurant down the road where I had a special birthday meal: buckwheat pancakes and fruit. Boy has life changed! A year ago I was eating as much pizza as I could at Jeno’s in Chicago with Ross while at Moody taking a class. Every once in awhile I think there’s no way I’m going to be able to live on fruit and vegetables for the rest of my life. But then I thank God that I can walk, run, breathe, sing, see, hear, and everything else that He has enabled me to do, and the thrill of being alive makes keeping a diet a minor detail.

Tammy and her parents went to run some errands with Reid while Taylor kept me company in my room as I got my IV drip. I had a light day and finished mid-afternoon, so Taylor and I went down to the beach. Last week was chilly for TJ, but today was beautiful. We made a sandcastle, played Frisbee, and Taylor ran in the surf. It was an afternoon to remember. It makes all the moments I get irritated and frustrated with them seem silly. I needed to just thank God for the privilege of being a dad.

Dr. Contreras, who is the head of the Oasis hospital, came and met with us in our room yesterday. It was a thrill just to meet him. He evaluated our case, and said that he is recommending that I take a vaccine they have developed here upon returning to Minnesota. It is made from my own antigens, and has proven to be effective in immune stimulation. He also said that we are just beginning a process of healing. Sometimes the therapies that I have gotten here do a dramatic reversal of the cancer. But most times they just put the brakes on the cancer so that the immune system can catch up. The process of total healing often takes up to two years. It is not a quick fix. However, the median life span for someone in my condition is 6-9 months from diagnosis, so any talk about 2 years of healing is actually encouraging!

I am still hoping to have the scan tomorrow, but I was just informed that tomorrow is a Mexican holiday, so there’s no telling who’s working and who isn’t. If it doesn’t work out tomorrow, I guess it will happen on Friday. God is granting us peace, thanks to your prayers. We're praying he will bless you the way you've blessed us.
Dan

Tuesday, March 19, 2002 at 02:41 PM (CST)

Surrender. It’s a word that has been easy to sing about or read about in someone else’s life, but vastly different to live it out. It essentially means to give up the control you once had to another. To quit resisting. To give up your own agenda. I have thought about it more the last couple days because this week I will have “the scan.” It is a moment I have thought about and prayed about for quite some time already.

Back in November, three weeks before being diagnosed, I sensed a change coming from God. I wrote in my devotional journal “I sense that God wants me to open myself up to Him to experience Him in ways that I never have before, and that I shouldn’t be fearful about what’s ahead.” The entry was the result of reading Jeremiah 10:23 that says “I know O Lord that a man’s life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps.” The prayer that followed in my journal said this “Direct my life Lord. Make my steps useful for your kingdom, for the glory of your name. I release my life to you today. I trust you to lead me. I abandon myself to your love.”

Back then it was true in principle. Now I can choose to make it true in reality. It is time to live out what it means to abandon myself to His love. When you have laid down everything about your life before God, fear cannot remain—there is nothing more that can be taken away. I have the one thing I desire, and that is Christ.

John 12:24 and 25 were verses that shaped my vision for our new church. I knew that if God were to really bless us, and grant us influence, it would be the result of living out these verses. “I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.” One by one, God has been stripping away all the things that I hold onto which are not Him. There was a time when I feared this. But now I am seeing that whenever he takes something away, it is only to give me something better in return. His life for mine, his joy exchanged for worldly pleasure. There is something more valuable to be gained here than health, and it is Christ.

Please pray that God will protect us from fear as the scan approaches—I think it will be happening on Thursday. Pray that our emotions would not be tied to anything but the truth about who God is. Pray that we will continue to worship, regardless of the outcome. If God gives us the ability to do this, cancer will never defeat us!
Thanks.
Dan

PS-I added a few new pictures. I'll try to change them every couple days to keep life interesting!
ppss- Your prayers for protection are working. Yesterday Reid went under in the deep part of the pool at the hotel, and Tammy saw it happen--she jumped in with her dress on and pulled him out. After he coughed up some water, he jumped in to swim some more.

Tuesday, March 19, 2002 at 02:29 PM (CST)

Surrender. It’s a word that has been easy to sing about or read about in someone else’s life, but vastly different to live it out. It essentially means to give up the control you once had to another. To quit resisting. To give up your own agenda. I have thought about it more the last couple days because this week I will have “the scan.” It is a moment I have thought about and prayed about for quite some time already.

Back in November, three weeks before being diagnosed, I sensed a change coming from God. I wrote in my devotional journal “I sense that God wants me to open myself up to Him to experience Him in ways that I never have before, and that I shouldn’t be fearful about what’s ahead.” The entry was the result of reading Jeremiah 10:23 that says “I know O Lord that a man’s life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps.” The prayer that followed in my journal said this “Direct my life Lord. Make my steps useful for your kingdom, for the glory of your name. I release my life to you today. I trust you to lead me. I abandon myself to your love.”

Back then it was true in principle. Now I can choose to make it true in reality. It is time to live out what it means to abandon myself to His love. When you have laid down everything about your life before God, fear cannot remain—there is nothing more that can be taken away. I have the one thing I desire, and that is Christ.

John 12:24 and 25 were verses that shaped my vision for our new church. I knew that if God were to really bless us, and grant us influence, it would be the result of living out these verses. “I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.” One by one, God has been stripping away all the things that I hold onto which are not Him. There was a time when I feared this. But now I am seeing that whenever he takes something away, it is only to give me something better in return. His life for mine, his joy exchanged for worldly pleasure. There is something more valuable to be gained here than health, and it is Christ.

Please pray that God will protect us from fear as the scan approaches—I think it will be happening on Thursday. Pray that our emotions would not be tied to anything but the truth about who God is. Pray that we will continue to worship, regardless of the outcome. If God gives us the ability to do this, cancer will never defeat us!
Thanks.
Dan
PS--I added a couple pictures, and will try to change them every couple days this week.

Sunday, March 17, 2002 at 06:35 PM (CST)

Hello everyone! This is Tammy. Dan has been asking me to share with you, so I will attempt to express what I have been learning during these past few months.

When I heard the cancer had come back, and that it was stage four, the first thing I experienced was fear. There was a flood of emotions and questions. I never asked “Why God?” but I did ask “God, why Dan? Don’t you know that I love him so much? I’m not done living my life with him yet. I want more! Our boys, how will they understand? Do Taylor and Reid really realize how wonderful their dad is? They need to grow older with their daddy!” These are a few of the thoughts that raced through my mind. My heart was so sad, and fear began to grip me as I was quite emotional. I was mourning losing Dan, and then it hit me—this is crazy. First of all, I haven’t lost him, and secondly, I do not have to be controlled by fear. Christ purchased my victory at Calvary, so I must claim it! Many times God has met me through His Word. What I believe happened in me was a change in my focus. Instead of focusing on the cancer, I started focusing on God and who He is—His power, His love, His faithfulness, His goodness. The truth of who He is, enables me to trust and rest, because He is good. Psalm 46:1 says, “God is our refuge and our strength, an ever present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear…”

Another thing I’m learning is that God will fight this battle for us. In 2 Chronicles 20, the Lord said to King Jehoshaphat, “Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s.” It has been overwhelming at times looking into all the possible cancer treatments. What is so wonderful, is that we can do the needed research, but we don’t have to carry the burden on our own shoulders. He is fully capable of leading us in all these decisions. After all, we are his sheep. We don’t have to be intelligent. We just need a good shepherd, and that is what we have!

Some of the best times I've had here in Tijuana have been in the bathroom! Let me explain. When my spirit is discouraged or I’m losing my focus, I’ve found praise music to be just what I need. So I find my headphones and close the bathroom door and sing to my hearts content! I don’t have a problem singing, however, I’ve been told it’s because I can’t hear myself. Anyways, it always helps, and I end up totally encouraged by God.

This journey has not been an easy one, but God has been so good to us. Our prayer is that we would stay focused on God and he would be glorified in us through all of this. Thank you for all your prayers, cards, financial support and the love that you have showered on us during these past months. God has blessed us and encouraged our hearts through you. We are so grateful to be here, but my heart longs to come home. We love you all!!

Saturday, March 16, 2002 at 02:24 AM (CST)

Hi- I was writing an e-mail to a friend who I met at Oasis, and thought some of you might be dealing with something similar, so I pasted it in here. He lost a 2 year old son to spinal meningitis some years ago. I told him I'd ask you to pray for him. His name is Scott.

What's happening? We have a week left at the wonderful world of Oasis. There has been a deluge of patients, and tonight there wasn't even enough room in the dining hall to hold everyone. This morning they ran out of oatmeal, which was a major disappointment for me.
You got out just in time because I'm preaching at the service here on Sunday! I'm actually looking forward to it. Tammy is planning to go on the weekly shopping trip tomorrow (surprise, surprise :) so I'll probably be watching our kids while they swim at the hotel. They have been swimming a bunch since getting here. It has been too cold to really hang out down by the ocean much, so they've stayed pretty close to the hotel.
I've been thinking alot about one of the questions you raised when we were together. It was in regard to the son you lost, and was something like "Why does God allow that kind of stuff to happen?" First of all, let me just say that my heart went out to you when you told the story of your son. I can't imagine bearing that kind of pain, and I'm sure the wounds are still deep today, even though they may not be as fresh. I would like to address your question, and just tell you my perspective on what the Bible says about it. Please don't think I'm claiming to know an easy answer--just trying to figure out what God says about it.
I don't know about you, but when bad things happen to good people, I want to know why. I think most people try to place blame and define the cause and effect, believing that this will help alleviate some of the pain. It is impossible to do this accurately, because our emotions are so involved, and because we simply don't see the big picture. (I mean we don't understand everything there is to understand about the world and the people in it). Isaiah 55:8-9 says "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." I guess the point is that we may never understand, because we may never see things from God's perspective. We may assume things about God that may not be true, because it would appear that he is cruel, or that he is calloused and unfeeling, or that he is unfair. But Psalm 103 describes Him as compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. It goes on to say "As a father has compassion on His children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him." If anybody knows what it is like to be gripped with compassion for your child, you do. Many other scriptures describe God as passionately in love with those whom he created, to the point that he was willing to give up His only Son to pay for our sin so that we could receive His love. (Romans 5:8)
I think the most important thing is that we make our determination about God by listening to what the Bible says about Him, and not necessarily from the way things look on the surface. (That's why I put the Scripture references in). This is where faith comes in, because faith requires us to believe something that is true, but may not be visible.
If I were in your shoes, I would have been the first one to question God. You want to scream "Why?!" I think God understands this. At the same time, I believe he never stopped loving you, never stopped walking by your side, and that somehow he can take something that was terrible and use it for good. Romans 8:28 says "All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose." In many ways, that is what cancer has done for us, even though it is a terrible, despicable disease. Many times God uses the deepest pain to bring about the greatest good in our lives.
God is in control, and yet because he loves us, he gave us choice. He wanted a relationship with us, and there is no relationship without choice. He could have made us all robots, and then there would be no evil in the world, but he gave us choice and as a result there is a lot of pain in the world because many just plain reject God. It is all the result of sin. The world may seem out of control at times, but there is coming a time when God will put an end to sin and usher those who love Him into an incredible eternity. Revelation 21:4 says "They will be His people, and God himself will be with them, and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death, or mourning, or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." The best is yet to come!
This is beginning to sound like a sermon. Sorry! It has beeen on my heart ever since I heard about your loss. I really enjoyed the time we spent together. You definitely have some Iowa blood in you!
Are you guys bidding on a juicer yet? Let me know. Take care, and get better!
Dan

Friday, March 15, 2002 at 12:35 AM (CST)

Hi gang. I am continually humbled and amazed by the way that God has given you a desire to support and pray for us. We have gotten much mail at the hospital, and we can't wait each night to check the web page. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I want to thank you again! My doctor didn't even show up today. He told me yesterday I'm the most boring patient he has. I think he was referring to the fact that he has stopped every day and asked me how I'm doing and I say "Great!" How do you feel? "Great!" Any questions? "No." Then hasta manana. (See you tomorrow.) Pretty amazing considering that in the states I was basically told to prepare to die. The physical protection that God has given me here has been astounding. Prayer just plain works. I believe it now more than ever before. Thanks for making me the beneficiary. I want you to know that I would love to personally write back to each of you who have signed the guest book, but it would take a great deal of time and pesos. If you would like to communicate personally, just send an e-mail to my address below.
Dad wanted to share his perspective on the whole experience, so here it is:
Hi to family members, staff and students at RVCS and Hull Christian, those other friends in Rock Valley, and to my faithful customers who are able to get into this website!! We had a great flight to San Diego with the grandkids enjoying their first experience in a airplane. Taylor thought the takeoff was “pretty cool!”
We are staying in a motel just down the street from the Oasis Hospital. We are within walking distance of the hospital, nearby restaurants and anything else we need. Dan’s schedule is fairly flexible, so we are able to spend lots of quality time with him and Tammy. Dan and I have been walking each morning at 7:00 a.m. for a half hour and also have made necessary phone calls to friends, family and Chemco to check my voice mail. The ocean is at high tide recently so the waves are pretty powerful. Now I know what Dan was talking about in his earlier journal entry!
The Oasis Hospital is very God-centered and filled with compassionate staff who are concerned about individual patients. According to one of the chief doctors, exercise is extremely important to help reduce the size of any tumors, so the walks are very important. We are so thankful that we can spend a week here and see what the treatments involve as well as meet many of the other cancer patients in the hospital . It’s pretty easy to make friends with them and get involved in their lives as well. I think some of them are glad to see our grandchildren and the liveliness they show. Taylor has already colored some pictures for a man who currently cannot speak but is showing signs of improving each day. We are learning a great deal about the Mexican culture, cancer, healthy diets, and life in general. Thanks so much for your prayers and concern for us and Dan.!!! We will fly back to Minneapolis next Tuesday, drive home Wednesday, and repack, then leave on male chorus tour on Thursday. Take care, everyone, and God bless you all!! Jim and Jan

Wednesday, March 13, 2002 at 10:08 PM (CST)

Today started out with bad news. Helen died last night. She was a patient down the hall who we had come to know and love over the last couple weeks. She and her husband were missionaries in Peru. She was a wise and godly woman. She shared a testimony Sunday morning at church about God’s goodness to her. As she shared, I could tell that this was a woman who had a passion for God. Adjectives spewed out of her as she tried to describe the beauty and power and closeness of the God she had served for so many years. She was in her 70’s, but her mind was very sharp, and she had a lot of advice for me as a pastor. I drank it in.
Then one night last week she got up to use the restroom. She tripped in the darkness and fell, hitting her head as she fell. After the fall she started saying funny things when she talked, and it became obvious that something wasn’t right. Tammy was caring for her one morning when Helen was waiting for a family member to arrive. While Tammy was talking to someone in the cafeteria, Helen disappeared. We searched the whole hospital with a team of people. We found her 15 minutes later in the men’s restroom. We have no idea how she got there, because her wheelchair was right where Tammy left her.
We both prayed for her yesterday morning in her room, and even though her words weren’t making much sense anymore, they were all about Jesus. She was telling me how to pray, and how to use the authority that we have in Christ. She was thanking and praising God right up until the time she went to be with Him.
I will forever be challenged by what I saw in Helen. When the pain is greatest, and when life is difficult, what is inside us comes out. In Helen’s case, what came out was gratitude, a passion for God. Trials show us what we are made of. They reveal what we are really hoping in. I only know that I want to be more like Helen.
“Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish it’s work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.” That was Helen. And I know that Helen would say “Don’t look at me, look at Jesus. He’s the One who gives me joy in suffering. He’s the one who enables me to persevere.” God, thanks for a real life example of the spirit you want for all of us.

Wednesday, March 13, 2002 at 01:01 AM (CST)

I have never squeezed my kids as hard as I did today. It was so great to see them again! Tammy and I surprised them by riding with the shuttle driver across the border to pick them up in San Diego, along with my parents. (We were excited to see you too, Mom and Dad!) We hid behind a wall in the baggage claim and then snuck up behind them and grabbed ‘em! They are an incredible motivation for me to live. I desperately want to see them grow up to become godly men who impact the world.
When we got to the hospital, one of our friends from Spain broke down in tears. We didn’t know why until someone else told us—she also has two boys, and seeing ours just made her weep thinking about how much she missed her own.
Taylor’s first impression of Mexico: “Someone’s been doing some littering around here.” They’ve already been swimming in the outdoor pool at their hotel. I can't wait to show them the ocean!
When I came here I thought I was getting away from work, but as it turns out I was asked if I would share the message this week at the Sunday hospital worship service. Mom will be the guest keyboard player. I pulled out my guitar last Sunday at church, and am finding now that even though my guitar skills are minimal, it is something God can use if I am willing. I am not always so willing.
Yesterday, the hospital missionary was feeling a little overwhelmed with new patients, so I agreed to help him pray with some who were struggling. Tonight I was feeling rushed because the family is here, and we were going to have a birthday party for Reid, and I had to finish up some treatment. In between all this, I somewhat reluctantly took my guitar to play for the man from Zimbabwe with the brain tumor who can’t speak anymore. We sat there in his room—myself, his wife, and Clement—and sang Amazing Grace together. It was a holy moment. I sang and played a few more worship songs, and when I finished, Clement grunted. His wife said that was his way of saying it was really beautiful.
It was another reminder to me that God is so good and powerful, that he can use even our weaknesses to accomplish His purposes if we are even the least bit willing. The Bible says God uses the weak things to shame the strong, and the foolish things to shame the wise. (I Cor. 1:27) The point of all this is so that no one may boast, except for in Christ. This hospital is an amazing example. American doctors have been heard to say “I just can’t believe that you could find something in Mexico that would be better than anything we have here.” But you see, it’s not about technology. It’s not about more intelligent doctors. It’s not about having more money. It is the power of God through simple, ordinary, men and women who have yielded their lives to Him. We have much to learn from these beautiful Mexicans. Their wealth is not our wealth, but I think most would be willing to trade money for what they have—simple faith, and a big God.

Wednesday, March 13, 2002 at 12:46 AM (CST)

I have never squeezed my kids as hard as I did today. It was so great to see them again! Tammy and I surprised them by riding with the shuttle driver across the border to pick them up in San Diego, along with my parents. (We were excited to see you too, Mom and Dad!) We hid behind a wall in the baggage claim and then snuck up behind them and grabbed ‘em! They are an incredible motivation for me to live. I desperately want to see them grow up to become godly men who impact the world.
When we got to the hospital, one of our friends from Spain broke down in tears. We didn’t know why until someone else told us—she also has two boys, and seeing ours just made her weep thinking about how much she missed her own.
Taylor’s first impression of Mexico: “Someone’s been doing some littering around here.” He and Reid have already been swimming in the outdoor pool at their hotel.
When I came here I thought I was getting away from work, but as it turns out I was asked if I would share the message this week at the Sunday hospital worship service. Mom will be the guest keyboard player. I pulled out my guitar last Sunday at church, and am finding now that even though my guitar skills are minimal, it is something God can use if I am willing. I am not always so willing.
Yesterday, the hospital missionary was feeling a little overwhelmed with new patients, so I agreed to help him pray with some who were struggling. Tonight I was feeling rushed because the family is here, and we were going to have a party for Reid, and I had to finish up some treatment. In between all this, I somewhat reluctantly took my guitar to play for the man from Zimbabwe who can’t speak anymore. We sat there in his room—myself, his wife, and Clement—and sang Amazing Grace together. It was a holy moment. I sang and played a few more worship songs, and when I finished, Clement grunted. His wife said that was his way of saying it was really beautiful.
It was another reminder to me that God is so good and powerful, that he can use even our weaknesses to accomplish His purposes if we are even the least bit willing. The Bible says God uses the weak things to shame the strong, and the foolish things to shame the wise. (I Cor. 1:27) The point of all this is so that no one may boast, except for in Christ. This hospital is an amazing example. American doctors have been heard to say “I just can’t believe that you could find something in Mexico that would be better than anything we have here.” But you see, it’s not about technology. It’s not about more intelligent doctors. It’s not about having more money. It is the power of God through simple, ordinary, men and women who have yielded their lives to Him. We have much to learn from these beautiful Mexicans. Their wealth is not our wealth, but I think most would be willing to trade money for what they have—simple faith, and a big God.

Monday, March 11, 2002 at 05:36 PM (CST)

Que pasa? It's another sunny day in Tijuana, and if that weren't enough, our boys are coming tomorrow! Mom and dad are bringing them, and are planning to stay a week. We had our hospital church service yesterday, which was wonderful. I did my four songs, one of which was Allabare (a Spanish song). The Mexican patients had huge smiles. There are some very special patients and companions here, and we have become a family in a very short time. It is amazing how many barriers come down when you are in the midst of a life and death battle. Little things don't irritate, because you realize how insignificant they really are. Let me tell about a few people.
Scott and his wife Beth, are from Phoenix, and he has melanoma. I knew from day one that Scott was in my corner, and has been a great encouragement to me. Robert is from Sydney, Australia, and owns an international karate studio. He brought pictures of his helicopter and yacht, and we've already decided that we will have an Oasis reunion on his yacht in a year. Clement is from Zimbabwe, where he pastors a church. Two months ago he appeared fine, now he can't even talk because a brain tumor is taking over. His family members are beautiful in their faith. Ray is the tall Texan. Every day I ask him how he's feeling and he says "Wale, fon." That means, well, fine for those of you up north. Hyong is from England, although she grew up in China. She loves God with everything in her, and is a pleasure to be around. Ada, from L.A., has become Tammy's shopping buddy. She is in her 60's, but has the spirit of a teenager. I regularly make fun of her, and she gives it right back. Andrew and his wife are from South Africa. Today was his first day out of his wheelchair, and he was excited! Seamus and his wife Carol are from Ireland, and his favorite saying is "I need to eat a wee bit more vegetables." As you can tell, we are from all over the world, but we have become a family. I love these people, and it will be a difficult day when we have to say good-bye to them. It just strikes me that this is really what the Church should be. Many of the issues that separate us are not significant in light of eternity. At Oasis, we have much in common--a common enemy, a common mission, and for many of us, a common Savior. The same is true in the Church. Life is too short to waste it with bitterness or arguments over petty issues.
I'm still thanking God and all of you who helped make it possible for us to be here. I know that it is, but even if the medicine wasn't working, the very atmosphere is healing. Thank you.
Dan and Tammy

Saturday, March 09, 2002 at 05:07 PM (CST)

Hi gang. The phones in the hospital have taken a vacation from working, but I could only deal without e-mail for so long. I am down the street in the back room of a computer sales store. They don't seem to mind me using their computer--but I really can't tell what they're saying. Tammy is shopping with some other patients' companions--just wanted you to know she isn't suffering too much here! I am hoping to go to Colina de Luz (the orphanage that we went to in 98 and 99 with the MGEFC youth group) tomorrow afternoon. We are about 20 minutes from there. I can't wait to see those kids! I am also leading the worship at the Hospital worship service tomorrow. Those poor people are going to hear the only 4 songs I know on the guitar. Please pray that some of my patient friends will come. Cancer is a terrifying and absolutely miserable experience for anyone who doesn't know the love of God in a personal way. God is beginning to open doors for ministry here, and I am excited about that.
I was awake late last night reading the lyrics to a bunch of hymns in a hymnal I was given to prepare for the Sunday service. There is one that brings tears to my eyes every time we sing it at Woodland, and even as I read the words now--the title: O The Deep, Deep Love of Jesus. Here are a few lyrics--O, the deep, deep love of Jesus, vast unmeasured, boundless, free. Rolling as a mighty ocean in it's fullness over me. Underneath me all around me, is the current of thy love. Leading onward, leading homeward, to thy glorious rest above." Another verse says "tis an ocean vast of blessing, tis a haven sweet of rest. O the deep, deep love of Jesus tis a heaven of heavens to me. And it lifts me up to glory for it lifts me up to thee." The words of this song echo in my mind as I walk along the ocean. It is high tide right now, and the waves are crashing hard. I've been overwhelmed by waves before, and right now I feel overwhelmed by the love of God. Maybe I sound like a broken record. It's just that I can't imagine ever being satisfied with anything else again. The world has no comparison. There is no success, no measure of the approval of people, no material possession or even an earthly relationship that could ever compare to the deep, deep love of Jesus. The more I get lost in it, the more I forget I'm even sick. If I didn't have tubes coming from my chest, I wouldn't remember. What in the world is there to fear in the face of this kind of love? What is there to worry about? What is there to be irritated by? What is there to be bitter about?
We tend to define ourselves by what people say about us, or what we do--whether that be good or bad. I'm a teacher, I'm a farmer, I'm a businessman--or even spiritually--I'm a failure, I'm a regular church-goer, or I'm addicted to this or that. The truth is, I am one who is constantly being pursued by the deep, deep love of Jesus. And the miracle about this pursuit is that it is not to catch up to me to give me what I deserve. He pursues me in order to bless. Unbelievable. How can we do anything but surrender and worship?
Til next time-
Dan

Friday, March 08, 2002 at 12:49 AM (CST)

Today is Health Education Day on the Roelofs website :) Part of our stay at Oasis has been a thorough education about the body, what makes it sick, and how God designed it to heal. I am more in awe of the Designer every day here. At Oasis, they do not just treat symptoms. They identify causes, and then help you get healthy again--not just free of disease. There is a big difference! Conventional medicine largely seeks to eradicate the disease through the use of drugs. I am not questioning whether God uses drugs, but just pointing out that this is not the focus here.
Tammy and I moved this past fall to a different house. We spent hours and hours thinking and planning and looking for the perfect house for our family in the community we were moving to. We were pretty passionate about finding the right house. I have never been near as passionate about taking care of what God calls my "temple." Can you believe that? More concerned about 3 bedrooms up and hardwood floors than the body that would house the very Spirit of God? Does it matter to God that I paid very little attention to my diet whatsoever in the past? Does God care whether I exercise? Is He concerned with how much I sleep? Does He have an opinion on whether I work 70 hours a week or 50? Yes, yes, and yes! These issues matter to God, but to a large degree I have treated my body like I didn't care in the least what God thinks about it. When you face the possibility of not having another birthday, suddenly your health takes a more significant place in your priorities.
Tammy and I sat at lunch again today with an 80 year old genius named Charlotte Gerson. She is the author of "The Gerson Therapy," a system of health restoration that has seen dramatic results for many different diseases, cancer included. She has no glasses, no age spots on her skin, and she is sharp as a tack. She pleaded with us to save the health of our kids by refusing them fast food, junk food, and anything that has been refined and packaged and in her words "poisoned." She says she sees a major health crisis coming in our country because we eat out, we eat quickly, and we eat indisriminately. And then we take a pill or two which should hopefully right all the wrongs, because we don't want to change the way we live. Her father, Max Gerson, is the doctor who developed the Gerson therapy, and saw thousands of cancer patients totally healed. However, he was not allowed to practice medicine in the United States because drug companies make no money on fruits and vegetables. He was labeled a quack and banished to Mexico. So here we are, watching miracles happening around us through a man and his daughter and several others who have been been told that disease cannot be cured without drugs.
I secretly hoped God would heal me, and then I could go back to living however I wanted. I didn't want to have to change my diet or my schedule or any of that. To be honest, I don't like the thought of anyone telling me what to eat, or how much to work, or how much to sleep. (Ok, so I'm addicted to ice cream. I admit it. Kemps Campfire Smores to be exact.) But God is showing me these things matter greatly to Him, and if I want Him to be Lord, truly in control of every area of my life, then my schedule, my diet, and even my rest are in His hands. This is actually great news, because He knows how to take care of me a lot better than I do anyway.
God bless-
Dan

Thursday, March 07, 2002 at 12:03 AM (CST)

Hi again. I hope you don't mind me updating every day--I don't always have exciting news, but I love to stay in touch with you. Today was another great day--day two on the oxygen treatment and no side effects again. I almost feel guilty--some people here are suffering so much, and I feel so blessed. If you could, please pray that we could be an encouragement to those who are struggling. Staying positive hasn't been a huge challenge for me only because I feel great. It's more difficult for those who can't get out of bed. Scott is another melanoma patient who has really been struggling the last couple days. He grew up near where I did, so we had a lot to talk about right away. We talked about faith last night, and I can tell he is giving more thought to eternity now than he ever has before.
The time hooked up to machines has been a great blessing. It has forced me to sit and do nothing for a period of time, and I have come to appreciate this. It has caused me to slow down--to "be still and know that He is God." The last few months I have felt very pursued by God. I'm a little embarassed that it took cancer to really get my attention, but it is an incredible thing to think about the fact that God will go to great lengths to show us how much He loves us. I feel like Tammy and I have been sent to Tijuana so that we will stop and listen to God while he explains how deeply He is in love with us. It is hard to deny his existence as I sit on the beach watching ocean waves crashing against the shore as the sun comes up in the morning. I have done a lot of talking to God in my life, but I haven't done a bunch of listening. I am learning the joy of listening, but still wrestle with the thought that the King would actually want to communicate with me. But I know it's true, and if this was all I had to cling to it would be enough. And if it's true of me, it's true of you, too. Today. Even now. It's clear to me now that I don't have anything more important to do than to listen. God bless--
Dan

Tuesday, March 05, 2002 at 10:54 PM (CST)

Today was the first good news I have heard from a doctor since this whole adventure began. Dr. Gutierrez told me that the scan results were back, and.....the cancer is still there, but if it has grown in the last month, it has been very minimal, if at all. The machine used here is a little different than the one used in Illinois, so it is impossible to do an exact comparison. However, at the very least, the growth has slowed because the previous month showed the largest tumor doubling in size in a month. I am beginning to believe that the interleukin treatment actually accelerated the growth of the tumors. But that is all behind me, and now we are ready to focus on getting better.
Today I had the treatment that others have said is the most difficult--the oxygen treatment. Your prayers are working, because I didn't feel a thing. They ran all of my blood out one tube and then there was another running it back into my body, and in between it goes into a machine that oxygenates the blood. I experienced no side effects whatsoever! The only problem (which the nurses laughed about) was that I was too tall for the bed, so they rigged up the pillows to support me.
Tonight we sat around the dinner table with some new friends from Australia, Arizona, and California, and talked about the blessings that we've received in the midst of having cancer. Each one is from a very different background, spiritually speaking, but all talked about the security of knowing that what we have in Christ can never be taken away. This environment is unbelievable! It is such a gift to be here.
Well, I'm going to go to sleep so I can get up in time to walk on the beach before breakfast tomorrow. I had to put that in for all of you chilling in the midwest!

Monday, March 04, 2002 at 09:55 PM (CST)

Hello again everyone! My nurse says "Ola amigos!" I have been working on my spanish again, and the nurses laugh at me. I'm not sure why. As Mom already wrote, this is a very unique hospital. Example: I had a minor surgery today to install a sub-clavean catheter, and before he began, the surgeon laid his hands on me and prayed for the operation. They recognize God as the source of healing, and there are many miracles that have happened here as a result.
I didn't get the results of my CT Scan back yet today, but I'm sure I will tomorrow. My blood tests were all normal, so we were encouraged by that.
We are so grateful to be here. God has taken such good care of us. So many of you prayed or gave finances to help us come, and we are so thankful! It is difficult to put into words how blessed we have been by your love and support. We eagerly look forward to the next time we can read guest book notes on the web site, because it is so encouraging.
We have breaks in our schedule occasionally, and we have been walking on the beach (it's two blocks away) or reading or talking to other patients. Hey MGEFC youth group, do you remember Rosarita Beach? Tammy and I went to the exact same spot on Saturday! The horses are still there, the women hair braiders were still there, and the 3-year olds selling chiclets were still there. Every store owner claims they have a special deal just for you waiting inside their store.
I have had all the different treatments except for the most difficult one, and that will start tomorrow. My body has been handling them very well, and the side effects have been minimal. Today I had lunch with two guys who have been here a relatively short time. One guy had two tumors disappear in 9 days after he had been here. His disease: melanoma. We feel like we are right where God wants us, and are thankful He cares enough to lead us in every decision. Have a good night--I'll let you know about the scan tomorrow. Adios, amigos.
Dan

Saturday, March 02, 2002 at 11:02 PM (CST)

Dear friends and family,
My name is Jan, and I'm honored to be Dan's mother! My husband, Jim, and I just got off the phone after talking with Dan for about an hour. (We could hear Tammy singing in the background!!) Dan asked me to update his journal because his computer has not yet been connected for internet access. So, I will do my best to tell you about his first one and a half days of treatment.

The flight to San Diego went well, and they arrived on time. They have a large, very comfortable room in the Oasis of Hope Hospital. The room has a double bed as well as a regular hospital bed, so Tammy can live right there. One of their first impressions of the hospital was the number of framed Scripture texts hanging on the walls. Dan is also impressed with his doctor who explained the treatment very thoroughly and also explained why each detail of the treatment is important. Most importantly, though, was the doctor's focus on God's power and desire to heal, and on how he as a doctor would help Dan's immune system to function well again. He repeatedly stressed that it is the Lord who heals. He emphasized the importance of prayer, and he also wished peace of mind for them. At the end of the consultation, the doctor said, "And now we must pray." So, he took hold of their hands and they prayed together! What a way to begin!
Dan reports that he has already had several enemas of different solutions: chamomile, shark cartilege, and ?! Also, he has had IV laetrile and the chelation tonic of megadoses of many vitamins and enzymes. He enjoys the food - many varieties of fresh fruits and veggies, and lots of good salads and fruit juices as well as green juices. He said the food is tasty and satisfying, and he doesn't feel like the diet will be impossible to follow. On Monday he will have a CT scan.
He and Tammy are asking for prayers for wisdom now since they must choose one of two good routes of treatment, quite similar, and yet with some significant differences. They are convinced that they are where God wants them to be, and they know He is right beside them. God is so good, and we are all blessed by your love and prayers. Hopefully Dan will be able to send you his greetings on Monday. Have a wonderful Sunday!

Thursday, February 28, 2002 at 10:29 PM (CST)

Hello again! This is the last time you'll hear from me north of the border for the next while. We will continue to send updates from the hospital though, so feel free to keep checking. By noon tomorrow we should be checked in at the hospital, and the treatment starts immediately. Some of you have asked questions about the treatment, so I'll tell you what I know.
The first thing to happen will probably be a CT Scan, which will tell them where the cancer is. If things go as I'm anticipating, we'll be back on a plane to Minnesota by late afternoon because nothing showed up. If not, we'll embark on 21 days of detoxifying, a strict vegetarian diet, intravenous doses of laetrile (B17), and oxygenation treatment. The detoxing of the body happens through the diet and a total of 54 enemas. Yep. 54. If you call and can't reach me, just wait for me to get out of the bathroom! The laetrile is a substance found in the pits of apricots and other fruits that has a cancer-killing effect. It does not kill healthy cells, and this makes it a really effective treatment. The oxygen therapy is based on the assumption that cancer cells cannot live in an oxygenated environment. They will pump my blood into a dialysis machine, infuse the oxygen, and pump it back into my body again.
I have heard varied reports on the side effects from these treatments, but I'm pretty sure it will not be as brutal as the last round of treatment I had. I'm praying I'll be able to breeze through without any major complications or side effects.
It is hard for me to know where to begin as I seek to describe what this week has been like. I have simply been overwhelmed by the love of God. There have been a lot of things I thought would satisfy me over the course of my life, but they have all been cheap substitutes for intimacy with the Lord Jesus. I am sensing the satisfaction of being totally and passionately loved by God.
This love doesn't fail or let me down. It never goes away. It is vast, unmeasured, boundless, free. It is undeserved. It flows from the heart of God, tumbling out, falling down upon me. It covers me--as my friend wrote today--like a warm, soft, fresh-out-of-the-dryer blanket. It won't let me go. It fills me up, leaves me lacking for nothing.
I don't know how long I'll live, but in reality, neither do you. I'll plead with you--if you've never put your hope in God, don't wait another day! Life is too short to waste it on cheap thrills, nice stuff, and meaningless accomplishments. I can honestly say that I have never had so much joy as I have since being diagnosed with cancer. All that is meaningless has been stripped away. Loving God and loving people have become paramount. Life has never been so good.

Wednesday, February 27, 2002 at 11:20 PM (CST)

Yesterday I had the privilege of helping to wash the feet of a fellow minister as we prayed over him and sent him off to his next mission, which is a ministry in another city. The community leaders in Elk River meet every Tuesday to pray at noon, and we share some incredibly sweet fellowship--many denominations, one Lord. As we literally washed his feet, it struck me that Jesus himself would have humbled himself and honored this man by washing his feet. For some reason, I struggle to imagine the King of Kings and Lord of Lords washing my feet. I don't feel worthy.
But Jesus has washed our feet through you. You have prayed fervently for us, you have made meals for us, you have taken care of our kids, you have sent notes of encouragement, you have painted our bedrooms, you have blown snow out of our driveway when I was too weak to do it...the list goes on and on. And now you have paid the entire hospital bill at Oasis of Hope. We reached our goal tonight. 5 days. $23,000. What in the world can I say but "thank you Lord." I feel like I have just opened a gift, and God has been watching, waiting, smiling with anticipation as He watches the look on our faces. Could it be that he delights to provide for us, to bless us, to meet our every need?
We are humbled and incredibly blessed by your sacrificial love. I feel like I have just witnessed a miracle. Why in the world do I ever doubt Him?
I think I'm going to have a hard time going to sleep tonight.
We love you...and thank you again for making the love of God real and present to us.
Dan

Wednesday, February 27, 2002 at 09:17 AM (CST)

Hi gang! Here's a quick update for you:
We heard from our treasurer Marley that as of last night, $15,569 has come in toward our next treatment at the Oasis of Hope Hospital. Less than $7,000 to go! Wow, is God teaching us some amazing lessons.
We are busy trying to get everything in order to leave Friday morning. Please pray that we could make our connecting flight out of Denver to San Diego because they have much to do to get us set up before the weekend, and don't want us there any later than we are scheduled to arrive.
Our mailing address while in Tijuana is Oasis of Hope Hospital, PO Box 439045 San Ysidro, CA 92143. They have the mail sent here because it is faster for them to drive across the border and pick it up than for mail to be sent directly to the hospital. There is a computer that the patients can use, so I will do my best to keep updating this site from the hospital.
Listen to this verse from Psalm 91 in the Message Bible: "If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God, "I'll get you out of any trouble. I'll give you the best of care if you'll only get to know and trust me. Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times; I'll rescue you, then throw you a party."
As I write, it's Wednesday morning. I'll update you on the financial situation this afternoon after the mail comes! Have a great day!
Dan

Monday, February 25, 2002 at 07:51 PM (CST)

Hey everyone--
For all of you we have never met--those of you who've been asking for a face to go with the names you've been praying for--there are now pictures on the web site! Just wanted to let you know. The funds have begun to come in, and we are sensing more than ever before that going to Oasis of Hope is really what God would have us to do. Taylor and Reid are so excited about getting to ride on an airplane, and Taylor has decided to wear his swimming suit every day until "California day" so that he is ready to swim when he gets there. Tammy and I will leave Friday morning, and Taylor and Reid will come with Grandpa and Grandma Roelofs in a week and a half or so. Then Grandpa and Grandma Schwitters are coming to replace the other grandparents as babysitters. We found out today that we will have a mailing address while there, and I will post it tomorrow.
I will let you know where we are with our goal of $22,750. It's a miracle in progress! God bless!

Friday February 22, 2002 8:05 PM CST

Hi gang! Today has been an incredible day! Tammy and I snuck away to a camp up north in the woods so that we could pray. We just wanted to be silent before the Lord to wait on Him before we make the next decision. It was awesome! God is clearly leading, and I'll tell you about that in a minute.
One thing He seemed to be communicating to us today was the need to trust Him and praise Him regardless of the way things look or the way we feel. Feelings fluctuate and circumstances change, but God is unchanging and always trustworthy. Faith is about believing when we can't see or feel. What is so cool though is that when we focus on who God's Word says He is, our feelings begin to change. Every day we have a choice to worship.
Another thought that came to me today was this: I may have cancer in my body, and it is even possible that God will choose not to heal. But, I do not have to be defeated by cancer, and I will not!!! It cannot make me depressed, it cannot steal my joy, it cannot cause me to be selfish, it cannot force me to worry. These are all choices I can make. Jesus died so that I wouldn't have to be a slave to these things, and as long as I'm alive, I have a choice. I choose Christ!
OK, more good news--God seems to be paving the way for us to our next treatment. I can't go into all the details, but I can tell you I am convinced that God wants me to receive treatment at the Oasis of Hope Hospital in Tijuana. It is an alternative medicine treatment center, and they have had remarkable results treating melanoma patients. They give non-toxic treatments intravenously, and will have me on a three-week program. The more that I have read about melanoma patients at this hospital, the more encouraged I have become. The reason they are in Tijuana is primarily because the FDA would not allow them to use laetrile, one of their main cancer fighting agents, here in the US. If you want to find out more, look up oasisofhope.com.
There is only one obstacle between us and this treatment center--the cashier's check for $22,750 that we have to provide up front. Gulp. Because it is an alternative medicine center, insurance doesn't pay. It seems huge to us, but again, God has shown us hundreds of times that where he leads he provides.
Please, for the sake of Pete, do not feel pressured to participate in this financially. I'd rather have a root canal than for you to feel any kind of pressure. However, if God gives you the desire to help in this way, just send your check made out to Woodland Fellowship Benevolent Fund to Marley Holgrimson, Woodland Fellowship Treasurer, 9946 Deerwood Lane N. Maple Grove, MN 55369. Just attach a note on a piece of paper saying what you want it to go for. We are hoping to leave on Thursday or Friday of next week. I know it will take a miracle, but that is kind of what this whole thing has been about from the beginning.
OK, that was one of my least favorite things to do in life--share a financial need--but several of you have asked how you can help, and maybe this is a way you can participate. For all its ups and downs, this sure has been an incredible ride. I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings! In case you've forgotten, we love you and are deeply grateful for your prayers!

Thursday February 21, 2002 10:32 AM CST

We had our long awaited doctor appointment yesterday with a man who is the "Melanoma Guru" of the Twin Cities. He was kind and very knowledgable about conventional treatment of melanoma. He has knowledge of and access to everything being used to treat melanoma around the country, and collaborates with the Mayo doctors frequently. He presented some different treatment options to us, one of which was a vaccine clinical trial that I may or may not be eligible for. You need to have a certain antigen in your blood to be eligible, so they took some blood and sent it off to be tested. I will know about that in a week or so.
The most discouraging part of the meeting was that he made it clear that curing this is no longer the goal of treatment. All of the options presented are given in the hope of "buying time" as he put it. To be honest, we are not very interested in "buying time."
Tammy said to me, "Why did he have to put it that way?" My thought was that this is simply the way the world views things. They have no way to see outside statistics and medicines. This is what we came to him to find out, and he told us. It is true that the world of statistics and diseases is real, and we are not trying to deny that I have a very life-threatening illness. However, God is in no way limited by statistics, and we are choosing to keep looking at it from His point of view. We have to!
This morning Swindoll had a message about Abraham and Isaac, and being willing to surrender what you cherish most to God. I feel so much like Abraham. I want to live in the worst way. But surrender means I am willing to lay my life on the altar, trusting that God is good, and He knows exactly what He is doing. Whatever God gives back when we have surrendered everything to Him is far greater than whatever we give up. I know Abraham must have been thinking, "This makes no sense!" as he trudged up the mountain with his son and a knife in his belt. But he trusted God, and so he obeyed. I want to be like Abraham.
God arranged for us to meet with a doctor on Monday who is an expert in alternative medicine. It was a door we didn't even knock on, but was simply opened to us. We have heard from the best that conventional medicine has to offer, and now we'll hear from the best of alternative medicine. Our plan is to take a day at a time and walk through the open doors and turn aside from those that are closed. God reminded me yesterday that our hope is in his faithfulness to us, not in our ability to follow Him. Psalm 91:4 "His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." His commitment to us is unwavering, even though ours is feeble toward Him. Seems to good to be true. But it is!
Thank you again for caring and praying. Your notes of encouragement bless us more than you can know!

Monday February 18, 2002 3:04 PM CST

Yesterday (Sunday) was an incredible day. We had a wonderful worship service at Woodland with a distinct sense of God's presence. I come away almost every Sunday being so blessed by what I see God doing around me. Every once in awhile I have to pinch myself to see if it is all real. I am so grateful to come into the presence of God with the group he has assembled at the Elk River movie theater. There is a sense of excitement in the air during and after the service. When we began, most people had gone home by 10 minutes after the service. Yesterday we were kicking them out at noon, and the service ended at 10:45!
After the service we came back to our house with a group of leaders from the church to have lunch and a time of prayer. We first spent about 20-25 minutes reading Scripture about the power and love and majesty of God. Then we focused on verses that talked about the spiritual battle, God's absolute authority in the midst of it, and Satan's defeat. By the end of the Scripture reading, I couldn't wait to pray! What followed was what I believe was the most powerful and heartfelt time of prayer that we have ever had as a leadership team.
We closed our prayer time by doing what James 5 tells us to do for those who are sick--to call for the elders of the church who will lay hands on the sick person, annoint them with oil, and pray for them. Verse 15 says the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well. Our leadership team has seemed to be under a great deal of physical attack lately--several have dealt with serious medical issues in the last couple months. My friend Pat Gallagher and myself are the two who are still waiting for healing. We prayed for Pat, and then they prayed for me. I will never, ever forget this time of prayer.
It was very special and encouraging to me because these people have labored with me through good and bad times, and have shared the vision that I have for seeing God transform the city of Elk River and Sherburne county with the Gospel. They have believed in me when they had no good reason to. And now we are finally seeing God begin to break open the dam, and these people are still by my side. So when we prayed together yesterday, I felt like they were in the trench with me, wrestling in the spiritual realm for my life in prayer. They literally cried out to God for healing, and for Him to be made famous because of my cancer.
I know that what happened in my living room yesterday is only a picture of what is happening all over the country as so many of you have been praying. I am so humbled, knowing that I have not done anything to deserve your love and prayers. Tammy and I have been talking about the worship celebration (party!) that we will have when the doctor can't explain where the cancer went. You are all going to be invited!

Saturday February 16, 2002 11:33 AM CST

I know you can only pray accurately as I am real and transparent with you, so here goes...
I woke up despondent this morning because that is the way I went to bed last night. My interactions with people the last couple days have left me somewhat discouraged, mostly because I get a lot of sympathetic looks and comments. The look in their eyes says "I'm sorry you're dying." I almost started to believe them. A former doctor called to try to tell me I should have come to him all along, referring to my situation as a crisis. Everything I read on the internet tells me it is a crisis.
Seen through human eyes, I guess it looks like a crisis. However, God woke me up to the truth that through the eyes of faith, it is nowhere near a crisis. Healing me is no more difficult for God than healing someone of a cold. If God were not present I would have reason to fret. But that is not the case! Fear and discouragement and all the other flaming arrows cannot land when I hold up the shield of faith. Jesus is ALWAYS victorious, and when I allow him to live through me, I am able to walk in astounding victory. The promises I have read in the Word have sustained me, encouraged me, and enabled me to fight, and that is what this is. What unbelievable power there is in the Word of God. Pull out your sword and use it!
By the way, I feel like a million bucks! I'm eating great, sleeping 10 hours a night, and working out daily. Reid is waiting for me to come and do situps and pushups with him--better go!
PS--There are previous entries, so if you feel like you're in the middle of a story you don't understand, just go to the archives.


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Saturday February 16, 2002 10:57 AM CST

I know you can only pray accurately as I am real and transparent with you, so here goes...
I woke up despondent this morning because that is the way I went to bed last night. My interactions with people the last couple days have left me somewhat discouraged, mostly because I get a lot of sympathetic looks and comments. The look in their eyes says "I'm sorry you're dying." I almost started to believe them. A former doctor called to try to tell me I should have come to him all along, referring to my situation as a crisis. Everything I read on the internet tells me it is a crisis.
Seen through human eyes, I guess it looks like a crisis. However, God woke me up to the truth that through the eyes of faith, it is nowhere near a crisis. Healing me is no more difficult for God than healing someone of a cold. If God were not present I would have reason to fret. But that is not the case! Fear and discouragement and all the other flaming arrows cannot land when I hold up the shield of faith. Jesus is ALWAYS victorious, and when I allow him to live through me, I am able to walk in astounding victory. The promises I have read in the Word have sustained me, encouraged me, and enabled me to fight, and that is what this is. What unbelievable power there is in the Word of God. Pull out your sword and use it!
By the way, I feel like a million bucks! I'm eating great, sleeping 10 hours a night, and working out daily. Reid is waiting for me to come and do situps and pushups with him--better go!
PS--There are previous entries, so if you feel like you're in the middle of a story you don't understand, just go to the archives.

Thursday February 14, 2002 7:38 PM CST

Just a brief note to catch you up to speed. Last Monday, we were at the hospital in Zion, IL, to begin round three of the treatment. Earlier in the afternoon I got scanned, and those scan results came back quickly. I sat down with my doctor and he told me that they did not show what we were hoping for. The bottom line was that the tumors in my lungs had continued to grow and spread in spite of the treatment. The treatment did not seem to have any effect at all on the spread of the disease. The doctor's advice was to discontinue the treatment. I was quick to agree since it had been extremely difficult to endure. He told us that we were pretty much done at this hospital, and recommended that we do some internet research and find out what other clinical trials might be going on for melanoma treatment. We were devastated when we heard the news of the scan, but God quickly picked us up and has been very gracious to us in the last week. It is quite possible that the last 10 days have seen our hearts more engaged with God than we ever have been before. He has encouraged us through His Word, he has given us peace and even joy!, and a confidence that He is in control and He will guide our next steps. As of today we have not made a decision yet about what to do for my next treatment. We were referred to one doctor in the Twin Cities by three different people, so we have an appointment with him next Wednesday (the 20th). It is not as soon as we would like, but this is about God's timing, not ours. 2 Chronicles 20:12 says "We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you." I couldn't have said it better. I have said it before in e-mails, but I'll say it again: This is not about finding the right treatment. It is not about cancer. It is about loving God, listening to His voice, and letting Him shape our hearts. Just because the disease has spread does not make healing any more difficult for God. Please pray that He would give us grace to keep our eyes on Him. Everything else looks insignificant after you have been looking to the King of Kings, the Author of Life, the Savior of the world. Oh, and I wouldn't be opposed to prayers for healing. Til next time--God bless.
Dan

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