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Hi, my name is Nikki and I am 19 yrs old. I was born with a rare heart defect that only happens every 10 years. I was born with a transpositional heart. Which means my heart worked backwards and did the opposite of what it is suppose to do. It also had a hole the size of a fifty cent piece in it. They were able to fix the hole but my heart wore out from having to work so hard so I needed a heart transplant. I got a heart transplant on September 18th 2003.(check December 16 journal for a brief history) This is where my new life begins.
Journal
Monday, February 26, 2007 0:31 AM CST i can't believe its almost been a year since i last wrote anything. and more so i cant believe people still check in on me even though i haven't entered anything. I don't have the internet anymore and the libery doesn't give you enough time to do everything you need to.
Friday was the ann. of my first heart transplant. It has been eleven years and so much has changed and at the sometime it amazes me how much they haven't. First of all I remembered my ann. earlier in the week but then forgot about it on friday. It made me feel bad that i forgot. Not because of me but because its the one day that i usually set aside to honor the family that gave me a second chance at life. I honor the families loss and the life of the person that died. That heart may not have been my perfect match but it gave me life for 7 more years. so thank you to the family that gave me more time with mine. i think that the heart could have lasted me longer if i wasn't so stupid with it. and for that i am sorry to the family for not taking care of your gift to me. I didn't take my meds i never exercised. then i didn't take my meds again. it was a bad cycle that i was in. I don't know why i did it. My reason always changed. They make me sick, they don't work, I don't want to be around anymore. my parents got divored, i'm to lazy. So hear is that part that i said so much has change and yet so much is the same.
When i got this new heart i felt GREAT! better then i had ever felt in my whole life. I said i was always going to remember that feeling and take care of this heart. I was done being a stupid teenager, im an adult right?. after my transplant i lost lots of weight and my diabeties with it. Then i started eating everything partly for the meds and partly cuz had eaten anything good in a long time cuz of the diets i was on. Besides the food i was doing good. i got a job and friends. then i got my own place my life was finally being lived like i wanted. So then why if everything is so good do i still not take my meds like i am supose to? what is wrong with me. I want to but i don't want to. And why have i drank when i know it could kill me. I struggled when i moved out with money and managing it. but it didn't take me to long after having to pay for bounsed checks to figure it out. but why after two heart transplants and dying once and almost dying again can't i learn to take my meds like i should. Im good at taking them at night. cuz i have a routine at night. I crawl in bed at ten and take my meds in bed and then watch the news and go to sleep. but I can't for the life of me take them in the morning. i remeber them most of the time but don't want to take the time to stop what im doing to take them. I don't know why its not that hard and yet I don't. I dont know if that is the reason i don't take them cuz I don't really think about not taking them i just don't. Not only do i struggle with my meds i struggle with my food. I have diabeties again cuz i am fat. Im almost up to 200lbs. I cant believe it. I joyed the gym but hate going. its boring and they don't have music. it is so quite that it drives me crazy. if i get myself there its not so bad and its easier if i have someone to go with but after i go i pig out. Im hungry or at least i think i am. i love food and i love junk food. im trying really hard the last month to cut it out and to eat sugar fee food cuz my sugar has been in the 400s and i feel tired all the time and crappy. but its so hard i think about food all the time and my diabeties meds aren't working for me so i have to try and get different stuff so i can give in a little to my junk food. cuz i find that i don't engorge so much if i don't tell myself i cant have it. tonight brian told me i need to eat better cuz i was telling him i was scared for my appointment tomorrow cuz i havent felt good latly. it made me sad cuz i try and i don't feel like anyone understands the fight i have with food. I use to eat late at night so no one would see me eat and when i was younger my brothers friends made fun of my fat cheeks. i have issuses with them still today. I hate being fat and yet i dont do anything about it.
Life is hard to get right. if im doing good on my meds i'm doing bad with money or food or friends and family. it seems as if i can only get one or two things right at the sametime. and my meds always seem to be one that i cant get right. Its so hard to balance and find the energy to do it all and all of the time everyday. for weeks and months and years. i want so much to be that good balanced patient and person. I hate lying and i hate feeling like i'm not good enough. i just want to know how to do all of the stuff i need to do and still be happy and have time for myself and to have fun. i'm only 22 and i feel like i am 40. i don't go out and have fun and when i do i don't do the other things i need to and sometimes i'm stupid and drink cuz i want to get away for all the responsibilty. but the next morning all i can do is worry about my heart. i drank more when i turned 21 but stoped cuz i wanted to be healthy but i have drank a couple of times in the last couple of months i think cuz i'm sick of feeling like im old and boring and all i do is work and pay bills and sleep. I get sick of feeling like i'm missing out on the fun. and i'm tired of feeling like a stick in the mud cuz i don't know how to be fun. and most of all i hate when people tell me how much they love my mom and how much fun she is. I think thats why i drink sometimes to. cuz my mom is fun when she drinks. she fun to me other times to but they don't see her then. I love my mom so much and so does everyone esle. I guess i just want to bee seen.
well it is late and i have an early day. I hope that everything is ok tomorrow. I want so much to be better at my meds. I am going to talk to the drs tomorrow and tell them the truth and ask them for help. Maybe i can get back on the med you only have to take once a day. I guess we will see. thank you for checking on me and Im sorry for all the crap i just unloaded but its the only place i had that i could do so and not worry about getting in trouble. I still feel like a little kid waiting to get in trouble for being bad. I think im supose to be an adault but i dont know how to get over thinking like a kid.
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