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Madisen Allivia Rose Johnson Jan. 4, 2001- Jan. 4, 2004 Journal Sunday, January 4, 2009 9:53 AM CST Today would be Maddie's 8th Birthday and also this day marks the anniversary of her 5 year of Eternal life in Heaven!!!! It is so odd to say that is has been 5 whole years since she passed, I have to count back because it truly seems like not that long ago I was holding my sweet pea. The lord is good, he has mercy. There are days were I still crumble but for the most part there is peace. The balance however is that there is always longing for her. Her giggle, her smell, her sweet little breathes on my neck as we snuggle together, her little pudgy cheeks and chapped lips, and most often I cherish the way she would melt into my body when it was spa time. She so totally felt comfortable and safe with me, and I felt so in love and honored that she chose me as her lifeline. Maddie definitely knew who she didn't enjoy and she certainly knew who were her Fav's. The lessons she taught and continues to teach are many and most valuable. In this way she is still alive and hence the five years seems uncomprehensible. She is so etched in my heart. Looking at today like it is her 8th birthday is also so uncomprehensible because I remember Maddie as my 3 year old little peanut and looking at 8 year olds just blows me away in comparison. So Today we celebrate Maddie's Day as her eternal life Day and will go to the cemetary and send up more balloons to add to her heavenly bouquet. We will spend the day shopping for a gift in honor and memory of our little Princess. The kids help choose and we go from store to store talking about her and how she has changed so many peoples lives. Sometimes the gift is a plant for our house that we can "hold onto" and water and watch grow, othertimes it's s special piece for the cemetary, a plant for spring, a stone with a message, sometimes a gift for another person, where ever God leads us and whatever honors Maddie is what we do. We treasure each year as a way to bring Maddies lessons to our earthly lessons and bridge the miles between us until we are all together again! A looking back lesson that I have come to cherish is appreciating the life God gives in whatever condition. When I was 18 weeks pregnant the docs told me something was wrong and that they felt Maddie would be a downs baby. She wasn't growing properly and she had every marker by ultrasound for downs. I sobbed and was devestated, I couldn't imagine a baby not being a perfect little bundle and how would we manage. When my amnio results came back the doc came in and told me it was a girl, and she didn't have downs! I was elated for those minutes. He said he wanted to check one more ultrasound and make sure he didn't find any problems....then my world was shattered as the diagnosis of a right sided diaphragmatic hernia slithered its way into our lives. After hearing about her very low 10% survival rate if she didn't die in the womb, I quickly understood that I should have been greatful when they thought it was downs,as too I must be greatful even for a DH, after all he gave us a child! I often wonder what God thought when he sent us a child and then at the first sign of a problem we questioned him and were sad. *here's a maddie lesson: be greatful for any child, even one that will die, be greatful at the chance to know a child regardless of the pain that may follow. Love like there is no tomorrow, for maybe there won't be... A life is a life and however long we have is a blessing, under any condition we can take something positive if we choose. While I miss Maddie like crazy, I am still learning from her today, she always blesses me with her pressence in the lessons she teaches. There is always something more severe and it could always be worse.I could have lost all of my children, I could have never had children, she could have died before I got to know her. We choose how we want to look at life, and we choose to find comfort in the fact that we have memories and love. Maddies DH sucked and mistakes were made, big ones, however the lessons will always be there to rely on. Life is beautiful if you choose to look at it that way. Life is a blessing even in the face of syndromes, delays, retardation, surgeries etc...Life is what you make it, and though not all days are easy and grief is complex, we have moved into a nice place of peace and celebrate that in Heaven there are no tears, sadness, time or pain. We Thank GOd for sending his son to die on the cross so that we can have eternal life. We thank Jesus for obeying, We Thank God that he sent us a way to get home to him. By the time I am with Maddie again she will have blinked an eye and never have realized how many years have passed, we will pick up where we left off and live eternally together,(Probably in a big Spa with candles and lavender)hehehe! so in the mean time we make the best out of life, and find ways to reach out in Christs name. Links: http://www.caringbridge.com/mn/sammy A Very special angel friend |
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E-mail Author: jojujohnson4@msn.com |
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