Maddie Paguyo

Welcome to Maddie's Web Page. Maddie was diagnosed with a brain tumor (diffuse intrinsic pontine glioma) Monday April 28th, 2003 and passed away on May 6, 2004.

Thank you so much to everyone who has visited this site and sent their wishes and great thoughts our way! We could never have imagined how wonderful our family and friends have been- the love that you have shared has truly provided so much strength. We hope you keep re-visiting the site and keep sending those messages.

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I have decided to share a very special letter Maddie wrote to me the week she was diagnosed. It was found quite by accident, and I chose not to tell her I had found it until shortly before she died. That was almost impossible for me to do, because it is so beautiful. I am sharing it today because so many of my dear friends have lost their children this past year. While this message was written by Maddie to me, I believe that these other children felt similarly, and were either too young or unable to write their feelings- so I share this with you, my friends whose children have died, as a vehicle for them to communicate their love for you.


I can't even begin to express my love for you. It is so great, so big. A lifetime of love, just like my love for my sisters and Keegan. If I began to describe it, it would go on and on around this world and throughout the universe. I love you so much and I couldn't have grown without you. Know that, always know that.

Everyone has a time to come and go. My time to come was on a cold morning on January 16, 1990. That was the day you gave me life, that I began this journey called Life. Sadly, today is my day to go. And know that I am in peace. You couldn't have done anything different to change the fact of it. You did everything the best mother could do. Never, ever forget that. I am in a place where I can relax now.

Mom, you gave me life fourteen years ago. Never once have you stopped loving me or supporting me in that time. When many could have let go, you were there, strong at my side. You are the sunshine of every one of my days. Know that wherever life takes us, you will never stop shining, on me or with me.

As you and I understand, we are best friends. Of course, we can tell each other anything two friends could say, or any secret. I want you to know my biggest secret is how fast this has come upon me. You already know this of course, so you know most things about me. Know that I have not left you with a single secret about myself. Know that you know every single thing there is to know about Madeline Taylor Paguyo. Know this.

I cannot begin to thank you for this life. If I were to start, it would go on just as my love for you. I could never stop thanking you. Wherever you are to go, know how deeply appreciated you are. Know how much you are thanked for your deeds of kindness. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Mom, after all the requests and needs I've had to have, I have one additional one. I need you to move on. Cry as much as you want today, but you have no idea how strong and bold you have to be tomorrow. It would be silly to shed another tear on me. I am waiting for you. I will always be with you- just as you have with me. I will never leave your side. You can be strong for Ashley, and Charlotte, and Keegan though. I know you. I know all the events you have moved on from in your life, and I know you can move on from this. I love you.





Tami, Jeremy, Melanie, Gary, Lorri, Russ, Susan, Mark, Aleta, Karla, Bruce, Jan, Hank, Kim, Steve, Lorraine, Judy, Jarrod... and all who have children who have died- I pray you find comfort in these words, and in the knowledge that you do not walk this road alone. We are all holding each other's hands, offering the love, support and compassion that only someone who has gone through this can completely grasp. I truly hope my list of names grows no longer.

You can do anything you want to do.
Pray, believe, have faith,
visualize, dream, trust
and work your ass off.
-Maddie

Journal

Wednesday, May 6, 2009 8:38 AM CDT

A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam...
and for a brief moment its glory
and beauty belong to this world...
but then it flies on again, and although
we wish it could have stayed,
we are so thankful to have seen it at all.

-Author Unknown


Maddie,

It has been 5 years of missing your physical presence- your silly sense of humor, your gentle confidence, your sympathetic shoulder, your generous embrace, your boundless energy, your uninhibited joy, your incredible intelligence, your effortless ability to give of yourself, your earthly beauty, your grace, your unshakable faith...

When I close my eyes I can see your broad, beautiful smile (with the special tooth); I see those big, beautiful brown saucer eyes; I see your long, delicate fingers; the wispy baby hair that frames your face; I see the ears you inherited from me; that teeny, tiny waist of yours; your slender arms, and long, lean legs...

When I get real quiet I hear your wonderful giggle; I hear you belt out a song; I hear you playfully telling Keegan to always remember you; I hear you say "I love you" to us all; I hear, "I'm fine mom, keep going, don't stress"...

When I lie in bed at night, I can feel you- I think of all we were able to do when you were here, and I smile, laugh, and cry. I feel you filling me with strength... It's as if you are taking those long, slender arms of yours, and reaching down from heaven to wrap them tightly around me, enveloping me in your calm peace, your abundant faith, your boundless hope and your unending love...

I am so blessed to be your mother. You have given, and continue to give, me so much.

I'm often asked the question, "How many children do you have?" And I proudly answer that I have 4 amazing children. Some who hear this exchange get a bit fidgety both by the question and the by my response... but for those who TRULY know us , who TRULY know you, the answer rolls right out-
You know I will never leave you, and I know you will never leave me, or Ashley, ChaChi, Keegan- or your countless family and friends... we carry each other inside of us, permanently intertwined...

As Keegan says, every night, while he and I blow you our goodnight kisses, "We love you Baboo, come to us in our sweet dreams; your mother misses you, our whole family misses you... even... Jude."

Love you Maddie T-
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo...

Mom

E-mail Author: madelinepaguyo@yahoo.com

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