Maddie Paguyo

Welcome to Maddie's Web Page. Maddie was diagnosed with a brain tumor (diffuse intrinsic pontine glioma) Monday April 28th, 2003 and passed away on May 6, 2004.

Thank you so much to everyone who has visited this site and sent their wishes and great thoughts our way! We could never have imagined how wonderful our family and friends have been- the love that you have shared has truly provided so much strength. We hope you keep re-visiting the site and keep sending those messages.

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I have decided to share a very special letter Maddie wrote to me the week she was diagnosed. It was found quite by accident, and I chose not to tell her I had found it until shortly before she died. That was almost impossible for me to do, because it is so beautiful. I am sharing it today because so many of my dear friends have lost their children this past year. While this message was written by Maddie to me, I believe that these other children felt similarly, and were either too young or unable to write their feelings- so I share this with you, my friends whose children have died, as a vehicle for them to communicate their love for you.


I can't even begin to express my love for you. It is so great, so big. A lifetime of love, just like my love for my sisters and Keegan. If I began to describe it, it would go on and on around this world and throughout the universe. I love you so much and I couldn't have grown without you. Know that, always know that.

Everyone has a time to come and go. My time to come was on a cold morning on January 16, 1990. That was the day you gave me life, that I began this journey called Life. Sadly, today is my day to go. And know that I am in peace. You couldn't have done anything different to change the fact of it. You did everything the best mother could do. Never, ever forget that. I am in a place where I can relax now.

Mom, you gave me life fourteen years ago. Never once have you stopped loving me or supporting me in that time. When many could have let go, you were there, strong at my side. You are the sunshine of every one of my days. Know that wherever life takes us, you will never stop shining, on me or with me.

As you and I understand, we are best friends. Of course, we can tell each other anything two friends could say, or any secret. I want you to know my biggest secret is how fast this has come upon me. You already know this of course, so you know most things about me. Know that I have not left you with a single secret about myself. Know that you know every single thing there is to know about Madeline Taylor Paguyo. Know this.

I cannot begin to thank you for this life. If I were to start, it would go on just as my love for you. I could never stop thanking you. Wherever you are to go, know how deeply appreciated you are. Know how much you are thanked for your deeds of kindness. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Mom, after all the requests and needs I've had to have, I have one additional one. I need you to move on. Cry as much as you want today, but you have no idea how strong and bold you have to be tomorrow. It would be silly to shed another tear on me. I am waiting for you. I will always be with you- just as you have with me. I will never leave your side. You can be strong for Ashley, and Charlotte, and Keegan though. I know you. I know all the events you have moved on from in your life, and I know you can move on from this. I love you.





Tami, Jeremy, Melanie, Gary, Lorri, Russ, Susan, Mark, Aleta, Karla, Bruce, Jan, Hank, Kim, Steve, Lorraine, Judy, Jarrod... and all who have children who have died- I pray you find comfort in these words, and in the knowledge that you do not walk this road alone. We are all holding each other's hands, offering the love, support and compassion that only someone who has gone through this can completely grasp. I truly hope my list of names grows no longer.

You can do anything you want to do.
Pray, believe, have faith,
visualize, dream, trust
and work your ass off.
-Maddie

Journal

Tuesday, July 1, 2008 8:06 AM CDT

Writer's block. That's what it's called. I've been stumped regarding what it is I should write about, therefore the delay...

4 years ago, when Maddie died, she was a 14 year old girl nearing the end of 8th grade. That next fall, her friends entered high school; Ashley began her HS senior year; Chachi moved on to 7th grade; and Keegan was 3 months shy of his 2nd birthday. I was a grieving mom, uncertain not only how, but if, I would be able to keep moving into the future caring for Ashley, ChaChi and Keegan well, while missing Maddie so desperately.

Here we are, 4 years later. Maddie's friends just graduated from high school, have gone through the exciting (sometimes agonizing), process of selecting a college, and are preparing to make the move from home to campus. Ashley will begin her senior year at the University of Minnesota. She will graduate with a journalism degree, focusing on PR and Marketing. Her plan is to open a non-profit in Maddie's honor, where she will help other families confronting challenges similar to ours. ChaChi will settle into her junior year- the one I consider to be the most academically challenging- with soccer and socializing as cornerstones to provide necessary fun and balance. Keegan, who is now 5, will be cruising on to kindergarten. Growing up with so many people loving him, he has all the confidence, social skills, as well as physical and cognitive abilities, needed to guarantee a wonderfully smooth transition.

I am a grieving mom. Still. Always. Maddie's illness and death steered me from my pre-brain tumor path to the one I find myself on now. I willingly allow my grief to hold hands with all of the other emotions and experiences life brings my way. To deny it would be foolish- to allow it to totally consume me would be disastrous. I miss Maddie's physical presence with every breath I take; but I simultaneously celebrate that of Ashley, Charlotte and Keegan. I am tremendously blessed by my relationships with my family and some amazingly wonderful friends. And I am exceedingly blessed by Maddie and the many gifts, both tangible and intangible, that she left me with.

After the death of one of her Caringbridge friends, Maddie left the following guestbook entry:

"Reading all the guestbook entries today just confirms the beautiful ways Julia is among us, as a butterfly, an angel, or what not. Sometimes, when I am all alone, I feel as though I am not. You know that feeling? I know she is here with me, with us. I can almost sense her, angel wings and all, watching over me, watching over all of us. I know it must be terrible to not be able to hold her, to see her, but I believe she is holding you at this time, and she is watching you too."

Thankfully, through the unbreakable bond that Maddie and I share, I truly know the feeling she described.

So, we keep moving. Maddie took part of me with her when she went to heaven, and I kept a part of her here with me. We are permanently cemented, and I know, with great certainty, that I will keep on keeping on.

Have a beautiful day.

With love,
Julie- Ashley's, Maddie's, ChaChi's, and Keegan's mom

E-mail Author: madelinepaguyo@yahoo.com

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