Maddie Paguyo

Welcome to Maddie's Web Page. Maddie was diagnosed with a brain tumor (diffuse intrinsic pontine glioma) Monday April 28th, 2003 and passed away on May 6, 2004.

Thank you so much to everyone who has visited this site and sent their wishes and great thoughts our way! We could never have imagined how wonderful our family and friends have been- the love that you have shared has truly provided so much strength. We hope you keep re-visiting the site and keep sending those messages.

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I have decided to share a very special letter Maddie wrote to me the week she was diagnosed. It was found quite by accident, and I chose not to tell her I had found it until shortly before she died. That was almost impossible for me to do, because it is so beautiful. I am sharing it today because so many of my dear friends have lost their children this past year. While this message was written by Maddie to me, I believe that these other children felt similarly, and were either too young or unable to write their feelings- so I share this with you, my friends whose children have died, as a vehicle for them to communicate their love for you.


I can't even begin to express my love for you. It is so great, so big. A lifetime of love, just like my love for my sisters and Keegan. If I began to describe it, it would go on and on around this world and throughout the universe. I love you so much and I couldn't have grown without you. Know that, always know that.

Everyone has a time to come and go. My time to come was on a cold morning on January 16, 1990. That was the day you gave me life, that I began this journey called Life. Sadly, today is my day to go. And know that I am in peace. You couldn't have done anything different to change the fact of it. You did everything the best mother could do. Never, ever forget that. I am in a place where I can relax now.

Mom, you gave me life fourteen years ago. Never once have you stopped loving me or supporting me in that time. When many could have let go, you were there, strong at my side. You are the sunshine of every one of my days. Know that wherever life takes us, you will never stop shining, on me or with me.

As you and I understand, we are best friends. Of course, we can tell each other anything two friends could say, or any secret. I want you to know my biggest secret is how fast this has come upon me. You already know this of course, so you know most things about me. Know that I have not left you with a single secret about myself. Know that you know every single thing there is to know about Madeline Taylor Paguyo. Know this.

I cannot begin to thank you for this life. If I were to start, it would go on just as my love for you. I could never stop thanking you. Wherever you are to go, know how deeply appreciated you are. Know how much you are thanked for your deeds of kindness. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Mom, after all the requests and needs I've had to have, I have one additional one. I need you to move on. Cry as much as you want today, but you have no idea how strong and bold you have to be tomorrow. It would be silly to shed another tear on me. I am waiting for you. I will always be with you- just as you have with me. I will never leave your side. You can be strong for Ashley, and Charlotte, and Keegan though. I know you. I know all the events you have moved on from in your life, and I know you can move on from this. I love you.





Tami, Jeremy, Melanie, Gary, Lorri, Russ, Susan, Mark, Aleta, Karla, Bruce, Jan, Hank, Kim, Steve, Lorraine, Judy, Jarrod... and all who have children who have died- I pray you find comfort in these words, and in the knowledge that you do not walk this road alone. We are all holding each other's hands, offering the love, support and compassion that only someone who has gone through this can completely grasp. I truly hope my list of names grows no longer.

You can do anything you want to do.
Pray, believe, have faith,
visualize, dream, trust
and work your ass off.
-Maddie

Journal

Monday, January 5, 2009 8:14 AM CST

Happy 2009!

Stretches between updates are getting longer and longer... I still plan to keep Maddie's an active site(relatively speaking), but writers block often prevents me from updating.

I come here daily, just as I have since Maddie's CaringBridge page was first established in April of 2003. It connects me- to the many friends who we have made since this journey first began on April 28, 2003, when Maddie was diagnosed; to a bevy of memories- both happy and challenging-that have been chronicled here; and to Maddie herself. When she was alive, this was Maddie's site. She owned it. She kept us informed, she shared incredible insight, and she drew so much strength from the number of visitors who checked in on her and from their encouraging words. Just as it did for Maddie, this site stregthens and comforts me.

The holidays, and the two week break ChaChi and Keegan enjoyed from school because of them, have come and gone (Ashley is off from school until January 20th). As a family, we spent quite a bit of time together and managed to find several fun things to do with our extended family and friends. This year we decided to try to get back to the true essence of Christmas, focusing on shared experiences. We went Christmas caroling, bowling, ice skating (Keegan's first time, and he wants everyone to know that he didn't use the double-runners- he was up and moving very well on single blades in no time!), and spent a ton of time at home playing Jenga, Connect Four, Guess Who... and having "Dance Offs" in the family room. Ashley, ChaChi and Keegan have developed wonderful relationships with each other, and I feel truly blessed to be their mother.

As lovely as our time together can be, there is a constant ache that even heightens for me this time every year. I MISS MADDIE, every day, every second. The New Year holiday is especially painful for me... there is something about moving into yet another year without Maddie that hits me like a ton of bricks. I manage, every year, to do the whole noise maker, watch-the-ball-drop, stroke of midnight "Happy New Year" thing; but every year there is a gnawing in my stomach and lump in my throat as I do so.

I came across a Buddhist tale in a book that sums up pretty succinctly where I find myself, almost five years after Maddie's death.

The tale is about a woman who is in agony over her daughter's death. Having heard that Buddha was capable of miracles, she went to him, begging for her daughter to be brought back to life. Buddha promised he would help her- but only if she could bring him some mustard seed from a home that had known no sorrow.
The woman set out on her search, filled with hope. But as she knocked on door after door, she heard one sad story after another. The mother realized that suffering was universal. No human on earth could escape sorrow and loss.
This brought the greater understanding that what happened to her, painful as it was, was an inevitable part of life.

As the author of the book summarizes, "She was now able to accept the blow life dealt her- not fearfully, angrily, or passively, but simply, with all the fullness of her genuine grief. Her pain might continue to throb for the rest of her life- but it no longer determined her thoughts or actions. She found some freedom, and ultimately, some joy- not in spite of her pain, or even because of it, but simply along side of it."

I am this woman. I am consciously aware of the suffering of so many. I continue to stay connected to many friends who have also lost their children, and their pain is palpable. I check in on friends whose children are nearing the end of their earthly journey, and their agony becomes mine. I follow many whose children are doing very well, post-diagnosis, and their constant fear of the disease returning is a fear I recognize all too well, and it zaps my energy.

As we rang in 2009, the gnawing in my stomach and lump in my throat was clearly there. I fought back tears... but I did so consciously aware of the twinkle in Keegan's eyes, pleased as punch that he had managed to stay up until midnight (and beyond) ; aware of ChaChi, still dressed beautifully from her earlier outing, wearing glittered "2009" glasses and "Happy New Year" hat, snapping photo after photo to mark the moment; knowing that Ashley had also dressed herself up and gone out to celebrate with a good friend...

Ashley, Charlotte, Keegan and I all miss Maddie more than any words could describe. But we, too, manage to find joy- not in spite of our pain, or even because of it, but simply along side of it.

Maddie's birthday is January 16. She would be 19. We will find a way to celebrate her life, as we have every year since she graced this earth in 1990.

Wishing everyone a very blessed new year.

With love,
Julie, Ashley, Maddie, ChaChi and Keegan

E-mail Author: madelinepaguyo@yahoo.com