History

Journal History

Wednesday, August 23, 2006 12:47 AM CDT

Last time I updated Jessica's site, I mentioned that we had wanted to do some sort of fund raiser to raise money for childhood cancer research. I am happy to finally get this posted that yes, indeed, we did form a bike-a-thon in honor of Jessica which was held on May 21. The turn out was not the best since it was the day after Prom and the weather was threatening, but the amount of money that was raised was terrific.

At last count, we were slightly over $5,000.00 . We were very excited about this, and happy that people thought of our sweet Jessica when they opened up their pocketbooks to donate. Thank you to everyone that participated, both in monetary ways, and also those of you who rode with us on the bike ride. We had a good time, despite the cool & windy weather.

According to the contact person at the American Cancer Society, we have raised enough money to have a gold leaf put on their "tree of life" in memory of Jessica. This was something that I was unaware of, but am honored that they will be putting her name on their tree.

Our horse experiences have also been popular this summer, and it warms our hearts to see the smiles on the faces of the children that have come out to our place to ride horse. My heart pours out to these families, knowing all that they have gone through, and continue to go through. I just pray that the time spent in our barn can give them a temporary break away from the stress that consumes their present lives.

Thank you again to everyone that donated and/or rode in the bike-a-thon. The American Cancer Society will continue to take donations if you are interested. Please mark your donation towards the "Jessica Nielsen Bike-a-thon", and in the memo of your check, please mark it for Childhood Cancer Research. That way the funds will be allocated correctly.

Laurie

Saturday, March 18, 2006 12:44 AM CST

After all of this time has passed, the realization that Jessica is gone is still a hard bitter pill to swallow. Yes, we have gone on with our lives, and keep our fond memories of our sweet angel with us - but continue to find life as unfair. Maybe that is the selfishness that we as humans seem to posses.

We received an email from one of Jessica's nurses a couple of weeks ago, and she stated that there are still plenty of children being admitted to the 8th floor for cancer treatments, and there seems to be no end to the new cases being brought in. Friends that we met during Jessica's treatments still continue to pass away and or their cancer continues to spread. Children that deserve to live normal lives, with laughter - not pain and suffering! I continue to ask myself why - without any answers coming to the surface. I cannot sit silent while this continues to occur, so I have looked into starting a fund-raising event along with the kids. We are hoping for this May if I can get our act together, so that we can involve the kids from school, too. We want to bring the community together to battle against childhood cancers.

Another thing that we are offering is opening our barn to horse experiences to other children with cancer. This has been well received and we have a couple interest candidates that would like to come out. I think that this will enable us to give encouragement to families that need all of the help that they can get. Love and support is what these families need and we certainly can relate to what they are going through.

Thank you for checking in on us and if you are interested in participating in our fund-raiser - please let me know.

Laurie

Tuesday, September 13, 2005 12:32 AM CDT

Many months have again passed by since I have journaled in Jessica's web page. It is not that I am not thinking about her on a continual basis, but rather I can't seem to find the words to let you know how I feel, or at times am sitting in too low of a state to write. At the end of August, I found myself trying to deal with an onset of acquintences that I know who had been given a cancer diagnosis. This always seems to throw my universe off kilter, since I feel in my soul the hell that they are going through. I also found out about a number of children that we had met in New York that had passed away, leaving their families behind to deal with their absence. Some children that we know from New York that are still living, have been given the news that their cancer is progressing and their families are scrambling to find a way to stop this deadly monster. This disease called cancer seems to be spreading with leaps and bounds at a rapid speed and it seems like there is no stopping it! And the devestation that it leaves behind is unfixable. It leaves deeps scars of pain and sorrow that can never be healed. This disease scares the daylights out of me, but most of all, it just pisses me off!

We need to do something to try and stop this! How can we continue to sit by quietly while children continue to die from childhood cancers. I have been seriously thinking and talking with my children about organizing some sort of fund raiser where the money raised will go towards research for finding cures for childhood cancers. If anyone has any ideas they would like to add in our guestbook, please do. We will welcome all ideas. Our latest idea has been "Riding for Research", where different groups can do the kind of riding that they prefer. Bike riding, horseback riding, motorcycle riding, etc ... whatever people enjoy to ride. Any ideas, please let me know. Thank you for any input you can give me!

Laurie

Monday, June 13, 2005 5:24 PM CDT

I'm sorry that I haven't updated in such a long time. As most of you know we headed off to China to adopt a ten year old girl, and found that she was not ready to leave her homeland. She made her wishes very clear, and therefore Tony and I returned home alone. This was disappointing, but after I had my surgery the following day to remove skin cancer from my forhead, I realized I was barely able to care for myself at the time, let alone an adopted child. The surgery had been much more evasive than I had expected, leaving me with headaches, and healing issues to deal with.

Then came Memorial Day Weekend. It seems to be another one of those hard holidays that I would rather not exist on the calendar. It used to be a great extra day off from work with pay, but now it is just another painful reminder of how much we have lost.

Last week was the end of school, graduations, awards, etc... The reminder that Jessica would have graduated from 9th grade. The reminder of the graduation ceremony that I know took place without us. The awards that I remember that Josh received at the end of his 9th year. Awards that I knew Jessica would receive when she receached that point. However, we were robbed of those special days, and much more. These are the times I hate the most, but must try to enjoy for Jazzmyn and Josh's sake. The mother's of some of Jessica's best friends who continually avoid talking to me when I see them because they feel awkward talking to me about their children and what they are doing now days. Do they think that avoiding me will make things easier for me. That I don't remember on a hourly basis that I lost my daughter, and that I will forever miss out on what might have been? Don't they see that I am really an empty shell of a person who feels as if I am only going through the motions of life, but not really living? I don't think you ever get over the loss of your child, it doesn't get any easier, and the pain never goes away! You maybe just get better at faking it because the real truth is that no one wants to be around a person who is always sad, down, and depressed. If you know someone who has lost a very important person in their life, give them a big hug and talk to them! It is probably just what they need!

Friday, March 4, 2005 1:19 PM CST

There have been so many times in the last couple of months that I have seen a sad, sorrowful look on Jazzmyn's face and in her eyes. Jazzmyn has been looking forward to our adoption of a 9 year old girl from China, but as she waits impatiently, the anticipation continues to bring to the surface her undying love and admiration for Jessica. Her big sister ...the sister she looked up to, played with, looked after ... her "BEST" friend! It reminds her of how much she has lost! In times like these, all I can do is hold her tightly and remind her how much Jessica loved us and that she is watching over us. In these heavy-hearted moments, our tears flow like swollen rivers, trying to wash away our grief without success. I recently read a book that described tears as tiny drops of humanity. Miniature messangers that are on call 24 hrs. a day; a substitute for crippled words. They drip, drop, and pour from the corner of our souls, carrying with them the deepest emotions we possess! They tumble down our faces with announcements that range from the most blistful joy to darkest despair. When words are empty, tears are most apt. Tears represent our heart, our spirit, and our soul! In these moments that Jazzmyn and I share, it is true that tears, not words, are the most appropriate. We share our love for each other, and share our love for Jessica.

Remember to love the ones around you, let them know how much you care, and don't take your loved ones for granted! It was once said that the best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched .... they must be felt with the heart!

Friday, January 7, 2005 3:31 PM CST

Happy New Year and welcome to 2005! As I heard the distant booms from the fireworks at 12:00 A.M. on New Year's Day, I walked to the window to watch the spectacle of colors over downtown Minneapolis. As I stood there, I realized that I had ushered in the millenium (2000) in the same way. Except that year I stood at the window with my friends and my entire family. We had allowed the kids to stay up to welcome in the millenium, since the media had made such a big deal out of it. As we stood there, we were happy that the lights did not go out, the computers did not crash, and life continued on just as we expected it should. No nightmares occurred as the clock struck 12:00 A.M. All seemed right with the world. However, our nightmare was still lurking in the shadows and would not show it's ugly head until mid-February. Yes, that is the year that Jessica was first diagnosised with cancer. My point in all of this is that we do not know what 2005 holds for any of us. It is a mystery that is waiting to be revealed. I pray that the future will only hold good things for you! However, I want to remind you all to appreciate what you have! Appreciate your children, your friends, spouses, and everyone that you hold dear! Spend time with them, tell them how much you love them, have fun, laugh, and hug each other. The most important gift that we can give the people we love is our time. Make sure you take time out of your busy schedules to appreciate the important things in life, before it is too late!

Happy New Year!

Thursday, December 30, 2004 4:17 AM CST

I awoke this early AM for no apparent reason. After an hour passed of restlessness tossing and turning, I found myself overwhelmed by a deep pit of sorrow in my stomach. Grief, it comes without warning and hits hard. Tears streamed from my eyes like heavy rain clouds too full to hold on any longer. There would be no more holding back the pain that this holiday season held. It refused to be ignored any longer! Christmas is just not the same without Jessica. The excitement in her eyes and voice each Christmas. The holidays are hard to deal with when you are missing a person you love. The family get-togethers are not the same when part of your family is not there. It is these times of the year that the nagging question resurfaces. The question of why! Why did Jessica have to get cancer, why did she have to suffer through all that treatment, why is it so hard for us to understand God's plan? I would like to know why bad things happen in this world, why children are dying of cancer and other diseases, why does God allow all of this heartache? It is obvious that the time table that we would like to have for our lives and our loved ones lives is different than the time table that God has for us. So, I guess that means that we need to be patient, and trust in God.

Patience - I wish I would have been patient enough to stand in line when that was being handed out!

Tuesday, November 16, 2004 2:39 PM CST

An entire year of firsts without Jessica have passed, and I cannot truthfully tell you that life does not get any easier. The emptiness and pain in our hearts is still there and don't show any sign of leaving. Yet, when I feel low, Jessica continues to send me signs of reassurance and love. Her signs never cease to amaze me and fill me with peace.

One such signal that I received was last Saturday. Jazzmyn and I were busy trying to get out of the house for appointments that we had. Suddenly, it caught my eye - for the last year, we have had a picture on the china hutch of the school fence decorated by Jessica's classmates that said "We (a shape of a heart) Jessica". In front of that was a crystal angel that we had received from the grade school around the same time. The sun was shining thru this angel, causing an angel shape on this picture. Exactly in the correct spot, landed this red heart from the picture. It is amazing in itself that this lined up so perfectly - non-intentionally placed, but to top it off, there was a sparkling glow around the head of this shadow of the angel on this picture. Where this glow came from, I have no idea! I quickly showed Jazzmyn, and we both stood there awed by the beauty of this sight. I tried to take a picture, but the shadow of the angel on the picture would not show up, even though we could see it with our eyes so brilliantly. On Sunday, I rushed back to the china hutch to look at the picture at the same exact time, thinking the sun was just as sunny as the day before, but there was no illumination like there was on Saturday. I believe if it had not been Jessica sending me a sign, the shadow would have shown up again like the day before.

Another sight that caught my heart was a couple of weeks ago when the Northern Lights were so brilliant. Around 11:15 as I looked out at the sky, there were dancing lights surrounding our entire house. Not just in the North, but 360 degrees around us. It was as if angels were luminating the sky and were dancing in joyous praise of their God. As I watched in wonder, I thought to myself that it would not surprise me if Jesus descended down from heaven at that very moment! Since he didn't, I think about whether this is somewhat how it might look the day he does return to earth! It makes you think, doesn't it?

As this past year without our precious daughter has come to an end, and another one begins, I would like to thank all of our family and friends for their love, understanding, strength, and support. We appreciated the cards of love on the anniversary date of Jessica's death, and do not think we could have made it through this last year without you!!

Wednesday, October 6, 2004 8:34 AM CDT

October 6th - This date will forever mark the worst day of my life! The day my precious Jessica passed from this earth. There were many days in this past year that I didn't think I could go on, the sorrow that I felt was much too deep! The guilt that I have felt for not being there for Jessica when she passed from this earth is something I struggle with often. There were many days that I wished God would just strike me down and put me out of my misery! Sometimes I wonder how I am expected to go on with life, but then I take a look at our other two children and know that Jessica would want me to continue to be there for them. I have come to realize that Jessica's body may be gone, but her spirit lives on. She guides us, talks to us, watches over us, and sends us gentle reminders.

A book that I read in the last year stated that in order to keep us from becoming too attached to earth, God allows us to feel a significant amount of discontent and dissatisfaction in life - longings that will never be fulfilled on this side of eternity. When life gets tough, when you're overwhelmed with doubt, remember that you are not home yet. At death you won't leave home, you'll go home! This helps me remember that someday, I will join Jessica in our eternal home. This reminds me to continue on and that I have a purpose here on earth.

The bible says, "We should fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." Instead of death being an end of our lifes, we should look at it as our birthday into eternal life! So, as oddly as this sounds, "Happy Birthday, Jessica!" We love you and miss you constantly my sweet angel!

Thursday, September 23, 2004 12:31 AM CDT

Reflections of the past continue to creep into our daily lives. This past weekend, our family attended the Make-A-Wish Camp Snoopy celebration. As we all had fun riding on all the available rides, I couldn't help but notice that the spark and excitement that Jessica used to have at this event just wasn't there. Her squeals and laughter while she rode the rides were contagious, and she would run from the completed ride to the next in order to participate in as much fun as she could squeeze in to one day. It makes me realize that she 'knew' how to really live! Even these warm fall days and butterflies remind me of her last earthly horseback ride on Tear Bear last year at this time. It still baffles me how quickly life can change from "things are going good" to "how could this have happened"! I guess it reminds us of the fragility of life. It reminds us that in a split second your life can be over, so you better live today like it is your last! For there will not be a tomorrow for everyone. Hug your children and let them know how much you love them! Tell your spouse how much they mean to you, let your friends know how important they are to you, and enjoy the beauty of God's world. It is there for your enjoyment, but you have to take the time to look at it! So, let's take a cue from Jessica's book of life and live life to its' fullest and enjoy the simple things in life - Have fun!

Wednesday, September 1, 2004 9:09 PM CDT

We returned home from a wonderful vacation, and jumped immediately into preparing for school to start. It seems like this last month has flown by, and summer is coming to a rapid end.

The start of school brings on another whole range of emotions, I have found. Obvious by the presence of Jazzmyn's tears, I am not alone. A couple of days ago, it seemed like Jazzmyn could not get over missing Jessica. She sobbed numerous times over the course of the day, and ended up sleeping with us part of the night. So many memories of the past! Last year we spent hours familiarizing Jessica with the school hallways, classrooms, teachers, and her locker. She was so excited that she would actually get to attend school like a regular kid. I thank God that she at least got 4 days of going to the Jr. High.

The changes of routines each year will continue to bring up memories. Jessica will forever be 13 years old, forever be an 8th grader, forever be on our minds and hearts, and she will be forever missed!

We love you and miss you, my sweet angel!

Tuesday, August 10, 2004 2:46 PM CDT

The last couple of weeks have past by with a blur as our yearly summer vacation to the Black Hills quickly approaches. Part of me is looking forward to the peace and tranquility that the beauty of the hills engulfs you in, and part of me is apprehensive of our first vacation to the hills without Jessica. Jessica loved going to 'the cabin', and she always would get so squirrly and excited each year - no matter how she was feeling! Her excitement was like that of children who are soon going to be opening their Christmas presents. She could hardly contain herself! It brings back memories of last year - we were in New York at this time last year, and the girls were stuck in the elevator at the Ronald McDonald House during the "Blackout". The memories of last year have brought back a heaviness, a darkness, a sorrow to my heart. A confusion sticks in my mind as to how life can sometimes be so cruel and unfair! It infuriates me to hear news stories of people who are greedily wasting their money on 11 carat diamond rings, while thousands of people are starving to death, while people are homeless and living on the streets, while people are continuing to die of diseases that scientists could possibly find a cure for, if only they had enough money to finance their research! Why does it seem as if alot of the things in our world does not make any sense? It reminds me of a sarcastic saying that I have heard so many times in the past - "Life's a bitch, and then you die". I personally hate that saying, and when I hear it, it sends shivers through me, as if every nerve ending in my body is screaming out, "There's got to be more to life"! It is during my times of frustration and darkness that I feel as if God is carrying me through the swamps of life. When my back has been broken by one too many burdens, or one too many stresses of life, he picks me up and puts me back together, so that I can continue on. There is a song that has particularly touched me in the 6 months that explains how we have made it through the last 4 years of our lives. The lyrics are:

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary
When troubles come and my heart burdened be
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence
Until you come and sit a while with me

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up....to more than I can be

(Josh Groban)

So, this weekend as we venture out to the Black Hills, and I hear the soft gentle winds whistle through the valleys, I will remember that my God, and Jessica will both be there beside me - encouraging me to continue on, to be happy, and to make a difference.

Tuesday, July 20, 2004 10:48 PM CDT

I want to thank everyone that helped us celebrate Jessica's birthday by partaking in her list of favorites. I also want to thank everyone that called us, visited us, sent cards, flowers, and plants. You are all very important to us, and it helped us through the day. You can't begin to imagine how important it is to us that our friends/family/and acquaintances remember how special Jessica was! Interestingly enough, a couple of days before Jessica's birthday, I ran across another web site of a parent who has also lost their child to Neuroblastoma. I hope it helps you understand us and gives you all the ability to not shy away from families who have lost a child.

What do we wish others understood about the loss of our child? Here is a partial list of such wishes:

I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important and I need to hear her name.

I wish you wouldn't feel awkward if I mention her name. If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn't because you hurt me: the fact that my child died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you! Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.

I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I had a good day my grief is all over, or if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling.

I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed seperately. It is the ultimate tragedy and I wish you wouldn't compare it to the loss of a parent, spouse, or pet.

Being a bereaved parent is NOT contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me.

I wish you knew that all the "crazy" grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following the death of a child.

I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us.

As with alcoholics, I will never be "cured" or a "former bereaved parent," but will forever be a "recovering bereaved parent."

I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, lose my short-term memory, develop a host of illnesses and be accident prone, all of which may be related to my grief.

Our child's birthday, the anniversary of her death, and the holidays are terrible for us! I wish you could tell us that you are thinking about our child these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about our child and miss her terribly.

Please understand that I am NOT the same person I was before my child died, and do not expect me to "get back to my old self." I am forever changed, but if you give me a chance, you may find that you like the "new me."

I hope this helps you understand us and many others traveling the same path as we are on. Remember, this is not a path we chose, but one that we were thrown onto. Patience, understanding, and love help us all! Thanks for understanding.

Wednesday, July 7, 2004 10:19 PM CDT

As many of your know, Friday, July 9th is Jessica's birthday. In celebration of her life, we have compiled a number of things that you can do to help us remember her on Friday. Have fun!!!

Go horseback riding
Wear pink, purple, or both (Jessica's favorite colors)
Play or spend time with your cats or pets
Hug a stuffed animal
Watch a Scooby-Doo movie or a horse movie
Do a craft
Jump on a trampoline
Sing, smile and giggle
Draw a picture or color a picture for someone
Go swimming
Spend time with your family and friends
Play games
Ride your bike
Go rollerblading

Thank you for helping us remember Jessica and for remembering how deeply she touched our lives!

Enjoy life to its' fullest, and let the people that are the most important to you know that you love them!

Love,
Tony, Laurie, Josh, and Jazzmyn

Tuesday, June 29, 2004 4:48 PM CDT

I have to honestly admit that I am having a hard time these last number of days, and cannot see things getting any better any time soon. As I mentioned before, Jessica's birthday is rapidly approaching, and I find myself thinking of her hourly. I remember years in the past, where we would be planning a birthday party for her, buying birthday presents, and sending out party invitations. This year, I am at a loss - what am I suppose to do on her birthday? The thought of July 9th only brings tears and sadness right now! I feel as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest, and beaten within an inch of life - then someone scrapped up what was left of it and placed it back inside of me. I don't think I can explain how painfully gutwrenching it feels to loose your child!

I met a sister to a friend of mine a couple of weeks ago at a graduation party. She knew of our situation through conversations that she had had with her sister. As we said our goodbyes, she said that she would keep our family in her prayers, and that she would pray that someday the sadness that she saw in my eyes would disappear. That made me wonder what people do see in my eyes. Do my eyes lead to a dark empty pit of sorrow and emptiness? A hollow shell of whom I used to be? The lights are on, but nobody is home? I will never be able to be the person that I once was! When Jessica was sick, there were many people that we knew as acquaintances, that would avoid us when they saw us. They would act as if they didn't see us, or turn and walk in the opposite direction, as to avoid talking to us. I know that cancer is something that people are not comfortable with - hell, we hate it ourselves! Anyway, you can only imagine how much more we are avoided now by these same people! I don't hold a grudge against these people - they have some strange sense of thinking that if they avoid anything and everybody that has to do with something that they can't handle, that it will just "go away by itself, or they can continue to pretend that it doesn't exist." These are people living with their heads in the sand, and wonderful opportunities of life are passing them by. I wonder what these people see and think when they look at us from a distance?

Because of these experiences, I want to take this opportunity to thank all of our friends and family that have stuck with us, through the good and the bad. I admire your conviction to spending time with us, knowing that we may be having one of our many "bad days." You have no idea how much that time spent with us really means! God bless.

Saturday, June 19, 2004 8:42 AM CDT

Sorry that it has been so long since I last updated. With school getting out, and Jazzmyn's birthday, things have been a whirl wind.

The end of school this year had a very strange feeling. I was again feeling as if we have been cheated - Jessica had been cheated! She should have been able to finish her 8th grade year, she should have been able to actually attend school this year - she was so close to being done with all of her treatment! It was like she was running a marathon, and just yards before the finish line, her body gave out. Where is the fairness in that? Yes, I know, life is NOT fair! June 9th marked Jazzmyn's 10th birthday. She had a great birthday party, and an exciting day. That evening as I tucked her into bed, I asked her if she had a good birthday. She replied, "It was her best birthday party ever, except for one thing. Jessica was not there". All I could do was remind her that Jessica was there in our hearts. Sometimes that phrase makes me feel as if I am giving her a consolation prize that is so trifle, compared to the grand prize. One evening, a number of days later, Jazzmyn came out of her bed crying. She told us that this was going to be the 'WORST SUMMER EVER' without Jessica. Yes, it had not even been a week since school got out, and the reality that her best friend, playmate, and sister will not be here to help the long days of summer pass. How are we as parents suppose to 'fix this' and make it better? We ourselves are struggling with it - everytime I turn around there is a reminder of the emptiness that Jessica left behind. Her summer sandals still hang on the shoe rack downstairs, in the stores are swimming suits with the same pattern as her swimming suit that she last wore, her favorite flowers are blooming, etc .... continual reminders of the gapping hole that is left in our hearts. Another issue, how do we get thru her upcoming birthday in July? A day we have always rejoiced, I am now dreading and wondering how I am going to make it through.

Please continue to keep us in your hearts and prayers. We are going to need all the help we can get in this next month.

Friday, May 28, 2004 9:18 AM CDT

There are things that happen in life that we cannot rationally explain or understand with our human minds, but we must accept that they occur. This week, I believe I experienced one of those unexplainable phenomenons. Monday afternoon, I had just returned home. Tony and Josh were in the barn and I had just left Jazzmyn in her room doing her homework. As I headed around the North side of the house to venture to the barn to talk to the boys, I heard in a gentle voice, whom I thought was Jazzmyn calling "Mommy". As I answered, "Yea, what do you need," I proceeded to the backside of the house fully expecting to see Jazzmyn's head poking out the patio door. However, when I got to the door, Jazzmyn was no where to be seen. I then decided she must be in the front, and checked for her there. Still no Jazzmyn in sight. I went back into the house, and she was still in her room doing her homework! I asked her if she had called for me, and she said "no." As I walked back outside, I thought to myself, "Great, now I am loosing my mind!" But I'm not, I am sure of that. I reflected on that moment when I heard a voice say "Mommy." It would be easier to write off, if I had been thinking about Jessica at that time, but I wasn't. Secondly, anyone that knew both my girls well, know that their voices were hard to distinguish who was talking if you weren't in the room with them. They sounded alot alike. The third thing I realized was how relaxed I felt at that moment. The more I thought about it, the more I understood that it was Jessica. I believe that 'Angels' walk among us, and who better to be walking with me than Jessica! She will continually be checking in on us, and guiding us. I know for some of you, it would be easier for you to believe that I am loosing my mind, or that this is a part of bereavement. For you people, I say "be daring enough to explore and consider the possibilities!"

So, that brings us to 'Memorial Day'! Memorial Day has always conjured up thoughts of those brave people that gave up their lives fighting for our freedom. This Memorial Day changes that for me. I now realize that while remembering our veterans is important, we must also remember those who fought their own battles against evils of other kinds. There are thousands of children and adults that lost their battle this past year against cancer, and there will be thousands more this next year. Please remember these brave warriers. It is hard for these families to loose their loved ones, but it makes it easier for us if we know that you will continue to remember our loved ones and that they will NOT BE FORGOTTEN! So, this Memorial Day, remember Jessica! Remember her love of life and the world that surrounded her! Remember the sparkle in her eyes, and the large contagious smile she frequently gave you! With your help she will live on in all our hearts and minds forever!

Friday, May 14, 2004 7:50 AM CDT

I have trudged out of last weeks anguish, and have moved on to better days, thanks in part to some great friends, a funny movie, and my family.

As I finished writing last weeks journal, I noticed a picture frame that I have on our piano. It was given to Jessica a couple of years ago from a friend of ours. In the frame, is a "real picture" of clouds. Within those clouds, you can see an outline of an angel. Our friend had included with the picture a write up that helped me realize that I didn't need to carry all the burdens of last week myself! It read:

I lift up my eyes to the hills-
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
The Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip-
He who watches over you will not slumber;
Indeed, he who watches over Israel
Will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you-
The Lord is your shade at your right hand;
The sun will not harm you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all harm-
He will watch over your life;
The Lord will watch over your coming and going
Both now and forever more.
Psalm 121

Mother's Day turned out to be an enjoyable, beautiful day. I spent alot of Saturday contemplating how I would like to spend the day, how to make it enjoyable, and how to honor Jessica, since I am no longer able to 'mother' her. I finally decided that I would like to start a new family Mother's Day tradition. I decided that each year on this day, we will purchase a tree or bush to plant that will flower each Spring. A sign of Jessica's life and her beauty!

As the week continued on, we were blessed early Tuesday morning with a new colt. Tear Bear had her baby! He is a beautiful foal, that is a spitting image of his mother. He is very close in color, and holds alot of her same features. What a precious gift she has given us to remember her and Jessica by. Tear Bear does not have enough milk for the foal due to alot of her inflamation from the cancer, but this has given us the opportunity to bond with him through feeding him with milk supplement. He was only 12 hours old, and already nickering at us when he heard our voices. He is very sweet! It didn't take long to decide on a name, once we saw him. We named him after Jessica's favorite horse movie, "Spirit". His registered name will be "Sweet Jessica's Spirit". He has brought a joy to our lives, just as Jessica did!

Thanks for supporting us through our dark and bright stages of this journey of grief. Your love and support is appreciated more than you can ever imagine! We love you all!

Friday, May 7, 2004 1:51 PM CDT

I will give you prior warning that my mood is not good, and that this journal will be anything but uplifting! For that, I apoligize, but I feel the need to get this out of my heart and mind.

It has been a physically and emotionally trying week for me. May 1st started things off - the anniversary of my Dad's death. 21 years later, the date still brings a mixture of emotions and questions. Later in the day, we found out a good friend of ours was in the hospital with pneumonia. As we walked in the hospital to visit him, the past came rushing back. The site of IV poles, monitors, the ICU ward, dark depressing rooms, etc... too many memories. To continue on with this weeks general mood, Tuesday the dermatologist let me know that there is still some skin cancer on my forehead that we need to get rid of. Patience is a virtue that I seem to have missed out on, and I expected everything to be taken care of the first time! Speaking of cancer, our mare Tear Bear looks worse on a daily basis, as her body continues to pop out with more malignant melanomas and her pregnancy is classified as 'high risk'. For those of you who are not aware, Tear Bear was Jessica's favorite mare - the horse that she always rode and loved dearly! Now we are loosing her to cancer as well - our connecting bond to Jessica. We are praying that the baby makes it, is born healthy, and that Tear Bear will live long enough to take care of it and that maybe the cancer will slow down once the baby is born. We need that new life to pick us up, and to continue the bond. Jessica was so excited about this baby that Tear Bear was carrying. We found out Tear Bear was in foal on Jessica's birthday last year. It was like an extra birthday present to her.

Our grief group is continuing to make me more depressed each time we attend, and I know that Tony has felt the same way. I am debating on finishing it or not. Finally, we completed the week by helping a friend put her horse of 26 years down. It seems like the whole week has provided me with nightmares, and bad dreams, so I don't seem to escape at night either.

So, it brings me to the question of how I am suppose to cope with Mother's Day on Sunday when my mood is already scrapping rock bottom? I guess I could look at it with the knowledge of knowing that I have no place to go but up! Heaven help me!

Friday, April 23, 2004 12:39 AM CDT

The only word that I can come up with that best describes an incident that happened to me last week is 'shell shocked'. I found myself instantaneously jolting out of a deep sleep, sitting upright in bed with my eyes wide open. As I leapt out of bed and headed towards the sound I knew all too well, I expected to see Jessica. However, it was Tony - throwing up, one time after another. This was a sound that we came to know in the last 3 1/2 years. A sound associated with Jessica and with all of the rounds of chemo that she had to endure. It seems like the repercussions of her cancer and treatments continue to have a lasting affect on our lives. I sometimes wonder if we will ever escape its' grip!

On a brighter note, Tony and I are looking forward to a 'day out' tomorrow. We are going to the Mn. Horse Expo, like we have done for a number of years now. Even though it is an exciting event for us, it is yet another reminder that Jessica is no longer with us. This was an event that Jessica enjoyed. Josh and Jazzmyn could care less, and we usually found a friend's house for them to go to, but Jessica always went with us. She loved to look at all of the horses, and to take pictures of the ones that she thought were the most beautiful. She also knew it was a great place to pick up more horse 'souvenirs' for her room. I will be carrying Jessica with me in my heart tomorrow, and a camera for her in my hand. We will enjoy the day tomorrow - for her sake, and for ours, too.

I want to thank everyone for their continued support, and prayers. Thankyou for your notes of encouragement, lunch dates, and delivered cookies. You continue to hold us up through this continual time of heartache.

Thursday, April 8, 2004 9:22 AM CDT

As Easter is fast approaching, it brings back fond memories of last year's Easter week. We were unfortunately out in New York for treatment, but determined to make the best of it. The Ronald McDonald house was buzzing with activities on a nightly basis - Egg hunts, egg coloring with celebrities, visits from numerous Easter bunnies, and many Easter crafts. There are two things that stand out in my mind the most. The first was Jessica asking the person in an Easter bunny costume if she could get an extra Easter basket for a little girl that she knew in the Ronald House that was not feeling up to coming to the event. She thought the stuffed animal and candy may be of comfort to her.

Secondly, I remember how we had to bring plastic Easter eggs with us to NY for the Easter bunny to put candy in and hide the eggs around our room. She specifically wrote a note to "the bunny" to please hide eggs both here for her and at our home for Josh and Jazzmyn. Of course, "the bunny" did! I can tell you that "the bunny" had a hard time quietly putting candy in the eggs (while hiding in the bathroom in the dark with only a small flashlight to see with). It became a fiasco when the Easter bunny ran out of candy for the eggs and had to "borrow" some from one of Jessica's other baskets out in the room. I can attest that sometimes those plastic eggs do not open easily and quietly! Then came the job of hiding the eggs once they were filled. The rooms are very small, and not many good places to the hide eggs. The main fear was that Jessica would see me tip-toeing around the room with my flashlight, frantically hiding eggs. Thankfully, she slept right through the noise, and was sweetly surprised in the morning. The sparkle in her eyes, and the enthusiasm in her voice while she hunted each and every egg down. (She had counted how many eggs there were to fill the night before you see - so she would know just how many eggs she had to find). You always had to be on your toes when trying to keep the Easter bunny, Santa, and the tooth fairy real. I will miss that this year, but the fun will live on in Jazzmyn. Jessica will be in Jazzmyn's heart as she hunts for the eggs this Easter Sunday.

My amazement through my life with our children is how willing they are to believe in what is unseen! It reminds me that God wants us to be believers in Christ - sight unseen! This Easter, close your eyes. Imagine Jesus in your minds eye, and the nail holes in his hands! Rejoice and be thankful for the tremendous sacrifice that he made for us!

HAPPY EASTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, April 1, 2004 10:21 PM CST

A tidal wave of sorrow and grief seems to have enveloped me this week. The pain that I feel is as fresh today as the day Jessica was taken from us. The gut wrenching sorrow is still there! The only reasonable explanation that I can think of as to why this week seems to be hitting so hard is that it is Spring Break for the kids. Last year at this time, we were making daily trips to have our daily dose of radiation and taking our oral dose of chemo 3 times/day. The boys were out snowmobiling in Wyoming, and it was officially 'girls week!' We watched movies, ate whatever we wanted (including cocoa krispies and the mud and bugs cereal which the girls thought was great), stopped for malts after radiation when we were hungry enough, and just had fun! When the boys finally came back home, we talked about how we were going to have to do the same thing next year! Well, next year has arrived and our lives have changed so drastically. This is NOT the Spring break that we had planned on. So much has been taken from all of us!! It brings back that deep felt anger and confusion - WHY US, WHY OUR DAUGHTER???

My comfort to all of this frustration comes when I need it most. A couple of weeks ago, one of the readings in church included this statement: God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

I am also reading a book called 'The Purpose Driven Life' by Rick Warren. An excerpt from his book that struck me was 1)."Your greatest life messages and your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts." 2). "The things that you are most reluctant to share are the very tools God can use most powerfully to heal others." and 3). "Our weaknesses increase our capacity for sympathy and ministry."

So, here I am. In one of my weakest moments, and trying to endure my deepest pain. I know that I do not have all of the answers to life - if I did, I wouldn't be questioning God as to why he took our sweet little girl. I just have to trust in God, and know that he has all of the answers. Someday, when I join Jessica in heaven, I will understand what that plan was.

I know that there is no comparison, but I wonder if Mary felt some of the same feelings that I have felt as her son, Jesus, hung on the cross. We all know what a wonderful plan God had for us at that time!

Once again, I would like to thank all of you who have been there to support us. We love you and appreciate your love and concern.

Tuesday, March 16, 2004 10:40 AM CST

Days continue to hurry by, and life continues on. Somehow it does not seem right once you have lost someone that you loved so dearly!

A couple of weeks ago, when Josh was home sick with a fever and was feeling miserable he asked me a question that makes me think that what happened to Jessica will effect us for the rest of our lives. He had been running a temperature of 101.4 and knew that everytime Jessica's temperature rose to 101.5 or higher that she was to be admitted into the hospital. As any cancer family knows, this happens more often than you would like it to! Josh asked me what the highest temperature that Jessica every had. He knew very well that there were a couple of times that she had some very high fevers. I could see the pain in his eyes as you could see him contemplate the reality that if he felt this miserable at 101.4, that he could not even imagine how Jessica must have felt too many times! Maybe he realized once again how strong of a person she was, or maybe thought that he should have done more for Jessica when she was running a fever. This experience has humbled us, and I believe we have a greater sense of how precious life is and that you should be there for other people in their times of need! I pray that you never have to experience anything like we have, and that maybe you can learn what we have through us! Sometimes the road is dark and lonely, but God will use that time that you have experienced to do good! I believe he will use us and our experience to teach others or to do good for others that also walk this lonely road of cancer diagnosis and treatments.

Tony and I have considered that sometime in the future, when we are at a better place, that we would like to look into having cancer kids out to our place for horseback riding. Whether it is for a make-a-wish grant, or just for the enjoyment of the kids that are living with cancer. I pray that this will work out for us all!

Thankyou for your continued support and prayers for our family!

Tuesday, March 2, 2004 2:20 PM CST

Sorry that I have been lax at updating the web page. I have been under the weather, and not feeling up to doing anything. Since the fog is starting to clear from my head now, I thought that I better get busy!

First of all, I want to thank everyone for all of the beautiful sympathy cards and notes of kindness. Yes, it has taken us quite some time to feel up to reading them all, but we finally have. Thanks to my mother, most of the thankyou cards are done, also! We have been blessed with so many caring friends, neighbors, and family - alot of them brought to us through Jessica. In her own unique way, Jessica caught the attention of many people.

Since I haven't felt up to doing much, my mind has been on over-drive. I remembered back to when Josh was diagnosed with diabetes. I remember saying many prayers asking God to protect my girls from getting this disease. Diabetes would have been much better than cancer! I also remember when Jessica had her CAT scan done, and how the doctors told me that they thought she had leukemia, but would have to do a bone marrow biopsy to make sure. Oh, how we prayed that night! Begging God to not let it be leukemia! The word scared me so, knowing that I had a cousin that had died from leukemia. After gaining knowledge about the cancer that Jessica had, and how much better the treatments are now for leukemia, I realized that leukemia, depending on what type had a better cure rate than Neuroblastoma. I realize that we pray to God many times, thinking we know what we are in need of and what is best for us. However, because of these two incidents (and I am sure many more), I realize that we need to be careful of what we pray for. We are human, flawed, and don't always know what is best for us. God is all knowing, and I guess that I need to ask for guidence as to what is best. I feel as if maybe I have been praying in the dark or maybe with my head in the sand. Thinking that I needed to be in control of my life, when the real truth is that I need to let God be in control instead!

Thankyou for continuing to check in on us. We are looking forward to Spring and new beginings!

Tuesday, February 17, 2004 4:24 PM CST

February 17th - A date that will be forever engraved in my mind and soul! This was the day in 2000 when we were told our precious daughter had CANCER! The words that no parent ever wants to hear in association with their child's name, but too many of us have! I remember as the word echoed in my head, I felt as if I was being physically sucked into the depths of some deep, dark place. A form of "hell on earth" that all parents of cancer kids spiral into! How could this be happening? What the other doctors had thought was only inflammation from sledding was actually cancer? It still seems unbelievable that a healthy, active, 9 yr. old can all of the sudden be diagnosed with cancer - stage 4 - the most progressed stage of cancer that you can have! Where were the early signs? Unfortunately, there were none - not until it had progressed to stage 4!

I cannot tell you how many times I sat in the chapel of the hospital praying for Jessica's life! Through surgeries, bone marrow biopsies, pneumonia, ICU stays, etc ... each time, Psalms 23 reached out to me.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want; he makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters; he restores my soul.
He leads me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
EVEN THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH, I FEAR NO EVIL; FOR THOU ART WITH ME; THY ROD AND THY STAFF, THEY COMFORT ME.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of my enemies; thou anointest my head with oil, my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and
I SHALL DWELL IN THE HOUSE OF THE LORD FOREVER.

Is it ironic that in Sunday school the year Jessica was diagnosed that this Psalms was their memory work and I was their teacher? I know that Jessica is now in heaven with our Lord and Savior, and that the evils of this world can no longer hurt her. She put up a good fight, and only thought positively of her outcome. In one of her final journals that she wrote for school, she said, "My final goal for this year is to beat this cancer and make sure it never comes back!" She did beat her cancer, and she was right - it can NEVER come back again!

For the parents that are still walking the dark road of cancer treatments and its effects, I pray that God gives you strength, peace, and someday cancer free children!

Tuesday, February 10, 2004 5:25 PM CST

Considering that Valentine's Day is fast approaching, I wanted to share a verse with you that I thought was interesting and clever.

***********For God so loVed the world
****************that he gAve
*******************his onLy son,
**********that whoever bElieves
************************iN him
*****************shall noT
**********************perIsh but
***************have EterNal
***********************lifE!

John 3:16

If you look at all of the capital letters that are in the middle vertically, you will notice that it spells out VALENTINE!

Yes, God loves us and wants us to spread his love. So, have at it - start with Valentine's Day and then continue on spreading his love the rest of your life! Out of all things, there is nothing greater than love.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Saturday, January 31, 2004 4:18 PM CST

The last two mornings I have awaken from sleep, knowing that I have dreamt about Jessica. It is not upsetting since I enjoy being able to see her beautiful face, freckles, and bright, beaming smile! However, these dreams are making me think that there is a subconscious battle going on. I have dreamt about being in NY (as if we are there for treatment), and then realizing the cold truth that Jessica is no longer with us in this world. I wonder why I am there, and then suddenly, I find myself with her. Jessica is busy talking to me, asking me questions, and walking with me.

Is my mind finally coming to the realization that Jessica IS gone, and there is nothing I can do about it - while my soul still doesn't want to believe? Is there safety in my dreams for the part of me that refuses to believe that Jessica has died and that we were cheated out of so much?

I don't have the answers! I can only take refuge in the dream or vision that I had days after Jessica passed from this world. Jessica came to me in the 1 hour of possible sleep that I had that night. It was a perfectly warm fall day. She was walking towards me, smiling and singing. Her beautiful long hair was waving in the breeze, and she looked perfectly healthy! This completely caught me by surprise, considering I knew that she had pneumonia and that the last time I had seen her, she needed blow-by oxygen to feel confortable. When I asked her how she was, she replied, "I feel great!" Seeing this, I told her that we should get ahold of the doctors, so that we could have a chest x-ray done. I told her that if her chest x-ray was clear, we would be able to take her home! I remember the confusion I felt when she said to me, "They don't do x-rays here, Mom." She then turned and skipped away from me.

I believe this was her way of letting me know that she is totally healed now, and that I should not worry about her. Even in this next life, she is still taking care of me! Jessica and I had a very close bond, and for that I am thankful!

I want to continue to thank all of you for your love and support. It means so much to us all!

Wednesday, January 21, 2004 12:22 AM CST

Day by day, we continue to walk past the large piles of cards that we received from family and friends when Jessica passed from this world and joined our Lord Jesus in heaven. For months now, I knew that I was personally not ready or strong enough to face reading all of the notes of love and support that were held within those cards. As the last weeks have passed, I started feeling guilty that we had not looked at these cards and felt that maybe I was finally ready.

Yesterday, Tony and I opened approximately 25 to 30 cards. As we sat there with tears streaming down our face, I realized how instantaneously all of those feelings of loss, anger, and confusion can come back. This is one nightmare that we will never be awakened from. It reminds us of how much we have truly lost and how badly our hearts still ache for her! What we wouldn't give for one more hug or glance at that gleaming smile of hers. It doesn't seem fair and it NEVER will!! Nothing can change that overwhelming empty feeling inside my heart and soul! Yet it also reminds us of the volumes of people whose lives and hearts she touched. Their lives will never be the same either. She taught us many things about life that I pray none of us will ever forget!

So, if you are still waiting for your checks to be cashed that you may have placed in a sympathy card to us, please forgive us and be patient in regards to how long it is taking us. We will eventually be strong enough to get through all of these cards.

I want to thank you all for your friendship, love, support, and words of encouragement in the guestbook. This journey continues to be difficult for us all, but your love helps ease our pain.

Wednesday, January 14, 2004 8:50 AM CST

The last couple of days has brought good news with them. Tony's work strike was averted, and my dermatology office called and said that the mole removed from my back "that they didn't like the looks of", was just a mole! Thank Goodness! I think we were both worried about Melanoma!

Today is a special day for us. It is our 20th anniversary. As I remember back 20 years, I can tell you that we would have never guessed that our lives would be like they are today. We have had many good times through the years, but also our share of unhappy times. I'm sure we had no idea how deep of pain that we would have to endure! Before we were married, I knew that Tony was my 'Knight in Shining Armour'. He was my rock to lean on when times were bad, and he always seemed to guide me through to better days. He continues to be there - guiding us through the storms of life. As I think back, we were very naive! We were young, just starting our lives together in this world and thinking that only good things were ahead of us! However, the world has given us quite an education in the last 20 years! Through all of it, we have loved, laughed, rejoiced, worried and wept. I would not want to have shared these last 20 years with anyone else. No, life has not been fair to us, but TOGETHER we can handle anything! So, today, I thank God for bringing Tony into my life - even if he drives me crazy sometimes. I'm sure that I do my share, too! I am thankful for the 20 years that we have been married, and hope that there are many more years left to come. To be there for each other - "For better, for worse. For richer, for poorer. In sickness and in health!" That is truly what marriage is about.

Friday, January 9, 2004 1:54 PM CST

Tuesday marked 3 months now that we have had to live without our beloved daughter. It all continues to be so surreal. It continues to make us feel like life is "SO UNFAIR"! Why is it that she fought so hard to live and would have done anything to continue her life, while others do unimaginable things to end theirs? Do they not understand how fragile life is? They obviously do not have the same appreciation for their lives, as Jessica did!

I remember updating her website one day, where I wrote how emotionally strong that Jessica was, only looking at the positive things in her life. Afterwards, I had her look at the new entries in her guestbook. When she was done, she must have gone to the main webpage and read what I had written. I remember that she came into the other room and said, "Thanks Mom"! I asked her what she was thanking me for, and she replied "For writing such nice things about me on my webpage!" What a sweetheart! I miss so many things about her: her bright smile, her laugh, the way she would squeal and scream when she was excited, her tears when she was scared, the way she liked to sit in my lap with our arms wrapped around each other, and the way she would want to snuggle in bed with me in the mornings while we talked and giggled about things. She made such an impact in this world that I will never forget. Does it get easier? I don't think so! You just learn to cope, just as you do if you have lost a limb. You learn to live with what you have and continue on. So, we will learn to cope until the day that we join Jessica in heaven.

As for my run in with skin cancer, I had the spot removed on Tuesday as planned. They are hopeful that they got it all. While doing a check of the rest of my body, they found a mole that they did not like the looks of on my back and removed that for a biopsy, also. Hopefully it will not be anything to be alarmed by. Because of the procedure, my forehead was swollen for a couple of days. Thanks to gravity, that swelling has now moved down to my eye lids and have made things a bit harder to deal with. However, I have been told that it should absorb in a couple more days. Thanks for the extra prayers and for your concern. Hopefully this will be the last of it!

Thanks to all of our friends and family for your support this week, and for the last three months. We appreciate all of your calls, concerns, and prayers. God Bless!

Friday, January 2, 2004 11:05 PM CST

Happy New Year! I don't remember ever being so anxious for a year to be done and for a new one to start, as I was this year. Our family Christmas was very hard to bear this year without Jessica. However, I made up a few gifts (latest pictures of Jessica) in new frames that will continue to remind us of our precious daughter and how very much she affected our lives and of how much we love her. She will be forever in our hearts!! Jazzmyn gave me a fiber-optic angel that is just beautiful. She is wearing a pink and purple flowing dress. Oh, how it makes me think of what Jessica must look like in heaven. Dressed in her favorite colors, her long golden hair flowing, and holding a small animal. Sounds just like her, doesn't it?

Christmas with our families were easier to handle, since we were surrounded by a lot of activity and games. In place of giving gifts in my family, $450.00 was donated towards Neuroblastoma research! I think that makes me happier than any gift would have, and my guess is that was how the rest of my family probably felt, also.

The year of 2003 seemed to not be able to leave without one more kick while we were still down. On the 31st, I received a call from my dermatology office informing me that a biopsy of a spot that I have had on my forehead was "basal cell carcinoma". Yes, you guessed it - CANCER!! Have we not had enough of this word? I was informed that it is easily dealt with - they only need to remove it and make sure that they get good margins when they cut it out. Then they will check every six months to make sure that there are no more reoccurrances. I tried to calmly tell Tony and the kids this, but since our wounds from cancer are so fresh, I can tell you that this sent everyone over the edge! Poor Jazzmyn said that she did not want me to go to heaven with Jessica and leave her as the only girl in the family. We all sobbed after that comment. I have reassurred the kids that this is very common, and that it does not spread. Plus, I reminded them that I am too stubborn to let this get the best of me! Josh chipped in that "So was Jessica"! Anyway, I think we are in better control now that a few days have passed. Tony called Dr. Bostrom (Jessica's oncologist), who calmly told Tony and I that this is very common, easily dealt with, and more or less not to panic. Dr. Bostrom has a very calming affect and made Tony feel better. So as they remove this cancerous spot on Tuesday, say an extra prayer for us! Pray that they get it all, and that it never comes back! I guess that is waht you call ending the year with a "THUD"!!!

Thankyou all for your support through this holiday season. We could not have made it without you and all of your prayers. There are many more firsts without Jessica yet to come, but with your love and support, somehow we will make it through.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003 12:33 AM CST

As Christmas is drawing near quickly, I have found myself lacking "Santa gifts" for our stockings. This is an important deal, since Jazzmyn still believes in Santa! So, this morning, I asked Jazzmyn to come and snuggle with me in bed. As we were enjoying the time together, I thought it would be the perfect time to ask for ideas. I asked, "Jazzmyn, if you could have anything in the world for Christmas, what would you wish for?" I don't know if I was surprised by her response or not - her response was 'Jessica'. I smiled at her with tears in my eyes, and said "me too, I really miss her!" Unfortunately, this is one wish that NO ONE can grant.

We were visited by one of Jessica's friends last Friday. She had with her a gift for us that I would like to share with the rest of you. It was a poem that she had written since Jessica passed away, and it is very touching.

Jessica

Through all the tears, and all the pain
You held yourself and stayed the same.
And all the times we cried for you,
You'd say don't worry, I'll make it through.
We've lost you now, but in our hearts we
know that somewhere, somehow you
Still glow. You've inpired me and others
Too, hopefully now we'll make it
Through. Every time I glow with glee,
I'll think of you running free.
Things in life are not fair, we know
But you always found a way to glow.
Every time I'm running free,
I'll think of you smiling down at me.

Thankyou Nicole, this poem is beautiful! Jessica has left her mark on all of us, and hopefully we will all carry some of her spirit and appreciation for life with us!

Remember that the most important things in life are not your jobs and material things, but your family and friends. Treasure them daily! The relationships that you make in this world, and the impressions that you leave on the people you meet and love the most is what people will remember about you! This is what we should all strive to be remembered for when we too, eventually walk through those gates of heaven to our eternal home with Jesus.

I pray that you all have a very Blessed Christmas and a Joyous New Year! To our friends with children that are still fighting this horrid disease, I pray that your children will be able to become cancer free in the New Year. I am saddened to tell you that one of the families that we met during our last trip to New York lost their son, Jake, late last week. Please pray for strength and comfort for Jake's family as they mourn during this holiday season. Hold you loved ones close and appreciate every moment that you have together!

Thankyou for all of the continued help, fellowship, and love that you all continue to give us. We appreciate and are thankful for each and every one of you! God Bless!!

Thursday, December 18, 2003 2:24 PM CST

Considering Christmas is closing in on us quickly, I would say that we are all doing reasonably well. Sometimes I still cannot believe that Jessica is gone! We were sailing along so well, and were finally at the end of her treatment! It is like we were driving along on the open road, and while we turned to look out the side window at the sunrise, we drove off of a cliff - spiraling out of control.

There were many times during the years of Jessica's treatments that we felt as if we had fallen off of the speeding train of life. It seems as if everyone else's lives continued on track as usual, while we were stuck in the hospital, isolated at home because of her low counts, and whatever we did in our day to day lives, it was dictated by her illness. Unfortunately, when you loose a child, you are still excluded from the speeding train of life! For everyone else, life goes on! For us, we are in a dark hole called grief. We do not have the energy or passion to jump back on life's speeding train. It seems like life has come to a stand-still, and everything is passing us by!! How cruel death seems!

Last month, a friend of ours showed us a flyer for a fund-raiser that was happening just miles south of our place. It was for a 3 1/2 yr. old girl who had been diagnosed with Neuroblastoma (the same cancer that Jessica fought). I was not able to attend the fundraiser, but there has been a small voice in my head talking to me since I saw the flyer. It keeps telling me to reach out to this family - offer your heart, your ears, and your knowledge about available treatments for this disease! I have finally listened to this voice in my head, and wrote this family a letter last week. I have offered my support if they would ever want it. I may not ever hear from them, but at least I feel as if I tried. There were many times that Tony and I wished we had had someone to talk to about this disease, or about treatment options. I hope that we can be of some help to them. I feel positive about having written this letter and offering them our help and understanding.

Thankyou for continuing to offer your time and love to us. Thankyou Gail and Laura for spending time making cookies, talking, and decorating the tree on Saturday! Thanks to Pat and Dallas for inviting us to their church Christmas program - it was awesome! The get-together afterwards was great, also! It makes life easier for us right now being able to spend it with good friends! I would also like to thank my sister for letting me talk her ear off on Sunday night, when I was feeling down. It really helped me out! Next time you call, you will have to hold the phone up to your other ear - equal treatment you know! Thankyou all for keeping us in your thought and prayers during this holiday season. It is continuing to be a hard one!

Wednesday, December 10, 2003 10:27 PM CST

Last week continued to be a highly emotional week for me. I think that trying to be emotionally strong over Thanksgiving caught up with me last week. I'm sure that it didn't help that I spent time going through pictures that we had gotten developed. Pictures of Jessica's 13th birthday, pictures of our last visit to NY City, when Tony and Jazzmyn came out to visit and go site seeing, pictures of our last vacation together as a family in the Black Hills, and pictures of the last time Jessica went horseback riding on Tear Bear. It was such a short time ago, and we were so happy then! If you learn anything from our family, learn that you need to not take anything for granted. Tell your family that you love them, TODAY! They may not be here tomorrow. Make the most of your life, and enjoy it to the fullest!

We heard from Jessica's oncologist this week. He informed us that Jessica's kidneys and lungs were damaged much more than they had ever imagined. This was caused by all the chemo and radiation that was used to get rid of her cancer. Unfortunately, everyone's toleration level to these poisons are different. In cases with Neuroblastoma, if the cancer has returned a second time, the likehood of it returning again is high. That is why such an agressive treatment is used in fighting this cancer! I can tell you though that Jessica's body was free from cancer at the time her organs failed her. This was a goal of hers - to beat the cancer for a second time, and she did! She always had a positive attitude.

I pray that we can find a cure to cancer, or at least find treatments that do not cause harm to our entire body, while it is causing harm to the cancer. I would like to encourage everyone that is able to make a donation this Christmas to the American Cancer Society or to the 'lunch for life' which goes directly to Neuroblastoma research. The web page is listed below. Make a donation in Jessica's name - do it for Jessica and all of the children that are still fighting this dreadful disease! My extended family is donating the money that we would have spent on gifts for the adults to Neuroblastoma research. I hope that you will have a chance to do the same. Christmas is about Jesus' birth, not all of the commercialism that it has become. Together, we can make a difference!

I continue to thank all of you for your messages of support. Thankyou for sharing your time and listening to our thoughts, feelings, and frustrations. By sharing your time with us, you are sharing your love! Thanks!

Thursday, December 4, 2003 8:43 AM CST

We have survived Thanksgiving, and now my tunnel vision has turned towards 'getting through' Christmas. It is a strange way of looking at the holidays, but it is truly how I feel about them at this time. It is hard to think about 'Christmas' without Jessica this year. This is a girl who at 13 years old, still believed in Santa and the tooth fairy. I never had the heart to tell her, because I thought that enough of her childhood had been taken away from her by the cancer that invaded her body. If she wanted to believe in Santa, why not! I think Christmas was her favorite holiday. Not because of all of the gifts that she would receive, but because of what she could give/or make for others. She took pleasure in people enjoying the gifts that she gave them. Christmas will never be the same in our house!

I feel as if I am living in the ocean, where the waves of sadness and sorrow continue to swell over me. Somedays I feel as if I am doing okay, and then all of the sudden the waves rise and I am drowning again. I find myself looking every morning and night for the beauty of the sunrises and sunsets - reminders of Jessica's beauty.

I have recently acquired a cd with a song that so fits what I have been feeling since Jessica passed away. Some of the lyrics that reach down to my very core are:

"These wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase -

When you cried I'd washed away all of your tears,
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
and I've held your hand through all of these years
You still have me"

Jazzmyn came crying to me the other night after practicing her piano. She had been playing "Angels we have heard on high", and she said that it reminded her of Jessica and how very much she misses her! This is going to be a hard holiday season for us all.

Thanks to all of my family who tried to keep Thanksgiving as happy as possible. I also want to thank all of our friends for trying to keep us busy this holiday season and including us in on your activities. We appreciate it all. Thankyou all for the love and support!

Thursday, December 4, 2003 8:43 AM CST

Wednesday, November 26, 2003 7:10 AM CST

Thanksgiving Day - tomorrow, a holdiay that I usually enjoy, but have been dreading this year as it rapidly approaches. Two celebrated days in 1 week is too much for me these days. Last Sunday was my birthday, and I longed for Jessica's usual words of "Happy Birthday, Mommy!" And the hugs that would have gone along with it. Now, Thanksgiving. She was always so excited to go to her Grandparents. She loved playing with her cousins, and seemed to never get enough playing in. Her excitement over getting a chance to eat lefse, flatbread, pie, sweet potatoes covered in marshmellows (taking more marshmellows than sweet potatoes)and all of the Thanksgiving fixings. She would always take more than she could eat, since it all looked to good! The sparkle of excitement in her eyes as she was surrounded by so much family. She will be with us tomorrow - in our hearts and thoughts.

As for being thankful, it is easy to concentrate on what we have lost, but yet there are many things to be thankful for: The 13 years that we were blessed to have Jessica in our lives and family. Josh, Jazzmyn, Tony - who help me to carry on, and YOU, our friends and family who continue to love, support us, and pick us up when we are down! Thankyou for sharing your lives with us.

THANKYOU AND HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Thursday, November 20, 2003 2:11 PM CST

Yesterday was another very hard day for me. I had run across pictures in an envelope that was on my bedroom floor, and had glanced through them the night before. Pictures of last Christmas, and last Valentines Day. Full of smiles and laughter. Jessica's hair at that time had had a chance to start growing back in and was very cute along with the large smile she had on her face. It all seems like such a very short time ago, we were laughing and enjoying life. It raises that same question that continues to eat at my very core - how could things go SO WRONG, SO FAST! How can my precious daughter be gone! WHY, WHY, WHY!?!?!???

Some days are just unbearable! I feel as if I am wandering around in the dark, trying to find my way, when all of the sudden I hit a tree or brick wall, face first. I can't describe the pain that I feel when I run into those barriers! They continue to knock the air out of me, and send my emotions whirling out of control. And this strong feeling of need to know that Jessica is alright - how can I just turn that off? I have taken care of her and been with her almost every day since she was born. I have been with her through thick and thin, good and bad! I ask God every night to give her a hug from me and to tell her that I LOVE HER! I miss her hugs, and the way she used to call me "Mommy" - even at 13 years old.

I think about how cancer seems to be on the increase, and it seems as if we as human beings are sticking our heads in the sand - refusing to hear the statistics of how greatly it is on the rise! Our chances are now approx. 1 in 4 of having cancer in our lifetimes! How is it that government and people in the spotlight will rally for raising money to find a cure for HIV, heart attacks, etc... while support for cancer seems of so much less important. While our president crushes any progress on finding a cure for many diseases by refusing the use of stem cells (which can be produced without a fetus). Wake up people! Anger, that is what I am feeling! I am angry everytime I hear of another child being diagnosed with cancer, angry everytime I read on a caringbridge website that another child has earned his/her angel wings! Angry when I hear of unborn children being diagnosed in their mother's womb with cancer! Something must be done!!! It is too late to save my daughter, but unfortunately there are plenty of other children that we can try and help. Okay, I will step off my soap box now, but I must focus my anger somewhere!

Thankyou for your continued love and support! We continue to struggle through the days, but it helps knowing that so many wonderful people love us and pray for us.

Wednesday, November 12, 2003 12:40 AM CST

Last week I rode the emotional roller coaster of life. How heavy my heart has been feeling - Jessica's passing has left such an incredible void in our lives! She may have been young, but she made such an impact on us all.

I have been concerned about how Josh has been feeling and dealing with all of this anguish. It is hard to be a young man - is he wondering how he is suppose to act when something like this happens? How are you suppose to feel? Does it show you are weak if you cry or will it upset the rest of the family? I have offered my ear to him numerous times, and that he should not be afraid of making me upset. However, he tells me that it is part of his responsibility to take care of me! He is such a wonderful, loving son that has always made it his responsibility to look after all of us (especially when Tony is gone working for days). He continues to support Jazzmyn, spending special one on one time with her, so that she won't feel so lonely - and maybe this is his way of feeling close to Jessica, also? Doing the things that Jazzmyn and Jessica use to do together?

This week, I think I am finally getting some insight into Josh's heart and seeing how he is truly feeling. On Monday, since the kids had no school, he expressed that he really wanted to show me something at the pet store, and asked if we could go. As we got there, he lead me to a memorial stone that he had seen there a couple of weeks ago. With a very soulful look in his eyes, he asked if we could get it and place it by Jessica's grave. I could see how much this meant to him, and of course agreed that it would be a perfect stone to put next to Jessica. The stone read:

"If tears could build a highway,
and memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to Heaven
and bring you home again"

I believe that sums up what he is feeling! This morning as he stood at the sink putting away his dishes from breakfast, he said "Mom, isn't the sunrise beautiful this morning? It is pink and purple!" I knew at that very moment that he was having a special rememberance of Jessica, knowing that was her favorite colors. Truthfully, I think the sunrise was Jessica's way of saying "I love you!" to us this morning!

Again, I want to thank all of you that are leaving messages of support and love, whether it is through the guestbook, or by phone calls! You are very special people, and we love you! It takes the love and understanding of friends and family to make it through a loss as great as this. Thankyou!

Monday, November 3, 2003 8:37 AM CST

My psyche has been struggling this last week, and as of yesterday, I feel as if I have fallen into a very dark abyss! As we made our way to church, I quickly realized that it was 'All saints Sunday' - the day the church recognizes all members of our parish that has passed away from this earth and have joined our father in heaven. As if it wasn't hard enough to see a candle on the altar - representing Jessica, the children's choir then sang Jessica's favorite children's choir song (Two by Two). This was sung at her funeral, also. I immediately lost any composure that I had left.

As I was walking out of the santuary, with tears still welled up in my eyes, a little girl (probably 7 or 8 yrs. old) was walking beside me. She looked up at me and said with such wisdom, "She is in a better place". It was if those words had come straight from God and he was using this young child as his messenger!

I know that Jessica is in a better place, but I am human, and selfish. What I wouldn't give to have my daughter back again, to see her smile, or to hear her squeal as she would have run house to house trick-or-treating last Friday night! Why are innocent children dying of cancer, while evil people seem to live forever? I have so many questions, and no real answers! I was talking to a good friend this weekend, and we were discussing how things that happen in our lives change who we are and make us hopefully stronger. I definately believe that, but I can tell you that I am sick and tired of being changed! How strong do I need to be? What are God's plans for me?

I apoligize for this downer journal entry, but this is how I feel! I need to write what I feel and get it out before it devours me! Please continue to pray, support, and encourage us. Not only do we have the pain from Jessica's death so fresh in our hearts (4 weeks ago today), but there are other stresses affecting our lives that we could do without. Thankyou for your love and friendship!

Tuesday, October 28, 2003 9:27 AM CST

Just like last week, this week continues to bring tears. We are trying to keep things "normal" for Josh and Jazzmyn, but it is ironic that what most people would call "normal" is not the "normal" we had grown accustom to and have lived with for the last 3 1/2 years! The new "normal" seems strange and unfamiliar.

We have been trying to prepare for Halloween, carving pumpkins, talking about trick-or-treating, and contemplating making decorated cookies. However, no matter what we try and do to keep Jazzmyn happy, she cries. She misses her sister terribly. All the Halloween activities just remind her of how much Jessica is missing out on, and that they used to do all of these "things" together! She told me last night that she feels as if she has a big hole in her heart, and that all of these tears that she is shedding are coming from that hole! I try and let her know that Jessica is still here with us, and that when a great pumpkin face 'pops into her mind' that it would be Jessica that planted that thought in there. However, Jazzmyn informed me that she NEVER has any great pumpking faces "pop" into her mind! Jazzmyn just misses seeing, playing, and hugging her big sister!

Last night as she sat in my lap crying about how she missed Jessica, an old memory came to mind. It sort of seemed fitting, so I shared it with her. I told her that when I was very young (maybe 3 years old), the rest of my family went on vacation without me. I grew very lonely for them and could not understand why they had not come and picked me up after so long of time had passed. One day, I decided that I had waited long enough and it was time to go home to join my family. I started walking up the driveway (which was a quarter of a mile long), to go home! To associate this story for Jazzmyn, I told her that it is like Jessica is on vacation in heaven, but we are still on our "journey" home to join her there. No one knows how long or short their journey home may be, but we need to try to make a difference in this world while traveling that journey towards "home". I told Jazzmyn that by the time we make it to heaven, it will only seem like a few seconds has passed for Jessica. I reassured her that Jessica is not lonely. My father, numerous cousins, and some aunts and uncles are looking after her in heaven. She also has her little playmate "Hannah" whom she met in NY this last February. They are busy with all of the animals in heaven, too! I'm sure that she is making sure all of the kittens in heaven have names - very interesting names!

As for me, I am thankful that for now, the vivid, dark, dreary dreams that I had been having have left my mind. Having brighter dreams at night makes the daylight hours easier to handle! I have heard rumors about a fund raising event that is happening thru the "Children's Neuroblastoma
Cancer Foundation". It has to do with donating $5.00 that you would normally spend on a lunch, and instead donating it towards research of Neuroblastoma cancer! It sounds very worth while and goes directly towards "Neuroblastoma" research. This is the type of cancer that Jessica had. Since it is very rare, there is not alot of funding for it. Most people have not heard of this type of cancer, unless someone they know has it. Please do a search for the 'Children's Neuroblastoma Cancer Foundation' and read up on it - the fundraiser is under of heading of "Lunch for Life". You might want to challenge your friends to challenge other people that they know. Together, we CAN make a difference and maybe some day kill this cancer, instead of continuing to let it kill our children!!!

I want to thankyou you all for continuing to check in on us. I don't know what we would do without your messages of love and encouragement, we truly appreciate your continued help and friendship!

Tuesday, October 21, 2003 10:09 AM CDT

We are very thankful for all of our wonderful friends and family that continue to support us through this very hard chapter in our lives. I cannot begin to explain to you how lost we feel without Jessica. Josh said yesterday that in his mind, he still thinks that he will come home one of these days and Jessica will be sitting on the couch watching scooby-doo cartoons! The cruel reality has not completely sunk in for him.

Yesterday was a hard day for Jazzmyn. She can't understand why this had to happen to "HER" sister! Why Jessica? She misses her sister/best friend so immensely! How can life be so cruel!

As for Tony, he is trying to keep busy. He doesn't feel sorry for himself - he feels sorry for Jessica, who never got a chance to experience so many things, but who I believe lived more in 13 years than most of us ever will!

Yesterday was a hard day for me, also. Being two weeks since we lost our precious daughter, and seeing how terribly Jazzmyn is hurting, rips my heart out even more! As I sat and looked at the pumpkins that Jazzmyn and I bought for Halloween, I thought of how similar I felt to a Jack-o-lantern. I feel as if someone has opened my head, and scraped out all of my insides - especially my heart. My stomach continues to feel like an empty pit - only containing waves of pain and sorrow! I feel as if I am an empty shell of a person - lost and confused by life! This only proves to me how much joy Jessica brought into my life. We lived through each other, we supported each other and made each other laugh and smile! We enjoyed life through good and bad, and because of her, I will enjoy life again! I know that she is in heaven encouraging us on - Jessica knew how to enjoy life and she expects us to carry on, with her in our hearts! How can such a young person teach us SO much!?! She can because she was a gift from God! You hear that there are ANGELS WALKING AMONG US - well, Jessica was and still is, one of those angels!

Thankyou for continuing to support our family. This time would be so much harder without your love! I will probably continue to update this site and let you all know how we are getting along. For all of my Neuroblastoma friends - I pray that your children will beat this dreadful disease, and that you will never have to walk this dark path that we are on right now. I will continue to check your websites and offer encouragement to you along the way! I love you!!

Tuesday, October 7, 2003 6:02 AM CDT

Our little fighter is in God's arms now instead of ours. She felt light headed around 7:30, had a seizure, and went into cardiac arrest. She fought hard to come back, but we had just poured TOO MANY poisons into her body.

We can be thankful that Jessica will no longer have to worry about this dreadful cancer coming back, and will not have to endure any more pain.

All we can say is that God was in need of one very special angel and he called our precious Jessica home to help him in heaven. I'm sure that her her sparkling blue eyes and huge smile is lighting up the heavens above.

We are thankful for having this precious soul in our lives for the past 13 years, and are trying to remember all of the good times. There were many!!

Thankyou all for praying for our sweetheart for all of these past years and encouraging her along the way. We will let you know about arrangements when they are made.
GOD BLESS and hug your children!

Saturday, October 4, 2003 11:08 PM CDT

Things seem to be improving slowly but surely. She is continuing to lose more of the excess water weight, but at a slower pace now. She is still using the blow by oxygen, but seems to be less dependent on it. She is able to have it farther from her nose, and still hold her oxygen level up in the mid 90's. She is also starting to cough/choke up some of the phlem that she has. It is good to get it out of her body!

She seemed to be moving faster and easier today, and seemed more rested when I was with her. She stayed awake for about 6 hours without dropping off to sleep. She is also starting to drink more and she had a couple of popsicles today. Fevers have been staying away, too.

Her blood sugars numbers are back up some, but they are running TPN (lunch in a IV bag), 24 hours a day right now. We are also still waiting for her kidneys to kick in and act normal. We had an X-ray today, but never heard any results. The X-ray was taken after the doctors from the floor had already left. I guess we will hear tomorrow.

Thankyou for continuing to check on Jessica's progress and for your continued prayers. She still is in need of many prayers, and we are thankful that you are all letting God know of our many needs.

Friday, October 3, 2003 4:16 PM CDT

It has been a long couple of days, but we pray that we are starting to turn the corner to better health.

The doctors felt better about things yesterday since all of the cultures had come back negative for fungal infections. One from her lung did grow out as Alpha strep, and they have started her on a new antibiotic to take care of that. Since her bronchoscopy, she has needed to be on oxygen at all times. Without it, her oxygen level drops down to the low 80's. The biggest problem yesterday was her water retention. By evening, she was up to 90 lbs and was stiff all over. We are associating the need for oxygen with the weight gain. There is so much fluid on her body that her lungs are unable to expand. They are being restricted by the extra pressure of the water. The doctor decided last night that enough was enough. They doubled her lasix, and started her on another form of oral medicine that also helps shed water weight. By 11:00 am this morning, she had dropped down to 81 lbs. Needless to say, we were very happy to have her up going to the bathroom all night! We are now weighing her each time she gets up to make sure we are not turning around in the wrong direction again.

This morning we had another chest x-ray done and according to the doctor, her x-ray looked a "tich better". Thank God!

We have also started once again to decrease her morphine that she has used for pain. This is the culprit that started the water retention problem in the first place. Hopefully by tomorrow, we will be completely off of that.

Jessica received a "Get Well Card - handmade from her classmates/friends/ and teachers at the Jr. High. There were so many messages of encouragement on there, that it is next to impossible to count how many! It brought the first smile out of her that I had seen in days! Thankyou all!!!

I also want to thank all of you that continue to leave her messages of encouragement in her guestbook! I print them out and read them to her. It makes a big difference for her, knowing that people are concerned and praying for her!

Please continue to keep her in pray. Once she turns the corner to getting better, she will have a long recovery to get back to where she was before this week. She needs prayers to continue loosing the extra water weight, and for her lungs to continue getting rid of the pneumonia. Also pray for her kidneys to start functioning the way they should. God bless!

Wednesday, October 1, 2003 11:42 PM CDT

Today has been another frustrating and confusing day, but maybe by tomorrow we will have some answers! We had our CT scan this morning, and all it did was bring up more worry!

Nothing showed up for the kidney, so that still has us in guessing. Dr. Bostrom called in a kidney specialist to help. The CT scan did show more than the x-rays had been and there was some pneumonia on the right also. Our doctor also decided to call in an ENT specialist, a pulmonary specialist, and an infectious disease person. They all consulted and decided to check out a few things. There was a suspicious spot in Jessica's nose that was looking like it could be a fungus problem. They decided to put her under and do a biospy. After doing that, they decided that it probably is just the way she is, and less likely to be fungus. Believe me, this is a good thing. We will know tomorrow for sure. While they had Jessica under sedation, they decided to do a bronchoscopy down her lung. In doing so, they washed out her left lung. The pulmonary specialist was happy with how the procedure went and said he washed out some "pussy stuff" out of the lower left lung. He said that this told him that her white cells were attacking the pneumonia. They also will test what flushed out of her lung for fungus infection, etc ... It will help us know if we are giving her the correct antibiotic or not.

As for her pancreas, Dr. Bostrom stopped the TPN around noon. Jessica received a couple insulin shots during the night, with her last one around 1:00pm this afternoon. Even the insulin didn't seem like it was making a dent in her blood glucose numbers. Oddly enough, the nurses checked it after her procedures and her blood glucose was '89'! That is where it should be!!! I don't know why all of the sudden it was back to normal but I will take it and thank God for helping us! Now her white blood cells won't be so sluggish! Hopefully it will stay down now!

Thankyou all for praying for Jessica so deligently, and please continue. She could use prayers to help her left kidney to start functioning correctly again, pray for 'NO FUNGUS INFECTIONS', for her blood sugar to stay down in the normal ranges, and for her white counts to beat the daylights out of her pneumonia so that she can breathe better and with less pain and coughing. Thankyou all so much for supporting our family - especially Jessica!

Tuesday, September 30, 2003 10:48 PM CDT

Jessica's counts and ANC are up today, but there are other problems that are not allowing them to work the way they should. They gave Jessica TPN to help make up for the food that she is not eating. It is more or less a bag lunch given IV. For some reason, her pancreas seems to not be responding to the "bag lunch" and her blood glucose shot up to 583. Already having a diabetic in the family, we know that this is extremely high! The stopped the TPN for the day and it dropped down to 283 (which is still not in normal range, but alot better than 538). Tonight they started TPN again, and she has once again shot back up to 480 so far. They will be checking it every 6 hours. The endocrinologist said that when the blood sugars are that high, that the white blood cells get sluggish and decide to take the day off from their work at fighting illnesses. THIS IS NOT WHAT WE NEED!!!

We also seem to have a problem with her kidney function. They also seem slightly sluggish, so tomorrow they will be doing a CT scan of them. They are checking for a possible kidney stone. They have thought that the pain in her lower left back was from the pneumonia in her left lung, but are now wondering if it isn't pain from a kidney stone in her left kidney.

She also got next to NO SLEEP last night! I was able to get her a 3 hour nap today, and so far tonight she was resting okay. I pray she gets a very good night sleep. At least the best you can get in a hospital!?!? As for the pneumonia, it seems to be breaking up some and the nurses and doctors are able to hear more air flow through her left lung. Thank God for that!

Please continue to pray for Jessica. She needs many prayer warriors to help her through this ordeal. Hopefully she will come thru the other side of this without any extra health problems! Please pray for her pancreas and kidneys to start functioning the way they are meant to. Pray for much needed sleep, for the pneumonia to continue to break up and move on out, and for her blood glucose to drop into a semi-normal range so that her white count can do the work it was meant to. Also, thankyou all that have left encouraging messages for Jessica. It really helps her mentally to know that there are so many people praying and cheering her on! You are all wonderful!

Tuesday, September 30, 2003 10:51 AM CDT

Jessica's counts are starting back up, and her tongue looks 10 times better! However, the pneumonia is continuing to give her a hard time. Sounds like she did not get hardly any sleep again last night. Coughing alot of the time, so severely that it causes her to throw up! She hates that!!!
I think that if she could get some sleep that would make a huge difference. Her chest also continues to hurt and her left lung. She has had to endure so much, but she keeps on going! She must have energizer batteries in her!!!

Another good thing is that she has lost more of her water weight that she had gained. She was down to 79 lbs today - yesterday she weighed 83 lbs. That is a substantial drop and hopefully this will help her feel better, too!

Her white count jumped from 600 yesterday to 1700 today, so we are hoping that they will get in that left lung and kick some pneumonia buns! They are giving her breathing treatments every 4 hours during the day, and this seems to be starting to break up that spot in her lung. The doctors and nurses are starting to hear air flow thru the left lung, and crackling from what is left of the pneumonia.

Please continue to pray for her quick recovery, sleep, and for her counts to keep moving in the upward motion. We really appreciate all of you praying for her and our family! You are doing a great job! Thankyou!!!

Sunday, September 28, 2003 11:01 PM CDT

This continues to be a frustrating week!!! Jessica's condition has continued to snowball and late this afternoon she was admitted to Mpls. Children's Hospital with pneumonia. The doctors have started her on 3 different antibiotics and breathing treatments to try and get this under control quickly. It is amazing how quickly this can develop. On Friday afternoon, Jessica's lungs were clear!

Yesterday I noticed that Jessica had started retaining fluids, and after checking her on our scale had my suspicions verified by an extra 5 lbs of weight. This was caused by the morphine that she is taking for the pain she is experiencing from the mouth sores. We were able to get some lasix, and by this morning she had shed approx. 3 to 4 lbs.

Her tongue did seem better today, less swollen and not as red. I pray that this is a sign that her white counts are starting to come back. We will need all we can get to fight off this pneumonia.

Please help us out by praying for Jessica. Pray for her counts to come back, so that she can fight this off. Pray for her tongue to heal so that she can eat and drink once again without pain. Pray for the antibiotics to knock this pneumonia out of her body and bring her back to health. We are in need of many prayers and ask for your help!

Lastly, don't forget to leave Jessica your words of encouragement in her guestbook. Knowing that she has people cheering her on, boosts her spirits and her counts!

Friday, September 26, 2003 12:43 AM CDT

It has been a very trying couple of days for Jessica. Her mouth sores have continued to worsen to the point that it stings even when she drinks water. Her mouth has been producing very thick saliva because of her sores, and now it has settled into her throat. This has left her with a choking cough, and by yesterday morning, the residual pain had made it into her ears. No ear infection, but caused by all of the pain in her mouth and throat!

ARE WE HAVING FUN YET??????

We headed into the doctor yesterday, and they soon had her hooked up with morphine to help with the pain. This has only brought the pain down from a '10' which is the top of the scale to a 5 to 7 range instead. It is almost impossible to eat and her poor little tummy is growling for food. We had finally gotten her up to 80 lbs., and I am sure she is dropping back down now. The doctor wanted to put her in the hospital to monitor her, but Jessica would not hear of it. We all know that mentally she is better at home!!! I promised that if things got any worse, I would bring her in. We are praying that will not happen! We are praying even harder for her counts to come back up so that it will heal all of these problems up. We are so thankful that this was the last round of VP-16, and hopefully she will not have to experience this ever again. Even our doctor said it was a good thing it was the last round! As for me, I pushed to use our remaining GM-CSF on Jessica. This is a faster way to get her counts to come up, and we had left-over GM-CSF from when we were in NY. At $500.00/ml, I don't mind using it up!! Hopefully we will get our money's worth by getting her counts to recover more quickly!!!

Please keep Jessica in your prayers in the next week! Pray that we can keep her out of the hospital and that her counts will come up over the weekend! God knows she deserves a break!!! Thankyou for checking in, and praying for our sweetheart!

Wednesday, September 17, 2003 9:13 PM CDT

The weekend seemed to fly by, and here it is Wednesday already. On Friday, Jessica got a chance to ride her favorite horse through the pasture and she had a great time. It was a beautiful day, and Tear Bear seemed happy to be out cantering around.

On Sunday, we attended the Make-A-Wish reunion at Camp Snoopy in the Mall of America. As alot of you know, it is an amusement park inside the mall. We were there from 11:30 a.m. to 7:30 p.m. I think we have had enough rides for awhile now. However, a great time was had by all, and we got a chance to see some kids that we had not seen in a very long time.

On Monday, we ventured into the doctor's office for a check-up on Jessica's blood counts. Her Hemoglobin was already down to 7.4 (which explains her headaches as she climbs the stairs), and her platelets were 15,000. If we had known that they were that low, she may not have ridden horse on Friday. Good thing that we didn't know, huh? We will have to hold off on horse riding now, until her platelets come back up to a reasonable level. We are having a nurse come out to our house tomorrow to check her levels again. We are planning on having to go into the hospital to get some blood in the afternoon. It will probably make Jessica feel better, so it is definately worth the trip!

Jessica has been busy with alot of schoolwork! It is hard to get it all explained by the tutor in only 1 hour per week/per subject. I never knew I was qualified to be a teacher!!!

Other than that, things have been pretty quiet around the Nielsen household! Thankyou for checking in on Jessica and please continue to hold her in your prayers. We have 4 days of oral chemo left, and hopefully that will be it FOREVER!!! Please pray for Jessica's counts to bounce back quickly after the chemo is done!

Tuesday, September 9, 2003 10:18 PM CDT

Jessica had a great week at school last week! That is, except for the day that her locker was continually jamming and she ended up getting to her Civics class 15 minutes late. When I heard this, all I could do is laugh! She can now, too. She was exhausted by the end of Friday, but it was a good kind of exhaustion. She is enjoying the ability to sleep in this week!

This week is a bit slower for her since she is now staying home from school because of the chemo that she is taking. I think she misses the excitement, and I know that she misses the instruction that she would be getting from her teachers. It is always easier to do your schoolwork when you have the teacher explaining what they are to do. Our tutor is coming out on Thursday, so that will help. Until then, we are working on what we can.

We are heading to the dentist tomorrow for another dental adventure. Seems like a piece of root from the baby teeth that we pulled out 1 year ago in August has worked its way down beside one of the perminent teeth and it is making it sore to chew on that side. We figured we better get it done before her platelets go down. Hopefully it will be an easy fix!

Other than that, Jessica is feeling well and she is missing Josh and Jazzmyn while they are in school.

We are heading to a Make-a-Wish reunion on Sunday at Camp Snoopy. The kids are looking forward to going on as many rides as they can squeeze in! It is all sponsored by the MN Make-a-Wish Foundation. They have the best ideas for kids! I'll update you all on how it goes! Should be a blast!!!

Thankyou for continuing to check in on Jessica and our family! We appreciate you all!

Wednesday, September 3, 2003 9:09 AM CDT

I think this is going to be a very eventful week, considering school started yesterday! Jessica made it through her first full day of school without too much stress, and with very little homework. She only had problems with her locker combination once - this was one of her biggest worries. She said that she had a nervous stomach almost all day, so hopefully today she will be more relaxed. Today in band they will be playing their instruments, and since she has not been able to play her clarinet for more than a year, this too is causing stress for her. I pray that all goes well and that she can relax and have some fun!

We heard from New York today that Jessica has once again developed the antibody. Therefore, we will probably not be going out the end of this month in order to receive treatment. We may however, have to go out for another round of tests to make sure she is still clear of cancer. I hope to hear from them later this week.

We started our FINAL round of chemo on Labor Day. I am so happy that this is our final round, and hope that this will be the last chemo for her ever!

Thankyou for all of the prayers and encouraging words that you have sent our way! You brighten our days!

Tuesday, August 26, 2003 4:52 PM CDT

We have returned from vacation much more rested than before, and alot less stressed! We had a very relaxing and enjoyable time in the Black Hills. The weather was great for the most part. We went tubing down the creek, fishing, hiking, biking, and horseback riding. The kids really did not want to leave, so we stayed and left on Sunday instead.

Thankyou Eleanor and Melvin for letting us stay at your house Saturday night!

Now that we are back, we are preparing for school. Today Jessica and I went to the Jr. High, and met alot of her teachers that she will have this year. This should help relieve her stress about where the classrooms are at and whether or not she will be able to open her locker. She seems to be alot more at ease now and maybe even a bit excited for school. She will be able to go the first 4 days before we will have to pull her back out to do home tutoring. She starts her LAST round of chemo on 9/1 and we do not want her exposed to alot of kids as her counts start to dive down. At least she will get a taste of things and that will help her transition for when she does go back to school.

Please pray that her last round of chemo goes smoothly and that this cancer continues to stay away. We really appreciate all of your words of encouragement and your prayers. You play an important role in Jessica's health!

Sunday, August 17, 2003 1:11 AM CDT

Well, it has certainly been an interesting couple of days! Just as I was updating Jessica's site on Thursday, the blackout hit before I got a chance to hit the add button. As I found my way up to the lobby, I discovered that Jessica and Jazzmyn had gotten stuck in the elevator when the lights went out. They were not stuck for long thanks to a back-up generator in the Ronald McDonald House. They were freed, but were scared and crying since there were no adults in the elevator with them.

We were able to get pizza at the corner restaurant since they had a gas stove, and made our way thru the dark night with our little flashlight. By Friday morning, there still was no power. We walked to the hospital and found out that treatment had been cancelled. The nurses told us all to go home (or back to the House). We then enjoyed cold left-over pizza for breakfast, since there were no stores open due to no power. We then found out that there were no flights leaving out of the airports due to no power. Yes - we were stranded in New York! By mid-morning power came on and we were able to finish cleaning the room and packing.

Tony came out on Friday night to try and rescue. We woke up on Saturday morning at 4:00 trying to get out of NY on the 6:00 AM flight. Unfortunately, there was not enough room and the next flight was cancelled. We tried again on the 11:40 flight and thankfully got on by 12:00. Unfortunately, by the time we were on the runway, a storm moved in west of NY and we were held on the run-way until 7:00pm. Yes, we did finally make it home to Minn. and are thankful to be here. Tomorrow we are off to a very well deserved vacation in the Black Hills. We will update you all when we get back.

Thankyou all for the messages and cards of encouragement. They were all greatly appreciated! Thankyou for helping us thru another round of treatment in NY. God Bless!!!

Wednesday, August 13, 2003 2:56 PM CDT

Well, things are going very differently than last week did. Jessica has had no pain, tightness, or hives with any of her treatments this week. This seems very odd, but what is even odder is that no one else is having any problems either. It is like they have put a water solution in the syringes instead of mouse antibodies. It seems unlikely that all of the kids would be developing a "HAMA", so it makes you wonder. Even the nurse that administers the antibody has noticed the difference.

They are continuing to push us to give Jessica GM-CSF shots in order to get her counts up. Her counts are great right now, except for her platelets. This is understandable since the GM shot pushes new blood cells to develop into white and red blood cells instead of platelets. Jessica and I are all waiting to be done with these shots! Jazzmyn has been a helper by holding Jessica's hand while I give her the shot, so that helps.

Today at the clinic they had a Hawaiian Luau. The clinic was really decorated and the kids had a blast! They had beach balls, a limbo contest, clowns, a magician, pizzas, hawaiian drinks, etc.... A good time was had by all, and even the nurses dressed up. Tonight the House is setting up a game of bingo, so the girls are looking forward to that. Last night they had a "family give-away" - they gave each families choices of numerous things. The girls picked out lotions, fingernail polish, body soaps, etc... that came from "Bath and Body works". They also gave everyone toothpaste, toothbrushes, and the girls got MORE stuffed animals! They thought it was great, and I was thinking of the added weight that it was going to add to our suitcases! (You can tell who will be pulling them around when it is time to go to the airport)!

Thankyou all that have sent cards and notes. Jessica's eyes light up when she finds mail in the mail box here. She has also appreciated the messages in her guestbook. Thankyou for all of the prayers and for helping us get through another round of treatments.

Monday, August 11, 2003 11:39 AM CDT

We had an exciting and exhausting day yesterday. We started off at Central Park, rode the carousel and then took a horse-drawn buggy ride thru part of Central Park. From there we took off via taxi to Ground Zero. They have started constructing the new buildings that are going to go up there. It was interesting, but depressing at the same time. After enjoying an ice cream cone, we decided to head off towards the Empire State Bldg. Jessica hailed the taxi for us. You can see everything for many, many miles from on top of the Empire St. Bldg. 86 stories high and a bit windier than it was on the ground. We got a good view of the Crysler Bldg, and could see the Statue of Liberty in the far distance, also.
By this time, the girls were starving, so we decided to go to one of our favorite spots to eat. Dallas BBQ - where the girls ate so quickly that they got done before Tony and I did. Since we have frequented this spot numerous times, the manager knows us and greets us with a warm, knowing smile. The manager told us that dinner was on the house last night, and it was trully enjoyed by all. There are some really nice people in NY. That reminds me, I forgot to let you know that Jessica got to sit in the front of a NY fire truck on Saturday. For some reason, the fire alarm went off in the RMDHouse and we were just heading out to eat brunch. One of the firemen asked Jessica if she would like to sit in the front of the rig, where the "Boss" usually rides. I sure wish I had my camera with me!

Today's treatment went VERY easy! No pain, no tight chest, no hives - nothing!?!? The family in the room with us experienced the same thing. We thought it was strange that neither reacted, but took it as it was and left for the house to enjoy the rest of the day.

Thankyou for continuing to check on Jessica and her progress. God bless!

Sunday, August 10, 2003 12:10 AM CDT

We have enjoyed sleeping in and getting caught up the last two mornings. We had lobster again last night for supper. It is so reasonable out here for fish that you just can't pass it up.

Jazzmyn and Tony came in today, so Jessica has already shown her the playroom with the video games. We are now off to see the sites, and will let you know how it goes tomorrow.

Thanks for all of the prayers and messages of support. We can't do it without all of your help!

Friday, August 8, 2003 4:21 PM CDT

TGIF! It was nice to be back in the clinic for treatments today. We were done and ready to head back to the house by 12:00. Treatments were intense, but no visible hives today. Jessica said that she had one in the back of her throat again today, but she meditated through it. Cold water seems to help, also. She has alot of residual pain in her knees and feet, but we are hoping that will fade over the weekend. I just hate to see her have to take so much pain medication, but it seems to help. We are looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow morning!

We are also looking forward to Tony and Jazzmyn coming out on Sunday. Jazzmyn is always such a bright spot in Jessica's day - and I know that Jazzmyn is missing Jessica, too. We are hoping that by Sunday, Jessica will feel up to some sight-seeing around the big apple. We are talking about heading out now and getting an ice cream cone at baskin-robbins. We need to celebrate making it thru another week of treatments.

Thankyou all for the many prayers that were said for Jessica while she was hospitalized and while she continues to go thru treatment. She really appreciates your notes of encouragement. If you care to send her a card, the address to the Ronald McDonald House is just below this entry. We are in room 901. It usually takes 4 days to get here from the midwest.

We hope you all have a great weekend!

Thursday, August 7, 2003 1:38 PM CDT

Good News! We are being discharged from the hospital today! Nothing has grown in any other cultures that were taken from Jessica since the very first culture that was taken on Monday, and considering the bacteria that grew out, they are now thinking that it was a contaminent that came from the nurse's hands that drew the culture from Jessica. Therefore, we are waiting to get our blood tranfusion of platelets and then we can go whenever we want. Jessica gave the resident Dr. a high five when he delivered the news to us!

We are also done with 3F8 antibody treatment for the day, and that went better, too! She still had tightness in her chest, and some hives, but nothing like yesterday. The nurse from the clinic asked me what I thought made the difference and I told her that today's mice white cells must have come from minnie mouse, where yesterday's must have been white blood cells from Mighty mouse. She thought that was good enough to share with the rest of the kids in the clinic.

Anyway, thanks for the prayers and continued support. Please continue to check in on her progress and leave her notes of encouragement. We appreciate all that you do!

Wednesday, August 6, 2003 7:55 PM CDT

No unexpected surprises today, which was a nice change. Jessica had a rough night for awhile with residual pain behind her knees, until we got a pain killer to help out. She had a great morning, she ate well, laughed, and had a chance to talk to Josh and Jazzmyn.

We received our antibody treatment around 2:00 and the day went downhill from there. She had 4 different rounds of hives, and the pain in her legs continued to grow. To help out with all of the hives and pain, they gave her plenty of medication which made her feel very doppy. After some time passed, I suggested that we get up and walk around, which seemed to help out her legs more than the medication. She appears to be coming out of it, and is now happily eating and watching a movie.

Our doctor from the clinic downstairs has once again suggested for her to get GM-CSF via a shot in the leg. We will start tonight and hope that all goes well without breaking out in a rash again.

Thankyou for continuing to check in on her and praying for her. We appreciate your prayers and support.

Tuesday, August 5, 2003 7:06 PM CDT

So much for today being a better day! The day started out okay, we got to the clinic and started our treatment, and then one of the nurse practitioners came in and informed us that Jessica has another line infection, and when our treatment in done that she would be admitted into the hospital as inpatient! Needless to say, that did not sit well with Jessica. She was very upset!! Then early afternoon, they decided that she should start getting an immune booster - which normally would be no big deal, but they wanted to give it to her in her leg as a shot instead of thru her line. As you guessed, this went over like a lead brick. I ended up having to give her the shot myself. An hour later, she broke out in a rash. They think it was from the immune booster being given via shot. Her treatment today went about the same way. She had 3 seperate rounds of hives, and alot of pain in her chest.

We are settled into our hospital room, now. We have to share with another patient - another issue that she is not used to having to deal with. If you would like to send her a get well card, send it to the Ronald House to room 901. I will be returning there daily and will pick them up for her. We are hoping that we will not be for very long. Their requirements for getting out is: no fevers (which we are not having), negative cultures (which we are having positive cultures for infection right now), and an infection fighting count of .5 (we are currently sitting at .1) . This seems to have no correlation to our prior infection. Our previous infection was gram negative rods, and this time it is gram positive rods.

Please pray for a speedy recovery and for her infection fighting counts to come up quickly so that she can fight this off. She can use all of the prayers and messages of encouragement that she can get. She is really bumming right now. I'm sure that tomorrow will be better!

Monday, August 4, 2003 4:22 PM CDT

Today turned out to be a very trying day for both of us. We woke up to pouring rain - which continued through the time that we were to leave for the hospital (7:45). Lucky for us, another parent gave us a ride. We sat in the waiting room for a couple of hours before seeing one of the nurse practitioners. We never did get to see the doctor today - I guess it was one of those crazy Mondays at the clinic! We sat longer until our nurse informed us that we had been put on the 2nd shift and would not receive our treatment until sometime in the afternoon, when a bed was available! However, we needed to stay there and wait since it was almost noon by then. About 1:30pm we were taken to our treatment room where we found out that pharmacy had not sent down all of our pre-medications. You guessed it, we waited some more! We completed our treatment and started back to the Ronald House at 4:00. Once again, it started to pour rain from the heavens! Wet and tired, we just wanted to lay down, but our key would not work in our door! Tomorrow has to be a better day!

Jessica had a hard time with the treatment today - NO hives, but she was still VERY itchy. She felt like she was going to crawl out of her skin. She still feels like that, but it is starting to slow down a little. She is finally up for playing some video games, so you know she is feeling a little better! We are going to try to sign up for a bus tour of NY for tomorrow night. I thought that might be interesting for both of us. We did fortunately get moved to the morning shift of treatments for tomorrow. That gives her time to rest up and feel better before the bus tour.

Please continue to hold Jessica in your prayers and pray for her tolerance as we continue with this antibody treatment. We really appreciate all of your support and messages.

Friday, August 1, 2003 5:44 PM CDT

Today has been a very interesting and long day! Jessica woke up this morning and it appears that the swelling has moved into her eye lids and eye. It appears to be very painful, and the swelling makes her sneeze, which makes everything hurt more. We met with an Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor today at Children's Hosp. and he suspected that by blowing her nose, Jessica has broken a very fine bone in the right side of her nose. It supposedly is paper-thin, and he figured that she broke it. However, he wanted a CT scan of her sinuses to make sure his diagnosis was correct. He was! We just have to wait for it to heal itself and in the mean time give Jessica medication for the pain. Our oncologist put us on antibiotic to make sure that she did not develop an infection in it, so all we can do is wait.

We are off to New York on Sunday, and the doctors out there had recently emailed our oncologist a change in our schedule that I do not agree with. Therefore, I'm sure we will be having a few discussions with him next Monday.

Please continue to keep Jessica in your prayers and pray for her nose to heal quickly. I will keep you all updated daily with reports of how Jessica is doing with the 3F8 and also with her nose. Thankyou all for your prayers and messages of encouragement for Jessica.

Thursday, July 31, 2003 10:40 PM CDT

Another week has flown by and I am behind at updating Jessica's page again! We finished our 3rd round of chemo on Sunday night - "YEAH"!!! Monday we went into the clinic and got pumped back up with blood. Jessica's hemoglobin was low and causing her headaches, and her platelets were low, causing many little bruises. It is always nice to get revitalized.
Unfortunately, on Wednesday, Jessica woke up to a swollen sinus that is causing her distress. Our wonderful oncologist, Dr. Bostrom has called a Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor to have him look at Jessica to make sure there is no infection going on. This will be tomorrow. I hope they give her something to get rid of it, because she has no infection fighting capability to fight it herself. I'm hoping to get a jump on this problem before we leave for New York on Sunday. I'm afraid that the take-off and landing may cause extra pressure on her sinus.
Other than that, my sister has been up the last couple of days, and Jessica has enjoyed playing some games with her.
Thankyou for your continued support and prayers for Jessica. She enjoys reading the messages of encouragement that you leave in her guestbook, and it makes her know that alot of people love and pray for her. We couldn't do it without all of your help and prayers. God bless you!

Wednesday, July 23, 2003 10:46 PM CDT

It has been a good couple of days. Jessica has been resting up from her infection here at home and the antibiotic seems to be doing its job. She is still very worn out and tired, but that is to be expected. The cultures that the nurses take continue to be negative for infection and that is good news!

We heard from Sloan Kettering Hosp. in New York today that Jessica is no longer HAMA positive. That means that she dropped the antibody that was helping her own immune system to fight the cancer. So, that means that we head back to NY for two weeks of 3F8 treatment again in August. My guess is that it will be 8/4 thru 8/15. We can only hope that it is those dates, since we would hate for it to interfere with our vacation starting on 8/17! We should know soon! When I told Jessica about being HAMA negative, she replied "Good". She knows the more treatments of 3F8 the better, and she has such a great attitude about it all. Sometimes I wonder if she remembers all of the hives and such that it causes her to endure each day. Hopefully not, and if she does - more power to her. She is a person that many of us could learn a few lessons on life from!

Thankyou for continuing to keep Jessica and our family in your prayers. We appreciate and love you all!

Sunday, July 20, 2003 5:23 PM CDT

Great News! Jessica has made it more than 24 hours without the bad chills and a fever spike. Yesterday's 105 degree temperature was scary, but we have not spiked a fever since then. Because of this, the doctor decided to let her out of the hospital today instead of tomorrow. She got home around 4:00 p.m.

The cultures that they took from her line did grow an infection from Friday morning. It grew something called "gram negative rods". This is a type of infection that can sometimes be handled with antibiotics, and it appears to be responding. No other cultures have grown since Friday, so they think they are using the correct antibiotics to combat it. We will be giving antibiotics here at home for the next 10 days to make sure it all gets taken care of. We are hoping that she will continue to improve.

We would like to once again thankyou for praying for Jessica's quick recovery and for keeping her in your prayers even when she is doing well.

Friday, July 18, 2003 12:06 AM CDT

We have hit a major pot-hole in the road!

In the middle of the night, Jessica spiked a fever of 102.4, and was shaking with chills. We talked to the oncologist on call, and she suggested we bring her into the emergency room. From there, they administered an antibiotic and admitted her. Her fever went back down until mid-morning when she spiked again. This time up to 104. They are checking her for a bacteria infection in her blood - possibly via her line. Or it could be an infection in the line itself. All we can do is wait and see what the cultures have to tell us. This can sometimes take days.

Please pray that the doctors will figure out what is wrong quickly and that Jessica's fevers will stay down. She was not a happy camper to find out that she had to go into the hospital last night. You know, "There's no place like home!"

Thanks for the prayers!

Wednesday, July 16, 2003 6:05 PM CDT

Here it is an entire week after Jessica's birthday and I have not updated her site yet. My how time flies when you are enjoying yourself.

Jessica had a fabulous time on her birthday. The weather did not hold out for us, so we went to plan B and visited an indoor water park instead. I believe a good time was had by all! She was totally exhausted by day's end, but it was a good type of exhaustion. On Thursday we set up her birthday present and surprised her. She had been wanting a trampoline for a couple of years now, so she was very excited to get one for her birthday.

We are on our 10th day of oral chemo and so far she is still feeling well. We will be having her counts checked next Monday, and we are also sending in a blood sample tomorrow to check to see if she continues to hold onto her anti-body. If not, we will be traveling to NY in early August. Hopefully we will know by next week Wednesday.

Thankyou to all that left birthday greetings for her in her guestbook. She really enjoys reading your messages. We also want to thank all of you that continue holding us in your prayers. We could not have gotten this far without all of your messages of encouragement and your prayers. We appreciate you all!

Wednesday, July 2, 2003 10:24 PM CDT

Praise God! We received Jessica's test results today, and they have all come back negative!! We want to thank all of you that continue to keep her in your prayers. You all help and are greatly appreciated.

We will continue on with our schedule of treatments, though. Starting July 7th, Jessica will be having her 3 week regiment of oral chemo again. If it helps this cancer to continue to stay away, we are up for doing whatever it takes. It was just a year ago today that Jessica had her surgery for her line placement in order to deliver chemotherapy IV. Boy, what a year it has been!!

One week from today (July 9th), we are planning on celebrating Jessica's 13th birthday! Yes, our sweet little girl is going to be a teenager! Make sure that you wish her Happy Birthday in her guestbook! She deserves a day beyond her wildest dreams to make up for all of the treatment that she has had to endure. She is planning on spending her birthday at a water park with some of her closest friends.

Thanks again to all of you who have been there for us during this trying time, and continue to keep Jessica in your prayers. Pray that this cancer stays away this time for good!

Thursday, June 26, 2003 10:33 PM CDT

Sorry, that I have been slacking at updating how Jessica has been doing. We just completed our first round of Accutane on Sunday. Accutane is usually used for people that have really bad acne, but it is also used for cancer patients. It causes cancer cells to age rapidly and die off. Too bad that Jessica is not a couple of years older, because it could be beneficial for both reasons. Instead, it is causing her skin to peel, and her lips to crack. She also has to be very careful to stay out of the sun. It causes sun sensitivity.

We returned last night from a quick trip to NY. We were scheduled for a round of tests to see how Jessica is progressing. They were very gruelling, and by the end of Tuesday Jessica was exhausted and sick. I think a good part of it had to do with not being able to eat or drink anything from midnight to almost 4:30 pm the next day. That is a long time for anyone! We have not heard any results from our tests except that Jessica is still HAMA POSITIVE!!! This means that she is still holding onto the antibody and she is fighting her cancer with her own body. We were informed that if she had lost it, we would be back in NY on Sunday night for two weeks of treatments again. Not especially where Jessica wanted to be for her birthday, so it was a good thing that she is still positive. Instead, we will be starting another round of oral chemo on July 7th. She is not looking forward to that either!!

When we get the results back from our tests, I will update this again. Hopefully we will hear either tomorrow or Monday. Until then, please continue to keep Jessica in your prayers and pray that we only receive good results!

Saturday, June 7, 2003 7:38 PM CDT

Hello from the Nielsen's!

This has been a busy week. Jessica has completed all of her studies for 7th grade and will be in eighth grade next year!

Jessica's counts have been very low this week, and we had a couple of blood transfusions this last Monday. That seemed to help, but we just have to wait for her white count to come up on its own. Jessica is still battling the sores in her mouth from the chemo, but they are finally starting to go down. Monday we start a two week session of Accutane. We are also scheduled to go to New York June 23 thru 25th. We are going out for a series of tests, and also to have Jessica's blood tested for HAMA again. After that, we are looking forward to a few weeks of NOTHING!! No pills, no tests, no chemo - Nothing - and her counts should be good enough that she can ride horse again, and she will have the energy to play! She is looking forward to being able to be together with her friends again, too!

Thanks for keeping up with Jessica's progress!

Love,
The Nielsen family

Wednesday, May 28, 2003 10:17 PM CDT

It has been a very happening day at our house today! We heard from New York the results of her blood test today, and Jessica is still HAMA positive! We were a bit surprised, but I'm sure they see this at times. Instead of going to NY on June 8th, and starting 3F8 on the 9th, we will be starting Accutane here at home instead. This is an acne medicine that is used on cancer patients to make any active cancer cells age rapidly and die off. So we on a different path for now. We haven't heard yet, but it sounds like we will continue to send blood samples every once in awhile to check to see if she is holding onto the antibody. They also want us to come out to NY the end of June and have a series of scans and tests out there. Their equipment is much more high tech than we have here in Mpls.

Jessica is still taking oral chemo right now, and as of tomorrow, we only have 4 days left. We are counting them down!! She had a doctors appt today, and her counts have once again taken a dive. She is pretty worn out and tired alot of the time. We had been riding horse in this beautiful weather, but now the doctors tell us that her platelets are too low, so that puts an end to our riding until they start back up again. At least we had a great time while we could! We also had an MRI today, and the doctor seemed pretty happy about the results. He said that he could still see tumor showing up, but was pretty sure that it is mature and inactive. We can only pray for now that it is. Our tests in NY will hopefully confirm his opinion.

Even though Jessica is not in school, she is still counting the days until Summer vacation! She is finishing up on the work she has here, and is looking forward to playing with Jazzmyn more.

Thankyou for continuing to keep Jessica in your prayers. We are very thankful for all of you!

Tuesday, May 20, 2003 7:43 AM CDT

Good Morning! I would like to thank everyone that attended the skateville benefit and also those of you that could not make it, but donated anyway. Thankyou Katie, for setting this whole benefit up, and organizing everything! We really appreciate all of your hard work, and your friendship. We all had a great time, especially Jessica. She skated for most of the time, and I am happy to say that she did not fall down once.

We heard from New York last week that Jessica has already developed the antibody from their treatment out there. This is something that they want, they just would rather it happen after 4 to 5 treatment sessions instead of just 2. An early development of what they call a HAMA is usually lost, and then we will continue on with our normal schedule. They will not treat her with anymore antibodies until she looses this HAMA. Therefore, we are sending another sample of blood out this week in order for it to be tested for the HAMA again. If you would like to read more about this, check out the website link to MSKCC below this journal. It talks all about HAMA's.

In the meantime, Jessica started taking her oral chemo last Monday, so we are more than a week into that already. We had a check-up yesterday with our doctor here, and her counts are wonderful! That is always good to hear. She is feeling well, and trying to get lots of her school work done, since there is little time left of the school year.

Thankyou all again for your continued support, prayers, and messages of encouragement!

Monday, May 12, 2003 7:49 AM CDT

Good Morning! Last week was a very busy week for Jessica. Grandma came and visited us for a week, so the two of them tried their hand at making strudel muffins from scratch, strawberry pie, and they also worked at sewing some new scarfs for Jessica to wear.

Jessica also went to a school field trip on Thursday. She was at school from 9:00 until 2:30. After that she tried to work with her tutor, but was too tired to accomplish very much. It was very good for her, and she had alot of fun being with some of her friends again. Friday she attended math class at school again. It has been exciting for her to attend this little bit of school these last two weeks.

Today we start oral chemo, 3 times daily. No one is looking forward to it, but if it helps, that is the most important!

We are all looking forward to the Skateville Benefit on Saturday from 4:15 to 6:30, and hope to see lots of you there. Jessica is so excited to be able to go skating with friends!

Thanks to all of you that continue to support us, and Jessica. Chelsea, I would like to especially thank you! Your messages to Jessica on her web page, and emails keep her encouraged and thinking of better days to come. Thanks Chelsea!

Monday, May 5, 2003 7:42 PM CDT

Sorry that I have gotten behind on updating Jessica's page. Our internet service has not been working for the last week.

We had a great trip back, and made it home in record time from New York. Last week, Jessica was able to make it to math class at school for two days, and on one of the days was able to have lunch with some of her friends.

Unfortunately she has now caught a cold, and is suffering through the hastles of that, but should soon be on the mends and back on her feet. Hopefully she will be able to make it to math a couple of times this week before we start chemo on next Monday.

Just to give everyone a heads up, there is a fundraiser being held for Jessica at Skateville on Saturday, May 17. It starts at 4:15 p.m. and goes to 6:30 p.m. Jessica is really looking forward to seeing alot of you there, so come and join the fun!

Thankyou for all of the journals of encouragement while we were gone. They are always appreciated and brighten Jessica's days.

Thursday, April 24, 2003 1:58 PM CDT

One day to go and will be heading towards home! We can hardly wait. Today went very well, just a little tightness on one side of her chest. The clinic seemed to be short staffed today, so things went a bit slower. The most important thing is that all is well.

Jessica and I ran into Tony on our way back to the House. He came out today to help us back tomorrow with all of the bags and stuff. It was perfect timing. We were planning on going to the zoo today, but it is very windy and cold. Not as nice as it was suppose to be, so we decided it would have to wait until next time. Also, Jessica seems to have a small stomach ache. Seems as if something she ate is not agreeing with her. So it is a laid back day today. We will work on packing and cleaning the room so there is less to do tomorrow before we leave.

We are looking forward to seeing many of you when we get back home. Thank you for keeping Jessica in your prayers, and encouraging her through this treatment and time away from home.

Wednesday, April 23, 2003 3:37 PM CDT

Today was a GREAT day!!! From the start of her treatment to the finish, it only took 55 minutes. No reactions, no tight chest, no hives, no nothing! It was wonderful. Jessica now holds the clinic record for the shortest treatment ever! If this keeps up, we could possibly catch the 1:30 flight out of here on Friday. That would be great! Jessica was saying again today that she can't wait to get home!

Another cold and windy day today. Not a nice day to be outside. It is what would be classified as a winter coat day. Tomorrow is suppose to be nicer, so we may venture off to the zoo tomorrow, and catch the carousel in Central Park, too. We made our own pizza's in the House last night from scratch. You worked your own dough, put on your own sauce, and your own toppings, and then baked it. Can't get much fresher than that! Tonight is Chinese night. You certainly get a variety of food here!

Thanks to everyone that have been keeping Jessica in prayers and leaving her messages of encouragement! She really appreciates them, and it brightens up her days!

Tuesday, April 22, 2003 1:24 PM CDT

Before I forget to let you all know, check out the new picture of Jessica in her picture album.

Today was another good day. NO hives, and everything seemed to go smoothly. I wish all of the days were like that. Three days left, and we can hardly wait to get back home. Jessica is really missing Josh and Jazzmyn. I think it is harder being gone over a holiday. We are having a quiet day today. It is raining, and we have decided to work on schoolwork instead of checking out any sites. Rainy days are always good for homework. We are taking a break right now, and Jessica is glued to the Tetris video game (as always). It is always fun to try your hand at all of the various video games here. It makes for a nice diversion.

Tonight they are going to have some sort of 'Pizza Pie Making' activity. We are not quite sure what it involves, but will check it out. Pizza is always worth it!

I will try to update again tomorrow. Take care and hopefully we will see most of you again soon!

Monday, April 21, 2003 3:55 PM CDT

I hope everyone had a Joyous Easter celebration and had a good time spending it with your families! We spent most of our day eating! There was so much food that was brought into the House, and it was all so good. We are very thankful for that. We were able to attend a small service that was held in the chapel here at the House. There were also more Easter egg hunts, basket give-aways, etc ... Jessica had quite an eventful day, and was tired by the time evening rolled around. Jessica and I were able to see her on the local news on Friday night, about 3 different shots of her. On Saturday, Tony, Jessica and I ventured back to Central Park to show Tony all of the sites that Jessica and I had earlier checked out. We had a nice day, and for the most part it was warm and enjoyable.
Today went reasonably well. We were done with our treatment in less than 2 hours. No hives, and not alot of discomfort. I wish every day could go as smoothly as today went. We can only hope! Four more days left, and then we are catching the first available flight back home that we can get.
Jessica received 4 cards and 1 package in the mail today! Her eyes lit up and she was so excited!!! Thankyou to all that sent! It was greatly appreciated.
We are laying low today and working on school work. Jessica is not to happy about it, but I keep telling her that we slacked off all weekend, including most of Friday. It helps when we break it up in small spurts.

I'll write more tomorrow. Thankyou for continuing to keep us in your prayers.

Friday, April 18, 2003 4:37 PM CDT

We are looking forward to the weekend. Being able to sleep in! Today marked the half way mark for treatments. We received good news from Dr. Kushner today --- He said that he has decided that we do NOT have to have any tests or bone marrow biopsies before we return home this time! We were very pleased!! Jessica had a hard day today as far as treatment goes! Her whole upper body, her neck, and spots of her face were filled with hives. She meditated her way through it, though. She is one tough cookie!! She even had a hive under her tongue today. She did not appreciate that, but we decided to freeze it off. We stuck an ice cube under there to numb it. We returned to the house early, and joined the TV celebrity Peter Boyle (from 'Everybody Loves Raymond') and base ball great (supposedly) Dave Cone from the NY Mets for coloring eggs. Jessica got coaxed into a chair next to Peter Boyle, and was almost blinded by all of the News crews, and newspaper photographers. I'm sure that she will be on one of the News stations tonight, we are just not sure which one. They then had an Easter egg hunt, and the Easter bunny gave out Easter baskets full of candy, too. I think she enjoyed that the most! All things considering, she is doing very well. It helps her to cope with the thought of not being home for Easter. The other day during treatment, she said that she wished she was home with Josh and Jazzmyn. She really misses them - and I'm sure they miss her too!

I will probably not update this again until Monday, so we will wish you a "Happy Easter" now. We love you all, and appreciate your help and prayers!

Thursday, April 17, 2003 5:43 PM CDT

Another day of treatment is done! Yeah!! One more day and Jessica will get a couple of days break. Out of all of the days of this session, today was probably the worst. The hives were back, but Jessica did great! She is having some residual pain in her feet and knees, but it doesn't seem to be bothering her too much.

Tuesday and Wednesday we ventured off to Central Park to enjoy the sites and the weather. It was beautiful there. So many different varieties of blooming bushes and daffodills. There were many people using the horse-drawn carriages yesterday, too. The carriages are very decorative, but the horses are nothing to brag about! We also explored Belvediere's Castle (It is not very big). You can see so far from the top of the castle. It was 87 degrees here yesterday, and it almost felt hot. I'm not complaining, though! It beats snow anyday! Today it is 45 and raining off and on. We had just made it to the hospital today before a downburst of rain started. We were happy to see that it had subsided when we were ready to head back to the House.

I will try to update this site again tomorrow. Thankyou for keeping Jessica in your thoughts and prayers. She is having a hard time knowing that she will be missing Easter with the rest of the family. We are very thankful for all of our friends and family that are leaving Jessica messages of encouragement.

Tuesday, April 15, 2003 2:03 PM CDT

It is a beautiful day here today, and we are about to venture off to Central Park to see what we can see. The area is very different in comparion to our last visit. The trees are blooming, and there are flowers blooming. It is approx. 75 degrees right now. Yesterday and today went fairly well for Jessica. Today better than yesterday. Just a few hives, and the usual tightness in her chest. The doctor has not decided yet if we need to do tests before we go home. I told him today that it would be fine with us if we did NOT. Yesterday was an interesting day here. A group from Aveda was parked outside the House giving free haircuts, massages, etc ... Tony got his haircut, which he was in need of. The person that did his hair said he used to cut Diane Sawyer's hair. They were going to be on 'Good Morning America' today. We also met a person that volunteers here at the house. She has the cutest Yorkshire Terrior, and let Jessica hold and play with him for awhile. She then took us to her N.Y. apartment and took Jessica and Uno's (the dog) picture together. I will probably try to scan it in the next couple of days and put it on the site. It is much too nice to spend time doing that today. I wanted to post our address on the site in case anyone wants to send Jessica a letter on encouragement, an Easter card, or whatever. It will be below the journal, but I will also include it in this journal update. The address is:

The Ronald McDonald House
405 East 73rd Street
Room 305 - Jessica Nielsen
New York, NY 10021

Thank you for continuing to keep Jessica in your prayers. We really appreciate your continued support!

Tuesday, April 8, 2003 7:42 PM CDT

Good Evening everyone. I have been slacking on updating Jessica's page here in the last week. Sorry!

Jessica completed radiation last Wednesday, and her counts are already starting back up quickly. She seems to be feeling fine, and was able to play with a couple of her friends this weekend. It is nice to see her get a chance to have some social time again.

Unfortunately, the oral chemotherapy has taken a toll on her hair once more. For the last week, we have been battling the problem of hair everywhere. It was a very discouraging time for Jessica, but I believe she has adjusted back to her old self and is now taking it all in stride. She was just starting to get such a thick head of hair, that she hated to loose it. We bought some new bandanas and she looks very cute in them.

We are leaving for New York again this Sunday, so make sure you all keep up on Jessica's progress and leave her messages. She really loves them.

God Bless you all!

Tuesday, March 25, 2003 11:28 PM CST

Hello all! I am finally getting around to updating you on Jessica. We have been quite busy, especially since the boys (Tony and Josh) are out on a snowmobiling adventure of their own until Thursday evening. Therefore, we have been having GIRLS WEEK!!! And I must say, enjoying it very much!! We have been riding horse, watching movies, playing, and eating alot of ice cream!

Monday, we discontinued Jessica's chemo (which was another reason for celebration - Jessica hates the taste of that stuff). Jessica's platelets are dropping quickly, and we need to do everything that we can in order to be able to complete radiation. After tomorrow, we will have completed 3 out of the 4 weeks of radiation that we are suppose to have. Jessica is feeling good, and is happy to have some time to play with Jazzmyn. She is also happy that she is beginning to get caught back up with her school work. It is Spring Break for our schools, but Jessica is continuing to do school work with her tutor through the break. We found out that our set date to return to New York is April 13th, with treatment starting again on the 14th. Until then, we will be continuing to enjoy all our time at home.

Thankyou for continuing to keep Jessica in your thoughts and prayers. We love you all!

Wednesday, March 12, 2003 7:33 PM CST

We have completed our first week of radiation, and three more to go. We are counting them down, along with the chemo doses. Jessica does not appreciate the taste of the chemo, so this morning she was figuring out how many more times she would have to taste that horrible taste before she gets done with this round.
We also had a doctors appointment today, and so far our counts are doing well. Jessica is feeling well, and pretty spunky! Today she hid from Jazzmyn where they hang up their coats, and then popped out and said "BOO". Jazzmyn shuttered and dropped in fright to the floor! We all had a good laugh out of it, including Jazzmyn!
We had a great party on Saturday night, and had an evening of laughter, food, and games. It was just what she needed, and the rest of us, too.

Thanks for continuing to check on her updates, and for continuing to pray for Jessica.

Saturday, March 8, 2003 7:52 AM CST

Good morning! It has been quite a week, and we are ready for some rest and relaxation! We started radiation on Thursday and go Monday thru Friday for the next four weeks. We also started low doses of oral chemo on Friday. Our doctor from New York called Thursday night and asked us to start the chemo, since he saw no reason to wait! We were originally told to start 3/17. It is comforting to know that even though we are not in New York right in front of our doctors face, that he is still studying Jessica's case, and making decisions for what is best for her.

Thursday was a fun day for Jessica. She was able to stop in at the school and see a couple of her friends and her dean. That was a real treat! We were hoping to see more of her friends on Friday, but an assembly for seventh grade got in the way. So, Jessica and I went and had a piece of fresh strawberry pie at Bakers Square instead!

We are planning on a small celebration dinner tonight at our house with a few of our friends. This is to celebrate the good news that we received earlier this week! Jessica is looking forward to it, and deserves to have some fun after all of the hard work that she has done!!

Thankyou for all of the prayers.

Wednesday, March 5, 2003 10:50 PM CST

Good News! We received a call from our doctor in New York last night, and he said that Jessica's bone marrow biopsies that were taken on Feb. 28th were clean and that the MIBG scan was (almost) normal! Praise God! This is definately a giant step in the right direction!

Today we met with the radiation oncologist here in Minneapolis, and starting tomorrow, we are scheduled to have four weeks of radiation. This was more than what we had expected, but they want to get it all! They know what they are doing. Also starting March 17th, we will be taking 3 weeks of oral chemo. Both of these will factor into her counts dropping again, so we are planning on enjoying ourselves right now while she is feeling spunky! Because of the time slot we were scheduled into for radiation, it has put a damper on lunch at school with her friends. However, we are going to trying to get there during study hall time. As long as she gets a chance to see her friends, that is what is important!

We appreciate all the love, prayers, and messages that you have sent our way. We love you all!

Tuesday, March 4, 2003 11:47 AM CST

Hi Everyone! This is Jessica and YES, I am finally back home and enjoying every minute of it. Also, my Grandma made a whole bunch of goodies while she was here with Josh and Jazzmyn, so I am also enjoying snacking on all those good cookies, home-made bread, and sweet breads. I will be able to be at home now for 6 weeks and don't have to return to New York until around April 15th. During this time at home, I will be having radiation, and oral chemo. I hope this does not slow me down too much. I have a ton of schoolwork to catch up on!

Home sweet home! If you have a minute and would like to talk, give me a call!

Love,
Jessica

Friday, February 28, 2003 4:57 PM CST

We have finally completed out first round of 3F8 antibody treatments and we are SO READY to come home!!!!! Jessica did great today. She had lots of hives, three rounds of hives at different times and different places on her body. We also had our bone marrow biopsy, and seems to be moving slowly, but okay. She says that the spots do not hurt as badly as the ones 3 weeks ago. That is always good! We also got a chance to talk to the technician that is doing our MIBG scan tomorrow and he said that we could come for our scan 1 hour early. That will help us be able to make it onto the 1:30 flight out of here tomorrow.

HOME SWEET HOME, HERE WE COME!!!!!!!

Thankyou all for your love, concern, and prayers. We are looking forward to seeing you all.

Thursday, February 27, 2003 4:17 PM CST

One day of treatments left, and this will probably prove to be the worst of all of the days, considering Jessica is scheduled to have a bone marrow biopsy right after her 3F8 treatment. Today was another day of hives by the dozens. We are thankful for the days earlier this week that gave her break from the pain and itching. We are hoping that tomorrow will be a light day considering the other ordeal that she has to endure. The nurses and doctors have commented on how strong Jessica seems to be to handle the treatment as well as she has, and the symptoms that go along with it. We are very proud of her. She is looking forward to going home on Saturday after her scan. She is going stir crazy being shut up in her room. They have quarantine here at the House until March 8th. We are happy we will be out of here long before then. Please keep her in your prayers tonight and tomorrow. She is going to be in need of lots of them. Thankyou for all of the prayers and support.

Wednesday, February 26, 2003 3:13 PM CST

Two days left! Today was a much harder day than the others this week. The hives first arrived on her face, and once they started to subside, they quickly moved to her waistline and all over her legs. That seemed to bother her more than the ones on her face. She also had pain in her chest, shoulders, and knees. Once everything started to slowly fade away, Jessica was ready to go back to the House and rest. She is having a little snack now, and then we are heading down the block to finish her art project. I think that we will be able to complete it today. There was quite a buzz around the clinic today about the chicken pox problem, and the doctors and nurses where assessing who had been in contact with the child that had contracted the pox. They were giving those that needed it extra vaccinations hoping to ward them off from contracting the virus as well. The nurses were telling us that they know who is immune to the virus and who is not, and since they didn't come and talk to us, we are assuming that Jessica is still immune to it. Thank goodness!
We have our bone marrow biopsy scheduled for Friday, and our MIBG scan scheduled for 9:30am on Saturday morning. We hope to be able to catch the 1:30 flight back home, if possible.
We can't wait to return and see all of our friends and family! Until then, thanks for keeping us in your prayers.

Tuesday, February 25, 2003 3:15 PM CST

Three days left to go for treatment! Boy, we can hardly wait to be done with this round! We had another fairly good day. Only 3 to 4 hives. They seemed to show up a couple of hours after the treatment today, but nothing that Jessica wasn't able to handle. We will be heading down to the Pottery shop again (like yesterday) to complete the project that Jessica started. It helps pass the time, and she is having alot of fun doing it. We were all ready for our favorite restaurant to bring in food tonight, and then found out that everything is cancelled! There has been a chicken pox exposure at the House, and everything is closed down and cancelled until further notice! Patients are suppose to stay in their rooms! What a bummer! It was suppose to be rodeo night tonight! Right up our alley, huh! Oh well! Hopefully the quaranteen will be lifted soon! Until tomorrow ... thanks for keeping up with Jessica's progress!

Monday, February 24, 2003 2:33 PM CST

Hello from New York again! We had a fairly uneventful weekend. Saturday it rained close to 3 inches, and we attended the Matisse and Picasso art exhibit at the Museum of Modern Art in Queens. It was interesting, and we all leaned towards enjoying Matiesse's art much more than Picasso's. We wonder what kinds of drugs Picasso must have been on! Sunday it also rained, so by mid-afternoon, we decided to go down the block to the "Little House of Pottery". They have all sorts of craft things there that you can buy and work on. Everything from Ceramic, Pottery, wood painting and much more. Jessica picked out a piece and spent a couple of hours working on it. Today we will return to finish it. Today at the hospital, we had a pretty good day! Only one hive, and some tightness if her chest, but overall it has been the best day yet! I think that Jessica would like all days to go as well as today went. All residual pain subsided over the weekend, so that was a plus, also. We are doing pretty good, and are waiting to hear when our final tests will be scheduled, so we can get back home to all of our family and friends! We are counting down the last days of treatments. 4 days left to go! Thankyou all for keeping Jessica in your thoughts and prayers, and to all of you that are helping us and our other two children back in Minnesota!

Friday, February 21, 2003 4:06 PM CST

It was a good day, today. No hives until we got back to the room, and even then, it was very few. We are done for the week, and have been given tickets to a fancy art exhibit for tomorrow morning. It will have Picasso art, and probably much more. If it is nice on Sunday, we will try to go and see Ground Zero and the Empire State Building. Jessica is still having residual pain in the backs of her knees, the bottom of her feet, and now some in her wrists and elbows. We hope that this will tame down some this weekend, and she can enjoy her time off from treatment. We hopefully have gotten her MIBG scan and bone marrow biopsy moved to next Friday and Saturday. They want to see if the treatment has made any difference after the first round.
We are very thankful for all of you checking in on Jessica and keeping her in your prayers. She enjoys reading your messages on a daily basis, and the funny messages make her smile. Keep them coming, it is probably the best medicine that she is getting right now.

Thursday, February 20, 2003 1:39 PM CST

Greetings from New York! We have completed another day of treatment, and another day of hives. Today they decided to attack more of her head. She had them on her eye lids, her scalp, cheeks, in her ears, and it sounded like more in her throat. She did very well with them for the most part. They started disappearing, but then surfaced on her arms secondly. By around 1:00pm everything seemed to calm down, and we headed back to the house. Once we got to our room, some started to surface on her legs. This caused a slight panic for Jessica, since the itching was extreme, but she soon calmed down with a dose of cartoons! Thank goodness for the cartoon network for distraction. We talked to the doctor today, and he informed us that he had neglected to tell us that he wants to re-do some tests after her treatment of antibodies. He was talking about a bone marrow biopsy on Tuesday, and MIBG scan on Wednesday (March 4 & 5th). We are trying to get them scheduled for Friday (28th) and Saturday (3/1) instead. We would rather get home! We'll have to see how that goes. Thankyou for all of the messages of encouragement, we all enjoy reading them!

Wednesday, February 19, 2003 12:42 AM CST

Greetings family and friends! We had a quick day of treatment today. We were at the clinic by 8:00am, and back to our room at the House by 1:00 . Treatment went okay today, she still developed hives, but not as badly. Yesterday, Jessica described the hives as feeling as if she was being stung by 1,000 bees. Today, she once again developed hives, but they did not sting as badly. She did have some residual pain in the backs of her knees last night, and the bottom of her feet, but that is not unusual I hear. The doctors gave us pain medication to give her on Monday in case she were to develop residual pain, so we were prepared. It seemed to do the trick, and she rested well last night. Our doctor said that it appears as if she is taking the treatments well without alot of complications. Alot of the time, the symptoms are worse for older children (anyone over the age of 5). Thankfully that has not yet held true for us. We continue to thank all of you for signing her guestbook, and for praying for her. We can feel your support with us daily, and thank God for all of you!

Tuesday, February 18, 2003 4:25 PM CST

Hi again everyone,
Today went along quite a bit like yesterday for Jessica. Yesterday we started the antibody treatment at about 1PM and today about 9AM. She had some stronger pain today than yesterday, the nurses are very quick to help us with the pain killers so she is not hurting very much(for long).Today, the hives were a problem(thanks for Benydril). She can have 3 to 4 doses a day. They like to save the last dose for us when we go back to the house in case she gets some back there. She also had a little tummy ache today, and the Zofran helped. Other than helping Jessica with the pain, the hardest part our day is getting the wheelchair thru the street corners because there is an abundance of the white stuff everywhere. She is able to walk but is tired at times.
The doctor had some good news for us in the fact that 3 out of 4 of the bone marrow spots were clean. There is still some disease left in her right hip bone and will get radiation for that. Her urine and blood work ups also were at acceptable levels. We will be back by the 29th of Feburary and will start radiation shortly after that.
Also, on a slightly more lighter note(not to her), on Monday when she found out that she absolutely had to have her finger pricked for a CBC blood check, the normally quiet and meek little Jessica decided that she was NOOOOOT going to have this done.... and stormed to the other side of the room and sat on the bed. With some loving persuation from Mom, we did get the job done that day. I think that was the worst for her.
We will updated again tomorrow, Tony

Monday, February 17, 2003 7:33 PM CST

Good Evening! It has been a Very Long Day for us. We arrived at the clinic at 8:00 and left at 5:30 pm . For the most part, everything went pretty good. During the treatment, Jessica developed a couple of hives, she had a slight stomach ache, and tightness of her chest (which we were able to use oxygen to relieve). Everything seemed to be going okay, we even made it thru the 19 inches of snow back to the R.McDonald House. However, after returning to our room, Jessica became sick to her stomach. Hopefully with the meds that we gave her, that will pass, too. Things were moving pretty slowly in New York today, and Tony helped out a few bewildered drivers that were stuck in the street. They just do not know how to drive in this snow! There are cars here, and look like huge snowbanks. They do because you cannot see the cars underneath. You just know that there are cars there. Where we are, they say we received approx. 19 inches of snow. I believe it! We will let you know how tomorrow goes. Thankyou for your messages of encouragement to Jessica, and praying for her.

Friday, February 14, 2003 4:45 PM CST

We are off once again to the big apple (New York). We heard from the doctor on Thursday (right after we had unpacked), and he said that we could start treatment on Monday. Dr. Kushner said that we will be following the treatment plan that included oral chemotherapy while we are at home. The plan is 2 weeks of antibody treatment in New York, one week rest, and 3 weeks of oral chemotherapy. Then back for 2 weeks of antibody treatment, and so on. He hopes to give her 4 seperate (2 week) treatments in all, at least. It depends on how quickly her body develops the antibody. They want her to develop it, but not until after the 4th treatment. Dr. Kushner says that they have better results with the kids that develop it later. Once we get back home, we will also be receiving regular radiation to her right hip. This is to kill off what is left of the tumor.

Last of all, the last of the test results have come in. THe bone marrow is clean, but the bone biopsy in the right front showed some neuroblastoma cells. Thus, this justifies the radiation treatment that she will have to this region. One of the two urine tests came back thus far, and it has tested negative.

That's all for now. Please keep us all in your thoughts and prayers. Jessica really appreciates all of your messages in her guest book. Keep them coming, and boost her spirits. I will keep this updated as often as possible while we are out in New York for treatment.

Tueday, February 11, 2003 10:21 PM CST

We made it back today! It was good to be back home, and know exactly where you were going! When we left New York, they were whining about how cold it was this morning (20 F), and I couldn't resist telling them that 20 degrees is our normal high for this time of year.
We received email from Dr. Kuschner from New York, and he gave us the great news that Jessica's platelet level was up to 31,000! That is great considering where we have been, and only means that we should be heading upwards from here. I'll let you know more as we get the news from New York. He said that he was still waiting on our bone marrow results.

Monday, February 10, 2003 3:09 PM CST

Good afternoon from snowy New York. We have just returned to the R. McDonald house from being at the hospital 4 1/2 hours. This was only for a doctors appt, and labs! Yikes, it was a zoo there today! We received some of our results today. Jessica's heart echo was fine. Her bone scan was clean, cat scan was clean, and according to Dr. Kushner, he was pleased with Jessica's MIBG scan. It still shows the original spot, but he suggests getting radiation to that area. We are still waiting for the bone marrow biopsies and the VMA/HMA (urine test that is a flag for Neuroblastoma - which Jessica has always tested negative for). Depending on what these tests tell him, depends on the path of treatment. He has not decided on which treatment will be the best for her until the rest of the results come back. She is either going on the treatment that we had planned on, or she may be taking VP-16 (chemotherapy) along with the 3F8 treatment (which I believe is way he appears to be leaning). This will be taken orally while we are at home. He is sending us home for now, and will call with the results and his decision. As to when we will return is anyone's guess at this time. We will keep you all informed as we hear.

Sunday, February 9, 2003 4:21 PM CST

We finally made it into the Ronald McDonald's computer room before it closed! Sorry that there has been no updates until now. We have had an interesting last couple of days. We arrived at the hospital on Thursday, had an appt. with one of Dr. Kushner's associates, had a heart echo, which was not on the original schedule. We also had a bone scan, and labs drawn. That was a very tiring day. Alot of hurry up and wait! Friday was probably the worst for Jessica. We had to have labs done via a finger prick, which she protested. She quickly tucked her hands in her arm pits, and would not let us have any fingers! The nurse was very tricky however, and told her that she would only show her what would happen. Instead she pricked Jessica's finger! Well, that did not go over well! When we were escorted into see the nurse practioner, she wouldn't even talk to her. She put her back towards all of us. Then it was off to get a transfusion of platelets, and then in to have the bone marrow biopsies. Four seperate spots the biopsied from. Not only did they take bone marrow, they also take samples from the bone itself. Two spots in the back, and two spots in the front! Needless to say, Jessica was and is still very sore. It was a very uncomfortable night! After that we went and got our injection for our MIBG scan on Saturday. That injection also did not sit well. If pushed in too quickly, it gives her a headache rush. On Saturday we went in for our scan, which seemed to look a little better than our last one. Today we headed off with another family to see the Statue of Liberty. She was absolutely beautiful. I didn't imagine that she would be that large. It was very cold, though. Therefore we did not venture out on Ellis Island. Plus Jessica was getting really tired. Tomorrow we meet with Dr. Kushner and hopefully get a few results, and some information. It seems to take longer to get results here than it does at home. We appreciate you all keeping Jessica in your prayers, and for your continued support. I will try to update tomorrow with results!

Sunday, February 9, 2003 4:21 PM CST

Tueday, February 4, 2003 11:20 PM CST

Just a quick update before we head out to New York tomorrow. Yes, you read correctly, we are leaving tomorrow (Wednesday). We were in for an office visit today, our platelets are only at 14,000, but we are sure that they will continue to rise. Jessica is feeling anxious about our trip to New York, and has been having problems with being short of breath because of it. We figured the sooner we get her out to New York to meet the people and doctors, the faster her anxieties would go away. I also want to make note that I have FINALLY added pictures to Jessica's web site. Please check them out! Also on this page with the journal entries is a link to Sloan-Kettering's web page with information on the treatment that Jessica will be receiving. I believe it is to the left of this journal entry. It starts out as mskcc... If you are interested in reading about Jessica's next treatment, check out this connection. It is very interesting. Thankyou for continuing to keep Jessica in prayer. As we are in New York, I will hopefully find a place to keep this site up to date on a regular basis.

Monday, February 3, 2003 9:53 AM CST

On our last visit, we received news that Jessica's platelets were on the upswing. Slow but sure. We were sitting at 15,000, which surely beats 1,000 or 2,000. We did unfortunately have to go into the short stay unit in the hospital on Thursday night to get a transfusion of red blood. This was to boost her hemoglobin, which was sitting at 4.4 (This is VERY LOW). Normal for us is 12 to 15. Other than that, she has not received any blood since Thursday. What a change of pace, since we were getting platelets transfused on a daily basis for two weeks. It is a nice change. Overall she has been feeling pretty good, except for this last weekend. I think the anxiety of going to New York for our next treatment is starting to kick in, and the unknown always scares her! As soon as I know when we are going, I will post it on this page. We could be leaving as early as tomorrow (Tuesday). Please continue to keep Jessica in your prayers as we plan for our next treatment.

Tuesday, January 28, 2003 at 08:22 AM (CST)

We had good new yesterday! Jessica's ANC (infection fighting capability) has sky-rocketed! We have jumped up from 322 on Friday to 2,421 on Monday. That is huge! Way to go, Jessica and her stem cells! We are still battling with her other counts, but hope that they will soon follow suit. She is still struggling with her platelet level. Yesterday she was sitting at 3,000, after having gotten platelets every day over the weekend. We received more yesterday, and will also be transfused at home today thru Thursday. Friday we are back to the office for a recheck. Jessica is in good spirits and happy that she can once again see some of her friends now that it is not as big of a risk to be around them. She is also eating us out of house and home. This weekend, she just nibbled continually from one meal to the next.
We will soon be scheduling our visit to New York for her next treatment. According to our Doctor, we should leave sometime around February 9th. As that next visit gets scheduled, I will post it on this web site. I will also let you know how her platelet progress is going as we check her counts.

Thursday, January 23, 2003 at 09:04 AM (CST)

Good Morning! Late yesterday we received Jessica's counts for the day, and finally signs that her stem cells are starting to kick in. Her white count, hemoglobin, and ANC all went up!!! We were all very excited, and the kids were busy giving high fives! However, her platelet level continues to scrap the bottom of the barrel. She was once again sitting at 1,000 yesterday. Home health care is coming out and giving Jessica her platelets transfusions at home. At least they did Wednesday and will again today. Friday we head back into the doctors office, and probably down to short stay for our platelet transfusion. We will reasses with the doctor then, as to what the plan will be over the weekend. Jessica's mouth sores have cleared up, but continues to have a bloody nose a couple of times a day. Her urine is also clear, and we are thankful for that. She is feeling pretty good for the most part, but doesn't have alot of energy. THat too will come.

Please continue to pray for her speedy recovery, and I will try to keep her web page updated every couple of days.

Monday, January 20, 2003 at 04:34 PM (CST)

What can I say! Friday brought another day of frustration and anxiety for Jessica. She woke up and was surprised to find blood in her urine. By the time we got our lab results and were confirmed that we would have to go into the hospital for a transfusion of platelets, her urine contained blood clots. These are not confortable things to pass. Our doctor met us in the short stay unit, ordered up an ultrasound of her bladder, and decided by the clots that they saw in there that she should be admitted into the hospital once again. Jessica was not a happy camper!! That night we slept in our clothes, since we had not come prepared to be admitted. We survived just fine though, and Tony brought up new clothes on Saturday when he got off of work. Thank goodness my Mom was up to help out. She was able to take care of Josh and Jazzmyn. As time went on Friday night, she passed the blood clots, and her urine once again looked like it should. We are thankful for Transfusions. Jessica was able to come home today, and is happy to be back with her brother and sister. We are to go into the doctors office tomorrow morning, and probably will get another transfusion of platelets tomorrow. We have been getting them on a daily basis, and yesterday we actually had two transfusions. One in the morning and one in the evening. It really seemed to help out with all of her mouth sores.
Please continue to pray for Jessica's blood counts to rebound quickly.

Friday, January 17, 2003 at 07:42 AM (CST)

Good Morning! Sorry, I have not had the time to update this page earlier. Jessica was released from the hospital on late Sunday afternoon, and enjoyed a restful night's sleep in her own bed. Monday morning we were back at the hospital by 9:15 to check her counts and give Jessica her stem cells back that they had harvested in August. These stem cells split and create white blood cells, red blood cells and platelets. All which is needed to survive. This was needed since the MIBG radiation seemed to have knocked out her bone marrow. While the stem cells were being transfused back into her, Jessica had a few reactions to the preservative that the blood bank has to put in with the stem cells to keep them good. This was despite all of the medication that they gave her prior, to help ward off any problems. This preservative also can cause your heart rate and blood pressure to drop. Jessica's heart rate dropped, but her blood pressure stayed steady. The whole transfusion takes 1 hour tops, but she must be monitored for at least 6 to 24 hours afterwards. During this time, she also received a unit of platelets. She had gotten one the afternoon before, but is obviously using them up quickly! We returned home around 7:30 that night. What a long day!!
We had counts done again on Wednesday and sure enough, Jessica was in desperate need of platelets again! A normal person should have between 150,000 to 250,000. Jessica had only 1,000. Your platelets are what helps your blood to clot if you cut yourself. Without them, you can bleed to death. While eating Jessica bumped her tongue on her tooth, and ended up having to apply pressure to get it to stop. Unfortunately she now has a large raspberry spot on the end of her tongue, and is only eating liquids. She has many blood spots in her mouth, and has started having slow bloody nose drips. My guess is that we will be in again today for another transfusion of platelets. We are praying that her stem cells will hurry up and kick in as early as mid-week, next week. Please continue to pray for her. She needs all of the help she can get right now. Thankyou!!

Thursday, January 09, 2003 at 01:12 PM (CST)

As most of you know, Jessica was admitted to the hospital last night with a high fever. She is doing better today, but is still running a fever off and on. As for the results of her tests so far, the MIBG scan that we had yesterday showed the tumor appearing to be 75% less than it used to be. Therefore, 75% approximately has died off so far from the radiation that Jessica received in Michigan. The doctor in Michigan said to not be surprised if some of the tumor still showed up on our first scan. That is not uncommon. Sometimes it takes more time for the remainder of the tumor to die. So hopefully by the time we see her next scan 3 months from now, it should not show anything there at all. We were hoping to see nothing there, but I guess we should be happy that it showed signs of progress! He bone marrow looked pretty wiped out, and with a more extensive look at the marrow, we should have news today as to whether or not she will need to receive her stem cells back for recovery reasons. She will probably receive them on Monday at some time, and it takes approximately a week after that for them to start kicking in. As we find out more information from her tests, I will post the update on here. Otherwise, I will keep everyone posted as to how she is feeling and if her blood cultures are growing anything, for signs of infection. So far at the 24 hour check, nothing showed. They will check again tomorrow for the 48 hour check. It is best if nothing shows. Then we know that her body is just reacting to no immune system.

Please keep her in your prayers for a speedy recovery!

Wednesday, January 01, 2003 at 10:12 PM (CST)

Happy New Year!! We are hanging in there, and keeping as isolated as possible. Jessica has hit the very bottom with her counts and has no infection fighting capability at all. We hit bottom last Friday, and don't seem to be making any progress for an upswing yet. We are being checked twice a week, and our next check will be on Friday. My guess is that we will need a couple of different blood units transfused on Friday. Other than that, Jessica is in good spirits and has been enjoying things that she received for Christmas, and playing with Josh and Jazzmyn.

We are praying for her counts to go up on their own, and would rather not give her her stem cells back if at all possible. If they are not up by January 10th, she will be getting her stem cells to help boost her back up.

I'll try to keep this updated as we find out.

Monday, December 09, 2002 at 11:34 AM (CST)

Yes, it is about time that I update this site for everyone. Jessica is feeling fine and has been pretty excited as Christmas is rushing upon us. Her ability to fight off infections continues to decrease, except for last Friday, we actually saw an increase in her numbers! This makes us hopeful that we will not need to give her back her stem cells that were harvested earlier this year. We continue to monitor her blood counts twice a week, with our next visit being tomorrow.
On Saturday, she was invited along with the rest of us to attend the Fantasy Flight to the North Pole, which is sponsored through United Airlines. All three kids had a wonderful time enjoying a magic show, decorating cookies to eat, face painting, gifts from Santa and Ms. Claus, and more. Then on Sunday, we attended the Kids Cancer Fund Christmas party at the hospital. There we were entertained by a juggler that was very good, and funny as well. There too, they got to see Santa, had their picture taken with him, and received a Christmas gift. We were also able to visit with other families that have been going through the same fight that we are. They get to be an extended family, and it is nice to see how the kids are doing. Until my next update, keep praying that Jessica's counts continue to go up.

Monday, November 25, 2002 at 11:18 AM (CST)

Good Morning! We broke out of the hospital yesterday, and I did not have a chance to update this site. Instead, we spent the day relaxing, and Jessica took a 2 1/2 hr. nap. Jessica is much happier now that she can have some family physical contact again (hugs and such). We still need to keep our distance for the most part, but can enjoy an occasional short snuggle. Today we had our counts checked, and will have a MIBG scan today to see where the radiation uptake is at. We are praying for just the same normal spot that we have always seen. We will give a new update probably on Wednesday, since tomorrow we will get to fly back home. We can hardly wait! Until then, pray for good results on our scan today!

Saturday, November 23, 2002 at 12:21 PM (CST)

Today is a good day! Jessica is feeling much better, and says she got a good nights sleep! Her stomach aches are slowly going away, and she has been able to eat a little more than she has in the past few days. Our radiation reading today was 8, so we are so very close to being discharged. They will check again tomorrow morning around 9:00 a.m. The doctors guess that she will be ready to go by then. The magical number for discharge is anywhere below 7. Thankyou for continuing to monitor Jessica's progress and keep her in your prayers.

Friday, November 22, 2002 at 10:16 AM (CST)

It is a cold morning here this morning. There was a little snow here last night. Jessica's radiation levels dropped from a beginning total of 110 (which was right after her treatment) to 24 yesterday. This was a good and substantial drop. The doctor said that a drop like that usually means that there was less cancer areas to go to, and hold the uptake of radiation. Therefore, what isn't taken up in the cancer areas are just flushed back out of the body. This morning her reading was 14. The nuclear medicine technician thinks that it will take until Sunday before she gets out of the hospital. She wasn't very happy about that! Her radiation level needs to be 7 or below. Jessica has been having a number of stomach aches, and is not eating much. This should slowly go away as time passes, too. For the most part, she is doing well and is just bored. Until tomorrow's update, please keep her in your prayers.

Thursday, November 21, 2002 at 09:07 AM (CST)

Good Morning! Jessica received her MIBG treatment yesterday at 11:00a.m. and finished at 1:00 p.m. She handled it fine. She actually slept through the entire procedure and lots more. She was making up for the night before! We are restricted from her room all together and can only yell to her from the hallway. It is approx. 12 to 15 feet from her bed. If we look in the window, we are able to see her reflection in there. As time goes on, she will be less radioactive and we will be able to be closer and closer to her.
She seems more chipper today since her foley catheder was removed. We had a number of problems with them leaking, so they decided to remove it all together. She also has a bladder infection now, and they believe possibly a yeast infection, too. They are dealing with all of those issues.
We will continue to keep this updated on a daily basis for all of you keeping track of her. Thankyou for keeping her in your thoughts and prayers.

Monday, November 18, 2002 at 03:13 PM (CST)

Hi everyone,
We are now in Michigan to under go Jessica's radiation therapy. We arrived yesterday afternoon about 4PM and settled in to the Holiday Inn Express by about 6PM. Our cousin Bobbi came to visit and take us out to eat at Max and Erma's restaurant. We checked in at the hospital at 8AM this morning and had blood drawn and then went to visit the nurse cordinator(Shelli) and Dr. Yanik. Jessica did not miss the chance to throw a little pink football at him, even before he walked in the door. She was getting back at him for tying her shoe laces together the first time they had meet. We talked for while and then went across the hospital to get settle in her room. There has been a little change in plan. We are going to give the infusion on Wednesday, not tomorrow, the lab that makes up the infusion material has 3 doses to make up tomorrow, that is too many in one day so they are going to do it on Tuesday instead. Jessica will receive the infusion on Wednesday morning for about 2 hours and that is it. Then it is a matter of waiting for the radiation levels to go down and that should take about 4 to 5 days. Then we need to stay for a MIBG scan. We are hoping to be home about Wednesday the 27th sometime. That is the condensed version for now, we will try to update this site every so often. If you know anyone that would like to say hi to Jessica, tell them of this website and also the room number is 7349369855. Please be cautious of what time you call. Michigan time is 1 hour ahead of Minneapolis. Thanks for your prayers!!

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