Journal History

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Tuesday, February 6, 2007 4:29 PM CST

It's been a year yesterday since Deb left this plane, and the last few weeks have been heavy with the anticipation and remembrance. It's hard to believe it's been a year already. The curtain of grief still hangs over me daily, although perhaps less oppresive most days than it was a few months ago. It's still startling to contemplate the contrast from before and after.

Following is something I wrote today that seemed appropriate. Thanks for reading this. Please stay in touch if you'd like. Mark


“We’re Glad You’re Here”

I’m reading a novel; in it a middle-aged nurse tells of her most optimistic moment, when she started nursing school in Texas, the new students all lined up in the hall on campus, and she sees someone’s written on the bulletin board, “We’re Glad You’re Here”, and she thrills to her own future of serving others and the wonderful life she anticipates.

I think immediately of Deb, and her tireless service to others, her truly Midwestern optimism and courage and unpretentious determination to get the job, whatever job she’s called upon todo, done. New starched whites and little white nurse’s cap. Prettiest girl in the room.

That bulletin board phrase, so sincere and preternaturally feminine, a sentiment I’d have smiled at before as overly precious, now strikes me as searingly poignant. And, yes, precious in the realest, most honorable sense. The work Deb did, and all nurses do, year after year, lifetime after lifetime is so very precious, so essential to our civilization’s survival. I feel their tender attentiveness and genuine caring for others as a beacon that the rest of us can aspire to. In contrast to my own grasping, selfish ways, their sacrifice and Deb’s in particular seem terribly noble.

This attention to others that nurses and women seem to come to naturally is now more noble and important than all the vanity projects and ego-seeking I’ve indulged in for decades. Society needs more of their collective do-gooding if we’re to survive to the next generation. I honor their work and ethics and selflessness and optimism in the face of hardship. Give us more of it, I say, and help me and others like me to learn to join in.

Sunday, August 20, 2006 11:31 PM CDT

Hello to everyone. It's now been a little over 6 months since Deb died (In our spiritual path, we call it "translating", as we (Soul) are simply moving our energy into another form and leaving the physical one behind.)

The time since her leaving has been one of many changes, outwardly and on the inner planes. I've dealt with a lot of emotional movement, some of it quite dramatic. I know that many of you have also had much grief to deal with, as you've shared it with me.

I quess that is natural, but it sure is a new country. I've been occupied largely with just accepting things as they are, not an easy task. The hole Deb's departure has left in my life is huge and profound. How much one can come to depend on and meld one's fate with someone! In a short 12 years, we truly became a team; with half the team gone, it's a major adjustment, to say the least.

I miss Deborah. A lot. I guess I'll never be the same person I was before we met. She had a profound loving and teaching influence on all whom she met and spent any time with. I can only aspire to be such a force for Love in the world as she was, and is.

Thank you for your words and gestures of caring and sympathy. I'll surely not remember to thank everyone in person, but you know who you are.

Please stay in touch. I want to keep the many friendships Deb and I shared alive.

Blessings be.

Monday, March 13, 2006 3:42 PM CST

Dear Friends:

We held the memorial service for Deborah on Sunday, March 5. It was a beautiful service at the Temple of Eck, Deb's home church in Chanhassen. The weather was a little rainy, but many friends and family attended. So many that a list would be too long to contemplate making.

Carol Morimitsu, an Eck clergy, officiated, and many friends took part. John Villemont shared music beforehand. Sharon Kunin read two poems by Rumi, one of Deb's favorite poets, and "The Road Less Travelled" by Robert Frost. Four friends spoke, remeniscing about times spent with Deb or about how she touched their lives and the lives of others. Sandy Lapham Hofman, Kay Ortscheid, Penny Wheeler and John Villemont all shared stories.

"The Contemplations", a vocal quartet which is Rich Miller, John Villemont, Pat Davis and Lyndra Antonson, sang two songs which were among Deb's favorites: "True Love will Ever Endure" and "Your Name." The tenderness and power of these pieces touched many of us deeply.

A video slide show I made from old family photos and friends' photo albums was shown in the foyer, accompanied by some of Deb's favorite classical music, Barber's "Adaggio for Strings" and Satie's "Gymnopedie".

Afterwards we had refreshments in the Fellowship Hall downstairs. Many folks stayed a long time and shared stories of Deb and the good times we'd had together.

Thank you to everyone who attended, either in person or in spirit. I could feel the presence of many loving souls who supported us from afar. Thanks also for your gifts of remembrance and flowers. We celebrated her life, and yet for me this is also a time of often profound sadness. The presence of family and friends makes it easier to live through this new terrain.

I know Deb is on a new mission now, and I'm so very grateful that her struggle here is over. Getting through the loneliness is easier because we can rely on each other to help remember the good times.

The reminders just keep coming of how profound was Deb's influence on hearts and minds. What a great teacher she was, and is. Here's to Deb! Let's remember her and how she lived and loved and laughed!

Feel free to stay in touch, anytime.

Blessings to you all.

Your friend,
Mark


Friday, February 10, 2006 11:21 AM CST

Dear Ones:

I'm writing to tell you that our beloved Deborah passed away last Sunday, Feb. 5 about 10:00 AM. After several weeks at hospital and home care, she went to in-patient hospice at N. C. Little Memorial Hospice near our home. They did a wonderful job of getting her comfortable after a day or so. She stayed there about 8 days untill her passing. I was amazed by the dedication of all who work at N.C. Little; they create such a caring environment for their residents, and do so much to help make their last days easy and peaceful.

Deb continued to be an inspiration to all she touched untill the end. Her spirit was a powerful presence to us at hospice as well as loved ones near and far. She went peacefully and bravely, with family and friends present. We all miss her very much and will do so for a long time.

The great outpouring of condolences, gifts and attention has been so helpful and heartwarming, it has made a very difficult transition a lot easier. If I fail to send a thank you to everyone personally, please forgive me; you know who you are.

Bob Solheim, the director of N. C. Little Memorial Hospice, told me after she passed that no other patient they'd had there in the entire 10 years they've been open has had the great outpouring of love and attention and caring from so many that Deborah inspired. Also, the sense of peace and love that filled her room the whole time was so strong that the nursing staff commented on it as well.

There will be a memorial service for Deborah on Sunday, March 5, at 1:00PM at the Temple of Eck in Chanhassen. Directions to the Temple of Eck are available at: http://www.eckankar.org/Temple/VisitorInformation/maps.html

The memorial service will be a celebration of Deb's life and influence. We will have stories, music and poetry. Anyone who wants to join us is welcome.

Those who want to give donations in Deborah's honor can donate to:
N.C. Little Memorial Hospice, 7019 Lynmar Lane, Edina, MN 55435
(952) 928-9394.

Gifts to the family can be mailed to: Mary Beth Larson, 5912 Crescent Drive, Edina, MN 55436 (952) 920-1146. She will forward them.

Obituary should appear in the Sunday Feb. 12 Minneapolis Star Tribune.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring about Deb and being there for her. We look forward to seeing you at the memorial or being with us in spirit. I know she is free now, and probably working somewhere helping those who need it most. Her entire life was one of service and caring. What a great legacy of love and joy she leaves behind! What a great gift from God our Deborah was! I will never forget her.

With gratitude and love,
Mark Daehlin

Wednesday, February 1, 2006 8:59 AM CST

Hello, everyone:

It's Mark, Deb's husband. As Deb is now too sick to add to her journal, I'm stepping in to do so from now on. We are really busy, so if the updates aren't as regular as before, forgive me. Please keep checking.

As you know, Deb was admitted to the hospital on Dec. 16 with kidney stones and except for a few days at Christmas, was there untill Jan. 10. Then, I took her home and took care of her there with the help of the Fairview Hospice team. It was difficult and rather exhausting for both of us, but gave her the opportunity to be at home a while and receive some visitors. For that we're grateful.

She had to go back to the hospital on about Jan. 23 with lots of nausea. They stabilized her and put in a G-tube (Tube into the stomach) that has helped a lot with her nausea and got her pain under control. On Sat., Jan. 28 we took her to the N.C.Little Hospice. It is a wonderful place staffed by very caring and dedicated people. Every day there I realize what a huge blessing it is to be there. I could not ask for a better environment in which to entrust her care. I can't say enough about the great people who work there and take care of her.

Deb's disease progresses and we seem to be nearing the final weeks. She is able to carry on very short conversations, and still usually recognizes me and other friends. This is dimishing, however, and more time is spent each day dozing, dreaming or hallucinating (She talks to people who aren't there in the physical room, etc.)... Although we believe it's not merely medical, and that she seems to be spending more time in the next worlds where she'll eventually go. On the whole, her pain and nausea are very much under control, and she seems relaxed and at peace.

In all, Deb's still showing us a great example of how to live in peace, love and grace. What lucky people we are to know someone like her! What a gift from God she has been to so many!

Thank you so much to all who have helped out in so many ways. The burden that both Deb and I have is much lighter because of you. Even though we don't talk directly with everyone, please know that we feel your love and thoughts and prayers, and they all help a great deal. Much love to you all.

More later,
Mark and Deb

Tuesday, January 24, 2006 5:09 PM CST

Greetings Fellow Travelers!

I'm in the hospital again for the third time and maybe the last time. I developed an obstruction in my abdomen and needed to have further intervention as far as tubes.

My general state of health has deteriorated, and I am being told that I will soon translate: two days to two weeks.
And so I am excited about that because my physical body feels very bad.

If I have missed communicating with you, my outer parlor is open for two hours a day the next week. Please bring clips of the grandkids, a nice happy tea, maybe a flower, and let's catch up. Remember I may not appear as I used to. But they tell me I still look good, and I still have a sense of humor.

One of this life's greatest pleasures has been to know so many wonderful Souls and to be able to communicate with them on our journey home to God. Each of us has a unique story to tell and two ears to listen to others' stories. It is through listening and expressing that we work our way through the rocky roads, and it is through laughter and tears that we slide together the other pathways.

One thing I'd like to say in closing, let love in. You are so loved as Soul. Never forget it. May the blessings be.

Deborah

Wednesday, January 18, 2006 1:48 AM CST

I can't seem to follow the day of the mongh. Mark is a few steps behind me. I think it must be "sympathy forgetfulness" in Mark's case. Tonight my parents ae visiting from Phoenix. I thnk they're previous visit here was kind of a shaking up for them. I am glad they are here. If I sound bland, somone who uses steroids and benadryl, give that one some consideration, not forgetting I still do have cancer.

I am still reeling from the hospital. Is it ever easy being a baby, This time I will be cooing, Mark will be learning to sleep and suppily dreaming to heal us both. As for me...my mind will be seaching as for the right word and use. I had many halluncinations during my stay there, I continue to have them less.

I can see Dad walking through the computer room and his his mind working to connect the dots. "Who would she be writing to at this time? Know I love you, who ever help me to connect my dots. I am feeling a litle uncomfortable. I will be anxious to take something and be at peace.

Okay...What a Sad Sack!! I am alive for another go around at life and at service to all life. Pretty great!! I have been getting my bedroom claimed and arranged for rest, nurturance, and healing, as God wills. I feel lke a boxer who has been in a few rounds but will get up for some more. Those who see me say I look good. (My mantra, I guess.)

This is short and I am tired. Keep in touch when you can. We ae happy and healthy, knarly and oak. May your day be exciting and full of Love,
Deborah

Wednesday, January 11, 2006 10:39 AM CST

Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride

Greetings from the inside of one “wild ride”.

I am surviving it fairly well. The story behind this turn in events is health related. On December 15th I became an inpatient. This time a return of the kidney stone pain. I had a little adjustment in my stents on the right side. I continued to have pain and a patch was given to me for 24- hour relief. I had more pain relievers as needed. We seemed to get the pain under control and something new would pop up. Around every corner of Mr. Toad’s ride is a new surprise! It was, for the most part, the worst days of my life. Pain is overwhelming by itself, and to add a twist I began hallucinating. They knew it was a medicine reaction but they had to figure out which one. Once that was done, my hippy, cool ride started to drift off into a more normal presentation. My wild ride lasted 16 days and I came home with lots of questions and not enough energy to speak them. I am on hospice now and think it will be great. I meet with the nurse today. I have so many medicines that I need to get them written down. Mark and Tammi (my sis), think I should have a place to check off if I took them. To me that feels like nurse’s charting. It is hard too to do my work while on continous morphine. I can see the stress in Mark’s face and his loss of weight. I was critically ill and it was very hard on him. I am still weak and tired. Plus…I am now officially retired. It was a little emotional to know I am done with a career that I loved. Money wise we are well provided. I am grateful that the transition to the Higher Worlds has been made easier by the love of family and friends. I am not sure how long this process will take. I am still in a fair amount of pain and am leaving this outcome in God’s hands.

Communication with anyone is difficult as of yet due to my weakness. Mark has been the “Lion at the Gate” as far as keeping me from missing rest and weakening myself further with the time I would usually give talking, laughing, and generally having fun with my friends and loved ones. There are those who get through. I am hoping to feel better and stay in touch more personally. Right now I have to close and lay down.

So I made it through my “ Wild Ride”. I send you all love.


Deborah

Sunday, January 1, 2006 9:36 PM CST

Doust Thou Suffer?

Greetings My Good Ones, My Rocks to lean upon, my Softness and Grace to settle down upon!!! My Gratitude Runneth over!

I will try to keep this brief, but nothing about this experience was brief save the few times I was not in severe pain. I updated you last on the 24th. The kidney stones seemed to have resolved. Being pain free is a blessing! So what went wrong?? I developed Right Sided kidney pain that was likely a return of the stones. The Dr.s at the University felt I should return to the hospital.

A new plan of action started for me and I felt confident we would get a handle on the lessons life brings. I got a twofer!! Because this uretur already had a ureteral stent in place I had the right treatment for the job. There was a feeling that a stone would pass and I would be healed from kidney stones. I learned that I have a family history of kidney stones, my Dad's Dad. So that is the shortened story.

Here is the economical story.

Doust Thou Cry Out???

Kidney stone pain is the worst pain I have ever known. It came on like a knife stabbing into my kidney. Within 15 minutes it was excruciating, I was expressing moans, groans, losing all the colour from my face. Where was my patient,(to a fault), Deborah. It was intense. I know there has to be some of you who can relate. The Dr.s managed my pain overnight and I was offered surgery as an option to remove the 1 stent in the right and put in 2 smaller and more flexible ones in. The thinking being that two would provide at least one pathway if the the other one was obsrtucted. We tried it, and I had off and on pain on the right side ever since. IT IS seeming to be getting milder and the duration of attacks shorter ever since...a light at the end of the tunnel.


How Doust Thou get through?

Ever singing the Name of God. Allow God's Love to be present. Know beyond doubt that Soul is Loved by God. I trust that you may have figured I come up with somehting like that : )

Finally; Know that the loving space that we hold for one another, that every time we send out that love (PING)...It is felt. Love endures.


True Love Will Ever Endure
Deborah

Saturday, December 24, 2005 10:08 PM CST

The Fury of the Storm

As much as I would have liked to think I was safe…somehow I made it out of safety and into a violent storm. It all started on Thursday, the 15th of December with severe kidney pain. This was a quick stabbing, severe pain, the likes of which I had never felt. I had, however seen others with this pain. Mark took me to University of MN Medical Center. I was moaning, shaking and crying with pain. They got us right in and pain medicine given. After evaluation they decided to send me home as the pain was completely gone. Three hours later would find me back with the same pain. I did pass kidney stones and continued to have episodes of this pain, plus surgery to implant ureteral stents which keeps the ureters open so the stones can pass more easily. Many other tests were done, many days passed in a blur as I suffered the violent stabbing pain. I had a combination of medicines that caused me to hallucinate, both seeing things and hearing things. I learned that the cancer has spread to the bladder and lungs and that I was not oxygenating well. Everyday was difficult until we found a pain management strategy that worked. Because I did not eat for days, did not sleep for 3 days and was a basket case, I did not communicate with many of you. Mark took that over for me and screened all calls. If anyone had talked to me they would have thought I was dying. Indeed, there were moments when I thought I would die. One night my Dear Dr. gave me a strong sedative and I slept blissfully. We got a pain management plan that relieved my pain the next day. I think everyone who took care of me before pain relief must have thought I was Dr. Jekyll. After relief I was my usual self. People would come in and say, “WOW…you are a different person!” And so I was, and so I am...graced with another block of time to live.

I left the hospital with oxygen that I must wear continuously, pain medicine that is given over 24 hours, retired from Nursing due to health, and unable to drive because of the pain medicine. Still I left for home with a happy heart.

A sad thing happened to my favourite old girl, Maseka. She has been failing for a while, kidney disease. I had noticed that the past 2-3 weeks she was thinner and not eating as much. Mark and I would carry her to the food bowl and encourage her. We were close to her and checked on her frequently. I feel bad because Mark and I were at the hospital almost all of the time. Mark did go home and answer calls, feed the cats and tend to the business of life. I guess it was her time because Wednesday night she left this world, alone, but I hope not lonely. She was 17 and my good friend. I was so sick I could not respond to news of her passing. Mark, however, was devastated. It was when I felt a little more human and came home that her passing really hit me. I miss her.

I would rate this storm a category higher than any other I have had this lifetime. Many blessings accompanied my storm and I was exposed, present during the violence, the pain, the fear. I was woefully human in my response and hardly able to sublimate. Mark said I was kind, always thanking my caregivers, even helping with directions to a lost woman as I was on my way to the CT scan. I could only hope that my strong foundation was keeping me stable because the rest of me was swaying, pulling and threatened. Remember Dorothy in Wizard of Oz, inside her house getting pulled by the tornado? It was a lot like that.

I know that there are times when complete surrender is the only option. I know too that this episode was hard on you all, Dear Readers. Thank you for your calls and support. You all were the beautiful landscape surrounding my storm of terror, holding the space for me to return as God wills it. Thank you All!!

More later and check out the pictures sometime later this week for a memorial to Maseka.

Love,
Deb

Saturday, December 10, 2005 4:07 PM CST

The Wind in the Canyon

I have always loved hiking! It has been one of my greatest joys. I love that I cannot predict the trail, the weather, the wildlife, and the sights and sounds. Some “difficult” things can happen on the trail. One time I was with a good friend and we were 7 miles into a hike on a somewhat abandoned trail, in other words not maintained for several years. We hiked over fallen trees, looked for the trail when it seemingly disappeared and were rewarded with solitude, spring wild flowers and the challenge of the trail itself. This was at Zion National Park in Utah. One of my favourites. I had a strange experience on that trail. I saw a velvety looking plant, a low brushy, pale sage green thing. It looked soft so I touched it. Indeed I ran my fingers along a branch of small leaves and it was a pleasure. I wondered if it had a scent. I put my fingers up to my nose and inhaled. I must have gotten some pollen into my system. It was not a fragrant bush, and I sort of balked at the scent. It was about 10 minutes when I realized I was having a tightness in my chest and it was hard to breathe. Now we are 7 miles up a rocky poorly maintained trail and what??? I am having an allergic reaction?? I didn’t know what to do. I put a request into Spirit’s “In” box and started doing some very purposeful and slow breathing. My friend was a ways away and I was sitting on a rock, breathing and waiting for it all to get easier. In time the tightness let up. Never did I give in to fear. I knew I would be cared for. My friend came around just as I felt I had mostly recovered. She asked what I was doing and I told her I was recovering from an allergic reaction. She got anxious and asked why I didn’t call to her. I answered that I wondered if she would have anxiety or fear about it so I kept it private so I would not be anxious.

Later in the week we had a partly cloudy day. Zion is a canyon park. Hikes are usually up and into the canyon walls or one can trail down the Virgin River with steep walls on either side, wading through waist deep cold water. This day we decided to go on an easy walk with waterfalls and pools. We got aways up and looked at the narrow crack of sky. Dark clouds hinted at a storm. We made it to one of the higher pools and walked around it. There were areas where the water had eroded cave like shelters in the soft rock.

The storm came quickly, rain soft at first then poured. We were protected by the overhang of rock. There was lightening and thunder. It sounded like we were in a bowling alley, sitting along the lanes near the pins as they were violently struck down. The most awesome part of this storm was the wind. It howled, rushed and yelled as it blew through the canyon. We were astounded and humbled by the power of the wind. We sat, protected…eating trail mix, drinking our water, writing in our journals, contemplating and just being with it all.

I thought of this experience yesterday as I reflected on my week of health news. It seems my tumor marker is up again, this time almost 10,000. I have symptoms that are uncomfortable, great fatigue, and weariness at times. My Dear Dr. doesn’t have a lot of reasonable options left for treatment. Now it is a question of trying something that will cause many side effects and is not known to be very effective. Finally, I am seeing that my body has suffered the side effects of years of chemotherapy. I saw a cardiologist and have some decrease in function of my heart. My bladder has some issues that are attention getting (for me). I read like some kind of sick person on paper, but I have to tell you that I look pretty good in person!! I agreed to try a treatment that MAY have an effect in keeping the tumor from growing, but it is a small chance. The appealing thing about this med is that it is oral and has very low side effects.

Yes there is a big storm blowing through my canyon. Rest assured, Dear Reader, I am sitting at peace under that overhang, eating trail mix and drinking water. I have no idea how my journey will go from here. I do know that I am at peace with it. So shall we see together what changes the future brings? Hang in with me,
More Later,
Deborah

Saturday, December 3, 2005 9:28 PM CST

Greetings,

It was a busy week. I spent most of it flat on my back. Today I popped up and felt half-way normal. I cleaned out the fridge, cleaned the kitchen, bathroom and changed sheets. Then I was pooped! I noticed that while I lay on the couch at an angle, somewhat like a beached whale, Butch, my big fat boy cat, came up to me and started kneading on my stomach. I am happy to report that it did not hurt. That is a new good thing.

I hope I can have some time out of bed tomorrow to just be. I was supposed to work but think I should give myself one more day of recovery.

It has been snowing here and beautiful. I really enjoyed it. I had to run an errand this afternoon so got to slike around a little. I even cooked a meal. Now that is progress!

I hope your week is going to be a good one. I will write more later,
Deborah

Tuesday, November 22, 2005 2:50 PM CST

Greetings,

I have been meaning to update the site but have not felt well. Today is a good day and here I am!

I went for my Dr. appointment on Friday. My Dear Dr. was not in town but I saw the Nurse Practitioner Jeanne, Pam, the oncology nurse specialist and my favourite Fellow, Dr. Amy Johnson. It was a long visit. My tumor marker went up again, but not by much. It went from 6945 to 7291. Remember, with new chemo changes it may take a few cycles to see a decrease. I am hoping that since it did not go up by much I will see a decrease next time. I am on course to get the chemo the Monday after Thanksgiving, to see a urologist on that day and to get an updated CT scan that day. I hope I can do all that!! I know I hardly have energy to be away from the house for 2 hours. At least I can sleep at my chemo appointment.

I have been suffereing with bladder problems most probably caused from the last chemo I was on. The Dr.s at my clinic said it can heal on its own or may be something more serious, hence the urology appointment. I am weary of my general state of health. I appreciate a good day.

I am also grateful for all of my support, family and friends. I couldn't do it without you. I hope I am gracious with all of these changes. I am trying to be. So thank you for your support.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. We all have so much to be grateful for.

Love,
Deborah

Friday, November 11, 2005 11:30 AM CST

Hello,

This week was a rude awakening. I had not had IV chemo for awhile and it was rough. I spent a lot of time nauseated and in bed. Finally, I am feeling better. I blew off the whole week as far as things I had hoped to get accomplished. I am hopeful there will be a better solution to the nausea next time, maybe trying a different anti-nausea med. I sure must say it was one of the most unpleasant weeks for side effects that I have had in many months. I am weary.

I know now that I know the strength of side effects of this chemo, I will perhaps do better next time. I hope so because I don't want to spend one week, every 3 weeks, feeling like this.

There is not a lot more to say. I wanted to say Hi to Nancy. I have tried several times to send an e-mail to you but the address doesn't work, the one on the guestbook. So know that I am thinking of you.

Keep in touch all, I can use the boost.
Deb

Friday, November 4, 2005 1:14 PM CST

Greetings to All,

I am doing fine. I do however have some news. I don't know if I said but I have been having symptoms of the cancer growth for 2-3 weeks. I was hoping it was a fluke but this past Wednesday I think I knew that it was not.

I saw my dear Dr. Carson today and yes, my tumor marker is up again to 6985. It was 3200 last month. I am scheduled to change chemotherapy, back to an agent I have had before, Carboplatin. I start on that on Monday.

I had a dream this AM just before I awoke. In the dream I was in Dr. Carson's clinic to be seen. I saw her and Pam, her nurse specialist. Dr. Carson told me in the dream that my number was up and I would be getting something different as far as chemo. Then I had a segment with my Grandma (Harriett), my maternal grandma. It had been many years since I have seen her. She died when I was about 10 or so. Anyway, here is that segment of the dream. We got into an old car, one with one of those big steering wheels and the gear shifter on the column. She looked at me and said, "Let's see if this car will run!" She started it up. The car was in the wrong lane of traffic and was headed the wrong direction. She put it in Reverse. I said, "Grandma, you're in reverse" and she said it was okay. I jokingly asked her if she had ever heard of the forward gears. We rode backward down a 2 lane highway and a school bus was headed for us. I commented on it but she indicated it was okay. Finally she backed into a parking lot and told me "When you are going backward, sometimes it can make it easier to go forward." I thought about that on my way to Dr. Carsons and realized that my tumor marker going up is a reversal, yet it may have a purpose in making it easier to turn around later. Who knows?? It was comforting to me and good to see my "Mamaw". What a gift dreams are!

So this next chemo has its challenges. Mostly that I will have to take large doses of steroids. You may recall how I moan about steroids??? I did do some moaning in the office but couldn't budge dear Dr on that. Next time you see me I will be retaining water and crazy emotionally!!! I do feel that this has been a very effective chemo in the past, so I have hope. It may be 2-3 cycles before we know if it is working. Hang in there with me...it is like "Mr Toad's Wild Ride"!

More later, with love,
Deborah

Monday, October 24, 2005 4:01 PM CDT

Good Afternoon!

I had my Avastin treatment today and all went well. I am happy to report that I feel good today despite another restless nights sleep. I have been having trouble sleeping for various reasons for about a week. On Saturday I was napping during the day and dreampt I was sleeping!!

It was a wonderful weekend. We had our Eckankar Worldwide Seminar. I was not able to attend as much as I wanted but the time I had was a treasure. I was able to hear our Spiritual Leader, Harold Klemp speak. It was the highlight of the weekend. After his talk Mark and I were able to be with some dear friends from MO/IL. What Fun! I was also able to see a dear friend from Albany NY and we had lunch with her on Saturday. I would have enjoyed seeing more of my friends from around the country but the body would not cooperate.

I have felt more fatigued and just not good the past few days. I believe I cope well, considering. I think there has just been a lot going on for me inside my heart. It is good, yet keeps me at attention. I want to learn what I need to learn to take the next step home to God. Some times the lessons are not as comfortable as one would like.

Mark is busy with the shed. It has a roof now and will soon have cedar shingles. I think my request for cedar almost "broke the bank". Our attempt to do it yourself has become a money pit. Bless his heart, he has been doing it by himself, I go to help when necessary. His back is complaining, but he is not. What a good guy! I am a lucky one.

Speaking of Lucky One, we had the pleasure of hearing Alison Krauss and Union Station perform it on Friday night. I had called when the tickets became available and got 6th row seats. It was just great. Bluegrass...true American music!! What gifted musicians they are.

Well...I just wanted to say "Hey" and let you know I am well. Keep in touch!

Deborah

Tuesday, October 18, 2005 11:49 AM CDT

Greetings,

I have good news again. The hole in my gum has healed. It looks great. I did have a piece of bone that decided to come out first which allowed it to heal. I was very happy because the Dr.s who saw me thought I might have to stop my Avastin. It is working so well that I did not want to do that!

There is not a lot of news. I am feeling well except for some fatigue and back pain that seems to plague me at times. I am sceduled to work this week and next and look forward to that. I am cleaning house, well...not right at this moment...but soon. Last night I did the kitchen. It seems that I must resort to the "one or two room at a time" method of cleaning.

Mark is making a shed for me. It will be nice to be able to have one place to store garden and yard tools. It is too bad that it will slightly obstruct a couple of my windows in the computer room. It is an okay trade off for the convenience of the shed to the house. Maybe not a good resale tactic.

Well, I will close for now. Hope your week is going well!

Deborah



Friday, October 7, 2005 4:57 PM CDT

Greetings,

Good news again!!! My tumor marker dropped another 1000 points. I have a couple of side effects that I hope are manageable with other medications. They are not a concern at this point as far as holding the Avastin. That may be a future consideration. Avastin is an interesting drug. It attacks the cancer by blocking the cancer cells ability to create new blood vessels. It also affects the rest of the body's ability to create new tissue. Only a problem if you have a hole in your gum, for instance. I have just that! It started 3 weeks ago and was very painful. The pain is better but the hole did not heal. I saw a nice Dr. He is an ENT Dr. who sees a lot of cancer patients. He told me that he would rather I continue to get the Avastin. He referred me to a dental Dr. who specializes in this. I will see him on Tuesday. He hopefully will have something topical that will help to heal it. The other side effect is high blood pressure. I had to start a med for that and now will have to increase the dose. Avastin can cause high blood pressure and holes in the GI tract. The mouth is actually the beginning of the GI tract. So I can say this is a medicine that is strong and not to be tasken lightly!

We have had a weird weather week. On Sunday/Monday it was 85 degrees in the daytime with a 68 degree dew point. I used the AC for the first time ever in October. We usually have the air conditioning units out of the window by the end of September. Wednesday a front came through and we had record rainfalls and flash flooding. Early Thursday morning there were snow flurries, the earliest time on record. I turned on the heat Thursday when the house was only 60 degrees at 3:00PM....I mean a girl has her limits.

Mark is having a wonderful fall, lots of painting outside. He is going to build me a new shed this weekend. We have carried tools and mulch up and down the basement stairs for many years. For the past 2 or so we have just left stuff out in the back yard against the house. It looks a little trashy. It is a working garden/yard. I will enjoy having things centralized and not having to haul bags, mowers and the snow blower up and down the stairs.

I think I will put some more pictures on the site so check that out.

More Later,
Deborah

Friday, September 23, 2005 7:29 PM CDT

Greetings!

I have been out of town. Mark and I went on a wonderful vacation in Colorado. We are such good travellers! We took the car so I could take all I needed, the infrared tunnel, my box of supplements, hiking gear and water. Those plus the usual vacation items. The trip was great. It is about 930 miles one way to where we stayed, just outside Estes Park, CO. The trip out was good for me. I felt good. Mark was tired and slept. He had been working so hard. I am so glad he got to get away.

When Mark would sleep I would put on the ipod headphones, (now called ear buds), and put on some active music. I find that I have to do something to keep awake when he is sleeping. The dance music is good for that. I tap my feet, move in the seat, nod my head and try NOT to go into a full throated sing along.

About 2 hours into the trip we hit rain. It poured and visibility was limited. I kept thinking if I kept on driving I would get out of it quicker. Instead I ended up driving 45 minutes in the pouring rain. I guess it can always be worse...fog...ice...full bladder and no rest stops. My 3-4 quarts of water per day insured that we would see almost every rest stop. Iowa has the best! No touch anything, so great for immunosupressed folks like me.

Mark told me he thinks this is the best vacation we have ever had. I wondered if that had to do with the fact that he painted outside every day for long stretches. He did 2-3 paintings a day. He hiked and carried his easel, he painted at the resort we stayed at, he dreamed of painting! He had so much fun.

I had fun too. I took 3 days to acclimate to the altitude before attempting a hike. We were at 7000 feet at the resort. The first few days we did lame driving around and looking, including the one way dirt road to the summit. I drove because Mark tries to drive and take photos (at the same time) too frequently for my comfort. This was not a lame drive...it was scarey. Sheer drop-offs kept me fully alert and eyes pasted on the road ahead. I dared not look at the drop-offs, I value dry clothes! We stopped many times and Mark took some pictures. By the time we got to paved road I was exhausted. The next day we took a 1 1/2 mile hike at 9000 feet. We are the hikers who used to do 10 miles a day in the mountains BC (before cancer). I struggled going up and was tired. I wanted to go further on the trail but my inner voice nudged me, implored me, to turn back. Sadly...I complied. I know it was the right decision. I had to stay at the condo for 2 days laying around and resting to recover. Even then my energy was low for the rest of the visit.

The trip home was mostly uneventful. The "Service Engine Soon" light came on in the car 100 miles into our return. I called the dealership and they said as long as the car seemed okay it would be fine to drive it. I soo dislike anything wrong with the car. Our stop at Council Bluffs, Iowa, to rest, landed us in 86 degree, 68 dew point weather at 10:00 PM. It was quite a change from the dry cool weather in the mountains.

We listened to a wonderful book, "The Life Of Pi" by Yann Martell. It was delightful. I would recommend it, especially on tape. The man who reads it is casted perfectly.

Now it is back to routines, work, three cats who missed us terribly, and the comfort of our own bed. We slept 11 hours today. As for me, I will be going for my IV therapy on Monday and continue to take my daily chemo. I feel it is continuing to serve me well.

Check out the photo album. I will show you a few new photos.

More Later,
Deborah

Wednesday, September 7, 2005 11:53 AM CDT

Greetings,

I had my visit with my Dear Dr. Carson today. It is always a good visit when she has good news for me. My tumor marker was down!!! It went down from last months 6890 to 4213 today. 42 and my lucky number 13!! I was impressed. Usually when I start a new chemo it does not go down for 3 months. I also feel that part of the awesome response has been my use of the infrared tunnel. I have been using it for a month, 30 minutes a day. Got to do all the adjuncts that may complement the chemo.

I have been feeling stronger on this chemo. I actually have swam lately, my favourite form of exercise. I did my usual 1/2 mile and it took a little longer because I am out of shape. I am going today after I am finished with this missive.

I have had a side effect from the Avastin. I developed hypertension (high blood pressure), which can happen with that drug. I am now on a medicine for that. My blood pressure was okay at the Dr.'s office today and Mark will continue to monitor it for me at home.

We had a few weeks of cooler weather and now it is more humid and hotter. I had to use the AC to sleep the past 2 nights. I think this is the first time we have ever used the AC in September. We are usually more likely to use the heat. This year I am holding out until October on that. That is my effort to save fuel and cost. Last year I dropped the daytime heat temp to 67 and night-time to 64. I may edge those down and wear more long underwear.

We are mostly done with tomatoes. We had so many good ones! These hot summers are good for tomatoes. We broke a record in the Twin Cities this year. It was the first summer on record (the official summer is June July Aug) that we never dipped below 70 degrees for our high. Personally, I like the cooler summers. Keep that Canadian air coming our way!

Okay, I had better get off to the pool. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I am doing what I can to heal and open to what I may change to make it easier. Keep in touch.

Deborah

PS. Check out the owl in the photos. I was a human tree trunk and provided a place for him to land. It was awesome to hold such a beautiful bird. He only weighed 2 lbs.

Friday, August 26, 2005 12:33 AM CDT

Greetings,

I am feeling good. The pain I was having is lessened and my energy is more consistent. The new daily oral chemo is like taking water. In fact, I have to dring 3-4 quarts of water during the day, so water it is!! The IV med is not so kind, but only 2 times a month. A very managable regimen. One I hope works so I can stay on it.

There is not a lot of other news. I think I told you about losing our beautiful tree in the front yard. It had a crack and was dying. We are looking to replace it. We found out the gas line runs rather close so we cannot have a big tree put in. They use that metal cone digger to put those in and we would have to have the gas line moved for $1100.00. Wow. Think we will pay someone to dig the hole by hand and maybe have to get a smaller tree.

It is State fair time. Mark is doing airbrush daily there for about 12 hours a day. I am home with the cats and the chores. I had a little back incident last week but that is all better now. I am sore if I do housework. It is better with rest, so about back to my usual level of back pain.

Our weather is getting cooler. Me Likie!!! We had lots of tomatoes and they like it hotter. I guess you can't please everyone.

I thought I would give you some pictures to look at today for fun.

More Later,
Deborah

Tuesday, August 16, 2005 4:11 PM CDT

Hello to All,

I am having a good day. I had my first dose of Avastin yesterday at the hospital. It went fairly well. I had some side effects that were short lived and managable. I am now officially on the new regimen for ovarian cancer which is an oral chemo every day and this IV med twice a month. So far the oral med is very kind and I think I can handle the IV med, knowing it is only 2 times a month.

It has been so nice here. Temps in the 70s-80s in the daytime and cool at night. Lots of bugs are making their songs, replacing the birds who are no longer mating. We have not used the AC for over a week and I am happy about that. Today is a little more humid but still managable. We have been having rain too and that is a blessing.

There is not much other news here. I am feeling so much better on this regimen. I think the Hexalen was a little harder on me than most. This chemo seems to be very nice. I just hope it will work. It will be three cycles before we know.

Hope your summer is going well. Keep in touch.

Deborah

Wednesday, August 10, 2005 5:54 PM CDT

Greetings,

I feel like I am digesting a big meal of information today. I guess that is because I am. I saw my dear Dr. Carson today. Though I tried to remain positive about this last chemo working, I was not convinced it was. Indeed it was not. My tumor marker went up to 6800. I do have some symptoms that led me to believe it would be up but I was surprised it went up so much. I still feel pretty good for all that is going on. I am not feeling hopeless, a little sad, but overall I feel in balance with this.

I will probably be starting a new regimen soon. It has to get pre-approved by Medica, my health insurance company. I will know by Friday if I will be on this new med. Otherwise there is another option for me.

I have been rather tired and not feeling up to doing many of the things I usually do. If I have not been communicative know you are on myh list and I will get a personal note off to you when I feel I can. For now I will close.

More Later,
Deborah

Wednesday, July 20, 2005 12:21 AM CDT

Greetings,

Well...I am back on the Hexalen. Thinking positive thoughts for it to work. I feel good. I have been busy with life, watering my garden, adopting some of the plants in the common area behind my boulder retaining wall and keeping the neighbors plants going in our run of 9() degree days. Not a lot of other news.

I just finished reading 2 delightful books by Mary Doria Russell. The first is "The Sparrow" and the follow up is "Children of God". They are classified as science fiction but really I think they are very spiritual. The premise is a group of Jesuits and other scientists realize the existance of others on a planet light years away. They take off in an asteroid, (I know...it is weird), and go there and interact with the species there. Things happen to the main character, Emilio Sandoz that have him questioning God's Will...what it is exactly? If the good things that happen in life are easily ascribed to God's Will, what about the awful, unfair and painful things? There is a quote paraphrased from Exodus and some comments later from the author that I thought you might be interested in reading it. From the second book...

They were quiet for a time, alone in their thoughts, but then John sat up straight, struck by a thought.
“There’s a passage in Exodus—God tells Moses, ‘No one can see My face, but I will protect you with My hand until I have passed by you, and then I will remove My hand and you will see My back’. Remember that?

Emilio nodded, listening.

“Well, I always thought that was a physical metaphor,” John said, “but you know—I wonder now if it isn’t really about time? Maybe that was God’s way of telling us that we can never know His intentions, but as time goes on…we’ll understand. We’ll see where He was: we’ll see His back.”

John Candotti's insight in to Exodus 33:17-23 is from Chatam Sofer (quoted in “Sparks Beneath the Surface” by Lawrence Kushner)

I really enjoyed this book...and the seeds for contemplation. I think it is truly a gift to recognize God's hand in everything. How even more precious it is to know It's presence in the midst of difficult times. It was a good relfection for me with the disappointing news from Mayo last week.

Have a good week and stay in touch,
Love,
Deborah

Saturday, July 16, 2005 6:06 PM CDT

Dear Friends,

It has been a busy week. I went to Mayo for some tests on Tuesday. What a beautiful clinic. Lots of marble, granite, wood and metal. They are very organized also. They see 5000 patients a day. Each place I went to for a test was only a 10-20 minute wait.

I saw the Dr. on Thursday. She was a lovely Greek lady. She didn't have good news for me. I am ineligible for the trial. I failed one immunity test so they could not safely include me in this phase. Maybe next year, December 2006, the rule will change and I may be able to try again. I felt a little stunned by it all. Everything had fallen into place for me to go there and on such short notice. I guess it is not to be, at least now.

So, I am back on the Hexalen for another cycle and we will see if that will do anything. The Dr. a Mayo was doubtful. If it doesn't work I will be switched to another chemo.

Beyond this news, I don't have much else to say. I will update you next week when I feel more newsy.

Deborah

Thursday, July 7, 2005 1:46 PM CDT

Dear Ones,

Just a quick note before I go off to work. I had my Dr. appointment yesterday. My tumor marker was 2800s, that is double what it was last month. I sort of thought the chemo was helping as I had less pain. Dr. Carson told me it can sometimes take awhile for the Hexalen to bring down the tumor marker. while I am not interested in my marker doubling again, I don't want to switch chemo in case I get into the Mayo study.

NEWS FLASH!! Mayo just called and my number is up! This is good news indeed. The clinical trial coordinator will be calling my isurance company to get pre-approval, I wll be faxing some medical info to her and could be going to Rochester for my screening visit as soon as the middle of this month. If I am accepted I will begin treatment August 1st!!! This has suddenly turned out to be a good day.

I have to get to work now to give permission for my records to be faxed to Mayo. So no newsy report today. Wish me well on my journey!

Love,
Deb

Wednesday, June 29, 2005 9:54 AM CDT

Greetings,

This is my week off the chemo. I started it by wrenching my back. I spent Monday resting and Tuesday back to fairly normal activities, thanks to arnica and advil. I know it is still healing as it gets sore easily. We all should celebrate the health of our backs. Even those of us who have "bad backs" can be happy it is not worse.

There is yet another thunderstorm on the way. We have not lacked for rain. The gardens love that. Speaking of which, I will put some June garden pictures on the site. It is my "summer job", taking a lot of my love and sweat. It pays dividends though, joy and beauty.

Marco cut down some branches from the neighbors tree to get some more light into our yards. It put a little more on the day lillies and they may bloom more. I tore out 3/4 of the bed which was all day lillies. They just were not happy in the deep shade. I replaced them with some shade lovers.

The neighbor has been inspired to put some plants at the back of his property also. I have taken on watering them, turning on his sprinkler on days that we need to water. He is a landlord, so is off the property. He also cut down 2 small trees and opened up a sight line for us. I personally liked the privacy of the trees but I suppose it does look neater.

Our other neighbor has moved to a townhome. His house is on the market. I am asking Spirit for neighbors who will bring love and harmony to our community, if that is for the good of all concerned. They will also have to be rich neighbors as he is asking a nice price for his house. We shall see what develops. Oh...did I say I am watering his plants too??? He hasn't many as he put rocks in his front yard several years ago to avoid mowing. He has 2 oblong areas of dirt with bushes and plants. It looks overgrown and has weeds, but watering is all I am committed too. His back yard is paved with pavers. He also has a fence between his house and ours. We like the fence so hope that stays. I think this house could use some more life around it though, as in permeable surface. Again, who knows what Spirit will bring.

There is not a lot of other news. I am just grateful to be here. Sometimes my roaming range is limited, but I still shine.

Have a great Fourth of July. Think of me when you see the fireworks. I do love them! I am not sure if we will make it to the Temple that night. It is on a big hill with fireworks on the neighboring property. From the hill you can see 5 displays. It is such fun! I may try some garlic to keep mosquitoes away. I am philosophically against DEET, yet don't like the idea of getting bit. I try that natural stuff and am not convinced it works, plus makes me nauseated. What is a nature lover to do?? Long sleeves and pants!

Okay...I am rambling. More Later,
Deborah



Saturday, June 18, 2005 9:55 AM CDT

Greetings,
We are having SUN! It is so great. Yesterday I had to water some of the plants. WOW. Mark and I sat outside for breakfast yesterday and it was a slice of Heaven. The humidity has been so low that at 80 it is still a little cool. I love that. We were having so many dreary days that I was feeling like I needed a mood med!

I am feeling really good considering. I still have mind bending fatigue at times but yesterday I cleaned house, fed plants outside, ran errands and in general had a busy day. All without a nap. Today I am going downtown to Marco's art fair by the Mississippi River. That will be fun. He is excited about this show, it is a new one for him. Hopefully there will be sales!

There is not a lot of other news. My garden is a paradise of pleasure and has inspired the landlord next door to do some planting and landscaping in his yard. That improves mine. I am helping him a little by turning on his water when needed and in return he offered to rent his very naturally lit basement room to Mark for a dedicated studio. Mark's studio here is full of stuff. Very bad feng shui. Anyway this space is perfect, he is out of the house "at work", and our prortable phone is there and works. Also if I need him he is available quickly. So it is perfect...all for a very nominal rent that I suppose will just cover the electricity and water uses. It is a good thing. Mark is excited and ready to start his next piece. I am excited for him.

I think I will give you some new pictures today, so check it out.
Love,
Deborah

Wednesday, June 8, 2005 3:04 PM CDT

Hello All,

It is Wednesday, the day I visit Dr. Carson. We had a nice visit. My tumor marker went up to 1317, from 598. Neither she or the fellow had an opinion about that as it takes 2 months to know if the new chemo is working. She did, however, increase my dose. I know she always gives me the lowest dose as she says, "You are a sensitive person!". But I noticed that the dose listed with the medicine info was a little higher when you are only taking it 2 weeks at a time. Some people take it 3 weeks on and one week off. For those people it works for, she says it works well. I hope I am one of them. My dose increase is not much, just one more capsule a day. I think that will be okay. We also talked about a strategy to decrease the fatigue...changing when I take the doses. So I will see how it works out.

It is a beautiful day. We had 2 thunderstorms during the night. I was awake for the first then took something for sleep. I slept right through the second one, which was loud, windier and more intense. I have noticed that I do better during the day when I sleep at night. So if that means taking a light sedative, I will.

My garden is beautiful. Almost as beautiful as my girlfriends. I am so lucky to have such friends. I thought I would give you some pictures of my buddies. First is me at my birthday party here at Kay's house. That same day they were pricing items that had been donated for a garage sale benefit for me. What a blessing they are.

I will also include a picture of my friends from MO. They came to visit in May and we had such a wonderful time. I have leaned on my friends a bit lately. I am grateful for them all.

Keep in touch and have a wonderful summer.
Love,
Deborah

Wednesday, June 1, 2005 3:43 PM CDT

Happy June,

I just finished the first 2 weeks of my oral chemo. It was fairly awful! I like that I was not nauseated. That was a great relief. I did suffer with fatigue. It would hit about 1-2 hours after the dose, (3 times a day), and it was marked. Whatever I was doing...I had to stop and lay down. I don't think I have ever been so tired. I did manage to get some things done. Power of sheer will. We did some gardening and that was fun. Mostly it was Mark. Please let me share some pictures of the front beds with you. We are so happy with how they turned out.

On Monday, my first day off chemo, we got some new plants and I did some weeding, adding of compost and mulching. Not nearly what I could've once done but was happy to feel good enough to do it. We grilled some nice veggies and a little meat for our dinner and sat outside. The first of many wonderful meals outside. I look forward to it.

I discovered the itunes library this past week. Had quite a trip down memory lane listening to old songs. I even emptied my pockets a little and made a nice complitaion that I like. What fun. I have been saving gift money to get an ipod. We recently purchased a new washer and dryer at Best Buy and got some reward money back. As soon as those certificates come I will be able to get it. Then I can listen to music on my walks. Right now I have a boom box that I carry to the hospital, for IV chemo, when I am going to be there for several hours. It is just another thing to carry and tiring. Now I will have a smaller load.

Thank you to those who have e-mailed, called and come to visit from MO. I so enjoyed seeing and hearing from you. It really lifts us both. I feel like my friendship garden got watered. You know how much of a treasure true friendship is. It is always there, yet its value is hidden until inspected and enjoyed. It has been a feast and I am full. Thank You All!!

Well I had better see if I can get the pictures ready for the site.

Keep in touch.
Love,
Deborah

Tuesday, May 24, 2005 9:47 AM CDT

Good Day...Sunshine!

I have been singing that all morning. It is just glorious when the sun shines but more so after over 2 weeks of cloudy and rainy weather. The gardens are great! Mine is so much more mature, it is spilling out in a feast of greenery. Now too, there are flowers.

Yesterday Mark and I went to a wholesale "Rock" place. We picked out several river rocks and some gneiss (?). Mark then dug out an area by the steps that are closest to the city sidewalk. He made a beautiful rock garden. Later we planted phlox and some annuals for colour. There was already mature sedum there from last year. My neighbor across the street gave us a bunch of wonderful mature plants that have really taken off this year. I am glad that we could benefit from her restless nature. She has a sloped yard with rocks and gardens that she changes the plants in every year. She just loves gardening and has lots of knowledge and good tools!

I am busy trying to transform my own "inner landscape". I do notice this new chemo as far as side effects but not nausea. That is the best thing. I also do not have to take the steroids so my mood is more stable, actually more authentic. I have started to tune in with my own rhythms and dreams. It is really great!! I didn't realize how far off the "Deborah track" I had gotten. I still have muted energy so have trimmed down my goals to simple, managable tasks that I can succeed with. I am afraid to even tell you my goals because my energy might sap me and then I would have a failure to talk about. It is important to be successful and to know that I am every day. Yeah I realize life is messy and "failures" happen. I am not into punishment and shame but chocolate is okay.

I have been writing a little. I was trying to write every day. When I can, it is a daily goal. I thought you might like to read a recent poem. As always for me it comes down to what my essense, for me, Soul, is up to. I love the rhythm of this poem. I will sign off here as I can hear breakfast calling.

Love,
Deborah

Polished By God’s Love


It is said, “The mill of God grinds
Exceedingly well”
The wheel of my life turns
Round and Round
Sometimes out of round
Fast or slow
Forward motion.

Along the way are surprises
I slow down to gaze.
Sometimes my gear mechanism
Goes “Ker-thunk”!
And for some time I stop.

My body halts yet
My mind continues forward
Rattled and shaken
As in a bad auto crash.

When I recover from shock
I stop to feel
To re-group
To reflect
To recover my pieces

So far, my mechanism self repairs
And soon I am on the road again.
The wheel of my life turns
Round and Round.
Sometimes out of round
Forward motion.

The Mill wheel grinds
I am polished by God’s Love!

Thursday, May 12, 2005 7:38 AM CDT

Greetings,

It is rainy and cool today. I had to turn the heat back on yesterday. The cats are huddled in their winter positions and I hope my newly sprouted plants are happy. I did about 8 hours of gardening on Sunday. I took a couple of breaks, got a sunburn and had fun. Some of the yard had salt burn from the winter ice and snow. I loosened up the dirt, removed the thatch and planted some grass seed. Now it is so cold, I wonder if it will come up. I took a break to visit the nursery and get a few plants for the flower boxes. That was really fun.

I was disappointed to learn that my tumor marker has gone up again, necessitating a change in chemo regimen. I was tearful at Dr. Carson's office. I just got hit with the "why me's". I am still sad about it but will even out a little as time goes on.

My new chemo is oral. No visits to the hospital. It is two weeks on and two weeks off. I am hoping it will not be so nauseating. I think my hair is coming out now too so that just adds to my distress. Like I said, I will get over this...it just is a time when I am feeling a lot. I think hair thinning is associated with this new chemo so it will be back to my wig or scarves/hats. I have always managed to have hair in the summer and wonder how hot head coverings will be.

My appetite is gone, I suppose from cancer growth. Usually I would welcome this change from my voracious steroid induced appetite, but I feel distressed about this too. My weight has gone up steadily and I want to move that down at least 10 pounds. The good news is I don't have to take steroids with this new chemo so maybe can eat more reasonably and NOT have the emotional ups and downs, sleeplessness and stomach pain that I get from the steroids.

There are two bright spots in life now. My girlfriends from MO are here to visit me. Four of them braved the 10 hour drive and will be here about 3 days. It is so nice to see them. We will also have dinner with another dear friend who just turned 50 yesterday. I am looking forward to that. I am fortunate to have such good friends both here and afar. If any of you wanted to check in with me...I would say now is the time. I feel that I need support. I am so tired emotionally.

Well...have a warm day today. Maybe where you live it is warmer and sunny. It will be rainy and in the 40s here. I will pretend I am in Arizona or Florida. Warm clothes help too.

More later,
Deborah

PS check out the pictures. Mark built me a new vanity. It took him 2 weeks and it is beautiful. What a guy!!

Tuesday, May 3, 2005 7:41 PM CDT

Greetings,

Life has moved along and I with it!! My week of chemo was difficult and the following week I prepared to go to Arizona to see my family. I am back now and can report it was a wonderful trip. Only 6 days but good to see everyone and share time.

I really love the walks in the desert behind my folk's retirement complex. I had another "snake encounter", but this one was not alive. It was a rattlesnake lying in the middle of the dirt road. I immediately turned back and am sure I had a little adrenalin rush. I did want to go on the walk so I turned back around, after all there was no rattling sound and I thought he was dead. I decided to use the cowgirl method of deciding. I found a rock and threw it. The snake did not move and no rattles were heard. I bravely walked by at a fast clip. I noticed upon my return, there were several rocks in about a 3 foot diameter area around the snake. I see other cowgirls had been by.

I am feeling rather well this week. I am excited about that. Even after the trip I feel good. Life is a little rosier when I feel well!

Hope all is well with you.
Happy Spring!
Deborah

Friday, April 22, 2005 11:35 AM CDT

Greetings,

This was chemo week and I am still feeling the discomfort of it all. It is subtle yet present. I am sitting with Maseka at the computer and she is heating herself up on the modem. It is warm, flat and just her size. We had had so many warm days I decided to turn the heat off. Well...as a wimp would, I turned it back on today. It was pretty cool for sleeping last night though.

We celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary this past week. We went out of town to Galena IL. It was great fun. We rested a lot, ate out at a nice restaurant, had a nice hotel room and walked around in this cute little town. It was Usslys S Grants hometown and was his birthday celebration this week. There was a "period" encampment near the river and they had all the appropriate clothes and cannons. It was a little loud at times. There was a ball and a dinner with the Generals of the Civil War. I think those sounded fun but my energy was not good so we had a lot of early nights.

I included some pictures of the trip. Enjoy.

More Later.
Deborah

Thursday, April 14, 2005 1:23 PM CDT

Hello,
Just a short note. My tumor marker was down again, 392. Only 78 points this time. Dr. Carson proposed increasing my chemo dose a little as I have been having some symptoms of increasing tumor marker. I agreed and hope it is just the thing.

Otherwise we are getting ready to go on a weekend trip to celebrate 10 years of marriage. It will be fun. There are so many things to prepare so that we can leave. Mark is busy finishing some business concerns and I am cleaning house and packing.

I put some new pictures on this site a couple of weeks ago. Maseka getting into trouble again.

More later,
Deb

Sunday, April 10, 2005 8:09 AM CDT

Greetings,

Spring has sprung and I have been enjoying that tired feeling one gets from working in the yard and garden. I ambitiously raked the leaves that mulched my garden beds on Friday. That night the weather forecaster said somethiing like, "All you gardeners, don't be tempted to do too much yet because we can still have frost until May 15th." So I am hoping for no frost because the blankets are pulled back and new little sprouts might get cold.

The squirrels are active. I could hear them jumping on the "squirrel proof" bird feeder that we have...and falling off. OWWW. It is a beautiful morning and the yard is starting to look like my summer yard, green grass and open flower beds. It is, as always, just like me...a work in progress.

I have had a strange week. It has been unusally busy and I have been very fatigued. I wonder if it is just the getting up early and doing things differently that has made the difference. I hope so. I get a little anxious when I am extra tired and have to wonder why. Sometimes fatigue is my only clue to an increasing tumor marker. I try not to go there immediately, but I find myself wandering and wondering. I will find out on Wednesday. Next week is another busy week with appointments, work and a weekend trip planned.

Maseka had a fight with Sheila last weekend and got her toenail caught in something. Not Sheila. Anyway it bled and we had to take her to the emergency vet for an overpriced visit. She fortunately did not have a laceration, just a pulled nail. He trimmed it back and dressed it. We were told to put antibiotic ointment on it everyday and dress it. The dressing looked like a little boot. She hated it and shook her foot frequently. She did that so much that I would hear her shaking her boot in the middle of the night. She still can be seen shaking her foot even though the boot is gone. Many days she had it off in about 5 seconds. We got better at taping it and she would plot, shake and lick it all day. Finally she would get it off. She would take a little hair with it each time, so she has a little hair missing from her leg now. Her toe looks great and she is so much happier without her boot.

Until next week, I will close. I will report my tumor marker to you and hopefully it is good news. If it is not, I will make something good out of it. The cup is really half full, it always has been.

More Later,
Deborah

Sunday, March 27, 2005 1:12 PM CST

Happy Easter to those who celebrate!

It has been a good week for a chemo week. I mean, I felt good. There were some unusual events in our family, both fathers having some health issues. I know that our family rests in God's hands and I am at peace. Until more data is retrieved, we will not know the next step so resting at peace seems to be the action that beckons.

Chemo was good. I had my usual migraine headaches and am still wondering how I might efectively deal with those. I saw a neurologist and received several sample meds to try. I tried one of them and that worked, but I waited too long to try it and maybe it would have worked better if I had taken it "as directed", instead of waiting. I have trouble accepting a need to take medication to treat side effects of medication. An issue for me to peruse, to be sure.

We had an Eckankar seminar this week. It was 4 days long and I got to go to a few sessions. I went to 2 writers workshops. It was so fun! I also went to the main program on Saturday night and heard Harold Klemp speak, the highlight of the seminar for me, to be sure. I was inspired to write more in the future. I tend to write a lot anyway, but with no direction except to learn more about myself and my journey home to God. One of the classes was a poetry class. I can feel many poems who want to come out now! More later on that.

We lost our little betta, Santosha this week. It was sad. The "three wise men", that is what I call the tetras who also live in the tank, are fine so far. I think we will have to try another betta because they are so interactive and personable. The wise men just dart around with no concern for human contact. Our betta came to the window to look at us when we talked to him!

Maseka and the brown ones are feeling fine. Everyone is settling in to the new feeding schedule. Maseka is gaining weight slowly and Sheila looks better too. Butch shouldn't be gaining weight, but he is. I fear he will get too fat for his kitty door to the basement. Everyone is enjoying the warm Spring afternoons, lying in the sun on the porch. Ah...Spring.

Hope all is well with you on this special day,
Love,
Deborah

Wednesday, March 16, 2005 4:27 PM CST

Greetings,

Happy Wednesday!

I had my appointment at Dr. Carson's office today. More good news! My tumor marker has come down again. It is 470 now. Not quite as big a drop as I had hoped, but it is going in the right direction. So the plan is to continue the Ifosfamide, which I have next week.

It has been a fun week. I have mostly hung out around the house a lot. I am trying to fatten Maseka up. I have discovered through trial and error that she does best with 4-5 small frequent meals. It is labour intensive but starting to pay off. I am amazed at how fast she seems to utilize the food. Overnight I can feel her boney structures and by evening she feels a little meatier. I have started feeding Sheila 3 times a day too. She is looking less thin. So I think my plan is working.

It has beautifully sunny here but cold. I get out to walk and occasionally swim...not nearly as much as last fall. I look longingly at the garden and will enjoy some time there in a few months. I hear the bulbs are up in Oklahoma.
I am happy for them. It will be here soon.

My mechanicals continue to speak to me. This time it is the TV. "Snow" started to appear in the picture (so we still have the cold theme happening). It started in a 3 inch band horizontally then moves to moving diagonal snow.
It tends to go away when the TV is off awhile. Then it returns. The other night I was watching a movie and it was snowy. The two girl cats got into a fight and I jumped up and stomped on the floor to get them to stop. I discovered the snow improved. I tested this further and know that if I jump hard on the floor right by the TV the snow goes away completely for a small amount of time. Mark was very impressed with my discovery. We have decided that we will get another TV eventually, after all the house is 90 years old and a sagging floor would be harder to fix. After all my jumping around...the floor may be the next to complain.

Well...next week is chemo and I am trying to rev up for it. It is my least favourite part of the ride.

Take care and have a good week,
Deborah

Thursday, March 3, 2005 7:55 PM CST

Happy Thursday,

I am finally starting to feel better from last week's chemo. I think it is dragging on a bit longer each time as far as feeling bad. Maybe I am just weary of it all. I did work 2 days so far this week and am scheduled for the weekend. I like working, it reminds me I am still useful.

I have an update on my waking dream about the leaking coolant. I noticed last week it was still leaking, just a bit. I took it in and yes...it was the rear coolant hose leaking. The bad news...they had to take out the motor to get to it. So it was a costly hose repair.

Here is another similiar story. I was reaching under the sink and noticed everything was wet. BIG SIGH...another leak. Since Marco is in charge of repairing these, I pulled all of the stuff out from that cabinet. Marco checked it and it was the cold water valve leaking. So...another leak that required pulling out everything to discover. And it was related to cold also. I am wondering what it all means. I will be watching my inner cold water hoses and valves!! I just hope I don't have to take out the motor to fix it.

We had a fun family lunch for my brother-in-law's birthday. Mark's cousin brought his 9 month old baby. She is soo cute and fun! I bet I will have a picture of her and I next week so you must check. Mark's mother slways takes pictures.

This is about all my news today. Hope all is well with you.

Love,
Deborah

Friday, February 18, 2005 9:16 AM CST

Good Morning,

This week I had good news again. My tumor marker came down to 715. That is half of what it was last month. I was thinking that it was probably down, but one never knows I guess. The day I saw Dr. Carson the tumor marker wasn’t back, so we had a chance to talk about the plan of action if it went up. I think at this point that would be increasing the chemo dose. So I was prepared for next week…knowing that I would get the same chemo. On Thursday when I called for my result my heart hammered in my chest. I was anxious. Upon hearing it was down I cried. I guess the roller coaster gets to you when the line to get on is long and you have had more time to look at the ride.

We have had a nice calm week. No more banging mechanicals or leaking autos. It has just gently moved along, me doing my usual routines and Mark getting good time at the easel. He is really in the flow this week and that is a blessing.

Since we aren’t having much in the way of winter here…I am looking forward to Spring. We have had a drought so I think it may rain more then. Of course I look forward to seeing how much work is involved with my new garden beds. I am visualizing it all now. Mark got me some tulips for Valentine’s Day and a cute bracelet that I had my eye on.

The cats too have settled into their new feeding routine. They are still energetic and “circle the wagons” while we are in the kitchen anticipating people food. It is so much different then when they were on the dry food only. They never considered asking for our food. Our small kitchen seems so much smaller when 3 cats are in there talking and stalking.

For now I will close. I hope all is well with you.

Deborah

Sunday, February 13, 2005 6:18 PM CST

Dear Friends,

It has been another great week. We have spent some time looking at washers and dryers, bought and returned a DVR that didn't work, got a VCR/DVD player that does and now we are set as far as TV and movies. Since that is a form of entertainment that does not involve crowds, sneezing and coughing, it is a good option for our household. It also forces me to rest when I choose to watch something. That I think, is a good thing.

I worked this week and that was great. I also got lots of brisk walks in. It has just been great.

I see Dr. Carson on Wednesday. I am curious about my tumor marker. I hope to see another decline in the number. Most of the time I have a reading on whether it will be going up or down. This week I feel neutral on that. I hope it is down. It is a good sign that I am not having symptoms of the cancer growing.

The family is fine. All the cats have been more aggressive since the addition of wet food. They all go into the kitchen when we are cooking to get a handout. Their food time is a time for all three to be crying and expressing their need to be fed promptly. Maseka is playing more, chasing Sheila, picking fights and talking more (if that were possible). Butch tried to get in Mark's plate the other day while he was eating. Sheila is just more of her curious, talkative and active self. The vomiting is way better. I think everyone was dehydrated. A new sort of balance has returned.

The fish are good too. We love our new aquarium. It is in the bedroom. So calming. I am learning how to care for it, clean it and I am in charge of feeding the fish. We have a maroon and blue Beta named Santosha, which means contentment. He really is a sweetie, coming to the side when spoken to, or just coming over when you are looking in at him. The other three just moved in. They are tetras with red tails. They dart about with lightening speed. Either Santosha can't catch them or he really is content to just leave them alone. I am happy that they are at peace.

Happy Valentine's Day tomorrow.

More later,
Deborah

Friday, February 4, 2005 10:33 AM CST

Greetings,

It has been a good week. I am feeling really fine! It seems like life has been full but not stressful.

I took my friend Maseka to the vet this week. She had been losing weight and vomiting for a while. I had experimented with a new food and thought that was it.

I gave her Rescue Remedy and she was as sweet as pie for the vet. She only hissed once. He did a thorough exam and some blood work. She apparently has mild kidney disease. Now she must have wet cat food, a kidney glandular and fish oil everyday. After just 4 days of wet food she is filling out, has the energy of a younger version of herself and is picking fights with Sheila. All is well. Sheila, by the way, is next to see the Dr. as she has the same problems. Butch has only gotten fatter with the addition of wet food.

Other news. I had a visit with my Electro-dermal Screening practitioner. I had expected I would be out of balance in several meridians, as I had not seen him for a while. I was very pleased to see that only ONE of the 12 he tested was out of balance. I came home with some homeopathics and a realization that I must be doing the right remedies and supplements to keep myself in balance through the assault of chemotherapy. I recently started a new supplement to increase NK cells so maybe that too has an effect. I also have been getting almost weekly acupuncture. If one must take poison, stoke up the cells and organism to bear it. That is my theory.

I seem to be having a waking dream with the mechanicals in my life. My SUV seemed to be leaking a green liquid. I took it in and of course, they could not find a leak. Mark did fill the coolant up a while back, but I didn’t see the leak until a week later.

Our VCR died so Mark brought up one of the replacements. (He has about 4 in the basement from when he did some video work). The next one doesn’t work either. We have 2 more to try. I am sure if I took any one of the ones that don’t work in to be fixed, they would magically start working.

Finally, last weekend I was sitting in the office, which is right over the laundry room. I had started a load and the water was filling. After it filled and it was time to start agitating the clothes, there was a loud (as in sonic—ha ha) boom. The washer quit. I could not get it to work. I took the clothes to a Laundromat. A service person came out on Tuesday and guess what…it worked just fine.

I will have to contemplate what this means. I must be ignoring something for my mechanicals to start talking to me!

It is supposed to be 50 today. I want to get out in it and celebrate Friday! Hope your life is going well.

Deborah

Thursday, January 20, 2005 10:22 AM CST

Greetings All!

All of us are connected. Maybe this is something that we don’t think about very often, but a truth, at least for me. I hope you all felt a little “jump for joy” yesterday about 11:00AM CST. That is when Linda Carson came in smiling and handed me some good news. My tumor marker dropped by half to 1400! She and I were ecstatic. I think I have such a sensitive tumor marker. We have witnessed its wide swings. I was glad that this chemo was helping.

Just last weekend I was shopping at Mall of America for 5 hours with my friend Debra. She commented on the way home that I have more energy than I did last fall. I noticed it too. We both agreed that we felt this chemo had worked to reduce the cancer. I cheered a little inwardly, but let the happy idea go up in a balloon into the ethers…no longer attached. That is a little visualization I do sometimes when I want to release an outcome to God. I did feel at peace, knowing that either way the tumor marker goes I would find an answer when it was time. I must admit that I slept well the night before my Dr. visit. That is a good indication of my level of peace. I did notice anxiety as I got into the car to go to the Dr. I watched it sneak into my consciousness like a mouse. My heart rate sped up, I felt that emptiness in my chest and a feeling of “what if doom” in my stomach. In about 2 minutes I recognized it and laughed. Up goes the ”balloon of doom”. If I had to celebrate anything right now it would be that moment. Letting go and letting God is a moment-to-moment practice sometimes. It is measured by my breathe, my vibration and the light in my eyes.

I have chemo again next week. This one has been challenging as far as nausea but I am hoping to rearrange some anti-nausea meds and change that side effect. Meanwhile I know it is all over in a week. Then I have the next three to feel good.

Since we are connected, join me in a little moment of celebration. After you read this, visualize me if you want and smile. I am smiling back with light in my eyes.

Love,
Deborah
PS...Will try to get a picture on the site. Just a nice picture my mother-in-law took of "Nanook of the North" and his Wife!

Sunday, January 9, 2005 12:43 AM CST

Greetings,

It has been a wonderful week. Oh so wonderful to be nausea free. I even swam this week. Ah to enjoy lifes pleasures!!

I have noticed lately that I have really been enjoying life, for the most part. I have repeatedly said at the end of a day, "This has been the best day of my life!". Even seemingly ordinary days have that quality and I am so awed by it that I must comment! I have to think that this chemo is having a good effect. At least shall we say, it has an effect alright. I have been relfecting this past week on past events...something January seems to bring out in me. I know January seems to be a time for resolutions and for me too that is true. But first I like to see where I have been.

Anyway, it has been a great year! It was wonderful to be in remission for a few months, to travel to see family and friends, to exercise freely and to be gifted in so many ways.

This week I will be working a couple of days, focusing on goals and direction,
working on taxes and enjoying life. No bood tests or planned Dr. visits this week.

Hope your week is grand!

Deborah

Sunday, January 2, 2005 9:56 AM CST

Happy New Year!!

2005 started for us with a planned trip out of town. Our good friends had offered their cabin and since Marco has been working fiercely this holiday season, we decided to go there and just do nothing. It was a fine plan. Since we were driving and have a BIG vehicle...we can take everything and the kitchen sink. And so we did. I can't understand that about us. My neighbors went to Thailand with 3 carry ons...small ones. WE take the whole tamale every time.

So it started out slow, packing and such. We had a wonderful drive, talking and laughing. We are blessed to have such fun together. We missed the turn off by 17 miles and had to call for directions. It was still just the best to be together!

Our friends gave us good directions about how to "open up " the cabin including turning the water pump on. We did everything as directed and settled down to watch a movie. It was relaxing until...Marco went over to the sink in the kitchen to get some water and....NO water. We checked the whole process to make sure we did not miss a step. We called our friends and they were not available. By this time I had to use the facilities and with no water it looked like a trip into town or...pack up and leave. We scurried to pack and get everything turned off. Into the car we went. Now, this part of WI had had a snowfall and a big melt when it got into the 40s last Thursday. The temperature had plummetted again (it is, after all, winter in the North). Now the dirt road was a sheet of ice and all the driveways the same. So we headed home with just the right speed, fast enough to get up hills and slow enough not to slide in ditches.

Did I mention the forcasted snow/ice storm? Well...that hit us on the way home and Mark was slowly driving as it rained, sleeted, freezing rained, and was just plain ugly. We made it home in good shape and had a few laughs about our adventure. Was I ever glad to get home.

The cats were happy to see us. Their food bowls were full and their bellies fat. It must seem like Heaven to them. We made a fun dinner then watched a movie. A wonderful end to the day.

Today the frozen sleet is collected on the sidewalks, about an inch and a half. It is harder than snow to remove because it is frozen into place. Earlier this year we went in with our neighbors to hire snow removal. We had to pay for 5 months and these first 2 there have been no snowfalls that he is contracted to clear. I was out trying to get the driveway opened up for Mark to go to the temple today and my neighbor came out and lamented about the money spent so far and the lack of snow. Mark did not want me to continue working out there and he wanted to go to church so he called the snowplowing guy and he was on his way to us next!! I am so glad he would help out even when it is below the number of inches for him to come. I love hearing the sound of his shovel scrape, scrape, scraping!

For those of you who wonder of my treatment this past week...it was not so pleasant on Thursday, but better than last time. This is a powerful treatment schedule. I think when I get chemo more than one day in a row there is a higher nausea potential. Anyway, I hope this is working because it is difficult to get through and I would like to see some benefit from this.

For now I will close. Hope all is well with you.

Deborah

Thursday, December 23, 2004 8:44 PM CST

Greetings,

It has been a great week. I have finally felt wonderful. Just in time for another chemo treatment next week.

I saw my dear Dr. Carson yesterday. We discussed my recent CT scan which had a change from my usual "negative" status. It is something we will watch and see it become negative again as the cancer recedes. Meanwhile it has no effect on the treatment plan. I will continue with this chemo, Ifex. It is an old one actually, but a new one for me. My first treatment was okay except for nausea and we will try new meds and change around some old ones and see if we can not have that side effect as bad. I am a little like a "Mexican Hairless" right now. Have been learning about eyebrow paint and powder. I treated myself to a new lipstick shade too. Gotta do what I can to feel as beautiful outside as I do inside! My tumor marker jumped again too...I was pleased that it did not go up 1000 points. It did go up but just a few hundred. I think it was on the upswing, going up by 1000 per month, so maybe the Ifex had a halting effect on it. Remember it takes 2 months to know if it is working according to Dr. C.

I told Dr. Carson I still want to be counted as one of her ovarian cancer patients who have a permant remission. She told me (long ago) that she can count those patients on one hand. I reminded her of this at our visit and told her I am going to be on that hand! It is good to have a goal to work towards and it is my desire, though the outcome rests in God's hands.

It has been fun to speak with many of you, get holiday greetings and gifts. We are having Mark's family over for brunch for Christmas. I think it should be fun.

For those of you who observe the Christian Holiday, Merry Christmas! For those who do not, Greetings of the Season! May each celebrate the Gifts of God with Spiritual Freedom! There are many kinds of us and many ways to seek and know God's Love. If you are sad or hurting this season ask for help. It will be there for you. Remember, as Soul we are loved by God. What a gift!

Take Care my dear ones. I am grateful for all of you and all you bring to my life.

Love, In Spirit,
Deborah

Wednesday, December 8, 2004 11:21 PM CST

Seasons Greetings,

Today I had a CT scan. I had to have steroids as a pre-med, so here it is 1130PM and I am doing fun projects. I wanted to post some pictures for you.

First a little story. Mark decided that we really needed a Christmas tree. We stopped at our local nursery and looked at trees. I found my favourite kind of tree and it is beautifully shaped. Smells soo wonderful. It seemed like a good size and in our price range so we bought it. Well...it is over 7 feet tall and looks like "the tree that ate Deb and Mark's house". It does fit. Anything would after a fashoin. We moved some furniture to get it in place and it is so beautiful. Everything you could hope for in a tree.

I thought I would show it to you. I was inspired by the steroid energy and got Mark on board to take some pictures. I have been preparing them for you so here they are.

May your days be merry....
Love,
Deb

Monday, December 6, 2004 11:43 AM CST

Greetings,

It has been one rough week. Lots of nausea. Very unpleasant. I had chemo 4 days in a row and the nausea persisted for a few more days. It is so tiring. It makes it hard to smile or feel normal.

Today fortunately I feel better. I still have a bad taste in my mouth that I hope will get better every day. I get to work today so I look forward to that. Otherwise I have been doing some light housework. I though about exercising today...it has been awhile since I have done anything. I did dance last night with Mark and we both were out of breath! Lots of fun.

We finally had a little more snow. Because of the jet stream it has been very warm and no snow. I love snow...love watching it fall and walking in it. I think it helps keep me sane, the snow. The grass is still green at our house too...which has been weird.

I know this is short but I still am still running half speed so will close and hopefully be ready for work at 3.

Happy December!
Deborah

Sunday, November 28, 2004 3:02 PM CST

Hello All,

It has been an interesting couple of weeks. I have been recovering from a sinus infection. I am finally having less cough, drainage and sleeping. Finally I am sleeping. I have such a hard time with that when I have any kind of URI. I remember last week when I took a nap and actually had a dream. I had been sleeping before that in 2 hour snatches and not dreaming. I knew when I dreampt I was on my way to getting better. The antibiotics haven't hurt either in that regard.

I am not sure if I said last time I wrote, but my tumor marker is on the rise again. I am feeling some subtle symptoms of cancer growth and was scheduled to start a new chemo last week. Because of the cold I had to wait until this week. I have had time to look up the new chemo. I am a little anxious about getting it but am confidant that I will be fine with it after I get used to its unique side effects. I don't really have an opinion about it one way or the other, just anxious to get started on it and get the first day over with. The schedule for this one is 4 sequential days and repeat every 4 weeks as my bone marrow allows. I hope I do okay with the 4 days of steroids in a row. I have saved some projects, like cleaning out a messy area by my desk here at home. It is full of papers that require going through and clearing out unnecessary stuff. That will be a good "on steroids" project. Maybe one that can be done at 3:00 AM!

I remain hopeful that someway along my path I will meet the right conditions for a complete healing. The possibility is there, I know.

Have a wonderful week,
Deborah

Wednesday, November 17, 2004 10:42 PM CST

Greetings My Friends,

What a busy and eventful couple of days. I have had a lot of info sent my way and haven't felt well through the process. It all started on Monday night when I developed a sore throat. It was sore all night and by Tuesday AM I had a fever. I went to MICC for some bloodwork and a throat culture. Then I went home. At home I began to chill and had a fever greater than 38 degrees C. Whenever that happens they want me to call the Dr. This prompts a trip to the Emergency Room for blood cultures and a work-up for infection. So I spent the next 5 hours at Fairview University Hospital getting tested and laying on a hard cart with a fever. I was relieved to have a nice healthy white blood cell count which means my body was fighting the invasion.

I had a regularly scheduled appointment with Dr. Carson today. I knew it would be a long one because my tumor marker went up to 2165. A change of chemo is in order with that kind of result. We talked about the new plan and she answered some questions that had been on my mind. The new chemo has a different schedule than the old and has required some schedule changes and plan changes. I am hoping it will be a less gruelling schedule than the once a week schedule I was on before. It seems to have many of the same side effects of the other chemos I have been on and an additional one that sounds kinda yucky. I will be wearing the wig for awhile. I haven't really felt anxious about the new med regime. Am I getting used to new meds? Dr. Carson said the magic words about it "well-tolerated", so I hope that means I will do well on it. I would have usually looked it up on the internet by now and could tell all about it, but I just don't feel up to par with this sore throat. I am hopeful that I will have a good result with it.

I wanted to send out an update to you. Keep in touch and I hope you are all doing well.

More Later,
Deborah

Wednesday, November 10, 2004 10:55 AM CST

Greetings,

I have been contemplating attachment and surrender this past week. It is always interesting how Spirit seems to send something my way to add another point of view. Sometimes I tend to stay static...looking in one direction, when a slight turn reveals a beautiful vista of hope and love.

Anyway my thoughts have been on my mantra these days...God's Will Be Done and what that really means to me. I like that prayer about changing what I can, accepting what I can't and the wisdom to know the difference. My challenge lies behind door number three...knowing the difference. Yet there lies also my greatest blessing.

So yesterday I was at chemo and picked up the most recent Yoga Journal (December 2004). There is an article called "The Tyranny of Expectations" and that sparked my interest. It is written from an Eastern point of view philosphically, yet so many of the points are universal and touch my life as well.

The author speaks about expectations and possibilities. I want to pass along some of this article. See if it speaks to you.

"Look for Possibilities"
"One distinction is critical for you to understand if you work with expectations: the difference between expectations and possibilities. Expectations assume a certain result and are future based. They actually narrow your options, retard your imagination and blind you to possibilities. They create pressure in your life and hold your present sense of well-being hostage to a future that may or may not happen. Expectations create rigidity in your life and cause you to react impulsively to any perceived threat to that future that you believe you deserve.
"When you are controlled by your expectations, you are living a contingent life, you cannot be free to be in the present moment. You cannot be happy with a beautiful sunset or a moment of warmth between you and another; instead every experience is interpreted in the context of an expected future. Can you feel how enslaving this is to you? It would be one thing in fact if you could control the future, but is that the case? I suspect not. To deny the truth of life is a fool's errand and is costly to your well-being.
"In contrast to expectations, possibilities are based in the present moment, where you are alive to the mystery of life. You live as fully as you can in the present moment based on your values, which reflect your preferences for the future, but you do not assume that the future will come to pass, because you realize that the future is unknown. Being open to the possibilities acknowledges that what you may think you want changes with time, or that there is another future that will bring you equal or more happiness, or that the future may turn bleak, or that you may die before any future can unfold. Real joy, then, is that which is available to you right now.
"Living a life that is open to possibilities is more like a request, a prayer, or an act of witnessing your faith in life. Your well-being is not contingent on the future. Your mind is open and inspired in this moment. Your therefore have more access to imagination and intuition. Your mine is clear and less reactive, and you make better decisions. You respond rather than react to like as it unfolds."

This solidifies my prayer "Thy Will Be Done". I use this prayer all the time. I certainly have goals and preferences. It is when I am attached to the outcomes that I am unhappy. So I am learning to Trust In God. I have always asked those who wish to "pray for me" to just ask that God's Will Be Done. I think that prayer is at the heart of possibilies and allows God the power to hold my heart and direction in His hands. Thank you for reading this and if you choose to join me in my prayer I thank you for your awareness of possibilities.

Much Love, In Spirit,
Deborah

Sunday, October 31, 2004 3:06 PM CST

Greetings,
Wow...what a week. I hardly know what to say. Let's start with my back. It is much better. I have decreased the pain meds and am smiling more. My friend Deb gave me an acupuncture treatment yesterday and it feels better today. I think there will be more time needed for it to heal to "yoga healthy" status. Someone said to me, "Gee I wonder what your back injury means?" I was in so much continual pain that I didn't really care what it meant. I can more easily reflect on that now so I must be better!

I worked this week with a fair amount of ease. Chemo was fine...the usual side effects and hopefully effectively attacking cancer. It has been less of a focus this week due to the back pain.

I have had so many emotions this week. I still get pulled around by the steroids...up the first 2 days and plunged into sadness the next 2. By Saturday I start to recover my usual sunny attitude. The ups and downs are tiring, I guess they reflect the the ups and downs of my life and tumor marker. Cycles...if I can just ride them out and not be jerked out of balance by them. That is a challenge and should, by now be an effective tool in my toolbox. Maybe I need an updated tool or more practice using my tool!

Well...I will close for now. Happy Halloween!

Deborah

Thursday, October 21, 2004 9:41 AM CDT

Greetings,

It has been awhile since I have written. A lot has happened. Last week I had a cold and missed my chemo as a result. I spent time resting, avoiding work for the first time since I have been back to work part time. I don't like to miss work for any reason. I just like to be normal and that makes me feel more normal.

It seems this week I have been dealing with losses. My tumor marker went up to 1225. I expected it to go up a bit as I knew it was on an upward trend...but going up 1000 points wasn't what I expected. I guess with this disease process, expect the unexpected. I think my reaction was muted by the appearance of low back pain, mostly gluteal. It started after yoga on Sunday then was better on Monday. However...Tuesday it was very bad and I had trouble getting from sitting to standing. This pain required strong pain relievers and rest. It was a little scarey not to be able to get upright from sitting in a pain free and timely manner.

So my focus was on the pain and my greatest loss is that I cannot do my yoga. I know that may sound small compared to my tumor marker going up and all that may mean....it's just that I believe we will find an answer to the tumor marker and that number goes up and down all the time. Plus we haven't given this new chemo it's 2 month chance. Up and Down goes my number... Am I getting immune to it's roller coaster effect???

But I really love the yoga. I have gotten so strong from it and my legs and arms are shaping up. Plus the pain is not pleasant. I saw the Dr. and have in mind a plan for waiting this injury out. It will heal, he assures me and that involves time. Since I want to squeeze life into every moment I have, I am sad about the loss of yoga. But it will return.

Now another loss...yes...my hair is leaving in handfuls. Woke up with hair in my mouth and on the bed today. I will have it closely cropped this AM and will be getting another wig. I still have the old one, just wanted a little variety. Still...losing yoga tops losing hair. Maybe this injury was a nice way to keep the other loses into perspective.

Please check the site for a picture of my new hair. If I can get it there. We got a new op system and I am still getting used to moving the photos around.

The gifts in my life are many...my wonderful husband and family. Lots of supportive friends and my Dr.s and care providers. I am full!

More Later with the Love that flows from the Divine,
Deborah

Thursday, October 7, 2004 7:36 PM CDT

Hello,

This was my second week of Taxol. So far so good. Last week on Friday I started having marked joint and bone pain. So I am anticipating that tomorrow. I didn't take much in the way of pain relievers last week but will try some tylenol this week.

All in all it has been a great week. I haven't done any thing special, but in so many ways every day is special. We have had some cold weather followed by a little higher than normal temperatures. We put the down comforter on and now it is too hot at night for it. Maseka loves it though. She is spending a lot of time in the bed.

My garden still is hanging in there. I brought in the tropical plants (star Jasmine) and the huge begonia. I was out watering last night and know that there will be tasks ahead to "put the garden to be" for the winter. It is nice to get a little Indian Summer and enjoy it just a little while longer.

I have still been doing my yoga and walking most every day. Have spent some time with my neighbor and her new baby. He is so sweet and I get to hold him. He seems to like to be held. What a sweetie!

I started back to work this week. It was good to be there. I will go tomorrow evening for my 4 hour shift. I love working. I like to feel useful.

More later with Love,
Deborah

Friday, October 1, 2004 7:17 AM CDT

Hello!

I had chemo on Tuesday and have so far felt good. I have the usual response to the steroids, the ups and downs. What a roller coaster.

Today I am going on a drive with Marco. He has an order to deliver and it is about a 3 hour drive. It will be fun. We had to get up early get there and neither of us slept well. I think when one does not get up to an alarm clock often it is disconcerting to know that sleep will be interrupted by one.

Otherwise the week is going along grandly. I go back to work next week after a month off. What a good month it was too.

Hope all is well with you.
Deborah

Monday, September 27, 2004 8:56 AM CDT

Dear Ones,

Here is my news. After I wrote my last note I decided to get my tumor marker done early. I was having pelvic pain again and knew what that indicated. I got my blood drawn on Wednesday. My marker went up to 226. I believe I will start chemo on Tuesday, it has yet to be formally approved by Dr. Carson. She was out of town last week. We had already set a plan for the next agent when I saw her last month..so I don't think she will have a problem with me starting it without seeing her.

That means tomorrow I start. It will be a weekly chemo, 7 weeks on and one week off as my bone marrow will allow. I will get blood tests every week before chemo. I also will initally have to have steroids with this chemo. I am not in favour of that and as soon as possible we will get the steroids out of the treatment plan. They give those to prevent anaphylactic reaction. Since I have had this drug before I think the chances of that are slim.

Ah...how do I feel about all of this? I was sad that my own body failed me once again. I did not spend much time feeling sorry for myself though. I know the statistics are against me on that one (spontaneous remission). I am glad to know that there is a treatment that we hope will work. I am not a big fan of the pain that I have been having. It is not continuous pain so nothing major. But very attention getting.

So I am gearing up for more of the same treatment, precautions, energy changes and side effects. Here we go again. It is less of a roller coaster as far as emotion and fear of the unknown. More like a familiar drive in the car...a long drive.

I wanted to say a few words about my friend of one year. I met Adrienne at Clinic St George in Germany. I had an immediate connection to her and her twin sister, Anna. Ad had cancer also and was doing well. Still getting treatments and was in fact in Mexico last week having treatments. She had a blood clot and died very quickly. I talked to her husband who was with her. She had been doing well...planning a day outing the next day. Ad was full of life, loved to smile and brought so much joy to everyone she met. I know she is continuing to do so in the Other Worlds. I am sad about her passing yet glad that she lived "full steam ahead" until the end. Not such a bad way to go. Peace and Happiness Ad on the next phase of your journey!

And to you all too,
Deborah

Tuesday, September 21, 2004 8:08 PM CDT

Greetings Dear Ones,

I am home from Arizona. It was a great visit. I so enjoyed getting out into the desert and walking every day, the coyotes howling, the rabbits and quail I saw. My time with my parents was good too. I think their new home is great.

I did get down to see my dear friend Katrina. We had such a good time visiting, taking a tram ride in Sabino Canyon, seeing her family and going with Sierra to see her horse. It was all so perfect, like a dream.

This whole time off has been like a dream. I am enjoying being very active. I do some yoga almost every day. I am taking a class at the Y and we just started a new sessin on the 19th. There are 16 people in the class. There were only about 6-8 last session. When there are 16 people to watch I find that she has us stay in the poses a little longer, probably so she can check on everyone. Whew! It was a work out. I am also walking and doing my swimming. It is great to feel so good. I think about all the times in the past couple of years when I haven't been up to so much activity. This is a great blessing. For those of you with healthy bodies, enjoy your activity!

It has been nice to be home. I have been getting some business done and bills paid, a little house cleaning, balancing with rest. It is good to see my Maseka. She has been a little like velcro kitty.

My good friends gave me a benefit garage sale over labour day weekend. It was awesome. A good return of money and a barrel of love from my friends.
Thank you to all who contributed. It will help ease money concerns and I can buy my supplements with ease.

I get my tumor marker tested next Monday and I will see Dr. Carson on Wednesday. I have just started to have some subtle symptoms that I imagine are related to tumor growth. I keep reminding myself that it could be the tumor cells dying and causing irritation. I realize however that these are also the same symptoms I have when my tumor marker goes up. If it is down or the same it will be a miracle.

Speaking of miracles...even if I don't get remission now, I know I am different inside. A change in consciousness is a miracle. I feel like a vessel that has been rubbed by life and is shining, reflecting God's love. I know there has been a major "letting go and letting God" have this process of healing. I have the cancer itself to thank for that change.

Until next week...
Deborah

Friday, September 10, 2004 11:24 AM CDT

Greetings from Arizona,

I am visiting my parents in Arizona. They have moved north of Phoenix, just last weekend. We have had some fun unpacking boxes and getting the kitchen semi started. You never realize how much stuff you have until you move. We have been finding things they forgot they had. I have learned my question of "Do you have _____?", is usually met with the answer, "Somewhere...I just don't know where!"
We are improvising where we can.

Kat...if you are reading this, I am wishing I could make it down to see you. I may be able to swing it, but will depend on how much I need to help out here.

There is a nice unpaved road that runs up a hill behind their complex. I have been walking there for exercise. The first night I went at sunset. The mountians create such a beautiful backdrop for the sunset. I saw quail fighting or mating, rabbits and something big in the distance. Kinda glad it stayed in the distance.

This morning on my walk I went through a pedestrian entrance, (to keep the cattle in), and right out of the gate was a rattlesnake. He was 3 feet long, a baby I suppose. He and I were both startled. He started rattling at me and I went back through the angled entrance. Before I went I told him I wanted him to move so I could continue my walk. Truth be told, I was a little scared he might come after me in a curious way. I waited a few minutes trying to decide what to do as far as continuing with my walk. I decided in a big man, cowboy way, "this desert is big enough for the both of us!". So I tentatively went back through the entrance and he was gone. Wow! That was an experience.

Well I am being paged, better go.

More Later,
Deborah

Monday, August 30, 2004 7:26 AM CDT

DETOUR

I am constantly amazed by the way God talks to Soul. It seems sometimes that Spirit moves mountains to give me a good hike, putting them aside...or in my path. Either way, I am a grateful student of life. Every once and awhile I get a thunk on the head to emphasize the lesson. This happened recently to me and I wanted to share the story.

A few weeks ago I saw a team of little men sweeping my body clear of cancer. They are so cute, in their little white coats. But don't let "cute" fool you, they mean business! They are tireless workers and I see them when I am quiet and in comtemplation mode. Some people who clean always move the furniture to vacumn. That's how these guys work. I know that with transfomation comes breaking down, cleaning up and rebuilding. The debris can be alarming, but the result spectacular.

Here is a story of a "waking dream". On August 19th my little neighborhood, Linden Hills, has had a change. This change has been inconvenient enough that the neighbors are talking about it. A small section of road called Richfield Road has been closed. This road connects Linden Hills to the rest of the world so to speak. It a short segment, a few tenths of a mile, but because we live by 2 lakes, it is the segment that easily connects us to freeway access and just about everywhere else. I had been watching the preparation work, spray paint on the road, big concrete drainage tubes laid along the road, an orange fence to keep the curious who walk around the lake separate, and finally big machinery parked by the road. Finally it closed.

It is funny how habits live on. I have spent the past 2 weeks getting in my car and driving to Richfield Road...going the wrong direction and sometimes getting right to the roadblock before realizing I needed to detour. I finally had to put a note in my car that says, "Richfield Road Closed". I STILL head that way, albeit one block, before realizing my error.

When I went to the Dr. on the 24th I wasn't imagining that I would get a 2 month detour from chemo. I was surprised that she suggested it. She definately thought it would be a fine time for a break. It gives me a chance to see what my body will do on its own...a detour from my usual path. I was hesitant to accept this alternate path at first. I think the little men were rejoicing at my opportunity to change and assist them in their work. They are busier than ever cleaning and following orders. My consciousness had finally taken notice of their assignments and is on board to help them out by following a different path.

The changes I have noticed have been subtle. First of all, everyone comments on how good I look. I have FELT good for a couple months despite the usual effects of chemo. I started noticing little changes, like wanting to do more exercise and eat differently. I started actively detoxifying my body. I decided to live life "as if" I am cancer free. Not denial, just a balance of doing what I might normally want to do. I drove 10 hours to see my girlfriends. I am doing yoga again. I rest occasionally yes, but find that I feel very ON PURPOSE. That is the best way I can describe it. Like the tireless men who are sweeping and cleaning...I have joined the effort to manifest a new consciousness.

Now back to the road. A couple of years ago the city was trying to decide how to best fix Richfield Road. Because detours add 5 minutes on to our commute and it is a bus route, they initally wanted to keep it open and do one side at a time. Their idea was to cut down several of the old trees that surround the road. The road runs along a lake/park area. The Linden Hills neighborhood went into petition mode and the city abandoned that plan. The next year they sat on the issue. This year we are all on detour, driving around Lake Harriet or Calhoun to get home. It is a big mess right now. All torn up and lots of activity. I know it will be a beautiful creation when it is finished.

We shall see what Spirit brings to me, what deeper level of God's Love that I accept. My body is magnificantly made and I trust life's mountains and valleys. They are the Divine Plan manifest. Plus I have the clean up crew on duty.

For now I will close. Look at you life for a waking dream. Detour....God is talking.

Love,
Deborah

Thursday, August 26, 2004 8:15 PM CDT


Wind Trees and Tumor Markers

Last Sunday night there was a wind a blowin'. It was not so bad as to make the news...but to one Elm tree it was fatal. I was down in the basement folding clothes. It was late. I try to get all the house cleaned and clothes laundered before the week of chemo. That way I am ready for the week and can relax. Anyway, Mark came down to the laundry room and said, "Deb, you have to come outside!" We went to the back pathway and there was a double Elm tree blown down. It was in perfect health, we just couldn't understand why it fell.

We have been having a time with Dutch Elm Disease this year. Thousands of trees marked with the neon orange circle that means they will be cut down. It is hard to lose so many old friends. I have been sad to see them go. I was especially sad about the double elm that was felled by a not so notable wind.

Well...it seems a wind is blowing through my life again and I am cognizant of the Elm as I observe my own changes. My tumor marker went up 9 points. I found that out on Monday. The nurse oncologist told me that she didn't think Dr. Carson would change the chemo. So I had it on Tuesday and saw Dr. Carson on Wednesday.

I think because I was having subtle symptoms of cancer growth (ones that I have been able to identify in the past), she decided to change my chemo. But first she suggestted a break in chemo. She said it is a good time as my number is relatively low and I feel good. The next chemo is not so pleasant sounding, so a break will be nice for my head as well as my bone marow.

So, as I plan some fun in the next month, I will be watchful of worsening symptoms and open to spontaneous remission. Once again, I will do what I can to heal and let the outcome rest in God's hands. I can have moments of mental questioning about whether this is the right thing to do...but my heart is at peace.

We will see what this wind of change brings to me.

More Later,

Deborah

Sunday, August 22, 2004 2:26 PM CDT

Dear Ones,
Life is but a dream....

That is how it seems to me these days. I am so blessed to be feeling so whole and happy. I feel the breath of God moving love through my every cell...my every experience infused with Love. I believe it must be evident because many comment on how clear my eyes, how good I look or how at peace. I tell them "I feel spectacular!". And acting as if makes it so!

We did more landscaping and frankly I am done with that for awhile. My neighbor, is not. She keeps sending me mature healthy plants and a note saying where it would look good. I am so grateful for my expanding garden because it brings me such joy! However, methinks perhaps a Pandora's box has been opened with my dear neighbor and she can't help herself. Mark put fall blooming asters in the ground today and I am going to avoid going over to her lush gardens and admiring ANYTHING for a few weeks. That doesn't mean the bagged plants won't appear, but at least I won't be encouraging it.

We went out to an outdoor fish restaurante on Saturday night on Lake Calhoun. Mark stood in line for 30 minutes and they told him it would be 30 more minutes until we were served. It was 45 minutes more and oh so good. Maybe we thought it was good because we had to wait over an hour to eat! While waiting storm clouds grew and we could see a line of rain in the distance that looked like it was not hitting the ground. The humidity was so low that the storm never manifested. Instead we had some moderate winds that created a wind chill. Luckily Mark came with a jacket and an fleece shirt in the car and we kept warm wearing them and moving our table into a protected patio area. It was a wonderful date and after the "storm" passed, it was quite lovely.

Plans for this week include: my tumor marker check on Monday, plus labwork to see if my bone marrow agrees to having chemo. Chemo on Tuesday (if able) and my regularly scheduled appointment with Dr. Carson on Wednesday. No infrared saunas or Immunocal detoxification until Friday at the earliest. I have been doing the detox this week and am anxious to see if my elevated liver enzymes have come down. Oh yes, and always in the back of my mind...I am awaiting a new neighbor, Rowan. He should come anytime and they may invite me to the hospital while he is on his journey into the world. I am so excited.

Well, I have about an hour before I have to get to yoga. I hope you are basking in the knowingness that you are Loved.

More Later,
Deborah

PS. Will try to get some new pictures on for you.

Sunday, August 15, 2004 2:51 PM CDT

Greetings,
Whew...what a week. It seems when it rains it pours sometimes. Our computer decided to have a software hiccup. That meant new operating system, which we needed anyway. In the process we have had some frustrating moments learning how to use it. I have to practice patience while we learn.

I had my chemo on Tuesday and it went well. I felt good except for the migraine and the nausea. By Friday I felt really good. I am soo happy with my energy. It seems like I can do anything...but I know I still have to take things easy.

We had a big gardening day yesterday. My neighbor decided she wanted some new plants. That meant she needed to get rid of some of her old ones. She often walks on the Path behind our house and she had been contemplating which plants she could donate to me and where to put them.
She was so happy to get rid of the old to make room for the new. As for me I was glad to get wonderful plants from her. It did mean that we had to create 3 new garden beds in the front yard. Oh yes...I did manage to get a couple new plants when I went to the nursery to get mulch. I got the "Endless Summer" hydrangeas and a silver mound. We worked and planted about 6 hours. It was quite a job. the results look fantastic. I know they will look even better next year. I had dreamed of beds in the front yard but guess I needed a gentle push to get them going.

Otherwise I have been enjoying life and my health. I am doing yoga again and that feels good. I have class today so must go.

Hope all is well with you.
Deborah

Monday, August 9, 2004 9:04 PM CDT

Dear Ones,

I have had a wonderful week! I was so energetic I took a road trip to see my girlfriends in Missouri. I had just a few days so didn't get to see family and every one I could have seen...but it was such a treat to get out of town and see my oldest friends. Mark calls them the "Ya Ya Sisters". I was encouraged by the fact that I was able to drive 10 hours alone and not be totally exhausted. I was tired, but it was so managable.

I enjoyed seeing the wildlife, birds mostly, on the way, and the wild flowers by the roadside are always amazing to me. I listened to music and learned a couple new Cole Porter songs off of the "Delovely" CD. I took frequent rest stops and marvelled at the 110 degree heat index on Tuesday. I drank lots of water that day!

I had blood work drawn today and it looks like I will be getting chemo tomorrow. I am glad that Dr. Carson let me have a week off. It was great.

I hope to get back to MO to see my family. I had so little time that I was not able to go everywhere to visit. I spent all my time in the country at one of my friends house and my other girlfriends came to see me there. That was so restful for me.

Well I had better get to sleep and be prepared for chemo tomorrow.

More Later,
Deborah

Saturday, July 31, 2004 1:47 PM CDT

Greetings,

It was a good week, all things considered. I had chemo on Tuesday. I have to say I had less side effects this time. I had my tumor marker tested on Tuesday also. It has gone down again into the normal range, 27. It will still need to be less than 20 to be considered remission by Dr. Carson.

I saw my good Dr. on Wednesday. It was a good visit and she was happy with my tumor marker results. I thought the Gemzar was working because I had less symptoms of the cancer. I am so much better emotionally when I don't have pain and increased fatigue.

Otherwise there is not much news. I have migraines for a couple of days after the chemo so if you called and I did not come to the phone, that is why. Even though I had the headache and nausea, it was so much better this time.

I am now on a one week on, one week off chemo schedule. I suspect the week off will be pretty sweet.

I have sad news today about the local bunny....I think he may have been hit by a car. If not him, someone was. He has the cutest little white band around his neck that differentiates him from the crowd. I will watch for him and hope that he is still with us.

More Later,
Deborah

Saturday, July 24, 2004 7:55 AM CDT

Good Morning,

We are having the greatest weather. It was over 90 degrees and dew points in the 70s, very tropical. Now is the good part..it is fall like with dew points in the 40s and temps in the 70s. I love the cooler weather. My blooming plants like the warmer weather so everyone is happy.

I have been spending time outside, reading and gardening. Not a lot to do in the garden, weeding and watering when we don't have rain. It is so peaceful and splendid there. I have a new compost bin. Mark built it for me from some old pallets. It needs a door to hide the compost...but all in good time.

My health news this week includes another failed attempt at chemo. I went for a blood test at Abbott, then off to breakfast. I called the unit where I get my chemo and they would check on my results and call me. Dr. Carson was there having her once a month clinic to see patients who cannot come to her office. That was nice because she was able to review my info there. I had the added benefit of seeing her in person in the parking lot of Abbott when I was getting ready to go in and wait for my call. We chatted about this and that and she answered some questions I had. Mainly I was concerned that not getting the chemo every week would make it less effective. She said it would still work.

I am lucky to have such good care. I have a good life too and am grateful for that. I feel good after about 5 days after the chemo so it is nice to get a break from the nausea. I will try again next week on Tuesday. I get my blood drawn at Dr. Carson's office and it will include a CA 125, the tumor marker. I have no idea what that will be, I suspect higher than last time. I think it was on the way up when we checked it, so even if this chemo brought it down it may be higher in number than it was last check. Of course if Spirit wants to bring me a total low number, I am happy with that too..

Well...I will close for now.

Deborah

Sunday, July 18, 2004 10:41 AM CDT

Good Morning,

It is a beautiful summer day. We have a haze over the sun from the fires in Alaska, but otherwise just beautiful. My garden has been blossoming, making me happy. It is a peaceful retreat.

The news this week includes a delay in getting chemo (again) due to my bone marrow not recovering. What that means is that they take blood tests to check different elements of my blood and three of them (white count, absolute nuetrophil count and platelets) determine whether I get this chemo. Most people get it every week for three weeks then take one week off. I seem to be unable to get it weekly. The best I have done is 10 days apart and this last one was 14 days apart. I wonder how it works when not given as it is supposed to be given. I would sorta think it has been reducing the cancer cells as the side effects I was having are reduced. I go back to see Dr. Carson on the 28th and will have my tumor marker done then. We will see what she thinks about me.

This chemo was given on Friday and I haven't felt quite myself since. I hope it is better on Monday. I am nauseated and chilly. Have spent a lot of time resting.

Hope you are having a wonderful weekend. I wil put some new pictures on the site today.

More Later,
Deborah

Monday, July 12, 2004 9:03 AM CDT

Dear Ones,

It has been a wonderful week. I have felt great. I managed to get a lot of cleaning and work done in preparation for chemo week. I get chemo this Tuesday.
I am ready as I can be.

Mark and I were walking around 9 PM on Saturday night. We were in the alleyway that is called "the Path", the one that is behind our house and goes all the way to Linden Hills business district. Along the way we happened to see 3 baby racoons who live in a retaining wall between a garage and the yard. It was so sweet. They were probably teenagers getting ready for a night prowl.

Mark had an art show this past weekend and that went well. It was a juried show and he won 1st place.

I have been able to get some exercise in this week and that has been great. All in all a wonderful week. Note it was the week I did not get chemo! I am hoping I tolerate the chemo better this week.

More Later,
Deborah

Sunday, July 4, 2004 10:20 PM CDT

Fellow Americans!

Happy Independence Day!

We just go home from Lake Calhoun where we watched fireworks. What a spectacular celebration of our independence. I just love it! When we got home we could still see some other fireworks from our front yard. Our cats were laid out, asleep in chairs and what not. I assume they are not afraid of the noise.

It has been a somewhat quite day for me. I rested a lot today and slept for 4 hours. It was a beautiful day for resting.

We have been doing another house project. Mark built me a new storage area on the back stoop that leads to the exterior door or to the basement. It is great. I will be able to store some things and help in the continual process of containing clutter. We also painted the walls, ceiling, trim and floor. It has been quite a project. Mark is such a perfectionist...he spent a lot of time on wall prep, sanding and filling nicks. It has really paid off. Now I am not embarrassed to have folks go down to our basement. We still have a clutter issue there, but all in good time and it will get addressed.

I did not have chemo this week on Tuesday. My white count was too low. I tried again on Friday and was able to get the chemo. I am grateful to get it even though it is tiring and I am wearing out physically now more than ever. I am hopeful that it may bring me remission again in the future. We shall see what God has planned for me.

Until later,
Deborah

Saturday, June 26, 2004 7:41 PM CDT

Dear Friends,
This has been a challenging week. I started a different chemo on Tuesday. It has the side effect of causing flu-like symptoms and it did! Starting Wednesday I had a fever and aching. I was better by Friday. I had a migraine on Tuesday night and have had some abdominal pain that I think is related to adhesions but has been uncomfortable nonetheless. I am happy to report that I feel better today, though am tired. I get this chemo for 2 weeks on and 1 week off, so am on the schedule for Tuesday. It will be another 5 weeks before I see my Dr. for a tumor marker test and check-up.

I remain hopeful it will work. I am getting tired of being on chemo in a big way.

Life is still good...just a lot of intense stuff.

Hope all is well for you,
Deborah

Saturday, June 19, 2004 11:23 AM CDT

Dear Ones,
It is Saturday morning and I happy to be here to write you a note. I find every day I am here is special. Living close to the edge does that to one.

Speaking of living close to the edge. As if to remind me of life's preciousness, I was pulled away from remission this past week. Yes, my tumor marker is once again on the rise. It more than doubled, yet is still not as bad as it has been in the past. I feel like I have been given a reprieve as far as that is concerned. It was 47...and could have so easily been 470.

I had a couple of teary days and moments of wondering if I will be here next year. I don't really know what God's plan is, same as all of us. Yet, I feel like I could have a greater (statisical) chance of leaving. This reminder of my mortality begs the question, "What shall I do while I am here?".

Once again, my focus is on my mission here as Soul and how I serve Our Creator. I am happy to be here and happy to serve. Cancer or no, I can still live each moment as fully as physical limitations allow and be an available vehicle for God's Love. For that I am grateful and that gratitude lifts me.

It seems like a bump on the knee with it's attendant pain and suffering could have caused a revelation like the above...but I guess for me it has to be the intensity of cancer to remind me why I am really here.

Anyway, I am enjoying the life I have and recognizing my limitations as part of the contract for now. I do want to be cancer free, as God wills it. I realize when leaving it truely up to God, it happens on a Divine schedule if at all. Surrender brings peace and I know that God knows my deepest desires.

More Later,
Deborah

Sunday, June 13, 2004 12:04 AM CDT

Greetings,

Though it has been a challenging week, it has also been a good week. I think that every moment I am alive is a precious one.

I have had a diminished energy this week and 4 days of migraine type headaches. I haven't gotten much done but have very good intentions. Today maybe, I will get some of those tasks done.

Yesterday I did get about 2 1/2 hours helping plant bushes and plants in the trolley area. Those of you who have read this for a long time may remember that Mark and I had quite a resistance to the "improvements" to that area. Mainly the big light that shines in our backyard. Well, I think both of us have been won over to the benefits of opening that area up. We meet so many of our neighbors and dogs. I am surprised that I don't feel a lack of privacy, or if I do, it is compensated by the involvement in the community that brings much joy.

Since I don't work much, as yet, it is a way to see and interact with others. The garden brings me such joy and now the new plants in the pathway are adding to it.

Our bunny is growing. Mark wants to make a hutch because he is worried that the bunny's habitat is being disrupted with all the planting and volunteers in the pathway. I think he wants to domesticate the bunny. I think he is really cute too but want him to continue to be free. (and eat for free!) We got attached to a bunny last year and he got hit by a car. That was hard.

We are finally having warmer weather. The mosquitoes are out too. One of the neighbors told me her neighbor is suffering from West Nile virus...from a mosquito bite in her yard. I will be careful to put on my herbal repellent.

Well I think I will get to some house cleaning before my energy runs out. Will try to get some new pictures on the site soon.

More Later,
Deborah

Sunday, June 6, 2004 9:12 PM CDT

Greetings,

What a beautiful day we had today! We spent some time in the yard planting more hostas. Actually Mark did the planting and I watched. He created another bed, so that means less mowing.

We have a new bunny! He comes to our yard to eat the clover and sometimes the garden plants. He's sooo cute! And our chickadees emerged last week too. We were fortunate to be outside when they first came out of the house. It was fun to watch them try out their wings and see how mom and dad kept an eye on them. So much life right in our backyard.

Not much on the health front. I am having my nadir this weekend. That is the low point of my blood counts, which means I am tired. I also must avoid aquiring an infection. I found that I needed to rest a lot today. The good news is I did not have any other side effects of the chemo. For that I am very grateful.

I will close for now. Stay cool!
Deborah

Saturday, May 29, 2004 2:29 PM CDT

Greetings,

It is a rainy cool day. I had prepared some chicken to bar-b-que and we are going to try to sneak it in between the spurts of rain. I hear it is supposed to be rainy all weekend. So much for picnic plans.

It has been a nice week. I had my chemo on Tuesday and have been resting a lot since then. I feel good except for the energy issue. I am visualizing the chemo attacking any errant tumor cells. I also see a tumor marker number in the teens next time we check!

We have been enjoying the new bench in the garden. The chickadee babies who live in the birdhouse are growing. We can hear the change in their voices. When Mom or Dad get in there they become competitive...who can talk the loudest. I guess the loudest gets the most food?? Anyway I hope we are able to see them emerge and fly away. We were surprised to see one of the chickadee parents chase off a woodpecker who landed in the nearby tree. I think he remembered that the woodpecker had been pounding on their house earlier this year. They are such good parents.

For now I will close. Hope you have a wonderful holiday weekend.

Deborah

Friday, May 21, 2004 2:04 PM CDT

Greetings,
This week I saw my Dr. I was pleased that my tumor marker was 22. Dr. Carson would like to see it drop to less than 20 which is the number she likes before stopping chemo. I am hoping that we will see that number next month. I get impatient to stop the chemo. Especially with the side effects that I have had.

All in all I am good. I feel challenged this week emotionally. I know there are times like that for all of us. For some reason everything seems more difficult than usual. Little issues loom large and I find myself on overwhelm. I have to be vigilent and keep reminding myself of all the blessings I have in my life. Maybe I am just tired of making adjustments.

My feet are still an issue. I took a walk yesterday and today have new sore areas on my toes that make it difficult to walk comfortably. There is still general redness and lots of skin peeling. So I guess walking for exercise is not a good idea. I haven't been swimming either as the chlorine makes my skin very itchy. Even without the chlorine my skin is dry from the chemo and itches in a couple of spots. I apply moisturizing lotion up to 6 times a day. There is no visible rash in those areas, nevertheless Dr. Carson says the itching is from the chemo. I think my mood would be better if I could get my regular exercise in. I thought about riding the bike...hopefully I will not fall. I need to do something aerobic. I will get back to doing yoga...maybe that will be enough.

Otherwise there are many fun things happening. The garden is growing and we had baby finches emerge this past week from their nest. We can hear the baby chickadees in the house cheeping when their parents take food into them. I got a new garden bench that we had to weather proof and put together. Soon it will adorn the garden awaiting its owners and their cup of tea. It will need to stop raining first. I am happy for the rain as the garden benefits.

Have a wonderful week,
Deborah

Saturday, May 15, 2004 9:47 AM CDT

Dear Friends,
I have had such a grand week. I have been gardening. We got some new plants...mostly shade tolerant perrenials to fill our space in the back. A neighbor gave me so many hostas that we had to dig a new garden to place them. Mark had been wanting to dig that portion of the yard anyway, so this was a good excuse. Now he wants to dig another bed in the front yard. I am thinking the whole yard will eventually become garden!! I am so enjoying the process. I believe that all of my plants have returned this year. It has been a joy to go out there every day to see little ferns poking their heads out. Some of the perennials are starting to spread. That is exciting. In a few years there will be plants to divide. I guess that is when we start digging up the yard and creating more gardens!

I have felt good this week. I am happy to report very little side effects from the chemo. I see Dr. Carson next week on Wednesday. I will also have another tumor marker test that week. I have my usual anxiety about that...but mostly am optimistic and excited to be cancer free.

My birthday was yesterday. I spent the morning with my in-laws teaching them how to use a computer. They are new to it so I am sure we will have a few sessions. Just using the mouse can be challenging when you have never tried it. And why do they call it a "mouse" anyway??? There is a whole new language to learn when one starts delving into the computer world. It is exciting to see their excitment as they play with the computer and learn it.

I had lunch with my in-laws and later Mark, his brother and I went out to dinner . All in all a wonderful birthday.

For now I will close...but know that I am well and full of the Love of God.

Deborah

Wednesday, May 5, 2004 11:54 AM CDT

Dear Ones,

Hope this finds you well. Isn't Spring grand?? I am enjoying it so. Today we sniffed new lilacs. Ahhhhh.
We have birds a nesting and tulips blooming. New life. It is so hopeful.

I was reminded of the treasure of good girlfriends yesterday. My "Birthday Group" girlfriends took me out to a fondue restaurant. It was so much fun. We had our usual time to catch up and some wonderful food to eat. I am lucky to have such a gift. I will put a picture on the site of my friends. Aren't they great!!

I am feeling so much like myself today. My body is not demanding much attention from me. I am smiling spontaneously. Life is grand.

I wanted to mention that my wealth of girlfriends extends beyond MN borders. I am fortunate to have lifelong girlfriends in Missouri, my home state. I still talk to them at least once a month and keep up. I thought you might like to see some pictures of us from years past. Check out the long hair! I am just happy to have any hair now.

Well, I suppose I will get on with the day. I get to run some errands for Mark's business. Since I have been home I find I am more a part of the business and that is fun. I like being productive.

Happy Spring and give those Girlfriends of yours a hug!

Deborah


Thursday, April 29, 2004 12:31 AM CDT

Greetings,

I had chemo this week on Tuesday. It went well except for the steroids that Dr. Carson wanted me to have. I had negotiated those out of the treatment plan but because of the rash and side effects she wanted me to have them. I have sleeplessness, irritability and pain in my stomach for a few days after getting them. Hopefully they will help lessen the side effects. It would at least make them more bearable. Speaking of bear...I feel like a bear after I get the steroids. I have a short fuse and I am always rummaging for food!! Luckily I don't have to go through campsites for that food.

We had a 90 degree day yesterday and my plants have shot up. It is so exciting to watch them. I have taken away the mulch and did the raking of leaves last week. What a job!! It is nice to have my summer yard on its way.

Not much other news. I am grateful the side effects are better and another infusion of chemo behind me.

Take care,
Deborah

Monday, April 19, 2004 5:29 PM CDT

Dear Friends,
I have had a good week. I went to Dallas for a medical conference. It started Thursday and ended on Saturday. Very informative. It was so great to be doing something normal. I roomed with a good friend and we had fun exploring Dallas, eating out and seeing the Kennedy Memorial and museum.

I am not getting chemo this week. I had some side effects (skin) that have improved but are not completely gone. I am impressed at how fast they have improved in the past 2 days. I know a week will give me a better shot at not having these side effects again with the next cycle.

I was soo excited to see the tulips, lilies and other plants pushing out of the ground. We had rain last night so I know they will really take off. I see lots o weeds. That will keep me busy. Our burning bushes have been eaten down by someone...maybe a racoon. I wonder how they will do. I was sad about that. We have some birds nesting in the bird houses and that is exciting. Spring is such a wonderful time of year!

Hope all is well with you and you are enjoying each moment. Life is precious.

More Later,
Deborah

Saturday, April 10, 2004 10:40 AM CDT

Great News!!

My tumor marker was 21 on the 6th. Dr Carson says it will likely keep coming down through this week so I have reached that magical area of remission. She still wants me to have 6 cycles of chemo (and no...she does not count the doxil I received in Germany as one of the cycles). I may have to delay or halt this chemo due to side effects. This is the most side effects I have ever had with any chemo.

I am finding that the mouth sores are healing but the hand foot syndrome is not better. In fact I can hardly walk it is so sore. I still have a total body rash. I saw the dermatologist again on the 7th and had a skin biopsy. Everyone is starting to think the skin rash is more doxil related now. All of these things must be better or I cannot get chemo on the 20th.

Mark and I celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary on the 13th. We have know each other for 12 years. We have plans to celebrate at an Inn( that we especially love) that is on the Mississippi river in Minneapolis . I look forward to that. We will not be walking or dancing a lot but happy just the same. We are grateful for our wonderful marriage. We have so much fun together and treasure our time. He is such a gift in my life.

I am off to a nursing conference next week to in Dallas. I am a little nervous about going with the foot problem I have. I am hoping it will be better. I wanted to go to this conference last year but didn't want to go while on chemo. I decided this year that if I could go to Germany while on chemo...I could manage Dallas! It should be fun as well as informative.

I will close for now. For those of you who celebrate Easter, have a happy one!

Love,
Deborah

Monday, April 5, 2004 2:18 PM CDT

Hello to All,

I have always counted myself as a "cup half full" kind of gal. I heard someone say the other day that the cup was 3/4 full. I thought that was a nice expansion. I would like to say it is always full and most of the time that would be true for me...this week it definately has had its draining moments.

On the half full side...we have eaten from our garden already. Chives are up and delicious. My tulips are emerging and many of the leaves from the mulched garden area in the backyard blew up to the front yard. We spent some time raking them. I still left most of the mulch, or what was left over, on the bedded plants. It is not quite warm enough to leave them uncovered. We need a good soaking. That would help my grass to green up and tulips to grow.

On the half empty side...I have had a cold for over a week. It has been worsened by the dipping of my white cell count ( the ones that fight off colds). In addition I have mouth sores. I have read about them and that they can happen with chemo, but I have never experienced them. I must say they are my least favourite side effect. It hurts to eat, so I am definately doing less of that. I have a sore throat that may be the cold or the mouth sores. It has hurt so much that I found that if I put my fingers in my ears when I swallowed it hurt less. So now my ears are sore. I still have a rash over my body and in general I am miserable, at least physically.

I did rejoice when we took are walk today and stopped by the alcove area of Lake Harriet where the ducks and gulls gather. I like hearing the gulls plaintive cry, watching the muscrat swim to his home, the Canadain geese stretch and groom and the mallards chasing each other and fighting for the hens. It is wonderful to see all the Spring activity. I can't wait for the loons to do their annual stopover. All in good time.

Life is a treasure and I am glad to be here. I am looking forward to better days without pain. Hope you are enjoying Spring with all of its emergence theme. Keep in touch,
Deborah

Thursday, March 25, 2004 12:49 AM CST

Dear Ones,

What a great day. It is in the 60s but cloudy. It is so nice to have the windows open.

I had chemo this week. Despite potential side effects with my feet and hands, it is a very kind chemo for me. I did not have the steroid pre-med this week and noticed I felt pretty tired and yucky the first day. The next day I felt fine, no nausea and fairly good energy. So I think that is great!

I have been working with the insurance companies this week with some issues...I think anyone with a chronic illness or many Dr. visits must have to do the same thing. I think it must be difficult for someone who is very ill and has no will to fight for what is right for him. I think one must just plan on getting to know your representatives at the various insurance companies well, as there are many calls.

I saw a wonderful quote on a card and wanted to share it with you.

"We have come into this exquisite world to experience ever and ever more deeply our divine courage, freedom and light!"
Hafiz

I have been feeling so blessed amidst lifes challenges. I am grateful for each experience and the blessing it brings. I am grateful for all of you, my family and friends and your support. I am on purpose and life is my playground!

Have a wonderful Spring day where ever you are!

Deborah

Thursday, March 18, 2004 11:01 AM CST

Dear Friends,

I have great news. My tumor marker dropped from 480 to 49. I was surprised and thrilled. It does not mean I am in remission yet, but very close. When it is less than 20 I will be in remission. I feel that will be the case in the next few months.

For now I am planning on staying here and getting treatment, keeping Klinik St Georg as a back-up for problems or perhaps one final round of whole body hyperthermias to give remission a better chance at being a life long one.

Dr. Carson said she would like me to get 6 cycles of doxil, so even if my tumor marker is below 20 I would still get those treatments. I guess when you think that I have been getting treatment for 16 months now, what is a few more? Especially if I have reached that low number. So I told her "Gulp...ok." It wasn't the hardest news I have had to swallow...

Today should be a busy day. I am off to a lecture about vitamins with the neuro-immunologist MD who uses big biochemistry terms and hurts my brain. Am I a glutton for punishment?

Have a happy Spring...it is right around the corner on the calander and for those of us who live up North, it will be here in a couple of months.

More Later,
Deborah

Saturday, March 13, 2004 1:59 PM CST

Dear Ones,

It has been a full week. We have been living days full of that love that flows from the Creator. It has been heavenly. There have been the usual life things but every day I am so reminded of my choice to travel a path home to God with all of its attendant difficulties and joys.

I attended a free lecture about Vitamin B 12 and folic acid. It was such divine timing because I knew I wanted to know more about those two B vitamins and how to take them. Learning about the supplement industry has been an eye opener. Because it is not regulated here in the US various claims can be made falsely. It is up the discriminate consumer to learn as much as one can to wade through claims and articles that may not be truthful. Finally, following one's inner voice seems to work for me after I have gathered data.

Anyway...I had a nudge that I was going to be the only person at this meeting. I almost choose not to go but was pushed out the door and to the meeting. Indeed I was the only one there and when the speaker found out I was a nurse he delved into the subject deeply with the biochemical terms flowing. My head was spinning and my heart saying "YES!", I knew there was something here, amidst the brain hurting stretch, that would serve me. I finally shared that I was battling cancer and we spoke of the supplements I am taking. I was doing their protocol minus 2 supplements. They were impressed with me and my knowledge of what I need to take. I was impressed that my head didn't explode with all the chemistry terms. I even told him he was stretching my brain with the terms and he told me, "your a nurse...just follow along.". WOW.

Anyway I guess I am not doing too bad with what I am taking to support my body during this process. It is a big job.

I see my Dr. on Wednesday. I haven't seen her for 3 months. She was out of town or I was. It will be good to see her. I will have my blood drawn and tumor marker checked. I believe I should get good news. I have heard it goes down more slowly after it reaches 500 so it may not seem as dramatic as it has in the past. But downward is good. Less than 20 would be a great blessing.

Spring is coming. Life getting ready to emerge again and so am I!

Deborah

PS: How about some new pictures? Check out the photos to see if I get them changed.

Wednesday, March 3, 2004 9:00 PM CST

Dear Ones,
It has been an interesting week. I have felt like I am two people this week...the positive happy one and the quiet dark one. I blame the steroids of course! I have had a little trouble sleeping. My mind won't stop running like a hamster on a wheel! I do think last night was better so maybe I am on the other side of it.

One of the interesting things I have noted with my support group of fellow patients from St George is that we tend to be honest about our darker moments. I think that is not always expressed with our friends or loved ones. I choose to be happy as much as possible because it is such a joy to be here every day. Yet I too have my moments of darkness. It is a part of the journey and cannot be denied.

Here is a short journal note from last year about dark moments.

The Dark Sitting Room
As I put pen to paper I wonder if my words will reflect who I am. Will you see the bright cheery sun room, the grand arena or the dark sitting room placed conveniently out of the line of sight. For there are many parts of me that seem closed off to you, Dear Reader. Actually, more appropriately, closed off to me. We all have them--dark rooms or spaces in our consciousness. Many of them awaiting the illumination of recognition.

As I wind my way through life Spirit edges me closer to all that I am. Light and darkness, music and silence, and all between. Every story is a multifaceted diamond of experience. As I gaze into the reflection, lo and behold...it's me that I see. As my story unfolds, witness my process and the amazing way presented for my learning and for my service. If I stumble into the dark sitting room, have patience. For I am life's student and love's servant.



Thank you for witnessing my journey. It is not how I dreamed my life would be, but it is so much more.

May the Blessings Be,
Deborah

Wednesday, February 25, 2004 5:39 PM CST

Dear Friends,

It is my first day after chemo. I received Doxil, one of the chemos I got in Germany last time. I had 4 times the dose here. It has been good so far. I felt a little weird yesterday but today is good. I had to have some steroids and they make me a little crazy. I usually try to negotiate those steroids out of my treatment plan but the nurse specialist wouldn't do that this time. Maybe with the next treatment. I must say I have a lot of (false) energy with the steroids.

I did a little project today. I named most all of the digital pictures that Mark took in Germany and picked out about 150 of them I would like to print. And that does not count the first trip to Germany. So I think this could be a costly project when I am through. We would like to be able to show family and friends our pictures but is kind of hard unless one comes to our computer. It was a fun project.

Not much other news. It is slow paced here at home. The cats curled up on radiators, sometimes talking to the squirrels and birds that have been very active in the back yard. The sun, when out, reminds me of the promise of Spring. I look forward to that.

For now, Happy Winter!
Deborah

PS...now that I have been looking at pictures I know I will get some new ones on the site for you. So check it out!

Wednesday, February 18, 2004 9:51 PM CST

Greetings,

It has been awhile since my last entry. Valentines day came and went. I had a nice day that day...I saw my girlfriends for one of our birthday parties. We had company that evening. I learned that I really do need that rest time everyday. I generally feel so great, but that is because I rest a lot. I am grateful that I have a schedule that allows it.

Mark has been busy painting. He is so happy when he is in the studio. There has been business calls, errands and paperwork. Life has been gently paced and moving like a light breeze.

I had my tumor marker checked on Monday. My Dr. visit was today. My tumor marker came down a few points. At least it didn't go up. I try to stay focused on the positive and not wonder if I will ever reach remission. Meanwhile there is chemo scheduled for next week. It is the same chemo I had in Germany but at 4 times the dose. It is, I hear, "well tolerated". That sounds good and I take it to mean not such severe side effects. I believe I will keep my hair.

I am happy that I only travel 10 minutes for chemo instead of 11 hours. The travel is so difficult. I do love Bad Aibling and the Alps. The people too are wonderful. I am not sure I will be going back soon. Maybe in 12 weeks if necessary.

I continue this journey with gratefulness and love. Thank you for checking on me!

Love,
Deborah

Saturday, February 7, 2004 1:15 PM CST

Dear Friends,

I am so happy to say that I am starting to sleep through the night! I had been going to bed at 6:30PM and up again by 4:00AM. It was not restless sleep, just at the wrong time.

My week has been filled with helping to clear some snow, finishing my part of tax prep, organizing papers, mail and unpacking. I have yet to clean the house but it is starting to really bug me so I guess that is next.

One of the nicest things about going to Klinik St Georg is meeting so many wonderful people. I have been in contact with the ones who remained for this past week and one who is in her home country and had a major surgery and radiation for her cancer. I was sad to hear that one of the patients I met the second time I went had died this week. It really brings home the magnitude of the mountain we must climb to regain health. It is doable and my goal remains steadfast...cancer free health and living to serve God. I think I will stick with those two for now.

The cats are sooo happy to see us. Especially Maseka who is more talkative than usual and sits by my chest at night purring loudly. It woke me up, but who can complain about being so loved.

I noticed today how warm the sun is, even though it is still winter with lots of deep snow...Spring will come and flowers will bloom. Am I ever the optimist? It is noticably warmer...the sun, and that hints at the promise.

Hope your weekend is wonderful and maybe I will see some of you soon.

Love,
Deborah

Monday, February 2, 2004 4:50 AM CST

Greetings from the USA,
Here I am in Philadelphia and it is wonderful to be here. Our flight was late and overbooked, so we had agreed to stay in Munich if needed to do some sightseeing. It ended up that we got on the plane and landed a little later into Philly. We headed right over to the hotel and were washed, dried and laid aside by 7:30PM. 10 hours later...here I am in the lobby of the hotel using the computer and writing you. Ah...it's good to be home.

I am feeling great. I have a few things in mind to do today, mostly getting organized from the trip, bills and such. Then it is off to my next great adventure. I am not sure if I will be going back to Germany or when. The plan is rather fluid at this point. Fluidness is very good for a control freak. It tests ones mettle.

We will be leaving here about 9:30 AM. I am looking forward to the final leg of the trip.

More Later,
Deborah

Thursday, January 29, 2004 10:37 PM CST

Greetings from Bad Aibling,

It is early in the morning and I am happy to report to you that my treatment on Wednesday went well. I awoke at 2:00PM and was wide awake, something that never happens. I felt good and had very little nausea. I have to say it was my best whole body ever.

Now we just are finishing up odds and ends and getting ready to go home on Sunday. I will have just 3 treatments today and on Saturday a free day to shop or whatever. I think our friends and we will go out to eat one last time at the Hotel Lindner. It is so nice and very good food. This is very good...thinking about food. Such a different place than last week.

The whole body team is having a sleigh ride tonight and have invited some of us to go along. It sounds like fun and is about 30 kilometers away. It will be at night when it is colder which is the sticking point for me...but it would be nice to spend some time with them.

For now I will close. I will be home soon to my cats and my own bed. I look forward to that.

More Later,
Deborah

Saturday, January 24, 2004 3:07 AM CST

Dear Ones,
It is Saturday and I am slowly coming around. I had my whole body hyperthermia on Wednesday and it was a rough couple of days. I am better now but still weak and not much appetite. I told Marco that we should go out to eat today. Maybe something in the real world will appeal to me more than rabbit and salads.

We moved to a different room and now Mark has a real bed instead of a cot. He is much happier and I am too. We now have a VCR in our room and can watch movies or the taped TV shows I brought.

It was really pretty today. Hoarfrost (hope I spelled that right) on all the trees. Mark took a long walk and got some great pictures. He hasn't really painted yet, but I think he is still recovering from the jet lag. Last night was the first night we slept all night. That jet lag is pretty amazing.

I am resting in the arms of God and hoping to feel better soon...just in time for another treatment. But after that I am coming home and that will be heaven.

Sending Love,
Deborah

Sunday, January 18, 2004 10:15 PM CST

Dear Ones,

Here I am at 5:00AM at the computer. It is the best time of the day to get an uninterrupted moment to write. I like the early morning time...promise of the day upon it. It reminds me of the promise of healing that is upon me here at St George.

It is much the same as usual except I think every room is full. I would say there are only 4 rooms of Americans. The rest are Israelis. They are such wonderful, heart-ful people. Approachable and easy to talk to. There is a lot of computer sharing as you could imagine and I feel a little pushed when I get a few moments to use it. The "day trader" is here so I expect when the 8:30 AM bell rings in New York City he will be here at this chair hoping to use the computer for 2 hours or so.

Bad Abling is warm...in the 30s in the day and seems to hover right around freezing. We had flurries last night but nothing accummulated. The ground is still green, like summer. The mountains in the distance tell me that it is winter. I have yet to get out for a walk. Yesterday I swam at the nearby pool for my exercise. I suppose I will not be able to do that after they access my port today.

I anticipate the plan for me to include a change in chemo and to get the whole body hyperthermia. I am scheduled for that on Wednesday. I met another patient here with ovarian cancer and she got the 2 chemos they are proposing. She went right into remission. I was encouraged by that news and still see my body as whole and cancer free.

I think my toe was not broken despite the bruising...it is so much better and I think it would still be hurting if it had been broken. Still I know that I have done something to it.

Well for now I will sign off. Thank you for your love and support.

Deborah

Thursday, January 15, 2004 8:40 PM CST

Dear Ones,

My inner landscape is rich with beauty and light. My road punctuated with dreams, quiet contemplations and road signs. I am sure I am on the right path and I feel happiness radiating out from my core. I know many of you can see that as I am always hearing, "You look so good!".

I feel good too. I told a friend yesterday that I would have to say I feel better than ever, except that I have cancer. I am at peace with the process of healing and know that I will be free of this limitation soon.

I have been packing and getting the house ready for our trip. Mark is busy painting and finishing this piece so that he may move on to the next when we get home. He is excited about his little "painting holiday". This time he thinks he will take acrylics and try a new style of painting. I am sure glad he is so easily entertained.

We will be with some of our friends from the last visit. I look forward to that. I have been looking at the weather for that area and it is hovering at the freezing point. Warmer than here. I look forward to being in Bad Aibling, the pace, the wonderful people and getting treated.

I will put some new pictures on the site. I hope you enjoy them. When I get to the hospital I will put my direct number on the site. I am usually in my room between 1-3 PM central standard time...and I go to sleep after 3PM. I will be 7 hours ahead of CST.

More Later,
Deborah

Thursday, January 15, 2004 8:40 PM CST

Dear Ones,

My inner landscape is rich with beauty and light. My road punctuated with dreams, quiet contemplations and road signs. I am sure I am on the right path and I feel happiness radiating out from my core. I know many of you can see that as I am always hearing, "You look so good!".

I feel good too. I told a friend yesterday that I would have to say I feel better than ever, except that I have cancer. I am at peace with the process of healing and know that I will be free of this limitation soon.

I have been packing and getting the house ready for our trip. Mark is busy painting and finishing this piece so that he may move on to the next when we get home. He is excited about his little "painting holiday". This time he thinks he will take acrylics and try a new style of painting. I am sure glad he is so easily entertained.

We will be with some of our friends from the last visit. I look forward to that. I have been looking at the weather for that area and it is hovering at the freezing point. Warmer than here. I look forward to being in Bad Aibling, the pace, the wonderful people and getting treated.

I will put some new pictures on the site. I hope you enjoy them. When I get to the hospital I will put my direct number on the site. I am usually in my room between 1-3 PM central standard time...and I go to sleep after 3PM. I will be 7 hours ahead of CST.

More Later,
Deborah

Thursday, January 8, 2004 1:26 PM CST

Dear Friends,

I have had a great week. I feel so good when not on chemo. I know however that I must get treatment soon. I have been gathering information this week and after several calls to Dr. Kroiss, e-mails to Dr. Carson, I have decided to go back to Germany. Another leap of faith and leap over the ocean.

I know the plan will be different this time as far as chemo goes. I am hoping all goes well with the new chemo. Getting new meds is not my idea of fun, it is better though when I am not awake to be worrying about it. So I will get 2 more whole body treatments as well.

I wasn't prepared to go this early so am scurrying to get some January things done. Mark is winding up his latest painting and will be able to join me at a later point and be there at least the last week.

When my mind leads the way I am fearful at times. My heart leads with courage and hope. It is a good test to stay centered in that golden heart, keep a close communion with Spirit and utilize my mind as a tool for my greater good.

So I am off again. I will put some more pictures on the site soon for you. I send goodwill and love out into cyberspace and to you.

Deborah

Friday, January 2, 2004 12:36 AM CST

Dear Friends,

I awoke this morning thinking about the acorn. The whole oak tree contained in the seed. I think the New Year theme prompted my reflection, as for me it seems I have a new seed to sew. Because it is a seed, I have yet to see what it will blossom into, but I sense it to be a more magnificant version of me.

Sewing a seed is one thing, but the commitment involved in its nurturance is another. There is the preparation of the soil, the watering, the feeding and the love of new possibilities. I think everything I have done in 2003 has prepared the soil for 2004 and my new seed. I am committed to the work of growing it. I am excited to see the soil break after a long winter. I love this process of growth and love to tend to it. So I think with my intention and action we shall see an new me.

It has been a wonderful holiday season. I have mostly rested and hung out at home. My brother-in-law was here to visit and stayed with us one night. He and I had a wonderful lunch together. On New Years day we were with Mark's family for a few hours. Though my time was limited by my energy I was happy for the time spent with Mark's family.

Today I received news of my tumor marker result. It is down! It came down from 2670 to 1039. So the CA-125 roller coaster is on the downswing again. I am pleased but somewhat detached, it is after all, a roller coaster at times. I will be up at 1:00 AM to call Dr. Kroiss in Germany. Hopefully he will send a new plan soon. I am gathering information this month, still unsure of what my next treatment plan will be. All is unsettled in this part of the process...germinating.

Have a wonderful new year and look for new pictures on the photo page.

More Later from a future seedling,
Deborah


Monday, December 22, 2003 9:49 AM CST

Dear Ones,

So much seems to happen between journal entries sometimes. Yet most of it has been internal work and the external activities will sound mundane. Isn't that the way of life? We move through some giant obstacles internally and cook dinner, visit with friends, work, eat, sleep and live our lives.

I am happy to report that I am excited about what the next step will be for me treatment wise. I have some options now and hope blossoms again.

I spoke to Dr. Kroiss in Germany about my most recent lab results. He was discouraged by my CA-125 result. He told me that though the marker could come down in the next 2 weeks, he believes we would need to use a different chemo and maybe not use the heat the next time I go to Germany. Our plan is to have the marker tested on the 31st, take one round of the oral chemo and recheck it. Then he will make a new plan and fax it to me.

Meanwhile I am finding an option that I would like to consider here in the US. A non-bone marrow depressing option. I would like to give my immune system a break. This last round of chemo hit me hard and I had a very low white count. So low that I have been staying home for the most part to limit my exposure to exhaled viruses. I probably will never get over looking at the cougher/sneezer to see if she/he is covering transmission. I am very aware too of the large number of people who don't wash their hands in the ladies room. Think of all the illness that could be thwarted by these simple measures.

I have so enjoyed hearing from friends this week. The Christmas letters have been so creative and fun. It is good to look back at what has happened over the year.

Whatever your belief I send Holiday Greetings. Have a wonderful celebration. It is truly a gift, this life. I am grateful for each precious moment and for all of you, my loved ones, friends and fellow travelers.

May the Blessings Be,
Deborah

PS: Will add one more picture today, so check out photo album.

Thursday, December 18, 2003 1:54 PM CST

Dear Friends,

Necessity is the mother of invention. Perseverance and creativity help. Here is the story of my sauna...

I first read about infrared saunas when I was doing research on hyperthermia and cancer. I talked to Dr. Douwes in Germany about the sauna and he said his patients who use one stay in remission longer. It was the first time I considered getting one. They are one of those investments that cost a bit up front but last a lifetime. Being a good steward of my resources I researched saunas on the internet, talked to Mark about the purchase and decided I needed more information. That was my way to shelve the idea for awhile.

As the idea set on the shelf, life moved on and a friend of mine came to see me. She brought me a book, "Detoxify or Die" by Sherry A. Rogers MD, (Prestige publishing). After she left I opened it to the middle part of the book and started reading. The topic, using infrared saunas to detoxify! She answered all of my questions about the process, what minerals need to be replaced after the sweat, how to start, what sauna she thinks is best and why, what to do in an emergency and how the sauna works to detoxify the body. I was a convert! Before we left for Germany I called the company to order the sauna. We agreed they would ship it after I returned home.

Mark and I busily began measuring space in the basement to decide where to put it. I visualized my beautiful new sauna cleansing my cells. It would provide my body a clean inner landscape that would be a foundation for a stellar attack against cancer cells. The sauna was here already in my mind.

The trouble began when the tall box arrived in our driveway. How big is this thing anyway??? I knew it needed to be assembled but this box is at least 6 feet tall, maybe more. We called the company and found out that the sauna comes in 6 pieces, the front and back walls completely intact. Looking at the dimensions Mark knew immediately that the sauna would not fit down the stairs to our basement. We began to think of options, putting it on the front porch (Yuck), sending it back, cutting the walls in half (thereby voiding the warranty or taking out the basement stairs.
I was overwhelmed by all of the ideas except sending it back and trying the 2 man sauna instead. Well...after checking the measurements we learned it wouldn't fit either, so we decided to sleep on it.

Buoyed by a friends confidence, Mark decided to tear out the steps that lead to the basement. This was after we discussed it and I saw that he had to try it. Yesterday I watch as my steps disappeared...a ladder in their place. He also had to cut a notch in the landing floor, a bigger notch in the overhanging wall (that was the obstacle in the first place) and construct a pulley system with 2X4s that are tacked into the back landing space. Whew...all in a days work. Now he must find several strong and daring men to move it into place and lower it down. Did I mention the box weighs 380 lbs? I know that it is 6 pieces, but still that is going to mean at least 2 heavy pieces. I asked that he do the actual moving while I am at work so I won't be a witness.

The next day...It is done. The sauna is in place and ready to use. When I am off of the oral chemo I will give it a try.

I had my tumor marker done yesterday. Not quite the results I was hoping for...2670. That is down, technically from my last one in Germany (2730)...but not much. I am on an oral chemo now and will get another tumor marker in 2 weeks. That one should be lower. If not I have to wonder at the effectiveness of the therapy. I am disappointed, not defeated.

This was a long note. For now I will close.

Deborah

Thursday, December 11, 2003 6:11 AM CST

Love is so healing!

Greetings,

Re-entry has been so tough this time. It started with a bladder infection that presented itself on the day we were leaving. Then 20 hours of door to door travel from Germany to home. We both have been able to sleep nightly so that is helpful. I developed abdominal pain that, after trying various remedies at home unsuccessfully, took me back to see my beloved internist. I told him I didn't want to make a habit of seeing him every time I come home from Germany! His caring manner and efficiency reassured me and gave me another option for the pain. I think I just need more time to rest and let this pass. I also saw the Dr. who does electro-dermal screening for me and got some feedback from that visit...some new remedies.

I am such a unhappy person when in pain. I can see why some folks may seem surly or negative, maybe they have pain. I was beginning to wonder if it was ever going to ease. I have a pretty high tolerance to pain usually, but had no reserves to deal with it. So if many of you wonder why you haven't heard from me, there you have it.

You must assume that if I am writing, I am better. That is true. I still have discomfort, but at this moment I find myself very grateful and that has opened the door for love to flood my heart. A bump in the road and I am off again on my journey.

I wanted to tell you about Maseka. I know you have read about her and some of you have had the pleasure (?) of meeting her. She is a pink tabby and a Gemini. She has 2 very distinct personalities. One, loving and sweet. The other is born of fears and is "aloof/ psycho/slasher cat". She always manages to sense when I am distressed and this time was no exception. She has been talking, purring loudly, sticking by me like glue and loving me fiercely at every moment. This morning as I awakened she made a little sound then moved next to me to purr. It wakes Mark up but it is so sweet. She likes to rub her face on mine which is especially comforting. It saddens me that visitors never see this side of her because she goes into fear mode and becomes a little dicey to approach. My little diamond in the rough. I give thanks for her today.

Mark has had a rough re-entry too. He has been inundated with business tasks, errands and snow removal. I know he hasn't felt well either and had an emotional day on Tuesday. He was worried about me and physically exhausted. I think yesterday was better and the sun was shining through his eyes. I am amazed at how he does it all and still cares for me unfailingly. Love is so healing.

One more thing...please check the photo page for new photos. I am not sure when I will get them there but soon.

More later with Love and Gratitude,
Deborah

Friday, December 5, 2003 0:26 AM CST

Greetings My Friends,

I suppose this will be my final entry before I go home!!
I am looking forward to that.

I feel great. I have been an ambasador for St Georg Clinic and orientation leader. It has been fun to give back. Today a new bunch goes for their first whole body. They were so busy that they had to move some patients to Friday, which I don't think they usually do. One of my friends, Scot had to sleep on the hot bed last night, because they were so full. I think he should get a discount.

It is early and Mark is sleeping. I slept so much the past few days that I just couldn't take another minute in bed. Plus I was still getting treated in my dreams. I want to move to dreams of shopping and enjoying the day...which is some of what I have planned today.

Dr. Douwes gave a lecture yesterday. He kept speaking about how fat Americans are, since he is about 40-50lbs overweight I finally said, "Surely other countries besides America are overweight too??" He said, "Yes of course, but everything starts in America." He was good natured about it and I felt good about it too...If we can start it, we can change it, yes?? I hope to be a model for that. So far my weight has been going up and down with colonics and fluid overload at the whole body. Did you know they give you 6-7 liters IV when you are there. I know you sweat a lot of it out but wow! We had a very good lecture on the whole body treatment on Thursday last week. Mark was there and took notes...I was napping.

Well I had best get to breakfast...I have local hyperthermia at 8:30. Then some bill paying (gulp).
Keep in touch and so will I.

Love,
Deborah

Friday, November 28, 2003 12:21 AM CST

Greetings,

I am feeling good today. I had to sympathize with Scott, a fellow patient who had whole body yesterday. When asked how he was feeling he said, "I seem to have lost my sense of humor." I know just how he feels that first day is a doozy.

We took a walk today and it was nice to get out, even if it was raining. WE walked over by the cemetary and deer pen. The deer were under the lean to staying out of the rain. The cemetary was full of colourful flowers and arrangements on the gravesites. We took some pictures. Very nice.

My tumor marker came back today, much the same result as in MN, 2700+. Dr. Kroiss didn't know what to make of it. I hope it comes down again and think it will. If this therapy is not effective for me then I guess I will find something else. I think maybe I just need to get a few of these treatments under my belt.

We have a wonderful community of patients and lots of joy here. So at least the time spent is a treasure.

More Later,
Deborah

Tuesday, November 25, 2003 9:25 AM CST

Greetings,

I am happy and excited to get my whole body hyperthermia tomorrow. All of my tests have been normal. The repeat CA-125 is pending. That one is a real roller coaster ride sometimes. YOU know how some folks scream and some seem to put their arms up to enhance the ride? Well...I have to decide how to ride this. It is like a ride in the dark...not knowing when you will rise or fall. Anxiety about the future does not help, I know that much.

There are some great folks here. Each with their own story, coping skills, beliefs and behaviors. It is a pleasure to get to be on this journey together. We have the best visits after dinner in the dining room! Lots of laughter and life, sometimes I wonder if we really do have cancer.

The weather is nice. I think in the 40s-50s today with sun. I have no idea if the tide will turn weather wise, but I sure like this weather. It is nice to be away from the media and news. We can get CNN on the telly but prefer the BBC.

Well...it is time to go to have some broth. I am on clear liquids today so that I will be clear for the treatment tomorrow.

Think of me on Thursday as you eat your turkey. I will be basking in gratitude.

Deborah

Tuesday, November 25, 2003 9:17 AM CST

Sunday, November 23, 2003 1:54 AM CST

Greetings from Germany,

We arrived on Friday the 21st. A long plane ride and a long layover in Philadelphia. I actually slept on the plane which was a great blessing.

It was wonderful to arrive in Bad Aibling. So familiar...and welcoming. It was nice to reconnect with many of my care givers and Dr. Kroiss. I had sent him a thank you note a few weeks ago and told him I would see him with my CA 125 report in hand and it would be lower. His first question..."Soo what is the number?" He was surprised when he learned of the steep jump in numbers. He said, "Let's talk more about this after Tuesday when we get your lab results back" He is going to recheck it. So I have dutifully put that whole number thing aside and am focusing on getting treated and enjoying life.

We have been having a nice time. We enjoy seeing folks who were patients here last time and new patients too. One couple from MN...I had talked to her on the phone about this clinic. It was fun to meet them at the airport and we are continuing to get to know one another.

Mark is doing some sketching and will later do some painting. This time he brought water colours. The oil paints have such a strong odor, so we left them at home. He is catching up on sleep and starting to feel better.

I have included my hotmail address. I am sending occasional notes in a group mailing. Some of your addresses have been returned to me and I am not sure why. Jackie W, Sharon Z, are 2 that have come back. Re send me your addresses on the hotmail e-mail and I will try again. Also Leah F, MD...if you get me an address I will include you in the mailings, if interested. I hardly got to talk to you while I was home. Barb N...send me your address. I am not sure I have the right one. Anyone eles that wants to be on the group mailing can send me a note and I will get you on the list.

I start treatment on Monday and it will be busy. Think of me on Wednesday when I visit the hotbed for another wholebody hyperthermia.

I feel better than I have for a long time. I have to believe that greater health is pouring through me. I am ever grateful for the opportunity to be alive.

Happy Thanksgiving week to you and check back later this week for an update.

With a Love for all Life,
Deborah

Wednesday, November 19, 2003 6:44 PM CST

Greetings,

It is the eve before my trip to Germany. I am looking forward to more treatment. Today was very busy and I am exhausted. I still have to pack and hopefully get to bed early.

I saw Dr. Carson today. We had a wonderful visit. I had an exam that was negative. There was only one "fly in the ointment", my CA 125. It jumped to 2107. That was a shock to both of us. I am glad to be getting more treatment. I think it is very puzzling that my number went up so drastically. Dr. Carson told me she would have another CA 125 done tomorrow if I was in town. I know that the Drs. in Germany will do one, probably on Monday.

This is one roller coaster ride! I have to say the peaks are better than the valleys. I am very disappointed to say the least.

I will update this site at least weekly from Germany and let you know how it goes there.

More Later, as always...
Deborah

Saturday, November 8, 2003 9:55 AM CST

Good Morning,

It has been so great to feel better this week. Mark commented how unfair it seems that I have the lowest tumor marker I have had in a year and have spent so much of this time coughing and sick. I know I am getting better now so that is encouraging.

I saw Dr. Carson's nurse oncology specialist this past week and she told me not to take chemo this time. This allows my body to heal and immune system to be ready for the treatment in Germany later this month. I will see Dr. Carson on the 19th before we leave. I will have my CA 125 done then. We decided not to do it this week as it would be done anyway on the 19th. I await good news with that test.

Mark and I have been in a clearing out mood this week. We got rid of some un-needed stuff in the basement, I cleared out files that had not been purged for awhile and in general have made the trash can outside bulge. I believe that represents what is going on inside of me too...clearing out what I do not need.

I had 8 hours at work yesterday. It was one of those mandatory education days. I re-certified in CPR and did the mandatory education for the year. I was so tired when I came home that I had to have a long nap. It was fun to see some friends and be at work. I have not been there for a couple of weeks. I will work a few shifts before leaving for Germany.

Well, we are going to a celebrate the arrival of a new member to our community. Our friends adopted a boy named Jacob. There will be a big party for the new family today and both men and women will be there so I won't call it a shower. But shower we will...love, presents and presence!!! Life is good.

Thank you all for your support and love. I continue to have money trickling in from the fund-raiser and I see my debt load lightening. It is wonderful to be loved and to love. I know that many have contributed cash and I am unable to thank you individually so I wanted to say thank you now. It is deeply appreciated.

More Later, with Love,
Deborah

Sunday, November 2, 2003 2:28 PM CST

Greetings,

It is Sunday and I am feeling better. I still have a cough and low energy that requires lots of rest. I think Mark is going out to do some raking today. I want to go too but I guess it is not wise.

My fund raiser was spectacular! From the photos Mark took and others that I remember seeing, I believe there were around 75 people there. It was at Mark's publisher's Russian art gallery. The food was wonderful, Dr. Heegaard's band was playing... they are very talented. The silent auction was a big hit with some bidding wars, all in good fun. I especially loved being in the gallery with the beauty of the paintings and the love of good friends. It was just perfect. My community of loving friends raised over 11 thousand dollars for me. That will help to pay for my next visit to Germany later this month.

It was just wonderful to experience the love from the community of friends and co-workers I love. I am deeply grateful for them and their generosity.

We had tickets to a concert (Nickel Creek) on Friday night. Though I was still coughing, we went. It was a drive of about an hour to St. Cloud. We got there early and checked into a hotel. The traffic to St. Cloud on Fridays is heavy as many still are going to their lake cabins. We rested then went out to eat and saw 2 friends at the restaurant who were also panning to attend the concert. The theater where they played has room for 750 people and was sold out. We purchased our tickets late and were told there is not a bad seat in the house. I believe that to be true. The acoustics were great. This band played several songs in their encore set and all without the aid of electric amplification. We could hear the slightest sound and we were 3 rows from the back in the balcony! It was so enjoyable for me to be out.

Please check out the photo album. I put some pictures on it from the fund raiser. Also sometime this week many of Mark's photos of the benefit will be on the web site www.daehlin.com. So if you missed it you can see the fun we had.

Tomorrow I have my blood drawn for another tumor marker and complete blood count. I am supposed to start chemo again on Tuesday but I am thinking I will check with the Dr. I am still not well and want to be in tip top shape for my whole body treatments/chemo in Germany. I think my body could use some recovery time from the bronchitis. I hope the Dr. agrees.

More Later, with love,
Deborah

Tuesday, October 28, 2003 7:47 PM CST

Greetings,

I am emerging from a haze of fever and coughing. It is such a crisp feeling to be up and dressed in clothes doing some normal activities. There is so much hope in those first few hours of feverless health. The only reminder of the past is the lingering hack.

I am such a weenie when it comes to a fever. I am not kidding. It is a good thing I had an anesthetic for the hot bed in Germany. I can't even imagine the malaise of 108 degrees...probably like the jungle bearing down upon you.

I missed our spiritual seminar but was able to see a couple of folks from out of town and that was wonderful. Mark was able to go and enjoyed it very much.

This week on Thursday is the benefit my friends are having for me. I believe the web site (www.daehlin.com) is updated now to reflect more of the items in the silent auction. What a wonderful community of friends have I!

Well I believe I have some vegetable soup waiting for me so I must go. I have my next tumor marker test next week so I will have another update for you then.

More Later,
Deborah

Friday, October 17, 2003 3:44 PM CDT

Dear Ones,

Just an update. I am doing great. Feeling so well and on the mend. My cold is a distant memory. I am back on the oral chemo for 10 days. That is going fairly well. I am watching for worsening side effects that may require me to stop the chemo but so far just have minor side effects to contend with.

I am still religiously taking my supplements, homeopathics, aloe and getting qi gong. Lest I forget...my network chiropractic and electro-dermal screening. See I am a busy gal...in the healing business. The qi gong master was very happy and told me my liver is so much better. I was relieved to hear that.

I feel like I have a permanent smile affixed to my face. I have been dancing around, singing and rejoicing. I know my next CA-125 report to you will be even better. I am still cognizant of the need to finish treatment and reach the full manifestation of the cure. I also appreciate my good friend Sheila's words of wisdom...not to start over doing. How well she knows my old pattern. I hope I am smarter now and have replaced that pattern with a new one. I still test my energy limitations and have realizations surrounding that issue. It is a challenge for me for sure.

I have had some fun things to enjoy this week. I went to my girlfriend's group birthday gathering this week. We have taken to celebrating our birthdays and the last 2 times have done an activity to celebrate. We took an Italian cooking lesson one day and this past week painted pottery. It was fun and as always we savor the time we can spend together. Tonight I am going to a theater production with a friend. That will be fun.

Mark is busy painting, meeting his next deadline for early next week. Then later in the week we have a spiritual retreat--The World Wide Eckankar seminar. Both of us are excited about that.

My friends have been planning a benefit fund raiser for me. The date is set now...Thursday, October 30th. It will be located at The Hadley Companies Gallery in Bloomington, MN. There will be a silent auction, tickets sold for door prizes, music, light refreshments and time to socialize a little with my friends and loved ones. Please check out the donated web site: www.daehlin.com. It has more specific info and the catalogue for the silent auction is on that site. It is a site in process...so check it frequently for updates to the catalogue. There are some really neat things on there and out of towners can bid too.

Thank you for your love and support. I rest in peace with it.

Deborah

Thursday, October 9, 2003 9:58 AM CDT

Greetings,

I am writing this week with GOOD news. I will tell you the story of my tumor marker. Before I left for Germany Dr. Carson did my tumor marker test and the result was 3456. While at the clinic in Germany one of the Drs. there told me not to even check my tumor marker for one month because it would likely not go down until then.

I saw Dr. Carson 2 weeks after I got home. She did my tumor marker that same day and I never called about it. I figured I would wait for the one month number.

I saw Dr. Carson yesterday and again she did my tumor marker. I usually don't get that result until late the same day or the next day. During my visit though I found out that the tumor marker number had dropped to 799. I was jumping for joy! I think she was surprised that it had changed that much and she was also very happy for me.

Later in the day I called to find out if my number had dropped. I was hoping it would drop to 500 or so. To my delight the number had dropped to 165!!! Dr. Carson's nurse was very surprised. There was lots of whooping and hollering and dancing at my house last night. I so feel like I am just around the corner from a permanent remission.

I am still learning a lot from this experience. At our temple on Sunday at the service I was very tired. I fell into a contemplation that was totally centered around healing this cancer. It was an intense experience and I learned that I had asked and it would manifest...only needing my acceptance. Could it be that we stand in the path of God's rich blessings and love for us and we don't realize the shadow we cast?? I have said it before...this experience has taught me soo much about myself and God's love for Soul.

I a grateful for this gift. I told a friend yesterday that I feel like I have gotten a new car (my body) and I will be a good steward of it. I am grateful for all of you. Your friendship and love. Thank you for your support.

Onward and upward I go.

More Later with Love,
Deborah

Monday, September 29, 2003 10:10 AM CDT

Dear Friends,

It is a wonderful morning because I feel so good. I slept a little longer today and awoke refreshed and ready to go. I will be staying home awaiting a call from the plumber. Our kitchen drain is clogged.

Yesterday Mark tried to get it cleared. It is a tough one because the pipes have 2 hard right angles and it is hard to get the "snake" down into the them. So he bought this device that one puts on the garden hose. It balloons up like the balloon on a catheter and blocks the pipe and presumably the pressure from the water unblocks the obstruction in the pipe. That is unless it goes up the exhaust vent and runs down the roof!! What an experience. The water also somehow ended up in the basement. It necessitated clearing off some shelves and sopping up the water that collected on the floor. Mark and I got busy moving wet stuff and Mark declared that we needed to clean out a bunch of junk. Really!!

I realized how tenuous my nerves are yesterday. I have little reserve for stress right now. I know I will get more resilient over time but for now I need smooth sailing. Or I need to "buck up" a little more.

We had dinner with friends at their houses on Saturday and Sunday night. That was great. I enjoyed spending time away from the house and with loved ones.

I am doing well with the new chemo I started on Thursday last week. It is given by mouth for 10 days on and 10 days off. I had a headache the first 2-3 days. Sunday had very little headache, so maybe I am getting used to it. Otherwise NO side effects. The dose was prescribed by the Drs. in Germany and is less than the usual dose. Because the heat injures the cancer cells I need less chemo to do the job. That is wonderful for me! I hope I continue to tolerate this medicine well.

Here's looking forward to a good week. May yours be good too!

More Later,
Deborah

Monday, September 22, 2003 7:21 AM CDT

Dear Friends,

I am really starting to feel like I am home. The pure joy of being here has been muted by this chest cold. I have spent much time resting. As I emerge from this I am noting an improved relationship with joy!!

I have been doing much research on alternative/complementary treatments for cancer on the internet. While in Germany I got some good information and those sites have been a spring board for more information. I have a fairly critical eye and because I am from the "Show Me State" of Missouri, I don't take every statement as Truth. It does provide a stretch to my awareness and allows questions about my own willingness to move out of my comfort zone into patterns that I can utilize to heal this cancer fully. I know the trip to Germany was a valuable step. I am also aware of changes that I am making to continue to do my part. Life is much like that...we get help along the way and help ourselves to create changes that heal.

I am ever reminded that what works for one person doesn't always work for another. There are so many paths to take and polar opposites seem to scream imbalance to me. So I strive to learn as much as possible, take the information inward to contemplate and accept the Divine messages as they come to me. It has seemed to be a tried and true method for me. Through my research I have come up with some good information and should any of you wish to hear about some of the resources I have found most helpful, please e-mail me and I will pass them along. Our health is too valuable to ignore or to place into the hands of another. Taking responsibility for that gift of health requires discipline, dedication, love and surrender. I would encourage anyone who is dis-eased to do what you can to heal. And to those of you who enjoy balanced health, keep a watchful eye on what you take in to your body. It is easier to maintain than regain.

I am hoping to get back to work this week. I am excited to be out in the world a little more. I miss all of my co-workers too.

I guess for now this is all. Thanks for your calls and notes. It is great to hear from you.

More Later...with love,
Deborah


Thursday, September 18, 2003 10:50 AM CDT

Dear Friends,

It is Thursday and I am HOME! I am so glad to be here. It was 9 hours the first leg of the trip and 3 hours the second. My cold was in full force and I had lots of pressure in my ears upon landing, losing my hearing. It came back as the pressure stabilized. It was one miserable trip. I am glad I did not postpone it as I flew into Philly and I think US Airways has canceled many flights on the East coast because of the hurricane.

The cold went to my chest and I knew it was likely I was having the nadir of my WBC's ( dip in infection fighter white cells). So I drug myself out to the Dr. The good thing is I got to see Dr. Petersen and he speaks English. I got some antibiotics and cough syrup and went home. Am sleeping poorly and generally feel awful. After I finish this I will try to nap again.

I look around me and see many things I should be doing, like unpacking, business things like ordering my supplements. I guess there is a divinity in this as I am forced to rest more. That is probably what I wouldn't be doing if I was well.

Please check the photos. I have several new ones and will put a couple on each week or so.

Keep in touch. Feel free to call. Mark will check to see if I managed to sleep.

More Later,
Deborah

Sunday, September 14, 2003 11:43 AM CDT

Dear Friends,

I wanted to get one more entry in before I come home. It has been one wild ride!! I had my secnd whole body hyperthermia on Thursday. I have been fine since, except for a little cold. I was able to get my plane reservation changed to Tuesday.

I am sooo excited to come home. It has been boring here knowing that I am just waiting to get home. I wish I had tried to come on Saturday, but deep down know it is best that I wait.

I have met a lot of wonderful folks here. I believe this therapy is 100% effective for me and I will be happy to see evidence of it's results. I am not sure when they recommend my return but I think in 10 weeks. Meanwhile I will have some supplements to take and some oral chemo.

I have appreciated your notes and e-mails. It really helped me to stay centered here.

Well I know this is short but I can't stay on as long as I like. It is a community computer.

Stay in touch. Thank you for your thoughts, prayers and love. It supports and lifts me!

Deborah

Sunday, September 7, 2003 5:45 AM CDT

Dear Friends,
I updated this yesterday but see that somehow the message didn't get on the site. So here I am again.

I am doing well! I had the whole body hyperthermia and chemo on Wednesday. I felt pretty good by 3:00PM on Thursday. Except for mild dizziness and no appetite I did really well. I rested a lot on Friday and Saturday. There was a trip to a castle on an island in the middle of a nearby lake. I chose to stay here and rest and I am glad I did.

People have come and gone and I feel like an old pro here now. I have gotten the system down and can get what I need. It is very different being in the hospital here. We are responsible for getting to our therapies, our IV infusions and massages etc. If you are ill the nurses do everything for you as in an American hospital. I am thinking it is a good thing I am so healthy and can do everything for myself. I have seen some very sick people here and I give thanks for my health.

I look forward to my last week of treatments. I have the IVs, local hyperthermia, massages, foot reflexology, oxygen therapy and whole body with chemo on Wednesday. I don't think the whole body is a lot of fun, but I do think it is the most promising treatment I get.

I leave for home on Saturday the 13th. This week will be spent doing some administrative tasks, getting an itemized bill in English, getting a copy of my chart, a list of needed supplements that I may need to purchase before I go home (only available in Germany) and the discharge letter from my Dr.s here for Dr. Carson.

It has been quite the adventure. I have enjoyed the pace...very slow. Healing.

Until later,
Deborah

Saturday, September 6, 2003 10:23 AM CDT

Dear Friends,

It is Saturday and I think I am finally coming out of the "Chemo fog". I have been resting a lot. Even though they do not give me as much chemo as far as dosage, when you add the heat it really zaps one. I have my blood tested on Monday or Tuesday and get another whole body hyperthermia on Wednesday, plus more chemo. I then come home on Saturday the 13th. Looking forward to seeing Mark and Maseka. Of course Butch and Sheila too.

It is fall here and today we had a warm fall day. Everything closes early on Saturdays and no stores open at all on Sunday. Maybe the ice cream shoppe. I guess I won't be having that. Sugar feeds cancer and since I have been eating fairly well I suppose I should keep it up.

When I first got here I thought I had lost 10 lbs. Then mid week they said the scales were not working properly and I gained 8 lbs. Bummer. I was so happy and feeling thinner. Oh well.

I have found I really like the pace here. It is slow. I have treatments every weekday that generally keep me busy and IV therapy...Vitamin C and selenium. I take 30 minuites of oxygen and have either a massage or foot reflexology every day. On the day of whole body I am at the hospital downtown and sleep for 24 hours. I didn't believe it when they told me that...but that is definately what happened. When I am not having treatments or eating in the dining room, I am able to take walks, rest in my room or outside and read. It is very nice.

The people are especially nice. Everyone a different delight. I am enjoying meeting people from around the world. I may even speak a little German before this is all over. I like the Dr.s and nurses here too. Dr. Kroiss is like a teddy bear with reading glasses. Dr. Douwes is charismatic and ever the optimist. He just got back from lecturing in the States. He gives a lecture here to us once a week and is comical and intelligent.

Well...I just wanted to let you know that I am okay. My body is working really hard and I feel the effects of that. This detoxification is tough. But I know it is good for me.

More Later,
Deborah

Tuesday, September 2, 2003 3:35 AM CDT

Greetings All,

I am updating you between appointments. I had local hyperthermia today and she heated my cancer cells up to 55 degrees centigrate. Wow. That is the highest it has been. It feels like a gentle warmth to my pelvis. I like it and when it is turned off the maching gets immediately cold and I feel sad that it is over.

Today is the day I find out the chemo sensitivity results. I am curious to find out what they will be. We have a test from home to compare it to, only it tells what chemo the cancer cells are resistant to. Lets hope they can agree on one that will work for me. And I hope to have very little or no side effects.

I have had all my testing for the whole body hyperthermia and just need to see the WB Dr. for the consultation. Then tomorrow I am ready for my "hot bed", as one of the Dr.'s called it.

I continue to feel lifted by your support, love and prayers. I have made many new friends here and they all know Mark is leaving tomorrow. They will check on me in the evening at St. George Hospital as I will have to stay there overnight.

I will get another update soon. I think by Friday.

More Later,
Deborah

Tuesday, September 2, 2003 3:35 AM CDT

Greetings All,

I am updating you between appointments. I had local hyperthermia today and she heated my cancer cells up to 55 degrees centigrate. Wow. That is the highest it has been. It feels like a gentle warmth to my pelvis. I like it and when it is turned off the maching gets immediately cold and I feel sad that it is over.

Today is the day I find out the chemo sensitivity results. I am curious to find out what they will be. We have a test from home to compare it to, only it tells what chemo the cancer cells are resistant to. Lets hope they can agree on one that will work for me. And I hope to have very little or no side effects.

I have had all my testing for the whole body hyperthermia and just need to see the WB Dr. for the consultation. Then tomorrow I am ready for my "hot bed", as one of the Dr.'s called it.

I continue to feel lifted by your support, love and prayers. I have made many new friends here and they all know Mark is leaving tomorrow. They will check on me in the evening at St. George Hospital as I will have to stay there overnight.

I will get another update soon. I think by Friday.

More Later,
Deborah

Monday, August 25, 2003 5:54 AM CDT

Greetings from Deutschesland,

We arrived friday AM after an uneventful, sleepless flight. It has taken the weekend for us to recover and I think we are starting to normalize.

The clinic is very nice. The building is an old Franciscan monestary, lots of cherry wood doors and trim, marble floors and nice rooms. More like a resort than a hospital. It is a self serve kind of place. You pick up your supplements/meds in a blue container with the doses separated, eat in a communal dining room, bus your own plates and walk to your own appointments. We are enjoying meeting people from all over the world, many different kinds of cancers and various states of health.
They encourage a companion (helper) to come along and I hope after Mark is gone that I will do just fine on my own. I believe I am very strong as far as my current state of health so I should do fine.

I met 3 of the Dr.s here today. I am pleased with their knowledge and compassion. The treatment plan has already started with local hyperthermia, supplements, IV vit C and selenium. I am also getting massage three times a week and O2 therapy. The whole body should be scheduled for next week after they get a special blood test back from Greece that will tell them which chemo my cancer cells are sensitive to. That test takes 8 days.

The language barrier is not bad. Mark knows a few German words and he uses them occasionally. When he does that they begin to speak in German and neither of us understand them. I try to read their minds but they think in German!

Bad Aibling is a spa town. It is small with windy hilly streets, narrow sidewalks and fast driven cars. The Alps are nearby and the view is awesome. The air is very clean...I catch that quality that is present after a storm, sweet, electrically charged molecules. The weather is dry and pleasant--70s in the day and 50s at night. There ae hardly any bugs! We have no screens on the windows and it makes me feel closer to nature.

Mark is doing well. When he finds some turpentine he will get to painting. I will be busy with appointments every day and he had already found several locations where he can paint.

Well...I will update this later in the week. Keep in touch.

Deborah

Wednesday, August 20, 2003 9:39 PM CDT

Dear Ones,

It has been a busy time for me. Today has had some stumbling blocks but nothing too crazy. I saw Dr. Carson today and had a nice visit. I am healing from my surgery and the pain I have been having is not anything serious according to a CT scan that I had today. So I have passed all my tests and I am ready to fly!

I will try to keep this site updated. I may update it more than once a week so check. If you see nothing in a week and want to check on me please send me an e-mail at the address below. I will be able to check that and stay in touch with you.

The fund raiser is on. A solid date for the benefit evening is not set at this point. A catalogue will be available sometime in September. If you would like more info about the catalogue please notify Cindi at this e-mail address: funds4deb@yahoo.com.

Finally...I was reading a book and came across one of my favourite poems. I love the cadance and the message. For me I can say there is a lot of truth in it.

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads onto way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence;
Two roads diverged in a wood and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost (1916)

Heres to another "way leading onto way", as I try this road less traveled by.

Keep in touch.
Sending Love,
Deborah

Friday, August 15, 2003 11:38 AM CDT

Greetings,

I am off to Germany to take the cure!! We leave next week on Thursday. I will be there three weeks and Mark will be there with me for the first part of the trip.

I am so excited and ready to start treatment. Now that I can visualize where the cancer is, it makes it more real to me and I feel an urgency to treat it. The USA patient liaison office for the German clinic has had slow communications from Germany as Dr. Douwes has been out of the country. It is probably just as well that I didn't go this week as I am still recovering from the surgery and pretty sore.

I am busy with lists and getting those tasks done before we leave. I feel like everything is falling into place with ease.

One thing I wanted to let you all know about...my friends at work are having a benefit for me to help defray the costs of this health care. There will be a silent auction and a drawing for a door prize on the evening of the benefit. I believe I will be able to get this site updated next week before I leave with an e-mail address that will have the catalogue on it if you would like to see what is available.

I am not sure I will be able to update this site from Germany but please check it in case I can. I will have a new e-mail address below that I should be able to access in Germany. So if you wish to keep in touch please use that address.

Now that the "business" part of this is over I wanted to tell you how deeply grateful I am for my life here on Earth. It is such a joy to be here and I love life! I am awed at the power of Divine Love and dedicated to serving God. I feel God's love supporting me in every moment. I am especially grateful for all of you, my family and friends. Your love and support is the eye of the hurricane, an anchor in a storm and a blessing that knows no bounds. I have to stay around for many years so I can continue to share this precious life with you all...dear ones!

I am full!
Deborah


Friday, August 8, 2003 8:59 AM CDT

Good Morning,

I wanted to get an update to you this morning. I am still clearing the affects of general anesthesia and have little pain or discomfort otherwise.

First of all, my anxieties about NOT being at Abbott were allayed by the wonderful care I received at Fairview University Hospital. They were great. The MDA who cared for me taught many of the MDA's at Abbott and he was wonderful. The nurses were great and as always, Dr. Carson was excellent. We had such a wonderful talk with her before the surgery. I was at peace before the surgery feeling divine love surrounding me.

After surgery Dr. Carson talked to Mark and to me in the recovery room. I can just remember seeing her. She said that I had very little disease, but she did find some in the lower pelvis, a couple of tiny spots on the liver and diaphragm. None of the spots were larger than 4mm so that is why the scans didn't pick them up. She told Mark that I needn't rush into treatment and 2 weeks to a month would probably be fine. In the meantime she could offer me a chemo to take by mouth if I wanted it. She is aware of our plans to go to Germany if they accept me as a patient and she is supportive. She even said if their remission outcomes are as good as they say that she would like to go over there and see what they do. She expressed some frustration that it takes the FDA so long to approve new treatments here and she is interested in the hyperthermia treatments I will be able to get there. It feels good to have her blessing and support in searching for a treatment that is non-toxic and works.

Meanwhile...I will await biopsy results, the ONC test that will determine what chemo my cells are resistant to and to hear from Germany about a treatment plan. The biopsy results take a few days, the ONC test about 2 weeks and Germany...any day now. I will see her in 2 weeks if still here.

Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers, love and communications yesterday. Sharona, thanks for feeding us last niight, or should I day feeding Mark. I am so fortunate to have such dear ones in my life.

With Love I sign this,
A Grateful and Happy Deborama!

Saturday, August 2, 2003 3:10 PM CDT

Greetings,

This has been some week. Lots of contemplation, dreams and happenings to indicate a big change is afoot in my consciousness.
I am awed at the way Spirit works with me to show me the way.

All of my scans were negative. I felt they would be but these tests are not wasted time because we were able to get info about my brain and lungs, two areas that Dr. Carson cannot see with a laporoscope. My laproscope is scheduled for Thursday August 7th, 10:30 AM at Fairview University Hospital. I couldn't get on the schedule with Abbott, at least not a time that would work for Dr. Carson. I am excited to get this done and get the information. I know it will segue into the next step on this journey.

I wonder if any of you have had mechanical snafus this week? I faxed two sets of information to two different places and though I received confirmation, the info never arrived. I guess it is lingering in a phone line somewhere or maybe it was a machine out of toner. Who knows...but it did make life a little busier for me.

I also heard this week that my health insurance was canceled. That was an input error with my employer. It really wasn't canceled and I knew that...but I was a little surprised when the insurance company said they were going to write the clinics and hospitals and ask for their money back for all the care I had received since February. There seems to be a lot of problems with insurance and hospital billing. Mostly on the hospital end for me. I have a person at the insurance company who watches my account and tries to correct Abbott's billing problems so they don't bill me unnecessarily. I usually end up calling once a week and speaking to Sally at Medica about yet another bill. I wonder what those people who are too sick to follow through or just beaten down by the whole red tape of it all, do with these invariable problems. I bet there are a lot of errors that go undetected. I am lucky to feel well enough to make the calls. When I was weaker and just too pooped to care Mark did the work for me.

Beautiful weather we are having. Mark and I took a bike ride to Abbott this AM and then went to the Uptown Art Fair for an hour. It was fun and I did well on the ride.

Well I will update after the surgery. I should also know if I am accepted as a patient at St George Clinic in Germany sometime later this week. I have been laying the foundation for a successful trip over there and should be ready to leave as early as the following week.

Thank you for your calls and hugs. I feel the love supporting me.

More later,
Deborah

Tuesday, July 29, 2003 8:30 PM CDT

Greetings,

It has been a wonderful weekend. I have rested a fair amount, plagued again by mild vertigo. I know I was told it may come back yet wasn't happy to have it back.

I had my CT scan on Friday evening. It went well. I got results on Monday--negative for cancer. Tomorrow I will do the PET scan. It feels like a play and I am awaiting the next scene. Meanwhile I am enjoying the present.

I was doing some research on a homeopathic called Fractal. I didn't get much info about this particular product, but did get some mathematical info that was fascinating. Geometry wasn't my strong suit and I have been happy to NOT think about it for many years. Yet this bit of information correlated geometry with biology...a connection I haven't thought of. Anyway..here is what I read because I can see I have piqued your curiosity.

Fractal geometry in mathematics recognizes redundant systems of organization in which the same pattern appears repeatedly on various levels of complexity until available space
is filled. In mathematics these geometric structures are called "broken dimensions" or "fractals".

Mathematical fractals are perfectly symmetrical and remain geometrically identical on any level of magnification. They exist between "strict order" and "chaos" in the realm of "determined chaos".

In the determined chaos of biological systems, small changes in the current state of the system can produce large future changes. This fact provides a possible explanation for the effectiveness of such healing techniques as acupuncture or homeopathy in which tiny stimuli may produce system wide changes that cannot be explained within traditional medical models.

This first paragraph reminded me of cancer cells in that they are redundant and fill space. I am not sure if they remain geometrically identical in any level of magnification but I do think they may fall into the "determined chaos" category.

It is good to know that small stimuli and it's affect may have an explanation. All I know is I have generally felt so much better since taking the homeopathic series I am taking. I can't help but think its effect profound. I know in time we will see my numbers fall into line. It is good to feel so well, for the most part, in the meantime.

I got some pictures back and wanted to show you some of my garden. It is such a pleasure to have it.

Well for now I will close.

More Later,
Deborah

Wednesday, July 23, 2003 10:40 PM CDT

Dear Friends,

Tuesday Mark and I took a trip out of town. We went to Red Wing to the company where his work is printed. It was a beautiful day, big cumulus clouds, rolling farmland and bluffs. I called for my CA-125 results from the car on the way down. I had an inkling that the tumor marker would be elevated but did not expect it to more than double. It went from 1461 to 3125. It was good to get the result ahead of the Dr. visit...gave me some time to process the news and formulate questions. I am big into questions.

I slept well last night. I was wondering if I would. I feel a sense of peace with this news that I am grateful for. The office visit was long...we waited for 3 hours before seeing Dr. Carson. We had a great visit. My physical exam was negative. The plan as it stands now is for me to have imaging again. I will start with a CT scan on Friday (head, chest, abdomen, pelvis), and if that is negative will have a PET scan next week. If that is negative will have a "second look laporoscopy" as soon as I can get on her schedule.

I talked to her about what chemo she would use if needed. She told me that if I have cells that she can collect with the laporoscope, they can test those cells and see what chemo they are resistant to. I am hoping to get that test...that should help me avoid months of therapy that does nothing for me. It is not that I want to have surgery, but I do think there will be an advantage to collecting cells for this test.

Dr. Carson and I both did a search on medline and came up with the same info...an elevated CA-125 usually means increase in tumor mass. So with that in mind, I think she wants the scans first even though we just did them in May. If the scans are positive I don't think she will do the surgery.

I am contemplating other choices including a trip to Klinik St Georg in Germany. I will be collecting more info on that option, cost, what they have to offer and if they believe they can help me. They do traditional chemotherapy, hyperthermia, vegetarian meals, other alternatives and may be able to offer me a new drug I am interested in that is available in Europe and still on trial in the USA. I don't qualify for that trial because of the stage of my disease. I find that many studies are for stage 3 and 4. Being stage 2, I cannot be in the trial. With the trial I could get randomized to the placebo....and I want the drug. Dr. Carson is familiar with this particular drug as they did a trial on it a few years ago. She thinks is would be a great drug for me. So we will see if there are cancer cells and what I can do to get this treatment. If I go to Europe I am thinking I will not have insurance coverage. Pretty sure about that. So I will have to get creative.

I left the Dr. feeling hopeful...something that I usually have difficulty feeling on a "bad news day". I usually get back to hopeful pretty quickly because I am forever an optimist. But it was good to leave feeling at ease, hopeful and full of life.

My liver is recovering. We talked about that today. I mentioned that when I had my bike accident the bike fell right on my right side, and I was sore in the liver area as well as into my abdomen. She thought maybe that contributed to the elevated liver function enzymes. They were much improved , just barely elevated. So that should just keep getting better.

So "onward and upward"! I will be enjoying a few more weeks of vacation for chemo, focusing on some research as far as the clinic in Germany and as usual, maintaining a positive attitude in my quest for NED (no evidence of disease).

More Later,
Deborah


Saturday, July 19, 2003 12:00 AM CDT

Dear Ones,

It has been another glorious week! I have enjoyed this time immensely.

If I tell you what I have been doing it will sound mundane...working 2 shifts, gardening, shopping at the Farmers Market, swimming and reading. Yet the astounding part of the mundane is the miracle of each moment. Every moment is such a special one. I think I am loving all life more than ever.

I had a moment of compassion for a squirrel. I usually can't say that I feel that. It was yesterday. I was out in the back yard enjoying the day when I heard an unusual sound...a squawking. It was a squirrel who was up in the mulberry tree squawking at 2 other squirrels who were waiting to chase him. They did so and a flurry of activity and swaying branches ensued. I see squirrels chasing others at times and have always considered it playful. This time however, I felt like the he was in trouble. Later in the day he was alone in the tree next door and making a sound that I think was a distress signal. I felt helpless as far as reacting. All I could do was send him love and wishes. I think that was actually a big thing to do...much bigger than our mind would agree to.

As I sat in the yard I overheard a neighbor arguing with someone on the phone. No, I couldn't hear the conversation in detail, nor was I trying to hear that. But I felt the tone. I spent a lot of time in the back yard that day and several times an argument erupted. I felt again the pain of another and sent a neutral wish and tuned into that love that flows like a river from the Divine Source and through those of us who will serve. Being of service to life is an honour. I am so happy to know that it happens anywhere, even in ones back yard.

I have my tumor marker and liver function studies drawn on Monday. I see Dr. C on Wednesday. Join me in visualizing my body cancer free!

Well I think I should get to making my pesto. I am into buying basil and making pesto to freeze for winter pasta bliss.

May your days be merry and bright,
Deborah

Thursday, July 10, 2003 9:45 PM CDT

Dear Ones,

I am feeling better all the time. I am amazed at how much energy I seem to have sometimes.

Saturday our neighbors gave us some compost/mulch. We put it on the 4 feet of new yard we acquired when we got our retaining wall last year. I have been trying to visualize what I will plant there and it has been great fun.

Sunday after our worship service we went with some friends to a big nursery. It was so great. We got some shrubs to put in our back yard. Since it is a shady area we had to get shade tolerant plants. We got 2 "Annabelle" hydrangea, the only one shade tolerant and 2 "Burning Bush" shrubs. Then we came home and gleefully planted the shrubs.

Monday we had to make a little trip to Stillwater, had lunch with Mark's parents and stopped by a landscaping place on the way home. We got some pavers so I can have a little path through the garden. I am thinking of a bench in the Northeast corner too. I also bought some peat moss. It seems the dirt fill they used is very heavy with clay. Sooo I dug up all of the plants we planted and loosened the soil with the peat moss, then replanted. While I was there I transplanted some native bushed that were around the mulberry tree (sounds like a song, doesn't it?). Mark couldn't stand it any longer and came up from the studio and started helping me. He loves gardening as much as I. He says he does it to "keep you from hurting yourself", but I know he likes it too. Then to finish it all we laid the pavers in a path that we like. We will need more pavers to finish...all in good time.

I have been enjoying my walks by Lake Harriet. I love to see the ducks and the ducklings, fish, heron, sailors, dogs, people, and the beauty of the sky reflecting on the lake in the evening. There is always something to remind me how precious life is and how happy I am to be here.

I worked on Wed and Thurs evenings for four hours each night. It was great to be there. A few folks commented that I look less swollen. My face, legs, feet, hands, and just about everywhere is less puffy. That made me feel grand!

Well I guess for now I will close. Know that I am basking in gratitude and love.

Deborah

PS. Check for new pictures!

Friday, July 4, 2003 1:48 PM CDT

Greetings,

Happy Fourth of July!

One of my favourite holidays. I am soo happy we live in a country of freedoms. I am not sure if we will make it out to see fireworks this year. I am feeling a headache coming on and am tired today.

It has been a good week for me. Lots of reading while sitting in the yard. I have been enjoying the wildlife in our back yard. Last night a bunny came within 5 feet of where I was sitting and ate some weeds. I sat real still hoping he would come closer and eat the grapes I had thrown into the yard not 3 minutes before, but he didn't make it that close. He was cute though and while he was nearby I asked him not to eat the flowers or tomatoes. He probably only heard the words "eat" and "flowers and tomatoes".

I have gotten some things done at home that are on my "to do" list. I have been moving slowly with lots of breaks. I swam this week and took walks. It has been just great to NOT have chemo on my "to do" list. I think my white counts are on their way back up as I have a bit more energy. I even worked last night.

Well I know this is short. I am going to try to fix the pictures. I know from past experience it could take much time and still not come out the way I intend it too...so if they seem wrong, know at least at tried.

More later,
Deborah

Thursday, June 26, 2003 10:53 PM CDT

Dear Friends,

This is the most amazing thing...I have written 2 journal entries and somehow the computer or I have lost them.

So here I go again.

It was a wonderful week. I had a good visit with my parents. See photo album for a picture.

Today was COLD. Yes...cold. I am always a little chilly after chemo for about 2-3 days so was especially chilly today and had to bundle up and take a nap before work.

I had a good visit with Dr. Carson yesterday. She reviewed all my scans. My tumor marker continues to go up, albeit slowly, only 13 points to 1461. All of my scans have been negative and I have been scanned thoroughly. Dr. Carson said that usually when a tumor marker goes up like mine has there is something to be found on the scans. She is admittedly puzzled at my presentation. Because it seems we are just "treating a number" ( the tumor marker), she suggested "watchful waiting". That means stopping chemo for now and letting my body rest and see what it does on its own. If my marker goes up significantly she will investigate with a laproscopic exam of my abdomen. If it stays the same or decreases we will just continue to watch it. I will still get physical exams and scans at intervals. I am thrilled at the prospect of not having chemo and letting my body have a chance to work with the natural remedies that I am taking. Having a functioning immune system is a plus...just in case one falls off the bicycle.

I visualize my body attacking any errant cancer cells. I ask to be cancer free and in optimum health as God wills it. Join me in this visualization if you want.

I will enjoy July, grow some eyebrows and enjoy lifes pleasures. I hope you are enjoying life too, it is precious.

More Later,
Deborah

Thursday, June 26, 2003 10:48 PM CDT

Dear Friends,

This has been a good week. I had a wonderful visit with my parents and am now getting back to work and getting some much neglected paperwork done at home. I still have some weeding but it was just too COLD today. Yes...cold. We has quite a cool down after a few days of storms. I was 2 days post chemo and tend to have chills anyway, so it was a good day to bundle up and take a nap before I went to work.

I saw Dr. Carson on Wednesday. We reviewed the fact that there is no evidence of cancer on the CT scans, MRI of my brain, and PET scan. My tumor marker went up a little, 13 points. Since she doesn't know where the cancer is it seems we are just "treating a number". So she proposed "watchful waiting". I was thrilled because that means stopping chemo and seeing what my body will do. My kind of plan!! I visualize my body taking care of any errant cancer cells and my tumor marker going down on its own, or staying the same. It is high, so I would feel better if it would chose to go down. We will see what happens. My liver complained a little this last visit, my liver enzymes (a blood test) were a little elevated. I think they should be fine next time. I had a lot of antibiotics plus a new herbal remedy that I stopped immediately. I had an intuition that the heerbal remedy was too strong for me and should have stopped it sooner. I am not sure what caused the liver to complain but would bet on that remedy. Maybe a combination of that and the antibiotics.

I ask you to join me in my vision of a strong immune system...taking care of any cancer cells. I ask to be cancer free and in optimum health as God wills it.

I will enjoy getting eyebrows back. Maybe thicker hair too.

Well it is late and I should be in bed.

Hope all is well with you.

Deborah
PS. check out photo page

Sunday, June 22, 2003 10:02 PM CDT

Dear Friends,

What a great week. My folks have been here visiting and we have had a nice visit. It has been wonderful weather. Though our activities have been somewhat limited by health matters, we have still had a good time.

I am so happy to see all the flowers and plants. My heirloom tomatoes are flowering and some tiny tomatoes are starting. It is so exciting to think of the green and black tomatoes I will be eating soon. I look at the back of our yard and try to visualize what it may look like in the future. As soon as we have some extra funds we will be planting something there besides weeds.

My health has been okay. I have had bouts of dizziness and nausea that seems to go away with a nap. I think that the vertigo is still telling me that I must rest more for now. It is inconvenient to get dizzy and have to lay down. But who knows in the Big Plan...maybe I am supposed to be resting more right now. The injuries from the bike accident are healing nicely and are almost gone. I will have a scar on my knee though.

I am hoping to work some this week. I have missed it. I have chemo this week and a Dr. Carson visit. Besides that I guess rest is on the agenda.

Hope all is well with you.

More Later,
Deborah

Sunday, June 15, 2003 10:04 PM CDT

Dear Friends,

It has been a busy week and I am tired. My parents are here visiting from Phoenix. It is wonderful to see them and we are having a good time.

Today I made dinner for Mark's parents, mine and Mark's brothers. It was fun. Yet a lot of work for me. I have used my parents visit for an excuse to do Spring house cleaning. I cleaned some things that have not been done for a couple of years. Of course I had to do them over the course of a month, but the end result is a satisfyingly clean house.

On Wednesday night of this past week I developed positional vertigo. I saw the nurse practitioner on Thursday and she showed me some positions to do to help relieve it and gave me some meclazine for the vertigo. I haven't had to take much of it because it has gotten better with time. The first 36 hours I was pretty much down for the count. Sometimes I wonder "What next?"

I did not get chemo last week, my counts were too low. I go this Tuesday and suppose I will be able to get it then. I am not really revved for this weeks treatment. I would like to not have it. I think there have just been too many things going on with me health wise and company wise.

It is 10:00PM now as I write this and I think I had better go to bed. I was not able to sleep last night...I think I had some caffeine. Anyway tonight I will be able to sleep.

To all: Sweet Dreams!

Deborah

Saturday, June 7, 2003 5:16 PM CDT

Greetings,

It has been an eventful week. I guess I will start with the bike accident.

I biked over to the Edina Art Fair because it is close to us,(12 blocks away), and difficult to negotiate as far as parking. While there I found some cereal sized pottery bowls that I liked and wanted to purchase. I debated walking them home with the bike. I decided to call Mark and have him meet me halfway at a local High School. As I got away from the crowds I was able to get on the bike and hold the wrapped bowls that were in a plastic bag on my thigh while steering with one hand. I did not call Mark because it was going so easily for me. I stayed to the less busy side streets, did not meet a car until less than 1/2 a block to my house. I was on a street that had recent work, a dig that exposed about 3 feet of pavement. It was covered over with sand, gravel and dirt. I was going VERY slowly and being careful. A car turned around the corner and came towards me in his lane. Since I was near the middle I decided to slowly move over. I placed both hands on the handle bars and moved over. I decided to brake a little as I approached the cut out of pavement. That is when it happened. I flew over the bars and the bike flipped up and landed on my legs and middle of my stomach. I somehow was facing the opposite direction too. I saw the blood and started crying. Three of the four bowls were broken. A lady stopped and helped me get up. I think I was in shock, it all happened so fast. I walked the rest of the way home sniffing and trying to repress the sobbing that was poised to release. Marco helped me to clean out the dirt from the scrapes and I put antibiotic ointment on the areas, covered them and laid down. I took a nap and when I awoke Mark had gone down to the fair and bought the last 2 bowls as a surprise for me. What a sweetie.

The week rolled on. I had chemo on Tuesday and my scrapes looked great. I saw a neurologist and had an evaluation of some headaches that I had been having. It looks like I have been having migraines for years. An MRI was scheduled for Friday.

Thursday I had a pedicure at a spa with a couple of my friends. My legs looked still pretty good. I worked later that day from 3-7PM. I had one of my friends look at the scrapes because they had just a small amount of pinkness around the scrapes that was new. I figured I would put more ointment on them that night and get in to see someone if they looked bad the next day.

After work I went with Mark on a photo shoot. We were gone until 10:30. From 9:30 on I felt like I was developing a fever because I had chills. By 11:30 I had a fever and the red spots had spread significantly and developed in 2 additional areas that had been clear before. We went to the Emergency Room and I had labs and ended up staying that night and the next to get some IV antibiotics. The really good news was my own white count was elevated from its usual resting place of the 3-4 range...so my body was fighting the infection. The antibiotics helped and today I am happy to report that the red areas are markedly improved and not as painful. I had a few moments of wondering if my white cell count was going to be low and require me to be in isolation...that would have been a scarier situation for me.

The MRI was negative. Dr Langer says I have a beautiful brain. I think Dr Carson was most concerned that I would have cancer cells in my brain. This latest test makes me negative for cancer from head to toe practically. Dr Carson came to see me today at the hospital and we talked about my plan and different options as far has how to proceed. For now we will go with the chemo for a few more weeks and re-evaluate after one or two months of watching the tumor marker trend.

I plan to rest a lot this week and try not to over do even though I have company coming and am cooking Father's Day meal on Sunday. I will really enjoy all of that. I think my body will make me rest because I am now again anemic and have started on Procrit again.

Lots of other news to tell you but this is the most I have energy for.

One more thing. Sobbing is very theraputic. I think I heard myself voice some emotions that I had kept under wraps for awhile. It gave me pause from the stoic tough gal I present myself as most all the time. We all need that permission to dig deep and let out the worries, fears and irrational thoughts that are "unacceptable" to us. I guess you could say this bike wreck allowed me a walk on the "shadow side" of myself. Not a bad thing to do. Keeps things real.

More Later,
Deborah

Friday, May 30, 2003 9:16 PM CDT

Hello,

There is a wailing wind outside. It seems like it should be snowing. We are having a cool front move in. I have been closing windows and listening to the sound move around the house.

This is the weekend of the Edina Art fair. We did not enter that one this year. The two years that Mark was in that show there were strong winds. The first year a tornado passed over the first day of the show and last year we sat up in a thunderstorm that was windy. We feel rather smug not to be there this year and risk the tent blowing over.

I have been feeling great. I mowed our lawn today then decided to surprise my neighbor and do hers too. She lives on the corner and I now know not to ever buy a house that is on a corner. I was almost done when she came home and caught me in the act. I was trying to do one of those anonymous kind acts. Anyway I am grateful to have such energy.

I got my tumor marker results today. It went up again. I spoke to the oncology nurse specialist and she agreed with my thought that my tumor marker was probably just on an upward swing and the chemo hasn't really had time to bring it down yet. She said to expect results after 6 or 9 weeks of treatment. The good news is that the CT, PET and internal exams are negative. So I am on track and not particularly interested in engaging in negativity surrounding this one result. I am once again, grateful for my good health.

I continue to enjoy the pace of being at home and not working much. I only worked one 4 hour shift this past month. I will be working a little more next month as my energy and health permits. I think mowing 2 lawns with a push mower was like working 4 hours. It feels good to work.

Hope your weekend is good. It has been kind of fun to write to you more than once this week. I feel like I don't have many funny stories to relate. The main thing I would like to say is that I am awed by how easily life works for me when I just go with the flow. It is divine. I think I am more relaxed and happy than I have been for a long time. So I will just go with that and enjoy the wonderful life I am living.

Keep in touch,
Deborah

Wednesday, May 28, 2003 9:37 PM CDT

Greetings,

Today was a good visit with the Dr. I heard news of my CT scan and PET scan. Both were negative! I think that is great. It does not answer the question of where the cancer cells are but does tell us that there are not large groupings of them. I also had my tumor marker test but do not have the results of that test. I will call tomorrow.

My plan for chemo is to continue the Gemzar and plan to get it weekly times three with a break on the fourth week OR get it at intervals that my bone marrow finds acceptable. I wonder if I might fall into 2 weeks on and one week off. We will see how it goes. I will see Dr. Carson every month and have my tumor marker test done.

All in all I was very pleased with the results of my tests. It was just as I would have wished it to be.

I had chemo yesterday and it went well except for a nasty headache yesterday evening. I do occasionally get those on the day of chemo.

Other news, it is so nice here. I am enjoying the outside world...the fragrance of flowers, the beauty of green trees and our new tenants at the bird house. Chickadees. They are fun to watch.

Thanks for all the e-mails, cards and wishes. I feel supported and grateful.

More Later,
Deborah

Sunday, May 25, 2003 7:18 PM CDT

Greetings,

It has been a wonderful weekend so far. I have been doing some projects. I planted some new annuals and re-potted some house plants. I love getting my hands in the dirt. After planting I decided to prepare the ground for a little grass seed. It was a big job and the stuff sore muscles is made of. I hope it comes in...we shall see in 10 days.

I am also refinishing some adirondack chairs with Mark's help. I used the power tools! It has been fun but is a big project and required lots of rest periods between spurts of energetic work. We unscrewed all of the wood on the 2 chairs and ottomans. I then started the sanding process. I used a belt sander (dangerous) and a finishing sander. My back is complaining now so I will have to do more tomorrow. It is a fun project and I love doing these things so I am happy.

I did not get chemo this past week. My white cell counts were too low. The plan is for me to get my blood checked and probably get chemo on Tuesday then see Dr. Carson on Wednesday.

I have been feeling great as far as energy. I still have to rest a lot, but all in all I feel good. I think skipping chemo has something to do with that. I think too that the complementary things I am doing also help.

I got 3 new tomatoes...heirlooms. I am so excited to see what develops. I found a sunny part of the back yard and put them in pots. It is so exciting to be out in the garden.

Well for now I must close. I have some correspondence and other work to do.

Happy Holiday.
Deborah

Sunday, May 18, 2003 10:54 PM CDT

Greetings,

It has been a grand celebration this week. It seems I had some kind of happy visit, phone call, gift, lunch or party every day. I am glad to be here another year and to love and serve all life.

I have been feeling good for the most part until today. We got up early and took a bike ride to a restaurant for breakfast. There was a big hill before we got to our destination and I had to give it up and walk the bike up the hill. I was short of breathe and exhausted when we got there. I had some concerns about my ability to ride back but after some sustenance I felt revived and ready to slowly ride home. I did a little work around the house and kept feeling dizzy. I bet my hemoglobin is low.

My friend Kay hosted a birthday party for me and it was so much fun. I have such a wonderful group of friends. Great blessings in my life. Jan got some nice pictures so I am hoping to get some on the site for you to see.

I am loving Spring. The trees are almost out and our flowering tree in the front yard is just starting to have beautiful purple flowers. Mark and I planted some annuals and more perennials in the back yard. I was particularly taken with the Gerber daisies. I bought 3 different ones and have since learned that the rabbits are taken with them too. I know they eat the tulips as I have caught them in the act late at night. I am not sure if there is anything that will repel them but I would like to be the one to enjoy the daisies.

The new walkway in the old trolley path has some new trees. I think it will eventually have plants and flowers too. It brings more of our neighbors around and I think brings us more into the community. When we are in the back yard neighbors stop to chat. We have lost some privacy and certainly don't like the light shining in our back yard, but all in all we are getting used to the change. As the leaves come out some of the light is blocked and that is nice.

Did you see the lunar eclipse? It was awesome. Mark hung out for the whole thing and I checked it at intervals. We enjoyed being able to see it from the backyard.

I have my third chemo this Tuesday. I am hoping all goes well with my blood counts. I have my white counts and platelets checked before each treatment. If all goes well I will have this treatment and next week will go to see Dr. Carson for my pre-chemo checkup. The rhythm has changed for every 3 weeks to every 4 weeks as far as seeing the Dr. It seems like a vacation of sorts.

Well it is bed time and I am ready.

Thank you all for your wishes and support.

More Later,
Deborah

Monday, May 12, 2003 10:15 PM CDT

Greetings,

It was a wonderful day today. So beautiful and full of Spring! My tulips are blooming and after a weekend of rain; trees, grass and perennials are bursting out from the stillness of winter. It is such a time of renewal.

I had an early birthday dinner with a good friend tonight and we celebrated her birthday also. We have shared a dear friendship for 15 years now. I am awed at the gift of her friendship. She probably knows more about me than I do!

I am feeling grateful for all of my friends and the treasure of friendship. I am fortunate to have so much wealth.

I have been feeling tired for the most part. I think when the small dose of decadron wore off about Thursday of last week I kinda crashed a little. I had a few days where I enjoyed 2-3 hour naps along with my usual 8 hours of sleep. I didn't meet all my goals as far as getting the house clean but feel glad to have gotten one or two items crossed off the list each day. I think the house will be done in steps and I shall rejoice at small steps.

I have not heard about my CT scan and PET scan. I choose to wait until I am in the DR. office to get the news. I think my regular Dr., Dr. Carson will be out of town next time I go which will be the 28th of May. I will be able to get the news of the studies from the Fellow that I see and that will be fine. So until then I am blissfully unaware of the location of any cancer cells. I think I like that for now.

Tomorrow is my second treatment in this series of chemo. I look forward to receiving this medicine. I invite it in to heal and bring light and love into my body, as God wills it.

I will be 46 years old on Wednesday. A gift to be sure.

Have a wonderful week and get outside if you can, it is such a healing season.

May the Blessings Be,
Deborah

Wednesday, May 7, 2003 1:07 PM CDT

Greetings,

Yesterday was my first day of a new chemo agent! It is called Gemzar. Supposedly it is "well tolerated" so I will probably not have a lot of side effects to contend with.
All told, I feel very good and am pleasantly surprised. I think this chemo will be good to me.

I have to say that I think my energy is much improved with the homeopathic remedies and the aloe extract. That is very encouraging. Everyone says I look good and have that light shining in my eyes. I know I am grateful to feel good.

I will get my next treatment next week on Tuesday the 13th. My birthday is the next day. I am looking forward to that because it is likely I will allow myself some cake. I like celebrations.

My heart goes out to those of you in my old stomping grounds who lost so much after the tornado went through Stockton. Father Bill, Mom told me the new parish was damaged. And one of my friends parents lost their farm. You all have beem in my thoughts.

I am at my neighbors writing this as our keyboard quit working and we are getting another.

Thank you for all your notes, cards, e-mails and calls. The support is awesome.

More Later,
Deborah

Wednesday, April 30, 2003 11:02 PM CDT

Greetings,

I have news today. I went to see Dr. Carson for my pre-chemo check-up. I had my CA-125 checked and was bummed when it had more than tripled. It was 272 and is now 985. I believe the cancer cells have become resistant to the chemo I was getting, I wondered if that were the case when my marker dropped only 13 points last time. Then my full course of topotecan was interrupted by a cold. I am not sure if that contributed.

The next step is to do another baseline CT scan and in addition I will get a PET scan. The CT scan has always been negative and I hope it still is. The PET scan is more sensitive and I hope may give me indication of where the cancer cells are. It is sometimes easier to believe the cancer is really there if one knows where it is. I believe that in the case of ovarian cancer it is often spread about in small groups that are not noticeable to the CT scan. The fact that we don't know where it is doesn't change the tumor marker number nor does it change the treatment plan. I will be happy to get this new test for the information it may provide.

I will start a new chemotheraputic agent on Tuesday. This one is called Gemzar. It is given once a week for three weeks then one week off. It has similar side effects to the chemo I was just on except the nausea is not as bad because I don't get it for 5 days in a row. I am grateful for that. My hair should stay where it is at or thin a little more, but I will not lose it all. I think the only different symptom is that I may feel flu-like after this chemo. The likely number of cycles seems to be "several". I can only hope I achieve remission.

I am learning to let news like this "just be". I feel a lot of course...I feel sad mostly and a tad bit like I have done something wrong to have drawn such a sick card. But all in all it is only one card in a hand full of many blessings and as such I can feel at peace with it.

I ask that you join me in asking that God's will be done. I ask for health and remission if it is for the good of all concerned. I give thanks for my family and friends. You are all such a blessing in my life. I invite calls and notes. Your communications mean a lot to me.

I wish you all well and will stay in touch, let you know how my tests and chemo goes.

Sending Love,
Deborah

Saturday, April 26, 2003 10:13 AM CDT

Greetings,

It is a beautiful day, the sun is shining and the cats are looking out the open windows wishing to be a part of it all.

I am feeling much better. My cold has resolved for the most part. I weathered it well as far as immune response. There were many nights of difficult sleeping but I am hanging in there.

I look forward to seeing Dr. Carson and getting my tumor marker tested. I suppose there is a chance that it will not go down this time. I am hoping some of the other remedies I am taking will help it to come down. That would be grand! I find I can't be attached to the outcome as I risk disappointment.

We are doing a little house project this weekend. Mark is updating his studio. We took all of the artwork, furniture, books and other studio items out of the room and squished them into the rest of the basement. That took many hours. Mark's brother Daniel came to help us. I had to stop helping early on. It is so exciting to paint and clean things up. Mark is getting new carpet and painting. He has needed to do this awhile.

I worked once this week and it was good to see everyone. It was very slow. Nice for a change. I really like working. It is good to get out and feel productive. So much of my life I have been a hard worker. I work when I am at work, work hard to keep the house nice, do projects around the house, yard work and generally like to keep busy. It is not in my nature to rest. I think that is the hardest thing about recovering health, all this fatigue. It limits my normal patterns of overworking. There is nothing worse than messin' with my dysfunction!! It is one of the things about this that will bring tears, not being able to do the things I have done in the past. It has been so long since I have had really normal energy, I wonder if it will come back. I hope so but once again maybe there is a lesson in this for me. When I die I don't think "She kept a clean house." will be one of the important things mentioned.

Well I am supposed to be doing some bill paying so I had better get to it.

Keep in touch and enjoy the weather.

Deborah

Thursday, April 17, 2003 10:53 PM CDT

Greetings,

I have a cold. I haven't had one for years. I went to chemo today and my nurses took a look at me and called Dr. Carson. She said to hold chemo these next 2 days and ordered some antibiotics.

I am sad to not get the chemo and attack the cancer cells yet I am so miserable that I really know I need the rest.

I took a benedryl and slept a few hours this early evening. It was much needed. I am hoping this is over soon. I tried not to get this cold...Mark had it first and he slept in the back bedroom on the sofa bed for several days. We even celebrated our anniversary and didn't as much as hug! It was #8 for us, by the way.

So that is about all the news for now. I hope to have better news next week.

Deborah

Thursday, April 10, 2003 4:29 PM CDT

Happy Spring!

It is a beautiful day here and I am enjoying it/. Maseka and I went outside for about 15 minutes. I sat in a lawn chair and she sniffed around looking for green grass. No such luck as yet. The back door must stay propped open for her--her "escape hatch" to her inside world. I am grateful for days like these. It can turn cool still yet so we must enjoy the glimpses of Spring when we can.

I have been reflecting on my journey and the twists and turns that keep me entertained. I am careful not to get too wrapped up in the illusion of it, yet I must say that a part of living here is to be present with every moment and aware of it's gift.

You may recall I am a Rumi lover and one of my favourites is "The Guest House". He talks of welcoming each visitor ( "A joy, a depression, a meanness... even if they are a crowd of sorrows who sweep your house empty of its furniture...for they may be clearing you out for some new delight.". This is a reminder to me to live in gratitude even though the illusion is sometimes incongruent. I will include on this site a link to this poem. I hope you like it.

So what is the illusion this week....I went to see Dr. Carson. She is such a dear and I like her. I saw one of the fellows who I have seen a few times. Dr. Harkness. He did my interview and exam then Dr. Carson and he came back in to visit with me. I asked about how many more cycles would I need. She guessed 5 and Dr, Harkness had said "A few". We talked about my fatigue and she suggested I quit working. She said for me to think about it and we would revisit it in 3 weeks. Now that I know that my tumor marker will come down more slowly I think I have accepted that I will be visiting my girlfriends in MICC for chemo into the summer.

Yet later in the day when I called for my tumor marker report it had only dropped 13 points. I was disappointed and sad. I called to talk to the nurse specialist Pam and she told me that this could be a fluke and sometimes they see it come down just a few points then come down significantly the next time they draw it (which will be in 3 weeks for me). I initially felt the weight of "bad news" pressing on my sunny self. I just kept shaking my head. I went home and moped around a bit. I had thought I was at peace with it yet this news of a slower decline of my tumor marker (and hence a possible longer time of treatment), was a setback.

Today I am meeting this news at the door with a curiosity and acceptance. What will this twist in the road mean to me? What blessing does it bring? Can I be thankful for this too? I used to do a little exercise a few years ago that I found very helpful. It was a gratefulness practice. I held gratitude in my heart and repeated to myself..."and this too!". As I became better at dwelling in gratitude and felt I was gratitude...this phrase "and this too." became a potent reminder when I need a shift back to center. What is it like to feel grateful in any situation? It is such a joy and a relief. It makes all things loving and gifts me. The toughest looking situations have their purpose in this school of life.

I am noticing I am fatigued very easily. It is limiting. I guess that is why Dr. Carson suggested not working. I will think about that but must say that I really enjoy working and I am not working much, 4-8 hours a week and sometimes no hours. I will think about it. Do I sound like I want to bargain?

I am moving into plan B as far as complementary treatments. I had it in my mind that I would wait until I was done to venture into adjunctive therapy. But that was when I thought I would be done in April. Now I feel it is time to forge ahead and the testing I have had seems to support 2 things for me. I am using a aloe extract and a series of homeopathic remedies from France that seem to have wonderful results. I feel that both of these are compatible with chemo and relatively risk free. So onward ho! I am excited about the possibilities that these new treatments bring and glad that at this part of my journey the road signs guided me to them.

Well...next week is chemo week and I am inviting it in to heal me.

I will be in touch next week.

Deborah


Tuesday, April 1, 2003 9:40 PM CST

Hello All!

What a good week it is when I don't have chemo!!

I have been feeling good. I am still energy deficient yet it is so much more hopeful without nausea and that heavy tone of the chemo med. I am still grateful for it and invite it in to heal me and bring me love and light. Though it seems a strange request of a medicine that is so heavy and difficult...I know that it can work for me in mysterious ways with Spirit's help.

I am doing some new yoga positions this week. I can tell you I am not as flexible as the willow tree. I am sore in places that I could not believe I would be sore in. I am acutely aware of the need to take this very slow and not push myself into extreme positions...yet just the general direction of the position is almost too much. So I am altering them a little. Body fat limits me too. The yoga is so meditative, much like my swims. When I was a sophomore in High School, I spent one whole semester doing yoga. I did about ten positions (asanas). I was interested in yoga and not interested in softball (how un-American of me!). Miss Jackson agreed to let me do the yoga instead. She was so great. Anyway mid-way through the semester I took on a student. Man was I flexible! I got a good grade too.

I wonder if my rigid body reflects an inner condition of rigidity. I will ask and watch for an answer on what I need to be more flexible about. I can tell you one thing...I am impatient to be done with chemo. I know that is understandable yet I am aware of the divinity of it all...everything happening in its Divine time. I had planned to be done after 6 rounds. You have heard how to make God laugh? Tell Him your plans.

I saw my nutritionist/acupuncturist Warren King today. It was good to see him and to hear what his testing had to say. My organs are working hard from the chemo. He told me, " You will be done with chemo soon. Your body wants to live a long life!" I got a few remedies and some dietary advice. I also have a list of foot reflexology points that I will do once daily for awhile. I was so glad to see him. It is one of the things that I feel is a true gift to myself.

I thought I would put some more pictures of the North shore trip we took in Feb. It will soon be time for Spring pictures! We are having some Spring teasers...warmer than usual days. I love Spring and Fall and Winter. I am not as happy in the hot humid summer. It is one thing that my brother-in-law, Jonathan, and I have in common. We were lamenting the passing of winter just yesterday on the phone. We are certainly in the minority I suppose. One can always get warmer with snugly clothes...but getting cooler is another story. I think too I have more hot flashes in warmer weather. Yes...I still have them. I keep thinking they will go away. I suppose that is another one of those things that I need to be more flexible about.

Until next week...
Deborah

Thursday, March 27, 2003 10:47 PM CST

Greetings,

It is getting late but I wanted to give you an update.

My counts were good enough for chemo this week, so I have been going every day for my therapy. It is pretty good this week as far as nausea. Dr. Carson had me re-arrange my meds and I think it has really made a difference.

I am focused on the present moment and not thinking of the future at this time. It has been good to not roam around in the land of the unknown.

I had a visit with my Qi Gong master today and he said, "Good news...your channels are all open today." I believe that means my meridians are flowing and hopefully healing me as we speak. I sure like my treatments there. Very relaxing.

We have had some warmer days and a cold front today which brought some rain then snow. I have one more day of chemo and look forward to the weeks end.

I know this is short but frankly I usually don't even feel like writing the week of chemo...so you can see how much better I am. : )

Thanks for the calls and thoughts. I enjoy hearing from you even though sometimes you have had to talk to Mark and I was resting.

Happy Spring!

Deborah

Friday, March 21, 2003 2:08 PM CST

Greetings,

Happy Spring!!

There is so much going on now, probably in everyone's life as well as mine. I have to remind myself that this cycle will pass in time. It is a comfort to rest my being in God's light and sound. Whatever it is that brings you balance and comfort, I hope you are practicing that and resting peacefully amidst a troubled world.

I had my pre-chemo Dr. visit on Wednesday. I was hoping to be able to tell you that my tumor marker would be less than 20 and I would be done with chemo. I remember that on Monday a thought was presented to me...that I may not be done for awhile. I didn't like to entertain that thought but exactly that was confirmed at the Dr.'s office. Dr. Carson told me that once the tumor marker comes down less than 500 it goes down much more slowly...so that means it will likely be several more rounds of chemo. I was disappointed but not defeated. The good news is the tumor marker came down to 285...110 less than last time I had it checked. So surely it will not be more than 4 or 5 more times and it will be less than 20. The other blood related news is my white count was lower than it has ever been and may not recover by Monday of next week...so I may have a forced vacation from the chemo. The white counts (immune status) have to reach a certain parameter to get the chemo. Mine have always recovered but have never been this low, so who knows what will happen.

Otherwise...I am getting Qi Gong! I see a master and he manipulates the chi and opens channels in the meridians. I know that energy is moving when he is working on me and it is impressive work. I have a few more sessions scheduled and will keep you updated. It is an energetic work so often hard to describe. But I am alert to changes that are slowly evolving and know that it is helping my overall balance.

I need some help in the balance area as I am not sleeping well (trouble falling) and I find a low level of anxiety that I usually never feel. My life has had some other changes...good and challenging and I think that too has contributed to my unsettledness. It is a good time to practice surrender and dwell in the Ocean of Love and Mercy.

I have been doing a little yoga lately and that has been good. Still swimming at intervals and some walking. It is great to see birds migrating and hear their song. It has been warm and wonderful lately and we have had rain which is always a blessing.

I am grateful for the inner guidance and support I receive, for my family and friends. All of you have been such treasures. Thank you.

In times of turmoil...May you find peace in your heart if you so desire.

With Love,
Deborah

Saturday, March 15, 2003 4:21 PM CST

Greetings,

All in all it has been a good week. I have felt tired and have rested to recoup. I believe that I do feel better than I did a month ago.

It is a beautiful day today. It should hit 60 degrees. That is just the greatest. Mark opened the windows on the porch and one of them did not have the screen closed. I opened the door to the porch and the cats went out to enjoy the sun. Maseka found her way outside for a big adventure. I believe she likes to think of herself as adventurous and makes a fuss about getting out, yet if she gets out and the door is closed behind her she makes a pitiful mournful howl. So today when she got out no one knew. I was busy doing some work on the computer and had some music playing. Mark was working downstairs. He came up and saw her on top of the tire on the back of my car, even with the dining room windows and howling. Poor girl. She was so glad to get back in that she spent the next 30 minutes on my lap.

We have been riding the winds of change. It is intense and awesome. It certainly breaks up any idea of monotonous routine. I think it is good to be challenged by good changes and difficult ones. This time we get both at once. I think for the most part we are doing well with the changes, yet we have had some late night worry sessions. Surrender is a good thing as far as worries go.

I find out about my CA-125 next week. If it is below 20...no more chemo. If not I can't imagine that it will take more than one more cycle to bring it below 20. I am prepared for either option. If you hear a happy sigh that jingles your consciousness on Thursday...it is me celebrating good news. I will get an update on this site too.

Again thanks for your friendship and support. It means a lot to me.

Happy Spring,
Deborah

Saturday, March 8, 2003 10:59 AM CST

Greetings.

It has been well over a week and I have yearned to get to this therapeutic activity but just didn't feel like it. I have found that if I don't get things done the week before chemo starts, they often lay fallow. You should see the house for instance.

It is Saturday and I am feeling hopeful and happy. I do not have my topotecan today and that is my best news. The nausea should be resolving by tomorrow. This agent has such a heavy tone. Like a bad taste in the mouth. I finally resorted to a new med for nausea on top of everything else I was doing. It was great. It seemed to break the cycle of nausea enough to let me converse normally and smile a little. It did make me a little sedated. I think I have had my best nights of sleep since taking it.

Here is some news that I am not sure I shared with you. My tumor marked came down from 874 to 395. That is a whopping 479 if my math is correct. Soooo..IF it comes down that much again it will be way less than 20 which is Dr. Carsons magical number for me to quit having chemo. I have been on cloud nine when I think that this could be the last round. Yet I am am realist enough to know that I may have another round of chemo. I leave this in God's hands and request that I be done with chemo if that is for the good of all concerned. So we will see what news I have when my blood is tested on March 19th.

In general my visit with Dr. Carson went very well and we met on common ground about alternatives. I wouldn't say our vision is the same but respectful communication was had by all. She was very much her usual self, mellow and kind and I think having a better day than the last time I saw her. I remember right before I went into surgery with Dr. Wheeler and Dr. Carson last year I asked them how they were feeling. Always good to know your surgeons are feeling good prior to your surgery. I am so awed by them both when I think about my body in their hands. They saved my life and that is no little thing.

There is a lot going on peripherally in my life. Mark has some exciting new business news that has been both exciting and stressful. (Friends of Marco...a telephone call is in order!) Other news...my Dad had a neck surgery and is doing okay. It is taking a little time for him to come around but I feel positive he will be healing more everyday. There have been lots of phone calls back and forth and my attention has been on "inward ready alert" to be with him the only way I can...in our hearts. I was sad I could not go but alas, I must keep on this healing track so that I may be whole and better able to help them later when needed.

We had a beautiful 4-6 inch snow today and I love it. We walked to the Zumbro for a hotcake breakfast (my little celebration treat after I finish chemo week), and I got to wear my heavy boots. Very nice. It takes so little to please me, eh??

Well I am contemplating a little snow blowing. The sun is out and it is beautiful. Hope your week is good and thanks for checking in on me!

Love,
Deborah

Tuesday, February 18, 2003 9:08 PM CST

Greetings,

Last week was a chemo week. It was the usual fare...GI upset, headaches and general yuck. I came out of the fog on Saturday and feel good today. I bet my anemia is better because I feel more energetic. I have my blood checked tomorrow for a complete blood count.

We went Up North to the North Shore of Lake Superior for a couple of days. I was hoping to see more snow and do some snow shoeing but we have more snow here in the Twin Cities than they have. We did drive through a snow storm on the way home. Pretty.

We had a great time. Saw some wild life...deer, chickadees, downy woodpeckers, crows and an bald eagle. It is thrilling to see the bald eagles. Such a majestic bird and so big! Because of the lack of snow we didn't see much of Animalis Snowmobile! We saw many on the road on trailers but where we were hiking, they were not riding. Ah...silence is golden! I didn't do much hiking but surprised Mark when I hiked up a road to the Palisades Head which is a big bluff that in the summer sports hikers and rock climbers. We had the whole thing to ourselves. The ice below was breaking up and was quite a sight and sound. I got some pictures so check out the site later in the week when I will be able to upload them.

The first evening we stopped at Split Rock Light House and Mark went down the trail to take some sunset pictures. Just as the sun had set the moon started to rise. It was big and full and beautiful. I missed that because I was in the car resting. The next night we decided to see if we could catch the moon rise again. We headed off on the trail and got an appropriate distance from the light house. We hiked over to a little island and watched for the moon. Nothing happened. We sat behind two big boulders to break the wind. It was wonderful, even with the wind chill. The ice reflected early evening colours and it was mostly silent. Lake Superior is usually not silent. After about 15 minutes of sitting I finally had to head back to the car so we left. We drove to a diner to eat and as we were headed back to our lodge the moon was rising, full and fiery orange...reflecting on the ice and water. It was breathtaking.

Back at the lodge we enjoyed the pool and whirlpool. We were the only ones in the room. Mark and I raced each other in the pool. It is the only thing I know of that I can beat him at (swimming). I was happy to be in the hot water. Always so relaxing for me. We both were sad to leave this morning.

Now it is back to work for me tomorrow and Thursday. I am still at 4 hours a shift. I enjoy working. The house is calling to me now so I think I had better get some work done here too.

More Later,
Deborah

Thursday, February 6, 2003 1:51 PM CST

Greetings,

It is a bright and sunny day and I just got in from a walk. My cheeks are burning as they warm up. Mark and I have been enjoying the beauty of a recent snowfall. He took the camera and we oooed and ahhed and shot reference pictures. It was so cold that we had to stop at the Great Harvest bakery for a free slice of bread and warmth. The ovens were working, the radiators hot and the scent of fresh bread was delightful. They give away bread and have a bay window area with several cushions for customers to enjoy. It probably counters any benefit I get from the exercise, yet it is a treat.

I have had many good days this week and one very teary and sad day. I had that yesterday after my Dr. appointment. I do have good news...my CA 125 has come down again to 837. It is not fast enough for me but I am pleased that it has been responding to the treatment. My hemoglobin and hematocrit are still low and I was started on Procrit and iron. Procrit is given subcutaneously and for me is weekly for now. I came home and drew it up ($500.00/dose) and couldn't face sticking myself. This comes from a nurse and former acupuncturist who used to treat herself with acupuncture needles with no fear. It wasn't really fear, I just wasn't emotionally up to it. I felt like I have had a set-back. I am tired of getting chemo and learned that I will have to have as many cycles as it takes to bring the marker down. I could have a "break" built in if I need to but am inclined to just keep going until we get there (that would be a tumor marker result of less than 20). After the 6th cycle I will have a PET scan to assess further some questionable findings on the CT scan. You can see why I felt deflated and sad. New tests mean possible reasons for new tests and create a low level anxiety that I can't always shrug off. Prolonged chemo means I will feel yucky longer and not be able to do the things I so long to. Many tears were shed and I woke up today to swollen eyes and noticed that half of my eyelashes are now missing. Big Sigh!

I did, by the way, get the injection thanks to Mark. He is, as always, my angel and helper. I am grateful to have him.

I asked Dr. Carson to look at some information about the complementary/alternative therapies I am interested in. That led to a bit of debate and I felt sad that the 2 (Western and CAM) can't live together without finger pointing and intolerance. I understand that many of these therapies do not have large studies to back them. The studies they do are small and poorly funded due to the politics of Western medicine. That makes the Western viewpoint "there is no evidence that this therapy works". It makes it hard for the patient, who is in the middle and looking for the treatment that will work to bring health and ease to her life. Small studies are considered anecdotal by Western standards and I understand that, yet I don't think that all the answers lie in one system. And as Mark says, anecdotal is pretty good if you are the anecdote. The alternatives available cater to a sometimes desperate group who could be duped. There are many alternative protocols and much conflicting information. I am having trouble navigating through all of this alone. I know I am the captain of this ship and want to be that...yet for now the timing is such that I can't decide what I would want to try. And I feel it is likely I would not chose to do anything while I am on chemo, honouring Dr. Carsons request.

Frankly...many days I just want to be free of the decision. So I left wishing I had not engaged Dr. Carson in this journey. It added to my deflated feeling and it was not until later in the evening that I contemplated the perfection of my "mistake". There are no mistakes for me in this life, only lessons. I know everything happens for a reason. I am setting the whole episode aside for now and will glance at it sparingly until I am stronger and ready to step behind the captains wheel. I will have an opportunity again to revisit this as I gave Dr Carson a book on Alternative Therapy and some articles about therapies I am interested in. She agreed to do some homework on this though initially when she looked at my list she discounted all of it as something that "we know doesn't work". I asked for her opinion and must see the Divine at work here. Even though we come from different places on this issue I think she is most kind to at least look at it. I can see why many folks won't share what they are doing for their health balance with their Dr. I think it subtly changes the dynamic, or maybe not so subtly. Anyway it is a stress that I do not need to chose right now.

This is one long entry. I hope you haven't fallen asleep. I am awake enough to know that I rest in God's hands. My mind is a good tool but a poor master. With that I wish you a good weekend.

Sending Love,
Deborah

Saturday, February 1, 2003 5:13 PM CST

Greetings,

This week has been good. I am sooo happy to not be nauseated. I have been tired this week but that is okay. I had my weekly blood draw on Wednesday and my hemoglobin was 9.9. That is the lowest it has been. After my blood draw I went to the Y to swim and could only get 12 laps of my 18 in. I felt like I wanted to get out of the pool and lay on the floor for awhile. I went home and slept for an hour and felt better. I wondered why I was so tired and when Dr. Carson's nurse called with my results I realized I had a reason to be that tired.

I worked this week and enjoyed that. I was really tired after the second shift and I am not sleeping well consistently so I think for now 2 shifts a week is plenty. I feel like a broken record or a scratched one..."I am tired. I am tired. I am tired".

I have felt like I have turned a corner as far as getting closer to remission. I took some time to make a list of what I am already doing for my health and it was inspiring and encouraging that I have many good habits in place. If I focus on what I am not doing or not doing well enough (diet, for example), I feel a little overwhelmed. Since my body is already a little overwhelmed at times, I feel it is good to keep the mind and spirit positive and encouraged. I know that attitude plays such a role in healing. I have to admit that when I am in the week of chemo and my physical body feels so rotten I struggle to smile and stay out of dark waters. This week I have been singing and whistling so I know I am back on course.

On my list I included alternative therapies I am interested in pursuing after I get done with chemo. It is like trying to decide what expensive dress looks best, feels good and will be most fun to wear at the party! I have some intuition about what I think will be best to try and look forward to asking Dr. Carson about a few of them and checking with Warren King, my nutritionist. I believe there will be a perfect fit for me and my health will benefit from it. There are therapies that I don't feel good about too but I am still in the information gathering stage as I have a few weeks to decide. I wish the alternative therapies I am interested in where in some fun place like Hawaii! That would be great. I am sure there are some there...I haven't looked hard enough.

I have enjoyed the snow we received this week. It warmed up a little too and compared to last week feels balmy. I am starting to think about looking through seed catalogues and have been dreaming about a healing space in our back yard. I think now that we have 4-5 feet of additional space across our back yard I could do something fun back there. Stay tuned.

Well it is time to think about dinner. I have returned to the kitchen for meal preparation and clean up detail much to Mark's delight. I am fortunate that when he sees me starting dinner he ends up helping me. I think he is learning and becoming a wonderful cook. He doesn't think so but I know he is well on his way. So much of a good meal is how it is prepared and in our kitchen there is lots of love and gratitude, so the food is good.

Have a wonderful week and take a few minutes to breathe deeply and totally relax when you can. Our lives are so busy and those few minutes of centering can really make a difference.

More Later,
Deborah


Saturday, January 25, 2003 at 09:06 AM (CST)

Greetings,

It is Saturday morning and I am soo happy to say that the 4th cycle of chemo is over! This one was tiring and I was nauseated off and on. I figure I am still learning how to control or ignore the side effects of this agent. I think by the 6th cycle I will have it figured out. I have figured out the answer to the constipation problem so that was much easier this time.

My spirits are good as I look to the future and see myself in remission for a long time. I will admit to not smiling as much this week due to nausea. I did have a nice diversion from that in the form of work.

I went for 4 hours on Wednesday after my chemo treatment. It went well and I felt that energy-wise I spent my allotment wisely. I saw many co-workers and that was such an upliftment on an otherwise flat week. I think I may have taken my co-workers somewhat for granted before I had cancer. Now I find each and everyone of them a great blessing in my life. I know that sounds flowery, like I am on happy pills...but it is the way I feel.

It has finally snowed. Just a half inch or so and another "nuisance snow" predicted for today. I love it. We took a walk this morning and it was grand. I miss my boots too. So far there has been more snow in my home state of Missouri than here.

We have been doing some organizing and shredding of old tax info this past week. It feels good to be able to close the books on those years. I am supposed to be doing some work now so I think I will close here to get started.

Have a great week.

More Later,
Deborah

Saturday, January 18, 2003 at 11:33 AM (CST)

Greetings.

It is a beautiful Saturday. I am thinking of getting on the long underwear and getting out there. The sun is such a soothing balm in winter.

I wanted to update you on my tests. My CT scans were negative. That was wonderful news. I saw the Nurse Practitioner this week for my chemo check. My labs are all set for the next round and my tumor marker has come down again to 1124. I am so happy about that. She was impressed that my marker has come down with each check. She said it usually doesn't come down at all until about this time in the therapy, so I am ahead of schedule. I got a form filled out that will allow me to go back to work. I am aiming for 1 or 2 shifts (of four hours each) per week initially. I can do up to 4 four hour shifts a week if I so choose. I am not sure how I will tolerate it so it is good to know I can just do one a week. That much I am sure I can handle. I am thinking that the week of chemo may be the hardest to work. I am excited as I feel good and many times think I could be working. I miss the interaction with patients and co-workers so mentally/emotionally it will be good for me to get out.

It has otherwise been a quiet week. I have been at home a lot enjoying the comfort of a warm house. I did venture out yesterday and the iced over lake was reflecting the late afternoon sky. There were blues, greens and later pinks as we walked by. What a sight! I do love it.

Mark and I have been having some fun with words this week. He has been writing palindromes and I have been having fun with Haiku. Of the palindromes that I can print, here are 2 of Mark's favourites...

Slang is signals.

Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog.


Here are a couple of my Haiku's:

Alarm clock sings out
"Wake up, Wake up Sleepyhead"
Today make your mark!

Superman begs off
Who can fight the kryptonite
Clark can with Ray Bans

Okay I know I veered from the traditional Haiku thing of making it about nature, but that was the fun of it. We had a lot of fun with those. Mark would sit with pen and paper, face furrowed for long periods of time trying to discover another palindrome. I admit to lying awake at night making up new Haiku.

We welcome your palindromes and Haiku. A note would be good too.

More Later,
Deborah

Monday, January 13, 2003 at 07:17 PM (CST)


Greetings,

I love hearing from you all. Kay, thanks for your note. I too have my moments with the computer. I just typed a journal entry in Word and was ready to transfer it to the clipboard so I could update the web site. I missed a step and all of it was gone. So here I am again. It will be interesting to see what will come out.

Himself...Thank you for your note. I will get an e-mail off to you in the future. I send my love for now.

This week my Dr. and I are on a fact finding mission. Today I had a CT scan of my head, chest, abdomen and pelvis. I had to get up at 6:00 AM and start taking meds...barium, more medrol and benedryl. I take the steroids and benedryl for possible allergic reaction to the contrast dye. So far so good on that. As I lay on the table, the gravity of why I am having such invasive tests pulled on me. Then I said, "Yeah I know...it's intense. Can I sleep now?" I find that a little sleep deprivation does wonders in a situation like that. I was dozing when the loud voice came over the speakers, "Take a deep breath and hold it." I did the best I could pretending I was on a long dive. Other than brief oxygen deprivation it is a painless procedure. More fun than a long dive because if I breathe I don't drown.

Wednesday I have my blood drawn for my pre-chemo blood studies and my tumor marker test, the CA-125. On Friday I see Dr. Carson. Then the answers will be revealed. I am hoping for a steep decline in the tumor marker, a negative CT scan and a feeling of "job well done!" It is work to recover health.

I have been a little lazy with my walks. I was good when it was 54 degrees last week but then Canada gave us a clipper with little snow and cold temperatures. These are the coldest temperatures we have seen in a long time and since I am a little low on hemoglobin it seems like I am cold all the time. I have a nice heavy down coat, hats and gloves so I am set to go out, yet I just can't seem to face it. I will promise to get to the Y tomorrow for a nice swim...this I promise you Dear Readers.

While I am in the promising mood let me state my intention to eat a little better too. I have fallen down on my 7 fruits and veggies a day and given in to comfort foods. During the week of chemo there are no guarantees as far as what I will be able to tolerate but by mid week on the second week I should return to my healthy diet. I think I am just so relieved that I am not nauseated that I celebrate by eating...you got it...comfort foods. I have faith I can change this pattern and return to life giving nutrition. The comfort has not been bad though.

I gave a nod to the Great Mystery today that I have such wonderful medical advisors and to my own body's power to heal. I am resting in the arms of God and I know it!

I send love to those of you in cyberspace...

More Later,
Deborah

Monday, January 06, 2003 at 11:27 AM (CST)

Dear Friends,

I was awake until very late last night. I think that had to do with the bit of real coffee I drank yesterday. Great for constipation, bad for sleep. Around 4:00 AM I finally settled in bed. I slept for a few hours and some thoughts started whirling around in my head like a desert sandstorm. I am resolved to get them down on paper before they settle like another pebble of sand upon the great dune.

I was reveling in the many names of God. I remember that I became so curious about the different paths to God when I was 15 years old or so. I started researching different beliefs and reading some very heavy books for a 15 year old. I have a secret love for the many names of God. I like the Islam saying "Inshallah", which means "As God Wills It". In Eckankar we say "The Ocean of Love and Mercy" which brings an immediate feeling of great love to my heart. One of my favourite names is "The Great Mystery". I bet you are wondering where all this swirling sand is going...hang on I am getting there. The sand started to blow with two acts of kindness that came my way this past 2 weeks.

Let's start at the beginning...One day I was sitting on the porch talking on the phone when the Fedex truck pulled up outside. I went to the door and was greeted by a man carrying a big box that said Godiva on it. Now when I see Godiva on a box I don't think of a naked woman on a horse, I think of the best chocolatier in the world. I said to the delivery man, "Do you think this could be chocolate?" He answered in the affirmative. I smiled.

I took my box in and set it down. I went about my day letting the idea of the gift tickle and delight me. If this was just a Godiva box with socks or something inside, I wanted to get a little mileage out of it before opening it. If it were chocolate I thought about the friends, family and visitors I would share it with. Such a decadent treat. I remembered telling a friend earlier that week that I thought I was self medicating with chocolate. I now had several "blue days" of medicine. Mostly I allowed a thought of the melting of that first piece in my mouth. If one is going to spend the calories, let it be Godiva!

Mark came home and I decided we should inspect the gift further. We opened it and it surely was a big box of Godiva chocolates. There was no card. The box was surrounded by a ribbon (even Godiva ribbons are well crafted...) that said, "Thank You". I was puzzled. Who is thanking me and for what? I must have done something good! I made a few phone calls to find out who might have sent it. I ignored the prim organic vegetable and fruit eater who was snobbishly turning up her nose (she has such a small vote in these instances), and examined the presentation of chocolate delight. I sighed as the first piece melted in my mouth. Who cares about processed sugar and skin breakout? I ate it with love.

Yesterday I met with another mystery. I was putting away the last of the Christmas decorations. I had all of my Holiday cards in a basket on the buffet. I was sorting through them to enjoy them one last time before putting them away. I saw some envelopes that I removed to throw away. I added a white legal sized envelope to the mix. It was a second glance that brought my attention to this envelope...it was labeled "For Deb" and was still closed. It was folded into thirds. I was puzzled at where it came from...did it come in a card and I missed it? I hurriedly opened the missive. What, no paper, no message in writing? Only 5 $20.00 bills. Wow. Where did this come from? Was I just wondering how I was going to pay for some of the alternative health care I need to get in 2003??? Thank you Spirit!

As I have no idea who sent these two gifts I cannot thank you personally for your generosity. I can thank "The Great Mystery" whose ways are amazing and abundant with love. I am so grateful I am loved by God.

I want to close with one of my favourite poems. It is my gift to you. Deborah


The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from the beyond.

Jelaluddin Rumi


Saturday, January 04, 2003 at 11:06 AM (CST)

Greetings,

Happy New Year!

It has been a good week despite some challenges. I had chemo this week and started the week with strength and courage. I ended the week weary and looking forward to the end of therapy. It is the nausea, constipation and headaches that are so tiring. I have so much to be thankful for...at least I am not vomiting, the headaches are not continuous and it is pretty much over by Monday of the next week. I switched from IV Zofran to Kytril orally for the nausea. That helped the constipation and headaches and my level of nausea is really no different so I think it is a plus. Eating breads helps the nausea but not good for losing weight. Oh...I can lose weight later I guess. Sometimes I can do my broccoli and fresh veggies, some days not. I seem to crave lemonade. I have trouble with odors and couple that with an acute sense of smell and you have an idea of my neurosis. Mark is very patient with my requests...perfectly clean kitty litter boxes, dietary limitations (his--no smelly breath foods), and a clean kitchen top my list. The strange thing is at times the nausea will pass and I will be able to eat heartily. Food does help me to feel better. Like I said, it is wearing and unpredictable.

I thought I would include some new pictures for you. We had Christmas dinner here with some of Mark's family. Thankfully the Daehlin's are big into picture taking. Mark's mom sends us pictures all the time. That is good because I do not feel like taking any pictures myself. There is a picture of our Christmas tree, one of Mark and I and a picture of the family. Mark set up the camera and the timer for the flash. Marks dad told us all to be quiet and I was razzing him before the picture was taken. It was fun. I think we are a handsome group. I wanted to point out one of Mark's paintings above the buffet. It is a painting of our dining room, minus the people! I thought Bill P. might enjoy seeing it.

We had New Years dinner with Mark's aunt and uncle. Saw the cousins and their families. It was fun but I was not feeling so good...we went right after chemo.

I have been researching alternative therapies this week. Lots of good information has come my way. I am in the information gathering stage for now and will be calling for more info soon. I think I had better augment the Western therapy with a more alternative approach as that will improve my health and ability to fight the cancer cells on my own. It is exciting to learn of all the different alternatives. I just have to sort through them and decide which ones are for me. I will still see my nutritionist/homeopath for testing and advice. I still get chiropractic care too. I think our insurance system is set up backwards...paying for illness driven complaints instead of health promoting therapy and treatments. It puts the financial responsibility directly upon the individual for health giving options. I am grateful I can pay for most everything I want.

Well I guess that is all for now. I am thinking of getting some lemonade and kytril. YUM!

As you go through your week remember the 5-7 organic fruits and vegetables/day are your friends....scouring out your system of unfriendly radicals and constructing a healthy immune system. Give thanks for them...I do!

More Later,
Deborah

Saturday, December 28, 2002 at 11:12 AM (CST)

Happy Holidays,

What a busy time of year! We had a good Christmas. Mark's family came over for dinner and a nice visit. We also had our new neighbors over for dinner on Christmas Eve. I enjoyed the opportunity to cook. I have always loved cooking. I think "chef" was on my list of jobs I would like at one time. I guess all of us who cook have a little chef in us. It is just fun to prepare and present a meal and please others.

I had my Dr. appointment this week and my lab work done. I will have it done again on Monday before chemo as again the ANC was too low. I am sure it will come back up. I will have a CT scan on the 13th. I saw the nurse practitioner on my last visit as Dr Carson was off for the holiday. She was very nice and thorough. I think I may have to see her the next couple of times I go for my chemo check as Dr Carson has changed her schedule process and shares the chemo checks on Wednesdays with the nurse practitioner. I am glad she is not seeing 50 patients in one day for her health and balance. I got a glimpse of my attachment to seeing her on my visits when I learned that she was booked for my next 2 visits. I know there is a reason for all of this and maybe something better in store for me, yet part of me doesn't want to see anyone but the Dr. Seems silly I know. It is not like she is not there if needed. Nevertheless I made my March appointments with her.

There are so many little details to keep filed when going through treatment. Mostly insurance stuff, co-pays and bills from the hospital. It has always been fairly seemless at the Oncologist office. Now I have to remember to book ahead. They staff all know me there and are very helpful. I take them food a lot so I think that helps.

I have been researching some alternative clinics and treatments on the internet. There is a lot of info to sort through. I am not sure which therapy I will chose but will contemplate what is right for me. The nurse practitioner gave me the name of a contact person who had recurrent ovarian cancer and has done many different alternatives. She has survived 13 years. She also is director of the clinical trials at the University of MN. There is a specific reasearch that I want to inquire about. Perhaps I would qualify for a trial if they are at the point of doing clinical trials. All I know is I want to do what I can to be in remission and avoid recurrent chemotherapy. So we'll see where this quest takes me.

We are having a brown "El Nino" winter so far. I think I read we have had 5 inches of snow the past 2 months. That is 1/3 of our average snowfall. You readers who are getting blasted may be wishing for a little brown. I am a snow person so I miss it and hope we get something this season. I have enjoyed having the porch open. I know that it will probably be closed by next weeks entry.

As you reflect on this past year I hope your dreams and the YOU that has been created is pleasing. If not remember we can change our selves into something more pleasing. Love yourself for what you are inside and bring that love and joy to your outer remodeling projects!

Happy New Year,
Deborah

Thursday, December 19, 2002 at 11:40 AM (CST)

Dear Friends,

It has been a good week all in all. My alimentary canal is happier and I am being nourished well. Maybe too well...but tis the season.

I went to a Holiday gathering last night and it was great fun. I visited with some friends who used to work with me when I worked in Labour and Delivery. It was sweet to see the ties that bind us still bring us together at times. Of the 6 of us only 2 do not work in Women Care in some capacity, and none of us really work on the same unit so there were no common stories, just common themes and sharing about our personal lives. I do believe that the 6 of us "grew up together" during the years we worked together at Abbott. It is nice to be able to say that we are all in nursing in some capacity. It is even nicer that we are all friends. I gave a grateful nod to Spirit for the gift of friends as I drove home.

It has been a fun week too. We had a little adventure on Monday. We walked to the bagel shop and passed a nursery that is on our street. Our little corner of the world has just about everything you could need in a 10 block radius so I guess you could say we are a small town in a big city. Anyway...the nursery is one of my favourite places. I see neighbors and co-workers who live nearby at the nursery in the Spring buying plants and flowers for their gardens. We usually are doing the same. The nursery closes every year on December 23rd and re-opens on March 1st. They usually have Christmas trees but since we didn't have a tree for the past several years (15 years for me...not enough room in the house), I usually don't even think about the winter season at the nursery. Well this year I got it in my head that we could get a tree. They were $25.00 for all trees. We ended up getting an 8 foot White Pine that is just beautiful. We had no tree stand, no lights or decorations to speak of. Mark went home to get the pick-up and I bought several little decorations to hang on the tree. They were 40% off and I made him stay outside so he couldn't complain about the total on the cash register. After a few more purchases, the tree and its accessories ended denting our budget and bringing us much cheer. We had vowed not to get each other anything for Christmas to save money. I think neither of us realized the joy a tree would bring. We love it. And guess where we put it?

The front porch!!! Mark had been making noise about closing the porch for the season. The weather has for the most part cooperated and been warm enough that our little space heater keeps the space toasty. He groaned a little about putting the tree there but honestly I think it would have had to go into the back bedroom if we moved all the plants in the house and closed off the porch. That is one of the reasons I usually never consider getting a tree. A poinsettia is usually the only live thing I can get. So I got 2 gifts and a bigger electric bill. It is worth it to me. I really enjoy sitting out there in the morning to read and contemplate. Now it has a bit of the outdoors indoors. Such a treat!!

I have found I have struggled to stay in the NOW this past 10 days. I felt so awful last week that I think the gloom of it all worked on my usual sunny attitude. I started to go where no gal should go...the land of future worries. I was just so convinced I would not have to revisit this health issue ever again and this visit has brought a dose of "life's uncertainties" to me that is as potent as the drugs that stave off the cancer cells. I know we all have some challenges in life and dwelling on the empty half of the cup is not my usual style...yet I think a week of unsettled gastronomy contributed to my sense of the unusual.

I am blessed with a Spiritual path that shows me the way home to God. That permeates my essence with joy and peace. I honour all of you and your path during this holiday season and offer a special wish...May the Blessings Be!

Holiday Love,
Deborah

Thursday, December 12, 2002 at 11:22 AM (CST)

Greetings,

I am not feeling so good this week so this may be short. My counts were good on Monday and I have had chemo everyday this week. For some reason I have not done well with it, I wonder if I haven't had a viral bug or something. Dr Carson had told me that I would likely tolerate the chemo in the same fashion as I did the first time so these side effects took me unaware.

I have felt lightheaded, sensitive to odors, nauseated and had diarrhea. It takes a toll and my usual smiling shine is partly cloudy. I got some kytril for breakthrough nausea and I took that this AM. I think it has helped yet it is 11:00 and I just got up so who knows. I don't have much appetite except for, of all things, chocolate ice cream. I can hardly stomach my usual fresh veggies. I know it will be better by Sunday. I will celebrate with a carrot!

I have continued to exercise. I figure if I have energy for one thing it will be that. I was walking to the Lake on Tuesday and as I came down the hill on 44th I heard a group of birds chirping loudly. I looked for them but all I saw was 4 big evergreens quivering with sound and movement....I am not sure what kind of birds they were. "Winter overs" I guess. It was a joy to hear them.

Maseka has stationed herself nearby for most of this week. She always seems to velcro herself to me when I am not well. Her new thing is to lay directly on me...that is met with mixed reviews, especially when she lays on my stomach. I think she is giving me a "kitty healing" of sorts. Or maybe she is just taking advantage of me. She can be very compassionate for a cat. One thing for sure is she keeps me warm and I am cold a lot.

Now I find it strange that everytime I have my temperature taken it is 96.2-96.4 degrees. Is that why I feel so cold? I still have hot flashes which warm me up and after they pass I am shivering cold again. I think this is weird. Maybe my usual temperature is low, who knows. It has been a long time since I have been cold...just ask my co-workers who have heard me complain about the heat. Now I am a snuggle bunny.

Mark is doing well. He went out with the guys on Saturday night for dinner and bowling. I am so glad he is able to get out. He is more extroverted than I and I know he benefits from some time away from home.

Hair update: It is still there. I hope it remains so. Keep your fingers and hairs crossed for me.

More later with Love,
Deborah

Wednesday, December 04, 2002 at 10:36 PM (CST)

Greetings,

It has been a good day. We awoke to a light covering of snow. I love snow and always feel my heart open to its beauty. The roads were a little slick too as it has been very cold.

Speaking of cold, I am faced with the closing of the front porch. It is fairly warm if we leave the space heater on all the time during the day. I always turn it off in the evening when I go to bed. I would love to keep it open but I guess it is costly and eventually the heater would not keep up. My plants love the South windows and they have grown into unruly adolescents! I wonder every year if there will be room for all of us in this small house. What a family. The cats love it as they have easier access to eat the plants. Well it is the season for closeness so I guess it will have to happen soon.

I saw Dr. Carson today. It was a long visit, almost 5 hours. I made some raspberry scones for them (thanks Peggy for that recipe), and one of the nurses told me that was her breakfast and lunch. I like to take them treats as I know they work very hard seeing all the patients who are currently on chemo. The nurse told me that recently Dr. Carson saw 50 patients in one day. They were in the office until 9:30. She ordered pizza for everybody (including the patients in the lobby). When a patient would get called into the back the remaining patients in the lobby would cheer. I am very patient with the waits there as Dr. Carson is so great! I got all my questions answered and had my labs drawn. Some of my blood counts were low and do not meet the criteria for chemo. That means I will get them drawn again on Monday and if all is well should be able to get the chemo as planned.

I heard today that I can expect similiar side effects with each dose now. Which for me has been constipation. I am lucky as some folks have quite a few side effects with Topotecan. I think the Aztec likes me! Still have my hair and it is beautiful. I am not sure if I will lose it. Time will tell.

I am swimming and walking which keeps me happy. I like to go to the Y when the aerobics class is in session. I have gotten to know a few of the gals in the class and we talk afterwards. Many of them are in their 70s and 80s and quite active and sharp. I aspire to be like that!

I will put on at least one new picture tonight. It is a picture of me with Goldie at her 12th birthday party. She is my neighbor and quite a gentle one.

Keep in touch and thanks for your notes and calls. I miss working with my friends.

More Later,
Deborah


Thursday, November 28, 2002 at 09:53 PM (CST)

Greetings and Happy Thanksgiving,

It has been a good week. In the past week I spoke to Dr. Carson on the phone. She was out of town when I went on the 13th. I was reassured that she concurred with the plan of care. It was just good to talk to her.

I had my blood drawn on Wednesday. My counts are starting to come down (blood counts), and it is not even the nadir so I know they will come down more. I will have my CA-125 checked after the third round. I am impatient to see that come down. All in good time, I guess.

The little incision where the surgeon accessed my jugular for the port insertion was reddened and a piece of suture sticking out. I was lucky that Dr. O'Leary, the surgeon who put it in for me, was at the hospital and able to come see me in MICC. He clipped off a little knot that he said was irritating me and gave me a prescription for some antibiotics. Hopefully that will help it heal.

Dare I say the "T" word...but it is true. I am tired. I had company coming so spent an hour or so every day doing some cleaning and as the week has worn on and my counts dip down, I am feeling it. I noticed I was winded when I walked.

Mark's niece is here. She goes to school in Springfield, MO and caught a ride with a friend to spend Thanksgiving with us. She is a delight and I am enjoying time with her. This is the first time we have met. Mark got out some video of her at 2 years old. It was fun to see it.

I fixed Thanksgiving dinner for us and Mark's parents and one of his brothers. It was sooo much fun to make dinner. I love to cook and to serve a wonderful meal. I passed on the china this year. We had plastic disposable plates and that was just fine. Still had to do pans, pots and serving dishes but that was ok by me. I did them while the family discussed politics. I thought the dishwashing was a better deal!

I was scheduled to work today and I am thinking of you all. I miss being at work. Hopefully I will be back with you soon.

Today I was sitting in my big comfy chair contemplating gratitude. It is the key to an open heart and an open heart can receive divine love. Thank you all for being a part of my life. I am a lucky one.

Sending Love,
Deborah


Friday, November 22, 2002 at 07:43 AM (CST)

Greetings,

I am "marvelously made" and my body is able to heal as God wills it. I am learning some new things everyday. I have asked to learn what lessons this experience has to show me. True to my belief, the answers are coming. Some come like sweet kittens...jumping into my lap and purring. Others are like a tap on the shoulder that startles me in the darkness. My life here is mysteriously wonderful and willing to teach me all of my secrets.

I have to wonder at these errant cells that want to create their own county in my body. They are MY cells speaking out. I am listening. As I ask them to assimilate or leave, I want to be able to know that I can hear their reasons. It is not about death...it is about life and living it wholly and completely. I think that process (of learning) is slow sometimes, like a beggar with a sign that says "look at me". Other times it is Darth Vadar with a sword of energy ready to fight. Know that I am in process with this and grateful for the opportunity to face an active foe. A beggar is easier to ignore. The closet door of my dark secrets has been closed most of the time. I know the way to enlightenment is to open that door, it just isn't as comfortable and orderly. I have inner support to bolster me so Onward I go.

It has not been a quiet week. My days have been filled with activity and I wonder when I shall be able to rest. I have had chemo everyday at 2 PM. Tuesday was the best day. I walked and did my weights, had lunch and went with my friend Debra to see Dr. Wheeler for my pre-op physical. I thought as I looked in the mirror that many of my co-workers have described me as the "picture of health" in the past month and I still looked that way. I feel shiny and light. I had to have that physical so I could have a port-a-cath inserted on Thursday. She said I was fine. Mostly it was just good to see her and enjoy her loving care. Chemo was easy except for the IV sticks and my uncooperative veins. They do not want me to keep an IV access overnight I guess. The two times I tried it they became angry and red necessitating a new stick the next day. If I had any doubts about the necessity of another port, those doubts were laid aside by Thursday.

Wednesday was a full day. I awoke with a sore throat and right sided ear ache. I remembered that I was to call the Dr. at any sign of illness. No fever, so I was pretty sure it was viral. I had an appointment with my nutritionist then left there for a quick drive to the internist, home for lunch and off to the hospital for chemo. It was a good day but a busy one. I had no strep with the strep screen which was a green light to continue with the chemo. I was tired when I came home and ready for an evening of resting.

Marco has been so busy which is good. I know he has to get some work done as it is financially necessary. I have missed him but get to see him frequently as he works at home. When he is in the flow of work I try not to bother him. It is such a different place that I am in strength-wise. Last year when I started chemo I was weak from the surgery. Now I am feeling strong. He is my best friend and supporter. I believe he is doing well too. Both of us have our moments.

Thursday we had to get up at 5:30 (don't these people know I have been on an evening worker schedule!!) for the 8:00AM surgery. I waited in my cubicle in pre-op. I saw many I knew, MDA's, CRNA's, MD's, who stopped in to say HI. Scottie started a painless IV and accompanied me into surgery. I don't remember a versed thing! When I awoke I was in the recovery room and Penny Wheeler was there too. It was good to see her. She told me that Dr. O'Leary had told her everything went well. We left the hospital around 10:00AM and I slept off the drugs. When I awoke it was time to get up for chemo. I discovered that I had quite a bit of pain so I took tylenol.

By the time I got to the hospital I was really hurting. My angel nurses in MICC asked me if I had taken something for pain. I told them tylenol. They wondered why I hadn't taken my pain pills? Because I didn't get an Rx for any! So they got me a pain pill and that was great. I only have had one so far. Today am sore but I think I will not require another one. I don't remember the other port insertion hurting like this one did. I know he put the port in the same pouch but had to access the jugular vein as the other one was scarred. So I feel like I have a stiff neck on the right side. Kinda goes with my sore throat and earache. It was totally wonderful to get relief from the earache and sore throat. I know that is better this morning too.

What a long story from a very busy Deborama. I hope I can get this all on one page.

I wanted to tell you that I am not having many side effects from the chemo so far. Just constipation, which I have hardly ever dealt with. I can see why there is a business surrounding this issue...laxatives, commercials, suggestions and clucking. It is a menace. But I am in process with this too and hopefully will find resolution...SOON!

Thank you for your notes, guestbook entries, e-mails and your love.

More Later,

Deborah

Tuesday, November 19, 2002 at 07:38 AM (CST)

Good Morning,

It is my first morning after chemo and I feel great! I do not have to be pre-medicated with decadron, a steroid, and therefore do not have to have it's related side effects. I am so grateful for that.

I met my new chemo agent yesterday. Topotecan (to-po-tee-can). It sounds like an Aztec name, maybe one of their healers. I wore my green Aztec looking dress in honour of the day.

We were greeted by my nurses and friends who work in MICC. My manager, from work, came by to sit with me for the treatment. I had a pre-med with Zofran, Topotecan's assistant. Zofran helps me to not be nauseated and it is a miracle drug!

Once again, I invited these drugs into my body to bring love, light and healing to me, God's will be done. My room was busy with friends going in and out and that kept me from worrying about allergic reaction and side effects. I used to be somewhat hesitant to take any western medicine...look at me now...arm extended and ready! Bring It On!

I had to have an IV started. It is still in and I am hoping to save it for at least 3 days. It is in my hand and it hurts so we will see. I will get a port implanted (again), on Thursday. It crossed my mind that maybe I should try to go without the port but I think I will opt for the convenience of a central line and save my peripheral veins for a later use. Plus getting stuck 7 times in 3 weeks could be a bit much. I do fairly well with needles. I have started so many IV's and I thought it didn't hurt. At least it didn't hurt me when I started them. I have realized, after watching detachedly as I get stuck, that a needle can snap you right out of detached mode. Yeeooo.

I have had moments of sadness but not fear. I was swimming the other day and had a "Why me?" moment. I cried and swam through it. As I swam I remembered that like the water supporting me...I rest totally in God's Love and Mercy. I still need to do my part, move my body and propel myself forward. But that total support is so comforting and I am filled with Love for all life, grateful and happy to be here to serve.

I do have some good news. I was able to get my CT results on Sunday night and it was negative. That is good news. It means that there are no clumps of cells bigger than 1 cm. It does not mean that there are not cells that are growing. We know there are because of the increase in my tumor marker CA-125. I have been told that a negative CT scan has a better chance of remission with the second round of chemo. Hopefully too, I acted on my subtle symptoms before the errant cells could organize their own little island. They want to have their own country but my healthy cells want them outta there!

My overall state of health is good. I am strong and willing to learn whatever I can to be of greater service to God. Please join me in BEING happy and loving all life. And thank you for your support!

More later,
Deborah

Wednesday, November 13, 2002 at 07:56 PM (CST)

Dear Ones,

It is with heavy heart that I write this missive. Today I was told the cancer has re-occurred. I was stunned as has been everyone I talked to today.

I knew something was up because I had been having some bowel changes for over 2 months. I ate some bad food in September while on my trip to Phoenix. I thought it was related to that, but when the pain in my pelvis became a steady dull ache that never went away, I had nausea and a drop in my energy level...I knew something was up.

I called Penny, my primary gyn Dr., and she told me to start by getting my CA-125 blood test. It was 2 weeks earlier than scheduled and I am sooo glad I got it done early. The result was 2885. The last time I had it checked was in August and it was 14. Dr. Carson wants it to be less than 20. So I did a little research on the internet at work last night and found that a reading that high usually indicates re-occurrence.

I went home and told Mark, communed with God and tried to sleep. I had an appointment scheduled today with Dr. Carson's partner, Dr. Argenta. I was anxious about seeing another Dr. but he was knowledgeable, kind and caring that I put all anxieties aside and thanked God for the gift of such wonderful Dr.'s and health care. My physical exam was negative and I have a CT scan tomorrow.

Here is some good news. Because my tumor was responsive to the first chemo, (we know this because the sensitive marker came down very fast), and it did not re-occur in the first 6 months, it is very likely that it will be responsive to this new agent. Yes...that means another 6 rounds of chemo. I asked Dr Argenta when we should start it and he said, "I would start it today if I could!". I still yet need to have a CT scan and will start therapy on Monday. My treatments will be once a day for 5 days (topotecan), wait 2 weeks then another round. So it is those 3 familiar 3 week cycles. I got the inner green light again to do the chemo and felt encouraged by the Dr.'s enthusiasm. I think this chemo may be kinder to me side effect-wise, though I will likely loose some hair and will have more bone marrow suppression with this drug. So we will see how it all shapes up.

I am back on leave from work. I have already had an outpouring of support and that touches my heart.

I think Mark will possibly need some support too, more than last time so I invite friends of his to give him a call and an embrace.

Me??? I am optimistic that I will survive this. Sad that it is here again. I am open to learning the Spiritual lessons this experience will bring. Most of all I am grateful for the love that I feel from all of my friends and especially my family. If I haven't reached you personally it is just because I am soooo tired after my 6 hour appointment today and ready to rest.

Keep in touch. I welcome calls, e-mail or guest book signings.

Love,
Deborah

Saturday, November 02, 2002 at 12:05 AM (CST)

Greetings,

It is a beautiful SUNNY day! I am so glad the sun is shining. It has been a few days since we have had sun and I was starting to feel the effects of that. It was subtle and I am glad I recognized it.

We have had a good week. The Eckankar
seminar was wonderful and I was glad to be there when I could. I did find myself resting a lot that weekend as besides the seminar, I was fighting a cold. I won, by the way. We enjoyed seeing our friends from out of state and going to workshops and hear
ing our Spiritual leader, Sri Harold Klemp speak. He tells stories that seem simple but pack a strong message for Soul. You can hear his talks on cable channel 6 in Mpls at 7:00 PM on Friday nights.

One of our senators and his wife, daughter, staff and
pilots died in a plane crash on Friday. I was saddened by the news and yet wondering how this all fits with God's plan. Our airwaves were quiet as far as political commercials until after the funerals. Now again there is mud slinging and promises. We will see how it all turns out on election day and which of the opposing viewpoints will be making laws in the coming years.

We had our boundaries tested this week. The lights in the back thoroughfare were lit. We were able to see how bright they are and how far reaching their effect. We live on a short block and there is absence of light on our block in the front of the house. There is a light on each of the corners of the bordering blocks so it isn't like there is no light...but just an enjoyable lull
of brightness that allows a feeling of nightfall.

I am always amazed at the amount of light pollution we live in when I visit the country. The darkness there is so complete and delightfully lit with nature's lights. Have you ever been to the Grand Canyon at night? It is lit by the stars and moon and when you look into the chasm it is as if the darkness would swallow all of any available light. It is an awesome experience. I think at points in Soul's journey it is much like that...Soul faces a dark chasm that seems to pull any available light to it. It is then that one can use a Spiritual guide for a little hand holding or maybe a little spiritual kick in the pants. The help is there for the asking. I wonder if the outer lights we use to make us feel safe reflect our inner need to commune with the Light of God?

Well...on our short block, in the back of our houses are 3 lights. I guess that makes up for the front's lack of light. The light shines up into our drive. It brightly smacks the neighbors fence and bounces off of our white house, making the walkway "safe". Since we have always felt safe in our own backyard, we find this light unnecessary and unkind. I am standing by to see how I will weather this change and what my opinions will be. I have had to let go of my resistance because it is here and even a tall fence won't prevent it's intrusion into our space. I am thinking some creative landscaping might be the answer, and much nicer than a fence. I am sure it will all settle out somehow.

I am thinking I had better get ready for work. It has been fun to spend some time with you.

Have a good week,

Deborah

Thursday, October 24, 2002 at 05:35 PM (CDT)

Hello Friends,

How are you doing??

I am feeling fairly great! I have been enjoying work this week. Even though I am there a lot it has its moments. I feel like my mind has finally mostly recovered from the chemo. I feel like I can really be fully present now. I got to be with a patient who had twin girls at her C-section. It was an emergency and her husband wasn't there. I didn't have patients so offered to go in with her. The CRNA asked "Do you have family here?" She looked at me and I said, "I'm here." He asked if I was family and I said no, her husband is on his way. I felt sorta embarrassed but I had seen her almost daily for monitoring for the past few weeks and I felt then like her family. It was such an honour to be with her during her delivery. Nursing is sure full of its treasures as far as those special moments when I can serve life unselfishly. The babies were fine and her husband got there as soon as he could. I especially enjoyed the fact that I could be with her and I didn't have to chart or have my attention diverted from just being. I always have said that I think being a chaplain would be the best job....you get to be there during trying times to listen, comfort and ask that God's will be done...AND it is minus liability and charting. I will work on that one (becoming a chaplain : )!

It is soo cold here. I haven't gotten the garden put to bed. Mark decided to help me by mulching the day lilies. I usually cut them down before I mulch so I wonder if I should take the leaves off to do that. Maybe just leave them this year and see how it goes. I think it will be warmer this Sunday, so I may be able to get that outside work done.

We are going to the Worldwide Eckankar seminar this weekend. A very exciting time... workshops, talks, visits with friends who come to share the seminar and God's love. It is indescribable...the experience of the seminar. A celebration and renewal. I am looking forward to going, yet I will still have to plan rest times. Rest is soo good for me.

Tonight we are going to an Art Opening, a friend of ours who is a special guy who says in the pamphlet, "I believe that technical tools, as important as they are, in no way ensure a successful canvas. It's the thoughts of the heart which will manifest...My joy and thankfulness for the gift of life and the bounty of God constantly stimulate my desire to communicate through art." It will be great to see his work and to see him. Fits into the theme of the weekend...God's love.

Well...I had better get ready. I am glad to have had a few moments with you.
Hope you have an opportunity to "Just Be" soon. It is so simple, yet so powerful.

May the Blessings Be,
Deborah


Friday, October 11, 2002 at 02:50 PM (CDT)

Greetings,

It is a beautiful October day. One of those days when "sun-dappled" comes to my mind. Mark has been happily painting outside everyday. He loves the fall colours. I think it is his favourite.

Maseka is sitting in the window enjoying a refreshing breeze. She usually keeps me company wherever I am unless she is sleeping. Lately she has been talking a lot about who knows what...but it is entertaining.

I am wondering where all the time goes. It seems like yesterday that I wrote, but I think it has been a few weeks. I am doing well. A bit tired. It seems that it has been a busy week at work and I worked 2 hours overtime one night this past week. That was tiring and I paid for it for several days. I am back into a good exercise routine, now have incorporated some weights for my arms when we walk. I think the weights are fun. I will have to show you my muscles the next time I see you!!

I had a wonderful trip to Phoenix to surprise my mom for her birthday. She was surprised, initally thought something was wrong...I guess it is like seeing an airplane on a freeway or something. We had a little trip to Nevada and though it was short, it was fun. It was warm enough to get into the pool too. Quite a shock to come back home to a cold rain and the first whisperings of the coming winter.

I think my health is good. I still feel tired yet think I used to feel tired like this, so maybe it is normal tired. I think one loses perspective after an illness. I am a good girl, taking my vitamins, exercising, eating those veggies and fruits, doing my daily Spiritual work and practicing happiness. Life is grand.

The fall gardening beckons along with a whole list of projects. So I had better close here. Please check the pictures every now and again as I will have some new ones soon.

To my friends who have moved, Moving to a new area is so much fun. It marks the end of a cycle and new beginnings. May your new home serve you well!

Take Care,
Deborah

Saturday, September 21, 2002 at 12:49 AM (CDT)

My One Year Anniversary!!

This has been quite a week of reflection for me! I have been counting my blessings and all of you are among them. I know I have some things to do yet here on this Earthly plane. Though I am not afraid to move on, I have found such peace being here. I am having day to day life experiences that though they may seem mudane at times are awesome in their beauty and perfection. Now this doesn't mean that I don't get caught up in life's dramas, just that I have an underlying gratitude for it all. The gratitude is the fork in the road that "makes all the difference".

By the time you read this I will be in Phoenix for a surprise visit. It is my Mom's 65th birthday. I am so looking forward to seeing her face when she sees me. Dad and I have been in cahoots planning this...carefully calling when she is at work and some e-mails. He has been faithful about erasing the caller ID, voice mail and keeping the secret. I think we will have a quick little trip out of town for some R&R. It should be a good time and personally a little get away celebration for my anniversary. I wish Mark could come too but he has an art fair next week and will stay home and prepare for that and keep our children happy (the blonde and brown ones).

I have a few pictures to show you. Ones I took at the State Fair. Check out the photo album.

My broken toe is healing. I am working on more weight bearing exercises as I can and will add some for my arms. So much to do to keep this vehicle in tip top shape. My port site is healing and it is wonderful to feel it's absence. I am still aiming to eat perfectly every day but some days ice cream beckons or something else...so I still have work to do there. All in time.

I will get a note to you next week.

Love,
Deborah

Friday, September 13, 2002 at 11:23 PM (CDT)

Dear Friends

I am happy to report that my port came out just fine. I think I was stiff as a rock while he was taking it out. He used a local anesthetic and it didn't hurt...I think I was just anticipating pain. It hurts now and I am looking forward to that feeling better. I took the day off and rested, read and Marco took me out to dinner. It has been a good day.

I had my bone scan this week and there has been some bone density changes. My Dr hasn't called me yet but I looked my results up on the computer at work. I hope some of the changes I have made in diet, the exercise I have been doing and the calcium I am taking will be good enough to prevent further loss. I was swimming on Wednesday and struck my toe on the lane divider. It was very painful and I cried like a baby. It is still sore so I guess I will not be walking this weekend nor will I be able to swim for 48 hours. It is slowing me down, but maybe that is what I am supposed to be doing.

I guess not many of us could have missed some kind of reminder of what happened last year on September 11. I was feeling deluged with the media coverage. When I went to swim on Sept 11, a woman came to share the lane with me. I said as I acknowledged her, "How are you doing?" She replied, "Sober, how about you?" I told her I was Grand! As I swam the next lap I wondered why she said "Sober". Then I realized that I perhaps should be more cognizant of others reaction to this anniversary. It seems that I too was affected that day...but soon my whole world seemed to revolve around my health and the impact of USA karma took a back seat in my thoughts. This year I feel sad that our safe haven has been attacked. I know there will always be war in this world, it is a part of it, yet we have been safe here. Now it is as if the world is expanding into our lives. I know that is some parts of this world people go to bed at night not knowing if they will be attacked in the morning or if family and friends fighting in a war somewhere will come home. It is sobering to ponder. I am not a war monger but I do recognize that the nature of these lower worlds is conflict. I am glad we have had some periods of uninvolvment in the worlds conflicts. Now it seems we may be more involved. Still yet, even though I am aware of our country's mourning and resolve, I personally must say that I just feel grand. It is a gift to be here in these lower worlds and to be a happy pebble in the beach of life. I want to be that happy pebble...open to reflecting God's love to others. Through troubled times Divine Love is here. I think that is why I feel so grand!

Well I suppose I had better go to bed. I hope your week has been good.

May The Blessings Be,
Deborah

Tuesday, September 10, 2002 at 10:11 AM (CDT)

Dear Friends,

It has been a great week (plus). I am listening as a bobcat places boulders at the back of our property for a retaining wall. The new sidewalk in the old trolley right of way (in back of our house) is coming right along. The lights and plants, including a new tree will be coming with time. It looks nice but a part of me misses the wild unkept look of the previous foot path. I wonder what all the animals think about it. We have rabbits, squirrels and chipmunks back there.

It will be nice to gain some land as the back of our property had sloped down. We used it to put our fall leaves and pulled weeds. Now I guess we need to get a composter. The soil back there looks lucious. We have ideas for plants and maybe a shed to house the bikes that Mark likes to collect and the push mower and maybe the snow blower. It seems our summer has been a perpetual house project. I wanted to wait on this retaining wall until next year but there will be shrubs and new trees and the bobcat couldn't get back there. I think we will put a fence up too for noise and light barrier. So that is our latest exciting project. Oh yes...next year will be interesting with those aforementioned shrubs and trees...Mark saw the neighborhood project coordinator and asked who would be maintaining these new plants on city property. She replied that the neighborhood association had hoped that the homeowners who live by it would maintain it. Yeah Right!! I just hope the new plants don't die as a result of neglect. That alone would stimulate me to water and tend a little, but I don't want to volunteer.

Work continues to go well for me. I am energetic even when I come home. Next week starts my 8 hours a day...just in time for my one year anniversary of the surgery. I am ever thankful for such an easy course of recovery from that.

I went for a bone density scan. I think that should come out okay as I have been eating well, taking calcium and I am active. On Friday I get to go to MICC again TO GET MY PORT REMOVED!!! Can you tell I am happy? It has been aching for several months and I know Dr Carson had wanted me to keep it in for a year after the CT scan (March 2003), but she agreed it could come out if it was hurting. I too wanted to keep it in just in case I needed it, but more and more I feel as though I won't be needing it.

This week is Mark's 45th birthday. We have no big plans, but will surely do something. I am so lucky to have him in my life. Everyday is a new experience!

Hope all of you are well. Keep in touch.


Deborah

Saturday, August 31, 2002 at 10:03 PM (CDT)

Dear Friends,

As I get busier I seem to get less done...including writing to you. My nutritionist told me I still need to rest and I know it is true. So maybe I will go to every 2 weeks at times when life is busy.

A lot has happened. Almost 2 weeks ago I broke my left little toe at work. It was painful for about 10 days and is now much better. I had been stubbing my toes for weeks in preparation for the break. I guess I am clumsy.

I had my tumor marker test done, the CA-125. It was 14 which was the lowest ever. That made my day! I then saw my gyn-oncologist and had a normal exam.

I saw the nutritionist/homeopath and he was pleased with my progress. Just a little dietary restrictions and some new nutritional supports and I am good to go.

I have lost 12 pounds now. It is coming off slowly. Another 10 pounds and I will be at my pre-chemo weight, which was still too much. I have been eating healthy. It is not always what I want to eat, but I am pleased to know it is good for me.

We finally got to the State Fair this week. We went Tuesday and stayed for 3 hours. My foot was hurting and I had to go to work that day, so I was hoping to get there later in the week. On Friday after a nice breakfast we headed out and had a grand time. We went to the MPR (MN Public Radio) stage area and listened to a live show. Kathryn Lampher and Lynn Rossetto Casper and a Star Trib food critic were tasting ten new foods at the fair. The audience got to try them and give feedback too. It was fun. With 10 minutes to go, the crowd behind us got noisy and aggressive. They were waiting for the next show...a political debate with the candidates for US Senate. The D's and R's had signs and were chanting their candidates name. Because we were sitting in the back, the unruly throng behind us made it difficult to hear what the candidates were saying. There were a lot of arguing with the candidates while they were speaking (not loud enough for the candidates to hear) and some booing and yelling. Wow from emotional eating to angry voters in less than an hour! We stayed for 45 minutes then headed out for food.

Mark wanted to go to the poultry barn. We spent about an hour in there looking at every kind of chicken, goose, duck and turkey that you can imagine. There was a whole lot of crowing going on! Mark spent a usual amount of time shooting pictures "for reference"...I think he just likes to take pictures. : ) One of the chickens had a plume of black and white feathers coming out of the head and a beak just stuck in the middle of it. The feathers were like those you might have seen on a Phyllis Diller hat. We called them the Phyllis Diller chickens. They really were beautiful, but smelly and loud.

Mark had his time in the Fine Arts building. We enjoyed the wooden sailboat and canoe that won a prize. I longingly looked at the cakes and other foods that won prizes. The fair is a hard place to eat if you have dietary restrictions. It is not like they have a organic carrot on a stick. Everything is on a stick. They even have fried candy bars on a stick. I can't go there. The chocloate cheescake on a stick seemed like something I would have tried but we never saw the stand that sold that. Our fair is second largest in the nation. It is so fun, so much to do and the fair grounds are full of old huge trees so there is always shade. Lots of free music, shopping, eating, walking and carnival rides for the adventurous. I know I am not mentioning all there is to do but you get the idea...there is something for everybody. The weather is nice too...it has been warm and a little humid, but not that 90 degree stifling heat and humidity that would make it unbearable. I wish we could stay there longer. We always go in the morning and leave around rush hour time. I can't handle the throngs of people walking around, not watching where they are going. It is tiring to go anywhere when there are that many people there. In the daytime it is much more manageable.

Well I hope to take a nice bath and get to bed. I have put off cleaning and tomorrow that will be on my A list.

I hope you have had a wonderful summer. I am constantly reminded how wonderful every moment is that we have. Thank you for your continued support and love. Try me next week and see if I can get it together for an entry.

More Later,
Deborah

Sunday, August 18, 2002 at 04:13 PM (CDT)

Dear Friends,

It has been one of those perfect Sundays...cooler with a gentle wind. Just the kind of day I like to sit outside and enjoy. I sat in my folding lawn chair with my book and a small pillow. At first I sat in the sun, but that was too hot. Then I moved partially under the shade with the sun warming my legs. That was just right, but didn't last long, I moved my chair several times! So as the day wore on, Mark joined me. He brought his painting outside and stood behind me painting. It was just a wonderful day. Our local squirrels and chipmunk kept us entertained and the cats came out for about 5 minutes each. (Look in the dictionary under "scaredy cats" and you will find Butch and Maseka's picture). I finished my book and came in to look at the house and think about housework. Instead here I am.

The summer is moving along and this week starts the State Fair. We really enjoy going to that. We usually go early in the morning to beat the crowds. Mark likes to spend several hours in the Art Gallery looking at the local talent. His Aunt has had some paintings there. I enjoy it too, but not for 2 hours! I console myself at the chocolate shake stand next to the Art building. Many times I amble over to the dog show and watch the well loved pets parade. I don't know why I like the State Fair so much. I don't remember going to the MO State Fair at all, but I certianly enjoy going with Mark to this one. I think it is such a treat to ge able to go on the "off hours", a benefit of our work schedule flexibility.

I worked 7 hours a day last week and enjoyed that.
I am not going to 8 hours for awhile, gonna let the current schedule settle in. I am grateful to be able to work and I work with some wonderful people. That makes it so much more fun.

This week I get my CA-125 drawn and I see the Naturopath for my check up. I am anxious to hear how I test with both of those. I didn't think I would be anxious about the tumor marker test, but have found myself getting anxious the last 6 weeks or so. I feel good about the energy level that has taken a big jump upward in the past few weeks. I think the foot baths have helped me to remove some toxins. I am still aware that this takes time. I intend to heal on many levels and am asking Spirit to show me the way.

Well I guess the house work is calling me. I won't do much, just an hour or so. I want to enjoy the Great Outdoors this evening too. Maybe a little walk.

Have a great week,
Deborah

Sunday, August 11, 2002 at 11:11 AM (CDT)

Dear Friends and Family,

It has been a great week, again, energy-wise. I am so grateful. It seems I a busier than ever too with work, appointments and life.

Today I was out in the back yard painting an old kitchen door that we bought at the Re-Use center. Mark had to cut it down and cut a hole in it for our kitty door. Then a little sanding, priming and soon it will be in our kitchen across from the refridge. It has 12 little windows in it. We had a solid door there before and it made that corner so dark. Now the North light can come in and that will be great, especially in Winter. One side of it is stained wood and matches the wood in the kitchen. The other side will face out away from the kitchen. I will take a snap of it before we get it in the house.

We meet with the city planner tomorrow for a chat.
They are upgrading the wild green space behind our house that in some neighborhoods would be an alley, but in ours is still owned by the city. It used to be the trolley line. Now they have planted some trees and will put a paved walk for pedestrains (skate boarders?? ; ( ), some new trees, lights, shrubs and plants. We had often spoke of putting up a privacy fence but I think now is the time because our property slopes and has eroded a bit. We want to get someone in there with a bobcat and scoop out a place for a new retaining wall and eventually a fence. Tomorrow we will speak with the project engineer and planner. I am hoping to get them to put the light, (which by the drawn plans, should shine right into out back yard and windows), somewhere else. I think that is a valid request. We will see how it will work out. Mark was very active in trying to prevent them from doing this project as it is useful and pretty as it is, rather wild and overgrown by September, but gets plenty of walkers and no skateboards. Yet despite complaints from the neighbors who border this planned walkway, it is going through. The Big Train was already a' rollin". We will see what creative action can be taken to adjust the plan.

I thought you may want to see a picture of us at the Relay for Life walk. I will get a picture of the door too. So check on it.

Well I need to make my lunch and get ready for work. Today is the first of my weekends to work since returning to work. Because of my partial schedule I was working only week days. I have never minded working weekends in the past because I enjoy weekdays off, but it does seem a little weird to me to be going to work.

That is going well, by the way and last week I did 6 1/2 to 7 hours a day. I am on track to hit 8 hours by sometime in October or sooner if I continue to do well. I find it is such a joy to feel this good and to be able to work! I am enjoying the business of life and the possibility of continued health.

More Later,
Deborah

Saturday, August 03, 2002 at 05:16 PM (CDT)

Hello My Friends,

It has been a good week. I worked very hard this week and most days felt a usual amount of fatigue. Friday was my day off and I did some work around the house. In the late morning I took a bike ride over to Lake of the Isles where Mark was painting. It was a great thing to be on the bike. I hadn't done that since last year and enjoyed using different muscles.

The Uptown Art Fair was happening so I went to see what was happening there. It was about 3 blocks from where Mark was painting so he eventually joined me. It seems everything there is beyond my budget now that I am on a budget again. But it is always inspiring to see creation. I saw a rug that would be perfect for my kitchen but I have to think about it some more.

Later in the day we drove to Stillwater and I walked the "Survivor Lap" with 80 other cancer survivors in the "Relay For Life" fund raiser for the American Cancer Society". There were several teams of folks who where camped out in tents around the track (at a Jr. High School). All of them were inside of the track clapping when we walked by. My friend Jan from work had a team, "Towanda", who were smiling and waving when I went by. There was one team with a name that gave the survivors a chuckle, "Chemo Sabe". If you don't know about this fund raiser, the teams get donations to walk in relay fashion for 24 hours. I hope the heavy thunderstorms that are forecasted for this afternoon hold off in that area until after 6PM.

After our walk we were treated to a dinner with our spouses/SO's and entertained by the St Paul Winter Carnival Royalty. It was very nice. My in-laws live in Stillwater and came for the walk. Later we went to see them in their home for a little visit. I am grateful that those who volunteered to walk would do such a thing. Thank You Jan and others who walked!

My mind seems more alive these days and the busier I get the more lists I seem to have. Now if I can just remember where I put my lists!

I had another "footbath" this week and visualized more toxins coming out of me. I had an emotional release from this treatment and I look forward to 2 more days off so I can rest and integrate it all.

I finally got the pictures of the kitchen on the site. I hope you like them. I am getting used to the kitchen now. At first it was such a change, especially the coral colour, that I wasn't sure if I liked it. Now I think it is great...especially George Jetson.

Stay in touch when you can.

Deborah


Tuesday, July 30, 2002 at 11:07 AM (CDT)

Dear Friends,

We had a busy weekend. One and one half days of kitchen updating! We painted the walls and put up a new light. The change is wonderful. It is so cheerful now and the lighting, though it looks like something from George Jetson, provides a soft warm light from 5 small sources. Quite a change from the yucky flourescent light and dingy off white walls. We have these great pine cabinets (circa 1915), that have a golden stain so our new colours, a coral beneath the chair rail and a chamois above really brighten up the place. I have some mostly blue Mexican plates that look great against the yellow. Even though I liked the colours by them selves, I was unsure about how it would all pull together. I think it is out there, especially with the GJ light, but I am liking it more all the time. Those of you who are local will have to come by sometime and for the out of towners, Mark has promised pictures and he is having a new cabinet built for me for more storage.

Here is some exciting news. I worked 6 hours a day last week and felt GOOD! I was also impressed that I felt so good after many hours or sanding, painting and in general, unusual work this past weekend. I wonder if my upswing in energy is here to stay. I hope so.

I am getting this new detoxifying therapy called Bio-Cleanse. It is hard to explain because I don't fully understand it yet. But here goes...there is a container with reverse-osmosis water that has minerals and concentrated sea water (to create a gradient I suppose). A coil of sorts is hooked up to a machine that can be set to positive or negative and you put your feet in. 30 minutes later my water was a murkey orange with hunks of black and aquamarine stuff floating in it. The water turns different colours with different toxins. Black flecks indicate heavy metals, (one of my big problems has been mercury toxicity), and the orange colour means the toxins were pulled from the joints. I hope that helps the terrible joint pain that I have developed, especially in the mornings. I had sensed that the toxins had settled in my joints as I have a lot of pain there and have lots of trouble getting up and down from the floor, increased pain in the morning and stiffness. I didn't have this before the chemo so I have to think it is all connected.

I had a snafu with the long term disability company which caused some tears and a nightmare. It is quite an interesting story and the end result was the company waived a large overpayment that they had made to me (and that they wanted me to pay back). Mark saves the day (again); he had typed a letter reflecting the conversation that he had had with my case worker regarding how the benefit would be paid. Because of his diligence we had proof of that conversation. Even though they had made a mistake, they couldn't then say that we misunderstood the assignment of benefit calculation. Insurance companies are scary! I am now letting him do all the communication with the company. People who are sick or injured should not have to muck through legalese, conflicts and lawsuits. So if you find yourself in that position...get an advocate who writes everything down!!!

I must go and look at my new kitchen now.

Oh, one more thing...I am walking a lap in a Relay for Life this weekend. I think it will be fun but wonder if it will be emotional for me. Probably.

Stay in touch.
Deborah

PS Look for new pictures in the next few days!

Sunday, July 21, 2002 at 11:53 AM (CDT)

Dear Friends,

It is hot and humid here. We went to a block party last night at our neighbors across the street. When we got home at 10:00PM the dew point was 80. I think we were higher than anyone else in the nation. But it was so nice there because they had fans outside blowing on us. We had a wonderful visit with good neighbors and friends.

I have had a stellar week. No crying at the drop of a hat. I felt just wonderful too. I am finished with a round of homeopathic remedies so now I can have a cup of coffee and chocolate. Yum!

Do you watch the show "Trading Spaces"? It is on cable..TLC. The premise is 2 neighbors or friends decide to redecorate each others room. They have a designer and a carpenter (one for both parties), they have 2 days to complete the room and $1000.00 to spend. They cannot check on each others progress until the project is completed. It is fun to see what these designers will do. One usually starts by painting the walls a dark chocolate or black. She usually pulls the scary beginnings out of the crapper, so to speak, and creates a beautiful area. I love this show. It exemplefies courage and freeedom to try a new look. It is inspiring to me. So guess what? I am comtemplating on finishing the kitchen.

We have over the past 2-3 years stripped wall paper (that was painted over) and repaired plaster and painted the whole house except the kitchen. We have a tiny kitchen with little storage. It isn't wallpapered but needs just a small amount of wall work and then I can paint it. It has golden stained pine cabinets that are the focal point of the room and a "chair board" around the rest of the room dividing it into 2 sections as far as wall space. I wanted to try a raspberry colour on the bottom and a cream or very light green on the top. Mark thinks that will look like candy but, "anything you want Honey...I am willing to try it". Fat lot of good that does me. I need someone to just pick out the colours. Or at least advise. As my neighbor says, paint is so easily covered over. Except maybe in a kitchen that is so small that you have to leave the kitchen to change your mind. My other idea was a coral on the bottom and a light yellow on the top. I love blue but think it is too cool for the kitchen. Should I take pictures? Before and
After?

We had a big old ugly microwave cart with a mismatched door on the bottom that we used to store our gallons of water and the microwave...a tall lamp and various odds and ends. It stood right in front of the window and had a rather large footprint. So in the anything goes "Trading Spaces" brainstorming phase I decided to get rid of the cart, put the microwave on the fridge and open up that window. Wow...what a difference already. We now have to store some things in the cart in the basement...like most of the the water and left over cat food, but I think the trade off is great. I bought a little table that has a slide out, half moon leaf and 2 stools that tuck under it when it is closed. That is now in front of the window and I still have the lamp but that will go when I figure some new lighting out. Inspired and ambitious...that is me! Of course I won't do it all in a day but it sure is fun to plan it.

I noticed that the pictures didn't quite turn out like I had uploaded them. I will try to amend that today so you can see my new haircut.

Hope you are all staying cool and happy.

Deborah


Saturday, July 13, 2002 at 07:26 AM (CDT)

Dear Friends,

It has been a very teary week. I think all the emotion I have held in decided to cut loose. Well...at least the tears did. I seem to cry in the most unseemly moments. I think all the discharge of tears and emotion has left me feeling better. Very theraputic tears.

I actually had a good week for the most part. The usual complaints of not sleeping well during the hot nights.
Our air conditioner (the brand new one) was not working. We took it back and the new one allowed me to get 10 hours of glorious sleep on Tues night. It has since cooled down with lower humidity. Great sleeping weather. I am fairly reliant on sleep to keep me in balance. I get so surly when I am sleep deprived. think if I had children they would probably be damaged by my surliness during those early years of sleep deprivation.

It ws very beautiful today when I got up. I took a drive and there was a low lying haze over the landscape. It is supposed to get hotter today, in the 80s but the humidity should stay comfortable. Perfect summer weather. I have a walk planned with a neighbor and I was going to clean the house but Marco did much of that for me yesterday. He is very careful with me...especially when I have a teary week.

He has an art fair today. I had planned to help him with that but he has his intern helping him so I am free to play and relax. He even started the laundry! I couldn't believe he did that and the house cleaning when he had to prepare for the art fair...but he did!!!

I finally am able to give you a hair update. I put 2 pictures of me, one before the haircut and one after. The one before shows my white hair on the ends. that was the first hair that grew, then the darker hair came in. After the hair cut it is almost all brown. It is cute and easy to care for.

The last picture is a dragonfly. We had stopped at a store that sells lawn mowers and had 2 old John Deere tractors. Mark wanted a reference picture (of the tractor) and I stayed in the car. A dragonfly was resting on this post. When a person or car would disturb him he would fly away, but consistently return to the post. Mark got a nice picture of him.

Our front yard projects are looking better. The stucco is finished except for painting it to match the house. Mark has his eye on some cedar for the flower boxes and I can see the wheels turning in his mind. He loves the challenge of a new project. He finished patching the front steps and they look great. I believe they will last awhile. That front area, the side of the house and the back has an area of rocks/plastic that actually helps to keep our basement dry. I have in mind a little project to clean up the rocks and replace the plastic. It gathers dirt over the years and grass and weeds like to claim it for their own! Mark has also added some mess to it, stucco and cement patch. He built me a strainer. It is so great...wood on four sides and screen. I will set that up near the rocks and on the driveway and wash them off. It seems like it will be an easy job, but I suspect it may be more involved than I imagine. So I promise to take it very slow. One more thing...I bought 2 of those little solar powered yellow lanterns. They are so darned cute. We are gaining curb appeal by the minute!

I guess I should finish. I am so looking forward to this day and just having a fun time. I hope your weekend is a good one too.

More Later,
Deborah

Saturday, July 06, 2002 at 02:15 PM (CDT)

Dear Friends,

Have you ever had a "Blah" week? Well most of this one was kinda that way.

I am feeling good physically. My stamina was greatly tested by a few really yucky days at work. It was a busy week...lots of mom's ready to deliver. We were short staffed as it seems my co-workers like to go on vacation in the summer. I find that the 5 hours really wear me out when there is not enough staff.

Aside from the attention getting hours at work...I had July 4th off. We went to the Eckankar Temple parking lot to see the Chanhassan fireworks. It is on a hill and one can see about 5 displays at once. The ones at Lake Ann are very close and it is like having a front row seat. I love fireworks. I like living in a country with lots of "freedoms". That is a gift. You should have seen the bumper crop of mosquitoes that were trying to bite us. We used "Off", so most of them wouldn't land. Now that is some toxic stuff...I don't blame them. We hurried home to the shower to get it Off of our skin. But it was worth it to see the show.

Mark has now taken on the task of repairing the concrete steps to our house. They look great. He is such a perfectionist. On Monday he can do the last bit of stucco. He has been adding up the hours this has taken him and lamenting the time lost in the studio, but I know he enjoys these house projects.

I am still on track with my health goals. I am eating 5-6 servings of fruits and vegetables a day, have added whole grains and I am exercising about 6 days a week. All in all I feel verg good about my efforts. I have heard 100 days makes it a habit, so I have another month or so and I will have new habits.

My heart is full of gratitude for my health and for the freedoms I enjoy. I hope you enjoyed your holiday.

More Later,
Deborah

Saturday, June 29, 2002 at 11:18 AM (CDT)

Dear Ones,

Wow!!! What an exciting week. Monday night lightening struck our neighbor's tree across the street. We had been having a very stormy pattern...thunderstorms every night for most of the month. I think when you get a lot of a pattern maybe an immunity to it builds up. "Oh...another lightening flash...(Ho Humm)" Well...I had fallen prey to this and was WATCHING TV and relaxing. My bladder was empty which was a good thing because when that lightening struck there was a very loud crack and boom at the same time. I thought we were hit. I got up from my chair and shakily went to get a match to light the candles. Eventually after checking with Marco to see if he was alright, we went out to see what had happened. Our good neighbors were all collected on the sidewalk looking at the tree that got hit. It blew up the limb, ripping the bark off and sending it everywhere. We saw some pieces across the street. We stood out there talking while lightening continued high in the sky, candles burned unattended in our house and the adrenalin surge began to wane. Unattended candles worry me more than the lightening so eventually we made our way back to the house. The girl cats were their usually self but the big ole boy cat was cowering in the basement. The house was devoid of electrical hums and LED shinings. It was wonderful. Off the grid...at least for 2 hours.

I thought we were lucky when the TV worked and everything else seemed to be working. Alas...we did not escape unscathed. Our computer had some glitches in its performance. It just didn't want to use all of the alphabet, or should I say "alphabit", when speaking. We couldn't connect to the modem and other programs were just not right. It sits at the repair shop now awaiting another mother board. Notice that they call that piece a "mother board"...not a "father board". I thought that was interesting. When "she" comes back I will say, "You go Girl!". It was under warranty, less than a year old. It made us rethink that extended warranty that they always push on you when you buy somthing like that. Most of the time I think that is a waste of money and like most insurance is built on a fear factor type of motivation. However, the lightening strike made me think a little insurance would have been a good thing for our Girl Mac! We will process this a little more.

So that brings me to where I am today, my friend's house using her computer to write to you. I miss my Girl Mac, we have an understanding. But I am grateful to Debra for assisting me. You may remember Debra. I have had pictures of her on the site, she has long auburn hair and is such a dear. I think we will go to a movie today. We want to see "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", and that will keep me from cleaning house and working too hard.

Other news...I am getting a haircut next week. It is about 1 1/2 inches long and I am cutting it to 1/2 inch. It is curly and sticks out in the morning. I am anxious to have it short again because it looks okay on me and is so darn easy! I did take a picture of it and will include it on the site when I can use our scanner and Girl Mac is back. I don't know if you remember, but my first hair was white. It gives my do a "frosted" look. I must also report many more grey hairs. I wonder if when I get the white ends cut off if it will be darker? Something to look forward to.

I am doing my exercises that the physical therapist has given me and my back is feeling better. I am getting good tips on ergonomics at work and little position changes that really support my posture.

Marco is so much better. (Thank you, those who have inquired). He has a lingering cough, but he is back to his full work schedule. Today he is stucco-ing the front of the house where he tore off my window flower boxes. They had been dipping lower each year and he has been threatening to tear them off for several years. I didn't know if they really needed to come off or if he just likes to demolish things (I think it is a man thing). Well, I can tell you that I was attached to them and the flowers I grew there. I know now that they did need to come off. When this project is over I will have new ones and a greater appreciation of my husband. He is such a creative handyman.

One last note...balance. I am ever aware of it these days. I am walking a tightrope with a long pole. I have had many moments where I had to stand completely still and cry because I was so tired. Sharona (my chiropractor) keeps telling me that I must cut down at work as my system is on overload. So, I minded the Dr. and told my manager I needed to cut down from 6 hours to 5 hours. I want so to be going forward, not backward, but I know I must stay in balance. This is a critical time for me to heal and stay focused on balance, health and slowly learn how to creep forward with that long pole. I will master this, Dear Reader, have no fears!

More Later with Love,
Deborah

Saturday, June 22, 2002 at 09:49 AM (CDT)

Dear Ones,

It has been an interesting week. I have been happy yet emotional at times. I find myself leaking at odd times. On Wednesday I was tallking to a friend at work and crying. I thought I was all done with it but when I took my patient into a room the tears kept coming. I apologized, saying "It is just one of those days".

To my surprise she said , "That's okay, it makes me feel better....I was crying before I came in."

I guess we both benefited then, as I know I benefit from the release of emotion. I usually don't consider my workplace an appropriate place to do that benefiting.

I had some exhausting days, back pain that is present every day and a lot of really good moments. I get frustrated with the pain. I think that makes me more likely to emote.

I am getting chiropractic care and am seeing a physical therapist who gives me exercises. She is so kind and is going very easy on me as if I was recovering from chemotherapy! I had 2 exercises for 2 weeks and just got another one this week. The main point being to strengthen my abs and low back. I am getting a little stronger, so it helps. I just want to get back to my old pain level...or something better if that is for the good of all concerned.

Marco is so much better. He has been painting and cleaning out the studio this week. He put in the new ceiling fan last Sunday. That was a 5 hour job. I am lucky he is willing and able to do those household things. The fan is great.

I am being vigilant about taking things slowly, more so this week than ever. I do so much better when I do that. I want to "go get 'em" but that will come with time.

It is going to be hot and humid today. I already have the AC on in one half of the house. I saved this half for cleaning on the weekend, so I will be comfortable while I clean.

Hope your week was joyous. Keep in touch when you can.

Deborah

Sunday, June 16, 2002 at 11:49 AM (CDT)

Greetings,

It has been a grand day so far. I got up early and went to the coop for some fresh food. Then to a little restaurant next door for some buckwheat/blueberry pancakes. That was delightful.

The weather here is just perfect. 70s in the daytime and 50s at night. Low humidity. I have spent some time outside enjoying it this weekend watching the squirrel's antics and day dreaming.

Marco is sick, again with another cold. He was just getting over the first one and whammo...here is another. But I have found a secret weapon to get him to stay down and rest...benadryl. One little pink and white pill and he is sleeping like a baby for 10 hours. "Go ask Alice..."

I am happy to say that I really do have more energy. The fact of the matter is, I am so happy with my new wealth that I tend to spend it all in one place. The net result is I am still finding myself exhausted some days. I have just started working 6 hour days and this week will be the first full week of that. 2 of those 6 are supposed to be paperwork. The paper work is not as tiring as patient care and I enjoy doing it.
I still longingly look at my internal "to do" list here at home and wonder if I will ever get to it. I was so caught up on much of that when I was off all the time. Well, that will all have to wait until I have more energy to spend.

For those of you still hanging in with me at this site, thank you for your support. I know you are there for me and I can feel your love. Your love and friendship is a great treasure to me!

More Later from a Lucky Gal
Deborah Rae

Saturday, June 08, 2002 at 07:32 AM (CDT)

Dear Friends,

In our last episode our super hero, Marco was suffering from back pain. It seems he strained it helping a fellow passenger at the airport. As he gallantly hoisted her big heavy suit case and his, she said, "Thanks", his back said, "Thanks ALOT!"

Time and rest brought our hero close to his normal pace then "THWACK"...a silent attack from Mr Rhinovirus. Having known our hero for 10 years this writer only remembers him having one other cold that lasted more than 2 days. Yes, while others suffer a week or more, Marco the super hero usually has his superpowers turned on. (Strong constitution...check, Joy, check...Sense of Humor...Check). This time however he has had a low grade fever, sore throat, congestion and coughing for the past 6 days. In a normal person this would mean extra rest, for our hero it means one day of rest and "back to work with you".

Actually he would have rested more but an art fair was scheduled for this weekend and that involves some prep work. The roof was being replaced and that required some riding herd on the workers. He had to make a cart to haul all his booth display walls, tent and framed art. Lots of list tending.

Wednesday he loaded everything for the booth up and Thursday at 7PM he went to Edina to set up. Edina is just a few blocks from our house and you would think it would be easier to set up there. Alas he couldn't get anyone to assist with this two man job. His trusty sidekick couldn't let him struggle alone, so Thursday evening, after her work day, she went immediately to help.

The sky was dark and the air held that static quality that warns of a storm. The hero recalled last year at this same fair when a tornado went overhead, scaring everyone, but not touching down. The wind started to blow and lightening flashed...1-2-3...too close for comfort, especially when one is setting up a metal and plastic tent. Two hours later the bulk of it was set up and it was pouring a cold rain. Our hero and his helper left, exhausted and happy to have dodged a weather bullet.

Meanwhile...Deborah was having a bad week. She had lifted far too many heavy items over the course of 2 weeks, had turned over the soil in the garden to plant on Sunday, went to bed totally exhausted, continued with her work week, chiro appointments, swimming, physical therapy appointments, shopping and assisting of super heros.

One day while shopping, she became light-headed and almosted fainted. That put a kink in the day, but after a couple hours of rest and a good lunch she went to work.

The back pain, though not acute, nagged everyday and by the end of the day had worn her down with its boring-ness. She was frequently in her "care-taker mode", trying to make sure her primary caretaker, Marco the Super Hero, was not pushing himself to the brink of exhaustion.

By the end of the Thursday evening thunderstorm set up, she was again exhausted and in tears. Though aware of her part in the creation of this sad state of affairs, on reflection she believes she did what she had to do.

She does promise, Dear Reader, to rest this weekend and focus on recovery. Oh, and find someone else to help with "tear down" on Sunday.

Stay tuned for next weeks update,
Deborah

Saturday, June 01, 2002 at 08:54 AM (CDT)

Good Morning,

It has been, overall a wonderful week. I had my 3 month follow-up appointmtent at my doctors, Dr Wheeler. I will see both her and Dr, Carson every three months (alternating) for the next 2 years. My exam was fine and labwork all good. That was reassuring.

Otherwise my life seems so busy. I am working evenings now, still 4 hours a day when I can get away (sometimes 5-6 hours). It is tiring still . I have to get some of my usual things done before work, errands, phone calls, swimming, chiropractor...you know the score.... I thought it wouldn't feel so crowded already but it is.

Mark's back is better and mine hurts from doing more than usual. We picked up a ceiling fan and some cement borders for my gardens. I lifted the borders and carried the fan. Whew! I have planned to get the borders in today which involves a little shoveling so we will see how that goes. I don't want our short summer to be over before I get the flowers in, but I can surrender to that if necessary.

There are men on our roof tearing off our shingles. What a noisy mess! I am playing some music (Patty Griffin-1000 Kisses) and can hardly hear it. It is exciting to update the roof. It needed it...fortunately no leaking yet.

I wanted to update the photo album today. A cute picture of me and my parent's dog, Megan. She likes to sit in your lap and keep you warm. There are 2 pictures from the Dale Chihully exhibit in Phoenix. If you get a chance to go see it, do go...it is wonderful.

Finally I read a book called "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho. It is an easy read and a sweet story about a shepard who learns about The Language of the World among other things. Lots of widsom for those of you who seek.

Eat those cancer fighting fruits and veggies this week, 5-7 as day, and smile when you think of the health that they bring.

May the Blessings Be,
Deborah

Sunday, May 26, 2002 at 12:09 PM (CDT)

Greetings,

It has been a busy time since our return from Phoenix. I worked to get the house ready for my birthday party and had that party on Saturday night. I am usually not much of a party gal but decided last year that my 45th would be a year to celebrate. I invited my good friends from my church and we ate a beautiful dinner, cake, presents and played charades. Many of them are friends from when I lived in California and all of them dear to my heart. I scored on presents this year all the way around!

I am always a little shy about opening presents. All of that going back to not being a good receiver of love sometimes. I am still learning how to openly receive, just because someone loves me. My old me would think it seems selfish or something. Where do I get these ideas??? Well this is transformation time and I am saying to Spirit, "Bring it On".

Our vacation was good and I am ready to try a little work again. I have to report that Mark hurt his back lifting a heavy suitcase (actually 2 heavy suitcases at once off the carasol). He was trying to be nice and get another lady's suitcase as well as ours. Ours was probably way overpacked for one person to be lifting anyway. You know your in trouble when the airline puts that red note on it that says "HEAVY-GET HELP WHEN LIFTING". Anyway, he has been down more than up in the past 4 days and our chiropractoir recommends to take it easy for the next 6 weeks. He has done almost all the lifting, vacumning and heavy work around the house, so now I will get a shot at it. My back is already complaining, but I will be careful and take it all slowly. It certainly had put a dent in his big plans as far as working.

I had my CA-125 on Friday and Nan called me with the good news, it is 15, which is very low. That made my day. I have been careful to watch what I say about that. I don't say "I am worried about it", At least not very often. I am aware that it could come back, (the cancer), and if it does I will cross that bridge with grace.

Our words have such power. I watch those sayings that seem to creep into our vocabularies like "I can't stand that." or "I hate that" or "I almost died when...".
They create little a matrix of powerful suggestion that can eventually manifast in our lives in a sometimes not so positive way. Our words are our beingness manifested. It brings to light our intent and clarifies it. An example is I say," when I had cancer", not "now that I have cancer.", because I believe that is in my past. Some of these sayings are just a habit of our speaking manner. Something to think about..

Now thoughts have power too...and that is another days journal entry!

Well I have some studying to do, a walk to take and more resting. I hope you are having a wonderful Spring and enjoying the gift of life.

In graditude for all of you,
Deborah

Saturday, May 18, 2002 at 02:59 PM (CDT)

Greetings from Phoenix,

We are here having fun in the sun. My parents live here and it is good to see them. We have seen my sister and her family too. Everyone has grown!

We have been running around and several times this week I hit the wall as far as energy. I am learning to spend my energy allotment wisely and nap some to extend it.

I included some new pictures. We have enjoyed the pool. I have been swimming almost everyday or walking. Mark does other things in the pool (see photo). The last one of me shows my curly hair and my "sans sunglasses" squint.

I have been dreaming like crazy while here. I had an interesting waking dream...I was shredding some paper for my dad and the shredder got stuck. A couple days later I fed the garbage disposal celery and it got stopped up. Now there is surely a meaning in that. I am hoping that it does not relate to eating food and...well you know. Actually I think there is a message in it for me but I am asking for just a little more information. Another hint so I can learn the lesson.

Mark went to Scottsdale on Thursday to an art crawl. It was"Bon Appetit" night so there was food there from the school of culinary arts. He mentioned trufles, mini sandwiches, chocolate covered strawberries, wines and other treats. He had a great time enjoying the art and the spectacular sunset. I was home in bed resting.

Remember how much I used to do and go? I hope someday to be able to tell you that I am back to my old energy level. I am thankful for the energy I have.

Upon my return I will have my blood drawn for the CA-125 test. That is the blood tumor marker test. I didn't think I would feel anxious about it and I don't really know if anxious is the word...more like curious. It has been different not seeing the Dr every 3 weeks...I am being weened. I did run into my Gyn-Oncolgist last Friday at the hospital. It was great to see her and after a hug (I seem to want to hug everyone these days), she told me it was good to "see you looking like a civilian".

Well I am middle aged I guess...I turned 45 on the 14th. I now have gray hair too. But that is "chemo hair". Who knows maybe it will change. I don't dislike it, nor do I dislike my age. As a matter of a fact I am just a happy, lucky gal.

More next week,
Deborah

Friday, May 10, 2002 at 06:44 AM (CDT)

Dear Ones,

Hello to all. It is early again. I awoke thinking about a conversation I had with a friend yesterday...she told me that she didn't like who she is right now as she feels so stressed.

I can really relate to that, I noticed how I was stressed at work before my diagnosis. My journals were full of comments. I think now I feel differently about that which I will let stress me. My health, indeed all of us, benefits from a more liquid emotional state. Stress is a very real thing and in our job, my friend, it is like a waterfall pouring from the sky. It is hard not to look at it and get wound up in its power and intensity.

What to do??? Here are some things that I have found help me. (besides being faced with a life threatening illness)...

I always thought I was bigger than the waterfall. I could contain it, ignore it, whatever. Now I must live in peace with it. It will always be available to catch my attention. In some ways I have surrendered control. I liked to think I could control everything but alas that is not my experience. I do practice controlling what I can which is pretty much myself. Suggestions to others may improve my life or if I am attached to my suggestion, they may cause heartache when my desired effect does not come about.

I ask God for what I want. I ask that God's will be done. I believe that we can have what we want in life yet sometimes what we want is limited by our smaller view. By asking that God's will be done we allow Divine Providence to reign.

Knowing what I really want helps. I have asked for things that were not that wonderful when they came about. Look at the request from many angles. Ask for guidance that will give you more information. Phrase your request carefully.

Be not afraid to change. Ah that is the big one isn't it? At least for me change can be difficult. I think though if I am in an unbearable situation and I show Spirit that indeed I am willing to make a change and I take steps towards that, I demonstrate my intent to create a better situation for myself and Spirit helps by moving things along for me.

Let the little things go.
Do what you love.
Love what you do,
Start small and work up to all.
Ask for help.
Be happy.
Listen to you heart.
Eat your lunch, it will help.
When all fails and the waterfall is too big...Get out of the way. This may be a test to see if you will move to save yourself.

Give thanks for the days when the waterfall is a trickle because thankfully it can be just that. I wish you well on your journey my friend because I know it is challenging to feel like you do. Know that it can change with creativeness and intent.

I am grateful for our crazy, hectic waterfall at work. It certainly stretches me and gives me a chance to grow.

I am having some time off from work. I am glad I arranged it last Feb. I am tired from working 4 hours a day, which turned into 5 hours a day this past week for 2 of my days. I practically fall into bed when I get home. My energy is coming up ever so slowly, but it is better than 2 months ago. Hopefully this time off will infuse me with rest.

I will write next week so keep in touch.

With Love,
Deborah

Sunday, May 05, 2002 at 05:36 AM (CDT)

Good Morning!

This sleep thing is really interesting. I am still awakening with hot flashes and sometimes I can't lull myself back to sleep. This morning I was happily thinking about a talk I gave yesterday at our MN Regional Eckankar seminar. (More on that in a minute.) I find it interesting that Maseka seems to realize when we are awake and she starts thinkng about her food bowl and stirring. We close the door to the dining room so that she is with us alone (away from those "brown cats" that she so despises). Anyway she started moving around the bed and then because Mark was snoring...she decided to hone in on me. She walked over us both a minute than sat down on my chest. Thoughts of food bowls dancing in her head...she just sat there while I decided if I had better get up. She encouraged me by making a "smurf" sound (her way of talking sometimes), so I got up and she waited patiently by the door. I let her out and now she is patiently waiting with the brown ones for the morning gift of food.

Now while I am writing this I suppose that Butch (the boy brown cat), will eventually assume his usual role as "ambassador of foods"...he starts by putting his paw under the dining room door and shaking it;. Then he starts a woeful cry that sounds like he may be dying. We can ignore that and after a few minutes of complete quiet on our side of the door he usually lets it drop at least for awhile. Human babies will quit crying when they need something and are consistently ignored...we call it neglect. Butch, on the other hand, reasumes the role as soon as he thinks we may be stirring. His pitiful cries make me feel like a mean parent. Yet he is our fattest cat. We abide by the twice a day, measured amount that the cat can eat in 10-15 minutes, method of feeding. When we are gone and Debra cares for them they self feed and I think they gleefully eat as much as they can. They are generally less friendly to humans when food is available at all times. Gee I bet you didn't know you were going to get "Deborah's tips on cats" today!

One more sleep tidbit...I was listening to a talk show the other morning on MPR. They were talking about sleep deprivation. I decided to call them. I have never done this before and it was a great experience. I asked the expert about my awakening every 1-11/2 hours with a hot flash. I explained that I feel relatively rested in the mornings but wonder if the disruption in REM sleep is adversely affecting me. He told me that the studies show that brief awakenings do not affect daytime functioning. So you Dr.'s out there who get those "in the middle of the night" phone calls, I assume this would include you. I think IF I can get back to sleep that it is true. In the beginning I was so attached to sleep that I resented anything that would rob me of it, (sleep deprivation was a factor in my decision not to have children--ha ha). As time has gone by, I have surrendered to awakening, turning on my clip fan, cooling off, and then rolling back into slumber. Lack of resistence makes the process so much smoother. I wonder if other attachments that I have will get shaken up as Spirit asks me to loosen my grip and creatively find another way to live. I am happy that I walk a path that will ask me to shake things up and grow. That brings me to my talk....

I haven't been on a stage for an Eckankar event since 81 when I sang a song that I wrote at a campout in Oklahoma. I got the invitation to speak and between you and me, I had told Spirit "I am ready to serve...show me what I can do...just please, not public speaking!". Well I just couldn't resist the topic..."Love for all Life, No Strings Attached". So I accepted and sure enough there was a talk in my heart that revealed itself over time. I practiced my talk while I swam and aloud in front of Mark in the living room. I wanted to be sure I was prepared...wanted to avoid uh...uh's...and just be able to have fun with it. I was fairly sure I was prepared but as I got up on stage, of course I was scared, but I got direction from my Inner teacher and guide to change the intro. My voice shook as I tried to ad lib the words of a lesson that came to me earlier that morning in a comtemplation. I had asked the Inner Master to help me prepare for my talk and he told me to pretend the talk was already successfully completed and just present it a second time. I tried to relate that but hopefully next time Spirit will not move me to change my intro...that is a bad part of the talk to change when you are nervous anyway! But it went well and I loved being here on Earth to tell the story. The talk was 15 minutes long so maybe too much to tell about here, but mainly it was about Soul using its creative imagination to glide through any situation with Love. In my case, cancer. Give me an e-mail if you want to hear more and I will send you the main points of the talk.

Finally...Spring is nearing. There is a green haze in the trees, heavier in some than others. The sleet and heavy rain battered my tulips yet one is standing tall. Mark is out there in the local parks, in the mornings, painting and that brings him much happiness. I am glad he is able to do what he loves. He was busy these past few months taking care of me and it brings me joy to see him happy.

Hope your week is a happy one too. Keep in touch.

Deborah

Sunday, April 28, 2002 at 11:54 AM (CDT)

Happy Spring,

This has been a great week. I have felt more rested this week and have reaped the mental benefits of feeling good.

Last night we had a thunder snow storm. It amazes me that it can be lightening and thundering and snowing at the same time. I guess it goes without saying that it has been cold here too. Windy coat weather.

When we had that 91 degree day I took the flannel sheets off the bed and shucked the down comforter too. Well I guess the summer bed clothes are not enough for me as I would wake up in the middle of the night plastered against Mark. He would be clinging to the edge! I got the down comforter back out and added it to the mix. Last night I put the flannel sheets back on so we are in total winter mode, at least in the bedroom. In my heart there are flowers, budding trees and singing birds amidst the snow.

I am watching some drama in my life unfold. The changes are subtle at times, sometimes remarkable. I feel like I am dynamic and changing and the world around me changes as my point of view broadens. A miracle is a change in consciousness and I am grateful for the miracles.

Well for now I am just going to bask in it all and will present to you the new me, everytime you see me!

Until next week!
Deborah

Saturday, April 20, 2002 at 06:58 AM (CDT)

Good Morning,

Life is grand. I have had a good week. I feel good and my energy level was better this week. I tested the waters with an 8 hour/ day continuing education seminar on Thursday and Friday. I did well despite wanting to put my head down a lot. I think I was assisted by the fact that I had 2 nights where I slept for 3 hours uninterruptedly. I usually have a hot flash every hour and that adds to my fatigue on a usual day. I am trying to figure out how I got so lucky (to sleep...to dream...).

I have been on a mission to avoid taking HRT,,,hormone replacement therapy for those of you who don't have to think about it. I started with an idea that I was just going to do one remedy at at time to try to curb the million and a half hot flashes I have been having. Well that went so slow. I first tried soy, then added Black Cohash. That did very little. Yet I was told to give it a few months. Now I am doing a Chinese remedy to tonify Yin and Evening Primrose oil. Something is helping. I have less surges during the day and a few less during the night. I have decided that if it ends up that I have to take something made from mares urine (the hormone) to sleep at night, I will do that.

It is new for me to be so flexible about that because I had put hormones on that NO list. I always said that the patients who came in with the "NO" Birth Plans (NO pitocin, No C-Section), tended to attract that which they tried to repel. There seems to be some Law that attracts that which we resist. So I am trying to be flexible and bend like the willow. Perhaps we never know how much of a control freak we are until we are placed in extraordinary circumstances. Some of those require a little bending and I keep reminding myself...it is really okay to let some of these attachments/preferences/ideas go. It can be very tiring to try to control every little thing. I had steriods on my NO list too but had plenty of those during the time I took chemo (which was also probably on the list at one time).

We had a couple of fun nights out this week. We went to a small mall where out friend Rick was doing an art demonstration. Mark and I met him when we took some classes from him. I took a drawing class (don't ask how I did!) and Mark took a couple of landscape painting classes. He is a great guy...lots of love pouring out, loves art, loves teaching and loves life. We vowed to get together, maybe as his broken leg gets better.

Last night we went to an old theatre to see "Gosford Park". Mark had wanted to see it for a long time and it is almost done at the theatres. I have been mostly too tired to get to an evening movie but I am happy to report it went very well. We ate Mexican food at a fun place right by the theatre, then popped over to the movie. I liked it but it took half of the movie to get my "ears" attuned to the British accent. My neck was hurting and I kept looking at my watch, wondering when it would be over. TV would have been a better option for me, but I love to please my sweetie. I tried to be descreet about looking at my watch (it has a lighted dial when I push a button), but Mark caught me once and said we could leave. (I declined thinking it would be over soon). It was a long movie . The good thing was it tired me out and I went right to sleep when we got home.

It was 91 degrees this week and that was an eye opener. Humid too. We grilled fish and veggies that night. Later in the week we had some night thunderstorms and it has cooled off quite a bit. Now we may have rain/snow mix on Sunday. The radiators were warm this morning and I was grateful.

We are getting a new roof! Hail damage. I am glad we had an insurance adjustor look at it. It is a big gift not to have to pay for it ourselves. I did have some fun trying to figure out where that money would come from though. My busy little mind likes something to chew on sometimes.

A quick update on the hair. I love having hair!!! I find that I just don't want to wear my hat at all. Mark took a couple of pictures of me which I will include on the site so check back if they are not there yet.

Happy Spring to all and thanks for being there for me.

Love,
Deborah

Saturday, April 13, 2002 at 12:50 PM (CDT)

Greetings,

Today Mark and I celebrate 7 years of wedded bliss. See Photo page. I am the luckiest gal alive.

It is a beautiful day for it too. We were just outside looking at the tulips that are just starting to pop through. We have hyacinth and crocus in the front yard. I am getting antsy to remove all the mulch, but it IS Minnesota, so I had better cool my jets for a few weeks.

I bought Mark a small table to put by his side of the bed, After my surgery I had so much paraphernalia I needed the bigger bedside table with drawers. We both struggled with changing sides of the bed, but now are used to it. The table on my side was a very small, utilitarian unit that folds up. I was so happy to find a smaller table for him today. It did require assembly. Now I know why Mark always does that...I scratched the top of it. Mark says he can fix that though...man of many talents.

We will go out to dinner tonight. I would have liked dinner and a movie or play but as yet I think my energy would not be up for that. We did however go to a movie Thursday afternoon. We decided to spread out our anniversary celebration.

Those of you who know Mark know what a wonderful man he is. I hear that "Sound of Music" song today, that one that Maria sang in the garden to the Captain..."...somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good." I feel truely blessed to have him in my life. And I have promised to stay here and enjoy many more years with him.

I am thinking of those of you who will be coming to see us....yes...YOU. You out of towners who may want to see Mpls and visit, I am trying to get a bed for you. I found a sofa bed at Marshall Fields warehouse sale. I was so excited. We moved the old couch out Sunday night, heaving and straining. The delivery men came on Monday and took one look at the door frames and said, "It isn't going to fit." I was bummed but now will try to hold out for one of those Sleep By Numbers sofa beds. They are in the process of making smaller sized sofa sleepers that will fit through small frames. I know you will be more comfortable in a Sleep By Numbers bed than the regular sofa beds. If you come before the sleeper does, we can work something out! We still have the old couch-Heave Ho!

Hair Update: It is getting longer on top, maybe 2 mm and the sides are just filling in. The colour is up for grabs. My wig is so hot, I have taken to wearing my white hat to work. Every once in awhile someone will compliment me and tell me that they too had worn a hat for awhile. I see fellow hat wearers too and we always speak.

Oh you should see my cowlicks. Wow. I bet my Mom and Dad remember them. I thought you would like to see me as a baby. Look in the photo page. Can you see Little Debbie Cakes in there?

Well I can see I have dragged in mud so I must go.

Until Next Week,
Little Debbie Cakes

PS. Jan, thanks for reading my page even though you see me slmost every day!

Saturday, April 06, 2002 at 09:27 AM (CST)

Dear Friends,

It was a good week. The snow on April 1st was pretty and I enjoyed winter's last hurrah. It is still cold here so I guess the tulips are still asleep.

I am happy to report that my back pain is better. I was starting to feel overwhelmed with the fatigue and the back pain. It has really kept me laying low. I had a wonderful massage and saw my chiropractor twice and that has really put me on track.

My friend Debra surprised me with a ticket to a concert Tuesday night. Even with access to concerts, plays and other cultural events I find that we don't take advantage of them like we could. Maybe there will be more activities in my future.

The concert was Bonnie Raitt. I have seen her several times in the past 25 years and she always has a good show. She looks great and seemed to feel good. It was her third concert of a 6 month tour. She has a new album coming out and we heard several of the new songs. Sounds like a winner to me. The crowd was interesting, lots of bald heads and grey...I guess we are her long standing base of fans. The concert was in a smaller sized auditorium, (Northrup) where every seat has good sound, We were in the back and I was sad I forgot my binoculars. I love the concerts these days as far as air quality. None of that heavy scent in the air. There WAS a little fire 3 rows down. I don't know what those gals were doing because we didn't smell any herb smoke...but saw a flame up that they dropped to the floor and were stamping. It was towards the end of the show and maybe they were trying out their lighter for the encore. I was glad that no one seemed hurt.

You know how at concerts someone is usually yelling out a song they want to hear. That is okay unless the loudmouth is RIGHT BEHIND you. This gal kept yelling "Guilty" very loudly and frequently. I wanted Bonnie to sing "Give it Up or Let Me Go" so I though I could yell "Give It Up" right after her "Guilty",, but loudmouth gal might have struck me. So Deb and I exchanged the rolling eyes and discussed the "sock in the mouth" approach. Bonnie did hear her and responded that she knew we wanted to hear some old songs and she would get to it. She did and it was great, but I don't think she did "Guilty". She didn't do "Free Bird" either...that was another request from our section after "Guilty" gal yelled for the 10th time.

I missed the mouth harp that she has often has in her music, but the band was good and if she comes your direction and you like her, go see her. Take binoculars unless you are close and don't catch your dress on fire with the lighter! Maybe if you have a yeller behind you you will tell her to "lay off already!", that is if you are not in MN where we have "Minnesota Nice". Now if Mark had been with us....

I had 2 "emotional meltdowns" this week. Fortunately there was no "emotional disaster" thanks to compassionate friends who listened. I am having trouble not jumping back into life with both feet. But for now I must be at ease with the physical limitations of fatigue. I am usually down by 5 PM and resting the whole evening before bed at 10:30. Work is very tiring physically and emotionally, A real stretch for me.

Hope your week was good. It is a joy to be alive and to be able to cry and laugh.

Until Nest weel,
Deborah

Saturday, March 30, 2002 at 08:40 AM (CST)

Good Morning All,

It has been an exciting week. I am so excited about Spring. I love the angle of the sun and all it promises. Soon the tulips will be popping out. Meanwhile I bought some at the store to enjoy. I think tulips are my favourite. I say think because I love all flowers and when I see a beautiful blossom I find I have a new favourite.

Physically my back has hurt all week. It must be my bodys way of telling me to slow down. I need that. I told my chiropractor about my back pain on Monday. She said, "For the next year you need to be a princess.".
My reply, "I know but I just want to be normal."
"You can hire normal..." was her quick comeback.

I think that is a good idea.

We went to Office Max to get a new computer chair and ended up getting a new computer desk in addition. It was great fun to remove the old and bring in the new. I like rearranging the furniture. It gives the room a whole new feng shui too. The cats really like it. Maseka has been hanging out on the window sill when I open it. She intently watches the birds with her mouth open, breathing fast (I guess a normal cat thing), and she makes a weird sound sometimes. I think she feels like she should be out there hunting, yet she doesn't know what hunting is...housecats, you gotta love them.

Work has been good. I have worked up to 3 hours a day, still 4 days a week. My managers are kind to let me work Monday, Tuesday, rest Wednesday and back Thursday and Friday. It is the perfect schedule for my energy level. I felt good until Thursday. On Thursday and Friday I pretty much was in bed all evening. A good side benefit to that is my back feel better this AM.

I had my port (implanted catheter) flushed on Wednesday. It was great to be back in MICC and see all of my chemo nurses. I so enjoyed getting to know them and can report that the care I received was superb. I will keep the port about a year if I can and will be able to see them every month or so.

Hair Report: Cute...Cute...Cute! It is getting denser at the top and the sides are filling in. I will take some pictures of it every week for a later review on the site. The wig is cute but hot. I wear a little cap under it that has a ridge that is sewn from front to back in the middle. When I take it off my hair has migrated to fill the ridge and I look like a baby whose hair is combed into a ridge on the top. It is so soft and still I am not sure of the colour. I think it is getting darker.

Hope your Holiday weekend was a good one.

More Next week,
Deborah

Saturday, March 23, 2002 at 12:15 PM (CST)

Happy Spring,

For those of you NOT in MN, maybe it is spring. It is still cold here. I think the weather man said this year March would be our coldest month. Very strange to be wearing a heavy winter "January shoulder slump". There has been snow, icy roads and warm fireplaces this week.

I was happy to attend a gathering of my friends to celebrate a new house purchase. We had a lovely dinner, visiting and sitting by the fire. What a great blessing my friends are!

I have had a tired week. I feel urges to do Spring housecleaning but am trying to restrain myself to general cleaning. Today will be the test as I had set this day in my mind for some serious cleaning. Alas my back hurts and that is usually a sign that I shouldn't be doing heavy housework.

I am studying for a recertification to resuscitate newborns. Mark has been so kind as to help me. There are these algorithms that require an action. I have done these actions for years but to repeat them back orally is a challenge. The first one requires me to ask him "if there is meconium". Meconium is baby's stool that may come out before birth. It can be seen in the baby's fluid or on the baby's body. So I ask Mark, "Is there meconium?" He is supposed to say yes or no (or at least that is what the book says), but instead he asks "What is meconium?" I guess you have to understand the concepts you are testing. I did think that maybe this would be a long process if I have to explain everything, yet he gets the hang of it quickly. I usually just muddle through these algorithms at home before the test and wing it. This time I think I will know it forwards and backwards. I havent' really done this for several months so I thought it best that I really prepare.

Hair update: Yes it is just about the most exciting thing in my life this week. i have hair growing everywhere. My face, my arms, legs, eyelashes and eyebrows. I have a picture from last week to show you. You can just see it peeking through. This week it is much thicker and so soft. Instead of petting Maseka, I just run my hand over my hair and purr. I am not sure I can make a determination about colour. It seems liek it will be much lighter...maybe blonde. It is probably too short to say for sure. I am sure pictures will be coming soon so keep watching. I will put new pictures on today so take a look..

More Later,
Deborah

Sunday, March 17, 2002 at 12:35 PM (CST)

Happy March!

It has been snowy and windy here this month. We just had a 10 inch snow to dig out of. March snows are nice because the sun is warm and it melts relatively fast., sometimes creating ice, which can be a downside.

The porch was 70 degrees and the cats were so happy when we opened the doors to gain some of that solar heat and let them bask in the sunshine. Soon it will be open for them all the time.
The plants are growing new sprouts, some of which have provided green nutrition for the cats.

The plants aren't the only thing sprouting. Have you been wondering about my hair?? It started growing about 2 weeks ago and was white. Now it seems to be darker and I have a 5 o'clock shadow! It is only 1-2mm long on the top. The sides, back and hairline is just barely showing signs of growth. So far it seems lighter than what I had before, but that may change. Mark took a picture of me yesterday, so soon we will have something to show you.

I put some new pictures on the site last week after my journal entry, so if you haven't seen them you may want to check it out.

Maseka is curled up on the desk top on a towel that I laid out for her. She likes to be near me when I am on the computer. Sometimes she has to lift her head up and look for birds outside. She has been shedding so I have been combing her. Her coat is so silky today. I have heard that petting a cat lowers ones blood pressure, so mine must be low because I can't resist her soft fur.

Physically I had an immune system challenge this week. I had a cold. I am happy to report my body seems to have processed it without difficulty. I had to take it easy, nap a little more, do all those things one does with a cold...and I am getting better every day. I so dreaded getting a cold when I was on chemo and an so thankful it came now instead.

My work week was good. I did some paper work...audits. I was grateful I to interact with paper and pen, not patients. I wouldn't have wanted to spread this cold to anyone. I am still only working 2 hours a shift, 4 days a week. For now that is a challenge so I will continue that pace for 2 more weeks and re-evaluate.

My thoughts and prayers are with those of you who are having surgery this week, have recently had surgery, broken bones or are now having chemo. The journey does come with its bumps in the road. Remember the smooth stretches that balance it out.

Take care, all of you, and enjoy being alive.

In God's Love,
Deborah

Saturday, March 09, 2002 at 11:13 AM (CST)

Greetings,

My big news this week is I returned to work! It has been wonderful to interact with people...co-workers and patients. I am only working for 2 hours a shift, 4 days a week. My workplace has changed. It is busier and hectic. I feel hints of the stress it provided me with before my departure...that rushed feeling of trying to get all the work done, wanting to keep interactions with everyone short so I can get everything done and the sinking feeling that I don't have the time to do my job to the best of my ability. It sounds like a set-up, doesn't it? I am trying to stay present in the moment and let my expectations go. I leave feeling as if I have worked a full 8 hours! I have been swimming my laps and going right home for a 2 hour nap.

I feel happy to be able to get out and focus on work. I want to focus on a balance that will keep me from getting consumed every day by stressful situations that are larger than I am. I will stay in touch with the question of whether this particular area of work is constructive as related to my goal of balance. It is a relationship with the possibilty of change. For now I want to see which way the wind blows.

Still the largest thing about me, as Soul, is Love. Love embraces all and I am happy to be able to allow it to flow through. It is wonderful to serve in this way.

Many times I feel like I have been given a big gift, a new lease on life here on Earth. As I unwrap this gift I find something daily to be grateful for. When I shift my consciousness and view the gift, the daily stuff becomes less engaging. It is a discipline to keep open to God's love and to serve. A discipline that I look forward to every day with love.

Again, I am grateful for all of you. Your support means so much. Thank you for standing by as I watch my "Birdwings" contract and expand!

More Later,
Deborah

Tuesday, March 05, 2002 at 09:00 AM (CST)

Good Morni ng,

It is a beautiful morning, light snow, one of my favourites. I am certianly a cold winter gal. It was very cold here the past few days and today will be in the lower 30s, or so I hear.

I haven't been walking in the cold. It was just too much, especially with the wind. Instead I have been visiting the Y and swimming. I have been lucky to find it slow most days so I don't have to share a lane. Sharing is disruptive to the rhythmn of swimming and makes it more of a chore than a delight. I can see you swimmers nodding your head.

I am feeling physically well. I am learning to expect the unexpected as far as my energy is concerned. I am finding it increases some every 2 weeks or so and any increaase makes me feel as if I can tackle a mountain, so to speak. I do push myself a bit then usually come home and have a nap. I want to get back to a full schedule in the future and am learning the gift of taking it slow and enjoying what I have now.

Being present...it seems such a human thing to NOT be present. It is a very big task to experience emotions, mental mountains, physical sensations and whatever else comes our way, in fullness. It is almost frightening the depth of these daily events. I guess that is why we develop defense mechanisms like denial, procrastination and projection. If we declare that God's Will be done it involves, for me, a surrender to the Divine. I have been a control freak from a long way back so it is a good lesson in "letting go and letting God" for me to declare that God's Will be done.

I started back to work yesterday for my 2 hour shift. I started the day with a test of my physical ability...I decided to climb the stairs. I work on the 6th floor so it was a good test. Keep in mind that just a month ago I became very short of breath with just one flight. I am happy to report that I went 3 flights slowly and had to rest. The last 3 took a little longer to recover from. My friend Cyndi thought I was crazy, but I had to try it. Testing, testing...1-2-3!

Work was very kind to me. I am starting out slowy, relearning some things and catching up on the many changes that have happened in my workplace. It just so happens that we have had big changes. We had known about them for months, since about May of last year. I guess that in some ways it was good to be gone for the construction and the inital changes that present a challenge to staff. I feel like I am starting a new job. In some ways it is like a dream, I sense there is an important lesson in the experience and it seems just a little unreal to me. I know it is not going to morph back into the comfortable world I worked in before I left. Yet another change. The one constant in life is change. I choose it with joy.

I read in the paper that there is a trend of folks who journal online called "blogging". I guess that is what I am doing. As my health increases I will have less stories to tell you about doctors and health issues. It was sorta like having my medical file on-line. I have this site for one year and will keep adding to the journal every week or so, so stay tuned.

For now my medical journal reads:
Congratulations...so far, so good. My heart reads...Gratitude and Joy!

More nest week,
Deborah

Wednesday, February 27, 2002 at 07:39 PM (CST)

Greetings Again,

I need to tell those of you who may try to sign the guestbook that the site was updated last weekend and there are still some snafus in the system. I just typed a long note and it got lost in cyber space. If you cannot sign the guest book and you want to, could you let me know, I need to let them know that it is not working.

Now I feel like I am repeating myself somehow. There must be a reason for this...maybe the words come out in a different way now with a different vibration. Words can let those "mental cats" out of the bag and solidify intentions. It is probably a good thing that I cannot remember exactly what I said. I will try to be clear with this one and hope it will get through.

My CT scan was negative. It was a relief to know that my feeling that the cancer is gone was on track. Mark went with me to the hospital and Dr's office. It was a 6 hour trek without food for me. Lunch was a grand celebration!

I am swimming again. Yesterday I did 18 laps which is about 9 less than my usual. I was watching my pulse and slowing down my pace to keep it at that 70-85%. It felt so good to be swimming again. I thought I would get over there on the weeks when I felt good during chemo, but the idea of emerging in the cool water kept me away. Now I just bite the bullet and after a couple laps it is just right. I like to do a contemplation when I swim, that is if there is no one in the lane with me. It is such a meditative exercise. Walking makes me think about the budget or cleaning house sometimes. Other times I can find that pace that allows me to drift along. I have never been one for pounding aerobics class. If it has a dance element to it and the instructor says "turn right", I always seem to be out of sync with the others. Did you know if you are clumsy enough that you can hurt yourself and run into other people? Not recommended.

Well it is a joy to share good news with you and to be with you through these notes. Thank you for your support and love. It has been a tremendous gift to me during this time.

Your Lucky Gal

Tuesday, February 26, 2002 at 03:33 PM (CST)

Dear Friends,

We took a road trip to celebrate my finishing chemo. It was great to get away from the cabin here and see friends and family.

We went to Eureka Springs, Arkansas. It is a cute town, small, built on a mountain. The streets are curvey, narrow and steep. It was the "off season" so we missed the throngs of people walking around town and the cars trying to negotiate the pedestrains. All in all the best time to be there. Some of the shops and restaurants were closed and some were only open on weekends. We stayed in a historic hotel called the Basin Park Hotel. It is in "Ripleys Believe It or Not" because each of it's 6 floors open on to ground level. We were on the second floor, 3 floors up and many times I took the stairs. I was so happy to note that I could take the stairs with little shortness of breath. I think the first night we were one of one or two guests booked. Quiet. We love that.
Mark painted some mornings, on a bluff above the White River. I had a massage at the spa and found the breakfast place where the locals hang out. For a small town they have lots of alternative health care available and a nice health food store.

We also visited with friends and family. One visit found us playing charades with two of our friends. It was great fun and stretched out minds in a way they hadn't been stretched for awhile. Mark was quite the task master. One time when I turned away from him to ask our friend Dean what if he remembered what the first word was, Mark started clapping and pointing at me as if to say...PAY ATTENTION! He is a hoot.

We stopped by my hometown, El
Dorado Springs and saw some friends. It was great to visit in person. We all have been communicating more since my illness and that has watered the garden of our friendship. The hugs and love we shared were pauses in that garden, enjoying the beauty of what we share. I missed seeing many friends that we could have seen if we had not gone to Arkansas, yet the time there was healing and special too.

We finished our visit by a stop in Kansas City to visit with family. We had a wonderful dinner at Buca...good food...good converstation. I have been blessed with a nice family; a sweet reunion.

Since arriving home I have been doing the usual house chores, paying bills, giving extra attention to Maseka who seems to be needy. I have started swimming again and happy to report that I did a half mile today and feel very good.

Tomorrow is the CT scan. I feel it will be a good report. If not I will cross that bridge later. I am glad to be finished with chemo. I have signs that I am still processing and eliminating that stuff. I have the cutest white hair which I have heard is "luna hair". It is starting to grow and I make Mark look everyday to see if it is longer. I wonder when the real hair will come in...maybe I will be a white haired lady! That would be okay...any hair would be good.

I promise to write again in the next couple of days to let you know about the CT results. If for the good of all concerned, I am asking for negative scan results.

More Later,
Deborah

Wednesday February 13, 2002 10:05 PM CST

Greetings,

I am happy to report that I am feeling fine! I still have my afternoon naps but all in all my physical body is in recovery. My emotional is another story. Now that I am not as concerned with physical comfort (survival), I can focus on the emotional. That is a good thing yet the emotions that are coming out are surprising to me. I think I just didn't have the strength to explore that area. I find myself easy to cry. Crying is so healing and I am allowing it.

I am enjoying the days this week. Mark is happy that I am stronger and feeling better. I have been walking and enjoying our Spring-like weather. I think a lot of birds just stayed to winter here this past year. I can hear them singing and it makes me feel like singing too. I am excited for the day when the loons will stop over Lake Harriet and Calhoun. There are 2 of them that come to each lake. I love to hear their calls. I wonder if they will come early this year.

My next milestone will be my CT scan Feb. 27th. I believe that it will be negative. I will update the journal as soon as I know. What follows that is every 3 month check-ups with the Dr. and blood tests. I am grateful for such wonderful medical care and for the alternative care that has complemented my medical care.

Tomorrow is Valentines Day. A day to celebrate Love. I wanted to share some of my favourite passages from "Stranger By the River" by Paul Twitchell. It is my Valentines gift to you.

"Love is not a matter of belief. It is a matter of demonstration. It is not a question of authority, but one of perception and action."

"Therefore if you desire love, try to realize that the only way to get love is by giving love. That the more you give, the more you get; and the only way in which you can give is to fill yourself with it, until you become a magnet of love."

"...Love is dynamic in action and contagious in effect. Pure love, then is matchless in majesty, and has no parallel in power and there is not darkness where it exists, and no darkness which can stand its power."

Happy Valentines Day my friends!

More Later,
Deborah

Thursday February 7, 2002 9:21 AM CST

Hello All,

I am happy to report I am feeling much better!!! I am able to run some errands, take my walks and be happy. I still have greater challenges than ever before as far as the effects of the chemo. The side effects are worse with each round and though I know it was my last...I have been emotional with the discomfort of this past week. I cried last night when I noticed that almost all of my eyelashes and eyebrows are gone. I know this is not a time to be vain...it just seems like adding insult to injury. I am trying to forget about it as much as possible. They have to come back soon, yes??

I decided to update the photo album. A picture of me, the only recent one, with my brother-in-law and Mark. It was the first day after chemo so I am round faced . But I am still cute.

The second one is Mark...at the ready to throw me a life line whenever I need one. He has been great. He is the main cook and botle washer now. He also wipes away my tears when they come. My best friend. You would think being with someone all the time would get nerve racking to a degree. We have very little of that, though I have been irritable lately and less tolerant than usual.

Lastly, near Tropic Utah is this abandoned gas station. It decribes how I feel much of the time, "too pooped to pump". I had no idea it would get this impressive. The first rounds were so easy and by the second week I felt fairly normal. I realize it will take awhile to get back to full strength. I certainly have had some feelings surrounding that fact. I watch them pass through like clouds, some stormy, some whispy. Though I am at times shaken, I am able to right my vessel with the help of Spirit. I am certianly not living in a cave of denial...I acknowledge the storms and the calm.

I will write more later.

Deborah

Sunday February 3, 2002 8:39 PM CST

Hello All,

It is Sunday night and I can only report a week of long naps. This last round was hardest of all as far as side effects. I feel exhausted and though I know I should be feeling happy that it was the last treatment, I just feel tired and listless. I know I will come around mentally and emotionally when I am better physically. All in time.

As I watch the dust collect on the furniture I feel a stirring of want to be up and about cleaning and sorting through the collected stuff of life all around me. I think tomorrow will find me getting some of that house cleaning done in the morning. Mornings are such good times as far as energy.

Not much other news,. I just wanted to update and let you know I am still cocooning a bit here and would welcome an e-mail or phone call.

Next week...I will emerge.

Deborah

Wednesday January 30, 2002 6:34 AM CST

Good Morning,

My last chemo was on Monday. I was so happy. I had thought I might not get it due to my ANC, but in my "chemo brain", I had the parameters wrong. So for those of you who saw me when I thought I was going to have to wait a week, I looked pretty sad about that by the way...anyway it all worked out. The nurses at MICC set me straight and I was so happy to know that I was on track to get my final treatment. The treatment went well and I have had the usual mild side effects, mostly from the decadron. That drug has gotten harder for me to handle with each time. If I get rambly or unclear in my writing today, then you will know the cause. I slept 2 hours the first night and 7 hours last night. That was a treat. I think the steriod will start to wear off later today and I will probalbly be achy and nappy tomorrow. All quite manageable.

We installed our hall light last Thursday night. Marco did the wiring and that meant climbing into the attic and drilling a hole into the floor of the attic. He had drilled a hole into the basement floor, supossedly right under the other one, but these things are not so easy even with measuring twice, so he ended drilling more and I ended up in the basement looking up into a hole, trying to "catch" the metal ribbon he was sending down. It was so tiring for me. Just looking up and holding a flashlight into this little hole wore me out. I finally went to sit down in the studio while he continued drilling and trying again. While I was away it happened! The metal ribbon was hanging out when I went back in to check on it. All in all a 5 hour project for Mark...mostly trying to get that lead ribbon down the hole into the basement. Then end result is wonderful and we spend s lot of time admiring it.

Other than this piece of news I haven't much else to add. I mainly wanted to get the news out that I did indeed get the chemo and I am feeling celebratory. I think that feeling will increase as I recover from this last round. I will be smilling a lot when you see me next time.

Sharona, thanks for the note reminding me of transformation. It made me think of how much work goes into a caterpillar's transformation to a butterfly. The making of the cocoon, the gestating, finally the emergence. I think I have had several cycles of transformation during this process and I am awaiting the next emergence because I feel a little like I need to hop into bed for a rest now!

I have my CT scan on the 27th of Febuary which will give me news of the absence of tumors. My tumor marker blood test is very low so taking this into account, I feel I will be returning to life without chemotherapy very soon. That is an emergence!

More Later,
Deborah

Tuesday January 22, 2002 10:27 PM CST


Birdwings

Your grief for what you have lost lifts a mirror
up to where you are bravely working.

Expecting the worst, you look, and instead,
here's the joyful face you've been wanting to see.

Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes,
If it were always a fist or always stretched open,
you would be paralyzed.

Your deepest presence is in every small contracting
and expanding,
the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as birdwings.

Rumi


This poem by Rumi struck a chord in my heart. I was thinking that I appear to be having a routine week physically...the usual issues of my physically recovery.

But inwardly I am feeling the push of growth. I am blossoming and learning through my dreams and my waking dreams. I am awed by the healing in my heart and the Love that fills me as I am deeply present.

I feel cancer free. I just had that realization today. It is a wonderful realization and I can feel my focus changing from "recovering" to "transformation". I can think of no greater or more exciting blessing.

We went to an electric lamp store to buy a hanging lamp for our foyer. It is very dark and we never seemed to be bothered by it before but this year we have noticed that we are having trouble seeing into the closet when we hang up our coats, even in the daytime. So we were in the store and this young gentleman was putting together all the pieces for this haning light. I told Mark, won't it be wonderful to be able to see into the closet! The young man said, "We're here to bring light into your life." Cute. But as I reflect on it I realize it was a waking dream...I have had a closet that has been dark for some time now. During this healing process I have realized that I can't see into my closet like I want to and with the addition of light I will be able to more easily bring some things "out of the closet" and heal them.
Fascinating how life works, isn't it?

Otherwise I am happy to report my community support continues with late night check ins from my GF's, a wonderful dish from a friend that fed us for 3 meals, 2 shared meals with friends, my mom who calls every day to check on me and all of you who send love my way. My cup runneth over.

I have a Dr. appointment tomorrow and in case you have forgotten, my last round of chemo on Monday. I still invite the medicine to do its healing job and bring only light and love to me as God wills it.
I am so excited to sprout hair, gain strength and continue to unwrap this gift of healing.

More Later,
Deborah

Sunday, January 13, 2002 at 08:35 PM (CST)

Dear Friends,

It has been an interesting week...the usual aches and pains plus some bonus surprises.

Wednesday morning I was up at my usual 6:00AM and just sitting down with the morning paper when I heard Butch rattling around in the paper sacks that collect in the corner by the fridge. He seemed fairly persistant. So I went into the kitchen to see "What is the matter?" and a MOUSE ran from the papers towards the safety of the mirowave cart. I started screeching in a high pitch siren-like squeal. I was jumping and I ran to the living room and jumped up on the pink chair. That pink chair is old and I realized that MAYBE another mouse was hiding in the old chair so I instead moved to one of the dining room chairs...plain, simple dining chair where no mouse could be seen. That is where Mark found me, standing on a chair and squealing. "What...what...what is it?", he said. I finally got it out, "A MOUSE!" Mark admonished me for my squeals, he thought I had cut an artery or something else quite serious. Doesn't he get it, I am thinking...this is serious! Anyway he got the mouse to go back downstairs and he spoke with him telling him that he was going to set traps and that if he knew what was good for him he would leave the way he came. I was so frightened I am sure I scared him too. We haven't seen him...it was probably a pregnant her...and Butch seems too well fed to go looking. I think even if I wasn't a little emotionally stressed from chemo I still would have jumped on a chair. Our house is very old and I have never had a mouse here. It just freaks me to think that now I have to watch for evidence of mice (gross) and not be too frightened if I come upon one. Mark says he was more scared of me than I am of him. YEAH...I bet.

I had a sore throat last week too and had to go to the Dr for a strep culture. That being negative, I was told it was viral and sent home to wait it out. I felt kinda silly as I didn't think it was strep but I guess it is important to make sure. The next day I had a migraine, or if it wasn't a migraine it was a very bad headache that kept me in bed with an ice pack for the whole day

Otherwise a normal week one after chemo. Most days I was able to get a short walk in and I am feeling very good today. I think the fatigue and side effects of chemo are starting to wear on me just a little. I want to start feeling normal again, doing normal things. Even work could be okay. I have been enjoying time away from work for the most part but it has been about long enough. I suppose I will be more ready when I have to go back after March 1st.

My heart goes out to two families who lost a child this week. I feel an ache of sympathy and it is big. They are in my thought and prayers.

Well dear ones, hope you have a great week and hug one another. It is a gift to be alive.

Deborah

Monday, January 07, 2002 at 05:51 PM (CST)

Greetings,

Chemo #5 today!!! I was so jazzed that I couldn't sleep last night. I did manage, for the first time to sleep at chemo. I usually have company and feel like I should visit with them. I think I was just tuckered out. Mr Taxol and Miss Carboplatin started their mission and are undercover as newl weds. I don't notice their presence due to the decadron. I call it the "Decadron Honeymoon" and it lasts about 2 1/2 days. Then the side effects show their face. I try to remember, in my enhanced state of well being, that I actually had some pretty serious medicines today. I tend to think I can do more than I really should. Moderation is the key...just like in diet and well, just about everything I guess. I tend to think you get a better note out of me during the "Decadron Honeymoon". When I am having physical symptoms later in the week I want to just say. "Arrrgh Maties, I am looking at the plank." While it is true that life is like a dream, this first week borders on the nightmare.

Have any of you ever played Mah Jong? We played on New Years Eve at my friend Debra's house. It was such fun. I just love it when I draw an honour tile that makes 3 of a kind and I hold the tile close †o my heart and smile. Mark says I would be terrible at poker. I suppose I would. It is so great to get a really good tile like that. And do you remember that when you need just one more tile to go Mah Jong you tell everyone that you are "fishing"? Well when I need 2 more tiles I tell them I am "looking at the dock". It is a fun game and I would be willing to teach you how to play it. Name the date. We would need 3 players at least as it is just too easy with 2. So far we just do the Chinese version, no chows. I must thank my cousins for teaching me about this game. Their set was so cute, bamboo on the backsides. Mine is nice but no bamboo. It seems everytime we teach a new person the game they get thousands of points on a non winning hand. I guess that is why betting folks set limits. So far we just play for fun.

Last week was great. I felt so good on Friday. I shopped for groceries on Friday morning, ran some errands and that evening went to a Timberwolves game. What a treat. No sneezers or hackers were nearby and I was grateful for that.

Saturday I cooked 3 entres and other side dishes to freeze for our dinners this week. Then we forgot to take out anything today. That is the cooks first step. Envisioning the finished creation. Commonly that step seems like a trial..."Oh what should we have for dinner???" Or it does to me. I was thinking today how when I am paced differently (Say working .8 at Abbott), I commonly have a list in my head or written on paper. Life becomes a series of "Do the task", "Check!". I think I may even feel a little removed from staying in the present moment when life is just a checklist.

That is one beautiul thing about this Sabbatical from work and my "normal life". My frame of reference is different and much more moment to moment focused. Yeah I know, you're thinking I was a talker about being present. And I think I was most of the time. But since my pace has slowed and given me a chance to move gracefully through each moment...I think I have more work to do to "walk that talk". I have always needed a good week to slow down from my usual pace when I am on vacation. The second week is wonderful and relaxing but I think I start revving up the engine about 3 days before I have to go back to go to work. Since we can't really get a full month off I guess we must adjust our selves to what we do get. I saw a study in the paper that proposed a month holiday (paid) for American workers. It is really the minimum time to slide into a solid "vacation consciousness". The author suggested that Americans with one paid month off would likely revive the travel industry which could open jobs to fellow Americans and help our economy. Whatever...I think it is a good thought. But more importantly, I think it is an investment in our mental well-being. Sanity is ever more important in this world of uncertainity. Balance could be attainable, workers more productive when they return...I can think of so many benefits. I think I'll call my congressman. (See how I get during the Decadron Honeymoon")?

It is time for my nightly bath and flannel pajama time. It is such a comfort to wear flannel and snuggle into bed early. I use the evening for contemplation, reading and writing. Then I hope for a transition to a good sleep. The decadron agitates me a little and I have trouble sleeping. That is okay, I know it is short lived and by next week I will be making up for lost time.

Thank you for your support and love. You are all a great gift to me.

Deborah

Sunday, December 30, 2001 at 09:44 AM (CST)

Dear Friends,

I may have a touch of cabin fever. It is so cold that I almost don't want to go out there. I have been walking with layers of clothes that keep me too warm. I want to remove gloves and scarves to cool off. I end up going for my walk in the early evening. The Holiday lights are so pretty in the neighborhood. Festive.

I am tired. I think this past round has been harder than the others. I sleep 10 hours a night and then nap during the day. What a lump! So my journal entry seems much like a bear's in winter...hibernating sleep! Maseka enjoys having someone to sleep with. Cats must sleep 20 hours a day. Butch and Sheila are hunkered down on the rocking chair in a Yin/Yang circle. The rocking chair is right under a lamp that keeps them warm. We keep a light burning all the time for them. I think they appreciate it, but cats are never as demonstrative as dogs. Cats just don't seem to need their owners until it is food time. Then the talking starts.

I am getting out some. If I can get to an early afternoon movie when there are hardly any people there, I will go. I am going to a birthday party today. All short outings, but good for the heart. I even went to work for a short visit and it was great to see my co-workers. I found my energy dive after about 1 1/2 hours there so you evening folks who were coming on when I was leaving, I will try to catch you on my next visit. I have to come up to Abbott to get an Rx filled sometime next week. Who knows maybe you all will be too crazy busy to see me??? It warms my heart to see you all. You are a great group to work with.

Well think about those New Years resolutions, you might get what you ask for. I ask for health as God wills it.

Happy New Year to you all,
Deborah

Monday, December 24, 2001 at 07:17 PM (CST)

Dear Friends,

It has been awhile since my last entry. I had chemo on the 17th. The week was about what I expected symptom-wise. I was more fatigued than in previous rounds. I think that is why I just couldn't get to the computer to write. I am better now but still finding I have less energy for activity.

I set aside some projects I could do last week, busy work but something to keep the mind engaged. I think those projects are ones that I may have never found the time for, but I am glad to have something to do. I admit that one day I was watching the home shopping channel and I actually ordered a slicer. The first day I had it I sliced my thumb! It makes quick work of slicing our vegetables for roasted veggies. I always use the safety device now. I am craving roasted veggies. I guess that is better than craving chocolate or cookies. Not that I never have those!

I have gotten out some this past week. I know my blood counts are going lower each time so I am reluctant to spend much time out in large crowds. Just a precaution that has so far served me well. Lots o hand washing too!

I am hoping to get some exercise in this week as I just couldn't do daily walks last week. I have walked some with Kay and Riley. Riley is such a treasure. A peppy airedale who strains at the leash when another dog walks by...runs to the lakes edge and startles the ducks into flight...steals your glove or hat if you take it off. He is quite a character. He is so strong that I can't handle him if he starts pulling. I find I don't have the strenght I used to. I know I will get this back it is just distressing if I focus on it. All of the side effects are manageable because I know they have an end point. In May I will be able to hold Riley back when he goes for the ducks! His gentle heart brings me much joy as well as his antics and playfulness.

A friend wrote me wondering why this cancer happened to me. A good question. I have asked it too and am gleaning some answers. I believe there is a tap root that goes deep below my conscious awareness. I have asked to look into the contributing factors and with Spirit's assistance, I know I will learn how to heal the cause and grow. I am not afraid to become aware of that tap root though I think I repressed any awareness of it for years. It is daunting to uncover news about myself that was so intense that I blocked it out . I could not have asked for a better opportunity to look deeper at myself. You know the Chinese character for crisis is the same as the character for opportunity. I am not downplaying the crisis part, this is an intense time for me...but I am so grateful for the opportunity to grow.

This drama I call my life is so ripe with lessons for Soul. When I can remember to move aside and watch myself, I learn so much. The drama is a good one...I do get caught up in it sometimes. I find I do my best "acting" when I let Divine Spirit direct me. A simple shift in consciousness that brings a gracefulness that makes all things easy.

Whatever your faith, may you have a happy Holiday season and may your drama be filled with Grace.

More Later,
Deborah

Wednesday, December 12, 2001 at 07:15 PM (CST)

Greetings,

This has been a stellar week so far!

I had a follow up visit with Warren King, the homeopathic/nutritionist on Monday. He validated what I have been feeling...that I am sailing through this process and handling the chemo with ease. I know that gratitude and love for all life has helped me immensely. I received some new remedies, nutritional support and feel that more information about the emotional seed of all this, that seed I buried for soo long, will be forthcoming. Thank you Warren for your support.

I updated the photo album. I ran across the first picture of my sister Tammi and I making Christmas cookies. My mom would bake sugar cookies, cut them out into shapes of Santa, a camel, a bell, a Christmas tree, then would make us several bowls of coloured icing. Decorating them was great fun. Check out our feet! Tammi is resting her foot on mine, so cute.

Then next picture is the Aladdin Lamp that my friends gave me. Maseka likes to sit near it and keep warm. My heart is warmed by the love I feel everytime I look at it. Ain't Love Grand! It is only limited by our definition of it. I feel I am floating in an ocean of Love and Mercy and that is very healing.

The last picture is the glorious pansies! Can you believe that they are still hanging in and it is Dec 12th. Some days they are a little droopy and before you know it they are standing tall...that one last gasp of seasonal life. Sometimes I imagine that they pop up when I am coming in the house just to cheer me.

I went to see" Life as a House" this week. If I go in the afternoon there is hardly anyone there...a relatively germ free proposition. Anyway, I didn't know it was about a man who had cancer. I knew Kevin Kline was in it and I like him very much. Anyway it was very touching. I very much related to what he said in the end, comparing himself to a house. Now you must see the movie to see how he describes that. My mind can't always be clear these days. Dr Carson says that is an effect of the chemo and it will get better when I am done.

Speaking of done...my fourth treatment is next Monday, the 17th. I want you to visualize me laughing, singing and dancing. I probably will be doing that in some form even if it is inwardly. I wish I could walk around the hospital to the area where I work so I could see everyone. But alas they won't let me...something about having a reaction to the chemo that unsettles them. But if I could I would be visiting all of you, my friends. My infusion of the 2 agents lasts 6-7 hours so I try to pass the time in a fun way. Visitors are definitely welcome.

Thanks for your notes in the guestbook, e-mails, cards and visits. It is such an upliftment.

More Later,
Deborah

Saturday, December 08, 2001 at 06:41 AM (CST)

Greetings all,

I have been up since 4:30AM. I tried to go back to my dream yet something kept me on the edge of wakefulness. I let my mind cogitate for awhile, chewing on some questions that have come to my attention.

The Sufi's say "The answer lies in the question" and further, "ask it carefully". That thought came to me and I asked what my "careful question" would be. Without a doubt today it would be "May I be of service?"

Questions have served me well on my quest to God. "Who am I" is always a nice starting point, and I continue to learn more about who I am everyday...I am changing everyday, by choice so there is always something to attend to as far as knowing myself.

I ask that through my beingness I may be a vessel through which Divine Love flows. I do not ask to direct God's love, just to serve as a clear vessel.

God's Love is awesome. We exist because of God's love for us! I think sometimes that the flow of Divine Love would always be an upliftment. Yet the illusion is quite different sometimes as the hand of the Divine seems to wreak havoc in lives. Perhaps Divine Intervention is "thinking outside the box" of what we humans understand.

I want to thank all of you who have communed with God, asking that God's will be done for me. A community of Spiritual support is a great comfort and blessing for me during this time of physical challenge.

I saw a vision of myself, just before I awoke...a beautiful rare flower just starting to bloom. That is the new improved me folks...just unfolding. I ask that the beauty of the full bloom be of service to God and if God wills it...to you.

May The Blessings Be,
Deborah

Wednesday, December 05, 2001 at 06:16 PM (CST)

Dear Friends,

What a day...63 degrees here...it was grand. By the time I took my walk this evening the cold front had moved in and the wind was brisk. I have had the good fortune to feel like walking every day this week. Even though it has been warm it has not been sunny. I hope we see that soon.
I got an amaryllis bulb that I have started in water. It grows right before my eyes. I am so excited to see the bloom. Ah the simple pleasures. The pansies in the window box live on. It hardly seems like Minnesota in December.
We haven't been able to retrieve our e-mail lately, so if you have written I will get back to you when I am able to receive the mail. It is strange, I feel cut off.
we have been enjoying the soups that you all have sent to us. I froze many of them in hopes of using them later. What a treat to have something premade. I totally did not cook last week...I didn't do much of anything. It was a difficult week physically. But alas it is better now and I feel less challenged.
Look for new pictures later this week. I have to get some developed.
Thank you for your notes in the guestbook, it lifts my heart!
More Later,
Deborah

Wednesday, November 28, 2001 at 03:55 PM (CST)

Hello All,

I am having a fantastic day all things considered. I had a great walk. For those of you not living here, we had our first snowfall and it is magical. I love snow. I walked along Lake Harriet and was impressed by the contrast of the stillness that snow brings to the landscape and the moving water in the lake. The coots were dipping and swimming. The sky an off white and the trees covered with snow. Just like an animation. Do you think I am given to awe and wonder? I am! It was drizzling when I first took off and that changed to flurries. A fine day.

I have to tell you about the gift my friends brought to me this week. It is so cool! It is an antique lamp called an "Alladin" It has a round base with flowers and the base lights up as well as the bulb under the lampshade. It fits perfectly with my house. This lamp was given to me "with the hope and wish that everytime you turn the light on the rays of light give off the brightness of our friendship, love, and hope." What a gift you all are! Thank you so much for this beautiful gift. I have had it on practically the whole time I have had it! I will try to see if Marco can get a picture of it for the photo album.

Speaking of pictures, Mark is busy taking them again. He says they are reference pictures but me thinks he just likes to take pictures of snow, running creeks and trees. I had him take a few that I wanted so eventually you may see them on the site. And Lori...I did get a picture of the pansies with the snow. Mark felt so sorry for them that he dug his favourite one up and now it is wedged in with the other plants!

I am feeling just so so physically, but my Spirit soars with gratitude for each moment.

More Later,
Deborah

Saturday, November 24, 2001 at 06:16 PM (CST)

Dear Friends,
It has been a great holiday weekend. Today we went to a movie and had dinner out. It was rainy today and we needed that, It has been a warm November. I still have pansies in my flower boxes. I knew they were cold tolerant, but we have had freezes at night. I wonder if they will hang on long enough to see the first snow. Would make a great picture.
I wanted to put some new pictures on the site. One is my new hat...it is velvet and so soft on my head. Some of the hats and the wig make my head itch.
One picture is a flower arrangement from my cousin and his family. I thought it especially stunning.
The last picture is my chiropractor Sharon who has been adjusting me through this process. She is the best and a good friend too.
I have chemo next Monday. So the process starts all over again. I will let you kniow how I do.

More Later,
Deborah

Monday, November 19, 2001 at 08:53 PM (CST)

Happy Thanksgiving to You!

I am not going to get all mushy about Thanksgiving being my favourite holiday and gratitude and all that, okay maybe a little...I am mushy when Thanksgiving comes along. So many blessings to be thankful for, and not just this year but I feel that way every year. I am grateful for all of you and the privilege of knowing so many wonderful Souls. That you would gather around me during my time of need and Be Love is just AWESOME!

I am physically better this week. This is the third week after chemo and the "back to feeling like my normal self week". I do have to rest every once and awhile still yet, but it is good to feel good. Hey I had a myo-fascial release session today. she worked on my pelvic area and legs. Those stretches are amazing. I am going to commit to loosening up and letting go!

I closed my porch haven this weekend. The plants were starting to complain just a little, the plumeria calling to me, "Hey we are tropical plants, remember!". You know I have aquired many new plants to tend to and it is a jungle in here. I put most of them on the bay window and so far the cats have not started their yearly chew fest...but it will come I am sure.

I am enjoying being a homebody. I do get out, yet could just hang here all day and feel rich. I have been doing some of my projects. I found some cool recipes and have tried 2 already. I have all of my accounting for Mark's business done. I have some files to re-organize and a new file cabinet to put them in. I have dreams and daydreams. I spend time with friends whose lives are changing...new houses, new relationships with themselves. Very exciting times.

Well for now I will sign off. May your Holiday be all that you want it to be!

Deborah

Wednesday, November 14, 2001 at 06:12 PM (CST)

Hello My Friends,

I just wanted to let you know that there are new pictures in the photo album.

I am feeling good! I had lunch with Amy S today and took a walk. Have been doing some projects, those recipes you know. All in all a good day, my best since last Monday. I am hoping it will get better each day or at least stay as nice as today.

Aren't we lucky to have such warm weather? It has been a great blessing. I did see that is may become more winterlike next week. I am still enjoying the porch and watching the squirrels digging in the flower boxes.

Thanks again for the notes, calls and visits. It keeps me involved with the outside world a bit. I feel like a hermit sometimes, if I could grow hair, I am sure I would grow a beard.

More Later,
Deborah

Saturday, November 10, 2001 at 09:05 PM (CST)

Dear Friends.

It is Saturday and was a beautiful day in MN. I felt I was coming down with Mark's cold today, so I rested a bit more than usual, took extra C, zinc lozenges. garlic and lots of fluids. I feel much better this evening and hope for an abbreviated version of this cold.

I got out today for my walk and raked some leaves. I walked everyday this week except Thursday which was the worst day as far as bone aching. I am thinking that if the side effects do not get worse than this I will be "sailin' along with a song". I get a great anti-nausea medicine that I give thanks for everytime I take it!! Hot rice socks and hot baths help with the aches and all that is left to do is keep my eye on the goal, the end of chemo. At least there is an end, if the medicine works as it is supposed to. I think I can do anything if it is limited. Chronic "whatever" would be harder.

Mark had an art fair this week for 4 days. I have been alone most all day since Wednesday. Tomorrow he will be finished, late evening. I look forward to his loving attention.

If this sounds like there is not much to say, I guess that would be the sum of it. I know next week will be better symptom-wise so I look forward to a better note for you then,

As Always,
Deborah

Monday, November 05, 2001 at 07:26 PM (CST)

Chemo Day #2

I wanted to update everyone on my day. It went very well at the hospital. I am home now and have an unsettled stomach and I am tired, Mark has been vigilant with odor control as we now know a few things (like the dishwashing liquid we were using) that bother my extra sensitive nose and stomach.

I felt like an old pro as they gave me one of the big rooms right by the bathroom!! The first visit they tend to put patients right by the nurses station in case of any untoward reaction. The nurses station is a good walk from the bathroom, of which there is only one. So I definitely scored on the bathroom deal.

My friend Debra took me to chemo and stayed with me through most of my day (6.75 hours). I had great visits with Peggy, Kay, Laurie and Dr Calvin. I took my boom box and we listened to some good music and even Argentine Tangos which always make me feel passionately alive and usually longing to dance. Mark and I know how to do the American Tango. It is a very passionate and expressive dance. You need some attitude to pull it off. Double that and you have the Argentine Tango! Deb and I found ourselves singing at times and that was fun.

Debbie H, we listened to Jonathan Edwards CD with Sunshine and other songs that you and I used to sing and switch harmony parts in the middle of the song. It was like we could move fluid through the changes and knew instinctively where we would jump from melody to harmony. And the other one was right there with it! Do you remember? We always sang so well together. I wonder if you still sing? If you don't use it you lose it. I don't do it as often as I would like to. (So maybe I am losing it???). Peggy was telling me that The Sound Of Music will be perforned in her town by the High School. I always loved "Climb Every Mountain" in the movie version. It never fails to inspire me and I just like that nun's voice (Oh yeah and did I mention I cry during that song, just a little bit?). I did a short imitation of it for Peggy and Debra. I practice that one sometimes just because I like it, but certianly doesn't mean I "Climb the Mountain" as far performing the song. It is fun to stretch ones consciousness and act as if one can be a singer, when one is not. Maybe I should practice more. I can add that to my list of projects for fun while I am off. Painting, singing, re-learning Spanish, organizing my recipes and continuing my journalling to you and my diary are all on the list. Whoa, you should read my personal journal some days...or...maybe not!

Back to singing though, recently a song came to my head, just a smigden of it...it seemed like a Disney soundtrack song. So I was at the temple and have several friends with children and several musician friends. I was singing it, what parts of it I could remember to a few people to discover if anyone else remembered this song. One of my friends, John, exclaimed, "I didn't know you could sing". I thought that was a nice complement for a "lapsed singer" like myself!!

Well I had no idea I would go off on all of that...but it was a fun little ride, wasn't it?
I am feeling the need to get vertical so must end this, but not without a word from the "Gratitude Sponsors"...This expression of gratitude was brought to you by Deborama...Thank you to all, you are a beautiful dream when I am on a deserted island showing me what Love is.

Definitely More Later,
Deborah

Tuesday, October 30, 2001 at 05:43 PM (CST)

Hello All,

I had my head shaved today. The scalp was very sensitive and when my hair was touched it felt like needles poking into my head. Donna gave me kleenixes and turned me away from the mirror. I was excited to see what I would look like, but I guess some people cry. So now I must update the phooto album with a picture or 2. It will be a few days as we have about 10 pictures to snap and the pretty leaves are gone so Mark isn't burning up as much film.

I must tell you about my fun day on Saturday. Some of my friends came over and brought food, good cheer and hats. I have a wonderful selection of head coverings now and I am delighted. It was so good to see everyone and my friend Sharona brought a whole bag of hats. We all tried one on and the resulting picture should be on the site in a week or so. What a gift friendship is!

Other news...I am fatigued and still napping on occasion but resting during the day as a rule. I see Dr Carson tomorrow and have my next chemo on Nov 5th. All seems to be going well and I am happy and mostly feel healthy.

A note about the guest book. Please remember it is very public and can be read by anyone. Wild, crazy, personal and confidential comments can be sent to my e-mail for privacy : ) But please keep writing. I enjoy hearing from you all.

In Friendship and Love,
Deborah

Tuesday, October 23, 2001 at 09:05 AM (CDT)

Good Morning,
I am feeling good. I am fatigued at times and have to bolt to the bedroom for a rest on occasion. I am sleeping fairly well despite awakening 5-6 times for a brief hot flash. I can even go back to the same dream which means I am not waking up entirely but am aware of my what I was doing in the dream world. I have always been a stong sleeper, so that serves me well.

One of the things that I have been enjoying is my front porch. I have a cute 3 season porch that is South facing. All my plants are there and a table and some comfy chairs. I always used to think that it would be nice to sit out there but I never did. I guess I was too busy to just sit. Now I am out there every day, watching the squirrels bury treasure in the flower box outside my window. I read and relax there. It is so dreamy! I read in the paper that it may come to an abrupt end with the arrival of 20S for overnight lows. I only hope it is a short burst of cold and that I can maintain my dream for another few weeks. Moving inside is big. All the plants have to be transfered to the house and the french door to the porch is closed. I have many more plants now and we will be crowded. The cats, for some reason feel it is their duty to eat the plants. The plants live with their battle scars over the winter and grow anew in the summer.

As for my battle...the chemo is working at the cellular level this week. A secret mission to attack cell division. Outwardly I look normal, inside me I sense the onslaught. My head itches...I wonder if that heralds the loss of hair. I know my blood counts will be going down and I must watch not to expose myself to infections or Maseka's scratches. She tends to scratch at times when she is in a mood. Gary H calls her "the Slasher". I have talked to her about the scratching thing but "old patterns are hard to break", she says. Still she is my closest friend at home, staying with me 90% of the time.

Did I tell you I had a haircut? My friend Debra cut it short. It is cute. I have been told that it hurts less when it starts coming out if it is short. I have a cute "cranial prosthesis", (wig), on standby, very different from my own hair. I guess that is the fun of wigs. Pictures will follow as soon as I finish the roll in the camera.

It is time to brave the morning oatmeal. I am trying to adjust to eating more grains, beans and greens. I have to admit that I can eat about 1/2 to 3/4 cup then I gag. I think it would have been difficult to change my diet to a macrobiotic diet when I was healthy. And I have a strong will to apply to change in my life...it just seems that my body is not cooperating right now. I plan to keep trying and experimenting with recipes when I feel like cooking. Any favourite macrobiotic recipes out there??? Please feel free to e-mail them to me. I know if I stick to it I will find something that works.

More Later,
Deborah

Thursday, October 18, 2001 at 02:11 PM (CDT)

Dear Friends,

What a week! The chemo is certianly strong medicine and not pleasant. I have had some of the side effects, the worst being bone and joint aching. I am a fatigued and force myself to spend time up doing things, taking short walks, dishes, laundry...things to keep myself occupied. A part of me would just like Ýo sleep all day. This, I understand is very normal.

My mind has been mushy too. It is hard to imagine a healing from such a strong force that doesn't discriminate as far as what cells it halts the division of. Yesterday I thought, "What have I done to my body?".

Rest assured that I bask in the Light and Sound of God and know that I am being cared for even to the smallest detail. Just as long as I keep my attention on that and not let the mind drive the vehicle, I am at peace.

Thanks again for your continued care and support. You are all wonderful.

More Later,
Deborah

Monday, October 15, 2001 at 04:01 PM (CDT)

Today I was introduced to 2 "special agents" of chemotherapy. Their mission: Search and cancel errant misbehavers. Mr. Taxol has a brusque manner and carries a suitcase full of tools of the trade. He uses different tools for different people. Sometimes things get a little rough and side effects develop. He is so well known for side effects that before meeting him you must have anti-side effect medicines. It makes his arrival more pleasant, though he is one of those people who can leave a bad taste in your mouth.

Ms. Carboplatin is a pussycat in comparison. She does her job quietly and effectively but can lean a little too much on your kidneys.
All in all it was a good meeting and I invited them in to heal and bring light and life in. I will keep you updated as days go by.

Thank you for visiting me during chemo (7 1/2 hrs.), the chiropractic adjustments, food, merry maids... My cup runneth over.

More later,
Deborah

Monday, October 08, 2001 at 06:22 PM (CDT)

Hello to all,
Thanks for the notes in the guestbook. It is so fun to read them and touches my heart.
Today I had an IV access implanted for the chemo. It was done in surgery under local and was a breeze. It is a little achy and there is a little incision to heal. My good friend Scottie administered the anesthesia. It is so comforting to have people you know caring for you.
I spent a little time cutting some flowers in the garden today. It was nice to be outside. Maseka, my cat went out with us and while we were standing by one of the boxes a little bunny ran out of the daylillies heading to the front yard. Mark, Maseka and I all jumped and laughed. I think Maseka was most frightened by this! It was fun.
I am grateful to be feeling more energy today. I look forward to the chemo and invite it in, with love, to do its healing job. I imagine it will bring some challenges and testy moments and if it doesn't, that will be fine too.
Check out the photo album. I have a new picture to show you. It is some of the many flowers that brightened my days after surgery!
More Later,
Deborah

Wednesday, October 03, 2001 at 11:45 PM (CDT)

Hello My friends,
I have been busy the past 2 days. I saw the nutritionist/homeopath on Tuesday. Lots of insights, nutritional advice and remedies. It will keep me busy working the vibrational aspect of this lesson and learning to eat differently. I feel good about the support this will provide me during the chemo.
Speaking of chemo, I saw my gyn -oncologist today and we have scheduled the first chemo at Abbott on October 15th, if they can get me in that day. My visit went well. We have a little more healing to do with the wound and Mark is now my wound care nurse. He is really good. And it helps that he is so cute!
I enjoyed getting out a bit but I think about 1 hour is the limit for me. I get so tired that I just want to be carried around! Lots of naps. I am enjoying theraputic rest, watching movies, reading, contemplating and reflecting on what a precious gift life is.
My dear, dear ones...your support provides me a shoulder to rest upon and I surrender to the love you bring. We have enjoyed the food and look forward to the "merry maids" visit. You all know how I like order in my life, so having the house spiffed up really makes my day!
I am grateful for your continued support.
More Later,
Deborah

Friday, September 28, 2001 at 01:51 PM (CDT)

Hello,
Today is beautiful...sunny and bright. It is the first day I have felt like taking a walk outside. I had a infection in my incision which set me back a little. And I have felt emotional lately. Not a surprising reaction to all of this. I want to be doing my normal things. I really have to focus on day to day as looking ahead really can be scary.
My friends have been great. They are feeding us, cleaning when it becomes unbearable to me and Mark has to work, running errrands and loving us. A part of me fights asking for help, that is just my normal healthy independent nature.
I have my appointment with my GYN-Oncologist Wednesday of next week. I know chemo will start soon thereafter, just not sure when. I will have chemo every 3 weeks for at least 6 rounds, That will bring me to mid winter. Lots of close follow-up in the years to come. I am grateful for it all, even the scary parts.
Thank you for all your notes and a special thanks to the El Dorado friends who are sending cards and wishes. It is appreciated and makes me smile.
More Later,
Deborah

Wednesday, September 26, 2001 at 11:06 PM (CDT)

Hello everyone,

I feel like Dorothy of "post abdominal surgery land". Fevers and gas pains and hot flashes...OH MY! It hasn't been so comfortable but I must say that all is rolling along.

I wanted to let everyone know about the wonderful care I received at Abbott Northwestern Hospital in Minneapolis. I had my surgery there and I felt totally cared for, safe and that there was no other place to be. Thank you to station 31 nurses, nursing assistants who were superb. Knowledgable, caring professionals.

I have to thank all my friends at Abbott too because that is where I work. The love I felt from so many was healing and reminded me of what good friends you all are. I was pretty tight about visitors because I was in pain and not my usual self. Hey...the food you guys are sending me is so good. The flowers so beautiful. Special thanks to the "gal Fridays" who are running errands, making juices, doing dishes and many other things.

Finally a special thanks to my physcians. Dr. Penny Wheeler, you are so kind and true. Thanks for seeing me on your days off, crying and laughing with me, being so smart and a bright and shining jewel.

Dr Charlie Petersen, Thank you for listening to my vague clues, ordering the tests that found this cancer before it spread. Your perserverence and belief that something was wrong reinforced my inner feeling and I felt so supported.

Dr Linda Carson, you are a jewel too. Thank you for coming to attend to my surgery and for being someone I will enjoy working with for the next several years.

I know this is long and there are others I could list. Everyone who came by to check on me...thank you.

Now I am all teary, in a good way, so I will close for now. Sign me

A Lucky Gal

Monday, September 24, 2001 at 05:52 PM (CDT)

Greetings!
Dear Friends and Loved Ones:
I arrived home from the hospital today (Sept. 24) and am feeling just great. As many of you know, I was recently diagnosed with ovarian cancer. My surgery (on Thursday, Sept. 20) went very well.
The cancer has been determined to be a Stage 2, which is a very treatable form. I will begin chemotherapy within 2 weeks.
I am recovering rapidly from major surgery. I am learning the benefit of balancing rest with activity.
Emotionally, I am feeling very upbeat and positive. My doctors tell me such an early detection is unusual (and lucky) with this disease, and my survival prospects are very high.
I am a big believer in life as a journey, not a destination. I'm grateful for all of my steps along this path. My goal is to focus on each day, and whatever it may bring.
I hope to update this site from time to time, so that you may join with me in celebration of my journey.
My cup runneth over. your love, support and prayers have been a true gift in this time of need. I know that this love has helped me to heal and to feel whole. The gratitude that I feel has opened my heart to more of God's love and changed my consciousness. It's been a miracle.
Thank you, all of you.
More later,
Deborah

Monday, September 24, 2001 at 05:37 PM (CDT)

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