It has been 1,339 days since I last kissed your beautiful face. My heart has felt the void in each and every one of those days. I think about the last hours when you opened your eyes, and emerged from your coma long enough to say “I love you Mommy.” That is truly priceless and something I carry with me and treasure for all of my days.
I think about the first days, when I finally after 38 hours of labor, I held you close and drank you in. The smell of you, the feel of you, the beauty of you…and throughout your 4,362 on this earth, that never wavered, never changed nor did my feelings. Well, perhaps they grew stronger, but I am not sure of that. I was and am madly in love with you from the time I knew you were growing inside of me.
I think about you and truly, honestly know that you are the bravest person I know. Throughout four brain surgeries, daily injections, a dozen or so other surgeries and the daily struggles to do what most of us find relatively easy-- what stands out is your attitude. Gosh girl, if mommy had to do…I doubt I could do it as well as you did.
I know if I were you and you were me, you certainly would have handled this journey of grief so much differently than I. I miss you my little cheerleader, keeper of the positive energy and sunshine of the earth. I looked at you bracelet that hangs on a hook just the other day. You made it with beads that have words on them. I read it again. It says “The Power Is Free.”
And now….so are you.
Dare I say that I am not? It sounds so selfish to speak of myself following those words about you, your journey and your loss here on earth. It really is all about you.
I know that you would be proud of how far I have come. I know if you are or were able to see me in that first year or two, your heart would have broken for the pain I was in. Yet, I also know you would be understanding.
I can’t help but to go back to four years ago, and relive that last summer we had together. How in the heck were we ever to know it would be our last summer together?? You, Noah, Me and Cocoa…the classroom guinea pig you were so excited to care for over the summer break. Swimming at the swim club, riding your three wheeler, playing with Brittany, Dominique and Chandler….I am sure they miss you at the Dairy Queen. All those ladies who immediately knew when they saw you what you’d want….Cookie Dough Blizzard with chocolate ice cream please you would say, but they’d already be making it.
Lately, I keep playing over and over in my head the unanswerable question of “were you scared?” Not only at the time of flight out of this world, but in the weeks before. Did it terrify you as your body began to shut down on you? When suddenly your legs would not support you, did you really trudge along as it appears to all of us that knew you, or did it fill with you anger, and disappointment and struggle? When your hearing began to go…did you wonder what in the hell is happening, or did you approach it with your typical trusting self, knowing that Mommy was right there with you and as long as I was, it was all going to be okay? That’s all that you ever asked of me, that I be right there with you.
Now though, I can’t. And I hate that part. I miss you so much. Every morning, I wish you a spoken “Good Morning Olivia,” and every night I whisper “Good Night Olivia.”
From the Ground up to God, you are my daughter, my best girl forever and ever…nothing can change that, not time nor space. I just wish you were here my best girl…I love you dearly sweetheart. Thank you for visiting me in my dream the other night. It meant a lot to me, seeing as how it is only the second time I am aware of it happening. Come back anytime sweetheart…mommy is here……
