In November 2003 Michael wrote:

Sanja and I are in Seattle for the ultimate in cancer treatment: high dose chemo followed by auto stem cell transplant rescue and experimental immunotherapy. We will try to keep our experiences up-to-date for our family & friends and for others who might be interested.

Journal

Thursday, August 26, 2004 6:20 AM CDT

It has been 6 months since Michael died, six months from that other Thursday when his soul/essence/energy continued on it's eternal journey. In the aftermath of his death and after transitioning through darkness of self-pity, anger, bitterness,and incapacitating fear of unwanted change, I seem to have arrived to a rather peaceful place in my own earthly existence. Here, I can see the light again and I am aware of the permanence of Michael's presence surrounding me in our home. His love, warmth, wit and beauty are with me whenever I need them. I feel Michael when I see or feel something beautiful or exciting, or both, such as an energizing infusion of nature's beauty , such as finding Olivia's love note to me (I heart U San), such as seeing "Fahrenheit 9/11", such as a phone conversation with a friendly soul.... All in all, I am well. Thank you all who stood by me when I wasn't.
Olivia, Michael's child, is thriving physically, intellectually and spiritually, and is being a wonderful friend to me. She is starting high school this coming Monday. Phoebe the dog, due to her "hound brain" limitations , still waits for daddy to come home. However, her opportunistic nature allows her to take over and enjoy his place in bed. Clara the cat, bless her old heart, went to join Michael on May 9.
I have been distributing donations, a generous sum, collected by Fanizza family in Chicago, to Michael's favorite causes and organizations. I hope that nobody will judge unfavorably mine and his unortodox choices such as Humane Society, Caringbridge site, Kerry-Edwards campaign, "Adopt-a-Hound", PIRGIM (environmental causes), to name a few. Personally, I decided to join the national registry of bone marrow and stem cell donors, and will hopefully serve as an incubator for billions of healthy stem-cells in the years to come. I still believe in the procedure of stem cell transplantation after high dose chemotherapy , despite the fact that it killed Michael. I believe in it, not so much for the potential to cure cancer, but for the guarantee to bring joyful hope (and an abundance of it) and with it a happiness, to cancer patients and those who love them. Absence of hope is a horrible thing, much worse than death. Death is natural, absence of hope is unnatural, brutal experience that nobody should be coerced into.

Peace and love to all of you.
Sincerely, Sanja

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E-mail Author: fanizza@comcast.net

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