Wednesday, March 3, 2004 1:33 PM CST

Gosh, it's been such a long time since I have even visited this site, that I thought today to be appropriate!

Things here a still going. How Dennis hangs on amazes me. We have had siezures, time in the hospital, torn rectums, you name it, we've expreienced it.

Last night might have been one on the saddest moments of my life. My favorite went in to the bathroom to shave, however managed to rub toothpaste all over his face instead of shacving cream. It hurt me to the core.

That is what our days consist of now. Simple little obsticles are hard for Den to achieve these days.

As much as I have always loved the winter time....this year it has seemed to last longer than what I can bear.

Thursday, January 15, 2004 4:30 AM CST

What a wild month. We had a small house fire which netted over $10,000 worth of damage...however we are now back amongst the living. We have been displaced for so long that I forgot what it was like not to have to live out of boxes. On top of it, the Sunday before Christmas Dennis had a grand mal seizure and we spent 2 days in the hospital. Luckily we were home by Christmas. New Year's came and went with us barely noticing it.

Just wanted to give a quick update to let any one know who has kept up with this journal that things with Dennis haven't improved, nor do I believe they have gotten any worse.

Monday, December 15, 2003 2:28 PM CST

Mary Clare, thank you for caring, you're right, I haven't updated in a while.

As if things couldn't be worse. I had a small house fire over the weekend, plus had a friend wit 2 small children call and tell me she was on drugs...sigh...what am I going to do. I have to take care of my favorite Dennis, plus the demands of every day life are still here...Oh, yeah, and I lost my job......

Sunday, November 2, 2003 6:55 AM CST

Although living with a brian tumor patient can be very trying at times, there are those moments when you have to find a bit of humor. As Dennis was preparing to shower on Friday, he asked if I would "clamp his toe meat" for him. I try not to laugh at the things he says, as I realize he can't find the right words to express himself...clamping his toe meat just left me hysterical! I knew he was asking if I would trim his toenails, but it was priceless.

He is sleeping more of his days...and nights, however I as actually able to go to a Halloween Party on Friday night and not have to worry about Dennis as he was in the care of my Uncle. It was so very nice to have a night to myself and enjoy something besides brain tumor talk!

Monday, October 27, 2003 5:44 AM CST

Last week was "bittersweet" at best. As I had made the decision to take FMLA from work, I had no idea what would possibly be in store for me.

The FMLA, was of course, granted, however I have been enlightened to the fact that the company is phasing out my position...possibly by the end of the year.

My options were limited. I either take the FMLA, and come back to work, however not in the same position that I am currently in at the end of my leave, which ends the first week of December, or come back to work, but with a normal schedule and risk losing my job by the end of the year, or take FMLA and resign when the leave expires.

I feel like my hands are tied. The company has been more than fair to me, however the job was something that defined me other than caregiver.

Will Dennis still be here the first week of December? I don't know. If he is, what will his condition be? I don't know. Can I possibly go back to work 8-5? Realistically, no. I was having a hard enough time getting help in here while I was working 5 to 11:30.

As much as I don't want to resign, unless our situation improves immensely, I guess I won't have much of a choice.

I realize that this time with Dennis is precious, and that I can always find another job, but losing it is not something that I had expected.

Sigh....can things get any worse? God, I hope not...

Tuesday, October 21, 2003 7:16 AM CDT

As I spoke with my boss on Friday about the crossroads that I have come too, he gently told me that he was surprised that I hadn't inquired sooner about staying home with Dennis and working out of the house. My heart jumped with joy as I felt that my delima had been solved.

I presumed that the company would be coming out on either Monday or today to set up computer equipment so I could work from the house, however I don't think it is going to happen.

I got a call yesterday requesting a meeting this morning at 8:30 a.m., so I guess I will find out my fate then. I truly hope there is some solution as leaving Dennis, just no longer is an option for me.

He spelt 16 hours straight yesterday, however received a phone call from a friend early yesterday evening and inquired as to if he would feel up to going to a local pub to watch the Monday Nite Football game...yep, he was up to it. It's amazing. He said he felt terrible, but I think when he has the opportunity to go out, that he makes himself do it.

He was home early and in bed in no time...and is still soundly sleeping. I wonder if it will again be a marathon sleep today? Each day brings something different.

I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed that my company has a viable solution for me. The thought of leaving him in someone elses care just doesn't seem right.

Friday, October 17, 2003 5:33 AM CDT

As I sit here this morning, struggling to find the right words, the right feelings to express myself...the grief that I am feeling has become almost overwhelming.

I have found myself at a CrossRoads in my life. Our hospice nurse came out to see Dennis last night. At the same time a friend of Den's dropped in to see him. Carolyn, our nurse asked if Monty could take Dennis out for a bit as she needed to speak with me privately.

Monty and Dennis left and that is when the discussion between caregiver and nurse began.

Carolyn told me that Dennis had been the topic of discussion at their weekly staff meeting.

She told me that the medical director of hospice told her that she should talk to me and have me start "dress rehersing" for the time that I walk in the room and find that Dennis is no longer breathing....WHAT? I thought that there would noticable changes...signs that death was near. Unfortunately, there are many people who simply go to sleep and just stop breathing...maybe they had enjoyed dinner with friends prior to going to sleep for the last time, maybe they had just been out enjoying a walk in the park before going to sleep for the last time.

Now what...what do I do? The thought of leaving him there while I am at work has become unbarable. Maybe it's time for me to stay home with him...until the end...

Thursday, October 16, 2003 5:53 AM CDT

More sleep...it seems that this is becoming the norm. How does one really know if the end stages are near? I read, research, I listen, however everything that has been described as end stages meet Dennis perfectly, yet he still goes on.

He called me at work yesterday because he was feeling really bad and wanted me to come home and give him some medicine...the sitter that is there with him just can't seem to give him his medication...yes more stress for me...I did just that, gave him some more pain relivers and off to sleep he went.

I contacted the our hospice and inquired as to what else we could do as the pain just never seems under control.

Decadron...that is what they told me...to increase the Decadron. I have reservations about this. It causes onset diabetes, which the doctors don't seem concerned about, and we have gone from 2mg a day to 16mg a day in less than 3 weeks and I haven't seen any improvement.

What is the right choice? Do I increase and then monitor blood sugar, give insulin or do I just keep him on the amount that he is on now?

I hate having to make these decisions. If I knew it would truly give him a better quality of life, then the answer would be simple, however I do not see any improvements with the higher dose he is on now....sigh...this disease truly hurts me to the core....

Wednesday, October 15, 2003 5:56 AM CDT

Another incredibly ugly weekend. Dennis' best friends father, Ed Wilson passed away on Friday. This hurt Dennis tremendously.

He even talked to me about his own demise on Friday. It's really the first time he has talked about death. It was hard, but a conversation that needed to take place.

He slept the entire day yesterday and was still sleeping when I left for work this morning. Very unusual for Dennis. Oh, but he did get up for about 15 minutes yesterday because he wanted to run the vacuum cleaner...go figure!

He truly is a trooper!

Thursday, October 9, 2003 5:52 AM CDT

I have found that I have been unable to participate with the brain tumor support group that I have been a part of for the past 2 1/2 years, that I am unwilling to talk about brain tumors, not updating Dennis' web page...just not dealing with this ugly time.

I feel that Dennis' may be transitioning towards his new life...a life that will leave me behind...searching, wondering, hurting, crying...living without him.

There are days that I feel I am ready, as I don't think that I have the strength to continue on this fight...then I look over at his childlike face and think of how selfish I am being...my life will continue...his will not.

Everyone tells me that God doesn't give us more than we can handle...well, I don't know that I agree. I don't want to handle this any longer.

I want to live a "normal" life. I want to go out to dinner with my husband, I want to be held by my husband, I want to be intimate with my husband...but that will not happen. Yes, I can still hold him, but it's like holding onto a 3 year old. I want the support of the man I married. I want, I want, I want...

We had such a terrible day yesterday. As I was getting up for work, I found Dennis crying. I knelt beside him and asked what was wrong...in this tiny voice he asked if I would stay home with him...he was scared...he was hurting...

I stayed. I laid in bed with him all afternoon and just held him, slept with him, watched him in amazement. He is such a strong, beautiful man...and for that I am fortunate.

I feel so alone at times, yet we have such a wonderful group of friends and family...however their lives continue while I feel that ours if forever left behind...and this new life that we are leading is bringing us closer to the day that my husband will go on to live in the heavens above....

Wednesday, October 1, 2003 7:04 AM CDT

Hospice, along with my own thoughts, believe that the tumor is "active". Dennis has been sleeping a lot lately. He just can't seem to hold his eyes open.

He is an amazing man...His strength is incredible.

Every time I think the end could be near, he bounces back. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, that he again, can bounce back....

Monday, September 22, 2003 5:54 AM CDT

Another trip to the hospital last week.

On Thursday, as I was finishing up dinner, I had set Dennis' meds out, which one that I had set out was a liquid in a small cup, and told him to take them. He asked should I drink this, and without looking, I said yes.

As I sat dinner on the table, I had realized that I hadn't given Dennis his Ativan, which is another liquid, however dispensed by a dropper. I got up to get the Ativan and noticed that it was empty. I panicked and asked if he had drank it? Which he replied, you told me too.

Oh my God...I felt awful, but kept some composure and contacted hospice which they told me to contact 911 immediately as Dennis could go into respitory (sp) distress.

The ambulance arrived and whisked him off to Methodist. My brother and I followed, however on our arrival, they would not let me back in the room. The reason is still unclear. They finally let me in with him, which he was already out...sound asleep. Around 11:30 that evening they finally got him transferred up to the hospice unit to where he stayed until he was released.

He is back home and doing fine. He slept all night Thursday, all day Friday and Saturday. Just an awful scare and on top of it all, the hospital has lost his jewelry (2 necklaces) and all of his clothes...so now I am on the hunt to track this down.

Monday, September 15, 2003 5:46 AM CDT

Another scare with Den. Last week his health gradually went down hill. On Wednesday he seemed really out of it and fell down 3 different times. He could not use his walker to help as he would fall down with it as well.

On Thursday morning, I contacted our hospice group and they made the decision to bring him into the hospital.

I got him there and they began running test on him. They found that his dilantin level was extremely high and that this was probably what was causing all of his problems.

The doctors have come to the conclusion that his liver isn't metabolizing his drugs and that is why the dilantin is so high.

He was able to come home yesterday, but slept pretty much all day as he didn't feel good.

At least he is home again...but for how long?

Wednesday, September 3, 2003 6:00 AM CDT

The Labor Day weekend has come and gone. Does Dennis remember any of it? Doubtful. He slept Saturday until 6:00 p.m. He did get up around noon and took a shower, but right back to bed. On Sunday he was up and moving about a little bit, but slept on Monday until noon.

Day by day he chagnes...and not for the better. Yesterday wasn't a good day for him. When I got to work this morning and checked my voice mail, there were messages from him that he had left last night around 7:00 p.m. looking for me. I was at home with him.

He is such a fighter, a trooper, a strong willed man. I just don't know how much more he can handle.

Wednesday, August 27, 2003 5:27 AM CDT

It's been a while since I last updated. However, I see that as a good thing. Dennis seems to be "plugging" along day by day. He is sleeping a bit more than he was, talking a bit less, but is, for the most part, having fairly decent days.

It is our 8 year anniversary of when we moved into our home this weekend, so I feel that a small celebration is in order. Eight years ago, we were cancer free, however we lost my mom to cancer, so now eight years later we are battling brain cancer, and I feel like we are "kicking brain tumor butt" as it hasn't completely taken my favorite Dennis away from me! For that, a celebration is in order.

Monday, August 11, 2003 5:39 AM CDT

Just another sad weekend....on Friday upon my return from work I found Dennis asleep on the couch, where he had been since 8:00 a.m. By 2:00 I was concerned because he hadn't even moved...not a muscle. I contacted hospice and they told me to pinch him to see if I could arouse him, but it didn't. They said that they would come out, but instead I contacted our local fire department, as my brother works there, and had them bring the paramedics out to lift him off the couch to put him in his bed, still no movement out of him. They took his vitals and they all seemed to be normal. They told me to call them back if there was any change. Around 9:30 p.m. he started waking and stated he had to go to the bathroom, so I got his walker and helped him up out of the bed, but he could not walk. He didn't have the strength. As we was standing there with his walker, he let go and fell to the ground. I again called the paramedics to help assist him back into the bed. But he wanted to go to the bathroom, so we got the wheel chair out and pushed him down the hall to the bathroom...but he couldn't go. The paramedics ended up "cathing" him and he instantly filled the bag.

He slept fairly well that evening and at 6:00 a.m. on Saturday he was awake and was trying to remove the cathater. I told him he would have to wait until hospice got there to remove it. By 8:00 a.m. hospice was there and they removed it but informed me that if he was unable to go on his own on Saturday, that they would have to come back and re-cath him.

Dennis couldn't walk on his own at all on Saturday and pretty much slept the entire day. He did, however go to the bathroom on his own, which was a good thing.

Sunday, Dennis was back to himself again. Although, the words that come out of his mouth do not make any sense and his walking has slowed to a mere shuffle.

Thursday, August 7, 2003 5:34 AM CDT

The week just seems to be getting worse. Dennis hasn't changed much, but hospice delivered the walker and wheelchair yesterday. It broke my heart to see Dennis walking with the walker, although I feel that this is going to be a huge help as he is so unsteady on his feet.

My patiences are dwendling. I find myself getting so angry at little things. I try. I try to count to 10 and take deep breaths, but sometimes I just can't.

At 4:05 this morning we started in with "I've lost..." what it is that he has lost is a mystery. I KNOW he hasn't lost anything. After him searching the house for 45 minutes he came in the bathroom where I was getting ready for work and said he found it but can't find it. What does that mean? I haven't a clue. I try asking him in very simple questions what it is that he is looking for, as this is a constant thing that goes on. He is always, always looking for what it is that he lost.

It is heartbreaking...I think that is why I am getting angry because I know what the future holds....

Tuesday, August 5, 2003 5:50 AM CDT

As if last week wasn't horrendous enough, when I got home from work yesterday, I noticed Dennis' ear was bleeding. I inquired as to what happened and found out that he fell in the kitchen and hit his head on the stove. He kept telling me it was no big deal that it was just an accident.

I got him in the house (he was sitting on the patio when I got home) and told him to go sit for a minute while I fixed him some lunch. I got lunch ready and brought it to him...just a roast beef sandwich and some chips...he would take a bite and fall asleep with the food in his mouth. After waking him several times I decided to take the food away as I was afraid he was going to choke. He got up and came in the kitchen where I was cleaning up...there he went again...starting to fall...thank goodness I was there. I caught him so only I hit the ground...he didn't.

I got him back into the living room and got him to lie down...where he remained the rest of the day...

Tiring...I'm exhausted...mentally, physcially, spritually...

Monday, August 4, 2003 6:10 AM CDT

Another awful week for our family.

Dennis' mother has just been diagnosed with colon cancer. We made the trip to Florida to be with her during her surgery. Dennis did well on Monday, however on Tuesday as we were getting ready to go back to the hospital to visit with his mom, he lost use of his legs, arms and could not communicate. I got him into bed and as the day progressed, he seemed to in a "coma" like state.

I contacted our onc here in Indy and asked what they suggested I do. Of course, they thought that I should get him to the hospital.

I called 911 and the amublence came to pick him up. I suggested that they take him to the hospital that his mother was in as it would be easier on the family. Unfortunately the hospital did not have an oncology unit, so the suggested another hospital.

We got him in the ER at 1:30 on Tuesday. Upon his arrival he was unresponsive. The ER doctor, who I later found out was actually as Physcians Assistant, came in to asses Dennis. I explained what was going on with him and he thought that Dennis had had a drug overdose. I told him that I didn't think that was the case, and he looked at me and said "Are you an MD?" and I replied, "no, but I know my husband, and I don't think it is a drug overdose."

Without going in to all the details, they decided to give Dennis Narcan (sp) and told me that this would reverse the affects. Affects of what? I was confused. They told me this would wake him up...it didn't wake him up, I put him into withdraw and for 2 1/2 hours I was left alone, with absolutely no medical help, while he convulsed, fought, kicked, screamed, cried, bit, hit, foamed at the mouth, and so on.

Fortunately for me his sister was there to help me hold him down. We did not receive any medical help, nor did the Physicians Assistant ever come back to help us out.

When we begged for help we got answers like "it will be over in a minute or two."

I'm angry...very angry as I was not informed of what this drug was going to do, with the exception of "waking" him up and that we had not medical help for 2 1/2 hours. He almost died. His heart rate was racing and if it hadn't been for his siter and me, he would of fallen off the bed and probably busted his head.

I am in shock of what happened. As much drama as I can put into this story, it doesn't come close to what actually happened that day.

By the time he finally calmed down, he had to be put into ICU as they had now given him some much Narcotics that his breathing was labored, at best.

Fortunately I was able to bring him home the next day, but he is NOT the same person. And to top it off, his mom does have colon cancer and it has spread to her lymphnodes...

God, will this ever end?

Thursday, July 24, 2003 10:56 AM CDT

This week is proving too be much better than last. Dennis has been in fairly good spirits and has felt well for the most part.

Me on the other hand have been a little down lately. I can't put my finger on it, besides the obvious. I think everything is just starting to build up.

The highs and lows of this SFT are just awful.

I'm glad that Dennis is feeling better and just wish I could share that with him.

He still has much confusion, not sleeping (again), walking isn't great, but hey, still walking.

I am feeling better today than I have all week. Maybe because the sun is shining bright and there is not a cloud in the sky.

I guess I will go home and hug my favorite Dennis and be glad that we have this day together...as we never know what tomorrow may bring!

Monday, July 21, 2003 6:14 AM CDT

What a week we have had....

Monday, Dennis' father called me at work and said Dennis wasn't doing well and asked if I could come home, I did and found Dennis in his own "little world." I contacted the hospice nurse who came out immediately and noted Dennis's actions. He thought that Dennis may have had a small seizure. The rest of the day he slept.

On Tuesday when I got home from work Dennis was sleeping and continued to sleep throughout the afternoon, however he woke and said that his head hurt. I told him I was going to get his medicine for him and the next thing I heard was a lot of comotion going on in the living room, where to my horror, I found him lying on the floor. He had tried to get up from his chair and had fallen over. He fell on the end table, which completely collapsed. His head was caught in a basket next to the table. Luckily the basket was full of blankets.

I contacted his oncologist and asked what we should do. They told us to come in first thing in the morning.

On Wednesday, we met with Dr. Smith. He feels that the tumor is growing and the only suggestions he had was to either increase his decadron or to try and get Dennis into some kind of trial study, which he indicated Duke was looking for 12 people.

On our way home, I thought I'm going home to pack and taking him to Duke, when it dawned on me that the Brain Tumor Conference was going on in Chicago and that Dr. Friedman from Duke would be there.

We went to the conference, however Dr. Friedman, for some reason, was not present. I did get a lot of information and was given a specail phone number to contact Dr. Friedman to get Dennis is the study.

So, I guess for now I'm going to start making phone calls to see what we can do because doing nothing doesn't seem to be working....

Monday, July 14, 2003 5:57 AM CDT

As this summer has been unpredictable at best...not just the weather, but Dennis' condition as well, the weekend proved to be quite nice.

On Friday, when I returned from work, my Aunt and Uncle had stopped by for a visit. Then one of best friends came over and spent the afternoon with me. I enjoyed the "woman" conversation so much. Dennis pretty much slept the entire afternoon, however it was nice that I was able to visit.

We then had dinner with our neighbors on Friday evening and of course the rain came again. I was afraid that the weekend was going to end up a soggy one, but we were fortunate.

Saturday, Dennis and I worked in the yard all day. He seemed to be having a good day. He even walked down the street to visit a friend...by himself! I was thrilled.

Saturday evening we cooked out and again shared our meal time with our neighbors...

Sunday was another pleasant day. We enjoyed the sunshine on our faces most of the day.

As the day was drawing to a close, Dennis wanted to take a walk...so we did. But upon finishing our walk, he was very, very tired. At one point I was a few steps ahead of him and I stopped to let him catch up...when I turned around to watch him, my heart sunk. He was slumped over, dragging his feet and in a world of his own. He caught up to me and we made it home. I told him that from now on our walks needed to be much shorter as I think he completely over did it...but on the bright side...at least he was able to get out and walk...

Monday, July 7, 2003 6:36 AM CDT

The 4th of July has come and gone...why is this year flying by?

For the most part, it was a nice holiday weekend, however Dennis' mom was preparing to leave Friday evening as her flight left early Saturday (the 5th) morning and Den decided he wanted to go home with her.

I began searching for flights to get him down there with her and was able to book him on the same flight as her. I told him that I would come down over the weekend and get him and bring him home.

For over an hour I continually asked him if this is what he wanted to do. He assured me that is was. I called the airline back and booked the flights. They were rather expensive and I had explained to Den that once I booked the flights that they were non-refundable and wanted to make certain that this is what he wanted to do...it was.

The flights were booked and I was pulling out all of his meds and explaining to his mom how to administer them each day. She was packing up and I went to get our suitcases out of the closet to start packing for Dennis.

He broke down and began sobbing uncontrollably. He didn't want to go. He didn't want to leave me. I assured him that I would be fine, but there was no way he was going.

I called the airline back and explained the situation and they actually refunded my money. Lucky for me.

Marilyn left, by herself on Saturday. Dennis was out of it most of the day. Very sad...however yesterday, once he got up he seemed to be doing a little better. We enjoyed the day sitting at Lisa's pool, but upon coming home he broke down again. Crying, crying, crying. I couldn't get him to stop. He wanted his mom. I got her on the phone and explained that he had basically been sobbing since she left. Again, I asked if he wanted to go down to visit with her and he said no...he was crying because everyone around him is happy and he's not...sigh...it broke my heart.

He isn't doing very well these days. More bad days then good days. He is eating much better, but his sleep is sporatic and his personality is all but gone...

He's tired...I don't think that there is much fight left in him...everything scares him...I don't know what to do....

Monday, June 30, 2003 5:42 AM CDT

The roller coaster ride continues. As another person put it...I'm drowning in a sea of caregiver overload!

Last week was not a good one. On Tuesday, Dennis seemed to be a little worse than usual as I left for work. I ended up running home around 8:00 a.m. to check on him and something just didn't feel right, but I had to come back to work and I knew that his dad was there with him.

Upon returning home from work, I found Dennis slumped over in the recliner, basically out of it. I got him up and helped him into bed.

I was anticipating the visit from our hospice nurse, thinking that they may have a solution or give some advice on what I should do, as Dennis just seemed so bad.

Dennis woke around 2:00 p.m. and upon coming out of the bedroom I noticed blood all around his mouth and he wasn't making any sense what-so-ever. I called the hospice nurse, as they had not arrived as of yet, and he presumed that Dennis had a seizure. He instructed me to take him to the hospice unit at Methodist.

Upon arriving, they immediately got him checked in and into a room and with in 30 minutes his Oncologist was there where he confirmed that Dennis had had a mild seizure...or two.

He then pulled me out in the hall and told me to prepare myself as this definitely was the final stages...

Dennis spent Tuesday, Wednesday and part of Thursday in the hospital.

When we got home Thursday, he fell getting out of the car, fell walking up the front step and fell again once inside.

Scared doesn't even come close to how I was feeling. I called his mom and told her she should come.

She came on Friday...and to my surprise, Dennis has rallied again. Hence the "drowning in a sea of emotions."

This is so damn hard. I prepare myself for the worst, and he rallies each time. My God, does he have a strong will...I just hope I can continue to stay strong....

Thursday, June 19, 2003 5:42 AM CDT

I guess I have been a little neglectful in updating this journal. I think I needed a break. Not only do I live this horrible dream, I write about it too. I needed some time not to think about it all. Guess what? That's impossible, it never goes away.

Dennis is doing, fair at best. However he is eating a little more and sleeping a little less. Is this good? I don't know...

I prepare myself for the end, and then he bounces back. Don't get me wrong, I don't want him to die, however I know it is inevitable, and this roller coaster ride is making me sick...my emotions are out of "whack" and I feel like a zombie...I have no life outside of this damn BT world...I want my husband back...I don't want to be his mommy...I just want our lives back to normal...whatever normal is....

Tuesday, June 3, 2003 5:32 AM CDT

I wanted to pass along a poem that we received from a young man who lives down the street from Dennis and me. It is quite touching.

Dennis coached this little boy in football several years ago.

A Great Man - a poem by Riley Woodruff (age 13)

Dennis Pruitt is a person full of life,
A great man with a loving wife.

An all out sports addict,
Any news or statistic he always has it.

The way he makes everyone laugh amazes me;
He can do it so easily.

Yet his life is being interrupted by a terrible disease,
One that can bring the strongest man to his knees.

Cancer is trying to take his life away,
Trying to make it his very last day.

But this friend, coach and husband stays tough,
Especially when the stiuation gets rough.

Dennis, even though your battle with cancer has been long,
Always remember to have faith and to stay strong.

Monday, June 2, 2003 6:18 AM CDT

I never imagined in a million years that I would have my favorite Dennis still here with me. He has made it 30 months, when he was only given 9 to 18 months to live.

Now, however I don't know how much "living" he is actually doing. He sleeps most of the time, doesn't eat or drink, although this morning he managed to get a banana down. He can't hold a conversation, although he tries.

Saturday I woke to Dennis vomiting violently. I can't figure out where this is coming from considering in the past week he has eaten a bite of a sandwich and a banana.

He slept the entire day on Saturday, but on Sunday woke up and said he was hungry, so we went to Bob Evans as that is where he wanted to go. Unfortunately, when our food arrived, he could not eat any of it.

We then went to the grocery store as he said he felt well enough to go, but by the time we were finished he was exhausted. He sat in the car as I loaded up the groceries. Upon returning home, he went straight to bed. He slept until 2:00, then went back to bed until 6:00 and then was up for about 30 minutes and right back to bed he went.

He was up this morning, and seemed to be doing a little bit better.

It is so sad watching him lose a little bit of himself everyday...sigh....

Wednesday, May 28, 2003 6:22 AM CDT

There is just so much sadness that goes along with living and caring for someone with a brain tumor.

For instance, last night or should I say early this morning, Dennis wanted to get out of bed. I guess I'm selfish, as I wanted him to stay in bed with me because I wanted to get some sleep. I asked why he wanted to get up, as there is nothing to do at 2:00 in the morning...he began to weep and tell me that he just couldn't lay there because he was going crazy.

I asked if he could just lay with me until 3:00, that I would get up with him then. He kept telling me it was already 3:00, he finally got up and went into the kitchen and came back and told me that he was cold and wanted to get back in bed.

Once in bed I covered him up with all of his blankets and was just to fall back to sleep when he jumped up and said, it's too hot.

Needless to say, we got up. He just roamed around the house for a while. There isn't anything for him to do.

I just don't know how to keep him occupied any longer. His attention span is nil, at best. Simple tasks can no longer be completed by him.

I got him settled in the recliner and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he has drifted back to sleep.

Lindsey, our neighbor, spent the night last night and is there to care for him this morning.

Ruby, our HHA comes today at noon. Along with his mom and step dad as they are going to "stop" by on their way to the airport as they are returning to Florida today.

I don't know how well Dennis will handle his mom going home. It scares me....

Tuesday, May 27, 2003 5:33 AM CDT

The weekend was bitter sweet at best. His mom and step dad are in town...finally, and are seeing for the first time the effects of this terrible disease and how they have taken a toll on my favorite Dennis.

Saturday was my birthday and it was a beautiful day, however my Den just couldn't pull himself out of bed, so unfortunately, although I was able to be close to him, we were unable to celebrate in a way that we usually do.

Sunday, was our 12 year anniversary and as bad as Den was the day before, he was much worse today. He was quite agitated and in obvious pain.

We had a small cook out with our family, but Dennis was unable to enjoy any of it.

I don't think he fully realized it was our anniversary and when he would make mention of it, he was very confused. That's ok though, at least I got to spend another wonderful year with him. I feel lucky to have been chosen as his wife and that I have been able to be by his side for the past 12 years.

Please, keep praying for my favorite. I don't think he has much time left in this world, but if it is his time to go on to his next journey, I pray that it is quick and peaceful and that he doesn't suffer.

Thank you to all who have kept us in your thoughts and prayers.

Tuesday, May 20, 2003 7:39 AM CDT

Our final decent continues. Friday upon returning home from work, Dennis was like a caged animal. He was up, he was down, he was in bed, he was wandering around the house. This went on all afternoon and evening. I was exhausted by the end of the day.

He was up pretty much all night. I finally got him to come to bed around 5:00 a.m. Once in bed, he fell sound asleep and slept until 2:00 in the afternoon.

I had someone come over and sit with him so I could get out of the house for a while. When I returned, he seemed to be better than he has been in a long while. He said he was hungry and wanted to go out to eat. I was estatic as we haven't been out for so long.

We got to the restaurant and I ordered for him. When his food came, he took one bite and began crying. He said he didn't like what he had. I assured him that this wasn't a big deal, that we would send it back and get something else. Which I did, as well as getting all of our dinner to go. I could tell that there was too much comotion going on and he was getting very confused.

Upon returning home, he didn't want to eat and just went to sleep on the couch.

I got him into bed around 9:30 and was completely drained myself. But sleep was not to come for me. He again started with this up, down, in, out thing. I got him to calm down and lay in bed with me where he looked at me and said that he knew he was passing. My God, that broke my heart.

We ended up at 3:30 Sunday morning as he couldn't sleep. I began cleaning house because I knew I had to do something to stay awake.

Around 8:00 Dennis went back to sleep and slept the rest of the day.

I laid down at 6:00 and this is when Dennis decided to get up. Again, he was up pretty much throughout the evening, but slept again throughout the day on Monday.

It's as if he has his days and nights mixed up, or that he is becoming afraid of the dark. I don't know and it scares the hell out of me.

What's going to happen? Is this really the end? How will I know? I just don't know anything these days.

Friday, May 16, 2003 7:42 AM CDT

The week seems to have come and gone and I'm not sure where it went.

It hasn't been the best of weeks. I seem to have had a mental break down on Tuesday, but have bounced back.

My last post indicated my displeasure with the hospice, however I called them and explained my situation and told them that I had high expectations...I expect that if they are to be there on a certain day, they show up.

The supervisor seemed to be apologetic and assured me that a mishap like this would not happen again and assigend a new nurse to come out on Monday. Paul arrived at our house around 1:30 and I truly enjoyed him. I think this will be a good match.

Tuesday, the supervisor at hospice phoned me again to tell me that she was going to have a Home Health Aide to come out to the house on Monday, Wednesday and Friday and that she would be there the next day for our initial introduction. She was to be there at 9:30. I left work at 9:15. By 11:00 a.m. my blood was boiling...no HHA, no phone call, nothing.

I called back to inquire as to what in the hell was going on. It took until 2:00 in the afternoon for me to receive a return phone call with a snotty woman on the other end telling me that it wasn't her problem that the HHA that she had assigned had car problems. Needless to say I was a bit hot under the collar.

Finally, yesterday a new HHA showed up and told me that she was told by "someone" at Hospice that I was going to be difficult to deal with because I was very angry that my husband is dying. Well of course I am very angry that my husband is dying, but what the hell gives them the right to pass this information on? And to be perfectly honest, when I was screaming at Hospice on the phone Wednesday, Dennis' illness wasn't the reason for my rage. My rage was stemming from the fact that no one had showed up...again.

I feel almost compelled to find a different orgainization, however I don't want to confuse Dennis any more than he already is. The fact that a new hospice would have to come out and assess him, plus the fact that the organization that we are currently using would have to come in and remove the hospital equipment seems almost cruel to him. I want as much continuanty in his life that I can have. So, I guess for now, I will just have to have faith in them and hope and pray that the mix ups are over.

And, then, how blessed am I? His mom has finally decided to come for a visit. (a lot of sarcasim in that line.)

She had told me in March that she wanted to come the first of June...well I called her several weeks ago and asked for her to come, excuse after excuse and she still isn't here, but now she has informed me that she will be here on the 28th of this month...but I was told that she would come sooner if I needed her to...well, I don't. I've managed this long without her, I can continue to manage now. And it seems to me that it wasn't convenient for her to come until the first of June....

Monday, May 12, 2003 6:08 AM CDT

We had one hell of a week last week. I got hospice in on Tuesday, on Wednesday they delivered the hospital equipment (i.e. bed, oxygen, table, etc.) that was very hard seeing that come into our house. Thursday, Dennis never got out of bed...it was sad. Around 1:30 in the morning I heard him up and about and I got up, I was in another room, to see just what it was that he was doing and he had completely stripped the bed...when I asked what he was doing he didn't know. I went to the laundry room to retrieve the matress pad and realized that he had lost control of his bowels and that is why he had taken the bed apart. I found another set of sheets and put them on the bed and got him to lie back down only to have him up again at 2:35 doing the same thing...stripping the bed. This time he had lost control of his bladder. I put him in the hospital bed that is in another room and got him to go back to sleep. I, on the other hand, began cleaning up his accidents. He finally woke on Friday morning around 9:30 only to have had another accident in the hospital bed. So, more laundry and cleaning him up.

The hospice nurse was to be back on either Thursday or Friday...here I sit on Monday morning and I have yet to hear from them. Pissed doesn't even come close to how angry I am.

He is just slipping away day by day and it is breaking my heart. I hate this fucking disease!

Monday, May 5, 2003 4:41 AM CDT

Well, I made the hard decision to contact Hospice, which I did on Friday. They were going to get all the information gathered from doctor's, insurance, etc. and we are going to talk again today. Although it was a hard phone call to make, I felt like a weight had been lifted afterwards.

I talked a little about it with Dennis. I made it as this was for me, that I was the one needing the help.

He cried, I cried, we cried together, but I don't think he fully understoood what it is that I was talking about or that we are in fact going to have someone coming in. About 30 minutes after our conversation, I asked him not to be upset with me about my decision and he had a blank look on his face and asked what I was talking about. Sigh.

He slept all day Friday, Saturday he wasn't feeling well at all, but after sleeping a while he got up and felt good enough to cut the yard. Something he hasn't done in a very long time, but I let him do it so that he felt that he was "contributing." It wore him completely out. He slept the rest of the day Saturday and was up only about 2 hours on Sunday.

This morning as I prepared for work, he was very confused. It was hard, as it always is, leaving him to come into work.

We get the results back today from the MRI we had done on Thursday...I'm anxious, scared, all the emotions that you go through when anticipating results.

Friday, May 2, 2003 7:15 AM CDT

This has just been a bad week all around. On Wednesday, Dennis' father took him to pay our car insurance. Since his dad's car is unreliable, he usually takes our Mustang when he is running errands for Dennis. Some how, while "out and about" they lost one of the hub caps off the car. Not that this is a major problem, but what it means is more money out of my pocket to have it replaced.

Yesterday, as Dennis seemed to be spiraling out of control, I contacted Dr. Smith's office and they agreed that he needed to be seen right away, however we had to drive to his Southside location. Not a big deal as I knew it was important for Dennis to see the docotor. On the way there, it began raining. I turned on the windsheild wipers and began entering the interstate. As I reached a speed of about 70, I heard this awful noise, and to my shock, the enire passenger side windsheild wiper, not just the blades, but the whole damn thing broke off. This is a 2002 vehicle...what in the hell. I've got Dennis in the car next to me freaking out, telling me that I can't drive...ok what was I supposed to do...the windshield wiper on the dirver side was still in tact, I couldn't stop on the highway and go pick it up...

Nevertheless, we made it to the doctors office and met with his Onc. He agreed that the tumor must be growing as Dennis is retaining a lot of fluid and the symptoms that he is demonstrating are worsening.

He called for an emergency MRI. After 4 1/2 hours, they finally got the MRI taken and we came home.

Upon returning home, Dennis was feeling quite poor. I medicated him and then went to bed myself only to awoke with him asking me questions to which I hadn't the fainest clue as to what he was asking. I told him to sit down on the bed and to slow down to try to get his thoughts together, but he just couldn't.

I'm finding it more and more difficult to decipher what he is talking about.

I believe the next steps will be contacting hospice.

I don't want to believe that we are nearing the end, but all signs point to that. Sigh...

Thursday, May 1, 2003 6:02 AM CDT

The week hasn't been kind to Dennis. Again, he has a sty in his left eye. Tuesday as I cut the yard he slept on the deck...at least he was enjoying the sunshine. I'm trying to get him to lay on the chaise and sleep outside as I'm sure the warm sun on his face makes him feel better.

Yesterday his confusion was so great. He called around 11:00 and told me that we had to "talk" when I got home. When I inquired as to what was wrong, he started crying telling me that he could no longer read or write. I told him that I would be right home.

Upon returning home, I found him just out of it. Like I said he was in tears. After some consoling, I told him that I would help him write out his bills. He has taken such pride in keeping our finances in order, but I think it's come time that I begin doing it. As much as I would like for him to continue, he just can't do it.

Monday, April 28, 2003 6:07 AM CDT

I don't even know where to start.

Dennis seems to decline a little each day, but still is doing quite well for having brain cancer.

His short term memory is all but gone. He doesn't understand the simplest of tasks. Has a very difficutl time getting around. Depends on me to help him dress. The list is endless.

I, as his caregiver, find it harder and harder each and everyday. I'm selfish though. I want to take care of him. I don't want to ask for help, but know that it is getting closer to time to have 24/7 help. I find that I get angry at him...a lot more than I used to. I don't mean to, but I can't help it sometimes.

For instance, he was flushing the toilet over and over and over again last night. When I asked what he was doing, he told me that someone needed to flush it. When I inquired to why so many times in a row, he looked at me like I was out of my mind. Why did his toilet flushing upset me so much? I'm sure that isn't even why I was mad, but it made me mad.

This morning as I was getting ready for work, I had already told him not to empty the dishwasher because the dishes hadn't been washed yet, but by God, he was determined to empty it...needless to say, there are now dirty dishes in the cabinets...which I will have to take out and wash.

It's things like that that just get to me....

Tuesday, April 22, 2003 5:51 AM CDT

Yesterday I saw the worst in Dennis. He was almost psychotic. He had been napping, then in a flash he was up and in the shower. Once out of the shower, he came into the kitchen and told me that he was going to wear "these underwear" from now on because when he goes around the track he won't hit the wall. If that wasn't bad enough, because I obviously didn't have a clue what he possibly could of been talking about, he then came out with a nice shirt on and asked me if it looked alright. I agreed that it looked fine, but questioned as to where he was going. This is when the break down began. He informed me that it was the day he goes for his haircut. I told him that either I or my neighbor cut his hair and that he didn't have an appointment anywhere. Well he got so mad and kept telling me that he gets his hair cut every week and I was trying to make him go crazy. I tried to calm him down and started asking where it was that he in fact got his hair cut. He replied down by the track (we live outside of Indy close to the Indianapolis Motor Speedway race track) and that when he goes there he comes out with his shirt off.

Again, I explained that he didn't get his hair cut anywhere down by the track and that I had just cut his hair a week ago.

This went on and on for over an hour and a half. I was in tears. I kept taking him to the calendar and asking him what day it was. He kept putting his finger on today (Tuesday) and I would move it and put it on Monday, but that didn't seem to pacify him. He just kept shouting that I was trying to make him go crazy.

My neighbor eventually came over and together we got him calmed down. She told him that either myself or her cut his hair and that he hadn't been to a barber in three or more years. He just kept shaking his head and telling us we were trying to make him crazy.

In the end, we finally got out of him that he wanted to go to the tanning bed and that's what he does on Tuesday.

I was exhausted. With my neighbor by my side, we sat down and explained to Dennis that it was time that he had someone stay with him while I was at work. We explained that he sometimes calls me at work in this confused state and I get worried that he is there alone. He finally consented to having the neighbors come and sit with him during the mornings.

The evening was draining. I ended up with a migrane headache and was in bed by 7:00. I feel out of it this morning. Lost, sad, worried, just a mix of emotions that I don't know what to do with.

Are we nearing the end?

Monday, April 21, 2003 6:00 AM CDT

With the Easter weekend just behind us, I sit here and try, my damnedest, to be thankful for what I have. Unfortunately when you live with the possibility of death day in and day out, it is sometimes easy to get side tracked and not be able to see all the beauty that is around us.

Dennis continues to try and be a strong man, but this disease is taking that away from him.

He spent to better part of last week asleep. It has been quite some time since I have seen him sleep as much. He hasn't been feeling well either. Many more headaches, and the confusion is so bad.

I try to be patient, but there are days that it seems virutually impossible.

I actually turned the radio up in the car the other day just loud enough as to not have to talk...or hear Dennis. I couldn't take it any longer.

God, give me the strength to continue on this fight.

Wednesday, April 16, 2003 6:08 AM CDT

Dennis has been feeling poorly as of late. However on Monday he seemed a little better, but yesterday he slept and slept and slept. Had a terrible headache and just felt awful. I gently reminded him that when it is all said and done, he does have brain cancer and that there are days that he won't feel good and that it is all right. He doesn't have to be strong and jovial all the time.

My favorite again wasn't feeling well when he got up this morning. Hopefully he will go back to bed and sleep for a while.

This damn disease.

Wednesday, April 9, 2003 6:25 AM CDT

Like I wrote on Monday, our vacation was fantastic. It was just so great to see Dennis having a good, relaxing time and enjoying himself with friends and family.

But, now back to reality...Dennis isn't doing as good as I had hoped. His confusion is extreme and to top it off, he has sties in both of his eyes. His left eye was completely swollen shut this morning. We have been keeping hot compresses on them, but I now think it is time to see a doctor and maybe get him on an antibiotic.

I guess on the bright side, the swelling in his feet and ankles is nearly gone. I think the walking on the beach and the activity helped.

Monday, April 7, 2003 5:50 AM CDT

Our vacation was fantastic. However, Ft. Myers saw record lows in the 40's while we were there, but that was the only bad part of our trip.

Dennis did fantastic. He actually slept at night and his confusion was much less noticable. It was nice, although I did not spend much time with him at all as his friends pretty much kept him entertained.

I find it intriguing, that now we are back, his "pre-vacation" self seems to be back. No sleeping, a lot of confusion, unable to write. Thank goodness we have a docotors appointment today.

Peace and hope to all....

Thursday, March 27, 2003 5:25 AM CST

Yahoo! Yippie! It's finally here. We leave for vacation tomorrow and Dennis is doing well. He has been in good spirits and he seems to be holding on. He has gotten some good rest this week and has had minimal headaches.

To whomever reads this, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers that we have a safe and pleasant trip.

God bless you all.

Thursday, March 20, 2003 9:09 AM CST

It's Thursday with only one more week of work before vacation. Dennis and I have been anticipating this trip for some time. It will be so good for us to get away and not think about brain cancer for a week. No doctors, just us...doing what we love to do best. Sitting on the beach and sunning ourselves, people watching, holding hands, just being alive and being together! I pray that Dennis can truly enjoy his time. We have such good friends that will be there with us, to enjoy Dennis.

Den has had a fairly good week, although, again, the feet and ankles are so, so swollen. We prop, but it doesn't seem to help. He tires easily and is a little more withdrawn. A lot of confusion, but has done great coming off the steroids. We are down to 2mg twice a day. I was hoping to have him off by the time we left, but the maintenance dose is probably a good idea. I will finshing the weaning process when we are home.

I guess that's it for the day. I will post more later.

And to all who visit this site, thank you for taking an interest in "my favorite Dennis". I will keep you all in our prayers and hope for a miracle, a cure a better day!

Tuesday, March 18, 2003 4:33 AM CST

Again, another beautiful spring day. After I returned from work, Den and I ran some errands, upon returning home, Den's feet and ankles were quite swollen, so I propped them up and he pretty much stayed in the same place for the rest of the day and evening.

He actually came to bed with me last night and slept. As I left for work this morning, he was sleeping soundly. Hopefully he will continue his slumber for a while longer. I have noticed that if he does get in a good nights sleep, he is much more alert.

Keeping my fingers crossed that the tumor remains stable and he remains in the state that he is in currently!

Monday, March 17, 2003 4:44 AM CST

The weekend was glorious! The weather was fantastic and it was so good for Dennis and I both to be outside enjoying the sunshine. I think, that it may have done Dennis good. He seemed more alert than usual. We went for a walk yesterday, but upon our return he was very, very tired and pretty much slept the rest of the day, however I feel that this was a good sleep. Sleep from actually being tired from doing something.

Small miracles do happen, and I believe that the weekend gave us a small miracle. Just having Dennis out walking with me, with the sunshine on our faces was perfect!

Friday, March 14, 2003 5:07 AM CST

We are just back from a quick trip to the Cancer Treatment Centers of America.

Extrodinary people! Unfortunately for us, there wasn't anything that they could do for Dennis at the moment, however what we found out made us feel more at ease.

The NS we met with informed us that Dennis' team of doctor's here in Indy have been extremely aggressive in fighting this damn disease and that he would of done the exact same things. For that, we are thankful. He offered Dennis a couple of extra treatment options, but not until Dennis is completely off the steroids and has given his body a "vacation" as he put it.

The Cancer Treatment Centers of America put a lot into nutrition, mind and body and spiritual healing. Is this something Dennis and I want to explore? I don't know, maybe. All I do know is that Dennis is doing remarkably well for being as sick as he is. By that I mean, he is still able to get around and can comprehend on some level. For that, I'm thankful!

Monday, March 10, 2003 6:25 AM CST

I am so afraid that we are nearing the end of this BT battle and it scares the hell out of me.

Although we are in the process of weaning Dennis off the Decadron, and I realize that there are certain side affects that come with the territory, I watch him and realize it is very hard for him to complete the simplest of tasks.

I honestly think he is holding on for our upcoming vacation. This vacation has been in the works for some time now and as word spread that we would be going to Ft. Myers, FL at the end of the month more and more couples planned their vacation at the same time. Currently there are about 40 couples that Dennis has known throughout his life that will be in Ft. Myers at the same time as us. Many are staying in the same resort.

I fear that when the trip is over, he will let go. He is tired. His body is wearing down. As Dennis has always been positive, and he still is, I just think that the cancer is getting to him.

However, I am not giving up hope. I have scheduled a meeting with a couple of doctors at the Cancer Treatment Centers of America. We will see them either this Wednesday or next. Maybe, just maybe they will have another approach as to what we can do to win this battle.

I'm praying for hope...for something!

Tuesday, March 4, 2003 6:28 AM CST

It's been a few weeks since I last updated. Dennis seems to be holding his own. Good days and bad. I seem to be the one having a major melt down. I'm tired and the stress is starting to build. I try to hold my breath and bite my tounge, but there just seems to be days that I can't.

Dennis had another MRI and the report came back with no apparent change in the tumor, however again they are seeing a lot of brain damage and swelling.

Dr. Smith wants Dennis to be weaned off the Decadron, and I am a little hesitant as I'm afraid that the swelling is going to get out of control. He (Dr. Smith) said he would treat any pain with higher doses of pain meds, but Dennis has been on the Dex for so long that I'm a little scared.

Wednesday, February 19, 2003 5:27 AM CST

Dennis seems to be slipping daily. He slept the entire weekend and has been having headaches more frequently. He also mentioned that his vision is getting bad. He thinks he needs glasses, unfortunately, we all know why his vision is slipping. It just breaks my heart....

Monday, February 10, 2003 8:52 AM CST

The weekend seemed tough for Dennis. He slept pretty much the whole time. I think he may have a hernia, but I'm not sure. Will see the doctor today. His breathing is getting more labored, but think it is from the weight gain. Very bad swollen ankles and legs. I kept them elevated as best I could over the weekend. It breaks my heart to see him in this state....

Tueday, February 4, 2003 5:36 AM CST

The weekend has come and gone and we begin a new week living with a brain tumor. It has been 25 months since dianosis. It's hard.

Dennis seems to be sleeping more and more and talking less. He slept pretty much all day Sunday and Monday and was soundly sleeping in the recliner when I left for work this morning. It breaks my heart to leave and come to work, but I know soon probably he will need me more than he does now.

Thursday, January 30, 2003 at 06:48 AM (CST)

January 30, 2003 – We went to lunch with Lisa Farree today and Dennis seemed to be doing pretty good. When we got home, he laid down on the couch and slept the rest of the afternoon. I had to go to the funeral home with dad as our old neighbor, Buddy Bayt passed away. Although I hadn’t seen the Bayt’s in at least 18 years, I thought it right to pay my respects.

I dropped dad off and came home, as I was extremely tired as Dennis was up pretty much all night the night before, which unfortunately kept me awake all night. I think I averaged about 2-½ hours sleep. Needless to say when I got home from the funeral home I was wiped out. I’m praying for a good day today. I haven’t heard from Dennis this morning, which I find odd, but I don’t want to call because if he is asleep, I would hate to wake him as I know he prowled around the house again all night last night.

January 28, 2003 – The weekend was decent. Friday we went shopping but on the way home Dennis started feeling bad, so I took him home and made him a bed on the couch and let him sleep. I went over to Jami’s to celebrate her birthday with her. I was home by 7:00 and we watched a movie together. Went to bed around 10:00. Saturday I cleaned the kitchen well then we went out to run some errands. We stopped by the Legion and had a couple of drinks then went to dinner and the grocery. It was a good day and Dennis seemed to be doing fairly well.

When I woke on Sunday, it was snowing pretty hard around 2:00 Dennis was up, but I could tell he wasn’t feeling all that good, but nonetheless we went to the Legion for the Super Bowl party and then on to Pat and Cindy’s. By the time we got there, Dennis wasn’t feeling well at all. We left and got home around 7:30. I went to bed, but Den stayed up. He didn’t come to bed all night.

Monday we had our follow up with Dr. Smith. Dennis was planning on starting chemo again, but Dr. Smith doesn’t want him to begin as it is starting to cause paralysis in his feet, which is a side effect from the chemo. He will check Dennis in 6-weeks and if the numbness and tingling have left his feet then he will let him start again. So, I guess we are in a watch and see pattern again.

Dennis’s forgetfulness and repeating of himself really got to me yesterday. In fact it was making me mad. I feel bad that I get angry with him, but sometimes it just seems to be too much. I’m hoping for more patience today. Although while I was getting ready for work he was repeating himself and it about drove me nuts. I couldn’t get out of the house quick enough this morning. We have Tyler tonight so the distraction will be a good thing for both of us.

January 24, 2003 – They called back and got us in to see Dr. Hall. The report we got wasn’t what I had expected. The tumor remains unchanged, which is a good thing but he has brain damage from the radiation. There isn’t anything that can be done about this. Dr. Hall also said that just because on the MRI they don’t seem to detect any changes doesn’t mean that there aren’t still malignant cells in the brain as it is sometimes hard to capture these cells on an MRI. He also informed us that with the changes I was describing to him that it is possible that malignant cells have traveled into the spinal fluid and that the only way of detecting was to do a spinal tap. Right now we are going to just wait and see. I don’t want to put him through that as it has been said that it is the most excruciating pain.

When we got home Dennis fell asleep and pretty much slept through the evening and into this morning. Although awake when I got up, he was pretty much back asleep when I left. And the few times he has called this morning he has informed me that he can’t keep his eyes open. Sleep is good.

January 23, 2003 – Dennis is showing more signs of change. On Tuesday, he had lunch with Jeff and Dad at Tyler’s school. Upon his return he decided that lunch was just a snack and wanted to go out. So we did and he ate and ate. I didn’t want us to go home and nap and thought it would be a good idea to walk off some of the food intake, so we went to Bed, Bath and Beyond and then to Michael’s. As we were walking through Michael’s, I noticed that he kept stopping and staring at things. He was looking at a pedestal and when I walked back over to him I asked what he was looking as he seemed most intrigued. He told me there was a blue string wrapped around it and wanted to know what it was for. Ok, I don’t have an answer. We continued to walk through the store where he came upon some wicker baskets; again he stopped to “stare blankly” at them. I stood a few feet away to watch him. He began to try and pull pieces of the basket off. He finally got a string or something and began flossing his teeth. At this time it was time to go home. I was so upset by what I had just witnessed. It’s so hard to watch him do these things. I now understand what a person with a disability must go through with strangers giving them the awkward, unknowing stares.

Yesterday, when I got home from work, I had asked Den to take some boxes down to the basement. There were 2 of them and they were empty. I didn’t think this would pose a problem, as they weren’t heavy. Anyway I was in the kitchen and all of the sudden I heard the boxes flying and crashing to the ground. I ran over to the basement door and Den was standing there rubbing his hand. I asked if he fell and he immediately pointed to his head and told me it wasn’t because of “that.” I don’t know, but I’m sure it was because of “that.” He took a pretty good spill. Banged up his knees and his wrist. He ended up lying down for a while. He needed to. I’m so scared that something is definitely going on. I didn’t get the radiology report, but I did leave a message with Dr. Hall this morning to see if there was anyway he could get me in for a few minutes to go over the scan. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I get a call back.

Thursday, January 30, 2003 at 06:41 AM (CST)

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