Journal History

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Tuesday, February 16, 2010 9:08 AM CST

6 years. Today. That's how long it's been since you left us. One one hand it seems so long ago, but on the other it seems like yesterday. And it still hurts, some days not as badly, but other days, like a wave of pain knocking me off my feet. Unexpected times and places, out of the blue.

We love you and miss you like crazy. You are never far from our minds, and never out of our hearts. Love you forever!

Peace,
Mom, Dad, and Tessa

Sunday, August 23, 2009 8:47 AM CDT

22 years ago today, one of my favorite people on the planet was born....a life well lived, but way too short. Happy Birthday Brock! Love you and miss you every single day.

Peace,
Mom, Dad, and Tessa <3

Saturday, July 4, 2009 8:33 AM CDT

And so it began.....

15 years ago today, we began a journey that we never thought would happen to us. No family ever does. But then again, we never know where life will take us.

July 3, 1994 - Brock had been having signs of blood in his urine on and off for a couple of weeks. The doctor assumed it was an infection or an injury of some sort, and had been prescribing antibiotics. We had decided to set up our camper and sleep out in it, "pretend" camping for the 4th of July holiday. Brock complained all night long of his stomach hurting. Lynn rubbed his stomach and felt the lump. Practically frozen with fear, we called the doctor's office first thing in the morning. The doctor, not our regular one but a friend of ours, agreed to meet us immediately at the emergency room. We took Tessa to her aunt and uncle's house, and Brock to Ball Hospital. After some testing, the doctor came in with the look on his face that you never want to see. There was something there, he said, but he couldn't be sure what. He had already spoken to the ER docs at Riley Hospital for Children in Indianapolis, and they would be waiting for us. Go home, grab some clothes, and get down there. The hosptial was about an hour away.

WHAT?????

So....we did just that. The doctors and nurses couldn't have been nicer to us. After hours of testing, blood work, all manner of things medical, it was confirmed. At 10:00 that night, while Brock finally slept in his hosptial room, we met with the man who would ultimately perform many surgeries on Brock to remove whatever new monster popped up. He told us that Brock had cancer, a type called Wilms Tumor. Pediatric kidney cancer. The lump we felt was a tumor in his kidney, and it needed to come out NOW. Surgery was scheduled for the next morning, July 4.

July 4, 1994 - What I remember most about this morning is telling Brock that he would be having surgery that day, and would most likely miss the fireworks that evening. He was MAD! At 6 years old, one of the coolest things you can do is light fireworks! And he was going to have to miss it! I remember quite a discussion ensuing (Brock was quite the debater!), but ultimately he was taken to surgery, and a tumor the size of a small football was removed along with his left kidney. The surgeon was wonderful, a man we remain friends with to this day. The cancer, he said, was confined to the kidney and they got it all. Whew! That was what we wanted to hear! Wilms Tumor had a 96% cure rate, we were told, and if you had to have cancer, it was the one to have. A little chemo, and it would be fine. He started chemo while still in the hospital after his surgery.....the first of HOW many?????

They say ignorance is bliss. What I wouldn't give to still be ignorant! To still believe in statistics, medicine, doctors, technology. To still believe what someone told me was the truth, without questioning it. To not be consumed with fear at every pain, every strange twinge that one of us had. Truly, ignorance is bliss......

February 16, 2004 - After too many surgeries to count, too much chemo to mention, too much radiation to keep track of, and too many relapses to try to forget, Brock Alexander Barnard passed away. He was 16 years old, and had battled "the good kind" of cancer for 10 years. I remember him telling me once that he didn't remember a time that he didn't have cancer. To quote him, "It's just my life, mom."

Fly high Superman. We love you and miss you every single day. I hope the fireworks are super cool from up there! <3

Peace,
Mom

Wednesday, June 3, 2009 7:20 PM CDT

So, here we are, the beginning of another summer vacation. Another graduation down, Tessa's first year of college finished. And still, we miss Brock every single day. Who would he have become? What would he be doing now? So many questions left unanswered.

Tessa is doing well. Taking a class and working on campus this summer. She has moved into an apartment for the summer with her friend Rachel, which will be a fun experience for her. She got great grades for her freshman year and we're very proud. :)

I'm looking forward to a relaxing summer, hopefully with some travel involved. Moving last summer pretty much took up all of our time, so this summer will hopefully be more about fun and relaxation.

Thanks for stopping by and reading Brock's journal. I don't write as much anymore, but we know Brock is still in people's hearts and minds.

Peace,
LeeAnn

Sunday, February 15, 2009 8:21 PM CST

So.....tomorrow Brock will be gone 5 years. 1,827 days, counting leap years. I can't believe it. It sucks as much today as it did 5 years ago. Truly. I think there is potential that my anger over the whole thing is getting even worse as time goes on. But, sadly, I know being angry won't change anything, so I try to let it go.

Brock, we love you and miss you every single day. Sending you big hugs, and all of our love, forever!!!

Peace,
Mom, Dad, and Tessa

Monday, November 17, 2008 4:38 PM CST

Hi everyone. I'm so very sorry that I have been horrible about updating this website. I know Brock is all around me, all the time, and sometimes I guess that's just enough for me.....

The biggest news here, I guess, is Tessa's upcoming heart surgery. She will be having her pulmonary valve replaced on Dec. 17 at Riley Hospital. She was born with a congenital heart defect called Tetralogy of Fallot, which she had surgically reparied at 18 months old. Now, 18 years later, a second surgery is required to replace her faulty valve. We knew this surgery would eventually be necessary, and now the time has come. We will meet her surgeon, Dr. John Brown, on Nov. 26th at her pre-op appointment. He is the chief of Cardiothorasic Surgery at Riley, so that makes me feel good. Her valve, we have been told, will come from either a pig or a buffalo. Don't think THAT information hasn't been the source of some good jokes around here! :)

The good news is that she should be recovered fully enough to start back to Ball State for the spring semester. She will have almost 4 weeks to recover, which is good. We also should be out of the hospital and back home for Christmas, which is also good news. I have the feeling that Christmas is going to take a back seat this year, however. Much more interested in getting her fixed up and healthy! That's all the gift I need, for sure.

Otherwise, things are about the same. School is going quickly for me....the year will be half over at Christmas break. Tessa is really doing well in her first semester of college, and we could not be prouder of her! She's majoring in Telecommunications, and so far finding it interesting. I told her I didn't care what she studied as long as she would be able to find a career she loves, and can support herself doing. Isn't that what any of us wants??? :) Lynn's job continues to evolve. Seems like almost on a daily basis his responsibilities change. That would drive me nuts, but he is good at getting everything done.

Thanks to all of you who still stop by here to visit. I would like to ask that you send any good thoughts you have to my friend Kim Dixon. She is on her way right now to M.D. Anderson Cancer Center in Houston to put together a program to fight her third fight with breast cancer. She is a good friend and an awesome person, and I would truly appreciate you all putting her in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much for stopping by!

Peace,
LeeAnn

Saturday, August 23, 2008 8:02 AM CDT

Happy Birthday Brock!!!!! Today you would be 21, if we had been lucky enough to have you with us for this long. You would be a junior in college, probably have the coolest computer ever, and doing something you loved to do.

Your baby sister has started college. Where has the time gone? We miss you every day, and love you forever. Watch for the balloons today! We'll be sending them up, as usual! Love and miss you!!!!!

Peace,
Mom, Dad, and Tessa

Sunday, July 13, 2008 8:47 AM CDT

Hi everyone. Hope the summer months finds you all well and having fun. Our summer can be summed up in one word...BUSY!

Tessa graduated May 30. Graduation was great, and her graduation open house went well. The following Monday and Tuesday she (we) had freshman orientation at Ball State University. She got registered for classes, got her schedule, spent the night in a residence hall, did financial aid and job business, etc. She is now an official college student! :) She is working 3 days a week at the bakery for the summer, but will be working at an on-campus job during the school year. I'm afraid this summer has been pretty boring for her. I think she'll quit at the bakery and take a few weeks off work just to hang out with her friends before school starts. Sounds like a good idea to me!

We closed on our new house June 9th, and got possession of it July 1st. We have been over there pretty much every day since working or cleaning or painting or whatever. It is about 11 miles from where we live now so it's not a huge drive, but it is a pain when you're working there and need something that is here! :) It's finally taking shape though. Carpets get cleaned tomorrow, then the actual moving can begin. I'm hoping to be settled by the end of July. Actually, I HAVE to be settled in by then, because school starts back again August 11. ICK! I can't believe I only have a month left of my summer vacation (which gets shorter every year, btw) and I haven't done any real vacationing! But as soon as August arrives I have to get back into school mode. Stuff to do in my room, a new class to prep for, it will all come barreling back.

Tessa has a cardiology checkup at Riley on the 22nd, so good vibes for that would be appreciated. It is always so hard to go to Riley for me, since we spent so much time there with Brock. Tessa has a gated cardiac MRI and stress tests scheduled, as well as a checkup with the cardiologist. We have to be there at 7 a.m., so I think we will go down and stay the night before. Some shopping and girl bonding will be in order I believe.

Brock's 21st birthday will be August 23. It is going to be a sad one for me, I can tell. I'm already thinking about it. Not that I think he would have changed much at 21, it's just that it is another milestone that he is missing. That is one of the hardest things about him being gone...missing out on all of the special things. Still makes me mad and sad and aggravated at times.

Thanks for stopping by, and have a great rest of the summer! We appreciate everyone keeping our family in their thoughts.

Peace,
LeeAnn

Sunday, May 4, 2008 6:07 PM CDT

Hi everyone. Just a quick update today. Not even sure who still reads this journal, but I can't quite bring myself to close it. Guess I still need that connection sometimes.

The biggest news is.....Tessa graduates from high school in a few weeks!!!! Graduation day is May 30, and we could not possibly be prouder of her. I know that Brock is keeping an eye on her and is proud of her too. She has already gotten a couple of scholarships, with more possibly coming in. We are surely hoping for all we can get! She is headed to Ball State University in the fall to major in telecommunications. She is an amazing young lady and we are so proud of her!

Second big news....we are moving. This is not quite as good a news as Tessa's graduation though. Unfortunately, through no fault of ours, our home has sustained considerable water damage from an outside source and is literally sinking into the ground. We are moving out of necessity, not choice. The house we have found is smaller, which for us is ok since downsizing is not a bad thing! Tessa is not so keen on the idea though, of leaving the house she grew up in. But I know she understands the situation and will adjust with time. She will be living in the dorms at BSU in the fall, so she won't be spending much time at home anyway. Still, it is a hard move to make for all of us.

So that's it from here for now. Thanks for stopping by. If you read this, please take a few moments to sign the guest book. Still makes me feel good to know that people check in with us.

Peace.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008 5:57 PM CDT

Hi everyone. Such crazy, busy times here! I can't even keep up with myself, let alone everyone else! But that is good in a way, I guess.

The first bit of excitement is spring break. We leave Friday to go to San Antonio, Texas. It will be Tessa's senior spring break, and she didn't want to go to Florida (again!), so we picked a random destination that would be interesting, and warmer than Indiana. We are excited to get away for a few days. The weekend after we get back is Tessa's senior prom. She is going with a really nice guy, and I hope she has a great time. She deserves it. We picked up her dress today, and I'm sure she'll look like the princess she is in it!

We are also in the process of looking for a new home. It will be hard to leave this one, where Brock and Tessa grew up, but due to circumstances beyond our control this house has been water damaged beyond repair. It sucks, but we really have no choice but to move. We're just starting the process, but I can already tell it is going to be stressful!!!!!

Tessa graduates from high school only 8 weeks after spring break. Doesn't seem possible. She has been doing a great job applying for scholarships, and has already accepted a couple. The more the better though! Even though Ball State's tuition is reasonable compared to many universities, it is still a stretch to think of coming up with that much money all at once. Cross your fingers for scholarships!

Lynn has also had a change at work. He has accepted a temporary placement as the Plant Manager for the Muncie Post Office. It is a job he is well qualified for, and has basically been doing for a couple of years, he just never "officially" got the recognition for it. It's a little more frantic than his regular job, but I think he's enjoying the change of pace at least for now.

As usual, we miss Brock daily. I'm hoping for a little guidance from him as we look at all these potential new houses. Wanna make sure he's happy with the new place! :) Thanks for keeping up with us. We appreciate it.
Peace,
LeeAnn

Saturday, February 16, 2008 12:31 AM CST

Hi Brock. As unbelievable as it seems, it is 4 years today since you left us here on Earth. In some ways it seems so long ago....so long since we heard your voice, your laugh, held your hand. Yet in other ways it still hurts just as if your leaving was brand new. We love you Brock, and we miss you every day. Thanks for the song on the radio today! :) We love our Superman!!!!!

Peace and Love,
Mom, Dad, and Tessa
<3

Monday, January 28, 2008 9:11 PM CST

Good evening all. Just a quick note to let you all know what is up with us. It is actually quite uneventful around here, for once!

School is going well. We are into our second semester and time seems to be flying by. We are making spring break plans, trying to do something a little different for Tessa's senior spring break. Texas is a state none of us have been to, so it looks like it will be the destination of choice this year. San Antonio, to be exact. Weather, shopping, attractions, and enough history to satisfy my history teacher gene. Hope it turns out well!

Lynn got a nice pat on the back at work, which he definitely deserved! It is a temporary promotion, a "detail" as the Post Office calls it, but he is now actually in charge of operations for the Muncie plant. He has been doing a lot of the work already so it is nice for his to actually get the recognition.

Tessa is up to her elbows in scholarship application, college paperwork, and all the things that go along with finishing her senior year of high school. We could not be prouder of her. She has been through hell and come out of it a beautiful, bright, compassionate, awesome person. I can only hope and pray the life gives her all of the riches she deserves and has worked hard for. Keep your fingers crossed for those scholarships for us! :)

Brock's 4th angel anniversary is coming up way too soon. It is already gnawing at the back of my thoughts. I know I can't change it, but it still is so painful to deal with every year. We love him and miss him just as much today as ever.

Thanks for checking in on us. The next few months will bring so many changes in our lives. Any good vibes will be appreciated!
Peace,
LeeAnn

Monday, December 24, 2007 4:40 PM CST

Merry Christmas Eve everyone! I hope this holiday season finds you and yours safe, happy, and peaceful.

That being said.....we're in the middle of an unexpected Christmas "miracle" of sorts....and NOT the good kind! Apparently our water line has sprung a leak, soaked the floor in our utility closet, and caused the water heater to take an unexpected vacation. Grrrreat! What's a little lack of water amongst family members? Good thing Grandma Susie is in charge of dinner tomorrow....at least we'll get fed, even if we can't shower!

Other than that, the holidays have been busy, as usual. Tessa has been putting in a boatload of hours at the bakery. They opened a temporary store at the Muncie Mall to sell baked goods, popcorn, candy, etc., and she has been working there. She likes it, but I think she's ready for a break during her break from school.

I am thrilled to be on break myself. I have this list of things I would like to accomplish, but if things go as they usually do, my list is bigger than my ability or level of concentration. ;) Lynn has been working his tail off...busiest time of the year for the Post Office, you know. I think he's ready for the stress level to come down some too.

I miss Brock like crazy. Tessa wrote a great essay about him being the most influential person in her life, and used it for a scholarship application. Brock always loved Christmas, and it is still strange to not buy stuff for him. I hope he is looking down at knowing how much we wish he was physically here. We love you Brock! Merry Christmas!
Peace,
LeeAnn

Thursday, December 6, 2007 8:34 PM CST

Happy Holidays all! I can't believe Christmas is SO close! I have to be honest and say that I'm not really in the mood this year. I have offered several times to just skip the whole deal, plant myself on a beach somewhere, and just forget it. But for some reason no one else here will take me up on that offer!

School is almost out for break. I am truly looking forward to it. It has been a busy, stressful fall and I am glad to have some time off. Tessa is really enjoying her job at the bakery and is stashing away some cash too! Not a bad deal!

BIG NEWS for Tessa! She has been accepted into college! YAY! Not that we thought it would be a problem, but it was very exciting for her to receive that packet in the mail making her an official college student! She plans to go to Ball State University here in Muncie and major in Telecommunications. She wants to study radio broadcasting. Finally, a chance to get paid for all the talking she does! ;) Congratulation Tessa! We are VERY proud of you, and I'm sure Brock is too! Now, get some scholarships!!!!!

Thank you for stopping by to check in on us. My wish for all of us this holiday season is peace, love, and happiness, in all it's forms.

Peaceful holidays,
LeeAnn

Saturday, October 27, 2007 5:53 PM CDT

Wow, I suck big time at keeping this thing updated these days! If you check here often, please forgive me. Really, honestly, it's NOT that I don't think of Brock every day, but sometimes writing down what I feel gets hard. But I'll keep on trying!

We just finished Fall break at school. It was certainly nice to have 4 days off. We did some work around the house, trying to get it ready to possibly list it for sale after the holidays. The housing market here in Indiana is as bad as it is in other places around the country, so we're keeping our fingers crossed that this is the right thing to do. It will be hard, since this is the house our kids grew up in, but with Tessa graduating this spring (with straight A's, I might add!) and going off to college it seems like a good time to make a move. Time will tell I guess.

Speaking of Tessa, she has been interning at a bakery in Muncie and loves it. She loves to cook, especially baking, and is even thinking of possibly having a culinary minor in college. Well, apparently she is doing quite well as an unpaid high school intern, so they offered her a for real, paying, part time job! Whoo hoo! My entertainment budget may have just lowered significantly! :) Today was her first day to work for pay, 8 straight hours, and she is a tired girl! She likes it though, so that is a good thing. The owner told us today that he would like to keep her on part-time while she is in college. Sounds like a plan to me!

Not much else going on here. School, Tessa, Lynn, and the gym are pretty much where my time goes. :) Thank you all for continuing to check Brock's website and leave us messages, even though I'm really bad at updating anymore. I still look at it frequently, even if I don't have the where with all to actually write something. We still, and will always, appreciate everyone remembering us and Brock.
Peace,
LeeAnn

Thursday, August 23, 2007 5:57 AM CDT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BROCK! Just like in the Beatles song, "it was 20 years ago today......". I can't believe you would be 20 today! Wow, I feel really old. ;) I also can't believe you have been gone over 3 years now. It seems so much more recent than that. I still listen for you to come in the door sometimes. I wonder what you would be doing at college and in life. But I am so thankful and glad to have had you in my life for the years you were here. You were an awesome person and you don't know how much you touched everyone's life around you.

Happy birthday son. Watch for the balloons today! We love you!

Peace,
Mom, Dad, and Tessa

Monday, July 23, 2007 6:21 PM CDT

Hi everyone. Man, it has been quite a while since I updated this page! Sorry, it certainly doesn't mean that I value all of your support any less, but sometimes things just don't go as you plan....as you all know!

Summer has been great around here. We took a vacation to Destin, FL with the Ervins at the end of June. We spent July 4 on the beach watching fireworks from our beach chairs. Further confirmation for me that I should spend EVERY 4th of July on the beach for the rest of my days! It was awesome. Our condo was very nice, and we really enjoyed the company of our friends. Again, couldn't find a good reason to come home! Tessa did a college visit at University of West Florida while we were there and we both really liked it. She may consider transferring down there in a couple of years. Anyone from around Pensacola? Would love some inside info on the area!

We are taking another trip to FL next week, this time to West Palm Beach. It is just the 3 of us this time. This was actually our "scheduled" family vacation for the summer, the Destin trip just happened to be a nice bit of luck. This will be our last escape for the summer. School starts back here August 13. It just gets earlier every year it seems like. Tessa will be a senior and is already getting tons of mail from colleges. Can't wait to see what she chooses....and how we're going to pay for it!

Please send good thoughts to our friend Cory Thomas. He had brain surgery last week to correct a (thankfully) non-cancerous defect. He did well, but it was a complicated surgery. His mom Nancy is our school nurse and was SO very helpful with Brock during his days at school. Please keep the Thomas family in your thoughts, as well as my friend Kim who will begin her second battle with breast cancer on Thursday.

Peace,
LeeAnn

Sunday, June 3, 2007 8:37 PM CDT

Hi everyone. Summer has finally arrived at the Barnard homestead. School ended for Tessa and I last Thursday....whew! We had to go 5 days longer than originally scheduled due to snow days back in February, which made for a very long last couple of weeks of school. The break was kind of nice in February but trust me, I would really have preferred being out of school 5 days earlier NOW than back then....especially since I personally could do without the entire month of February all together!

Even though school is out, we don't seem to have slowed down much here. Lynn's hours at work have been "temporarily" changed, at least for a month. Instead of working regular day hours, he will be working some evenings. Quite a change for a man his age! ;) But I'm sure he'll get through it fine. Tessa is still busy. She will be a senior next year, and has already started looking at colleges and majors. Her SAT scores were excellent, so college admission won't be a problem unless she chooses Harvard or Yale, which I don't think will happen. I'm so very proud of her. Both she and Brock did well in school, and I hope she finds a major that she will enjoy in college (and that will pay her bills!). I have some major cleaning and decluttering projects planned, but who knows how those will come out. I may just lollygag around for the summer, you never know.

Missing Brock a lot right now. He would be (SHOULD BE) coming home from college for the summer, hanging out with his friends, having fun. I can't believe he would be turning 20 this summer. How time flies.......

Thanks for stopping by. We appreciate all the folks who stop by here. Until next time.....

Peace,
LeeAnn

Sunday, May 13, 2007 9:21 AM CDT

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers in my life. Thank you Brock and Tessa for making me your mother. I love you both and am so proud of both of you. Being your mom has been the best time in my life. Love you long time!

Peace,
Mom

Sunday, April 1, 2007 6:29 PM CDT

Hi all. Well, we have come to the end of another spring break, our 4th without Brock. We didn't really travel this year as we have in the past. We did take a 3 day trip to Cincinnati, about 2 hours south of here. We did the zoo, Newport Aquarium, ate and shopped. Nothing exciting but it was nice to get away for a few days. The weather was lovely, temps in the 80's, so it made it nice to be out around the Ohio River.

8 weeks of school left for us. We had to add 5 snow days on to the end of our school year so we are getting out later than normal, but nothing we can do about it. I am a senior class sponsor, so my friend Rebekah and I are in charge of putting together graduation. A much less daunting task than pulling off prom last year! The prom is this weekend, and Tessa is going with a group of friends. Her dress is beautiful, and she is excited to go. And I get to go to, just to watch, since I'm not in charge this year!

We continue to miss Brock every day. He would have liked the trip to Cincinnati....lots of sports stuff there and he was a sports fan big time! Thanks for continuting to check on us. We continue down our path, day to day.

Peace,
LeeAnn

Thursday, February 15, 2007 7:44 PM CST

Dear Brock,

It is nighttime and I am staring at the clock, anticipating the 3rd anniversary of your leaving us. I am missing you hugely! I am mad that you aren't here. I am lonely, missing your smile, your laugh, your sense of humor. Some days are easier now, but some are just as hard as they were 3 years ago. Your last days play over and over in my mind. I remember everything, but it seems like I can't remember anything. Sometimes it just hurts too much to even think about, but trust me, you are always on my mind and in my heart. I love you son, forever and always, and I miss you terribly. I hope you are at peace.....

Love you,
Mom

Thursday, January 18, 2007 8:30 PM CST

Happy New Year everyone! Sorry the greeting is a little late, but time seems to drift away anymore. Day to day, that's how it goes.

Happy Birthday to Tessa too! She turned 17 on Jan. 10. My baby girl is so grown up! It was a big week for her. She got her braces off Jan. 8, so that was kind of an early birthday present for her. She looks beautiful! She still has a tooth positioner that she is supposed to wear nightly for 6 weeks to help settle things in, but the wires and brackets are gone! Yay Tessa!

The second semester of school has started and seems to be flying by. I have kind of a challenging schedule this semester, but hopefully I will adjust. If not it's going to be a LONG few months. Homecoming is in a couple of weeks, and since I am one of the Senior Class sponsors I have to supervise the building of the senior homecoming float. That will tie up a few of my evenings.

Not really much else going on here. If you have seen the new CBS show "Armed and Famous" it takes place in Muncie, about 4 miles from here! We are addicted to it, just to see if we know anyone getting in trouble. Kinda funny if you watch it.

Thank to all who continue to check on us. Brock's 3rd angel day is coming up soon, and truthfully it is hitting me very hard. Can't really describe it succinctly, but just tough to bear. Will post more later. We appreciate your support!

Peace,
LeeAnn

Monday, December 25, 2006 10:00 AM CST

Merry Christmas Brock! We love and miss you always! I can't believe this is the 3rd Christmas without you here with us. It sucks. But I know you are always with us in our hearts and minds. Please keep an eye on us, you know we need it!

And Merry Christmas to all our friends who continue to stop by and check on us. We love and appreciate you all!

Peace,
LeeAnn, Lynn, and Tessa

Saturday, November 18, 2006 5:29 PM CST

So many angels.....and for what reason?????

I'm writing today with a heavier than usual heart. It seems that many new young people are being taken from us lately, their families robbed of their smiles, love, and laughter. And I'm mad about it!!!!!

A wonderful young lady from our small town was killed Wednesday night in a needless car accident. She evidently did everything she could possibly do to avoid the car that came across the center line and right at her, even heading to the ditch to try not to be hit. But still the car slammed into her, killing her instantly. Again, I ask WHY??? And again, I am denied a useful answer.

I have also "met", via the internet, several new cancer angels. With each new loss, the anger in me returns. The never answered question of "why" still runs through my head. I suspect it will remain unanswered forever.

So, if you would, please remember Alyssa and her family and friends in your good thoughts and prayers. Far too many good kids are dying too young, and she is one of them. Thanks for stopping by and thinking of us, especially with the holiday season fast approaching. We appreciate your good thoughts.

Peace,
LeeAnn

Tuesday, October 17, 2006 4:59 PM CDT

Hi all. Just a quick note to let you all know that we haven't dropped off the face of the earth! :) I just don't seem to have the wherewithall to update very often. :(

Things are ok here. We are having some home maintainence issues that we are trying to get fixed. Lynn and I both hate dealing with that kind of stuff so it is a pain for us all. Hopefully we can get things taken care of before the snow starts to fly here in Indiana!

School is flying by. Fall break is this weekend but we don't have any fun plans. Tessa is working 2 of the 4 days so she's not planning much either. She is enjoying the paycheck, but getting a little frustrated with the job. I think her best plan is to marry well!!!! :)

My friend Kim is done with 4 of her 6 chemo treatments. Please continue to remember her and send good vibes her way. It is a tough regimine, and I'm sure she can use all the karma she can get.

Thanks for stopping by to check in on us. We continue to move forward in baby steps. The upcoming holidays will be tough, as usual, but we'll manage. Peace!

LeeAnn

Sunday, September 10, 2006 2:54 PM CDT

Hi everyone. Just a quick note to say thanks to everyone who remembered Brock on his birthday. We had our usual celebration....sparklers and balloons and singing and silliness. A good way to celebrate his life.

Things here are moving along "normally". School started August 15th, and Tessa is a junior this year. She is working a couple of evenings a week at Target, and is enjoying having a little of her own money to spend. I am teaching the same subjects as last year, health and world history, so I didn't have to do much changing of my plans for this year. At my age that's a good thing!

It was hard to see Brock's friends go off to college though. For me it was even harder than watching them graduate because it reminded me again of a new adventure in life that he's missing. That is a hard thing to take....knowing how much he is missing out on. Makes me angry sometimes.

Thanks again for stopping by. Please continue to remember my friend Kim as she continues her chemo for breast cancer. So far she is doing well, and we're all pleased about that. Keep the good vibes coming!

Peace,
LeeAnn

Wednesday, August 23, 2006 9:26 AM CDT

Happy birthday son! You would be 19 today....off to college, no doubt. We miss you and love you forever!!!!!!

Peace,
Mom, Dad, and Tessa

Sunday, August 13, 2006 7:50 PM CDT

Hi everyone. Hope you all had a great summer! For me though, summer has come to an abrupt end. School starts tomorrow for the teachers, then the kids come on Tuesday. Another year of educating young minds! :)

It will be a strange year though. I am so used to having Brock's friends around, and since they graduated last spring I'm afraid I'll feel a little lost. Tessa will be a junior so I still have lots of kids around that I know, but it will still not seem quite right!

Tessa is not playing volleyball this year.....NOT by her choice, I might add. It was a tough thing for her to accept, but so far she has. I'm trying to keep my feelings to myself about it as much as possible, but we'll see....if you know me you know that keeping my mouth shut is NOT one of my strong points! :)

She did get a part-time job at Target though (our FAVORITE store!) and is liking that. Looks like about 3 evenings a week, which will hopefully keep her in gas and entertainment money. Mom and Dad are thrilled!

Brock's birthday is coming up on the 23rd. We will probably do the balloon launch and act silly at the cemetery like we have done in the past. I can't believe he would be 19 and going off to college. I also can't believe he has been gone 2 1/2 years. Sometimes I look at my life and wonder if all this is real, or if I am dreaming it!

That's about it from here. Gotta get myself ready for SCHOOL tomorrow. Please keep our friends Jeff and Kim in your thoughts. Jeff just returned from Russia and a 3rd round of stem cell injections for his paralysis. Kim has had her first round of treatments for breast cancer. I'm sure they would both appreciate the support.

Peace,
LeeAnn

Saturday, July 22, 2006 3:19 PM CDT

Hi all. Another lazy summer day here at our house. Tessa is at a baseball game (her new favorite sport to watch!) and Lynn is working outside. I am doing a whole lot of nothing, which I have gotten very good at this summer! :)

About the only thing we have accomplished around here, besides volleyball workouts for Tessa, has been to finally get some organization in Brock's room. For the last 2 years it has kind of been our catch all place and we had not yet gotten ourselves to go in there and clean, sort and organize. Well, a week or so ago we finally did it. We had already taken out most of the clothes that were special to us so Tessa rounded up what was left and folded them to go to be donated. We also bought a weight bench and put in there, and I am going to take my workout videos up there to have a quiet place to exercise. All of Brock's stuff is still in there, but I think he would approve of the use of the space. It is nice to go by there and have the door open and see the room in some sort of order.

School starts in just 3 weeks......ick! I love my job, but summer spoils me so badly! I love having time to myself and just being lazy. I guess I should have been born rich instead of so darn cute!!! ;) Once school starts volleyball season starts too, so we will be off to the races once again. Tessa will be a junior, busier than ever I'm guessing.

Well, that's about all from here. Please keep my friend Kim in your thoughts and prayers. She has been diagnosed with breast cancer and will undergo pretty intensive chemo. I know she can use the good vibes!

Peace,
LeeAnn

Wednesday, June 21, 2006 1:15 PM CDT

Hi everyone. Hope you all are enjoying the summer weather. I know I am! I HATE the cold so much, I am always ready for warm weather, and it seems to have made it's way to Indiana big time! Had some nasty thunderstorms this morning that brought Tessa downstairs in a hurry! At least one bolt of lightning hit VERY close to our house.

I am so far enjoying a pretty lazy summer, but I think that may change sometime soon! ;) Lynn has a couple of project ideas for our house that really need done, and I suppose he is going to expect me to help. Ick!

Tessa is still doing volleyball conditioning and summer practices. She is NOT a morning person and most of her volleyball is at 8 in the morning so it has been rough on her. She is enjoying her driving freedom, however, spending quite a bit of time running around with her friends. That's what being a kid is about though, right? Carefree teenage days, goofing off with friends. Boy, who doesn't remember those? :)

Thanks for checking in with us. We are really not up to a whole lot. Just regular daily stuff. Keep Brock and our family in your thoughts and prayers. We are always appreciative of them!

Peace,
LeeAnn

Monday, June 5, 2006 3:40 PM CDT

Hi all. Just got back from a family trip to Gatlinburg. My entire extended family shared a cabin for a week, and there was no blood shed! Pretty impressive! :)

Graduation was wonderful. I cried like a baby during the slide show presentation, which of course I did at the athletic senior night too, but it was really a nice tribute to Brock and the other seniors. I made it through my speech, evidently pretty coherently, because I had several comments of congratulations after it was over with. We were presented with Brock's cap and gown, and a memorial diploma. All in all a beautiful evening.

We are out of school for the summer now, and Tessa has started summer volleyball conditioning. Today was her first day, and she if feeling it! :) The other girls were going last week too, but with us being on vacation she is a bit behind. I'm sure the physical activity will do her good....just not necessarily at 8:00 in the morning! :)

Please keep our friend Jeff in your prayers. He is back in Moscow receiving a second round of stem cell injections for his paralysis. Keep hoping those little guys find their way to the correct location! Thanks for checking in....ready for summer here!

Peace,
LeeAnn

Wednesday, May 24, 2006 7:51 PM CDT

Hi all. Thanks so much to all of the many people who have visited this website over the last few year. I'm really not thinking of taking it down, but I do notice that my posts are becoming less frequent. The adoption of a new kind of "normal" routine I guess. But at any rate, thanks for sticking with us! :)

Mother's Day was ok. Unfortunately I was cursed with an inner ear infection which gave me heinous vertigo! I was spinning (literally!) out of control for nearly 2 weeks! It is better now, with only occasional bouts of dizziness. So the festivities were short, dinner at my sister in law's house, then back home so I could sit still. I thought about Brock a lot, and hugged Tessa as much as I could. Not very profound, but do-able.

Our next hurdle, and final school related function, the graduation ceremony Friday night for Brock's class. I am giving a very short speech, then I will ask Lynn and Tessa to join me onstage, along with the families of Brandon and Nicole, their other two classmates who have been lost to car accidents. We will be presented with their caps and gowns, instead of diplomas. Everyone at school, the class sponsors, my principal, the students, everyone wanted Brock and the other kids remembered. It will be tough, but very necessary not only for us, but for the kids too.

So, if you would please, send up a prayer or good thought for us all on Friday! Not only will our families need it, but truly everyone in Emens Auditorium will need strength to get through this. Thanks for caring!

peace,
LeeAnn

Tuesday, May 9, 2006 12:49 AM CDT

Wow, Mother's Day.....hadn't really thought about that one! I've survived two without him already, but I hadn't really considered the fact that this one is coming up so soon! Dang! Have to start gearing up for that I guess. :(

We will be presenting 4 scholarships this year in Brock's memory at Honors Night on Thursday. Normally we will give 1 per year, but since this is his graduating class we wanted to do more, and thanks to Nancy and all her helpers we have a nice sum of money to work with this year. I had 2 criteria on the application form, and applicants could choose which one they wanted to write an essay on. One was what hardships that, like Brock, they had faced in their lives. The other was how had Brock influenced their lives. We got lots of good applications, and choosing was hard. I hope the recipients know how much this means to us.

Graduation is quickly approaching, and I am still hoping for the strength to get through my short speech. I guess my strategy may be just not look up, read from the paper, and sit back down. Who knows though???????

Tessa will be finishing her sophomore year shortly, and beginning summer volleyball. As usual her grades are excellent and we are very proud of her. Today is the day that her 90 days probationary period expires for her drivers license and she can now drive with other people in the car. Not quite sure how I feel about that! She is a good driver, but as we all know teenagers are easily distractable and I worry about that. Some good friends of hers were in an accident a week ago and it is really scary. I hope she keeps that in mind!

Thanks for checking in. Send me any and all good thoughts over the next couple of weeks....we can surely use them!

Peace,
LeeAnn

Friday, April 7, 2006 8:18 PM CDT

Hi everyone. Sorry it has been awhile between updates. Some days nothing is happening, and other days everything is happening....for some reason I can't seem to find a happy medium!

Our spring break trip to Florida was wonderful....as usual I was hard pressed to find a good reason to come home. The weather was great, we got some quality pool time in (a requirement for me!), made a day trip to Cocoa Beach to get our feet in the sand, shopped, and visited Universal Islands of Adventure. (No offense to anyone who works at Universal, but it was not the best theme park we've ever been to!) The older I get, the more I REALLY think that I need to end up living down south. The Indiana-gray skies are really getting to me!!!

Only 33 days of school left for this year....it is almost unbelieveable! I have gotten several applications for Brock's scholarship, and we are looking through them now to choose recipients. Thanks to Nancy and the Brock team who put on the Brock Scholarship/Riley benefit, we have a good chunk of money to split between the scholarship fund and Riley hospital. Unofficial total is around $4,000.00. Thanks so much to everyone who helped out in any way! We intended to give 1 scholarship per year, but I think with this extra money, plus the fact that this is Brock's graduating class, we will be giving more than one this year. I am excited about that.

On to graduation.....how will that go??? I am looking forward to it with a combination of anticipation and dread. I am so proud of all Brock's friends, the ones I have known since they were little kids, seeing them graduate and move out into the world. BUT....of course, a HUGE chunk of my life is going to be missing from the ceremony! How do I handle that???? I am giving a short address to the class, hopefully staying on my feet for it and not hitting the floor! I worry about Tessa too...I know it will be hard for her too. But she is such a big hearted gal, I think she will be ok.

That's about it from here for now. A few more weeks of school and we can take a well deserved break. Thanks, as always, for continuing to check in on us. Keep us in your hearts and prayers as we cross yet another of these tough bridges in our lives!

Peace,
LeeAnn

Thursday, March 23, 2006 5:14 PM CST

Hi. Spring break is upon us, and Orlando is the destination of the year. I am really looking forward to seeing some sun and palm trees! The sun has been somewhat scarce in Indiana lately.

The benefit for Brock's scholarship and the Riley Children's Cancer Center was awesome last Saturday! All of the events were well attended and we really appreciate that. I didn't win at Vera Bradley/Longaberger bingo, but what the heck. I was also 0-5 shooting in the faculty vs. seniors basketball game that night, but oh well. At least I didn't fall down or stroke out.....that was a BIG plus for me! :) The faculty at my school was great, showing their support by playing in the game. We got our butts kicked by those senior boys, but it was a lot of fun. It did take a HOT bath and a day of rest to allow me to walk upright again however!!!!! Again, I want to thank Nurse Nancy and all the people who worked so hard to put this day together. I don't have a total yet, but when I do I'll let you all know.

Thanks so much for continuing to check in on us. Once again, we go off on vacation without Brock, but unfotunately we are getting more used to it. We are planning a day trip to Cocoa Beach, so we will write our messages to him in the sand like we have done before. Keep us in your good thoughts!

Peace, LeeAnn

Wednesday, March 8, 2006 5:45 PM CST

Hi everyone. Hope all is well with all our friends. Things here are going ok. Tessa is driving regularly now, and doing a good job. We are getting ready for our spring break trip to Orlando the last week of this month. With the unpredictable Indiana weather, I am ready for a major dose of sunshine!

Made it through Senior Night with the basketball team a couple of weeks ago. Brock was honored along with the other seniors on the team. We walked out with Matt Reese, one of Brock's best friends, and his family. They talked about Matt, then Brock. The entire gym gave Brock a standing ovation. That, of course, brought me to tears. Later, there was a reception for players, parents, and friends, complete with a senior slide show. I cried again during the slide show, but it was good to see Brock remembered along with his friends and teammates.

Our friend Nurse Nancy and a fabulous committee of Brock pals has worked tirelessly putting together a day of fun and activities on Saturday, March 18 to honor Brock, raise money for his scholarship, and raise money for Riley Kids Caring and Sharing. It is a way for us to contribute money to Riley Childrens Cancer Center. I don't remember if I mentioned this or not but Brock's oncologist, Dr. Jeff Goldman, passed away a few weeks ago of cancer. We will contribute money in honor of both Brock and Dr. G. The day includes a pancake breakfast, 5k run/walk, Vera Bradley/Longaberger basket bingo, euchre, faculty/senior basketball games, and dances. I am excited to be a part of it.

Finally, I invite you to visit www.impossibleisnothing.wordpress.com. It is the web blog of our friend Jeff Snell, who was paralyzed last May in a car wreck just a few days before graduation. Jeff is in Russia receiving stem cell treatments for his paralysis. Please visit Jeff's site, leave a comment of encouragement, and send good thoughts his way. They will be in Russia for a couple more weeks. Thanks for stopping by!

Peace,
LeeAnn

Monday, February 20, 2006 4:18 PM CST

Hi everyone. Thanks so much for all the words of encouragement and rememberance on Brock's second angel day. It meant a lot to us!

We spent the day very low key. It was somewhat "easier" than last year, although I don't really know if that is the right term or not. Tessa and I went to school and Lynn went to work, as usual. After we all got home, we, along with Prissy, went out to the cemetery. We were going to take flowers but the wind was absolutely fierce that day, and I was afraid they would end up who knows where, so we skipped that. We only had a little time at the cemetery before it started to rain. Lynn had kind of a cool idea. The headstones at Gardens of Memory are flat, with a vase that stores down inside the stone. When you take the vase out to set it up there is a hole underneath. Lynn thought we should put pennies in there, since we didn't have flowers. We all scrambled through our change, and Prissy found some 1987's (his birth year) and some 2004's (his passing year). We dropped the pennies in and put the vase back. Kinda cool! Dinner at BW3 ended the evening. We made it through, that's what counts!

Thanks again for keeping us in your thoughts! We have several more "Brock moments" coming up this spring so keep the good thoughts coming!

Peace,
LeeAnn

Thursday, February 16, 2006 2:52 PM CST

Today marks 2 years since Brock left us. Our lives are so empty in so many ways! He should be 18, loving life, living it to it's fullest!

We miss you Brock, and love you forever! Keep an eye on us, especially your little sister with her new drivers license! Fly high Superman!

Peace!

Love you,
Mom, Dad, and Tessa

Sunday, February 12, 2006 4:52 PM CST

SHE DID IT!!!! Congratulations to Tessa.....she passed her drivers test on Thursday, making her a real live, legal, licensed driver!!! Whoo hoo! Now, where are my nerve meds??? :)

Made it through a couple of Brock-related things last week. First, I had to pick photos and write a blurb for his senior ad in the yearbook. I chose one of my favorite pics of him, taken shortly after his brain surgery in Oct. 2003. Thanks Melinda, for getting it put together for the yearbook! Then, there was homecoming. The theme was Superheros, and of course the senior class chose Superman. I will upload some pics shortly, but they are on our other computer so I will have to do it from there. Their float was AWESOME, and won the float competition. They also paid tribute to Nicole and Brandon on their float, 2 other classmates they have lost to car accidents. I am now the proud owner of the giant plywood Superman from the float, which the custodians at school are going to hang on my wall for me. Thanks!

Update: I got the homecoming float photo uploaded, but it is HUGE! Sorry!

This week will be difficult. Brock's second angel anniversary is Thursday. I think we will keep it low key...not a celebration like his birthday in August with the sparklers and singing and general silliness. Tessa and I are both going to school, which we didn't do last year. Then later we will take flowers to the cemetery and have dinner at BW3. Thanks Tessa and Prissy for helping me work out the plan. You are good helpers! :)

Got blasted with snow this weekend here in Indiane, which I HATE!!!! I am SO ready for spring! Looking forward to our spring break trip to Orlando with the Ervins. Give ma some sun, a palm tree, and flip flops, and I am in my element.

Thanks for checking in with us. We are plugging along. Very busy, it seems, but sometimes not busy enough. Peace!
LeeAnn

Saturday, January 21, 2006 8:09 PM CST

Hi everyone. Well, we made it.....Tessa turned 16 a few days ago! Whoo hoo! Now just a few weeks until she can get that all-important drivers license! As little as she is home now, we may have to wake her up in the middle of the night just to talk to her! :)

Everything else is ok. School is flying by, gearing up for a busy time for me. I have a student teacher with me this semester, which means A LOT of paperwork to do! Also, I am one of the sponsors for the junior class, and we have to do a float for homecoming (no football team at our school, so we have a basketball homecoming) AND put on the prom! Several things are in the works to honor Brock too, as his class graduates this spring. Our good friend Nurse Nancy is spearheading a basketball fundraiser next month to raise money for both Riley Hospital and to award a memorial scholarship in Brock's name. We have a scholarship set up, thanks to my parents, but this is going to be a one-time separate gift for a member of his class. Nancy has put together a wonderful team of people who knew Brock well and cared deeply about him, so I'm sure it will be an awesome event! Thank you Nancy!

As the second anniversary of Brock's passing approaches I am filled with a variety of thoughts and emotions. I can't even begin to describe them here, at least until I have sorted them out a bit more. I don't know what we will do to mark the day, but it is much harder to acknowledge that day than it is his birthday with the balloons and sparklers! I am quite certain, however, that I have had some spiritual visits from him (those of you who don't believe in that stuff can skip down to the next paragraph!). I'm not a religious person by nature, but I have felt several times his presence with me, or seen things that I am pretty sure are signs from him. They are always a comfort, not nearly as much so has his physical presence, but I'll take what I can get! :)

Next on our "excitement agenda" is our spring break trip. Since Prissy is a senior this year, and her college schedule won't fit with ours from now on, this will probably be our last spring break trip with the Ervins. We are headed to Orlando this time....hoping for some nice weather, quality pool time, and overpriced tourist attractions! :) At least ONE of those is a sure bet.......

As always, thanks for stopping by and keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. We truly appreciate the continued support. Remember, Tessa gets her license next month, so step up the prayers! :)

Peace, LeeAnn

Saturday, December 31, 2005 7:23 PM CST

Hi everyone. In a few short hours we will say goodbye to yet another year. Where does the time go? Tessa will be 16 in 10 days, with a license to drive following a month later. I'm certainly feeling old right about now......

I can't believe Brock has been physically gone from us for nearly 2 years. I know his spirit lives on though, through us, his friends, and the people he touched, and for that I am thankful. We continue to miss him more than words can say. Thank you so much for continuing to check in on us, and to keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

I wish you all a happy and peaceful 2006!

Peace, LeeAnn

Saturday, December 24, 2005 8:20 PM CST

Merry Christmas Son! I hope your spirit is flying high tonight, looking over us as we go on about our lives without you here. We love you and miss you!!!!!

Peace,
Mom, Dad and Tessa

Tuesday, December 13, 2005 6:00 PM CST

Hi everyone. Hope you are gearing up for the holidays, however you choose to celebrate them. Things here are ok. I personally can't muster up a lot of holiday spirit, but I'm doing the best I can. Random retail therapy...I have been doing a lot of that. Tessa is pumped....she is working 10-15 hours a week, giving her just enough spending money to be dangerous. :) The next few weeks will be cool for her....Christmas, New Years, and then her 16th birthday!!! Keep your fingers crossed for us! :)

The Conseco Fieldhouse game was very cool.....Brock would really have loved it. We didn't win, but the chance to play in an arena that size was awesome for the guys. We are going back to Conseco next week for a Pacer's game as part of a night sponsored by the Post Office, where Lynn works. I love going there so that will be a fun night.

Only 4 1/2 days of school left for this semester. I have NO idea where the time has gone! Only 1 semester left till Brock's class graduates.....not sure how I'm feeling about that. We've had one snow day already, as we got hammered with snow last Thursday. ICK! I am so NOT a winter person! Where is that tiki hut again??????

As always, thanks for checking in on us and continuing to celebrate Brock's amazing life. Lynn, Tessa and I really appreciate the opportunity to continue to share his memory with so many people.

Peace, LeeAnn

Saturday, November 19, 2005 6:09 PM CST

Hi everyone. Here is is, almost a month between postings. Sorry about the lapse, but it seems to be my normal time span now.

Things are going ok. I am having the tendency to think too much right now, with the holidays approaching. I don't know why that is making a difference in my thought process, but it is. Kind of hard to explain.......it's not like I miss him more now than any other time, it just feels worse during the holidays I guess. Too darn much cheer around!!!!!

I wrote in my last posting that there were some suggestions for honoring Brock and his two deceased classmates at graduation. Well, here is what I think is going to happen. Their three chairs will be left empty on the stage at the graduation ceremony, with a cap and gown draped across each one. After the diplomas are awarded to the graduates, the cap and gowns are going to be given to Brock, Brandon, and Nicole's families. Hoping I can make it through that!

Tessa has started dance full swing now that volleyball is over. She takes two dance classes, and practices 2 days a week with the high school dance team. AND....(read in some excitement here!)...she started a Christmas season job today! YAY!!! She worked for some friends of ours at their fireworks store during July, and they asked if she would be interested in working at the kiosk they set up during the holiday season at our mall, selling ornaments and stuff like that. OF COURSE she was interested! Takes some of the pressure off mom and dad to finance her entertainment budget, AND she gets to hang out at the mall! How cool is that for an almost-16 year old girl! :)

Our basketball team has a very cool opportunity this Wednesday. They are playing a game down in Indianapolis at Conseco Field House, home of the Indiana Pacers! It is called the KeyBank Tipoff Classic, and Brock would have LOVED it! We are going, the dance team is dancing, and our band and cheerleaders are doing their thing! Hoping like crazy that Brock looks down and enjoys the evening too!

Well, that is about all from here. As usual, I will try to make more timely updates, but again, as usual, I can't promise anything! Thanks so much for continuing to check in on us!

Peace, LeeAnn

Sunday, October 23, 2005 9:40 PM CDT

Hi everyone. Been about a month since my last entry, so I thought I should put a little something new here! Things are going ok for us. Fall is usually my favorite time of year, but a little depressing too, as the days get shorter and the darkness longer.

Volleyball is over for this season. The Wapahani Raider girls volleyball team won the Delaware County Tournament a few weeks ago, and had a successful season, with JV and varsity both having winning records. The season came to an end last night however, with a loss in the final round of sectional play. Great season girls! Now we have a little break until basketball starts. Tessa doesn't play basketball, but the dance team performs at several games.

We have been on fall break this weekend. We had Friday off from school, so Tessa and I and Molly and Prissy took a shopping day to Indianapolis. Big fun! We are off tomorrow too, so it has been a nice break. Always look forward to those little breaks from school!

Speaking of school, thanks to everyone who made suggestions regarding remembering Brock and the other 2 kids from his class at graduation. I think they are going to do a couple of nice things for the 3 families, which will be a good tribute to the kids. The plans are still in the works, but as soon as they are finalized I will post them. Thanks again for all the suggestions!

That is about it from here. Thanks so much for continuing to visit Brock's site. It is so important to us that his memory live on. Please keep my colleague Jason Hunt and his family in your good thougts and prayers....his 4 month old daughter Aiden passed away this week from complications from heart surgery. It is a difficult time for them and they can use the good vibes. Peace......
LeeAnn

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 6:51 PM CDT

Hi everyone. Sorry it has been so long between entries, but really nothing much is going on here. School is going ok for both Tessa and I. We had ISTEP/GQE testing last week....Tessa took the GQE and I administered ISTEP to freshmen. A fog delay on Wednesday kind of messed up the schedule, but everything worked out fine. Back to our regular routine of school and volleyball this week. The volleyball team continues to do well, and Tessa seems to be getting stronger each game. County Tourney is coming up this week, so good luck to the varsity girls as they battle for the county championship!

The subject of graduation came up at school the other day, and got me thinking. Brock would have graduated this year, and his classmates would like to do something to remember him, and two other classmates they have lost, at graduation. They asked me for suggestions, and I was blank. If anyone out there has any suggestions for me, I would really appreciate it! I don't seem to be able to think that far ahead anymore!

Thanks so much to the folks who continue to check in on us. I know it has been over a year and a half since Brock passed away, and some days are still bad for us. Many days are better though, and that is a blessing. As I read the posts from the parents on my online support group I realize that this is an ongoing process.....one step forward and two steps back. I am also always shocked and saddened when a new member joins our group, as that means another family has to walk this walk. It is strangely comforting, however, to realize that we are not alone. NOT that I would wish this on ANYONE, but it does help to know that others share our dilemna. So, for everyone who continues to check Brock's website, thank you so much! It means everything to us that Brock NEVER is forgotten! Peace.....

Monday, September 5, 2005 6:56 PM CDT

HI everyone. Thanks to everyone who posted or emailed or thought about us on Brock's birthday. It went well, all things considered. Tessa and I took balloons to school to put on Brock's memorial bench. The basketball team had a flower arrangement there too, and by afternoon another balloon bouquet appeared from Pastor Jim and Harris Chapel. Tessa had a volleyball game (they won!) and was able to leave after the junior varsity match. (Thanks Erica!) We (Lynn, Tessa, Prissy and I) met my parents out at the cemetery with the balloons and sparklers. We wrote notes on the balloons and set them free, then lit the sparklers and acted like goofballs, singing happy birthday and our school song. :) Dinner at Taco Bell ended the evening, where we ended up running into some of Brock and Tessa's friends. All in all, it was an ok day. I try really hard to keep his birthday a celebration day, because that is what it is. Not that I don't miss him like crazy that day, but I try to focus on how lucky I was to have him for as long as I did, and how glad I am that he was in my life.

As far as life here goes, we are up to our eyebrows in volleyball! Tessa is doing really well this season playing on the junior varsity team, especially considering that this time last year she was totally restricted from physical activity due to her back surgery. Strength is her major issue, which will come back in time with volleyball workouts, gym class, and weight lifting. 2-3 games a week for about 2 months, and practice on the days in between keep us busy. I don't mind though, as volleyball is one of my favorite sports. I am glad to see her smiling and playing and hanging out with her friends.

We accomplished a whole lot of nothing this Labor Day weekend. Volleyball tournament on Saturday, a little shopping on Sunday, basic household stuff today. The 3 day weekend just flew by, and its back to school tomorrow. We are settling into our regular routine and it is kind of a comfort. Thanks to everyone who continues to check on us. Please sign the guestbook if you are here. Have a great week!

Tuesday, August 23, 2005 6:09 AM CDT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BROCK!!!!!!

18 years ago today, you came into this world a little earlier than planned. I was scared and nervous, since I had never been a mom before! 18 months ago you left this world a whole lot earlier than planned, and I am still scared and nervous, still not quite sure how to handle the emptiness you left behind. Most days are better, but some are still very hard. I love you son, forever and always!!!!!!!

I wonder what you would be doing now? You would be a senior, and probably having a blast since you had your schedule all figured out so that you didn't have to take any math this year! :) You would probably be looking at colleges, probably at computer programs. How many cars would you have gone through by now? ;) Would you be in love? Would you have that job at Finish Line that you wanted so badly, so you could get a discount on shoes?

These are the kinds of things I wonder about...at least some of them. I also wonder how you are right now, and what you are doing. I wonder if you can see us. If you can see us, keep an eye out tonight....we'll be the goofballs at the cemetery with balloons and sparklers!!!! :)

Happy birthday, son. You and your sister have been the joys of my life. I hope your 18th birthday is the best one yet!

Peace and Love, Mom

Saturday, August 13, 2005 9:54 AM CDT

Hi everyone. Well, summer is officially over here. I started back to school with teacher's meetings yesterday, and the kids come back Monday. Where in the world did the summer go???? The only thing I really got accomplished was cleaning out my closet....and that only happened because one of the shelves fell! :) Motivation comes in many forms, evidently!

We enjoyed our trip to Missouri. Branson was interesting, kind of a "Gatlinburg meets Las Vegas" sort of atmosphere. We shopped, ate, saw a show, went to Dixie Stampede, drove go karts, and went out to Table Rock Lake. On the way home we stopped in St. Louis for a night, and went to the zoo and Union Station. It was awesome! Probably one of the best zoos we have ever been to. Downtown St. Louis was really nice too, very clean and well kept. I would definitely go back there again to see some more of the city and some of the other things to do, but Tessa was anxious to get home to her friends.

Tessa has had volleyball practice every morning for the last week, and is working hard to get back into shape for the season. Their season starts next week and goes through October. Right now she is on the JV team, but hopes to play well enough to move up to Varsity before the end of the season. After laying off a year after her back surgery, getting back into shape has been a little tougher on her than I think she thought it would be, but she is doing well. I am anxious to see her play again. She was a manager last year, but watching her play is much more fun! She has been going out to school with me this week, seeing her friends at registration and helping me get my room ready. She is anxious to be back into the school social scene, but not so much ready for the classes. :)

Brock's birthday is August 23, so keep him (and us)in mind. I can't believe he would be turning 18....just seems so unreal. It will be a difficult year at school, watching his friends do all their "senior" stuff without him. Some of his friends have had senior pictures taken, and have managed to include him in some way, like with a Superman symbol or basketball jersey. I really appreciate that. Their senior class has lost 3 kids, so I want to be sure that something is planned to remember them at graduation. It was already mentioned to my by a class sponsor, so we'll see what we come up with.

Thanks for stopping by to check in. Please sign the guest book if you are here. We still get great strength from your entries! Peace.....

Friday, July 29, 2005 10:24 AM CDT

Hi everyone. Well, summer seems to be winding down here for us, unfortunately. We are heading out to Branson, Missouri for a short family vacation this weekend, then one more week of summer vacation after we get back and school starts. I have to go back for meetings on Aug. 12, and the kids come back Aug. 15. I have NO idea where this summer went! And frankly, I'm not too happy that it's almost gone! ;(

Tessa had a good time last week at Dance Team Camp at school. They learned several new dances from a couple of gals who are Indianapolis Colts cheerleaders. Tessa loves to dance, and really enjoys being on the dance team. Glad she had fun learning some new stuff. I, on the other hand, have accomplished absolutely nothing this summer! :) I have managed to read a few books off of my stack, but there are several more that may have to be kept till later. Once school starts, my leisure reading time dwindles to almost nothing....

That's about it from here. Thanks to everyone who continues to check in on us. We appreciate it! And if you could, please send out some good thoughts for our friend William and his mom Maria....William will be ending his battle with cancer very soon.....

Sunday, July 17, 2005 11:37 PM CDT

Hi everyone. Tessa has been on me to update Brock's page, so I better get at it! Don't want the Princess upset! :) Love you Princess!!!!!

We have gotten a couple of bits of good news lately to share. First, Tessa had a checkup with her cardiologist this month, complete with treadmill stress test and MUGA scan for her heart. According to her doctor, her heart is doing fine! She was born with a congenital heart defect which was repaired surgically when she was 18 months old, and we were told at the time she would probably need a follow-up repair in her late teens or early 20's. So far so good though, which is good news for her! All of her tests came back in the normal range, so just wait and watch. Second, she saw her back surgeon last week for her 1 year (a little late!) checkup with him following her spinal fusion surgery, and he released her to go back to playing volleyball! Whoo hoo!!!! She doesn't even need to continue to follow up with him, unless her back starts to give her problems. A VERY successful surgery, which we are all grateful for! Thanks once again to the wonderful, caring people at Riley Hospital for taking care of her!

Not much else going on. Only about 4 weeks till school starts up again....WHERE has the summer gone???? We are taking a short family trip to Branson, Missouri at the end of the month, then by the time I get my room in order school will start! I swear, the older I get the faster time goes!

That's about all from here. Our friend Jeff is HOME (YAY!) and working on getting better every day. Please keep their family in your good thoughts, as well as our little friend Spencer Mattson's parents....Spencer earned his angel wings a few days ago......

Thanks for checking on us! We still appreciate it!

Saturday, July 2, 2005 8:17 PM CDT

Hi everyone, and Happy Independence Day weekend! Hope the weekend brings all of you a well deserved vacation and some quality time with family and friends.

We are all home safe and sound from our various journeys last week. Lynn was in Oklahoma for some training for work, and Tessa and I took a short trip to Orlando for some shopping and a day of Disney. Tessa and I had a wonderful time....she is quite a good shopping companion. I have taught her well! We had one day left on some Disney passes from a couple of years ago, so we used them up. That was fun too, because several times we were able to jump ahead in the ride lines because they needed parties of just 2 to fill the ride. It was a long day, we got rained on a little, but all in all a very fun trip. We have decided we need to take a girl bonding trip every year now.....we just have to talk her dad into it! :)

Lynn's trip was ok, although I think he was jealous of the fun we were having in Florida without him. I can't imagine postal training in the middle of Oklahoma could compare to Disney World, but that's just me. He did have a luggage problem on the way home....he got back to Indianapolis, but his bag only made it to Atlanta! Not a big crisis though, as they sent a courier here with his bag today. Kind of sums up his week though, I think.

We don't have much planned this weekend. Tessa is working for some friends who have a fireworks store, so she is busy making some spending money to pad her wallet for the rest of the summer. Whoo hoo!!! That means less money out of Mom's wallet to keep her entertained! We are going to have dinner with some friends on the 4th and watch fireworks from a lake near their house. The kids will do some fireworks too, which always makes me a little nervous, but what the heck. You're only a kid once....age wise at least!

The thought jumped into my head today that tomorrow is 11 years since Brock's initial cancer diagnosis. When I realized the date, all kinds of memories came flooding into my mind. The initial shock, fear, tears, all that of course, but the one that sticks out most is the fact that he had surgery on the 4th to remove his tumor and kidney, and he was SO MAD that he missed the fireworks! Typical Brock! So please, if you would, think kindly of our family tomorrow. This may be one of those days that slip up and smack you in the face......

Our friend Jeff continues to recover, and was due to come home from the rehabilitation hospital last week. I haven't talked to his parents since we have been back, so I'll check in and let everyone know. Thanks for the prayers and good thoughts you have sent to the Snell family!

Well, that's about it from here. Have a happy and safe 4th!

LeeAnn

Tuesday, June 21, 2005 10:13 AM CDT

Hi everyone. Sorry it has been so long between updates. Just trying to enjoy our summer here, which seems to be dashing by.

Tessa and I made it through the dance revue with no major errors, so that was a good thing, at least for me! It makes me really nervous to dance in front of people like that, but what the heck. Tessa looked beautiful in her ballet costume especially, and did a really nice job. I was very proud of her.

We are all getting away for a few days next week, although not together. Lynn has to go to Oklahoma for training for his job, so Tessa and I decided we would take off for a few days too. We are heading down to Orlando for 4 days of shopping and Disney. We had 1 day left on our Disney passes from a couple of years ago, so we thought we would use them before she gets too old to want to go! :) I have been watching the weather though, and I think Lynn may be getting the better end of the deal....it has been pretty stormy in Florida all week! Oh well, at least we will be out of Indiana for a bit!

On a sad note, please send good thoughts to the Mathis family. Hayley earned her wings this morning after a fierce battle with Wilms. Leave them a note at www.caringbridge.org/ne/haleygirl. Very unfair that more families have to start down this road.

Well, that's about all from here. Don't have any new news about our friend Jeff, when I get some I will post it. Thanks for checking in!

Wednesday, June 8, 2005 1:47 PM CDT

Hi everyone. Well, it seems that summer has come full force to Indiana in the past few days! The temps have been in the high 80's, and I think the humidity is about the same! Not complaining, though....remember, I am the one who loathes cold weather!

I took Tessa and a friend down to see our friend Jeff yesterday. He is doing very well in the rehabilitation hospital, so that is good news. He is learning how to use a wheelchair, maneuver himself in and out, and generally do stuff. His legs are still not cooperating, but the doctors are not ruling anything out, and if I know Jeff, he will do whatever it takes to get up and walking again! Please keep the Snell family in your thoughts and prayers!

We are doing ok here. Tessa and I will be participating in Molly's Dance Gallery's annual Dance Revue on Friday and Saturday night. It is NOT one of my favorite things to do...makes me REALLY nervous, but we do it anyway. That will end dance for the summer for us, but Tessa has started summer conditioning for volleyball (ssshhh....don't tell Dr. Didelot, he doesn't see her till July to officially release her after her back surgery!), so she is keeping plenty busy. I am trying to get some long neglected housework done, but it just isn't very interesting!

Thanks to everyone who took flowers to Brock's grave for Memorial Day. I know who some of them were from, but others are a mystery. Thanks for remembering him! We just continue to move slowly through life, trying to adjust to a new normal as much as possible. Thanks for continuing to check on us.....hopefully the summer will be a safe, pleasant one for everyone!

Monday, May 30, 2005 6:10 PM CDT

Hi everyone, and Happy Memorial Day. Finally winding down a very busy time here, hopefully to get some rest the next few days.

Jeff, our friend who was injured in the wreck last week, has been moved from a regular hospital to a rehabilitation hospital. He is doing better, but still at this time is unable to use his legs. He is going through several kinds of therapy right now, so please continue to send your good thoughts to the Snell family. The can use all your support right now.

Made it through Graduation Friday night. Jeff was awarded his diploma in a video ceremony at the rehab hospital, and his mom Mary was on hand to say a few words. It was very moving, and everyone was touched. The next day, our boys volleyball team played for 1st place in the State Tournament, but got 2nd after 3 hard fought matches. The team, along with several parents and friends, took the trophy and a large card over to Jeff. He is a member of the team, and seemed happy to see everyone. It was good to see him, he looked good, and I think he is ready for the work that lies ahead of him. Not sure how well I'll do next year as Brock's class graduates, but one day at a time.

We went to the cemetery last night to visit Brock, and a couple of his friends who are there. The cemetery looked beautiful with all the flowers, and hundreds of huge American flags lining the driveways. It was pretty, but my kid STILL shouldn't be there!!!!!! Worked in the yard yesterday and today, got my flowers planted and Lynn mowed the yard. I'm not much into gardening, but I do like a few annuals around to add some color. Glad to have the planting done though.

Well, that's about it from here. Tessa and my last day of school was last Friday, so we are now officially on summer vacation, and I am ready! I think we need some rest, so hopefully we will get it. Thanks for checking in, and for continuing to support the Snell's. We appreciate it!
LeeAnn

Monday, May 23, 2005 9:25 PM CDT

Hi everyone, and thanks for stopping by. A lot has been going on here, so I will update you all as best I can.

First, I need to ask for your prayers, good thoughts, positive vibes, whatever you can send for the Snell family. They are friends of ours, their kids friends of Brock and Tessa. Saturday night their son Jeff was in a car accident that has left him unable to use his legs. They do not know at this time if this is temporary or permanent, but we are all hoping for the best. Jeff is to graduate from Wapahani this coming Friday, and had just been awarded a full scholarship to the Air Force Academy. He is a great kid, and they are an awesome family! Please remember Jeff, his sister Rachel, and parents Mary and Steve in your good thoughts!

School is rapidly drawing to a close here. Friday is our last day, and honestly I am ready. I have really enjoyed this year, my first year teaching at the high school level, and it has gone by very quickly. But it has been a struggle too. Brock's friends will all be seniors next year, and that will be tough. I have been avoiding graduation open houses for the most part, because it is, unfortunately, a reminder of yet another thing I won't get to experience with Brock. Graduation Friday will be hard too, but I am going to go and be with my colleagues as we send another group of kids out into the world. Several of the graduates have been around my house for many years, and I don't want to miss their graduation. Still......very hard.

Tessa has a nasty cold, and is feeling pretty crummy. Nothing like having to take her finals while her nose drips constantly! :) She is doing well though, although I can't imagine that I am old enough to have an adorable almost-sophomore in high school for a daughter! I may be in for some trouble in the future!

That's about it from here. Thanks so much for checking in, and please, remember the Snell family in your daily wishes. We are all pulling for them!

LeeAnn

Sunday, May 8, 2005 9:07 AM CDT

Hi everyone. It's Mothers Day, and I'm feeling kind of down, so I thought I would write a quick update. I miss Brock terribly today, even more than other days. I think I'll take a trip to the cemetery today alone, just to have some quiet time to let it all out. Have to do that occasionally. I am so proud to have been able to be Brock and Tessa's mom. They are both great kids, and I know how lucky I am to have had them. I see so many kids, at school and other places, that don't have nearly the drive or spirit that my kids do. I am truly blessed to have had them, even if it wasn't for long enough!!!!!

In other news, I am now the proud owner of a Masters Degree in Secondary Education from Ball State University! Commencement was yesterday, but I didn't participate. Leave that to the young kids on their first go-round! I am pretty proud of myself for finishing it....I didn't really have much motivation after Brock left, but now I'm glad its done. Now I guess I have to find a new goal in life!

That's about it from here. My breakfast has just been delivered (Lynn went to get biscuits and gravy!) so I'll let my family start adoring me now. Thanks for checking in, we appreciate you all!
LeeAnn

Sunday, May 1, 2005 9:52 AM CDT

Hi everyone. Ok, I lied about spring coming to Indiana....it WAS in the 80's for a few days, but less than a week later we had snow sticking to the ground! Certainly makes life interesting! Not to mention morning wardrobe choices!

4 more weeks of school left here, and I think Tessa and I are both ready! She just finished Drivers Education last week, and is doing a really good job chauffering us around. Her driving is much improved since the first time we let her drive, so that is good. I feel much more comfortable riding with her now!

I have 1 class meeting left Tuesday, and my Masters degree will be done! I have finished my on-line class, and am ready to get that diploma in the mail! It does get me a small pay raise next year, but I am mostly just glad to have it done. It also adds a few years onto the time between license renewals for me, so it could actually end up being about 8-9 years before I have to take another class again! Whoo hoo! I also got my teaching assignments for next year, so I can start to work on some of the things I will need to do for them. At least this summer will be a little more relaxed with no classes to take.

Tessa has chosen to drive Brock's Ford Explorer for her first vehicle. That has been kind of nice, although it is hard not to think of it as "his" truck. We had to have Kent come over yesterday and show us how to work the stereo, the darn thing was so complicated! :) I think we're good to go now though....we had some work done to it, oil change, new tires, etc. so I think she's ready to go.

Thanks for continuing to check on us. I know I don't update as often as I used to, but we still appreciate the good thoughts and support. I guess we have started to adjust to this "life" we have now. We still miss Brock every day, but it somehow seems to be easing up a bit. Thanks to everyone who remembers him too! Keep him (and us!) in your thoughts!

LeeAnn

Sunday, April 10, 2005 8:30 PM CDT

Hi everyone. Looks like spring has finally come here to Indiana, with great weather this weekend, up in the 70's...almost like Florida! And, only a few weeks of school left, which is always a plus!

I had a nice opportunity last night. It was our high school's Junior/Senior prom, and I chaperoned. It would have been Brock's junior prom, and I was a little nervous about chaperoning it. But it turned out beautifully. Tessa served at the refreshment table, so that was cool for her, since she's a freshman. All the kids looked great, behaved themselves, and had a nice time. The prom sponsors dedicated the song "Superman" by Five for Fighting to Brock, and pretty much everyone danced. It was nice to hear him remembered. It was also the Senior prom for several of Brock's close friends, and it was nice to be able to share it with them. I SO wish Brock could have been there! I can only imagine how nice he would have looked in a tux, a lovely girl dressed to kill on his arm.....sigh...it's these kinds of things that make me really realize how much I am going to miss without him. It just seems so unfair! Makes me mad......

The afterprom was at the Ball State Student Center, where they have bowling and pool tables and lots of other stuff for them to do. Tons of food, and plenty to keep them busy made the evening wind on. I finally left about 1:00, since I had another teacher and Tessa and a friend of hers with me, but it was fun to see the kids having fun. We really do have pretty good kids at our school, we are very lucky.

Another journey we have begun here is Drivers Education for Tessa. I remember writing in this journal about Brock's drivers ed experiences, now here I am at the same point with Tessa. So far she has done pretty well, but it is still nerve wracking to ride with a new kid driver. I hope I survive this one too! :)

That's about all from here. 7 more weeks of school, then summer break...yay! I have 4 more weeks of my Ball State classes, then my masters will be finished...another yay! Thanks for checking in with us, we still appreciate the support!

Tuesday, March 29, 2005 8:52 PM CST

Hi everyone. Well, spring break is over, and we are now back in the routine of school and work in lovely Indiana. I have been thinking constantly for the last 3 days about reasons to have come back here from Florida, and so far nothing has come to mind! We had a lovely vacation, great weather, WHY on earth would we come back here to 40 degrees and raining? ;)

Oh wait, now I remember....this is where we LIVE! :) I left that nice, clean, uncluttered condo to come back to my totally packed full house that looks like a tornado went through it...which at this time of year in Indiana, could very well happen! Oh well, maybe after Tessa graduates I can release my inner beach bum who is crazy to get out!

We really did have a nice time. The weather was nice, 85ish during the day, 70ish at night. Nice pool at the condo, the beach was just a couple minute walk. Tessa and I went out on a jet ski, which I had never done before. It was awesome, lots of fun, but of course if you have ever seen me drive you know going fast is my specialty! We didn't get to spend quite as much time with the Ervin's as we might have liked to, but we will take care of that next year. Got some shopping in for us girls, so all in all a successful vacation. Now of course we need a vacation to recover from our vacation!

We missed Brock alot, knowing how much he would have liked taking off on the jet ski or checking out the cute girls on the beach! We seem to be settling into a sort of "routine" without him, but that by no means indicates that we are not missing him every single day! It is so strange, we talk about him a lot, about things he would like, things he would do or say. But it seems like forever since he has been here...sometimes I almost feel like I dreamed him here. Very strange.......

Well, that's all for tonight. Thanks for checking in on us, we still appreciate the guestbook entries. Only 43 days of school left..... :)

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 7:09 AM CST

Hi everyone. This update comes to you from spring break in Ft. Lauderdale! So far things have been good here. We arrived on Friday, and today is the first day of cloudy weather we have had. We have been good kids, though, taking the sunning thing SLOWLY! The last time I was in Ft. Lauderdale I ended up with sun poisoning, laying in bed barfing for most of the week! :) That was college days stupidity, though, so thankfully this week has been much more fun!

We are staying at a place about a block from the beach, which is nice. Several pools, game room, stuff for the kids to do. The Ervins are staying about 45 minutes away in West Palm Beach, but we have been back and forth about every day. We are headed out for some outlet mall shopping today, taking a little break from the sun. The weather is good, about 80 during the day, and 65-70 at night.

We wrote a note to Brock in the sand when we got here, the kids thought that was cool. We will be back home on Saturday, and will write more then. Have a good week!

Monday, March 7, 2005 7:27 PM CST

Hi everyone. First, I want to thank everyone who remembered Brock's first angel day. It went ok for us, as ok as can be expected. We really appreciated all the entries in the guestbook here, the phone calls, and the decorations on Brock's bench at school. It is so good to know that he is still in so many people's hearts.

The day itself was not as bad as the anticipation of it, or at least I didn't think so. Tessa and I stayed home from school, but Lynn went on to work. We had some lunch with Molly and Prissy, then I ran a few errands with Tessa and Prissy. After Lynn got off work, we went to the card shop and got 4 latex balloons. We each wrote a message to Brock on our balloon (Superman colors of course...red, yellow, blue and black). We went out to the cemetery, read our messages, and let the balloons go. A couple of Brock's friends showed up while we were there, and I know others had been there already. After we left the cemetery, we had dinner at BW3, Brock's favorite restaurant. All in all, it was an ok day. It's funny though, how I can get through the anniversary days ok, but regular days, like today, creep up and hit me like a ton of bricks. No rhyme or reason to it. Oh well, like I said earlier, no handbook for this sort of thing.

We are getting ready for our spring break trip to Florida. We are going to Ft. Lauderdale this year, looking for a little warmer weather than last year in Destin. I am ready for some sand and sun, and I know Lynn and Tessa are too. Only 9 more weeks of school left after spring break.....I have no idea where the time has gone. My 2 master's classes are going ok, only a few weeks of those left too, then my masters in education will be finished. I try to keep busy most of the time, makes it harder to obsess over everything.

Well, off to do some homework. Just wanted to update and say thanks for everyone's good thoughts. We still appreciate them as much as ever!

Wednesday, February 16, 2005 8:09 AM CST

Hello everyone. Well, today is Brock's 1 year angel anniversary. I really don't know what to say, except to say thank you to everyone who has supported our family throughout Brock's illness, and during the last year without him. We appreciate all of you more than I can ever express!!

Tessa and I stayed home from school today. Not sure what the day will bring, but I figure we are probably better off at home where we can kind of do whatever feels right. Lynn went to work, at least for part of the day. We really have no concrete plans made as to how to recognize this day, but I guess we'll just do whatever feels right. There's no handbook for this sort of thing.......

I have played Brock's last day over and over in my mind a million times lately. It is so hard to realize that he is truly gone from us forever. It is comforting to know that he was so loved by so many people though. His friends, people at school, people in the community.....he touched so many lives, and so many people cared about him. I guess that's what you want when you raise a child....one you can be proud of, that makes a positive contribution to society. Brock certainly accomplished both of those things in his 16 years! And for that, we are truly blessed.

We love you and miss you Brock! Fly high Superman, and always remember how much you mean to us!

Love, Mom, Dad, and Tessa

Thursday, February 3, 2005 7:02 PM CST

Hi everyone. Sorry it has been so long between entries. Sometimes it is hard to find things to say. It is also proving to be a very difficult time for us right now with Brock's angel anniversary coming up. I guess I am trying to keep busy with other things.

School is ok. I can't believe how much of the school year is gone already. Our high school's Homecoming is tomorrow night, which will be the last performance for Tessa and the dance team this year. I remember being in the hospital with Brock last year on Homecoming night, and being a little aggravated that we were missing it. His class's float for the parade had signs about him on it, telling him they missed him and loved him, and get well soon. Tessa got some pictures of them I think, although they were a little dark. I am wondering what this year will hold. Tessa has been busy working with her class on their float. She says it is looking pretty good. I'm sure it will be an interesting night.

My grad classes are ok, really liking one but finding the other one (research class) to be a real struggle. On top of not knowing what the heck I am doing in the class, I am taking it online with a professor who is currently in Germany, so I don't even have classroom support or instruction! Oh well, 13 more weeks and the masters degree will be done, IF I can pull it off!

Thanks so much for continuing to check in with us. I can't believe the one year mark is approaching. I am dreading it already. So many thoughts, feelings, emotions....I can't even begin to describe them. One day at a time, as they say.....

Wednesday, January 19, 2005 8:19 PM CST

Hi everyone. I typed a new journal entry on Sunday, but evidently it shot off into cyberspace, so I'll try again. Sunday marked 11 months since Brock's passing. It is still so surreal, but I guess maybe, slowly, we are integrating the fact that he is gone into our lives. I am already stressing next month, the one year mark. Seems unreal, one year without him. I have no idea where the last 12 months went. One day at a time, as they say.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO TESSA! She turned 15 on Monday, Jan. 10, and is already bugging me about drivers ed and her driving permit! Just like her brother.... ;) We will get to that shortly I suppose. I am holding off for a little while though, as with the totally unpredictable weather in Indiana I don't really want her learning to drive just yet. Maybe April, when the weather calms down!

I started 2 graduate classes at Ball State last week, the last 2 I need for my Masters degree in Secondary Education. It is going to be a tough semester, as one of the classes is a research class, and I HATE anything that has to do with numbers! But, nose to the grindstone, and it will be DONE soon! Can't wait!

The only other exciting news is our upcoming spring break trip with the Ervins. Once again, we are venturing out to Florida in search of sun, sand, and surf. Heck, we may even come back home (against our better judgement, of course!) After weeks of searching we finally booked a flight down and back today, so if any of you are waiting to schedule flights I'm sure the prices will drop quickly now that we've bought ours! We are headed to Ft. Lauderdale this year....a little farther south than in years past, but hopefully better weather too.

That's it for tonight. Thanks so much for continuing to check in on us. We really appreciate seeing the counter continue to climb, and reading the guestbook entries.

Saturday, January 8, 2005 8:15 AM CST

Hi everyone! WHEW!!! Did the New Year hit us hard, or what!? We survived the actual holiday, only to get hit a few days later with a HUGE ice storm! We went back to school on Monday Jan. 3, were sent home early on Wednesday, Jan. 5, and have been home ever since! In our area of Indiana, over 120,000 people are without power, almost 80,000 of them in our county! We have been extremely lucky though, our power has stayed on. Houses only a block or so away from ours have been out, but we have stayed on. The only thing we lost was our cable tv/modem for about 24 hours, but thankfully that was it. We have had friends in and out, which has been nice. You never know how much you miss a hot shower or a hot meal or light or tv till you don't have them! :) We were happy to be able to help our friends out. Our families were both without power too, but they have gone to stay with friends or are using generators. A very rocky start to the new year! On top of it all, we had about 4-5" of snow dumped on us last night! Bless all the electrical linemen who have come to our area from Kentucky, Virginia, North Carolina, and other places to help Indiana out of this!

Tessa's birthday is Monday....she will be 15!!! She is already talking about getting her drivers permit, taking Drivers Ed, all that stuff. Gosh, I remember so clearly how excited Brock was about all the same stuff. The more things change, the more they stay the same, huh? We spent part of the evening with Molly and Prissy looking through pictures of Brock and Tessa when they were little....gee, how did I survive that? Some of the pictures we looked at, the kinds of stuff they were getting in to, I must have had lots more energy and patience back then!

Well, Happy New Year to all, and thanks for checking in. We are doing ok here. We got a solar light to put on Brock's grave last weekend, but the weather turned so awful that we haven't been able to get it out there. When we went to the cemetery for the luminaria before Christmas, we saw several of the grave had small hanging solar lights on them. You can do that in the winter, I guess, because they don't have to mow. Anyway, we thought that was a nice idea, so we got one too. We will get it in place as soon as the weather breaks. Be careful and safe if you live around here, and if you don't, send us some warm weather!!!!

Tuesday, December 28, 2004 6:12 PM CST

Hi everyone. Well, Christmas is over, and we survived. That's really about all I can say about it. I think we did ok, I managed to not fall apart till yesterday. We had a good day on Christmas day, went to Indy to watch the Pacers play. Lynn, Tessa, Judy and I had a blast at Conseco Fieldhouse. I love going there. It certainly made the day pass quickly, even though the Pacers lost the game.

I could go into a long note about how much we miss Brock, how unfair this all is, all that kind of stuff, but I've said it all before so I won't. I just hope he is watching us, knowing how special he is to us, and what a hole his passing has left in our lives. We love you Brock, forever and ever!

Mom, Dad, and Tessa

Saturday, December 25, 2004 7:41 AM CST

Merry Christmas Brock! We love you, and miss you!

Love, Mom, Dad, and Tessa

Thursday, December 23, 2004 7:27 PM CST

Hello, and happy Christmas eve-eve! Not much going on here, just digging out from under a foot of snow that showed up overnight last night! Snow emergency for our county, and several others around us. ICK! Did I mention I hate winter? Somewhere there is sand and a palm tree calling my name! Tessa enjoyed the snow for a while today. She bundled up and went out to make snow angels, and ended up shoveling a little of the deck for me. I shoveled another path to the driveway, and the front porch, and called it quits. We managed to get out and get to town late this afternoon. Luckily both our vehicles are 4 wheel drive, so we did ok. Lynn had a tough drive to work this morning, but by this afternoon his trip home was much better.

We have Christmas with my family tomorrow, then tickets to the Pacers/Pistons game in Indy on Christmas afternoon. Hopefully it will be much calmer than the last time these two teams met! Tessa has carefully planned out our time schedule to allow for opening presents, and getting to the fieldhouse on time for the game! She is SO organized! ;)

I am still not feeling very Christmas-sy at all. I really could skip the whole thing, but I suppose that's not very likely to happen. And, as crappy as the weather is, I guess it's a good thing I wasn't planning to hop a plane to a warmer destination. Just have to grit my teeth and bear it I guess.

Well, that's about all from here. Thanks for stopping by, and I hope everyone has a good holiday season. Sign the guestbook if you're here!

Friday, December 17, 2004 8:40 PM CST

Hi everyone. Hope your holidays are going well. I am just about done with what relatively small amount I am doing this year. Our celebrations start on Sunday, so I guess I had better get done!

Yesterday marked 10 months since Brock passed away. I was re-reading through this journal the other night, and the suddenness of it startled even me. In some ways, it seems like I am still waiting for him to show up, walking in the back door and yelling for us. In other ways, it seems like so long ago since I saw him, talked to him, laughed with him. I guess in the big picture we are doing ok, functioning as we all need to. Tessa is doing well in school, has lots of friends and outside interests that keep her busy. I am busy with school, both teaching and taking classes for my master's degree. Lynn's job is about the same, but might change some soon. We seem to be moving through life, although some days the differentness of it all is very painful. I guess we will continue to do what we have to do.....although we miss him terribly!

Christmas this year is going to be so different, I can't even imagine it. A wonderful little "Santa" at my school gave us a huge Christmas surprise today.....3 tickets to the Indiana Pacer's game on Christmas afternoon! Thank you VERY MUCH Santa! :) I was really pretty worried about how we would spend our day, just the 3 of us, with nothing really planned. But now, we definitely have something to look forward to on our calendar! I had truly tried to talk Lynn into going away for a few days, just being somewhere different, but he didn't want to. Plus, our Christmas break from school is shortened this year, so I guess we probably are better just hanging around home.

Well, that's about it for tonight. We had a basketball game tonight, Tessa's dance team danced, so it is kind of late. She went to a friend's house for a while after the game and it's about time for Mom's Taxi to go pick her up. Thanks so much for checking in on us. Everyone's continued support means a lot!

Friday, December 10, 2004 5:31 PM CST

Good evening everyone. Hope everyone is doing well. We are ok here, as well as can be. School is winding down for Christmas break, so that is a good thing! I can't believe the school year is half way over...it sure has flown by.

Tessa is doing well. We have an appointment on Tuesday for her 6 months post surgery checkup with her back surgeon. I think he will be please with her progress and hopefully lift a few more of her restrictions. She is anxious to start doing at least a little more activity. She has gym class next semester, and her teacher is very willing to adapt her P.E. routine to help her rehab her back. Thanks bunches Mike! I hope the doc agrees with this, otherwise she has to take a whole year of gym next year!

Tomorrow is the boy's basketball team's first home game of the season, so that will be a challenge for us. The dance team is dancing at it too, so that will hopefully be a good diversion for me. I plan to wear the warmup tshirt the boys gave me, with Brock's emblem on the back. They dance at both the boys and girls games tomorrow, so I think it will be a long day/night of basketball!

Christmas is coming up too quickly, as usual. My shopping is mostly done, what little bit of shopping I am doing. Tessa got the tree up right after Thanksgiving, and Lynn put some lights on the bushes outside. It all looks nice. There is a lumniaria display at Gardens of Memory tomorrow night, over 7000 candles lit. We will try to drive through it before we go to the game. A friend of Brock's, Anthony, put a beautiful Christmas wreath on Brock's gravesite. It looks very nice, thank you so much!

That's about it for tonight. Thanks so much for continuing to check on us. Sometimes updating this site is hard, but seeing the number of people who stop by, and reading the guestbook entries makes us feel very good. We appreciate everyone's caring and support!

Tuesday, November 30, 2004 7:53 PM CST

Hi everyone. Had a couple of cool stories to share so I thought I would update. Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving, and got TONS of shopping done!

The first story happened on Thanksgiving. We had gone to Lynn's family's house for dinner. After dinner, we were relaxing and talking, when a beautiful hawk landed on a fencepost just a foot or two outside the diningroom window. It never moved, even when we all rushed to the window to look at it. It sat there, looking around, looking at us, for about 5 minutes. It even sat very still and let Tessa take pictures of it! According to a friend of mine, in some Native American religions, a hawk is seen as a spirit who can see great distances into the lives of people. I am hoping it was a sign from Brock, saying hi, telling us he is ok!

The second one happened today. The high school basketball team had new warm up shirts made, and honored Brock on them. They have Wapahani Raider Basketball on the front, and Brock's Superman car decal screen printed on the back with the phrase "LIVESTRONG". Coach Z brought one to me today, and I was thrilled! Thanks so much Z, and guys, I will wear it proudly to the games this year!

That's about all from here. Hope everyone is doing ok. Thanks for stopping by to check on us!

Thursday, November 25, 2004 8:24 PM CST

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful day. I was pretty much dreading it myself, but all went ok, thankfully. Another painful "first" over with. I kept thinking about last year, when Brock was so miserable at Thanksgiving, unable to eat because the tumor was pressing his esophagus shut. We miss him so much, but at least I know now he is no longer in pain and suffering. From October of last year till February when he passed away, it just seemed like one obstacle after another for him to overcome. It just wasn't fair........

Anyway, tomorrow we are starting a new tradition. Last year Lynn and Brock and I did the WAY early in the morning shopping thing, but Tessa didn't go. This year, Tessa and Prissy and I are heading out at 6 a.m. for some shopping/bonding time! I think it will be fun, although I don't really have much in mind to specifically shop for. It's really more for the experience of it all, and the being together. I'm sure there will be several naps taken around here tomorrow afternoon! Lynn is choosing to forgo this trip.....guess he's just not up to power shopping with 3 women! ;)

Thanks to everyone who has visited Brock's site lately. We do appreciate everyone still checking on us. Please sign the guestbook! Go Pacers!!!!!

Tuesday, November 16, 2004 7:56 PM CST

Hi everyone. Well, yet another "16th" is upon us....today marks 9 months since Brock died. We are actually doing ok right now. We have been very busy here with school, Tessa's dentist and orthodontist appointments, dance team, all that stuff. I am dreading the holidays though. It seems that those "special" days are hardest to get through. I honestly would skip the whole thing this year, just put myself on a cruise somewhere, but Lynn things it should be as normal as possible for everyone. Normal....what's that????

Last Saturday was our school's Winter Sports introduction night. All of the winter sports....boys and girls basketball mostly....played short scrimmage games. It was kind of surreal....Brock should have been out there! I was ok till I saw a couple of his friends out there on the floor, then I was just so sad. I held it together though, so I guess that's a step in the healing process. Tessa and the dance team performed for the first time too, and they looked really good. It is the first year our school has had a dance team, and the girls looked like they were enjoying it. They dance at 7 games this year, probably enough for me.

Well, that's about it from here. Thanks so much for continuing to check Brock's site. I know I don't write as often as I used to, but it helps me to know that people still read it and think about him and us. We really appreciate the support!

Sunday, November 7, 2004 3:40 PM CST

Hi everyone. Sorry it has been a while since updates. Not much going on here really. Just plodding along, doing our best to go day to day.

Tessa is doing well with her braces. I swear, I think her teeth are straightening up already! She is doing dance team at school too, so that is keeping her busy. They are performing at 7 basketball games this season, so they are working on several dances. She loves to dance, so that is fun for her. Plus, it gives us an excuse to go to at least a few ball games. I wasn't sure if we could handle basketball season this year, but maybe if we are going to watch her, it will change our focus a little.

We had a great time last night on a night out with our best buddies, the Ervins. Commedian Bill Engvall was in town, and we bought our tickets back in August! We were in the 6th row, and laughed so hard our faces hurt by the time he was done. I know I haven't laughed that much in the past 8 months! It was nice to go out and have fun for a change. We seem to spend a lot of our time hanging around the house nowadays, but I really think that needs to change. You only get so many chances to make memories in this lifetime, so I really think we should be taking more advantage of the opportunities that come our way.

Thanks for checking in on us. My dad is doing pretty well after his back surgery, so thanks for the good wishes and prayers for him. Also, Kevin is HOME! After nearly 2 months in PICU, he rallied to beat the infection that nearly took his life. Thanks for your support for their family too. Keep those good thoughts coming!

Thursday, October 28, 2004 8:14 PM CDT

Hi everyone. Our fall break Mall of America trip went well, with no real problems to speak of. The flights were good, the weather was terrible (does it EVER not rain in Minnesota?), and the mall itself proved to be enough of a challenge for even Tessa and I! We really didn't buy as much as I thought we would, being "professional" shoppers and all, but it was still kinda cool to see some of the stores we had read about in magazines. Lynn got some quality "people-watching" time in (aka sit on the bench outside the store while we shopped!). All in all an interesting getaway. And we all need those!

Had an interesting and successful meeting tonight with some folks who are interested in helping us put together a scholarship fund in Brock's name. Several good ideas came out, and I am hopeful that this will take off and be a successful venture for years to come. As bereaved parents know, our greatest fear is that our child will be forgotten. Hopefully, with an ongoing scholarship in his name, Brock won't be. Thanks so much to Steve, Jan, Kathy, and our good buddy Mark for being there for us. We really appreciate the effort and enthusiasm you all have for making sure Brock lives on in peoples memories and hearts!

That's about it from here for tonight. Thanks for checking in with us. We really appreciate the guestbook entries and the good thoughts and support!

Wednesday, October 20, 2004 7:18 PM CDT

Hi everyone. Thanks for stopping by Brock's website. We are still plodding along here, day to day. We appeciate everyone's continued support and concern.

Tessa and I made it through the first 9 weeks of high school together (;)! Tessa got straight A's on her first high school report card, and as far as I know I still have a job, so all is well at school! I can't believe a fourth of the school year is over with already. Time flies.....

The next few days are fall break for us, and we are taking a short trip to Minnepolis to the Mall of America. Imagine that, Tessa and I taking a shopping vacation!! We head out tomorrow morning and will be home Sunday. We are excited, although it still feels wierd to go places without Brock. Shopping was NOT his big thing, however I don't doubt he would have managed to drop some cash at a mall this size! Lynn has been practicing up to haul our shopping bags around for us!

Tessa is doing well with her braces. The extraction sites where her teeth were pulled have healed up well, and she got her teeth cleaned and checked today. We actually have NO dentist appts until mid-November! We won't know how to act!

Please keep my dad in your thoughts and prayers. He had surgery today on his back to relieve some chronic problems he has had, and will be in quite a bit of discomfort for a few days. Thanks for thinking of us! Please don't forget to sign the guestbook if you are here. It comforts us to hear from people remembering Brock.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004 9:10 PM CDT

Hi everyone. Things here continue to be interesting. Tessa did well having two teeth pulled for her braces last week. She gets the other two pulled tomorrow, then she is on the fast track to orthodontic success! She is ok with things so far, although she was wishing that she could fast forward through the first year with her braces so she could already be half way done!

I have been pondering an idea for a couple of days and thought I would share. The question was posed on my online support group of parents who have lost kids to cancer. Someone asked if we felt our lives had been "ruined" by losing our kids. Hhhhmmmm.....that one took me some REAL thinking. Here is what I have come up with.......

I don't think of my life as "ruined" because of Brock's passing. Undeniably changed, yes. Much sadder, yes. Less full of joy and opportunity, yes. Much more emotional, fuller of ups and downs. But ruined....no. I still have Tessa, who is becoming a beautiful, smart, talented young woman. I get a great deal of happiness from watching her grow up. I still have Lynn, my family, my friends, who all care a great deal about me. Is this the life I wanted? NO! I can definitely say that with all my heart. But I believe we have a choice. We can take what life deals us, and do the best we can with it, trying to make a life out of it, or we can curl up in a ball and wither away. I know curling up won't bring Brock back, and would only hurt Tessa. So, the only choice I have is to try my best to live this life as well as I can. It is what Brock would want me to do, would want all of us to do. I know I still hurt, I still have a great deal of pain in missing him, I am still very angry at the whole situation. But I can't give up, as attractive as that may sound some days. I must trudge along, hoping that someday some joy will return, that rays of sunshine will pop through the clouds more often than they do now.

Anyway, deep thoughts, I know. But I have been thinking about this for a couple of days, and hope some of the rest of you are there along with me. Thanks for stopping by and keeping us in your thoughts.

Monday, October 4, 2004 7:55 PM CDT

Hi everyone. Well, a busy day here at the Barnard house...Tessa got her braces on! She did awesome through the almost 2 hours it took to get everything in place, and I am very proud of her! She has quite a bit of "technology" in her mouth, and is having a good amount of discomfort with it, but I'm sure she'll do fine! She goes on Thursday to our regular dentist to have 2 teeth pulled, and then again next week to have 2 more taken out. THEN the braces can start doing their real work, moving her teeth into a beautiful, straight smile! I had braces in my 30's, and wore them for about 4 years. Her treatment is estimated to be about 2 years, as things progress much more quickly when you are young! As a bonding offering, I put my retainers in tonight, just to make her feel better. Hhhmmmm.....may have to have them adjusted, as they don't quite fit right anymore! :)

Otherwise things continue to move on. The first 9 weeks of school is almost over, and I can't believe how quickly the time has gone. We are taking a short getaway trip over Fall Break in a couple of weeks, so we are looking forward to that. Otherwise, just the normal stuff going on. Thanks to whoever put the red carnation in Brock's vase this past week. It is good to see that other people still go out to the cemetery and "visit" him. I know he's in lots of people's thoughts still, and that comforts us. Thanks to everyone who continues to keep Brock in their minds and hearts!

I have been struggling a bit the past couple of weeks, not sure why things have been hitting me especially hard. One of those rough patches I've read about I suppose. A big thank you to my friends and family who have been putting up with me....I promise, it's NOT my fault!!!

Well, that's about it. Just to let you know, Kevin is doing much better! Out of ICU and into a regular room, well on the road to recovery. Thanks for all the good thoughts and prayers for his family. And, as always, thanks for checking in on us!

Monday, September 27, 2004 9:38 PM CDT

Hi everyone. Hope everyone is doing ok. We are plugging along here, keeping as busy as usual, maybe even busier! Tessa had her first orthodontic appointment today for impressions and spacers. She gets her braces on next week! She is excited about it, because her teeth have needed straightened for a while now, but we have put it off until she got all her permanent teeth in and all that stuff. She does have to get 4 teeth pulled for the braces, and isn't really looking forward to that, but I'm sure she will do fine. She's a tough kid, and the outcome will make her even more beautiful when the braces come off! She is also back to her dance classes and dance team, as well as several nights a week of volleyball. Glad for all the activity, it keeps me busy and my mind from wandering!

Otherwise not much going on. ;) We have gone to a couple of craft festivals the last couple of weekends...."crapfests" as Brock used to say! We miss him so much, it is still so hard to accept that this is permanent, but I guess over time we will. Several of the kids at school have done things in rememberance of Brock....one of the guys got a really beautiful tattoo that has Brock's initials in it, and several other "Superman" symbols have shown up around the building. It is nice to know that he is still with the kids. I had a long chat today with a student of mine who lost a brother to suicide this weekend, and I was actually amazed at how I handled the situation. Maybe, somewhere buried inside me is strength I didn't know I still had. I know most days it's all I can do to "act normal", but maybe there is still hope in there. I'll keep you posted!

Thanks so much to everyone who has been sending prayers and good thoughts to Kevin's family. He is doing much better! I appreciate everyone's concern for his family. And, as always, thanks for sticking with us!

Friday, September 17, 2004 11:12 AM CDT

HI everyone. Sorry the updates have been few and far between, but I guess I just haven't had much to say lately.

Yesterday was 7 months since Brock left us. I thought about it on and off all day, but seemed to make it through ok. I wonder if there will ever come a time when that day of the month doesn't strike me in some way? Probably not, as I have already figured out that there will never come a day when I don't think about him, miss him, be angry that he is gone, all that kind of stuff. I'm pretty sure it will go on forever.......

Tessa is doing well. Her back is getting stronger, and she was able to start her dance classes again this week, as well as be on the dance team at school. Unfortunately their first practice was cancelled on Tuesday because the power went out at school for the afternoon! THAT was no fun, being trapped at school with students and no power! :) Oh well, the excitement of public education!

Thanks for continuing to check on us. I will continue to keep updating whenever the mood strikes me! Please continue to keep Kevin's family in your thoughts and prayers, as he is doing better but not out of the woods yet.

Tuesday, September 7, 2004 10:15 PM CDT

Ok, this is the SECOND time I have updated this journal tonight....evidently the computer fairies are not playing nicely! A little box popped up just as I was finishing my first update and when I clicked it closed, POOF! away went my journal entry. So I will try again......

Anyway, volleyball has again entered our lives during what I thought was going to be a quiet sports year. Tessa can't play this year due to her back surgery, but she has been keeping stats for the team. This involves her going to pracitces and games, and keeping active with the team. I think she if glad to be back with her "gals", so it's a good thing. It also gives us games to go to, which keeps us busy, which is another good thing.

On Sunday we had lunch at Lynn's parent's house and visited with his grandma, who is 92. She has a hard time communicating but it was nice to see her out. On Sunday night we went to Indianapolis to have dinner at Jimmy Buffett's restaurant "Cheeseburger in Paradise". It was cool, and we had fun with Molly and Mark and the kids. I really missed Brock though....he would really have liked the place....loud, live music, and good food. Funny how things strike me sometimes, as far as missing him goes. Some days I trudge along, getting through the day ok, then other times something smacks me in the head like a ton of bricks and makes me miss him even more than usual. I guess it's the injustice of it all.....makes me mad to think about all the stuff he is missing out on with us. Very sad.......

Anyway, that's about it from here. Please keep Kevin's family in your thoughts and prayers (the link to his page is at the bottom of this one). He is fighting leukemia and is having a very rough time. Thanks for checking in on us!

Monday, August 30, 2004 8:26 PM CDT

Hi everyone. A huge thank you to everyone who signed the guestbook, emailed, called and sent cards for Brock's birthday. Fortunately, the anticipation of the day was worse than the actual day. "A little someone" (Nurse Nancy) had put a huge vase of sunflowers on Brock's bench at school, they looked beautiful. Tessa, Priscilla, Brittany and I wore Superman shirts to school, as did a few other kids. I got some cards delivered to me (thanks Pastor Jim) and several of my colleagues checked in with me during the day.

After school we had dinner at Taco Bell.....Brock loved it because he could eat lots for cheap! At about dusk, we went out to the cemetery with the sparklers from July 4th. Lynn, Tessa, Prissy, my Dad, Judy, and I all lit the sparklers and sang Happy Brithday, dancing around and acting silly. The girls broke into a spontaneous rendition of the Wapahani school song, again while waving sparklers. I'm sure anyone who saw us thought we had totally lost it! My brother and his family had put a nice bouquet of flowers in Brock's vase, so the girls took one flower each out of it and we walked down and put them in the vases on the graves of Nicole MacGregor and Brandon Barrett, two of Brock and Prissy's classmates who have been killed in car accidents over the last couple of years. It was a nice, fitting birthday celebration for a kid who loved life, loved being silly, and loved his family very much.

The rest of the week was kind of hard though. Every year out little town holds a festival called "Bluebird Days", and it is quite literally in our back yard! It is right across the alley that is our driveway, so we are in the thick of things whether we want to be or not. Anyway, for the past several years it has been during the week of Brock's birthday, and that was how he generally celebrated....we would have kids over, have cake and ice cream, then turn them loose on the rides and games. It was hard this year to have that going on without associating it with Brock's birthday. But we managed.

Thanks again for all the support. School is going well, kind of nice to be busy again. Will update again soon!

Monday, August 23, 2004 10:50 AM CDT

Dear Brock,
17 years ago today I walked (ok, waddled!) into Ball Memorial hospital, after a long night of labor, anticipating your birth. After only a couple of hours at the hospital you were born....proving even then that you did things your own way, in your own time. Several times during your birth I said "I can't do this", just as I am saying now about surviving without you. I proved then that I could do it, with your help, and I suppose once again I will survive, this time though seeking your help.

Brock, I love you and miss you SO much! You were my son, my friend, my hero. I will never forget the time we were driving home from yet another disappointing day at Riley, and I was letting my frustration, fear and anger show. You looked at me and said "This is just my life, Mom. It's what I have to do." So now, I guess, I must say the same....this is my life, this is what I have to do, try to go on and live in a way very different than what I had planned. I will miss seeing you grow up, go off into the world, make me a grandma. I will miss seeing you go to prom, graduation, college. And it just sucks!!!! But I do know that you lived your own way, in your own time, right up to when you passed away. You did the things you wanted to do, when you wanted to do them, and that makes me proud. You lived as Superman, every day of your too short life.

Happy Birthday Brock! I hope your celebration today is the best one you've ever had! We miss you, we love you, and we pray for your happiness and health. Until we meet again, Superman, we love you!

Mom, Dad, and Tessa

Monday, August 16, 2004 9:13 PM CDT

Hi everyone. Well, today was 6 months since Brock left us. I fell totally apart yesterday because I think I knew that I couldn't today, since I had to start back to school. It just still seems so surreal, that he isn't coming back. I wish I KNEW he was ok, happy, healthy. That would make my existence so much better. But, unfortunately, we just have to believe and assume.

Brock's birthday is next Monday. We saved some sparklers from the 4th of July, and I think we are going to take them out to the cemetery and light them. Brock loved fireworks, especially setting them off and scaring me to death! I think Tessa and/or Priscilla came up with the idea, and it seemed to fit. I don't know how I will make it through the day at school....guess I'll worry about that next week.

School starts for the kids tomorrow....Tessa will be in HIGH SCHOOL! What am I doing with kids that old!? ;) She is a little nervous, but she will be fine. That was part of the reason I chose to go teach at the high school this year instead of the middle school. She wanted me there, and she was going to be there, so away I went. New classes, new subjects, same students just older......hopefully it will be a good change for both of us.

Well, better get ready for the big day tomorrow. Thanks for stopping by to check on us. We still check the guestbook every day and appreciate the entries.

Thursday, August 12, 2004 9:42 AM CDT

Good morning. Just getting ready to go out to school and finish up my room. Finally got through the sorting, pitching, and organizing chores, so now I am just shelving and filing the stuff I kept. School starts on Monday for me, Tuesday for the kids, so our summer is almost over. Weather-wise, I think it is gone already! The temps this week have been fall-like, in the 70's at best, so it seems like the right time for school anyway. Tessa spent several gazillion dollars on school supplies, which she has a huge fondness for. I will be giggling as she tries to cram it all in her locker!

We are doing ok here, just keeping really, really busy. I have seen several of Brock's friends at school the last few days and it has been nice to see them. I have a giant Superman stand up cardboard figure that Lynn suggested go to school with me, so I think I am going to dust it off and take it to my room. He'll look good standing guard in the corner, and of course the Superman is most appropriate! Brock's bench looks nice at school. I am still working on writing a short piece to hang over it with his picture, but I can't seem to get what I want to say to sound right. It will come to me, I guess.

Thanks for stopping by to check in. I know I don't update very often anymore, but I will try to keep things going. It is just so hard sometimes to say the same things.....we miss Brock so much, it still hurts really badly, we wish he were back. I know you all already know those things, so I hesitate to keep repeating myself, but for us that's what every day feels like. Your continued support means a great deal to us! Thanks bunches!

Wednesday, August 4, 2004 8:36 PM CDT

Hi everyone. Hope all is well with you all. Things here have been busy this week. Only 2 weeks till school starts and Tessa and I have been working to get my new room at the high school put together.....NOT a small task! Lots of stuff to sort through, posters to hang up, a new computer to set up and new programs to learn......when will I ever have time to teach? :)

Today was Lynn and I's 20th anniversary, so we went out to dinner. It was kind of funny, the weather today was exactly like it was on our wedding day.....stormed this morning, kinda gray all day, then sunny for a little while this afternoon....kinda like our marriage has been! :)

Had a dream with Brock in it last night. It was pretty cool...he was only in a for a moment, but he was smiling at me and looked wonderful. I am taking it as a sign that all is well with him. I hope so......I guess you just gotta believe.

That's about it from here. Just wanted to do a quick update to let you all know what has been going on. I know the days will be tough leading up to Brock's birthday, but with everyone's love and support I know we'll get through it. Thanks for stopping by!

Tuesday, July 27, 2004 8:21 PM CDT

Good evening everyone. Having a really bad day, but I won't delve into it too far. Getting ready for school to start, moving over to teach at the school Brock went to, a few paperwork glitches in renewing my teaching license all have me in a major snit. Today has been one huge anxiety attack for me. I hate days like this!!!!! Thanks Molly......you know I can't do it without you to vent to!

My conference in Las Vegas last week was interesting, lots of good information on differentiating instruction for learners of various types and abilities in my classroom. Las Vegas itself, however, is kinda over the top for me. I am basically a small town girl, and even though I have been to Vegas before it is always overwhelming with the constant, 24/7 happenings. Got the opportunity to bond with some of my coworkers that I had never really had the chance to get to know so that was really cool. The same conference is in Vegas again next year, but hopefully by that time I will be working on my research project to finish my Masters degree, so I'm not sure I'll be able to attend again.

Brock's birthday is coming up soon, and that is tearing me up as well. We saved some sparklers from the 4th of July, and plan to take them to the cemetery and light them on his birthday. He loved fireworks.....I think he was probably a budding pyromaniac, so we thought that was fitting. Thanks, Priscilla, for the idea! You WILL be there with us!!! This whole thing is just SO unfair. I have been in one of those "I just don't know how I will go on living like this" moods. Apologies to my family for my erratic behavior! :0 Good days, bad days, they are all just days. Trying to cope with them all.

Thanks for stopping by and checking on us. I see by the counter that several people are still stopping by regularly. If you stop in, please sign the guest book. The entries help us immensely!

Friday, July 16, 2004 8:44 PM CDT

Good evening all. Well, I made it.....today was 5 months since Brock passed away, and I made it through without a complete breakdown. I hope that's a good sign in the grieving process. It was wierd.....the thought that today was 5 months popped into my head as SOON as I woke up this morning. Don't know what made me think of it so immediately. Anyway, the pain of missing him is still very real, although the gut-wrenching, double-me-over pain that I had almost daily the first few months seems to be coming less frequently now, although some days are worse than others. I am glad that the bad ones aren't as often. But the hole is still there.....still so big. I don't think it will ever really heal.

Tessa had her 6 weeks post surgery checkup on Wednesday, and Dr. Didelot was very pleased with her progress. She can lift up to 15 pounds now and is to start getting more exercise, swimming, jogging (yeah, right!), and light weights are all ok. He was happy with the healing of the scars, although he did say to keep them covered up this summer or they would not fade very well. Next checkup in 5 months! Go Tessa!

Thanks for continuing to think about us. We continue to plug along. Thanks for the guestbook entries. They continue to make us feel not so alone.

Saturday, July 10, 2004 9:21 PM CDT

Hi everyone. Hope everyone has had a good week. I had a weeklong workshop class at Ball State for a masters credit so I spent some classtime there. I must admit, it is MUCH easier being the teacher than the student! I did ok though, one more class down, 3 to go to get my masters in secondary ed finished, and a raise to go along with it! We keep plugging along......

Tessa is doing very well at this point. Her 6 week checkup is on Wednesday and I am anxious to hear what Dr. D has to say about increasing her activity. She has gotten a little lazier the last couple of weeks, even though she has been physically feeling better. I think those first few weeks she knew she had to do the walking and moving around to help her back heal, but now I think she is pretty much healed so she is slacking off a bit. We'll see what Wednesday brings!

This has been a very strange summer for us, as you can all imagine. Last summer, the sounds of kids running in and out of the house were everywhere, every day. This summer, without Brock, and with Tessa having to take it easy, it has been VERY quiet. I don't like it one bit! I miss the boys working on their cars, and the softball girls running in between games. I was talking to a friend about the upcoming school year, sports wise, and it is going to be strange as well. Tessa is out of sports for a year, so no fall volleyball or spring off-season. And without Brock, no required basketball attendance. We'll probably still go some, to support the other kids, but it won't be the same. It's funny to have your life revolve around kids and sports for so many years, then have it abruptly yanked out from under you. I don't like it AT ALL!!! :(

Anyway, we are still missing Brock like crazy. Tessa has had a few rough spots lately, especially when she was feeling crummy after her surgery. He was such a big inspiration to all of us, her especially I think, even though she may not have thought so at the time. I think she has a newfound admiration for all he went through, never complaining. It is so hard.......

Thanks again for continuing to check up on us. We have several things coming up, including me going to Las Vegas for a conference next week, and having to get all my school stuff moved from the middle school to the high school as I am teaching new classes this year....more new stuff to learn for me! School starts again in a little over a month! Where has the summer gone? Please sign the guestbook if you're here!

Sunday, July 4, 2004 11:46 AM CDT

Happy Independence Day all! Hope the weather where you are makes for great family time together today, and wonderful fireworks tonight!

We just got home from church, where the service was patriotic and they honored veterans past, present, and deceased. It was a very nice service. My father-in-law was in the Marines, and it was nice to see all the veterans recognized.

The memorial service at Riley on Tuesday was interesting. Molly and I went, and I was surprised at the number of people there....probably 60-70. There were 56 names of kids in the program, so I would have thought there would have been more people there. Anyway, the service was filled with scripture, reading, music, and a garden ceremony with the reading of the kids names. We both cried on and off during the whole thing, but all in all it was a nice tribute. It was still hard, though, to see Brock's name on that page. I guess part of me is still holding on to the thought that he will be back someday. Strange how our minds work......some days I am totally overwhelmed by the fact that he is truly gone, and some days it just seems as though he will show up at any minute. Most of the time, though, honestly, I just try to keep busy and not think.......

We are off to run some errands, then a barbque at Molly and Mark's to watch fireworks. I prefer to watch them from afar so no one gets hurt......Brock always loved setting them off at home, which always worried me to death! I love the big fireworks though, so I guess this year I can sit back and just watch with no worries of body parts being blown off...... :)

Thanks for checking on us, and please sign the guestook. Have a safe and happy 4th!

Tuesday, June 29, 2004 10:01 AM CDT

Hello. We are home now. Really missing the sound of the ocean waves and the sea breezes! Not much of that going on here in Indiana!

Tessa is doing well. I am very proud of her. Her 6 week checkup is July 14, and she is hoping to be released to do a little more activity after that. Right now walking around is the most she can do....no bending, carrying, lifting, etc. It does get her out of taking her laundry up and down the stairs though! :)

Tonight is a memorial service at Riley for kids who have passed away there recently and I am going to try to go. My good friend Molly (loveya!) is going to go with me as Lynn didn't think he wanted to. I hope its a good thing.....hearing Brock remembered, seeing and talking to other parents who are going through the same thing. That's one of the worst parts of all this, the feeling of aloneness I get sometimes, like no one else really understands all this. I hope it is a positive experience.

Once again this week Tessa and I have made a visit to the funeral home. Please remember Tessa's friend Ashlynn in your good thoughts and prayers.....her mom, Rachelle, passed away Saturday after a second battle with cancer. She was only 33......life is so unfair.....

One last thing.....Happy Birthday Brandon! One of my favorite "adopted kids" turns 18 today.....look out world! :)

Thanks for checking in on us. The summer seems to be rushing by so quickly.....sometimes I wish time would slow down some. Please sign the guestbook if you are here!

Friday, June 25, 2004 7:34 AM CDT

Good morning everyone. I am writing this update overlooking the ocean in HOT Daytona Beach, Florida! We have taken a short getaway, and Mother Nature seems to be making sure we get what we came here for....SUN and ocean waves! It has been very hot down here, in the 90's, with plenty of sun. We weren't able to be out for very long yesterday before Lynn got burned. I am planning on a bit more quality sun time for myself today!

Tessa continues to do well. Her pain is decreasing, and so is her need for her pain medicine. Those are all good signs, but she does still tend to get frustrated when she hurts. I talked to the doctor's assistant before we left, and she re-explained what a major surgery this had been, and that the pain of healing would probably last a while longer. Tessa seemed reassured, but wishes "a while longer" would hurry up and get over with!

I wrote "Hi Brock" in the sand on the beach yesterday, hoping he would see it. Lynn thinks he did. Anyway, still missing him like crazy, he would have loved this place....4 pools, a lazy river water ride, right on the ocean, and LOTS of cute girls! Not to mention tacky beach shops all up and down the street and tons of "biker" stuff....evidently Daytona Beach is one of the Biker Capitals of the world! Interesting...... We have seen tons of SUPERMAN stuff around here....I could go broke buying it all!

Well, thats it from here. Thanks for continuing to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We continue to move along each day, waiting to see what it brings. Hopefully we can handle it......

Friday, June 18, 2004 8:31 AM CDT

Good morning all. Things here continue to progress smoothly. Tessa is feeling stronger each day, doing more and more activity, and taking a little less pain medicine. All are good signs. She is getting frustrated that she still hurts, but this was a MAJOR surgery and it will take quite a while for her body to adapt. All in all she is doing well.

It has been kind of an odd week for us too. Wednesday marked 4 long months since Brock took flight, Thursday would have been my mom's 82nd birthday (she died when Brock was a baby), and today we got the news that the mom/aunt of some of Brock and Tessa's friends died of cancer. Tessa and I will go to the calling hours today, but I don't think we can take the funeral yet. Please remember the Duncan/Burk family in your thoughts and prayers as they go through this painful time.

All this has me thinking about how fragile life is, and how we all take so many things for granted. I am so glad that I am able to be off in the summer, to spend time with Tessa while she recuperates, and to have a little time to sort out things for myself. We have a busy summer going on, but it is still helpful just to have a few minutes once in a while to reflect, grieve, and look to the future with hope. I have tried to focus on something another grieving mom told me when I was down one day.....how would I want Brock to live his life if it were me that was gone? Of course I would want him to miss me, have wonderful memories of me, but live a happy, full, wonderful life. He would want the same for us......so I am trying to get on about things with that in mind. Thanks Jan!

On an up note, our Wapahani High School Baseball team will be playing Saturday morning at Victory Field in the State Finals game! We have our tickets, our t-shirts, and are ready to go! They are the first boy's team in our school's history to reach a state final, and our little town has really come out to support them. We hope to have about 1000 fans there! Brock never played school baseball, played little league, but not at school, so it is not painful for me to go watch them play....no memories there. Lots of Brock's friends play, so it will be awesome to bring home a state championship! Best of luck guys!!!!! See ya Saturday!

Thanks for checking in on us. Your continued support is much appreciated!

Sunday, June 13, 2004 5:59 PM CDT

Hello all. Well, this is the end of a somewhat stressful weekend at the Barnard house. Tessa's dance review was this weekend, and she was not happy about not being able to dance in it because of her back surgery. We went to rehearsal on Friday morning, then to the review Friday night, which proved to be too much activity for her for one day. She was in pretty severe pain by the time we got home Friday night. I felt badly for her.....she wanted so much to be out there dancing but couldn't. It had to be hard on her. Saturday night was a little better. She rested most of the day on Saturday and came to the review in the evening. She was able to sit through it, and to come up on stage for the finale. That made her feel a little better I think. All in all her healing is going very well though, thankfully.

Today we went to a get together for Lynn's grandma. She is 93 years old, and has had several mini strokes. She wanted to see all of her grandkids and great grandkids, so several of us went over to have lunch with her. She is in a nursing home now, but the luncheon was at her home. She cried as she went through her house.....I don't know how many more times she will get to be there. I do think she enjoyed seeing everyone, even if she had a hard time matching names and faces. It is hard to see her in her current condition....she has always been so active and alert.

I am still in my somewhat depressed mood that I came home from the hospital with. It is so hard missing Brock, and realizing that we will never see him again, that his absence is permanent. I hate this feeling......

Thanks for stopping by and checking in on us. We appreciate the continued support. Please sign the guestbook if you are here!

Tuesday, June 8, 2004 2:04 PM CDT

HI everyone. Things here continue to improve for Tessa. She is almost 2 weeks post surgery, and doing better every day. Today was her first real journey out of the house, had lunch at Fazoli's and a trip to Target. She did very well. She made it up the stairs to her room for the first time today too, and thinks she will be able to start sleeping up there tonight....she has been sleeping downstairs in our bed. I'm sure Lynn will be more than willing to come back down and sleep in his own bed tonight instead of on her futon!

I am very proud of her and they way she is handling her surgery and recovery. I do feel myself feeling more and more depressed about Brock, though. I think being back in the hospital and going through so much of the same stuff with Tessa that we did with him has really gotten me down. I hate feeling like this, but I don't know what to do about it. Part of the healing process, I guess. Hopefully eventually I will feel better........

Anyway, thanks for checking in on us. Please sign the guestbook if you are here. We appreciate all the support!

Friday, June 4, 2004 8:28 PM CDT

Good evening. Things here continue to progress nicely, surgery-wise. Tessa spent more time up today than in bed, so that was good. She is pretty much walking around and getting up and down on her own now, with little help from us. She managed a bath today, and a short walk up and down our driveway. She continues to have quite a bit of pain in her side from the incision under her armpit, but hopefully that will continue to ease up in the coming days. I know she is bored out of her mind but isn't really up to doing much......bummer! She seems to have more pain at night when she is trying to sleep, probably from the activity of the day.....which of course keeps Mom up and down all night too. Oh well, at least it's summer break!

So many things to do with Tessa and this surgery have brought back memories of Brock and his many surgeries and recuperations. It is funny how two kids can be so different, but be SO much alike! I can almost picture Brock looking down on Tessa and saying "See, I TOLD you it hurt!" :) We miss him every day, and several times during Tessa's stay at Riley I wasn't sure I could handle it, but we did. We have made so many friends there over the years that it almost seemed like a second home. I think I will be just as happy, though, if I never have to spend another night there again!

Thanks for checking in. Hopefully each day will bring Tessa more healing and strength, and less pain. We will keep you posted!

Tuesday, June 1, 2004 6:08 PM CDT

Wednesday p.m. update.....WE ARE HOME!!!! Got sprung from Riley about 3:30 p.m. Everyone here is looking forward to a good night's sleep....Ok, at least I am! Thanks for all the good thougths!

HI everyone. Well, today was quite eventful for Miss Tessa. She is now "tube-free".....her chest tube and drain tube were pulled today, and she handled it like a trooper. They took away her morphine PCA, so now she is relying only on oral pain meds to control her pain, which seems to be a little better without the tubes in. She has made a couple of laps around the room, and sat up in a chair for about an hour today. If she starts eating and drinking well and walking around tomorrow, she should be sent home on Thursday. Not a moment too soon for me! She is being a very good patient, although we did have to have a little chat this afternoon about her needing to push herself a little and work through some of the side effects of the pain meds, like dizziness. She did a good job though. I think she wants to go home too! :)

Thanks for checking in on Tessa's progress. Keep up the good thoughts and prayers for her continued healing process!

Monday, May 31, 2004 11:48 AM CDT

Hello, and Happy Memorial Day! Just a quick update on Tessa for today. She is doing ok, having somewhat more pain than I think she expected, but overall doing ok. The doc was in this morning and decided to leave her chest tube and drain tube in one more day because she is being more active and getting a little more drainage. She is turning herself in bed now, and sat up on the edge of the bed a couple of times yesterday. She has to keep that up today, then become more mobile tomorrow when the tubes all come out. Wish me luck! Best case scenario is that we come home Wednesday, but probably more like Thursday.

I came home last night for a shower and a good nights sleep, and am heading back down to Riley shortly. Lynn will come back home then, because he has to go back to work tomorrow. Thanks for keeping us all in your thoughts and prayers. I think Tessa will be very pleased with the results of her surgery, but it is gonna take some time to get there! Thanks for checking in!

Saturday, May 29, 2004 12:11 AM CDT

HI everyone. Today is Saturday, and Tessa is doing ok. The pain meds they gave her in surgery finally wore off yesterday afternoon, so she has had more pain last night and today. Her doc came in this morning and changed her pain meds around a little to see if that will help her. Right now she is mostly sleeping except when we have to turn her on her side every few hours. Hopefully tomorrow her chest tube and drainage tube will come out which will make her much more comfortable and make it easier for her to breathe. All in all, though, she is doing very well. And, she looks about 2 inches taller!

Thanks for checking in. It will be a long few days here. We were moved last night from the Stem Cell unit to the Heart Center here at Riley. Tessa had heart surgery as a baby and they wanted her heart monitored, so this was the place to be. It is very nice, newly remodeled a couple of years ago, and very different from the cancer center. A couple of Brock's nurses from the cancer center dropped by this morning to check on us. Thanks Kelly and Patty!

Thats all for now. More updates to follow! Thanks for the good thoughts and prayers!

Friday, May 28, 2004 9:50 AM CDT

Good morning. Tessa is doing great! Her surgery yesterday took about 8 hours, and Dr. Didelot is very pleased with the results. He showed us the "before and after" xrays and the straightening of her spine is incredible!!!!! It is amazing that as curved as her spine was that she was not having more complications. She is recovering well, probably moving to a regular floor this afternoon or tomorow. She has a chest tube in, which is making her uncomfortable but it should be out hopefully tomorrow. Her pain level is bearable, she has a button to push for her pain meds. She is really being a trooper, cooperating with being turned every couple of hours and not complaining about the pain (yet!). He dr said today will probably be her roughest day, as the surgical annesthesia wears off and the regular pain meds have to be adjusted to keep her comfy.

The toughest spot of the day.....after surgery, the ICU's here at Riley were full, so we were taken to the Stem Cell transplant unit for her ICU monitoring. Stem cell is on the same floor as the cancer center, literally just down the hall from the room Brock passed away in! I about freaked out.....ok, I DID freak out! I couldn't go in the room for a while, I let Lynn handle getting her situated, which he did very well. I am ok now, even just ran into our social worker and Brock's dr in the hallway. But, it was very freaky to say the least!

Well, back to the room. Thank you all so much for the continued good thoughts and prayers. Please keep us in mind as we spend several more days here with Tessa recuperating!

Thursday, May 27, 2004 12:17 AM CDT

HI. Just a very quick update.....we are at Riley, Tessa is in surgery, and so far doing well. They are doing a little more complicated surgery than originally planned, since her curve has increased yet again since January. She will have an incision not only down the middle of her back, but one running around her right side too, between two ribs. I will update more later this evening.....the dr anticipates an 8-10 hour surgery, and right now we are at about 4 1/2 hours. Keep the good thoughts and prayers coming!!!!

Sunday, May 23, 2004 7:28 PM CDT

Good evening all. Wow, a busy week here, and another one coming up! I'm not sure where to start, so I guess I'll just jump right in. Tessa's cardiology appointment went ok on Wednesday, and the dr cleared her for her back surgery later this week. They are seeing some abnormalities in her heart from her original surgery, but nothing to worry about right now. Bottom line is, she will probably have to have another surgery later in her teens/early 20's to replace a valve that was damaged in her original surgery 13 years ago. But for now, she is good to go with no restrictions on activity. Yay! So.....her back surgery is on for Thursday morning at Riley. Please keep her and our family in your thoughts and prayers. I'm sure she will have a few uncomfortable days, but I think in the end it will be worth it for her.

Last night was a talent show for middle school/high school kids in our community. It was dedicated to Brock, and I made the "mistake" of going to it. Bad move.....I spent a good part of it in the hallway crying. One of my fellow teachers sang Eric Clapton's song "Tears in Heaven" while the DVD slide show from Brock's funeral played. Man, I totally lost it. A couple of other songs got to me too. Guess I wasn't ready for that kind of exposure again......

Brock's bench should be finished and at school by the end of the week, hopefully. My parents did a wonderful job of refinishing an antique church pew, and a fellow teacher is engraving a plaque for it. Our plan is to have it in place before school is out on Thursday, which is when our summer break starts. Keep fingers crossed that we get it done!

We have also been "car shopping" this week. My van has LOTS of miles on it, several things that need fixing, and really does need replaced. I am thankful that my parents just bought a new vehicle a couple of weeks ago, and are helping us get the best deal. I have so many numbers, colors, prices, etc. spinning in my head, gives me a headache! Oh well, once its done I'm sure I'll be pleased.

The last bit of info I have is that Brock's permanent headstone was put in place this week, and it is beautiful! The cemetery he is in requires the flat markers, and this one is finished with a shiny black finish, with the lettering and symbols in brushed bronze. It has his name, dates, and a basketball and a peace symbol on it. He would be pleased, I think.....nothing fancy, just him. We went to see it Thursday evening and were very pleased with it.

Well, thats about it from here. Please keep the good vibes coming for Tessa as she has her surgery this week. Also, please send good thoughts and prayers to the York family....one of Tessa's classmates, Jessica, lost her dad in a railroad accident this week. I'm sure they can use the prayers. Thanks for checking on us! We appreciate you all!

Sunday, May 16, 2004 5:48 PM CDT

Well, here it is, the 16th of the month again....3 months since Brock passed away. Will there ever come a day, I wonder, when this day of the month won't slap me in the face and remind me of what I have lost? People say it gets easier with time, the memories soften. Can't say I am anywhere near that point yet.....

3 months....it seems like so long ago, but I know in the big picture of the rest of my life it is just a drop in the bucket. I can't imagine what the next months, years, decades will hold for each of us. The idea that Brock won't get to experience the things that happen to you in your life after you're 16 really makes me mad. Proms, graduation, college, jobs, relationships....he will miss it all. He is forever 16, stuck in that awkward time between mature and immature, kid and adult. Maybe someday it will comfort me that he is forever 16, but right now the anger tends to win out in the feelings department.

We have another Riley visit on Wednesday....Tessa's surgeon decided that he needed clearance from her cardiologist before proceeding with her surgery, so we have to make yet another trip down there to be checked out by a cardiologist. Funny, you would think they might have though of this before now, since the surgery had been scheduled since January!!!! Oh well, better safe than sorry. Thank you all for keeping Tessa and her upcoming surgery in your prayers.

Thanks for checking in on us. We continue to muddle through, day by day, trying to carve out a new pathway through this life. We really appreciate all your continued support and good thoughts. They really help us out.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004 9:44 PM CDT

Hello all. This is actually more of a "Tessa update" than anything else. Tessa had her pre-op workup at Riley today for her scoliosis surgery on the 27th of May. It was HARD, going back to Riley for the first time since Brock passed away there, but it had to be done, so we did it. We saw lots of folks there we knew, the first one being Brock's surgeon (in the parking garage, no less!) We ran into him again in the building and he stopped to chat and tell us how special Brock was. That started my tears, but I got better when we went up to the HemOnc clinic to visit the gals there. I was scared, but felt right at home as soon as we got in there. Very wierd, but at home. We had to go to a couple of new service areas too so that was different for us, but also went to some of the same ones Brock had been to....radiology, etc. Everyone was still nice as could be.

As for Tessa....things went well. She had a neurology checkup to do a baseline neruosensory scan to compare the readings they will take during surgery with. If anything looks out of whack the will know to look for pressure on the spinal cord and fix it. Then she had her first EVER blood draw....and she didn't like it a bit! ;) Then an EKG and scoliosis xray and we were out of there. They gave us some additional info on the surgery and Tessa asked more questions. Sounds complicated to me, but I am sure they know what they are doing! Tessa is anxious to just get on with it and get it over. Can't say I blame her!

On kind of a humorous note, we also had a stop today at the Central Indiana Regional Blood Center for Lynn to donate 2 units of blood for Tessa since they are the same blood type. Lynn was all psyched up for the procedure, then they came in and asked him what he had had to eat the last couple of days.....his blood was too "fatty" for their machine to process it! Hhhhmmmm...smoked sausage and a cheeseburger and fries....think that might have done it? ;) Anyway, they didn't do the donation today, he has to clean up his diet and try it again in a few days! That was good for a few jokes today!

So, that is our next bridge to cross....Tessa's surgery and inpatient stay at Riley. Keep the good thoughts coming for her please, and for our family as we face yet another Riley adventure. Thanks for keeping our family in your thoughts and prayers!

Saturday, May 8, 2004 8:18 PM CDT

Dear Brock and Tessa,

This Mother's Day is one of the hardest days of my life. I gave birth to two babies, raised two children, and have two kids in my heart. Only having one of you here beside me on Earth is heartbreaking for me.

Brock, I love and miss you SO much. Some days the pain of missing you is almost unbearable. I search every day for reminders of you....your voice, your smile, your humor. There is a huge piece of my heart missing, that went with you when you passed away. It will never heal, I fear. I hope and pray that you are in a place with no pain, no cancer, and no cares. You will always be my Superman!

Tessa, I love you and am SO proud of you! You are beautiful, smart, funny...everything I could ever want in a daughter! I know you miss Brock every day too, and I wish I could take that pain away from you. You are handling your life in such a mature way, though, that I know you will be ok. I am so glad to have you in my life!

This Mother's day, I celebrate the two wonderful children I have in my life. One lives here, with me.....the other in Heaven. I will never know why my son had to leave so soon, but I know that while he was here, he accomplished more than many people do in a much longer lifetime. Thank you, God, for Brock and Tessa. They have changed my life, and I am so grateful for that.

Love you always,
Mom

Sunday, May 2, 2004 7:48 PM CDT

Good evening. Well, volleyball is officially over for another offseason! Tessa's team played in Kokomo today for their last offseason tournament. It was a quick one, unfortunately.....it actually took us longer to drive there than it did for them to play their match! Not quite the ending they had probably hoped for, but we did use it to our advantage! We were able to meet up with one of my best teacher friends, Laveena, who lives in the area. We shopped and had dinner with her before heading back home. It was great to see "Aunt Mimi", as Tessa calls her, since we hadn't seen her since Brock's funeral.

Brock's funeral....that still seems unreal to say or write. I really miss him today. Even though he probably would have found something "better" to do today than to go to his sister's volleyball tournament with us, it still seemed so empty for him not to be there, or at least to be here waiting for us when we got home. I don't know if I will ever get used to this.....

My dad found an antique church pew at an antiques store, and it is now refinished for Brock's bench area at school. I need to figure out a way to get the Superman symbol on the back of it, and get a small memorial plaque for it, and it will be ready to go to school. We would like to have it there by the end of school (18 days!) so I'll need to hurry. If not, we can definitely have it there by the beginning of school next fall.

Thanks for checking in on us. We still need and appreciate the support. Please sign the guestbook!

Sunday, April 25, 2004 8:30 PM CDT

Hello. Well, another volleyball weekend over with! Tessa's Saturday tournament was cancelled, so we hopped out of bed early on Saturday morning to go out to the high school to do "Lisa's Run", a 5k walk/run to benefit the Wapahani scholarship fund in memory of Lisa Gibson Schmidt, a gal I went to high school with who was taken by breast cancer a couple of years ago. It was a beautiful, cool, clear morning, and I was thrilled to see so many people there! Lynn, Tessa and I walked the 5k, and I must say that we all felt it today! Lynn actually won a trophy for second place in his age group (OLD!). It was kind of funny....... :) I try to support causes like this one, because so many people in our community have supported us throughout Brock's treatment and passing.

Tessa's volleyball tournament today was a home tourney at the high school, so it was nice to only be 5 minutes away instead of a couple of hours! They did ok, but I think their minds were elsewhere....mainly softball, which has also started. Hard for them to concentrate on one when they are already practicing for the other. Only 1 more volleyball tournament to go and the off season is over. I think we can make it!

Lynn's uncle Bob was buried yesterday, in the same garden in the same cemetery as Brock. That makes 3 people we know in that garden. Maybe they are looking out for one another????? I hope so.....

Thanks for checking in on us. Only 4 more weeks of school left then summer break! Tessa's surgery is May 27, so keep us in your prayers for a safe, successful surgery!

Wednesday, April 21, 2004 8:23 PM CDT

Good evening. Things here are going ok. Last Friday was a very tough day, but we made it through. Many more tough days to come, I am sure. Volleyball kept us busy all weekend, so that was good. Tessa's team won the Silver medal pool at Logansport on Saturday which was very cool! Congratulations to all the girls! Sunday's tournament was smaller but they did ok in it too. One more volleyball marathon weekend and the offseason is basically over....but softball starts! One thing after another....glad I like sports!

We have had a couple of nice things happen to remember Brock this past week. On the suggestion of a new friend I met at the grief support group I have been attending, I spoke to Mr. Rausch, the principal at Wapahani, about having some sort of a memorial space for Brock at the school. I chose a small area right outside Nurse Nancy's office, which was where Brock spent most of his last few months at school. My dad is working on getting a bench to put there, with the Superman symbol painted on the back and a small memorial plaque. It will be a nice place where kids can sit between classes, and it is right inside the front doors of the school. Mr. Rausch was all for it, so I felt great about that. I'm sure it will take a little while to get done, but I hope to have it in place when we go back to school next fall.

The second thing was a very nice meeting with Steve and Jan Knote. They were instrumental in the "Rock for Brock" fundraiser last November. They suggested a scholarship fund in Brock's honor, with the first award being presented to a member of the Class of 2006, which would have been Brock's graduating class. They had lots of great ideas for raising funds for the scholarship. I think it is an awesome idea, and truly a way for the school and community to continue to remember Brock. I was thrilled with both ideas, to say the least. They helped ease my fear that Brock will be forgotten.

On a sad note, Lynn's uncle Bob Lynn passed away this morning. Please continue to remember our extended family in your prayers. Thank you so much for the continued support you have all shown our family. It really means a lot to us!

Friday, April 16, 2004 4:38 PM CDT

Hello. Today is 2 months since Brock's passing. Not much to say today really. Just trying to cope with the intense, burning pain we are feeling. In some ways it still seems so unreal, yet I know from how badly I am hurting that it is all too real......the hole in my soul continues to ache.

Tessa has 2 volleyball tournaments this weekend, so maybe that will occupy my mind somewhat. They are both kind of far away (a couple of hours) so it will be a long day both Saturday and Sunday. Good luck to her and her team both days!

Thanks for stopping by. I am not writing much today because I hurt so badly, and don't want to make a sloppy scene. Thank you all for signing the guest book. Reading it makes us feel not so alone.

Monday, April 12, 2004 7:39 PM CDT

Hi everyone. Well, we made it through our first "holiday" without Brock. It was very strange. It is strange to be a family of 3 instead of 4.....something just doesn't feel right....imagine that.....

Anyway, we had lunch with Lynn's mom and dad, which was nice. Thanks for the invitation! :) Then a trip to the grocery was in order, since the cats were out of food (never mind the humans!) and they were making it pretty clear that they were not happy about it! I noticed something about the grocery that I shared with Lynn....it is so strange to go and not scan the aisles for things Brock could eat or drink, things that might put weight back on him, thnigs that he could swallow. I spent so much time his last 3 or 4 months obsessing over what I could get in him food-wise that it was wierd to just buy regular stuff for the rest of us. I guess when some of your worries are over, others are just beginning....sigh...........

On an up note, Tessa's volleyball team did well in their tournament on Saturday, taking all their matches to 3 games. It gave mom a serious case of bleacher butt, but it was good to watch her play. Her back is hurting her quite a bit now, so she is very anxious to get the problem corrected. I don't think it upsets her too much that she might end up an inch or so taller too! Just what I need, a tall, gorgeous blonde for a daughter!

Thank you so much to whoever put the lovely white tulip in Brock's gravesite vase! It made me feel good to know that other people still think about him. We had to go to the cemetery this evening to pick up some paperwork, and saw the flower when we went back to his spot. It was raining so we didn't stay long, but we also cruised by the sites of two of Brock's friends, Brandon and Nicole, who were both killed in car accidents during the last 2 years. Very sad that their sophomore class of barely 100 kids has lost 3 of their own in the last 2 years. Nothing bad should ever happen to kids!!!!!!!

Thanks for stopping by to check on us. We continue to grieve, cry, think, and hopefully heal. Your continued support helps us immensely!

Sunday, April 11, 2004 11:43 AM CDT

Happy Easter everyone! Hope everyone has a wonderful day today! We are getting ready to go to Lynn's parents house for lunch. We have been really lazy this morning, but now we have to get moving!

I had many memories this morning of Easter mornings when the kids were little. I remember the Easter baskets, the egg hunts, and Tessa's favorite stuffed animal, a silky bunny she got many Easter's ago. We miss Brock a lot this morning, and although they had both passed the Easter basket stage a while ago, they would still expect a little something from the "bunny". :) I miss picking out candy for them, and a few surprises for this morning. Another difficult "first" I guess. Many more to come, too, I fear.

Well, off to the family gathering. Have a great day, and thanks for stopping by. Please don't forget to sign the guestbook!

Wednesday, April 7, 2004 4:44 PM CDT

HI everyone. Just a quick update today, not really much to report, but I just wanted to say hi and let you all know we have not dropped off the face of the earth! We may have felt like it at times, but it hasn't happened yet!

Tessa is at Harris Chapel helping with the "10,000 Easter Egg Hunt"! That should be fun for her. She loves little kids, so helping them find eggs should be a good time for her. I am getting ready to go to my first meeting of a support group called "Growing Through Grief" at the Hospice Center at our local hospital. Not sure what I am looking for there really, but I thought I would at least go and check it out. Maybe get some helpful information for this journey.

Thanks for stopping to check on us. I have added a new pic to the photo album. It is a family pic taken last November. Check it out, and be sure to sign the guestbook! Thank you all for caring about us!

Thursday, April 1, 2004 7:20 PM CST

Good evening everyone. Thanks for stopping by to check on us. Things here are quiet....Tessa is at volleyball practice, so she will need picked up shortly. She has only a one day tournament Saturday, so it will be a relatively short volleyball weekend for us. She is getting very anxious (in a good way!) about her upcoming back surgery to repair her scoliosis. It is scheduled for May 27, which is our last day of school. Keep us in your prayers for a successful surgery!

We all continue to struggle daily with Brock's absence. We each deal with it differently, but we are each keenly aware every day of how much different things are without him here. We all miss him more than words can possibly express. We are each trying to find our own path, our own new version of "normal". I have no idea how long it will take, but I don't think it's going to be a quick journey.


I have joined an online support group called DaybyDay for parents who have lost children to cancer. It comforts me a lot to read the posts from other parents who have walked this path, giving me some hope that someday this emotional rollercoaster will even out a bit. It doesn't, however, provide any answers to the question I want answered most...WHY?????? Why Brock, why us, why kids in general? I don't know if I'll ever get the answers to those, but I am going to keep looking!

Thanks again for keeping up on us. Please sign the guestbook if you would. It is a great comfort to read the entries and know that Brock is still in so many people's hearts.

Thursday, April 1, 2004 7:20 PM CST

Good evening everyone. Thanks for stopping by to check on us. Things here are quiet....Tessa is at volleyball practice, so she will need picked up shortly. She has only a one day tournament Saturday, so it will be a relatively short volleyball weekend for us. She is getting very anxious (in a good way!) about her upcoming back surgery to repair her scoliosis. It is scheduled for May 27, which is our last day of school. Keep us in your prayers for a successful surgery!

We all continue to struggle daily with Brock's absence. We each deal with it differently, but we are each keenly aware every day of how much different things are without him here. We all miss him more than words can possibly express. We are each trying to find our own path, our own new version of "normal". I have no idea how long it will take, but I don't think it's going to be a quick journey.


I have joined an online support group called DaybyDay for parents who have lost children to cancer. It comforts me a lot to read the posts from other parents who have walked this path, giving me some hope that someday this emotional rollercoaster will even out a bit. It doesn't, however, provide any answers to the question I want answered most...WHY?????? Why Brock, why us, why kids in general? I don't know if I'll ever get the answers to those, but I am going to keep looking!

Thanks again for keeping up on us. Please sign the guestbook if you would. It is a great comfort to read the entried and know that Brock is still in so many people's hearts.

Monday, March 29, 2004 9:47 AM CST

Hello all. Back to the routine today, school and work. Ick. Thankfully when we got back to Indiana the temps were in the 70's all weekend and it was mostly sunny. I think if we had come back to cold and snow it would have just set me right over the edge! Saturday was a very tough day for me....I cried on and off for most of it. It was so much easier to relax and have fun on vacation...the sand, the surf, the change in scenery. But back home.....reality set in once again, and I didn't handle it very well. My house is a mess, Brock's chair is still empty, and I hate all of it! I think some serious spring cleaning is in order, decluttering, maybe rearranging furniture. We have talked about buying a new house, but I'm not sure we're ready for that. On one hand I would love it....our house is old and needs some work done to it.....but on the other hand I can't imagine leaving the place where all the memories are. I know, I truly am decision-impared!

Thanks to Pastor Jim for visiting Brock's gravesite while we were gone. Strangely, I worried about going away and leaving him "alone". We appreciate all the love and support from so many people in our families and our community. My biggest fear is that Brock will be forgotten. It is comforting to know that so many people still think of him on a regular basis. Thanks to all who visit us here.

On a sad note, our little friend Savannah lost her fight with Wilms over the weekend. Please pray for comfort for the Olsen family as they begin this long, painful journey.

Friday, March 26, 2004 9:37 PM CST

Well, we are back from our spring break vacation! We had a great time with our friends the Ervins, it was really great to have them there with us. The weather could have been better, sunny but cool, only in the 60's most of the time...better than Indiana though!

We did some shopping, go kart riding, walking on the beach, sefood eating, and....if you can believe this....Tessa and Lynn even did one of those bungee swing things! I couldn't believe they did it, and of course our digital camera batteries pooped out just before they got on the swing! So, I have no photographic evidence, you'll just have to take my word for it!

I missed Brock a lot...he would have loved this trip. I only broke down a couple of times though, once on our dolphin cruise while we watched the sunset, and once before we came home. It was almost nice to be somewhere else, out of my house, away from everything, not having to think about things. The thought of coming home, back to "real life" really got to me the day we left. I am ok now that we are home, but it was hard to leave and hard to come back.

Thats it for tonight. I will write more later. Now though, I think I am ready to call it a night! Thanks for stopping by and checking in. Please don't forget to sign the guestbook!

Friday, March 19, 2004 4:36 PM CST

Well, we are packing to hit the road in the morning for Florida. I can't even begin to explain how strange this feels! Brock should be here, hooking up the tv and stuff, griping about spending long hours in the van with his sister!!!!! I made a trip to the cemetary this afternoon to "chat" with him about it. I know he is with me no matter where I am, but I just wish I could see him having fun with us. Some of it is guilt about leaving him behind, but some of it is just plain missing his company. I got a good feeling while I was at the cemetary though, so I took that as a good sign.

Thanks for all the nice guestbook entries. They really make us feel good about Brock's life....he touched so many people, and his story has touched even more. Please continue to pray for our family, and please continue to sign the guestbook when you stop by. Off to Florida we go!

Thursday, March 18, 2004 6:36 AM CST

Good morning. We have a 2 hour fog delay from school this morning, so I thought I would post a quick entry here. Things are going ok. We are gearing up for our spring break trip to Destin, Florida. We leave Saturday morning with our good friends Molly and Mark and kids Priscilla and Zach. It seems very strange to be doing all this without Brock, but I guess its something we are going to have to get used to.

It is funny, though, how certain people in the family take on certain roles. Brock was the techno-dude in our family. When we travel we usually hook up a small TV and Playstation 2 in our van so the kids can watch DVD's or play games. That was always Brock's job, hooking all the stuff up. I laughed a little last night as I thought about whether any of the rest of us were capable of figuring all that electronic stuff out! Hopefully Lynn can, because I'm sure I can't! :)

Thanks for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers, we do appreciate it. Pray for good weather for us, and for the making of good memories. It will be a struggle, I'm sure.

Monday, March 15, 2004 9:54 AM CST

It has been 4 weeks today since Brock took his last breath and left us behind. In some ways it seems like forever ago....in others, only a moment. We continue to struggle with missing him, as I am sure we will do forever. Our lives have been irrepairably broken, and I don't know how long, if ever, it will take for them to be fixed.

I personally am struggling with some anger. Not at anyone in particular, just at the idea that this nasty disease had the power to take my son. I know in my heart, and I know Brock knew too, that we did all we possibly could for him, medically. We tried every avenue that could possibly give us a positive outcome, but the disease was just stronger than anything we had to throw at it. I have no guilt in the decisions we made regarding Brock's treatment, just anger that it didn't work. No one should have to go through this!

We love you Superman, more than ever! And we miss you terribly! I hope you think about us as much as we think about you! Fly high!

Thursday, March 11, 2004 8:17 PM CST

Good evening. Kinda quiet here at the Barnard house. Just picked Tessa up from volleyball practice. Only one tournament this weekend...almost like a vacation!

We continue to try to mend and heal. I have noticed something though. Grief and fear are very different things, at least for me. I was reading through the webpages of some of our cyberfriends who are still battling this beast of a disease and they are dealing with new relapses, fevers, pain, illness, low blood counts, hospital stays, etc. They are living with the fear we lived with for so long....the fear of the unknown, of what might happen. I hated that....the fear, terror, worry, anxiety, the intense quick pain that would well up at a word or a thought. I can't believe we lived that way for so long.

Grief is different. It is a deep, long, dark pain that stays with you at all times, dull and aching. It can be intense, but you know the cause. The outcome has already happened. The fear of the unknown is gone, but the emptiness of the one you miss replaces it. Time seems to stand still, kind of waiting for your world to right itself.

I think the fear was worse. Living in constant terror is almost impossible to bear. I understand that eventually the grief subsides and gets better. You get on with your life, although it is a much different life than you had before. Thank you Leah for the late night phone call last night. You put some hope back into me.

Please pray for our friends Savannah, Kevin, and Cammie. They have all had serious difficulties this week, and they are still struggling. Help their families find the strength they need to continue the fight. And help our family find the strength to cope and go on, one day at a time. Thanks for your continued love and support. We appreciate it!

Sunday, March 7, 2004 6:39 PM CST

Hello. Just got home from our second volleyball tournament this weekend and we are all pooped! Today's tourney was much more successful than yesterday's. The girls played well today and won 5 of 6 games, so it was a good day. Yesterday was a bit of an off day for them so it made for a long day. Tessa did well today and we are very proud of her!

We are all starting to miss Brock very much. We are all keeping busy, but we each have our own "meltdown" triggers to cope with. I know for me as long as I am busy I am ok, but when I have quiet time or alone time I really have a hard time with missing him. Night time is the worst for me. I think the realization that he is gone and not coming back has started to sink in. I don't like it!

Lynn has to go to Chicago for 3 days this week, and I am actually a little nervous about it. I usually like a little change in our routine but this time it will be different. I have not been sleeping well, and I think it will be worse with him gone. Send me good thoughts and prayers! I will need them!

We are looking forward to our spring break trip to Florida. I hope it brings some much needed peace to each of us. It feels strange though, planning for a trip without Brock. Almost feels guilty going away without him. Can't really explain it. I hope it goes well though, with some happy memories.

Well, that's it for tonight. Sorry if this was kind of a bummer, but that is what we are dealing with here. Thank you for continuing to check in on us. We appreciate the support.

Thursday, March 4, 2004 7:36 PM CST

Good evening. Just a quick entry tonight, as I have to pick Tessa up at volleyball shortly. Things here are ok. We are all still coping, breathing, putting one foot in front of the other. I guess I might even use the word "numb" because that's kind of how I feel...not hysterical, not living in fear like before when Brock was sick, just kind of a blah feeling. I am hoping our spring break trip perks us all up a little. Just found out today that another person from my school will be staying at the same condo complex with his family, and they have been there several times. I'm sure we'll take their advice on what restaurants to go to and sights to see!

Going back to school went well. The kids were all great, kind of encircling me when I got there, behaving themselves nicely (I teach middle school, which is definitely a hard age for them too). All in all a smooth transition though. That was good, I was a little worried about how we all would react.

Two volleyball tournaments this weekend, Saturday and Sunday, so we will be busy. That's probably a good thing. Tessa loves playing volleyball and we love watching her, so it is a nice diversion for us all.

Thanks for checking in! Talk to you all later!

Monday, March 1, 2004 7:20 PM CST

Good evening all. Wow, the house is STILL too quiet! I guess this is something I am going to have to slowly get used to. Tessa went to the mall with some friends tonight and again, Lynn and I are wondering what to do with ourselves. I'm not sure how long this will take, getting used to all the inactivity here. I want to let Tessa go and do things with her friends though, so I guess we'll have to manage.

Got a confirmation letter in the mail today for our spring break trip to Florida. We have had it planned for quite a while now, and weren't sure what to do about it after Brock passed away. At first we were just going to go as a threesome, then we decided to let Tessa invite a friend. Then the idea came to take some friends of our own with us, so our friends Molly and Mark and their kids Priscilla and Zack are going along. Priscilla was who Tessa had chosen to take anyway, and the condo is plenty big, so I think it will be a fun time! I know we could all use some bonding time, as well as some relaxation and reflection time. Pray for good weather for us.....I would hate to have to spend money at a tanning salon on vacation in Florida! :)

Our high school boys basketball team plays in the sectional game tomorrow night, but I'm not sure we'll go. That senior night meltdown really got to me, so I think maybe we'll stay home and wait for an update after the game. It is hard to watch the boys that Brock grew up playing with out there playing. I hope that gets better for me though, because I really loved watching them play.

Well, that's about it from here. Please remember to sign the guestbook. We love to see the activity there, a sign to us that Brock's memory lives on.

Saturday, February 28, 2004 7:17 AM CST

Good morning. It is Saturday morning, and the house is VERY quiet....too quiet in my opinion! Tessa spent the night at a sleepover at Selma United Methodist Church with the youth group doing the 30 Hour Famine to raise awareness about famine and homelessness. Lynn and I have had coffee, and now I am wondering what to do next. We still have a few thank you cards to write and lots of plants to water! I don't like this much quiet in the house though....I much prefer the house with lots of activity, kids running in and out, all that kind of stuff.

It has been a week since Brock's funeral, and we all appear to be coping. I am glad that Tessa is back into her routine and hanging out with her friends....I think they will be a huge help to her. I am going back to school on Monday, which I'm sure will be trying for a few days. Lynn has to go to Chicago for work for 3 days the week after next so it will just be Tessa and I. Life goes on I guess. I feel like my life has been 4 squares, but now one square is missing. I wander around the other 3 squares just wondering what to do next.....

Tessa and I had a "girl day" yesterday. I let her stay home from school and we had breakfast out, did some errands, and managed a little shopping. I think she enjoyed it and needed the time with me....I know I needed the time with her! She is quite the spirited young lady, very good company, and lots of fun! I know how precious this time is and wouldn't trade it for the world. I love you Tessa!

That's about it from here. Thanks for stopping by and checking in. Please continue to leave your thoughts about Brock or just say hi in the guest book. We love hearing from everyone!

Wednesday, February 25, 2004 5:41 PM CST

Good evening. A quiet night here, not sure I can stand it! I had my first *major* meltdown last night....hope there aren't many more like it, but I'm sure there will be. It was Senior Night at the boys basketball game, and for some reason watching the seniors and their parents walk out onto the floor to be honored just really hit me hard. I began thinking about all the things I wouldn't get to do with Brock....senior night, prom, graduation. We had to leave before the varsity game even started because I couldn't handle it. Oh well, I this is part of the healing process I assume. I don't like it though!!!!!!

Just took Tessa out to Youth Group. Have to go back and get her later....Mom's Taxi Service is back in business! She got her offseason volleyball schedule on Monday....14 tournaments between now and May 16th! That is pretty much every weekend, Saturday or Sunday or both, for the next two and a half months! That ought to help keep us busy!

Thanks for continuing to check in on us. I'm sure this is going to be a very long road and we appreciate the support. Please continue to leave your thoughts and memories of Brock for us to read. It is very comforting.

Sunday, February 22, 2004 5:18 PM CST

Hello. We have managed to keep ourselves busy today, so I though I would update with what we have done. We went to the cemetery to see Brock's grave today. The temporary marker is on it and the flowers are still there. One flower arrangement in particular looks awesome.....the Superman symbol done in red, yellow, and blue carnations. It is on a stand on the grave. It was almost surreal to stand there and think that it was the grave of my son. But it was almost comforting in a way too, knowing the has been buried and there is closure for us to see the grave. Hard to explain.......we will choose a permanent marker for it soon, but the temporary one can stay in place for 60 days. One kind of nice thing happened. As Lynn was walking around the area of the cemetery where Brock is, he found the grave of a friend of his who died of cancer a year or so ago. Dan was a great guy, a devout Christian who never doubted his place in the universe. His grave is very close to Brock's, and we didn't even know it! It is nice to know Dan is close by to keep tabs on Brock!

The rest of the day was spent running errands, Wal Mart, Target, that kind of stuff. The day here was sunny and almost 50 degrees so we did a few things outside. Brock's friend Kent and our friend Kim designed a window decal for Brock that has his name inside the Superman shield with a halo around it. We washed our car windows and got those on our vehicles. Thanks guys!

Lynn is going back to work tomorrow, and Tessa is going back to school. I will take this week off to try to get loose ends tied up.....life insurance, bank accounts, medical bills, etc. This will be a real test for me, being alone with my thoughts for the first time since Brock died. But I want to get things done so they don't keep popping up and surprising us. Also, I teach middle school and the kids are still very clingy at that age. I'm not sure I'm ready to go back and deal with their grief too.....they can fall apart, but I still have to stand up there and teach class! So I think a few more days off for me are in order.

We took some pictures at the cemetery today. If I can I will try to get some uploaded here, but I'm not sure if I can because the battery in the digital camera pooped out while Lynn was taking the pics. We'll see what happens. Thanks for continuing to check on us. Please don't forget to leave us your memories of Brock in the guestbook. It is comforting to read them.

Saturday, February 21, 2004 7:23 AM CST

Brock's funeral yesterday was beautiful.....just like he would have wanted it. We have so many people to thank, I am afraid to even try for fear of missing someone! Just know that if you were there with us at the calling or the funeral, we really appreciate it! I do feel the need to tell all of you guys on the Wapahani basketball team how much it meant to us to see you all there....I know how hard it was for all of you. You are all awesome kids!!!!!!

The casket had his Superman beach towel draped over it, his letter jacket on top, and his signed basketball and volleyball on it. His uniform and warm ups were hanging on a stand with his picture. Several people sent arrangements with a basketball theme. It was all great. My friend Alice put together an awesome DVD of pictures and music that was shown on a screen at the front of the church during the calling and before the funeral. It was beautiful, even though I cried through the whole thing! Tessa made a CD of some of Brock's favorite music which played during the calling and before the funeral too. It was perfect.

The procession to the cemetery was almost comical. We had 5 police cars and over 100 cars! One of the officers estimated the procession to be over 5 miles long! I know Brock was looking down and laughing at us! :) It was a little rainy and gray at the cemetery so his final service was inside the tiny chapel. It was packed completely, another testament to people's love of Brock!

Pastor Jim did a wonderful job, even quoting some of the messages from this website. Mike and Rob, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. It made us feel that he was with us, listening to every word. Nancy, you were his friend, his confidant, and we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. I hope you have some stories to share with me someday that I don't already know about! :)

To Molly, Teri, Jenni, Alice and the girls, thanks so much. You know I don't can't even tell you how much you all mean to me! To our families.....thanks for everything. You know we will get better as time goes on. To the Ladies of Harris Chapel, thank you so much for the dinner after the funeral. It was a nice time to relax and spend with family and friends. And finally, to all of Tessa's friends, thank you for keeping her surrounded by love. She will need you all for a very long time!

Well, that's about it for today. Please continue to sign the guestbook, and please leave any thoughts, memories, or stories you have about Brock! We take comfort in knowing that so many people loved and cared about him!

With much love, LeeAnn, Lynn, and Tessa

Thursday, February 19, 2004 9:18 PM CST

Brock's calling tonight was awesome! We estimate at least 1000 people filing in through this huge church sanctuary for almost 5 hours.....a real testimony to the number of lives Brock has touched. Thanks to the nurses from Riley who came up to see Brock and us, as well as to the Wapahani Basketball Team, and all our other friends, relatives, and neighbors. The outpouring of support for our family was overwhelming.

Brock's display was nice too. Instead of flowers on the casket they had draped his Superman beach towel, his letter jacket, and his signed basketball and volleyball from our high school teams. They also had hung up his basketball uniform and warmups on an easel with his picture. Very nice, he would have liked it! No sissy flowers for him! :)

Tessa did a good job tonight. I turned her and a couple of friends loose with disposable cameras to get pictures of folks who were there so we might be able to remember the night a little better. She did her job well!

Well, thats all from here tonight. We are pooped! The funeral is at 1pm tomorrow. Thanks for all the support and caring!

Thursday, February 19, 2004 9:18 PM CST

Brock's calling tonight was awesome! We estimate at least 1000 people filing in through this huge church sanctuary for almost 5 hours.....a real testimony to the number of lives Brock has touched. Thanks to the nurses from Riley who came up to see Brock and us, as well as to the Wapahani Basketball Team, and all our other friends, relatives, and neighbors. The outpouring of support for our family was overwhelming.

Brock's display was nice too. Instead of flowers on the casket they had draped his Superman beach towel, his letter jacket, and his signed basketball and volleyball from our high school teams. They also had hung up his basketball uniform and warmups on an easel with his picture. Very nice, he would have liked it! No sissy flowers for him! :)

Tessa did a good job tonight. I turned her and a couple of friends loose with disposable cameras to get pictures of folks who were there so we might be able to remember the night a little better. She did her job well!

Well, thats all from here tonight. We are pooped! The funeral is at 1pm tomorrow. Thanks for all the support and caring!

Tuesday, February 17, 2004 9:05 PM CST

Brock's calling will be at First Presbyterian Church, Riverside Ave., Muncie, IN on Thursday from 4-8 p.m. The funeral will be at the church on Friday at 1 p.m. His obituary and story will be printed in the Muncie Star Press tomorrow. It can be viewed online at thestarpress.com. Thank you all for the kind word of support.

Monday, February 16, 2004 8:59 PM CST

Brock passed away peacefully at 3:30 p.m. today. No words now, just numb.......will update more later.

Saturday, February 14, 2004 8:54 AM CST

Hi everyone. Well, I almost hate to *jinx* us and write this but things are going well here! Brock's pain is under control to the point that we are thinking of switching from the pca pump to oral pain medicine, his radiation is going well, and the chemo on Thursday didn't even make him sick! He is eating pretty well, and went to school for a while last week. All in all pretty uneventful considering some of the days we have had recently!

We are meeting with an oncologist here in Muncie, Dr. Paul Walker, on Monday to talk to him about supervising Brock's care here in town so we can do some of the chemo here and save the 3 hour round trip to Riley every week. Our onc at Riley wrote instructions for him and the infusion seems pretty simple so I think we are going to try it here for a while. Losing the stress of the weekly trip can only be good for all of us! And, after seeing the facility and meeting the staff here at the Ball Hospital Cancer Center Brock feels pretty comfortable so that is a plus too.

Well, thats about all from here today. Happy Valentines Day to everyone! Brock is planning a trip to the movie this afternoon, his first real journey out for a while so that is good. Thanks for checking on us and thanks for the continued good thoughts and prayers!

Tuesday, February 10, 2004 8:41 PM CST

Good evening. Thanks so much to all the guys from the Wapahani basketball team who have stopped by to visit Brock the last couple of days. He has really enjoyed the company! Thanks Z!!!

Brock's radiation is going well. We are doing it at our local hospital's new cancer center. It is beautiful! And Brock seems very comfortable there. It just opened this past summer and we had never had the chance to go see it. I am glad to know that it is available just 10 minutes from home!

He did have kind of a wierd reaction today. His left hand has been numb on and off for the last few days from the pressure from the brain lesion. Today it "spazzed out" as Brock said. Kind of a muscle spasm thing, it began shaking and he couldn't stop it! He was getting ready to go to rad and I wasn't home yet to pick him up so he was pretty freaked out! He told the rad onc about it and he said not to worry that it was ok, just a reaction to the tumor or to the radiation. He said it should be better by the end of the week.

He will start the navelbine chemo on Thursday at Riley. He gets the medicine weekly, and they said we could do it here for the interim weeks between checkup visits. After touring the infusion room of the cancer center at Ball Hospital Brock was ok with that. That will cut out a major load of stress not traveling back and forth 3 hours round trip every week! Lynn also asked them today at radiation if one of the oncologists here would be willing to do a "second opinion" type of thing, get familiar with Brock's case so we have someone here locally if we need them. Our rad onc said he would check with the 5 regular oncs to see which one of them would be willing to assist us. He didn't think it would be a problem though. That would certainly put our minds at ease I think having someone so much closer by. Plus, frankly at this stage of the game a second opinion wouldn't hurt!

Well, that's about all from here. Tessa is up to her ears in volleyball again, so she just got home from practice. I think I'm about to call it a night. Thanks for checking in, and please sign the guestbook. We really appreciate all the support!

Sunday, February 8, 2004 8:04 PM CST

Hi, we're home! Long couple of days, but everything turned out ok. The oncologist and nurse practitioner on the floor over the weekend really did a good job of working with Brock to get his pain under control. He is using a small PCA pump for his meds at home now, pretty infrequently really. I think a lot of what he is dealing with is stress, with the new brain lesion showing up and the fluid around the heart. It has not changed since Tuesday so they felt they could still just keep an eye on it, and he starts his brain radiation tomorrow, so hopefully just knowing we are doing something will help him calm down. We will also start the navelbine later in the week I think. Our onc chose it because it has somewhat fewer side effects than some of the other drugs we might still try.

Well, I am pooped and looking forward to sleeping in my own bed. I am hoping for a good nights sleep for Brock too. He slept very well in the hospital.....hope he can here too. Thanks for checking in!

Sunday, February 8, 2004 8:04 AM CST

Hi all. We are still inpatient with Brock getting pain meds via a PCA pump. Hopefully we will be sprung from here today with Brock going home on a mini pump he can control at home. His pain is well controlled and he is feeling good so hopefully we'll be out soon.

A HUGE thank you to the kids of the sophomore class at Wapahani High School. Last night was our high school's homecoming and obviously we missed it. Brock's class carried signs saying "We love you Brock", and "We miss you Brock" when they paraded their float through the gym. Tessa had her camera and hopefully got some pictures. Thanks so much for thinking about Brock! You are a great bunch of kids!

Otherwise we are just bored outta our minds. Hopefully home soon! Thanks for checking in!

Friday, February 6, 2004 7:46 PM CST

Hi. Tonight Brock is inpatient at Riley, receiving a couple units of blood and some pain meds. We came down today after he started having some symptoms last night due to the fluid around his heart. A cardiothorasic surgeon is supposed to stop this evening or tomorrow to see us to look into some possible options to drain the fluid.

Brock is feeling better tonight....of course he's getting pain meds, but we are going to work on figuring out some pain control for at home too. The fluid causes some chest pain and shortness of breath, which causes him some anxiety, which makes it all worse. Right now he is resting comfortably watching the Pacers game. Hopefully we will head home tomorrow. His radiation was supposed to start at BMH today but obviously since we weren't home it didn't. Maybe Monday......

Thanks for checking on us. We really appreciate all the support!

Wednesday, February 4, 2004 5:58 PM CST

HI. Brock is feeling much better today. Spent a good part of the day at school, catching up on homework and hanging out in my room. He and I went to town after school to get the oil changed in his truck and a quick trip around WalMart. He is in good humor and having a good day.

Radiation starts tomorrow for his brain lesion. We are doing it at our local hospital so as to eliminate 3 hours of driving time round trip every day for 10-15 days. I think he is glad to be getting on with it. They did tell him his hair would fall out (no biggie to him) and that his head would feel like a sunburn for a week or so after the treatment ends. Didn't seem to bother him much.

We will wait till next week to start the navelbine. We do the first round (only takes 36 minutes) at Riley, then a home health nurse can come here and do it at home the next couple of weeks, then back to Riley for a checkup at the 3rd or 4th week. Sounds minimally disruptive which I think is important to Brock now. We decided to wait till next week so his body could kind of adjust to the radiation, plus it is Homecoming at our high school, and I wanted him to feel well enough to participate in the activities this weekend.

Thanks to everyone who has sent words of encouragement to us. They really mean a lot! And thanks to Pastor Jim for dropping by to see us. We appreciate you and all the folks at Harris Chapel keeping tabs on us. It is good to know that we are not alone in our fight!

Monday, February 2, 2004 6:24 PM CST

Hi folks. Well, once again things here have taken an ugly turn. Brock has been feeling pretty crappy for the last few days, but today he tried to go to school for a while. He almost immediately ended up in the clinic with Nurse Nancy, complaining of being dizzy, short of breath, and sick to his stomach. Nancy called me, and I called Lynn to take him to Riley because he said he wanted to go. I figured his blood counts were low....wrong. A CT of his head and chest showed another very small Wilms lesion on his brain about the size of a pea. The chest tumor has grown also, so it is pressing on his heart and causing fluid build up. The were going to do an echo to see if there was enough fluid to drain with a needle or just put him on medicine to get rid of it, but cardiology was closed up by the time they were ready. So....Lynn and Brock ended up staying the night in the hospital so they can do the testing first thing in the morning. They have already mentioned another chemo to start him on, navelbine, and radiation for the head lesion. This just sucks!

Please continue your prayers and good thoughts for Brock. I know this is hard for us to handle, and I can only imagine what is going through his mind. To be 16 and have all the things that have happened over the last few months happen to you must just be overwhelming. We can all use all the positive vibes we can get! Thanks for caring about us!

Sunday, February 1, 2004 5:54 PM CST

Happy Super Bowl Day! Lynn and I are watching the game here, although with little interest really, since the Colts didn't make it in! Tessa went to a youth group Super Bowl party, and Brock is kind of just laying around this evening.

He has not had a very good couple of days. His counts were a little low on Thursday, but not low enough to require a blood transfusion or anything like that, so they went ahead and did his chemo. He has felt just generally pretty crummy since Friday. He is still eating some, but probably not enough, again. He is trying, but the upset stomach from chemo is making it hard for him to want to eat. He got a cheeseburger down this evening, but it really upset his stomach. He has also been pretty tired and a little dizzy, probably from the low blood counts. I am having second thoughts about this study drug chemo protocol. Getting chemo weekly may be too much for him, I don't know......decisions, decisions. We may have a talk later this week about what he wants to do. He has 2 more cycles of depsipeptide till we scan again, so I don't know....I just hate to see him feel bad and miss out on school and ballgames and fun stuff. Hopefully he will bounce back in the next day or so. Keep fingers and toes crossed please!

Tessa had her first offseason volleyball tournament today, and it was very tough competition. Kind of a tough way to start the season! She played well though, got a lot of serves over. It was good to see her play, I always enjoy watching my kids participate in things. I am a sports mom at heart!

Well, back to grading papers and "watching" the Super Bowl. Please keep Brock in your prayers that he feels better soon, and that his problems are being caused by the chemo and nothing more serious. Thanks for stopping by!

Thursday, January 29, 2004 8:05 PM CST

Hi everyone. This is going to be quick because I am pooped! We went to Riley today, and things went ok, although our visit ended up being LONG! We left about 8:45 this morning and got home a little after 8:00 tonight!

The good news is Brock gained *8* pounds! I know some of that is fluid, because he was so dehydrated last time he was weighed, but we'll take it! He's back up to 104....boy that sounds silly, UP to 104....oh well, anyway he's headed in the right direction. His hemoglobin and hematocrit were somewhat low today, not low enough to transfuse but low enough to explain his tiredness. We are going to concentrate on getting some red meat in him this weekend to bounce that back up!

The hold up today was his calcium level. In one test it was just slightly below what the study guidelines were, so we thought we were going to be sent home with no chemo. However, in another kind of test (I'm not feeling very technical tonight so I can't remember what the tests were) the level was ok, so we got the chemo, 2 hours late. The infusion takes 4 hours, then it took us over 2 hours to drive home in the SNOW (again!). So it made for a long day. Bottom line....he needs to keep eating, get more calcium and protein in his diet, and keep plugging along. Hopefully we can do that.

Well, I am off to bed. Thanks for checking in, and have a great weekend!

Thursday, January 29, 2004 8:05 PM CST

Hi everyone. This is going to be quick because I am pooped! We went to Riley today, and things went ok, although our visit ended up being LONG! We left about 8:45 this morning and got home a little after 8:00 tonight!

The good news is Brock gained *8* pounds! I know some of that is fluid, because he was so dehydrated last time he was weighed, but we'll take it! He's back up to 104....boy that sounds silly, UP to 104....oh well, anyway he's headed in the right direction. His hemoglobin and hematocrit were somewhat low today, not low enough to transfuse but low enough to explain his tiredness. We are going to concentrate on getting some red meat in him this weekend to bounce that back up!

The hold up today was his calcium level. In one test it was just slightly below what the study guidelines were, so we thought we were going to be sent home with no chemo. However, in another kind of test (I'm not feeling very technical tonight so I can't remember what the tests were) the level was ok, so we got the chemo, 2 hours late. The infusion takes 4 hours, then it took us over 2 hours to drive home in the SNOW (again!). So it made for a long day. Bottom line....he needs to keep eating, get more calcium and protein in his diet, and keep plugging along. Hopefully we can do that.

Well, I am off to bed. Thanks for checking in, and have a great weekend!

Wednesday, January 28, 2004 6:34 PM CST

Hello. Hope you all are staying warm if you're in Indiana! The older I get the more I hate winter. I swear when my kids are grown I am moving SOUTH!!!

Anyway, Brock is doing well today, eating pretty much regularly and went to school for a few hours. I had a conference in Indianapolis for school today, so I had to leave really early (5:45 a.m.) and the kids had a school delay so they were pretty much on their own to get going and did a good job. I called home before I left the conference to tell Brock to put his EMLA cream on so I could start his TPN when I got home. He reluctantly agreed, so I just forgot about it. Just as I was leaving the parking garage my cell phone rang, and Brock was telling me HE had called our nurse and onc to tell them everything he had eaten today and to see if he could get out of the TPN!!! He was afraid I would be mad, but actually I was thrilled that he was taking an active interest in his treatment. I was very proud of him, and yes, they did let him skip the TPN! I came home and made his favorite dinner, teryaki chicken, and he ate well. He always continues to amaze me!

Chemo tomorrow, the second round of depsipeptide begins. He is feeling well, and hoping for some significant positive results from the chemo this month. No growth was ok, but we really would like some shirnkage. We will keep you posted!

On a sad note, please say a prayer for Tracy and Paul Wilson....their little boy Tyler lost his battle today. Another angel gone too soon.......

Tuesday, January 27, 2004 6:12 PM CST

Hi all. Well, it seems that the "old" Brock is on his way back! I don't know whether it was the Megace or the TPN or sheer willpower, but he is feeling much better today! He even made a lap around the mall today for some exercise, and ate a "real" dinner....ok, Hamburger Helper, but food never the less!

We had a bit of a tough time with the TPN last night. The homecare nurse who came out was really good with Brock (and me) but the pump kept alarming that there was air in the line. Finally we got it situated so that it was pumping properly. Brock went to bed with his pump about 10, and woke up and came down to sleep in the recliner at about 2:30. About 6 he woke me up because his stomach was cramping severely and he felt sick. I stopped the TPN with about 2 hours to go, but felt that 3/4 of a bag was better than nothing. He slept a little more and felt better when he woke up. The TPN is such concentrated nutrients that it can sometimes be hard to digest, and it sure was for him! He begged off of it tonight, although we have struck a deal that if he doesn't eat he has to have at least half a bag!

We did not make our clinic appt today. The roads here were terrible, all the schools were closed, and I just didn't want to risk it. We go on Thursday to start his second cycle of depsipeptide. We weren't really upset about putting his clinic visit off till Thursday. An extra couple of days to get his strength back can't hurt! He is doing fine with the megace, taking it twice a day. He told me today that he did feel hungry....don't know if its the medicine or the idea that he is supposed to eat, but whatever it is I'll take it!

Thanks for stopping by and continuing the good thoughts and prayers. It seems that we never stop needing them!

Monday, January 26, 2004 4:56 PM CST

Hi everyone. A couple of new developments here at the Barnard ranch. Brock is feeling somewhat better today, eating a little more, but still not enough to put any weight back on him. I talked with Mary, our research nurse, today about him probably not being physically ready for chemo tomorrow, and asked her to check with the Depsipeptide study people to see whether or not that would take him out of the study. After a powwow with Dr. Goldman and Sharon, our nurse practitioner, they decided to go ahead and start him on both TPN (IV nutrition) and Megace, an oral appetite stimulant, at least for a few days. He is NOT a happy camper! The TPN involves him being hooked up to a small IV pump for 12 hours or so at night, with a large bag of fluid for him to carry around in a backpack. He was on it for a few days back in December after the first stent was put in, and didn't like the way it made him feel....he usually woke up nauseated from it, because it is a pretty strong mixture of nutrients, and can be kind of hard on his system.

He took his first dose of Megace this evening, and said it made him feel dizzy. That should probably pass, if it was related to the medicine at all. It is probably something he will stay on for a while, while the TPN is more temporary. He has GOT to get some weight back on! It's not that he can't eat, he's just not hungry, and won't force himself to eat. I lost my temper with him a little bit tonight, after he voiced his extreme displeasure with being on the TPN. I explained that he HAD to get some weight back on, and that a granola bar, 2 slices of cheese, and a yogurt weren't gonna do it! He gave in, but is not happy about it. At this point I don't care, he need the nutrients!


That's about all from here. The homecare folks are on their way to deliver the TPN and supplies, then a homecare nurse has to come out and re-teach me how to use the IV pump and get him set up for the night. We are expecting some bad weather here overnight - freezing rain and snow - so we aren't sure if we will make it to his clinic appt tomorrow or not, since it's about an hour and a half away. Keep your fingers crossed that his weight starts to climb....and that I don't pull all my hair out in the process! Thanks for checking in!

Sunday, January 25, 2004 12:27 AM CST

Good afternoon all. Things here in Indiana are about to take an ugly turn according to the weather people....we are getting ready to get hit by a winter storm! I got groceries yesterday so we would be set to hang out for a couple of days. So far, none of us are even out of our jammies yet today!

Brock is recovering slowly but surely. His eating is going pretty well, managing a piece of pizza last night. He is so used to not eating, however, that his appetite is almost nil. So, I have resorted to my ever favorite pasttime....nagging him to eat! He is downing Gatorade almost continuously, but getting him to actually eat when he isn't hungry is kind of tough. He has almost no energy from not eating, but says he's too tired to eat....go figure! I think I'm gonna have to start dumping food down his throat! I keep trying to tell him that he will feel better faster with some nutrition running through his body, but he would prefer to nap. I guess sleep is good for him too, but he says he isn't even doing that very well. He was awake for quite a bit of last night, with pain on his side and down his shoulders. I assume that is from them putting him on his side to do the swallow study while he was still under anesthesia. He has NO body fat whatsoever, so I am sure any pressure on that steel procedure table could cause bruising, sore muscles, etc.

Anyway, thats about it from here, just waiting for the snow to fly. Thanks for stopping by to check on us, and please remember to sign the guest book!

Friday, January 23, 2004 7:34 PM CST

Good evening everyone. BROCK'S HOME!!! He was sprung from Riley early this afternoon after his swallow study this morning was ok. He ran a bit of a low grade fever in the wee hours of this morning, but nothing really concerning, so he was sent home with some tylenol w/codeine for pain. He is still a little woozy from the anesthetic, but otherwise in good humor. He has put away 2 bottles of Gatorade so far today, which is good. He is on a soft food diet for a couple of days till he feels he can handle regular food. He says the stent doesn't really hurt and he's not having nearly as much pain as when the original stent went in. All in all a relatively "easy" procedure.

So now we just concentrate on getting his appetite back up and cramming as much food as possible in him! We are continuing the depsipeptide study since there was no growth of the tumor, so we go back to Riley on Tuesday. I would love to get a couple of pounds back on him before then!

Thanks to everyone for your continued concern for our family. We really appreciate it!

Friday, January 23, 2004 9:38 AM CST

Good morning. Just a quick note to let you all know that Brock's swallow study this morning was just fine! Whatever the problem was yesterday was evidently anesthesia related or just muscle constriction from the work in his esophagus. He did run a slight fever overnight, so they cultured his port line, but hoping that goes away today and he gets sprung to come home! Will keep you all posted, thanks for checking in!

Thursday, January 22, 2004 7:05 PM CST

Hi friends. Well, today went pretty well, with one possible hitch. The interventional radiologist (whatever that is) put a new stent in Brock's esophagus with success. This one is wire mesh like the other one, but it is covered in a slick gortex material so nothing can grow through it. Still don't know what was growing through the other one, tumor or scar tissue, and they didn't biopsy because they didn't want to cause bleeding.

The hitch was that after they got the stent in, they did a swallow study. The contrast fluid flowed smoothly through the stent, but then got hung up down below the stent at the sphincter where the esophagus and stomach meet! We have NEVER had problems there before, even in the swallow study done Tuesday! The docs (our onc especially) don't think it is necessarily tumor related.....especially since the study on Tuesday showed no problems there. They think it is probably muscle spasms caused by either the anesthesia today, or just by the trauma of them working in the esophagus. They are witholding any drinking for him tonight, and will do another swallow study tomorrow morning. Hopefully the muscles will have relaxed and everything will be normal.

Thanks for all the good thoughts and prayers. Again, the motto of the day is so far, so good!

Tuesday, January 20, 2004 7:20 PM CST

HI. Well, once again it could have been better but it could have been worse! Brock's tumor hasn't grown any over the last month on the depsipeptide, which is ok news.....shrinkage would have been better, but we'll take stable too! The swallowing issue appears to be scar tissue that has grown INSIDE the stent that was put in his esophagus in November and is once again blocking it nearly shut. Evidently this is an unusual occurance, but of course this IS Brock we're talking about! So......we go back Thursday for his THIRD surgery in as many months! It will be a very simple, outpatient procedure, putting a solid stent inside the mesh one that is already there, which should push the scar tissue back out through the mesh stent with hopefully no reason to grow back! They will probably keep him overnight for pain control but hopefully home the next day.

Tessa's ortho appointment went well too. Her scoliosis curve has gone from 48 degrees a year and a half ago to 71 degrees now! Surgery is her treatment option, which she is looking forward to getting over with. It will be a 7 day hospital stay, and will correct her curve to around 25 degrees, which will be significantly better than it is now. Surgery is scheduled for May 27, right after we get out of school so she will have the summer to recuperate. She will be pretty much out of any kind of activity more complicated than walking for about 6 months, but then she can gradually ease back into her volleyball and softball next year.

So thats the news from here. Like I said, could have been better, could have been worse, but it looks like the Barnard's will be racking up some more "frequent patient" miles at Riley over the next few months! Thanks for your continued good thoughts and prayers!

Monday, January 19, 2004 5:47 PM CST

Monday, January 19, 2004 5:34 PM CST
Hi everyone. The weekend has been relatively uneventful, except for Brock's on and off bouts with the swallowing problems. It's strange, seems to follow a daily pattern. When he gets up he can get soft stuff down, cereal, yogurt, etc. By late afternoon he has trouble even swallowing liquids, but only for a couple of hours. By evening he is back to being able to get small quantities of soft stuff down. I don't know.....I guess we'll find out tomorrow. He has scans scheduled at 10:45, and when I called our research nurse today to let her know about this swallowing development, she said he would probably have a swallow study done too, which is not difficult and not a biggie for him to go through. Her thought was possibly an overgrowth of scar tissue where the throat has healed around the stent, but like I said, we'll see tomorrow.

Tessa also has a Riley appointment tomorrow for an orthopedic evaluation of her scoliosis. Probably surgery for her as soon as school is out this spring will be her treatment. Her scoliosis is pretty severe, and at 14 it is really starting to bother her, both physically with back pain and emotionally with how crooked her back looks in some of her clothes. A couple of years ago she was evaluated, and ended up in tears after even hearing about the surgery, but a few months ago she told me she wanted the surery done now. So we will get a ruling on that tomorrow too.

Thanks for coninuing to check in on us. Good thougts and prayers are greatly appreciated, especially for everyone's upcoming tests tomorrow.

Saturday, January 17, 2004 4:36 PM CST

Good evening. Things here at the Barnard house are a little edgy tonight. Brock seems to be having trouble swallowing again the last day or two. We are assuming that somehow the esophageal stent he had put in a few weeks ago has moved, maybe from vomiting after chemo. He is hugely bummed, to say the least. We have a checkup appointment on Tuesday for scans, so we'll let the docs take a look at it then. Otherwise he is feeling pretty well. He and his friend Kyle have been doing stuff on their computers all afternoon. Please keep fingers crossed that this is something easily fixed!

The weather here in Indiana has taken a cold, wet turn, with some freezing rain and snow expected tonight, so it will be a stay home and watch tv kind of night for us. The "other" Indiana team, our Pacers, play tonight so that will probably be our program of choice. And of course, the big COLTS game tomorrow!!!

Tessa also has an orthopedic clinic appointment on Tuesday to see about the option of surgery to correct her scoliosis. Should be a full Riley day for us!

As always, thank you for your good thoughts and prayers. Please continue to keep our family in your thoughs. We really appreciate it!

Tuesday, January 13, 2004 7:10 PM CST

Hi everyone. Brock's chemo went very well today. He had put on 2 pounds since last week (see, nagging DOES work!) and told the drs he was feeling "great". He even ate some during the chemo and on the way home! His bloodwork and EKG looked good, so the infusion went off without a hitch. Scans are scheduled for next week, so please continue with the good thoughts and prayers. As long as the tumor is stable or shrinking we continue this treatment.

Please take a moment to remember our friend Savannah Olsen(www.caringbridge.org/il/savannah) in your thoughts. Her tumors have grown and she has started new chemo. Also, our cyber-friend Jared lost his battle with synovial sarcoma on Sunday. Please remember his family too.

Thanks for checking in. So far, so good is the motto here for now! Keep the good thoughts and prayers coming!

Sunday, January 11, 2004 5:31 PM CST

Good evening everyone. Things here are going well, so I don't really have much to report. Brock is feeling good, eating ok, although not enough to be putting weight back on. Lynn discussed some appetite stimulant meds at clinic on Tuesday but they didn't really want to do that since he is on an official "drug study" and that could change the results of the medicine. So I'll just have to continue to nag! :)

Tessa is now officially 14! Her birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese went well yesterday. There were 10 of them...ate pizza, played games, then went to the mall and then to a movie. She had a great time! I was glad to get to do something special for her birthay. I harbor a lot of guilt about all the time she has been shuffled around during Brock's treatment all these years, so I was glad to do something special for her. She is a special kid too! We have an appt on the 20th to see the ortho docs about having her scoliosis corrected with surgery. Probably try to do that asap when school is out so she can recover over the summer.

Well, thats about it from here. Time for showers and homework and getting ready for school tomorrow. Brock has his 3rd depesipeptide infusion on Tuesday, so keep your fingers crossed that it goes well. Scans next week will show whether or not we are getting a good response from it. Thanks for checking in!

Wednesday, January 7, 2004 4:38 PM CST

Hello. Hope all is well with all of you. Things here are ok. Brock's second depsipeptide infusion went really well yesterday. Lynn took him and said he was in great humor all day, laughing and joking and even eating a little bit while they did the infusion. It was a long day though....the whole thing takes about 6 hours. He even ate some when he got home, which is almost unheard of when he gets chemo. They dosed him up on a mega dose of Zofran for nausea at the hospital, and he was to take some later that night to get him through. He felt a little worse this morning when he got up, puked once, but is trying to eat some now. The strange thing is he has had pretty bad diarrhea today.....never had that happen before. I did read in my drug book that Zofran can cause diarrhea, so maybe the dose yesterday hit him hard. Anyway, he is a little uncomfortable but not feeling really bad tonight. That is a good thing!

Everything else is ok. Tessa is baking her "birthday cake", although her birthday isn't till Saturday. I doubt that cake will be around to be an "official" birthday cake Saturday! :) She has invited some friends, 10 or 12, to go to Chuck E. Cheese for pizza and games (yes, I know, she is turning 14, but the restaurant is new in town and she wanted to go!) then to the mall for some shopping and a movie. Sounds like a fun day.....just wish I wasn't in charge of it! ;)

Thanks for stopping by and checking in. We appreciate the folks who continue to stand by our side, check in on us, and support us. Please sign the guestbook if you are here!

Monday, January 5, 2004 5:12 PM CST

Well, we all made it through the first day back to school! It was tough on Brock.....he made it through 5 of 7 classes, then came home to rest. His endurance and stamina are down, partially from the medicine I assume, and partly because he is really out of shape from basically lying around since October and his brain surgery! He also did not take my advice to eat something this morning, so by 2nd period at school he was really hungry and shaky. Luckily it was study hall so he was able to go snag a snack which made him feel a little better. He is still not eating tons, but he is doing a little better the last couple of days. I got a little tough with him today about his eating....he really doesn't have much of an appetite so he is going to have to force himself to eat. I stopped at the grocery this evening and stocked a bag of snacks for him to take to school and leave with our friend Nurse Nancy, the school nurse. I told him (in no uncertain terms!) that I wanted him stopping in there between every class and grabbing a snack...granola bar, pretzels, peanuts, etc. He gets full very quickly when he eats too, since I am sure his stomach has shrunk over the last couple of months. I hated to grouch at him, but if he is gonna be healthy and able to heal and tolerate his treatments he needs to fuel his body. I think I made my point though, as he has been snacking pretty well since he got home from school.

I personally was exhausted by the end of the day today. Teaching and having to talk for 50 minutes straight 5 times today was tiring. Guess I'm outta shape too! Tessa did ok though. She is busy planning her 14th brithday party for this Saturday. 10 teenage girls going to the mall and Chuck E. Cheese.....how did I get into this? :)

Brock has his second depsipeptide treatment tomorrow. Lynn is taking him for this one....we are going to try to alternate weeks as it is really a pain for me to take off, get a sub, all that stuff. Fingers and toes crossed that he tolerates this one well! Thanks for checking in!

Saturday, January 3, 2004 5:49 PM CST

Hi everyone. Saturday night here, only 1 more day left of Christmas break.....ick! Not sure I'm entirely ready to go back to the "real world", but.....I guess I don't have much choice!

The good news is that Brock is FINALLY feeling better this evening! He got the depsipeptide on Tuesday, felt kinda bad on Wednesday, perked up enough to go over to Kyle's house for New Years, and has felt crappy ever since! He felt so awful yesterday that I was actually concerned that his blood counts had fallen in just 3 days. I took him to our local hospital for scheduled bloodwork, which was fine, all normal, including the cardiac enzymes they are checking because of the medicine. He was just exhausted feeling, like his counts were low, and felt sick to his stomach. I assumed it was from the medicine, although this evening I talked to a friend who said her daughter had felt basically the same way this week. So.....maybe it is just a bug of some sort. Anyway, he started feeling better this afternoon, ate some, and is up hanging out with us this evening. Mom is breathing a little easier now too!

Back to school on Monday. Brock gets the depsipeptide again on Tuesday, as long as his bloodwork and EKG look ok, and he is feeling ok. Hopefully it is in there kicking some tumor butt if it is making him feel this bad!

Thanks for stopping by and checking in. Please remember to sign the guestbook!

Thursday, January 1, 2004 2:14 PM CST

Happy 2004 everyone! Hope your celebration was good, and that today finds you all well. We are ok here. Brock ended up perking up about 7 last night and decided to go over to his friend Kyle's house for their celebration. He had a great time, playing trivia games and stuff like that. He was out till after 3 am, but that was ok because they only live about a mile away, and he had checked in several times during the evening. He is napping now, though....I went in to check on him about 11 this morning and evidently woke him up. That definitely wasn't enough sleep for him!

Lynn and Tessa and I stayed at home on the couch in our jammies watching Comedy Central and a Twilight Zone marathon (that was Lynn's fault!). We watched the ball drop at midnight, hugged and kissed, and went to bed! We are such a party group! I was impressed to make it to midnight!

My hopes and prayers are for a safe, healthy, happy 2004 for all of us. Keep the good thoughts and prayers coming, and hopefully it will be one of our best years yet! Be sure to check out the new Christmas photos! I even got some of them to upload regular size, instead of giant-sized!

Wednesday, December 31, 2003 2:43 PM CST

Happy New Years Eve everyone! Brock and I are home (finally!)! What should have been a quick visit to the clinic this morning for an EKG and bloodwork turned into a couple of hours....imagine that! :) Brock vomited this morning as soon as we got to the hospital, so the doc wanted to stoke him up on Zofran to get him through the rest of the day. We had to wait for the pharmacy to make the med and send it up so they could give it to him IV, since his stomach was already upset. Getting meds from the pharmacy is never quick because they are so busy, so we got to spend some quality waiting time in clinic. The EKG and bloodwork went fine, although Brock tried desperately to talk them out of re-hooking him up to the Holter monitor for the last 5 hours! We just took it off of him at 3:00, and he was ready! Packed it up and called FedEx to send it back, but of course they won't pick it up till Friday. Oh well.....

We are staying put for a quiet New Year's tonight. We are all so wiped out that we may not even see midnight! Brock was invited to a friend's house, but I'm not sure he feels like going. It's only about a mile away, so he can go if he wants to, but we'll have to see how the evening goes. Tessa wants Papa John's pizza and cheesesticks, so I think Lynn or I will pick that up later and that will be dinner. I am just glad to be home with husband and the kids and the cats! I'm pretty much a homebody....especially on the craziest night of the year!

Here's to everyone having a good New Years. Hoping and praying that 2004 brings peace and joy and health to all of us. Please sign the guestbook if you stop by!

Tuesday, December 30, 2003 7:18 PM CST

Hi everyone. Brock's medicine infusion went fine today. He had an EKG and bloodwork before the infusion, then the depsipeptide, which took about 4 hours to infuse. He fell asleep once during the infusion and his blood pressure fell a bit, but once he was back up and moving around it was back to normal. He is feeling a little chemo crummy tonight, despite the zofran. No puking yet, but some stomach upset. He and I stayed in Indy tonight, at the Westin hotel, compliments of Riley! We have to be back at clinic at 10 in the morning for more bloodwork and another EKG, so it was just as easy to stay in town and save 3 hours of driving time. We took a short spin down the street to Circle Center Mall, but Brock didn't really feel like shopping much. I grabbed a sandwich (he wasn't hungry) and we came back to the hotel to watch the Pacers game. He fell asleep shortly after the game started, partly from getting up early this morning and partly from the chemo. Good for him to rest though, let his body do its healing. He is aggravated about the Holter monitor he has to wear all night though.....the wires are "scratchy" and the patches are "itchy". Luckily this is the only time he has to wear the monitor.

Well, thats about all from here. Back to the ballgame then probably to bed. Continued good thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated!

Monday, December 29, 2003 8:47 PM CST

Hi everyone. Just a short note to let you all know that Brock will be starting the depsipeptide study tomorrow, so please start crossing those fingers and toes! We have to be at Riley at 9 in the morning, so it will be another early one for us here. He has to have some bloodwork done prior to getting the medicine, and the infusion takes 4 hours so it is going to be a long day. We have to return again for an EKG on Wednesday, so he and I may just stay in Indy tomorrow night and save about 3 hours of driving time. I think he is a little nervous about the medicine, and I know I am, so all your good thoughts and prayers would be greatly appreciated! Brock will be taking the laptop computer with him so I will try to update tomorrow night even if we do end up staying overnight. Thanks for checking up on us!

Saturday, December 27, 2003 5:50 PM CST

Belated Merry Christmas to everyone! We have been so busy the last couple of days that I haven't taken the time to update Brock's site. Christmas was great here at the Barnard home. Lots of well like gifts, family bonding, and general fun. And, not one single gift to return! That is always good news, as standing in return lines is one of my least favorite parts of Christmas!

Brock is feeling very well, eating pretty normally, and having problems getting his new XBox to do something or another (that I don't understand!). I'm sure he will figure it out though, computers/electronics are his thing. Tessa had a lazy day today. She and I took our annual "day after Christmas" shopping trip yesterday looking for the after Christmas bargains. Found a few and had some fun. Good girl bonding time.

On the down side, our Christmas break is half over tomorrow! :( I can't believe how quickly the time goes. Brock goes back to Riley on Tuesday to start the depsipeptide. It will be pretty much an all day affair, with a quick return visit on Wednesday for an EKG. Seems kind of silly to drive 90 minutes for a 10 minute test, but we have to go by the study rules. I have been considering trading vehicles, as my '98 van is pushing 100,000 miles, but if we are going to be making regular trips to Riley again I guess I'll hang on to it for a while longer. No sense racking up miles on a new vehicle!

Hope eveyone is well and had a good holiday. Thanks for stopping by and checking on us. Happy Holidays!

Wednesday, December 24, 2003 12:54 AM CST

Happy Christmas Eve! We are off to our first celebration shortly, with my side of the family, but I wanted to post a quick update of our visit to Riley yesterday. Head and abdominal CT were clear (yay!) and the chest CT was "no change". I can handle that! Brock's other tests were good too....EKG, Muga scan, bloodwork all looked normal. His heart function numbers were even up a bit. All in all a good run to Riley!

Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season. We have many blessings here at the Barnard house, and we try very hard to remember them each day. The next couple of days will be filled with family, friends, fun, and the ever important presents! Merry Christmas to all our family and friends!

Tuesday, December 23, 2003 5:50 AM CST

Good morning! Well, shortly we are off to Riley for Brock's checkup and testing. He is NOT a happy camper! According to him, NO ONE should have to get up this early on vacation! :) Can't say I don't agree with him, but our appt was scheduled early because he is having an abdominal CT and can't eat till its over. When I explained to him that the schedulers were just trying to be nice so he could get the scan over and eat, he was less than convinced! We have about an hour and 20 minute drive, its raining here, not really a good way to start the day, I must say.

Won't have much news today, except for the chest CT that will look at the tumor to see if it has grown, moved, stayed the same, etc. Will post later this evening with results. Keep the fingers crossed and the prayers coming! Would really like to see no change in the tumor today!

Monday, December 22, 2003 5:59 AM CST

Good morning! Here it is, the first "official" day of Christmas Break, and I'm up at my usual time! This is NOT what I had planned! :) Anyway, since I was up and the house is quiet I thought I would write a quick update. Brock is feeling "great", as he told a friend we ran into last night and hadn't seen for a while. His appetite is back to normal, although I am pushing him to try to eat more than usual to try to get some weight on. He weighed himself yesterday and has held steady at his pre-surgery weight, although that was down a few pounds from not being able to eat for a couple of weeks at Thanksgiving. But holding steady is ok too....Dr. Goldman didn't want him losing any more weight and he hasn't.

Tessa, on the other hand, spent a pretty miserable weekend. I ended up taking her to the pediatrician on Saturday morning, and she has strep and some crackling in one lung, so she is on antibiotics and staying AWAY from Brock! :) She was coughing a little less last night, so hopefully in a day or so she will be feeling up to par. It never seems to fail, though, someone is always sick at Christmas around here!

Brock and I go to Riley tomorrow morning at 8:30 for his checkup/workup for the depsipeptide study. Chest/abdominal CT, bloodwork, MUGA scan, and EKG are what he has done tomorrow, along with a general physical checkup. He is scheduled to start the medicine next Tuesday, providing all the test results from tomorrow are within the acceptable range for the study. They should be...we had all this done while he was in the hospital with his throat surgery, but since so much time has elapsed between then and now everything has to be repeated. Good safety measure though, so I don't really mind.

Well, better get moving on something this morning. Presents to wrap, just a bit more shopping to do, and some other odds and ends to take care of. Have a great day, thanks for stopping by, and don't forget to sign the guestbook!

Monday, December 22, 2003 5:59 AM CST

Good morning! Here it is, the first "official" day of Christmas Break, and I'm up at my usual time! This is NOT what I had planned! :) Anyway, since I was up and the house is quiet I thought I would write a quick update. Brock is feeling "great", as he told a friend we ran into last night and hadn't seen for a while. His appetite is back to normal, although I am pushing him to try to eat more than usual to try to get some weight on. He weighed himself yesterday and has held steady at his pre-surgery weight, although that was down a few pounds from not being able to eat for a couple of weeks at Thanksgiving. But holding steady is ok too....Dr. Goldman didn't want him losing any more weight and he hasn't.

Tessa, on the other hand, spent a pretty miserable weekend. I ended up taking her to the pediatrician on Saturday morning, and she has strep and some crackling in one lung, so she is on antibiotics and staying AWAY from Brock! :) She was coughing a little less last night, so hopefully in a day or so she will be feeling up to par. It never seems to fail, though, someone is always sick at Christmas around here!

Brock and I go to Riley tomorrow morning at 8:30 for his checkup/workup for the depsipeptide study. Chest/abdominal CT, bloodwork, MUGA scan, and EKG are what he has done tomorrow, along with a general physical checkup. He is scheduled to start the medicine next Tuesday, providing all the test results from tomorrow are within the acceptable range for the study. They should be...we had all this done while he was in the hospital with his throat surgery, but since so much time has elapsed between then and now everything has to be repeated. Good safety measure though, so I don't really mind.

Well, better get moving on something this morning. Presents to wrap, just a bit more shopping to do, and some other odds and ends to take care of. Have a great day, thanks for stopping by, and don't forget to sign the guestbook!

Friday, December 19, 2003 6:13 PM CST

HI everyone. Well, we seem to have a plan for Brock's next treatment. Mary, our research nurse practitioner, called us today to tell us to be at Riley on Tuesday at 8:30 for all the pretesting that has to be done. CT scan, bloodwork, EKG and MUGA scans will be done on that day. We will then start the Depsipeptide the following Tuesday, assuming all the tests next week are ok. That schedule made Brock feel much better I think. He is pretty freaked out about the other child passing away. There is another kid starting the protocol next week....so they will be a week ahead of us. That gave Brock a week to see how things go with that kid too......I think he just needs some reassurance. Mary also gave us the phone number of the doc at St. Judes who is running the study. She said we could call her with any questions we have. I think I may call on Monday just to let Brock talk to her if he wants to ask anything.

Otherwise things here are about the same. Tessa has been feeling crummy for almost a week now. If she isn't feeling better tomorrow I may take her to the weekend pediatrics walk in clinic. Her main complaint is the cough that won't go away. I am a little worried about bronchitis, so maybe a doc visit is in our future. Brock has a basketball game tomorrow night so we will go to that. He hasn't played yet this year, but he does dress in uniform for the game so we still go to watch!

Thanks for checking in. We appreciate the interest in Brock and our family. Please sign the guestbook to let us know you were here!

Thursday, December 18, 2003 8:04 PM CST

Good evening! Just a quick update to let you all know about Brock's treatment plan. Our onc called me today to tell me that the depsipeptide study has been reopened and they were going to try to get Brock's spot back in it. That was the study drug Brock was supposed to start a couple of weeks ago, but the study was suspended after a child died on the study. They have investigated the study and found that the drug had nothing to do with the child's death, that he/she was more advanced in their disease than was originally reported, and generally was not "healthy" enough to be on the study anyway. I am still a little nervous about it, as is Brock, but I talked to 3 different people at the hospital today who all seem to think the drug will be safe. Given that it is our best option right now, I guess we will go for it. Probably start Monday or Tuesday of next week. Please cross your fingers and pray!

The end of semester stress is hitting our house heavily tonight. Brock is stressing over a map test, Tessa is sick and just feeling generally crappy, and I am up to my armpits in tests to grade! We are one un-fun bunch tonight! I think I'll just go to bed and forget it! :)

So thats where we stand for now. I will keep updating as his new treatment starts. I do know that the first day is quite a bit of testing....bloodwork, ekg's, etc., and the medicine infusion takes 4 hours. The next day he has to have a 24 hours post med ekg, so we will make another trip down to Riley for that. Good thing we're on break for the next couple of weeks! Keep the good thoughts and prayers coming!

Wednesday, December 17, 2003 6:15 PM CST

Hi everyone. Things here at the Barnard house continue to be relatively peaceful. Tomorrow and Friday are finals days at the high school for Brock and the middle school for Tessa and LeeAnn. Sometimes I try to get sympathy from the kids, telling them that making up, giving, and grading all those tests are harder than actually taking them, but it usually gets me nowhere! :)

Brock's eating continues to improve. He asked for a homemade cheeseburger last night, which he got down pretty easily, and ate most of a pizza tonight. He has never been a kid with a huge appetite, so I would almost say he is back to normal for him. Makes me feel better anyway! He went to school for a bit today to get started on a chemistry final. Tomorrow's are mostly on the computer so he can take them from home. Friday is a half-day for the students anyway, so I think he can manage that.

This flu continues to hit our schools hard. Tessa has a bit of it, so I am trying desperately to keep them at opposite ends of the house! Opposite floors even works for me!

Haven't heard anything about the new drug from Lilly, but thanks to some of my cyber-friends at Ped-Onc, I have a few drug names that have been used on other Wilms kids. I emailed them to our nurse-practitioner today so she could check them out. They are standard chemo drugs, but ones that Brock hasn't had yet. Keep hoping for one that works for Brock!

Meanwhile, keep a few of our cyber-friends in your good thoughts and prayers. Kevin is battling an ALL relapse, Savannah's Wilms has relapsed, and Noah is fighting lung fibrosis from his Wilms treatments. Also, Allie and Jared are dealing with metastasis from synovial sarcoma. So many kids, fighting so hard. They can use all the help they can get!

Thanks for stopping by. I think it is ice cream time! Please keep the prayers coming, and sign the guestbook so we know you were here!

Sunday, December 14, 2003 5:54 PM CST

Hi everyone. The weekend is winding down here, time for gearing up for the last week of school before Christmas break. Brock has been working on homework today, Tessa has been reading for her English class and baking chocolate chip cookies! Our Saturday was spent finishing Christmas shopping and renting movies. Today Lynn and I went to the grocery (which the kids HATE to do) and did some other errands. Typical stuff.....

Brock is eating much better this weekend. Had pizza last night and chili con queso tonight. He eats slowly and not as much as usual, but he is definitely making progress!

On the treatment front, we are kind of in limbo till Tuesday. Evidently Eli Lilly is due to release a new drug on Tuesday that our onc thinks may work for Brock, so we are waiting to see what happens with the drug release. If it doesn't go as planned, we will need to have a meeting to see which direction we want to go. Our onc said we have tried most of the "simple" drugs.....ones that would be given outpatient without disrupting his life much. If this new drug from Lilly doesn't pan out, it looks like our options are more heavy chemo drugs which would probably put him in the hospital and/or make him feel crappy. Not sure yet, we'll see what Tuesday brings! Keeping fingers and toes crossed!

Well, back to MY schoolwork....I am working on writing the semester test for one of my classes at school. And people thing teaching is easy...... :( Thanks for checking in on us, and please keep the prayers and good thoughts coming. And please sign the guestbook when you're finished!

Wednesday, December 10, 2003 8:25 PM CST

Good evening. Things here are blessedly peaceful....something that has been kind of missing for a while! Brock is feeling pretty well.....eating soft foods and drinking without much pain. He even tried a Taco Bell chicken quesadilla this evening, but that was a little much! Better stick to yogurt and gatorade for a few more days! He is feeling well enough to go to school, but I have kind of put the brakes on that. We are in the midst of a nasty flu outbreak here in central Indiana, and I am a little worried about it. We REALLY don't need him getting the flu right now....a cough, sore throat, or vomiting would not be very pleasant with that stent in his throat! So, I have talked to his teachers and they are going to get assignments together for him, and he is going to pick them up tomorrow and work on them at home to get caught up. Maybe he can go back to school next week if this flu thing settles down.

Otherwise, not much going on. Tessa had off-season volleyball tryouts on Saturday. She will probably play for our local Selma Volleyball club team in the 14 year old age bracket. Practices will start again after Christmas break.....good thing we like volleyball around here! There was a JV/Varsity basketball game last night. I encouraged Brock to go and support his team, but just thought he would sit in the stands. When we got there though, there he was, in uniform and on the bench. That was a nice surprise. Lots of wonderful people around here!

Well, thats all for tonight. Still no word yet on what Brock's treatment will be. I am supposed to call the clinic later this week to see what they have decided to do since the depsipeptide trial was suspended. I will post as soon as I know. Thanks for the support and good thoughts. We appreciate you all!

Monday, December 8, 2003 4:42 PM CST

Hi everyone. Well, if you can believe it, we have hit yet another bump in the road. Our ped onc nurse practitioner called today to tell us not to come down tomorrow, that the depsipeptide trial Brock was supposed to start has been suspended because the first child to try this high a dose passed away within 48 hours of getting the med! I am SO freaked out! My heart aches for the parents, but I can't help but feel that Brock has been "spared" in some way!

So now, we wait again till the docs decide what to do next. I read an article today about cisplatin/gemcitabine in combo being effective for Wilms, but not sure about the details. I suggested it to our nurse and she said she would look into it. Oh well, we'll see where the next step takes us!

Brock's swallowing is getting better.....he is drinking much better today. He did try some mac & cheese tonight, but that was a little rough for him. Better keep it to pudding and applesauce for a few more days! We have one more bag of TPN left that our nurse said we could do tonight or save it and see how he does on his own. I think he is probably ok to go on his own, as the TPN was making him throw up every morning.

Well, thats all the news from here for today. Keep the good thoughts and prayers coming, we need them!

Saturday, December 6, 2003 7:10 PM CST

WE ARE HOME!!!! First thing Brock did was jump into a nice warm bathbub! Sounds like a great idea to me....think I'll do the sam shortly! He came home on oral pain meds (liquid) but is swallowing them ok, although it does still hurt. A homecare nurse is on her way here to show me how to hook him up to TPN, which he will have at night for at least a few days, maybe up to 2 weeks, depending on how soon he can get back to eating enough to nourish him and put some weight back on.

We go back to clinic on Tuesday to start the depsipeptide. It is a 4 hour infusion with ECG's several times before/during/after the med. He also has to go back down 24 hours afterwards, which means another quick trip on Wednesday for an ECG. I will probably do the Tuesday trip with Lynn taking the Wednesday shift. That will be the schedule for 3 weeks, with the 4th week being a rest week from the med. Scans, etc., will be done that week too to see if we are getting any positive results from the med. We did find out that Brock is starting at the 3rd dose level on the study, with 1 and 2 being completed with no reports of dose limiting toxicity. That is good, that means that the dose he will start on is higher than he might have gotten had he started first, and hopefully will bring us better tumor killing results.

Well, thats all from here for now. It is awfully late at night for me to be learning something new, but I can do it! He has tolerated the TPN fine the last couple of nights in the hospital so I don't anticipate any problems. Thanks for the good thoughts and prayers. Keep them coming as we embark on yet another journey!

Friday, December 5, 2003 9:53 AM CST

HI all. Brock is still inpatient at Riley this Friday morning. Hoping with all our might to go home today, but not sure. He is getting IV fluids during the day and TPN at night, which I could do at home until he is eating regularly again. We start the new depsipeptide study on Tuesday but that is all outpatient. The GI doc came in this morning to check on his esophageal stent, and said things were good, he needs to start drinking and eating soft stuff whenever he is ready. Brock says it only hurts when he swallows but that it is a little better today. His back is starting to hurt again, probably just from laying around and getting no activity. At least at home he would be up walking around from his recliner to the computer! :)

So that is the story here for now. Not much going on, just typical hospital boredom. Please keep up the kind thoughs and prayers. We can always use them!

Thursday, December 4, 2003 6:22 PM CST

Good evening all. I am back at Riley with Brock tonight, Lynn went home for a shower and a good night's sleep! :) He will go back to work tomorrow, and with any luck at all Brock and I will go home. He has started drinking small sips of apple juice and water, but his throat is really hurting where the stent is at. The port site isn't bothering him at all, and is working fine for his fluids. I think they are planning to give him TPN tonight while he sleeps to get some much needed nutrients in him. The throat soreness, though, is much worse than I think we thought it would be. He says it hurts a lot still, and I think he is kind of bummed that it is this sore. He is still getting morphine for pain so he's sleeping a lot too. It has only been a little over 24 hours since his surgery so I guess this is normal. The doctor said he would have pain for 2-3 days. Oh well.....on we go.

Otherwise, things are going as planned. Brock had a muga scan today which is required for the new phase 1 trial he has been put into. He also had another swallowing test which looked good....the stent was in exactly the right place and he swallowed fine. Now if we can just make it quit hurting he should be in business.

Thanks for checking in. Brock has to be able to eat before we are sprung from here, so hopefully tomorrow he can get some pudding or something down, or at least by Saturday. Keep the good thoughts coming!

Wednesday, December 3, 2003 8:28 PM CST

Hi everyone. This is gonna be short cause I am pooped tonight! Brock's surgery went well, got the port in no problem. The stent in the esophagus went in fine too, except that they determined the closure was not scar tissue after all, but was in fact tumor pressing on it. The problem is that with his scoliosis and one kidney gone, all of his internal organs are shifting places.....heart has moved over a bit, right lung is a little lower, etc. Anyway, things went well from a surgical standpoint. When I left he was complaining about his back hurting.....which he always does when he has to lay flat for any amount of time. Our docs and nurses are really good at controlling pain though, and I imagine he will feel much better in the morning. He can start drinking tomorrow, then soft foods as tolerated. Hopefully when he can start getting some food down he can come home!

The MRI of his head was clear, another bit of good news. There are 2 more microscopic spots in his right lung, so small that they were not even seen till the radiation docs looked over the scans. That means the vincristine/actino/doxil we were using is out, since those spots appeared. He got a spot in a new phase 1 trial of depsipeptide, so we are going to try it. It is 1 dose a week for 3 weeks, then a week of rest. We re-scan then, and see whats up. On to a new adventure!

Well, I am off here for tonight. Thank you for all the support and good thought! Once again, maybe we have dodged a bullet.....I sure hope so!

Tuesday, December 2, 2003 7:13 PM CST

Hi. Just a quick update tonight. Brock's luck seems to be holding....the radiation onc came in this afternoon and said that after studying the CT all afternoon he determined that the tumor DID NOT grow at all since September, and that the esophagus obstruction is probably scar tissue from previous radiation! The no growth is good news, but it kinda aggravates me that maybe we have done some things in the past that didn't need done. Anyway, he is having an MRI of his head done tonight to check out the surgery site, and surgery tomorrow to put in a port a cath for his medicines, and a stent in his esophagus to open it up and get him eating again. He should hopefully be home in a couple of days.

Thanks for your continued support. We really appreciate all the good vibes from around the world! Keep 'em coming!

Monday, December 1, 2003 5:49 PM CST

Hi everyone. Well, then news today could have been better, but could have been worse too. The lung tumor has grown slightly, but the direction it grew is the problem. It grew toward his esophagus, pinching it nearly shut. That explains the swallowing problem. Now we have a couple of procedures to face...they want an MRI of his head, since the chest tumor grew they want to make sure there are no more brain lesions. Next, they will need to put in a port for fluids, temporary tpn, and chemo. Along with the port they are putting in a stent in his esophagus to open it up so he can start eating again. He has been drinking more though. That is good, along with the IV fluids, should make him feel somewhat better. They are going to start him on taxol and carboplatin to make the tumor more sensitive to radiation, which we are going to do also, but I'm not sure when. They went ahead and admitted him so that we could be close by whenever they can get the procedures scheduled, and also to get him on IV fluids and tpn. Like I said, could be better, could be worse.

So it looks like we get a couple of days of bonding at Riley. If we are here more than a day or so Lynn will come down and switch places with me. We try to switch off on inpatient stays so Tessa has someone at home with her in the evenings, and Riley is about 90 minutes away for us.

Well, thats all from here. I will keep updating as things go on. Please keep the good thoughts and prayers coming! We certainly appreciate them!

Sunday, November 30, 2003 2:20 PM CST

Good afternoon. It is a bright, sunny Sunday here in Indiana, and we have taken the chance to get outside a bit. Brock just went for a ride with a friend, so he is getting out of the house a little today. He is feeling ok, but still fighting with the swallowing problem.

I called our nurse friend Laura from Riley and chatted with her for a bit about his swallowing difficulties, and to tell her we would be headed down to clinic first thing in the morning. She will let the docs know at report in the morning that we are on our way. Brock is not having pain or difficulty breathing, but is getting cranky and probably weak from not being able to eat. I'm sure the scales won't be kind tomorrow when they weigh him in! Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers, and I will update when we get some news tomorrow. I assume we will go ahead and do his head/chest CT which was scheduled for Friday, and probably IV fluids too, since I think dehydration is a possibility. That could be part of what is making him feel bad, just being dehydrated. He has been drinking a little more today though.....that is good.

Well, we have a Thanksgiving pizza party to go to (poor kid!) so I will update more later.

LeeAnn

Friday, November 28, 2003 4:09 PM CST

HI friends. Hope today finds you not too exhausted from the biggest shopping day of the year! :) Lynn, Brock, and I ventured out to Best Buys at 6 am today, but came away basically empty handed. We went looking for a laptop computer advertised at a really good price but of course they were "out" of them by the time we made out way to the computer dept. Imagine that! Made a couple of other stops, including Bob Evans for breakfast, but that was it. We went back to the mall later but not much luck there either. I am just not organized enough to get much done. I think I will sit down here at the computer and order the rest of Christmas from Target.com! :)

Thanksgiving dinner was a big bust for Brock. His swallowing problem is getting worst by the day, to the point that getting liquids down is almost hard. He is not scheduled to go back to Riley for scans/chemo till Friday, but you can bet we will be taking off first thing Monday morning to head down there to see what can be done. I am terrified of what they may tell us, but hopefully it is something that can be taken care of. Otherwise he feels ok, but his spirits are down. He was especially bummed at all the food at Thanksgiving dinner that he couldn't get down. He has managed some pudding, soup, and hot chocolate today, although small amounts. I don't quite know what to make of this. His breathing is find though....go figure. I am looking to probably be admitted on Monday, perhaps for fluids for dehydration and possibly TPN. He doesn't have a port in right now, so peripheral IV ia assume,

Plese keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I don't know where this latest curve in the road will take us, but we can sure use all your support! Thanks again!

Wednesday, November 26, 2003 6:31 PM CST

Happy night before Thanksgiving everyone! Hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving with lots to be thankful for. I know here at our house we try to look for thankful things as often as possible, but sometimes the everyday stuff gets us down. Getting together with family and friends tomorrow will be a good way to focus on the "good" stuff!

Brock continues to have swallowing issues, although the cough seems to be pretty much gone. He is having back pain now, right at the curve of his spine due to his scoliosis, which makes swallowing even harder for him. We aren't scheduled to go back to Riley till 12/5, which means another 9 days till scans/chemo/whatever. I asked him today if he wanted me to call and schedule his appt for earlier in the week and his typical teenage reply was "I don't care". So.....I guess if it's not bothering him enough to want to get to the dr about it I will try to chill and ride it out too! Easier said than done!

I will try to upload some more "Rock for Brock" pics. Sorry about the size on the first ones! I don't know much about how to size or drop pics, so I am just kind of muddling my way through! The extreme close ups were kind of frightening though! :)

Thanks for checking in on us, and please continue the prayers and good thoughts. One battle at a time seems to be our way of life around here, and we really appreciate all the support!

Sunday, November 23, 2003 6:01 PM CST

Good evening. Check out the new pics from the "Rock for Brock" event last night! We got lots of good pictures so I will try to rotate them often. The evening was extraordinary! SO many people turned out, some of whom we didn't even know! There was a chicken and noodle dinner prepared by the awesome cooks at Selma Middle and Wapahani High Schools, a rocking chair marathon manned by WHS National Honor Society members, and an auction which had some really cool stuff! There were also raffles and silent auction items as well. To end the evening there was a dance.....cool to watch so many kids having fun and being such a great source of support too! I could not believe the turnout. As someone said last night, "Brock has touched so many lives without even knowing it. Lots of people are better for having known him". Made me cry!
Needless to say we are VERY grateful to all the people who put in the time to put this awesome evening together! I won't even try to mention names for fear of leaving someone out, but the teachers and staff of the Liberty Perry Community School are definitely the best on the face of the planet!!!!!

Brock was definitely worn out last night, as were the rest of us. He managed a nap, I hung wallpaper border! How fair is that? :) He also helped his dad purchase and set up a new computer system for his grandparents. He loves that kind of stuff, and it was some "guy bonding" time!

Thats all for tonight. Gotta get Tessa to youth group. Thanks for stopping by, and don't forget to check out the pictures and sign the guest book!

Saturday, November 22, 2003 2:21 PM CST

Good afternoon! As I write this quick update, we are all getting ready to go to the "Rock for Brock" festivities. Tonight is the chicken and noodle dinner and fundraiser events that some wonderful folks in our community have put together. I am a little anxious about it, but I am sure it will go fine. It is pretty amazing what a group of people can do when they put their minds to it! We really appreciate the kindness and show of support for Brock and his battles. The slogan for the evening is "Be Brock's Rock....Fight the Battle". Pretty awesome! I am not usually at a loss for words, but this outpouring leaves me a little short of comment.

I will try to post some pics this evening or tomorrow. The festivities are scheduled to go on till 10 p.m., so I may not be awake enough to update tonight, but will definitely do it tomorrow! Wish us luck as we embark on our evening!

Wednesday, November 19, 2003 7:07 PM CST

HI all. Brock's 6 week post surgery checkup with the neurosurgeon went very well today. The dr was very impressed at how well he had healed, how quickly he got back to school, and the fact the Brock told him he was feeling "great"! We had a nice mother/son bonding trip down to Riley and back, with a couple of stops along the way. He did, however, put a hold on Brock's basketball season. He ok'd him to start light workouts, shooting drills, etc., but NO scrimmaging or actual playing that might involve contact between his head and anything else! He said it would take about 3 mos for the bone plate to refuse completely, so nothing involving risk of contact till January. Brock was surprisingly ok with that.....he was happy to at least be allowed to start going to practice and be with his teammates. I think he was anxious for their company!

So all in all a good day. Brock just got home from working on his grandparents computer, and evidently had some sort of technical difficulty that his dad will have to take a look at tomorrow. WAY too complicated for me!

Thanks for all the good thoughts and support. Lets keep hoping for the same kind of good report in a couple of weeks when we have chemo again and rescan that lung sucker.......

Sunday, November 16, 2003 7:19 PM CST

Good evening. Hope all is well with everyone out there checking in on us. Things here have been thankfully calm this weekend. If Brock's blood counts dropped this weekend, I sure couldn't tell it! Our basketball team had a jamboree on Saturday night and he was right there with the JV team. Went out to eat pizza afterwards, then he and a couple of friends went to play pool and video games. He seems to have a slight cough, but did say he thought his swallowing problem was getting a little better. That's good for us to hear! I am hoping for it to get better over the next couple of weeks. He doesn't go back for chemo till 12/5, when he will have CT scans of his head and chest. We do go see the neurosurgeon this Wednesday for his 6 weeks post-surgery checkup though. He probably won't have any exciting news other than they will want to do the brain radiation soon. I think they want to start that after this next round of chemo. Dr. Goldman wanted a full 2 round cycle in him before the radiation began.

This is a quick update, because our dinner is almost done. Yes, I know its almost 8:30 here in Indiana, but Tessa is cooking tonight, and we got home from doing errands kind of late so she got a late start on dinner. Pretty impressive for a 13 year old.....turkey, mashed potatoes, broccoli, cheesecake.....she must think its already Thanksgiving! At out house, though, we do kinda like to do things a little out of the ordinary....plus, as we all know, we really should look at every day as Thanksgiving! Have a good night, and please sign the guest book....we love having visitors!

Thursday, November 13, 2003 7:35 PM CST

Hi everyone. Brock is in hog heaven tonight.....he just got the parts in to build his (OUR) new computer! Just like a little kid at Christmas! He has been working for a couple of hours on it, and I have absolutely NO idea what he is doing, but he seems to be enjoying it! Go Brock!!

Health wise he seems to be doing well this week. He is 6 days out of chemo, and I have seen no sign of blood counts dropping. In fact, he even mentioned today that the swallowing problem is easing up a little. Maybe the doxil will do the trick and shrink the tumor to where it won't bother him.....maybe even make it go away! I know, at this point thats a lot to ask, but we will see. Never hurts to hope and pray and cross fingers!

Basketball games start in a couple of weeks, and hopefully Brock will feel like participating. He sees the neurosurgeon next Wednesday for his 6 week post surgery check up, and we are assuming the dr will release him to start practicing. He knows he's out of shape (aren't we all!) but I think some exercise would do him good. Plus, the guys on the team seem anxious to have him back. I think they think if he is playing ball, he is ok. Kinda my feeling too!

Well, on to other things tonight. Lynn painted our kitchen Monday and Tuesday, and I wallpapered and bordered a little last night. We are slowly but surely getting it put back together. I have a little trouble dealing with the chaos of disarray, but it will soon be back to normal, and much cuter looking to boot! Thanks for stopping by to check on our world!

Sunday, November 9, 2003 8:36 PM CST

Hello. A quiet weekend here, thankfully. Brock's chemo didn't seem to affect him much, which is good. Only a couple of minor episodes of nausea. No Zofran today, amazingly enough. His appetite hasn't been great, but he has been trying to eat at least a little at a time. Just requested macaroni and cheese from Mom, which of course I made for him.....anything to get some calories in him! His cold also seems a little better, although the occasional cough is hanging on. He has been working all evening to catch up on some homework he missed for chemo on Friday. Does my heart good to see him working to keep up in school.....I know its good for him to keep involved and up with things at school.

We got a little surprise when Tessa came home from youth group tonight. They had been out doing a scavenger hunt and another group found a stray kitten and brought it back to the church. Since the church is across the highway from our town, Tessa was terrified that it would get hit crossing the highway. So.....guess where it ended up! We are only its "foster family" though....our friend Clay is going to pick it up on his way home from work tonight! We already have 3 cats.....Lynn and Brock vetoed this one as soon as we came in the door! It is cute though, but I'm glad its getting a good home with Clay!

That's all from here for now.....thanks for stopping by, and all the good thoughts and prayers. We appreciat them!

Friday, November 7, 2003 7:13 PM CST

Hi everyone. Things are quiet here for a Friday night. Brock's migraine ended up lasting almost 2 days! He finally felt well enough to go to school yesterday, but missed today for chemo. He does very well keeping up in school though....in large part to the great teachers he has who are always more than willing to help him when he needs it! Thanks folks! :)

His chemo today went very well. Lynn took him because I had a field trip scheduled with my freshman health class. Clinic was incredibly empty....Brock's appt was at 1:00, and he was the first patient they had had since 10:00! That NEVER happens at Riley, so I am taking it as a good sign.....maybe there are lots of healthy kids out there! Anyway, he had lost weight which aggravates me because he has been eating well, but who knows. Maybe he was just wearing lighter clothes today! He got vincristine and doxil, a form of adriamycin. His tumors have always responded well to adriamycin before so hopefully this will give us some good results. His next chemo is going to be in 4 weeks this time instead of 3, because we run into Thanksgiving weekend. He could have gone the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, but I didn't want him feeling yucky for the holiday weekend.

So thats about it from here. Not much planned for the weekend, just take it as it comes I guess. Thanks for the continued support, and please sign the guestbook!

Tuesday, November 4, 2003 8:37 PM CST

Good evening all. It is late (for me anyway!) so this update will be short. We just got home from Tessa's 8th grade Volleyball banquet at Mancino's. We had a good time, the girls really goofed off and had fun, and the pizza was good! Congratulations to the girls, who went undefeated in the county all 3 years of middle school!

Brock is under the weather, and has been for a few days. He started with a cough a week or so ago, then the cold symptoms came. He started complaining of a headache last evening and it has gotten progressively worse till tonight. It seems to be one of his typical migraines, but still it bothers me. He hadn't had a headache since his surgery last month, so I guess I was kind of hoping the tumor was to blame for the migraines, but I guess not. He is feeling pretty bad tonight.....bad headache, light and noise sensitivity, etc. Hopefully by morning it will be gone, since his migraines usually last 24-36 hours. He missed 1/2 day of school today because of it, so I hope by tomorrow it is better for him. He is scheduled for chemo on Friday, vincristine and doxil, providing his cold is better and his blood counts are ok.

Please keep the good thoughts and prayers coming. With any little change in his health my imagination gets the best of me and the worry monster takes over. Your continued support gives us strength. Thank you!!!!! Please sign the guestbook too!

Sunday, November 2, 2003 5:02 PM CST

HI everyone. I can't believe it has been almost a week since I updated Brock's site, but as the old saying goes, no news is good news! Other than fighting this cold that keeps hanging on, Brock is doing well. His social life is back into full swing, and he his doing well at school. He is scheduled for chemo this Friday the 7th, and we go back to see the surgeon on the 19th. I assume he will release him at that time and we will talk with the radiation oncs about his brain raidiation. Yippee! :(

We have enjoyed a (dare I say it?) pretty normal week here. No one had any practices or anything except Tessa's dance classes on Thursday, so we got to spend plenty of down time at home. That will all change pretty soon though. Tessa starts basketball practices tomorrow, and I assume the surgeon will release Brock to start participating in his basketball practices, although maybe with some limitations. Back to the running around like mad people!

We ruined the kid's afternoon today by forcing them to Meijers for a family portrait! The last one we had done was probably 7-8 years ago, and we wanted a new one. The kids were less than thrilled though. Oh well, we got them there. They gave us the pics on disk so I will try to upload one or two here tonight, we'll see what happens.

Thanks for stopping by. Don't forget the guestbook!

Monday, October 27, 2003 9:57 AM CST

Hi everyone. Today has certainly been a Monday from the start! Brock is home today with a nasty cold. Imagine that! Gets through brain surgery with flying colors, now a cold has him down! Actually I was a little relieved to see the cold symptoms appear....he has had a cough for a few days now, evidently the beginning of the cold. Now the runny nose, fever, etc. are confirming that he has a full blown cold (no pun intended!). Anyway, his snotty nose actually helped me breathe a little easier! :) Not quite so worried about the cough now.

Not much to report from the weekend. Our high school girls volleyball team was defeated in the sectional by a local rival. It was a tough match, and I'm sure the girls were disappointed. They had a great season though, and the community is very proud of them. Good year, ladies!

Other than going to the volleyball game and cleaning house, our weekend was spent just doing nothing. Kind of nice sometimes. I even cooked! It will be a short spell, though, because basketball practices, etc., start back up again next week, so we will be back to running around like wild people. Oh well, keeps us off the streets!

Thanks for checking in, and don't forget to sign the guestbook!

Friday, October 24, 2003 8:08 PM CDT

Hi everyone. A quiet Friday night here in beautiful Indiana. Brock and some friends have gone out to Ball State University to the student center to play pool. Tessa is at a birthday party with friends, and Lynn and I are having a quiet evening at home catching up on chores and magazines! I am a magazine-aholic whose subscription numbers are WAY bigger than the time I have to read them! I have finally gotten around to letting a few of them expire, but I still get more than I can keep up with, so tonight I have about 5 or 6 piled up in my chair waiting to be read. Maybe I'll learn something new!

Brock is feeling very well, except for a slight cough he has picked up over the last few days. I always worry about coughs with the tumor still in his lung, but it doesn't seem to be bothering him so I try not to let it bother me. It is VERY hard for me not to question him about every little thing that appears different, but I try. He usually politely answers the first few rounds of "Are you ok?", then finally gives me the look that says "PLEASE leave me alone!" Ahhh, teenagers!

Thanks for stopping by. Brock's next chemo is 11/7, so we don't anticipate anything happening medical-wise till then. We do appreciate the interest and caring of everyone though! Please remember to sign the guest book...it is amazing how many new faces and places we have seen there!

Wednesday, October 22, 2003 7:39 PM CDT

Hi all. Not much to report here, which is a good sign. Brock continues to recover well. We are 8 days post chemo and no signs as yet of his blood counts dropping, which is good. I was really hoping to get through these first few chemo treatments unscathed, because I know from past experience that the effects are cumulative, building up over the course of the chemo, so that the longer we go the more intense the effects on his blood counts, energy level, etc. I used to think that if the chemo was making him feel crummy it MUST be doing its job...ha ha, found out differently didn't we!

Brock is over playing video games with a friend tonight, Tessa is getting ready for a halloween/birthday party on Friday (costume planning takes a while you know!) and Lynn is watching the World Series game. All in all a pretty "normal" evening for a family who is WAY far from normal! :) We are on Fall Break from school for the next couple of days, and I hope the downtime is good for all of us. It seems that we have been trying to be so many places at once lately, it sounds kind of good to just have nothing to do for a couple of days!

Thanks for stopping by, and please sign the guestbook. Thanks, as always, for your continued support and caring!

Monday, October 20, 2003 10:57 AM CDT

Good morning! We had a pretty good weekend at our house, with the exception of me having some sort of flu bug on Saturday. Brock did well, going to the Ball State University Homecoming Parade with us, hanging out with his friends, and eating like a horse! I hope this appetite thing is permanent....it just amazes me to see him eat like a "normal" 16 year old boy! He continues to taper off the decadron though, so we will see if the appetite disappears with the medicine.

We are 6 days out of his first chemo, and his blood counts generally drop 7-10 days after getting the medicine, so I will be watching for signs of that happening. We have only a 3 day school week this week, with Fall break being Thursday and Friday. That should help if his counts do drop, giving him a couple of extra days rest. So far he isn't showing any signs, but I will keep my eyes open.....probably TOO open!

Thanks for continuing to check in on us. I had a really strange episode last night....just couldn't shake the feeling of general uneasiness, like something was about to happen. Everyone woke up fine this morning though, so I guess it was nothing. I HATE those kinds of feelings though....heart pounding, hard to breathe, all kinds of bad thoughts running through my head....I know I should be thankful for what we have and where we are, and live life one day at a time, but I am a "professional worrier"....I still worry about what "might" happen. Not sure how to get past that, but I keep trying! Thanks for your continued support!

Friday, October 17, 2003 9:16 AM CDT

HI. Today is "Brock Day" at school. It is really cool to see all the kids and teachers wearing the "Be Brock's Rock" shirts. I am going to take some pictures today with my digital camera, so I will update the pictures here this evening when I get home. Our community is so great about supporting us....we really appreciate it!

Brock made it through half a day of school yesterday. He was tired, but I think he enjoyed being back around all his friends. He is going to try the afternoon part of his schedule today, so we'll see how that works out.

The "chemo crummies" are gone for the most part. He tends to feel pretty gross for 24-48 hours after chemo, then pretty much back to normal. His appetite is good, which I am glad about. I would like to see him pack a few pounds on his skinny frame!

I did call the surgeon this morning about kind of a wierd thing that happened yesterday. Brock told me he could hear and feel fluid moving around in his head around his incision site. Last night he it did it again and we were able to see and feel the fluid move around under his scalp. So of course, freaking out like I tend to do, I called first thing this morning. His surgeon was great, making me feel much better. Evidently this is ok....his body is just "protecting" the area of the brain where the surgery took place till it heals well, then the fluid should go away. Pretty amazing. He is a very nice guy, very impressed with Brock and his healing ability.

Well, that's all for this morning. I will update pictures later today, so check back. And don't forget the guestbook! :)

Thursday, October 16, 2003 8:08 AM CDT

BROCK IS GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY!!!!! He is going in a bit late, but he is going to give his morning classes a try! The chemo on Tuesday hit him kind of hard.....he felt pretty crummy till yesterday evening, even with the Zofran. He did finally feel well enough to go to the high school girls volleyball game to see them recognize his sister's 8th grade county championship team. It was kinda neat.....everyone there was thrilled to see him, made a big deal of him being there, all that stuff. I think he secretly enjoyed it! :) Tomorrow is "Brock Day" at the middle school and high school, everyone is supposed to wear their "Be Brock's Rock" shirt. He wasn't quite sure about that.....sometimes the attention is a bit much, but we really do appreciate all the support from the community.

His next chemo is in 3 weeks, then 3 weeks later they will scan him to see if the chest tumor is shrinking after 2 rounds of chemo. If so we keep going, and the radiation will be worked in then too. I guess that's our next hurdle....making this medicine work the way it should! Please keep up the good thoughts and prayers.....we know they are working or he wouldn't be where he is today. Thanks, and please sign the guestbook so we know you were here!

Tuesday, October 14, 2003 9:12 PM CDT

Well, chemo today was blessedly uneventful. The vincristine and the actinomycin were IV push, so the whole thing only took a few minutes. We actually waited longer to get our paperwork done for our next visit than we did getting the chemo done! So far Brock is feeling ok....tired, but ok. This was the most activity he has had since surgery, and I think the trip and the clinic visit wore him out.

Our oncologist wants to get a full cycle of chemo in him before radiation starts, so we are off the hook for radiation for 6 weeks. I guess that makes sense since the surgeon wants to check him out again in 6 weeks anyway. The oncologist wants to make sure the chemo is having a positive effect on the chest tumor, so he wants to have a full 6 week cycle (2 drugs now, 2 more in 3 weeks) then scan him again before we do anything else. Hopefully we will see some shrinkage in 6 weeks time.

Brock is going to try to go back to school tomorrow for a half day.....at least that is the plan now, unless he wakes up feeling crappy in the morning. 1/2 days the rest of this week, then maybe back to full days next week, if he feels like it. I don't want to push, because I know if he gets really worn out his healing will slow down and we don't want that. We want him as strong as possible during the chemo.....it will be hard enough on him without the added element of being worn out in general.

Well, it's off to bed here I think. We are all pretty drained tonight for some reason, although watching the Cubs game had been a high point. Our friend "Nurse Nancy" was wonderful and brought us dinner tonight....thanks Nancy, it was GREAT! We all ate and retired to our respective recliners, except for Brock who had some homework to do. Don't forget to sign the guestbook....we really appreciate hearing from everyone!

Monday, October 13, 2003 7:30 PM CDT

Good evening. Things here continue to improve steadily, including Brock's appetite! I am thrilled because he could sure use a few pounds on his frame. He stayed home from school today.....his energy level isn't quite back to normal yet, but it has only been 1 week since surgery. He looks so good to me though it is hard to remember it has only been a week. He is actually anxious to get back to school. He is hoping to be up to it later in the week, at least half days. I brought some of his homework home to him today....needless to say it was a "reality check" for him! :)

We go back to Riley tomorrow to start chemo for the chest tumor. I assume we will find out then what the onc and the radiation dr have worked out as far as a treatment schedule goes. I don't know if they can be done during the same time period, or if they have to "take turns" or what. I will post as soon as I know, but I do know that tomorrow starts the outpatient vincristine/actinomycin infusions every 21 days, alternating with vincristine/doxil. Should be interesting to see what they cook up for us.

Well, the baseball game is on....time to "bond" with the family. We are a mixed family as far as this series go....we have Cubs fans and Yankee fans in our household. Should be fun.......!

Saturday, October 11, 2003 8:32 PM CDT

HI. Brock continues to improve daily. This evening he took a short ride with me to pick up pizza, and decided to make a stop at the video store. That was enough to wear him out though, and he came home and chilled out for the rest of the evening. He is taking very little pain meds now, although he has awakened the last 2 nights with a really bad headache at about 4 a.m. Can't quite figure that one out, but hopefully it won't become a pattern.

The excitement of the day.....TESSA'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM WON THE DELAWARE COUNTY 8TH GRADE TOURNEY!!!!! The girls had a slow start but played 3 good matches to win the championship. Even cooler.....this is the 3rd year in a row they have won the tourney....undefeated during their entire middle school career! We are VERY proud of them all. Tessa played well, helping her team out each time she came into the game. It was a neat day, with 2 fire trucks meeting us on the highway a few miles from our town and escorting us, sirens and horns honking, back to the school. The girls loved it!

Well, thats about all for tonight. Keep those good thoughts and prayers coming....as we continue the battle!
Don't forget to sign the guestbook so we know you were here!

Thursday, October 9, 2003 3:09 PM CDT

BROCK'S HOME!!!!!!!! Its about 3:00 Thursday afternoon, and we just got home from the hospital. Brock is already asking for pizza! :) I have about half a dozen prescriptions to go get filled, but I am more than willing to do that little errand! He is feeling pretty good, up walking around and scavenging for food.....not much here since we've been gone most of the week! We will treat him to his favorite pizza tonight, then I will go to watch Tessa's last regular season volleyball game as a middle schooler. I can't believe they grow up so fast..... Dad is looking forward to a night of relaxing in his favorite chair with Brock while I go to the game. Just sitting around the hospital is SO exhausting.....I know just how he feels!

Well, that's all for now. Just wanted to let everyone know he was "cut loose" today. Thanks again for your kind thoughts and prayers. And thanks for signing the guestbook. It is great to read all the encouraging words!

Wednesday, October 8, 2003 9:54 PM CDT

Well, it seems that "Superman" has done it again! He has totally impressed the surgeon with his healing ability! He was up walking today, short distances of course, eating Reese Cups and drinking Mt. Dew (yeah, ok, he IS my kid!). The incision on his head looks kinda cool....sort of horseshoe shaped and very thin. I told him good thing the Indianapolis Colts are doing well, he can just tell people he's a Colts fan!

And, the best part....he will be coming home tomorrow! The surgeon is really pleased with his progress, so he is cutting him loose to recuperate at home. He has pretty much weaned off the morphine, and is taking his Decadron orally, so he is doing all the things he is supposed to do to come home. He is complaining of a headache, imagine that, but honestly it wouldn't surprise me if the Mt. Dew helped that a little.....caffeine withdrawal for 4 days you know!

Anyway, Tessa and I are at home tonight. I will take her to school in the morning then head to Indy to retrieve the guys. Thanks so much for all your support. It really means a lot to us. And, a special thank you to the great folks at the Liberty Perry Community schools where I teach. You are a great bunch of people! Rock on! Please remember to sign the guestbook.....we like to know you're here!

Wednesday, October 8, 2003 9:54 PM CDT

Well, it seems that "Superman" has done it again! He has totally impressed the surgeon with his healing ability! He was up walking today, short distances of course, eating Reese Cups and drinking Mt. Dew (yeah, ok, he IS my kid!). The incision on his head looks kinda cool....sort of horseshoe shaped and very thin. I told him good thing the Indianapolis Colts are doing well, he can just tell people he's a Colts fan!

And, the best part....he will be coming home tomorrow! The surgeon is really pleased with his progress, so he is cutting him loose to recuperate at home. He has pretty much weaned off the morphine, and is taking his Decadron orally, so he is doing all the things he is supposed to do to come home. He is complaining of a headache, imagine that, but honestly it wouldn't surprise me if the Mt. Dew helped that a little.....caffeine withdrawal for 4 days you know!

Anyway, Tessa and I are at home tonight. I will take her to school in the morning then head to Indy to retrieve the guys. Thanks so much for all your support. It really means a lot to us. And, a special thank you to the great folks at the Liberty Perry Community schools where I teach. You are a great bunch of people! Rock on! Please remember to sign the guestbook.....we like to know you're here!

Tuesday, October 7, 2003 3:46 PM CDT

HI all. Just a quick update, got a date with my daughter! Brock's surgery went perfectly.....the surgeon was "sincerely very happy" with the outcome. Got all the tumor out, the brain popped right back into its normal shape, and the feeling has returned to Brock's left hand. THANK YOU ALL for your prayers and support!!!!!!!

They moved him from ICU this afternoon to a PRIVATE room on the onc floor......he asked to go there because "the nurses know me and take good care of me", as he told the surgeon when he requested to go there instead of a med-surg floor. Gotta love the kid!

Today is my birthday (not telling how old!) so I came back home this afternoon to have "girl bonding" with Tessa. We are in for an evening of eating and shopping.....what could be better!? :)

I will update more later, but right now we're hungry! Thanks again everyone! Please sign the guestbook here if you stop by.....we love hearing from everyone!

Sunday, October 5, 2003 8:53 PM CDT

Hi everyone. It is the night before Brock's surgery to remove the lesion from his brain, and as usual things are chaotic around here. We have had a busy weekend with our high school volleyball team winning our county championship (Go Raiders!) and a trip to a HUGE fall festival in Metamora, IN with some friends. Tessa and Lynn are at Target right now picking up some essential snacks for the hospital stay (Brock won't eat hospital food) and Brock and I are at home trying to get clothes packed. I am cleaning too, of course, because I can't stand to leave my house messy because that means I have to come home to it messy! :0 I know, I have issues, right? ;) Brock is in a good mood, got a new speaker system hooked up in his truck today so he is thrilled. My nerves are starting to kick in a little, but not as much as they will be tomorrow!

We have to be at Riley Monday morning at 6:00 (how heinous is that?) with surgery scheduled for 7:30. Please think good thoughts for us tomorrow.....all Brock is worried about is NOT waking up with a port in! He said last time he had surgery we snuck in a port without his permission....I don't think that will happen this time. Tessa is going to the hospital with us in the morning, rising and shining at 4:30, then is coming back home with Grandma and Grandpa to have her volleyball team pictures taken and play a home game. I hate missing her game, but oh well.....we have 2 others this week!

Please sign the guestbook if you read this, and keep sending those good thoughts our way. I will update as much as possible. We are taking our laptop computer with us so hopefully getting online won't be a problem. Thanks for all your support!

Friday, October 3, 2003 8:31 AM CDT

Hi all. Brock's surgery is scheduled for Monday. No time established yet, the surgery dept. is supposed to call today to let us know when to be there. He is in pretty good spirits about the whole thing, as he always is. He is getting pretty annoyed with his "stupid left hand", the one that is numb from the pressure on his brain from the tumor. He can't really use that hand, and it bugs him. He is driving, though.....with mom anxious about every trip! Mostly his jaunts have been short....to school, to volleyball games, to the store. He hasn't ventured too far just yet. I think the left hand driving issue makes him a little nervous to go very far.

I will try my best to keep this site updated next week while Brock is in the hospital. Please sign the guestbook if you stop by here. And please continue those good thoughts and prayers. We do appreciate them!

Wednesday, October 1, 2003 11:14 AM CDT

Hi.  Well, it seems that we may have dodged a bullet once again, at least
with the brain mass.  Brock's MRI last night was all clear except for the
right frontal lobe lesion that was found last week on his CT.  We met today
with the neurosurgeon who is very confident about this being resectable.  He
even showed us the MRI pictures and explained them to us.  So, we will go
ahead with the surgery to remove the lesion on Friday or Monday, with
radiation to follow.  Also, we will probably go ahead and start the chemo
for the chest tumor before he leaves the hospital.  3-5 days in the hospital
was the time frame the neuro doc gave us, with the surgery taking 3-6 hours.
Brock thought that sounded like a piece of cake compared to some of the
surgeries he has endured!

Oh, and the BEST news......Brock passed his drivers test!  He is now "street
legal"!  Go Brock!

Thanks for all the prayers and support.  I am definitely feeling the good
vibes!

Sunday, September 28, 2003 5:47 PM CDT

Hi everyone. The weekend around here has been pretty bad. On Friday we found out that Brock has a 3.7cm Wilms lesion in his head between his brain and skull. From the CT scan it did not look like it had invaded the brain, but it is putting pressure on the motor skills area, which explains the numbness in his left hand. We go back tomorrow to have an MRI done which gives a better picture of the brain to see if any more lesions are there. If not then this one can be surgically removed, then radiation done to his brain to kill any other cancer cells that may be there. If there are more, it will be radiation only. Unfortunately this also meant putting off his chemo for his chest tumor because it would delay the healing from the surgery, so his back pain and shortness of breath continues, although it doesn't seem to be any worse.

I am a wreck, as you may imagine. Lynn is holding up, as is Tessa. Brock is the real trooper here. He is taking this in stride, as he has done so many times before. I don't know where he gets his strength. Maybe he is hiding his feelings, but he sure seems to bounce back. If only I were that strong.....

Please continue to pray for us. Also, if you visit please sign the guestbook here. It is encouraging to hear from so many friends.

Love, LeeAnn

Tuesday, September 23, 2003 8:10 PM CDT

HI all. Just got back from what turned out to be an uneventful day at
clinic. Brock had an echo, which showed slightly decreased heart function,
which is not abnormal given that the tumor is pressing on his aorta and
probably his heart. We were disillusioned to hear that one of the drugs we
were offered, Valcade, is....are you ready for this.....$1800 per vial, and
he would get 4 vials a month! And, since it is not in any way proven for
Wilms, our ins would cover NONE of it!!!!!!! Purely experimental!!!!!
AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!

Anyway, what we chose do to is this......we are going back to square 1,
literally. My husband asked our onc, theoretically, if Brock showed up in
clinic as a new patient, what tx would he receive. Our onc said
Vincristine, Actinomycin, and Adriamycin. Those have all worked for Brock
in the past......the first time he was treated it was 18 months until his
relapse, his longest time cancer-free since he began this roller coaster
ride. He tolerated the first 2 meds very well, very few side effects. The
adriamycin can have cardiotoxic effects, but the form of it we will be using
this time is Doxil, a form that is coated in lyposomes (fat cells) that
makes it less toxic, more easily tolerated, and stays in the system longer
than the conventional form. Hopefully we will get some shrinkage (TOTAL
disappearance would be nice!) but at least enough to make the tumor a
non-factor as far as symptoms go. Our onc was great, very willing to listen
to us, and ultimately agreeing that these are all speculative, so we might
as well go with drugs we know have worked in the past. Also, since these
are approved tx for Wilms, our ins company will probably go along with it.

We asked about radiation, but the radiation onc said no. He has had his
limit, only IF he were to start having serious breathing problems would they
consider it, only as an emergency measure. They feel that at least some of
the tumor we are seeing is fibrous scar tissue, not all of it obviously
since it grew, but there is a risk with radiation that the fibrous part
would scatter the radiation to surrounding tissue, his heart, etc. We don't
want that if we can help it.

Well, there you have it. We start his first vincristine/actino on Friday,
outpt infusion, 21 day cycle. Next cycle will be vincristine/doxil, and we
alternate. He is adamant about not wanting a port put in, so we are going
to try it with a peripheral IV. If there are no problems we will continue
that way. Standard protocol for this tx is 24 weeks, or 6 mos. We will
evaluate every other cycle, before the doxil, to see what is going on with
his cardiac function as well as the tumor. If it is working, and he
tolerates it, we keep going. If not, we drop back 10 and punt again.
Please pray for working!!!!!

Thanks so much to everyone who has supported us. We really appreciate it!

Friday, September 19, 2003 7:31 PM CDT

Well, the checkup today wasn't as good as hoped for. The main tumor in Brock's lung has grown over the summer while he was on no meds, so now we are going to have to start some kind of treatment again. His dr gave us a few options to look over for the next few days, so we will be doing that. Brock did a great job asking questions and making his opinions known. I love that kid! In typical Brock fashion, when asked what he wanted to do, he said "well, we gotta do what we gotta do!" He is really a special person!

On a much happier note, he passed the written part of the test for his drivers license! We made a stop at the BMV before we went to Riley, and he took the test and passed with flying colors! His actual driving part of the test is scheduled for next Monday. If you're going to be on the roads after that, you might be a little more careful! Great job Brock! :)

Sunday, September 14, 2003 6:24 PM CDT

Just a quick note that new pics have been added to the photo gallery. Brock is not feeling especially well this weekend....has been battling a headache for a few days, which I am thinking may be a sign that he needs his eyes checked. I will look into that this week. A slight cough and generally feeling icky is hopefully a bug. Not much else going on, just a countdown to drivers test day! 2 weeks from tomorrow my son will be mobile....not sure I'm ready! On one hand not having to run him to student council meetings, practices, etc. will be handy, but I'm not sure the convenience will outweigh the anxiety! Of course, I'm a professional worrier, so I can probably imagine which hand will win! Next Riley visit is 9/26, so no new medical news till then. Thanks for the continued good thoughts!

Saturday, September 6, 2003 9:45 AM CDT

Sorry I am VERY behind in updating Brock's page, but thankfully it has been very quiet around here, medically. Brock goes back for scans on Sept. 26 to see if there has been any change in the tumor since he has been off all his medicines for the summer. Crossing our fingers and toes for good news on that day!

The biggest news....BROCK IS 16!!!! His birthday was August 23, and he is now anxiously awaiting the end of the 30 day waiting period so he can get his drivers license! He is really a good driver, for a 16 year old kid. He took drivers ed last Sept, so he has had a year to practice driving with Lynn and I. Still, that doesn't really make it any easier to watch your kid drive off by themselves for the first time! I am NOT looking forward to that! He has spent his summer "fixing up" his vehicle, a '92 Ford Explorer. Stereo, subs, lights....you name it, he has probably attached it to the truck somehow!

School started for us the 12th of August....NONE of us were ready! My school year is off to a rocky start....teaching a couple of new classes so I am learning right along with the kids to a certain extent. Brock is in 10th grade, Tessa in 8th. Her volleyball season started this week with a win for their first match. She is a good player, and hopefully will have much success with it. She also chose to forego cheerleading this year and try playing basketball instead. With her heart repair as a baby her distance running is limited, but she it TALL (taller than me....I am the shortest one in my house now!) so her role may be standing under the basket waiting to be passed the ball (at least that's how her dad plays!) Anyway, I am glad to see them busy and trying new things. Brock's basketball doesn't start for about a month so he is just enjoying teenage life.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. I would like to ask that you say a prayer for our friends the Barrett family. Their son Brandon, one on Brock's friends, was killed in a tragic car wreck last week. It is a pain no family should ever have to endure. So please keep Mike, Ellen, and Brittany in your thoughts as they try to deal with the loss of their son and brother.

Sunday, July 6, 2003 7:07 PM CDT

Just a quick update today.....the kids are actually CLEANING their rooms! Something must not be right! :) Anyway, we visited Riley last Friday to check out some other possible treatment options, since the oral VP16 was making Brock feel so crummy. Dr. Goldman was pleased that he had bounced back so well in the 1 1/2 weeks he had been off the medicine, so he decided to let him stay off any meds for the rest of the summer. As he put it, "if he's going to feel bad, I would rather the disease make him feel bad, not me". That made sense to all of us, since we all thought his body could use a little break. He has gained weight and his energy level is back to pretty much normal, so he is enjoying some summer. We scan again in September, and will see what is happening then. The tumor may not even grow off the chemo, we don't know, so we will wait and see. Lynn and Brock replaced our broken basketball backboard this weekend, and they have really enjoyed spending some time shooting hoops. Glad to see Brock out there going at it like normal!

Hope everyone had a good 4th of July. I am getting ready to start a 2 week summer workshop class at Ball State for my masters degree, so I will have to plug my brain back in for a few days....yuck! Brock starts back to basketball tomorrow, and Tessa's softball season continues for a couple more weeks. Hope everyone is enjoying their summer! Please sign the guest book if you stop by...we enjoy seeing your messages!

Wednesday, June 18, 2003 1:40 PM CDT

Hi. Sorry for the long dry spell between updates....nothing much going on, so I tend to let it go. Anyway, Brock had a checkup at the beginning of June, and there had been no change in the tumor. So, we were to continue on the same treatment path, with no scans scheduled till September. He is having a bit of a rough time with the oral VP16 lately though. It seems to be sapping his energy, making him feel "chemo-crappy". We are looking into a possible medicine or dose change to make him a little less crummy feeling. Summer basketball has started, and he is really distressed that he doesn't have the energy or tolerance needed to make it through the entire practices. Sharon and Dr. Goldman are looking into making some changes for him though, so we hopefully will get him straightened around and feeling better.

Otherwise it is basically softball season around here. Tessa is playing on 2 softball teams, with away games and tournaments. We have spent some interesting evenings in interesting places!

Lynn got a new truck this week, and Brock has claimed his Explorer. He turns 16 in August, so in a way I am excited for him to begin driving himself around, but on the other hand I am basically terrified! I have finally gotten somewhat used to him riding with a few of his older friends who drive, but I'm sure that's completely different than watching your own kid drive away! Wish me luck!

Thanks for checking on us. We appreciate the good thoughts!

Monday, April 7, 2003 6:24 PM CDT

Well, no change is good news as far as we are concerned! The tumor was stable today, so Brock continues his oral VP16 and rapamycin regimine. No scans for 2 months! Can Mom wait that long???? ;) Anyway, besides volleyball tournaments and softball starting, that is about all going on here. Offseason volleyball for Tessa is going well, and she is just getting ready to start practicing for 2 softball teams! Good thing we enjoy sports around here!

Thanks to everyone for the good thoughts and prayers. Keep them coming!

Wednesday, April 2, 2003 8:06 PM CST

Long time no update! :) We have been beyond busy here. Just got back from our spring break, which this year was a trip to Disney World. We went there in 1995 for Brock's Make A Wish trip, but we wanted to go one more time before the kids got too old to want to go anywhere with us! :) We went with our friends the Hughes's, and we all had a great time. A little hectic, but a lot of fun. I have added vacation photos to our album, so check them out. Brock is the dark haired kid with glasses! :)

Brock is doing ok. He had a cough the week before we left, so Dr. Goldman wanted him scanned to make sure nothing exciting was happening. Everything was status quo, no change in the tumor, no pneumonia, etc., so he gave us his blessing for our trip. The cough still seems to be hanging on, but nearly every kid at school is coughing right now. He has a checkup with scans on Monday, so we will know more then. Fingers crossed for a run of the mill virus!

Tessa's off season volleyball team has been busy too. One tournament this coming weekend, then 2 the next. Glad I like to watch volleyball!

I will update after Monday's checkup. Fingers crossed!

Sunday, March 9, 2003 7:09 PM CST

Hi all. Brock has a checkup tomorrow, no scans or anything, just a physical and bloodwork. For some reason I am very nervous tonight, don't know why. He is feeling great, getting ready to start playing high school boys volleyball. Just one of those "mom nerve" things I guess!

Otherwise things here are good. Tessa's offseason volleyball team has played in 3 tournaments and has lost only 1 match out of 12. They are ready to move up to a little higher level of competition!

Keep up the good thoughts and prayers....we really appreciate them!

Tueday, February 11, 2003 9:49 AM CST

Well, the first 28 day cycle of rapamycin/vp16 has gone well. Scans yesterday showed slight shrinkage of the tumor, as well as fading of the smaller ones in his right lung. Our oncologist was pleased, because at this small dose of vp16 the goal is to keep the tumor from growing, not necessarily to shrink it a lot all at once. We also seem to have solved the rapamycin "taste' problem....I can squirt the medicine into an empty gel cap for Brock to swallow so he doesn't have to deal with the disagreeable taste. (Thanks Julie!) So on we go for another month. One slightly un-nerving new thing is that we don't have any scans for a couple of months.....that makes my nerves a little on edge, but we'll just go with it! Keep those good thoughts coming!

Thursday, February 6, 2003 3:29 PM CST

Just a quick update. Things here are going well. Brock is feeling good, taking the oral VP16 with no problems. We are experiencing a little frustration with the rapamycin, however. The taste, according to Brock, is "like a burned bottle rocket"....sulfur, I am assuming. He is going to talk to the oncologist and research nurse on Monday to see if it is available in any other form, or if maybe he can stop taking it.

Monday is a big day, as far as this treatment plan goes. Brock has scans again, day 28 on this medicine, to see if the VP 16 is working. I will, of course, be a nervous wreck by Sunday. As long as there is stable tumor or shrinkage Brock will continue the medication. If not....we look into something else (sigh!).

So keep up the good thoughts.....we really appreciate everyone's positivity!

Thursday, January 30, 2003 at 10:05 AM (CST)

Brock and Lynn just got back from another 3 day blood drawing marathon at Riley. Things look good. His blood counts are staying up, even with the VP16. We had hoped they would...hopefully taking the chemo daily in small doses will harm his body less than the huge blasts every 3 weeks he used to get, but still kill off the tumor cells. That's the plan anyway.

Last night was the last game of the season for Brock's basketball team. He started the game ( a first!) and played well. No points, but he did have a couple of free throw chances, a foul, and 3 rebounds. At least he got in the record books for this year!

Brock will have scans again February 10 to see if the chemo is making any progress with the tumor. Keep fingers, toes, and anything else you can crossed! Thanks for checking in on us!

Saturday, January 18, 2003 at 07:07 AM (CST)

Well, this certainly was an unexpectedly pleasant week! Brock and I went to Indy Sunday evening to start his oral VP16/rapamycin on Monday. We were put up in a hotel by the hospital so we wouldn't have to travel 120+ miles 3 days in a row, plus they wanted him nearby in case of a reaction to the medicine. The hotel we stayed in was the Westin, right in the heart of downtown Indianapolis.....a VERY nice hotel. He and I enjoyed a couple of "bonding" days together, then Lynn came down on Tuesday and I came back so I could go back to school on Wednesday. He and Brock enjoyed the hotel and a little "techno" shopping....guy stuff. Anyway, a very pleasant get away.

Now the big news.....the CT scan on Monday showed that the large tumor in his left lung had decreased by about 50%!!! YAY! His oncologist attributes that to the radiation he received a few weeks ago. However, the small tumor in his right lung shrank slightly too.....and we didn't do anything to it! His left lung is also completely opened back up, and the thickening (swelling) in his chest wall is gone. VERY good news.....his oncologist was even smiling!
He started the new medicines without any problems, and as of today no side effects have shown up. Keep crossing those fingers!

The Junior Pro basketball team Brock coaches starts its playoffs today...they have done well and he is really proud of them. The high school basketball players coach the elementary kids each year....the little kids love it, so do the big kids I think! Anyway, good luck to the "Irish" today as Brock hopefully coaches them to victory! Keep those good thoughts and prayers coming!

Saturday, January 11, 2003 at 08:34 AM (CST)

HI everyone. First of all I want to say Happy Birthday to Tessa!!!!! She turned 13 yesterday, and I can't believe I now have 2 teenagers in the house! We had some problems with her birthday party....a sick guest, and weather that would not cooperate for ice skating...but we will make things up. Happy Birthday Sweetie!

Brock is doing well. He is playing basketball and doing guy stuff, including spending money on a car he doesn't even have yet! He is completely obsessed with cars now, and will be driving us crazy (no pun intended!) until he gets one this summer.

He and I will be going to Riley Monday to start his new oral chemo. We will be there all day Monday for scans and bloodwork and testing, and he will start the medicine. We will stay Monday night and he will have more testing done on Tuesday. Lynn is coming down to switch places with me on Tuesday evening, so I can come home and get back to school. They will stay Tuesday night, and he will have the last of his testing done Wednesday morning. That is as far as we have figured out. I haven't looked at the protocol well enough to know what goes on past the first few days. More bloodwork and scans I know, but not sure when. He will not be staying in the hospital for the testing, which is good. We will just spend the day at clinic B, then they have arranged a hotel room for us for the evenings. Quality bonding time for Mom and Brock!

Hope everyone had good holidays. Things went well here, including getting a very white Christmas dumped upon us! But the kids seemed to enjoy everything, and thats what I had hoped for.

I'll keep the updates coming. Thanks for all the good thoughts and prayers.

Sunday, December 15, 2002 at 10:25 AM (CST)

Hi. Well, Brock's checkup at Riley was uneventful, thankfully. The chest xray didn't really show anything exciting, but his breathing and cough are better, so we assume the radiation shrank the tumor enough to open his lung back up. His surgeon released him to play basketball (we were sneaking aroung before!) and his oncology nurse practitioner is making plans for him to start his oral VP16 chemo and rapamycin over Christmas break. All in all, a long day with very few interesting results.

Today we are off to Lynn's grandma's 90th birthday party. She is a very neat lady, and we congratulate her on a long, full life.

That's about it for now. Hope eveyone has good holidays, and be safe!

Thursday, December 12, 2002 at 10:00 AM (CST)

Hi everyone. Brock finished his radiation treatments a week ago, and has been feeling quite a bit better. His cough is pretty much gone, and his breathing and pain have been much improved. He has some slight pain when swallowing, probably a side effect of the radiation. We are headed to Riley shortly for a checkup with his oncologist and his surgeon, and to see what our next step is.

Some better news......Brock has played in 2 of his freshman basketball team games! They are having a tough season, but Brock is thrilled for the playing time. He loves basketball and being on the team, and the roar of the crowd! (ok, mostly me yelling and screaming!) Tessa is cheerleading for the 7th grade team, and getting ready for off season volleyball. Our busy schedule gets busier!

Thanks for all the prayers and support. Will let you know soon what the checkup today brings.

Thursday, November 28, 2002 at 10:35 AM (CST)

Good morning, and Happy Thanksgiving! Some news to report, not all good but not all bad. Last Friday Lynn took Brock down to Riley for what seemed like a persistant bronchitis/cold type thing. Unfortunately, the cause of the cough was the fact the his main tumor in his left lung is growing again, and pinching the main bronchus closed, giving his a cough response and shortness of breath. This was a real bummer, because this meant he was out of the Iressa trial. There is also a second, very small, tumor beginning in his right lung. So.....yesterday we were back to Riley for a meeting with the drs and nurse practitioner. The offered us a couple of immediate options. The first, and most important, is 5 focal radiation treatments to the large tumor to shrink it and get his bronchus and lung opened back up. That started yesterday, and will go through next Wednesday. Another scan a couple of weeks later will show what success we had with that. Next, Brock was offered a spot in a new clinical trial run by Riley which uses oral VP16 and another drug called rapamycin. They are both once a day pills, which Brock was willing to try. VP16 is a chemo drug that he has had before, with good response, but he had it IV last time. Orally the side effects are less, and the drug stays working in the system longer. The rapamycin is a new one for him.

All in all, we are disappointed that the Iressa did not work, but still hopeful with these other treatments. Right now our goal is to get him feeling better, get rid of his cough, and make his breathing easier. He still wants to play basketball, although for a couple of weeks at least he will probably be a bench warmer! :) Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we begin yet another journey on this road.

Tuesday, November 05, 2002 at 03:46 PM (CST)

A little late on this update, but better late than never! Brock had a 2 month CT scan last week, which showed his remaining lung tumor stable. He has been battling a nasty cold and bronchitis, however, and some "gunk" showed up in his other lung, probably (hopefully!) related to his cold. He has started basketball practice, and is pushing himself hard. Its good to see him with the energy to play ball. He is feeling well, except for the cold, and is ready to play high school basketball. Tessa's 7th grade volleyball team won the Delaware County Tourney a couple of weeks ago, and now our high school girls volleyball team plays for the class A state title on Saturday. Lots of sports going on here for us! Keep the good thoughts coming, we certainly appreciate them!

Tuesday, October 01, 2002 at 05:02 PM (CDT)

Another month has passed with Brock taking the phase 1 trial medicine Iressa, and things are going well. This month was the first month he skipped a CT scan, so of course Mom is a little nervous! He gets one in 4 weeks, though, then every other month. He looks great, feels great, and is doing very well. Conditioning for basketball season has started and he is working hard at that, lifting weights, running, and playing ball to get ready for the upcoming season. He also completed Drivers Ed last week, and has been more than happy to be our driver anytime an errand needs run. Mom and Dad, on the other hand, are gritting their teeth and bearing it! Tessa's volleyball season is winding down...just 2 more weeks till the County Tourney. Her 7th grade team is 9-1 as of now, with a match tonight that they should probably win. Thanks to everyone who continues to send good thoughts and wishes our way. I would also like to say goodbye to our little cyber-friend Lowri, another Wilms kid who became an angel since our last update. Fly free, Lowri......

Wednesday, September 04, 2002 at 10:20 AM (CDT)

Yesterday Brock had his checkup after completing the second cycle of the Iressa. The ct scan showed his tumor was "stable", so he gets to continue taking the medication. Shrinkage would have been nice, but stable is ok too! That means that at least the Iressa is not allowing the tumor to grow, so it won't cause any new problems. He also starts on a new checkup cycle, with ct scans every other month instead of every one. Makes me a little nervous, but he was thrilled. He feels great, is enjoying high school, and just started drivers ed. I am so happy to see him enjoying all the normal kid things that come with his teenage years. Keep crossing those fingers!

Friday, August 23, 2002 at 02:34 PM (CDT)

Well, today is quite a milestone at our house...Brock turns 15! After battling cancer for more than half his life, he is ready to take on the world, in the form of a drivers permit! So we are off to the license branch after school today to get him registered! Everyone wish me luck! :) Brock continues to do well on the Iressa study. His blood counts have been good, and his energy level is great! His next comprehensive checkup at Riley is September 3rd......keep you fingers crossed!

Friday, August 23, 2002 at 02:34 PM (CDT)

Well, today is quite a milestone at our house...Brock turns 15! After battling cancer for more than half his life, he is ready to take on the world, in the form of a drivers permit! So we are off to the license branch after school today to get him registered! Everyone wish me luck! :) Brock continues to do well on the Iressa study. His blood counts have been good, and his energy level is great! His next comprehensive checkup at Riley is September 3rd......keep you fingers crossed!

Friday, August 23, 2002 at 02:34 PM (CDT)

Well, today is quite a milestone at our house...Brock turns 15! After battling cancer for more than half his life, he is ready to take on the world, in the form of a drivers permit! So we are off to the license branch after school today to get him registered! Everyone wish me luck! :) Brock continues to do well on the Iressa study. His blood counts have been good, and his energy level is great! His next comprehensive checkup at Riley is September 3rd......keep you fingers crossed!

Tuesday, August 06, 2002 at 08:54 AM (CDT)

Well, good news! After a LONG day at Riley yesterday, the Iressa seems to be doing its job! The protocol states that as long as the tumor is stable or shrinking, Brock can stay on it. After reviewing his CT yesterday, the onc and radiologist called his tumor "stable disease", but in mom terms it was actually 3mm smaller! Not much, I know, but still enough to show us that the medicine is having some effect! He has begun another 28 day round of the Iressa, with another CT at the end to see the progress. Hopefully this cycle will continue! He also had an MRI yesterday which lasted almost 3 hours! That was for the surgeon to look at to evaluate the location and blood flow of the large vessels related to the tumor, so if we do go to surgery he will know more about what he is working around. Thanks for all the good thoughts! They are working...keep them up!

Saturday, August 03, 2002 at 07:26 PM (CDT)

Well, the mommy nerves are beginning to set in about Monday. I made Lynn (the Dad!) take the day off to go to Brock's day 28 checkup with us. I can't go by myself anymore....too many times we've gotten "bad" news that I was totally unprepared for! So it will probably be a family trip, and an all day one at that. Brock is in great humor, doing teenage boy stuff...running around with his friends, riding bikes, not much time for Mom and Dad anymore. :) He turns 15 August 23, and ALL we are hearing about is driving and cars! Typical teenage boy! Thanks to everyone who is "crossing" things for us....keep it up! I'll update after Brock's checkup on Monday.

Monday, July 29, 2002 at 10:29 PM (CDT)

Another checkup today at Riley, just a quick physical and blood counts. Counts were fine, as was the physical. This is day 21 of 28 of his first cycle of Iressa. Next Monday is the biggie....day 28. Extenstive testing...blood, ct scans, MRI, opthamology. Thats our "make or break" day. If the tumor is controlled OR shrinking, he gets to stay on the Iressa. If (heaven forbid) the tumor has grown, we see the surgeon for what sounds like a couple of crappy options, one involving the removal of part of his aorta. Everyone keep fingers, toes, whatever you can find crossed that this stuff if working! :)

Sunday, July 28, 2002 at 10:27 AM (CDT)

Brock finished his first year of chemo, and started periodic checkups at Riley. We were told that if he remained cancer-free for 2 years, he would be considered "cured". Well, we almost made it. At his 18 month post-chemo check, a spot was found in his left lung. Again, devastation. He had surgery to remove the spot, and found many tiny tumors all over his diaphragm. Some of them were removed, and he again started chemo, this time more heavy duty drugs involving inpatient stays. This time he really looked like a "cancer kid"...lost his hair, lost weight, felt crappy. But the chemo was working, the remaining tumors on his diaphragm disappeared, and we were hopeful once again. He also had whole lung radiation to kill off any more cancer cells it could find.

About 15 month after completing the second round of chemo, more spots appeared in his lung. More surgery, more chemo, more direct radiation to the tumor bed, and P32 (radioactive phosphorous) was inserted into the tumor area. By the end of this round, Brock was really sick. It took 6 weeks for his blood counts to bounce back (usually it takes 3 weeks), so we, along with his oncologist, stopped his treatment one dose early. He recovered in time to go to school that fall. In fact, Brock has missed almost no school for all of his treatments. We are so proud of him. He really is our Superman, a nickname given to him by the nurses at Riley, and a persona he has decided to adopt. :)

We made it about a year past the third round of chemo before the spots showed up again in his lung. Surgery to remove them this time was more difficult, because his lung was adhered to his chest wall from the radiation. Also, on of the 3 tumors was very close to his aorta, and removing it would have cost him most of his lung. So we opted to leave it in, and try to shrink it or get rid of it with chemo. Another year of chemo, which he tolerated well, and just finished in May, did not completely rid him of the remaining tumor. After much discussion of surgery, radiation, etc., we were offered a spot in a phase 1 clinical trial of a new cancer drug called Iressa, a cancer cell growth inhibitor. Only 3 kids in the country are on this study, and 2 of them are at Riley! This drug has shown promise in adult lung cancers, and this is the beginning study of the drug in kids. Brock was thrilled...no side effects, one pill a day, growing hair back, playing basketball, riding his bike...able to do all the things he loves to do. We started the study July 8, and will finish the first 28 day cycle August 5. At that time he will have extensive testing again to see if the medicine is having the desired effect on his tumor. If so, he can keep taking the medicine as long as it is keeping the tumor from growing or shrinking it. We'll keep our fingers crossed! :)

Brock is an amazing kid, as are all kids who deal with cancer. He has remained active, even participating in basketball open gyms this summer, as well as playing on the basketball team each of his 3 years in junior high school. As he prepares to enter high school in a couple of weeks, I can truly say he is our Superman!

Sunday, July 28, 2002 at 10:18 AM (CDT)

Ok, here goes. Brock's history with Wilms starts in July 1994. After a couple of weeks of sporatically having blood appear in his urine, being tested for bladder infections, t-ball injuries, etc., a large lump appeared in his lower right abdomen. After being in pain all night, we took him to our local hospital to be checked out. Our dr checked him over, then told us we needed to go home, get some clothes, and head to Indianapolis, about an hour and a half away, to Riley Hospital for Children. Something was in there, he told us, but he wasn't sure what. We did what he said, and ended up at Riley on the afternoon of July 3, 1994. After extensive testing...bloodwork, ct scans, xrays, etc., we were given the diagnosis...Wilms Tumor, pediatric kidney cancer. We were devastated. We met with Dr. Fred Rescorla, Brock's surgeon, who explained Wilms to us, and scheduled surgery for the following morning.

The next day, Brock had surgery to remove a football-sized tumor and his right kidney. Dr. Rescorla was happy with the surgery...the tumor was contained in the kidney, no lymph nodes appeared to be involved, pretty sure he removed all the tumor. We headed back up to the preschool floor for a 4 day stay to start chemo. Brock was MAD about missing the fireworks on the 4th! :)

We were told, a number of times, that "if you have to have cancer, Wilms is the one to have. A little chemo, and he will be fine". Brock began a year long outpatient chemo regimine which we did at Riley every 3 weeks. He started 1st grade on chemo, and continued throughout the school year. His teacher and fellow students were great with him, and he handled the chemo well. We were scared, but also thankful that this was an "easy" cancer to handle.

Saturday, July 27, 2002 at 09:54 AM (CDT)

Welcome to Brock's web page. We have just started this page, so more journal entries will come later! :)

Saturday, July 27, 2002 at 09:40 AM (CDT)

This page has just been created. Please check back for additional updates.

Click here to go back to the main page.

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