Journal History

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Saturday, November 25, 2006 7:56 AM CST

Hello

We had so much to be thankful for this past Thanksgiving. Our 5 beautiful, HEALTHY children continue to fill our lives with joy and keep us running 24/7.

McKenize is doing wonderful. She and Kylie are going to the 4 yr old pre-school class at our church. They love going to school more than anything. Other than minor cold's here and there you would never know that our little angel once had to fight for her life.

Our next set of scans will be in Feb 2007. Until then, we will be going to Disney World for Christmas for McKenzie's Make-A-Wish. Our princess wants to meet all the other princesses and a few super hero's :) I of course am stressing.....I have 3 weeks to get us ready for the trip, get our letters off the Santa, get all the gifts bought and wrapped for Christmas, get cards in the mail, make some handmade gifts and get them in the mail, get ready for parties at school,........okay I'm just going to stop there because it looks a lot worse in type then it did in my head.

As always, we continue to covet your prayers for McKenzie. We have faith that her cancer is gone FOREVER, but a little prayer never hurts!!!! And please remember all the other little ones who continue to fight and all the ones that this dreaded disease, cancer, has taken.

All our love,
Carol

Wednesday, June 7, 2006 3:05 PM CDT

Wow!!!

I can't believe it has been so long since I have updated McKenzie's journal.

My sweet McKenzie continues to do so good. She has been off treatment for 2 years and 3 months!! She had scans in Feb of this year and they were all clear. We are going up to Atlanta tomorrow for another set of scans on Friday. We continue to believe that our girl is cured and we most definately give all the glory to our Lord. I won't lie and say that the scans don't terrify me, but the more we get under our belt the less terrifying they are.

McKenzie and Kylie have just finished up their first year of pre-school and to say they loved it just doesn't do justice. They have grown and matured so much and I can't believe they are almost 4. Logan who will be 6 in July is also growing like a little weed. He is 2 belts away from his black belt in Tae Kwon Do. He also started T-ball this summer and loves it. Rachel just turned 15 and if your passing through Moultrie, GA watch out because she is now behind the wheel "learning"! And last but not least, Tyler, is 17 and will be a senior this year! Now that really makes me want to cry. He continues to amaze us with his piano and singing. And he is still playing tennis.

Well, that about wraps it up. My life is busy and full and I wouldn't have it any other way.

We will always covet your prayers for continued health and healing for McKenzie. For all our fellow friends, known and/or unknown, we continue to remember you in prayer. We pray for an earthly healing and above all we pray for a CURE!!!

All our love,
Carol

Saturday, September 24, 2005 6:21 PM CDT

***New Pictures in the album***


Can you believe that I have finally put a picture up of McKenzie?????? Or that I am finally updating her site??? Miracles do happen!

For those that don't know, today is McKenzie (and Kylie's) birthday!!! I cannot believe that they are 3 years old! As usual, it seems like just yesterday that they were born and yet with what we have been through in the past 3 years it also seems like it's been 30 years! Both girls are doing so good. They started "school" this year and they absolutely LOVE it (and mom LOVES a little free time to herself)! They especially love their teacher's Mrs. Jan and Miss Jessica (better know as the Wubbies). Logan just turned 5 and is loving his "big" school. Tyler is enjoying his junior year and Rachel is really liking being in high school (9th grade). Life is really good and really busy!!!

We will be going to Atlanta the end of this month for scans and Dr's visit. We are 4 months out from our last set of scans. I am confident that everything will be fine. I am confident that our little birthday girl is now and FOREVER cancer free!!! Please continue to pray with us that this is God's plan!

Thank you for your continued prayers and support. It means the world to us.

Love to all,
Carol

Wednesday, June 1, 2005 8:46 AM CDT

FINALLY!!!!!!

Sorry I didn't update last night but they were working on the caringbridge site. I am also behind on phone calls and e-mails and I apologize for that.

So.........we have perfectly CLEAR scans! The areas in the lungs that we were watching have gotten smaller and most are now undectable. It was a long day but it was worth every minute for these results. Our ortho visit went great. He doesn't see any signs of spine or hip problems at this point. He said we are definately doing the right thing by starting now to monitor her growth. He wants to see her in a year and will probably continue to do that unless problems develop sooner. We will see her oncologist in 4 months, get a chest x-ray ONLY, then do the whole scan process in 6 months. It is so wonderful (and yes still very, very scarey) to keep inching our way out of the grips of childhood cancer. The only thing is that at times our continued success is bittersweet knowing that so many other children aren't so lucky. Every failure, every bad result, every step back just chips away that much more of your heart. Whether you know that child personally or not it all feels the same. So while I am rejoicing in our wonderful news, I am also praying fervently for all the children out there who continue to battle on.....such brave, strong, courageous warriors.

Thank you everyone for continuing on this journey with us. Thank you for your prayers, your kind words in the guest book to let us know that we are in your thoughts. Whether you know it or not you are helping people (us) with this unimaginable nightmare. Please continue to pray for McKenzie's continued healing and that she remain cancer free always. Wishing for you God's blessings.

Love,
Carol

Thursday, February 17, 2005 2:48 PM CST

Things continue to run smoothly at the Fleming house. McKenzie is doing so good, you could NEVER tell that anything was ever wrong with her! We just continue to pray that it stays that way forever. Just to update you on Chandler, he was not in relapse like they thought....sound familiar???? All of his test came back negative and we just give all the glory to God for that.

McKenzie's next set of scans are at the end of May. Please continue to pray for her health and well-being and especially for all the kids out there who are fighting this terrible disease. I'm gonna close with something that I saw on another web site and thought was really nice.


The Chosen Mothers
by Erma Bombeck


Most women become a mother by accident, some by choice
and a few by habit. Did you ever wonder how mother's of
children with life threatening illnesses are chosen?

Somehow, I visualize God hovering over earth
selecting His instruments for progagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels
to make notes in a giant ledger.......

"Armstrong, Beth, son, patron saint Matthew"
Forrest, Marjorie, daughter, patron saint Cecilia"
Rutledge, Carrie, twins, partron saint Greard."

Finally, He passes a name to an angel and says, "Give
her a child with cancer." The angel is curious. "Why this
one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God, "Could I give a child with cancer
a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But, does she have patience?" asks the angel,

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will
drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and
resentment wears off, she will handle it."

"I watched her today," said God. "She has that feeling
of self-independence that is so rare and necessary in a mother.
You see, the child I'm going to give her has it's own world.
She has to make it live in her world and that's not going to be easy."

"But Lord, I don't think she believes in you," said the angel.
"No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just
enough selfishness."

The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child
occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is the woman I will bless
with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet,
but she is to be envied. She will never take anything her child does for
granted. She will never consider a single step
ordinary. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see....ignorance,
cruelty, prejudice....and allow her to rise above them."

"And what about her patron saint" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid-air.

God smiles and says..."A mirror will suffice."

Tuesday , February 1, 2005

I have an urgent prayer request. Our little buddy Chandler got some not so good scan results on Friday. There are some "nodules" on his lungs that have never shown up before.......sound familiar....... Anyway, he will be having a special test specific for his cancer in the morning. Please pray that these spots are not cancer. Please pray for clarity of the scans. Please pray for his mommy and dadddy as this is an unbelieveably scarey time. God is ultimately in control and I believe that the scans will be fine. If you want to go to his website to offer words of encouragement I'm sure they would appreciate it. www.caringbridge.org/ga/chandlerbooth

Love,
Carol

Saturday, January 15, 2005 9:13 AM CST

Well, we made it home safe and sound and tired.....It was a long day but McKenzie did so good and was just as sweet as ever. Okay onto the scans.........Once again not what we wanted to hear, I'm guessing that I may not ever hear what I want. But anyway, she has 3 distinct nodules in her lung. 2 of them look "stable" and "unchanged" from the scan 3 months ago. One of them of course looks "slightly bigger" than the previous scan. So of course we have options of what it "could be". I just love the "exact science" of medicine-HA! The radiologist said that it could just "appear" bigger from the last scan due to the cut of the CT. For those that don't know or understand CAT scans they make horizontal cross section cuts of the body and we are talking cuts that are mere millimeters . No two CT scans can "cut" that precise everytime when you are dealing with cross sections that thin. Now that is fine if you are dealing with large tumors but when you are dealing with nodules this small it gets harder. Now it could be the same areas of damage like before, or it could the start of a tumor. How do know??? How do we differeniate???? Well we don't!!! We wait "patiently" of course, and rescan in a couple of months. More than likely a benign nodule will remain "unchanged"/"stable", a malignancy will continue to grow. AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

She is also showing significant atrophy of a portion of her right kidney (the one that was exposed to the radiation). Nothing significant to worry about at this point as she shows no signs of decreased kidney functions (based on her lab work). Also, she shows some areas of "changes" in the top of her right hip bone, again due to the radiation. What does this mean? Don't quite know. I am going to request an appointment with an orthopeadic specialist on our next appt. McKenzie has 3 MAJOR things that could affect her back. They radiated a good 4 inches of her lower spine, the top portion of her right hip was in the radiation field, and when they resected her tumor he had to be so aggressive and removed almost all of that muscle in her lower right flank and around the side a little. In my limited knowledge I feel like McKenzie may be faced with some serious orth issues and/or issues of chronic pain as she coninues to grow and of course these area don't grow. One of the many lovely side effects of radiation. Well, I want to be PRO-ACTIVE in this. I don't want to wait for issues to arise, I want to PREVENT issues from arising. Can this be done? I don't know, but I want a specialist to see her now so we can begin preventive medicine. So it was just another day reminding me of just what my precious angel went through. We are always left with a bad taste in our mouth with these scans, I was "gently" (and I do use that term loosely) reminded of what my sweet angel has endured and although we have gone back to our corner for the time being (and feel extremely grateful that we can), our gloves will NEVER come off.

We continue to remember our friends who are deep in the fight, those who sit in the corner with us, and those who's gloves hang valiantly and proudly in our hearts forever! Thank you for your continued prayers.

All our love,
Carol

Monday, January 10, 2005 8:54 AM CST

I am a bad, bad website owner. I apologize for those of you that take the time to faithfully and in care check on us. McKenzie was not able to have her scans in December. Our ENTIRE household got a really bad stomach flu 2 days after Christmas. McKenzie (and Kylie) got it at the same time and spent a good day and a half throwing up (they are truely "identical", as they insisted on throwing up together EVERY time). So the day before we were going to head up to Atlanta she was still sick and I, too was also sick. They won't sedate her if she has been sick within the past 24 hours and I knew that she didn't feel well enough to spend the day in Atlanta getting tested so I called and re-scheduled her scans which are now set for this Friday. So, I promise to post results as soon as we find out. Thank you for continuing to check on us and pray for us. We appreciate it more than you will ever know.

Love,
Carol

Monday, December 6, 2004 9:52 AM CST

"Will this be our last time?"


We have once again been profoundly reminded how fragile and precious life is. Yesterday morning at 6:00am we got the "dreaded" phone call, you know the time of night that the phone rings and you know that no one should be calling you unless something is wrong. Steve's father died suddenly and unexpectedly. They (steve's mom and dad) were in Chicago for a wedding. As Steve and I spent the rest of the day trying to make sense of it all, I reminded him that we had let a blessing pass by with out recognizing it. Steve's parents had visited us a little over a month ago to spend the Halloween weekend watching their grandchildren carve their pumpkins, trick-or-treat, and make themselves sick on candy. His parents live in Texas so we don't get to see them very often. And so, at Halloween we NEVER imagined that that would be our last time with his father. We are so thankful that we were given that gift. We spent 4 days with them and many, many "I love you's" were said. You just never know if that will be the last time you see or speak to your loved one. We also find some peace in knowing that we will one day see him again. Please pray for my husband and his family at this most difficult time.

We nervously anticipate our next set of scans that are scheduled for Dec. 29th. Please continue to remember McKenzie in your prayers.

Love,
Carol

Thursday, November 25, 2004 12:18 AM CST

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!

Just wanted to let everyone know that all is well in the Fleming house. We have SO much to be thankful for today, and everyday for that fact. God has been so good to us and our prayer is that He has been as good to you.

Our next set of scans are scheduled for December 29, 2004. We look forward to starting 2005 off with a healthy, happy, and cancer free daughter.

Please keep all the children in your prayers that continue to fight their battles, all the children that have won their battles, and especially the children (and thier families) that now walk the streets of heaven.

All our love,
Carol

Wednesday, September 22, 2004 12:00 AM CDT

Although we did not get the scan results that we wanted....."all clear", we will take what we did get. The spot from August is "unchanged", 2 spots from June are "gone" and there is "nothing new". We did discuss the "what if's" and "possibilities" that these areas could be but for right now I am CHOOSING to believe that all is well and that God is in control. McKenzie remains cancer free, we had a relatively easy and safe scan procedure, we made it home safe and sound, and we got to spend some wonderful time in the loving home or our friends, the Connors. I believe not one prayer went unanswered!

We are anxiously awaiting next week as we are off to the lighthouse retreat. We are in desperate need of sun, fun, and relaxation. We are also so excited that Booths will also be going and hope that the Connors have scooted in too!!!!!

I cannot believe that my sweet girls will be 2 years old in 2 days (September 24th). Man how time flies when your havin' fun!!! Everyday we continue to feel so lucky and so blessed. We realize how fortunate we are and just how many blessings we have received, and yes, even in the midst of our cancer ordeal. I am so lucky to have such a devoted, loving, and supportive husband and father for my children. I have two great teens (yes it IS possible), and an adorable 4 year old, along with my angels. And don't think for one second that I don't squeeze my children just a little bit tighter at night and hold that kiss just a little longer (when they let me). We no longer take those things for granted. We have so many plans for these girls (and all of kids), we have so many hopes and dreams. We of course plan to have many many years with them but we also realize that for whatever reason we may not be afforded that gift, so we are going to cherish today.

And so, we will be celebrating life on Friday. Two miracles each in their own right. Of course, I am the one who will be getting the best gift!

Happy Birthday my angels,
Carol

Friday, September 17, 2004 1:08 PM CDT

Well, scan time is now upon us. We will be heading up to Atlanta this Sunday. We have scans bright and early Monday morning. We have to check in at 7:00am for a 7:30am scan. Then we have a doctors appt at 8:30am. I am kinda glad that they are so early so that we can get them done and over with, but I hope that we are able to get some results before we leave town. I haven't decided if I want to take in some shopping or get home nice and early?????? So far shopping is winning!!!! We will be staying with our most gracious friends, the Connors.

Please lift McKenzie up in prayer over the next few days. First and foremost that this scan is clear and that whatever that "spot" was be gone. Please pray for clarity of these scans. Please pray for an easy scanning process (ie; IV, sedation etc). We ask of course for travel mercies. We pray for a time of love and fellowship with the Connors, and blessings on their family. I ask that my anxiety and fear be replaced with peace.

Please continue to remember the Martin family. Carter lost his courageous battle with Ewing's sarcoma on September 12, 2004. We rejoice that Carter is now cancer free and running and playing in the streets of heaven. Also, please remember all of our other buddies; Chandler, Brandon, Catie, Mitchell, Shelby, Will, Madi, Jacob, Ashely, and Kendrie, and all of the others that we don't know.

I will update as soon as I know the results.....

All our love,
Carol

Tuesday, September 7, 2004 8:54 AM CDT

*New Pictures Added*


Well, we continue to go about our lives as usual. Only allowing at times the "cancer monster" to torment us. McKenzie is doing good. Every now and then she gets a funny cough for a couple of days and that always worries me that something is going on in her lungs. Her re-scans are fast approaching (September 20th) and while I have had a sense of peace thus far, the closer it gets the more I can feel my fear building. That relapse scare was devastating. It has now allowed me to not just imagine what it would be like but to KNOW what it would be like. It's scarey to think that they (the docs) were about 99 percent positive it was relapse. We were already discussing clinical trials. In my mind I was frantically planning how I could get my other children taken care of. Wondering how and why!? The enormous weight I felt again, truly a weight that squeezes all of the breath out of you. Finding out "accidentally" that our group of oncologist were ALREADY discussing hospice for McKenzie. HOSPICE for God's sake. That just really left me with some deep emotional scars. Thank God it turned out the way it did. I just look at how blessed we were and what a miracle we were given.

MIRACLE (mir'-e-kel) 1. an event or action unexplained by scientific law 2. an awesome or unimaginable outcome

That is the definition of miracle. We hold on tight to our miracle.

Please continue to lift McKenzie up in prayer. We pray that that this "spot" is gone! We pray for clarity of these scans. We pray like crazy that her cancer NEVER comes back. And please while you pray for McKenzie, please remember all our friends. Please pray for Carter as he is fighting so courageously. He is at the end. We pray for God's mercy. (www.caringbridge.org/ga/cartermartin).

Also remember; Chandler, Brandon, Catie, Madi, Will, Kendrie, Mitchell, Shelby, Ashely, Jacob. And all the others.

Love,
Carol

Tuesday, August 10, 2004 6:58 AM CDT

Well, we didn't get the scan results that we wanted. All the nodules from the last scan in June look the same if not better. BUT.....she has one new nodule that was not on the previous scan. It is very small at this point. Dr. George discussed with me in great detail many things that this could be. Yes, it could be tumor. It could also be part of the same nodules that were there in June and it was just missed in the CT scan. Being so small, it is very possible that it was missed. So, where does that leave us? There is not much that we can really do right now but wait. And God only knows that I am NOT very good at that. But as of now, it is too small to even try to biopsy and considering what she went through two months ago I can't imagine putting her through that again with the great chance that the surgeon couldn't even find this nodule. It is unanimous that we should wait at least 6-8 weeks and re-scan. Any sooner would most likely not give us the definitive answers we need and thus we are subjecting McKenzie to unnecessary scans. My biggest question to Dr. George was this, "If we knew now, today, that this was tumor and waited 6 weeks, would that affect McKenzie's prognosis, chances of beating this cancer (again), disease progression, treatment protocol? His answer was, "No". Okay, so there was my answer, and now....we wait. Oh, these scans are becoming absolutely unbearable.

On a brighter note, our stay with the Connors (www.caringbridge.org/ga/brandonconnor) was absolutely wonderful. Kristin is so wonderfully caring, compassionate, and giving. Words simply cannot express my gratitude. And I know that McKenzie felt right at home as the Connor home is as wild and crazy as the Fleming home! You wouldn't want it any other way!

So, please keep those prayers for McKenzie coming. Please pray that this spot is nothing new, that it is not tumor, and that it all resolves on it's own. Please pray for clarity on our scans in 6 weeks (September 20th). This "gray area" is just maddening and we would really just like to know one way or another. In the world of cancer, waiting is most definitely the devil's advocate, and unfortunately it's what you do the most of (aside from worrying).

Please also remember the Martin and Prescott families in your prayers. Their little ones continue to fight with such tenacity. And all the children and their families who are somewhere along this journey. Please pray for blessings on the Connor family.

Love,
Carol

Tuesday, August 3, 2004 3:26 PM CDT

Just wanted to remind those of you who still check up on McKenzie that we will be going to Atlanta this coming Sunday for scans on Monday. Believe it or not, I am not to freaked out.....YET. We are going to be staying with the Connors so I am really looking forward to that. If anyone can lift your spirits and keep you focused on the the positive it's Kristin. Please keep us in your prayers. Pray for clear scans, safe and easy sedation process, safe travel and just anything else you want to throw in there.

I'd also like to ask for prayers for some families who are really in dire times. Their brave little ones are fighting hard and some are at the end of their journeys. Please pray for Quincy, Carter, and Shelby. Also please remember our other friends who are also somewhere along this journey; Brandon, Connor, Ashely, Jacob, Catie, Chandler, Mitchell, and Will. And all the others out there that I don't know.

Love,
Carol

Thursday, July 15, 2004 8:13 AM CDT

Sorry it has been so long between updates, our computer had/has some sort of virus and I have been working on trying to get it fixed, albeit with minimal success. It is so frustrating.

So, McKenzie continues to heal from her surgery. Her incision is completely healed over and the girl has wasted no time in hitting the swimming pool. We have taught and encouraged her to jump to us from the side. At first she was very reluctant but now that is all she wants to do. We have created a monster and we now question ourselves as to why we ever started that. Anyway, we are trying to slowly put this past ordeal in a deep, quiet resting place. I know that I will never be able to get rid of it so to speak, so I am content to at least put it far away and praying never to have recall it again. I know I have talked about it before in past journal's but this new chapter in our journey has proven to be much harder (if that is even possible) emotionally than when she was on treatment. I realize that I can't live in fear everyday that her cancer will come back. I guess one of the best analogy's I can think of is one of my favorite Eagle's songs.....You can check out anytime you like but you can never leave. That pretty much sums it up. This will always be with us and I know that I will always worry that this monster will return. Hopefully and the years come and go it will ease up, I can only pray.

She is scheduled for another set of scans on August 9th, God help me. They wanted to do it a little earlier just to be on the safe side. It was only 2 months ago that she had her last set. Please continue to pray for our sweet little McKenzie. Please pray that these scans are clear. Pray for her continued healing and that her cancer never. It is my prayer that God continue to open my eyes to the lessons at hand. I pray that I am on the right "path", especially where my family is concerned. Please also pray for all of our friends the one's we know and the one's we don't. As you come to learn everyone on this journey is your dearest friend. Please pray for Chandler, Brandon, Carter, Rachel, Lindsay, Catie, Jacob, Ashley, Mitchell, Will, Skylar, Devansh and especially Quincy who is at the end of her brave journey. (and anyone I forgot)

Love,
Carol

Monday, June 21, 2004 8:41 AM CDT

*****New Pictures Added*******


Okay, Okay, so sorry for the delay. Where to start.....First I guess I could summize these past 2 weeks as literally the BEST and WORST weeks of my life. The worst goes without saying, but the best part has a lot to it which I will get to momentarily. She had her surgery on Wednesday and bless her little heart. When she got up to the room she was fighting like crazy. I know that she had to be in a lot of pain and boy was she PISSED. She wanted all the tubes and crap off of her and she just couldn't get comfortable. We finally had to just sedate her with some benadryl so we could manage her. We pretty much kept her sedated the rest of the night. By the next morning my little fighter was trying to sit up and would do so for a couple of minutes at a time all day. Dr. Brand came in about 5:30 that evening and pulled her chest tube and said that if she does okay through the night we could go home the next day. We were fully expecting her to have to stay at least through Sunday and even longer if they had to start chemo so needless to say we were thrilled at the prospect of going home on Friday. So let me back up a couple of hours to around 2:00, Steve and I were staning out in the hall talking to friends we had met and Dr. George walks up. We had been waiting ALL day for some word about the pathology so Steve asked him if he had heard anything yet. He looked at Steve like he had 3 heads and said "you don't know yet". So in a split second we had to prepare to either crumble to floor or jump through the roof (not a good feeling). He said that Dr. Brand (our surgeon) had just called him and told him that it was NEGATIVE. Oh my god, I wished you all could have been there. Talk about surreal. I still think that the news is trying to take hold of my brain and kick the other news from last week out. I have never felt a miracle more powerful than this one. So, what was it????? The pathology report says.....NO MALIGNANCY IDENTIFIED. Benign reactive lymph node identified. Lung parenchyma with an alelectatic area. No malignancy is seen.

So, in a nut shell it was probably areas of "damage" from a prior infectious process. I tell you, when we were in Boston and she got RSV and was so sick, it took MONTHS before her lungs sounded normal. It all really does correlate from her illness and symptoms to this diagnosis. I just can't begin to tell you how relieved we are. I just hate that she had to go back through this. They even went as far as putting back in her central line while she was in surgery. Thank goodness that was an easy reversal, they just pulled it out about 15 minutes before we left the hospital.

I just wanted to "quickly" mention some of the other BEST things that came out of this. First, I am deeply touched beyond belief by all the prayer and support that came out of the wood works when this started. It was like we were just swarmed and engulfed with love, care, and concern. It is a wonderful feeling. All the guestbook entries....I just cried and cried as I read them each time. And also, while we were in Atlanta, Steve and I were blessed with some new friends. God without a doubt eased our burdens during this. We got to meet Kristen Connor, who's son was also given a miracle when he beat neuroblastoma (please read about his journey at www.caringbridge.org/ga/brandonconnor). Kristen is an amazing person. She and some of her friends rallied around Steve and I while we were there and there was nothing that Steve and I needed or wanted for. She arranged for meals around the clock, people opening up their homes to us anytime, offers of relief for us in the hospital, but most of all, unconditional love and support. I tell you, we would have NEVER chosen this path, but because we are here we have been given insight into the goodness in humanity. We get to see the other versions of the headline news everyday.....about all the good stuff that happens in the world, all the good people that are out there, the people that are so giving and generous of themselves. What blessings we have been given through this journey. Blessings we would have never been so fortunate to see.

I also want to thank Rhonda Dunn for keeping and loving our little buddy while we were gone. I want to thank Jane Hennessy for lunch, Terri Eden for the homemade bread and toys for McKenzie, Amy for the delicious bagel, muffins, and coffee, and of course to Kristen, for the amazing and caring person you are.

Okay, I'll stop now as this is probably too long as it is. I will update soon with more from this experience and what is next for us. Until then, please continue your prayers of healing for McKenzie.

Love,
Carol

Thursday, June 17, 2004 2:42 PM CDT

I only have a minute but I absolutely COULD NOT share the MIRACLE we just got about 10 minutes ago. IT IS NOT CANCER!!!! I gotta say it again......HER CANCER IS NOT BACK!!!! I will update with the whole story soon. But once again McKenzie has been given the precious miracle of healing. I cannot even begin to thank each and everyone of you who have stormed heaven's gate with our desperate prayer requests. There is no way you can doubt for one second that our Lord above hears each and every prayer and He is so mericful! I have to run, I have a Man to speak to and I don't even know where to begin!

The happiest and most grateful person alive,
Carol

Tuesday, June 15, 2004 8:30 PM CDT

Here I sit at the Ronald McDonald House in Atlanta on the eve of the day that once again my precious daughters life will hang in the balance. These past few days have been NOTHING short of pure hell. My thoughts are completely random, they are realistic, unrealistic, calm, freaked, sad, scared, unsure, total denial, MAD. But through these past few days my thoughts have been changing course so to speak. Don't get me wrong, about every other second I BEG God to spare her of this relapse, I beg God to spare her of any further suffering, I BEG God to spare her life.

Once again, I am being taught (gently (HA) reminded) that I am not in control. Now I have yet to have a profound revelation that has come to me via a bright light or something of the sorts but I feel God's pull in a different direction, don't ask which way because I really don't know yet. I am struggling, I am drowning here with this and sense it just DOES NOT MAKE! But what I am struggling with are my thoughts....because I have asked, I have asked and prayed like never before that her cancer never return, then why God, why would it? I am beginning to understand where my breakdown has occured. I (we) tend to think that life should be fair because God is fair. But God is not life. And if I confuse God with the physical reality of life---by expecting constant good health then I am probably setting my self up for constant disappointment. I can't tell you how many times I say about our life, McKenzie's life, all of the other little angels out there fighting for their life, how UNFAIR this is. It is just not fair (and yes that was as whiney as I could get it). So I am having to learn to distinguish between what life is handing me and what God is doing in me. Letting go of my wants and desires and letting God have His way is a lifelong struggle. I want control. I want to pick and choose my blessings. Don't we all? Well, this is where I am right now on the verge of "losing control AGAIN".

So just for tonight and to get us through tomorrow I am not running out ahead of God by trying to deal with all the endless negative possibilities facing us ahead. I am holding onto:

the Bible verse Ephesians 3:20 which speaks of our God "who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine"


"God does not give you more than you can handle"

Hmmmmm.....I believe that there are trials like this one that come into our lives that ARE more than we can bear on our own, but Philippians 4:13 tells me "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"


Please pray for the safety of our baby. Her surgery time is scheduled for 10:15am in the morning. We have to be there around 8:15 and the surgery should take 2-21/2 hours. Please pray for the hands of our surgeon Dr. Brand, that God will guide his hands directly to the "spot" on her lungs and that he will be able to get an adequate piece of tissue for an affrimitive diagnosis.
Please continue to pray for the works going on inside me and that I ultimately surrender to God's will. Please pray for Tyler, Rachel, Logan, and Kylie. God I miss them so so much. My heart breaks and longs to be with each and everyone of them. This is sooooooo hard. Please pray for strength for Steve and I so that we can help each other to help our children through this once again.

I will try to update after she gets out of surgery and as soon as we get any pathology.

Please pray,
Carol

Thursday, June 10, 2004 12:54 AM CDT

I am still in a numb disbelief that this is all happening. If it could even be possible (and it is), I think that this is more devastating/frightening/unbelieveable than when she was first diagnosed. I know that I have mentioned in journal's in the past that with relapsed rhabdomyosarcoma, her prognosis is not good. Of course only God knows the true prognosis, but the numbers are scarey just the same.

We FINALLY have a date scheduled. The surgeon's office called this morning and we have to be in Atlanta Monday morning for all of her pre-op. We have to meet with the surgeon, the anesthesiologist, get blood work, and so on and so forth. She is scheduled for surgery on Wednesday the 16th at 8:30. We were told to expect her to be in the hospital at least 4-5 days. In talking with her oncologist he did give a very slight glimmer of hope that this could be something other than cancer and God am I holding onto that hope. Although I am a realist (and sometimes a very good pessimist), I am prepared (not really) for the worst. Oh, our prayer request are many and once again I feel the love, support, and prayers building underneath and beside us to help carry us through this daunting valley that seems to lie ahead.

1. First and foremost pray that this is not the return of her cancer.
2. If it is that it has not metastized to any other area in her body, particulary the bone and bone marrow.
3. Strength for Steve and I
4. Pray for McKenzie's saftey during surgery and for all the doctors and nurses that will hold her life in their hands.
4. Wisdom and discernment for her entire medical team so that they can find the best possible treatment out there to cure her once and for all.
5. Tyler and Rachel, as they do not know yet. They will be home next Friday at which time I will tell them.
6. Logan and Kylie, for comfort and peace while we are away from them and for the wonderful people who are caring for them while we are gone.
7. For peace for the unknown that lies ahead.
8. And last but not least, that we are able to accept God's will for McKenzie's life, whatever that may be.

Thank you again for your love and support and for everyone's kind words in the guest book. As I have said before, you will never know how much those messages mean when you are literally at the end of the rope of despair.

I will update as soon as possible when she is out of surgery.

In His mercy,
Carol

Friday, June 4, 2004 7:24 PM CDT

Our sweet, sweet angel McKenzie, has relapsed. She has 10-15 (he stopped counting) nodules in both of her lungs. We are completely and totally DEVASTATED! We are in the process of formulating a plan of where we go from here. I will update in the next couple of days.

We need a miracle for little girl. Pray like you've never prayed before.

Carol

Thursday, June 3, 2004 8:16 AM CDT

Well, we are off to Atlanta in a couple of hours. We have to be there so early in the morning and we live 3 1/2 hours away so McKenzie and I are gonna go spend the night. I think we will do some shopping and have a nice dinner. Maybe a few hours of distraction for me!?!?!?

Please lift McKenize up for clear scans. She still has to be completely sedated so also pray for her safety there as well. The one and only down side to not having that central line is that now she has to get stuck with an IV so we pray that that will be an easy process for her (and the nurse :)). I also ask for prayers for safe travel to and from Atlanta. I will update when I get the results. I usually beg, plead, gravel, whatever it takes for them to call and get prelimanary results before I leave the office. Here's hoping!!!! I pray for God's blessings on you, and thank you for continuing to care for McKenzie.

Carol

Saturday, May 15, 2004 4:03 PM CDT

Hello to those who might continue to stop by and check on us. McKenzie is doing so good. She is growing by leaps and bounds and just brings us so much joy. Other than that we are just busy, busy, busy. Only 5 more days of school left....I can't believe how fast this year has gone by. Rachel turned 13 yesterday. I now have TWO teenagers in the house! We have been celebrating her birthday all weekend. I have been hosting about 13 teens since Friday and finished off with a BBQ and swimming party today. Oh, I'm tired but we are making memories to last a lifetime!!! Steve and I are also celebrating our anniversary tomorrow, another one of the days that God truely blessed my life.

We continue to covet your prayers for our family. I don't think that we will ever stop needing them. It is quickly approaching "scan time". The ever dreaded scans. They are such a necessary evil. You want them so bad but dread them just as much. I already feel my anxiety building. But our faith remains strong, as does our precious little girl! So keep us in your prayers for June 4th!

I also request prayers for a family on our rhabdo listserv. They lost their son, Suryan, to this UNFORGIVING, frickin monster. He was only 21 years old and he loved life like no other. He fought for so long and fought to the very end. He earned his much deserved wings Thursday, May 13th.

All our love,
Carol

Tuesday, April 13, 2004 6:42 AM CDT

***New Pictures***


Hello to all,

I hope this finds everyone well. We had a wonderful Easter. The girls were so cute on their little Easter egg hunts. It took them about 2 seconds to get the hang of it. McKenzie was a crack up, she insisted on trying (and succeeding) on picking up 4 eggs at one time...everytime. It would take her about 5 minutes to manuever all those eggs but she was determined.

She continues to heal from her harrowing ordeal. Mom continues to fight fear constantly. Any little thing that goes wrong with her sends my thoughts to crazy land. I keep waiting for it to get better (fear wise) and it seems to get worse. She is really approching the "critical time" for relapse. I'm on a Rhabdo listserv and this disease is just so unforgiving. It has claimed 2 young lives within this past month and there are 8 people that I know who are fighting, and I mean FIGHTING, relapse. I know that mentally this is not a good place for me to be right now but once you get "involved" in these peoples lives it is hard to just walk away. You so want to "fight" it out with them and see the outcome be good just to prove one time that this monster can be beat. So, if you could, continue to remember all of these people in prayer, who continue on in the battle for their lives.

I probably will not update much more after this. We want to kind of close out this journal at some point. I am planning on printing this entire journal out and having it bound into a beautiful book. My intention is to give it to McKenzie one day, maybe when she marries, maybe on the day that she experiences to joy of giving birth to her baby. Anyway, one day that will most deserving of this journey of hers. One day that will prove to her God's special plan for her life.

So, I have a special favor. If you could please just be sure to sign our guest book one last time and leave any wishes, hopes, or thoughts for McKenzie or our family for the future. Words of wisdom or a special prayer, heck even a funny joke, we would really appreciate it. Our hearts will be forever grateful to all you who have walked us through this journey. And although this journal may someday cease to exsist, please continue to remember McKenzie in your prayers always.

With gratitude,
Carol

Monday, March 22, 2004 10:49 AM CST

What about Bob?


If you haven't seen the show What about Bob? I highly recommend it. It is one of our all time favorites. Bob (Bill Murray) is a highly phobic, neurotic, medical nut-case!! He is hilarious! Anyway, at his first meeting with Dr. Marvin, Bob goes into great detail about all that plagues him. The list goes on and on and on. He ends by faking a heart attack. Dr. Marvin, with great interest asks, "Why are you doing that?", and Bob responds, "Well, if I fake it, then I don't have it".

I found myself wanting to "fake" McKenzie's relapse in my mind today. As crazy as that may sound I felt like "Bob". If I fake it happening, then it won't really happen. I continue to navigate through this new chapter in our lives, letting my mind go where it needs to because it does no good to fight it. There are many days when her cancer never even crosses my mind and then there are other days when it just doesn't seem to ever leave my mind. Maybe a nice balance of the two is soon to come. Through it all I still ponder what it all has meant, the life lessons that I have and continue to learn. I am so thankful for where I am now in regards to what I was even just 5 years ago but I know that I have many, many more "lessons" to learn. I pray earnestly that God open my mind and my heart to the "lessons" ahead. I have caught myself actually noticing with thanksgiving the little things in life, in this world. I tell you 5-10 years ago I would have NEVER noticed, heck a year ago I would have never noticed. About a week ago I opened the back door when a cool gentle breeze hit me in the face. The air smelled like pine and all of the trees are in bloom. Our neighborhood was calm and quite but filling the air were birds chirping. It was all you could hear (if only you just stop to listen) and it was like a symphony, a symphony of life. I had NEVER been more thankful for my own life, my own well-being than on this day. Things that I have taken for granted never cease to amaze now.

Sweet McKenzie continues to come into her own. We see her healing daily. Our children fill our life with such joy. Tyler and Rachel are busy with tennis, piano lessons, church and mission activities, arguing with their mother and of course their ever-so-important social life. Logan continues to keep us in stitches with his comical views on life....oh, the mind of a 4 year old. And little Kylie Grace, keeping her parents on their toes and basically just running the roost! Life is good, life is so good.

All our love,
Carol

Thursday, March 11, 2004 1:09 AM CST

The scans were........ALL CLEAR!!!!!!!!

Sorry for the delay in updating but my children insist upon me running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Her scan process went off without a hitch and her check up was good. As for the mom, I feel like I will be committed to the anxiety looney bin before it is all said and done. Those scans are really almost unbearable. I did have a long conservation with Dr. George about relapse, prognosis, and what we might "see" if it ever came back. He said her prognosis is around 70% for long term cancer free survival. Not really good enoungh for me but I realize that it is better than some other types of cancer out there. And my long conservation with God gave better statistics, He gave me 100% for long term cancer free survival. I think I'll go with God's numbers. He (back to Dr. George) also said that "most" reoccurences happen in the first year off treatment and with her cancer it will happen either locally (the same spot) or the lungs, although it can pop up anywhere. Her symptoms would be the same, a mass, or in case of lung, she might have some respiratory issues like a cough, shortness of breath, etc. Basically, aggressive symptoms, which is par for the course with her type of cancer. Okay, so now that I have all that under my belt, maybe I can stop being so paranoid (yeah right).

So, our lives are slowly but surely getting back to some order of normal chaos. McKenzie is in fine form. He hair is coming in so thick and I think that she just really feels better. Sometimes there just aren't words to describe the joy that fills our hearts as we watch her grow. She has such depth to her soul and such a seriousness to her but just the same she has this little prankster side to her. She is really very comical. This amazing expressive side to her is just blooming. Beyond the fighting for all the toys (already), I am really beginning to see the bond between her and Kylie developing. I wished I could record them when they get into a real belly laugh with each other or Logan and play it for you here, it just really transends the word "joy". It makes all this hard work worth it. Here lately I find myself looking at her as just a normal child. I didn't realize that I wasn't looking at her like that until she came off treatment. Before, I guess I only saw her as a "child with cancer" when in fact that was only about 10% of who she really was/is. But during it all it just felt like it was 90% of who she really was. Like that saying goes "I have cancer but cancer doesn't have me". She is way more than just a "child with(out) cancer", and I continue to hold strong to the fact that she is destined for something really big, really special.

We continue to covet your prayers for continued healing for her little body. Also prayers that this cancer is gone and NEVER to return. I ask for prayers for the continued (emotional/mental) healing of our family. Sometimes wounds surface that I didn't realize I had or feel wounds that I don't even know yet. The healing process goes way deeper than just the physical level. Thankfully, McKenzie is so young and all she knows to do/needs to do is heal physically. That is way beyond enough for her. As for now....we are enjoying life, having fun, taking one day at a time, remembering not to take ANYTHING for granted, loving our children, and thanking our wonderful Lord above for it all.

Because of Him,
Carol

Saturday, February 28, 2004 3:32 PM CST

Things are going great here on the home front. McKenzie has recently gotten over some sort of upper resp. virus (again). The best part of it was the night she started running fever we immediately called the oncology doctor on call and he told us to just call our peditrician. He said McKenzie was just like our other children and didn't need to be under the service of the oncologist for general illnesses. I ended up having to take her to the doctor because at one point her temp got up to 104.6 (YIKES). But she is better now and over the infection.

Well, we will officially begin our follow up care this Monday. We are scheduled for scans and check up. She will still need to be sedated for the scans and from here on out they will have to put an IV in her since she no longer has her central line. I'm not looking forward to that part but am so glad the line is gone. We will be seeing our oncologist that afternoon so hopefully he will have preliminary results. This part is really very scarey! I told Steve that I'm not too worried about this set of scans. It will be the ones later on that will probably be more scarey. The longer she is off treatment the scarier it gets. This is a sneaky, nasty, aggressive cancer. She will be scanned every 3 months for the first year.

Please coninue to lift McKenzie up to our Lord. Please pray that the awful treatment that that precious baby endured for over a year did what it was suppose to. Please pray that there is not one single cancer cell left in her body and that it NEVER EVER comes back. Please pray for healing and strength for her body, and that God continue to rest His hands firmly over her body. I also ask for prayers for our family as we begin our healing from this unimaginable experience. It is my prayers that each and everyone us have grown closer to God and that He continue to lead us to carry out His will. I also pray that we may continue to see our "path" that has been made straight, even when at times, it may appear to curve, veer off, or even dead end.

I will update with the results as soon as we know.

All our love,
Carol

Friday, February 13, 2004 9:20 AM CST

****New Pictures added*******



When I was a little girl, I have to admit that I was a BIG scaredy cat. Well, in the past week, I have regressed to my scaredy cat days. As a kid, your room was the greatest and safest place to be until nighttime. Once the sun goes down, out come the boogey monsters. They are under your bed, they hide in your closet, they even stand over your bed if you keep your eyes open long enough. As soon as the lights come on....there gone. You look and theres nothing under the bed, nothing in the closet. You hesitantly crawl back into bed knowing that as soon as the lights go off the fear comes right back. You never feel 100% safe. Well, that is how I feel now about McKenzie's off treatment status. During the day (when the lights are on), everything is okay. Her "boogey" monster is no where to be found, but once nighttime is here and the lights are off, here "boogey" monster is out in full force. That is when my fears of it coming back over take my sense (and faith) of knowing that it is really gone. It's when your imagination just gets out of control, just like when you were a little kid. No matter how many times you tell yourself that there are no "boogey" monsters, the fear is VERY real. Just like I tell myself that her cancer is gone, the fear of relapse is ever lurking and nighttime seems to be the worse time. Will this fear ever go away? Probably not. But hopefully as each month passes so will the intensity of the fear. Every step of this journey is a new process, a new learning curve. And so, I continue, and as I know from the past, God is "leading" me to deeper depths of faith, and I have to keep reminding myself to let Him lead, to stop trying to "take" back what I have "given" to Him.

So, we went to Atlanta on Tuesday for what was suppose to be her "pre-op" visit for her central line removal next week. We had appts with anesthesia in the morning and then an appt with the surgeon that afternoon. So we got our morning appt done and went to the appt. with the surgeon which was suppose to to be at 2:00pm. We finally got back to a room at 3:15pm. Once again, we wait to wait. The nurse comes in and asks me if we are here just to get her line removed and dumbfoundly I look at her and answer "yes". She explains that they usually just do those at the GI lab under light sedation as opposed to the OR under general anesthesia. I say that works for me. Then she says BUT a lot of times we can just pull them out right here in the office. Okay, now with an even more dumbfounded look. She says let me go get Dr. Brand. Long story short, within 5 SECONDS, yes seconds, her central line was out and lying on the table. So, I ask, why in the world was my daughter about to be taken to the OR, put to sleep, for something you just did in 5 seconds?????? Now he looks dumbfounded!!!! I never got an answer, but I am just happy that it is out, no surgery, and we are really, really done. Oh, and by the way, she had her first bath and it was the most wonderful thing!!! She LOVED it!!

And so the next chapter begins........

All our love,
Carol

Monday, February 9, 2004 11:19 AM CST

My sweet, sweet angel is OFFICIALLY done with her treatment!

Dear God, I never thought this day would get here. Bless her sweet little soul. I owe her complete healing to you! You have carried her so gently through this past year and you have brought people to us by the hundreds to help carry our family through. You promised that by trusting you our path will be been made straight and it was. My heart is over-flowing with joy, with gratitude, with thanksgiving. My blessings are too many to count. I cannot begin to thank each and everyone of you who have so faithfully followed our journey. Those that have offered such compasionate words of care and love, words of faith and encouragement. For all of my dearest friends who have so selflessly cared for all of my children at one time or another during this past year (Rhonda, DeAnna, Celina, Anjee, Phyllis, Suzanne), and for all of you who have so graciously offered your help. Thank you to those who brought meals to nourish and physically sustain our family and to help lift that burden. And especially for every single pray that was said for McKenzie and our family. I give to all of you part of this glory, for it is because of your prayers and your faithfullness, that we have made it this far. The guest book entries that have been forever placed in this journal will be cherished by me and one day McKenzie. There have been days that those entries have literally carried me through.

I now know what it must feel like for the winner of those big marathons. You know the moment that, with arms extended up high in the air, you reach the finish line. Your body breaks through the tape. You finished. You survived. All the hard work and training paid off. You want to cry, scream, laugh, jump for joy. Every cell in your body is exhausted and worn, every muscle aches. But how sweet it is! You get to CELEBRATE. YOU HAVE WON!!!!!

Well, we have indeed won. But we have won more than just our battle with cancer....our "marathon". We have won the gift of knowing that our God is faithful and that he loves us more than anything. We have rekindled old friendships, we have deepened existing friendships, and we have made new friendships. We have been given a chance to really appreciate what is important in our lives.

I ask please that you continue to remember our sweet little McKenzie is your prayers. Prayers that this monster will NEVER come back. Prayers that the chemo and radiation did not damage any other parts of her body. Prayers that she will not have any long term side effects from the chemo and radiation. Prayers for a long and healthy life. And although today marks the end of our treatment, please remember those in which today begins their treatment. Those who, today, are smack dab in the middle of their treatment, and especially for those who, in spite of treatment, did not win their "marathon". God bless you, God bless us all.

The happiest and luckiest mom in world,
Carol

p.s. Her LAST treatment was at 9:00am this morning, they will be getting on the plane at 4:00, and I will be going to get them in Tallahassee at 9:30 tonight.

Wednesday, February 4, 2004 9:31 AM CST

I guess that Kylie is really trying to "help" her sister through.....As you remember, the week before last week, besides the RSV that McKenzie had, she also got a pretty nasty stomach virus, the WHOLE nine yards! Well, I guess Kylie has gotten a "sympathy" stomach virus! Bless her heart, she has been dealing with this "bug" for 5 days now. Just when I think it has finally ended, bam..she pukes. McKenzie on the other hand is in rare form. Steve says that she is happy and feels great. She is sailing through her radiation treatments, only 3 more to go!!! The other good news is, is that her treamtments have now been moved to the morning. My friend Ellen, who has been taking such good care of us in Boston told her husband, who works at the Harvard Business School, about the situation. Well, he has a collegue/friend there who is also friends with the CEO of Mass General. Long story short, a little letter was sent to the CEO about McKenzie's schedule and after looking into the matter it was quickly changed. Man it's nice to know people who "know people". Well, at least McKenzie's last week she won't have to suffer through starvation as much, and even better, none of the other children in the future will have to go through that ridiculous schedule. McKenize, our little trend setter!

I am getting more anxious for all of this to be over. They will be coming home next Monday, and then we get to go get that central line out. For those of you that don't know, McKenzie has not been able to have a real bath since she was 3 months old. She still gets her baths in the sink and has never been fully immersed in water. She LONGS to take a bath. It's really quite sad, she hangs over the bath tub when Kylie and Logan take a bath and splashes her little hand. Every once in a while I catch her trying to hike her leg over and get in. I told Steve, once we get home and that little incision site heals she is going to take about a 10 hour bath. It will take her a week to not look like a prune!

We ask that you continue to lift McKenzie up for protection from infection and for complete and total healing. Also for safe travel next week when they will be coming home to their most anxious and excited family. I pray that God continue to open my eyes and my heart to this experience. I pray that McKenzie's journey continues to touch and enrich the lives of everyone who reads about it.

Love,
Carol

Friday, January 30, 2004 10:58 AM CST

This week has been a strange mixture of pure joy at being home and a sense of uneasiness at not being with McKenzie. I have no doubts that she is fine and as a matter fact, she IS fine, but I sometimes have that feeling like I am suppose to be doing something else. But as always, I know I am exactly where I am "suppose" to be. McKenzie continues to get stronger everyday. She is just about over everything that she had, and Steve says that she feels good and is happy. She is without a doubt the most amazing thing that I have ever seen. She is so smart and I can see how she is learning our world everyday. I cannot wait until she can come home and be re-united with Kylie and the others. I am so excited about the upcoming weeks. To be so close to the end...to be so close to her complete healing...God has been so faithful and so gracious.
I don't think I really realized how our prayers were answered about this proton beam radiation until Wednesday night at church. Our pastor handed out an article that was written about the whole process with proton beam. The article titled, "At MGH, striking a critical balance....Tough calls as doctors ration proton therapy". In a sense the whole article basically stressed how hard it is to get accepted for proton therapy. "Two years old and strectched to capacity, the $50 million machine at Mass General dramatically embodies the conflict at the heart of modern high-tech medicine: The device is powerfully effective, but so costly and rare that the hospital is forced to ration its availability". The gatekeepers as they (the doctors) were referred to, estimate that they turn away about 1/3 of pediatric applicants. And God just lay it in our path, it was that simple.
Today, I am counting my many blessings. The thoughts of ending this whole cancer treatment for McKenzie, getting her central line removed (scheduled for Feb 17th, this day cannot get here fast enough), looking at the world through the eyes of our 3 yr old, Logan, who sees the joy in everything, looking at the world through the eyes of our son Tyler, who will be 15 tomorrow. My life is literally stretched from one end to the other with a mix of everything in between. Thinking that I gave birth to Tyler almost 15 yrs ago, and knowing that tomorrow I will accompany him to the state patrol office to help him with the next step in his "joruney" of life, to "let go" of him just a little bit more.....he gets his learners permit. This is what life is all about. The joys, the fears, the excitement, the saddness, the unknown, and of course the trials that enable us to see it all. I pray that God continues to leave His mark in the memories of my life. How sweet they are.

Carol

Friday, January 23, 2004 7:37 PM CST

We are out of the hospital, praise God, but I wished that I could say McKenzie was completely well. We got out on Wednesday and that evening she started throwing up and had diarrhea. We ended up cancelling her treatment yesterday to let her rest and recover. Today started out pretty good and she seemed to be on the mend. We were able to get treatment today but she has basically felt like crap. She has NO energy, she still has a slight cough and her lungs still sound pretty junkie. I am hoping that the weekend will bring her much needed rest and healing. I am giving her breathing treatments around the clock still and praying that they will help to clear out this infection. This past week has been an utter nightmare. I think that it has been worse than the last year put together. She has done so well and it just devastating to see her get so sick in our last weeks of treatment. I have been extremely spoiled with her good health but once again I am reminded of how each passing day has been a wonderful blessing and I am grateful for where we are and where we are going. As I know, God will continue to cradle her in His arms and see us through these last two weeks. I pray that He rest His healing hands heavily on her little body these next few days. I pray for rest and comfort for her and for strength for me so that I can keep my vigil over her until her healing is complete. With our eyes focused ahead, our path continues to lie straight.

Steve will be here on Sunday as I will "pass" McKenzie off in the airport to him. He gets in at 10:30am and I leave at 12:00pm. I am so excited to get home to see my other children but I am also anxious to leave McKenzie, although I know that Steve will be fine. Your prayers are needed and coveted for our final weeks of this journey.

Love,
Carol

Wednesday, January 21, 2004 9:49 AM CST

Just wanted to let everyone know that we are in the hospital. We got admitted last night. I only have a second and I will update more when we get out of this nightmare. As for now, please lift McKenzie up for healing from this infection that seems to plague her.

Love,
Carol

Monday, January 19, 2004 4:04 PM CST

Well, one of my fears or should I say worries came true last night. I had taken McKenzie downstairs to play in the playroom for a little while. I had picked her up and she felt warm so I took her temp. 102.6! My head was spinning thinking all sorts of things and deep down knowing that I was headed for the ER at Mass General. For most of you that don't know, if you can ever avoid the ER at Mass General (and most ER's in general) that is a VERY good thing. So, I called the doctor and like I knew she would she told us to go to the ER. We got to the ER around 8:45pm. It was 11:30pm before we ever got to see the doctor. Long, long, long story short (as I prayed like never before), we finally got to go home at 2:30am. Her counts were good, the flu swab was negative, they took blood cultures from her line which we won't know about for a few days, and they gave her a big dose of antibiotics in case it was her line. But as I thought, the doctor felt like she just had an upper resp. virus.

So, our odds here in Boston are not good. We have only been here for a total of 2 1/2 weeks (including the first trip) and have landed ourselves in the hospital twice. Hmmm! So, I have decided that I will probably keep McKenzie a litle more isolated because I am so scared that she will get off schedule with her radiation. We did not have treatment today because of the holiday but my guess is that they probably wouldn't have done it anyway.

So, please lift McKenzie up in prayer. We obviously need continued prayers for protection from infection. Please pray that the proton machine does not break down anymore and that she is able to continue with all her treatments as scheduled. I just pray that God covers her with His healing hands and quickly removes whatever this little "bug" was.

A big, big thank you to my friend Ellen who rushed right over to take us and sat with us the whole time. She is an amazing blessing to us! Also thank you to my wonderful twin stuff friends who treated me to a fun day of eating and shopping and came bearing all sorts of gifts for McKenzie and I. You ladies are so thoughtful and I am so glad that I got to meet you.

Love,
Carol

Friday, January 16, 2004 7:23 PM CST

Today, exactly one year ago, at this very moment, our lives as we knew it was about to be FOREVER changed. It was at this time last year that our precious little McKenzie was in surgery to remove this "mass" in her back that we had found only a few weeks before. A "mass" that the referring doctor, a pediatric oncologist, was certian was benign. The "beginning".... I think back to this day as we robotically went through the motions trying to conceal the fear that gripped our every being. Telling ourselves every minute that there was no way that this could be cancer!! She is ONLY 3 months old!!! But knowing deep down that it was. Thinking back, no one ever really said, "McKenzie has cancer". They didn't have to. I can't even recall the exact day that I was able to cry. I mean really cry. The first days and weeks are such a blur and I think God gives us a protective mechanism that helps us to absorb such great shock as our bodies and minds can handle it. It wasn't long after that I broke down. But I don't think that I cried for what I had just learned but more for what I had been given. A chance to see first hand the fragility of life in it's truest form. But God was with me that day as He has been everyday. In fact, He had led us to this day. There is no doubt in my mind that you gain strength, courage, and faith in every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.

It has been a long and insidious year. I am constantly amazed at the things I remember as we have just begun to experience our first year of "anniversaries". How unbearbly alone I felt at times, how fear would overcome me at the strangest times almost choking the life out of me, how I grieved for the "loss" of my sweet babies first year of life. And as the weight of those memories slowly begin to lift from within the resting place my heart, they are replaced with new memories. Memories of McKenize's sweet smile and her deep passionate eyes. The day she sat alone, crawled, and walked. More memories than some people have. Do I wished that this would have never happened? God yes! Would I change this past year if I could? NEVER! I know that our McKenzie is a special, special gift. I KNOW that there is a reason and great purpose for her life. Would I have known this if not for this experience? My guess is no.

All our love,
Carol

Sunday, January 11, 2004 9:25 AM CST

Well, we are finally settled in the Ronald McDonald House and our first week went real smooth. Looking back it did go by quickly but the weeks ahead seem to be forever off. There have been so many people taking care of us while we are here so that is making things so much easier. McKenize is doing real good during her treatments and we continue to pray that they are killing any cancer cells that might still be hiding. It is still very hard leaving her side once they put her to sleep. There is such a sense of total trust in her eyes as I am the last thing she sees before the anesthesia takes effect which is only a matter of seconds. Although I know that Steve and I (with the help of God) have made the right decision in planning McKenzie's treatment and pursuing the Proton Beam I still find myself questioning. I think I question more for McKenzie than myself. None of it really makes any sense but that's just it, this whole cancer thing makes no sense. I guess it is hard for us as parents because we have to make ALL the decisions, we decide what WE want and what WE think is best and sometimes I find that very unsettleing. But, we continue to press forward, at times with the blindest of faith knowing that "our path has been made straight".

The temperature right now is 7 degrees. We have a "warming" trend coming. It should reach a sweltering temperature of 24 degress today. Needless to say we will be staying in. Steve and I are going to trade places in about 2 1/2 weeks. He will be coming up here on Jan. 28th and I will get to go home....YEAH!! I miss the other kids so bad and can't wait to get home to a "boring" life.

I just wanted to thank a few people. Mark Scott for your continued care and concern for McKenzie and for all you have done for us. Ellen Nelson for everything you have done, for taking us to and from the hospital, for arranging other people for transportation, for your thoughtfulness and for your friendship. Thank you Karen for the wonderful meal Friday night and for your much needed company. Thank you to my fellow "twin stuff moms" for your care and concern and I look so forward to meeting all of you and spending time together. God has so blessed us and is answering our prayers every day.

Love,
Carol

Tuesday, January 6, 2004 10:15 AM CST

Well, we made it Boston safe and sound. The first night we stayed at the Beacon house but as of yesterday we were able to get into the Ronald Mcdonald house. McKenzie had her first radiation treatment yesterday and everything went good. It was so hard leaving her side as they were putting her to sleep. The other hard part is that her treatments are not until 2:00pm and the last time she can have anything to eat is at 6:0Oam, so I have been getting up around 5:00am and making her a good breakfast in hopes that she will not be so miserable by 2:00pm. So far she has done okay, she is more fussy than normal but that time is also her nap time. Can't win for losing here. 1 down 22 treamtments to go......I can do it, I can do it!! We are still trying to get adjusted and get into a routine. I think once I do that I will start feeling better. It is just soooo hard being up here alone and knowing that I won't be seeing my family for 5 weeks. I just keep prayihng for strength and that this time passes quickly. We are also expecting some artic weather, the high by Thursday will only be 12 degrees, (Hey DeAnna, I know you you are so upset that you can't be here for that).

God has brought some really remarkable people to us for our last part of Mckenzie's journey. We are so very grateful for our friend Mark Scott who has just gone to great lengths to help us while we are here. He has also spread the word to his church family and they have also been reaching out to help us. These people have been wonderful and words just can't do justice for our appreciation. We are so blessed and we Thank God for his continued care over our family. He is taking care of us. I hope that all of you are having a wonderful and blessed New Year, I know for us it it going to be a GREAT year!!!

I have put our address and phone number at the bottom. This is where we will be for the next 5 weeks. We would love to hear from you.

All our love,
Carol

p.s. I love you Steve, thank you for all you do for me and for taking such good care of our family. You are such a strong and wonderful man and God has blessed us all with you!

Wednesday, December 31, 2003 8:03 AM CST

On the eve of a new year, again I am filled with numerous feelings and emotions. I, of course am doing the "this time last year" thing and praise God we have conquered this unimaginable obstacle. Still looking up at one more big mountain with this radiation but with God holding our rope above and our net below we will get through this too. My feelings are two-fold. While I am VERY excited about the upcoming year, a year of what we hope and pray is healthy, happy, and fun, I have this ever present lurking feeling of fear. At times (although less and less) I am still dealing with some very strong feelings of anger, bitterness, and sadness from what McKenzie has had to endure at such a young age and feelings of being cheated out of what "should have been". What I have learned over and over again this past year is that NOTHING is EVER what it "should be". I still, at times fight to follow instead wanting to lead, knowing that where I usually want to go is not where God wants me to be. I continue to pray that this experience will not be in vain and that even when we are 20 years down the road I will continue to draw strength and gain courage from it. I pray that McKenzie will grow to be a true testiment of God's love and faithfulness. I believe without a doubt that there is some special reason for her life (all my childrens lives), but the fact that God gave us the twin pregnancy when we had only planned for one tells me EVERY day that God has a reason....a plan, that we still don't know about. And when I look into those sweet, precious, beautiful dark brown eyes of hers, I KNOW that it will be one magnificant plan.

So, some of my new year's resolutions are; to continue to strive to be a better person, one deserving of God's love and one deserving of the gift's of these children that I have been given. To continue to strive to be a better wife, mother, and friend. That I am able to give back to others and serve others as they have done for me this past year. That I am able to appreciate the things I have and the things I don't have everyday, knowing that at any second it can all be taken away from me. There's plenty more but I save those for my personal journal.

We are scheduled to leave this Sunday the 4th. We will be flying on a private jet from a very generous corporate donor (Corporate Angel Network). McKenzie and I will have the whole plane to ourselves so I am very excited and thankful for that. Still don't know where we will be staying yet but that will come together by this weekend. I am VERY worried about leaving, about being gone for 5 weeks, about getting this radiation for her, about the other kids. I ask that you please lift me up in prayer these next few days that I can feel some peace about all my fears and worries. I know that things will work out and all will be well but I still worry. Please continue to pray that this will be the last tool in McKenzie's complete and total healing and that she be spared from any and all side effects. Please pray that every single cancer cell that may have been left behind is dead and gone. Please pray for Steve as he will have the tremendous burden of holding down this fort alone....give him strength. Please pray for Logan and Kylie as they may not understand, and for Tyler and Rachel.

Thank you all for your continued love and support. If you have a minute, please sign the guest book as I will be able to check it while I am gone and it will be my means of getting some sort of communication while I'm gone.

All our love,
Carol

Tuesday, December 23, 2003 7:51 AM CST

Man, I never thought I would be so happy to see Moultrie, GA. McKenzie got discharged from the hospital on Friday (praise God) and Tyler and Rachel were scheduled to fly out of Atlanta that day at 3:25p. Well, once again, things never go as planned. We got the kids to the airport a few minutes after 2:00p thinking that we would have plenty of time to spare...yeah! We waited in line to check in for a while and when we got to the counter they informed us that they have a 45 minute cutoff. So, if you are not checked in by 45 minutes of your departure, your up a creek. For those of you that have ever seen Planes, Trains, and Automobiles with Steve Martin, oh I so wanted to go Steve Martin on them! So, we had to re-schedule them to fly out the next morning! Anyway, we finally made it home and boy are we happy.

So, our trip to Boston went good. We are scheduled to return on Jan. 5th. She will need 23 treatments which will take about 4 1/2 weeks, so I am planning on staying 5 weeks! I am just praying that is goes by fast!

Well, I hope that everyone has a wonderful holiday season. As we celebrate the birth of Jesus, we will also be celebrating the lives of these precious children who have/and continue to endure great obstacles and much suffering. I ask for prayers for the many, many parents who are spending this Christmas "remembering" their precious angel, those parents who are in the hospital fighting this terrible disease (esp our buddy Chandler), and those like us who are so very lucky and so very blesssed to be at home with our families. I also pray for all of you that continue to walk with us. I pray that God blesses you, that He cover you with protection, and that during this season you are able to see all that you have to be thankful for.

My blessings are many,
Carol

Friday, December 19, 2003 10:02 AM CST

Call me a slooooow learner if you will. I should have learned by now to always expect the unexpected. For most of you that don't know, we are in the hospital in Atlanta. We were scheduled to fly home Thursday morning and I guess Miss McKenzie had other plans. She had been extremely fussy Wednesday night but I had attributed it to the long week. She didn't sleep good at all. We got up Thursday morning and felt warm so as we headed to the airport bright and early at 6:00am I took her temp. and it was 100.9. After we waited FOREVER in line to finally get on the plane she was really lethargic and warm so I took it again and it was 101.2. So trying not to freak I called our dr.s office (thank God for the airplane phone) to see what we needed to do. We decided that we would just get off the plane in Atlanta and go straight to the hospital instead of going on to Tallahassee. Thinking that she might just have a viral infection, we would get some blood drawn, a dose of antibiotics just in case and be on our way. The UNEXPECTED....her ANC was only 190(any thing under 500 is considered neutropenic and her risk of developing a life-threatening infection is great) There was really no reason she should have been neutropenic, a) because she has NEVER been neutropenic, and b) because her last big chemo was before Thanksgiving. I guess McKenzie has decided that since she has been so good all year she is going out with a bang. So, we headed over to the cancer unit and right into room 316!!!

Flash forward to this morning...again the UNEXPECTED.....the other kids and I got a hotel room and
Steve stayed at the hospital with McKenzie so when we walked in this morning he pleasantly informed us that they had given us our walking papers. Her ANC jumped up to 590, she has been fever free for 24 hours, and her cultures so far are negative. All the criteria met!!! Praise God. He, once again, has ensured that our path was straight. The flight crew from Delta was amazing. The captain arranged for our luggage to be taken off in Atlanta (which they usually do not do), they were so kind and so helpful. So we are now just waiting for our discharge papers and we are going home! We will be dropping Tyler and Rachel off at the airport this afternoon for them to go to Texas for the week for Christmas and then they will return next Friday with my mom. Please pray for safe travel for them and that they have a wonderful Christmas in Texas (but that they hurry back home:)). Please continue to lift McKenzie up for protection from infection and continued healing from this bout of whatever it was. God bless you all and we pray that you have a very Merry Christmas.

All our love,
Carol

Wednesday, December 17, 2003 10:54 AM CST

Hello,

Well, McKenzie is down in MRI having her tests run. Since they put her to sleep they won't let me stay in there with her. These past two days have really brought back a flood of emotions related to them putting her to sleep. They let me stay with her right up to the point of her going unconscious and the look in her eyes just rips my heart apart. I know at that point she really doesn't know what is going on but she is looking at me and every ounce of trust she has is with me and then I have to leave her. It was just like when she was first diagnosised and I had to give my 3 month old baby to the OR nurse and watched as she took her away to surgery. Not an easy thing to do. Please lift her up in prayer that nothing goes wrong while she is "asleep", please pray that God covers her with His love and protection, and that even though I am not physically there beside her, just as God is not physically there beside her, that she feels my(our) love for her.

All of the testing has gone smooth so far and we are still on track for a January 5th start. We still don't have a place to stay and it looks like we probably won't have that secured until right before we are scheduled to leave. Please pray that all of that falls into place. We will be coming home in the morning so please continue to pray for safe travel.

All our love,
Carol

Sunday, December 14, 2003 8:40 AM CST

As of 6:00am tomorrow morning we will be boarding a plane to usher in the Nor'Easter to Boston. Please lift us up next week as it looks to be grueling (weather wise), stressful, and tiring. Pray that we have no delays and make it safely into Boston. We should be home Thursday around noon, and I will update then.

As I reminded one of "fighting partners", Kim, I too am trying to keep my eyes focused straight ahead, and to let God watch beside us and behind us, as He has already "made our path straight". Thank you, all of you, for your continued love, support, and prayers.....they mean EVERYTHING to us. Fighting on.....


Soon to be freezing my ^%#@ off,
Carol

Thursday, December 11, 2003 11:46 AM CST

Well the ball is officially rolling....I just need to get out of it's way. I didn't have any luck in getting it changed and all coordinated in January. I guess they work on such a tight schedule and I am sure there are thousands of people trying to get in. So, this Monday, McKenzie and I will get on a plane and head for Boston for our meetings with doctors, CT and MRI scans, and a little snow man building :). We will be there until Thusday and then come home for the holidays and then go back up on January 5th for 5-7 weeks?!? I am in such a state of stress/panic. We just got our flights made yesterday which I am really not looking forward to. As everyone knows the flu is spreading like crazy and since they pack you in like sardines on the plane I am just praying that I can keep McKenzie from catching anything. Maybe the airlines will be compassionate and bump us up to 1st class where it is at least a little roomier. Her immune system is still compromised and will be for quite some time, and we still have one more chemo to go which will be dropping her counts right about the time we have to head back in January. As of today, we still have not secured a place for McKenzie and I to stay for this trip or our extended trip. Our social worker here is working with our social worker in Boston to try and find us a place. We are trying for the Ronald McDonald House as it has a VERY minimal fee but as you can guess it stays full. They can never gaurentee you a room, you basically just luck out when you get one. So, they are looking at other things too. Please pray that we find a place to stay. Please, Please also send up those prayers for protection from infection. I hate to think what an infection/hospitalization would do to our radiation schedule. Please also pray for safe travel and that our days of testing go smoothly.

I have to share with you how God has so graciously been answering all of our prayers. I have a long time friend that I went to high school with. Up until McKenzie's diagnosis we didn't have any contact except for reunions here or there. Since McKenzie's cancer she has been a constant and faithful follower, always sharing her love, support, and encouragement. Well, yesterday I got an e-mail from her telling me her brother-in-law lives in Boston and she shared our story with him. He immediately shared our story with his church family/friends and within hours offers to help us started pouring in. People have so generously offered help in any way we may need. He knows someone who has contacts with the Corporate Angel Network, a group of pilots who could fly us up there in a private jet free of charge....wouldn't that be awesome! She basically said that people are just standing by waiting to help us. I am just so touched. God has called upon His people and they are just waiting to serve Him. (Thank you Tymi and Mark!) Our world is such a fallen place but I tell you I have seen more good in people in this past year than I have in all my life. Good people are out there by the dozens, and I get to see them everyday....ANOTHER blessing!

So please lift us up next week. God hears every single prayer! Also, if you could please remember The Dana Pearson family in the next couple of days. She earned her angel wings yesterday after a long and courageous battle with this beast that McKenzie is fighting. She leaves behing two very young daughters and a husband.

All our love,
Carol

Friday, December 5, 2003 11:56 AM CST

So much has been going on this month and it is only the 5th!!! McKenzie had her last and final treatment in Albany on Monday. I just couldn't believe that I was sitting there knowing that it would be the last time. I tell you, looking back the year has flown by and at the same time it has pain stakingly drug on. I know, makes no sense. Anyway, only 1 more treatment left and of course it is the big one but I have faith knowing that God has seen her through all these weeks, He is not going to forsake her now, in the last week! He loves her too much!

Okay on to the BIG news of the day---We got the call yesterday that she has been accepted for proton beam radiation. I didn't have any doubts, okay big lie, I had a slight fear that they would deny her, but I am so relieved they didn't. They want us to be there on the 15th of December for consult, CT, and MRI, then go home and come back on the the 5th of Jan to begin radiation. That is going to be really hard for us to do so I am going to talk to the coordinator to see if we can just go up on the 5th for all the testing and go right into radiation. Hopefully that will work! Anyway, I have run the range of emotions today. I am so relieved that she was accepted and I KNOW that God has lead us to make the right decision with Proton Beam, but and there always is a but......my anxiety level is very high today. Thankfully, I can put my finger on my worries and give them up to God. If only I could see Him reach down and and gently take them all from me I could rest with peace of mind. But oh how much easier said than done! I am the worrier of this family. I FAITHFULLY accept my duties to worry-everyday. As much as I wished I didn't, I just do! So, here they are; I of course am worried about going to Boston alone with McKenzie for 6-7 weeks (the weather, the treatments, the risk of putting her to sleep everyday, the lonliness, the isolation), mainly tho I am worried about my other 4 kids and my husband. I have NO doubts that he will take over in my absence, I just worry about the stress on him. Luckily, my in-laws are taking Logan to Texas to care for him, and although he will enjoy his time there, I worry that he will get home sick for us. My biggest worry is Kylie. Bless her little wild woman, crazy, fussy, high-maintenance soul!!!! We don't have anyone lined up yet to care for her. I have put the word out that we are looking for someone to care for her for about 7 weeks but as of yet we have not secured any definate plans. She will be less than thrilled to have to stay with someone other than her mommy and although I know she will adjust eventually, it still breaks my heart for her. I also am worried about our older two. I just don't want them to feel any more of a burden than necessary. They have a lot to deal with just trying to be teenagers-enough said (for those of you with teenagers)! And then as if that were not enough, I am worried about the minor things like the bills getting paid, the clothes getting washed, the house getting clean, groceries getting bought, my children getting fed good. Insignificant as those all may be, they constitute a big part of my "job", my life!

So, as you can see, I need lots of prayers sent up these next couple of weeks. Please pray that God brings someone to us that can care for Kylie, someone loving and nurturing that will help ease her into these next couple of months. Please help Steve's parents as they care for Logan and help him to feel safe and comfortable at times when he will be missing his mom and dad. Please pray for Tyler and Rachel that they will be of great help to Steve in maintaining our household without feeling any added burden. Please pray for Steve and I. Please pray for our marriage, that it may continue to be strengthened through this next difficult time and that we remember to be kind and loving toward each other during this period when stress might get the better of us. Please pray that our commitment to God, our marriage, and our children is deepened and that He continues to work in our lives. Please pray for me and all these worries. Please help me to always remember that He is in control--not me. To let Him lead and for me to follow. And last but NEVER least....little McKenzie! Please continue to lift this precious soul up. Please pray that this radiation will be the FINAL chapter in this long book of life...Her life. Please pray for our safety and that God gently carry her and cover her with protection during all the treatments.

Okay, I will end the beginning of our last chapter. Please stay with us, we need you all now more than ever. Your words in the guest book are what sustain me. If only you knew!

All our love,
Carol

Friday, November 28, 2003 9:12 AM CST

As we relished the last bite's of our wonderful (and bountiful) meal last night (make that our 2nd wonderful meal thanks to our special friends, the Isaacs), I reminded my children to think of all the people out there who at that very moment were not fortunate enough to have enjoyed such God given blessings. Here lately, and I don't know why, I constantly think of those out there less fortunate than I, especially children. Maybe it's the time of year, maybe it's the "gift" I am experiencing thru McKenzie's journey. Yesterday I had (and have) so much to be thankful for. I have 5 beautiful, talented, loving children and 1 out of this world husband who I love with all my being. Although I would have NEVER volunteered for this job with McKenzie's cancer, I am thankful that God has allowed me to be the one who will see her through. She is an AMAZING thing. She is developing into such a strong and beautiful little girl and I think that thru this she has been given a fighting spirit that will see her through this this hard world. NOTHING is going to get this girl down. We get such joy out of watching her play, she has such a playful disposition.

We only have 2 more treatments left. 2 MORE TREATMENTS! We will go to Albany on Monday for our last treatment there and then on December 19th we will have our last "big" treatment in Atlanta (which is an add-on to hopefully carry and cover her until we get to Boston). I never thought we would get to this point. I can't believe that we have come this far with McKenzie doing as well as she has. It's hard to explain to you how blessed we have been thru this. She has had only 1 infection, that is AMAZING. Even kids without a compromised immune system get sick more than that in the time span of a year. And she has only needed 2 transfusion's, that too is AMAZING. It's really strange but as we approach the end I swear that I can feel God's ever present protection around her. What comfort I have found in His presence. If her story doesn't make you a believer than I don't know what will. I know that it is because of prayers that she has literally sailed through 1 year of chemotherapy (with the exception of the last 3 rounds making her so sick). I just want all of you that have followed her through this journey, those of you that check on us, those of you that faithfully pray for us to know that you have played an important role in our child's life and a special role in her healing. I can't wait to one day show her this journal that has been kept and all the wonderful guest book entries. She is going to be so touched.

Please continue (you can't stop yet) to lift her up. He is reaching down!!! We still need protection from infection. Please pray for strength for her body and also an appetite as it has been kind of hit or miss. Please pray that everything falls into place for radiation and that it will be the last and final thing to put this "beast" to rest for good. Continue to pray for all our children as they face each day. Especially our older two (Tyler and Rachel) as they are out in this world without our constant guidance. Pray that they make good decisions and good choices. Pray that they seek to serve others. Please pray that Steve and I do our "job" with our younger three so that when the time comes for them to branch out they will do the same.

And as thanksgiving ends, I am so very thankful for all of you. Those that I have known for years, those that I have recently met, and those of you that I don't know. For your loving support, your care and concern, and of course for your prayers. They have indeed sustained us. I will be forever grateful.

All our love,
Carol

Wednesday, November 19, 2003 12:10 AM CST

This is long.....just warning you ahead of time, but please bear with me and indulge me this once.

My Monday's at the clinic (mainly in Atlanta), are by all means physically draining and exhausting but by far more emotionally challenging. I am very sensitive, I cry easy, I am touched deeper, and on these days I am the most grateful. Wow, did I ever imagine that I would be most grateful on a day when I had to take my precious baby to the doctor to get the treatment she needs to help her fight for her life??? It is on these days that I can appreciate even the littlest things that I usually take for granted.

It starts as soon as I walk into the building. As I enter suite 260 (the Hem/Onc suite), my eyes immediately start to scan the room and all the eyes of the people there immediately focus on McKenzie and I as we enter. Without even a word, they all know why we are there and I know why they are there. You can read a thousand messages from just one look. The "I'm sorry that your child has to go thru this" or the "I know exactly what you are going thru". The unspoken language between parents of children fighting cancer. Knowing that each child there is fighting diferent battles but the same war. Then my focus shifts to the children. I wonder what kind of cancer they have, what chemo regimen they are on, how long have they been in the fight for their life, are they going to win this fight. Knowing and NEVER forgetting as I look at each child that things could have been so much worse for McKenzie and feeling grateful that we have made it this far. I can "feel" eyes from across the room staring at us...and as "he" watches McKenzie, I can see his pain. His pain of knowing that she is fighing the same war as his son who is in the back getting his treatment. I see him smiling at her as she takes joy in a goldfish cracker, and then through his smile I see the tears that are rolling down his face. And so, this is the beginning of my "Monday".

Once in the back we go thru our usual routines and processes and then we head back to the infusion area to begin our chemo. As I sit there holding my precious baby as I watch the chemo being to drip into her body, I am drawn to the beautiful fall trees blowing outside the window. Outside of that window the hustle and bustle of life that is taking place is more evident than most days. I feel the ever familiar presence of resentment building because in this one LITTLE room in this BIG world our life has been put on hold and this room is filled with people whos lives have been forever changed. In this little room that 95% of the people in the world can't even imagine exists, is a whole world of its own. A world that most times is cruel and unforgiving. A world that is beyond fair, a world where is is easy to be overcome with anger, fear, bitterness, resentment and self-pity. A world that tries to rob you of your hope, your faith, your life. But then I realize that I might be the lucky one here. For it is in this "world" that I take NOTHING for granted. That I indulge in the little joys of life and appreciate every second I am give with my daughter (and all my loved ones) because I have been given a glimplse into how unpredictable life really is. Now don't get me wrong, I don't by any means live in this "world" everyday. I usually end up right back in the hustle and bustle. But oh how lucky I am that I can always look forward to next Monday. The day that causes me tremendous anxiety, the day that I usually dread with all my being, the day that sets me up for the fear of the unknown, the day that starts my week off with "what might could happen". Yes, I can't wait until next Monday!!!

I pray that God opens my eyes and my heart so that I might take advantage of all that this expeience has to offer and that I might gain a deeper understanding of God's will for my life. I pray that God's uses me to touch the lives of those that I meet. I pray for God to just cover McKenzie with his strength and that he walks us gently through these next 2 weeks safely and infection free. And so I will once again start my vigil....watching ever so closely for subtle signs that McMenzie might be getting sick. And I will walk the halls of this house at night checking on each one of our children but lingering just a little longer at the bedside of McKenzie, just in case.

My blessings are many,
Carol

Thursday, November 13, 2003 1:08 PM CST

Hello!

Man, we sure are enjoying this beautiful fall weather. Some days (like today) I am just overwhelmed with all the things that I have to be thankful for. That's a good thing because it makes up for all the days that I have my private little pity parties and want to know "why me?", "why my baby?".

Our day at the clinic was good. Her counts were high which is what I expected. I have noticed that in the past 2-3 weeks she seems to be more and more tired. She is pale and has dark circles under her eyes and her little eyes just aren't as "bright" as they usually are. I really think that these past 2 chemos are really bringing her down fast. As I had said in the very beginning, the chemo has a cumulative effect and I think that these past two times have finally started taking their toll (she has been getting chemo EVERY week for an entire year...that's a lot of chemo). She has been very fussy (Let me please stress VERY) the past 2 weeks and only wants me to hold her. It is so hard to see her not feel good. I can definately tell the difference strength and endurance wise between her and Kylie. Then poor Kylie, because when she see's McKenzie getting held she wants held too??? So I usually end up with an arm full of girls all day.

Well, we are off to Atlanta on Monday for what was suppose to be our last "big" one. But since we will not be getting her in for Proton Beam radiation until after the first of the year our doctor wants to keep her on the chemo. I think that he is just being very, very careful. But with that being said, we may only have to add on 1 more "big one" to keep her covered until we go, so all in all that shouldn't be too bad. I am just trusting in God that this is the BEST for McKenzie.

Please continue to lift her up to the Lord. Especially now since it appears that her little body may be getting tired and weary. Pray for strength for her and for her body so that it can continue to help her fight this fight. Continue to pray that the chemo is effective in ridding her body of all the cancer cells that were left behind while sparing her good cells. I am very nervous about this next chemo because she was soooo sick last time, please pray that we can keep the nausea and vomiting under control so that she doesn't have to suffer like she did the last time. We also ask for safe travel to and from Atlanta and as always, blessings on all of you that continue on this journey with us.

I'll close with a quote my friend Jenny sent to me:

"Have faith and pursue the unknown end"
-Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)

All our love,
Carol

Friday, November 7, 2003 7:37 AM CST

Hello!!!

We had a nice and uneventful day at the clinic on Monday. The only thing is that her counts are way down!!! She is almost neutropenic, but hopefully by this weekend she will be on the uphill climb!!! I am worried that these last chemo's will take their toll on her little body! I can definately tell that she is more tired and easily fatigued than she has been in the past. She has done so good so far, please pray that her little body is able to tolerate all of this. And continue to pray for protection from infection!!!

We had a fun Halloween!! Got lots of candy and Logan continues to carry around his hulk bucket with all his loot!! I have to keep a close eye on him because he likes to sneak off and go to town on that candy!!!

We will be back in Albany next week for more chemo! I still have not heard anything from Boston. I think that I will give the radiation oncologist who is referring her a call next week to see if that might "move things along". Thank you all for your continued love, support, and prayers....where would we be without them?????

All our love,
Carol

Friday, October 31, 2003 8:51 AM CST

Happy Halloween!!!

Okay, I have only been trying all week to get this update. This is the 4th time that I have typed this!!! I want to scream!!!

We went to Atlanta on Monday and it was the absolute worse treatment she has had to date. As I mentioned in a previous post, he has been increasing 2 of her chemo's since she turned 1 yr. She was a little sicker than normal the last time but this time was AWFUL!! I honestly didn't think that I was going to make it home. I thought I was just going to have to get a hotel room and try to go home the following day. She was sooooo sick. She started throwing up about 2 hours after we left and what should have taken us on 1 1/2 hours to get home took us 3 hours. She was throwing up every 10-15 minutes and I would have to pull over every time to help her. She was dry heaving and would not be able to get her breath back and it would scare her to death. It was awful. She looked so pitiful. I wanted to hold her so bad all the way home but I knew that that would not be safe for either one of us so I just kept my arm twisted around back and rubbed her little leg. I finally made it home and ended up having to call the on-call doctor. We had to dramatically increase her nausea meds but we finally got it under control. It took her a good 2 days to recover from this round. I was so mad that she was having to go thru that.

I sometimes have to fight so many emotions and thoughts. You have thoughts and feelings that you would never think you would have. I hate the thoughts of what that poison is doing inside her little body. I know that it is killing the cancer cells but I also think about what else it could be doing to her . On one hand I am thankful that she is so young and doesn't know what to expect or what is going on but on the other hand I feel so bad for her because she doesn't know what to expect or what is going on. It is such a blessing that she only knows to live in the very moment, that she can't feel sorry for herself, but I have such a hard time because I feel so sorry for her. It's crazy what this does to you. Sometimes I don't feel like I will ever get over this emotional trauma. This is definately a world of its own---a very lonely and scarey world of it's own. You just NEVER imagine that you will be the one that has to watch your child endure something like this. It truly affects every single aspect of your being.

Please continue to lift her up to the Lord. We NEED protection from infection. Please continue to pray that the chemo is effective in ridding her precious little body of all the cancer cells while sparing the good cells and of course continue to pray for COMPLETE and TOTAL healing.

We are so exicted about tonight. We are planning a night of fun. We are taking the little ones trick-or-treating. We are just going to enjoy ourselves and enjoy watching our children be children. We are going after all the candy we can get our hands on and then we are going to come home and do what fills my memories of childhood------dumping all your candy out on the floor and just looking at it and counting it, and sorting it for hours!!! (and of course eating it) Just for tonight, we don't have cancer!

All our love,
Carol
A very blessed mom to:
Logan-The Incredible Hulk-GRRRRR
Kylie-A little witch
McKenzie-Spooky Cat
Rachel-"Mom, can I please just go to a movie with all my friends tonight?"
Tyler-"We ALL have to go trick-or-treating?????"

Friday, October 24, 2003 11:05 AM CDT

Hello,

Once again we have been very busy in the Fleming house. McKenzie continues to do so well. About 1 1/2 months ago she started growing back hair. It was coming in like crazy, BUT since her last treatment 3 weeks ago when he doubled 2 of her chemo's, it has begun to fall out again. I think that it has fallen out more than it did in the beginning. It drives me crazy when we are out with both girls because anyone who doesn't know them always says, "Oh a girl and a boy?". As I respond, "No their both girls, that is what chemo will do for ya". Oh well, one of these days she will have hair down to her little butt!!!!

My trip to Houston was great, VERY short. It felt like I landed and turned right back around and got on the plane to go home! It was nice spending time with my friend. Just want to share some accomplishments on the homefront. Rachel tried out for the basketball team and MADE IT!!! We are excited about that!! Tyler made the high school's meat judging team and will be going to a state competition the first of Nov. He will also be trying out for the varsity tennis team in the next couple of weeks so I am really hoping that he makes it!! So, needless to say, we just added a whole lot more to our plates!!! Thank goodness we get to do it in rounds of 2 (kids that is), I couldn't imagine if we had all 5 kids in sports and activities at the same time!

Well, we will be going to Atlanta on Monday. It feels like we just went yesterday, that 3 weeks sure flies! Her records should have arrived in Boston the first part of this week, so hopefully they will start the review process on her next week and we can start making more definite plans for radiation. I am anxious to know so that I can start mentally preparing to leave my family and go to Boston alone for 6 weeks. Please keep us in your prayers where all of that is concerned. Time again to flood heaven with those prayers for protection from infection. And of course complete and total healing. We also ask for prayers for safe travel to and from Atlanta. Thank you.

All our love,
Carol

Tuesday, October 14, 2003 9:26 AM CDT

*****New Pictures*****

I have added some new pictures of the girls from their 1st birthday photo shoot. The pictures came out so cute. A friend here in Moultrie named Jill Roberts has a studio where she takes pictures. I think she did a wonderful job!

Our day at the clinic in Albany yesterday went good. Her counts are great (praise God). She continues to do so well. We are praying like crazy that she doesn't get sick!!! I am also praying that she continues to tolerate the chemo without any side effects. This is one of the agents that he doubled and she had had some problems in the past with it where we had to reduce it, so I am hoping that she handles it okay. It can cause some pretty painful nerve and joint pain. I am just trusting that the Lord will handle this!!!

Well, I will be taking a mini vacation this coming weekend. I am going to visit my best friend Margaret who lives in Houston (Hi JoAnn). It will be a quick trip, I leave on Friday and come home on Sunday, but it will be nice to get away, and get to spend some time with her. Please pray for safe travel for me, and pray that Steve and ALLLL the kids manage okay (I know they will because he is such a WONDERFUL daddy).

I forgot to add my thanks last entry to Celina for keeping Logan, Phyllis for having Tyler, and DeAnna for having Rachel while we went to Atlanta this past time!!! I owe you guys sooo much!! I love you all dearly!

Thanks to all of you who continue to pray. We wouldn't be where we are today without you!!

All our love,
Carol

Monday, October 6, 2003 4:25 PM CDT

Hello,

Our day in Atlanta on Friday was long. We started out with scans at 7:30 and didn't get over to the clinic until 12:00. Steve went with me so he actually did all the "work" that day. He stayed with her for her scans then took her to clinic for chemo, while Kylie and I did a little shopping. She finished up with chemo about 3:30 and we got on the road just in time for rush hour traffic. Steve visited with Dr. George about radiation and Dr. George felt like we were definately doing the right thing. We are just dredging on with getting all the paper work and all her medical records sent to Boston. The only bummer that Dr. George suggested or should I say "strongly recommended" was to continue chemo until she was about 2 weeks out from going to Boston. He said he didn't want her going any longer than 3 weeks between ending chemo and starting radiation. Why??? Not sure!! My gut feeling is that he is concerned about it growing back if we go to long before getting the local control with radiation. Regardless of the reason, it makes me VERY nervous. And really bummed that we have to prolong her exposure to chemo. BUT, we want and will do what is best for her. We are going for COMPLETE CURE the first time around!!!

This round of chemo was pretty rough on McKenzie. He increased two of chemo's this time because she is now 1 year old. He doubled her doses of Vincristine and Actinomycin and she was really sick. She threw up 2 times in her sleep on friday night and 1 time in her sleep on Saturday night. I continued to keep her medicated for nausea all weekend and by Sunday she seemed to be better. I am really really worried about her counts dropping and infection. Anyway, I just pray, pray, pray for God's protection over McKenzie and ask that you all continue to do the same. We are grateful everyday for you continued love, support, and prayers!!!

Something I saw on Sara Beth's website today that helped me.....Faith= "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

All our love,
Carol

Tuesday, September 30, 2003 12:10 AM CDT

Well, my girls are officially 1 year old!!!!! They had a wonderful birthday, and got lots of stuff---toys!!! They are so sweet and I just can't believe they are 1.

Well, we are off to Atlanta on Thursday evening. McKenzie has to get scans first thing Friday morning, see her oncologist at 11:00am, then finish off the day with chemo. LONG DAY!!! But, the good side is that Steve will be going with me to help. We will also be meeting with the Drs about radiation.

With much thought, research, faith, and PRAYERS, we have decided to pursue radiation for McKenzie. The good news is that we feel at peace with our decision. We feel like we will be giving McKenzie the BEST chance at beating this cancer the first time around. If, and God-forbid, she were to relapse, we will know without a doubt that we did all we could, and we will just go on from there to continue to do all we can. Again, I pray that we can accept God's will for McKenzies' life, but I will fight till the finish for this little girl!!! The bad news is, is that we are pursuing Proton Beam radiation (a very specialized radiation). Actually the bad news is that there are only 2 proton centers in the world; Loma Linda, CA and Boston, MA. We have chosen Boston mainly because that is where we use to live prior to moving here and I have 2 very close friends that live there and I am familiar with the area. The proton center is at Mass General, and before I had Logan I use to work in the ER at Mass General so I also know the hospital and surrounding areas. The referral has been made, we are in the process of gathering all her records and sending them, and then they will meet about her and decide what the course of treatment will be. McKenzie will need about 6 weeks of radiation, 5 days a week. She will have to be put to sleep EVERY time, so that is very scarey for us. We are looking at going the first week of January, which is another thing, THE WINTER!!!! Pray for little snow and warmer temperatures (yeah right)!

So, that is our next step to what I believe is the last and final chapter of this journey. Please pray for us. This will be a very difficult time. I will be gone with McKenzie for 6 weeks. Steve will be here with the other 4 children by himself, trying to maintain all aspects of normalacy for them. Please pray for understanding, comfort, and security for all of children especially as Logan and Kylie will not understand where mommmy is. Pray that Tyler and Rachel will be of great help for Steve, and that they too will be eased from any feelings of burden. Mostly, pray that the radiation will be the last and final course for McKenzie and that it will completely kill any cancer cells that may be hiding. Again, I ask for prayers for our marriage, that it continues to be strengthened and that we continue to draw closer to God thru this extremely difficult time.

As far as the next chemo, please pray for safe travel to and from Atlanta, that the chemo is effective, and as ALWAYS, protection from infection. She has done sooooo good, all these prayers are being answered!!! Again, thank you all for love and support. I don't know where we would be without you.

All our love,
Carol

Tuesday, September 23, 2003 10:38 AM CDT

I cannont believe that tomorrow my girls will 1 year old. Looking back, it has flown by. All week I have been doing the "this time last year", and I just can't believe that "this time last year" I was in labor. I have so many emotions about this past year. It has been the biggest rollar coaster (emotionally) that I have ever been on. I just look at them and can't believe that they are 1 and I have actually survived!!!! Of course, I do have my sad feelings over the year. I absolutely hate that McKenzie has had to endure all she has in first year of her life (in her lifetime period). I am still angry that this happened to her and to our family. I sometimes feel so much guilt thinking that I have not been the best mom I could be to them (and all my kids for that fact) because of the huge impact that this has on me. But, on the flip side, I have been blessed more in this past year than I have been in a long time, or maybe it is the fact that I have a different perspective on life and am able to see what true blessings are. I realize and know that things could definately be worse (and yes, better too) but I am so thankful that we caught her cancer early before it spread, I am thankful for the skill of the surgeon who was able to remove her tumor, for the knowledge and wisdom of her doctors and nurses who continue to treat and heal her. More importantly I am thankful that she is doing so remarkably well, and that she is basically side effect free, and that she continues to be free from infection. I am also thankful for the changes that I have seen in myself and the new appreciation I have for life and others and the new direction that I see on the road to becoming a more Godly person. I am thankful for all the support from friends and family who have faithfully been there in times of need, and for the love and support from people we don't even know.

Yes, it has been the year from #%*@, but it has also been the most blessed year of my life. God does work in mysterious ways!!!! Thank you to everyone who continues to follow us, and for everyone who continues to love and care about us! We are grateful beyond words.

Happy Birthday to my sweet precious ANGELS-Kylie & McKenzie.....I wish you a lifetime of birthdays!

All our love,
Carol

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 1:08 PM CDT

**New Pictures**

Hello!

Wow, I cannot even begin to explain what a wonderful experience we had this past weekend at the beach. The nurse from Atlanta that had this vision and started this ministry is a gift from God. There were 8 families there, all with kids currently in treatment for cancer. It was a joyous, sad, uplifting, happy, relaxing trip. We met families who don't have much time left with their little ones. Once again, God was at work here, showing me in spite of what are going thru, how blessed we are. There were about 35 of us and there were 40 volunteers! That is a lot of people who devoted their time and took time out of their busy schedules to serve others. I was so touched by the love, care, and genuine concern from these people who's ONLY goal was to take care of us. We were shown so much love and so much support, it was beyond amazing. This ministry is so powerful in it's ability to heal and nurture others at probably one of the hardest and worst times possible. It is Steve and I's goal and the goal of our older children, Tyler and Rachel, to one day (hopefully in the next couple of years) return to this retreat, this time on the other end. It was so nice to sit there with our teenagers and listen to them express the desire to reach out and serve others. I know that God was working in them this weekend.

Well, I could go on forever but I will close now. Thank you for prayers for our family. God does hear them. Again, we are off for the next 3 weeks from chemo. We are scheduled to return to Atlanta on Oct 6th for scans and chemo. Please continue to lift our family up prayer. Also, please remember ALL the other children, who, every minute, of every day, continue to fight their own battles with cancer.

Rejoicing in our blessings,
Carol

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 7:17 AM CDT

Hello everyone!!!!!

Well, again I report that we had an uneventful and smooth day at the clinic on Monday. Her counts were all back up and she is just doing so good. Sometimes the pessimist tries to come out in me thinking that the chemo must not be working right because she is doing so good????? Before I was a mom to a child with cancer, and even now, you'd always hear about the "dreaded" chemo side effects and blah, blah, blah.... so where are all these horrible side effects that she should be having???? Why is her hair coming back??? Why do her counts stay so good???? Why doesn't she look like a child getting chemo???? It's really crazy sometimes how your mind can be so irrational. And actually fear has a lot to do with it too. But the only explanation to this is that God is just so protecting her during all this treatment. He is in control....not the chemo, not the doctors, NOT THE CANCER!!!!! I just want to know that the cancer cells are DEAD!!!

On the MUCH brighter side. First, we are at the end of the 3rd out of 4 phases...WOW!! So we are getting our chemo vacation!! (Not really a popular destination by the way) We have the next 3 weeks off and are not scheduled to return to Atlanta until October 6th for scans (again), and her 3rd to last chemo in Atlanta. The other good news is is that our family is leaving for the beach in the morning for a much needed get away!! We are going on what is called the Lighthouse Family Retreat. It is the neatest thing. To get to go, you first have to have a child currently in treatment. This retreat was founded by a nurse from Atlanta and it is staffed by doctors and nurses who VOLUNTEER their time to do this for families with children with cancer. It is completely free for us, they provide everything!!! Their mission is the serve children with cancer and their families at a seaside retreat and help them to laugh, restore family relationships, and find hope in God. Isn't that wonderful!!! They have all kinds of activities for the kids, they give the parents a night out together as they watch/entertain the kids, we get massages, and basically just completely PAMPERED!! Our family is so looking forward to this trip. You just cannot (and don't want to) imagine how something like impacts your life. It encompasses EVERY aspect of EVERY family member!! So please pray that this time will enrich and uplift our family. That it will indeed restore and refresh our relationships with one another and above all that it helps us to continue to find hope and have faith in God!

Well, I didn't mean to keep you here at the site for hours reading. My heart is filled with so much gratitude to all of you that continue to follow and faithfully pray for us and for continuing to come here to check on McKenzie and our family daily. I pray for many, many blessings for you.

Soon to be basking in the sun on the beach,
Carol

Thursday, September 4, 2003 7:13 AM CDT

Hello!!

Well, our day at the clinic on Tuesday went good. I was a little nervous about going due to it being the day after a holiday, but I got there pretty early and we got in pretty quick. We finished up around 11:15 and as we walked out into the waiting area it was like a ZOO!! There was wall to wall people. So I'm glad I went early otherwise it might have been a very ulgy day. McKenzie continues to do wonderful. Her counts were all good. Her ANC (ability to fight infection) was in the 6000's which is great! She continues to sprout hair...it's really cute! Otherwise, I couldn't be more grateful (unless of course we didn't have to go thru this at all), at her continued well-being.

So, the excitment for the day: WARNING: Not for the weak stomach!!! I decided to go do a little shopping after chemo (mind you that I had McKenzie, Kylie, and Logan). We went to Hobby Lobby first and except for some "routine" fussing it wasn't too bad. I needed to go to Sam's and then I was headed home. As I went to get everyone unloaded, I grabbed Kylie's carseat last...OMG...she had taken care of some business en route and it had leaked out BOTH sides of her diaper and had gone all the way up her back. She had managed to stick her hands down by her legs and well....lets just say she had it EVERYWHERE!!!!! It was all over her hands, arms, feet, legs, clothes, car seat, face...I think you get the picture!!! Needless to say we didn't make it into Sam's. I spent about 30 minutes and pretty much a bag of wipes trying to wipe her down as best I could. I was worried and mortified thinking that she might put her hands in her mouth on the way home. It took me about 30 mintues in the bath tub trying to get her clean. Oh well, such as life. The incident didn't bother her a lick. I can laugh now!!!

Note to self: BUY BIGGER DIAPERS!!!!!!!

Well, I hope everyone is having a blessed week. Continue those prayers of protection from infection and that the chemo is effective in ridding her body of the cancer cells!!!

All our love,
Carol

Thursday, August 28, 2003 3:17 PM CDT

***New Pictures*****

Monday at the clinic went smooth as ever. She tolerated the chemo very good. It has been really nice since we figured out that we needed to give ALL her nausea meds prior to any chemo so that we stop it before it starts instead of trying to get rid of it once she gets sick, which is not an easy task!

Had ANOTHER long talk with Dr. George, McKenzie's primary ped onc, regarding my fears of this stupid cancer reoccuring once treatment is stopped. He told me that in the past, before they started doing more research on Rhabdo that the protocal called for 24 months of chemo. Over the past years they have learned that they got the same effect with less months (we didn't get into the technicalities of that). That being said, we talked about other options for McKenzie. He said that we could basically do anything we wanted to in regards to treatment. Keep in mind that our BIGGEST issue is that McKenzie will not be getting radiation, a key factor in the treatment of Rhabdo. I asked him if he thought about using the "bigger dogs" in chemo, (the drugs that they pull out AFTER you relapse, there are only about 4 others) and he didn't feel that that was a good idea because he wants to keep them in his pocket to use IF we have to (if she relapses). What he did say was that no where was it written that we had to stop this regimen at 48 weeks which is what it is scheduled for now. He said that we could extend it for another 6 months. (Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh), (Waaaaahhhh), ( *#!*## *$#*@ &%$#@). Obviously, not what I wanted to hear. BUT, of course I will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I have to do to give her the best chance at beating this terrible disease. The dilema: extenting her treatment is still NO GUARENTEE that the cancer cells are dead and that she won't relapse. So, do you or don't you???????? If I knew that 6 more months of chemo would do the trick then by God we'd do 8. I JUST DON"T KNOW!!!!!

Faith is a little weak today. I am scared!!!

Please continue to lift her up in prayer. Continue those prayers for protection from infection (those prayers are answered...she is living proof). Please pray for some answers for Steve and I in regards to her treatment. Pray for wisdom and descernment for us so that we can choose the BEST treatment for McKenzie the FIRST time around!!! Pray for peace of mind for us when we do decide wether or not to extend her treatment and above all please pray hard that we accept God's will for her life, whatever that may be. Please pray that the chemo she gets now is effect in ridding her little body of the cancer cells.

"God does not call the equipped, he equips the called"

All our love,
Carol

Thursday, August 21, 2003 8:49 AM CDT

Hello to everyone!!

McKenzie continues to do unbelievably well. Chemo on Monday went good. We had a "minor" scare that morning as I could not get her central line to flush. I worked with it for about 10 minutes and it wouldn't budge! This has only happened once before and we had to make a quick trip to the ER to have them put some TPA in the line. (This is given to heart attack patients in the very early stages in hopes of breaking up the clot), so it would have the same effect on her line if there was a clot in it. So, we got to the clinic and I told the nurse that she was probably going to need some TPA. After about an hour of waiting for them to get the orders and the dose and the meds etc.....I had decided to give it ONE more try, so I got a flush and guess what.....IT FLUSHED!!!! Whew!!!! So we were able to proceed with labs and chemo.

We will be going to Atlanta on Monday for "big" chemo. (after this only 3 more big ones to go). Please continue to lift her up into God's loving and protecting arms. Pray for safe travel to and from Atlanta for us. Above all, pray that the chemo is effective in ridding her body of the cancer cells while sparing her good cells. Pray for minimal side effects and that they can be effectively relieved if/when needed. Please pray for strength for me as these days are so physically tiring and emotionally draining. And last but definitely not least, continue to pray fervently for protection from infection.

Words still elude me in expressing my deepest gratitude to all of you that continue to walk with us on this journey and pray for our family. I pray that thru this you have been blessed and prayers have been answered for you like they have been for us.

With much love and gratitude,
Carol

Thursday, August 14, 2003 9:45 AM CDT

Hello to everyone!

Well, we are all finally getting adjusted to our new lives and new schedules. As I sit here today, even in the midst of something so unimaginable, something NOONE would ever want to endure (your child having cancer), I feel so blessed! I look at that sweet baby and see every day how God is holding her in His loving arms and how He protects her EVERYDAY. I look at my other 4 children (all of which are here in MY arms) and feel such an immense love that fills my heart and soul. I look at my wonderful, PATIENT, loving, supportive (the list could go on and on) husband and I know without a doubt that God truely blessed me on that day. And still, I see the love and support from our friends here in Moultrie and from the kind, caring thoughts and wishes that pour in from people that we don't even know but yet share a common bond. I've always said how ironic it is that it is usually tradegy that makes us look around and count our blessings. I for one am guilty of that. So for today, in the midst of our personal tradegy (soon to be only a memory of a huge obstacle overcome), and my oh-so-very-busy life, I am counting my blessings!!!!

Our day at the clinic on Monday went good. For the past 2 months they have backed off on McKenzie's Vincristine due to the peripheral neuropathy, which was causing her pain in her legs. She was to the point where she wouldn't even bear any weight on her legs. So they decreased the dose by half and things got so much better. They decided to go back up to full strength Monday, so I just pray that she can tolerate it. I was counting how many treatments are left and we only have 4 more "big" ones in Atlanta, and 10 more "little" ones in Albany. I am starting to see a little glimmer at the end of the tunnel.

We continue to ask for prayers for protection from infection. We BELIEVE that she in on the road to complete and total healing. Thank you for checking in on us. Wishing you many blessings.

I've added 2 links at the bottom of our site, one for little Chandler Booth who was dx with neuroblastoma a couple of weeks ago, and one for Sara Beth Rogers (a beautiful young girl that we don't know, but her story is so inspiring). She is recovering at Scottish Rite in Atlanta following a very tragic car accident, and it was the Booths' that meet her family when Chandler was dx and told us about them. If you have time, please stop by and visit their site and send up a prayer or two for them.

All our love,
Carol

Tuesday, August 5, 2003 2:34 PM CDT

Hello to everyone!!

Well, we have been VERY busy at the Fleming house! I have so much good news and even more to be thankful for! For the few that may not know, my older two children, Tyler and Rachel have been living in Texas with their real dad for the past couple of years and as of last Thursday (the day before they were to get on a plane and go back) we got the BIGGEST answer to prayers----that they could stay and be here with us! We are beyond happy and excited! So, Steve and I spent all day yesterday getting them registered in school! Tyler will be in the 9th grade and Rachel in the 7th.

Friday went very smooth in Atlanta. Steve took McKenzie to the clinic for chemo (a wonderful break for me) and sent Tyler, Rachel, and I shopping for school clothes, with strict orders to have fun!!! And that we did! McKenzie continues to amaze her doctors (and us) at how well she is tolerating chemo. Sometimes I get so scared anticipating that "shoe" to drop because I never imagined it would go so smoothly.

Our prayer requests are protection from infection and of course complete and total healing. My special requests are for Tyler and Rachel. Please pray for them in the next couple of weeks that they have an easy transition into their new schools, that they feel welcome and accepted, for their new (and old) friendships, that they have a fun and challenging year, and especially that they feel God's love for them EVERY day. Pray for Steve and I, that we may be extra attentive and sensitive to any needs that they may have in the next few weeks and months. Pray that we can be a source of strength, comfort, and wisdom for them and that we can help to guide them into the sometimes difficult teen and early adult years with confidence, security, and a sense of unconditional love.

A special thank you to Patti and Marcus Wells (Aunt Marcus), and to Wylene for taking such good care of Logan and Kylie. Logan had a blast! And to everyone else for your continued love, support, and prayers.

Rejoicing in Him,
Carol

Tuesday, July 29, 2003 4:16 PM CDT

Hello to all.

Once again an uneventful day at the clinic. Chemo went smoothly and her counts look great! She continues to do so well. I am just so thankful!

We will be going to Atlanta this Friday and since we will be there I called to see if we could go ahead and get her chemo instead of turning around and going all the way back on Monday and we got the okay so Friday it is! Not going to be a very good day for me as we will be taking Tyler and Rachel to the airport and finishing the day off with chemo, can't possibly think of two more heart wrenching things to have to do BUT with God's grace Tyler and Rachel will soon be here with me where they belong.

Hope everyone has a great week. Thank you for your continued love, support, and prayers. Please keep us in your prayers for safe travel on Friday and especially for Tyler and Rachel in the weeks to come. Blessing to all.

Love,
Carol

Wednesday, July 16, 2003 8:28 AM CDT

Hello to everyone!!!!

First, the wonderfull news....McKenzie's CT scans were all negative!!!! Thank you God for answered prayers again. Chemo went good, she did get pretty sick again but as of this morning she is back to her sweet, precious, beautiful, happy self!!! All the doctors and nurses were just so amazed to see how great she looks and how good she is doing, of course how could one not look good being carried in the arms God each day!

I had another long talk with her Oncologist about radiation. I continue to feel very uneasy and very uncomfortable about the decisions to not radiate her. I am in a support group for kids with Rhabdo, so I see first hand the nature of this terrible cancer. It can be so resistant and these are kids who are getting both chemo and radiation. It just seems that by a long margin more of them relapse than not and my fear is that the chemo alone is not going to be enough. With that said, we flip the coin and have to look at the effects the radiation would cause to an infant. We know without a doubt that the muscles and bones in the radiation field would NEVER grow from that point on, and for McKenzie, her cancer stretched from the bottom of her 12th rib down to the top of her hip. That is her entire right side, front AND back. Not knowing exactly where the microscopic cancer cells might be hiding, you would have radiate the whole area or what would be the point? She would definately have severe scoliosis, damage to her spine, damage to her right ovary, and no telling what else. They know that radiation is needed to effectively treat Rhabdo BUT obviously it continues to have a high reoccurance rate with these kids and they have had both. Our oncologist is also still not 100% okay with not radiating her but on the other hand he said that if she were to relapse we would then still have the option to bring out the radiation then and she would be older and bigger. If we radiated now and she relapsed we could not radiate ever again, you can only radiate an area one time. Nice double edge sword we have to carry huh??? I personally can't stand to think about relapse because if she relapses her prognosis drops down to like 30-40% as opposed to 70-80% without relapse. Anyway, sorry to ramble. This just kind of helps me to get all my thoughts out. Sometimes it is just soooo hard to turn this all over to God and trust that it will all be okay. I just want to know for sure we are doing everything possible to give our daughter the best chance at life, a life that she deserves, a life that I cannot imagine living without!!!

So, my prayer requests are for wisdom and discernment for us and our doctors to plan the best treatment for McKenzie. Peace of mind that our decisions are the best for her. That the chemo alone will be effective in ridding her body of the cancer cells if we decide not to radiate. That the cancer NEVER comes back. That we accept God's will for her life. And please don't forget, protection from infection.

Thank you to Celina for keeping Logan, and to Sam for keeping Kylie, I am so grateful for you both.

One last thing and I promise to close. Some friends of ours here in Moultrie need some very big prayers. They are possibly facing this terrible and terrifying road that we have been on. The doctors think that their son who is a little over 1 year old might have a type of cancer called neuroblastoma. We just pray, given the very slim chance, that it is something else and not cancer. Pray for compete and total healing for little Chandler, and for strength and comfort for his mommy and daddy.

All our love,
Carol

Thursday, July 10, 2003 8:18 AM CDT

New Pictures!!!!!

I finally updated the pictures. It is just amazing to see how fast the girls are growing up!

Well, we will be off to Atlanta on Sunday. It is time to do scans again so we have to be at the hospital at 8:30a Monday morning. This will take all morning and then we have to get right over to the clinic to start chemo...uuuggghhh. Boy, I can feel that devil at work. I have anxiety AGAIN. I know it is because of the upcoming scans and chemo. I was telling Steve that having these breaks from chemo are like taking a wonderful vacation, while you are there you are having the best time and don't have all the worries of everyday life back home, and there are no problems, but then your vacation comes to an end and you have to go home, back to reality. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade these breaks, but having to start the "routine" back up is such a bummer. And with it comes all my fears and worries. For some reason I have been really worrying about McKenzie's cancer coming back. I don't know why, and I know that we aren't even done with treatment, but that seems to be all I can think about. I know at times like this I need to really turn to the Lord. It's funny how He sends down "gentle" reminders for us to let us know He is there.

Please continue to lift McKenzie up in prayer. Other prayer requests for us are; safe travel to and from Atlanta, clear scans, the chemo to be effective in ridding her body of cancerous cells while sparing the good cells, little or no side effects from chemo, PROTECTION FROM INFECTION, peace and comfort for my worries and fears, for our other 4 children, and for strength for Steve and I's marriage.

My prayers are for blessings for those of you that continue to faithfully follow and pray.

"And all things, whatsoever you shall ask in prayer, believing, you shall receive"
Matthew 21:22

All our love,
Carol

Tuesday, July 1, 2003 9:10 PM CDT

Just wanted to post a quick update. I've been trying to put it off because I have some new pictures to post that are just too cute but I am trying to use up the last roll in my camera because there is a picture on it that I want to post too, sooo, I will just update pictures next time!

McKenzie is such a joy! She is doing so good. Mind you, we have had the last few weeks off and actually don't go back for chemo until July 14th, but she is just doing so good. I have pretended a couple of times that we don't actually live in this nightmare because things have been going so smooth. Hey, it helps!!! Anyway, when I get back to reality though, I just realize that she is doing so good because God is answering all of these wonderful prayers that are being sent up for her. We are literally at the half way point of treatment and I can ALMOST see a little glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. I know that she will breeze through this last part just like she has the first part....I have faith!!!

Thank you for the continued prayers. Logan will be home this Sunday from his grandparents in Texas. Man have we missed that little guy!!! Please pray for safe travel for him and his aunt Virginia.

I hope everyone has a happy and SAFE 4th of July. May God continue to bless you all.

All our love,
Carol

Tuesday, June 24, 2003 8:26 AM CDT

Hello to everyone!

We went to Albany yesterday for chemo and everything went good. All her counts look good, she is strong, and she is happy!!! We finished the day off by shopping! It was very relaxing! My mom is in town visiting from Texas and enjoying every second with her grandchildren!

We have the next 2 weeks off from chemo....WooooHoooo! Logan will be home in about 2 weeks, he is having a great time with his other grandparents.

Thank you to everyone who continues to lift McKenzie and our family up in prayer. I'd like to ask for some special prayers for our oldest daughter Rachel. She has been at church camp this week in Florida. She has been having so much fun but of course the purpose of the camp is to draw the children closer to God. Well it is working but as she draws closer Him she also questions things (don't we all). She is having some trouble understanding God's will in a couple of area's of her life that are causing her some unhappiness. She is also questioning "Why" about McKenzie's illness. It is SO difficult as a parent to try to help your children understand things that are so hard to understand even as adults. Please pray that now more than ever she feels God's love for her. Please pray for wisdom for Steve and I so that we can help her to accept God's will for her life and help her to continue to turn to Him for all her needs. I also ask for prayers of comfort and peace for all her worries (especially those about McKenzie). Thank you so much!!!!

With love,
Carol

Wednesday, June 18, 2003 7:45 AM CDT

McKenzie is doing so good. Her little infection is almost cleared, she has energy, and has the prettiest red tint to her cheeks.

We went to Albany on Monday to get chemo and everything went so smoothly that we were actually in and out in an hour! That is record time!!! Her counts are all up and I think she is feeling really good. The best part is that next week would usually be our Atlanta week but she is to the end of this phase in treatment and gets the WONDERFUL break from chemo. Mom also get the WONDERFUL break from anxiety and fear after she gets the chemo, but I will still pray fervently that God's loving and healing hands continue to "squeeze" her extra tight!!!

Thank you all for your continued prayers for her and our family! Please keep them going up!!!

Well, so far summer has been fun. Logan has gone to Texas for a month (ouch) to spend some much needed time with his Grandparents. He won't be back until July 7th and I think I am going crazy missing him. But, he is having the time of his life at their ranch, so that's all that matters. And Meamaw and D'Da Da are eating him up!!! It is so hard being away from all of family (they all live in Texas). We would love to get back to Texas (home sweet home) soon....that is our ultimate goal. I just pray that that is God's will for us.

I will close now. Thanks also to all of you who continue to sign the guest book. You can't even imagine what your words of love and encouragement mean to me. I check it every day. And to see how many people are praying, loving, and following little McKenzie....that is pure blessings for
me. And I know that there are alot of you that check and don't sign and that is wonderful too, thank you!

Okay, sorry you've had to spend half a day reading one journal entry. I am closing.

With love and gratitude filling my heart,
Carol

Friday, June 13, 2003 9:50 AM CDT

"God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer. Praise be to God..."
Ps 66: 19-20


Never has that been more true. For those of you who continue to faithfully pray for our little one, your prayers have been answered. As you know from my last post, she had to have a transfusion on Tuesday. That went off without a hitch. I noticed on Sunday that she was getting a little runny nose and cough. Well, I wasn't concerned until I learned her ANC was so low. By Wednesday, she wasn't any better and my fears of course were that this little cold could turn into something worse because she had no ability to fight off even a minor infection. So I called her Ped Onc and they said that since she didn't have fever that I could just take her to her local Peditrician. So on Wednesday afternoon we went to the Pedi. When our dr walked into the room, I was holding McKenzie in my lap, she said, "Is one side of her chest bigger than the other?" I hadn't noticed anything up to this point. So after looking a little closer we found a marble sized lump directly under her right nipple. Also, her nipple area was beet red and tender to touch. By the way, about 1/4 inch below her nipple is where her central line is inserted. Long story short, she had mastitis and the beginning of cellulitis. The Pedi thinks that since the area around her nipple is always kept covered by tegaderm to protect the line that an oil gland may have become clogged and since her ANC was so low some of that bacteria caused the area to become infected. The scariest part is that the infection is so close to her central line that it could have easily gotten into her blood stream causing a serious if not life threatening illness. We almost had to go on up to Atlanta for admission but since we caught it sooo early while it was still localized we are able to treat it here. We had to do 2 days of IV Rocephin and she will be on oral antibiotics for 8 more days. If that is not God's protection then I don't know what is. I am so glad that I took her in for the cold symptoms and that we caught this infection before it had gotten out of control. We had just changed her central line dressing on Sunday and there was nothing there that indicated a problem. We have been giving her chemo and blood the past 2 days and it was not red or
swollen. That is just how fast something can happen which is why I am always so scared that I might miss something.

Anyway, thank you to God for answered prayers. Thank you to all of you who continue to send up those prayers. They are WORKING!!!!!!! He listens, He hears, He answers!!!!

God bless you always.

Carol

Hi Rachel Brooke....I love you and will see you in 8 days!

Monday, June 9, 2003 8:59 PM CDT

We went to Albany today for chemo. Her counts are really, really low. I thought at one point they were not going to be able to give the Vincristine, but since this one really does not effect her counts they were able to give it to her. Her ANC was only 667, which as far as I know, is the lowest it has ever been. Anything below 1000 means that her body is not able to fight infection very well. Less than 500 and it is critical because she can get an infection from even the "normal" bacteria that is in her body. Please pray fervently for protection from infection. I just worry because this is day 7 and she really isn't at her lowest point yet. Also, her hemoglobin has dropped from 8.3 to 7.9, so we will be going back to Albany in the morning for a transfusion. I know that this will make her feel so much better so instead of fretting about it, I am thankful that someone out there has given the gift of life so that my little one can continue forward on the road to complete healing.

I again ask for prayers for Steve and I. This is such a difficult time. At times, it is the absolute lonliest road I have been on. I have really felt some anger this past week that I can't quite put my finger on. Pray that at times like this I can grow closer to God.

May God continue to bless you all.

"But when I am afraid, I put my trust in you."
Psalm 65:3

Carol

Tuesday, June 3, 2003 8:22 AM CDT

Hello,

Well, we made it home safe and sound (thank you for those prayers). McKenzie is doing okay this morning, still a little nauseated. Yesterday at the clinic was, for the most part, an okay day. We tried a few things different with her nausea meds and it worked out better. I guess sometimes you just have to play around before you get it right. She is again approaching a critical low in her hemoglobin. Her's was 8.3 and they transfuse when it gets to 7. Dr. Lew felt that she would need blood within the next week, especially since the round of chemo we just got is the stuff that causes all her counts to drop. We have to take some blood to the lab this Friday for counts and will most likely need blood on Monday. They called the cancer center in Albany where we go the other weeks and they said that they would be able to transfuse her there so that we would not need to go all the way back to Atlanta. Please pray for her to re-bound quickly.

She is nearing the end of this round of treatment which means she is going to be getting a break again. The best part of the day yesterday was finding out that we won't have to go back to Atlanta for 6 WEEKS!!!!! The next three weeks we will be able to get the chemo in Albany (only 45 miles), and then the next 2 weeks are off---No chemo! This is just one more huge step closer to completing treatment and being done! We are scheduled to go back to Atlanta on July 14. At this time she will have all the scans again, but I have no worries about these as I know they will be fine.

Please send up some big prayers for protection from infection as her counts will begin to drop in the next 7-10 days. I just pray that God's healing and loving hands continue to hold her close and keep her safe.

Thank you soooo much to Anjee and Rhonda for keeping Kylie and Logan. Again, words cannot express my gratitude to you for all you do. Thank you to everyone else for your continued prayers, love, and concern. Logan is beside himself happy that his brother is home, now if we can hurry and get Rachel here we will be complete.

All our love,
Carol

I love you Rae!!! mom

Wednesday, May 28, 2003 11:25 AM CDT

Okay, next time someone remind me to NEVER go to the clinic the day after a holiday!!!

I got there a little after 10:00, thinking I was doing good time wise. We NEVER got into a room, they stayed full the entire time we were there. We drew her labs and gave her chemo in this little room called the "injection room". Not quite sure what they even use it for. Our nurse told me that she just wished that they stayed open for holidays because trying to make up the day after is just not worth it! Needless to say it was a long day. And to top it off, as we were waiting for her counts, I decided to go to the cafeteria and feed the girls and get something to eat for myself. As I was trying to get both carseats on the table I knocked off my entire tray of food. My coke, fries, burger and cups of ketchup go flying across the cafeteria, all the while the girls are screaming bloody murder!! I was quite a spectacle!!! I could have just curled up in a little ball and cried!! Oh well, a new day is here. Other than that all is well. Her counts are all back up. I am so so grateful to once again escape any infection this round. Thank you for the prayers and keep sending them up!!!

We will be going to Atlanta on Sunday for chemo on Monday. I am soooooo excited about Sunday, we will be picking up Tyler at the airport for the summer. Rachel will be coming in a couple of weeks because she has to go to cheerleading camp first, so she will come the middle of June with my mom. I am so exicted!! Please keep us in your prayers for safe travel to and from Atlanta, and as always that the chemo is effective in ridding McKenzie's body of ALL the cancer cells while sparing her good cells. COMPLETE and TOTAL healing!!!!

May you all continue to be blessed!

All our love,
Carol

Wednesday, May 21, 2003 9:32 AM CDT

Hello,

McKenzie's chemo on Monday in Albany was uneventful. She continues to do so good. Her counts looked good, her platlets are getting a little low at 66 (normal 150-400). I called the dr's office and they said that they don't/won't transfuse platlets until there is "active bleeding"--yikes!!! let's pray we don't go there! I continue to see God's grace on a daily basis. I see my prayers and all the prayers from you-our faithful followers-answered. Sometimes, for a very brief moment, it seems as though our life is "normal", that we don't REALLY have a seriously ill child. But then I quickly snap back to reality and back to my usual state of worry!! Our son, Tyler tells me all the time that he doesn't ever worry because he knows I am worrying enough for the whole family. I just tell him, that's my job!

We will go back to Albany next Tuesday. I hope everyone has a safe and fun Memorial Day. Please continue to lift McKenzie up. Please also pray for strength for Steve and I and especially for our marriage, that it may be strengthened throughout this very trying time and that God be given all the glory. A big thank you to all of you for your continued support, love, concern, and prayers. I couldn't imagine doing it without you. I will close with a verse from St. Francis de Sales, if only I could live by it 24/7.

"Do not look forward to what might happen tomorrow; the same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of tomorrow and everyday. Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you the unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace, then put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations."

All my love,
Carol

I love you Tyler & Rachel....mom

Wednesday, May 14, 2003 9:59 PM CDT

Our outpatient day was a success!!!

It was a VERY long and hard day, but no longer or harder than when we did it in the hospital. And the best part was that McKenzie and I were both home at 8:30pm and in our own beds by 10:00pm. I think it is going to work!! She did get sick again after the Cytoxin, almost immediately. I'm sure that it will probably be that way for the rest of treatment. It takes quite a bit of medicine to get the nausea controlled, but after about 3 hours we did, and by the next day she didn't act nauseated. I finished the fluids and rest of the medicine at home.

Next time we go, we will get there at 8:00am instead of 10:00am, so hopefully this will get us home even sooner. We got out of the clinic at 4:00pm, just in time for rush hour traffic in Atlanta. For those of you that don't know it is a 3 1/2 hour drive--ONE WAY-- so a total of 7 hours just in driving and then sticking chemo in between, makes for a very long day.

She is so strong and so resiliant. When I look into her precious brown eyes I get a sense of something very deep. It's like I can see so deep into her soul, it's like she has a very old soul. Without a doubt something very special, I can't put it into words.

Anyway, now to the part of treatment that I just dread and fear---her counts dropping. Please continue to pray for protection from infection. Thank you to everyone who continues to pray, I KNOW that it works. I know that He hears.

Thank you to Lisa for keeping Kylie, and to Anjee for keeping Logan. Also, thank you to Patti for going with me to Atlanta and providing me with much needed company, support, and help. And again, thanks to everyone else for your kind words, love, and concern. May God bless you always,

Carol
Happy, Happy Birthday today to my sweet daughter Rachel, who turned 12. I love you so much!!
Hi Tyler, I love you too!---mom

Friday, May 9, 2003 9:27 PM CDT

New photo's added----and they are CUTE!!!!!

Well, I thought that we were actually going to make it through the chemo process with McKenzie getting to keep her hair, or I guess I was just hoping. We have gone 14 weeks in treatment and she has not lost any hair up until this past Thursday when I started noticing that there was hair on her clothes and her face. Well, now I find her hair everywhere, her pillow, her carseat, any where she has been laying. I don't know why this is so hard for me but it is. I guess because it is now the ONLY outward sign that something is wrong with her. And it is another reality check for me that my baby is really getting chemo. On one hand the hair loss is a reassuring sign that the chemo is indeed killing those cancer cells but also getting the good healthy ones too. And I know....I would rather her be cancer free and hairless than the other way around but the feelings that I have don't care about being rational!!! It's not about her looks. So, as I try to decide wether or not to help facilitate the process (by cutting it down), I just run my fingers through it as much as possible.

I intentionally took the photo's of her in the carseat with the bow in her hair because I have just recently been able to get the bows in their hair and I wanted to have them to look back on.

We will be traveling to Atlanta on Monday, please keep us in your prayers for safe travel. Wishing you God's blessings always.

Carol
(I love you, son)

Tuesday, May 6, 2003 1:11 PM CDT

Good afternoon to everyone.

We went to Albany today for chemo and again (thank you Lord) it was an uneventful day. Her counts look so good!! Her ANC is really high which is good and she continues to hold her own with regard to her hemoglobin so that means no transfusions for now!

We will be going to Atlanta on Monday and this will be the first time for our new "arrangements". So I am hoping that it goes smoothly so we can continue to do it and not have to do over night hospitalizations!!!

Please continue to lift McKenzie up in prayer for complete and total healing. I continue and ask that you also continue to pray fervently for protection from infection as this is ALWAYS one of our greatest threats! Please pray for safe travel for us on Monday. I pray for all of you that have been touched by McKenzie's illness, and will be forever grateful to you for taking this journey with us. I mentioned in my last post about a special prayer angel Sharon, I also meant to thank our prayer angel JoAnn who has actually "adopted" McKenzie to pray for her. Thank you for your faithfullness in praying for our family, may you be blessed.

"God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer. Praise be to God..."
Psalm 66:19-20

Carol
(I Love you Tyler!!!)

Wednesday, April 30, 2003 1:27 PM CDT

Well, we had a very uneventful day getting chemo today. McKenzie's counts looked great!!! Her ANC (the count we look at to see if she has any infection fighting ability) was 5400---completely normal. She is not anemic by Ped Onc standards, meaning for her her hemoglobin was good! I could not have asked for a better day! A "healthy" baby, praise God.

I have to share something that was very profound to me that I read last night. It is in this weeks People magazine and it was a brief article about the Today coanchor David Bloom who died unexpectedly from a pulmonary embolism while covering the war in Iraq. It is part of an e-mail to his wife just hours before he died.

"You can't begin to fathom, cannot begin to even glimpse the enormity of the changes I have and am continuing to undergo. God takes you to the depths of your being, until you're at rock bottom, and then, if you turn to Him with utter and blind faith and resolve in your heart and mind to walk only with Him and towards Him, picks you up with your boot-straps and leads you home".

Wow, how true that is and how true that has been for me these past 8 months and especially the past 4 months. I can say that I am humbled by things now that I would have never even given a second thought to in the past.

Our thank you's are to The Glow's, Cindy, Gary, and Cory for the wonderful meal last Thursday night and to Mama Jane for all the delicious food you brought Monday. We are so very touched by everyone's thoughtfulness. Thank you to our special prayer Angel Sharon for your kind words and your prayers for our baby and our family. Thank you and please continue to lift McKenzie up in prayer.

Carol

ps---I love you son!!!

Wednesday, April 23, 2003 2:02 PM CDT

*New Easter Picture Added*

We are home from Atlanta....Yeah!!! It was a long trip but actually a very good one. First off all of her scans (bone scan and CT scan) were Negative!!!! Praise God!!! Monday was a LONG day, we started the scan process at 8:30 am and didn't finish up until 2:30pm. We finally got up and into our room at about 3:00pm. We started chemo around 6:00pm and the worst part of the trip was that McKenzie got pretty sick. They continue to increase the Cytoxin and each time she has gotten a little sicker. This time she was pretty nauseated and it took quite a bit of medicine to finally get her comfortable (which was about 12:00 midnight). Then she actually slept fairly well the rest of the night. As of today she is back to herself. I am nervous about the drop in counts this time (which is usually 7-10 from the day of the "big" chemo). Please continue to pray for protection from infection!

My other good news is that we don't have to have anymore overnights in Atlanta!!! McKenzie is on a regimen of 3 chemo agents; Vincristine, Actinomycin-D, and Cytoxan. The Cytoxan is the one that requires us the hospitalization because she has to be very hydrated prior to and remain that way at least 24 hours, and they have to give her a drug called Mesna which coats and protects the bladder from the Cytoxan. In total she gets 4 doses of Mesna. One with the Cytoxan and then one dose every 3 hours for 3 doses. So basically we are there getting fluids and Mesna. So I asked (it never hurts) if there was anyway we could get the chemo and fluids in the clinic in Atlanta and then I could give the rest of the Mesna and fluids at home. Long story short they agreed. Dr. George felt comfortable enough with me to allow me to do this. So, they have ordered us some equipment and the days we go to Atlanta I will start McKenzie's fluids before leaving and she will get hydrated all the way to Atlanta, we will probably have to spend 5-6 hours at the clinic getting the chemo, nausea meds, and 2 doses of Mesna, then we can come home where I will finish the Mesna and leave her on the fluids until the next day!! I am soooo excited that we won't have to spend the night on these chemo days. It will make things so much easier. Granted it will be a long day but it couldn't be any worse than what we do now!! So send up some prayers that this works for us! Of course we would still have to go into the hospital for any infection but that bridge will be crossed when and if it is needed! Little blessings, little blessings!!!

Thank you to everyone for your continued prayers and support for our family. A very special thank you to Rhonda for spoiling...I mean keeping Kylie and to Anjee and Celina for keeping our little buddy! Thank you to the Moultrie Junior Women's Club for our meal Tuesday when we got home. And of course thank you to the Lord above for keeping his loving arms wrapped around us all.

(I love you Tyler and can't wait for this summer!!! Tell Rachel I love her too...mom)

Carol

Saturday, April 12, 2003 12:49 AM CDT

Hello to everyone,
*New Pictures Added*

McKenzie is doing GREAT!!! Prayers have been answered as she made it through this round without infection!!! We will continue to enjoy next week without chemo!!!. We are scheduled to be admitted on April 21st for chemo. She and I will be going up on Sunday (Easter) afternoon because we have to be at the hospital Monday morning at 8:30 to get ready for her CT scans. She will have to be sedated for all her scans because she won't be able to lay still. Please pray for clear scans. Her blood counts are good, the blood transfusion helped her so much. Her hemoglobin before the transfusion was 7.3 and this past week post transfusion it was 12.4-completely normal!

Below I have added a link to McKenzie's on-line Quilt of Love! It is precious! If you have time to take a look just click on the link below and it will take you to it.

I have taken some time to reflect on the past 3 months since this whole ordeal started and I am just amazed at how much I can see God's work through it all. McKenzie's illness has impacted so many lives. It has brought people back into my life that I have not seen or heard from since high school, it has brought our closest friends even closer, it has opened my eyes to the people around me and given me a new appreciation for them and most amazing, it has brought complete strangers into our lives who continue to offer us love, hope, faith, and the kindest words of enouragement. If that isn't God's work then I don't know what is. Hopefully it has made everyone more appreciative of their loved ones, more aware of just how fragile and unpredictable life can be, and more importantly what is TRUELY important in life. I can honestly say that it has for me.

Okay, I'll stop now, but thanks for listening. As for prayer request I guess my biggest one continues to be protection from infection, and of course complete and total healing. Please pray for our next trip to Atlanta and her next round of chemo. I will update when we return.

Thanks again for your love, support, and prayers. Thank you to Sabrinia Odom for the wonderful homemade chicken noodle soup Thursday night...it was delicious!!

Happy Easter and All our love,
Carol

p.s. I love you Tyler and Rachel. I hope you like your Easter package....Mom

Saturday, April 5, 2003 9:13 AM CST

McKenzie is doing great! It's amazing what a little blood will do for ya!! I guess I never really noticed that she was that "tired" from the anemia! I knew she was anemic and that her counts were low but they won't transfuse until her hemoglobin is 7 or below (Her's was 7.3), but they did it anyway to save us a trip up next week because she would have really needed one then! We will get labs on Monday and I will be curious to see what is has gone up to. Anyway, it has just made the biggest difference in her color, activity, and overall alertness! She's like a different baby! I will be checking in with the hospital or blood bank, I'm not sure which, about getting some blood donated by someone we know and banking it for her when it is needed. Her blood type is A negative and Steve is also A negative so I know we can get his blood but I'm not sure how that works or if it would even be something we could do. So, any A neg friends or family that would be interested in donating a unit or two please let me know and I will see if we can bank it in her name! You hear it all the time but donating blood IS truely the gift of life, I now know from personal experience. Thank you to whoever was so generous and donated the blood that helped our baby girl!

Well, we are so enjoying our time off from chemo. Kind of holding our breath through this weekend and the first part of next week because that's when her counts will bottom out and increase the chance of infection, but we have faith that all will be well.

A few thank you's for the week; to Frank, Ann, and Heather Cox for the wonderful meal on Tuesday, and to Lisa Zeanah for the wonderful lasagna on Wednesday. We are very grateful! Also again to everyone who continues to follow and pray for us, sometimes you just feel like words are not enough when you have such gratitude to express!

Please continue to lift McKenzie up. Pray for protection from infection and for complete and total healing. Please pray for our other children that they may have understanding and security, and that they may see first hand the work and grace or our Lord. Please pray for strength for Steve and I and especially for our marriage, at a time of great crisis you hope and pray that you can be brought even closer together as husband and wife, this is our prayer! May God continue to bless each of you!

p.s. to my sweet son---I love you more than you will ever know, I hope you did good at your track meet. Memaw said that you played beautifully at your piano recital, I had no doubts. Tell Rachel I love her too, I know she doesn't ever get a chance to check this website. Mom

Carol

Wednesday, April 2, 2003 7:49 AM CST

Okay, I am officially nominating my dear husband, Steve, as Father of the Week! (father of a lifetime in our house). He, McKenzie, AND Kylie all made it home safely yesterday from Atlanta. He insists that the trip was "nothing" and that the girls did "great", but I know first hand from caring for them on a daily basis that it had to be a difficult trip to do all by himself. But, he said he was just glad he could give me this much needed rest, and it was indeed restfull and Logan and I got to spend 2 whole days together with noone else, which I know he enjoyed.

So, McKenzie did do good with chemo this round. They infused the Cytoxin over 2 hours this time and it did not cause any problems. Our Ped Onc said that McKenzie is at about 90% of her full dose on Cytoxin. On one had that scares me to death and on the other hand gives me comfort in knowing that it is almost at full potential for destroying the cancer cells!! He will continue to increase the other chemo's very slowly to decrease the potential serious side effects they have. Steve said that it didn't appear that she had any nausea. Wow, look at all those wonderful answers to prayers!!! The only thing this time was that her blood counts were pretty low, specifically her hemoglobin (which is in the red blood cells that carries oxygen to the entire body), so she required her 1st blood transfusion. But all went well with that and now she looks like she just spent a week in Hawaii, her color is so good!!

But, the BEST news of all is that we or should I say McKenzie gets a 2 week break off from chemo!!! All chemo. She usually would have to go to Albany for the next 2 weeks for Vincristine but in the protocol she will not get the Vincristine. This chemo is very neuro-toxic, so they stop it for 3 weeks to give the body a break and hopefully reduce any side effects that might be there. I feel like we are on vacation...it's great!! We are scheduled to go back to Atlanta on April 21st and at this time she will have her 1st set of scans since this all started! Pray, Pray, Pray for clear scans. I am extremely optimistic that her scans will be just fine. Dr. George said that it is very rare for this cancer to spread/continue growing during chemo, but on that note, this type of cancer can be very resistant and hard to destroy!

Thanks again to everyone who continues to pray for us, it means more than you could know!

p.s. Hi Tyler, I love you!!!

Carol

So, thank you, thank you, thank you, for all your prayers. It is more than obvious that they are working

Sunday, March 30, 2003 12:08 AM CST

Hello to everyone!

Well, tomorrow will be another "big" round of chemo in Atlanta. I am coming to really dread and even fear these chemos. I guess because of the last scare we had with McKenzie getting sick and having to be re-hospitialized. Steve will be taking McKenzie this trip so that I can have a much needed respite from the tremendous burden of having to watching your baby endure something like this. He will also be taking Kylie (he is insistant even though I have protested), so I am planning on devoting some much needed mommy time to just Logan. I am so very grateful to have such a wonderful and caring husband!!!

Please continue to lift us up in prayer. Our prayer request are:
1. Safe travel for Steve to and from Atlanta
2. Effectiveness of the chemo in ridding McKenzie's body of the cancer cells while sparing the good cells.
3. None or minimal side effects from the chemo.
4. Protection from infection
5. Strength for Steve and I
6. And of course for our President, our troops, and our Country.

Thank you and may God bless you!

Carol

Tuesday, March 25, 2003 3:55 PM CST

Praise God, we had a pretty uneventful day. We went to Albany today for Vincristine and got in and out in pretty decent time. They did increase her dose but only because of her weight. She is gaining weight so well, so thay have to at least give the appropriate dose for her weight.

So anyway, next week will be the "big one" again in Atlanta and I am not looking forward to that. This week was week 8 so only 40 more to go. It feels as though it will never end.

Thank you DeAnna for keeping Logan today! He really enjoys spending time with his "girlfriend" Olivia!!!!! Thanks to everyone who continues to remember us in prayer.

Because I know my sweetest son ever (Tyler) checks this website at school any chance he gets---- I love you more than you will ever know and I miss you so much!!!! Now get back to your school work :-)

Carol

Sunday, March 23, 2003 4:40 PM CST

Just wanted to let everyone know that McKenzie is doing so well. We are still giving her IV antibiotics here at home twice a day but other than that you can't tell there is or was anything wrong. Thanks to everyone who has been praying!

We will be going to Albany on Tuesday for Vincristine and planning on an uneventful trip!!!

As our great country is gripped in war I have to ask for a special prayer for Steve. He will be traveling to St. Louis for a conference on Wednesday of this coming week and will be gone until late Friday night so please pray for SAFE travel and a safe return for him. I truely hate when he is away from home because I could not (WOULD NOT) want to live without him!!!

I will close with one of my favorite versus and one that is very comforting to me. Also quite appropriate for what continues to go on around us.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition with Thanksgiving, present your request to God, which trancends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus".

Phil 4:6-7

Wednesday, March 19, 2003 7:17 PM CST

We are home (Thank God). We left the hospital today around 3:00pm and got home around 6:45pm. The cultures finally came back and McKenzie had E. Coli in her blood. Probably from her central line. Luckily we caught is so early and used the right anitbiotic from the start---Answered prayers without a doubt. They said that nothing could have been done to prevent this, just the nature of the beast (the chemo beast that is) so we will pray fervently in the future for protection from infection! McKenzie continues to amaze us, she is just the most precious, sweet baby ever. She is doing so well with something that most of us would probably just not be able to handle. As one lady told me this past week at the hospital about McKenzie is that she will overcome this illness and grow up to be a testiment to the magnificant grace of our God.

Thank you for all your prayers. Thank you to Angie and Rhonda (my children's mom-away-from-mom) for your dedication to our family at times when you are needed beyond belief. Thank you for caring for our children like they are your own. I hope that one day in your time of need I can be there for you like you have been for me.

Carol

Tuesday, March 18, 2003 1:03 PM CST

We are in the hospital in Atlanta. The doctors office called yesterday around 5:30pm and told us that McKenzie did have something growing in her blood and that would require her to be hospitalized. So I loaded up the suburban and headed to Atlanta. We got to the hospital around 10:30pm and sat in the ER for 3 hours waiting to be admitted. We finally got up to our room around 1:30am this morning. So far McKenzie is doing great. She doesn't have any fever and the reports from the blood culture taken last night in the ER are negative (praise God). They still want/need to keep her for a couple of days to give IV antibiotics. They will let us go once there is 24 hrs of no fever (which we have) and negative blood cultures (which we are working on). We are probably looking at getting out Thursday morning if all goes well. Please send up those prayers of healing from this infection. McKenzie will have to go home on IV antibiotics for 10 days which I will be doing! I guess in a big way I am thankful that I am an RN and can do the majority of McKenzie's care myself if needed. It does make things somewhat easier.

I guess on a selfish note I am going to ask for specific prayers for myself right now as the magnitude and uncertainty of McKenzie's illness seems at times to be so overwhelming and unbearable. Please pray for strength for me (and Steve) so that we can continue to give of ourselves to care for McKenzie and our other 4 children. Thank you!

I will keep updating as things change! May God continue to bless you.

Carol

Monday, March 17, 2003 4:08 PM CST

Well, we spent most of the night and early morning in the ER last night. It was a real strange chain of events. We got the girls ready for bed and went to put them to sleep around 10:00. This was the first night that they would be sleeping in their own room in their big cribs (they have been in our room in bassinets). Logan finally moved over to his "big boy bed" tonight and he did so good!!! Anyway, Kylie obviously wasn't liking the move as she screamed and fussed for about 15 minutes. The last time I went in to check on her, McKenzie was in her bed and she was grunting and breathing real fast. She just didn't look right so I got her and took her to our room. Within 5 minutes she went from no fever to a temp of 102. I called the Ped Onc and our pediatrician who met us up at the ER. They drew blood for her counts and a blood culture and then started her on Rocephin which is an antibiotic. Thankfully, her counts have not dropped yet but seeing how today is day 7 from her last big chemo they should be starting to drop in the next 2-3 days. We are waiting on blood culture results to make sure there is nothing in her blood. Please pray that her cultures are clear and this was just a fever of unknown origin??? If something shows up we will be packing a bag for Atlanta. They can't risk any infection in her because she is so young especially if she is approaching neutropenia (low counts).

Carol

Saturday, March 15, 2003 11:33 AM CST

Just thought I'd update real quick. McKenzie is doing much better. It probably took her a good 2 days to completely recover from this round but by Thursday she was fine! She is so strong and so resilient. Her counts should be on the downhill by Monday and should bottom out by about Wednesday or Thursday! Please pray that she doesn't get ANY type of infection during this time! We began the Neupogen shots on Thursday so this will start helping her bone marrow for the upcoming drop!

We will be going to Albany on Tuesday for Vincristine. Hopefully we can get in and out with out much of wait!

Thank you's to everyone who continues to pray for our family. For it is because of your prayers and God's magnificant grace that continue to help us to deal with McKenzie's illness.

Carol

Wednesday, March 12, 2003 9:57 AM CST

Well, it was a long and exhausting trip. McKenzie had a really rough time of it this go-round. They are still trying to increase her chemo doses to get her up to a therapeutic level. He increased her Cytoxin again this time and it was VERY hard on her. They finally got the chemo going around 10:00pm. She screamed for about 2 hours. We could not figure out what was wrong with her. FINALLY, I got the nurse to get in there and give her some more medicine. It took the medicine about 30 minutes to get her calm down and relax enough to go to sleep. She slept fairly well thru the night. The nurses were in about every 30min-1 hour giving meds and drawing blood. The next morning is when the nausea hit her and she would try to throw up periodically. It was so very sad and hard to watch your precious little baby suffer. I felt so helpless.

When we talked to the Dr. the next morning about the crying he said that maybe the Cytoxan went in too fast. It was infused in about 30 minutes,so he said next time we would put it in over a longer time. It said the Cytoxan was known to cause severe nasal and perirectal burning???? What ever it causes, McKenzie was miserable.

As of today, she is much better. I have been keeping her medicated around the clock for nausea. I can't stand to see her trying to throw up.

I have to add my thank you's....Again to Rhonda and Celina for keeping Kylie and Logan. I wished I could express my gratitude. Also to Beth Stripling, Jane Holman, Tiffany Vereen, and Lisa Hoes for all the WONDERFUL food that you brought for our family yesterday...We had so much great food, it should last us for a couple of days. May God bless each and everyone of you!!!!!

Carol

Sunday, March 9, 2003 10:08 PM CST

We will be going to Atlanta in the morning for her next big round of chemo. We will be staying overnight as this requires her to be "super" hydrated and they will have to give her different medicine's round the clock. Rachel will be going with me so it will be a good chance to spend some time with her, please pray for our time together. On a very positive note Rachel had tryouts for cheerleader this past Thursday for next years squad for 7th & 8th grade (she will be in 7th) and guess what.... she MADE IT!!!!! We are so proud and excited for her!!!

We want to thank Rhonda and Celina in advance as they will be caring for Kylie and Logan this time. I cannot express my gratitude enough to you guys!

Please continue to lift McKenzie and our family up in prayer. Specifically, for safe travel for me, Rachel, and McKenzie tomorrow. Please continue to pray for the effectiveness of the chemo in ridding McKenzie's body of the cancer cells, while sparing her good cells. Please pray that she have minimal if any side effects from the chemo. I ask that he continue to bless all of you that continue to follow. It is so evident how God uses people to hold our arms up for us when we are weak. We thank God for all of you as you help carry our family through this very difficult period.

I have added a new picture of the girls, check it out as it is soooo cute!

Carol

Tuesday, March 4, 2003 10:20 PM CST

We went to Albany today for Vincristine. McKenzie did so good. She is so very strong!! She just amazes us. Her blood counts looked GREAT (Thank you Lord). She has been getting Neupogen which is a granulocyte stimulating factor, in short, it helps her bone marrow to speed up the process of getting the immature white cells (the ones that fight infection for our body) to mature so that they are capable of fighting infection. The bad news about the Neupogen is that it requires McKenzie to have to get a shot EVERY night for 2 week intervals. After she gets her big chemo in Atlanta, we start the Neupogen and it continues for approx. 2 weeks or until her counts are up and she is past the point where they have bottomed out. Which during this past round was today. She is 14 days out from her last big Chemo and so her counts have already dropped off and are now on there way back up and the Neupogen has given them that swift kick to the posterior!!! So we got to stop the Neupogen for now and it will all start over again when she goes to Atlanta on Monday! The shots suck mainly for her but as parents we are the ones who give it and have to watch her cry and be in pain so it pretty much sucks for us too. But the payoff is that this medicine shortens her window of time that she is suseptible to a life threatening infection. I suppose a worth while trade!!!

Anyway, thank you's to everyone who continues to lift our family up in prayer everyday. And for the love and support that is just surrounding us. We feel so blessed!!

Please don't forget to sign the guest book, I check it everyday as it give me encouragement to see all those who have been touched by our ordeal.

Carol

Wednesday, February 26, 2003 9:21 AM CST

McKenzie went for Chemo yesterday and it was a very long day. We went to Albany and got there about 10:00am and didn't get out of there until almost 2:30pm. Needless to say we were ALL fussy!!! But she did fine. She just gets the Vincristine on these days and it doesn't cause much in the way of side effects. Her blood counts looked great, but we are expecting them to be dropping off in about 3-4 days so please continue to pray that she doesn't get any type of infection during this period. It would be something extremely serious because her body will not have the ability to fight it.

As for the rest of our family, Logan has just gotten over a sinus infection and fevers of 102-103. Tyler and Rachel will be here on March 7th for the week so we are very, very excited. We miss them beyond belief. Please keep them in your prayer also. Steve's parents will also be here the weekend of March 7th, and we are really excited about seeing them. Steve, Tyler, Roy (his brother-in-law), and Steve's dad have a hog hunt and quail hunt planned for that weekend so it should be a really nice and relaxing time for Steve. He needs to get out and "away" even if it's just for the day and have some fun. He deserves it!!!

Well, thats our update for now. Please keep those prayers coming for our little Angel. And may you continue to be blessed also.

Carol

Wednesday, February 19, 2003 9:23 AM CST

Well, we got home last night from Atlanta. We had a pretty good trip considering. We got to the hospital around 1:30 on Monday afternoon and they got her hooked up to the IV fluids around 2:00. She gets 2 hours of super-hydration prior to chemo. Right now McKenzie is at about 50% of her doses in chemo. So since she has done so good so far they wanted to try and increase her dose. They increased the Cytoxin to 75% and she handled it so-so. She seemed to have gotten pretty nauseated as she was VERY fussy and was spitting up a lot. She was also not interested in eating which is not like her at all!!! (She is a little piggy!!!!) So the nurses gave her some more medicine and after that she was better. The hardest part is not knowing what is wrong because she is too little to tell us so we just have to kind of guess. I have decided that if she is fussy and not acting herself I am going to assume she is hurting or in pain and medicate her that way. I just cannot stand the thought of her hurting. So, the goal is to slowly increase her chemo until she is at 100% so that we will have the best chance at fighting and BEATING this terrible disease. We just have to continue to monitor her response to the chemo so it doesn't get too toxic for her body to handle.

I wanted to say a special thank you to Rhonda Dunn who kept Logan and Kylie this time while we were gone. Although Kylie is spoiled ROTTEN now, we know that they were in such good hands. We feel so blessed to have such wonderful people in our lives.

We continue to lift McKenzie up in prayer and pray that the chemo is effective in ridding her body of the cancer cells while sparing her good cells.

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose"
Romans 8:28

Carol

Thursday, February 13, 2003 9:08 AM CST

McKenzie continues to do so well. She has acted a little funny about her incision site. It seems to bother her because if I touch it or anywhere below it she really cries like she is in a lot of pain (Well, stop touching it!!!) We will ask the surgeon about it on Monday. Speaking of Monday, we will be going back to Atlanta for our next round of Chemo. This will be the "big" one. They will be giving her all 3 of the chemo agents so we will have an overnight stay in the hospital. I am VERY nervous about this. She did so good with the first one so I hope this will be the same. They say as she progresses in treatment the chemo will start to have a cumulative effect on her. As to what that means in regards to side effects I don't know. I do know that her bone marrow and body will start to get really weakened and tired and it will be more difficult for it to regenerate itself each time. Hopefully this won't be too much of a problem because if her blood counts are not where they need to be this will delay chemo.

So, our prayer requests are that the chemo is effective in ridding her body of the cancer cells while sparing her good cells, that she have no side effects from the chemo, safe travel for us to Atlanta on Monday, that God comfort Kylie and especially Logan while we are gone because they don't understand why we go "away", that God continue to give Steve and I the strength (both emotional and physical) to get thru this very difficult time, that we all are able to feel God's love for us at all times, and that He bless everyone that continues to walk with us on this journey.

Carol

Friday, February 7, 2003 6:54 PM CST

McKenzie went for her 3rd round of chemo today (just the vincristine). Her blood counts look great!!!! She continues to hold her own as far as the blood counts go and that is definitely an answer to prayers. It also seems that she is not having any side effects from the chemo so I could not ask for anything more! I still continue to fight tremendous anxiety/fear about this chemo but I know that it is needed to get rid of this terrible cancer.

On a different note, I am just overwhelmed by the prayers and thoughts and support that is just pouring in. I am DEEPLY touched by everyone that has visited this website and signed the guest book with words of love and encouragement. I may NEVER ever know the reasons that McKenzie got cancer but I DO know that even through this horrible time, God's grace is at work! Things like this really give you a different perspective on what is important in life and what isn't!

Our prayer requests are that the chemo is effective in ridding the cancer cells, that McKenzie continues to have no side effects, that God continue to help Logan understand this very difficult time in all of our lives, that He bless Tyler and Rachel and give them peace during this time especially because they can't be here right now and are worried about McKenzie, and that He bless everyone who is praying and thinking about our family.

Friday, January 31, 2003

McKenzie continues to do so good. Just by looking at her you could NEVER tell that anything was wrong. The Lord has been answering soooo many prayers, it you have any doubt then you need to come by and look at McKenzie. I know that He is the one that holds her in His arms everyday.

She had her 2nd round of chemo today in Albany and it went so well. They are wonderful over there at the Cancer Center in Pheobe. We are so grateful that they agreed to do this for McKenzie as I cound not imagine having to go to Atlanta EVERY week. Her blood counts are starting to fall dramatically which means she is about to be in a critical point of her therapy where she will be prone to infection. Please pray that her body is able to fight off infection and that God continue to give her the strength she needs to fight this fight!

Carol

Saturday, January 25, 2003

We get to go home today! Yeah!!! McKenzie did so good with her induction chemo last night. She didn't have any adverse reactions or any side effects for that fact. She is so unbeliveably strong.

Briefly I will explain what her course of therapy will be like and what it will entail for us. I will probably only update as needed or when anything happens, otherwise you can just assume that all is well. (hopefully, there won't be much posts huh?)

She will be on a regimen of Vincristine, Actinomycin-D, and Cytoxan. (this is what she just got last night). Her course is 48 weeks. Each have their own set of side effects and problems that they cause. She will get chemo one day a week for the next 48 weeks and basically they will be in rounda of 3 and go like this:

week 0: Vincristine, Actinomycin-D, Cytoxan (VAC)(Atlanta)
week 1: Vincristine (In Albany)
Week 2: Vincristine (In Albany)

week 3: VAC (In Atlanta-requires an overnight in Hosp.)
week 4: Vincristine (Albany)
week 5: Vincristine (Albany)

Etc.....So every third week we will have to go to Atlanta for the other drugs and an overnight because she needs to have IV fluids and some other meds that help prevent side effects from the chemo.

Along with all of that, there are things that I will be doing at home for her weekly like central line maintenance, blood draws, preventative medicine etc....

The BIGGEST concern for McKenzie during treatment is probably infection. The chemo will cause her blood counts to "bottom out" which will put her at a very high risk of getting a life threatening infection. They consider fever to be a medical emergency and any fever or infection will probably result in a hospital admission. So basically that is it. We have just begun the journey of a lifetime!! It is my hope that each of you are able to walk along side us during this journey...It seems to be a very lonely road.

Carol

Friday, January 24, 2003

6:00pm
Thank you Lord!!! All of the test have come back negative for metatisis. We caught this horrible monster before it had a chance to spread. The only thing that came back was a tiny "spot" on one of her left ribs but the dr is not at all concerned and said that we will just "watch" it. He felt it might just be where pressure was placed on that side during surgery or something.

11:00pm
Well, I never thought that anything would be more difficult than what we have already been through but as I sat and watched the chemo go into McKenzie it was the worst thing so far in this whole ordeal. I hate this whole thing, I want to just wake up and it not be real!

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose"

Romans 8:28

Friday, January 24, 2003

McKenzie continues to recover. She is doing so good (an answer to many prayers). She will go for her bone scan today at 1:00 and if all looks well we will probably start chemo this afternoon.

I have such anxiety today about starting chemo. I don't know if it because that will make this so much more real or what. I hate the thought of that "poison" going into her precious little body even though I know it will get rid of the cancer cells. It is just so scarey to think about. Anyway, back to more positive thoughts.....Still cannot begin to thank everyone for the tremendous amount of support. Steve and I are just in awe of everyone that has rallied around us and I tell you that I think it is literally what is holding us together right now. Again, Rhonda, Anjee, Celina, Jennifer, and Deanna....You have given us such peace in knowing that Logan and Kylie are in such good and LOVING hands as we are able to focus all our attention on McKenzie. Thank you just seems so inadequate.

Please continue to pray that the test come back negative, that McKenzie continues to heal, that the chemo is effective in ridding her body of the cancer cells while sparing her good cells, and that she have minimal if any side effects.

Thursday, January 23, 2003

Well, our day has started very early. We had to be at the hospital at 8:45 to get McKenzie ready for surgery. Of course most of the time was spent waiting which I have decided is what we will be doing most of. All the paper work has been done and Dr.s have been by and they finally came and got her about 12:30. Again, letting her go was so scarey. This will be her 2nd major operation and she is only 4 months old. It just breaks my heart. The talks are to start chemo either tomorrow or Saturday depending how McKenzie does in surgery and depending on the tests to make sure the cancer has not spread.

McKenzie did wonderful in surgery. It took about 1 1/2 hours and she came up to us in the room where she will continue to recover. She will get a bone scan tomorrow and then that should be it for the test. We will be discussing chemo today.

Please pray that all the test come back negative. Please pray for wisdom and discernment for our Ped Onc so that he can provide the best treatment options possible for her. And most of all continue to lift McKenzie up.

Carol

Tuesday, January 21, 2003

Well, we finally got the call. My precious baby girl has cancer. She offically has Embryonal Rhabdomyosarcoma. I just sit here in disbelief and denial. How could this be?? She is only 3 months old???

We have to be in Atlanta on Thurs for more surgery and more tests. She is scheduled for surgery for central line placement, bone marrow biopsy, and lumbar puncture at 11:45am. She will also need a bone scan on Friday. We have to be at the hospital at 8:45 to start getting her ready. Steve and I have decided to go up tomorrow (Wed) so that we won't have to leave so early Thursday morning and be so tired. I just can't believe this, its like a bad dream.

I just pray that McKenzie comes thru surgery safely and that all the tests come back negative.

Sunday, January 19, 2003

We are going home----YEAH!!!!!!!

McKenzie has done so well. We still do not know anything about the pathology but they will call us as soon as they know something. Dr. Rapkin came in today to talk to us. He is one of the solid tumor oncologist (the other is Dr. George). After much pushing on my part he finally told us that when he called down to talk to the Pathologist he kind of pushed them for a "prelimanary" diagnosis or at least what they were leaning towards and they said that they are leaning towards Rhabdomyosarcoma. It is a malignancy that arises from the muscles. It is what I have been suspecting too, but as he added it could still come back benign.

Sunday, January 18, 2003

As a side note, when I was posting yesterday's journal entry I tried to go back and edit it to add something but it wouldn't let me so I will add it here, I also wanted to thank Jennifer Williams who has also selflessly volunteered to help in anyway and has kept Logan this go round---Thanks Jennifer!!!

McKenzie continues to heal, she is doing so good. She is a strong little girl. She hasn't hardly needed any pain medication today. Hopefully we can go home tomorrow. Talks still continue to be directed towards cancer and chemo but then they tell me to be optimistic because it can still come back benign! The waiting is the HARDEST part. I would just rather know what we are dealing with and start trying to deal with it than sit here in this world of the unknown, it is killing us. One minute I'm sure it is benign and the next I'm talking as if we already know she has cancer.

We pray that 1) the tumor is benign, 2) that McKenzie continues to heal, 3) that God provides Logan with comfort during a time where he cannot understand or process what is going on, 4) and that he bless all the people who have been touched and involved in this trying time in our life.

Friday, January 17, 2003

Today McKenzie is slowly recovering from her surgery. Dr. Brand came by to check on her and talk to us. He said the surgery was pretty extensive, even more so than he thought it would be. The tumor stretched from the bottom of her 12th rib (through the muscleculature) to the top of her right hip bone. It was also pressing up on her right kidney and was big enough to push out her back. Dr. Brand was happy with the way the surgery went. He said it was successful in that he was able to completely remove all of the tumor. I continued to pressure him to tell us what he thought it was. At first he said when he saw the tumor it looked like a neuroblastoma but then he quickly determined it wasn't. As for that that is about all he would say. They did do a frozen section during the operation which should be able to tell right away if it is either benign or malignant but wouldn't you know they weren't sure. The only thing they were positive about was that the cells of the tumor were "spindle cells". It would be next week before we would have final pathology and until then we would not know. Obviously they felt (as I did too) that we were dealing with something malignant because our talks started to focus on chemo.

We are just thankful right now that she made it thru surgery and she is healing. We are also thankful for everyone in Moultrie who is praying, and for Rhonda, Deanna, and Anjee who are helping with our other children, and providing tremendous support to Steve and I.

Thursday, January 16, 2003

Surgery Day!!

We would be a work-in to the surgery schedule so we weren't sure as to what time. They stopped letting McKenzie eat at around 5:00am so as you can probably guess by the time they took her to surgery we had one STARVING baby on our hands. She is such an angel though because she really didn't fuss too bad. Rhonda and Deanna (friends of ours from here) came up to be with us and to tend to Kylie so that when McKenzie was done we could focus on her (that was such a wonderful thing that they did!). Finally, they came for McKenzie at about 5:30pm so Steve and I walked her down to the OR. I cannot begin to tell you how hard it was to give her to the OR nurse and watch her walk away with my precious baby.

We got periodic updates thru out surgery and she sailed thru surgery (thank-you Lord). She got back up to us at about 9:00pm. Her little face was so swollen from all the fluids and off and on she would wake up and cry out. For the most part she slept the whole night. I requested morphine periodically thru out the night so that she wouldn't hurt.

Wednesday, January 15, 2003

Today we are scheduled for a CT scan of the chest, abdomen, and pelvis. We are meeting with Dr. Bergsagel at 4:00pm. The CT scan is scheduled for 3:00pm. We are to register at 12:30 and then starting at 1:00pm, McKenzie will start to be prepared for the CT scan. She will have to drink the oral contrast over a 2 hour period then have the scans. She did great drinking the contrast. They had to start an IV so that her next set of scans they could give her IV contrast. As expected she hated that. They thought they would have to sedate her for the process but poor little thing she fell asleep and layed still for all the scans so we were glad they didn't have to sedate her.

By the time the scans were done it was time for our appt. so they called the dr and he said he would just meet us up at the hospital to discuss what is going on. He got there within about 30 min and was really very optimistic that it was a benign mass. Regardless, we all were in agreement that it needed to be removed so we were admitted that day for surgery the following day. We met with Dr. Brand the pediatric surgeon that evening and he discussed what would be done. I pushed him for his opinion but he wouldn't budge as to whether he thought it was benign or malignant. Steve and I were extremely worried, one that she even had to have surgery and be put to sleep, but mainly that it would come back as cancer. We held (me not to good) strong to Dr. Bergsagel's optimism.

Monday, January 13, 2003

Oh, it took forever for Monday to get here. I worried all weekend. Dr. Mark Blanchard did her ultrasound. Immediately we were able to tell that the mass was not a cyst that it in fact was something solid (another notch in my fear belt). It did not appear to be attached to the kidney which was a big concern going into this. They could not tell though if it was in her muscle or attached to the abdominal wall and he said that the only way to tell that would be a CT scan. He did say that he did not like the looks of the mass and that it didn't "look" good??? He explained that either way she would probably need to go to a children's hospital because the tumor was pushing up on her kidney and was obvioulsy growing and getting bigger. So whatever it was it needed to come out. He said that where ever we go they will want to do their own scans so there was no since in doing them here. I agreed. He called Dr. Melaine and sent me right back over to her office so that they could refer us to a children's hospital.

When I got over to the office Dr. Melaine looked very worried and did say that Dr. Blanchard told her it didn't look good. We didn't discuss "cancer" in any detail but she mentioned a few possibilities that it could be; neuroblastoma or rhabdomyosarcoma. She refered us to Dr. Bergsagel at Children's in Atlanta. He is a pediatric oncologist and we were going to the cancer center. Everyone kept telling me that it could very well be nothing but the whole time I was thinking then why are we going to see an oncologist??? Our appt was scheduled for Wednesday 1-15-03. Dr. Bergsagel said that this sounded pretty urgent and that