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Ethan Christopher Alain
April 27, 2001 – August 03, 2005
Isaiah 41:10
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Ethan was a very joyful and resilient child who never gave up and continued to press on no matter the circumstances. Ethan was diagnosed with Stage III Wilms Tumor on February 27, 2004. His precious smile left this earth on August, 03 2005 and he is now running and dancing in heaven.
Journal
Sunday, September 11, 2005 9:27 PM CDT
Trying to find our new normal.
It has taken me over one month to come up with the strength and words for this last entry in Ethan’s Hanger. I have had wanted to update the site on many occasions, but struggled each time with the right words to say after Ethan’s passing. As I write at this time it is still difficult to put in words the sense of loss and void in our hearts that we are experiencing. In fact, there is a good chance that this writing will take several attempts as I still search for the appropriate thoughts to share at this time.
Cancer was always something that happened to someone else until we personally encountered this horrible disease in Ethan’s life. Living life with cancer is like driving on a strange and unknown highway in the early morning fog. You are tired and weary and keep pressing forward with confidence and hope, but never really know what lies just beyond the next turn. In the same light, the loss of a child is something that we would occasionally hear about, but it never seemed like an option for our family. We never gave up hope that Ethan’s life would be spared and that he would live a full and rich life on this earth. It wasn’t until the reality of his last relapse that we contemplated that Ethan’s time on this earth could possibly be so short.
The hours and days following Ethan’s death continue to be somewhat surreal and our home is not the same without the laughter and giggles of Big E. We deeply miss having his joy fill our home and lives. The list of things we miss seems never ending and we many times yearn to rock him once more, to hold his hand while walking, to kiss his smooth cheeks, to take him on bike and jeep rides, to hear his little voice telling of the days adventures, and to look into those big brown eyes.
It is definitely not the same being a family of four and there are times when it seems that it will never be right. It has been a tremendous adjustment to ask for a restaurant table for four, attending church and not going down the pre-school hall, and going on any family outing without Ethan. I guess that it’s not supposed to feel right and may always seem like we have lost a part of who we are as parents. At the same time, we are very thankful to have Ryan and Haley carry on Ethan’s joy and outlook on life that only a child could present. They bring so much love and life to our family and we know that a part of Ethan will always be evident in their lives.
We know that we were given the pleasure of experiencing Ethan on this earth for a reason and that the impact he made on so many people in such a short time is far reaching. We continue to receive encouragement from people who have taken inventory of their life and relationships because of Ethan’s struggle. A good friend of mine recently told me that he is a better dad because of Ethan’s life and the way Julie and I intentionally live life with our children. All of this helps and gives us a glimpse of why Ethan had to travel such a difficult road.
I do want to take the opportunity to thank everyone who supported us through prayers, meals, financially, and emotionally. Our family has constantly been encouraged by everyone’s genuine acts of service. It was amazing how many things were automatically taken care of over the last 18 months. The grass was always mowed, the meals showed up like clockwork, the house was kept clean, and the list goes on and on. Julie and I were humbled by how much God provided through the people who intentionally served our family. I also want to say a special thanks to all of the ladies who have reached out to Julie during the quiet times of the day. I know that the house is quiet when I’m off to work and the kids are at school. It is during these times when the memories of Ethan are the strongest and it has helped for her to keep somewhat occupied.
Our hearts are still heavy and go out to our friends who are faced with the daily reality of childhood cancer. These parents along with their children are the real heroes and deserve our constant prayers and support. I encourage everyone reading this message to somehow make a difference in the lives of those children still battling this disease. Our family recently adopted a motto that we heard during a message by Pastor Randy at church. It goes like this – Love is Action. It is a simple principle that leads us to not only have care and compassion for those in need, but to act on our love for people through real and practical methods. There are many ways that you can help kid’s today win the battle of cancer. We believe that winning the battle isn’t always about life and death, but about the journey in between. You can contribute financially to organizations such as CureSearch (http://www.curesearch.org/) where research and development of new treatments is a primary focus. You can also make monetary contributions and personally volunteer with organizations such as The Lighthouse Family Retreat (http://www.lighthousefamilyretreat.org/) where the focus is on healing the emotional well being of the entire family. We can personally attest to how much the Lighthouse provided an incredible time at the beach where we could have fun as a family. In fact, our week at the Lighthouse Retreat was really Ethan’s last great week and we are grateful for the time we had away as a family. One additional way of helping families who are living life with cancer is through supporting organizations that provide the physical needs while patients are in the hospital for extended times. We were personally touched by the compassion and many wonderful meals from Angels In Atlanta (http://www.angelsinatlanta.org/) while going through the many long days of transplant. They not only provided a smile and word of encouragement, but hot food that always seemed to come at just the right time.
So, remember, Love is Action!
We know that we can’t live in the past and that reality demands that we move on and live life to the fullest. It is truly hard to wake each day and know that Ethan’s joy and laughter will never again fill our house. However, we do know that God will use each new day as a means for healing and mending of our family. It is our prayer that each person reading this entry takes an intentional look at their relationship with God and with their family and friends, and strives to love like never before. Our family learned first hand that the days we are given on this earth are not known and that we should live and love like each day is our last.
A friend of ours whose family personally understands the impact of childhood cancer once described finding your new normal after being impacted by cancer. It was a tremendous illustration of how our lives are like a beautiful portrait until one day cancer tears through the canvas of our lives. It is at this time that the familiar way of life is gone and that we must strive to find a new normal. After Ethan was diagnosed our family portrait was definitely torn by cancer and we had to find a new normal down a path never traveled. However, we took the journey of cancer one day at a time, placing one foot in front of the other. We now have a new portrait hanging on the walls of our life. It is a portrait once again torn and we now find ourselves trying to find our new normal. We don’t know what it looks like or even when it will come. However, we know that it is out there and embrace what the future holds for our family.
In Christ,
Chris Alain
Read Journal History
Links: The Lighthouse Family Retreat
Cure Search
Angels in Atlanta
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