Journal

Wednesday, March 11, 2009 6:21 PM CDT

Dear Friends-

I have decided that it’s time to make a final entry on Ryan’s CaringBridge site. It’s been 5 years since Ryan died, and I feel that I need this closure to continue living my life in the healthiest way possible.

First, a few paragraphs from “the beginning” written by Mr. Robert Ryan Petrek:

"On a sunny summer afternoon in 1993 I was told that I was going to have to attend a summer band camp. I protested to the whole idea of wasting my time at a band camp, but my mother insisted it would help me become a better musician. In this case it seemed that mother knew best. At the time I thought this was the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to me, but it ended up being the most significant week of my life to date.
The week at band camp started out dreadfully as expected. We had musical auditions to find out what band we were to be placed in. I was a pretty good trumpet player, so I ended up in the top band. I was excited to be in the top band and as soon as I called my parents I told them of my recent success. I made sure I told them with as little enthusiasm as possible because I didn’t want to hint that I might be having a good time.
The night before the concert was the formal dance. All of the band campers including myself were pretty sad that the week was coming to an end. I was determined to have a good time at this dance though. During the dance I met a very sweet girl named Laura Ladd.
We danced a little bit and got to know each other better as the dance went on. Laura mentioned that she had seen me before dancing in my dorm room window in my boxer shorts. At first I was a little embarrassed, but I soon got over it. She was a very cute girl with frizzy hair and she wore big glasses that looked kind of funny, but she was still very sweet. After the dance was over I gave her a hug good night and went back to my dorm room. I would have never thought that this was the beginning of a very long and wonderful relationship.
Before we went home the next day, I called over to her dorm room. As she was getting ready to leave to go home I got her address and phone number. She seemed a little excited and we agreed that we would try and see each other again sometime.
Since that week in July 1993 I have seen Laura quite a bit. Even though I moved to Florida in 1995 it didn’t make any change in our feelings towards each other. I had the privilege of attending both her Junior and Senior Proms during High School. Ever since our Junior Prom, Laura and I have found a way to see each other about ever month or so.
During Labor Day weekend I flew up to see Laura at her new college. Her father met me at the airport and gave me his Mustang to drive up and see Laura at Purdue University. On September 4th, 1999 I asked Laura to get dressed up, and I mentioned that I wanted to take her out for dinner. She had some of her friends on her dorm floor help her get all dressed up to go out for the night. I placed a little blind fold over her eyes so that the restaurant would be a surprise. Around 8:30pm I got to the French restaurant, (this was the first place I had ever kissed her) and walked her inside.
When we got to our table the Maitre-De summoned the violin player to come over to where we were seated. When the violin player came to the table he started playing Pachelbel Cannon. I removed the blind fold from Laura’s eyes and got down on my knee. I asked Laura to marry me and she accepted."

And some beautiful words by Rev. Bushong said during Ryan’s funeral service:

“If Ryan were here in a physical way and could stand in front of all of us and say something to us, first I believe he would embrace the pain of the moment. He didn’t want to leave Laura and his family. He loved sharing life with them. He fought for three years to hang on to that life. It just wouldn’t be honest not to say that he had sadness about leaving them. There’s no question about that.
At the same time, there was a spiritual depth to Ryan that was remarkable – and very real. Ryan never questioned “Why?” about all this. There was no hint of anger or hopelessness. He was not afraid of dying. And Ryan knew that somehow God would use even this – even his illness and his premature death – to God’s glory. That was simply part of the content of Ryan’s faith.
That’s not to say that the grief doesn’t remain for those who are left behind. Certainly it does. There’s no denying the sadness. There’s no getting around the sense of loss. It’s a time of ambivalence, a time of mixed feelings and emotions. All that has been done, all that might have been done flash before us, and we feel at the same time such conflicting emotions as sorrow and joy, dismay and peace, sadness and hope.
But for the one who has gone on – for Ryan – life becomes that experience that is lived within the fullness of the love of God through Jesus Christ. It is life eternal that is ruled solely and completely by the gentle and loving compassion of God. There is no illness, there is no death, there is no pain, and there are no tears.
And one day, my friends – one day, through the gracious love of God in Jesus Christ – one day we shall all meet again.
In the meantime, don’t ever forget those three words: Love never ends.”


So many wonderful, caring and knowledgeable people have loved and supported me in this journey of life and death.

To my family: Mom, Dad, Maggie, Bob, Susan, James and many grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, extended family members and friends. Thank you for being there to hold our hands, for answering phone calls at any time of day, for cooking and cleaning, for always being at our doorsteps in a moment’s notice, for sending cards and words of encouragement, for praying, and for always believing. Thank you for continuing to remember Ryan. Please do not be apprehensive to speak his name, or share your memories of him with me. I’ve learned that memories will be in our hearts forever.

To my sweetheart, Joel: Thank you for teaching my broken heart to open and love again. Thank you for allowing me to cry freely many nights, for being so patient and for believing in my own strength when I simply could not. Thank you for acknowledging my past life journey, for enjoying each present moment, and for brightly lighting my future.

To the wonderful doctors, nurses and medical personnel: Thank you for educating us, for working diligently to save Ryan’s life, and for ever so gently guiding us on his journey towards the light. The hospital became my home, and because of you medical professionals, I’ve chosen to continue “living” and learning in the medical world. Bless you bone marrow transplant nurses, you are angels.

To the brave patients and caregivers: Thank you for hours of conversation, late night hugs in the family kitchen/lounge, prayers, cards and lasting friendships. Your spirits are simply amazing!

To Jay and Jennifer: God placed you both in my life for very special reasons. I love you.

To my CaringBridge family: Thanks you for your continued support, for each and every one of your guestbook entries and for the goodness that lives in your hearts. Please know that my e-mail remains open for communication.

To Ryan’s two bone marrow/stem cell donors: Thank you for the unselfish act of donating your cells to a complete stranger. I will never meet either one of you. However, because of you, Ryan was given more time, more precious moments in which to make memories. Thank you for your decisions. I am, and will always be, eternally grateful for each of you.

To my love, Ryan: How do I put into words my feelings for you? You were my light, my love, my world. I miss you so much, but I am okay because I know that in the blink of an eye my soul will again be reunited with yours in heaven. I am so very blessed to have been loved by you. Thank you so much for choosing me, for teaching me, and for loving me. I love you babydoll, forever.

Love and Blessings,
Laura Marie

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Current E-Mail: ladd.laura@gmail.com

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