Journal History

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Sunday, December 31, 2006 10:50 PM CST

Happy New Year! 2007-Amazing, another year is behind us, another year lies ahead of us...

Some say that what you are doing at midnight, and who you are with at that time, sets the tone for the entire new year. Well, if that is the case, it will be a very quiet, thought-filled year for my life. I sit here in the quiet of an empty house. In the solitude of my home, I hear the sounds of the fireworks that people are sending off into the night and see the illumination of an almost full moon.

I have spent this night with Angel the family dog. I do not remember the last time I was alone on a New Year's Eve...I believe it was when I was a teenager.

All is well.

Strangely enough, I am glad to be alone with my thoughts and memories. I have come to the realization that time alone is a good thing. Just before Christmas I became very ill. I spent days in bed with fever and was very sick. This brief illness zapped me of all my energy and the time lost really left me feeling so empty as Christmas approached. I lost all the time I had carefully planned to do the favorite things I enjoy doing before Christmas.

We had a lovely Christmas in spite of my lack of preparation. I realized as Christmas rapidly came and went that I was very, very deeply sad-I was depressed. This year's holiday brought out a sadness for the loss of life and family that I have suffered. The pain of missing Robert left a huge hole in my heart. This came on during my days being sick in bed. I found my mind reliving the last days of his life as fever ravaged his failing body. It was awful knowing how tortured he was...

Then back to work the last days before break. School was a saving grace. The children were so excited for Christmas. A co-worker said something that I have not shaken yet...she said to me, "at least you had a chance to say good-bye to your son..." As the words came from her mouth I found myself speechless. At least I had a chance to say good-bye?...I did not realize that is what I was supposed to do with the time I shared with Robert those last days.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. I have never said good-bye to my son...I let him go, watched him suffer and die before my eyes, but say good-bye, that I did not do. I have not said good-bye all of these years since his death. This too I realized the day before Christmas.

Matthew came into my bedroom to give me a hug good-bye. He was exuberant knowing Christmas was coming and he was on vacation from school. He came in to say "bye Mom!" and give me a hug. He wrapped his arms around my waist and held me tight. In that moment I closed my eyes and felt his hug, really felt the embrace of my son. In that moment I realized for a split second I paused and was not hugging my son Matthew, but hugging my son Robert...it had been over 4 years since I felt the embrace of my son. I squeezed Matthew and for that moment in time I stood there and let myself imagine I was holding on to Robert. As I touched the top of Matt's head and kissed him on the head I realized it was him and not Robert I was hugging. The texture of his hair and smell jolted me from that moment of hugging Robert-my eyes welled up with tears and I began to cry. Matthew looked at me, he smiled, he knew. He felt it too.

He is now the age Robert was when he became sick. Matthew is now taking on the form of his older brother and reminding me of my son from days gone by. I cherished that moment in time as he let me hug him and remember his brother. He hugged me tight again...and looked up into my face to see if my tears were still flowing. I openly cried several times for Robert during Christmas.

I, for the first time in 4 years, was allowing myself to say good-bye to Robert. Now, in saying good-bye I am hoping to learn to live again, and continue to carry him along and keep him with me however I need to go on without him.

Tonight as I walked around the neighborhood listening to the sounds of people celebrating a new year, I thought about death and loss. I thought that at least with death it is final. You have no choice but to realize that the person who has died will never return. There are no more chances, no more dreams, hopes, no more planning, saving, fighting for...it is finished when death comes. Everything is buried the body literally becomes only a memory and we are forced into the reality of really living...

We can choose to ignore this fact of course. We can choose to not realize that death is the final piece to the puzzle of someone's life. It is our job to live and get up and move along. Death has done its job; dead is dead-there are no second chances, we do not get to resurrect anything; only ourselves.

Shall we fight to keep that which is alive in our lives while we still have a chance? That is truly the question...we, are among the living. We are alive-we may be miserable, lonely, unhappy, fat, addicted, lost and completely empty-BUT, we are alive!

So, once again, how shall we live? How shall we choose to embrace every day, every moment, every milestone...even if we find ourselves completely alone on New Year's Ever? How shall we live...?

A new year...we all have a new year in front of us. How shall we choose to live it?

Be happy, look and see how full your life is, instead of how empty you are feeling. Put to rest that which is dead so that life does not pass you by...

Yes, I am speaking to myself. It is not easy, living is not easy. Life is hard. No doubt.

Stay strong, be at peace.

Peace,
Kathy

Thursday, December 14, 2006 8:34 PM CST

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...even though it rained like crazy today! A record 8" in Palm Beach County.

I do hope as Christmas and the New Year approach you are holding those you love very close to you...and if they are not near enough to hold onto-I trust you are holding them close in your heart. I would love to hear some of your family traditions. Who gets to choose the tree each year is a big one in our family. The children keep track and try to argue about it every year. Nevertheless, the one who is next in line always gets their turn. Of course, Matthew is always getting into trouble with the tree he wants to pick out and his sisters usually gang up on him and override his selection. Then there is the same tradition with the Angel at the top of the tree. The children keep it straight and whoever's turn it is gets to top the tree. Jess, always has to put on her favorite ornaments-no one else is allowed to touch them. Tonight she informed that she wants those to go with her when she has her own tree one day. We always listen to the same Christmas cd-we all sing along with the songs.

I always hang the ornament that was sent to us the first Christmas after Robert died. It says that I am in heaven having Christmas...I hang it at the very top of the tree next to a picture of him. The children know this is my job. I did not even cry this year. Well not too much. The other tradition that is solely mine is putting the children's Christmas crafts up around the house. Now that task brings me to tears. Finding all their handiwork from their little hands is so precious to me. Especially when I see the ones that Robert made. It is and forever will be so shocking to realize that he is no longer here...

School is wonderful. My students and I are completely enchanted with each other. We have truly enjoyed working on projects for the holiday season. We are traveling around the world learning the traditions of several countries.

Life is moving along, have you noticed? Christmas is next week...share a favorite tradition or memory with us if you feel led to. We love to hear from you and always enjoy your stories.

Merry Christmas friends! Much love from the Charltons!

Peace, all is well.
Kathy

Sunday, December 3, 2006 7:12 PM CST

The moon tonight reminded me of the last full moon I saw...it was last month-a month full of anticipation as the anniversary of Robert's passing approached...did I say anticipation, I meant to say anxiety. This is an account of the events of the evening of that full moon.

Life never ceases to amaze me. Days just fly by, especially the kind of days that run long into the night and leave you exhausted. Just the other night I found myself at that point of no return. Exhausted and fatigued from the non-stop day, I barely paused to notice the full moon. I always stop for a full moon. Usually I drag the children out to gaze with me. Not this month…you know you are too busy if you do not have a moment to gaze at a full moon!

Finally, I fell into bed exhausted and with a headache. I was sound asleep when suddenly I was jarred awake by the sounds of loud sobbing. In my dead of sleep I heard a loud sob, “MOM! MOM! Oscar is dead!” I opened my eyes to my teenage daughter standing before me hysterically crying because she had just discovered her pet mouse dead in his cage. She was sobbing and gasping for air as I coaxed her to sit on the bed with me. In my half sleepy state I remembered that I was the Mom, I was supposed to know what to say and what to do. I had no one to differ to-no back up for such a moment as this (one of the drawbacks of being a single parent, no one to help out in the middle of the night when terror strikes!).

I remember thinking to myself, “okay you can do this, say something, hug your daughter, comfort her…” She was so fragile at that moment. I knew that the dead mouse represented so much more than just a dead mouse-death is so final, it never leaves your mind when it comes into your life, it creeps in everywhere.

So, I ventured back to her room to the cage. Believe me; the last thing I wanted to be doing in the middle of the night was dealing with a dead critter. There he was, poor dead Oscar. He had a lovely home-the children called it a mansion. He seemed so happy living there. Even though it was the middle of the night, we knew we had to do something. I knew I had to bury him. I managed to find just the right box. I reached into the cage and picked up his tiny lifeless body. This was creepy for me; this was not something that would have normally been “my job.” This is just the kind of job that I would have differed to the “man of the house”. Unfortunately, there was no “man of the house” in sight.

I went to the garage and got the shovel. We chose a spot near Robert’s gardenia tree in the back yard. As I began to dig, out of the corner of my eye I saw the full moon shining over my daughter’s shoulder. It illuminated everything. I rolled my eyes and sighed. It was the middle of the night and I was burying a dead mouse by the light of the full moon. Great, truly I was surprised at my composure, my calm spirit. Even when I was digging and began to think of how Robert was buried in the earth I remained calm. The frailty of my daughter would not allow me to falter or wane from my responsibility. All while I dug that little hole I thought of how much earth had to be dug up to bury a casket. I thought of how it was a good thing that they had backhoes to do the digging, a shovel would take forever. I thought of how Robert’s body was in a box in the earth. The imagery was shocking to me. I kept digging though, all under the watchful eye of my daughter and the full moon…

I was so relieved when the box was finally covered with dirt and was buried, out of sight. I put the shovel away, I may never dig a hole again! I have never spoken about how haunting and horrible it was when Robert’s body was taken from our home and to the funeral home. The images my mind conjures up to this day make it difficult to be near that placed that housed his lifeless body. The funeral home is right smack in the middle of our downtown, I am there frequently. I do not know, hopefully not everyone’s mind dwells on such harsh vivid realities when they bury a loved one.

I hugged my daughter tight. I told her I loved her and asked her if she wanted to sleep in my room. She said she was fine and tired. I took Oscar’s cage and carried out to the garage. I tucked it away for safe keeping out of sight.

So, you see, life never ceases to amaze me. The normal incidents that life brings will forever be peppered with the thoughts of Robert-his life-his death. His life continues to influence me. His death continues to haunt me. The next time I am caught by the full moon in the middle of the night, I hope to not be burying a mouse!

Peace,
Kathy

Thursday, November 23, 2006 7:10 AM CST

Good day. The daybreak today brought with it one of the most magnificent mornings I have ever seen. The kind of day that glows and you can sort of see the chill in the air. It is promises to be a lovely day.

Happy Thanksgiving! As I type I am sure that my Mom is already working away in preparation for a feast. A feast fit for a king. I also know that she, like me, is thinking of Robert. He loved Thanksgiving. He would be the king that we would prepare a feast for; he would devour every morsel of it and would make anyone proud to ready a feast for him.

I pulled out Robert’s journal from 5th grade to read what he had written about Thanksgiving. Here it is:
This Weekend
This weekend is Thanksgiving. My favorite part of the Thanksgiving is of all the food. My favorite food at Thanksgiving is cranberry sauce and turkey. My favorite part of the turkey is the breast nobody in my family eats the breast so I do. That’s my favorite part of Thanksgiving.

More Robertisms:
Last Weekend
I am my dad and cousin all went out in our boat. We were going to go deep sea fishing, but the swells were too big anyway so we just went in the bay. I caught the smallest fish in the world. My dad caught a baby jack which put up a good fight for a baby. My cousin didn’t catch anything; well, if you call a rock a fish. That’s what I did last weekend.

Lastly he writes:
My Family
My family is pretty basic. In my family I have a mom, dad, 2 sisters and one brother. My older sister Jessica is in 6th grade, I’m in 5th, my little sister’s in 1st, and my brother is in pre-k. As you can tell my sister is the oldest, she’s 11, I’m 10, my little sister’s 6, and my brother is 5. My parents have pretty cool jobs. My dad is a landscaper and my mom has 2 jobs. She works at the Kravis Center and she sells Mayfield ice cream. My mom is older than my dad they are both the same age. The number is divisible by 2, but the two numbers equal 7. Can you guess what the number is? It’s…oh bye!

It amazes me to read back and “hear” Robert’s voice in his journal. He really had a sense of humor. I adore that this journal was written during the time that he was undergoing treatment for leukemia. No where in his words is there a hint at he was fighting for his life. No complaining, no whining…he was just like any other 10 year old, 5th grade boy.

Robert’s thoughts were never of dying, only of living.

Live today, live and be thankful for those around you and those who are far away.

Thankfully yours-Peace,
Kathy

Friday, November 17, 2006 5:36 AM CST

Good morning, Robert-good morning my son. I am missing you…as usual. It has been 4 years since you left this place. I cannot stop thinking about that morning, the morning you left us…I am not alone in my missing you, we all miss you. Robert, I do not usually write this page to you, but today I hope you can hear me. My son, you remain in my thoughts and heart of hearts…you are but a memory now, all that I have of you is that which I can remember about you. It is only in my dreams and thoughts that I can be near you now.

You are everywhere to me-even now, 4 years after you died.

I have been thinking so much about your last night here. Strange, our weather of late has been mimicking the weather of that final night. Windy, blustery-rain, heavy rain that seems to come out of nowhere…then a bit of a chill in the morning air. It was that way today. Robert I realized something the other day. I realized that the last words I heard you speak to me on this earth were not your final words to me…that night when your body gave way to disease you spoke one final time. I remember it so clearly. You awoke very anxious. You wanted to sit up in bed. I pulled you up so that you could sit up-you were pointing to the ceiling-you were adamant about something you could see…as you pointed you said, “MOM! MOM! MOM!” Your last words spoken here were to me. I have thought many times of how I was the first one to know you as you lived in my body and was blessed to be the one whose name you spoke last-a privilege I cherish…

Robert it is in remembering your last night that I realized the final words you ever “spoke” to me were not from that night, but from a dream I had of you a few months after you died. In my dream your words were so broken and sad…you were sick and dying in my dream. You were scared. In my dream you were lying on your bed looking so sad. You said to me, “Mom, it’s all empty Mom. There are no more days. There are no more days…” I replied, “Yes Robert, there are no more days.” We both shed quiet gentle tears and we both knew you were leaving.

The last thing you ever said to me son was “it’s all empty, there are no more days…” Robert, I hope you see that for me, since you left me, all that seemed empty I try to fill. I try to fill the emptiness with laughter, love, hugs, kisses, and joy.. Just like you taught me son. The other day as I jogged along my heart ached as I realized you felt that your efforts to fight your disease might have been empty. Robert everything you did was full- full of life-not one moment of it was empty. I want you to know that not one moment of your life returned void. You, son, taught your mother well.

Your fight for life was hopeful, challenging, encouraging, uplifting and most of all something that gave so many something to strive to live for…I fight everyday to do anything, one thing that will not be returned void-empty. No one wants to feel empty-not even you son, my larger than life golden boy.

Robert if you had lived you would have lived to see the new era of people doing the craziest things to have more days and not feel empty. I think of how you choked down pills that made you sick, suffered unbearable pain from disease, i.v’s, spinal taps, and side effects from medicine just for the chance to live the simple life you were well adapted to live. Everything you did was not for a prize, not for the million dollar booty, or the promise of fame; everything you did was for the chance to live, love, laugh, and of course, fish.

Robert you showed me so much the kind of man you would have become. A man who would have loved deeply and forever-you were loyal. You would have been a responsible man willing to do anything to succeed and provide. Some of the best moments of my life were felt when you would walk down the hall of your school holding my hand so tight and telling anyone who knew you “this is my Mom!” You had such a pride about the people you loved that it made us feel so special and strong that we wanted to be better people. I carry the love that you showed me those days when you were here like treasures in my heart to help me be strong and courageous. You gave me the courage to believe that I was worthy of such love and admiration. You, my son, gave courage to many of us.

Robert did you know? Did you understand your magic? Did you realize how wonderful you made us feel when you thanked us, hugged us, shared with us, let us watch you live…? Did you know? Did you have any idea that at the ripe old age of 10 you were impacting lives?

I saw your golden touch-I felt it every time I held your hand and felt your hugs…oh Robert, I long for the love that you shared with me…I long to feel those hugs again that never let go first. I am trying. I try to hug and not let go first. I want to make others laugh and feel good about themselves. I want to teach your brother and your sisters about that kind of love. They miss you too, very much. Only someone with as much love in their hearts for others could leave such a hole as you did when you left us.

Robert-you taught me well…your life changed me son. Robert thank you for all that you did to make life not feel empty. Thank you for how you loved each of us and made each of us feel so special. I was looking at pictures of you and found one from your trip to Seaworld. In them you looked so bloated and were so bald from the medications. The picture that really sticks out in my mind was one where all you see in the photo is your hand holding Matthew’s hand and helping him feed a porpoise. On your wrist is your lucky watch. I get such a wonderful glimpse of you in that picture. I see your lucky watch that you wore because you were full of hope; I saw a boy that even though he was very sick and probably felt like garbage he still would hold his little brothers hand and show him the way. That, my son, is the kind of boy that you were. It gives me a glimpse as to the kind of man that you would have become. A man that no matter how he was feeling or what he was facing would always have time to help someone he loves…nothing about your days were empty Robert.

Now it is up to each of us who knew you to live our days not being an empty person and not feeling empty about our lives. Four years is a long time to go without the love of someone you love so much, to live without their laughter, their smile, their touch…but live we shall.

Today, November 17, 1006 I will remember you well. I love you Robert Mitchel Charlton, I always will…

Peace to you,
Mom

Thursday, November 2, 2006 7:24 AM CST

Good day. We made it through Halloween! Lots of rain, but after the rain passed all the children were out and about collecting their treats! I was so exhausted, I was glad for the rain and the bit of quiet so that I could chill out a bit before the trick-or-treaters arrived.

I have been thinking a lot about what it is that we seem to really want out of life. Strange, I suffer from the fact that I realize what others want out of life, what they are longing for…I have no trouble encouraging and reassuring them that the desires of their hearts will be fulfilled-BUT when it comes to myself, I do not spend time reassuring myself. I think this is because I have been blessed to watch many of the true desires of my heart be fulfilled. In spite of all the heartache and loss in own life, I do not feel unfulfilled. Desperate, pathetic, sad-but not unfulfilled.

I think because I have been blessed to be able to know in my heart of hearts that I have been loved, really loved-deeply loved. I think that at the end of every day we need to know someone out there loves us - no matter what. I believe that within each of us is a need to know that there is someone;no matter what we do, who we are, where we go-we are loved because we are alive. The weight of feeling that we have disappointed someone is a tremendous burden to bear. It makes us feel so unloved.

My Dad made me feel loved. Even if I got into trouble or let my Dad down, I never felt unloved. He really seemed to get me. It is interesting because my parents divorced when I was very young, 6 yrs. old. I did not get to spend a lot of time with my Dad. But…he was always there for me. I just knew it. One word from him and everything in my world was okay. I hope and pray that in some small way I can do this for my own children.

Robert felt that kind of love. He was amazing. Not only did he feel that kind of love for himself, but also he gave out that kind of love in this world. I realized the other day as I was running that the voice in my head was mine telling Robert “you can do it, make that extra lap around the hall…you can do it Robert…” Than the voice changed, the voice became his speaking to me, saying “Mom you can do it…keep going you can do it…” Finally I heard the voice of my 3 living children…

Since Robert left this world I have been thinking a lot about love. How much I need it, how much I need to give it away…how much we all need it? At the end of everyday, isn’t that all any of us really want; to love and be loved. We all want to know that somewhere, somehow, there is someone-even if it is just one person- who loves us no matter what.

Alas, truly-I pray that you get to know that kind of love in this lifetime. Truly I pray that you realize that within God there is that kind of love. I pray that if you long for that love in this world-to feel it, touch it, live with it, you will realize it for yourself.

Peace to you,
Kathy

Wednesday, October 18, 2006 2:30 PM CDT

I have been wanting to write for weeks now...ever since the anniversary of the day I heard the words, "Robert's cancer is back!" on October 5, 2002 I have wanted to write, needed to write-something, anything, so many things...

I have wanted to write how those words resound over and over again in my head all the time this time of year. I remember it like a bad dream that was so real it sobered me up for the rest of my life. I remember watching, waiting for Dr. Horwitz to come to visit and check on Robert. He had been admitted to St. Jude in the middle of the night for fevers. It was early Saturday morning; the day before, Friday, they had begun to really make me nervous because Robert was still not making platelets…they had already begun to fear that his cancer was back but had not told me yet. Jeff was at home with the other children. I was there alone with Robert. I can still see Dr. Horwitz as he approached me. I remember thinking that he looked nice in the green shirt and dress pants he was wearing-I wondered why he was there that day, it was not his day to be on-call and he was not in his usual white lab coat…

He was there for one reason-to tell me that Robert’s cancer was back. On that Saturday, Oct. 5th 2002 at about 8 a.m. I felt the life in my soul begin to evaporate and the air in the room where I sat was sucked out as if to take me with it…Dr. Horwitz sat next to me on the couch in the Parent Room-we could both see Robert as he sat in his bed watching Saturday morning cartoons. Robert looked good. He seemed so content…as we watched him Dr. Horwitz told me that Robert’s cancer was back there were blasts of disease evident in his bloodstream which only meant that it was already lighting his body up full of disease. Robert’s fevers were the start of the disintegration of his body. I stared at my son. I asked Dr. Horwitz how long will my son be alive-how long does he probably have to live…he replied, “maybe 6 weeks.”

It was the beginning of October of 2002. It was a day I will never forget-I remember it so clearly. I remember trying to figure out what to do first. Who do I call? How do I tell Jeff? Where can I find someone to make this all go away? How can all that we had done have failed…HOW do I tell my son he will die, how do I tell his siblings their big brother would die…HOW, HOW, HOW…?

The day was so beautiful outside. I went outside of the hospital as fast as I could. I had to find air; I knew I had to at least try to breathe. I was so familiar with the sharp pain in my right temple and that hole in my stomach that made me want to puke-I had felt that pain before, but I knew I could not do anything without air. I knew that I needed to find a way to be Robert’s Mom even in those moments. I was not the one dying-I may have wanted to die, but I was destined to out live my son. I remember sitting on the bench outside on that clear, crisp beautiful day. I knew I had to call Jeff,I knew I had to call everyone.

I realized this year, 4 years later, that I have not forgotten one moment of that morning-and neither have my children. As the days approached that fateful day this October we had a family meeting. One of the children was hurting terribly- we needed to sit together and share our feelings of hurt and love. As we sat there Matthew pointed out “we all know what day is coming…” My heart sank as I realized he was not referring to his upcoming special day of his 10th birthday,double-digit birthdays are a big step in our family. He spoke of the anniversary of Robert’s death. Oct. 5th loomed in the distance of our memory and hit us like a ton of bricks this year…I am not sure why, but I have realized that in our family this time of year brings very strong emotions with it.

Many people suffer tremendous depression in the fall. I have heard it referred to as “Autumn Blues”. Something about the change in seasons with the leaves dying off and colors changing symbolizing the cold of winter depresses many…sort of like people who get so depressed over the holidays. That is how we have been living of late. Our seasonal depression starts with the beginning of the school year and goes through November. Reasonably so. Realizing this does not make it any easier…or maybe in some ways it does. Maybe now we can anticipate it and try to be prepared to cope; at least we can have a reason for our feeling of loss.

I am not sure whom it affects the most. I expect that Jessica, being the oldest, would have the most vivid awful memories of that day and time. She was the one at home when I told Jeff the news; she watched and knew exactly what was going on when her Dad yelled out in anguish and kicked a hole in the dining room wall. She knew why she wanted to scream…yet, Matthew, even though he was only 5 remembers everything also. He does not even care that his first double-digit birthday is coming. Christina, well, she came to my room sobbing just the other night asking me if Robert would have wanted to be on a life support machine to stay alive-she wanted to know if he had that choice or if we made it for him…very real questions, very strong emotions for children to have to deal with.

Jessica asks me, “Mom how do you do it?” I tell her that I am better about it now. I have finally gotten to the point where I can tell myself “you can do it; you can do this…breathe!” I know that for a long time I was just surviving.

I have realized this about myself; I am scared to death of death now. I never used to think about being afraid to die. I am now. I realized as I said it out loud to myself, “I am scared to death of death!” I am so afraid of it not out of a fear of the unknown, not out of a fear of the actual reality that we all die-because I believe in eternal salvation and heaven. I am scared to death of death because of what I see that it does to those who are left behind. I am deathly afraid of how those I love and hold close to my heart would feel and grieve if I died…I hate the realization of the pain that death brings. I refuse to give up on love and living, therefore, if I choose to live in love then death would create an absence from loved ones and I have seen how hard it is to live with that grief.

I went to Robert’s grave the other day. I wept as I realized how little I go there. I remembered why I used to never want to be buried in a grave. I used to say it was because I did not want those I love to sit at a grave and miss me-the imagery that vision creates is so sad. As I drove into the cemetery my heart ached and broke realizing that no one visits Robert’s grave. My heart broke when I saw that one of the cherished items one of his classmates left there for him was gone-missing…of course it did sit there for these 4 years.

Can you imagine-it was 4 years ago that Robert was with us? It was 4 years ago that he began to die from his cancer. Four years ago was his last Halloween…4 years ago that his body was laid to rest in a grave…

I have to say, it is a blessing that we cannot be found weeping and mourning Robert at his gravesite. It is a blessing because we are busy living. Robert would be pleased with us. It has been 4 years since I was told Robert would die, 4 years since we brought him home…these 2 months, October and November are daily reminders of him. I miss him more than ever. I still cannot believe he is gone…

He seems to be on so many people's minds. That makes me happy. I ran into his old "favorite" nurse. She told me how they were "just talking about Robert!" A fellow teacher at my school was sharing how she had heard "Robert Stories" recently...I wonder, have you thought of Robert lately? I hope so. He did love to be the center of attention.

Thank you for remembering my boy, Robert Mitchel Charlton.

Peace to you,
Kathy

Monday, September 25, 2006 8:10 AM CDT

“There are two kinds of people in this world…Smart People, and Strong People…the ‘Smart People have the ‘Strong People’ working for them!” Spoken like a true pirate, Captain Crossbones (a.k.a. Mr. Steve) during Summer History Camp last summer.

I have to admit, this guy was on to something. I have thought about this phrase quite a bit since I heard it. Truth is, I realized I am raising three very “Smart People”. As a matter of fact, I apparently am a “Smart People Magnet!” I attract, and am surrounded by, “Smart People.”

I happen to be a “Strong People” person…I am no dummy, don’t get me wrong, but when push comes to shove, I am a “Strong” person-and all the “Smart People” in my world definitely want me working for them! I realized this, “I am mother to three ‘Smart People’…” Three “Smart People” being raised by one “Strong People”(person)-and they need me.

Here is the thing, “Smart People” may have all the “Strong People” working for them, but where would they be without us! “Smart People” may have developed the idea for the paper bag, drawn the design and sold it, but we “Strong People” who built the paper bag know exactly how to fight our way out of that paper bag! Savvy? I say that all the time, “you couldn’t fight you way out of a paper bag!”

So, here we are, my “smart” kids and me. Chugging along-toot toot! The start of the school year really knocked us on our butts. It came to our house much like a hurricane, took us all by surprise and almost devastated us. I was caught off guard. I am realizing that much like people who dread the holidays and feel so blue during that time of year, this time of year will almost always bring a certain amount of dread with it; it is the Charlton version of the Fall Blues…we really miss Robert. We talk about him all the time. Christina came into my room just last night not being able to sleep asking me about Robert. She wanted to know if he wanted to be put on life support to continue living…she wondered if he wanted to just die, or if he wanted us to do whatever we could to keep him alive…

My Christina is one very “smart” person, “smart” question asked by a “smart” person…believe me, only a “strong” mother could answer that one…

Another of my “smart” children was turning in a project for school. In the work it was written, “you might think this is about me…but it isn’t…it is about my brother…” I awoke the other morning and as I got ready for work those words from my “smart” child played over in my head, as I heard them again I replied to myself…--isn’t is always about your brother, isn’t it always about Robert…

So, here we are. Doing just fine…things have leveled off it appears. School is in full swing. The kids are going in a million different directions, as am I. School is challenging for each of them. This is a good thing; bored “smart” kids are very annoying-whiny! Matthew came home the other day and informed me that Math was now using letters instead of just numbers. I told him that was called Algebra; he said, well it is hard…and he is happy. He said that he finally feels like he is learning something in school! Christina is actually very happy in middle school. The Middle School for the Arts is a very good fit for her. She is working so hard every day and enjoying being challenged as well. Jessica is adjusting. What can I say, remember your days in High School? Well, take those days and multiply them with AP courses and be in an Art program that is ranked #1 internationally and you might be able to grasp the pressure she is under. Jess in 11th grade this year. It is time for her to start thinking about college; college for her requires a portfolio of her years as an Art student. It is a huge undertaking-her bedroom floor is stained with paints (all can be scrubbed off) and her room resembles some sort of art studio! Her art is flourishing and so are her grades.

Me, well, I am doing just fine as well. My job this year is much easier due to the fact that I started my school year off with my class and my own set of procedures! My class is wonderful-we really do have the best class in the school! (I tell them that all the time). I had to laugh at myself the other morning as I thought of what I would write or how I would respond if someone asked me how things were going for me…I recalled that old saying “I don’t have a pot to pi—in!” I realized that even if I had a pot to pi—in, I probably could not find it, and I am certainly too busy to even look for it!!! I suppose that sums it up best, life may still be a terrific challenge daily, but who has time to really notice!

Three “Smart” children being raised by one “Strong” woman is quite a task…those smart will definitely suck the life out of us strong ones if we let them…remember, I am a “Smart Magnet!” It is a good thing-I am grateful for all the “Smart People” in the world, and I am grateful that I fall in the category of “Strong People”…

I wonder, where do you fall? How would you categorize yourself? Isn’t it a wonderful reciprocal relationship, smart people and strong people-we go hand in hand?

Peace to you-thank you for missing us!
Kathy

Sunday, August 6, 2006 8:05 AM CDT

Good day, ah, the quiet of a Sunday morning...lovely.

School looms on the horizon. In some ways the hectic state of affairs that it promises to bring I welcome. The regiment will be good for me; I have been too lost in my thoughts lately...big surprise, right? What have I been lost in my thoughts about you ask? What could a single mother of 3 living life in sunny South Florida be thinking about? Alas, we all know-Robert. The end of all my thoughts are summed up in one word Robert. His life, his death-his disease...

I was doing really well. We spoke freely of him while at the beach. Matthew and Christina never hesitate to point out something that reminds them of their brother-thank goodness they have that freedom...I was doing really well until Thursday morning.

I was completing paperwork to renew the children's health insurance. We have had this insurance for the children for years and I have renewed it many times. As I read over and confirmed the information listed for the children I realized that they still had Robert listed...he was "Child #3". Why they had him listed as "Child #3" is silly, clearly he was "Child #2"!

As I stared at his information-Robert Mitchel Charlton DOB: 04/28/1991; SS# xxxxxxxxxxx/ etc...it freaked me out. How silly that my son had a SS#; how sad that there he was in black and white, in the midst of his siblings listed as one of them...where he belonged, right in the middle of all of them. Tears welled up in my eyes, I have not cried for my son in some time. It seems that after I wrote the page regarding the renewal of my faith I had purged my soul of many thoughts that I needed to get on a page. After I purged my soul, dried up my tears, and buried my son once again-I chose not to think of him, all the loss...until that morning.

You know those tears that well up in your eyes and feel so heavy on your face as they drop down your cheeks; the kind that burn your eyes and remind you that you have not cried in a long time? Those were the kind I cried...sadly, I have cried several times, every day since that morning. I simply wrote on the form, "Deceased, 11/17/2002." I did not want to write it; I did not want them to omit him from the list of my children. I do not care that technically he is not here and should not be listed on forms, but every damn form I fill out regarding how many children I have kills me-it rips through my heart like a sharp blade so sharp and fast that I do even bleed, just feel shredded, shattered all over again...

As I pondered yet again the many stories of healing that seem to be bestowed on others, I once again began to ask myself what did they do to merit that? Anything? I reflected on all of the stories from the Bible of healing that Jesus did when he lived among us; I pondered them all...I concluded that no where in any of the stories of healing did the healing have anything to do with merit, or cleanliness, or tithing, or obedience, or even really prayer. The healing did not come as a result of many praying, being without sin, and being flawless in their life...the healing came only as a gift from God. It came to serve as an example of what faith could bring about; what faith should believe in...it was a tool for Jesus to reveal His true love of all people not based on who they were or what they did...He did not give them a list of things that they must do and follow in order to receive that blessing of healing-the obedience of those involved had nothing to do with the healing...yet, He did use every healing to heal not just the sick person, but everyone around them...anyone who could read, hear, and know about His amazing power and love needed to be touched by His healing-so, in healing the sick person He healed many.

I suppose that it was always the plan for the life of the person who was healed to be healed-it was not their time to die. Robert had to die on November 17, 2002; it was written in time before he was born. I do not believe that it was a surprise to the God of the Universe that Robert died when he did. Robert was never supposed to be healed. No amount of prayer, supplication, offerings, obedience, goodwill, sacrifices-no amount of love, begging, borrowing or pleading could change the fact that he was to die.

Does that fact change the fact that we all needed to pray, love, rally, beg, build, borrow and hope for that healing, that miracle that we believed in...? NO! None of us knew Robert's destiny. We all grew, we all needed to believe. We all needed to crash and shatter into a million pieces so that when we put ourselves back together we would still glorify our God. That truly is a miracle. We are still standing.

I am somewhat ashamed of how I chose to survive. I did not realize that I was even doing this. I have been taking care of myself for as long as I can remember-I know how to take care of myself. When Robert died and life shattered, I instinctively knew what to do; how to take care of myself. I chose and realized that I needed to encompass my remaining children in this survival. I wrapped my arms around them and included them in my circle of survival.

I was wrong, the circle of survival should have encompassed not just me and my children; I was not alone in my being shattered. The ripple effect of the shattering of this family was tremendous. The shattering of any family is tremendous. As humans we fail miserably in recognizing this fact. Death is never something you can prepare for, no matter what. The absence and desolation of losing someone you love is shocking. The gaping hole that a family feels when one of it's members dies is huge.

With the death of Robert, all of those who rallied, prayed, begged, pleaded, and loved him felt the loss, we all fell in that gaping hole. It is as if we were all on this long wagon-trek across the continent to journey to save Robert...we walked together. He died. He was snatched right out of the middle of all of us-can you imagine. Can you imagine the power of death and disease that it can come into the safest place in the world for a child and snatch him from the center of his home, right in front of his parents...? Unimaginable. I mean it is not as if we all weren't here, every one of us was watching, waiting, praying, we had circled our wagons...yet, death snatched him away. It was inevitable.

I am sorry. So sorry that wisdom had not come to me or any of us to know that we should have remained huddled together for a very long time until all of the pieces of the shattered gaping hole in the middle of our "family" was put together again...

Grief is deceitful that way. Grief deceives us into thinking that we should follow our own survival instincts. That is not true, grief begs us to isolate ourselves, dig deep within ourselves to heal and try to find our way out. Do not believe that lie...I am telling you that the person grieving does not have the wisdom or the where-with-all to reach out and wrap their arms around those touched by death; they know only how to survive for themselves.

We want to respect the privacy of those who death visits. We are scared of death ourselves, so in some ways it is easier to not go there with someone we love, easier to let them flounder about in their loss saying, "they'll be fine, move on...get busy with the life at hand."

Life's mishaps and mistakes are always going to be there, catch us off guard. It is what we do in the aftermath that matters.

I must tell you, this family is piecing itself back together. It has taken a lot of time, the face of the family has changed...I am no longer married to Jeff, I am not his wife. I am still the Mom, and he is still the Dad. The Grandparents remain the same, the Uncles, the Aunts, the cousins...all the same. It is the same family-we have changed, but we have managed to hold it together...so many friends have come and gone. I miss almost all of them. New relationships have enriched us and brought us closer together.

Jeff and I are still the parents of Jessica, Christina and Matthew. We may not be perfect, and for me I have finally come to "accept" that nothing could have changed when Robert was to leave us-to die. No amount of prayer, supplication, obedience, faith, or love was going to bring about the healing I longed for from God for Robert. I may not like that fact, but I feel I understand it much better now. It is a bit of a relief to realize that the outcome had nothing to do with me...

Peace, thank you for walking with us-
Kathy

P.S. Not a day has passed this summer that I have not thanked God for our weather...

Sunday, July 30, 2006 9:14 AM CDT

Good day. We are home again...I love the quiet of my house early Sunday mornings- when the young Charltons are at their Dad's for the weekend, and the eldest Charlton is sleeping; it is pure bliss, the silence of a Sunday morning...that is probably the main reason I have not become devoted to church again. Having one morning of silence in the chaos that is life has become precious to me...

We had a really nice time at the beach. Unfortunately, the beach itself was at times not so good. During the middle of the day as we tried to walk along the beach there were dead fish everywhere. Something in the tide was causing them to die. It was very upsetting to Matthew. He cursed the ocean and swore off the beach forever! Of course the culminating point of his hatred of the ocean came to a head when we saw a dead sea turtle. This just about sent Matthew over the edge-as anyone can imagine. Matthew has taken on an overall attitude of negativity alot lately. It does not suit him and it has become my mission in life to help him turn his frown upside down! Of course those who truly know me best, know that in itself is pretty funny-it is one thing to be able to convince yourself that everything is going to be alright, and to have your face look as if you are the happiest person in the world; but convincing your 9 yr. old son who has been through what Matt has been through of this fact, is not as easy...

The truth 'of trying' to help others realize that faith is the glue that holds us together, is what I have been thinking about this morning. Upon reading a guestbook entry from a precious Mom who lost her precious son to cancer I have realized something-she commented on my entry regarding the renewing of my faith. This Mom wrote about how she pondered how one could get through this loss "without faith?!" I have never really thought about it like that. Until this morning.

I realized that the death of a child, or anyone we love and are close to, but particularly the death of a child, SHATTERS everything. I envisioned a pane of glass. I saw that pane of glass being shot at with a bullet. If you saw the bullet coming at you, you could duck. That pane of glass would shatter into a million pieces-unprotected glass does that, just shatters. There really is no way you could ever piece it together again. The only hope is to replace it, start with a new pane,clean it up and throw out the old one...or never replace it; never repair it; just forget about it...

Now, have you ever seen a windshield that has been shot at with a bullet; it is just as shattered as the bare pane of glass, yet it has a protective layer and it does not necessarily crumble as the other one. I have seen more than one person driving around with a shattered windshield that is being held together by this protective layer.

Death when it comes to those with faith still causes their life to be shattered; but faith is the cohesiveness that somehow holds what is left together...Death when it comes without faith just shatters those same million pieces and there is nothing holding anything together. Try to clean up that mess...try to piece that together again. Impossible...

Just because my windshield was shattered into a million pieces and held together by a protective layer does not mean that I will fix it right away...it took me some time to realize that though I was shattered and this family was shattered, we were held together by a protective layer of faith.

When your child dies in your arms - right before your eyes -you do not exactly feel very protected by your faith - you just feel SHATTERED...

Still picking up the pieces-gotta go mow the lawn...

Peace to you, bless you for following along.
Kathy

Monday, July 24, 2006 7:34 AM CDT

Good morning. Now this is a Monday morning I could get used to. Matthew and I are the only ones awake on this sunny morning. He is resting his head on my shoulder while we watch a little television...

We have been having a wonderful summer. I refuse to begin to "dread" the end of it. I am trying to be very positive and not nervous about the start of the new school year. This coming school year will be a very busy one I anticipate. Christina will be starting middle school, Jess will be in 11th grade. I will get to spend my afternoons convincing them all how important school is; even Matthew has to be convinced that he is too young to "quit" and there is still some stuff he does not know yet.

We are off to the beach with some friends for a couple of days this week. I wish it was our beloved Boca Grande, but I know we will enjoy it nonetheless. I am looking forward to it.

Yesterday was special day. Christina was baptized. I was so proud of her for her decision to do this with her life. She was so excited and nervous all at the same time. It was so special for all of her family to be together watching this milestone of her life. The beauty of it truly was that it was not on any calendar as a scheduled event; it was not on some agenda with reminder letters sent to make sure that we did not miss it...it was truly part of the destiny of her life and we, her family, were all blessed to be able to be there for it. I truly would have loved to have ALL of our family together for the moment; but that was not able to happen...that would have required a scheduled event! But, as Mimi Bunny said, "Christina, you managed to get all of your family here together!"

My prayer is that as Christina grows she will continue to grow in wisdom and knowledge and always have the courage to follow her heart...

God bless you all-Peace,
Kathy

Friday, June 30, 2006 9:06 PM CDT

Good day. Isn't that feeling you get after you have accomplished a task that has been on the "to do list" a wonderful feeling?!? That is exactly the feeling I had when I looked at Matthew's room the other day. After I "shoveled" it out,saying that I needed a "bulldozer" was a bit of an exaggeration, I felt so satisfied. Matthew and I re-arranged his room at his request. It was great fun having him work with me as we set his room up the way that he wanted it. His bedroom was his and Robert's room before Robert's room was added on. On the wall in the boy's room is a beautiful undersea mural. The furniture in the room was purchased with 2 boys in mind sharing one room...now it is Matthew's room alone. I know it has not been easy for him to occupy that space that so obvious was Robert's room-Matthew was so little that he did not have much say as to the control of the room. Matthew and I even joked that Robert was "haunting" us as we re-arranged the room; stuff was falling off the shelves when we were not even near them! ;)

I started asking myself this question over a month ago...you may be surprised that I would be asking myself such a question now, almost 4 years since Robert died, but here it is: "Faith before or faith after, which is more difficult?" Maybe my question should be, "which is more believable?, attainable? or possible?" I have been pondering faith, mine in particular, for a very long time-through my thoughts I have realized that I have been pondering my faith for much longer than I realized-I could pinpoint almost to the date and time that it began...but that is for me alone to recall. I have concluded, that both sides of faith, before and after, require great believability, and I have concluded that on both sides, the only "thing" worthy of such believablity is God.

My pondering began when I started thinking about how difficult it is to navigate the journey of grief. Grief has become a word that has taken on deep meaning in my mind and heart. I am not sure that grief gets enough credit in this world. It is a very powerful force that we all have seen in our own lives, or the lives of those around us, that completely changes a person-for better or for worse. Grief, once it comes into your life, will never leave you. Grief can change, can be managed, and can diminish over time, but it has a way of infiltrating places of our being that we do not even realize; it is a bit of a virus that has no cure. I have concluded that grief can morph us into people that we could never predict we would become.

As I have watched one of my "chidren" turn into a teenager as she "morphs" into an adult the unpredictability of that natural act reminds me of grief. Grief brings about morphing of an individual that is both unpredictable and natural. Both acts of nature, adolescence and grieving, bring about physiological, psychological and spiritual changes. Both acts of nature will occur without any help from any outside force, both happen naturally, both require great faith!

I have seen how grief can change a person. Physically grief effects us in some obvious ways-it effects our diet, our sleep, our breathing. Pyschologically, it effects our every thought. Spiritually, it effects our faith. Our faith before we face grief is one way, after grief it takes on a new life-good, bad or indifferent. Like adolescence, grief as it morphs us into new people, gives us no way of predicting what we will become. Like adolescence, grief must be taken very seriously and carefully-a person should be careful with what they participate in, medicate with, and navigate to...

In mourning the loss of Robert, a family, and a marriage, I have watched not only my own life take on a new form, but I have watched the lives of those around me change and morph as we navigate. I cannot speak for others, but for me, this journey of grief has truly been a journey about my faith. I have always had a tremendous amount of respect for anyone who lives after loss-death imparticular. Death is so sneaky, and steals so much when it comes that it is so impossible to wrap one's mind around the concept of the finality that it begs us to ignore it and forget that it has completely changed us...it most certainly has a way of challenging one's faith. Our faith tries to figure out what we could have done differently, how we could have changed the outcome-our faith causes us to wonder if we had enough to begin with. What is enough faith? How do we measure if we have any faith at all? In Robert's case, should we have had more faith in the medicine that was to bring about his healing, the doctors, the hospitals...should our faith had led us to another place, did our faith lead us in another direction and we ignored, did we miss something by not having enough faith!?!?

My answer to those questions came to me last weekend while I sat in church-the first time in a long time that I have sat in church. Faith is not measured by how much we have-it only matters in whom we have our faith entrusted. I realized as I sat there that for me, my faith was never in the doctors, hospitals, or medicines that were to provide healing for my cancer stricken child-my faith was in God, and God alone. I have doubted so many of our choices, retraced our steps and wondered "if only". I have shared that in my weakness and searching I often felt that maybe if we would have done anything differently, gone a different direction, Robert would be alive. Then it hit me, I only ever trusted God and my faith was only in Him, my desire was that He be glorified-somehow, some way...strange as I think about this now.

As my heart ached once again to be able to know why my Lord did not choose to heal my son as I have seen Him heal others-I remembered how awful I have felt when faced with a choice during the last days of Robert's life. The preacher, Benny Hin, was in Florida-Orlando to be exact. Friends from church called us and told us. They wanted us to know that he was only a couple of hours away and they believed that we should get Robert to him to be healed. Robert was in the PICU at the time. I remember Jeff and I looking at each other as we wondered if this was something we were "supposed" to do for Robert. How can a parent choose such a thing, how can two desperate broken-hearted parents make such a choice. Anyone who knew Jeff and I, knew that we would have carried Robert on our backs to the ends of the earth to keep him alive. Was this a test of our faith? Would this testimony of faith in bringing our sick child to this known healer bring about healing to our son? I have lived with our choice not to take our son ever since he died. I have even wondered if that was the one act of faith that might have cured him...

Then I realized, my faith was not in any man-I agreed with every prayer, every drop of oil my son was annointed with, every pill he took, every drop of poisonous chemo that went into his body to bring about healing, I agreed with every bit of it-but my faith was only in God-I did not doubt for one moment that He could heal my son. I doubted everything else-I second guessed everything-but not my God's ability. This past Sunday I began to hear Robert's voice in my head. I began to recall the last prayer I heard my son pray. The last prayer I heard him pray was at St. Mary's hospital. We had come home after his failed bone marrow transplant. Robert was fighting for his life-he wanted to live so badly that he wanted to try one more time with the dreaded chemo...in my mind's eye I can see him sitting on his hospital bed, I can hear his voice. He was so deliberate, so certain as he hung his head in his hands and prayed..."Lord, I know that you can heal me, I believe and know that you can do this. I want to be healed, I believe in you, I know you can do this. I believe in you, I know you can do this-heal me Lord, Amen."

Even Robert in his youth understood where his faith should be placed...in God alone. This realization has saved me once again. Once again it is my faith in God that saves me from the doubt and sadness and second guessing that comes with grief. The insatiable desire to bring my son back to life is only satisfied when I realize that my faith was in God for his healing. I will never understand why it was that we only had Robert for the time that we had him here, but if my faith was in my God who can do anything, and if my God took Robert when he did, then I must accept this.

I have chosen to have faith again. Once again at the end of my days, in the beginning of my mornings I have chosen to believe again. It is as if my heart will not allow me to ignore the faith that dwells within it. I have tried, I rebelled in many ways within my heart to leave my faith. My rebellion may not be as obvious as it is in others, remember grief, it makes for strange "bedfellows"-alcohol, drugs, people, places...you never know where it will lead a soul. My grief has led my soul back home, back to it's roots, back to faith.

Thank God! As rebellious as my heart can be, it could not bear the burden of living without faith. I could not deprive my children of having a mother without faith...

My two youngest children came to accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior while they were at summer camp. My weak heart knew that they would find Him while they were there...I just knew it in my heart of hearts. I began crying as I anticipated their arrival home. I stood there crying as I waited for them. I knew they were coming home with a new faith in their hearts. I was so happy-as my 2 youngest children walked into the room where all the parents were waiting, they saw me standing there, alone with tears streaming down my face. My Matthew saw me first, he smiled and grabbed a hold of me and hugged me so tight-the 3 of us held onto each other knowing that we were changed. I kissed them both and was so proud and grateful that my tears do not frighten or embarass them. We sat together and enjoyed the "Camp Reflection" ceremony together. Matthew was honored as a "Camper of the Week" earning him the camp flag for his group. I cried some more...Christina hugged me and sat right by me, Matthew was beaming as he was recognized. The 2 men that were his counselors cried as they saw me crying. They came over to me and shook my hand and with tears in their eyes thanked me for sending my son to camp and letting them get to know him. Matthew was so proud and excited about his testimony of being saved. Christina was more quiet and so determined. She shared how she finally truly understood and that it made sense what it meant to be saved...in the sea of grief and loss my 2 young children found faith-faith in God. It flowed from their heart of hearts. Believe me, this thrills me. I know that their desire does not come from any morsel of parental egging on-they have managed to find a faith within all the pain that we live with in all of our loss.

My faith was renewed that night. As I sat there watching the pure joy of those children being so excited about God and singing His praise. They may have been at camp all week getting pumped up about the things of God, but this old gal had her faith renewed as well. That night was sort of the period at the end of a very long sentence I have been rambling on writing for years...cancer may have killed my son, divorce may have ended my marriage, and grief may have tried to negatively change my life and soul over the past few years, but...Faith has overcome. I feel as if the journey of my life is finally ready to begin again. It is as if my faith has been completely renewed, rebirthed and wants to breathe again. I am ready.

This by no means is the end of my journey. Choosing to believe again does not an ending beget, it is a beginning...a beginning that no one knows where it will end. My journey will always be full of tears and moments. Moments like the other night. I was with my sweetie and I looked at the clock and thought to myself, "boy, I can't believe my children have not called me...even Robert did not call me tonight!" WHAT?!? I stopped myself, and could not believe that I just thought the thought what I did...WHAT? Robert, call me...oh no-I started to cry a little; I realized I meant to say Matthew...my sweetie asked me, "why are you crying, are you okay?" I proceeded to tell him the conversation I just had with myself in my head in the kitchen...I told him I was okay, that I could not talk about it, that I had to "bury" the thought of Robert once again...to proceed with life. My journey is full of moments like this one. My journey is one that has to "bury" my Robert over and over again for me to be able to continue on.

That requires a great deal of faith. I believe that it requires more faith to live after death than before death. That is the answer to my initial question. There you have it, my conclusion to "Faith, before or after, which is more difficult?" Faith after...death...is much more difficult than faith before death. Before death you have hope-after death you are stripped of everything. Faith must be found in the bare nakedness of grief and loss.

Some of you who read here I think of you the most right now, your loss is unimaginable- Adam, Andy, Matt, Jake, Jalen, Seth, Cameron so many more ...I know how much you miss your children. I know...thank you for living, teaching us all about faith every moment that you live with the loss of your child. You have great faith...

Mark 9:24,25
"Jesus said to him, 'If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.' Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, 'Lord, I believe, help my unbelief'"

Lord, I do believe, and only you can help my doubting mind and heart as I continue this journey I am on...

Peace,
Kathy

Monday, June 12, 2006 8:08 PM CDT

Hello-o-o-o...is there anyone out there??????

I certainly would not blame anyone for being too busy living life to be able to follow up here...especially since the author of this page has been too busy living life to update or get all of her thoughts here to this page. What has the world come to?!!!

I, as usual, have been pondering things and have wanted to come here and write for a long time now...my computer officially died and it took me until school was out to be able to get my new laptop up and running. Now hopefully I can quit fantasizing about lying in bed at night typing away and actually do it!

Yes folks, you read it here first, I actually survived the last days of school. It was sort of funny, it was a bit anti-climatic I must admit. I really thought I would be more blue bidding farewell to my crew, but alas, I was a bit glad to send them on their merry ways...it was a long good-bye...not too mention that I was so busy thinking of Christina and the fact that she was ending her days in elementary school...

The children ended their school year this year with flying colors! Well, I have not seen Jess's report card, but her state test scores came back and they were fantastic and she has been invited to join the National Honor Society-in addition to her Spanish Honor Society and Visual Arts Honor Society! Okay, I am allowed to brag at times aren't I? Matthew took our state test called the FCAT for the first time this year. He did outstanding on them. He came home from school and was showing me his award certificates and trophies. He scored the highest in a reading program at his school-of all 3rd grade; almost of all the school. He proceeded to tell me, "Mom, I got a perfect score on the FCAT!" I said, "that's great Matt, that means you scored a 5!" He replied, "yes, Mom, but I got a perfect score, I did not miss any!!!" He finished his year with all straight A's as well. I am so proud of my boy!

Christina received a battery of awards herself...not too mention she received all A's again. Her final report card of straight A's rounds off her straight A's for ALL of her elementary years! I told her keep up the good work and that I want ALL A's in middle school! HA! Okay, so I never tell my childrent they must make all A's; but I did tell her don't even start thinking about boys in middle school-she must stay focused!!!! ;)

We are blessed. So blessed...I am so proud of these children. I am continually amazed at how they perservere and grow and accomplish so much regardless of our circumstance...they sure do impress me, and I live with them!!!

So friends, how has life been treating you? I am quite well actually. I have not been as happy as I am these days ever in my life-taking into account the fact that Robert is missing-we are well. All is well.

Please take a moment and fill me in on your life...brag a little-brag alot-GO FOR IT!!!

How wonderful of you to come here-I promise, I will be back. Today was my first official day of summer!

Matthew and Christina are at their first overnight, away from home church camp. Very exciting...Matthew did not even take his favorite blankie, "Froggy". Jessica leaves this weekend for a 2 week course in Milwaukee at an Art and Design college. Me, I rented a bulldozer and am hoping to paint the house...I figure a little bit of paint might help keep the walls attached during hurricane season!

Peace to you,
Kathy

Saturday, May 13, 2006 6:00 AM CDT

I managed to convince my 1st grade class of something...last week as we prepared their writing stories and gifts for Mother's Day I told them that "Moms are Magical." I asked them if they ever wondered why it was that their Mom always knew when they were not telling the truth or always knew they had done something they didn't tell her about, or how she could see them when they were in the other room...I told them it was because she was magical! It was Magical Monday after all in our class...I told them they should remember that I was a Mom and that I too had "eyes in the back of my head..." One little girl actually said, "Ms. Charlton, that is how you can always see who has their hand raised when your back is to the class and you are writing on the board!" I told her, "exactly!" I proceeded to tell the girls that they were lucky, because one day they would get to be a Mom and they would have these magical powers too.

I am convinced that Moms do have magical powers. Moms are full of magic, the best kind. The kind of magic that can wake up when only a peep was made in the house, the kind of magic that sees into the future and knows that her child is heading for trouble, the kind of magic that can look into a bare refrigerator and still cook dinner or make breakfast or lunch...the kind of magic that makes every boo-boo better, magic that can kiss away an awful day or a broken heart of her child...the kind of magic that simply is magical.

I have been thinking of Moms alot this week. It started last week as I found myself lost in thoughts of the overwhelming nature of life. As I sobbed in the shower, you see magical Moms know to cry in the shower, for no one can see their tears or hear their sobs...I realized I was not crying for myself, but for another Mom.

I cried for the Mom who is alone, the Mom who has no one to bear her burden of raising her children, to help her pay the bills, no one to make sure the kids got home from school safely, no one else to help her see her children succeed or fail...I cried most for the Mom who is living without her child...the Mom who has lost everything-the Mom who manages to breath and get out of bed every morning knowing that she is facing a day without her child.

I realized that becoming a "Magical Mom" is not easy. It costs a woman everything. Moms are special. Sure we get a little crazy at times, but with all that magical juice flowing through our bodies it is bound to cause some friction. When a woman becomes a Mom something changes deep inside her. Her soul and life becomes about the nurturing and providing for her child. She literally breathes life into them and without her supply of food the child will perish...

I thought of my sweet friend whose very existence was truly for her child...her child is now gone from this place. My heart broke for her in a way that I suppose only I could understand, you know that my son is gone from this place. Yet, I did not cry for myself, for you see, I get to still be magical.

My heart broke as I thought of all the love and magic a Mom has within her-I am lucky, I get to shine and be superMom for my other 3 children...my heart broke for every Mom who has had to find a way to live without one of her children and still be magical. When it is all that you know, and all that you have wanted to have it suddenly removed from your life is more than just a loss of a child, but a loss of part of another human being whose entire life was her child.

So, for all of the Moms who have suffer loss and are still breathing-for you I say, "Happy Mother's Day". My heart may have broke the most it has in some time as I thought of a Mom who has said goodbye to her child, it broke for every moment of pain and loss that every Mom I know felt...for with magical powers that can fix anything comes a sensitivity that feels every loss so deeply.

So for every Mom who has ever shed a tear-ever stayed up all night, prayed, begged, loved, and lost-for every Mom who knows that "courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway" (John Wayne), for every Mom who has fought the good fight and maybe feels that she has lost-for you, Magical Mom that you are, I say, "Happy Mother's Day."

I know, I too am a Magical Mom. Some days I even feel magical-special. That is a blessing. My children have literally breathed life back into me. In my case, believe me, I do not laugh for myself, I laugh for tham, I do not work and fight every day to succeed for myself, I do it for them...they make me magical.

This morning I picked up an old Mother's Day card from Robert...I wanted to look inside for one of his tidbits that touch my heart-his message to me. In it he had printed these words...
"Dear Mom, have a great day on Sunday see it is our day of excitement and joy. I hope you have no work so we can make breakfist in bed for you. Please stay in bed the hole day! So we can keep you safe!!! Love, Robert"
Would you believe that on the front of this card he had drawn an angel floating in the sky with a halo on its head...that was my tidbit that I will take to add to my magic.

I am a very lucky Mom. For you see, Robert may not be sending me any more cards for Mother's Day, but I can assure you, I have many more-I am blessed. My children that I am blessed to have with me, the ones who continue to make me look magical, they are the reason I am here.

You see the most magical thing about us Moms is that we know the real secret to our magic-it is our children. They make us magical.

My sweet friend, your child may be in another place, but know this-you are truly magical and your magic still shines-keep shining and being magical...

Peace to you all-peace to you Moms out there-stay magical.
Kathy

Friday, April 28, 2006 5:28 AM CDT

Good morning. Happy Birthday to my sweetest of children, to my son-Robert Mitchel Charlton! I cannot believe it, Robert you would have been 15 years old today.

I could not sleep last night in anticipation of today. It was strange. I wanted to be awake at the same time of day that you were born 15 years ago. I am not near the scared young mother I was the day you came into our lives. I am not the same young woman who wanted to run home and be Mom to her 1 year old daughter...I remember upon seeing you emerge from my belly thinking, "Jeff, there is your son, now can I go home to be with my daugther..." I was so scared, so was your Dad. Funny huh, scared of you? It did not take long for me to realize what a special boy I had been blessed with. All during my pregnancy with you, we did not know you were going to be a boy-I did, my huge butt told me I was carrying a boy! So many of my other mom friends used to say to me, "you won't have another good baby like you had before, never happens...this one will be a handful!"

I always thought they were nuts for saying that to a young mother about to have her second child in 2 years...and boy were they wrong. You were the BEST baby! I grew to adore you. Your older sister and I would spend hours playing with you. She was just a baby herself, so she will not remember...but for hours every day it was just the 3 of us. You were a delight...from the moment you were born, to the moment you left.

Do you see us now? We have grown as I imagine you would have grown right along with us. I have a secret-don't tell anyone...I see so many glimpses of you in your little brother Matthew. He adored you to the point of worshipping you. I know you always knew this...you understood. At times now, if I had my eyes closed, he could say something and I would think it was you. Sometimes when he is on the bag at 1st base, I squint my eyes a little and pretend it is you again. That is my secret. Sometimes when I hug him I take a deep breath and remember your hugs...I think he knows this. I do not think he minds me remembering you through him. Matthew is a force that few can reckon with-he is at the very least as amazing as his big brother-you must have left quite a mark on him.

So my sweetest of boys, what is it like where you live now? I am not sure I have asked. I believe I have not asked because in some way I still have not accepted that you ever left me. In some ways, in my most magical of thinking you are coming home to me again. So, maybe it is time I ask...I know that where you are you would never want to leave-this I believe. I feel sometimes that all that separates us is a tiny veil that you can see through, but I cannot...is this true? I do not dream about you, you know. This amazes me as I spend so much of time thinking of you...usually we dream about that we which dwell on in our minds-not you...you choose to live on my mind and heart as I remember you-so alive.

Robert, I still wish you back, all the time. I hope you do not mind. I know you want to stay in heaven-I imagined a glimpse of you there as I went to your grave yesterday. I stopped at Miss Maria's grave and realized her birthday just passed as well, on the 20th, in my glimpse of you I saw you there with Maria. You two were holding onto each other, as a mother and a son. Your beautiful faces smiling and happy...as if to comfort me, not yourselves. Then I began to realize how many of the people I love are there where you are...you are certainly not alone--someday, I will come to be where you are.

In the meantime, many wonder, "how do you live without your son...what do you do?" I realized this week what you do...you live, you love, you laugh, you REMEMBER. That is what I do Robert, I remember...

After reading the guestbook today I realize that so many remember...the strangest reasons have brought people to your page for unknown reasons...than they realize-in their hearts, they remember...this touches me deeply. A mother's worse nightmare after her child dies would be that her child would be forgotten...thank you to all of you who remember my brown eyed boy.

I came across this poem I wrote last summer at your beloved beach of Boca Grande...remember your favorite place in this world? I wanted to write it here in honor of you.

"The sun set on another day.
To watch it fade and leave its mark
as it sank into the bay
made me realize in its leaving
it seemed to yearn to be noticed.
It seemed to long for more time-
more reason-more shine.
As it departed begging not to go,
it forced out color everywhere-
First red, then blue, pink,
then orange.
It layered the sky with its
colorful hue.
The time came for the end of this day-
for the sun to depart even though
it wanted to stay..."

My notes on the bottom on the page read as follows: "So it is with much in life-we are forced to go before we feel it is time-as our last feeble attempt we try to shine so bright so we are begged to stay..."

Robert, I begged you to stay, begged for you to stay. Still you had to go. You shined as bright as any sunrise or sunset ever did in your short life span.

Robert Mitchel Charlton, Happy, Happy Birthday my sweetest of boys! I love you as always, Mom.

Peace world, peace friends-love, live, laugh-TODAY.
Kathy

P.S. I saw my first bluejay of Spring this week; and your Gladiola Tree is in full bloom right outside my kitchen window...

Saturday, April 22, 2006 9:48 PM CDT

Hello. I did not plan on writing on Robert's page until next week sometime as I am thinking of him so much with his birthday approaching. Today is Jeff's birthday. The children are with him this weekend and I am sure happy to celebrate his birthday with him. So, Happy Birthday to Jeff!

I realized the last time I wrote here to update about life, I hardly ever mention Jeff anymore. That does not seem fair; he was such a crucial part of this family. Robert was his son and our children are his as well...obviously. I know that as with all the days that pass he misses Robert more than anyone, except maybe me, can even begin to imagine. I am happy to report that Jeff is prospering in spite of the deep pain in missing Robert that he lives with. His business has gotten off it's feet, he is doing well in that regard. He is happily married now 2 yrs. He and I have settled in being the parents of the 3 most amazing children in the world! The children spend every other weekend at his house, thankfully he lives not far from us. He is coaching Matthew's baseball team this Spring and both are very happy with that. I suppose you all have wondered how we manage-we do not fight, we get along quite well in fact. I am very happy that Jeff is happy in this world-I feared that Robert's passing might not be something he could get past himself...and thus life goes on.

I decided to write tonight because I cannot shake some unique images that I have seen in the past couple of days. Each image is that of a pair of very dark eyes staring back at me...Let me explain. Through conversations during the past couple of days I have stared straight into the eyes of 3 different men at 3 very different stages in their lives.

I will refer to them as "small", "medium" and "large" men. The first deep look came from the "large man." I was puzzled about a life issue the other night as I contemplated a situation I was facing with this person. I found myself asking a question I was not sure I wanted to hear the answer to...you know the kind, the kind of question you have to ask no matter what the answer is. As I asked my question, this person stared me straight in the eye for what seemed like a very long time-so long that I noticed how red his eyes were, I saw the pain and stress that was weighing on him...thankfully the answer I received was not one that I feared.

The next day came the second moment that seemed to last an eternity. This "small man" is a student in my class. He came to class late, as he does everyday. He looked so defeated, so downtrodden. I leaned over next to him and whispered in his ear, "are you okay, do you need anything?" He was staring off into space almost asleep. He said to me, "I didn't have no breakfast..." I got him food. Later that morning is when it happened, the long stare that seemed to last a very long time...we were sitting at a table across from each other. I had 2 toy cars in my lap that I had taken from a student playing during reading time; they fell off my lap and onto the floor. As I reached down the "small man" asked me, "hey what is that...?" He saw what it was. He then said to me, "hey, you can save those for your son until he comes back to life!" Then he stared into my eyes not even blinking, neither of us blinked-it seemed an eternity as I looked into his dark brown eyes... he then said to me as he stared, "oh, your son is not coming back to life-he is dead, he won't be coming back to life..." We stared a moment longer, the tears that welled up in my eyes did not even cause this "small man" to blink. I thought to myself, ah, but he is alive. I am still waiting, my "year of magical thinking" is not over...and then I realized even this "small man" knew, he was not going to be alive as I so wanted...

Now for today, the final man, the "medium man." He was desperate too. I went to rescue him. I spent money I do not have to reach him. I did not expect to look into his eyes and see what I saw. Again, I asked a question that no one would want to ask, but I did not fear the answer. I was ready for whatever he told me. I asked, and he stared me right in the eye for what seemed like a long time. I saw that his eyes were bloodshot, in pain and so desperate. He looked so completely lost but I did not blink. Neither did he. It was as if in that moment, time stopped. He answered my question and I was surprised that he even bothered to answer me.

All day long I have seen each set of eyes staring back at me. It felt as if each man was so lost in someway, so pained by life, desperate. Each time I was not afraid of what I saw, each time I felt empowered that another human being would stare so long at me...it is really something when you look someone in the eye, is it not? Very revealing to allow someone to see you. These men and their situations, needs, and turmoil have nothing to with each other. None of them knows how they impacted my life in that moment, in that stare. Each changed me a little bit more, each made me a little more brave. I would have done anything in my power to save each of them.

I wonder what they saw? I wonder if they saw the frailty of a woman brave enough to love them...of course I do not suspect the student from my classroom to have any idea of what he saw as he stared at me and spoke of my son. I was stunned that he remembered me mentioning him ever. I do not talk about Robert to my children, obviously-at least not about his death. It stunned me that he spoke the words he did to me. How did he know I was waiting for him to come back to life...each of these men I am watching come to life, or come back to life. The "small man" is at the beginning of his life but has suffered tremendous hardship at such an early age-it is unbelievable that he makes it to school every single day. The "medium man" is fighting a very dark, long battle that has cost him everything many times. The "large man" in many ways is larger than life to me-he will find his way.

In some strange way I felt that if I could only give them some of my strength, some of my soul maybe they could be braver. Life, living, can kill us. It is not easy. I fight every day, every moment to live...to stay alive. These 3 men have changed me a little bit more these past couple of days. Maybe I am just a sucker for a set of deep brown eyes like my Robert had...

I keep remembering the dream I had about Robert about this time of year right after he died. I have been remembering it in mind. I still see him there lying on the bed looking up at me with tears in his eyes saying, "Mom there are no more days...there are no more days." I can almost hear his quiet whimpering that I heard that night in my dream. I wanted to tell the "medium man" and "large man"- there are no more days-it is time, today-LIVE!!! The "small man" will learn one thing from his teacher this year-there are many days for him, he does live, every day he fights to live...

My heart has been heavy again-it is okay. I am learning to embrace its weight and stay focused and smiling. Robert seems very near to me. He knows I am missing him.

There are 4 beautiful teenage girls sitting behind me as I type away. The are laughing and living...I am ready to go to bed for the night. Ah, life, it is for the living...live a little-be brave.

Peace,
Kathy
***I put some old photos of Robert in the photo album;sorry they are not that clear, I need help with that page!***

Tuesday, April 18, 2006 4:48 PM CDT

Good Day. I have missed many days...I missed Good Friday, and Easter-and yes, I am grateful to know that in my heart He Lives! It brings me unbelievable peace to know that Christ rose from the grave and lives on in heaven...

I managed to drag the children to church with me on Easter morning. I must admit I never thought that my life would become such that I was dragging my kids to church, needless to say dragging myself there! Strange how life takes a turn here and there and before you know you are living that which is unimaginable. Nevertheless, we were there. I was delighted to be there, right where I knew I belonged worshipping my God and praising Him for the life He gave that I might have eternal life.

I was really blessed because as "fate" would have it, I scooted in the pew right in front of 2 of my most favorite people. You know the kind of people that simply seeing them either makes you want to smile, or cry because you adore them so much that you know you are safe with them. The husband was a college professor of mine whom I adored, his wife a wonderfully humble sweet woman...no pretenses between them. As we sang the old hymn, "He Lives" the wife reached up and took hold of my shoulders and whispered in my ear "that is how we can face tomorrow because we know that He lives!" I could almost feel her tears-for I knew and she knew that not only were we singing of our precious Lord, we were singing of Robert-we both know that Robert lives on and we will see him again...of course I was already crying at the beauty of the hymn about my Saviour, but then when I realized that Robert was living on and I would see him again, I cried a bit more...

Cameron's memorial service was beautiful. It was a celebration. I am grateful that we knew him, loved him, were touched by his life and I am a better person for having been able to spend any moments in his life. It was not easy for the children to be there-it was not easy for Jeff to be there...but we knew, that no matter how difficult it was for us, it was nothing compared to the abyss of pain and heartache that his mother and father were left to muddle through.

I know that no matter how much we know that we know the abyss of the death of a child is neverending and very, very dismal at times...I am grateful to say that Cameron's parents are fighting each day to keep on breathing. He taught them how to fight the good fight and live every moment.

Yes, reading their journey brings back so many memories...I only wish that I could ease the pain for them, but that my friends is impossible. IMPOSSIBLE I tell you-impossible; I believe that some things are impossible...pain is inevitable, especially when you love someone...but they are very strong, brave people-they were Cam's parents after all.

A few days after Cam's service I received a call from a dear friend. Her father had just died. Cam died 9 years to the day of the death of my own Dad-on a Sunday like my Robert...now here in a week's time, a dear friend's son died; and another dear friend's father died...2 funerals in a week's time. Did I hear anyone say, "de ja vu?" Jessica looked at me and said "Mom, I have been to too many funerals!" She went with me to both...she is strong like her mother that one is.

In the midst of all of this heartache I realize that I am a very blessed, lucky woman. I get hugs everyday (well, Monday through Friday) from a little boy who a few months back was such a tormented boy that his parents could not even take out in public, to a boy who is happy! I of course tell you all of these things because of one thing that has always been my theme-we all have a choice.

Right now my 2 sweet friends can choose to breathe or not breathe...simple as that. I am grateful that they are choosing to remember to breathe. In grief, you literally almost forget to breathe.

I have started looking for the bluejays in my yard. Spring is here-Robert's birthday would be next Friday. I will be back to share more with the world about my boy-more of Robert is what I like to share the most.

I cannot believe that any of you still read along. Pray that as summer approaches and life continues to change for me, I would get a clearer vision regarding some things in my life. I am hoping to be able to put some of the pages of this journal into a book. Maybe this summer is the time. I think I need to find an editor and a publisher this summer instead of a summer job! What do you think?

Peace to you, and God bless you-
Kathy

Tuesday, April 4, 2006 8:08 AM CDT

Good day. Today I come here as I have so many times before with a heavy heart...usually my heart my heart is heavy with my own grief and pain-today my heart is heavy for my sweet friends loss. Precious Cameron left us on Sunday morning. His last moments and days are beautifully documented on his website at www.caringbridge.org/fl/camspage.

Jeff and I remember the moment we met this sweet family. Robert had just relapsed and Jeff came into Robert's room with tears in his eyes full of such concern for their little boy-Cameron, he was just 14 months old. Jeff kept saying, "they are so young, you should see this baby, Kath, he is so beautiful..." He was right, Cameron was so beautiful that first moment I met him and even as beautiful the last time I saw him.

I was blessed with being able to share a kiss with him a couple of weeks ago before his rapid decline began. A kiss I will never forget.

I shared with my own precious children of Cameron's passing. This has been very difficult for them to realize that this brave, sweet boy was dying. It has hit each of them in a hard way and is heavy on their hearts. Matthew cried himself to sleep last night and was still so sad this morning...the girls are so sad too. This has really been difficult, the closest thing to where we as a family have been and we know how difficult and painful it is.

So, Wednesday night, we will gather with all of the Jorgenson's family and friends to pay tribute and bid farewell for now to our brave little soldier, Cameron.

Cameron, you touched so many lives. You touched everyone in this family in a special way-the Charlton children remembered singing Old MacDonald with you at our house; Christina remembered how you sat on her lap and watched Einstein Babies with her holding you; Matthew remembered the last time he saw you at the Rapids and took you on the slide-we all rememember how smart you were! Jessica of course remembers you to be the coolest of boys...your Mommy and I remember how much Robert loved you...you are with him now.

As you told me that last day that I said goodbye after you kissed my mouth, you said, "I am going to miss you..." I am going to miss you too! We all will miss you, very, very much.

Remember to tell Robert hello for me.

Peace to you all-
Kathy

Sunday, March 26, 2006 11:13 AM CST

Good day. Sunday is a good day. We have been home/off from school all this past week. It was our Spring Break. Of course it went by too fast, but it was a wonderful week for me and the children. I think they would agree they spent it doing things that made them happy. Jess spent most of her time at the beach and her nights were spent either here with a group of friends hanging out, or at one of their houses. Matthew and Christina played with friends and did some cool stuff with their Dad yesterday. I managed to tackle the beast that is my garage and attic. My Mom came over to help me. It is amazing what can accumulate in an attic over 11 yrs. Somehow I managed to get it all out of the attic and Mom helped drag it out to the curb...I feel so much more at ease when my house is in some state of order.

I realized last night as I seemed to be wandering about aimlessly that I feel exactly as I did 4 years ago after Robert died. My thoughts are much clearer, I am able to recognize the symptoms and cope and shake it off as they say. But it truly dawned on me this past week that I am so laden with a heavy heart that my small frame seems to be weighed down by it...

As you may recall, in the months that followed Robert's death I lost a great deal of weight. I stopped eating the day they told me he would die. Food seemed impossible for me to be able to partake of because of the huge pit in my stomach and sharp pain that dug into my right temple. So, that is when I began to force myself to eat. What emerged after the months that followed Robert's death was a much thinner, stronger version of my former self. I believe I lost 25 pounds. That was almost 20% of my body weight at the time.

During the past 4 years I have grown accustomed to my smaller self; fearing I would put the weight back on as I became adjusted and happier. I realized last night that I am still plagued with the weight of my heavy heart and though the pit in my stomach is gone most days-and the pain in my head only appears on occasion, I do forget to eat. Food is so unimportant to me; as much as I love it. I bake homemade goodies all the time; I barely eat them.

I realized that last night as I drove about town trying to force myself out of the depression I was falling into that my heart has been so heavy for so long. I truly believe that a person can die of a broken heart. I fight it daily. I try everything. I pray, I reach out to others. I listen to music, sing, dance, run, cry...thank goodness I do not drink or take any form of narcotics-it would truly consume me. Last night I called a dear friend. Luckily she answered. She was going to dinner with friends and sounded so happy. She calls me "Kath." My two best friends have always called me "Kath." She asked me what I was doing. I told her, "just trying to 'put one foot in front of the other...'" I asked her if she remembered the Old Mr. Winter Grumpy Dude from Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer...she said "of course I do!" She proceeded to sing with me the song from that silly show-"just put one foot in front of the other and soon you'll be walking cross the floor..." We laughed like children. She understood so much that I fight daily to keep moving forward.

She asked why I felt so stuck and in the same place I was 4 years ago after Robert died. I shared that I am realizing that I carry a very heavy heart that is filled with pain. I am learning to embrace it and smile and laugh and live in spite of it.

I have realized that no matter what I know to be true about life, death, heaven, hell and my Savior-being the mother of a child that died from cancer is an ongoing tumultous ride that I cannot, do not want to, get off from. No matter what, no matter which memory I choose to focus on in regards to Robert's life it all ends the same. Every thought and memory recounts the end of his life. To see your child suffer in such a manner is unimaginable. It has also become apparent that not only is it my job to learn how to cope through my own grief and loss as a mother it is my job to help my remaining children cope with their loss.

I pray and am thankful that my children are not afraid to express their grief, anger, disappointment, and tears with me over the loss of their brother. But believe me, every single tear they shed weighs heavy on my heart...it breaks it a little more. When they pain over the death of their brother I want to scream, but do not-I want to run and hide-disappear, but do not...I will not.

I have much joy in my life. I suppose I simply wanted to say that all is tainted. Every step I take forward is prompted by a memory of my son walking the halls of St. Jude children's hospital dragging his iv pole with a blue mask on his face. He did the "Robert shuffle." He took every step at that point in his life for one thing and one thing only-to be well again. I have a deep faith. The verse where it is written, "but for the joy set before Him, Christ endured the cross..." speaks to me of all that Jesus did for us when he came and died. What begs me to put one foot in front of the other is not like the labor pains a woman endures to receive the joy of her newborn; it is the memory of my son-my son who died. A contradiction in life at best. My son who died, died trying to live, those images of his life at the end are what encourages me now.

How can this be? He did not fight so that he could die-he fought so that he could live.

How then can I as a mother, a woman, a productive individual in society not get up out of bed everyday and live-really live. Even if it is with the burdens that I bear.

School starts back on Tuesday. My quest to manage my classroom with a young one that runs in circles, cries, whines, hits everyone, throws fits all day long continues.
This little one is so curious I could write pages about him. I want you to know one thing about him. At the end of everyday, no matter what has occurred during the day, no matter how much he cried, how much he drove me and our classroom nuts-he cannot leave my sight without hugging me so tightly it I have to peel him off me. It is as if at the end of the day he holds onto me until he knows and receives all the forgiveness he needs from his days misbehaviors...I never turn down his hug, never push him away, I have never once let him leave my sight without his hug. One day imparticular had been awful. I had really had it-I wanted him to leave and be gone a long time...I was beat down. I did not get up from my desk and walk him to the door as usual. I sent the children that were leaving in a group on their way. Do you know that he could not walk out that door. I watched him as I realized he was leaving. He began to cry at the door-he crept over to my desk and wrapped his tiny arms around me to say goodbye. I hugged him and told him goodbye-told him I would see him tomorrow...I hugged him until he knew all was well with Ms. Charlton.

All is well. May you have someone, anyone in your life who hugs you so tight until you know that all is well, all is forgiven.

Peace-Kathy


HAPPY BIRTHDAY WALTER J. WALDRON, MARCH 27TH. I miss you even today Dad...I always will. March 27, 1997 was the last time I spoke with my Dad. He died a few days later from cancer.

Sunday, March 19, 2006 7:40 AM CST

It seems I have forgotten how to begin writing this page. I suppose I have written hundreds of pages here. I have always felt I should begin with a salutation, sort of like a letter being written to a long lost friend or distant relative that I am attempting to fill in the blanks of life for...

Do you ever think about the fact that your life is "unwritten". I am listening to the song called "Unwritten," by Natasha Bedingfield. It is one of Christina's and my favorite songs. Today I will call her into the livingroom and turn on the music and listen to it very loudly as we dance around the room. She is my dancing partner...she is a joy-she is the kind of young lady that warms your heart just by being in the same room with her, truly magnetic.

The lyrics to the song speak about how only you can speak the words on your lips, live your life with arms wide open, only you can fill the blank page before, the rest is still unwritten.

Unwritten, that is what our lives are before us. A blank page waiting to be written. The day your book becomes written and complete is the day that you die. I have been pondering this reality that death is truly the only universal reality that we all must face. I have concluded that it is possible to live life even without love, or at least the acknowledgement of it; and love comes in many forms, degrees and depths. There is so much with love that a person can miss and live an entire lifetime without ever realizing.

We like to think that love comes to all of us, that we are blessed to receive it, give it, fully realize it; but in our human form with all of our addictions, phobias, simple fears, complex fears and complicated lives, it is possible to live without love. It is not so with death-it comes to each of us in one form or another-the day we are born into this world we begin our journey toward death.

In the book "The Year of Magical Thinking" the author refers to the research and accounts of those close to people who have died and by many accounts they all say that it seemed that the person who died knew they were going to die soon...it seems that they made comments and had insight into the fact that they believed their time here was coming to an end. This is not pointed out to sound off the doom and gloom horn, it is an insight that the loved ones had looking back and recounting the time before they lost their loved one.

You see so much of the time after you lose a loved one is spent trying to figure out how to go back in time and fix whatever was necessary to change the outcome-death. This too I believe must be a universal feeling that we have when someone we love dies-our need to stop time, go back in time to fix whatever we could to keep their death away.

As I lie in bed this morning I had a thought about Robert that I have had many times since he died. I find myself wondering how he dealt with the obvious failing of his body. He had to be in horrible pain-he could barely move, his back hurt from the cancer that was spreading, he had fevers of 105 degrees non-stop for the final week of his life...he was bruised could not speak and his throat must have hurt so badly. NO amount of morphine in this world could have truly taken away all of his pain. In all of this, Robert remained lucid, rather pleasant, and sensitive to those around him.

I have spent alot of time listening to my own body as I have tried to imagine his failing. I hear my knees creak and ache and wonder how he must have felt not being able to move because of the pain. As I shed a tear for my son, I recall that Robert shed no tears for himself. I can only recall one time during transplant when he cried a bit and had hit the wall of frustration. I recall him crying once during treatment because he was going to miss his basketball game...he would sort of cry out of frustration because of all the pills he had to swallow, but I do not recall tears of sadness and tears from pain.

How can this be? Did Robert ever believe he would die? Did Robert ever give up believing that he would be completely healed and whole again? I have asked myself a million times every day since my son died if I truly believed that he would be healed and whole again or did I rescind to the fact that his cancer would kill him. I go back to Robert. I remember him to find my answers for my own faith.

I understand that Robert was just a child. He was all boy-it seems that Robert maybe knew that his body was failing, but I do not recall one moment with my son that ever indicated to me that he knew he would die; Robert I believe up until the very moment of his last breath thought he would be healed. The morning my sweet son left me was a Sunday morning as you may recall. There was such a strange majestic peace in his room that morning as Jeff and I waited by his side.

I had a vision that morning as I laid next to my son in his bed. My vision was of him going on ahead and seeing heaven. I saw that sweet excited smile on his face that always permeated your soul until you could not help but get excited. I saw him whole again, I saw him happy and free. I told him to go. As I laid there next to his failing earthly body laboring to breathe burning up with fever I knew that my son would not ever give up breathing if he thought for one minute he could not leave us...he loved us that much that if he could have stayed he would never have left. He fought hard to stay alive. That morning as his body went cold in my hands even as his feet were hard and cold to the touch and then his legs and his fingertips, then his tummy...he kept breathing-even after we removed the oxygen mask that he hated, he kept breathing...it was not until what I believe was the moment he saw heaven and our Lord did he choose to go.

My vision was for my son to be whole again. Whole and healed completely so that he could continue to live the enchanted life he had begun to live from the moment he was born. I must force myself to remember this as I search for courage to have faith again. IT takes ALOT of courage to have faith, to believe in a vision and that the page of your life which is unwritten can be written with words of hope and love and courage.

Robert is not here to write any of the pages of his life. He will never be here to write or re-write anything else. It has taken me a long time to realize this. I know it is time for me to start living with the kind of faith that my son did. He lived to the very end, if he knew he was going to die he certainly did not show it to us. We knew his body was failing, we knew it was obviously going to be taken by the cancer that chased him down. He, Robert-my son, I am convinced, did not.

The vision for Robert's life has been written, completed, finalized. His legacy remains, the lessons of his life can be shared but none are unwritten or can be altered-Robert's life is finished.

Our lives are before us. I think of those I love and hold so dearly in my heart-all of you. Do you realize that your life is full of blank pages? Is your life going to be lived with faith? Robert managed to live every day with faith to believe he would live-even in those last days.

My faith is being challenged in ways that I have chosen to ignore for a long time now. My faith is being challenged to believe in that which is unseen, not even really tangible, but it is being challenged to believe things that I once believed and held fast in my heart. It is not easy believing and trusting again after feeling that your faith failed and your son was not healed because of your lack of faith, that your marriage was not healed because of failure in faith...

I suppose I share all of this with you because maybe one of you is being challenged to have faith in something that is unseen, not tangible, or unbelievable! Our world dictates that Robert must have known he was going to die, he should have come to terms with his death and we should have accepted his dying. Well friends, I cannot say that I am much of a fan of what the world tells us to do. I am, and always have been, more inclined to live not as the world lives...

"For the vision awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, WAIT FOR IT; it will certainly come and not delay." Habakkuk 2:3.

Be strong and courageous today as you live your life. Be brave enough to believe...

Peace,
Kathy

Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inner visions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inner visions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Sunday, March 19, 2006 7:40 AM CST

It seems I have forgotten how to begin writing this page. I suppose I have written hundreds of pages here. I have always felt I should begin with a salutation, sort of like a letter being written to a long lost friend or distant relative that I am attempting to fill in the blanks of life for...

Do you ever think about the fact that your life is "unwritten". I am listening to the song called "Unwritten," by Natasha Bedingfield. It is one of Christina's and my favorite songs. Today I will call her into the livingroom and turn on the music and listen to it very loudly as we dance around the room. She is my dancing partner...she is a joy-she is the kind of young lady that warms your heart just by being in the same room with her, truly magnetic.

The lyrics to the song speak about how only you can speak the words on your lips, live your life with arms wide open, only you can fill the blank page before, the rest is still unwritten.

Unwritten, that is what our lives are before us. A blank page waiting to be written. The day your book becomes written and complete is the day that you die. I have been pondering this reality that death is truly the only universal reality that we all must face. I have concluded that it is possible to live life even without love, or at least the acknowledgement of it; and love comes in many forms, degrees and depths. There is so much with love that a person can miss and live an entire lifetime without ever realizing.

We like to think that love comes to all of us, that we are blessed to receive it, give it, fully realize it; but in our human form with all of our addictions, phobias, simple fears, complex fears and complicated lives, it is possible to live without love. It is not so with death-it comes to each of us in one form or another-the day we are born into this world we begin our journey toward death.

In the book "The Year of Magical Thinking" the author refers to the research and accounts of those close to people who have died and by many accounts they all say that it seemed that the person who died knew they were going to die soon...it seems that they made comments and had insight into the fact that they believed their time here was coming to an end. This is not pointed out to sound off the doom and gloom horn, it is an insight that the loved ones had looking back and recounting the time before they lost their loved one.

You see so much of the time after you lose a loved one is spent trying to figure out how to go back in time and fix whatever was necessary to change the outcome-death. This too I believe must be a universal feeling that we have when someone we love dies-our need to stop time, go back in time to fix whatever we could to keep their death away.

As I lie in bed this morning I had a thought about Robert that I have had many times since he died. I find myself wondering how he dealt with the obvious failing of his body. He had to be in horrible pain-he could barely move, his back hurt from the cancer that was spreading, he had fevers of 105 degrees non-stop for the final week of his life...he was bruised could not speak and his throat must have hurt so badly. NO amount of morphine in this world could have truly taken away all of his pain. In all of this, Robert remained lucid, rather pleasant, and sensitive to those around him.

I have spent alot of time listening to my own body as I have tried to imagine his failing. I hear my knees creak and ache and wonder how he must have felt not being able to move because of the pain. As I shed a tear for my son, I recall that Robert shed no tears for himself. I can only recall one time during transplant when he cried a bit and had hit the wall of frustration. I recall him crying once during treatment because he was going to miss his basketball game...he would sort of cry out of frustration because of all the pills he had to swallow, but I do not recall tears of sadness and tears from pain.

How can this be? Did Robert ever believe he would die? Did Robert ever give up believing that he would be completely healed and whole again? I have asked myself a million times every day since my son died if I truly believed that he would be healed and whole again or did I rescind to the fact that his cancer would kill him. I go back to Robert. I remember him to find my answers for my own faith.

I understand that Robert was just a child. He was all boy-it seems that Robert maybe knew that his body was failing, but I do not recall one moment with my son that ever indicated to me that he knew he would die; Robert I believe up until the very moment of his last breath thought he would be healed. The morning my sweet son left me was a Sunday morning as you may recall. There was such a strange majestic peace in his room that morning as Jeff and I waited by his side.

I had a vision that morning as I laid next to my son in his bed. My vision was of him going on ahead and seeing heaven. I saw that sweet excited smile on his face that always permeated your soul until you could not help but get excited. I saw him whole again, I saw him happy and free. I told him to go. As I laid there next to his failing earthly body laboring to breathe burning up with fever I knew that my son would not ever give up breathing if he thought for one minute he could not leave us...he loved us that much that if he could have stayed he would never have left. He fought hard to stay alive. That morning as his body went cold in my hands even as his feet were hard and cold to the touch and then his legs and his fingertips, then his tummy...he kept breathing-even after we removed the oxygen mask that he hated, he kept breathing...it was not until what I believe was the moment he saw heaven and our Lord did he choose to go.

My vision was for my son to be whole again. Whole and healed completely so that he could continue to live the enchanted life he had begun to live from the moment he was born. I must force myself to remember this as I search for courage to have faith again. IT takes ALOT of courage to have faith, to believe in a vision and that the page of your life which is unwritten can be written with words of hope and love and courage.

Robert is not here to write any of the pages of his life. He will never be here to write or re-write anything else. It has taken me a long time to realize this. I know it is time for me to start living with the kind of faith that my son did. He lived to the very end, if he knew he was going to die he certainly did not show it to us. We knew his body was failing, we knew it was obviously going to be taken by the cancer that chased him down. He, Robert-my son, I am convinced, did not.

The vision for Robert's life has been written, completed, finalized. His legacy remains, the lessons of his life can be shared but none are unwritten or can be altered-Robert's life is finished.

Our lives are before us. I think of those I love and hold so dearly in my heart-all of you. Do you realize that your life is full of blank pages? Is your life going to be lived with faith? Robert managed to live every day with faith to believe he would live-even in those last days.

My faith is being challenged in ways that I have chosen to ignore for a long time now. My faith is being challenged to believe in that which is unseen, not even really tangible, but it is being challenged to believe things that I once believed and held fast in my heart. It is not easy believing and trusting again after feeling that your faith failed and your son was not healed because of your lack of faith, that your marriage was not healed because of failure in faith...

I suppose I share all of this with you because maybe one of you is being challenged to have faith in something that is unseen, not tangible, or unbelievable! Our world dictates that Robert must have known he was going to die, he should have come to terms with his death and we should have accepted his dying. Well friends, I cannot say that I am much of a fan of what the world tells us to do. I am, and always have been, more inclined to live not as the world lives...

"For the vision awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, WAIT FOR IT; it will certainly come and not delay." Habakkuk 2:3.

Be strong and courageous today as you live your life. Be brave enough to believe...

Peace,
Kathy

Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Saturday, March 11, 2006 8:49 AM CST

I am listening to one of my favorite songs by Michael W. Smith, "Missing Person". I love it because of this phrase..."there was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain, and like child he would believe without a reason, without a trace, he disappeared into the void...I have been searching for that missing person..." I know that Mr. Smith was not referring to my son-and I know that Robert did not disappear into a void...but he is gone without a trace, and he certainly had the faith to move mountains without any reason-only to live. So, this morning as my stomach refuses to digest food from all the discouragement my mind and heart have been fighting all week, I listened to these words praying for peace. My soul aches for my sweet friends...my soul aches for where they are now, where they are going, and for the time that comes after someone we love "disappears into the void."

I have been praying with what I thought was the faith to move a mountain. It seems that mountain is being moved, just not in the way I and so many have hoped. You know my sweet precious friend, Cameron-his cancer has once again come back. It seems this will be the last time he fights his cancer-it seems it has won. The doctors say no more treatment, just savor the moments you have left. "Savor"-I have never known any family in my life that has learned the art of savoring moments as this precious family. They have so carefully plotted their attack on cancer all the while spreading hope and joy and wisdom as they journeyed. How do you end such a journey-how blessed we all that they have chosen to exude such grace and love that we are blessed while they endure the pain of life that has truly no words to describe it. Their journey continues, it only seems to have an ending in sight...

Jessica had a wonderful 16th birthday. Thank you for wishing her well. She deserves every well wish you can give her. Her heart has been so heavy over Cameron-I shall say no more. She was definitely surprised and there are not too many times in a mother's life that she gets to be blessed with seeing such pure joy on her child's face-especially when they are teenagers!

Last Monday Matthew came to me after he took a ride around the neighborhood with an idea. He told me that he wanted to build a "gravesite" for Robert at the "duck pond" where he always used to fish. All around our neighborhood are canals, down our dead-end street is where Robert would fish with his "dough". Matthew had his heart set on putting something there that he could visit to think about his brother. So...I said, find a picture ( I sort of figured I needed to make sure and see how determined he was). He found a picture-one of Robert in the last days of his life with Angel our dog. I asked Matt if he was sure he wanted to use that photo, his reply "yeah, Mom it has my two most favorite people in the world in it, Robert and Angel!" I told him to find a stick-he found a perfect one in about 2 seconds. This boy meant business. I told him that we had to laminate it at school to protect it from rain and such. So...we laminated-by Wednesday he with the help of his best bud's Dad he had a picture mounted on a stick. He gleefully reported that he had duct taped the photo and put the stick in place.

For the next week Matthew went every single day as soon we got home from school or anywhere to visit Robert's "place." He took any child that was over at our house down the road to see it. One of the girl's said "I am so excited, I can't always go to his grave but now I can go here whenever I want." Another neighbor girl commented, "how cool we have a gravesite for Robert!" Okay, yes, I am at this point feeling trapped in a made for t.v movie! Every day my son Matthew went to his place for my son Robert-he would walk with Angel to visit...he put a baseball there; he put a Star Wars figure there. He took his Dad there...I told Matthew to not put too much down there I was worried a kid would steal it...

So, last Saturday evening after basketball we visited Robert's grave-the real one. The kids sat on his bench. I laid on the grass. Then we all laid on the grass watching the clouds...on our way home Matthew and I went to check on his place-it was getting to dark for him and the dog to alone. IT WAS GONE! NOT A STITCH OF IT LEFT-GONE! The only thing left was a couple of shells; all gone...Matthew was crushed. "Mom, who would do such a thing, why would they take this! " We parked, we started looking everywhere, in the bushes, in the water...no sign of it. We got in the car, Matt said, "Wait, I see something!" (Again, not a scene from a made for t.v. movie) He jumps out the car and looks through the trees, "I see it Mom, you were right it is in the water!" Sure enough there was Robert's face floating in the water. Thank goodness it got caught in the lily pads. So, we tried to fish it out...after many attempts and the setting sun we headed home. NO luck. In the car Matthew says, "Mom why is the world so cruel, We live in such a cruel world, Mom, I just don't understand why anyone would do this..."

At home in the trash pile I spotted a long piece of wood trim from the side of the house. Matt and I were simply too short to reach the stick with Robert's photo on it; even with me holding onto Matthew's shirt and him standing on the bank of the canal-we could not reach it. There we were the two of us throwing tree branches out to try to snag the stick of Robert. I told Matt, "see the laminate worked, the picture is not wet!" So at home I loaded the long piece of trim in my car, and took my young son to go fish out his brother from the canal...

So, there we were, Matthew and I fishing for Robert in the place where Robert used to fish!

Need I say more...life it is about choices. WE DID NOT GIVE UP, ME AND MY SON FISHED OUT OUR ROBERT...

Matthew will rebuild his monument to his brother. I will continue to feel like a live in some strangely scripted story that is all too real.

Remember the book I told you about "The Year of Magical Thinking" I might entitled mine, "The YEARS of Magical Thinking!!!"

Thank you for continuing to read here. I continue to fight my way to this page. Life continues to move along. As each of you read this please know that my heart and thoughts are full with your lives and wonderful visions of your thoughtfulness toward me.

Peace world-all is well.
Kathy

Monday, February 27, 2006 6:51 PM CST

Good day...it has been a long time-too long. Wow, almost a month since my last posting-that must be a record. I have written about a gazillion pages in my mind this past month; it is so hard to find the energy at the end of the day-or the time in the morning...sad, but true. I keep hoping for the time and energy to share my thougths, because you can imagine that they are many, but I have not found my niche. I have been reading a wonderful book. The first one that I have read about grief that actually is one that I want to finish reading. I have read it as if I could have written it myself. I would recommend to anyone who has lost someone, or knows someone who has lost someone. It is called "The Year of Magical Thinking." It was given to me by a very unlikely source, someone that most would not expect me to have received such a special gift-Jeff's wife, Barbara. How ironic? I have much to share that I have thought of during this time of reading this book. I promise to share it with you-I have been making notes in the book...

BUT, I have much more exciting, important, AMAZING news to share on this page today...Tuesday, February 28th is the 16th birthday of my beloved Jessica Noel!

HER SWEET 16!!!! How exciting, right?!

The day I became the mother to that very special baby girl was the most amazing of days and most blessed answer to a prayer of my heart and soul I have ever realized. I truly wanted a baby girl born on February 28th. I am not sure why, it was just sort of the yearning of my heart-I truly wanted her born in my birth month, and something in me really wanted a little girl. Everywhere I went while I was pregnant people would stop and say, "that's a baby boy if I ever saw one" (referring to my belly). I did not even tell Jeff of my heart's desire, only God knew it.

All 9 pounds 1 ounce of her was something to behold from the moment she appeared. I can still see her little face and blinking eyes looking up and all around as she emerged into this world. She was lying "sunnyside up" in utero and she was very slow to join us here in the world; she seemed to never want to leave her cozy spot. But, she finally emerged and looked all around and blinked her eyes not making a sound-no one could believe she was so big...my belly was not that big and she was a bit eary on her arrival date.

My early days when it was just her and I were some of my happiest in my life-Jessica was special from the moment she arrived.

Jessica is still just as special. My beautiful daughter may be a teenager now full of all the forces of nature that come with being a teenager, but she has an amazing ability to make you believe in yourself and feel better about yourself...yes, she is just as good at doing just the opposite, but when Jessica tells you something, anything, you know it is the truth, it is heartfelt and her words make you feel that you could conquer the world.

I am very proud of my daughter. Proud the big sister she is, proud of the friend she is, proud of everything that forms her into the person that she is...

Jess, life has shown you it's most awful of colors-you my sweet child have learned to paint them into a portrait of life that makes me your mother so proud, so happy, so full of hope I want you to know that.

Happy Birthday my Sweet 16!!! May this be the beginning of many wonderful magical years of thinking, growing and painting life full of wonderful color...

I will always love you-more than just another day...

Peace,
Kathy

Thursday, February 2, 2006 9:27 PM CST

Hello there. I realized today as I piddled around the house cleaning up dust bunnies how you all must feel. You click on this site time and time again only to see no update...I do know how this feels. I have done that many times with other pages that after a time families have stopped updating...in some ways, I suppose it means that they have moved on in life and are so busy they do not need this place to come to. So, if that be the case, it is a blessing I suppose.

I have to tell you, for me, the only way to find my way so much of the time is not to think of Robert. In some ways, he is so far away, he seems to have been here a lifetime ago. Yet, he is frozen in my mind as precious as the day he left this place. I feel so old; young in many ways, in my heart, but in my mind-so old...as I sat watching Matthew and Christina at basketball the other day, I realized how basketball used to be Robert's sport-of course Jeff was the original basketball fanatic-but Robert was the first and so completely devoted to the team he played on at church. So now Matthew and Christina play-it is their 4th season. Now I realize as I sit among all the parents, there are only a few there who ever knew Robert. Robert would be too old to play in that league any longer. I realized now I cannot look at the boys that were his peers and see a glimpse of him playing his game. He seems to have vanished from that place.

Moving on in life after the death of a child, or any loved one, means leaving the life you lived with them far behind...it is so strange. How do you truly ever "move on" and live when you are always carrying the thought and memory of someone who has vanished with you. At times, you almost feel as if he were never here. Life seems to almost force you to move on and forget...

Since I have started my new job, I have really left behind not only so much of my life that was connected to my life with Robert, but my life that was connected to the world of cancer. Until today. Actually, until yesterday. February 1st. That awful world of cancer is still very real and present for some very dear friends of mine. My one good friend's son will be having a bone marrow transplant next week; the anniversary of Robert's diagnosis-my birthday. Another precious friend's son is also facing the most tumultuous of time with his disease; next week will be as crucial as a transplant for him...

Would you be so kind, in honor of Robert, in honor of his diagnosis of cancer, and his relapse-all in February-would you please visit these two families on their sites and pray: www.caringbridge.org/fl/camspage www.caringbridge.org/fl/kylep

These two moms are some of my dearest friends. We are ten years apart-one ten years older than me, the other ten years younger. We are all mothers to boys with cancer. All of our sons have relapsed...we are mothers with dreams, hopes, very deep souls full of love and hope. How can it be that we have so much in common, and unfortunately our sons have too much in common.

My heart is heavy for them. I want them to get to keep their sons. Join me in this. A simple prayer, "Please Lord, let them keep their sons...give them life." Robert loved life so much, even when he was sick that I think he would have wanted more of it. I have no doubt that now, being on the other side he would not return. But, he sure knew how to live.

39-that is how old I will be on Sunday. After the birth of Matthew when I was 29 I told Jeff and my doctor that I would be georgeous when I was 40! I only have one year left! I wanted to take the children ice skating for my birthday the year we found out Robert had cancer. We went on a Sunday. We had fun-Robert was so weak, it haunts me how he would not even skate-my son the athlete. He kept saying, "Mom, I am just so tired. I am going to go lay over there and watch the cartoons (that were on the tv in the pool table area)." I told him he could, and I stood there watching my son try to walk across the room. At that moment in time I knew in my heart of hearts something was terribly wrong with my son. I can still see the tv, the bench where he lay waiting for us to leave. He was watching Bugs Bunny. I told Jeff I knew something was terribly wrong. By Wednesday, 3 days later, we knew.

Please pray for Cameron, please pray for Kyle. I beseech you.

Ah, thank you for not giving up on this page. For not leaving the world of cancer that brought us together.

Peace-Kathy

Wednesday, January 18, 2006 8:13 AM CST

Good Day! Happy Belated New Year! I must apologize for my complete lack of writing...I do miss it, but am still adjusting to the new schedule and life instances that keep us all on our toes...life is good, busy, like everyone elses, but good.

The children and I had a lovely holiday season this year. I was so grateful to be able to be home with them this break and it was so normal and such a good fit for us as a family I am so grateful for my new position and place in the world.

I must tell you the best news I have received in some time. One of my younger brothers and his wife are proud new parents! I am thrilled that we have a new addition to the family-a little boy no less! I am sure that Matthew will love having another boy in the family-so congratulations to them and God bless them all with much health and love and looooonnnnngggg lives! Unfortunately for us, my brother is part of the northern contigency of the family so we do not get to see them very often-did I hear someone say, "roadtrip!?" Maybe we will make it north this summer.

I am in the middle of my school day. On one of my very brief breaks...teachers do not stop at all during the day-it is so cool-I actually like working at a break neck pace all day long, it keeps me out of trouble! :)

Thank you for being so faithful and staying with us this long...for some of you it has been 4 years! Can you believe it. I must admit, NONE of us anticipated the outcome of this family's life that has unfolded before our eyes. Four short years ago Robert was doing great on treatment and a healthy 5th grader getting ready to "audition" for middle school in the visual arts area. Now it is Christina's turn to "audition" for the Middle School of the Arts-we are hoping that she can attend there it is a wonderful school. Thank goodness I did not know then, what I know now...life has been interesting to say the least.

Just in case you are wondering, the IRS, it never has managed to go away or finish their "business" with us! Can you imagine!

May the new year bring much love, joy, peace, patience and kindness to you and your families.

Peace my friends, all is well.
Kathy

Tuesday, December 20, 2005 8:14 AM CST

Remarkable, isn't it? Time flies by no matter what your circumstance. Did you ever watch the movie Superman? Remember when he spun the world backwards to make time go back to save Lois? How cool was that! Now that is my kind of super power. You have to figure if you had the power to turn the world on its axis backwards in time then you pretty much must have all sorts of other super powers to go wtih that one!

I find myself wondering something--"Do you Believe?" We have watched the movie "The Polar Express" a few times-I have watched bits and pieces of it here and there. I am totally intrigued by this movie. Just last night I watched bits of it again. It brings to mind how much we miss in life because of those 18" between our minds and our hearts. So much gets lost within that foot and a half of space stands between so many things for most of us.

My classroom is full of children who believe. Truly they know that Santa Claus is real. It is remarkable. It brings me hope. As I see the purity on their faces when they speak of this character I realize that the 18" between their minds and hearts is still connected. They have faith. Do you believe?

My heart has been so heavy with thoughts of Robert's absence from my life. It weighs on me the loss of his presence. I realized this week that I do not have to "believe" for him for anything anymore...he is gone; he is I trust in heaven. He no longers requires the faith and love and devotion of his mother to help him learn to connect the 18" between his mind and heart. I thought of him last night-he truly had his mind and heart connected. He taught me again to get mine connected. If he in his weaked, cancer-filled state could believe than who was I to not believe.

As my heart is so heavy with the absence of my son, my heart is also very heavy with the very real presence of two precious boys who are fighting for their lives. I think of their mothers. I think of how desperately they need to have their hearts and minds connected to believe yet again for the complete healing of their child. How proud I am to say that they do...the faith of the righteous avails much; what greater faith is there than a mother who believes completely with her mind and her heart that she is doing everything medically possible for her child to live.

Knowing that a mother who has faced tremendous odds, obstacles and valleys can still believe teaches me so much. How can we not believe? How dare we fail to allow our hearts and minds to connect to let the faith that dwells deep within our hearts connect to our minds and take flight. Our world needs us to believe.

So this Christmas season for me represents the spirit of belief. Belief in something far greater, unseen, unimaginable and more amazing than I could have ever hoped for before. I am believing in the power of love, of healing, of joy, hope and peace...I am believing with the mothers of 2 precious boys that they will be healed and live full blessed lives.

As the movie "The Polar Express" ends, the character begs the question, "Do you Believe?" I wonder...do you?

I do not ask in what do you believe. That is for each of us to decide. It is not for us to debate-or question-I am challenging you to ask, "Do I believe?"

So many times I am tempted to disconnect my mind and my heart-anger, stress, aches and pains all tempt me to disconnect...I am believing that I can stay connected, must stay connected and will stay connected. If not for myself, than I must stay connected so that my 2 dear friends, mothers like myself, know that I am standing in the gap with them believing in something far greater than medicine to beat the odds. I must stay connected for my children-I must stay connected for myself-for me to disconnect means I choose not to love.

Stay connected. Search your hearts and minds this season for that which the spirit of the season represents-and choose to BELIEVE!

May peace dwell within your souls this season...all is well.

Merry Christmas!
Kathy

Monday, December 5, 2005 10:26 AM CST

Happy Monday! I blinked and last week was over-I sneezed and the weekend was ended--I sighed and it apparently turned into Monday last night while I was sleeping! "As the world turns and becomes the days of our lives I become much less young and much more restless--yet alas, to my first graders and my 10 year old daughter, I am very bold and dare I say, beautiful!" Witty you say, I could use all the wit, charm and laughter I can muster these days believe me.

I hit the wall yesterday. I crashed head on going a million miles a minute-it hurt. Okay Moms, you know the kind of crashing I am referring to. The kind where you know the hormones are starting to rage because the same old shoes left by the door that only merited a brief reprimand are now meriting a full week long grounding! The kind of crashing when everything that could go wrong seems to be going wrong and all you want to do is have really good cry right in the middle of Target!

Why is it that so many ornaments only come in sets of three? I used to pride myself on finding four of something, or 2 for the boys and 2 for the girls-I looked in my cart and had two different adorable Nutcracker stocking holders for my boys-one in red and one in blue--than it hit me; I have only one boy at home now. It really hit me...that wall that I have been zooming head on for going like a bat out of you know where for 3 years trying to avoid...that wall of tears, anger, denial--deep sadness. Right there in the Christmas lane at Target the tears started to flow and I was so afraid I would not be able to stop them...so I quickly emptied my cart of the stocking holders and decided to forget them!

I called my Mom. I asked her which was worse, the fact that I was crying like a baby in Target or that no one even noticed this sad woman with tears streaming down her face--ho ho ho-tis the season for insane women crying in Target! I soon acknowledged that is was probably best that no one noticed, I really might have lost it.

I did managed to buy some of what I went for-I managed to buy some groceries and other things I needed. I suppose the fact that my mind and soul are in complete turmoil does not mean my children should go without Rice Krispies! I managed to exhale and still spent over a hundred bucks!

Unfortunately, the meltdown continued...as I tried to make a path to the attic ladder to get down the decorations for the house I lost it again. I quit. I rounded up the kids, kissed them all, told them what to do for dinner and ran away...I gave up on Christmas and all of its finery yesterday. Sorry world. My tree is standing bare...maybe tonight, maybe not.

Sweet faithful friends who read my ramblings-know that I made it home safely, know that Matthew's crying on the phone afraid that I might not return home did not fall on an empty heart and deafened ears-I needed a time out. I think I need about a week's time out...

I must jet off at the speed of sound and collect my class of children from the lunch room...hopefully no one threw food or clobbered anyone so we can go to recess!!! ;)

Thank you for listening, there is a lesson within these ramblings I suppose...I am pondering it.

Peace to you and yours,
Kathy

P.S. Please be kind and remember that I do have a very capable older daughter who was home with my young ones when I flew the coop!

Monday, November 28, 2005 5:30 AM CST

Good Monday morning world! Here we go again, another week is upon us.

I have to admit, I am very glad I did not spend Thanksgiving curled up in my bed under the covers as I thought I might! We had the most wonderful of days together. I think it was because Mr. Matthew, aka "puppy", had the best birthday ever. He was so happy and exuberant that it was contagious. Matthew makes everyone happy. He has that spirit-he does remind me of his brother. He was fortunate enough to get everything he wanted for his birthday-including mail!!! Thank you for your well wishes.

I am anxious this morning. Maybe that is why I took a minute to come here to this place that has brought me so much solace over these years. We all need a place that brings us peace. A place where our thoughts can be spent out so that we can move on...I am anxious about school. I am dealing with a situation with a student that makes the day very difficult. I am trying to stay very positive and know that no matter what is happening I have 21 other students that must be taught, loved, and led in my class.

It is a mixed blessing-as is so many of the blessing that life affords us. The luxury of living can be costly-remember my thoughts on fear, "fear can be costly, it can cost us everything!" So, as I begin this new week, I vow not to be afraid. "Fear not for I go before you..." "Fear not for I am WITH you always, even to the end of days...." The other day when I was working on some Christmas shopping this very sweet woman said to me as she checked out my items, "God is with you..." Ah, indeed, God is with me. He is with you as well.

I do trust that your time over Thanksgiving was one that blessed your soul. I am so glad I did not stay under the covers, I would have missed so much...

Remember, God is with you.

All is well-Peace,
Kathy

Wednesday, November 23, 2005 10:47 PM CST

Here we are again...so much to be thankful for.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATTHEW!

As we all gather together wherever we are, may we be grateful, thankful, hopeful and at peace.

I am thankful for more...thankful that more is not all that I want, more shoes, more clothes, more money, more toys...thankful that more is not all that I want. I am thankful for enough...enough shoes, clothes, money and toys...I am thankful that in my life I have come face to face with the reality that I have enough of all the things that this world has to offer...

I am thankful that what I want more of in my life is-more of love, more of happiness, more of joy-more of me to be able to give these things. I am thankful that I expect me to be able to love more, be more joyous, be happier-and give more of myself. I am thankful that in this life I have been able to have the opportunity to live long enough to come to realize that in giving of myself I will always have enough.

I am thankful for the love in my life that comes from the people that love me. It is a gift that I can never measure, repay or be thankful enough for.

I am thankful that I still have one of my favorite photos of a very special boy, my Robert. It is a picture of us on Thanksgiving. He is hugging me tightly with both arms wrapped around me grinning ear to ear as he beamed looking on at the feast set before our family-his face illuminated with such joy and he was holding on to his mother with all of his might. I am thankful for what that simple photograph has taught me over these years...

I am MOST thankful this day for my sweetest of Thanksgiving blessings-my Matthew! Today is his 9th Birthday-

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATTHEW!!! IT IS FINALLY HERE-YOU ARE THE BEST 9 YEAR OLD KID IN THE WORLD! I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!!

Blessings to you all on this most wonderful of days-we have much to be thankful, we are still breathing after all!

Peace, Kathy

Thursday, November 17, 2005 8:04 PM CST

This day has been so interesting. A strange day of blessing and pain. I have been having to deal with a very difficult situation in my classroom with a student. Everyday has been a serious, exhausting challenge. Today, there seemed to be a tremendous amount of grace abounding and as I spoke with our Assistant Principal about the situation and how to handle it, she ended our talk with " we are just going to have to move forward from here...things should have been handled differently in the past, but from this point on we must simply move forward..." I wholeheartedly agreed. What an insightful woman.

Thank you all for reaching out to me this day, thank you for remembering Robert.

I have to tell you though, tonight as the sun set, the strangest thing happened. The weather change as a front began to move in. As I sat here tonight reading the entries in the guestbook remembering Robert I could hear the rain pouring down outside-out of nowhere...the wind was blowing, it had become very cool outside as this day came to a close. Someone just said to me on the phone..."what about this weather, it is so strange isn't it." Than I read what my very insightful friend Christi pointed out...she wrote someting like this, -as I recall I do not remember you writing about Robert's final days, only mentioning the wind and such...- She is right. I have looked back in the journal entries many times and re-read my pages. I always thought I had written an accounting of Robert's passing, it either was one that got lost in cyberspace, or has been deleted...

Here it is. On Saturday, November 16, 2003, by the end of the day Robert had become much sicker. His day hospice nurse told us it would only be a matter of a short while that he would be able to continue breathing. She told us that on Friday. She was so pleased when she returned the next day to find him alive and alert. Robert's body temperature stayed at 105 degrees; we constantly kept cool towels on him and we alternated between pain meds and tylenol suppositories because his throat was so swollen he could barely swallow. All of his antibiotics and chemos had been stopped at this point. We no longer ran labs because Jeff and I could not bear to see his white blood cells skyrocketing as we knew they were; we could not bear to read the level of disease that was consuming his body. We fought hard with hospice to keep the platelets coming-friends donated to help replenish the supply. I told them that my son's last days would be as dignified as possible. Without the platelets his body would have hardened and bruised horribly. Robert's lips were chapped and cracked. All he wanted was sips of water and milk. He up the last moment he was fully aware of eveyrthing and everyone in his room. He would tell me when to close his bedroom door, who to let in and who to shut out. I was his gatekeeper.

That evening we phone church. Pastor prayed and prayed as he got word that Robert was so critical. Friends swarmed the house, family never left. That evening Robert was surrounded by 3 pastors praying over him. He was barely conscious. At one point in his dreamlike state when the pastors were praying he seemed to be wrestling and wrestling. Jeff was on one side of him, I was on the other....in his dream he reached out to the left of him and found my hand-he gripped it so tightly to his chest-immediately he reached out the other hand and found his dad standing right where he knew he would be and pulled his hand to his chest as well. He gripped us so tightly as he tossed his head and moved in bed. The pastor was amazed at this, he said " he is wrestling with God as Jacob did..." Jeff said he was negotiating for more time. Later that evening when Jeff took Robert to the bathroom for the last time-he carried him in there-Jeff asked him, "were you negotiating for more time; were you talking to Jesus..." Robert said yes, I want more time...he could barely speak.

Robert's voice was so hoarse it was painful to hear him speak. His throat was raw from the bronchial procedure done on him that last awful night at St. Mary's. They performed a bronchoscopy on him to look at his lungs-it tore up his throat and he had no wbc to help it heal. So, he had no voice the last week of his life. He would get so frustrated when he tried to speak-sometimes he would just give up-most times I would get right up next to his mouth so that I could hear him. On Wednesday of that week we watched the last Star Wars movie he would see-you may recall this story.

It grew late on Saturday night. I had refused the hospice nurse as I had to send to many of them home at night because they were afraid to face Robert. God sent an old family friend, a very qualified special nurse to come be with us that night. I sat with my head on Robert's bed right next to him all night that night...he was unconscious. His last words were spoken when he awoke for the last time and wanted me to sit him up in bed. He anxiously pointed at the door in his room; there was light peeking through the top of the door-he kept trying to show me something that he was seeing-he said, "MOM! MOM! MOM!" Pointing hard to show me...frustrated he shook his head and wanted to lay back down. I calmed him down cooled him off with a cool towel-and he slept like a baby.

His sleeping had been so bad for weeks. His bladder had deteriorated so much from disease and radiation that it bled all the time. He felt as if he had to go to the bathroom every minute; this freaked him out and stressed him out terribly. It was only the last week or so that I managed to get him to wear depends so that he could sleep longer than 5 mins. at a time. We changed his blood soaked adult diapers all day long-all day long for that last week; he would get out of bed to go to the bathroom, but he could not do this all day.

So that last night, he slept like a baby. I laid there listening to every breath as if each were the final one; I had heard that a person dying breathed differently-now I was hearing these breaths. I awoke from a sound sleep at about 5 am that Sunday morning. I had heard a strange breath sound come from Robert-a sort of gasp. It startled me awake. Our friend and nurse looked at me and said, "he is getting close, the end is near..." I shuddered knowing this to be true...I went and got Jeff.

There we were, just the 3 of us. Jeff on one side, me on the other. Jeff put on a praise tape and we sang songs to Robert. We praised and prayed and talked to our son. As the sun began to rise outside we opened all the blinds in the room so that we could see the orange tree outside his window and gaze at the new day. We talked to our son. At this point I curled up in bed next to Robert as I had done so many times before-I laid my head next to Robert's resting it on my shoulder where he always liked to rest it. I began to talk to him. I told him that I knew it was time for him to go...I told him that he was safe, that he was where he always wanted to be surrounded by his family. I touched his feet and felt that they were growing cold. I could hear his breathing getting much weaker. I told Jeff that he was leaving, the warmth was leaving his body. I told Jeff that he was waiting for us to tell him he could go...I laid there looking up and having a vision. I said to my son, "it is just like when we are at the beach, just like when you would wake up before everyone and go down to the beach to fish...you knew you could go, you knew that your family was all safe in the house and that we would be right there together..." I then said, "I see you Robert, you have gone on ahead, just like at the beach..." I said, "I see you there, I know you need to go..." I told him it was okay to go. Jeff and I decided to remove his breathing mask so that he would be free. We wanted him to look down and see that he was free from all that had harmed him these past 1 and a half years. We told him to go, that we would be alright. The wind whipped through the air outside, and in an instant, Robert stopped breathing and his body was cold. Just like that he was gone.

It was just before 8 a.m. Jeff stood there, I remember, we were both so stunned. I stared at Robert, I remember thinking okay Lord, you can wake him up now, now would be the time to give us that miracle. I stared at my son's lifeless body expecting him to be healed and whole again, I really believed he could be healed. Nevertheless, it did not come to us as we prayed. I told Jeff that we should go get the children. They were all asleep in our bedroom. Jeff went and came back with the children. They had all instinctively woke up and came in the room almost floating. Our little family was shattered in those moments, so stunned and at the same time so at peace. The silence that fell upon Robert's room was so peaceful.

The children each said there goodbyes; touching there brother, Matthew sitting with me a bit. I do not remember if Jessica stayed long in there. I do remember how Christina put her head to Robert's chest trying to hear his heart. She helped the nurse as she wiped him mouth and listened for his heart again with her stethescope. Christina wrote the nurses final notes about Robert's death on her hospice page. I told Jeff to call the family and let each of them come to say their goodbyes...I left my son's room in a daze and went to take a shower-I know I was in a bit of a shock and had to find a way to get through the next awful hours and days.

Robert was gone just like that. In an instant, quietly, peacefully, prayerfully-he left us. As it is tonight, the weather mimicked almost regaled Robert's leaving...the heaven's opened up to receive someone that we fought so hard to keep. In the end, no amount of prayer could bring healing to Robert...not here at least. He had to go home to heaven and leave us behind to get his healing that he longed for...cancer crept in like a thief in the night, but we did not go silently into the night and darkness that cancer brings. Robert led the charge against his disease and the dismay that threatens to take all of us with it...he in the end won.

I am listening to the pouring rain outside, my young son Matthew has crept in here and fallen asleep on my outstretched legs. He saw my tears and watched me type and quietly nodded off to sleep getting ready to turn 9 years old. Tomorrow is Friday, and I do not hate them anymore-I enjoy them now. I guess some change is good.

Thank you for taking the time to read and follow along.
Peace, Kathy

***I am going to include my entry from Nov. 16th.***

Hello. Ah, you knew I would be here on this day. Strange the days we hold dear in our hearts as we live our lives. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and the day we remember that someone we loved slipped away from our lives, what kind of day is that one.

I must admit the finality of the death of my son is too much to truly contemplate. Yet, in our own way, each of us within this family has had to come to terms with it. In some ways, some of us still avoid the reality that Robert is gone, in other ways we try to muddle through voicing our feelings of loss and disappointment, anger and sorrow...in other ways we most definitely live to honor the life of that remarkable boy.

Tonight I am home alone. I can hear Angel chomping on her food in the other room, other than that there is no sound in the house-oh, there is the familiar humming of the computer. A comforting sound. Being alone tonight has allowed me to indulge-to go back in time, to recall and remember. Yes, I have cried like a baby.

The night before Robert died, that Saturday night, was not particularly one of my favorite of nights. It was so creepy living in the reality that he was dying. The way the weather and the sky seemed to mimic the emotions and turmoil that we all felt as we knew his body was failing. He labored so in his breathing. He slipped in and out of consciousness. When he was awake, he was so coherent, so much alive. He wanted to live on and on...we all knew it.

As I look back on those final days and the days following Robert's death, I recall knowing that those around me were whispering about me. Everyone looked at the mother of this sweet boy and wondered when she would snap. I realized that my calm was unnerving and seemingly bizarre. Not to me. The calm that enveloped me was grace, it was a gift. It was exactly what I needed and prayed to have. You see, I was writing a book, making a sort of indullible print in my mind and heart of my son's final days. I wanted nothing more than for my son to live-to be alive. But, reality screamed at us every moment of every day-the pain, the fevers, the bleeding, the swelling, the oxygen machine so loud in the room-the medicines, the diapers, the cold rags, the sweaty bed sheets, the itching, the crying, the unquenchable thirst...all of it, every moment needed to be remembered and never forgotten by someone-I decided that someone would be me-Robert's Mom.

At his funeral, there I was, so calm it was eery I know. I had to be able to remember everything. I did not want to miss a moment because my eyes were so swollen and full of tears that I could not see. I have time to cry like that now for Robert-you see he is no longer here-all I have left are those memories of his precious time here. I wish I had more of them-

Tonight I did something I have never done. I went to Robert's grave, alone in the dark. It is the first time that I have been there since the hurricane blew through. Last year after the hurricane I had to go there right away, as if his marker or grave might have been blown away-this year, I could not bear to know that it was STILL there. So I went there, alone in the dark. It was creepy and lovely all at the same time. I am always so aware that every person buried there has someone who loved them somewhere..

I crouched down at my son's grave. Amazed that all the momentos were still there after the hurricane...even Matthew's Star Wars plane he built for his brother. Finally, I laid down in the grass on his grave-this I have never done. I laid there sobbing looking up into the sky above. The night sky was full of clouds illuminated from behind by the full moon. I wanted to lie down next to my son one more time just as I used to do all the time in his hospital bed and in his bed at home...the only problem was, besides the obvious, I did not know which way his body was lying in his grave beneath me...so...there I lay-remembering my sweet son. The boy who could charm the dickens out of his Mimi and pick a fight with his big sister all in a blink of an eye. The boy who looked after his little brother and even though she pestered him, loved his little sister. The son who taught his mother how to love and laugh again and gave his father the courage to face each new day...remember him-remember him? REMEMBER HIM!

Ah, yes, sweet Robert Mitchel Charlton, we remember you. I love you son, and miss you more than I could have imagined.

Peace to you all-peace and grace, and love and hope and promises and devotion and all that is good in this life-may you find it, dwell on it, and live it-Robert did.

All is well with my soul,
Kathy

Wednesday, November 16, 2005 7:37 PM CST

Hello. Ah, you knew I would be here on this day. Strange the days we hold dear in our hearts as we live our lives. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and the day we remember that someone we loved slipped away from our lives, what kind of day is that one.

I must admit the finality of the death of my son is too much to truly contemplate. Yet, in our own way, each of us within this family has had to come to terms with it. In some ways, some of us still avoid the reality that Robert is gone, in other ways we try to muddle through voicing our feelings of loss and disappointment, anger and sorrow...in other ways we most definitely live to honor the life of that remarkable boy.

Tonight I am home alone. I can hear Angel chomping on her food in the other room, other than that there is no sound in the house-oh, there is the familiar humming of the computer. A comforting sound. Being alone tonight has allowed me to indulge-to go back in time, to recall and remember. Yes, I have cried like a baby.

The night before Robert died, that Saturday night, was not particularly one of my favorite of nights. It was so creepy living in the reality that he was dying. The way the weather and the sky seemed to mimic the emotions and turmoil that we all felt as we knew his body was failing. He labored so in his breathing. He slipped in and out of consciousness. When he was awake, he was so coherent, so much alive. He wanted to live on and on...we all knew it.

As I look back on those final days and the days following Robert's death, I recall knowing that those around me were whispering about me. Everyone looked at the mother of this sweet boy and wondered when she would snap. I realized that my calm was unnerving and seemingly bizarre. Not to me. The calm that enveloped me was grace, it was a gift. It was exactly what I needed and prayed to have. You see, I was writing a book, making a sort of indullible print in my mind and heart of my son's final days. I wanted nothing more than for my son to live-to be alive. But, reality screamed at us every moment of every day-the pain, the fevers, the bleeding, the swelling, the oxygen machine so loud in the room-the medicines, the diapers, the cold rags, the sweaty bed sheets, the itching, the crying, the unquenchable thirst...all of it, every moment needed to be remembered and never forgotten by someone-I decided that someone would be me-Robert's Mom.

At his funeral, there I was, so calm it was eery I know. I had to be able to remember everything. I did not want to miss a moment because my eyes were so swollen and full of tears that I could not see. I have time to cry like that now for Robert-you see he is no longer here-all I have left are those memories of his precious time here. I wish I had more of them-

Tonight I did something I have never done. I went to Robert's grave, alone in the dark. It is the first time that I have been there since the hurricane blew through. Last year after the hurricane I had to go there right away, as if his marker or grave might have been blown away-this year, I could not bear to know that it was STILL there. So I went there, alone in the dark. It was creepy and lovely all at the same time. I am always so aware that every person buried there has someone who loved them somewhere..

I crouched down at my son's grave. Amazed that all the momentos were still there after the hurricane...even Matthew's Star Wars plane he built for his brother. Finally, I laid down in the grass on his grave-this I have never done. I laid there sobbing looking up into the sky above. The night sky was full of clouds illuminated from behind by the full moon. I wanted to lie down next to my son one more time just as I used to do all the time in his hospital bed and in his bed at home...the only problem was, besides the obvious, I did not know which way his body was lying in his grave beneath me...so...there I lay-remembering my sweet son. The boy who could charm the dickens out of his Mimi and pick a fight with his big sister all in a blink of an eye. The boy who looked after his little brother and even though she pestered him, loved his little sister. The son who taught his mother how to love and laugh again and gave his father the courage to face each new day...remember him-remember him? REMEMBER HIM!

Ah, yes, sweet Robert Mitchel Charlton, we remember you. I love you son, and miss you more than I could have imagined.

Peace to you all-peace and grace, and love and hope and promises and devotion and all that is good in this life-may you find it, dwell on it, and live it-Robert did.

All is well with my soul,
Kathy

Sunday, November 13, 2005 6:19 PM CST

Hello out there. I hate to look at the date. Thank goodness this month is full of wonderful memories of births-my Mom, my neice Tina, my brother Bryan, Uncle Steve, and of course my delightful Matthew!

This week was a continued whirlwind of the past several weeks. I am going to thoroughly enjoy my time off at Christmas. I am exhausted. I spent the beginning part of the week preparing my room-who knew teachers rooms came with no supplies. Thank goodness the staff at my school is so generous-they have really reached out to me. It is a bit overwhelming all that I am learning. One day was spent sitting in an orientation meeting where all the benefits and guts of working for the school board were discussed, or rather deciphered. I wish I could afford to enjoy all the benefits they offer-however, I can only afford the necessities. Maybe some day I can partake in the investment plans and such.

Friday was my first official day with my children. After meeting with the parents that came by to meet me I went from class to class to pick up my children. There were 4 very crowded classes and each gave me some children that formed my new class. This was interesting collecting these children in this way. Thank goodness the teachers had explained how "lucky" they were to be getting me as a teacher. Not one of them cried-that is a miracle. Another miracle was that I did not even barf all morning. I was up almost all night with anxiety and nervousness. My emotions have been heavy on my heart anyway this week-I finally convinced myself that they would not have hired me if they did not think I could do the job, so I decided to agree with the powers that be.

My class has 22 children in it. Quite a few speak spanish-two speak only spanish. Thank goodness I can speak some spanish. I must admit, these children seem hand picked for me to be their teacher. I love them already-and I think the feeling is mutual. They wore me out, and are a handful. Turns out that they are not the middle level readers were anticipated; several are much lower and need lots of work. Thank goodness I have lots of help. Reading coaches are a wonderful blessing.

So, here we go. This last week we had ballet classes, 2 baseball games, a house guest, an after-school bash, a car wash at school-tomorrow is art lessons and dance rehearsal-more laundry...thank goodness I got some sleep last night. Did I mention bake sales? All in a week's work-all is good, all is well. I sort of chuckled to myself as I sat with my Mom at a late lunch, the kids were with their Dad, I realized that my house is still covered in plastic and the wood is still rotted and missing on the one side!!! Thank goodness rainy season is over! I guess I will get that taken care of someday.

Hey Zman, this one is for you-I even managed to win a hoola hoop contest the other night!!!! ;) Hee hee!

Mom's birthday is Monday, with Matthew's to follow on Thanksgiving this year!

Anyone who reads here knows what Thursday is...pray I sleep the night before. I will not be taking the day off as I like to do-does not seem fair to my class.

Thank you for all the wondeful words of encouragement. Another page, another chapter, another new beginning-here's to life.

God bless you everyone-Peace, Kathy



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Sunday, November 6, 2005 6:59 PM CST

Hello to you. Amazingly, wonderfully, gratefully-all is well here. The past few weeks are truly a blur. I seemed to have missed the memo that it is now November-we truly lost much time this past month with the hurricane and all. Our little wood-framed house is still standing. I have dubbed it the "little engine that could." It just keeps on chugging along. It may be a bit more weathered, the storm managed to bend a metal basketball hoop in half and the damage is still quite obvious throughout all of the county. School has been out for the past 2 weeks. Tomorrow is the first day back, and first day for me.

I have left my full-time spot at the Lighthouse. I managed to be able to stay on long enough to help the staff with its exhibit opening. It was a bit bittersweet as I finished out my time there-I was very happy there in spite of the difficult year we have had. I do hope to be able to do some part-time work there still as I do enjoy it there.

I have wanted to write here a million times over the past few weeks. I write now completely exhausted and wanting to go to sleep so that I may be rested to face a new day tomorrow.

It really hit me that I am truly heading into unchartered waters. A new beginning indeed. I am excited and anxious all at once. I am missing Robert something terrible these days-it is the time of the year.

Matthew asked me this mornind if it would be a wonderful miracle if doctors invented a pill that brought people back to life and reversed death. I said yes our world might marvel and call that a miracle. I told him that unfortunately that would not help us...and in the end it would give man a power that only should be with God. Seems I am not the only one coming to terms with the fact that Robert is never returning...Matthew's birthday is approaching. He told me he wishes that his brother did not die the week before his birthday...I simply wish his brother did not have to die at all.

We forge ahead-this little family will begin again. The children are excited for me and proud of my new position. So am I. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes.

I must retire for the night-it will be a very busy week, I hope to return here with more thoughts later.

Thank you for keeping in touch and watching out for us.

Peace,
Kathy

Thursday, October 20, 2005 9:30 PM CDT

Hello out there! For the last 2 days I have been playing the same thing over and over in my mind. Did you ever watch the "Flinstones" cartoon? I did, all the time as a kid. Remember when the pet saber tooth tiger locks Fred out of the house and he stands on the porch and yells, "WILMA!!!!" Well, that is how I have felt for the past few days---"WILMA!!!!!" Everyone around here is feeling the same way-it is so surreal. Here we go again-now it seems we are being tortured further as she stalls out there leaving us in limbo. Pretty much the consenus is if your coming to knock us around, get here already and let us move on with our life.

I seriously need to create a hurricane fund of my own. I am serious; I scrape by week to week, day to day-any unplanned expenses could and do send me into a tailspin. I am not the only one of this I am sure. I am grateful that people around here take these things seriously and get ready for the storms.

It certainly seems that season no one is being spared-fires out west, flooding up north, and earthquakes--yikes! I pray all is well in your neck of the woods.

We will be fine, I am determined and convinced of this. Tomorrow I will haul out the shutters, sharp aluminum suckers; and I will drag out the big and little pieces of plywood. I will find the old little plastic table that the kids use to climb onto the trampoline and balance myself on it while holding the cordless drill and attach the pieces to my windows and hope for the best. Darn, I need to charge the drill!!! Thank goodness I am home from work tomorrow, unfortunately when I am home from work I do not get paid...oh yeah, I need to undo the trampoline-can you imagine that thing flying around in a hurricane.

I have some late-breaking up to the minute seriously cool wonderful news for you all. No I am not getting married, and I was not the Oregon resident who won PowerBall. I am however the newest edition to the staff at Meadow Park Elementary. I will be the newest 1st grade teacher as of Oct. 31st! Can you believe it? Can you imagine it?

I have resigned my position at the Lighthouse. Sad but true. I climbed the tower the other day not knowing when I would return. I have been very happy there learning all about Florida history and myself. My job there has afforded me the time to gain confidence in who I am as a professional and it was the perfect place for me to be during these very difficult transitional times.

So, it seems that the latest of re-inventing of Kathy is taking her to the classroom. I have wanted to teach many times over the years. My bachelor's degree in Psychology has not until recently been an easy one to have to get into the education realm. I am now officially certified to teach K-6. I did not realize I knew what I did as I passed that test!

So, here we go again. Change-more change. My old therapist used to say, "change is painful" well here's to hoping this latest of changes is not so painful!

Yeah! Aren't you excited for me? I am, the kids are, my Mom is--we all are. Ah, do not fret, maybe now I will have more time for my musings since I will not be driving so much and lose my pages in my brain as I write them while I drive.

I bid you all farewell for now. Here's to hoping Wilma disappears.

Thank you for visiting here and following along. I know my Robert would be thrilled to know his Mom will be teaching-he would be so proud.

Peace,
Kathy

Sunday, October 2, 2005 10:05 PM CDT

Good day. Monday morning...another week is upon us. All is well here in South Florida. The children are very busy with school and such. Matthew is loving his new and latest passion, baseball. Christina is loving her dance. I do not think that I told you that she is the proud recipient of a dance scholarship at Ballet Florida. She not only receives a full year of scholarship for ballet, but for tap as well. This is a tremendous blessing and she is very excited about it.

My life continues with the usual ups and downs. I came up with a title for one of my books: "Reinventing Kathy!" I continue to search for my place in this world-since I have not managed to find a way to go back to being a "stay-at-home Mom" I am on the quest for the perfect fit in the job world. I do love my job, but...shall we say, I am once again re-inventing myself. I think I may be getting the hang of this-change that is.

When I woke up this morning I decided to stay at home and work in my yard. No small feat I might add. As many of you may recall, my house has been falling apart since last hurricane season-literally. I have a wall that is completely rotted and ready to fall down...As I headed through the gate this morning to work in the back yard I saw that the wall had fallen. My house is wood frame and the wood sheeting is rotting. This particular wall rotted away and shredded to bits in the rain storm last night.

As I picked up the piles of debris and cleaned the side yard this morning I began to think about what I have thought about all week long..."fear is expensive!" The other night I awoke at 2 a.m. As I laid there tossing about I had this thought..."fear is expensive-it can cost us everything!"

That night I thought about how much my life has realized its greatest of fears-I have survived and am surviving through my greatest of fears. I have realized that fear is a strange motivator. Fear leads nations to war-being led into battle by men that are more afraid of the evil they fight than the "threat" of the evil they fight. For me fear is summed up in the verse in the Bible that refers to the devil as a roaring lion (1Pet5:8).

Fear is a roaring lion-it taunts us with it's roar making us cower at the sound of it. It need not even be real to make us want to quit. Fear fuels many fires. Being afraid of change, responsibility, commitment, pain, loss, the future-those are all realities that bring about much fear in us. I wonder how much we lose, sacrifice, or simply miss out on because we are afraid.

I wonder how many of us let our fears motivate toward God instead of away from Him? How many of us fall on our faces before God when we see our worst fears come to light? The Bible talks about fearing God and not men-how the fear of God is the beginning of knowledge...Proverbs 1:7. We live in a world that definitely does not seem to fear God. We seem more afraid of what our neighbor might think than what our God might think.

I do not speak my fears out loud. I do share about the situations in my life that cause me grief-like the rain that is pouring right now on my naked wall on the side of my house! But my fears, I do not speak them. I bury them away and only breathe them heavenward to the God that I fear and trust.

Do I fear God? I asked myself this question. I know I trust God-I fear not trusting Him. I am trying to understand more the idea, the reality of fearing God. My children fear me in some ways-they know in one fail swoop they cold be doomed to the torture of no t.v., chores, and be grounded for life. I pray that they never fear losing my love. I suppose this is how I fear God. I know and revere the awesome inconceivable power that is the Lord of the Universe-yet, I trust that I cannot lose His love.

Each relationship in our lives brings with it an element of fear. Fear of rejection, abandonment, isolation, betrayal...all very painful emotions-real fears. How many relationships are lost because of fear? How many arguments are launched out of fear? We are all so vulnerable.

So, I thought to myself the other night while I tossed and turned-"fear is expensive, it can cost us everything..." What are you afraid of? How much will fear cost you? Will it be a kiss, a hug, a friendship, a dream...will fear cause you to miss a moment?

Breathe your fears heavenward. The Lord of the universe says "do not be afraid". On Robert's bench it is inscribed "Be not be afraid for I go before you always..."

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear..." Psalm 46:1,2

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear..." 1Peter4:18

Peace to you all-just breathe...
Kathy


I realized today my most feared day happened on Oct. 5, 2002. It was the Saturday the doctor at St. Jude told me Robert would die. The air left the room that day as I watched my son through the glass of my room...somehow, I survived-we all have-survived without Robert.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005 7:55 AM CDT

Good day. The weather here has been what I fondly refer to as "Winnie the Pooh" weather...blustery. My heart aches for those in the path of yet another hurricane. Life is not easy-I know from experience. As I drove to work this morning I began to feel a bit overwhelmed from the past several years of my own life. I feel as if I have lived in a state of emergency and in the eye of a hurricane for way too long now...I have concluded I need a "Delete all details?" button in my own life.

The other day I was deleting a name from my cell phone list. Don't ASK! Anyway, as I deleted the entry I scrolled down through the options and saw a "delete" spot, so I pushed it. Well, then I was prompted to do something with the phone number attached to the name I was deleting. I scrolled through the options again and came across the "Delete all details?" choice. I was elated. I stared at my silly little screen on my cell phone and said, "I wish I COULD delete all the details!"

How many times have we wanted to delete details of our life. I must admit, in contemplating this idea, I do not have one detail of Robert's life that I would delete. I shared with you about how the memories of his last days have been flooding my mind a great deal lately. The reality of the pain and anguish that he lived with is grotesque. The memories that only Jeff and I carry within our minds of those awful last weeks of his life- as awful as they are - in a strange, twisted way, I cherish them. I cherish the fact that we worked so hard to protect his dignity and the dignity of our family. We did not want anyone to "see" the reality of his body failing. I am so grateful that the Lord gave us the grace to keep Robert in as healthy appearance as we could. Matthew may want to delete the memory of Robert's voice those last days...it seems to haunt him in a way. Matthew will often mimic the sound of Robert's voice. This amazes me. Matthew was so little, remember, just turing 6 yrs. old. Three years late he can still muster up that raspy, weakened voice that his brother had just before he left us...Matthew will repeat his last words, "Mom, mom, mom..." It is painful to re-live, yet a moment in time that I would never want "deleted" from my memory bank.

I am sure that there are tons of memories that we would like to delete. Some may only require a little backing up and deleting of certain details, others require the "delete all details" button to be pressed. In my case of late the "delete all details" button is needed to jump past the pain associated with the situation. I am a bit sick of having to grieve loss and heal from hurt.

How much chaos and pain can one person take on a day-to-day basis...delete please!

Who am I kidding...we all know that we are a lot stronger than we realize. Obviously, we have gotten this far haven't we. "For all things work together for good, for those who love God and are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:23,(I think, my Bible is not here.)There may be many memories and situations that we want to delete out of our lives but I am trying to re-learn this truth.

The things that are not so good in my life, even the awful things I am trying to delete, I want to "let go and let God work them together for good..."

Thank goodness God has a delete button that not only forgives but forgets...

Okay, so a "delete all details" button is not exactly realistic, but it is a good thought!

Look, the sun is shining outside of my window...

Peace, all is well,
Kathy

Monday, September 12, 2005 7:49 AM CDT

Good Monday morning! Apparently, this is the quintessential Monday where so many of us our dragging our butts out of bed and getting ready to face another week. We needed that short week last week, didn't we?

What a day already-geez...Driving Christina to school, no problem, driving Jessica to school early, no problem, getting Matthew to school, BIG PROBLEM! Matthew woke up with the Monday morning blues big time. He starts out the morning setting the stage brilliantly-or so he thought. He slouched on my bed announcing to me that he had a terrible dream last night and did not get any sleep-first attempt at getting Mom to feel sorry for him and let him stay home...we all had to leave early, the neighbor was going to take Matthew to his school for me this morning because I had to head the other direction with the girls. So, after depositing the girls at school and beginning my trek north to work, my cell phone rings...it is Matthew. He is calling crying because he does not have a paper I needed to sign to turn in...second attempt at getting out of school for the day. Apparently his tears were so huge that our neighbor even offered to keep him with her for the day! I talked him off the ledge, and the neighbor agreed to walk him into class and face the teacher on his behalf-of course we all know that 3rd grade teachers eat young blonde curly haired boys for breakfast-especially on a Monday morning! I figured we were safe, Matthew would dry his tears and get into the school-they were in the parking lot after all, home free. Not exactly-the third and final attempt at tugging at dear old Mom's heart strings would be made. Cell phone rings again-it is Matthew (I expected it to be the Mom telling me he was there and everything was a-ok). Now he is standing outside in front of the school crying begging me not to make him go to school...I get firm with him, "Matthew, you are going to school!" I tell him to dry his tears, and remind him unless he wants to have to walk in and face the teacher alone he better get moving or they would not let our friend walk him into class...I hate to assume anything in life anymore, but I am going to assume that Matthew is in class safe and sound and has not been eaten alive by his 3rd grade teacher-it is only 9:10 a.m. and anything is possible...where is that silent ring button on my phone?

As Mom would say, "Drama, drama, drama-what would my life be without it?" Very boring I suspect.

So, do you think that when Billy Joel wrote that song, "Only the Good Die Young" he knew he would be cursed by a Mom driving to work on a Monday morning? I doubt it, he may not have realized it, but sorry to report, Mr. Joel, I cursed you this morning for your snappy little toe-tapping song! I do realize that he and the radio station had no idea that this morning's trip to work for me would be shrouded in memories of Robert-I suppose I can forgive them and take back my curse. I am not sure why, but lately I have been re-living so many of the last moments of Robert's life over and over in my mind's eye.

I believe it all started when I contemplated running in a marathon with the "Team in Training" gang from a local radio station. Many of you know about "Team in Training" it is several marathons run to benefit the Leukemia Lymphoma Society. I had thought that it would be perfect for me to train and attempt at least the half marathon race. Every time I run or push myself hard exercising I run with Robert. I envision every step he took around those halls of St. Jude pushing his IV pole along to get some exercise. He hated it. He hated his physical therapy at that point. My son who used to run the entire way home from school just for the fun of, had been reduced to not even being able to make a lap around the hospital floor. He was in so much pain; I cannot imagine-he never really complained...so, when I push myself, I imagine him. I push harder, tell myself, "Dig, dig, dig.." I must have heard some athletic coach egging on a player with that phrase...

So, I figured I surely should set a goal and run a marathon in honor of my son. How noble right? Well, noble yes, it is just not for me. I started thinking about several people who had run marathons in their life. They set out and trained hard and accomplished their goal and then quit running. I decided that I needed to keep my "running" for myself. I decided to commit to the "Light the Night" walk so that the children and I and anyone else who wants to join us can walk in Robert's honor. We will join Mimi Jane's team, "RMC Angels".

As I recalled different people who had become committed to completing a marathon and upon completing the task never have run again, I decided that for me, I am going to pace myself for the long haul...I do not want to burn myself out with one big run and never run again...Robert paced himself, remember? He was in it for the long haul. It is as if life is made up of marathons and half-marathons...walks and such. So many things that we set forth to accomplish in life we plan for, achieve and never re-visit it again.

Having cancer thrown at you is much like having to run a marathon full force without any training and coaching. Thankfully, once you are in the deluge of the tragedy there are those who do reach out, those who do coach and there is usually a training course of action for one to follow-it is called a protocol.

I have thought of those who are suffering through the tragedy of the hurricanes. They are in the midst of running a marathon that they were not ready to run. They will either have to find a way to race or be left behind...we have seen this tragedy become a reality for so many. So many have lost a race they never planned on running-so many are still losing ground...

As I have silently been re-living the memories of Robert's last days over and over and over again in my mind; I have thought of so many things...my heart aches for anyone who is thrown into a battle they did not see coming and could not avoid-it is so painful. I suppose Matthew asking me the other day, "Mom, what were the last words that Robert said? Didn't he say, 'Mom, Mom, Mom...and point to something in the room?" I suppose that my youngest son trying to remember his brother's last days might have triggered my memories...it has been okay for me to indulge. It was okay for me to indulge and allow my mind to replay the vision of when they took Robert from our home after he had died. I watched them wheel his covered body through the livingroom and out the front door of our home several times the other morning while I walked along. I replayed that scene over and over...I even imagined myself going over and checking to make sure it was him under the blanket...I can still see everyone who was there, the children were sitting with me on the couch, Jess was in the other room, shocked and dismayed-Matthew and Christina clinging to me...all the grandparents were there, some family friends, a dear friend from the hospital-Miss Sandy...I watched them all, remembering the final moments of a boy's life.

I am trying to seek God's will for my life again. I must admit that is not as easy at it may sound. After all, the last time I was totally and utterly committed to God's will things did not turn out so good. I would never have expected God's will to include the death of a child...so, I am realizing that with regard to God's will for my life I have been a little "gun-shy" shall we say...I have needed to fly below the radar for lack of a better illustration.

For now, I will not attempt to run a marathon, I will stay the steady uphill climb on the course I am on. Strong and steady, just like my boy. Robert trusted our Lord. Remember? I remember his earnest heartfelt prayers trusting the Lord with his life. No marathons for me...I am afraid that upon completion of a marathon I might want to quit running the race entirely...

All is well. In spite of it all...

Peace, thank you for checking in.
Kathy

Tuesday morning, Sept. 13, 2005
Ah, what a difference a day can make...fast forward from yesterday-listening to the radio this morning I hear a familiar refrain beginning-the refrain from the song, "I Can Only Imagine..." A song I certainly do not curse, but one that typically reduces me to tears-ah, but not this day. As the violins began to play and I surveyed the sky I took note that there was not one cloud looming, it was the kind of clear sky that illuminates with warmth-the kind of clear day that you love to see when it is really cold outside and just by looking at it you feel the warmth of the sun...that kind of sky. As I indulged in this song, while the music played, I heard the voice of my sweet friend I fondly refer to as "Little Momma". I could hear her telling me about her young son and how he has a terrible cold, we laughed as we joked about the mess that kids bring with them requiring a bulldozer to clean it up...we laughed and in her voice all I could hear was hope-her son just finished chemo and she was grateful that the awful cold he has now did not wait a week to strike him because he would have "no counts"...as the song played on and the words "surrounded by your glory, to my knees will I fall..." I wanted to fall to my knees right then and thank God for the blessings in life...hearing my sweet friend's voice, hearing the sounds of my precious children's voices (even the one who has passed); hearing a woman who just rescued her neighbor from a tree after the hurricane speak about the amazing sunrise...hearing all of this, makes me grateful that it is a new day, that in something as simple as switching the radio station I could be humbled with gratitude and love knowing that indeed, "all is well..."

What a difference a day can make.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005 8:11 AM CDT

Hello. So many times I have come to this place to write something, so many times when I come here I have cause to pause realizing that my ramblings and my unfortunate circumstances seem so inconsequential in comparison to many other circumstances in life. This is one of those times where my heart is so heavy with the dismay facing all those hit by the hurricane...

All is well here. The children are preparing for a trip to visit their Papaw. Jeff is taking the children for the long weekend. They are so excited to visit their grandparents.

Today is a day that many of us are praying for a miracle-a miracle to find a way to stop the flooding; praying that the insanity of the many people who have lost so much and feel so trapped settles down...as we who are safe and sound in our homes are flooded with the images of the destruction we must pray that something gives-mercy, pray for mercy.

We in South Florida are breathing a sigh of relief-those conditions are miserable and we never had the flooding that these folks must live with. Pray they find a way to relocate those folks so that they can begin to find a new normal.

Peace,
Kathy

Friday, August 12, 2005 7:44 AM CDT

Good Friday to you! Whew, apparently I blinked when I should have been completely focused...Actually, I was completely focused last week while we were away on vacation. I was focused on the sunsets, the laughter, the fun with the kids-did I mention the ice cream or the golf cart rides around the island? We had a great time...the best vacation I have ever had in my life-no babies' diapers to change, no sick kids, no long hours of driving and fights in the car-you know the usual stuff that vacations are made of! I realized I must have blinked when I should have been more focused on the fact that school started this week here in Palm Beach County.

Maybe it is a good thing that we ended our summer with sun-tanned bodies and blonde streaks in our hair, is there any other way? Okay, so Matthew and I did get a few dozens bug bites from these little critters known as "no-see-ums". Nasty little invisible bugs that they are-but it was worth it. The children started school on Wednesday. Christina is now in her last year in elementary school as a proud 5th grader. Her teacher is the beloved, and highly regarded, Mr. McMahon, those of you may remember him from Robert's days in 5th grade; he was also Jessica's 5th grade teacher. Matthew has started the 3rd grade this year. He attends a different elementary school than the other Charlton children; so the buzz in the family is that he will have to return for 5th grade to uphold the family tradition and be in Mr. McMahon's class. We of course realize that Matthew needs to be in the "gifted" classes that he is in, but tradition is tradition after all! Jessica has started her 10th grade year in High School. I am sure it will be challenging and I am sure that she is up for the challenge.

Me, well, same old same old as they say. Yes that means the IRS is still lurking in the distance, the yard needs to be mowed, the piles of laundry are actually at an all time low...but it is business as usual in my life. Except for the unseen obvious things, everything is the same.

Personally, I have changed alot. I have come to the conclusion that there really is a good reason that the Lord gave us 2 ears and one mouth. There is much to be said about silence...it seems to me that even when we are burning mad and desperately needing/wanting to defend our greatest of cases and causes much of what we ramble and rant and rave about should be left unsaid...this is really rich coming from the "Queen of the ramblers" or the "Queen of the run on sentence..."

I thought of this as I dropped my youngest son off in his classroom the first day of school. As I let the door close behind me and I gazed at him one last time, I realized the tears that were welling up within my eyes were tears that very few would understand, care to see and even tolerate. I am not trying to sound negative or discount my feelings. But the truth is that in this world and this day and age we each have our own individual very sad story. We each have feelings that we strugle to formulate into complete thoughts and give a voice to. There is a time and a place for all of that. I concluded that at that moment in time there were very few people in this world that would have sympathized with my heavy heart; with the fact that my youngest son is morphing into his older brother that died almost 3 years ago right before my very eyes...Matthew is truly a gift from God. His name bears this meaning and I never truly ever could have imagined how true to his name he would become. My Dad did good in helping me name him...thanks Dad.

Life is pretty simple in the end. Basically, one must get through it any way, shape or form that one can...unfortunately, some choose alcohol or drugs or other self-destructive behaviors to get through. Others choose faith-or the pretense of faith; others choose to isolate themselves missing so much of everything never really allowing themselves to evolve into all that they could be and feel. It is a risky business living a life. Change is painful; but good. Pain sucks. Heartache sucks. Death, well it sucks too.

So, as I sucked back the tears and the feelings of sorrow I thought of the other Moms I know who were missing children on their first day of school. I thought of the Dad's too; they sure are better at burying their feelings of loss-men are good at that. Nothing is worse than the absence of a child. Especially when they are permenantly removed from your life. Every single day Matthew and Christina talk about Robert. Matthew listens to songs from a cd I made honoring Robert's memory-he knows which songs came from his funeral; he now knows all the words to "Shine". Christina and her friends are making up a routine for the Talent Show this year to the song "Shine".

I have come to the conclusion that as we evolve and mature we must come to terms with the losses in our life. Stare them right in the face and either leave them behind, carry them with us, or forget them completely. It is a fine line to know how to do this. It is not easy. Some losses require a tremendous amount of forgiveness to be able to help them find their proper place in our life.

Ah, to be so brave, on a Friday no less. My life in some ways lately has been just awful, it has been full of family drama to the highest degree. Drama, drama, drama-Life, life, life...who wants to go back to the beach for one more amazing sunset? I am hoping to catch a glimpse of Mars this month...keep up the good work. I know you can do it! If I can, anyone can! Believe me...

Thank you for coming here and following along.

Peace,
Kathy

P.S. Check out a couple of new photos from the beach!

Wednesday, July 27, 2005 10:21 PM CDT

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
when you too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you


Tears streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears streaming down your face and I

Tears streaming down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you


This song is by the group Coldplay; off their album "XandY". It is called "Fix It." This is the cd of the summer. My oldest daughter may not like reading that this is my favorite cd of the summer...we are not exactly seeing eye to eye these days...

The children are very excited because it is finally time for our family vacation. We are heading to the beach-I know, sort of funny to spend your only vacation at the beach when you live by the beach, and work by the beach...but-hey, you gotta go where the going is good! Matthew wants to know why I have not packed for him yet--I told him I have not done the laundry, that's why.

Boca Grande is full of Robertisms...for me, and for my family we have come to terms with this. We all spend many moments remembering him in our own way-he really loved and lived for his time there. It was amazing. Matthew is ready to take on the fishing aspect of Boca Grande. It definitely hurts my heart that his fishing trips there will not be with his big brother or even his Dad.

School is just around the corner. That is definitely not something the children are ready for. Me, I am in the midst of making some choices regarding many areas of my life. I need prayer. This summer has been a time for me to try to focus on making some changes in my life, my mind and my heart. Some of the changes have brought with them tremendous pain; some relief, yet, mostly pain. Some of the decisions bring with them peace, that is always welcome of course.

My heart aches as I come to terms with the new ways of my life. I have come to terms with the choices and changes that have brought me to this point, yet, in some ways coming to terms with something does not mean it is less painful or even any easier. One must learn to accept things as they are and press on.

I listened as someone I know was consoling another person recently. They were discussing how hard it is to come to terms with a great loss. In this case it was the loss of something they loved a great deal. The part of what was being shared that touched my heart was when they said, "you never forget someone you love, you just move on and choose to love again, but you never forget someone you love..."

Ah, so true. I may be moving on in my life. I may be getting better at hiding and filling the huge empty blank space that my Robert once filled, but I now know that I will never forget him. It has pained my heart when I have heard my 2 youngest children fret over whether they will remember their brother always...I hope as they grow they will come to realize, "you never forget someone you love..."

I hope this finds those of you who still come here to read doing very well. The heat is brutal here-we simply have really mastered the art of central a.c! Stay cool, be at peace.

God is in control, all is well.
Peace, Kathy

Friday, July 15, 2005 6:04 AM CDT

Good Friday all. I trust that the last hurricane that blew through this part of the world missed you...at least I hope it did? Hurricane, did I hear someone say hurricane...I am still holding out hope that the only hurricane I have to deal with is the one that comes along with living with Christina-she is quite the whirlwind.

The past 3 weeks have been very interesting around here. I know, what else is new, right. Christina has been going to "ArtsCamp" at our Performing Arts Theater. She has been loving it. Almost everyday after camp our house turns into the girls next venue. Drama, drama, and more drama. We have hosted almost nightly sleep overs, and today is the final day with their performances this afternoon. Their exuberance has me so excited to see this entire group perform on stage as opposed to in my livingroom in front of the mirror.

Jessica has been spending some time with her Dad; and coming to summer camp with Matthew and I. I have decided to dub this summer, "The Summer of Matt". Thank goodness there are no hurricanes with that name listed so that when I make reference to this summer people will not think I am referring to a storm. I am referring to my Matthew. He has grown in leaps and bounds and is all boy. Robert used to be famous for his daydreaming, only when Robert would gaze out the window deep in thought he was usually dreaming of his next fishing trip or baseball game. Not so with Matthew-his gazing and daydreaming usually is followed with some very deep thoughtful questions that leave me pondering life.

The other day Matthew and I were making a pitstop for food and an errand on our way from camp the other day. As we drove along Matthew told me, "I wish Robert did not have to die. I wish I could have had more time with him. I should have played with him more." Then as we got out of the car and he begged me to let him get some pizza from the mall food court he stuck out his lower lip with this big pout and said "Please! I looked at him and asked, where did you learn to do that? He replied, "Robert did it to me once when we were playing on the trampoline and I wanted to go in the house and he wanted me to play some more..." Robert used to always stick out his lower lip with the ultimate pout to plead when he really wanted something. Boy was it something to see Matthew doing that; I had almost forgot Robert doing that gesture. Of course I agreed he could get some pizza, who could refuse such a face.

As we walked along Matthew had this to say. He said, "I hope I am not old when I die because I want to be able to play with Robert when I get to heaven." I was amazed at his perception of this concept. I had never thought of Robert's death at such a young age in that way; I have never worried about being able to play with him because I would be too old when I die and finally get to heaven. Apparently my 8 year old son has thought of this many times...Matthew has told me how he hopes that his Dad and I do not die any time soon, he wants us to grow very old and he also has told me that he does not want anyone else in his family to die. Matthew wants me to live to be 128; he says that is the oldest a person can live to.

Last night as Matthew and I drove along and he quizzed me once again about how old I thought I would live to be that is when he informed me that he did not want anyone else in his family to die; he said, "I want it to be 'Matt and His Everlasting Family!'" I agreed...I said, you know Matthew in some ways if we never forget someone no matter where they are they are everlasting...He said, "I hope I never ever forget Robert..." I told him I loved that he remembered so much of his brother considering he was so young when his brother died...

It has been almost 3 years since Robert died, it has been 3 years since that fateful day when Robert's new marrow was infused and we all were hoping for the best...unfortunately it has dawned on me that it has also been almost 3 years since the kids have seen some of their "everlasting family."

I hope that Matthew's dream of his family being everlasting can be realized in some ways on this earth; I hope that we can continue to make memories and changes in our lives that bring us together as a family to leave everlasting impressions long after we are gone...

I told Matthew that maybe he will be the one who becomes so famous that all the future generations will brag that he was there relative!

So, there you have it, another title for a book: "Matt and His Everlasting Family". May you be spending time this summer making memories that are everlasting...

Peace my friends.
Kathy

Monday, July 11, 2005 8:07 AM CDT

Oh my goodness! Where has the time gone? Summer is zooming by at breakneck speed--did I hear someone say whiplash?

I have written countless pages, all of which have been written in my mind, and unfortunately apparently that is where they shall remain. I have been writing while I drive in the car, which is basically my life, I write while out to dinner with friends, while I watch t.v., while I do the dishes and clean the house!! I suppose I need to start carrying around a pad and pencil or my thoughts that I want to find a page for will never find their home.

I had a moment this morning after getting camp off the ground and before my regular work day begins to at least let the world know that we are alive and well. I hope to be able to get my computer back online at home soon, as in tonight soon, so that I can get back to my routine of writing this page.

Thank you for checking in on us, if you are so inclined, please note that I do plan to get to my writings...the memory of Robert is alive and well and amazingly he continues to be the topic of many conversations in our home especially since Matthew is growing up to be alot like his older brother...

Peace friends,
Kathy

Thursday, June 23, 2005 9:18 PM CDT

Well, hello there...ah, a virtual coffee shop...if only my posts were more frequent. If only all those pages I write virtually in my head as I drive around town could find their way to this page!

How exciting to read about the events of your lives in the guestbook. It seems that we have the makings of a movie script, "Weddings, Recitals and Family Vacations!" We could have our own reality show. Could you imagine if they ever did a "real" reality show with the story of our lives?! I guess the sadness and trials of our lives are not something that should be sensationalized and gawked at; we are a very respectful, thoughtful bunch aren't we. Of course the stories of our insanities would definitely make a few good hours of television. We could have our own version of "America's Funniest Home Videos", it could be "America's Most Insane Moments!" Christi and I could certainly be the hosts and featured guests for any show. How about, Christi, are you in?

I somehow managed to be a Camp Counselor last week. I also managed to survive my first trip kayaking. Now I realize that kayaking is not that difficult. But kayaking in a river with a very strong current and with 18 kids that have never kayaked before is not so easy. I managed not only to learn how to command my kayak, but I even saved a kid or two. Matthew was my partner on the way back down the river. Poor boy, he did not plan on having to tow another kayak back. I was the adult bringing up the rear. The last few batches of boats in the back were manned by kids that had no clue about how to control them...so, I ended up hooking up to the kayak of two little boys and towing them in. Another kayak that was manned by a boy who had given up and beached himself and was standing on the shore crying his eyes out was going to be attached to the other boys kayak and towed in the back of them...thank goodness our Camp Leader came back and towed that boat in. Matthew probably would have opted to swim back if I attached any other kids on the back. Thank goodness Jessica was there, she helped alot and was a wonderful addition to camp that day. Matthew has sworn never to kayak again! "Never Mom, never again!"

Anyway, the rope burn, sunburn, and bug bites are healing nicely thank you. My Executive Director could not believe that I actually "did" camp last week. We needed another adult counselor and I was the only one around! It was actually a real pleasure being with the kids for the week. Matthew and Christina, and even Jessica, really enjoyed being at camp with me. The children were a great bunch of kids and had a terrific times being kids! What a concept, they did not talk about t.v., music, or who's hot and what was cool. They just played games and laughed alot.

I am home alone tonight. It is a bit strange. The kids are off at friends' sleeping over. It was raining alot. Very dreary...this week has been one that sort of caught me off guard with some undercurrents of emotions. Then it hit me the other day-this was the week that Robert headed to St. Jude for his transplant. Yes, Christi we did meet at this time 3 yrs. ago right after Jayce was born. So, that ton of bricks that tried to nail me the other day with this memory, was dodged in a way. Unfortunately, the only real way that I have found I can move on in life is not to think about Robert very much.

I am grateful that in many ways, I am so busy I do not have time to think about all the unimaginable things in my life that I now live with. Tonight, as I drove along in the very dark of night and rain, my mind could not avoid the reality of the unimaginable that is my reality. Robert, Robert Mitchel Charlton is now only a memory. A family that was whole and full of life now lives on full of holes...

Ah, we are happy, we have so much to be thankful for. I think that a mother carries so much in her heart at all times-the worries, the pains, we tend to fret so much as women...I am proud of my children, proud of my family-nothing is as we once thought it would be. Life truly is a vapor.

Laugh each day, smile all the time, and love always...and if you are really lucky, take that moment to get an extra hug, a sweet kiss, and scratch that back one more time.

A Mom wrote me recently asking me how I live without Robert. Her question has provoked alot of thought for me. I changed so many things so drastically in my life after Robert died that I think they distracted me from the loss. I literally take steps at certain times remembering every step Robert took as he dragged that IV pole around the halls of St. Jude trying to get exercise. He hated that so much. He hated the physical therapy, every inch of his body hurt and was eaten up from the chemo and radiation. His skin had turned brown, his insides were torn up...he must have felt like sh*#@...yet, he managed to eat when we made him, laugh every day, and he loved us so much. He hugged us all the time. All he wanted to do was find a way to live.

I may have to stop myself from thinking of sweet Robert at times to stay focused, but most of the time, it is his very essence that keeps me living. The verse in the Bible that speaks of Jesus as He headed toward the cross that says, "BUT for the joy set before Him, He ENDURED the cross." always impressed me so much. Robert endured so much for a joy that he hoped would come to pass. I think of all the children I have watched endure the unimaginable for the joy that was set before them...they were not sent to save the world, all they want to do is live their life.

Ah, I have managed to ramble. I was so glad to make it home tonight. Driving in the dark rain with a heavy heart and mind makes me wonder how I got home...

Remember, always kayak with someone who knows how to kayak. Wear your life vest and put sunscreen on your legs too!

Peace to you all,
Kathy

Wednesday, June 8, 2005 8:25 AM CDT

AAaahh! Robert's page, a familiar, warm, loving spot for me...and thankfully for so many of you. I think I heard someone humming, "oh where oh where has Kathy gone, oh where oh where can she be...?" I wonder if you were worried that the little men in the white coats finally found me and carried me off, or maybe if the kids have finally figured out how to out run, out last, or out holler me yet! I suppose if you ask my computer it would tell you that I have definitely been ousted!!

Rain, rain go away, come back NEVER?! I see that we are not the only ones living under the freakish weather conditions that we all have become so accustomed to...rainin' in Birmingham, NC, and South Florida...I suppose it is raining everywhere. We have stopped counting the days of rain here. Strange, I remember the summer we spent at St. Jude with Robert it rained I believe 20 something days in a row and so much that it cost Jeff his job when the company he worked for literally drowned! "Memories from the corners of our mind, misty water-colored memories, of the way we were..."

Speaking of that song, or rather singing that song to myself as I continue to hum along, did I ever tell you the story of that movie ("The Way We Were") and Robert? One Friday night for some reason if my memory serves me correctly, Robert and I were home alone. At least I know it was only he and I in my bedroom. He was laying on the bed, tired and worn out from his treatment at the time. I was cleaning out the closet and straightening up my room while watching my old favorite movie "The Way We Were." I am a diehard Robert Redford fan...anyway, poor Robert was subject to my analysis of life and love as he watched the movie with me. He grew more and more sleepy, but was so caught up in the story that he did not want to sleep...finally he asked, "Mom, just tell me, do they stay together, or do they get a divorce? I can't stay awake any longer..." I said, "Well... Robert, sadly they do not stay together..." He said, "ah, that is sad...goodnight Mom." Every time I see that movie or hear the song from that movie, now I think of the last time I watched it with my boy...strange how that is such a special memory for me to have shared some sappy love story of a movie with Robert.

A friend shared with me about a visit he had with an elderly person on the brink of death the other day. The elderly person was a patient in Hospice and in a coma. He said that she looked so frail and seemed to be "gone" already. He talked with her a bit not even sure if she could hear him...he said it was very eye-opening to realize that at any moment her life would become only a memory. He said it was daunting to realize that life is so fleeting and that in the end it is simply a series of moments and memories...

Ah, so true, many of us who come here understand this all too well. For me to continue on some days, I must choose not to dwell on the memory of my Robert. When my father died, I missed him so much and would think of him alot and cry and miss him...I was in a way used to this. I grew up missing my Dad and always hoping to be with him as a kid. My parents divorced when I was very young. I adored my Dad. It is so different with Robert. Robert's death brings with it a scope of emotions that I dare not dwell on at times. He is always on my mind. I shared with my friend that for me to be in the presence of someone as they prepare to leave this earth is a blessing, a privelege. I told him that I hope that when my time comes I am in the presence of someone who loves me dearly and cherishes my memory as I leave.

Summer is here. The "whirlwind" that is fondly known as the Charlton household is in full swing. The kids are complaining about being bored. I love summer. It is nice to know that something other than my mothering is annoying the kids!!! So, Tom has moved, Tammy has moved...I am sure that there is much going on in everyones' lives--I would love to hear about it. Hopefully some day I will get my computer situation straightened out at home. All it takes is time and money, both of which are in short supply these days...you see, all is well! ;)

Thank you for stopping by. Stay dry!

Peace,
Kathy

Friday, May 20, 2005 7:43 AM CDT

Ah, Friday(exhale). aaaahhhhh friday(sigh)? AH, FRIDAY-AT LAST(gasp)! Isn't interesting how when certain Mondays roll around you can just tell if the week is going to blow by with you barely noticing, or if it will be a long dragged out one. I was pleasantly surprised with the cancellation of a field trip with Matthew's class this morning. I say pleasantly surprised, not because I did not and was not looking forward to chaperoning my best guy and his buddies to the science museum, but pleasantly surprised to have a "free" morning! Turns out the field trip is next week just like the form stuck to the front of the fridge says-I guess my little buddy is so excited he could not wait.

The kids are winding down with school this year. What a year it has been...and apparently, according to the weather man we are going to have another interesting season ahead of us...Christina has been so busy with school. She scored the highest in her class with her math scores on the state standardized testing; Sunday she gets to show off her new ballet skills in a "performance"; Matthew scored the highest on one of his standardized testings as well and finally does not dread going to school. Of course, every Sunday he does challenge the invention of school in the first place, it is after all such a waste of time for the little genius! ;) Jess survived her "juries" and is plugging away with school. She was disappointed in the way they judged her entire semester's work...I do not blame her. I told her that maybe it was their way to "encourage and challenge" her...sort of backward if you ask me. Jess has done amazing in school this year, I have been continually impressed with her. She is quite the artist and student. School is out for the summer the day after Memorial Day. I can attest that we need a break around here. I am working on a couple of things for the children to do, no big trips planned, except for our annual family trip to Boca Grande-the highlight of the summer.

I am not sure if Summer will be cheaper or cost me more than school has. I spent $100 on yearbooks this week alone! What is a Mom to do...I'll tell you what this Mom does, counts her pennies, if there is enough to squeeze out a hundred bucks for yearbooks she does it and thanks God that she could! You know, the bill shuffle, pay the electric bill next week, right?

I read something the other night that I keep mulling over in my mind..."What are we but our stories?" I guess that is what I want to leave here this day for those who dare to ponder...what are we but our stories...? No matter what, who, how, when or where we all have our story. You all have been brave enough to watch the unfolding story of Robert's life. Many of you were here while we thought he would grow to be an old man...you chose to follow along as this mother attempted to put to a page bits and pieces of this boy's life...we watched as "Robert's Story" turned into a tragedy...I chose not to paint the graphic picture of his failing body those last days. It was not part of his story that he ever wanted to realize.

I wonder are our stories at all what we had hoped, anticipated or desired? So much of my story is exactly what I wanted. My children make my story rich and full of wonderful adventure and love...they fill the pages of my life with hope and courage. Much of my story is not at all anything I could or would have imagined. Yet, it is still my story-I can run from it, bury it, or embrace it and hold fast to the simple prayer, "To God be the glory great things He has done..."

Be brave, if you are still breathing your story is still being written...the story of YOU. Thank you for sharing in "Robert's Story". Thank you for your sentiments as I shared some from the 'romance chapter' of my life...ah, you see I can carry on!

I do so love hearing your stories-the stories of your children, your insanities, your packing up and moving on-moving forward rather...keep em coming.

What are we but our stories?

Peace,
Kathy

Friday, May 13, 2005 6:40 AM CDT

Good Friday. I am hoping for a beautiful sunny day here in South Florida. My heart needs it. It has become painfully obvious to me that my heart is not as reconstructed as I had hoped, or rather become accustomed to faking that it is.

Ah, it all started on Mother's Day. Let's just say it all started with my "sweetie". Can you imagine what it has been like for me to attempt to have a relationship in the midst of all the turmoil that is my life. These past 2 years have not exactly been an emotional cakewalk...more like an emotional roller coaster. All along Andy and I decided time and again to try to weather all of these trials together rather than apart. We seemed on many occasion to fail miserably at our relationship for many reasons. We are both pretty fragile, sensitive people, the only thing that we shared was our love for each other. I have been so very careful about the children and their feelings, about me and my feelings. I wanted to avoid the pitfall of a rebound relationship-I wanted to avoid the pitfall of transferring one emotionally void relationship for another. I have learned so much you all cannot even begin to imagine.

In many ways I am very proud of myself for even attempting to love someone and let them into my life. After all, for me, the only easy, natural love has come to me in the form of my children. Turns out, losing my Robert as I have has truly left a gaping hole in my soul. The only way for me to function day to day without Robert is to push the thoughts of him out of my mind. Mother's Day would not let me push him out of my mind. The day began with me and my Andy arguing and me coming home to an empty house to mow the lawn. Ironic isn't it? As I changed into my "cruddy clothes" I was removing a bracelet I adore, Robert made it for me. I own 2 pieces of jewelry that I adore, a white-gold cross necklace the children gave me the last Mother's Day Robert was here; and a little bead bracelet that Robert made for me while in the hospital that same Mother's Day in 2002. As I removed the bracelet it broke and fell apart. As I stood there clutching what I could of my beads watching the others bounce out of sight into a million different directions, the apparent pathetic state of my heart was comepletely revealed. I started crying. The kind of crying that makes you heave and gasp for air, the kind of crying that you fear when started will never stop...

My heart broke for my son, for him not being here with me. My heart broke for the pain of life and so many who have suffered so much. My heart broke for my children and all of us...for so many failures in life that leave me so empty. I remembered the dream where my son told me, "Mom there are no more days, it is all empty Mom, there are no more days..." I crawled around sobbing scavenging for my beads realizing that it was just a bracelet made by my then alive, now dead son...priceless, not replaceable...thinking the only thing we have in the end is "that which we can hold in our hearts and minds, that which we hold in our hand can fade away..."

Turns out, in love, that statement is true also. No matter how much you trust, you must let go of that hand you hold and hold steadfast to what you have in your heart. The love we grow in our hearts for others is the only real, tangible thing we have in the end. It is truly an extension of faith. We choose to believe and love a God we have never seen, never touched. We yearn to know more of Him and have never even touched Him. In life when love that we hold leaves us our hearts break as we find such comfort in the presence of others that we allow in. I am not one who easily lets someone love me. Turns out I am a very strong, in some ways a cold person-I suppose I am simply protecting myself. No longer-this changed when I chose to fight to the bitter end for my son, my other children, and my own life.

I know that is why I chose to leave my marriage. It was all a matter of the heart. A heart that was empty. Now, it seems my last attempt at love while not futile, in the end was not enough. It seems that life's obstacles can be too much for love. After a lovely dialogue with my sweet man and a goodbye, I prepared to sleep. I opened a book that I have been reading, or rather letting collect dust on the nightstand. I opened to these words...

"I want to ramble on a little about the importance of second, and even third, chances. I was helping out in the library one day when a bookmark fell from the pages of a novel. Actually, it was a handwritten note, a quote attributed to a Father Alfred D'Souza. D'Souza had written: 'For a long time it had seemed to me that life was aobut to begin-real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."

These obstacles are my life. The ones you navigate, those obstacles, are your life. Shall we live? I shall. Turns out I am pretty good at living with a very broken heart. I am not so good at remembering to eat while my heart aches as it does, but I have a couple more pounds to spare-my girls watch me like a hawk. Jessica will not let mesuccumb to annorexia, trust me.

I wonder why I felt I wanted to ramble as I have this morning. As you may have noticed I have kept most of my "personal" life private. I have learned so much about relationships. The bottom line, if there is any love, anywhere in your heart for one another, it is worth it, and if you are married-navigate what you must to find that love again. Just for the record, I do hope that someday I will add a wedding ring to my cherished possessions of jewelry-so many things have so much more significance now. Make no mistake, I have many wonderful pieces of jewelry that I cherish and are special to me; I think that you all can understand the significance of the ones from my 4 children.

Ah, friends, Christina has been on stage twice now since we "spoke". Summer is coming, I can tell by the tanned faces of my children. The lawned did get mowed, and massive amounts of weeds were pulled...the day turned out lovely in spite of my pending loss. It was the first and possibly last time Andy and my families will meet. We all went to brunch together-it was lovely. Our families really enjoyed themselves.

I must dash, the sun is shining. Forgive my melancholiness. It is Friday after all. Friday the 13th no less-gee throw in a full moon and I am toast!

Peace,
Kathy

Friday, May 6, 2005 9:29 AM CDT

Ah, Friday...I know, I do not even have to say it; you all remember how I dreaded Fridays...time does change things. I find myself thinking of all the wonderful mothers I know. Mother's Day is Sunday. Like everything else, it seems to have crept up on us. I wanted to make certain that I came here to this page to acknowledge, bless, thank, uplift and give a huge hug to all the wonderful mothers that I know. This page has been written by a mother who was taught how to be a better mother by her son-Robert made being a Mom a joy, all of my children do. Robert loved all of his Moms...he loved all of his Mimis...Robert in many ways was the kind of boy that made you want to mother him, and enjoy doing it.

So, in honor of a boy who taught this Mom how to be a better Mom, I wish all of you a Happy Mother's Day! Laugh, hug, love, simply exhale and pat yourself on the back-you should be proud knowing that you have brought forth our future. God bless you.

Sent to me in an email:
"This is for all the mothers who sat up at night with sick toddlers in their arms, wiping up spit-up whether it was laced with Oscar Mayer or Curried Veggies with fresh Water Buffalo milk saying: "It's okay honey, Mommy's here."

Or -- Who sat humming in a rocking chair for hours on end soothing crying babies who won't be comforted.

This is for all the mothers who show up at work with YUCK! in their hair and milk stains on their blouses and yes, you guessed it -- diapers in their purse.

For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew Halloween costumes.

And all the mothers who DON'T. They just DON"T.

This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see.

And the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes.

This is for the mothers whose priceless art collections are hanging on their refrigerator doors.

And for all the mothers who froze their buns on metal bleachers at football or soccer games instead of watching from the warmth of their cars, so that when their kids asked, "Did you see me, Mom?" they could say, "Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world," and mean it.

This is for all the mothers who yell at their kids in the grocery store and swat them in despair when they stomp their feet and scream for ice cream before dinner. And for all the mothers who count to ten instead, but realize how child abuse happens.

This is for all the Moms whose lives are so different, be they peaceful or tension filled - but are so different, we can't imagine it. In foreign places and next door, where they speak a different language and the food smells ... well, it just smells.

This is for all the mothers who sat down with their children and explained all about making babies. And for all the (grand)mothers who wanted to, but just couldn't find the words.

This is for all the mothers who go hungry, so their children can eat.

For all the mothers who read Goodnight, Moon twice a night for a year. And then read it again. "Just one more time."


This is for all the mothers who can't read a sweet story to their young ones, but tell, instead -- a story stored in ancestral memories.

This is for all the mothers who can't read....

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie their shoelaces. And for all the mothers who opted for Velcro, instead.

This is for all the mothers who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot.

This is for every mother whose head turns automatically when a little voice calls "Mom?" in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are at home -- or away at college -- or so totally adult by now that they now listen for their own children's voices....

This is for all the mothers who sent their kids to school with stomach aches assuring them they'd be just FINE once they got there, only to be proved wrong and get a call from the school nurse an hour later, asking them to please pick up their child.

Right away.

This is for mothers whose children have gone astray, who can't find the words to reach them. Who can't find them to even try and reach them.

This is for all the step-mothers, and half-mothers and women who are simply having sex with Dad... but become: Mom.

This is for all the "by default" Moms who raised another woman's child or children, and give and gave their time, attention, and love... sometimes totally unappreciated!

This is for all the women who find and join into new / ready-made families with welcoming children...

For all the mothers who bite their lips until they bleed because their 14 year old has dyed their hair green.

For all the mothers of the victims of recent school shootings, and the mothers of those who did the shooting. Both sorts of those women need your prayers, right now. Give them a sweet moment, as if you belong in a sisterhood of Mothers...

For the mothers of the survivors, and the mothers who sat in front of their TVs in horror, hugging their child who just came home from school, safely.

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to be peaceful, and now pray they come home safely from a war.

What makes a good Mother anyway?
Is it patience?
Compassion?
Broad hips?
The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, with one crippled hand, all at the same time?
Or is it in her heart?
Is it the ache you feel when you watch your son or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the very first time?
The jolt that takes you from sleep to dread, from bed to crib at 2 A.M. to put your hand on the back of a sleeping baby?

The panic, years later, that comes again at 2 A.M. when you just want to hear their key in the door and know they are safe again in your home? But their home is far away, and you can only pray for their health and security at this distance.
Or the need you have to flee from wherever you are and find and hug your child when you hear news of a fire, a car accident, a child dying?

The emotions of motherhood are universal. Thus it is that our thoughts turn toward the young mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation...
And mature mothers learning to let go.

For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers.

Single mothers and married mothers.

Mothers with money, mothers without.

This is for you all.

For all of us.

Hang in there.

In the end we can only do the best we can.

And tell them every day that we love them.

And pray."

In the end...in the end of their days, in the end of our days, in the end-love them.

Peace my friends,
Kathy

Wednesday, April 27, 2005 9:03 AM CDT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROBERT!

Good day. As most of you read this, you may or may not even have noted the date…April 28, 2005. Robert would have been 14 years old today.

The other day as I stood in the kitchen washing dishes my thoughts drifted back recalling the moments of Robert’s birth.

Those memories are some of the ones that I am so eternally grateful to still be able to recall and cherish in my thoughts. Unfortunately with the suffering that cancer brought on and then the untimely death of my son, there are plenty of memories I never thought would crowd my mind. Memories, moments, visions, thoughts that a mother never anticipates having to recall...yet, all of them, every single moment is all that we have left of Robert’s life…now this day, 14 years after his birth I find myself cherishing every one of them as priceless, irreplaceable gifts of my son’s existence.

Robert, I wonder, could you hear me singing to you in the kitchen the other day? Could you hear my soft voice as I recalled one of my most favorite of songs from my childhood…never did I realize that the song from my past would come to be a song for my son-you Robert Mitchel…?

"Why do birds suddenly appear
Every time you are near? (Especially blue jays!)
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.

Why do stars fall down from the sky (and pennies!)
Every time you walk by?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.

On the day that you were born
The angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold
And starlight in your eyes of brown.

That is why all the girls in town
Follow you all around. (The girls sure did love ya!)
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.

On the day that you were born
The angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true…"

Son, you were a dream come true. I may not have realized it when you were born, I was so scared…24 yrs. old, 2 babies…I sure was not ready for you to be here. But, your Dad, he was beyond the moon to have you for his son. Our family was complete. I am still so amazed at the fact that you were born on your due date, weighing a slight 8lbs. 6 oz., scrawny compared to your sister. As the song says, “the angels did get together…” because that umbilical cord was wrapped tight around your neck twice; had they not intervened, had you grown another day, another ounce, we may not have had you here with us at all…

So, the angels got together and decided to create a dream come true…yes, my son, my heart will forever ache that your days with us could not have been longer. The days we had are all we will ever have with you, it will never be enough, yet, it must be…

Your birthday-14 years old- you, Robert Mitchel Charlton, you were enough, you were a delight, you taught us well, made us laugh, and loved us even more.

My most precious of friends asked me the other night, “Do you think about him every day?” My eyes welled up with tears I looked back at her and replied, “Yes.” She asked again, “Every day, you think of him every day?” I am not sure if I told her that night or not, but in truth, I think of my Robert all the time, it seems like every moment of every day. The human heart is an amazing living organ, it can live with such a hole in it.

Therefore, my friends, I beseech you this day, this April 28th to look heavenward once again and wish Robert a Happy Birthday! Thank him for being a part of our lives, thank him for teaching us so much, and loving us so good! Thank our Heavenly Father for sending Him to us, and though it pains us so, for taking him when he did. Heaven is a much more colorful place now…

Thank you for coming by, remembering Robert, and caring for all of us.

Anyone care for some chocolate cake with vanilla frosting?

Peace,
Kathy

P.S. SWEET FRIENDS...I wrote this the day before Robert's actual birthday. I actually had a few moments this morning of uninterrupted time at the computer and decided to seize the moment. These thoughts have been swirling in my head for days. My heart aches sometimes with all my thoughts that never make it to the page because time steals them away, or rather the lack of time...

Monday, April 18, 2005 8:04 AM CDT

Good day. I have returned safe and sound. I was in baby heaven for a few days. I must admit, I am not sure which soothed my soul more, cuddly with those babies or being able to enjoy the company of my lifelong friend...I realized the other day after I returned home that I felt like a better person for having spent the time with her that I did. I realized that it is not very often that we leave the presence of others feeling better about ourselves, more encouraged about life, and encouraged to be a more patient loving individual.

I am most proud of the name my sweet friend gave me before I left her, she dubbed me "The Baby Whisperer." I just love that, I have told everyone who will listen that I love my new nickname...quite frankly I was concerned wondering if I still had my touch with the babies...I guess I do. I have since had baby-itis even worse now. So, if you know of anyone in my neck of the woods that would like a loving motherly type to hang out with and help with her baby let me know!!! Thank goodness God saw fit to send 4 babies to me, I would never have left the church nursery otherwise!

Speaking of babies, apparently my baby, my youngest child, my 8 yr. old. is growing up way too fast for me. The other day he informed me, "Mom, you know just sending me to my room is not enough. I am 8 now and I think you need to start grounding me when I get in trouble!" I grounded him the next day for something he did-Matthew of course lamented, "why did I have to say that?!?" He shocked me yet again yesterday morning when he repeated a joke he was told the day before...I was a bit shocked that he told this joke. I informed him that it was a "dirty" joke and that he was not to repeat it!! I told Andy I wasn't sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing that Matthew felt he could tell me the latest joke he had heard. I decided it was a good thing so that I could lay down the law and inform him not to repeat it and to "encourage" the older kids not to purposely "corrupt" the youngest kid around! Poor Matthew, he may be 8; but he has been cursed with the mind of a 12 yr. old-way too smart for his own good!

I am supposing that the fact that Robert's would be 14th birthday is right around the corner has left me thinking of him like crazy. I have trained myself to change the radio station when I hear something that will send me into the oblivion of grief...I have to or I shall simply stop functioning. It is not very easy to learn to sift through the memories that you desperately want to hold onto and NEVER FORGET and to desperately want to FORGET those which you NEVER wanted to have to remember. Robert's last moments and actual death still haunt me tremendously. I know they must haunt Jeff as well. We never speak of those last moments. We were the only ones there as the life left Robert's body. I remember being so at peace, so eerily calm. I do believe I had become so focused that nothing could have shaken me out of the mode I was in, I was so determined to be everything I could possibly be for my son the very moment he drew his last breath, and then immediately after Robert left us I began to focus on taking care of my 3 remaining children. I had never experienced such a power and strength from motherhood as I had in those last weeks of Robert's life. It is a courage and strength that has wavered and at times become very weak and frail; yet, when it comes to my children and their well-being I know that I can stay the course no matter what.

Of course we all know that it is our children's sole desire to drive us absolutely crazy! A gift that certain children seem to have perfected more than others...the most gifted of my 3 remaining children shall remain nameless...I assure you and them that though they try to drive me crazy and make me insane, I am already crazy and completely out of my mind so their efforts are futile! ;)

Another week here in Sunny South Florida is upon us. The month of May will be a busy one. Miss Christina will be on stage 3 times that month! She will be singing at the Kravis Center for the Performing Arts with a large choral group; she will dancing a performance at her ballet school; and then she will be in the school talent show, again! Thank goodness we have Christina to entertain us!!! Jessica has been doing really well in school. She has set her sights on getting her learner's permit for driving; that will happen next month as well. Matthew well I told you what he has been up to! I pray that little guy finds a friend who can be like a brother to him, I worry about him living with all of us gals! I had hoped and prayed that one of the boys in the neighborhood would take on this role, but it does not seem to be happening. Matthew is very sensitive, but tough and all boy; so he needs just the right guy to be his buddy...Robert really only had one best friend, you remember Ryan...that is what I hope for Matthew. That is not asking for too much is it?

Just in case you are wondering, FEMA did not help any with my hurricane damage, my insurance deductible was way too high to get help from them; the IRS is still lurking; I just found out that the credit the state insurance company issued on my account was taken away without me knowing it, so I almost lost the kids health insurance; I had a bank that tried to foreclose on my home-thank goodness for lawyers-Prince is finally going to a new home, I will tell you more of that later, yes he still pees everywhere!! I also found out that my life insurance policy that I had for years was cancelled-we won't talk about that one either...oh and unfortunately there is more, I will not type it here...that was all just last month! Sometimes you just have to laugh, sometimes you just have to cry...sometimes you just have to LIVE!

All is well-Peace my friends,
Kathy

Wednesday, April 6, 2005 8:15 AM CDT

Good day. It is so lovely here. I sit at my new spot that overlooks the waterway and the lighthouse. My windows face due east and it is so lovely to be able to have this view. Each and every day as I sit for what seems like hours in traffice, and I begin to tally up what it is costing me in gas to come to work I soon forget those things which drive me crazy when I see the place which I call my office. You might be amazed at how many people come and tour this lighthouse--I am still amazed at how very busy we get around here.

One of the aspects of my job which I may or may not have told you about is being a wedding coordinator. This is very interesting. I actually really enjoy most of that part of my job. I do not enjoy late limo drivers, or demanding brides or mothers of the brides-unfortunately they so many times really become so cliche. I do my best. Lately I must admit it has been the guys who are giving the weddings a bad rap around here-demanding, demanding, demanding. I try to encourage each couple to take the time to remember this is the beginning of their marriage together which is supposed to last their lifetimes...so, I encourage them to do what "they" want and enjoy it all.

Another aspect of my job is summer camp. I coordinate that as well. I get phone calls all day for "Kathy Charlton" and it is so strange even now after a year of this to get so many calls regarding my job. It seems so official to have your name appear in the newspaper as the contact for stuff! You know me and my identity crisis--the title of Program Coordinator was not one I considered...I guess good old Mom will always be the one that suits me best, even when my teenage daughter might disagree or challenge my title! Anyway, Summer Camp-yesterday I sat and listened to a lovely grandmother go on and on about how important it is for children today to have something good to do with their time. I listened as she "rambled" about life and such...she was truly lovely. She spoke of her "daughter-in-love, not daughter-in-law..." Her daughter-in-law became her daughter-in-love when she lost her husband. So now the grandmother bears the burden of her grandson whose Dad just died...she was so sweet on the phone. She is a woman who had lost her child, her son, just like me. Though she is obviously much older than I, and her son much older than my Robert, I could hear the sound of sweet sorrow in her voice as she spoke with such love and care for her family...it blessed me so to take the time to listen to her. Just another day of camp registration...it blessed me so when she thanked me for listening to her.

I am getting ready to visit my sweet friend in Birmingham, AL. Yes, Tammy, Amanda and Laure, I would love to see you guys! I will email you later...I will be gone for a few days. I am actually flying-alone. This should be interesting. Knowing this fact has caused me to be even more pensive and speculatory than usual-I know that in itself is unimaginable and insane, my mind never rests...

So, I leave tomorrow. The children will be with their Dad. I cannot wait to cuddle my friend's new babies-her twins, a boy and a girl. I may not return...I have longed for the the time to cuddle a new baby for some time now. I beg to babysit anyone I think that might let me. So, for a few days those babies will get their fill of Aunt Kathy! I cannot wait.

I must tell you, my long drive to work is where most of my writing has gone. I write page after page as I drive along-then when I arrive to my office, the page has been finished and put away from my mind...this saddens me. I want, need to find my niche again to write. It will come. Thank you for still reading.

On a final note, I want to share this with you. The other day I was speaking with an old family friend. She was telling me how she had just returned from a week away with her sweetheart. For some reason I asked her, "was it worth it...going away for a week?" She replied "oh yes, we had a wonderful time..." She then added, "I am a bit down today though, someone broke into the car and stole my jewelry!" I said, "so, I guess the trip was NOT worth it after all!" Her reply was so eloquent. She said, "oh no, I would never let something someone else did ruin what was such a special time...I definitely have to separate the two situations..."

I have thought of her words so much for the past couple of days. I have thought about how so many times in my own life I did not separate the good from the bad in the right way so that I allowed the good to be tainted by the bad. So many times in my own life I have wanted to blame someone I love for something bad that happened...think of this as parents. How many times does our devotion to our children become tainted when we are angered by a situation that has nothing to do with the devotion and love we truly have for them. Think about marriages, and friendships and everyday living...we as humans are so guilty of not separating the good from the bad and letting the awful things of life that happen to us taint the beauty that is our life. I am so guilty of this. Her words shot straight to my heart. In my present love relationship with Andy, I am trying so very much to learn this truth. Sometimes we are guilty of this and we never realize it. My divorce has revealed to me how flawed I was in my marriage. I am trying to be a better person and learn as I grow. We are all flawed, this I know, but if we could learn to not let the awful things of life, and being robbed is definitely one of them, influence our good times then we will definitely have learned to live better.

My friend could have easily told me her vacation was ruined because of this incident. It impressed me so much that she did not hint at this. I assumed the incident would have ruined her time. I know too many people that let this happen. I am one of them. I am trying not to do this any longer.

How many times do we take the awful incidents of life and let them influence our love for God and think that it influences His love for us? How many times...too many times. Thankfully, NOTHING changes or influences His devotion and love toward us.

My friends...I love all of you-thank you.

My family...I love all of you-thank you.

My Andy...I love all of you-thank you.

My children...my heart...I love all of you. Thank you.

The heavens will be where I will be tomorrow night, I shall pretend I am closer to my Robert. I shall return to this place safe and sound on Monday.

Peace my friends--all is well.
Kathy

P.S. I miss Robert's photo too-I do not know where it went...if anyone can help me get it back, please help.

Monday, March 28, 2005 7:46 AM CST

Hello there. Happy Day after Easter-a day still held in reverence by many...

At least I believe it was Easter yesterday? My family did go through the motions of celebrating a "holiday" as we have so many times before. We colored eggs, went to church, had a lovely brunch...it was a lovely day for us. It was a bit strange I must admit. Yesterday was not only the day that would have been my Dad's 68th birthday, but it turns out that I know at least 5 other people whose birthday it was yesterday as well. It was so strange, on Saturday I must have directly or indirectly heard several people say, "tomorrow is Easter, I did not know that?!" Apparently the day that we remember our Lord's rising from the grave was being missed by many. I attribute the strange sense of so many of us feeling it just was not time for Easter to be here. I suppose we can blame it on the weather.

Here in South Florida everything is being blamed on the weather. Shall we call it Francisitis? We apparently are not quite as resilient as the folks who have survived the tsunami, or the awful winters up north. Us South Floridians can barely survive being under construction all the time let alone destruction by hurricane. We are such a transient community that only us true die hard Floridians can keep on trucking along. Every inch of our roadways is under construction. Couple that with the chaos of having so many tourists driving around trying to navigate the mass confusion of our roadways and you have some semblance of chaos. At least when it snows everything is forced to shut down-here everything is in full swing which is a good thing for the economy, but for those still digging out from under it creates a feeling of chaos...hence, so many are wandering around not even realizing it is Easter.

It seems I have manage to find some peace with regards to the "amputation of self" with regards to my divorce. I have come to realize that the part of me that totally embraced my identity as Robert's Mom I will never completely or want to allow to be gone from me. It is so strange the idea of human loss. We are after all the most complex of all beings and are minds are such an amazing gift, yet loss has a way of taking those things which we cherish so much and turning them into a two edged sword. The things, the parts of our lives that we cherish, welcome and embrace into our very souls are not the parts of us that we ever would desire to have to count as a loss. Losing weight, losing our hair, losing a bet on a game those are the kinds of losses that we can almost except and live with...but the loss of life, of innonence, of a family those we as humans must find a way to live with.

I have taken to not be able to discuss the case which headlines our news of late, the case of Terri...you all know the one I refer to. It is really something for me to be a parent who has had to make a choice regarding a child's health. Coming from my vantage point I feel that I actually might have a "right" to voice an opinion regarding this matter. I pray that in some way this family will find peace. I pray that as each of us who is watching this tragedy unfold before our eyes we would take a moment to examine our own lives and within that examination once again affirm who we are, why we are here, and why we live...you all watched the tragedy of Robert unfold before your very eyes. You were practically in the room with Jeff and I as we knew he was leaving and we knew we needed to remove his oxygen mask and watch him go. I must admit, in the last week of his life I did not even realize if he was eating or drinking. I did not realize that the crucial "TPN" that had nourished his body was not being given...for us, we were holding onto every breath-every heartbeat...

Now by faith I believe my son lives on in eternity. Because I have chosen to trust that my Savior did indeed rise from the grave to live again Robert too lives on. Yesterday in church the Pastor asked us what would we do if we could get yesterday back...is there an exact time that we would go back to and have back again...I let my mind wander back and I pinpointed exactly the time I would go back to...January of 2000. But, as the Pastor so eloquently reminded us, the greatest sermon ever preached came from Mary as she went to the tomb on Easter Sunday..."He is risen indeed!" I do not need to wish the remaining days of my life away longing to go back to yesterday-I can have hope and faith and trust the my son lives on in heaven.

This has been a rough year for all of us I daresay. No one has been spared the tumultous weather, no one I know has been spared a loss or pain. As Spring finds its way to spawn new life, may your hearts feel anew again and may hope find a resting place there as well.

Peace my friends, all is well.
Kathy

Monday, March 14, 2005 7:49 AM CST

Good day. Ah, it has been so long, I daresay the longest span in time that I have not been to this page to write...don't get me wrong, it is not like I have not had anything to say, it is that life is so busy...full, busy.

Not too mention I have been having an identity crisis. Big surprise, right? This has not exactly been your typical identity crisis, or maybe it is and I just did not know the difference. I should say that for me it all started when Robert died. Then after my divorce from my husband of 15 years...A few weeks back while at my lovely, simple job here at the Lighthouse I had an altercation with one of the volunteers. This is where I must admit I finally admitted to myself that I was not doing so well with my identity crisis. This volunteer was giving out the wrong information to a visitor and the visitor I could hear was getting very irritated...I walked out from my office to try to intercede and see if I could calm down the visitor who was being misinformed and not being treated very "lighthouse-like". What happened next stunned me a bit. The visitor left abruptly and the volunteer turned on me and began to argue with me. I did not even have a moment to ask the person to step into my office...but the strangest of things, as if this volunteer acting like a crazed person wasn't strange enough, was the way he peered at me, and looked up and down the front of me as if looking for something...he said to me, "and WHO ARE YOU?, DO YOU HAVE A NAME...?" I realized that he was looking for a badge or something...I replied very simply to this crazed person, "My name is Kathy." He said, "is that your given name, your surname?..."

At that moment in time I turned on my heel and came back to my office. I could not handle another moment with this volunteer. Not right then, not as this person stood there and challenged me and questioned my very identity. I realized in that moment as he peered at my shirt for a badge of some sort identifying who I was that I did not feel like much of anybody...I did not feel like I was anyone, belonged to anyone and wondered what in the world was going on. I sat at my desk and muttered to myself, "who am I? Good question..." "I am not a Mrs. or a Mom to 4 children..." I have become "Divorced, Single Mother of 3!" A title I never in my life thought I would bear. I sat hear in my little space wanting to scream out to this person exactly who I knew I was...where I had been in my life, what I had done with my life. But, no matter what at the end of everyday for now, I am "Divorced, Single, Mother of 3".

Being a "single mother" has been somewhat familiar yet bearing the title is so very foreign to me. As far as my children and their lives are concerned, I am the same parent I was before-we live in the same house, their Dad and I interact and parent together. I get them up in the morning and make their breakfast, their lunch, get them dressed and to school just like I have done for the past 15 yrs. That has not changed, but the evidence of the fact that I am a single parent has become apparent to me, it glares me in the face...I pay the bills, the same household bills, alone-I maintain the home, the same home- alone...

I really liked being a married woman. It suited me. I was not much of a dater, my StepMom can attest to that. I had my fair share of relationships, I am simply not a dater, party-girl type. I loved, absolutely LOVED being a Mom to my 4 children...I may have been terribly unhappy in my heart, but in my "identity" with the title I wore I was very happy..."Mrs. Charlton; Robert's Mom; Coach's wife..." I never felt like I was lost with those titles. But, the new titles I bear have left me feeling a bit lost. All of them now seem to bear some sort of connotation that is foreign to me. "Divorced, Single Mother of 3" does not exactly make a person realize that the kind of person I am...I am not sure I can even get into the whole role of bearing the title "Girlfriend!" Talk about foreign...by the way, turns out, I am a good girlfriend-both to my female friends and to the man I have called my "Boyfriend." Who knew?

So you see, I have been hiding. Sometimes I hide from all of you wonderful lovely people because I figure that you want to think of me as being so busy that I do not have time to have crisis any longer. My mind is not so good to me as you would like to think. I have been living in a state of crisis for so long. It is okay...All of this, every painful moment of the changes that life has forced upon me has made me stronger. It has forced me to face who I am, what I am and WHOSE I am...

My old pastor, bless his soul-Bill Billingsley- used to say, "Don't forget, it is not 'WHO YOU ARE', but WHOSE YOU ARE!" Thank you Brother Bill. In my heart of hearts I am learning to respect whose I am; I am learning to respect that life is not about entitlement though it does affect us tremendously it is about the person that you know yourself to be when you put your head on the pillow to rest at night...

For me, for now, for always, I will be grateful for all that I do have. Grateful for the simply fact that I am blessed to be a mother to 3 of the most amazing, loving, brilliantly beautiful children that have ever lived. For me, though I may feel a bit lost, and my heart may ache and hurt with the pain of my Robert being gone from me...Jessica, Matthew, and Christina are enough.

I, me, Kathy Charlton-"Divorced, Single Mother of 3" belong to a loving, generous, forgiving Lord-and my children...my friends, my very strange, and sometimes estranged boyfriend, my family all of them are the gravy. Every moment of every day makes up who we are, it becomes part of our identity.

Remember every moment of every day who you really are-trust in your heart "Whose you are..."

Thank you for stopping by, thank you for being faithful even though I have been hiding...I received word the other day of another precious one who is closer to heaven then earth-a wonderful mother who has been fighting cancer is going home soon, she may have already gone...it hit me hard the other day as I realized she would be seeing my Robert before I...I know it is a selfish thought, one I never dreamt I would consider...I pray for peace as she passes.

Peace to you all- all is well.
Kathy

Monday, February 28, 2005 7:59 AM CST

Good day. Happy Monday? Definitely Happy Birthday...today is Jessica's 15th birthday!

As I frosted Jessica's cake this morning, before I woke everyone up for school I found my thoughts wandering back to the beginning, her beginning. As a mother it is an amazing blessing to be able to recount the memories of our children's births, and Jessica's birth and my pregnancy with her was one of the most special times in my life as a woman...

I was recalling a dream I had while pregnant with her. I was about 7 months or so along and my due date was March 2nd. Everywhere I went people would stop me and tell me that I was pregnant with a boy..."that looks like a boy to me!" It was a little weird how everyone thought I was carrying a boy. Several years back insurance did not pay for sonograms unless medically necessary; I was very healthy and nothing merited me having one...so she was a mystery and according to everyone she was to be a boy...everyone except for me, and my Dad apparently. In my dream I was being wheeled into deliver my baby. As I came down the hall there stood my Dad holding a little girl. She was about 1 yr. I remember looking at the baby he was holding and noticing her amazing eyes and thinking who was that beautiful little girl he was holding. I said, "Dad I am going to have my baby now..." He replied "I have your baby, this is your baby girl..." To this day I remember himi standing there in my dream holding this baby girl. I said "No Dad, I am having a boy!" He replied, "yes, but this is your baby girl..." This dream sealed it for me. In my heart of hearts from that moment on I had to admit to myself that I wanted to have a baby girl first. I wanted her to be born in February the same month as me...I never told anyone about this, only my Lord...Jeff never even knew.

It took me years to understand that dream. My father was right. He was holding my baby girl, and I was right too, I was going in to have my baby boy...Jess was just that age when Robert was born. He was born exactly 14 months after her on his due date. Jessica was born in my birthday month on the 28th; Robert was born in Jeff's birthday month on the 28th...I am Jessica's closest genetic match-a 5/6 match; Jeff was Robert's closest match- a 5/6. Matthew and Christina the real surprises of the family are each other's perfect matches...you see, coincidental, I do not think so...

So, I spent the morning doing what so many mothers before me have done on the birthday of their child, remembered the moments of their birth...Jessica was indeed an answer to my prayer, she was a wish made from the depths of my heart spoken only in secret to my Heavenly Father...I have made only a few requests such as this in my lifetime...and I am grateful for every moment I have her in this world. Jessica being born at this time signinfies so much for me in my life...she to me points the way to new life, Spring is right around the corner...the memories of her as a baby are some of the greatest moments in my life.

On this day of her 15th birthday I know that she like me is struggling. She is learning who she is and wondering about who she will become...It is such a privelege to be able to be in her life, to know that I am a witness to her growing up and living...

"For I know that plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and to provide you a future and a hope..."Jeremiah 29

I pray that this day, this Monday, this birthday my daughter would know that in spite of everything, in spite of all that she has had to be witness to, live with and accept or not accept there is a plan, I believe with all of my heart that our Lord has a plan for her, a plan to prosper her and to give a future and a hope...I pray and trust that though she has witnessed my life unravel, suffer tremendous loss, that she is for me that which God has given me that has me stand in awe of how He has prospered me and given me hope because of her...

One final thought this morning I had...I have decided that those actors in Hollywood that get paid millions for their acting ability and receive gold statues in recognition of all they have done, got NOTHING on us parents that have survived cancer! Think about, I want to acknowledge here that we are the greatest actors of all time...we are the greatest magicians, and greatest comedians. Additionally, trust me on this one, anyone who has lost a child, a partner, a mother, a friend...to cancer, or any other horrible death can attest, we are the greatest of actors ever!!! No one is giving out gold statues and paying us for our careers-we can barely pay our bills! I thought of that this morning...so we may watch and applaud those in Hollywood, but this day I applaud and would love to give a real gold statue to all of us who are the real actors, the ones who can turn a $6,000 pharmacy bill for chemo for our kid into a joke--the real actors in this world!!! Oscars for us all!

Remember, "For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and to give you a future and a hope..." I am holding on Lord--bless my daughter this day.

Thank you for following along-Peace, Kathy

Saturday, February 19, 2005 9:41 AM CST

Good day. I seemed to have missed my usual Friday post, so a quick Saturday one must suffice for this week.

Christina managed to get the dreaded fever/flu thing the other day. I have been home with her for a couple of days and am at work today...seems everyone is sick around here.

Being home and so busy has left me little or no time to spend on the computer. I finally managed to open and check my emails and found an email from a "perfect stranger" that as become a friend from this page. Upon reading this email I learned of the passing of one of the faithful fighters against the dreaded "C" monster. Sweet Lady Diane left this earth just the other day...it was so strange for me to read of her leaving. I thought she was doing so well, and because of my "busy" life, I had not been following her journey of late.

I am speechless once again. It is such a mystery this passing on of those we know and love when they leave in such an untimely manner. As I folded some laundry the yesterday I came across the last t-shirt Robert picked out for himself. He had begged me to take him to the mall just for a walk and picked out two Dragonball Z t-shirts. It was one of those purchases I did not have the money for, but knew I must get them for him...I realized as I folded the shirt it was the shirt he was wearing when he died in his room that morning. I gazed at this shirt seeing the paint spots that it now bears as a reminder that his little brother now wears this shirt. I stared at it and noticed that the main character on the shirt had a halo on his head. In this cartoon when a character died he became super powered and lived on forever-his character never left the show only took on a new role. I could not believe the way this character stared back at me with this halo above his head and I realized that Robert died wearing this shirt. At that moment I realized that another loved one had left this place and now bears a "halo" and is super powered living on in heaven...

Robert loved this strange cartoon. I hope that as he watched it he realized that in death he would truly become super powered and live on forever...

Diane, live on forever and may your loved ones you left behind find peace in knowing that you do.

Peace,
Kathy

Friday, February 11, 2005 9:57 AM CST

Good day. Another Friday...it is very chilly here in our little end of the world. It is a beautiful day and it has been a simply beautiful week weather wise here in South Florida.

Thank you for all the wonderful warm thoughts and encouraging words for my birthday. My birthday was a very strange day I must admit. Looking back I realized very quickly how close it came to becoming a completely dreary day. Our day began with Matthew waking with a fever. His temperature was 101.5; pretty high for him that early in the morning. He had crawled into my bed in the middle of the night and he felt warm to me but he did not wake up. I taxied Christina to and from rehearsal and basketball and basketball pictures and by the afternoon Matthew's fever had spike to over 102! He was not moving an inch off the couch and he was feeling so poorly.

Around 3:30 in the afternoon I took him to my room to watch a movie with him. He curled up next to me and placed his head on my left shoulder. It is the "spot" for my boys to lay there head when they are sick. We curled up like this for over 3 hours, I did not have any desire to get out of bed, celebrate, eat dinner or anything. My heart ached and it is so heavy with memories of sweet Robert. It was so curious when Matthew told me, "Mom, how is it that I have lived through so many holidays-Christmas, Valentine's Day, birthdays- without Robert..." I told him "it is so hard to live when someone you are missing someone you love so much." I must back up here a bit...earlier that morning Matthew and I were leaving the gym (he could not stay home alone so he had to tag along) and we were riding in the elvator. A little boy riding with his parents said to Matthew, "how funny that you were playing against your brother on the other team!" The parents laughed, and I put my hand on Matthew's shoulder, he replied: "I do not have a brother..." My eyes filled with tears as the parents and little boy kind of chuckled, then Matthew said, "well, I do have a brother..." they laughed out loud this time thinking he was being silly or confused...the elevator doors began to open and I began to look for a place to run...Matthew finally said in a very quiet voice, "I do have a brother, he is just not here on earth anymore..." They did not hear him, but I did...I wanted to scoop my feverish sickly little boy up into my arms and run away-birthday or no birthday...it was the beginning of my heart filling with sorrow.

So, by the time Matthew and I finally curled up in bed him with his fever, me with my aching heart, I did not want to get out of bed. Luckily I had not made any plans, Mom had brought over a cake and some flowers, but we had no plans. Andy came over hoping to do something with me or all of us for dinner...I managed to chase him away-poor guy. I put my jammies back on, and was headed for bed, for good...I got to my bed and realized this is insane, I must at least cut the birthday cake and listen to my children sing Happy Birthday to me...and that is what we did, it was all I needed. They made me smile, that is all that mattered to me...no one knew of the sadness that was in my heart, no one knew of the words that were shared between Matthew and I about Robert, and those people in the elevator...Did anyone know how hard it was to see Matthew so sick just as Robert once was on my birthday?

Matthew stayed home all week. He was weak, feverish, not eating and with little or no energy, sleeping all the time...Super Bowl Sunday he told my Mom, "Mimi, I would come watch the Super Bowl with you even if I had leukemia!" By Wednesday night, Christina was in my room with a stomach ache crying her eyes out because she could not stop thinking about Robert...she too professed to me that she thought with Matthew being sick like this and me staying home with him reminded her of Robert...

I took Matthew too the doctor yesterday, after calling them earlier in the week. I knew he had a virus, his fever had subsided and such...but his legs hurt so bad he could barely walk and he had no energy. While there he even began to sound a bit like his brother...it was so strange. The doctor and Matthew joked a bit, he agreed that he was making the turn and that he believed he would be fine.

I could not wait to hear Matthew proclaim as he always does when he is sick, "Mom, I am all better I feel great!" He awoke this morning and bounded out of bed. I was still dragging planning another day home with him...he said, "My legs don't even hurt!" He was so excited to be able to go to school...my heart melted as I knew he was feeling better. I was a little shocked and feeling at a loss. It was so easy for me to slip back into my role as "stay at home Mom" I loved that role/job. I did not care that me being home meant no paycheck, I loved being there for all the hugs and the laundry and spent every moment I could doing things I had put off. I decided to consider the week a vacation at home for me...that took the edge off of the money I was losing...

So, it is Friday. Jessica is out of town this weekend with her Mimi and 2 of her best friends. The children have games tomorrow and will be with Jeff this weekend. I will be working at the Lighthouse, running tours, organizing a wedding, freezing my fanny off in the wind and cold...it gets so cold here-and the wind is nuts! Life is moving along...

I felt strangely at peace this week. I must admit Saturday left me feeling quite sick of the fact that I have to live the rest of my life without Robert-that his life ended as it did-I was not pleased with my lot in life...but I have much to be grateful for. MUCH,MUCH,MUCH! This morning I realized how I do know that our Lord takes very good care of me, peace is something that is priceless...

So friends, is there a point to my ramblings...ah, probably not-maybe just some food for thought, this much I know, Matthew is in school, all is well.

Peace, LOVE it is Valentine's Day after all, and happiness-someday, we shall all meet face to face.

Kathy

Friday, February 4, 2005 8:53 AM CST

Good Friday to you, actually I think Happy Friday is more suitable...it is so dreary outside-a strange damp day, yet I am in a strange way feeling not as blue as is my usual during this time of year...you see tomorrow is my birthday, 38th birthday to be exact.

Those of you who have had the "privelege" of knowing me for a few years, know all to well how blue I tend to get this time of year. Traditionally my birthday is a day shrouded with sad memories starting from a time spent with my ailing Dad to the time when we found out about Robert's leukemia. Days, moments that are etched in my mind in such a way that at any moment I can muster up the imagesa nd relive every moment, every word, every emotion...it is strange, they are moments etched in my brain that come in right behind the moments of the births of my children.

The other night I went to dinner with an old friend. A friend that I believe my Heavenly Father decided to send back into my life just last year. You see this dear friend knew me when I was pregnant with Jessica and Robert-she knew me when I was first married; she has a long memory and an amazing ability to be my friend. That is a gift. I knew we were going to be together for dinner for my birthday, I had decided to tell her the story of my sad birthdays...I decided to relive the moments of the days before Robert was diagnosed. She listened so intently, she followed along as I shared the story...she knew Robert as a baby, she was there moments after he was born-she understood how scared I was to be having a second child so soon after the first. After I shared my memories of that birthday, she looked over at me with tears in her eyes and told me this..."I remember when you came to me and told me you were pregnant. I remember how upset you were and how you kept saying, 'how can this be happening, what am I going to do', 'why am I having another baby-I have my baby (Jessica)?" My friend looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "we did not understand then why God was sending Robert, and we will never understand why He took Robert when He did..." She is so right.

I have so much in my life that brings me joy. My children are like air to me, they bring me such life all of the insanities of our life and my own insanity always pale in comparison to the moments of joy that come from being their mother.

I want to share one last story with you today, this Happy Friday. Last Monday I had come home early from work; Christina was not well and I came home to be with her. As she relaxed on the couch I began to clean the house. An incident involving a cat mess (we will leave it at that) caused to clean out a spot in the garage for her. I had set my sights on making a nice spot by the window in the garage. Blocking the window was a box-the last box of Robert's medical supplies, not sure why it was still there, but there it was...I opened it. I started looking at everything in it-needles, syringes, tubing for his pumps, needles for his port, small bottles of heparin, saline, a box of masks, box of adhesive remover...you know typical stuff an 11 yr old boy should own, NOT! As I rummaged through the box I decided to take one of each item and place them in a clear plastic bag with his name on it...I decided to keep one of each item to someday if necessary explain those finals months of Robert's life. They were so poignant-a boy who spent his days fishing, running, laughing-spent the last month's of his life like this. I wept as I looked through the box, reliving moments-I realized as I gathered a few things together for my bag in my garage, that this was all that I had left in the garage of Robert. I looked around, there are no fishing rods in this garage that was his home, his bike is not there, not a skateboard left there...Jeff has them; I had this box...All that I could hear was the sounds of myself sadly sobbing-I dug into the bottom of the box and found what I now consider a treasure.

There at the bottom of this box of medical supplies was a beautiful shiny penny. I stared at this penny for a moment wondering how in the world could this penny be in the bottom of this box. I noticed it was face up and could hear in my mind Christina announcing that it was "lucky"! I stared at it, almost afraid to pick it up; then I realized, I sorted of gasped and looked around the garage-I said out loud, "Robert, you are here-thank you..." I remembered how so many believe that finding a penny is a way that those in heaven tell us they are here. I am not superstitious, but there in my garage that Monday afternoon, I knew Robert was with me, watching me, right next to me...he, I believe, put that penny there for me to find, to remember him.

So, you see, it is my birthday-he sent me a gift. A gift of hope-a silly little penny to make me smile.

I am grateful for this little gift-grateful that though there is much I will never understand in this life, I am alive-I am going to be 38 years old tomorrow-there is much life to live...

God bless you, all is well.

Peace,
Kathy

Friday, January 28, 2005 8:05 AM CST

Happy Friday! As I write this I am recalling that I learned one of my favorite guys-Kyle Pacheco- is out of the hospital and at home healing...stay strong Kyle! I am also wondering if sweet little Cameron is home yet, they hoped to be home yesterday after surgery on Wednesday.

I must admit, I am grateful that in many ways my heart is still so connected to a world that once seemed so foreign but became my entire world...still so connected because of love. Most of my closest friends are those I became linked to through the disaster of cancer. I know it is so hard for them in some ways to have me around. I know it is not me personally but I do realize that in some way they sort of look at me and realize I am in the very place they are fighting daily with every ounce of energy to keep from ending up...These friends that are so precious to me loved and adored Robert as well. They love and adore all of my children. Robert to them was a bit of a champion as well. He was at the beginning the oldest of the boys in the group; he was witty and kept good ole Finestone on his toes that is for sure...when life crept in and revealed its ultimate plan for Robert none was as devastated as these amazing friends who are still in the midst of the battle. I only hope that if in one simple moment when they are desperate, exhausted, infuriated and at the end of their ropes they look upon me, our family, and realize they must tie that knot and go another round to keep their child, than so be it...

Someone said to me recently something I had heard many times..."you certainly never thought that your life would lead you to a point where your child would have died before you..." Than I have found myself contemplating other areas of my life as well. I thought of this idea of having lists and goals...I have never been very good with lists and goals. I make a grocery list and then leave it on the table and call home to have the kids read it to me to make sure I remembered everything. I write a list and then find it a week later and realized that I remembered everything on it. For me lists are more like mental notes; I write them, photograph them in my mind's eye and recall them as best as I can later. So, no in my list of life and what I expected from it I never included the idea of one of my children dying, dying of cancer no less...however, I also have found that I am the kind of person that just takes life as it comes my way and lives it as best as I can at the time.

I heard a great line the other night while watching a tv show I indulge in...the character said, "how come in a court of law 'reasonable doubt' can get you off for murder, but in 'an engagement' reasonable doubt makes you a 'bad person'?" I thought, very clever-very clever indeed. Why is that? Reasonable doubt swirls around our lives like a mosquito. I suppose 'reasonable doubt' in a court of law has nothing to do with the person's character, the person can be a sleeze ball and still have 'reasonable doubt' due to circumstances surrounding them. In personal life it seems that 'reasonable doubt' does bring a connotation of being a bad person. Even the Bible speaks about a man who doubts as being unstable in all his ways...I guess doubt ranks up there with guilt-you all know how plagued I am about this one...I must admit grief has revealed a great deal about the kind of person I am in my heart. Grief definitely brings out the personality traits that we tend to supress in normal day to day life. I recently read about this in a book I am reading (I have not finished one of the books I am reading, I just keep starting them). Anyway, they spoke about the personality traits that control and dictate who we are before the death of a child tend to become magnified after we suffer this loss.

I have always been one who is considered to be very self confident. Yet, in my heart I have always been one who doubted myself and managed to muddle through anyway. For me the 'reasonable doubt' in my life is now finally being looked at with a healthy strong mind. As you know when a parent is forced to make choices for a child that brings them to the brink of death to save their life and there is no one in the world that can assure you that it is the exact thing to do; there can be lots of doubt. I have concluded if I can do that and survive the doubts I have about myself as a mother and human being-than my doubts about my everyday life pale in comparison...I think it is when our 'reasonable doubt' becomes 'unreasonable' we leave the door open for guilt and the inability to forgive ourselves and move on creep in.

Some amount of 'reasonable doubt' is very reasonable.

Christina has started dance. She LOVES it. She loves how her feet hurt after dance. She loves when the teacher tells her she has great feet and that her butt is sticking out too much. She is also starting a special choral program which will culminate with her performing at the Kravis Center where I work; she will be onstage-watch out! Matthew is cruising along quite well in boy world-Jess is cruising along quite well in teen land.

I pray that though it may be dreary outside where you live, there is a light in your heart and a smile on your face...on that note I will leave you with this: "Gratitude lends itself to perspective..." Some people can have everything in the world to be grateful for and never have an ounce of gratitude...

Peace-all is well,
Kathy

Wednesday, January 19, 2005 7:28 AM CST

Good day. It has been too long since I came to this page to write. I do check to see who has signed in the guestbook, and as always, I am delighted to see and read your kind words-thank you.

We have been busy, very busy indeed. Life has a way of making us busy does it not? I am busy working at the Lighthouse/Society, and at the Kravis Center. I work nights and some weekend days at the Kravis Center. The children have been busy with school, and with going to Jeff's basketball practices and games. Fortunately, or not so fortunately, they have been at games the nights I have worked. It is a good thing because they are not home and Christina is not calling me every 20 minutes wondering when I will be home. I also think it is easier for Jessica on those nights so she is not left to deal with Matthew and Christina and such while I am at work. The downside of the games is that the kids get home pretty late and are tired and hungry and needing of their evening baths. So we have skipped a couple of baths at night, no biggee right?

Matthew and Christina started basketball up again at First Baptist Church, in the "Upward" program. Their games are on Saturday mornings. So, on Monday nights I take them to their practices; I usually work Tues/Thurs. and Friday nights (notice there is really no date-night added in there!-that is of course another subject maybe I will indulge in with you all one of these days...) Anyway, so let's see-school, work during the days, Mondays practice, Tues/Thurs. work, basketball games...Wednesday the kids are at their Dad's-work Friday nights, work some Sat./Sun. I think I am getting the laundry done on the 8th day of the week, Neverday! Hey I like that..."Neverday". Sort of like "Neverland..." I think Robert just inspired that thought, it sounds like something he would come up with.

Matthew has been lamenting over school and the boring life long implications of it all. This morning he informed me that he hated whomever it was that invented school. He wanted to know who invented it and said he had a thing or two to tell them about how he felt about it! It is such a shame to be so cute and brilliant all at once-I told him that the last time I checked being bored at school was not a good enough reason to not go to school! Christina, being the social creature that she is, loves school. She loves school almost as much as she loves all her aches and pains! We are "this close" to getting her enrolled in a dance program. I think I may have found a way and a program that will work. I realize finding a dance class for a child to attend is not difficult, but finding one that this family can afford, as well as one that meets my specifications and timeframe is. I saw her leaving for school with her fingers crossed in the hopes that she will be able to start dancing soon. She needs more room and more mirrors than we have available in our living room! She "audtioned" yesterday for a dance instructor at Ballet Florida. I was so proud of her. She did not even blink at being alone in a room with mirrors all around and this dance instructor. She did all the woman asked of her and did a better than average job considering she has no training-the teacher was most impressed with her level of confidence...wonder where she gets that from!

I have spent much time trying to move forward in my mind, heart and life. I have made some deliberate choices about how I must learn to live with a more focused outlook. I decided this morning as I drove to work that my life was probably as normal as I could imagine it to be. I am learning to live with the fact that I do think about Robert all the time...I have realized that much of mine and Jeff's divorce had to do with the loss of Robert. I thought this morning of how difficult and impossible it would have been for him and I to have gotten through day-to-day living with both of us missing Robert so much. I realize that in this world Jeff is the only other human that misses and thinks about Robert as much as I do. In some sort of strange way the fact that Jeff and I do not dwell on Robert's death because we are not together is the only way we survived, and are suriving in any fashion of what is considered normal.

I suppose that couples who manage to hold it together after the death of a child manage to do so because one of them is strong enough to pull the other through it, or because one of them leaves their grief somewhere deep inside and does not acknowledge it...working through that deep abyss for Jeff and I would have been impossible I know. Separately we have been able to find a way to navigate these waters and become healthy stable individuals and healthy, stable, loving parents. Jessica was lamenting the other day over the fact that Jeff and I get along. She feels slighted in a way...she predicts that if we were fighting and hating one another she might benefit in some way. She joked about how we would be trying to out-do each other in the giving department, and how the kids would be able to get away with certain stuff because one parent wanted to annoy the other parent and so on...Jeff and I thought this was brilliant! We laughed and in the end agreed that we are proud to say we do get along and what one of us does in the discipline dept. stays-sorry kids, your Dad and I did not let you "play" us then we won't let you "play" us now.

Anyway, I digress. In all of this for me, I am trying to move forward. I have spent much time trying to find a way to let go of the dispappointments in my life and forgive myself. Is it necessary to forgive one's self before truly being able to receive our Lord's forgiveness? I wonder. I wonder if in my inability to let go and receive the mercy and forgiveness that our Lord promises so eloquently in His Word am I hindering further progress in my life. Or has the forgiveness already taken place and the mercy given and I am not just receiving it and moving on. So much of the pain that grips me and someone in my situation all gets wrapped up together. It is all a two edged sword. You see forgiveness and moving forward in life means moving away from something that you feel so strongly connected to.

There must be and needs to be a way to move forward, forgive, let go of, and receive mercy without letting go of the memory of Robert, and the memory of a life lived in a marriage...letting go of the past does not mean forgetting it. Receiving forgiveness does not mean you become a different person, you may become a "new" person and a changed person-but you are still the same. It is truly the proverbial which came first the chicken or the egg? In the end, the chicken was still hatched and still a chicken...I suppose in life we need to just find a way to receive the inevitable and live on...

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

Yes, going through a divorce has left me feeling at times unrighteous. No matter how smooth it was, no matter how fluidly we parent at this time the scars are still there and the reprucussions of it all must be dealt with...so much in life is easier. It is true, you all of a sudden realize that the sun setting and Fridays looming do not make you feel so blue that you yourself want to fade away-remember those days for me friends...how I dreaded Fridays. I'd forgotten this anxiety I suffered...so in time I too trust that the idea of forgiveness and mercy become a flawless transition in my life.

Forgiveness, it is there, it is free-take hold it, embrace it, and live.

Thank you for stopping by.

As so many in our world are suffering so much I keep remembering those parents in my own backyard who risk life and limb every single day to keep their children alive-all those who survived the hurricanes of this past summer and are continuing to fight insurance companies, hospitals, drug companies, and even in some cases their doctors to keep their children alive and beating cancer-you parents are champions-you fight for the ultimate champions, your children.

God bless you all. Peace, Kathy

Thursday, January 6, 2005 8:12 AM CST

Good day. It is a new day, a new year...Happy 2005!

I wonder, how many of us were glad to leave 2004? I must admit, the way 2004 left this world-and the mark it left on the world is mind boggling. Mother Nature has truly shown us the true lack of control, and power we as humans have over our world. The events on the other side of the world have truly left me shocked and a bit dismayed.

Over the past 2 weeks my thoughts have been full of words and prose and ramblings that I have wanted to find a page for...I have failed miserably at getting my thoughts put in a orderly fashion to be remotely worthy of putting on a page.

I will keep it simple...Christmas, I believe we just celebrated Christmas did we not? Was lovely at our home. I trust it was just as lovely for you and yours at your home. The children seemed pretty happy-we were all together, and all the juggling between homes and families truly went off without a hitch, it all seemed so seamless. The Christmas pageant that Christina participated in was truly delightful. It was held in a beautiful, quaint church. The setting was so lovely and inviting. It truly was a peaceful place. Christina and her friend were the stars of the group; it was such a small group of kids singing that those girls being the older ones of the group really carried the sound. I felt like I was sitting in an episode of a Charlie Brown Christmas. Afterward, the children spent time with Jeff on Christmas Eve. Andy and I went to my neighbor's house for dinner, and then when the children returned, Mimi Bunny, accompanied by my older brother, came to the house for her traditional reading of a Christmas story. Jeff used to always read the biblical version of the birth of Jesus, Mom reads the American/traditional version. It was beautiful all of us sitting around listening and being together.

Let me be the first to inform you all-I got a LAWNMOWER for Christmas! My brother Terry bought me one. The day after Christmas I was summoned to the local Sears tool department to pick out my mower! It is too pretty to use. I called my brother to tell him that I am afraid to get it dirty, put the oil in it and the gas. I can jumpstart my car 5,112 times without blowing up either vehicle, but I am a bit phobic about my new lawnmower! It shiny and red, the wheels in the back are the bigger ones so it looks really cool- maybe I should put a photo of it on the page...better yet, when I am actually mowing my lawn, and my neighbor's lawn-I owe her a few, I will get the kids to take a picture and post it for ya! I knew you all could not wait to hear this bit of news...

Good news travels fast...bad news even faster...I do not want to spread any bad news. Life is still cruising along-so much remains the same. I have learned so much about life, love and truly being happy this past year. I have learned that life has no respect for where you have been or what you have been through, a tsunami could be right around the corner for any of us-life does not discriminate-if a disaster is coming your way, life is not going to pause and say, "hey wait a minute, hasn't this woman had enough!?" Nah, that simply is not case...HOWEVER, as life tries to drown us we can and must choose to find a way through it-at the end of the day, no one can make that choice for us. Love, well seems that simple four letter word comes in many shapes and sizes. I have learned it can come in the shape of a friend, a cyber-friend, a child, a boyfriend, a brother, a mother, and so many others...the secret to love is the giving and being able to receive it. That my friends I could write many pages on...I do not go into many of the details of my evolution through the world of relationships-be it with family, friends or boyfriends. In some ways I realized that I stink at them, in other ways I am amazed that I am able to have any semblance of a normal relationship in my life-apparently I have lots of issues! ;)

Thank you for being so faithful to me, to my family, and to my Robert. Robert, we have not gone one moment without missing him this season. Robert has been the topic of many conversations-he has been the reason for many tears this past month...I miss my son more than ever-maybe it is because I realized, as the sorrow washed over me,it is now that I am finally living. The memory of Robert's contagious laughter, the memory of his hug that never wanted to let go...his ability to patiently wait and bide his time trying to get better...all of who he was still inspires me and is egging me on.

It is a New Year-true to Kathy Charlton form, true to Waldron women form, I refuse to let the way this New Year started for me in my life and in the world dictate how I plan to face the rest of it. My sweet Christina turned 10 on the 2nd; I will be 38, my Jessica 15...and so on...

Life, shall we live-together? Thanks for stopping by...

Peace, Kathy

Thursday, December 23, 2004 9:34 AM CST

Happy Christmas, almost! It's almost Christmas, I am almost ready, I am almost wrapped up, I am almost ready to bake cookies, I have almost planned what we will eat for dinner on Christmas Day...I am almost everything...nice to know that some things never change.

It is a strange Christmas spirit in the air around here. How about in your neck of the woods? Do you get the feeling that pretty much everyone is faking it? I know that folks around here are so tired and still recovering from the very long summer of storms-and it just seems that everywhere you go, everyone you encounter the feeling is the same-rush, rush, rush-hurry skurry get the shopping done! Everything is so different for so many people this year I guess we are all just trying to adjust to the new normal. Maybe it was the fact that not only did we have the summer from you know where, but right after that we were all focused on the election, and the war...we are all focused on that.

There is so much to take our attention away from the spirit of this season. I love this time of year. I would love to have more of it. Maybe that is why I bake cookies and cakes and goodies all the time. There is something about a warm oven full of homemade goodies that warms the heart and body. I already do not want to take the tree...the spirit needs to stay up and able to see more readily for a longer time this year I think. It seems that each of us could use more time for Christmas this year. I daresay, you like me, don't necessarily want the extra time so that there is more time to shop, or more time to get ready, but more time to enjoy-more time to sit around with those we love and share of the goodness and blessings that our very full lives bring with them.

Maybe I would like to have more time so that I can get that family photo I wanted for my Christmas cards just right so that I can send them out on time! I believe my tradition will be New Year's cards! It is funny, all the hustle and bustle has sort of lost it's merriment this year it seems. The other day I was lying down for a moment exhausted, it was Sunday in fact. I had just returned from taking the children shopping and needed to get ready for a Christmas party at one of my jobs. I did not want to move, I seriously did not feel up to getting "dolled up" for a party. Into my room swisked a very excited Christina..."Mom you HAVE to come and see this sunset!" "Come on Mom, you have to, you have just got to see this sunset...I will give you 5 kisses if you get up and come see it!" I moaned and groaned a bit, who could refuse such an offer...it was truly an amazing display of majesty in the sky that night. The clouds were aligned as sheep in a herd heading whereever their shepherd led them...

I stood there with my daughter looking heavenward-of course I knew my Robert was in the midst somewhere...the spirit of the moment was precious to me, I am grateful I did not miss it...I am not sure I ever did get those 5 kisses.

God bless you all as Christmas approaches. May the traditions of your family fill your homes with love, joy, and peace. A new year is coming close on the tail of our season-as always we rejoice with the promise of a future that our Lord sees and is preparing for us.

"Behold-good tidings-behold, behold-good tidings- behold...Behold, good tidings of great joy..."

Merry Christmas! Peace, Kathy

Friday, December 17, 2004 9:43 AM CST

Good Friday, eh? Christmas next week you say…curious, time sure is cruising along…who knew.

It is a very dreary day here at the Lighthouse. It is very quiet with the exception of the fisherman standing outside of my window talking on his cell phone. What is this world coming to? He just said, “Every day we manage to get something…” Apparently this fisherman is not only a visionary by carrying a cell phone, he is optimistic. The silence of this place is a welcoming sound. My office space now occupies a stock room and is shared with 2 other lighthouse managers, and any number of volunteers who are scheduled for the day. The silence is nice. It is always good to have moments to think…I think.

I listened to the surf report on the Christian radio station this morning-it is crucial to have the surf report if you live in South Florida! The “dude” shared this Scripture for the day…

“For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulders: and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.” Isaiah 9:6

As I listened to this Scripture, I had this thought, “What a balance of power!” My heart leapt as I heard it read, “Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God…” My heart was humbled and full of joy at the very thought and realization that the Lord of the universe who desires that no other gods come before him, would want us to know that He was a Wonderful Counselor-as well as the Mighty God. How desperately we all need to know that our Heavenly Father loves us in a manner such as this. The name Wonderful Counselor resonates of a peaceful nature that is willing to listen, guide, exude patience, and caring…all along knowing that He is the Mighty God that has the power to in a simple breath dictate life and death…

My mind races as I look back over the week that has vanished from me…Monday started in the craziest of ways. We were in our usual hurried state as I shuffled the kids out the door and ordered them into the van. It was rather chilly that morning; I did not realize just how cold it was until we piled in the car. Unfortunately, my van’s battery has been very temperamental and has not started on more than one occasion. Needless to say, the car was dead. I told the kids to hurry and pile in the little Saturn I had bought for the day when they came and took my van…so, this car has been sitting in my driveway and we were going to have to use it. It is not registered or insured, so I do not drive it-I planned to drive the kids to school and come back and jump start the van so that I could go to work…the neighbor took the kids to school while I opened the hoods of the cars and positioned them to get the van started. Who knew the Saturn had side-mount battery, whatever that is…so, it took me some time to figure this out. Meanwhile, my cell phone rang 4 times-my Mom was calling to say that she was on her way to pick up Matthew he had missed the bus; Jeff called to see why Matthew called him because he missed the bus; at least he told me how to affix the cables to jump the van from a side-mount battery… I zipped up to school, after changing the tags on the vehicles, got Matthew, came back jumped started the van (did I say it was really cold that morning), changed the tags back…loaded Matthew in the van and headed off. In the car Matthew kept saying, “This is a horrible day, just a really bad day...don’t you think so Mom?” I said, “Nah, all this is just stuff-I do not want it to make me decide that the entire day is bad.” Off we went…

I commented to my co-worker at work that day about having one of those days when you should have just stayed in bed…I was headed out of the office when my cell phone rang, it was my usual 2:18 pm call from Christina telling me they were home from school (my neighbor brings the kids home from school and keeps an eye on them until I get there). So, I answer the phone…Christina says, “MOM!” I reply, “Yes Christina…” She said to me, “you left your car turned on!” I replied “WHAT?!” She said the car is running (I thought of the old prank call we used to make as kids asking if the fridge was running-I almost told her to go catch it!) The cool-calm-collected parent got the better of me…I told her to simply head out front and get in the driver seat and turn the key toward herself to shut it off. I told her that car gets really good gas mileage!

Can you imagine, I left the car running all day-sitting in the driveway, no tag on it, angled in the middle of the driveway…as I realized what I had done I heard sirens in the background and wondered if they were finally coming to take me away…

Praise God He is a Wonderful Counselor-as you look upon His throne, that would be me you see lying on His couch right next to Him begging for guidance and rambling like a maniac…that would also be me sobbing and fighting a rage that I fight when I get real hormonal or the full moon rises! I have regular sessions with this Wonderful Counselor-Mighty God, Everlasting Father, and Prince of Peace…

I may forget who I am at times when I act like a madwoman…I may come across as frigid and unkind as I muddle through life at times; I may think I can conquer the world only to realize I can’t even start a lawnmower or get the laundry done! Yet, I am forever grateful, full of humility and overwhelmed with reverence when I realize that the Lord of the universe sent to us a child – His Son- to reveal His love for us in the form of a man, a counselor, a Prince of Peace…

Did I tell you we decorated the tree? Did I tell you the girls and I put up Christmas lights outside of the house…? NO, they have not committed me yet-I am still hiding in the lap of my Heavenly Father-thank you Lord for protecting me-for loving all of us.

Peace my friends-good tidings to you all.
Kathy

***Please check out the latest family photo!***Sorry if it is too large, I did not get it to my photo editor in time! ;)

Friday, December 10, 2004 10:12 PM CST

Good day-remember me? I daresay, now you may recognize the me of this page as the one you enjoy coming to visit and read along with...

"...fall on your knees, and hear the angels' voices, oh night divine, oh night when Christ was born..."

I have been listening to Christmas music tonight-while I drove along from place to place Christmas shopping. Yes, it is Christmas...and low and behold, in the livingroom of the Charlton's household stands a lovely, wonderfully smelling Christmas tree! It is not decorated yet, but I understand that the aroma of pine is a proven soother to the brain (yes, Prince has already peed on the stand once).

Last night we went as a family to Christina's school to watch her Holiday performance. We had alot of fun, it was the shortest Christmas program ever, but the kids did a great job and Christina even sang a solo-she was great. I must get that child in dance class soon-she needs to be on stage. After the program we drove around the neighborhood to see the Christmas lights, we sang and laughed like silly kids. Andy drove us all-me, my 3 children and his 2 girls (yes, he is Dad!) After we dropped the girls at home we seized the moment and decided to get our tree. Matthew was not pleased with the selection made, he wanted another tree...this left him feeling very frustrated, being the only boy really leaves him out numbered at times-Andy tries to remain neutral-he felt his job was to pay for the tree, and get it in the house for us and safely in the tree stand.

Matthew really pouted about the tree. Finally as he cried a bit he said, "this will be our 3rd Christmas without Robert!" Bingo, that is really what was hurting my little man's heart.

The house smells so much nicer with the scent of pine in the air. We are hoping to get it decorated this weekend. I am also hoping to put up some lights this weekend as the children REALLY want them up. I do not have a ladder though, and Andy is working all weekend, so we shall see about that. It was one thing putting up hurricane shutters by myself while standing on a kid's table, the the lights go up much higher and require electricity!

Thank you for your overwhelming concern for my state of mind with my last post. I did not mean to sound quite so desperate-I do truly get that desperate at times, but it soon fades and the moon rises again and the sun continues to paint the most amazing of sunrises. I am so grateful to be blessed to know that so many "perfect strangers" care so much.

I must report some good news for you all to enjoy. Tis the season for being grateful and for the giving and receiving of blessings...so, first let me say this, as far as the IRS goes-I have managed to "hire" a big gun to stand between me and them. He came highly recommended and really knows his stuff. It also turns out that the hurricanes may have almost blown my house down, but they also managed to blow away the big bad wolf that started this whole mess with our case in the first place. Seems that Mr. Super-IRS dude has been "re-assigned". My tax expert, The Hulk, says that this could really work in my favor. He is hoping that whoever picks up the case will take one look at it, see how long it has been sitting around and how meaningless it is, and close it!!! We can only hope. I also want to report that though the FEMA inspector apparently noted that my house was "unsafe" does not mean that it is...at least as far as I can tell. The roof is not leaking, the a.c. works, and the cable, so as far as we are concerned it is just fine! I forwarded the appropriate letter as I was instructed and hopefully someone will pick up my file and do something with it this eternity!

I also want to share another bright spot in this week. Last week while I was attempting to not lose my grip on reality, I realized it was "Giving Tree" time at the kids' school. I selected child from the tree. This gift request really caught my eye and touched my heart. It was a request from a 9 yr old little girl and she wanted a "skimboard". When Robert was 9, all he wanted was a skimboard. I remembered how I scraped the money together to get it for him-$120 was alot of money for one gift when you have 4 children to but for. He was so elated, I cherish the photos of him posing with his board. He used it as much as he could-he was diagnosed 2 months after Christmas that year. So, as I held this little bird that bore this child's request I remembered my Robert. I knew somehow I just had to get this for this child, in honor of him. The boards are still just as expensive...I did however manage to find a site on ebay that sells these boards brand new! I bid on one-it has a huge hibiscus flower on it-I won the auction and with shipping included it is about a third of the cost it would have been here locally! I cannot wait to get it delivered. Now I must pray it gets here in time-I was so pleased that a way was made for me to fulfill this request. I pray this little girl whoever she may be, has many amazing days on the beach playing in the surf on her board-she will not even realize who it is in the breeze around her watching as she tries to skim on the water...but I will know. Funny thing is, I know that if Robert would have picked anyone off that tree to buy a gift for, he would have picked that same one-he always would pick the most elaborate requests because he believed and knew that we would do our best to meet that exact request.

So precious ones-read here-the Spirit of Christmas lives on-even in an old Scrooge like myself! I may continue to be a "grumpus" as Andy lovingly refers to me-I may continue to slip and drive my kids nuts, but please know that yes, there is peace, love, hope, and joy. Even for a brokenhearted single Mom like myself.

I was doubly blessed today-I received 2 early Christmas presents. One came from my best boy-my sweet Matthew presented me with a very sparkly beautiful star ring for me as a Christmas present. He was beaming and waiting for me as I pulled in the driveway from work today...he said, "now Mom promise me that you will never, ever take it off!" Little does he know I still carry around the pez candy he gave me as a lucky charm when I was getting on a plane 3 yrs. ago! Then in the mail was a delightful surprise from 3 very special ladies-you do know how to make a gal's day! Thank you so much-Tammy, Amanda, and Laure! You are too good to me.

"oh night divine, oh night when Christ was born..."

Peace to you-all is well...
Kathy

Tuesday, December 7, 2004 7:38 AM CST

Good day-remember me? Seems that some days lately I am forgetting who I am, maybe in some backward way I am hoping the rest of the world would forget to!

I realized last night as I cleaned out the fridge from the leftovers of Thanksgiving, that Thanksgiving was 2 weeks ago. OUCH, or rather, YUCK! I do not know about you all, but as for me and my house, we need at least another month before Christmas. It seems to me that the theme for Christmas in South Florida this year is the "Bah-humbug" theme. Actually, that might be a bit of an exaggeration, people-myself included-aren't really as grumpy and unhappy as Mr. Scrooge was, we are all just still stunned and dismayed as we drive around and see the leftover demolition of the summer. It is also evident that most of the decorating that will be done for Christmas will be to re-adjust the "blue-roofs". Funny, you have heard of blue hair, and the "Blue Man Group", but I never realized I would be living in the "blue roof" capital of the world. When I called FEMA this morning I almost told the operator I lived in "blue roof county".

Thanksgiving was lovely. Matthew's birthday was great. The IRS is still hounding me, FEMA informed me this morning that the inspector noted that my house was "unsafe" to live in and never bothered to tell me that. They advised me of this, and asked if he told me and asked if I would be willing to relocate if my house was deemed unsafe? I looked at the phone in my hand and was once again so beyond impressed with the powers that be...So, now I must fax a letter in stating that I would be thrilled to leave my dwelling if it was considered unsafe. Do you think they would mind if I left the pets living there? I did tell the very nice lady on the phone that it was a darn shame that I did not live 2 counties south of "blue roof county" because they apparently have received 1/2 of the monies allotted by FEMA for the entire state! I must make a mental note, make sure next hurricane season to be living in the only county in the state that did not get hit by the hurricane to get any state financial aid-by the way, if your tv broke recently maybe you could ask FEMA to replace it for you, I am sure you should have a new one by Christmas. Don't worry if you do not have a natural disaster to accompany your claim, just tell them the hurricanes did it-apparently that works.

Are you picking up on my tone in my writing...I miss being able to come to this page and put my good thoughts here-and now I am so overwhelmed with thoughts that have not found a page that I am literally spewing them out faster than I can type.

I have a goal this week, I think, my goal is to get a Christmas tree. Note, I said get a tree, yes I must relinquish my control over the fact that for the next month having a tree in my house means that Prince will really have a place to pee all the time! Can't wait till the presents are under the tree for him to leave his mark on-I told the kids, "NO TREE" then I said, "Okay, a tree on the table..." Poor Matthew he lamented big time. He stood muttering to himself in the family room it just won't be Christmas without a tree." So, old grumpy me will get a tree. Maybe by next week I will have gotten down the decorations and get it decorated.

I am really feeling how utterly uncontrollable life is, can you tell? I concluded this morning that much of the frustration I feel on certain days is because I cannot control anything. I cannot control the traffic, the IRS, the weather, Prince peeing...etc. It became obvious to me that I parent this way as well. I realized that many times I parent my children because I can control them. At least I think I can. I can control when they go to bed, I can control when they shower, what they watch on t.v., what they eat, what they say-around me at least. I can control when and if I let them on the computer. I realized that last night as I was so frustrated with so many things that I have no control over I wanted to control their worlds to be in control of something.

This sort of parenting does not make for a happy family, at least not in my house. When I am to the point that I want to control my kids because I cannot control my finances, traffic, the weather and the fact that Christmas is coming whether I like it or not-it means that I am not lovingly parenting my kids. In my house when I get to this point it means I am yelling at the dogs, slamming around and huffing and pufffing along! Not a pretty sight I might add.

I do know that I have the ability to control one very crucial piece to this puzzle-ME! I know that I have the ability and I am the only one who can control how I react to anything and everything that is affecting my life. I can control the way I face the uncontrollable.

Even the uncontrollable, inconceivable truth that I could not save Robert.

I realized a couple of nights ago as the emotions of life swirled over me like a tidal wave, that Robert is still gone-dead-not here...never coming back. It pained me more than I ever imagined a pain could ache. I looked back and realized the first Christmas he was gone was a blur, looking through a thick fog is very blurry. Then last year, his second Christmas gone, the dust from the demolition of a marriage was still floating around. This year, the fog has been lifted, the dust has begun to settle
life is probably as normal as it will ever get and you know what-ROBERT IS STILL GONE!

So, I am once again relinquishing control, resigning myself to living with that which I must learn to accept...and in the end, the tree will get decorated, gifts bought and wrapped...and in the end, I am sure I will manage to find that spirit within myself that so adores this time of year because of all that it truly represents, LOVE, HOPE, PEACE, and JOY.

Pray I get back to this page on a regular basis...pray I find a time and place to get out and walk and meditate...pray that Prince finally stops peeing in the house!!!

God bless you, Peace to you all.

Kathy

Wednesday, November 24, 2004 8:52 AM CST

Good day. First things first, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATTHEW! I am not sure, but I do believe he is the only kid I have ever known so excited about turning 8! His exuberance is contagious and all of us around him these past few days have been bitten by his birthday bug! Last night I prepared a bit of a pre-Thanksgiving dinner and he asked to sit at the head of the table since it was his birthday the next day. One of the girls wanted to know what time he was born and so I told the story of the day my sweet little guy was born. It was especially fun to recall that morning because Mimi Bunny was at the dinner table and she was able to remember it all right along with me, she almost delivered Matthew!

The children spend Wednesday nights with Jeff. He and Barbara are planning on hosting a birthday dinner for Matthew. He is so excited as Barbara is cooking his favorite chicken dish. I am also excited as I was invited to join them for dinner as well. I get to bring the birthday cake...Matthew ran down the events of his birthday to himself this morning..."I get to take cupcakes to school today, then I have my family dinner tonight at Dad's with my chicken with that cheese on top...then I get to have a party with my friends..." Last night at dinner Matthew prayed and prayed-he thanked God for so many things, he told God he understood that Robert could not be here with us and him for his birthday and that he wished he could have been...

So much has changed over the passed 2 years. The entire structure of this little family has changed-it has expanded and decreased both at the same time. Some might think and look upon the additions as being added in an unfortunate manner, however, I do not see it that way. I have thought much of the new dynamic this family has taken on during this time. Though not perfect or ideal I must admit, it is a new dynamic that is worthy of being very thankful and grateful for nonetheless.

Many of you recall that Thanksgiving was Robert's favorite holiday. Of course he loved the food, but mainly he loved the fact that his family was all together. He loved that his family always would include one, or more, person that did not have a family of their own to share Thanksgiving with. He loved that he lived within a family that made others feel warm and welcome and safe...that was what brought a smile to my son's face. Maybe it was simpler than that, maybe Robert liked the idea that Thanksgiving meant there might be someone new to impress, charm and outwit at dinner! I was just reading Robert's words from his journal-the words he wrote about what he thought about the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, his last Thanksgiving with us...he wrote “Thanksgiving is about being thankful for family and all that we have..."

I am thankful for family-I am thankful that even though this family has taken on a new form it is still one that is full of love and hope and grace...

As I wrote before, the children will be with their Dad tonight-I am grateful to be invited and for the fact that I will be accompanied by my Andy, I am grateful that my Mom will be there as well. I am grateful that Jeff and I though divorced know and understand the importance of keeping and being consistent with our children and being committed to providing them with the very best that we can...

This Thanksgiving will be very different indeed. We are all going in a new direction. The children and I will be heading a bit north, Port St. Lucie, to be with Andy's family. Jeff and Barbara will be spending the day with family friends, My Mom is spending the day with a friend of hers that is here visiting, my older brother is out of town, my younger brother-sadly, he is very lost to the world right now…It brings me comfort to know that our distant extended families up North will be all together-and I have reconciled the fact that so many of our lives and households are sharing Thanksgiving Day in ways that they never did before. We are a nation divided in many ways-we are families divided in many ways…it is my prayer, my hope that wherever you may find yourself this Thanksgiving Day, I pray that you will be thankful to be ALIVE, thankful for our COUNTRY, thankful for our LIVELIHOOD that we are so blessed with, and thankful that you get to be invited to your ex-husband's house for your son's birthday and that you get to bring the cake and your special someone...

No matter WHATt, no matter WHERE, no matter HOW-we all have MUCH to be thankful for!

All is well, Happy Birthday to my beautiful amazing 8 year old son! Happy Thanksgiving to all of us!

God bless you, Peace-Kathy

P.S.
Krista, if you read here, please email me.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004 9:00 PM CST

Hello and good day. We are home, safe and sound. Nothing like a whilrwind Charltons' on tour weekend trip to get the blood pumping. Or was is the very cold weather that kept the blood pumping?

Our time away was indeed special. Matthew summed it up best when he awoke on Sunday morning the day we were to leave and said "I wish there was a way to take Camp Sunshine home with us!" I told him, "Camp Sunshine can go with us wherever we take it, WE are Camp Sunshine." It was very heartwarming to be in a place that allowed each of us to be ourselves. Jess made some new friends and really enjoyed her time there-she truly shined as the amazing young person I know her to be. Christina, well she was onstage the first night! Each day someone else asked me if she was my daughter and told me how wonderful they thought she was. Matthew he got to be all boy, all day, every day-he was very happy. For me, it was an honor to be among other parents who had a real understanding and respect for our loss. Each of them understood the intricacies of the cancer treatments, the battle and the ultimate loss.

We plan to return. I will be posting some photos, including one of the family quilt I made while I was there.

Thank you for the many heartfelt thoughts and words during this time. It is so comforting to know that you all remember Robert and us...

It is so unusual the weather around here of late. It is as though it is mirroring the very strange weather the night Robert left this place. On Sunday it rained and rained-buckets. Then the wind has been blowing like crazy ever since. I have been allowing myself to wander back to the last days of Robert's life-remembering so many things. The weather was astounding. A wild storm blew into our neck of the woods that Saturday night. The night sky lit up with lightning and thunder rumbled violently. I remember watching as Robert seemed to be wrestling with God in his slumber. His room was filled with people-2 pastors, Me on one side, Jeff on the other. We studied his movements and watched his lips muttering trying to understand what he was saying. I remember how astonished I was when Robert reached out and opened and closed his hand rapidly for me to grasp it-and instinctively, simultaneously he reached out the other hand and motioned for someone to grab hold...he knew-he absolutley knew, in those moments that his Dad and I were on either side of him as we always were...I will never forget that moment in time-my son's instincts were always so brave and bold-even in his semi-conscious drugged state. He knew if he reached for us we would be right there...his eyes were closed but his faith was evident.

That is much of how life has been since Robert left this place. As a mother I have been blindly clinging to something I cannot see, but in the fog in which I find myself living I must reach out and find that hand to hold-that hand that can pull me through anything. As Robert looks down and sees me I want him to be able to see that in some way, some how I have been trying to carry on...

I find myself wondering and imagining much of sweet Robert now-as he is in heaven. Sometimes it is almost audible what I feel he is saying to me. I know he is near us. I am comforted in knowing and believing that though he misses us he does not miss us as we miss him-his longing to be near us does not bring any pain and sorrow as ours does. I know he sees me his mother-I know he appreciates every time I bake cookies for the kids, cook dinner, and do not kill the dogs! I know Robert is pleased to know that tonight I made his favorite chocolate chip cookies in honor of him-and told the children that is why I was baking them. I know and believe that Robert sees his big sister Jessica and is so proud that his sister is no slouch-she is the plumbline for cool and forward thinking for this family. He sees his little sister Christina and rolls his eyes every time she cranks up the radio and dances and watches herself in the mirror. I absolutely know that he is so proud of his little brother. Robert adored Matthew-I know that as Robert looks down and sees his brother with his best friend it reminds him and makes him smile as he remembers his best friend. Yes, Robert, I know you see your Dad, too. I pray he knows how proud you are of him, your "pops". I know that you are right there with him as he drives along the highway and listens to your favorite Usher songs-I know you are so proud of him as he coaches the guys that would be your peers and competition on the basketball court...

Yes, Robert, I know and believe you are everywhere...with Aunt Shari and her new babies, Uncle Mike as he forges ahead, Uncle Terry as he travels the world...I know you are with your cousins as they venture through life, with your Mimi's as they continue to be the best mimis in the world...and yes, thank you son for being with Papaw as he is healing. Robert I believe now you can comfort Cameron as he goes through treatment, help Zach continue to be so brave and strong...I know you see Kyle too-stay close my son. robert so many of us needed to know you, see how brave you were, share in your ability to embrace life...

Robert-I believe you are everywhere now son. We will carry on. Just as you would have...

Peace world-all is well-it just has to be. Remember...

Kathy

Monday, November 8, 2004 9:54 AM CST

Good day!

It is a beautiful sunny cool day here in South Florida. These are the kind of days that make us who call this place home remember why we call this place home!

My oh my, so much has happened since last we spoke...let's see-apparently my younger brother celebrated another birthday in spite of his older sis remembering to acknowledge it! In addition, now that is very true at this point-I am very happy to report that our extended family has grown since last week. My best friend from my childhood gave birth to twins! We are so excited-especially Jessica since she is the desginated Godmother to the babies. I have been out eyeballing baby stuff ever since she told me she delivered one of each-a healthy baby boy, and a healthy baby girl! You may recall last year when I wrote about the loss of another friend close to my family-it was her brother who died suddenly last December...so, these precious babies could not have arrived at a more wonderful time! I used to tell her when she was carrying them along that she was having one for me and one for her Mom! So, Congratulations to sweet Shari and Scott-and your two beautiful babies!

I have more good news to report. The children and I will be traveling north to Maine on Thursday. We are going to Camp Sunshine in Portland, Maine. I am so excited. My heart has been longing to be able to take the children away just the 4 of us...I felt that we needed some time away together. Now we have that opportunity. The cool thing is that I received word just last Monday that we were accepted into the camp. We had heard about Camp Sunshine when Robert was going through treatment. It was one of the few things that Jeff and I thought we would have really wanted to do with the family while Robert was sick. Unfortunately we ran out of time. So, I had figured we missed our opportunity all together. Turns out, Camp Sunshine added a Bereavement session just last fall. So, I applied-I did not expect to be able to take the kids and go; I knew that I could not afford to fly us up there, and I realized driving would take too long...so, when they called telling us we were accepted into the camp I told them I did not think we could attend because of travel arrangements. The woman suggested I call my friends at St. Mary's POST (Pediatric Oncology Support Team). They are a wonderful group of ladies that work extremely hard for the families they support. They are true patient advocates and never shy away from a challenge! My kind of women!

I called the "Dream Team" and told them of my dilemna. At first they felt that they would not be able to help us get to the Camp. They had just finished raising the money to send another family to the camp...they told me if only they had more time...so I hung up the phone and figured it was a done deal. Almost immediately the phone rang and the Team asked me to give them until the end of the day to see if they could come up with "something..." Needless to say, they came through! POST is funding our families trip to Camp Sunshine via air travel! They were so excited to tell me that they had the means to pay for our flight to Camp!

We all agreed that it was meant to be! That is code for, "Calm down Kathy, you can get on a plane!" So, off we go for 4 days in freezing Maine! We are all so excited. Please pray that we have safe travel, and that God would use this time to further build the already strong, close bond that this little family is forging between ourselves.

Notice the timing of this trip-it is not lost on this mother. It is my desire that my children continue to know that even if we are fragmented and tattered a bit-to say we are wind-blown like my house after a hurricane is an understatement...even if that is our situation, we are a family. I cannot wait to show off my beautiful amazing children to this group!

Thank you for stopping by and checking in...on a lighter note, November 14th is Mimi Bunny's birthday-you can send her well wishes here-she loves her birthday and celebrating it!!!

Peace to you and yours-Kathy

Friday, October 29, 2004 9:57 AM CDT

Good Friday...is it a bit spooky where you are? It is here...of course some of what could have us Floridians spooked is this upcoming election-to say that we are a hotbed of adversity is an understatement...of course, we South Floridians are easily spooked these days. If anyone even simply started a generator I promise you people would run for the hills-that sound of humming generators is haunting everyone!

I have been hoping for a haunting lately. It is the time of year. I mean not to spook any of you, but it just so happens that Robert loved Halloween. All the Charlton kids do...Many of you remember Robert's last Halloween-heart-wrenching...he made it though, he managed to get in some trick or treating with his best friend. A memory I will never forget. The children are excited for Halloween. Matthew will be some sort of ghoul in a cape and a scary mask; Christina is a Bride of the Dark-ooooohhhhhh; Jess, she is going out as a black cat. Me, well, I am actually going to a Halloween party in a costume with a date no less! Now how is that for progress! The fact that I am going out in costume, not the date part-I am not that pathetic...remember that handsome guy you all saw me dressed up with in some photos not too long ago, well he has managed to be able to put up with me all this time. Lucky him!

Strange things have been happening with the full moon this week. Last night Prince started barking to get out of his crate in the middle of the night. This is not normal behavior, the little monster may pee all over the house, but at least he goes in his crate when we tell him...anyway, I got up and put him out in the yard. No minor feat I might add, first I have to find the chain and then hook him on it; it is usually tangled around something, anything, even dirt--this makes my life so much more interesting. We lost all our fence with the hurricanes, so putting the dogs out is quite a task, especially in the middle of the night! Strange thing was Angel did not bark or want to go out, Prince just wanted to frolick under the moonlight. It's a shame he was not out there the night before when a gusher in the yard from the sprinklers woke me up in the middle of the night-darn hurricane, took the head from the sprinkler too!!

So I have decided if I am going to be up at all hours of the night anyway, I might as well be up with the ghosts! Haven't seen any, try as I may...gee that would not freak my kids out at all now would it! Thanks Mom, just what we wanted to be haunted by Robert!

Funny thing is this morning after everyone left the house I was rummaging about. I was rummaging for a photo. It is one my favorites of Robert. In the photo he is lying over the side of a chair laughing hard while he is talking on the phone. The bottom of his feet are visible and they are dirty from running around barefoot. He happens to be talking to his favorite nurse-"Nurse Karen". She was telling him that he could put off his chemo treatment for a couple of days and finish basketball camp. She could always get that boy laughing! I am meeting her today for lunch, and I have wanted to bring her that photo forever. So as I rummaged about looking for something I know that I just saw, I heard the strangest of noises. It sounded like a drill. I did not move. I thought to myself, my drill is in the other room and the sound is coming from the front door. I was a bit freaked out. It would stop and then start again...I did not move. I watched Angel very closely, she barely looked up...I thought that was strange. It sounded like someone was at my front door with a drill. I did not move, the dog did not move-if she started barking I would have been convinced someone was at my door. I scanned the room-I noticed a toy motorcycle across the room-it was lying in a pile of Robert's toy Star Wars figures that Matt had left in the yard...the week before a couple of boys broke apart 2 of Robert's favorite toys...my heart broke when they did this. I wonder if he sensed my missing him so much, and how I felt when I found "his" stuff lying around...the noise started and stopped for a few minutes. There was not another sound in the room-no one else around, just Angel and I.

In my hand I was holding the last photo I took of Robert. He is sitting in that same chair as the one in the photo I was looking for...I wondered if he knew I was going to meet Nurse Karen later today-the picture I held in my hand I adore. He is very sick and does not look as beautiful as he always did in photos, but he is hugging tightly to Angel, looking at the camera with his amazing brown eyes...holding onto her as if he would never let go...

The drilling sound continued-I studied the photo, thought of Robert. He seemed so near in my spirit. I do hope he was there, even if he was "haunting" me to let me know...

I never found the photo I had just seen the day prior-it seems to have disappeared...

Have a safe and wonderful time with your family this Halloween. May the spirits of those who no longer dwell among us bring you peace and comfort knowing they are safe in heaven...

Peace,
Kathy

P.S. JEFF'S DAD MADE IT THROUGH SURGERY AND IS RECOVERING. THEY ARE HOPING TO HEAD HOME THIS WEEKEND. HE HAS A LONG WAY TO GO, BUT LORD WILLING...

ALSO, I have added some pictures of Robert's bench to the photo page; I hope you can see it clearly.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004 8:21 AM CDT

Good day.

I trust all is well? All is well in our little spot on the planet, however, all is not so well in another little spot on the planet...Jeff's Dad, Papaw Mitchell, continues to struggle and is not well. I felt very compelled to share about his condition with so many who come here and have cared for this family for so long now.

Mitchell has been in the hospital for over 2 months now. It was that long ago when I first wrote about his heart surgery. He was released for only a day or 2 and has been suffering with serious infection ever since. We received a call the other night that he was going in for emergency surgery to repair his intestines and colon. He apparently was not in good shape in that area; his body was/is being poisoned. We all know how dangerous that is. Especially for someone recovering from major heart surgery. They had to postpone the surgery because of his heart. He had his surgery yesterday. I am not sure how well he did...

My heart broke as I heard how heartbroken Jeff was over this. As he told his Dad on the phone, "we can't afford to lose another Robert Mitchel..." Jeff shared with me that his father's heart has been failing for some time-they knew about this and he had put off dealing with it until Robert was better. I did not know this. My heart broke a little more as each of the children spoke to their grandfather. Mitchel is a man full of love-he loves his family that is for sure.

I drove to work this morning thinking of him and all that he is enduring. Pretty much I have concluded it totally sucks! Sorry for my lack of eloquence.

So why do I share this...why you might ask, why share more pain and suffering with those who might read here...because in my heart of hearts, as broken as it may be, I believe in prayer. I believe there is power in prayer, and in the coming together as a group believing and trusting in our Lord to heal, mend, and fix anything! I wondered again about prayer-it's power, it's meaning, it's necessity...

I silently concluded whatever I could muster up heavenward our Lord will hear. He is the best listener, most faithful, and trustworthy...I wondered about Robert. Do you think that those who now live on in heaven hear our prayers? Do you think they can work on our behalf...? I wonder. No need to answer, that is a very personal thought I am invoking. I thought of my Dad, gone now over 7 yrs. I remembered how heavy his heart would get when he would be apart from my Stepmom and brothers and sister every summer. I recalled our trip to the airport to deliver them...my Dad would not leave the airport until he watched their plane leave from sight. We would maneuver ourselves on the platform so that he could watch the planes every move, take flight, and fly away...he would mutter, "I just hate that they are all on one plane..." I know he was praying. My Dad would not even be able to eat that entire day until he knew they were safe and sound back on the ground. Now my Dad dwells in heaven with my son and other family that has gone before...and I wonder if he sees and knows what is in my heart as we face another family hardship.

If you can, if you believe than please pray. Robert Mitchell, Sr. needs our prayers.

Peace to you all-Kathy

Thursday, October 21, 2004 3:22 PM CDT

Good day world. The blue skies surrounding the Lighthouse are even more evident these days without all the trees crowding around us and providing us shade!!! So, the view is a bit better since hurricane season, that is a bonus!

The kids are doing well. Busy with school. Jess is still getting used to High School life and it's work load and such. I can say this, she has not missed a day of school other than for the hurricanes! How is that for a testimony to how school is going. Christina is a very busy 4th grader this year. She is busy tutoring both while at school and after school. She does get a bit frustrated as she has become the teacher's biggest source for grading papers and tutoring--I must check into that. She is also in the "Jammin Eagles" chorus group at school. She loves to be onstage. Matthew is doing okay at school. He was switched into a smaller class and is trying to adjust to it. Other than that, he is always running, riding and playing football with the boys in the neighborhood...he is a busy boy that is for sure.

Work is different for me now. I am now working out of the the Lighthouse Visitor Center; we made a make-shift office to accommodate our loss at the museum. My job is the same, membership renewals, volunteer cooridinating, weddings, tours and such...I do work actually giving tours of the lighthouse alot more now. Saturday was the most spectacular of days here in South Florida. It was a clear, cool sparkling day-I barely noticed my climbing the lighthouse 6 times to take groups up to the top! Of course I did feel it in my legs and back for a couple of days after the fact. I worked all weekend last weekend giving tours and such. I enjoy that part of my job as well. The other day one of the visitors spotted a pod of manatees swimming off the beach. It was so amazing to see 5 of them together. We usually only see 1 or 2; this was an entire family. We also had a wedding that afternoon. That was a lovely affair as well. This weekend we have a big wedding scheduled and it is going to have a "Medieval Theme"; I think that is because the men will be in kilts and the bag-pipes will be playing. Should be very cool. Also, last Saturday I was able to share about my Robert with a Mom. She was on a tour with her little boy. Turns out she was a hospice nurse in our county. She was curious about my children as we visited waiting for the group. I told her all about Robert. She wanted to know as much as I could tell. She is the mother of 3 boys herself, and unfortunately she is separated from her husband. So, I felt honored to be able to share about Robert, and humbled to share the outcome of my marriage of 15 years. I told her I have learned alot during the past 2 years-I told her how I have learned to accept the unacceptable and I encouraged her to stay as long as she could within her marriage-I told her I have learned alot about compromise as well. I was grateful to be able to share my life story with a "perfect stranger" who needed a word or two...

Our historical society is very busy trying to keep our revenue up and everything on track so that we can all keep our jobs. It is a blessing to work with people who know how to come together during a crisis and get what needs to get done while running from a storm. So, we have changed gears, packed up the artifacts from the museum and are focused on saving the lighthouse and keeping it in top shape!

I have started working at the Kravis Center for the Performing Arts again this season. This year is my 7th season there with them...it always feels good to be at work there, it is home in a sense to me. It is not easy on the kids me working day and night, but I need to do it. I try not to be gone too late and I usually only work weekends when they are with Jeff. Last Sunday Matthew and Christina came to work with me, it was so nice to have them here. Matthew of course wants to come to work with me everyday now! Christina is quite the tour guide!!! People all day kept looking at me telling how smart those two are...I said, "I know, try living with them!"

All my little geniuses...they are precious that is for sure. I hope they do not mind that their Mom expects them to change the world and find the cure for cancer...no pressure there ;).

Thank you for stopping by and such. No deep words of wisdom here today...just plain old catching up.

Peace to you,
Kathy

Wednesday, October 13, 2004 10:10 AM CDT

Good day...I trust life is easy for you at this time-I trust that if it is not, you are clinging to that very fine thread that holds you and are that you are digging deep realizing that the hand that holds you is the hand of a loving and trustworthy God...

I had this thought the other day-"ENOUGH!" Than I thought further, "IS IT ENOUGH?" "WILL IT EVER BE ENOUGH...?" "ENOUGH ALREADY...!" Than finally, "IT IS ENOUGH!"

Oh, we can speculate on any one of these statements, questions for hours, even days...one thing in life I do know, my time with Robert will never be ENOUGH, and that in his final days of suffering I finally found myself saying, "ENOUGH ALREADY!". Now, I concluded, his life was "ENOUGH"... Robert's short life was enough to bring joy to a mother's heart for a lifetime, to cause a Mimi to reflect and laugh out loud even now almost 2 yrs. after he has gone, his life was enough for his brother to learn what it was to be a boy and a friend...his life was enough to help his sisters learn a little more about being close to one another...his life was enough to change countless lives...in the end, Robert's life was "ENOUGH".

I now wonder, is my life "ENOUGH"? Will it ever be "ENOUGH"? More importantly, will I let it be "ENOUGH"?

Oh to be able to find the precious balance between being satisfied and content-with not settling for something because we have to...

I am content to know that with some things, "IT IS ENOUGH." Grace my friends, it goes a long way...

I ask, "Is it enough?" Be happy, be at peace--always--this is all we get, it must be enough.

Peace,
Kathy

Friday, October 8, 2004 5:37 AM CDT

Good day. Friday, again-no hurricanes on the horizon-AMEN! What a blessing to see and hear from so many of you that I have not heard from in some time...

It is truly Fall around here in South Florida. It is beautiful out tonight. I love this time of year...it does make me terribly melancholy though. I am one that if I lived where the seasons drastically changed I would definitely develop the Fall Blues. I have them and I live in constant sunshine. Not this year. Not only are all the leaves off the trees, pretty much all the trees are gone and all the fences, and bushes and all sorts of stuff.

I spend my days at the Lighthouse now. The museum is pretty much wiped out. It is not certain if we will ever move back in there, we are checking into alternative locations. It is a possibility that we will take over the entire building that houses our Visitor Center. It is a historic WWII barracks building. We shall see.

Everywhere you go everyone mentions how they are trying to get back to "normal". I sort of grin to myself as I have mastered the mystery of never really knowing what normal is. In spite of all that has happened of late, the IRS is still continuing it's hot pursuit of me...shame they don't have anything better to do! I realized the other day that this family has been living in a state of disaster for over 3 years now. I don't think I will ever be ready for retirement-well, actually maybe I will really be ready for retirement.

I also realized that for me in some sort of twisted reality, the hurricanes at least distracted me from the sadness in my heart. Life has been such a bizarre whirlwind for the past several weeks I have barely had time to be as sad as I had been for a while...I must admit, this is the hardest time of year for me. I am certain this is very typical for anyone who has lost so much as the reminders of the time of year approach. Monday it hit me hard the memories of Robert's final month of life. The memory of the very instant the doctor sat next to me and told me that my son would die. I will never forget that fateful Saturday morning-it intrigues me how I remember what the doctor was wearing, every nuance of those moments and sounds are imbedded in my memory as if someone etched them in stone. My heart broke so much as I thought and remembered how I had to tell Robert he would die. How he sat next to me so bravely as he heard the news that his transplant had failed and that his cancer was back...he knew what that meant. Not only did we all have to face that Robert was dying, we had to tell him that all had failed-even our prayers.

He did not lose faith. He did not lose heart. He stayed the course to the very end. I have thought much of this over these past months as I have pondered prayer and its place in my life. I have learned to listen. Everything I knew to do, every method I was taught as a disciple of Christ and learned and studied in college-none of them "worked". There was not one prayer that was answered that could keep Robert alive and here with us.

Now, I listen. Now, I know what it is to have faith without sight, hope or even the guarantee of anything...it matters not to me. I do not pray now because I want the answer I seek. I pray because I cannot help but pray. I pray now with the weakest of faiths, the most broken of hearts...I pray now with the knowledge of complete and utter despair and loss. I realized that I may not pray with the eloquence of a preacher, I may not sing with the voice of an angel in worship-yet, when I do it comes from a sincere, broken heart that cannot help but seek out a God whom I am compelled to believe in, trust in, hope in, and worship.

I am not a prayer warrior. I am a skeptic at best. Yet as the second hurricane approached and we watch in fright I listened to the details of everything they were saying and I realized that I still prayed-I realized that I still had faith and it was very real to me.

I am learning to listen much closer now. I am learning to pray in the only way I know how-my way.

Robert's bench is finally in place. It is lovely. It suits him. It means so very much to know that it is there-as final as it is. On the top of the bench is the inscription: "Be not afraid, I go before you always. Come and follow me and I will give you rest."

Thank you for coming by. Peace my friends-all is well.

Kathy

Friday, October 1, 2004 6:45 AM CDT

Good Friday friends. Oh my goodness! Apparently it is October! Shocking, absolutely shocking. We have literally lost a month out of our lives...we are all dazed.

The house is still standing. I daresay, if another hurricane comes our way anytime soon, most of us will just leave and let our houses blow away. I was a bit concerned about the East wall of my house, the wood is very much dry-rotted from being so wet so much recently. As I was boarding up again I noticed how damaged that side of the house is. The window is completely rotted out around the edges, and the one of the entire panels is like paper. I thought for sure the high winds would blow it off; apparently the winds blew around in the other direction so they did not blow it off. In the front of my house I have some smaller Royal Palm Trees. Two of them had their tops snapped off! Most palms just take the beating from the wind and their palm froms get all beaten up and such...these two trees look like someone chopped their tops off-I could not believe it when I saw it. But, that is how it is around here, everywhere there is much to see that you cannot believe.

Jessica and I stayed home for this storm. We lost our power early in the evening the night of the hurricane. We were without power for several days-thank goodness it is back on! It was a bit scary being home during the hurricane. It was not as bad as I thought. I left a peek hole in the front door window to be able to watch the storm as it blew around. WOW! It looks just like it does on TV! I have spent the early mornings working in the yard. My fence is gone so we have to keep the dogs on tie out chains when they want to go outside. My sweet neighbor saved us with an extension cord from her generator to our fridge!!! I think that might have been the single most generous act anyone has done for us-it really helped.

It is so strange this "trying to reason with hurricane season". I did tell my Aunt the other day, "living without power still does not compare with living in a hospital." At least we were at home, and still have a home.

I do still have a job-so far, I think. Our business is really pretty much out of revenue completely. So many have been hurt by all of this. I wonder if Florida should not consider becoming a seasonal only state...like some of those small beach towns you might have visited. We should just shut down when season is not on...actually we do sort of do that. Only during non-season the entire state goes under construction. So, add that to hurricane season and you have complete chaos. Everyone, everywhere you go is in such a daze. People are so grateful to have survived, but you can tell everyone is in a fog. The continued rains have not helped. The lights keep flashing on and off; and for a few days we had curfews...it is really confusing!

I had this thought as I raked up dead rotted leaves yesterday, we don't need a true Fall season, because we have hurricanes to blow all our leaves off! I have decided that Hurricane Season should be added as the 5th official season of change!!! Okay, so maybe we do have an official Hurricane season-it is just this year we actually had to realize it!! I sure hope the North is blessed with a short, mild winter-these darn storms have been messing up everyone!!!

The children go back to school on Monday. Not sure how they will have to make up the time missed-supposedly they will not have any Spring Break and their time for Christmas break is also being cut shorter...should be interesting.

Thank you for continuing to follow along. I told my friend last night, at least this weather and such has kept my mind occupied off my missing Robert. I am hoping the monument company has power so they can finish Robert's monument...soon.

I hope to find my voice again-the level of frustration is high, all around me...normal, it is totally overated!?!

Peace to you all-
Kathy

Thursday, September 23, 2004 8:38 AM CDT

Good day! If you are just checking in, I actually had updated the other day, so if you are up to it, you can read the last journal entry in the history...exciting stuff! Ha!

Well friends to quote one of country music's favorite ladies this morning I have been humming this little tune as I ponder life...

"HERE YOU COME AGAIN...JUST WHEN I WAS ABOUT TO PUT LIFE TOGETHER...!!!" Remember that song by Dolly Parton! That is what is going on around here as we get ready for hurricane JEANNE! We are beginning to perfect the hurricane party-so much for football season and tailgate parties!

I am off to Home Depot to see if they ever got in any of the wing nuts I need to affix my hurricane shutters; they are much easier to use than screws and washers!

Let's just PRAY this lovely lady skirts all along our coast and continues to dance her way around the Atlantic not bothering anyone!!! So, can you believe this Ivan the Horrible and his venue---geez, where is Superman when you need him. Just think the Man of Steel could totally zoom into the center of the hurrican and zap it into the oblivion, or pick it up and carry it off into outer space or something! Man, we could turn this into a movie script or something--I thought of a child's story called, "Ivan the Horrible Hurricane" but that would be an awfully dark child's book!!!

Hang on folks, here we go again! Peace to you all-Kathy

Monday, September 20, 2004 8:36 PM CDT

Good evening. I cannot believe it has been so long since I have come to this page to write. It is so strange how everything seems to be so far off. I cannot imagine how bizarre life must be for those who are just now getting their power back on.

Our home sustained minimal damage. This little wood frame house managed to withstand a real life hurricane...it is still very evident the damage of what occurred here. Our streets are completely littered and a mess from debris; everywhere you look you can see the evidence. It is so strange-people all around are trying to go about life so normally yet, it is so obvious we have all gone through alot-so many have really suffered some serious loss. Now with the devastation of Ivan, it is heart-wrenching. It has left me feeling so very afraid of how it would be if war would ever come to our country. There would certainly not be any aid from FEMA for that.

Everyone around me, all the friends, neighbors, co-workers, and perfect strangers that I interact with in the public are a bit shell-shocked. I know I feel like I am in a fog, and it seems to be the consensus. We are all still shacked up; hardly anyone has removed their shutters-some have not removed one! Our houses remained boarded up because it seems that everyday there is another storm out there waiting to make landfall somewhere.

I must admit, I was terrified of Ivan. I did not unpack the car until Saturday of that week when they were certain we were not in the "cone". I still have not unpacked my suitcase-it remains in the closet. I have managed to chop down and chip away at the yard. It took the biggest beating. Our museum is a shambles. But, we have managed to shift gears and I am still employed, thank the Lord. We have packed, unpacked, moved and compeletely re-decorated our Lighthouse Gift Shop. The museum roof blew off, and flooded the museum; the walls are all mildewed, and the place needs to be re-built. It is unsafe to work in there as the odor is horrendous. Unfortunately, the movers we hired and paid extra to and gave very specific instructions to, managed to break the most valuable of artifacts we had on loan. They squashed the container holding some 9,000 year old pottery! Ouch!

The children are all settled back in school. Life is still full of the usual insanities, you know the IRS, the lawn, the increase in the kids health insurance by 2,000%! Seriously!!!! That is a whole other subject. I am my usual not able to make any decisions self...I stood in the kitchen last night debating whether to make cookies or brownies. I stood right in the middle of the kitchen looking at the bag of chocolate chips and the box of brownies...I kept repeating, "cookies, brownies...cookies, brownies...brownies, cookies...brownies easy-but cookies!" Then I realized I did not have any brown sugar! Cool, decision made for me! I refused to ask the kids their opinion-I knew I could come to my own conclusion!

So, I dumped the brownie mix into the bowl. Low and behold, I began to read the directions...I had one final choice to make. Did I want "fudge-like" brownies, or "cake-like" brownies! I literally laughed out loud, and said "fudge-like, cake-like...cake-like, fudge-like!" I thought how isn't that just like life...just when we think we made a decision, we have to choose again!

I realized in that moment of complete utter insanity that the 2 years I spent making life-altering choices no parent should ever have to make, and is never fully equipped to make for their child-choices like protocols, trial studies, chemotherapy, bone marrow transplants...steroids, diets, consent forms...all of those impossible choices- that had to be made -really took a toll on me.

Part of me looks at the choices that must be made and faced day-to-day seem so minor and unimportant compared to those choices...and they are on many levels not as important as those choices...however complex or simple the choice being made may seem, they are all related to life-and the living of that life.

I could easily choose to ignore so many things because they truly pale in comparison to Robert's ordeal...but to ignore them would mean that I have given up, that I have quit living...

Your prayers and support from all avenues of life have meant a great deal to this family-never forget that. Hurricanes are a very curious beast. They can level one house, while another remains standing with not so much as a leaf out of place. Such is life...is one family spared the torment of tragedy because they are a stronger foundation? Is that why one house is spared the torment of a hurricane...? I have looked around me, I can see that some of the most amazingly strong structures have been leveled; especially in nature...

I suggest the true strength of a structure is not revealed in the damage it avoided during a storm, or even in the remains after total devastation...the true strength is revealed in the ability to rebuild after the storm.

Peace my friends...
Kathy

Thursday, September 16, 2004 8:18 AM CDT

Good day.

Oh where oh where have the Charltons' gone, oh where oh where can they be? Has Frances come and swept them away...oh where oh where can they be?

WE ARE STILL HERE!

Sorry I have not taken the time to update, ramble, inform, make cry, or spread good news to the world! I am certain that anyone who has seen our neighborhood will attest that we are living in a deep fog. It is so hard to get back to normal!

I hope to have time to update this weekend.

Thank you for continuing to follow along, and pray for us. Our little house is still standing.

Peace,
Kathy

Monday, September 6, 2004 8:48 PM CDT

Hello all. We have not headed home just yet. I am hoping to wait until the power is back on.

Reports from back home are pretty much the same stories that many of us have heard before from hurricane survivors. If you have seen a photo on the news where I 95 is missing a huge chunk out of it, that is right next to my neighborhood. Also, those of you who follow us probably realize what cities we live in so you can get an idea of where we all stand in the mess.

It is my understanding that it looks like a war zone; some power has been restored, I have talked with a couple of families that have power. So I am hoping that means ours will be restored soon-we certainly have nothing to complain about. A family in a home nearby lost their entire roof; and the contents of their home are ruined and they have no insurance!

So many stories. I just pray that this next one disappears somewhere into the ocean blue. I heard that the Lighthouse is still standing-no word about the museum. I do not think that my director will be unpacking the museum until this Ivan character is not a threat! We shall see...

As I said, we are hoping to head home tomorrow; it will be very strange I am sure.

Take care, and thank you for staying close.

Peace-Kathy

Sunday, September 5, 2004 3:41 PM CDT

Good day. This will be brief, as I do not know if the power will surge and switch off...

Jess and I are not in West Palm Beach. After a very late night prepping the house and such, and an early morning on Friday-we saw a window to get out and we did. We managed to load some precious valuables, we even brought Prince with us, and headed over to the middle of the state to be with my Aunt and her family and Matthew and Christina. I knew that the two youngest Charltons could not have stood to watch the world being blown away and not be with their Mom...

Our drive over here was creepy. It was just like a scene out of the movie, "Twister". The roads were totally empty and it was so eery. We have been safe and sound. The weather here is pretty bad, though nothing compared to what I have heard from home. My neighbor called my cell phone, not realizing I had left at the last minute. Their house was pretty trashed from a neighbor's roof blowing off. My Mom found a land line and managed to call us. She is fine. She had gone by my house and checked on it and was delighted to report that it was still standing! I guess God really did not want me to think I was another Job! I guess he really does know just how much we can take...she said some trees were down, but that our neighborhood looked very good. We had left Angel the dog with her, and our cats home...they were safe and Mom let them out of the safe room to roam the house.

We are not sure when we will head back. Not today that is for sure. I hope tomorrow; I am anxious to return, but I know going back to what is there will not be fun.

Ivan looms in the distance...I know that Frances has left many devastated. It is going to be tough.

Thank you for all your prayers and concern on our behalf and all of us here in South Florida.

What a family we here at CB have become! Perfect strangers and all that...

Peace my friends...I will be back.
Kathy

Thursday, September 2, 2004 11:26 PM CDT

Good day...

"...weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning...that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks."
Psalm 30:5, 12.

I have loved this verse from the first moment I heard it. I understand this one in a very real way. Thank you for your supportive response to the outpouring of my heart and dilemna. I do not share the insanities of my life to prod any response, but it is a deep sense of encouragement that comes from your heartfelt responses when I do.

Once again life has brought all sorts of nuisances that peck at your soul until you are left feeling weak in the knees; last weeks pecking came in the form of the IRS. Then life continues to ebb and flow and reveals something more awesome and out of our control than we ever imagined and we are left feeling weak in the knees from the fatigue of preparing for battle...in this instance I am referring to the preparations for the largest hurricane this region has ever faced. A force to be reckoned with-even the IRS can't force this one into submission!

So, once again that which really matters in life is brought into focus. As the worst storm of life raged within this family came upone us in the form of cancer-we armed ourselves for battle we are reminded again that all that matters is each other. Human life, not where we live, not how we live, but that we are alive.

Jess and I are here locked in the fortress of our home. Matthew and Christina are safely in the hands of my Aunt. A friend delivered them to the center of the state this evening. I needed to stay home and get the house ready and now they tell us if we have not left, we should stay put. Jessica stayed with me to help, and because we are peas in a pod!

I started preparations last night and at 5:30 this morning. My knight in shining armor showed up this afternoon to do all the work I could not manage...Andy worked for several hours making sure that my house was as safe as it could be. My brother came over to assist for a bit. It was a very hot, beautiful day. The calm before the storm. I am grateful for the help I received. Grateful for the kind neighbor who lent me a saw; a drill, and a willing spirit to help if needed.

I am going to try to get some sleep. Jess is sleeping peacefully next to me. We pray for the many people who will encounter Frances-may our Lord keep them safe.

God bless you, may His peace guard your hearts, and His wisdom fill your minds...

Peace to you, I will be back...
Kathy

Tuesday, August 31, 2004 10:19 PM CDT

Good day. strange how one learns to live life with the constant threat of a storm looming off into the distance. Life has been this way for this family, either literally or figuratively for so long it seems there is no other way.

Mitchel is recovering. All of the tubes have been removed from him, and they are hoping this will keep the fevers he started to develop away. Jeff tells us that they are hoping to send him home this weekend. The children all spoke with their Papaw on Saturday. I could tell it did all of them some good; I could hear Mitchel's deep raspy Southern voice through the phone as he told the children how much Papaw loved them...

Jeff visited St.Jude on Saturday. He called me after his visit. He called to tell me that the hospital had painted over all the children's handprints on the walls of the Transplant floor. You may recall seeing Robert's handprints on the wall; each child painted their handprints on the wall with the date of their discharge below it. All the handprints are gone-painted over...my heart shattered just a bit more. I feel so strangely speechless these days. The weight of the pain in my heart has begun to bog me down so very much.

I took Matthew and Christina by to visit and approve Robert's bench. They loved it. They were very pleased and are looking forward to knowing it will be in place soon. The man who worked on the bench and did all the carvings seemed so touched by their visit. He is a bit anxious I know to get the stone in place, he told me how difficult this has been for him to work on and to see the bench in his work yard. I told him I understood how he felt.

I have been reading a book from a mother's account of the loss of her child. It is a bit strange to read a book that in so many ways is like reading the words of someone who has read your mind. In this book the author refers many times to Job. She refers to the accounts of his suffering and his faith. She points out that Job's suffering was not because he deserved to suffer, but because of his great faith. I must interject here, I in know way think that the suffering and loss of Robert has anything to do with my great faith. I in no way think that because of my great faith in God did He allow Robert's illness and death to prove that I would keep my faith.

I have learned however that within the deep crying out of my soul from the pain of missing my son, I still have faith. I am recognizing that my ability to have hope in certain things has changed. I admit I am more cynical in some ways; I am broken, and feeling beyond overwhelmed and defeated from the loss that life has brought to me. Yet somewhere deep within a broken heart there can still remain a faith in God.

My life is beyond complicated these days. I am battling something I never dreamed I would have to battle with...the IRS. I am almost afraid to even make mention of it publicly because after providing all that has been asked of me, they still are pushing, pulling and digging. I feel like a criminal; and trust me we have done nothing wrong. I cannot explain it-the most awful thing in all of this is that everything they are "examining" is related to the years of Robert's illness; and his related care and the support we received from around the world.

As I gazed up at the moon behind the shadow of a cloud tonight and felt the weight of the world and pain of all that is bearing down, I realized this is life. The circumstances that I am facing has nothing to do with my faith, my love for a Lord that loves me...that faith is buried deep within my soul and I know cannot be touched. However, I do recognize that for some reason the faith that is deep within me, the faith that I have in a God who saves us from our sin, may not save me from the IRS. That faith did not save my Robert from the ravages of cancer-when one is leveled to that point in life it becomes more difficult to expect freedom from the simpler things in life, such as financial hardship. It seemed easier for me to fight for Robert's life than for me to find the energy these days to dispute a check at a restaurant!


"In all of this, Job did not sin by blaming God." Job 1:22. This is definitely one thing I may have in common with Job. It is definitely not God's fault that the IRS is harassing me; it is not His fault that I am struggling financially; it is not His fault that I am sad; it is not His fault that Robert got cancer and died...we live in a world full of awful horrible things. It is and can be overwhelming. I have come to accept that for the rest of my days I will live with a sadness that permeates my every moment...it is not God's fault.

I do still pray. I am trying. Their are 3 people in this world that live within my home that watch my every move. Tonight they saw me cry and cry over the weight being bogged down with worry...I hate to worry. There is a hurricane looming off the coast and I do not want to worry. Yet, the IRS is making me worry-I have no fight left in me to battle this battle. I am praying I will find the where-with-all to do what I need to do to get through this; I have nothing left...not for this.

I have enough to get my children out of bed in the morning, make their breakfast, their lunch, get them ready for school, go to work, feed my children dinner, love on them, check their homework, do the laundry, take out the garbage, mop the floors, answer the phone, pay my mortgage, kiss them goodnight, and enough to remember to breathe!

"Come thou fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise:
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above;
Praise His name-I'm fixed upon it-
Name of God's redeeming love.

Hitherto Thy love hast blest me;
Thou hast brought me to this place;
And I know Thy hand will bring me
Safely home by Thy good grace.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandring from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
B'ot me with his precious blood.

O'to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wand'ring heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it;
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O, take and seal it;
Seal it for Thy courts above." by Robert Robinson

I have rambled again...thank you for reading along. If the storm heads our way I plan to pack up as much of our valuables as I can; load it and the kids and leave. I will clean up the yard, cover the windows, make sure the animals are safe-and hope for the best. Christina is very afraid of the storm. Jessica is really sick with a cold, Matthew tells me not to worry everything will be okay.

"Faith is holding onto uncertainties with passsionate conviction..."

Peace-blessings, Kathy

Friday, August 27, 2004 12:15 AM CDT

Good Friday to you.

Thank you for posting all of your support on behalf of the kids Papaw, Mitchel. He made it through his surgery. He is recovering. The word I received from Jeff last night via his StepMom, was as Janice put it, "he is breathing!" In other words, Mitchel has been moved into a regular room to recover. He is in a tremendous amount of pain. Some of the tumor was wrapped around his esophagus and such. Jeff says they got most of it; according to Jeff's account the tumor is cancerous. I am not sure what type of cancer, I do know that he had surgery to remove some tumors a few months back and it has spread, so obviously something is going on in there.

I should know more tonight. Thank you for your prayers and thoughts on his behalf.

We are looking forward to the weekend that is for sure. Matthew and I talked about how happy we were that it was Friday! I am working tomorrow, but at least will have Sunday off.

Thank you for checking in on us, thank you for reading along. My ramblings and thoughts have been mostly confined to my own mind these days...

Robert's bench is almost ready. I hope it will be finished and in place next week. I need to approve one final touch to his bench. My sweet friend shared with me last night how this time of year, this month is a difficult one for her-a reminder of times past...I heard her loud and clear. These months are so very difficult. Strange how the timing of Robert's monument is coming together at this time of the year...it was after the beginning of the end of his time here.

My friends, especially those who read here that marvel at my "strength", I wish I could report that it is easier almost 2 years removed from Robert's passing...it is not. I miss him more.

Take good care, Peace, Kathy

Wednesday, August 25, 2004 9:09 AM CDT

Hello. Good day to you all.

I wanted to take a few minutes to ask you all to think of the children’s grandfather today. Jeff’s Dad is having surgery today. I was just recently made aware of his continued battle with stomach cancer and cancer of the esophagus.

Robert was named after his Grandfather; Jeff’s Dad is the original Robert MItchel Charlton. Robert loved being his namesake. He adored Mitchel. Mitchel adored Robert. MItchel is a man to be reckoned with…you know the kind. He is larger than life and full of life. I used to get such a kick out of watching him with Robert. Actually watching him with any of the kids is always a pleasure -Mitchel is a giant of a man. He is rugged, rough around the edges and could pretty much single-handedly conquer anyone if needed. However, when he was with “his boy” he would be brought to tears. I would watch this man as he would be content to sit as quiet as a mouse by Robert’s bedside just to hear him breathe. He would stroke Robert’s bald head with a gentle touch. He and Robert would also laugh like fools at the craziest of things. They were kindred spirits those two…

Today MItchel is having surgery. He is having surgery to remove cancer from his stomach and esophagus. He is not well.

The children are very concerned. They have missed being able to see their Papaw Mitchel-they had hoped for a visit with him and Mimi Janice this summer. Jeff will be flying up to see him this weekend.

My heart has been very heavy with thoughts and memories of Robert this week. Upon learning of Mitchel’s continued battle it brought back many wonderful thoughts of times spent with Jeff’s family. You may recall, Jeff’s Dad lives in Mississippi, not far from St. Jude. They helped with the kids a lot that summer. Mitchel and Janice have always been very kind, generous and supportive to this family. I may not be married into Jeff’s family any longer, but I love them just the same.

As I type I suppose Mitchel’s future hangs in the balance. I may be selfish, but I would like my children to be able to have their Papaw with them for many years to come. I know that all of his grandkids would agree, we are selfish, we would like to be able to keep all of our family here as long as we can…

MItchel, Janice, August and all the family-you may never even read these words, but I want you to know that many are praying for you, Robert is watching over you, and most importantly our Heavenly Father is in control.

May His grace abound in your lives this day and in the days to come…Peace, Kathy

Friday, August 20, 2004 9:04 AM CDT

Good Friday. It took me 3 days to find the lyrics to the song below…"I Will Rest in You" by Jaci Velasquez

Lord, I'm in the dark,
Seems to me the line is dead when I come calling.
No one there, the sky is falling;

Lord, I need to know.
My mind is playing games again,
You're right where You have always been.

Take me back to You,
The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me.
Oh, I want to be
In the place that I once knew as a little child,
Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.

I will rest in You,
I will rest in You,
I will rest in You.

Tell me I'm a fool,
Tell me that You love me for the fool I am,
[And*] comfort me like only You can,
And tell me there's a place
Where I can feel Your breath
Like sweet caresses on my face again.

Take me back to You,
The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me.
Oh, I want to be
In the place that I once knew as a little child,
Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.

I will rest in You,
I will rest in You,
I will rest in You.

Take me back to You.
The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me
Oh, I want to be
In the place that I once knew as a little child,
Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.

I will rest in You.

This week as I listened to this lovely song I found myself remembering a time in my past. I recalled a woman I befriended some years ago. I was introduced to her through another friend. I am not even sure how or why she thought we should be introduced. I cannot even remember the woman’s name anymore. What I do remember is our unique friendship that we briefly shared. This woman was not from our country. She was from Mexico. She spoke little or no English. She was mother to 3 lovely little girls. She came to our country with her husband so that he could work. Her husband had gone onto North Carolina with some other workers to make some money and never returned. He was murdered while there. When I met the woman her husband had been dead almost a year. She was young and her girls were young as well. I would drive her and her girls to my church at the time and introduced them to the Food Closet and ministry there that made gave out food to “needy” families. Our children would play. She and I would visit as best we could. I speak a little Spanish and we managed to communicate somehow. The reason this song reminded me of her was because she loved a song by Jaci Velasquez that she sang in Spanish about Heaven.

Looking back I realize I learned a great deal from this gentle-spirited woman. She was humble, gentle in nature and would have fought like a tiger for her children if she had to. They lived in a small trailer. I would drop them and off and worry so much for their safety. Her oldest daughter was a teenager and she spoke some English, I could see a fighter in her eyes. I remember wanting so much to help this family anyway that I could; we as a family lived on very little during this time ourselves.. It is strange how she came to my mind the other morning as I listened to this song.

I am not sure if I have ever met someone who was truly at the lowest point that one could humanly possibly be at as when I met her. It scared me what she faced being in a foreign country, not speaking the language, knowing her husband was dead. She had little or no means of being able to work, she had no transportation. What she did have was a gentility and kindness that was completely unarming and contagious. Any time she was at our home with her girls she was always attentive and wanted to help me in anyway she could to return my sharing with her. It touched my heart. I certainly did not expect anything in return from this woman. But I saw in her a pride that egged her on to want to give back anything to show her thanks for the kindness she was receiving.

One day she brought me jalepenos. It was her gift. She used to clean the kitchen and wipe the entire sink and counter until it shined. She made me pillowcases out of some fabric I had bought for the boy’s room.

Years later I cannot remember her name, but I still see her smiling face, and her spirit still touches my heart even now. In reflection I recognize that this young mother of 3 must have understood the Bible verse that speaks of resting in God. As I listened to this song I felt her spirit as I listened to the words, “constantly the eyes of God watched over me, I will rest in you…” I realized she understood this mystery that exists within a heart of faith. She may have cried herself to sleep every night, but she still had faith.

So many of us are worn out. Many of us are in the midst of battles that have no end in sight-I keep thinking of the scores of people whose lives are lying in heaps of rubble even as we speak. I am grateful that in my memory I have the memory of a brief friendship with a woman who was at the end of her rope, had tied a knot and was holding on.

I will rest in you, I will rest in you…all the while, moving forward-somehow.

The children are doing great. They are very happy with school, we are making record time in the mornings getting out the door, I cannot believe this is my family getting ready so fast and not running late everyday! I am very much looking forward to this weekend. I have miles of bushes to trim-and bushels of grass to attempt to weed whack. I think it is too high for a mower! Thank goodness the single mother of 2 next door to me mowed the front yard for me this week! Last week, Mimi Bunny paid her son to mow the front-what a pleasant surprise!

Check out the new photo I added. It is one of some of the gals from O2 peds at St. Mary’s-each of us Moms in the photo have son’s with cancer…aren’t we beautiful!

Peace to you this day and always,
Kathy

Tuesday, August 17, 2004 9:39 AM CDT

Good day. I hope. At least I am planning on it…yesterday, well, for lack of a better word, sucked! I thought Friday the 13th with a hurricane looming off into the distance was strange, well yesterday took the cake. Let’s just say that the players of yesterday included, the IRS, a Congressman, an attorney, many creditors, emails from families still fighting cancer, car dealership sales managers (oh joy) and last but not least, family arguments! Yuck! I must admit these players still pale in comparison to hospital administrators who hold the key to your child’s well-being in their hands!

That is where I kept centering myself as yesterday and all the crazy days of life have unfolded this past year. I remember all too well that things can always get worse, I know this all too well. I have been to the absolute bottom of hell and back-I still dwell there at times-losing a child takes a huge chunk of your being. Watching a child suffer with cancer and die is akin to being tortured by having your heart torn out with a spoon- except if that were the case there would be some relief when you died! So, now in life and the chaos and utter insanity that it brings, the center has become survival. NOTHING compares to the pain in the loss of Robert. So no matter what I do know that things can always get worse-I do have other 3 healthy children after all. I do still have my own life.

I know I sound grim. That is not my intent. For me there is actually a “silver lining” I find peace in knowing that all the awful things that are going on in my life and the lives around me it can always get worse. I think even Job believed that.

Yesterday a “friend” came in crying. I asked her if she was okay, and if I could do anything for her…she said her cat died. She was heartbroken. I felt so bad for her. She was in the midst of suffering a loss that really hurt her heart. Loss is a leveling agent-any kind of loss. I do not dare compare losses with anyone. My loss is the greatest of losses I hope to ever know in this lifetime-but other losses to other people are their greatest losses in their life.

My final thought I have been wanting to share and one that keeps swirling about in my mind is this…”there is no ‘memento’ which we can hold in our hands that can compare to the memories we can hold in our hearts and minds.” When you lose someone you love to death you become desperate to hold any memento from them that you can. I know this desperation-it can be all consuming. I had this thought as I was contemplating my financial situation which is seemingly requiring me to give up my car. I know a silly car. This vehicle represents so many memories for me and the children…we won’t go there. My point you ask…as I drove over the bridge to the beloved beach of Robert I cried and cried. My mind filled with memories of him fishing, frolicking and laughing in the surf. I tried to promise myself that I would not spend the entire time crying missing him so much…I promised that I would make memories with the here and now. It is strange how I realized in my humanness I cherish certain things because of the value they have due to the memory attached. The real treasure lies within my heart, not in the object.

The most precious of “mementos” I can hold are those that I remember in my heart. They are fluid and free; I can bring them to life at any moment and in any place. My car and all its memories may be out of my sight when it is gone-but no one can touch that which I cherish in my heart. Maybe that is why I Lord asks to dwell within our hearts and minds-He knows no one can take that away. (I know even our minds can go with time and circumstance, but for now we are blessed with clarity, are we not?)

My heart aches and it is strange to think that the very beach that was a haven for Robert and our family may be wiped out from the hurricane-it is strange and I am grateful I came to terms with that place when I did. My heart aches as those folks who have lost all their “mementos” in this life to this storm-I pray they will find a way to be grateful they are alive-loss is devastating. Some lives were taken away during that storm…time never reveals when it is leaving us.

I walked into my house late yesterday. As I walked in the door spent from the exhaustion of the emotional roller coaster of the day, I heard a lovely sound…”Hi Mommy!” It was sweet Christina; her melodic voice soothed my soul. Jessica took one look at me and hugged me and kissed my face…for me, nothing else mattered-I am blessed to be the mother to 3 healthy, living children-all is well.

Peace, Kathy

**Thank you for all the concern for our family living on the west coast. Their home was inland and north just enough to skirt disaster-as far as I know everything is fine with them.

Friday, August 13, 2004 1:35 PM CDT

Good Friday-it is so much like a Friday the 13th around here! This storm that is bearing down on the west coast of Florida is keeping us all on our toes...my family over there is preparing for the worst and hoping for the best.

I spent quite a bit of time this morning writing a long, very thought provoking journal page. It got jinxed right into cyberspace! I figure if the universe wanted you all to have my pearls of wisdom this morning my computer would not have shut off right as I was proof reading it!

I will attempt to put my thoughts to a page later this evening...

For the record, the children have all started school. They are happy and excited about it all so far.

Our trip to the beach was wonderful and very special. A perfect way to end the summer. Now we are all holding our breath hoping that our summer wonderland does not get destroyed.

Be safe, be at peace-thanks for checking in.

Kathy

Monday, August 2, 2004 9:07 PM CDT

Good day. I trust this finds anyone who reads here well in spirit and at peace with life.

The children are at the beach. There were no messages on the answering machine when I came home, and no calls for me at work all day from them...also, no phone calls tonight-I am taking this as a good sign...I am sure they are having a good time! I plan to join them Wednesday. I am happy to report, though I miss my little darlings, I have managed to clean the house, and not be miserable in the peace and quiet of my empty home. I watched the funniest movie tonight. It reminded me alot of my life at times...those of you who have watched will enjoy trying to figure out which parts remind me of my own life. It is called, "Something's Gotta Give." The main character is an author; I found myself cracking up as she wrote like a madwoman...that definitely reminded me of myself. I could totally relate to her as she feverishly typed out her thoughts and feelings as she sobbed along! Who knows, maybe the more insane antics of my life will make a great screenplay.

I decided to dedicate this week to thinking more of others than myself. Okay, maybe as a Mom I "seem" to do that all the time. However, I am also very good at doing for others, and seemingly thinking not of myself, while all the time dwelling in my heart and mind on the sadness, loss, missing pieces and things that seem to be "wrong" in my life. I think we as Mom's and wives and women in general are geniuses at this. I am not insinuating that the things we are doing for others is disengenuous, however, we know exactly how and what to do to "appear" to be doing for others...especially as a Mom. So many times in life we must do for others whether we want to or not...sometimes in my own personal experience, I am doing for others but totally preoccupied with myself. It takes a keen eye, a very close friend to spot a woman who is very good at masking what is really going on in her mind and heart...usually it is another woman! A special friend told me how sad she could tell I was when she read my page while she was away. Sometimes I bury that sadness so deep that I alone am preoccupied with it-if I let it out and let go of it, then I am truly free to do for others and love more freely and genuinely.

I am looking forward to plopping my rear on the sand at the beach. I plan to watch the kids frolick in the surf, laugh with them and enjoy my family. I plan not to dwell on my shortcomings, my mistakes, my inadequacies or my lack of discipline! What a concept.

I received an email from a reader today. She sounded so distraught and lost...the sadness in her words weighed heavy on my heart. I also emailed with another friend who just suffered a very tragic loss...her sadness too weighed very heavily, and rightfully so. Finally, I shared time with another friend...she too was feeling the weight of her life pressing in on her. As I thought of these 3 women and their circumstances and pain-each suffering from loss, I thought of the lyrics that I am writing below. This song has touched my heart on countless occasions. It is by Michael W. Smith, it is called, "Never Been Unloved".

I have been unfaithful
I have been unworthy
I have been unrighteous
And I have been unmerciful

I have been unreachable
I have been unteachable
I have been unwilling
And I have been undesirable

And sometimes I have unwise
I've been undone by what I'm unsure of
But because of You
And all that You went through
I know that I have never been unloved

I have been unbroken
I have been unmended
I have been uneasy
And I've been unapproachable

I've been unemotional
I've been unexceptional
I've been undecided
And I have been unqualified

Unaware
I have been unfair
I've been unfit for blessings from above
But even I can see
The sacrifice You made for me
To show that I have never been unloved

It's because of You
And all that You went through
I know that I have never been unloved


So, for all of you who have felt less than lovable, forgiveable, tolerable, and alone-please remember, YOU ARE NEVER UNLOVED. I have felt and been very "unaware" countless times in my life, I am grateful that I know the grace of God reminds me that I am never unloved.

Be at peace this day-remember to smile alot, laugh alot and love all the time.

Peace, Kathy

Friday, July 30, 2004 1:18 PM CDT

Good Friday to you. It appears that my daily writings have become weekly, I do not know exactly how this happened-it frustrates me a bit-my mind races constantly with words that search for a place on a page...I must be satisfied with Fridays for now. It is rather appropriate I suppose. Many of you recall my woeful stateof mind on many a Friday...that is gone. The melancholy that used to wash over me as the sun would begin to set and flag the start of a weekend no longers looms over me. Melancholy now comes in tides with no correlation to days or nights-I guess that is more normal. I call it melancholy, it is the sorrow that is within my heart...it leaves me feeling pensive, sad and deep in thought and memories-I guess that is melancholy. It may be more of a nostalgic feeling. That word nostalgia always resonated a bit of a sad tone to me...

Wow, it's August. I am stunned. Apparently time does not realize that I am stuck somewhere in it-apparently it has no intention of slowing down and letting me catch up. The children go back to school on the 11th. I am looking forward to it for one reason only - the morning ritual. This summer every morning when I am shuffling about, the children have been sleeping-leaving me with only the dogs. I prefer the children's company in the morning. Their chatter, sleepy faces-I love getting their breakfast, hollering at them to get ready...as it has been this summer, I have hardly seen the little rascals. Jessica and I have spent most of our time together...she is there when I come home and stays up late with me at night. I am sure that Jessica has not missed one moment with her brother and sister as she is in charge of them during the days-them and all the friends they bring along to raid the fridge! She has done a great job, and I appreciate it tremendously.

Below are the lyrics to a song that I have come across and relate to a great deal...it is by the artist Sara McLachlan. I love her music, her and Michael W. Smith seem to sum up life for me the best these days...I listen to his music when I walk/run alone; and I listen to her music when I drive. Those are the times that I do most of my thinking.
"Fallen"
"Heaven Bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I tried my best
But somewhere long the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
But the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so

We all begin out with good intent
When love is raw and young
We believe that we can change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I've held so dear

Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so

Heaven bend to take my hand..." Sometimes I realize that as heaven bent to take my hand and lead me through the fire, the fire I was being led through was the fire of sorrow. I think so much of how I try each and every day to find a balance between allowing my heart to become so calloused against the pain that I co-exist with, and still wanting to let myself love again...it is a fine line a mother walks after losing a child. Actually my life is more representative of someone standing on a fence-deciding which side to jump in on and live in.

There are days I literally feel I am teetering and want to make no choice as to which side I want to live on...sometimes I just want to stay on the fence. I have chosen to live and love on the side that I call "life". My children and family and loved ones represent life to me. I have chosen them...yet, so many times I fight to keep from allowing my skin that feels so calloused to become soft and pliable.

All of life's trials seem so very pointless at times. It is so strange to live knowing that you have lost that which you hold as the most valued of gifts life can offer-the life of a child. I find myself getting frustrated with the normal activities and normal burdens that everyday living brings with it...yet, within my frustration is this calloused, almost uncaring voice that wells up and fills with tears that does not care because nothing compares to how much I miss Robert...it is struggle. It is a balance, a fine line, a choice...

I have come to realize that this is my lot in life. I cannot change that which has happened. I can only change my response to it. I want to embrace all that life still has in store for me. My 3 remaining children do not bring about any of the feelings that the normal frustrations of life do for me...what I mean is, I never tire of them, their crazy antics and their love. I cherish every moment with them (even if they do not know it...). I want to learn to cherish other moments; appreciate life's challenges again as someone who is not so tainted as I...

The other day as I ran along I began to understand how it is that someone like Lance Armstrong can ride as he does-the determination of the human spirit can be unstoppable. There are times I wish I could just keep running...I want to run a marathon, I want to beat something in this life...I have come to realize that sorrow and the loss of a child cannot be beaten down-cannot be out run.

So, I must stay and fight. I must fight against allowing the callous that I feel growing from the inside out of my heart be softened by the hug of my child. I must allow myself to embrace life and its challenges and not give in to the tough exterior that is beckoning me to bear...that is what I hope for-to continue to be able to move forward-embrace life and all of its challenges.

I'll sweat it out if I must-even if its means learning to run a little faster, harder and longer...Robert never gave up-Jessica, Christina and Matthew are certainly not quitters-I must stay in the game. The scariest part is this, so much of what we carry within our hearts that callouses our souls no one ever sees, no one ever even knows the burdens that weigh us down, do they? It is up to us to recognize our need to allow the callous to grow to protect ourselves-to become a barrier for us to hide behind.

No one knows if the warm smile, hug we give, or words we say are sincere...no one but ourselves. Yes, I do believe our Lord sees our hearts and He knows...He loves us anyway-truth is, most people would love us anyways...

My heart feels warmer and less calloused just talking about it. Thank you for listening...

Have a terrific weekend. Peace to you and yours.
Kathy

Friday, July 23, 2004 9:39 AM CDT

Good Friday to you...so much for my planning on getting to the page last weekend with an update!

All is well here.

I must admit, I did not mow my lawn this week! As one of you faithful readers alluded to in the guestbook, a "lawn service" mowed my lawn yesterday. Don't get too excited, I could no more afford a lawn service, than I could afford to buy a lawnmower-unless it was a garage sale lawnmower, so if you hear of any, let me know...there is of course one stipulation, it needs to be sensitive to a woman's touch! That might be the exact reason a man would ever sell a lawnmower, he found out a woman could start it! So, keep your eyes peeled, look for a "sissy" lawnmower! It should be on clearance, any smart man knows to get a woman to buy something she does not need,it MUST be on clearance! Hey there is a thought, I think stores like Home Depot and Lowe's have stuff that goes on clearance...you know outdated, last season, "sissy" stuff like mowers that a woman would like. Do you think they come in different colors for me to choose from? I know beggars can't be choosers. That is why when Jeff and his guys came and mowed my lawn yesterday I was just thrilled to have it done...I did not even ask them to trim! So when I thanked Jeff and he mentioned that they could barely mow the backyard because it was so high and thick and they had to leave the piles of mulched grass around that I did not even care! Thank you is all I said...now all I have left to do is trim all the miles of hedges! So, there you have it, a temporary, mercy mowing is all that went on at my house, don't get too excited! ;)

I do want to share with you that story I promised long ago...remember? It is a story of hope, love, support, and encouragement...As many of you have read and probably wondered about this past year has not only been a tremendous emotional struggle, but a tremendous financial struggle as well. When Robert died we were fortunate enough to have small life insurance policy that paid for his services and such. It did not leave us any funds for his marker. I struggled with this a great deal last year-a great deal. I struggled silently. Most of the people who love and support us did not even realizing that I was struggling so much with the issue and finances of trying to have a marker in place for Robert...time passed, pain and sorrow remained. My heart was very burdened about the fact that I as Robert's mother had not been able to find a way to place a marker on his grave. I struggled with what to put on the marker, what kind of marker...than with how to pay for it.

Time would pass and I would realize we were coming up on the one year mark of his passing...many of you remember my job situation last fall. I chose to "ignore" the issue. I had no choice. My family had generously offered to help in any way they could...yet, the bulk of the situation fell in my lap. My lap and plate were so full and so many things seemed so much more important. My focus and what little finances I had was totally on the living...Jessica, Christina, Matthew-and me. More time passed. Than as the Lord saw fit, my sweet friend Maria passed as well. Remember her...she left us in December of last year. She had requested that she be laid to rest as close to Robert as possible. It was during the burial part of her funeral that the fact that Robert's grave bore no marker became painfully obvious to so many that knew both of our families.

Maria's funeral was attended by many of the staff from Robert's school-MeadowPark Elementary. I am certain that many of you remember their amazing generosity and support for Robert and our family during his battle. As they attended Maria's burial and saw no marker on Robert's grave their hearts broke a little more. Brave Miss Tammy came to me the following week. I say brave becasue she is a woman who knows no boundaries and has great courage when her heart strings are pulled-she goes to battle all the time for her "kids" at school. She inquired as to why there was no marker at Robert's grave-point blank she asked was it financial. I swallowed a giant lump down my throat as I began to answer her question. The giant lump I swallowed was one full of a mother's pride and love-I wanted her help, but would never have asked for it...my heart was so full and confused and empty all at the same time I could barely allow myself to think of Robert's grave...she forced me to think of it.

Miss Tammy decided to raise whatever monies she could to help Robert one last time.

I remember my sweetest friend knowing of my plight and empty space at Robert's grave encouraging me to share my story...she herself had set her mind to help me get this last project finished...I had decided I could not "ask" for another contribution on behalf of our family. Robert was gone, we were out of the battle. My pride told me to find a way to handle things as the brave mother I found out I was when I learned to fight for Robert's life. I wanted to protect the privacy of my family as much as possible...I could not share this with the world, I could not ask for help again...my pride, I realized, was a non-issue. I had to gladly let it go...

Miss Tammy asked friends, sold cookies, and hosted a bake sale at school. Another dear friend of the family at the school who sells plants, donated all the sales from the night of the school Talent Show to Robert's marker...he raised $400. Once again I was humbled and blessed at the outpouring of kindness. Believe me as I stood behind the table of baked goods that Robert's photo adorned and people asked "who is that boy?" "how did he die?" and commented "oh how sad..." my heart shattered into more pieces. It was not easy standing there facing a crowd of people who had no clue about my son who once "ruled" that tiny school...but, even as my heart broke I felt love and support and renewed friendships all over again. I saw a light at the end of a dark tunnel...I was able to envision and realize a beautiful monument for my son-a monument that would make a community of friends proud once again.

Robert was always a child that seemed to be able to bring people together. He once again taught his mother something new, he in a way forced me to become a little more brave, a little less prideful.

So as I said to Miss Tammy, "this is the last project we will have to do for Robert..." This has not been easy for me. The folks at the monument place are becoming like friends. They have been more than wonderful and have wanted to know more about Robert and his story. They too could feel the sense of pride and love that illuminates from this story when Miss Tammy brought over the money to pay the bill...

Robert's monument will be installed very soon. It is more than I could have imagined, and will be a beautiful tribute to him. The story itself speaks volumes, I wanted the monument to be simple, and beautiful. I wanted it to be something that would withstand the test of time and elements-I wanted it to be something that would be a testament to a child who fought hard for the right to live, love and laugh...

"When you love someone, you'll do anything...you'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain...you'll shoot the moon, put out the sun...when you love someone...You'll deny the truth, believe a lie, there'll be times that you believe that you can really fly...but your lonely nights have just begun when you love someone...

When you love someone, you feel it deep inside, and nothing else can ever change your mind. When you want someone, when you need someone, when you love someone...when you love someone you sacrifice, give it everything you got and you don't think twice...you risk it all, no matter what may come- You'll shoot the moon, put out the sun-when you love someone"

That was my song to Robert...I would have put out the sun if I had to for the privelege of loving him...

Thank you for loving me, thank you for loving my children...thank you for loving life.

Thank you Miss Tammy, Miss Lupe, Mr. H, Mr. McMahon...thank to MeadowPark Elementary, thank you friends...Price's, D'uva's, Howard's, Martinez's, Poole's...and so many others!


God bless you, Peace...Kathy

Friday, July 16, 2004 9:57 AM CDT

Good Friday.

I wanted to take a few minutes to stop here and at least post a Happy Weekend message to all that read here. This week has been very busy with work, camp and kids! It has been a great week. I was especially happy and blessed as I drove to work yesterday with the kids tagging along. We spent the day together at Camp which involved being at the beach and learning about Florida history. I felt so blessed to know that I had a job that provided me such diversity and flexibility. I very much appreciate the fact that this jobs is a good fit for not only me, but my entire family. My Mom is a bit stunned that I am working at the beach-I deserted my beach-going many years ago to avoid the sun and sunburn...I guess I have truly gone back to my roots.

I was able to get my laptop computer fixed, thank goodness for warranties! I am hoping to be able to spend more time writing now that I have that convenience at my fingertips.

Have a blessed weekend. Thank you for checking in on us.
Peace, Kathy

Friday, July 9, 2004 12:35 AM CDT

Happy Friday! I suppose I should give up or rather resign myself to admitting that I have absolutely no control over time-it is flying by. Jessica loudly exclaimed the other day, “no, don’t say summer is almost over-it can’t be over!!” I agree. It amuses me mildly how I lamented over the upcoming days of summer and worried a bit about the children and how they would be occupied. It has worked out very nice for all of us.

This morning as I drove to work with Matthew and Jessica dozing I realized that I was on my way to work and my kids were coming with me. I thought what a blessing I knew it was when that man fired me last fall. As awful as that felt, I knew that was not the place for me. I had this vision of me sitting in that cold high rise office building watching the paint peel and making coffee for clients and my boss. I thought of how much of a bore that job would have become and how it would have barely encouraged me, challenged me or inspired to get out of bed in the morning! That is not the case here. Every day is a little different.

These past weeks we have been running our summer camp. It is a History Camp. I am the coordinator for it-and next week I will be one of the counselors as well-one of the other female adult volunteers will not be here for the last week of camp. Jessica has been a counselor this week, and I have been more than impressed with her ability to get out of bed and deal with 18+ kids all day long. Matthew has been lurking. Last week he loved camp, this week he could take it or leave it. He sliced his foot on a sharp rock the other day so he has been limited with the exploring activities. Christina has had a fever all week long, very strange. She has no other symptoms just a low grade temp. So, she has spent lots of time with her Mimi Bunny.

Last night as I walked with my friend I shared with her a bit more about Robert. I have been thinking about him non-stop since July 4th. The children had all gone off in various directions with friends and I found myself in the quiet of the house folding laundry. I could not for the life of me recall what I did last July 4th, I suppose I could read the journal from last year…but, I recalled with great clarity the 4th of July spent at St. Jude. Robert had the day “off” from radiation. (Remember his transplant was given to him on the 10th of July.) Last night as I walked I shared with my friend some of the events surrounding that time in Robert’s life. I was recalling how strong and how Robert had hit wits about him so much. He was not tired and lethargic. I remembered how the doctors and nurses kept wanting to give him morphine for his mouth sores and such, and how he kept refusing. They would simply shake their head and say okay, you tell us if you need it. Then on their way out of his room they would tell Jeff and I “that kid is as strong as a horse, or he is just stubborn…” Robert was so strong-I recall the determination that child had all during his treatment. He knew there was no second chance and he was very methodical, yes stubborn at times, but he knew what he had to do to live-he focused very hard on doing everything that was expected of him. Sometimes he would do just enough to get by, especially when it came to his physical therapy.

So, these days and I can feel that for the next few months somewhere in my mind will be these memories that are burned there forever will be in the forefront. As my sweet friend noted to me last night, I am a bit desperate to keep these memories sharp because they are my last of Robert. She said, “Man it must be so tough mentally to want to keep those things so precise in your mind.” I said, “Yes, it is tough, but for me it is a challenge to keep my mind sharp and to never forget any of those moments.” We talked earlier in the week about the time at Robert’s viewing. She commented on how “together” I appeared. She remembered how Jeff and I were giving comfort to everyone and how we were smiling and greeting everyone. I told her I felt it was what I had to do at the time. I now reflect and wonder how it was that I did not just curl up in a ball in the corner of the room where Robert’s body laid in that funeral home and never leave that spot…I have often wondered and been a bit mystified at the apparent clarity of mind and strength I had during those days.

At first when Robert left, it was so clear where he went, how he chose to leave and go heavenward. I was with him all the way to the end. I recall now how I had this overwhelming sense of peace as I realized the life had left his body-Robert was gone in the flesh to me in those moments…at the time something in me knew I had to find a way to survive and give hope and peace to all those who believed in the “Boy Wonder”-none of us ever thought Robert would die. So, that is how it was at his viewing. So many devastated, shocked-scared, scared to look upon Robert’s family, scared to see devastation come to life-devastation so real…Something in me wanted to comfort everyone, I found comfort in doing that. I found no comfort in food, alcohol, any sort of drug…only in comforting others did I find comfort.

I shared with my friend how grateful I am now looking back that I was given the grace to have such clarity of thought and strength. I am forever grateful that I can recall and remember and be thankful for those that came to support, love and cry with our family. The memories may sting and pierce my heart, yet, with them they do bring a joy that is an elixir to my soul now.

Two years ago Robert believed he would be alive today. Two years ago he endured a very cruel form of torture and made his body become submissive to a poison that would ultimately be the only hope for life for his young body…we all know that submission, that pain, the tenacity with which he fought his cancer would not grant him his heart’s desire…we all know he is gone.

Heaven took him back. Two years later we are living, laughing, and loving each other. To God be the glory, great things He has done.

Thank you for checking in on us. Peace to you.
Kathy

Friday, July 2, 2004 12:29 AM CDT

Good Friday to you! Happy 4th of July!

Well, your overwhelming response to my lawnmower incident got me all a flutter! Actually, you gave me hope, that there might actually be a lawnmower that operates when the operator is female. I now have a new mission in life-either getting MY lawnmower fixed to work properly, or saving my pennies, did I hear someone say Christmas, and getting a new one. I know, I could tell my older brother that I need a lawnmower-he always has a soft spot for making sure you have the right tool for the right job. Needless to say, I went back for more.

I was attempting to catch up with my walking partner last night and it became apparent that we somehow missed each other. Our "paths" did not cross, so to speak. Anyway, as I rounded the corner where we were going to meet up and she was no where in sight-I looked up the street and saw Jeff dropping Christina off at the house. I tried to hurry along realizing that he could start the mower and I could mow the front lawn. Imagine if you will, me hurrying sort of running along with my weights in my hand trying to catch my ex-husband before he backs out of the driveway-nice mental picture, eh? As I got closer to home, I began calling Christina who had gotten out of the truck-she did not hear me, and Jeff began to back out of the drive! "Oh crud!" I thought, not only did I miss my walk, my only hope of getting the lawnmower started was leaving as well. So, I did what any resourceful woman in the year 2004 would do...I took out my cell phone from my pocket and called him! Jeff inquired, "is that you running up the street?" I said, "YES!, would you please come back and start the mower for me?!" He turned around...

So the story goes, it took him several yanks and pulls but it started. Jeff noted how the engine chugged and did not sound too good. I attempted to tie the bar as was recommended by one of you devoted readers, I grabbed a towel-apparently the dog ate my garden gloves-so the blisters that were attempting to heal did not blister up again as I pushed the mower. Afterall, how many times can I tell people, "no, those are not cigarette burns, they are blisters!" Anyway, Jeff pulled out of the drive and I mowed the front lawn! YEAH! I only saw one person I knew as I shoved the mower along...the kids' Guidance Counselor at school and her husband walk in our neighborhood, she has known me for years so I am certain she knows I am certifiable already!

The kids are thrilled they get to keep cable for another month. I will still have to "sweet talk" the son who mows his aging mother's lawn next door to edge for me every once in a while...but other than that, the lawn is good to go for another millenium. Did I read that Tammy mows her lawn every Friday? Geez, she must have some cool new mower! Happy Anniversary! I wonder what anniversary I can celebrate to merit a new mower? ;)

Jess made it home. Purple streaks adorn her hair-a memoir from her trip to NY with her Mimi Bunny. Those two had a great trip together. Matthew has enjoyed his week at the Summer History Camp. Spending this week in and around the water and doing all sorts of cool things has really gotten him thinking of Robert and missing him a whole bunch! Christina is just loving her time off this summer doing her girlie things. Me, well, I am looking forward to having 2 days off in a row! No big plans...we are not sure what we will do on the 4th, I think a nap is on the horizon for that day.

Be safe, enjoy your families...stay away from lawn equipment, it's a holiday remember?

Thank you for stopping by...Peace, Kathy

Tuesday, June 29, 2004 12:45 AM CDT

Good day. It seems that somehow we have managed to make it through another month. I am certain that this does not surprise the masses, however, from my vantage point, there are days, rather moments that I find myself wondering about getting through anything.

This morning as I pulled away from the airport where I dropped Jessica and my Mom off at 5:30 a.m., I realized once again just how far we have come. I pray I do not forget this as I battle to keep in balance and stay sane. It never ceases to amaze me how the “little things” in life can be the ones that become so difficult and downright huge obstacles to keeping the peace.

Take for instance Sunday evening. Last weekend was a good one. The children had spent it with their Dad, I had spent time with a friend and visiting his family. We had a lovely time…that in itself contains a story I want to share with you. As we sat around Saturday night waiting for dinner to finish cooking, I was getting to know a couple that is very close to my friend’s family. Anyhow, they were all talking and chatting and such-they started reminiscing about a baby named Robert. You know the sort of conversation that reflects on “remember how Robert used to love drinking his bottles…how he used to sit in the bed and how cute he was…” and so on… I inquired, “Who is Robert, how old is he now?” It perplexed me a bit for they all talked about this boy in the past tense-I needed some clarification to keep up with the conversation…Well, the sweet woman sitting next to me knew nothing about me, and simply replied – “Robert, oh he died!” I said, “Excuse me?” She went on to say, “he drowned when he fell in a pool.” I simply stated, “oh my, I had a Robert-he died as well.” He was my son. He was 11 when he died. It seemed that the Robert she spoke of died over 17 yrs. ago in a drowning accident.

As I drove home that evening, I pondered this conversation again in my mind. I shared with my friend what are the chances that I would meet someone who would be talking about a child they cared for named Robert, another Robert who had died…I then commented, well, at least they are still talking about him 17 yrs. later. This woman was not his mother, she was not biologically linked to this child at all-she simply loved and adored him. He had brought such joy to her that even 17 yrs after he has left this place, he could bring a smile to her face. I found comfort in the thought that someone would be talking about Robert long after he had died.

I worked at the Lighthouse Sunday. It was hot, and a bit busy. I headed home and had set my sights on the lawn. I was determined to get my backyard mowed-it was 3 feet high in spots! It looked like a junk yard! Jeff had brought over a mower the week before, and told me it worked and left plenty of gas in the gas can. So, I headed out back. There it stood, my new pal, I realized it looked a bit rugged, but I had high hopes for my lawnmower. I held that little bar thingy, primed the engine, checked the gas, than I pulled that rope thingy that is attached to turn over the engine. No such luck! So, here I was, the climber of tall lighthouses, the queen of cleaning up dog pee, the mover of laundry mountains, little ole ME, and I could not even get this lousy lawnmower to think about cranking up! I was getting as steamed as the air I was breathing. I called Jess out back. I ordered her to hold the bar thingy and the mower steady while I pulled that rope with both hands and all my might---AAAAAGGGGHHHH! To no avail, I was not happy, clearly this lousy lawnmower was only going to respond to a male’s touch- so I kicked the sucker! Lucky for Matthew he is too little to have enough male in him to be forced into lawn work as of yet.

I wandered out front to scan the area for an unassuming man out mowing his lawn that would take pity on me and start MY lawnmower-not a man in sight. Apparently all of us charming women have run them off out of the neighborhood. I called our neighbor around the corner. After I explained my dilemma and told him my conspiracy theory about the Lawnmower’s Association and the revenge that men around the country were taking out on women, and after he finished laughing, he said he would be right over. He came armed with tools, and was ready to do battle with the machine. Well, after a few good heave-hoes he managed to get the mower started. I asked him if I let go of the bar would the mower stop. He said, “Yep.” So, I better mow the lawn in one go round. And I did just that, I did not stop, and I have the blisters to prove it. I also have the scrapes on my legs, the bug bites from the ants, and the bruises on my hand from pushing MY lawnmower through the mile high grass-notice how the lawn grew in this story, sort of like a fish story, it is a male conspiracy- someone notify the authorities! Anyway, I banged on the back door, got the kids to come out and unlock the gate so I could head out to the front-all the while not letting go of the bar even though my blisters had burst! As soon as I got out to the front, the sucker turned off! I kicked it again, and again! I parked that sucker-I have made an executive decision, I am canceling cable and getting a lawn MAN! Believe me, I am going to feed and water him good when he is here-and he won’t miss a weed! Needless to say, I think the kids are hoping I go back to piles of laundry instead of piles of grass-I am woman hear me roar!

Monday night as I stood in my kitchen baking a cake for a friend’s birthday, I found myself pondering the weekend’s events. Matthew sat playing his favorite video game, Jess was in the other room writing a letter to a friend, Christina was in the living room with a CD playing singing her heart out…it was divine. I smiled to myself as I surveyed the home and family that lived there…I was divinely happy-the dogs could not even have nudged be from this place of peace. As I smiled I realized that Robert was as near as he could have been-I told Robert, “I know that you see what is missing here, I know you know about the gaping hole in our family-but here we are son, we are laughing, loving, and living…”

So, as I left Jess and my Mom at the airport this morning, I pondered the events of the past couple of days. I concluded that no matter what, how, where or when, Robert will always be gone-we will always be somewhat empty-I will always long for my child to be here with me and with his family…I pondered this and knew that there was still joy.

I knew that even a lousy lawnmower could not defeat this Mom!

I trust you are well, I trust that no matter what you will not let life defeat you-Peace, Kathy

Friday, June 25, 2004 5:51 AM CDT

Good Friday to you. It is definitely summer! Hot, hotter and hottest! Thank goodness for a.c. Last week I became grateful for the reality of gravity, now I share with you all my gratitude for good old fashioned air conditioning! That would make my Dad so proud-knowing how much I love a.c! I am a true Floridian, what can I say...

The kids finished their last week at basketball camp-this camp was at Palm Beach Atlantic University, my alma mater, and the place where Jeff was a volunteer assistant basketball coach for 7 yrs...they had a blast. Apparently, Matthew is a real natural with basketball. I wonder if he will be a real natural at any sport, as Robert was...he and Robert are very different little boys-I am a bit surprised that he too is such an athlete. Christina can hold her own, don't get me wrong, she too is very athletic...anyway, it was very wonderful that the kids had the opportunity to go the camps these past 2 weeks-the Camp Director gave Jeff a deal for the registration due to coach loyalty and such-we are very grateful for that, otherwise, the kids would have missed a great couple of weeks. Don't worry Lyle, when Matt makes it to the NBA we won't let him forget his days at "Sailfish Basketball Camp!"

I have been busy with work. The Historic Society where I work has a camp as well. The organization of it falls under my job description, "Program Coordinator." It is called "History Camp". The kids spend time at our 3 sites, the Museum, the Lighthouse, and in the DuBois Pioneer Home. They learn alot about the history of the area, make crafts, swim, kayak, do archery...and the last session of camp gets a bonus, ME! I get to be a camp counselor for a couple of days because of staffing and such...how exciting! Did I hear someone say, "Wear lots of sunscreen!" During the summer months I am working over at the Lighthouse every Wednesday. I have also been working some Saturdays and Sundays to make up for the missing volunteers that go north for the summer.

This last Wednesday things were really hopping at the Lighthouse. We were so busy. I climbed the Light with 4 different tour groups, and then at the end of the day we had a wedding there. I was the official photographer for the ceremony! It was quite an experience for me to be up at the top of a lighthouse snapping photographs of a couple as they began their new journey together as husband and wife. It was beautiful. I was honored. It amazed me how in that hour of time the 6 people that were gathered for that wedding, strangers to me, became friends to me by the end of it all. By the time the ceremony was over and the family left our site, I felt I had been part of something special. I guess it was the day...the hour...seeing those amazing moments in 2 poeple's lives, and being a part of the family that was there to watch. I did not even realize that I was leaning over the railing of a lighthouse that stood 180 ft. tall as I snapped photos. They told me I should charge for my services the photos were so great! Now there is an idea...

As I drove away to head home for the night all sweaty and sunburned I realized, I just went to a wedding-a new beginning of life. I thanked God that I was able to be there, and grateful that I have a job that brings me around weddings and moments like this. I was so glad that it was not a funeral...but a wedding.

I woke up last Sunday morning thinking about the phrase..."I Love You." I laid there for a few moments before facing the day and thought about those words. I thought about how they change so much in life as the relationships that we share them in change. I thought of how we say, "I love you..." and "I love you in spite of..." and then I realized that "I love you" can have these words attached as well..."BUT". "I love you, BUT..."

I have thought of this phrase many times this past week. As I watched the 2 people I saw marry on Wednesday I realized that for them, at that moment and the moments before their ceremony, their I love yous did not have a "but" at the end of it...I have decided that it in life when the "but" that is attached to the end of an "I love you" out weighs the love, it can ruin the love...

With my children it is always the same...simply, "I love you!"(no matter what). I have come to admit that there are definitely moments that my I love you has become attached with "in spite of..." I realize that I do love my children in spite of the fact that they can be living breathing hurricanes that destroy the house! I have also had to admit that very recently my "I love you" has become attached to a "but..." "I love you, but..." But you do this and that...The "but" at the end of the phrase for me shows the amount of strain that is being put on the relationship. We all know that relationships change and many times can become very strained...

It is when the "BUT" at the end of the "I love you" becomes so heavy and so intense and so involved...that it creates too much strain and outweighs the love at the beginning...I daresay that is when we choose to end the relationship. I have learned that the storms and strains of life ebb and flow-they pass into our lives and pass out of them. With my children the 'but' that gets attached to the end of 'I loveyou' will never outweigh the love...as adults with our relationships with friends, spouses and even family it is not always the case...those relationships often do not survive the weight of the 'but'.

I have gladly realized once again that our Lord's love toward us is never outweighed with the "BUT" at the end of the sentence...He never says, "I love you, but you have hurt me...you have made me unhappy..." that sort of thing. Our Lord simply tells us, "I love you, have always loved you, and will always love you..." End of story.

I am working on focusing on the "love" part of my life, not the "but" part of my life...I want the love in my life to always outweigh anything it must support when strained by life's circumstance-it must or what will remain...bitterness is not an option.

Thank you for stopping here. Thank you for following along. Thank you that you have said, "I love reading your page..." even when there may have been a but attached because of my inconsistency, or something I may have said or not said...Thank you for being brave enough to love and live-Good Friday to you.

Peace, Kathy

Friday, June 18, 2004 6:13 AM CDT

Good morning, Good Friday. This past week was definitely a blur, I was at the store last night and a woman at the check-out was noting that she kept thinking it was Friday all day, I told her, so did I! I am glad for the weekend. I also do not have to work on Monday, because I have been needing to work Saturdays...so it will be nice to have 3 days off. I think the bulldozer is coming out this weekend again.

As I drove down the highway and was gazing out at the most amazing of rainbows, I decided to thank God for something I never thought I would be thanking Him for...gravity! I was so caught up gazing heavenward at this rainbow as it changed form and got brighter and more illuminated, that I realized in that moment if I could, I would have just floated heavenward and not returned...

As all of you know who have read here and followed along, I adore life, I adore MY life. I have realized many things lately as I reflect about Robert being gone...I realize that whenever the weight of the world bears down on me and brings me to tears, the tears become about how much I miss Robert. It is definitely true that nothing compares to that feeling of longing for someone, for missing my child. I have realized that the underlying current of almost everything in my life overflows with thoughts of my son.

So, last night as I drove along and was remembering Robert I thanked God for gravity-it keeps me here. If we lived in a world that we had the ability to float away at random and at will-I know when I miss my son and think of heaven above I would simply want to float away there...it is a new sensation for me. I have always been a star-gazer, a sunset watcher, a lover of rainy days...I have long made it a point to reflect heavenward and think of the majesty that surrounds us. But now, I can get so caught up in it. I cannot begin to explain the reality of how now I MUST believe and long for heaven. It puts a mother in such a quandry-who am I longing for to see in heaven...I am certain the Lord understands. He understood having a child in pain...

I spent alot of time thinking of Robert last night as I drove along. It was 2 years ago that we took him to St. Jude. Our "last hope" and best hope to have his cancer cured...I thought last night of the reality that I was so blessed to be as close to heaven as I was with Robert. As a mother I feel that we receive our children from heaven-their spirits come to us straight from our Lord's presence...and in Robert's case, it is the closest I will ever be to heaven without dying myself. In the moments before he left this world for heaven, I felt as though heaven was reaching down in his room that morning...I thought of the stories of people who have "died" and come back, and how they all say they felt safe, and peaceful. That morning as heaven was so near for Robert, that is what I felt, safe and at peace. I felt blessed with those thoughts last night as I drove along remembering my son...

I ask myself what kind of life is it that a mother must spend the rest of her days contemplating the loss of a child. It is this kind of life...it is my life. I remembered the fight for Robert's life, I remember my pure tenacity and the courage I felt believing that his cancer could be conquered. Robert's cancer could only be conquered with true heavenly intervention-it required him to go there...

A dear friend asked me a few weeks back, "Do you ever ask 'WHY'?" Simply asked, simply answered. My reply without barely even hesitating was "No, I ask, 'WHY NOT?'." My questions usually come in the form of why not's than WHY? The bottom line for me is and always will be, "why not Robert?" It will remain unanswered all the days of my life, I must accept this. Last night I did find myself pondering the "whys?" I asked myself, "why did I ever leave him, even for a shower?" "why didn't I get to know that he would die so that I could cherish more moments while he was alive?" "why didn't I take him to the beach to fish one last time..." "why did I ever turn down a hug because I was busy..."

"Why do we not live our lives in such a way that it was our last day with those we love..." Those are my "whys". It is very, very difficult to live this life as we must, while cherishing those we love and taking in as much of them as we are given. Our living gets in the way of really living.

I wonder-it is Friday, a good Friday at that, I wonder if today instead of asking "why?" maybe it will become "WHY NOT?" I know, life...well, live it-but do not let it come to pass that you find yourself longing for that which is lost to you-


Peace to you, Kathy


Footnote: I must mention that apparently we have 2 basketball stars in the family-Matthew and Christina had an amazing time at b-ball camp this week- they have the opportunity to go again next week and they will be back! Apparently my two youngest lefties "got some skills!" Brains, skills, good-looks...that could only mean that they are Charlton Children!! :)

I MUST ADMIT, I AM ASHAMED OF MYSELF...HOW COULD I FORGET-HAPPY FATHER'S DAY! What would our world be without all the amazing Dad's out there keeping us in line! Please know, you Dads, that all of your hard work, devotion and loyalty to your families does not go unnoticed! God bless you, and keep up the good work! ;)

Monday, June 14, 2004 1:36 PM CDT

Good Monday morning! Well, I see that no one answered my initial question that I posted on Friday with regards to watching the services for President Reagan…I am fortunate to say that I did manage to watch the services that were held at his library in California that evening. Listening to his children speak about him was very touching to my soul. Watching as they lingered at his casket was even more touching…you know how I feel about lingering-always linger if you have the opportunity, that which is done cannot be undone…so linger a while, take as much in as you can-the sunset was beautiful and the portrait of a man’s life and loves was painted very lovingly I thought that evening.

Last night as we drove home together, the children and I, Christina asked “Mom, do you remember when you brought Robert home that last time, when he had that bed, and the nurses were there and he was in his new room?” “Yes, I remember it…” I replied. She went on to inquire, “Did Robert speak to anyone those last days he was at home?” She asked, “Did he speak to me?” Jessica chimed in to say, “Christina, Robert talked to you…don’t you remember?” I told Christina that Robert spoke a little that last week, and that he was awake a lot and tried to talk all week long. I reminded them that his throat was very sore and he had no voice and could only whisper. Jessica pointed out, “Mom, he only spoke to you…” Christina wanted to know, when was the last time Robert spoke? I said “well, that last night before he went to sleep for the last time, Robert spoke to me and to Dad.” Matthew pointed out, “yeah, then he went to sleep and we came in the room and his hand was lying out and his mouth was open and he had stopped breathing.”

A deep silence fell in the car. I think we were all speechless. The image of that exact moment when the children came into Robert’s room swept over me, swept over all of us…Christina began to cry softly in the backseat…none of us could speak. I could feel the pain, the anger, the dismay in the car as we drove along. I was speechless, I longed for the right words to say…all I could think of was the song verses…”Just a day, just an ordinary day…just trying to get by…Just a boy, just an ordinary boy but he was looking to the sky…”

Truly in those moments as we pulled into the drive and headed into the house, just the 4 of us, I could have fallen into that gaping whole in the middle of our family left by the absence of our sweet Robert-it could have swallowed us all up it seemed so big at that moment…somehow, that gaping whole left by loss did not swallow us up. We made it through another night, and the dawn of a new day awaited us this morning…

“Just a day, just a day, just an ordinary day, just trying to get by…just a boy, just a boy, just an ordinary boy…”

Thank you for checking in on us, this day-this ordinary Monday, thank you checking in any day…

Peace to you,
Kathy

Friday, June 11, 2004 1:07 PM CDT

Good Friday. I wonder how many of you have been able to follow along with the ceremonies for the late President Reagan this day...I have been at work and have not been able to follow along.

Some very interesting words came to me via email this morning from a "friend". A woman I know is a very good public speaker and does alot of work with counseling and discipling, she sends out a newsletter of sorts. The words that the Lord brings to her always do a good job leaving an impression on me. Today's words did not disappoint.

She spoke about discouragement. "We need to guard against "Mr. D's" access to our heart. We must not be casual about discouragement. A discouraged Christian is so vulnerable. Some of the most foolish choices made by God's kids have been during a time of discouragement. The enemy of God's kids knows that discouragement is a most effective strategy to undermine a Christians confidence in God."(Jackie Kendall) As I read her words I realized how many times this past year (everyDAY) I have battled discouragement. When I am discouraged it is painfully obvious to anyone around me. I wear my emotions on my face, so to speak. I become silent and deep in thought at times when I am discouraged, this is not always true, sometimes my silence is simply because I am thinking of Robert...those thoughts almost always make my lips silent.

Discouragement in many ways shows a lack of confidence. A lack of confidence in self, circumstance, and ultimately our Lord. I have found that when I allow myself to wallow in my discouragement I feel depressed and helpless. I have also found that for me, my discouraged state is indeed directly correlated with my relationship to God. Oswald Chambers wrote, "Faith is unbreakable confidence in the character of God." It seems that when I am discouraged, lacking confidence, I am ultimately lacking confidence in the character of God.

I must admit, losing a child to cancer as I have, I have felt the "right" to have a lack of confidence in anything or anyone...that sort of loss has discouraging written all over it.

That simply cannot be so...at the end of the day, the bottom line, must and shall always remain-that my faith is evident of the confidence that I ultimately have in my Lord. The other day in church the visiting Bishop spoke about love. He spoke about how God loved us long before we ever had a notion that He did...He spoke about how God loves us now-thorns and all, as we are...He spoke about how God will ALWAYS love us, no matter what.

If my Lord can show the kind of confidence in me that I feel He does, especially considering He sent me four children to be a mother too, than I hope that I live my life in such a way that shows evidence of faith in His character, and not evidence of discouragement with my character and circumstances.

Life is not easy. We all know that. I struggle daily with feelings of insecurity, financial woes, discouragement, sadness...I spend moments every single day of my life longing for Robert-I spend moments longing for many things that never were, and never shall be...I hold fast to the knowledge that no matter what living a life full of faith in God is the most peaceful, abundant, truly blessed life that a human being can live.

On a more "normal" down-to-earth note...the kids have had a great week going to a basketball camp hosted by their Dad. Jessica did not attend, but Matthew and Christina and their "cousin/big brother" Kyle have had alot of fun...So far, we have survived summer-not too many phone calls from home with anyone crying, fighting and other such insanities!

Have a lovely weekend...thank you for stopping by.

Peace to you and yours...Kathy

Friday, June 4, 2004 10:32 AM CDT

Good Friday to you! That is if anyone is still out there...I have become a bit unreliable with my writing. I do apologize for that. So many of you are so faithful to come here and check in on us...keep the faith, the wheels of my mind are still constantly filling with ramblings, musings and thoughts that I hope to find a consistent time to write them down!

You can look on the photo page for some new photos! They are GIANT, sorry-my computer at home is not very cooperative with the uploading of photos for me...I am still learning how to use my camera Mom gave me for Christmas. So, I bring my photos and upload them on my computer at work-and I do not want to spend too much time fiddling with them while at work...so...they are GIANT!

Somewhere, somehow, I am not exactly sure when, but LIFE has taken over my life. Last night I was remembering this time last year...remembering how I dreade Fridays-remembering that unbelievable pit in my stomach that I learned to live with...the constant sharp pain in my right temple that reminded of the emptiness in my gut. I was remembering this time last year when I could barely close my eyes to sleep afraid to miss something, or someone...and then when sleep did manage to take over, being so startled when I awoke realizing that none of it was a dream-Robert was gone. I miss him terribly-you know that.

It is strange how I look back on the time I spent with Robert and with the children with such envy...it was as if Life had given me a moratorium on living. The bills were still coming in and had to be paid, but somehow, I did not care at all-Life almost seemed to stand still and respect me somehow as I muddled through...maybe, not maybe, truly I chose to ignore it. All that mattered to me was focusing on getting Robert better and our family being whole again. Life with its realities have lifted its moratorium with respect to me and the responsibilies it brings...and that is okay.

It is strange to look back and remember the sorrow and the long days and even longer nights...it is strange to be living with the "normal" realities of life. The world and realities of cancer have left us for now-I pray that it is NOT simply a moratorium, but truly and exodus-that world of "normal" had all the same realities, but the vantage point was very different. Today I will do anything within my power to keep the roof over mine and the children's heads-then, I did not care-we could have lived in a shoe as long as Robert was getting what he needed medically to be rid of his cancer...

I am learning the art of living with my fiercely independent, proud nature, as well as letting those around me in my life love me and accept me...it is fine line. I had become a sort of intense mother tiger protecting her young when Robert became ill. I think my protective nature is even more fierce...

Love the moment you are in now-love the time you have now. As my sweet friend said to me last night, "what is done, can never be undone..."

Thank you for remembering us, All is well.

Peace, Kathy

Friday, May 28, 2004 11:48 AM CDT

Hello there...Remember me? or shall I say, "us"? Of course you remember the "us", but the "me" who used to come here and put all of my ramblings, wonderings, and adventures on this page-well, that "me" has gone missing I daresay!

Whew! What a week! Is it me, or is everything getting more and more blurry as life whizzes by at warp speed? NO need to tell you all how busy life can be, this I am certain. Today is the last day of school here in our neck of the woods-it is a bit of a sad day in our house. School has once again become a refuge, and a source of consistency that my children thrive on. Jessica has not missed a day since our drive home from the wedding-and that was not of her choosing, I simply could not muster the skills to get all the kids back in the car to get her there! Christina is fondly referred to by our family as the "Queen" of her school. Matthew, he simply lied in my bed this morning all quiet and pensive...I inquired, "Matthew what is wrong?" He said, "I am depressed it is the last day of school! How long is summer?"

So, I made my last trip of driving to the three schools. All week long every time I made the turn to drop Jess at school my heart has been so heavy and my eyes a bit misty. This last week of her being at her school has brought about many melancholy feelings for me. Robert was to have been a student at her school. The drive to her school is same drive I used to take with Robert to the doctor's office...and had Robert lived, the drive I would still be making with him next year as he would be in 8th grade. Her leaving there is really closing a chapter in our life-more finality...I have never written about one trip imparticular of taking Jessica to school after we brought Robert home.

Robert had a very early appointment at the doctor's office. Jessica was a bit late for school that day...so, Robert and I were going to drop her off. He had gotten to the point where he was in constant intense pain, very irritable, and his bladder was uncontrollable. It was not until the very last week of Robert's life did he agree to wear an adult "diaper" to keep from having to get up CONSTANTLY to pee...Anyway, we were en route. By the time we got off the highway Robert was beyond upset needing to go to the bathroom. He was also in tremendous pain in his back...He was begging and pleading with me to pull over so that he could relieve himself. We had to stop in an empty parking lot next to some bushes-he climbed out whincing the entire time...we managed to get Jess to school which was at the end of the road. She did not even want me to walk her in, and I believe if I remember correctly, she rushed right into her counselor's office and broke down...

It is bittersweet to know I will not be driving that little narrow road to that school anymore...it has been a uniquely special place for our family...I think you all know how special our home elementary school has been to our family, and now Jessica's school has a unique etched out spot in my mind and heart...

I have been reflecting alot about loss. All the losses we face in life. Some seem so much more obvious and horrific to the world than others...loss is loss-some bring about a more obvious darkness, a more obvious vastness of emptiness than others...but, in all of our losses, we must find a way to choose to survive. I read the beginning of a book where the father received word that his son had died in a far off place...I thought of how blessed I felt to be with Robert as the very breath in him left him forever...I remember how I knew the moment he was gone that I had to get up and find a way to live again-I knew it would devastate many that he had gone...I knew in the last moments of Robert's life that I was being transformed somehow...and I wanted to be transformed. Actually, for me, my transformation began when Robert was diagnosed, I did not ever expect to have his illness come to the end it did, and that my transformation would include such a loss...

Diagnosis alone brings a tremendous loss. Divorce brings tremendous loss. Unemployment, financial hardship brings pain from loss...if you live, you will suffer loss-if you love you will suffer loss...the loss of love, loss of innocence, loss of life, loss of trust...all losses that can send us into a darkness that we can get lost in, or if we allow it, a transformation that makes us see how we are blessed, see the grace, and hence live with gratefulness for the life we do have...

It is summer, the sun I see is shining...I have not forgotten the pictures I promised, but I did forget and leave my camera at home today! Hopefully tonight I will be able to post them...I also have not forgotten my story I owe you...

Have a lovely day, all is well.
Peace, Kathy

Monday, May 24, 2004 10:57 AM CDT

Good day. I am still a bit dazed from the weekend-is it really Monday? What a busy weekend indeed.

Somehow we managed to get Jessica all put together for her 8th grade dance, or her Prom as we fondly began calling it last week. I really enjoyed spending all the time I did with her and the kids running around town getting all that she needed for her big night. I laughed because I think it was Tuesday when she informed me that everyone wanted to go bowling after the dance, and then come back to our house for a sleepover! I gladly agreed. I told Jess that I wanted to speak with each parent that had a child that I would be driving around in the middle of the night and that would be sleeping over.

Saturday finally arrived, and all the plans were made...I am not sure why I cleaned the house before a slumber party, but I felt it necessary-did not want to scare the parents picking up their girls on Sunday morning after all! (They don't need to know about our little problem with Prince!) Anyway, so Saturday afternoon we started getting Jessica ready for the dance. The plan was for her and one of her best friends to be driven by Jeff to the dance. He would be at the house at 6:00 pm to see the girls, take pictures and all that fun stuff.

So...it was about 5 o'clock...my bathroom counter is covered with make-up compacts, there are two sets of hot curlers heating up, two curling irons...and two teenage girls getting ready for their big dance. You with me? Have I set the stage, oh I'm sorry, I forgot to mention that Matthew, Christina and a friend are running around the house like indians with the dogs barking and acting like maniacs as well...right then, my Mom comes walking in-she probably knew she would be walking into complete chaose-Mom comes in, next thing you know there is a knock at the door and in walks a neighborhood family that had moved away 2 yrs ago! So, now we have all the original chaos, plus a Mimi Bunny snapping photos, plus a husband sitting on the living room couch, a wife/mom sitting on my bed talking to us; and three more kids running around like indians and dogs barking like maniacs! It was insane...suddenly, Christina comes running in from out in the yard to announce that Prince is having a bad seizure! Jess and I looked at each other and rolled our eyes...Leah continued to put on her make-up; I continued to hot roller hair...Mom was sent out back to help poor Prince. She said the kids were all standing around looking at the dog as he laid there in such a state...it was at this point that Jeff and Barbara arrived to pick up the girls! AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!

Needless to say, I had a terrible throbbing headache and would have been very tempted to consume some sort of alcoholic beverage at this point! So........we managed to get the girls ready, Mom took Matt and Christina, the neighbors sort of picked up on the chaos that was surrounding them and left...the girls headed out to the car. Leah climbed in the back...as Jessica got ready to climb into the backseat of the truck, she sort of paused and looked back at me...well at that moment in time, she froze in my mind...forever will the image of her standing there looking back at me be in my mind.

For that moment as my 14 yr. old very beautiful, very grown-up daughter got ready to leave with her Dad, all the chaos, all the running around and spending of money that I do not have-all the planning and stuff that we did to help make her feel special-all of it in that moment came together for me-she was so happy.

The kids all had a great time at the dance. We, Andy and I, picked them up afterward to take them bowling and then out for shakes. The remaining 6 girls came back to our house for a sleepover. It was alot of fun. I was so blessed to be able to be and feel included in this for Jessica. It was so wonderful to see all the kids having such a great time at their dance-still young enough to not have to worry about all the things that go with high school prom night...

Matthew and Christina spent the night with Mimi Bunny. I actually managed to get to sleep by 2:30 am. The girls were all gone by early afternoon; and the house was not in too bad of shape! Matthew, Christina, two of their friends and myself went bowling yesterday afternoon with a local foundation that still includes us in their group functions. The kids had alot of fun, I really enjoyed being able to see some of the families that I have not seen in some time that we knew while at St. Mary's.

All in all, all is well. I have not forgotten about the story I promised...it is on its way. Thank you for checking in on us. So, I owe you a picture from the Talent Show, and now the dance...no problem!

Peace, Kathy

Wednesday, May 19, 2004 10:27 AM CDT

Good day.

I was awaken many times last night. It seems that not sleeping through the night is contagious in our house this week. Matthew, Christina, the cat, the dogs, and even the birds are up all night long. I am up most of the night because these guys wake me up! The kids are up because they both are having bad dreams. The cat is up because of the birds being awake and the birds are awake because they have a nest full of baby birds right outside our front window! The dogs, well they get up because they hear me up! At least Angel knows how to stay quiet and goes right back to sleep!

Being awake so much last night brought many thoughts of Robert to my mind. Normally when I think of Robert it is not as vivid as it was last night. I allowed myself a momentary indulgence, and as I did I realized why it is that I do not indulge in certain memories of him-I miss him tremendously. Last night I allowed myself to go to him in my mind's eye-to imagine a visit with him. I could see his smile, hear his voice, hear him laugh...he was right there with me. For a moment it was lovely, than I remembered how much I really do miss him.

Lately, Robert has been on the minds of many of us around here. There is a lovely story I must share with you all when I have the time to give it a voice...a story of love, dedication, friendship, and community. A story of respect, pride and humility. Yes, it is a story within this story of our life that you are so devoted to. I promise to breathe life into this story, very soon...

Matthew is growing up to be alot like his brother was at his age. That is very fascinating to watch, especially since Robert and Matthew were so very different. Matthew's voice and some of his expressions are so much like Robert's were...Christina, she is the new family clown! Her ability to entertain and annoy all at the same time definitely rival that of Robert's abilities! Jessica, she is so much her own person. I have loved watching her grow in so many ways this past year...

These three, so used to being four, are forging a wonderful sibling relationship that warms my heart tremendously. They have really begun to "gel". Our family was so disjointed for so long-it is amazing to see us coming together and re-defining who we are to each other and what our roles are within our new familia structure.

Thank you for stopping over...Peace to you in your world.
Kathy

Monday, May 17, 2004 12:42 AM CDT

Hello friends...another week behind us, another in front of us-Wow! School will be ending in a couple of weeks-should be another blur of a summer. Funny, I have to remind myself of this time last year, that all seems so long ago...I remember how I wanted to badly to not start working until the children started back to school. I felt so strongly about being as available as much as possible until we made it to the one year mark of Robert's passing. It was a costly choice, financially speaking of course, but emotionally it was definitely the best choice.

The Talent Show at school was terrific! We all had a wonderful time. The cafeteria was packed full of families and the show was terrific. Christina did a wonderful job! I have pictures to put on the page, I just have not had access to the computer. I was so pleased that my Mom and Jeff's Mom were able to join us for the show. Andy was able to join us too. Jessica was out of town with school. Jeff was also out of town on his honeymoon. We managed to have a great time with all the crowd that was there that is for sure!

I am hoping to get the computer at home back on track so that can spend some time really putting words on this page...as you can imagine I have much to say as usual...I just need to be able to find the time to get it all out! That is something I am working very hard on these days...saying that which is in my mind and heart in a timely fashion as to be able to better communicate with my children and others in my life...good communication goes along way within a loving relationship!

Have a lovely day, thank you for checking in on us...come back again for more photos, more ramblings and more of everything!

Peace, Kathy

Wednesday, May 12, 2004 9:49 AM CDT

Good day. I cannot believe how fast this week seems to be breezing by...actually, truth be told, until I saw the date on the top of the page I was thinking it was Thursday! Yet, I know it cannot be Thursday, Thursday is a big day at our house this week...Jessica has to be at school at the early hour of 6:30 am! While Christina has her Talent Show at school to perform in that evening!

Jess is going on a class day trip to Blizzard Beach in Orlando-that should be fun. I was so relieved when she reminded me that I paid for the trip ages ago, of course she will need spending money for food and such...It should be fun dragging Matthew and Christina out of bed so early to get Jessica to school on time. Her school is about 20 minutes of highway driving from our house. I drive Jessica to school every morning on my way North. Hey, I wonder if Mimi Bunny will be up that early? Matthew and Christina are such good troopers with all the tagging along they must do with me as I drive Jessica and pick her up from places. They rarely complain.

Mother's Day was very special for me this year. Matthew and Christina were too cute and too sweet with me all day. It was very quiet and lovely at home all weekend. I enjoyed doing nothing, and whatever we wanted to do. I managed to do some cleaning that I have been wanting to get to and Christina helped me with the floors on Sunday afternoon. I sat on the couch for a time and watched her dancing around the house as we listened to a favorite cd, it is one I burned and called "Robert's Tunes". It is a compilation of many of his favorite songs. Jessica called me from New York right before the children and I were headed out the door to meet Mom for lunch. It was so wonderful to hear from her and to be remembered by her on Mother's Day.

The children and I were so excited to pick her up from the airport. I had baked a family favorite for Mother's Day and decided we should wait and have it with Jessica when she came home...the family favorite was chocolate cake with white icing. It was I daresay, the best cake I ever made! Jessica was starving as usual-she was very happy to have cake to come home too!

Life is moving along for us. Yesterday while at work, the museum got a call regarding one of its former employees/volunteers. A woman in her early 50's that had worked there had apparently died in her home on Saturday. She was home alone and found dead by her family. She suffered with complications from certain illnesses and such. As I listened about this woman and the words that were shared amongst friends here that knew her, one of the comments made really stuck in my mind. It was said, "there were times when she was happy..." As I heard these words not spoken out with any sort of malice, I thought of this woman I never knew. I realized that she must have been someone who life wore down tremendously and was not ever very "happy". My heart hurt for her. I wondered if family found her on Mother's Day. I thoght of how it seemed she was alone alot in her life...but mostly I thought that this woman must have been someone who did not seem to be enjoying her life to those around her...

How sad to be remembered and known for that...I am not trying to speak ill of a woman I did not know in this life at all, it is just that this is our only life, and isn't it sad that so many of us choose to live it with a sad, heavy, bitter and less than joyful heart. It is a choice, and each of us has every right to live as we see fit...

I pray that as life continues to unfold before me I would choose to be someone who chooses to see the blessings, be filled with the joy, and share the love that is being bestowed upon me...

Peace to you in your place-all is well here. Kathy

Saturday, May 8, 2004 10:01 PM CDT

Good day. Happy Mother's Day to all those amazing Moms out there!

Christina said to me tonight as we headed into church, "this is your first Mother's Day without Robert..." I replied, "no, it is actually my second, but it feels like my first one without him..." I was a bit numb last year at this time...what I was feeling is a distant memory.

I want to simply share some wonderful thoughts about Mother's Day I came across tonight. Some are quotes of other people; some are thoughts from my children from the last Mother's Day all four of them were here with me.

"Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible." Author Unknown

"The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness." Honore De Balzac

I Love you, Mommy, because..."of who you are and you buy me really cute clothes." Jessica

I Love you, Mommy, because..."you love me." Christina

"A Mother's arms are made of tenderness, and children sleep soundly there." Victor Hugo

Being a good Mommy is..."making me laugh, cooking for me and treating me like a friend." Robert

I'm glad you're my Mommy because..."otherwise I'd have Dad's lips!" Jessica "if I had any other Mom, it wouldn't be the same..." Robert

"The Mother's heart is the child's classroom." Henry Ward Beecher

"A Mother is she who can take the place of all others but whose place no one else can take." Cardinal Mermillod

"In our home was a Mama who made miracles.
She did things in the kitchen no one fully understood.
She made money stretch somehow, with prayer and perserverance.
Our lives were filled with love...and we knew that it was good.
Thank you Mama, for the love you give,
the faith you share,
and the miracles you perform to make life so good for your family."
- written in a card from Christina to me... words that remind me of my own Mother...

Finally, for me, some very special words from Robert in the last Mother's Day card he made for me...the card was very colorful with a heart on the front with a smiling face and a winking eye...inside the card he drew a rainbow with clouds and the sun, and this is what he wrote:

"ONE DAY WHEN I WAS DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER MY MOM WAS THERE FOR ME. WHEN I WAS SCARED SHE WAS THERE, MOST OF ALL WHEN I MISS HER I SEE HER IN MY HEART..."

I do hope he still sees me in his heart now that he is home in glory...because I miss him and STILL see him in my heart.

Happy Mother's Day MOM!

Happy Mother's Day Donna!

Peace to you...Kathy
"

Friday, May 7, 2004 8:29 AM CDT

Good Friday. We are well here in South Florida, at least from my perspective, or rather if I am speaking for the Charlton family.

Don't you love when the phone rings in the middle of the night? At least when it rang at midnight last night I had not really gotten into a deep sleep-Matthew and Christina have been sneaking into Mom's room-bed hogs they are! Anyway, it was Jessica calling home at midnight. She was so sweet to apologize for calling so late-sorry to wake me. I told her no problem, I was just glad to hear from her. She says they are having a great time. They are busy, busy, busy-of course that is a good thing. She told me they changed rooms around because her original room was awful; so they switched rooms and now she is rooming with all of her best friends, and their favorite teacher from school! I think that is totally cool. I told her that her brother and sister were really missing her-but we were very glad she was having a great time.

Thank you for your wonderful response to what a cool opportunity this is for Jess. Your support of this family and all of it's idiosyncrasies is a wonderful blessing!

Matthew brought home a Mother's Day note he wrote for me at school. It was titled: "When I Think My Mom is Pretty..." (nice topic for a first grader!) They were told to write down 2 times when they thought there Mom looked pretty. Matthew said he wanted to write down 5! (Gotta love that boy!) Anyway, here they are, in his order: "1) She is pretty when she sweeps the floor. 2) She is pretty when she mops the floor. 3) She is pretty when she vacuums. 4) My Mom is pretty when she is getting ready for a date! (this is a new one) and finally, 5) My Mom is pretty when she is just standing there!" Well now-
Christi, is Shae still waiting for this very sweet boy, I am sure he would love a California girl! This little note really touched my heart. Matthew was very proud to give it to me...Christina had made me a beautiful paper flower bouquet. I still have one she made me from last year...when we visited Robert's grave yesterday, I asked her if she wanted to put her flowers on our friend Maria's grave...she did.

My thoughts this day are with all the Mothers who will be missing their children this year...all the Mothers fighting for their children's lives this year...my heart and compassion and love goes out to all the Mothers that have touched my life-friends, aunts, teachers, Mimis...thank you all for being the first teachers, first kisses, first hugs, for all the firsts in our children's lives that a Mom is there for...and especially for those who have now realized that they were right there for all the lasts...

God bless you all-Happy Mother's Day!

Peace to you-God bless you. Kathy

Wednesday, May 5, 2004 2:04 PM CDT

Hello...what a difference a day makes, huh? The coolest thing happened yesterday for Jessica. She happens to be in the "Big Apple" right this very moment!

Last weekend while we were driving along, Jessica was talking with me about the school trip to NY this week. It was an expensive trip and most, if not all, of her best friends were going. She remembered how when it was time to sign up for the trip we were so broke that she could barely bring herself to imagine going-needless to say, we could not even afford to make the effort and stand in line to sign up! So, this weekend we talked about how she would be missing it, missing her friends and all of that. We agreed it was just one of those things.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call from her school. I was a bit anxious when I answered the phone and it was not my daughter on the line but a teacher. He asked, "Is this Mrs. Charlton?" I said, "yes," he then said, "Jessica Charlton's mother?" I said, "yes...." he then said, "well, she is okay, don't worry...!!!!" I said, "okay..." I was of course white as a ghost getting a call like this-he then put Jess on the phone. She was very excited and it was very chaotic in the background. She said "Mom, two of the chaperones for the trip cannot go and they donated their spaces for the NY trip...CAN I GO?" She was so excited! The teacher told me that she almost fainted when he told her about the trip. SO....she is in NYC as we speak, so to speak.

I was so excited for her. The teacher said this was like winning the Lotto-the trip cost $750.00. We did not have to pay for anything, except for spending money for food and such...my sweet daughter told me that she did not want me to give her any money, she said, "Mom, you don't have any money..." I told her, for this I will find money. I told her not too worry, that this sort of opportunity does not come along in life very often and that she would have money and not to worry about it at all!!! So, between her Dad and myself, and Mimi Bunny she had a decent stash of cash for her trip!

I do hope that she has a wonderful time. It means so much to me that in this year's time my daughter has managed to find herself a bit. Remember this time last year...it is painful to remember. I am blessed to see her growing, healing and finding love and laughter in this life. She most definitely deserves that. Robert definitely would agree-he did love his big sister!

So, me and the little ones will hold down the fort. I trust our Jessica will return safe and sound and even more "teenage-like" than when she left us!

I wanted to share this bit of good news with you all-I know that you have been so faithful to cheer her on in this journey-so, we continue...

Peace to you, All is well. Kathy

Tuesday, May 4, 2004 8:11 AM CDT

Good Day! Whew! I am not quite sure how we did it, but we managed to make 2400 miles of driving in 4 days fun and pleasurable! My older brother who helped with the drive home may have a different opinion, but as far as I am concerned...all is well.

The wedding was lovely. I was very proud of my brother Bryan as I watched him. His new bride is a wonderful, sweet lady. The main problem with the entire event was we did not get near enough time for visiting as we all needed. It was really as if we were coming from around the corner for a family wedding...believe me, my family enjoys sitting and visiting and taking the time to reconnect, and we simply did not have the time to do that. I am very glad that we went and that we as a family were all together for my brother's wedding-that is what is most important. I pray the new couple have a long, happy life together and am blessed to have been there with them at the beginning.

The kids are at school, I am at work...so I must run for now. Thank you for checking in on us. I may manage to get a photo or two on the page later this week-a photo from the wedding.

Peace to you, Kathy

P.S.
Of course I dance with the best looking man at the wedding! My sweet Matthew is quite the dancer! :)

Wednesday, April 28, 2004 5:11 AM CDT

Good day.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROBERT MITCHEL CHARLTON!

You were born to us this day at about 5 am...a day we will never forget. You seemed a bit scrawny compared to your 9 pound sister born just 14 months prior, but you were a strong little baby that is for sure (you weren't exactly little, you weighed 8 lbs. 6 oz.). I remember the look on your Daddy's face the instant he saw you were a boy! That look was priceless. He had a new meaning in life, he had you! You looked just like the silly little man from the cartoon, "Mr. Magoo!" but you were beautiful just the same. You came out fighting to have life as the doctor unwrapped the umbilical chord from around your neck...you were the fastest and easiest of my babies to be born-thank you for that~you continued on in the same fashion, you were such a good a baby.

Soon you would grow into the most handsome, pretty of boys. Your dark curls and huge brown eyes could stop any woman shopping in the mall. Your bulk would stop the men and your Dad and I became accustomed to being stopped wherever we went with you and your big sister-everyone had to look at you two. All the men would tell us "that looks like a linebacker to me!" Of course your Dad was planning on turning you into an NBA star, but we would have at least acted like we were going to let you choose what you wanted to do...

You and your sister brought us such joy those early years together in our little apartment above the garage. Your sweet kisses and pleasant demeanor would only become more precious to us as you grew...you ate all good things, loved a good story and a good laugh. You my precious son had a unique way of making those around you feel good about themselves-a wonderful gift to have in this lifetime in a world that seems to want to make us feel so bad about who wer are... but not with you, Robert, you always believed in the good in those around you.

We miss you tremendously, we love you more. Our lives are so much better for having you in them, but in many ways very empty without you now. I know that you see the changes, I know you laugh with us, cry with us, and cheer us on...you did not judge anyone in this life, and therefore I know that you do not watch from your place in heaven with any sense of judgement, you were the original "lover not a fighter". You knew which battles were worth fighting and fought hard to win.

Robert, you would be 13 years old today. In the seventh grade at the Middle School for the Arts with your sister and friends...your sweet smile and wonderful, loving ways would be enriching our lives and encouraging us along...actually-they still do. Know this my son, you are always in our hearts, always on our minds, and always our son.

"I may be hopeless, but I have never lost faith!" You lived this Robert, now as your Mom I have come to understand this-at the end of your life, you had to know it was coming to an end and you must have felt hopeless, BUT YOU NEVER LOST FAITH. The world may have been scratching their heads looking for your God to save you and cure you, they may have given up hope, but not you--you NEVER LOST FAITH. You taught me much my son in your brief time here with us.

I pray that as the world continues to ponder the life of a child who fought hard to live and fought against all odds, I pray they would remember you always-Robert Mitchel Charlton.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON, BROTHER, GRANDSON, COUSIN, NEPHEW, FRIEND TO ALL!

Peace-Kathy

P.S. I also found myself thinking about this weekend. The children and I head north for my younger brother Bryan's wedding this weekend...as we journey north for this joyous day I am reminded of the many of our small family that will be with us in spirit--My Dad, my StepMom's Mother and Father, and Grandmother...and of course Robert. This small family of ours has lost much these past few years, it seems that too many of our family have left us...yet, it is with great faith that we celebrate life and new beginnings! I will be back next week, keep the well-wishes coming!

Monday, April 26, 2004 1:45 PM CDT

Good Monday...Happy Monday, and new week. It is going to be a busy one for us that is for sure. The children and I are heading North on Thursday for my younger brother, Bryan's wedding! The kids are so excited and cannot WAIT to see MimiDonna...they are excited to see the rest of the family too, but it is definitely Mimi they are holding their breathe for!

This weekend was a blur. My Mom held a garage sale at my house this weekend and is was a success. I basically ducked out of any duties that she may have wanted me to handle, she was prepared for that, she had brought in reinforcements. I had to work on Saturday.

Sunday morning she was set up and finishing up with her sale-basically she and one of my best friends were working on their tans while they hoped for more customers. Anyway, I had a terrible tension headache. I needed to get out and walk to get some relief. I rummaged about for batteries for my headset, and finally went for my walk. It was a beautiful day. I walked my usual route, right behind the school where Robert and the kids attend. I always think of him so much when I round that corner...they have torn down the old playground to build a new one, it broke my heart to see it gone-thank goodness the old tree is still there.

As I was coming close to home I noticed right above me in the sky 4 seagulls flying together. I raised my hand to shield my eyes from the bright sun to watch these 4 birds flying in their formation. It struck me that there were 4, we do not usually have seagulls in our neighborhood flying about. I stared heavenward and watched them as they changed formation...One was clearly leading the pack. Then the one that was in the lead dropped behind, and began to drift off in its own direction. I watched the other 3 as the one left them...it seemed that the one in the back considered following the one that left them, but in a moment that bird had a burst of energy and chose to stay in formation with the other 3. I continued to watch as the beautiful V formation they were flying in changed to accommodate only 3; I watched the 4th one closely as it stayed its course and left the others...I thought of my children. I watched these 4, watched one leave...I noted to myself that the one that left the flock did not fall from the sky or waiver in it's journey- it simply chose another way. I watched as one of the 3 remaining together took the lead and pushed onward together...

I stood there in the middle of the road not wanting to lose sight of these 4 birds. I wanted to see where the one that headed off on its was going...it headed east toward the ocean. These images are so poignant in my memory, it meant so much to me to see these birds flying along as they were.

It touched my heart when I realized the one who left the flock and chose another route stayed it's course and flew on strong alone. It did not falter, it did not slow down or lose a bit of it's power, only went on alone...

I remembered how in the Bible we are told that our Heavenly Father knows when even a small sparrow falls to the ground...how much more does He take note of our lives.

Peace to you-all is well. Kathy

Friday, April 23, 2004 12:03 AM CDT

Good Friday afternoon...I am ashamed of myself. Some of you must have wondered if I fell off the face of the earth, we already have established that I fell off the turnip truck a long time ago...I could not believe when I read that the last time I entered a scribble here was last Monday-how pathetic. Those of you faithful enough to be hanging on hoping that I will get my act together and find my "writing voice" again I thank you. For those who have given up, well they won't miss me I guess!

I have been pondering something my lovely teenage daughter said to me the other day...she said, "Mom your pages are too depressing. I want you to stop writing about me and making me look and sound so good!" HA! I laughed to myself. I told Jessica that no matter what or how obnoxious she is, by the time I find time to write or find my voice, no matter what has transpired between us, she is GOOD! I suppose by the time she is a grown woman and a mother herself, she will realize that no matter what, at the end of it all, a mother's child is golden! Maybe she wants me to write more about our shouting matches and door slamming competitions...or maybe she wants me to tell you all that she is a normal well adjusted teenager who gives her parents a run for their money! You guys can fill in the blanks with that last statement...

I am sure that any of you who read my Friday entry from a couple of weeks ago have been wondering what exactly it was that made my house smell so awful and why my power and phone were turned off...well, the power was out because of a main power outage-the phone was turned off because I had not paid the bill (it was lovely having no phone), and the smell...well, I must apologize to my dear friends who are storing stuff in my garage, I thought they had brought a critter in with their stuff! Well, low and behold, it was I who caused the awful stench to be in the garage and the house- I had unplugged a very frozen freezer to thaw out-and then the neighbors filled the garage, and I had forgotten that I unplugged the freezer!! Thank goodness my Mom came over to get ready for a garage sale and found the mess! Hee hee, evil grin...she being the kindhearted, generouos woman that she is, did not run screaming from the sight or the stench of my nasty freezer, instead she dragged it out of the garage, dumped some bleach on the floor and is having some guys coming to move stuff, get it out of the way! Good thing I came to work today-can you imagine! DUH! We have been living with this awful smell-the kids would just pull their bikes out of the garage and we would close the door; I never would have guessed it was that freezer. Actually, I do not even know if I have ever put anything in the freezer, so for the record I am officially blaming Jeff for this whole mess! Doesn't that sound like a good idea-it was his freezer after all~

Wednesday night I had the pleasure of being invited with some of my favorite people to a fundraising dinner benefitting Duke Children's Hospital. I was escorted by my favorite guy, let's just call him Andy...we were in the company of the wonderful Diane & Bo Mathis, and Erik & Michelle Jorgeson-yes it was a date. Both their children, Mitchell, and Cameron were patients at Duke. We all donned our finest. The ladies were beautiful, as usual, and the men were very handsome in their tuxedos. I have a photo for the page, I am afraid it will be too large, but I will give it a try.

It was nice to get out with friends. We were invited by my childhood friend, Jenny. She is the one who works for Duke fundraising. Her boss is a man who started a foundation in honor of his son who was diagnosed with leukemia- he is alive and well- and continues to do fundraising for this unit. At one point during the evening I looked around the table and made note of my friends. It touched my heart to know what and how I came to know my new friends, and to realize what and how I came to find my old friend again. I looked over at Jenny and said to her "who knew when we were kids playing in the old neighborhood that we would come together like this as adults." She commented that she was just glad that we had come back together. It amazed me that my old friend was now connected to my new friends in such a unique way. Jenny looked at me and said, "It was Robert, he brought us together again...he brought us all together." She was right. Only a child with a heart of gold could allow so many to come together and remember what really matters in life-loving one another.

I know that every parent who has had a child with special needs(or any child for that matter)understands the power of a child. Robert's plight has built many bridges in my life. Some bridges may have come down and been altered a bit...but the many new ones are strong and being built to last a lifetime.

Yes it is Spring, and yes, love is the air. I am happy. My precious friends looked at me on this special evening and asked me..."you are happy, right?" I answered "yes, I am happy."

I have been amazed at this concept in my life many times over the past year. This concept of being "happy". There is much sadness, sometimes it is overwhelming...but at the end of almost every single day and at the beginning of every morning-I know how very blessed I am. I walk into my home and hear my children, yell at the dogs, if it stinks smell the smells, and I know that I am a rich blessed woman.

Yes, Robert taught me much about living. He taught me how to laugh at life and laugh at myself. I may never know or understand why he died, but I do know that I am alive. It is Spring, love is in the air, life is ebbing and flowing...I am happy-are you? I hope so.

Thank you for stopping by. Peace to you my friends.
Kathy

Monday, April 19, 2004 9:06 PM CDT

Good day. I was at work yesterday morning at the Lighthouse. I sat down at the desk. It was a beautiful Sunday morning and I immediately thought how nice it would be to have the time to write...the day may have continued on in the same beautiful manner in which it started, but the fleeting moment that made me want to write left as quickly as it came to me...

We are well. The children each felt a bit cruddy today. Tonight they seem to be feeling better. Christina seems to have hurt her neck a bit from practicing one of the moves in her dance/skit she is doing for the school talent show. Matthew managed to get too much sun playing outside and his lips are very burnt and chapped. Jess wore herself out this weekend. Me, I feel fine-I think.

I have started exercising again. I have been walking with different neighbors and it is a wonderful release for me. It truly helps me feel much less stressed and overall better about myself.

Robert's 13th birthday is approaching. It is in 11 days. I went grocery shopping today...who knew a simple ordinary task such as grocery shopping could make a person feel so lost. By the time I made it to the produce section of the grocery store I realized why I hate grocery shopping now. I manage to not do major grocery shopping, you know I usually just pick up what I need as I need it. Today was a full trip to the grocery. I thought of meals for the week, snacks for the week and all of that. So, by the time I made it to the produce section and heard the mushy music the store was playing in the background, I was ready to crawl under a rock!

It was strange. It was so strange to be shopping and planning meals for a family that is not 6 people any longer. Don't get me wrong, I love my family of 4; but so many times the reality of why the size of my family is significantly reduced is heartwrenching. It is so strange to not be buying Robert's favorite things at the grocery, and yes, it is a bit strange to not be buying groceries and planning meals including Jeff. Many of you know that I have struggled for a long time with my cooking and such since Robert left. Matthew, Christina and Jessica have completely managed to encourage me out of my lack of desire to cook and create in the kitchen. I am grateful for that.

I still hate going to the grocery store. Maybe I need to find one that does not play mushy music in the background! Even better, maybe I should shop with the kids in tow because we all know how much fun that is! Of course we all also know that when we shop with our kids we never remember half of what we needed in the first place.

Yesterday Matthew and Christina went to celebrate with Mitchell Mathis and his family the ending of his treatment for leukemia. They said they had a lot of fun-I was at work. I am so very proud of Mitchell and so very proud of his family-grateful to know he made it through...this passage of Mitchell's has brought about some interesting topics of discussion in our home. Matthew wondered all about what kind of cancer Mitchell had. He also pondered the "fairness" of how he was able to get through his treatment and Robert did not. I reminded him how glad we should be to know that any child gets through their treatment...I reminded him that the "unfair" part was that Robert died from his cancer. Also, that it is "unfair" that any child should ever get cancer...

My friend asked me today, "Do you think Matthew misses his brother?" I said, yes, very much, and all the time.

Thank you for stopping by and checking in on us.

Peace, Kathy

Friday, April 16, 2004 12:36 AM CDT

Good Friday friends...whew...this working and keeping up with life and general is tricky huh? We are always going...or at least I am. I am sure the rest of the world is going at a mile a minute I just have not been able to stop and notice.

I will be working all weekend. I am working at the Lighthouse in hopes to be able to accumulate a couple of comp days so that I can head North at the beginning of May for my younger brother Bryan's wedding. The children and I will drive up and spend a day or two at the wedding with family and then head home. The kids are so excited and cannot wait to see their extended family even if it is for a short stay.

Christina has been working hard on her performance for the talent show at school. It has been alot of fun watching her get ready. She does love to perform! Jessica is keeping herself busy with her friends and school. Matthew is busy being Matthew...tenderhearted child that he is. The dogs, well, they are just as obnoxious as ever! Actually, to date they are even worse...aaagggghhhh!

I am hoping for some time this weekend to spend writing some of my thoughts down on a page. I miss my musings...I do not want any of my thoughts of Robert and life with him and without him to get buried somewhere never to be realized.

I must run for now. Have a lovely weekend.

Peace to you all. Kathy

Tuesday, April 13, 2004 8:32 AM CDT

Good day. I hope that you all had a lovely Easter. We did. The children and I joined up with my Mom and family at my Aunt's house over on the west coast of Florida. The kids love going over there. They enjoy spending time with their cousins the most. Robert used to LOVE going over to their home and he is always near at hand when we are all together at their house.

My Aunt has quite a bit of property with horses and cows and lots of dirt! I am not sure I have ever seen Matthew and Christina quite so dirty. That was a sure sign that they were having fun! We have spent several Easters at Aunt Bambi's house...our family structure may have changed in some ways, but we are still a family and do enjoy being together. Thank you to Aunt Bambi and family for putting up with us and for all the good food, and good time together!

Saturday we received word from the High School of the Arts...Jessica's letter arrived via snail mail on Saturday. She had made arrangements with Jeff to go to the house to retrieve the letter and made him promise not to open it until she talked with him...the letter started with "Congratulations!" and from then on the excitement began...Jessica is so pleased that she got into the school. We are so proud of her and so proud of her hard work...So far, most of her good friends have been "accepted" into the school as well. I did not realize that the kids are first graded on their audition, then if they make the grade, they get put into a lottery and picked from that pool to be offered a spot! We are looking forward to high school now!

Sunday morning we all went to church together. It was so wonderful to all be there together. Most of the time the children are not with me when I go to church. We are still trying to get settled in with schedules and such...anyway, we were all together on Easter Sunday. My Aunt's church is lovely. Warm people, warm hearts...the children went to the front of the church to listen to the Pastor's story. I watched Matthew closely. He seemed a bit lost in his thoughts and totally enamored with the large lily right in front of him. I figured he was studying the flower and figuring out all of it's ins and outs...after the Pastor finished talking Matthew squeezed in right next to me...he curled up on my shoulder and a few moments later he said, "I wished Robert could have risen from the dead today." I said, "yes, Matthew I wish for that too...I wish he could rise from the dead any day!"

So, I guess I was not the only one thinking about Robert on Easter...Matthew was probably staring at that flower wondering much of the same thing I was...wondering about Robert. I am coming to terms with that no matter what, no matter where or how I will always wonder and miss Robert. Missing Robert has become so much a part of who I am as a person, and as a mother I must learn to accept that it is a big part of me. On Easter Sunday as I remembered and heard the story of my Savior once again, I was reminded that I choose to believe that Robert is risen and living in heaven...

Yesterday as I drove to work under a blanket of heavy rain and complete darkness I spent those moments imagining and remembering about Robert. I remembered what a beautiful baby he was-how when he arrived in this world on his due date that April 28th morning with the umbilical cord wrapped twice around his neck, how he would be such a special boy...I remembered looking at his wrinkly little body-only 8 pounds 6 ounces, my smallest baby, and thinking he looked just like Mr. Magoo! I now call Matthew "Mr. Magoo." I thought of what a good baby Robert was. His big brown eyes and thick dark curls used to stop people in their tracks...men would stop and comment on how he looked like a linebacker, and the women used to tell me he looked European...he was so beautiful-and so good natured...

I must admit, there is not a time for me right now when I think of Robert that it all comes back to the same place...his dying. No matter how wonderful the thoughts or memories, I always manage to come full circle and see the finality of his life...it is a strange blessing to be able to see a life that has gone full circle...a life that lives no more...

Jeff commented to me, "when does it stop hurting...ever?" My reply is..."no, it can never stop hurting..." That is the nature of the beast...it can never be undone.

So we live on...we celebrate, we remember-we live, we laugh, we love...just remember, I have figured this out-99% of the time, if I seem pre-occupied, or aloof, I am exactly that...99% of the time, it is not the bills, or the deadlines, or the dogs and other such distractions I am thinking of...it is Robert. I am coming to accept that I am a Mom who is missing her son...and always will. The sad part is, that has to be okay-nothing can change that.

May the sun shine on you this day...may you find peace in your hearts.

Peace to you, all is well. Kathy

Friday, April 9, 2004 7:48 AM CDT

Good Friday. I find myself at home for a bit this morning. I will only go into work for a couple of hours later today after the "little ones" head off with my Mom. I am sitting here with the early morning shows on the tv playing in the background...I know now for sure that I am not missing much in the world of media-truly, no news is good news.

I just realized what day it is...realized this day is a day of remembrance for those of us who choose to follow Jesus Christ. A day to realize and reflect and remember how He suffered and died...a day that changed history those thousand years ago, and changes history even today. A day that not only brings me the hope of heaven, now the reality that without "Good Friday," I might not have the hope of ever being with Robert again.

My day yesterday started with a phone call from some close friends. I answered the call never anticipating they would be calling to tell me that another child had died from cancer. A little boy I only met once, and met his mother only twice. That was the beginning of the day...as the day would continue on keeping me busy at work I would find myself lost in thoughts of Robert and thoughts for this family whose child just left this world. This boy died early in the morning.

At the end of my workday, I was checking my email. I decided to IM Jessica. Our home phone has been turned off for a week now, and I knew she would be on the computer and I could IM her to check in with her...she was in a state. She wrote, "Mom we have no power, the phone is off, and the house stinks like a dead rat!" I assured her that I had paid the electric bill-I even double checked, and the awful smell I could do nothing about it came from the garage from some stuff I am storing for friends for a garage sale-yuck!

As I drove home I reflected on all the insanity that is life...I reflected on all the ins and outs and ups and downs...I realized that I still believe.

Later that day I was blessed yet again. I was blessed with the most beautiful of sunsets I can remember. Immediately following the setting of the huge sun, the sky turned the most amazing shades of pastels...it was truly breathtaking. I knew heaven existed. I knew in those moments,in the chaos that was life, my son was not here with me, I knew and remembered how he had suffered...I cried and cried. I thought of how awful it is that he had to know that his body had cancer. I thought of how he knew he would die...I thought of how unfair it is that any child should ever have to hear the words "you have cancer". How can this be that in a world that can live under the heavens of an amazing God who creates the most amazing sunsets, allow a child to ever have to know any of this evil...I cried and cried. I cried for my Robert and how he died. I cried for his pain and suffering...

This morning I remember...I remember that no matter what I can have hope. I have a Savior. I truly believe and trust in Him. This morning I still have my home...three amazing children fully alive. I found some Easter decorations and put them out to create some springtime cheer...

This morning, my Savior lives-and my son is His heaven with him surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses...watching over us all.

God bless you, Peace be with you...All is well.

Kathy

Tuesday, April 6, 2004 8:19 AM CDT

Good day.

I dreamt of Robert last night. He was alive. He was not well, but he was alive. The dream took place at St. Jude. Jeff and I and some others were driving through the city of Memphis to get to the hospital. We were talking about Robert and his care. Apparently, we had left him there at the hospital for a bit so that they could take care of him. I can remember being so anxious and frustrated to get there. I remember finally arriving at the hospital, they were having a visitor's day. I saw Robert walking around. He was wearing some of his basketball shorts, a white long sleeved t-shirt, a baseball cap...and his blue skecher's sneakers. He looked good. I was amazed at how he looked just as I remembered him. All I remember next were bits and pieces of hospital staff interacting with us. Finally, they told us that what they tried did not work for Robert. Again, he would die. Then I woke up.

This morning as I drove to work I remembered my dream. I remembered that for a moment Robert was alive to me. That was all that mattered. I saw him walking, saw him coming toward me-touched him and talked with him. It was as if in my mind St. Jude was keeping him alive. Then I realized the reality. In my dreams, Robert is alive, and he and I connect, and always we know he will die...

I used to dread going to sleep. I used to force myself to go into bed and leave Robert's side. Sort of like my ritual would help to make everything normal. Now I look back and wonder, and regret, ever leaving Robert's side for any reason. (That is why it is so hard for me to leave my children now). I remember dreading sleep, then finally sleeping so hard from exhaustion only to wake with a start and then the cold reality that none of it was a dream. I can remember waking up, opening my eyes and this overwhelming sense of desperation to see Robert would come over me...the desperation that wanted to save him, heal him and make him whole.

This dream made me remember many things of those last days of Robert's...they were more awful than I realized. He was being tortured from the inside out and never let on the gravity and true intense pain that he must have been in. I remember trying to keep some semblance of normalcy...now I wonder why.

Why did I ever leave him for even a moment...? Some questions will always be tough to ask myself. Now I dream of him-and in those amazing moments between being awake and being asleep, my son can come to life.

This week we remember our Savior. We remember that He died. Alas, He did not stay that way-He did come back to life and sits at the right at hand on the throne of God.

Peace be with you...always, Kathy

Monday, April 5, 2004 8:37 AM CDT

Good Monday morning. The weather here in South Florida has been amazingly beautiful. Good healing for the soul. This morning on an early morning walk, one of the ladies I was walking with commented that it felt like an "early morning in the mountains." She was born in Georgia and obviously has spent some early mornings in the mountains...me of course, I was completely captivated by the moon that followed us as we walked along.

Life is crazy, crazy indeed. I ran into a former college professor of mine. He and his wife have known me for many, many years. He was one of my favorite professors, one of my psychology professors. They also knew Robert, they also know Jeff. They knew of Robert's passing and even had a grandchild in class with him at school, so they really kept close tabs on his journey. They did not however, know of Jeff and I divorcing. I shared it with them when they asked about "my husband." They were openly sad at my announcement. My professor said it is so very common for couples to divorce after suffering a loss such as ours. He said that it was alot to have to endure in a year's time.

He said something else that really stuck in my mind...I was speaking to him about how as I was moving along through life and would get blindsided with sadness and grief, how I would be careful to sort through the pain to see if I was processing grief from Robert or my divorce. He looked at me and simply said, "there is plenty of time for analysis, right now you simply need to get through a day..." He said that the two greatest stresses a human can endure are first, a tragic loss; and secondly, a divorce. He said either of those can topple most people over the edge. He said you all have had both in a short period of time...in other words, he was grateful to know we were still standing!

Sometimes simple insight into something we already know from an objective party is very helpful. I knew that about the two greatest stresses...I knew from books, and I know it from my own life. But, to hear it from a man whom I hold in great esteem and who is very spritually enlightened, and very knowledgable in psychology made me feel that much better...

It also caused me to pause and recognize that I am not the only who suffered a tragic loss this year. Every person in my family-distant or close at hand- has suffered a loss because of Robert's death and Jeff and my divorce. Every person has been affected by it all.

Then at church on Saturday night while singing a chorus of "You Paid Much too High a Price" these words struck me..."it is not enough to just be stirred in my emotions, I must be changed forever..." I thought of Robert's life. I thought of how and what he endured. I am not comparing my son's struggle and death to the struggle of our Lord Jesus by any means, however, I daresay, Robert paid much too high price for me to live the rest of my days only stirred in my emotions not to be changed forever. I thought of all the children I know who are suffering-how they are paying such a high so that they can have life.

Peace to you all. Peace and courage to live a changed life.

Kathy

Friday, April 2, 2004 8:29 AM CST

Good Friday world. Stay well, stay focused, be strong...

Peace to you all, All is well. Kathy

Wednesday, March 31, 2004 1:47 PM CST

Good day. It is a lovely day here in South Florida.

I came to this conclusion this morning, of all the emotions I struggle with these days, and actually have always struggled with, guilt gets me the most bogged down. Anger, resentment, bitterness, you know all of those other negative emotions we as humans feel, well those come and go very quickly with me. But, I thought this morning of how guilt has always had a way of getting a hold of me and bogging me down. You know the type of guilt, the kind that you feel even when you have not done anything to feel guilty about. As a young person I can remember feeling "guilty" when a choice I had made left someone else feeling angered, or short-changed, even if the choice I may have made was the right one. Disappointing someone makes me feel guilty. We can disappoint another person just by being in the same room-if you know what I mean. So, I realized this morning that for me whether or not it is merited, guilt can really bog me down.

This morning as I did one of my favorite things to do, that is walking Matthew to class, my heart was very heavy. He told me on our way into class that he had made me a card for Easter and that he wanted me to have it now. He was very adamant about this. So we marched into class and he began looking for the card. He found it...it had an adorable picture of a rabbit on the front, and said, "Happy Easter". He wrote in the card, "I know I will have fun this Easter because I get to spend it with you. I love you, Matt." As I read his handwriting and the words "because I get to spend it with you..." my eyes welled up with tears. Matthew hugged me so tight as I read his card and thanked him for it...he kissed me and told me he loved me. I looked up and saw his teacher watching us with tears in her eyes...my heart ached.

My heart aches alot for things that once were, never were, and for things that will never be...my heart has been very heavy with thoughts of two families that are so close to us who are living on borrowed time. My heart aches for our very fragmented fragile family...and unfortunately within all the aching and feelings of loss and sadness, guilt rears its ugly head.

Life's choices are rarely easy. The ones that are easy, simple in nature should be done cheerfully and without a moments hesitation, trust me. The next time a simple choice in life comes your way, smile big, take a deep breath and be grateful for the small things in life...someone remind me of this the next time I change 6 times before going to work!

I picked up Robert's painting this morning. I drove the route that I used to always drive with him to the doctor's office. Parked my van in the same place we used to park. Took the elevator up and smiled when a person asked me what floor. I could not remember, but this made me smile-Robert and I always got confused if the doctor was on the 3rd floor and the hospital floor was on the 2nd...we always got them mixed up...It broke my heart to see the doctor's office packed with patients. Not one of those parents sitting there knew who I was or the plight of Robert. I prayed for each of them as I felt I walked on a bit of holy ground on behalf of their children.

Robert's painting is definitely unfinished...it looks very Vangouh-ish. It looks like a masterpiece in the process. It will always be cherished...I hope to get some photos on the page for you all soon.

Life is a masterpiece. Unfinished pretty much no matter when you leave it...how many of us live unfinished lives while we remain living? I dare say, not I. I have too much to live for to get bogged down by the pain and losses of life, by the guilt...

Peace to you all-I may not be heading to St. Jude this weekend to say goodbye to my son, but Robert in his own way is reaching out to me and others right here and now sending bits of a masterpiece that was his life to encourage us along the way...

All is well. Kathy

Tuesday, March 30, 2004 11:17 AM CST

Whew, I think we just left another weekend in the dust! Of course it was a bit of a weekend to cause pause, after all Jeff Charlton did get married! I certainly hope that any of you who follow along with the antics of the Charlton family don't ever plan on exhaling or blinking, you will definitely miss something.

The children reported that Jeff's wedding was lovely. They looked just right for the occassion as well. Christina was a bit like a prom queen and so excited. Matthew cracked me up. When he saw his "pink" shirt that his Dad wanted him to wear under his black suit, he immediately responded, "I am NOT wearing that, no way, I am not wearing a PINK shirt!" It was very humorous. He soon changed his tune, and told me, "Well Mom, if that is what Dad wants me to wear, I will wear it for him." Such a sport that little guy. I must admit, I have never been more proud of my children than I was this weekend as I watched them pile into my Mom's car to head over to the ceremony. They have been through alot in this past year...they are brave souls that is for sure. I am beyond proud of them. Yes, I said that my Mom drove them to the wedding, she and my brothers were both invited. The children told me that she read a poem at the reception.

I am very happy for Jeff and Barbara. I wish for them many, many long wonderful years together-truly I do. They seem very happy, and are a good fit for each other. Barbara included vows to the children in her vows to Jeff. This did not go unnoticed by the children, they really thought that was special for her to promise to give them warmth and love and compassion all the days that they are with them...nice touch...

Work is very busy, that is a good thing. Sorry my updates are not as regular as usual. I will get into the groove here soon. I am hoping that life continues to "settle" in a bit for us as a family. Whatever that means.

While driving Jessica to school today, we were listening to a man who "talks to the dead." They were taking phone calls and he was channeling messages. It was a bit interesting. I asked Jess if she had ever thought of this and how she felt about it. I thought of the many messages I have received from Robert throughout this year. Just the other night my sweet friend showed me a page that he had written in the last Mother's Day card he had made for me...it said, "and when I miss my Mom, I know she is always in my heart..." To read this now amazes me...who knew...so, today when I made a phone call to the wonderful women from the POST program to get their help with something, I was pleasantly touched by another "word" from Robert. Apparently Robert had been working on a painting with one of the Art Therapy Volunteers at the hospital. The painting was never finished, and was for a special project. They called me to tell me that the artist had framed the painting for us and was bringing it to us today.

I was amazed. The ladies at the hospital say that it is nothing like any work Robert had done before. They say it is beautiful. I cannot wait to see it.

He is still reaching us even today...

I must run for now. I will be back, hopefully with photos.

Peace,
Kathy

Saturday, March 27, 2004 10:41 AM CST

Good day. I know it is unusual that I would post on a Saturday. Today is a special day for me. Today is my Dad's birthday. This day 7 years ago was the last time I spoke to him on this earth. The last time I heard his voice, the last time he called me "Precious" and told me that he loved me...I can still hear his voice in my ear. I pray that final conversation between us will never leave my memory.

While we talked that final time, we both cried a bit. Neither of us wanted to hang up, we lingered a bit after we said our goodbyes...it was strange how in my heart I knew that I was saying goodbye to him for the last time. My father had been suffering from lung cancer for some time. The final year of his life, while I was pregnant with Matthew, he had gotten very ill, very fast. I was unaware of how sick he was. He did not want me to know. Before this last birthday talk, we had not spoken in a few months. Dad was not one to talk on the phone, and through some other circumstances after Matthew was born, we had not even spoken over the holidays. We were all so busy...I had no idea how very, very sick my Dad was. My Stepmom tried to give me as much information as she could, but I think that even the doctors were not telling them everything in some ways...I guess Dad was dying and they knew it.

My Dad diedthey a couple of days after his 60th birthday. I read in the guestbook this morning some words from an "anyonymous" author...they spoke of me knowing who truly loves me in my life...My Dad truly loved me in my life. He had a way of accepting me that gave me great courage. Dad never kept score with me, he loved me where I was, for who I was, and I always had a feeling that no matter what, he was there for me. I am alot like my Dad. He was very patient, and very faithful. He was easy-going, and level-headed.

I miss my Dad. I find tremendous peace in knowing he is in heaven with my Robert. In some ways, knowing that made letting Robert go was a bit easier.

I have decided I cannot go to St. Jude next weekend. I cannot afford it. I have much to handle here and my heart knows that I have much to finish and deal with right here in my own backyard. I am ashamed to report here that to date, Robert has no marker on his grave. I am set on making sure that changes. Some how I will find a way to finish that.

Last night the children and I hosted some of our dearest of friends here at the house. We were blessed to be with little Cameron and his family, Mitchell Mathis and his family, the infamous Zman and the Finestone crew...what a motley crew of friends. They are so much more than just friends. We are woven together by a terrible tragedy of life. Yet, we choose to try to enjoy as much of life together as we can. My heart wants to break apart as I realize that these families are not finshed fighting, and two of them live with little or no hope of winning...I had set Robert's handprint I made of his hand right before he left us, out on the table. Little Cameron saw it there and was touching it. He took his small little hand and placed it inside of Robert's print-Michelle and I stood there watching this and absolutely shocked that this was our boys fate in life. It reminded me of the time Robert and Cameron put their fingertips together during that last visit together at the doctors office.

I have concluded that life holds little mystery for me anymore. I am set on looking for the joy in life and praying that the pain comes only in dribs and drabs so that I can keep moving forward. I realized the other day at work that I can no more plan for my life in one year, than in 10 years. I think in some ways I am too afraid. I think in other ways I am too busy living in the moment and trying to survive to do much else. I am grateful that I can make it through a day, a week, and then suddenly I realize it has been a month, now a year...

Jeff will be re-marrying tomorrow morning. The children will all get ready here and leave from here to go be by their Dad's side. I am proud of them. They are brave and they love their Dad. I ambut the so proud of how they love us both.

I hope the sun is shining on you this day. The sun is shining here. It is warm and bright and full of light.

Peace. Kathy

Tuesday, March 23, 2004 8:45 AM CST

Good day. It is a bit chilly here and very windy. The children will have to miss a trip to the beach because of the wind and the strong rip currents in the ocean this week.

I have been thinking about something I mentioned yesterday with regard to life and the pieces of a puzzle. I have been thinking about how our lives are similar to a puzzle and how it is constructed. Each person is an intricate piece of the puzzle-each person within a family. In thinking of Robert and how he fit into our family I realize he was a large piece of our puzzle, and he would have been one that anchored our life. Robert was a person who was the glue in a relationship. He had a way of bringing people together and making them a bit stronger because of his effect on them.

Robert's death left a huge whole in the puzzle that was our family. In some ways the pieces that were left could in no way be fashioned together without him. I have thought long and hard if Robert's death was the reason I seemingly ended my marriage so abrubtly, it is not. I cannot however in looking at all the pieces of my life with Jeff say that it did not affect my decision. Many people seem to have throw away relationships in their lives. Just as many do with a puzzle that is missing a piece. Some folks will box the puzzle up and put it away hoping the missing piece turns up at some point. Others, upon completing a puzzle and realizing that a piece is missing will tear it apart out of frustration and toss itout in response to that frustration...I am the type who would box up a puzzle and put it away in the hopes of finding the missing piece at a later date. Then there are those who would build a puzzle, come to the point where they realize a piece is missing, complete what they have, and then leave it sit on a table untouched, incomplete, but as complete as it can be with that missing piece-and be content to live with it like that.

I guess for me I have realized that with life, and all of its complexities, there will always be missing pieces to the puzzles of life. Very rarely do we ever get to complete a "puzzle" in our life the way we would want and without "missing" pieces. Relationships are complex, ever changing, and evolving. They are a puzzle that in essence will never be complete as long as we live...I hope and trust that as I continue to move forward in my life I will recognize that the "puzzle" of my life needs a good sturdy border around it, and that though some of the pieces may be missing I will continue to assemble it as I go along. The puzzle of my life will always have a huge whole in it with a significant missing piece, Robert-however, I am still in the process of assembling my puzzle. I will not be putting it aside to lie around incomplete, I will not be putting away in a closet in the hopes of finding the missing piece. I will be busy living life and at some point, probably not until I reach heaven, will I ever see the finished product...that is enough for me, I am happy.

Peace to you all this day. All is well. Kathy

Monday, March 22, 2004 9:43 AM CST

Good day. It is a beautiful day here in South Florida. I am working at the Lighthouse today, and the children are home. Matthew is completely delighted because "Cousin Kyle" is here visiting. Kyle is one of the extended family that has taken on official status and earned himself a title. "Cousin Kyle" and Robert used to be the best of friends as well. Kyle adopted Robert's fish when Robert relapsed because we could not keep the fish tank in his room with his compromised immune system.

Last night the children were getting the scoop on how Robert's fish were thriving...go figure, a bunch of goldfish have managed to outlive a legend like Robert. Something is a bit wrong with this world I daresay...this morning I asked Kyle about his upcoming birthday. He reminded me that he would be 13 at the end of this month, and I recalled how he was just a month older than Robert. At that point I realized that Robert would be a teenager next month on his 13th birthday. As I was thinking on this fact about my son, I continued to listen to the children talking in the other room. Matthew and Christina and Kyle were talking about Robert. They were saying how they could not believe that Kyle could beat Robert at video games, and Matthew chimed in saying, "but no one could beat Robert at fishing, he was the best fisherman!" It warmed my heart to hear these kids talking about Robert. As I continued to listen, Matthew playing a video game himself, chimed in again..."hey, how do you get this guy to kick?" Kyle said some sort of morse code secret language of instructions about which buttons to push and Matthew said, "thanks."

This bit of a simple exchange made me grin and a bit sad all at the same time. This simple exchange summed up what our life has become for us now after Robert's death. We live, we remember, we laugh; we love, we talk, we reflect; we live...Life has barely paused since Robert has died. In fact it is raging ahead full force even faster it seems these days.

My heart is feeling the weight of many things these days of late, I know what else is new. My mind keeps going to the place where some precious friends are right now. A precious family has that is very dear to my heart has had to hear the words no one ever wants to have to hear when fighting disease. Little Cameron has relapsed with his nueroblastoma. He and his Mom and Dad traveled to Duke last week for some follow-up visits. His scans revealed that he had relapsed in several places. Duke has told the family there is nothing other than a miracle to keep Cameron alive. They have told them that they have about a year left with their son. He is 3yrs old.

Unfortunately, I know all to well how it feels to have someone tell you that your son is going to die. I know and understand how it feels to look upon your child and hear the world telling you that there is no hope for his life, no cure, no way for him to survive his disease...I also know what it is to find a way to fight, to live, to hope and never give up even when faced with death.

Even with all of this knowledge and the fact that I may have been where my friends are now, I do not pretend to be able to grasp their feelings or their fears...grief, courage, bravery are all emotions that are very individualistic. What I want my sweet friends to know is that though our family obviously lost the most precious of losses, I still believe that our Lord can give them that miracle. I am praying that He will choose to do that.

The last six weeks of Robert's life were very difficult. Watching him as he fought for his life and as his body betrayed him and cancer took it over was beyond anything I ever could have thought I would face in this lifetime...this morning as I drove to work I reflected on that time, those weeks. I realized that all the while we endured and Robert fought, the sun kept rising in the sky. The seasons still changed, the wind continue to blow-and somehow, we managed to survive...

The pieces of the puzzle that make up our lives are very delicate, intricately woven, and reliant on each other to be complete. No matter what Cameron's fate may bring, he is a key piece to the puzzle of his family's life. They need him to be complete. I pray that they get to keep him...that they get to stay whole and intact with Cameron thriving...I pray that this precious family does not have to endure a life where there amazing son becomes a memory...

I hope that the sun is shining where you are today. I hope that in the chaos of life you can still feel the wind blow and at the end of it all, have hope.

Peace,
Kathy


P.S. I just recognized the date-it is my little sister, Cheryl's Birthday! Wow! Happy Birthday Cheryl! Many, many more! :)

Friday, March 19, 2004 2:09 PM CST

Good Friday to you all! Can you imagine that I wrote an entire page this morning, and poof, AOL ate it up!

Anyway...Spring Break has officially started at the Charlton House. We are so sorry that Marieke will not be here to enjoy it all with us. I dropped the children and Marieke off at the beach this morning on my way into work. She is positively glowing from all the sun she has gotten and very excited to go home to Germany with so much color. I have made no particular plans for the weekend, (none that I will share here at least...) except for church tomorrow night! The children are with Jeff, and Marieke and I will probably do some shopping tomorrow. I am working on Sunday so that I can take a day off next week to be with the kids.

Have a lovely weekend, stay warm those of you still fighting the snow! I cannot believe it is still snowing in places...brrrrr.

Peace to you and yours. Kathy

Friday, March 19, 2004 9:39 AM CST

Good Friday world! Another weekend is here. The sun is shining, it is a beautiful day here in South Florida. The children are so delighted it is officially Spring Break, and we have no snow forecasted on the horizon. I cannot believe it is STILL snowing in parts of our country. Go figure-what ever happened to that groung hog?

I was a bit late for work this morning. I took the children over to the beach for some sun and fun. The 5 of them had better keep lots of sunscreen on them so as to keep from getting totally burned. Marieke is positively giddy with the realization that she gets to go back to Germany looking all "sun-kissed" and such. She has been watching the weather channel all the time to see the forecast. She is a bit sunburned, but I do not think she cares one bit!

It has been delightful having her here with us. I told her the other night at dinner that this time when she goes we will be so sad. Marieke lived with us during the time when Robert was first diagnosed with his cancer. Not long after his diagnosis it became apparent to me that I would need to ask her to relocate for the rest of the school year. It was very hard for me to do that to her. We were living with 5 children in 2 bedrooms...not very condusive to Robert's illness and well-being. So, she relocated. We still saw her and she stayed very close with the children. But, I detached myself in a way from her because of my need to be focused on Robert and the kids. Needless to say, she and I had become very close. Marieke made the long journey over here when we brought Robert home. She was determined to see him and the family before he passed away. At that point I knew she was truly a part of the family. I told her now I know she will be back in the States again, because she has made it here this time. Marieke would love to make Florida her home. Who knows...she will always have a place with our family that is for sure.

I have planned nothing for this weekend. No basketball, no birthday parties, no taxiing kids around town...I am working Sunday at the Lighthouse, so that should be crazy! I hope that you all have a wonderful weekend whether it is sunny or snowy. Enjoy!

Peace to you and yours,
Kathy

P.S. I am going to church this weekend, that is the only thing I am planning.

Thursday, March 18, 2004 5:25 AM CST

Good day. It is quiet here this morning. Last night train horns were sounding what seemed like all night last night. They are working on the train tracks near our home and it was so strange to be awaken so many times by the train horns. The trains do not usually sound their horns during certain hours-so to hear them so loudly so often kept waking me leaving with an unsettled feeling as though something was going on...Right now I have the local news on the tv in the background, as I listen I am beginning to realize why I do not watch the news! You know what they say, "ignorance is bliss!"

Work has been pretty busy. I have been splitting time between my office in the museum, and the Lighthouse Visitor Center. We have a gift shop and conduct tours from the visitor center and it can get very busy. I do like the fact that the days go by so fast and hence the weeks do to. I am looking forward to next week, and Spring Break. I am working my schedule so that I can take a day off to be with the kids. Also, Markieke is heading back home on Monday-that is not something we are looking forward to. She has been a great help, and very wonderful house guest. She is definitely not just a "guest" she is definitely part of the family.

Okay, I just wathced the best commercial ever. It has truly inspired me. A young man knocks on a door; A Dad answers the door-the young man is there to pick up the daughter for a date. The Dad calls the daughter and proceeds to give the date a "300 point check up" because the Dad is a certain kind of car mechanic! I think this is a brilliant idea-I need to develop a technique for examining any dates that will be here to pick up my daughters for a date. I am going to have to stick to my you can date when you are 25 statement so that I have plenty of time to develop my technique!

I am going to sign off now to prepare for the day. Driving to school has become very interesting now that the primary route I take to school has been dug up to fix the train tracks. Traffic is crazy!

Have a great day. Peace, Kathy

Wednesday, March 17, 2004 8:34 AM CST

Good day. Happy St. Patrick's Day to all the Irish out there! Pretty comical to see us Charltons rummaging about the house to find something green to wear to avoid getting "pinched" at school/work.

Not much to report here...just busy, busy, busy. I think that we are settling into the new routine, but I am not really sure...we had a bit of a mishap the other day involving our dog Angel. She decided she just had to be out front with the kids to protect them and busted right through my bedroom window screen and caused quite a scene! Poor Jess, the dog would not listen to her, it apparently became quite mishap. My neighborhood is full of people walking, riding, and dog-walking. Unfortunately, Angel is a territorial dog and wants to run-off anyone and anything that happens to be on "her" sidewalk in the front of the house. She has never, ever snapped, or even barked at one of the kids playing out there, it is just all the adults (strangers) and animals that want to use the only sidewalk in the neighborhood-it happens to be in front of our house. Needless to say, poor Jessica called me quite hysterical from the whole thing. I don't blame her...Angel has been on notice for some time regarding her behavior...I have put off re-locating her for a long time for some of the obvious reasons...the kids. They have long known that "one more strike" and she would have to find a "new home". Hence, I am looking to relocate her...no, she cannot go live with Jeff. Any suggestions are welcome.

I am very torn up about this decision, but I cannot express the need for this choice enough. I cannot have the children home having to worry that Angel will bolt past them to get out front. She has done this for a long time and shows no signs of stopping this behavior. She will charge a walker and scares them have to death-another concern of mine. It has become a big issue in our house, I simply have been trying to handle it to keep the peace. I think as much as we love Angel, we all need a bit of relief from the stress. Angel has been with us since Matthew was a baby. As Jessica put it the other night, "she is the only thing we have left in the house that is from when Robert was here..." This is not easy for me...

Marieke and I were driving to the grocery store the other day. As we sat at the red light we both noticed a man sitting in the median with a sign. His back was toward us and he was pointing and moving his head as he spoke. Marieke asked, "Is he reading something or just talking to himself?" I noted that there was nothing in his hand to read and he seemed to be talking to himself. He was obviously very dirty and such. Marieke in her usual quiet, very German-like matter of fact manner, said "I usually just go and buy someone like that food and give it to them." She said, "I figure they will eat it, because we all get hungry at some time."

Her simple way of stating that "we all get hungry at some time," caused me to pause. I replied to her, "yes, Marieke you are right, we all get hungry at some time." I have been thinking much of this conversation since it took place. I have been pondering what it is that I am hungry for in my life. I thought of the literal meaning of hunger, and my lack of wanting to eat when I get busy and stressed. I thought of how when we feed our babies we can feed them almost anything, ie, strained peas, and they will eat it. It is only as a baby grows and becomes more aware do they become "picky eaters." It is amazing to me how we can be so hungry and needy for something in our life, and we do not want that which is "fed" to us. We become "picky eaters". I watch my own children. I know as we grow and become more independent and mature we also have the right to choose whatever we want in life. I just know that from personal experience, I will choose to go "hungry" physically, emotionally, and spiritually if I am not in the right mood or mindset to receive that which is offered to me at the time.

I know I have driven my Mom crazy a time or two. I am terrible about eating at times. I can be starving, sit down to eat and if there is something about the food that is not what I want, I will not eat. This does not bother me much, I would rather not eat than eat something I am not hungry for...unfortunately, when we are dealing with our emotions, and spirituality we should not be so picky about getting our needs met.

I wonder, what are you hungry for in your life today? Are you willing to eat, because everyone gets hungry at some point...? I wonder, if in searching to satisfy a basic need that you may have, when that need has been met will you be satisfied and receive it?

Just a little "food for thought."

May the peace of God meet your hunger needs today and may He guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Peace,
Kathy

Monday, March 15, 2004 9:32 AM CST

Good Monday day! It was a lovely weekend here in South Florida for this family.

I am sitting at work, today I am working over at the Lighthouse. It is a beautiful place here. Out in the back is a group of men fishing in the inlet...as you can imagine, this place reminds me so much of my life here in Florida, my life as a child spent in and around the ocean, then my life with my children...my life with Robert.

Friday night was the award night for the children. Though the program was a long one, and did get very loud with all the excitement from the kids, it was alot of fun. Part of the program was done by a man who did an amazing chalk drawing while playing music in the background. One of the songs that was incorporated into his presentation was "I Can Only Imagine." As soon as the first notes of the song were audible, my heart sank a bit and the tears welled up in my eyes. This song always does that too me. I thought of Christina sitting way down front with her team, I knew that the song was touching her heart just the same and that she would probably be crying as well. I managed to keep my tears to a minimum. It is not easy at times to stop tears when I am reminded of Robert. Unfortunately, the kind of tears that I am moved to shed for Robert are the kind that leave a person heaving with the sobs that come from a broken heart...think of how many times in life we are moved to tears. The kind of tears that well up from a scene in a movie that has touched our heart. The kind of tears that may actually manage to well up so full that maybe one or two will fall, but are easily manageable. These are not the kind of tears that come when I think of Robert. The tears that well up in my eyes when I am reminded of him are the kind that burn first and then trickle down my cheeks in huge drops and seem to want to keep coming and never stop. My sweet friend Beth was right next to me, and she too shed a tear...she reached over and touched my shoulder. Her touch seemed to bring me back from that place that I was ready to run to and not come back from. Thank God for the human touch. It can truly heal and save us if we let it.

Later in on the presentation they talked about Robert's Scholarship. They had prepared special envelopes for the donations and they had his picture on them with his name, Robert Charlton, 1991-2002. The Robert Charlton Scholarship with his photo loomed over us on two large screens as the presenter spoke about it. It was so strange to sit in that church that Robert played in as a child and see his photo larger than life looking down upon us. This particular photo of him was taken just days before we learned of his relapse. He has the most amazing smile on his face and looks so "Robert-like." The evening ended with a slide/video presentation of the kids playing in their games. The very last slide is the slide of Robert's photo with the words "in memory of Robert Charlton" imprinted on the screen. The children cheered so loudly throughout the entire presentation-they cheered for all their friends, all the cool pictures. The last photo of Robert, a child most of them did not even know, got tremendous cheers as well. It touched my heart deeply to hear these children cheer and clap when Robert's photo was shown...it was beautiful. I hope that many children who may have not had the opportunity to play basketball, do have the opportunity because of this scholarship.

I am still grappling with my decision to go back to St. Jude. My mind swirls with emotions surrounding this trek. I have gone ahead and made the reservations, and arrangements with work. I will leave it until that last moment and go with my instincts. This morning as I drove to work and thought of many things that need closure in my life. I realized that I never said goodbye to my son-I have yet to say goodbye to Robert. This Spring is bringing about lots of changes and is time for goodbyes and is time for new plans...much of my former life is becoming such a distant memory. Everything is new, everything is different. It is time to say goodbye to some of the life that was so familiar. It is time to embrace the life I have now and welcome it with a brave heart.

I want to be able to continue to move forward in my life. I want my children to be able to move forward in life as well. I want to be able to move forward as the family that we are now.

"NOW FAITH IS BEING SURE OF WHAT WE HOPE FOR AND CERTAIN OF WHAT WE DO NOT SEE." Hebrews 11:1

Peace-All is well,
Kathy

Friday, March 12, 2004 1:28 PM CST

Good Friday world. I am amazed at how quickly life zooms by now that I am working outside of the home everyday...I have long wondered how families "did it" with both parents working outside of the home...most of my years working outside of the home were at places where the children came along, so it seemed we were still together...I just took my home with me-maybe I am part turtle?! Mom, is there something you forgot to tell me...

I am so looking forward to the weekend. Tonight we are going to the kids award night for basketball. Should be interesting that is for sure. Loud, is the word that comes to mind. The Upward Basketball program at First Baptist Church is a very well organized program. Tonight's ceremony will be top notch I am sure. Each child is presented with their trophy. Also tonight they will spend a few moments highlighting Rober't scholarship. That is always a tough one to see a huge picture of your son on display with the dates of his life right in front of you...
The kids are very excited about going. We are all a bit sad that this season has ended...on to the next one!

Me, well, I am just plain and simply looking forward to the weekend. Tomorrow night we will be honored to have the very special Zman over at the house...his parents have a bit of a date and they needed a sitter, coincidentally, Matthew is suffering from Zachitis and woke up this morning asking to see him this weekend. How's that for a plan coming together...I am hoping to take Marieke shopping this weekend as well. Of course there is laundry on the horizon...but when isn't there laundry on the horizon.

Seems the full moon is in session. A bit of melancholy is settling in on the old homefront this week...life with its ups and downs...I never realized how much I liked white water rafting-that is what it feels like, or maybe it is more like a roller coaster. Like Space Mountain at Disney, all dark and such...riding that one you just keep being jerked around and sometimes you laugh other times you scream-mostly you just want off the ride! Then you come to a screeching HALT and you think, "cool, can I do that again?!"

Such is life-I decided the perfect age for me is 33. Old enough to know how I am gonna turn out after having babies, young enough to still like the way I look, and actually it was the last age in my life that I had all 4 of my children here with me in their healthiest of states...

Have a lovely weekend. Thank you for stopping over.

Peace,
Kathy

Thursday, March 11, 2004 6:14 AM CST

Good day. This week is zipping by. It is strange to think that it is actually quite chilly out this morning. I cannot remember it being this cool at this time of year ever. For us Floridians it is nice, summer is right around the corner, and it is so hot.

Summer will be different for us this year. This will be the first year I have worked during the summer since I had children. That is a long time. I managed to stay home last summer to be with the kids, so hopefully they will be able to manage this summer. I am looking into a couple of camps for Matthew and Christina. I know that Jessica is hoping to be able to travel a bit this summer as she did last summer. I know I will not be traveling this summer, but the kids, who knows...Matthew brought home this paper from school the other day about summer camp at his school. Of course the paper highlighted all the cool places they would be going that summer and such. Matthew was so excited. So was I until I saw the cost-very high. Keeping children occupied and such while working is very expensive. Maybe I can train Matthew and Christina to give tours at the Museum and give them a job. Jessica could work over at the Lighthouse. Now that would be interesting. If the gas prices skyrocket as they are promising to do this summer, I may have to retire early. By the time I pay for summer camps, and gas to get to work I may have to stay home! Can you say Camp Charlton featuring Florida snow on the trampoline?

Last night they showed a Billy Graham Crusade on television. Watching it brought back many memories. When I was a teenager living with my Dad, my Stepmom and I went through the training to be a counselor at his crusade that was coming to town. I had forgotten about that time...as I watched and listened to Billy Graham last night it took me back to that time and place. I remembered the swarms of people and the stands in the stadium being so packed full of people. It was amazing. One of the women I counseled as a teen during that crusade, I have later had contact with as an adult through my time at my present church. It was so surreal to see and realize that I was the one she ended up speaking with in the midst of that huge crowd and how I was the one she prayed to come to Christ with...life is so interesting the way it brings people in and out of one's life. It is so mysterious, yet obvious at the same time.

Realizing that this is our only time that we have hear. As humans we have much to contemplate, much to navigate, much to feel. Life can be as simple or as complicated as we allow it. In many cases, such as Robert's life dealt him a tremendous burden to bear. One that even though I was right by his side every moment, I cannot even fathom. I cannot fathom being a child with cancer. I cannot imagine how he must have felt when he was first explained of his condition, then again when he relapsed, and then finally when he relapsed again...I can fathom how an adult woman would feel, I can relate to how a Mom or a Dad might feel, but how a child would feel, that I cannot imagine. I can try, and that scares me.

No wonder the Bible tells us to come to the Lord as little children. It is obvious, is it not? Only a child would trust their parents enough to bravely delve into the world of cancer. Only a child would be naive enough, trusting enough, and willing to welcome the type of healing that brings them through the horrors of cancers. As adults we know too much, don't we, to be that trusting. We are too set in our ways, we know what we want, what we like, our lives are etched out just the way we want to live them...it is almost like you have to be able to receive the reality that you have cancer to be able to kick it in the butt and defeat it to survive. As adults it takes us a long time sometimes to process change. In the world of cancer, especially with leukemia, there is no time to process-only time to fight.

So, Thursday, the middle of March...and here we all are, living, breathing, loving, and hopefully laughing. Keep up the good work, breathing is very important!

May the peace of God guard your heart and minds in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Peace be with you. Shalom.
Kathy

Wednesday, March 10, 2004 9:19 AM CST

Good day...Okay, so I am not exactly used to my new schedule as of yet...I must admit, having the ability to be home from work before 5pm is a real bonus! Also, still having the ability to drive the kids to school and keep that part of the schedule the same is also a bonus.

The children are doing well. School is very busy with testing and such. We are looking forward to Spring Break. I am not quite sure how or what we will do as far as me being at work while they are home all day--I guess it will be a good trial run for summer. If I work my hours out a certain way, I should be able to take a day off to spend with them. I have been looking at my schedule and am still contemplating going to St. Jude for the "Day of Remembrance" the first weekend of April. I am just not sure. It would be a day of driving, a day of remembering, and then another day of driving home...it is strange for me as I think of how much I want to go back there. On one hand, I know it would truly be an honor to honor Robert's memory by going there. I know that there are some wonderful people there that I never said goodbye to because we left in such a hurry.

I realized this last night, my motivation to make that 1,000 mile drive is gone. I can remember being so determined to make it home in a day to see the children, and then needing to get back as quickly as possible to see Robert. Knowing that the drive this time is only about visiting a special place and bidding farewell to a chapter in our life is not all that appealing. Part of me wants very much to walk those halls where Robert walked, I would love to see his handprints that remain there...Quite frankly, Robert loved that place-as all the children who find themselves there do. The memory of our time there is still so vivid in my mind that there are many times that I allow myself to indulge in a tour of the halls and faces of St. Jude to remember Robert...I am just not so sure.

My younger brother Mike was over doing laundry at my house last night. It was not a typical thing for him to be there doing laundry...we were watching something on t.v. and I said to my brother, "he is never coming back you know..." He said, "I know..." He than said, "you are talking about the 'boy wonder', Robert, right?" I replied, "yes, Robert-he is gone, and will never be here with us again..." Mike and Robert were very close-they loved fishing together, goofing off together, and hanging out and laughing like fools together. Mike was going through the most difficult time of his life personally when Robert relapsed and had to leave for St. Jude. Robert actually had to leave town without seeing his beloved Uncle-it was not easy for Robert to go away without seeing his Uncle. I can remember Robert sitting in the airport hoping that he would get to see Mike before he left. Fortunately, when we did return home with Robert, Mike and he were able to spend some time together before Robert passed away.

I must admit, even now so long after he left us I still ponder a few "what if's" and "if only's". I know this is normal-whatever normal is in terms of grieving for a child who has died. This may be part of my hesitation in going to St. Jude. There is a tiny little spot somewhere in my brain that wonders if this was the facility for Robert. Granted, he loved it there, it is an amazing place, but they use a particular method for transplant that differs from other facilities...ie, Shands Hospital here in FL, and Duke University in NC. It is still so appalling to me that as a parent I was forced into a corner literally to pick and choose the best treatment plan for my son. It seems to me that no matter how much knowledge I may have armed myself with, or how much trust in God and faith I managed to muster in relation to this choice-it was still Jeff and I's choice as Robert's parents and we had to make it...now I am not losing sleep over this one...but it does give me a sharp pain in my heart at times when I realize the severity of having to choose a treatment plan for your child with cancer is...

Life goes on-that is for sure. God continues to be faithful, I continue to believe in Him, His Word, and His ways...

Stay warm as it appears that it is still Winter in some areas!

Peace to you,
Kathy

Monday, March 8, 2004 8:40 AM CST

Good Monday day...this past weeekend went by way too fast! I think I blinked and missed it...

The children played their last basketball games. Christina's team almost pulled off their only win for the season...they played such a tough game. As parents we were jumping out of our seats we were so excited watching how hard these girls played. Of course, in the Upward Basketball program, winning is not the objective-they really teach the kids that each of them is a winner. I was very proud of her team and their coach and all of their attitudes. Matthew, let me tell you, that little guy can work the basketball court. He is good. I love watching these two play ball. They apparently inherited their competitive spirit and athletic abilities from their Dad!

During the half-times we talked about Robert. The program has a scholarship dedicated in the memory of Robert. I had asked if we could "promote" it during half-time because I felt very strongly about the parents and people who would hear about the scholarship knowing something about Robert. I talked at 3 of the half-times, Jeff did one of them...the men who run the league talked for us during the games that took place after we left. This was the first time that I have "spoken" publicly about Robert. This was the first time I have spoken publicly in a long time at all! I was so hononred to be able to speak about Robert-as you all know, I would love to have the opportunity to this anytime. I hope that many children can benefit from this program and have an opportunity to participate in sports. Friday night is the awards night. That should be fun-last year's program was looooonnnnngggg-let's hope we survive.

I trust this finds you all in good spirits and feeling fine. Take good care, and peace to you and yours.

Kathy

Friday, March 5, 2004 9:07 AM CST

Good Friday to you. Whew! What a busy week at our house. I realized last night while on my way home from dinner with some friends, that I had been out of the house every night this week!!! That is a bit unusual for me, it was very nice, but the dirt is definitely piling up...eeeewwww!

I am certain that many of you have grown accustomed to my finding little "treasures" that Robert left here for us. Well, this morning, I found something I had penned in one of his journals. I was looking through a spiral notebook of his that bears his basketball photo on the front of it. I love this book. The only thing that Robert ever wrote in this book was his birthday list from that year, his last birthday here with us-he was turing 11. As I flipped through the pages in search of any other treasure that he may have left there, way in the back, on a random page I had scribbled a poem.

"In the dark as we slept soundly,
in the evil one crept-
seemingly hovering looking very suspect.
The one he did choose to try to steal away
unknowingly would not be led astray.
As we learned of this evil-
this dark one called cancer,
we stood ready to fight
even though it did not answer.
The alarms sounded
We armed ourselves-
our shields are made of love,
our weapons chemo, radiation, drugs.
We stand ready to fight
this thief of the night..."

I can remember having the strangest feeling in relation to the verse in the Bible that refers to how Satan comes like a thief in the night, to steal and such...I remember how I felt like "something" evil wanted to steal Robert...this is where these words I penned come from, those feelings. This poem had no date on the page. I do not even remember writing them down. I may even have written them in the middle of the night, and I do not believe that I ever finished it...strange.

In the end, I believe that if the evil one thought himself victorious by attacking Robert with cancer, I daresay he was very wrong. Robert fought hard, we fought hard with him and for him. In the end, Robert was victorious, and in the end, we are still fighting for all that we know to be good, true, lovely, honest, honorable and worthy...

To God be the glory, great things He has done.

Peace to you, all is well.
Kathy

Thursday, March 4, 2004 9:33 AM CST

Good day. Life is moving along...

Basketball season at the church ends this weekend for the kids. It will be a bit bittersweet. We have loved our season there this year. As some of you may recall, the organizers of the program there created a scholarship in honor of Robert. This weekend they have asked us, Jeff and I, together or individually, to speak about Robert during the half time segment. The format usually involves a short devotional time. This weekend it will be about Robert, and his love for basketball and life.

I am collecting my thoughts of what I will say over and over again about Robert to so many people on Saturday. It is the first time I have told the story to a large group...I tell Robert's story over and over in many different ways almost daily-this time it will be to a captive audience, and will hopefully benefit a wonderful program. The thought of any child getting an opportunity to do something "extra" in their life because of Robert's life is an amazing blessing...

So, I am busy with work and all that life brings...we have a houseful this week-Marieke, my brother Mike, and a childhood friend who is in town for business are all staying with us...can you say make up the couch! So, we have been very busy...good busy.

All is well...Peace to you, Kathy

Tuesday, March 2, 2004 12:31 AM CST

Good day. As you can see, I am still adjusting to my new schedule and such...I have not quite managed to find my niche as to when I can write and such. Writing for me has definitely become a key part of my daily ritual. It has become both an avenue for communication as well as an avenue for healing and personal growth. It has been interesting as Marieke and I have discussed the views that others have taken on the life we live as a family, very interesting indeed. I told her that I have come to the conclusion that I am writing a book, I am telling a true story of the life of a family as it unfolds daily...thank you for following along.

It has also been wonderful to watch Marieke as she takes it all in from her perspective. She is amazed at how much the children have changed. She marvels at Matthew and what a "little man" he is already. In turn, she sees so much change in Christina and her ways as well. Marieke and Jessica were always close before when she lived with us, and now I am very pleased to see that I believe they are even closer. Marieke brings a tone to our home that is very calming...that is always nice.

My job is going quite well. They are keeping me very busy and I feel very welcome there...I have yet to catch anyone looking over my shoulder to see if I was daydreaming or something forbidden like that! I had this thought the other day as I walked along. I thought of how in all the interviews I had gone on and how they drilled me so relentlessly...what does my husband do? who takes care of my children while I am at work? what about my faith, and relationship with God? do I have long-haired cats? blah blah blah...all very important questions for a new employer to ask...and then there were the personality tests...oh my goodness. My thought was this, the person who hired me for this job hired me based on her instincts. Now that is impressive. Of course, she thought I looked great on paper in my resume, but there was no request for references, no credit check, no personality quiz...just good old fashioned instincts...no wonder I like this place.

I must go for now, I am at work after all...and very busy. Take good care. The saga continues! :)

Peace, Kathy

Monday, March 1, 2004 6:41 AM CST

Good Monday morning...Wow, March 1st-this will be a busy month, I can tell. I am already looking forward for the kids to have their Spring Break. Thank goodness Marieke will be here for some of it to help with me not being at home...

Jessica seemed to have a lovely time this weekend celebrating her birthday. She started with a sleepover, then managed to get to the movies, and finished the weekend off with a family dinner last night...dinner was very nice last night-as you can imagine the dynamics of our family have changed completely...it was very special to have Marieke here with us for Jess's birthday. Mimi Bunny, Uncle Mike, Jeff and Barbara, and my favorite guy were all here with us to celebrate. I know as Jess surveyed the table and the company she must have felt a bit different. Everything is different, but we are moving forward, and we are still a happy family.

I missed Robert alot this weekend. Alot. As I sorted through a bag that has literally been sitting in my dining room for months, we move it from the chair to the floor back to the chair as needed...as I rummaged through this bag so that I could move it to its proper place, I found a notebook of Robert's. It was a typical school notebook, one that he had while at St. Jude. His name was written on the upper right hand corner, I knew when I opened it I would find a treasure...so, I opened it. On the first page there was a pencil drawing of a Yoda character that a dear friend sent him while he was inpatient at St. Jude. That drawing gave me the timetable for the picture. Robert was smack in the middle of transplant. The next page was a simple little drawing of a silly happy face with the words, "Happy Days!" written beneath it...I smiled when I saw this, I gently touched the preserved image. I turned the page to see if there was anything else in the book. Nothing else was drawn in this book, only these two drawings. However, as I turned the third page something caught my eye. In the glare from the light I could see the impression from the page before. I could see how much pressure Robert used to draw the picture that said "Happy Days!" I could see the impression, I could touch it...

This impression amazed me. I thought about what Robert was going through at the time of his drawing. I remember it all so vividly. I marveled at how it was almost two years since that drawing was made and the impression was still evident. I found comfort in this...it comforted me that my son's impression on a page could comfort and encourage me so long after he left it there. Robert had managed to unwittingly leave an impression on his mother's life that would give her strength long after he was gone.

I wondered what kind of "impression" my life is leaving during its darkest of hours. I wondered how a child who was suffering in the most heinous of ways could take the time to leave such an impression. I would have given up many times I am afraid if I had to endure what he did. Yet, even though he was weak beyond measure, he had hope, he had courage, he wanted to live...

This little drawing may have only been something silly to him. I am grateful it was not one that was looked upon as not good enough to keep and hence ripped from the book to be discarded...I am grateful that a year and a half later, as I -Robert's Mom- walked around the house in the same shoes he wore as he walked the halls of the hospital, found this silly drawing.

He left quite an "impression" on me. I could only hope that anything I might do in my life would merit leaving an "impression" on someone long after I am gone...

Have a lovely day. Peace to you all.
Kathy

Thursday, February 26, 2004 8:29 PM CST

Hello there. Another weekend is here. This has been a very good week.

I cannot believe it, but Saturday the 28th is Jessica's 14th birthday! That amazes me~ she is amazing!!! I hope she has a great day. We are going to do whatever she wants, and the plan is to have a group party later with her two best friends whose birthdays are around this time as well. Please feel free to send lotsw of Happy Birthday wishes to the birthday girl in the guestbook! You know she reads them.

It has been a tremendous blessing to have Marieke here. She has helped me so much with getting the kids from school so that I do not have to worry about them while starting my new job. Which by the way is going great...it has been interesting to hear her perspective on actually being here with us after spending this year watching our life unfold through this page. She says it is sort of strange to see how different everything is now-Jeff and I are no longer together...Robert not being here...the last time Marieke was with us we were all here. She says it is good to see how we are living-good to see us all happy...

It is strange for me as well. Strange to have someone here remembering how we "used" to be, and having to know as we really are now...it is important for me to be able to keep those I love connected to my life. It is important for me to be able to let them see and get used to how our life is now.

This weekend will be a busy one as usual. B ball games Saturday, birthday fun Saturday night-I believe there is a sleepover on the horizon for the birthday girl this weekend. God continues to be faithful to us in the way we know He cares for us each and every day.

Peace to you,
Kathy

Tuesday, February 24, 2004 11:43 AM CST

Good day friends...those of you who are very saavy might note the time of this post-yes it is the middle of the day, and yes, I am at work! Don't get too scared just yet, I am the one who is gun shy remember?

We managed to navigate our way down and into the Miami Airport to pick up our guest. That experience in itself is always a tale, the airport down there leaves much to be desired. However, the ride home in the traffic left me bedridden, literally. I was so sick from a motion sickness and migraine by the time I got home that I was in the bed and not moving from about 7 pm. I have always had to watch my dizziness and such, since I was a child-last night it got me good! Anyway, I am just fine today-I think...

The kids are at school, I am at work-what a concept! What a lovely group of people I am going to be working with. I never thought I would be working in a musueum, for a Historical Society, but here I am. Very happy to be here I might add...

The drive here was long, but I can see that it is going to be one that draws me back to my roots and such...I work near the water again-sans the high corporate atmosphere of the last place I worked near the water. Driving here heading toward the beach of course brought many thoughts of my Robert to me, and reminded me of my special summer I spent last year with the kids...I believe this new job will allow plenty of room for our late day trips to the beach this summer again.

I will have no time to post this evening, so I wanted to give you all a bit of a heads up.

Have a lovely day, take good care...Peace, Kathy

Monday, February 23, 2004 7:55 AM CST

Good day. Is it me, did I blink, how did I manage to miss the month of February? I know it is a short one, but this is a bit insane...maybe it is because this month is packed with many dates and such that keep this family moving foward and in a constant state of motion.

This past weekend was a lovely one. The kids' games on Saturday are alot of fun. We spend almost the entire day there on some Saturdays, I know we will all miss it when it is over...Both Matthew and Christina are very good at playing ball-everyone looks to their Dad for this ability, they all have high expectations of them because he is such a ball player himself. The games get so intense I often will watch to see if Jeff is going to jump out of his skin with some of the calls being made and such...of course, it is I who needs to be watched with regards to jumping out of their skin and such when bad calls are made...I may not survive the high school years of ball playing!

Today the house is a buzz with excitement. We have a special visitor coming to stay for the month. A couple of years ago we had a German exchange student stay with us. Her name is Marieke, she was here the year that Robert was diagnosed. Unfortunately, that whole situation made for some times that were not so easy on her while she was here...the kids and I grew very close to Marieke while she was here. I am so looking forward to having her here with us. Figures I would be starting work tomorrow with a houseguest coming. It is a good thing though-I am certain Marieke will need to eat while she is here! The last time she came over was right after we brought Robert home from St. Jude. I do not rememember spending one moment with her, she was with the children mostly and she really needed and wanted to see Robert before he passed away.

I have been busying myself with housework and such and gearing up for my new job tomorrow...I did manage to make it to church on Saturday night. I am pleased to say that going to church is becoming less painful and such...I can at least walk in the doors without wanting to fall apart now. Pastor told a story at the end of his service...he ended with "NO RESERVES, NO RETREAT, NO REGRETS..." Well, this statement really hit home for me. I realized during Robert's illness that I had begun to live like this...as I fought for Robert's life, and my family's well-being as well as my own, reserves were never a concern, I knew there was no retreating (cancer does not let you hide) and there could never be any regrets...

This is my goal now. To love without anything safe to fall back on-no reserve; to live without fear and a desire to retreat into the abyss; and to remember that regrets can only lead me into bitterness and more sorrow...I may not be certain of my "mission" in this life-I may not be as this man was who penned this phrase and abandoning all my wealth and worldly goods to save the world, but, I am a Mom, a woman, a friend, a co-worker, a typical human being who wants to make a difference even if it is only in one person's life...

May this day find you well. "...People who love peace will have a tomorrow." Psalm 37:37

Peace, Kathy

Friday, February 20, 2004 8:12 AM CST

Good Friday morning. I just read in the guestbook from one of you perfect strangers asking if it is strange that she cannot begin her day without first checking in on a family she does not even know...I suggest to you, that isn't it even more strange that this Mom, me, cannot truly start her day without coming to a page and writing to "perfect strangers". Okay, I know many of our family members and friends who do actually know us read here, that makes it even stranger-eh? I am beyond grateful that anyone is still following along with the Charlton version of "reality" life at its best. Who needs the Osbourne's when you have the antics of the likes of the Charltons? They may have their crazy dogs, but do they have a Pembroke Welsh Corgy named Prince Thomas Cruiser named for a lost son's favorite car? A dog who is plagued by seizures and other insanities...good thing I do not tell you the stories about the cats and other dog Angel!

Anyway, I was driving along this morning after dropping the second child off at school on my way back to collect the third child for the trip to school, I began to think of Robert-as usual. I drive by the cemetary where his physical body is laid to rest every single day-morning, afternoon, and some nights. I thought of how Robert had the uncanny ability to live in his own skin. I know any of you who read this here who knew him, will understand. Those who knew Robert best knew him to be a boy who was beyond happy with who he was as a person. Robert was someone who knew how to be content with whatever situation he was in and knew how to enjoy it. When Robert was with you, he was with you...he never really had that anxiousness about him that some of us have that keeps us from living in the moment and from living in our own skin and circumstance. I am learning to live this way. I am living this way...I find myself remembering my time with Robert. I think about all the time that he and I got to spend together. Unfortunately, this time was brought upon us because of the onset of his illness. Yet, the time we spent together has changed me forever. It was time that reinforced every ounce of who I ever thought myself to be as a person, and as a mother. I thought of how Jeff must cherish his moments that he shared with Robert. They had many moments together, they were inseparable. I began to realize that those who knew Robert had that feeling. When Robert was with you, he was with you-no one else...

Very rarely did Robert even allow the usual childlike ways and behaviors creep in when he wanted to go somewhere, or when he became bored. You know the behaviors I refer to...the kind that bring with them whining and begging to be taken somewhere, like "Pirate's Cove" when he used to visit his cousins...it seems that much of our lives are spent with us wanting to be somewhere else, or be someone else. I know much of my life has been spent longing for more, or something different. Not for Robert-he savored the moment. He taught me that art. It is an art you know. Many of us do not ever come to that place in our life, many of us find it as we mature and get used to our skin, and accept that it is truly who we are...

For me, I have finally learned that I can be funny, I can be quiet. I am learning much about how our words affect one another. Sometimes it is much better to say and speak of nothing than of that which we think others want and need to hear. In being true to ourselves even if it brings about silence, than we are being true to others-true to our Lord.

This is the last journal entry in Robert's journal...I remember these days from this year like many others I pray I never forget. These days mark the days of the beginning of Robert's journey leaving this place. It is when he relapsed...Journal page dated February 20, 2002- "Daytona"

" Last night me, my dad, and the whole PBA basketball team took a bus up to Daytona for a basketball game against Embrey Riddle. It took 3 hours to get there non including the bathroom brakes. I rode in the front of the bus by the driver he let me open and close the door every time we stopped.
When we arrived at Embrey Riddle the team headed strate to the locker rooms to do chaple. (They do that every game). When they got there jurseys on the team went out to the court to warm up. I also warm up with them sometimes. Right before the game Coach Wells gives his prep talk to the players then it's game time."

Life was so simple for Robert. Granted he was only 11 yrs. old. At the time when he wrote about this night he spent with the team, he had been on a rigorous chemotherapy treatment for a year. He had undergone surgery, taken countless pills, and spent time in the PICU, and at the time of this event, Robert had 57ukemia cells in his bone marrow...Robert knew how to live in his own skin, in the moment...and also, lived with a disease that would eventually take his life.

Peace to you and yours...Kathy

P.S. Okay, so I just smacked myself and said a big, "Duh!" Jessica completed her try out/audition last night. It took her almost 3 hours. She was required to do a still life drawing, a sculpture depicting 'tension', write an essay, and do gesture drawings. We will not have any results for a couple of months. I of course know that she did her best! Jessica seemed to feel pretty good about her performance, I know that she knows she did the best she could and that is what counts!

Wednesday, February 18, 2004 1:53 PM CST

Good day-or rather, good afternoon. I am still fighting getting out of bed in the mornings as early as I was used to...I was toying with the idea of getting a cold about a week ago, and it was making me very sleepy. No cold, so now I must get up and moving early so as to have enough time to get the day going in the right direction. I have not been walking, and I miss it terribly.

Last night while talking with someone in the family, they inquired about Matthew and Christina. They informed me that I needed to write more about them...I have thought of this all the day long. Right now the two of them are out in the front driveway shooting hoops. I love watching these two together. They play together and get along so well. Each of them is equipped with a very tender heart. I love how sensitive they can be toward each other, in spite of the fact that they are brother and sister! I watched them yesterday as they came up the walk-...they were taking turns pushing each other on the skooter.

It seems that Matthew and Christina have grown so much this year-physically and emotionally. I have said it many times here on this page, these children are brave. I admire that tenacity in them. I also admire the fact that these two are children that are not afraid to speak their minds and share what they are feeling. They stop me in my tracks on many occasions to pause and listen and hear what they are saying. Watching them play basketball has been the most fun. Matthew is quite the little athlete. So is Christina, but Matthew is like the Flash when he plays ball. He cracks everyone up as he stands ready to dash on his tip-toes down the court. Every time Christina dashes down the court, I see her older brother Robert. She is most like Robert I have noticed lately. She reminds me of him so much...mostly when she plays ball. Her stature is similar to his, and the ways she runs is just like Robert. Matthew has such a style that is all his own, he will not be mistaken for his brother.

Some times I find myself thinking of how much of their short lives has been deeply effected by tragedy. A large portion of it...Matthew has lived with too much reality since before he was 4. This year as Jeff and I have divorced, they have had to adjust to many new things again. Jeff will be remarrying at the end of March. I am happy to report that in spite of all the changes the children are happy, healthy and confident about life. They are very happy for their Dad, they are enjoying building a new relationship with their soon to be Step Mom. Knowing all of the changes the kids have faced this year, makes me that much more grateful that they are willing and able to speak from their hearts to us, their parents.

I read a little story today that has been cirulating around via email. It is one about a boy whose mother has died from cancer and he is slipping away bit by bit. One of his teachers touches his heart and reaches him just in time to keep him from being lost forever...in our life, I pray all the time that none of my other children are "lost" because of the tragedy of cancer. Cancer changed this family forever...it took Robert from us. I used to tell Jessica while we were away fighting for Robert's life, that just as I was not willing to lose him to cancer, I was not willing to lose any of my children to the disease...and so it is now.

That is my prayer. As our Lord continues to shine through each of our lives, none of us would become casualties to this complicated mess. I pray that the children continue to grow and change and know that our Lord is the glue, the love, the hope that we all can know.

I am grateful to be able to be starting a job that embraces the fact that I am a Mom, and appreciates it...I could not have held out much longer waiting for one that did not hold the fact that I am a "single" Mom against me...could you imagine me working and having to "ignore" the three amazing children I have! No way.

Tomorrow Jess will try out for her spot in the School of the Arts. Talk about bravery-she is definitely brave.

Spring is on the way...stay warm.
Peace,
Kathy

Tuesday, February 17, 2004 5:27 AM CST

Good day. I hope this finds those of you who still read here well, and for those of you who do not read here, I hope you are well too, but you will not even know it! :)

Let me first say-All is well. I have not been lost in a vortex, or pursuaded to leave the country to find a job-I actually found one here! The children are well. They continue to amaze me at their ability to cope with the present, yet keep their eyes, minds and hearts moving forward. They are brave souls that is for sure, they have to be, they live with me! School is going well for them. Jessica has her "audition" for the High School for the Arts this week. I know she really wants to get in there, it is a very tough audition and takes 3 hours to go through. It will be some time before we know her results from her audition. I will keep you posted on that one.

Yes, I did say that I have a job. I actually have a job. I start next Tuesday, and I do not anticipate getting a call firing me before I even get there! I will be working for the Loxahatchee Historical Society and Museum. I am very excited about my job. I will be a Program Coordinator/Administrative Assistant. The Society has 500 members and about 100 volunteers that I will be coordinating. They have a gift shop and museum in which I will be working. They are also in charge of running the Jupiter Lighthouse facility. The hours of operation are such that I will be able to continue to drive Jessica and all the kids to school in the morning. I will also not be getting home so late in the day as to burden Jess with having to keep the little ones in check for too long after they get home. My job is only four or five days a week. I start next Tuesday. So, should I get caught up with the laundry this week while I have the chance?

I do not have much of a good reason for why I have not been writing. I have found myself facing many new personal issues. I have been lacking in much self-confidence, and I have been missing Robert terribly and in almost a new way. I cannot believe it has been so long since he left here. Last Saturday at Matthew's game I could not stop thinking of Robert-and it has not stopped. I went on three job interviews last week, stayed very busy...I have not been getting up and ready as I usually do in the wee hours of the morning...I have been very sleepy. I was not sure if I was fighting a cold, or just so sad and a bit depressed. I felt like I was stuck in "dysfunction junction".

I began to realize that "dysfunction junction" can be a comforting place. It was wierd for me. Wierd for me to realize that I might actually be comforted by feeling sorry for myself, and allowing myself to stay in a place in my mind and heart that knows it should not believe or accept. But, in realizing this about myself, I realized how human I am...how necessary it is to stay focused, keep moving forward-to look at my children and their brave little hearts and minds and keep moving forward.

Last Thursday I received a call from a friend. My friend is the mother of a little girl named Jessica-Jessica has leukemia. Seems she was in the hospital with pneumonia. My heart ached as I thought of her little sweetie so sick...then she shared with me that another of my friends from St. Mary's had relapsed. Kyle Pacheco has relapsed with his cancer. All of this hit me in such a strange way-I had been at lunch with two other Mom's whose children were in the fight against their own diseases, and then this phone call. Kyle's Mom, Kathy, is a very dear friend to me-we are as you say, kindred spirits. One of the first things she asked me was, "what date was Robert's relapse?" I told her February 21st. She thought it had been the same day as Kyle, February 12th.

Needless to say, reality is not easy. It was as if my mood and such mirrored much of what was going on that was not being seen by the human eye. So many around me are battling for the simple right to a healthy life. My heart aches for them. I wanted to tell all of those Moms to keep fighting, to never give up! Actually I had to stop myself from standing on a roof top somewhere and yelling it at the top of my lungs...never give up-keep fighting.

We are here, we are moving forward. I have a job, I am actually excited about! Prince is barking in his crate and ready to get up and out! I must go wake the children for school...life goes on, all is well.

Take good care, Peace to you. Kathy

Tuesday, February 10, 2004 7:52 AM CST

Good day all. Okay, I cannot believe it is almost Valentine's Day...wasn't it just Thanksgiving? Then Christmas? Eeh Gads!

I will be brief here this morning...the children are all off at school. I am off to a job interview. I honestly have no idea what I am going to be interviewed for this morning...it is with a mortgage company, and someone that I met through a mutual friend sort of thing...we shall see. NO stone should be left unturned at this point, right?

Have a lovely day, Peace to you. Kathy

Monday, February 9, 2004 5:53 AM CST

Good day. I am grateful to see it is a new Monday morning.

Whew! Truly I wondered if I would get through this weekend. Getting blindsided by sadness and overwhelmed with life all at the same time can take a toll on a gal, ya know. I am here to testify to anyone who would hear, God is faithful. He not only reached down and touched my hurting heart, He sent love to me in the form of a human. He sent an old friend to bring comfort, and reinforced me with someone very special to my heart that I did not realize I needed so much.

The children had a wonderful weekend with their Dad. They played their games on Saturday, and then Saturday night they joined the Finestones at a Dance-a-thon. Sunday they went bowling! It was wonderful to have them home last night, it was wonderful to have some time to myself to get my thoughts together...

I read a beautiful story in the "Parade" magazine insert from Sunday's paper. It was about loving and losing one's first love. One woman wrote, and her words summed up exactly how and what I was feeling this weekend..."I'm not losing my mind, I'm just missing him." She went on to say...the lesson is always the same, "Life HAS to end, Love does NOT."

"Life has to end, love does not." Amen.

Finally, in church Saturday night I came to this final thought...as always, to God be the glory, Great things He has done.

Peace to you. All is well. Kathy

Thursday, February 5, 2004 6:57 PM CST

Good day...I am here. Somewhere...funny how some of you wrote in the guestbook, hitting on exactly some things that are in the forefront of my mind. Christi, me and shopping-girl you don't want to go there...it is depressing! Martha, I have been wondering about you and Ryan lately-I wondered as I drove by the house the other day if Ryan still had Robert's photos up in his room, if he talked about him still, I wondered if Robert's "other Mom" still missed him so...now I know.

Today is my birthday-I am 37. It is strange for me. This day has been different than most birthdays, in many ways. Many in my family know and understand how very difficult birthdays are for me. This one did not bring about the same sort of deep sadness that surrounds me for days before it...but, I must admit, today I am very sad, in my heart. I am missing Robert terribly. It dawned on me this morning. It is very hard to move through the motions of life mourning for my child. My birthday in the past was very painful because of one that was shared with my Dad when he was very ill. I realized today that every birthday I celebrate now reminds me of the distance between the last one I spent with Robert-it also reminds me of the one spent with him when he was so sick and then diagnosed-that one looms in my memory with such reality that I cannot accept that it is all over...

I thought tonight of how though I miss my Dad so very much, it is so very different than the way I miss Robert. Moving away from my Dad's death was nothing like this. I had a lifetime of memories banked up from my time with my father-granted it too was cut short, but nothing like Robert's life. I simply did not have enough life with him. I know it is all I get, that we all got of him, but, it is so sad to know that most of my life will be lived without him-and today, I am sad-even though it is different. It is not so consuming, but it is very heavy on my heart.

I can look back on this year and see how much we have all grown and been blessed in spite of everything. Truly, I can...I heard the following song yesterday on the radio-it reminded me of ME! It is by the artist, Jewel-entitled, "Hands".

Hands
If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all ok
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after

We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken

In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters

I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own and I am never broken
We are never broken
We are god's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are god's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are god's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
We are god's hands
We are god's hands

I love the part that says, 'in the end only kindness matters...'and the part that says, 'poverty stole your golden shoes, but it did not steal your laughter...'

Last night as I gazed up at the full moon, looked upon the sunset that took my breath away-I thought of Robert. Finally, when I gazed up again and saw a falling star, I knew he saw me too-I have never seen a falling star like that-in the city we don't get that too much, it was early in the evening too, it had not been dark for long...and there it was a bright shining star, it had caught my eye, and then it fell-and I watched it all in such awe. I know that if it was at all possible, then Robert would have been here for me this day, and he sent me a sign.

The children are well. They baked me a cake. They made me a beautiful birthday banner. My Mom surprised me and returned home early from being out of town...Jeff and the kids sang Happy Birthday to me on the phone...my "special someone" made sure I knew how cared for that I am...thank you to all the friends who remembered me and called and wrote...

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to stop by and read along. God bless you.

Peace to you. Kathy

Tuesday, February 3, 2004 7:47 AM CST

Good day. Did ya miss me...Sharon I do love your optimism, started a job, or at a job interview, very funny! The day just simply got away from me and before I knew it the time came to pick up the children and be Mom Taxi again...

I have had no word from the college regarding the position I interviewed for the other day...I was told I would not hear anything until the end of this week. So, I am still searching. The kids games were alot of fun. I am really enjoying our Saturdays at basketball. It is nice to be all together like that. I had to chuckle as I read through the classified ads for a job possibility, and saw the place in Palm Beach that hired and fired me is still looking for someone to fill the spot! Big surprise, I wonder how many others "she" hired and fired?

I found myself thinking of Maria this morning. As I was sweeping and mopping the gross floors in my house I thought of the last conversation I had with her. Maria and I talked about our homes and family life that last time we spoke. We started out with general trivial conversation. I told her how the dogs make me even more crazy than I already am. We talked about the constant upkeep of a house with children. She was so sweet...Maria was the kind of woman that always looked together-her clothes, her house, always impeccable. She never made you feel bad about yourself being this way, but you always noticed it about her...so, she said to me, "it is about what is acceptable to you." I thought about this statement this morning as I cleaned the floors. I thought about what is acceptable to me in my life now.

It is amazing to me that in the natural progression of life and maturity things that were once unacceptable are now accepted, and some things that were acceptable are now unaccepted. My house pretty much sums up my life and my level of tolerance. I will let it go to a certain point. I will, can and do ignore certain messes and junk lying around for the greater good. I mean I choose not to scream and holler about it all the time and tolerate it as much as possible. It really makes me crazy inside though...same thing with this job situation. I made choices about what is acceptable to me and acceptable for my family. So, as unacceptable as it is for me to pay my phone bill with a credit card, I have made it acceptable for now.

Of course I speak of trivial and non-life issues...but, I thought of my friend's words this morning as I cleaned my floors. I remembered how to her at the end of her life a little bit of mess and such had become acceptable...she had set her time and energy on focusing on what words she would leave for her children to carry with them for the rest of their lives. We spoke of this. Maria told me how difficult it was to find a way to put a lifetime of mothering into a couple of months. Yet, she was striving to do just that. I am certain that at the beginning of her mothering years, Maria would never have thought that she would have to accept that she was dying and would be forced to leave her children and husband. I am certain that would have been completely unacceptable to her, yet in the end, she managed to face it, accept it, and find a way to think past her dying days...

I have in my own life been forced to reckon with that which is unacceptable to me at the very core of my being...some choices were forced upon me, some I made with a sound mind. Within both scenarios, I am finding blessings and reckoning, forgiveness, and peace...I am grateful.

Just a day, just an ordinary day...just trying to get by...

Peace to you all. Kathy

Friday, January 30, 2004 5:13 AM CST

Good Friday. Another Friday, another weekend, another weeks looms ahead...here we go!

The children have their games this weekend. It has been so nice for us to have something to share all together like this. The kids are loving it. They have also grown to love going to their Dad's games-he coaches at a local Christian School-boys varsity basketball.

Robert's journal page dated, February 1, 2002 reads like this: "This Weekend"
'This weekend I'm going to the fair. It'll be my first time going to a fair. From what I hear the south florida fair is the best fair yet to come! The rides at the south florida fair are pretty cool. I really like the games at the fair my uncle said to just bring $100 to play games and go on some of the rides like the roller coaster. Some of my friends are going to go also. My mom says it's best to go now scents it's the Fairs last weekend and not so many people will be there. Well that's whats going on at my house this weekend.'

This page of Robert's sort of cracks me up. I giggled as I read it and thought of how many commercials that boy must have watched about the fair on t.v. because his page sounds like a commercial for the fair! I also grinned when I realize that 2 years ago we were doing pretty much the exact same thing we are doing this weekend. It is the last weekend of the fair, and we are going to basketball. Maybe I should head out to the fair just to honor Robert! It also is a strange sort of connection to realize that we are doing something Robert did before he left us...as I discover more of the things Robert did do during his short lifetime it eases some of the pain from realizing all that he will not be doing here.

This time of year always bring Robert to life again very vividly in my mind. It seems to me that we have been speaking of him a little more lately. I speak of his journey to many people, almost daily. I think of him all the time. Part of my Friday routine includes visitng the cemetary going to Robert's spot...now Maria shares this spot as well.

Another thing I have been doing lately, not only do I go back and read Robert's journal, but I go back and read mine. For me to be able to go back and read an account of my state of mind and heart during that time is important to me. I read some of my thoughts and can feel the ache that filled my gut and I wonder how I survived to this year. I remember how I honestly felt as if I was withering away to nothing...I am grateful that I found a way to move past that time-grateful that I am finding ways to live a healthy happy life. I believe in reflection, not regret.

Reflection can be very painful at times, yet, very healing as well. I hope that as we venture to become all that we hope to be in this life, our reflections encourage us, not discourage us...I hope that though painful at times, taking stock can be a very good thing.

Have a lovely weekend. Be happy-"There is a sun that shines in my heart. It is stronger than the coldest winter in my life." Don't look now, but some of my sunshine just crept out of bed to greet me with a big hug and an I love you...

Peace to you, all is well. Kathy

Thursday, January 29, 2004 8:57 AM CST

Good day. I am off to a late start this morning. Taking my time and all...the children are all at school, but it is an "early release day". That means that the elementary aged children's school day ends at 11:30, and middle school ends at 1:00pm. So, pretty much by the time the kids get to school on days like this, it is time to turn around and go fetch them!

I have just one thought that came to me this morning-one thought that has brought about many others, but I will leave just the one here for today...I keep going back to that story about the crippled man whose friends brought him to Jesus. I have gone back to that scene in my mind many times this week (every pastor's dream, a parishoner who heard what he said...:). Anyway, I have spoke about reconciliation, and forgiveness...I have thought much about both of these this week.

It impressed me how Jesus looked upon this crippled man and according the account did not even ask this man his name. Jesus asked nothing of this man about his faith his life...or anything. He looked upon this man in his broken state and told him "your sins are forgiven..." I thought to myself this morning that the crippled man probably would not even have noticed he was still crippled if he had been left that way upon hearing those words from Christ. I thought of how Jesus obviously saw this man's obvious problem. He did not question how or what did this to the man...he probably saw how broken and downtrodden this weary man must have been, he probably understood all too well the ridicule and insinuating whispers this man must have heard his entire life as others judged his condition and wondered what he had done to deserve his plight...Jesus understood that this man probably had even wondered that about himself. He knew that not only was this man obviously crippled, but he had no peace.

So I figure that maybe, just maybe upon receiving forgiveness and eternal life through that forgiveness that man could have lived crippled for the rest of his life. He probably felt such a peace in his heart that he would not have minded remaining as he came there. The fact that he was healed in his lifetime to me was extra grace- I refer to as "gravy", or "icing on the cake."

In my own personal experience, the peace that dwells deep within me brings about healing. The knowledge of the forgiveness and acceptance I can know from reading such accounts as these brings me peace. To know that I can come before a Lord that wants to heal a broken downtrodden heart without question compels me to love. The faith and devotion of this man's friends may have been what brought him to the feet of Christ, but it was this man's heart that craved to be whole again is what truly changed him in the end...

How amazing that our Lord thought to show us how he can work through the devotion and faithfulness of others...how amazing that He showed us how He looks upon the heart and heals from within.

Peace to you all. Kathy

Wednesday, January 28, 2004 5:53 AM CST

Good day. One month until Jessica's 14th birthday! I cannot believe it is almost February-Wow!

My job interview seemed to go well yesterday. The office would be a welcome environment for me I can tell. I have been connected in one form or another all these years with my old alum, it seems a good fit to be back working there again. I had to chuckle though, most all the staff are college age people-I would be the old lady on the block! :) We shall see. The director doing the hiring said he hopes to make a decision by the end of next week.

My interview was interesting. It has been curious to go through so many interviews in so many different ways. It is amazing being put on the spot with so many different questions. This one was a bit different because the college is a faith based institution, so he asked me about my faith. I thought to myself about another aspect of my life that I realized in church the other night. It was in regards to my "testimony". Those of you who have attended church where they encourage you to have your testimony ready to share at any time know what I mean by this. In many church settings they encourage you to develop a way to express your testimony so that it could be shared at any time...I thought to myself in church the other night how my testimony is all new. I remembered the standard testimony about my life before and my life since I had come to know Christ...and now I realize that since Robert died, I have an entirely new testimony.

I have an entirely new faith. Okay, so maybe it is not new, but it is different. I shared with my interviewer how in losing Robert and the changes my family was going through I began to realize I was going back to my "roots". The roots of my initial faith. I recalled how as a lonely, empty teenager when I searched for something to fill that spot, I found it in my Lord. I realized then as I do now my faith stems from deep within my heart and is brought about from a longing to know God. As I sat in church I thought of how my life has changed in the past few years...how I have let it change, and how it has changed me...

I also recognized that is a big part of why Jeff and I did not stay together. For me in the end, it was the fact that in my heart there were no "roots" to go back to...there needed to be a deep sense of belonging that was not there-this of course was not easy for me to admit or act upon. Many times in life we pull from that which we do not see that we trust is in our hearts and minds somewhere. We live by faith not just in our relationship to God, but in our relationships with each other...we bank on past experiences and 'feelings' to get us through times that are no so clear...that is what I refer to as glue.

So you see, for me, I am able to realize that much of life's circumstances are just that- life's circumstances and they are not the glue that holds it together. I am banking on past experiences, past trust, past knowledge that the things in life right now will work themselves out...even the tough times that may exist within a family. I believe in reconciliation. It may not come in the form that the world may think is appropriate, but reconciliation comes in many shapes and sizes-our Lord can "right" any situation-it is a matter of the heart and being forgiven.

Well, apparently I rambled a bit-quite the job interview, eh? I must get the children up and ready for school. I am sure they will not want to wake up-they were up late last night! This should be fun ;) wish me luck!

Peace to you, Kathy

Tuesday, January 27, 2004 5:20 AM CST

Good day. Let's see, I need to find a way to bottle up some of the steamy heat that we are having and send it north-see if I send it north, anywhere north, then it should cover a multitude of you in the cold! I cannot relate to being so cold for more than about a day or two...I hope you are keeping warm!

Apparently our good buddy Zachary Finestone ended up in the hospital after he was hanging with the kids on Saturday. I watched he and Matthew play all morning and he really seemed fine. So, I am hoping that it was just some sort of virus that nipped him one. According to his school they sent home a batch of kids with the same symptoms as Zach on last Friday. Okay Zman, remember we are all pulling for you. I hate when I hear of my friend's children that are still fighting so hard getting hit with this kind of "minor" stuff...it brings reality home real fast. Even now there is so much I as a Mom who has been there forgets...

Don't get too excited, but I have a job interview today. I am actually going to work at the Kravis this morning, and then the interview this afternoon. This job is actually in a place that I would like to work-Palm Beach Atlantic. A very familiar place, and environment. So, we shall see. I must admit, also in church on Saturday night the Pastor told one of my favorite stories fromt the Bible. He told the story of the friends who carried their paralytic friend to Jesus and lowered him into the room where Jesus was. They were so determined they opened up the roof and lowered him right down to him. Jesus was so "impressed" by the friends devotion and determination he said that because of them the man's sins were forgiven.

In forgiving this man, Jesus restored him and in turn healed his body-I found myself thinking of how many people I have in my life that seem to use my faith to encourage them in their lives...yet, I sat there and realized that it is the faith of folks like you in me and my life that encourage me and help me to find my way to being restored in my faith and life. Thank you. I also found myself grateful that when Jesus looked upon this man crippled and broken for his entire life, he did not see his flaws, he saw right into his heart and saw what he really needed, reconciliation.

Life and living is about layers to me. For me to have reconciliation with my Lord, with myself and with others, means I can live. It means that the layers that bury me and I hide behind have been pulled back and healed...hopefully making me a better person in the end.

It is good to know that someone believes in us. It is good to know that even if in our human flesh we feel that there is no one who believes in us, we can know that the Lord does and He loves us as we are.

Peace to you. Kathy

Monday, January 26, 2004 5:46 AM CST

Good Monday morning! I hope that you all had a restful weekend. I did! The children seemed to have a good weekend, they were with Jeff for the weekend.

Seems that we are all settling into the new routine that is our family life. Even me. The kid's basketball games were alot of fun. It is nice to be there all together. The kids love the audience, and love the game. Matthew's team won, even though we are not supposed to pay attention to the score...Christina's team did much better this week. Matthew scored three baskets; I may never be able to get him to wear his shorts right side out now. He played the entire game with his shorts inside out and will probably think it a good luck charm. Watch out Michael Jordan. Anyway, it is alot of fun to be around old friends, and make some new ones. Matthew and Christina also had birthday parties both days and they all went to the beach. All in all they seemed to have a nice weekend.

I actually went to church on Saturday night. A very special person in my life accompanied me. It was very nice. I was set to go alone and was glad that I did not have to go alone. It was very right for me to be there Saturday night. Pastor spoke on the bottom line...the bottom line of how we are born with this need to be reconciled from our rebellious ways...born with a need for healthy relationships. It really struck a chord within me. I have realized that I have made choices that may have been born out of a rebellious nature, but that I can and am forgiven, and that does not mean that I cannot have and need healthy relationships with others and with God.

The most amazing thing happened to me while we sang. We began to sing an old hymn, "Holy, Holy Holy...Lord God Almighty." I had the most remarkable thought as I sang those words, holy, holy, holy-I thought of heaven. I thought of Robert. I thought of how in heaven the Bible tells us that the multitudes sing out "holy, holy, holy..." in the presence of God. I thought to myself, "Robert you could be singing these very words right now in the presence of God." I felt as though we were worshipping the Lord in unison. This notion gave me such peace. I have not quite figured out what I believe literally, or figuratively about heaven-such as 'are the streets really paved of gold?'...but, this I believe we will be in a constant state of worship-in that moment as the multitude in the church sang out 'holy, holy, holy...' I felt that Robert was singing right along with us...that we were worshipping the same Lord at the same time. I am certain that a theologian somewhere would be able to debate this with me...I am certain it is a bit naive of me-a Mom grasping at straws...but, the feeling of singing with my son was very real nonetheless...and I was grateful to our Lord for it.

Another week is upon us. I will continue to try to fix the mess that is my life...I am not so amused by it at this point...but, I know in the end, all is well.

I am grateful that I have the strength and courage to sing out "Holy, Holy, Holy-Lord God almighty..."

Have a lovely day. Peace to you all. Kathy

P.S. How could I forget, thank you Finestone's for coming to the game on Saturday! You guys are a great addition and extension to the family!

Friday, January 23, 2004 8:41 AM CST

Good Friday. It is definitely Friday. Believe me I appreciate it. I was driving down the road yesterday on my way to retrieve Matthew at school-his school bus left without him-and it sort of hit me, tomorrow is Friday. I thought on this for a few moments, I thought of this time last year and how unbelievably difficult Fridays were for me. It was as if surviving a Friday meant I might survive any of this...well, here we are, a year later, on a Friday. I decided to spend the morning in the quiet of our home. I decided to spend this day like I did so many days this time last year, only this year, I will eat, I will not have the most empty hollow feeling in my stomach that comes from not eating and the pain in my right temple may subside because the stress that puts it there is a different stress. This Friday I will spend thinking much of my Robert, I miss him so...yet, this Friday I know I will survive...
"I stay close to you; your right hand upholds me." Ps 63:8
I read this on a bumper sticker yesterday...it said "stay close to God." Remember He is always close at hand...

From Robert's journal, dated January 18, 2037 (I have shared this one before...)
"I'm almost 48 years old. I have a wife and kids 3 that is. My is 48 years old her name is Caitlin we went to Elementary school together. My kids are 20, 21,24 there names are Andrew, Jacob, and Marine. Marine is the oldest, Andrew is the youngest, and Jacob's in the middle. I work at the mining facility by Jupiter. I drive a hovercraft 200,000,000 it's the fastest ever so I'm never late for work. My wife works at the nursing home where my good friend Ryan lives now. Me and Ryan go way far back into kindergarten through 12th grade. We've been buddys ever since. Bzzzzzz....Oh I'm going to be late to work! Bye!"

I love this journal page of Robert's. He wrote this during 5th grade while he was on treatment for his cancer. He had big plans. He had hope. He knew love, he had a best friend, he knew how to dream, live and plan...he even had a real life crush on the girl Caitlin he speaks of in this page...he talked about her all summer while at St. Jude. He danced one dance with her at his 5th grade dance. He lived so much in his 11 years. Never missed a moment. I am so proud of him for that...he taught me much.

The following are the lyrics to one of our favorite songs, it is by Vanessa Carlton, called "Ordinary Day". It reminds me so much of Robert...

"just a day, just an ordinary day
just tryin' to get by
just a boy, just an ordinary boy but
he was looking to the sky and
as he asked if I would come along
I started to realize that everyday
he finds just what he's lookin' for
and like a shooting star he shines,
and he said take my hand, live while you can,
don't you see your dreams
lie right in the palm of your hand"

Yes Robert, I will live while I can, and I will learn to see that the dreams I dream lie right in the palm of my hand...you were an ordinary boy but you knew so much of how to live...and yes, son-you shine! Maybe just maybe all those moments you spent day dreaming were because somewhere in your heart you were looking to the sky.

"and as he spoke, he spoke, ordinary words
thought they did not feel
for I felt what I had not felt before
and you'd swear those words could heal and
as I looked up into those eyes, his vision borrows mine
and I know he's no stranger
for I feel I've held him for all of time, and he said

please come with me, see what I see
touch the stars for time will not flee
time will not flee, can't you see...

just a day, just an ordinary day
just tryin' to get by
just a boy, just an ordinary boy, but
he was looking to the sky"

Yes, it is just a day, an ordinary day, a Friday no less...I got my three children up and ready for school. I visited my fourth child's grave on my way home...yes, just a day, an ordinary day..."I stay close to you, your right hand upholds me." Psalm 63:8

God bless you, keep warm. Peace to you all.
Kathy

Thursday, January 22, 2004 8:18 AM CST

Hello there. Good day. Sorry I did not keep my word and come back to the page yesterday...it was a bit of a strange day after all. I know it was just Wednesday, but a little strange to say the least.

Here goes nothing, see if you can keep up. I was called on Tuesday afternoon by the owner of the company I interviewed with. The one that I said did not sound as if it would be very flexible and such with regard to my family. Well, the owner called on Tuesday and I told her that I felt I needed to decline her offer. I told her that I could not work until 6pm and that I did not have appropriate childcare in place. Well, she asked when would I need to leave to be able to work, I told her 5pm. She said, "okay let's give it a go shall we?" "Can you start Wednesday, if not then Thursday..." I called back and told them I would start on Thursday bright and early. I knew that Matthew needed to have the last of his dental work completed on Wednesday morning and that he would not be able to go back to school that morning. So, that was the plan, I took a job! I was a little apprehensive, not too certain, but hey it was a job and I needed to "give it a go!"

I had also received a call from someone from church that wanted to interview me to work in their family dentistry practice. I told them I had taken a job but would meet with her just in case...I picked Jess up from school so that she could be home with Matthew when I went to the interview...we came home and I checked the messages. There was a message from someone in the office where I was to start work. She basically told me that the owner changed her mind and not to come in, but call them if I needed to! I could not believe it-I started laughing hysterically-I was fired before I ever even got to work. I told Jess that had to be a record!!! Now I have been known to return something before I even left the store with it, but fired before I did anything!!!!

I called the office. I spoke with the Public Relations person for the office-yes they have a PR person because they are very high profile...anyway, she apologized to me and said that "I was better off!" She said you do not want to work here, she told me that she thought I was wonderful and she really wanted to work with me, but...I asked her if there is alot of turnover in that office, she said "YES!" I told her good luck-that I thought she was lovely and hopefully will be happy in her job someday as well.

Jessica of course was relieved. She, like most of us, did not exactly have a warm fuzzy feeling about this job. I told her how interesting isn't it how God can work. So, I called back the other lady to set up the interview, I called another job prospect that I really wanted, and was told how wonderful I was but it was too late for that job, but another was coming up on couple of months...I followed up on two other jobs...I then got a phone call from a local private school saying they heard that I was interested in substituting there, and could I come in at 8am this morning to work? I ended up declining because I am going to interview somewhere in an hour...

So, needless to say yesterday got interesting. My best friend called me and informed that I have no business job hunting, she said I should be sitting home writing a book about A Day in the Life of a Lunatic!!!! Do you think I could get a publisher to give me an advance on the book so that I can write it!!! I would love a column in a newspaper or magazine somewhere!!!

Well, my friends, you just have to laugh!!! Here's a hint, when you watch the Golden Globe Awards, take note of the handbags, that is the company I was hired/fired from! I never was a big fan of alligator handbags anyway!

I must admit, as I drove to the dentist with Matthew and held his hand while we drove I could not have been happier. Then as I watched Jessica and Matthew taking a nap curled up together, I could not have been happier...when I picked Christina up from school and got a kiss from her, I could not have been happier...as I thought of how Robert must have been laughing with me at the insanity of life as he watched from heaven above, I smiled to myself-yes, I could be happier if he were here with me...but, I know he is watching us all.

To God be the glory-great things He has done.

Peace to you, all is well.
Kathy

Wednesday, January 21, 2004 5:26 AM CST

Good day. Well, I cannot believe I did this, but I just typed an entire page and lost it...Bummer!

Now it seems I am out of time to type...I must get the children up and moving for school. I shall return later. Sorry...Kathy

Tuesday, January 20, 2004 5:54 AM CST

Good day friends...did ya miss me?!? :) Just kidding...

I hope that you all had a lovely weekend. It was very nice around the Charlton household this weekend-nice to have a three day weekend. The children seemed to really enjoy themselves.

The basketball games were loads of fun. Both Matthew and Christina are on very competitive teams and they are both very competitive. They apparently inherited these tendencies from their Dad. I am totally non-competitive, even if it is a sale! It was so nice to be in that place again this year. We ended up being at the church almost the entire day because of when the games were scheduled. It was very nice though, even Jess managed to make one of the games-I was so pleased that the teenager in her did not convince her to sleep till noon and to have her there. I know it means alot to Matthew and Christina that she was there as well.

Yesterday Matthew and Jessica went to the Fair. Jessica was set on finding Scott Finestone and his Key Lime Bars. We had been talking about them and she decided that she needed to mooch one off him to eat so that she could finally taste one, and save some money! HA! That was for you Rebecca thank you for signing in the guestbook...Jess was pleased because she got a bonus, Zman was there with his Dad peddling ice cream bars-who could resist that cute kid with his bald head and all! I wonder if Zman's presence boosted sales at all? Unfortunately, Matthew did not get to the see them...I know that he would have loved that!

I was offered a job yesterday. Although it is a very interesting opportunity, right up my alley-I truly believe it is in the best interest of the family to decline. The main reason I must decline is the hours, they are 8:45 am-6pm. It is the 6pm part that is the kicker. I do not have any program that would take care of the kids after school for that long. I have already put Jess on notice that she may be bringing the kids home most afternoons, but that would be a long time for them to be home waiting for me. The office atmosphere is such that they could not be calling me with personal matters and I do not exactly get the feeling that it is at all flexible regarding family matters...so, I believe I must decline. I have two other job interviews, both better hours, and a bit more flexibility.

I am a bit frustrated to say the least with all of this. I am not very pleased with myself and my lack of ability to just bite the bullet and all of that. I know that the kids will be fine with me gone and the changes in our schedule...it just seems that I need to go into something that I think will be a good fit overall. Time is of the essence. I need to get my butt to work...I know it will all work out.

Thank you for checking in on us. Thank you for reading along. Thank you for supporting us...it means a great deal to me and this family.

Peace,
Kathy

Saturday, January 17, 2004 6:12 AM CST

Hello Saturday...I am not sure if anyone even reads here over the weekend, I have you all so conditioned to not expect a post from me! :) I remembered something on my walk this morning that I really wanted to write here...so, maybe if Ruth checks in she will at least have something new to read...

Today is the first set of games for the kids at First Baptist Church. Matthew and Christina both have games-it should be lots of fun, it will most definitely be interesting...As I mentioned the other day I have been going back to Robert's journal, again. I read the following entry from this time the last year he was here with us, I thought it so amazing to read as he talked about playing in this same league the kids are now playing in...

Robert's journal, dated January 14, 2002: "My First Game"
My first game is this upcoming Saturday against the Heat. I'm on the Lakers. I'm also very excited because I've got'n alot better over the weekand, I was going to bring out my technique on the other players. My coach Heard(Herb) Triplette is the owner of the league so we have the unfair advantage. Which I don't like one bit. Cause the other team's coaches are regular coaches. I'm just so excited I'm leaping with joy and that's all on the agenda for the weekend. I'm looking forward to my first game.

Reading this of course brings much happiness and sadness all at the same time. Robert as you read truly was so excited to get to play in his own basketball league. He probably really thought his coach "owned the league". Robert did nothing halfway, it was not in his nature...He had been to countless college basketball games with his Dad and the Palm Beach Atlantic team-he had wiped up lots of sweat, sat in many smelly locker rooms and watched all the techniques. It was his turn now.

It was almost painful to watch Robert play. His body did not respond to his commands as he was so used to in seasons past from baseball and such. He was bit top-heavy and his legs were skinny-you know the steroid look and chemo look. He still had his beautiful hair though, so many had no idea he had been undergoing cancer treatment for the past year...unfortunately, none of us had any idea that even during this first game his cancer was coming back. He managed to play a couple of games before he relapsed in February. I have the cherished team photo taken only days before we found out that he had 57eukemia in his bone marrow...he had been on treatment for a year. Even more mind boggling for me was when I realized that as Robert wrote these words and I could see and feel his excitement, this would be his only basketball season-none of us knew what would be his plight in the next few months...and then ending with him leaving...

So, as I thought on these things and read the pure exhilaration in my son's words about his weekend I was grateful I did not know then what I know now...I thought of this story and of how many people and how many times in my own life I fretted about the future...well, I must admit being able to look back upon this time has cured me of fretting over the future. I do not want to know.

Today my children play in their first basketball games. Today a plaque sits on a desk of the recreation facility at this church with Robert's picture in his uniform with the dates April 28, 1991-November 17, 2002...a plaque reminding us of a boy...Today we have much to look forward to, much to reflect on...

I am missing Robert more today than ever. I had to tell someone...

Have a good weekend, thanks for reading.
Peace, Kathy

Friday, January 16, 2004 5:40 AM CST

Good Friday friends. I must say it is amazing to me the powers that be that come in the form of two dogs that keep me from peace and quiet in the early morning...can't they see a gal just wants to write on her page!

We are all doing well. Jessica is feeling much better as far as her cold goes. She also seems to be recovering quite well in school in spite of the absences and such. I am beyond proud of how hard she is working and the work that she is doing. Jessica enjoys doing good work, and she is good at it! Matthew and Christina are still cruising the neighborhood...happy-go-lucky. Me, well, I am still chugging along. I have another job interview today. Still deciding about the one the other day. Good job, good people, good hours, but...I am not sure I can live off that one. It is all a balancing act is it not?

I want to share some thoughts with you that I had yesterday as I drove along. I of course was in one those moods where I could have kept on driving for hours and days...thank goodness I usually end up at a local mall and "hang out" there. I have always "hung out" at the mall for comfort-go figure-my best friend from my childhood can attest to this fact. Anyway, while driving the song "I Can Only Imagine" came on the radio. I usually cannot listen to this song. It has long since made my heart ache. It came out right at the time that we brought Robert home from the St. Jude. He used to love it. I would want to turn the station before he realized what song it was because it was so hard for me to listen to knowing that he himself would soon be in heaven. He would always catch me and listen to every word and note...we talked about it some as well. He never seemed scared at all about things of heaven.

So I indulged my mind and heart yesterday and listened to it as well. Of course the tears started streaming down my face. I immediately found myself in a quandry as I listened to the opening verse...the verse is about what it will be like "when I walk by your side, when my eyes will see, when your face is before me..." I realized that at this point in time all I can think about in heaven is Robert. Seeing him and holding him...I realized this as I listened to this song. It broke my heart to realize in my humanness I do not long for our Lord in heaven, right now, I long for my son. I thought about this. I thought about how Jesus came to us from heaven. I thought about this notion of returning to His home must have helped him through much human pain. I thought of how we as humans do not know how to long for a place that we have never seen, or visited, only trusted in and had faith in...I wondered how much Jesus missed His home. I wondered if in His amazing capacity to leave heaven did He not show His love for us.

I thought of how in our human state our loves and our children are the only true glimpse of heaven we have here on earth. Jesus came and knew exactly what His home was like. I am certain that brought Him comfort as he did what He did for us. Many might argue that Jesus did not have any children here while He lived among us, how could He truly know the pain of such a loss...then I thought, well, He loves us all as His children-the Bible says that He wants not one of us to go astray...He would leave heaven even for just one of us...so now I found myself wondering in my humanness about who it is that I long to see in heaven. I think that our Lord understands. I think that He understands that in our humanness we needed the glimpses of heaven that we find in our children and our loved ones. We did not come to this place with prior knowledge of heaven. We needed something to give us hope and love and encouragement. I believe that He, though a jealous God, loves us far more than that. I believe that He knows why I long for my son...He understands that pain of longing for that which is greatly loved.

So, I found myself in this quandry...what will I do when I get to heaven. My spirit knows that when surrounded by the presence of God the longing for Robert will be put to rest. I will not be in pain and sorrow any longer...my spirit also knows that the pain and sorrow that is there now and the longing to see my son again is part of being human. I am not proud of the fact that at this moment in time I may not have the right focus on my longing for heaven...but, it is simply the way that it is. I believe that my Lord knows this and understands tremendously.

I have decided that our children, and our great loves of our lives are evidence of our Lord's love and tremendous grace that He bestows upon our lives...I believe that He has designed our souls that way so that we can have a glimpse, a real tangible glimpse into the love that is found in Him and in His heaven...

Have a blessed day-a Good Friday. I trust that you will have a glimpse of heaven today. It may come in the form of a smile, or hug, a cuddle or a kiss...our human spirit needs much love, I pray that you would see and feel love this day.

Peace to you my friends...Stay warm. Kathy


I Can Only Imagine by Bart Millard

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk by Your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your face is before me

I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus, or in awe of You be still
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all

I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship You

I can only imagine

Wednesday, January 14, 2004 7:34 AM CST

Good day. As I have said many times before, thank goodness they put the date, day, and time at the top of this page where you enter a journal, or I would have not a clue! :)

We are moving in slow motion around here these days it seems. Well that is at least I am. The kids are moving rather quickly in the late afternoons as they have started riding their bikes all around our little neighborhood. I am not exactly sure when I gave "my little ones" permission to ride their bikes across the street, I thought I was still at the watching them cross the street to go to the front door neighbor's stage...apparently I missed something. I better get on the ball.

I am missing alot lately-mostly I am missing Robert. It is strange, I am functioning that is for sure. I am still looking for a job, have an interview this afternoon and have sent out my resume to many places. I am even working a few shifts at Kravis this week...however, I may be functioning, but my mind is in another place entirely-heaven. I have been dreaming of Robert and such almost every night. I think of him and Maria together all the time. Maria's husband came by the other day to bring a photo back to me that my Mom had left with Maria not long ago. Mom had taken a meal over and brought her a favorite photo of Robert that she always kept by her bedside. Maria's husband handed it to me and looked right at me and said, "they are together now..." I told him I could just hear those two laughing. For me, in my mind I can hear Maria's voice talking to Robert-I can see those two looking down over us all...she was a wonderful mother and friend, he a wonderful son and friend. It is a perfect match. I told Fernando we are the ones who are in pain missing them.

Two weeks ago I was so numb I could not even shed a tear-this week, I could sit and cry all day...hormones? a full moon? maybe it is the tides...maybe it is just the way life is now with grief or rather sorrow as my constant companion. One of my favorite books I read as a teenager was called "Hind's Feet on High Places". It was about learning to live with sorrow as a companion. It was about much more, but I remember how in this allegory sorrow had to be looked upon as a helper not a hindrance. Sorrow has made me wiser, not necessarily more patient, but in some ways yes, more patient...sorrow has made me stop and look at life more and to be more sensitive to other's pain. Yet, the actual sorrow of losing Robert has in some ways made me numb...I cannot go to certain places now as I used. Certain times and reminders overtake me in tremendous ways that I cannot control. Those closest to me might think me aloof because of my pensive ways...

I dreamt of St. Jude last night. I so wanted to journey there last spring for their "Day of remembrance". I did not. I am HOPING to be able to go this spring. I walked the halls and the grounds in my mind last night while I dreamt. I remember Jeff and I being there. We walked those halls of the bone marrow unit at the same time though not together-in my dream...I remember him opening doors and I knew he in a sense he was hoping to find Robert there. I know many parents who have traveled to that place and lost a child there and had to return home unhealed, experience this sensation. Many of them, like us, went to St. Jude as their only hope-their last hope. So, like us in my dream last night many return there as their last hope of finding their child again. It is strange. That place brought much comfort. I do hope to journey there again this spring-Jessica wants to come with me.

Yesterday I not only thought of Robert, but I thought of so many others who are still fighting strong...I thought of sweet Ryon Rommel as I know that he continues to battle in the most difficult of battles-GVHD. I thought of his family and how long they have fought and how debilitating Ryon's transplant has been, yet I know they rejoice in knowing he is still here...a miracle. I thought of sweet Zachary, of Mitchell...Kyle, Jessi, Cameron,and Tito. I thought of so many that are right here in my own back yard fighting...my heart ached for each of them. My heart ached for the pain of the child and the pain of the family.

I must sign off for now. It is a busy day ahead. Thank you for stopping by, and listening. I have gone back to Robert's journal. I want to share some of the last journals he wrote with you again...

Dated: 1/9/02
"My Christmas was the best Christmas ever. Well in my opinion it was because I got some really neat things! Like a basketball hoop that you can adjust the height of it (7-10ft) a basketball, legos, a playstation game, rumble robots, basketball wear and a gameboy game mario tennis. Those are all of the things I got for Christmas. On Christmas eve I could hardly sleep because I was so excited so just stayed up half through the night and finnaly went to sleep. I had alot of candy in my stocking but I didn't eat it all because of breakfast and dinner and thats mostly all that happened to me on Christmas."

That was Robert's recollection of what would be his last Christmas here with us...he sure sounded happy for a kid with cancer on chemo!

Peace,
Kathy

Monday, January 12, 2004 9:14 AM CST

Good day all. Well, another week is upon us...I am actually working a few hours this week at my old haunt The Kravis Center. Should prove to be intersting...

I had this epiphany this morning in the kitchen. Isn't it amazing the brilliant ideas we can come up with in the kitchen or while we are eating? I don't know about you but some of my fondest memories have stemmed from times of sharing a meal, a cup of tea, cooking a meal...all of my life it has been that way. I am glad that I can cook again. I am grateful to know that as I reflect back to this time last year when narry a morsel of food passed my lips and I was withering away to nothing, I can cook and eat and enjoy one of life's simple pleasures again. I know this would make Robert proud-that boy loved to eat!!! Ain't that right Martha? :) So, my brilliant idea, I want to develop a diet fad based on eating bacon and dark chocolate. Now consuming these products together is not the object, but I have decided that surely I am not the only person in the world that could exist on a diet of bacon and dark chocolate-okay any chocolate. I mean look at the fads of late...it is so annoying. Low carb this, fat free that, no carbs, the zone, weedgrass...aaaaggghhh! I also figured if good ole Scott Finestone can peddle frozen key lime pies covered in chocolate on a a stick, with a bazillion calories and 26gr of fat, than my diet of bacon is nothing! I will keep you fully informed of my project as it is in the very early stages of development. Wait was that the phone? Could it be a possible call for a job interview? Oh wait, sorry it is just a bill collector! Don't you just love caller i.d!

We had a lovely weekend. I did at least. Jess struggled with her cough and such. Matthew and Christina had quite an adventure with Jeff's basketball team when their bus broke down on the highway. Christina had a lot of fun at her birthday party. She has some very sweet friends. I can easily see why she would not want to switch schools and leave that group of girls. This next weekend Matthew and Christina will start playing basketball. They are so excited. I am too. It is alot of fun watching them play.

I want to share with you something that one of the priest's said at Maria's funeral last week-Friday, Jan. 2nd. As he spoke about life and such he said something that truly settled into my heart. He said: "We must continue to have hope. Without hope there is no TRUST, no CONFIDENCE..." As I heard these words, and hope described in this manner I was amazed. I have never thought of hope like that. I have never thought that hope required trust, and required confidence. Those are words that take action. They are the kind of words that put feet to something-they make it real. Hope is not something that we imagine or believe in-it is not intangible-it is a choice. It takes a will to choose to trust and have confidence. I can easily see how those things would bring about the fruit of hope. I sat there and realized I have hope. I have learned to trust and have confidence in many new ways again. I can also look at my life and realize that I have shown sincere hope in many areas of my life, and through the darkest times of my life. I know that I trust in my Lord. I know that my confidence is in the fact that I hope in Him.

Maybe simply getting out of bed and brushing your teeth and preparing to face another day is the greatest expression of hope you can muster today...I would you implore you to realize the hope you show in your everyday life-recognize the simple things we do to show that we have trust and confidence. Simply getting out of bed and facing a new day is a step in the path of hope. Okay, even if you cannot get out of bed, maybe it will come in the form of something more simple, more necessary- like breathing. Whatever the form or however you see it manifested in your life, be encouraged by it...be encouraged that in your trusting in the simple things in life, and having confidence as well, you do have hope.

Take good care this day. All is well.
Peace,
Kathy

Friday, January 9, 2004 5:38 AM CST

Good Friday to you...I must admit, I am glad that I get to have a birthday party with a bunch of silly little girls instead of going to a funeral today! I even managed to get up and out for a walk...seems my walking buddy misses me too-we all need to be missed once in a while. :) I must say this as well-Thank you. Thank you for reading, for writing, for being there and praying...for listening and learning and being brave enough to read my ramblings, read between the lines sometimes, and for being brave enough to know Robert and this entire family as we go through this journey of ours...

Today I am going back in my mind to the viewing service I went to last week for Maria...I cannot believe it has been one week since she left. The children and I went there, back to that same funeral home that became so comforting to us last year. Last year we were there for Robert's viewing and then Seth's. This year I walked in the doors and the first person I saw was the owner of the place-he became a friend last year. Seeing him there was like visiting an old friend. I had Jeff make a call to get in touch with him so that they knew that Maria and her family were very close to us...there as I walked in the door, that man stood, a man who handled Robert's passing for our family with the care and precision of any physician that ever cared for him while he lived. He hugged my neck, and said, "Kathy, how are you? All is well? All is well..." The children wandered around as if they had been there everyday for days...

That night to see Maria's family and to watch them was a priveledge for me. I looked upon her figure as she was lying there. I never used to look upon a body in a casket. I have changed that about me now. My mother said it best when she said to me, "even as Maria was lying there, you could see such strength on her face." She was right. Her frail figure, scarved head...her beautiful face. I stayed there for some time. They had a prayer service. The family introduced me to many of the extended family as "de Mama de Robert." I heard it over and over..."de Mama de Robert." They all knew of him, they knew of how much Maria and her family loved him...I watched them all that night. I watched as they lingered and prayed.

At the end of the service, I wanted to force myself to look upon her figure again-to remember it. I stayed back because the family needed their time. I stared at her from a distance and remembered her-all that I knew of her. Finally, I could not stay and linger any longer. My heart ached so much as I went back to that place with Robert in my mind. I also thought of how Maria was with Robert now-and we were here without them. I could stay no longer in that place. As I headed out to go down that long hallway that had become so familiar to me, I saw "family" from the children's school. I could barely look upon them, all of our hearts so obviously broken and heavy with all the pain.

I walked down that long hallway-saw my beautiful children sitting there waiting for me...we left that place and my heart was so heavy and grateful for my precious children and how proud I was that they were brave enough to visit that place with me, we headed home.

That was only last week. Today we will act silly with a bunch of little girls! Today we will eat cupcakes and brownies and pizza and all sorts of junk food! Today we will celebrate life. This life...the one that we are living.

Peace to you my friends. Peace indeed. All is well.
Kathy

Wednesday, January 7, 2004 8:35 PM CST

Good day. Rather, good evening...seems that I have not established a new routine for this new year. I miss my early morning walks very much-I think my dear friend is trying to get a few extra winks in the morning! :) I am getting a few extra pounds and flab without those morning walks!!!

Jessica is on the mend, I think-she feels so lousy. I just hate that she keeps getting these awful colds, you know the kind the ones that make you feel just awful and not able to do much of anything, like sleep, or eat! Oh yeah, she is really good at blowing her nose and swallowing pills. Prince is on the mend as well. He cut his ear pretty bad, and after another chunk of change for the vet he is basically alright. Don't you just love it, the vet charged me over $100 and did not even clean the wound! AAAGGHHH! I am actually beginning to like the little pain Prince-he will actually not pee in the house if you catch him in time and tell him "no".

We are preparing for Christina's birthday party on Friday. She will have over a few friends and I hope it is a fun time for her. Did I tell you she turned "9" on last Friday. I hugged her tight and whispered in her ear, "I am so glad that today is your birthday-it brings me much joy on such a day filled with sadness." I told her this as I left Maria's funeral and headed down for Steven's funeral. She is such a pure joy my Christina-I am so proud of her.

I have not forgotten that I have many other stories from last week to tell...the next one came also on New Year's Eve. This one came from a phone call from my best friend. She called me to ask me about Robert's funeral. The family wanted to know how we did the photo presentation of Robert's life. She then proceeded to tell me something amazing. It seems that Steven, her brother who just died, was changed "forever" as a result of going to Robert's funeral. Steven's wife shared this with the family earlier in the day as they planned for his service. She told them the story of how Steven was very sick, and in a difficult spot in his life...how he told her he had to go to the funeral. I remember seeing him that day; it warmed my heart to see my lifelong friend there that day...Steven shared with his precious wife of how that day he had never been to a funeral like that. He said all the funerals he had ever been to were all done by people who did not even know the deceased one...he said all of those people who spoke that day really knew Robert. He told her that day he looked at "Kathy and saw all the people around me and how we shared love..." He told her he never knew Christians could love like that...he told her he wanted to go to church and that something during that service changed him forever.

My best friend could not wait to relate this story to me. It was the first time any of her family had heard about their Steven's heart being touched liked that. My friend was so proud to tell me of how Robert touched her brother's life...how the love of a family impacted another human being when they needed it most...

There is more to this story. I will share later. I feel the moments that I was priveledge to live in as the new year began are a wonderful indicator of a wonderful new life on the horizon...there may have been death surrounding them all, but think of the hope that is intertwined throughout these stories...think of the hope.

I will be back-remember, all is well. Please pray for Matthew on Thursday, he has a tough visit to the dentist and is a bit scared...

Peace,
Kathy

Tuesday, January 6, 2004 5:43 AM CST

Good day all. All is well. Forgive me for my lapse in updates...we have been busy, and I have been processing many things these days. I have not had the time, or almost the energy to find the words for a page. I am grateful it is a new year, and may it be a "Happy New Year" for all of us.

I have thought many times over the past few days where I would begin with the events of late...I keep settling on where I left you all-New Year's Eve.

On New Year's Eve we all had plans. The "little ones" would go spend the night with Mimi Bunny-she was having a chocolate cake New's Year's party! Jess went off with friends and then spent the night out-surprise, surprise-she does not like to venture far from home. I think she figured that since she would be up all night it would not really be "sleeping over"... I went out with a friend. Pretty much I have thought that being out over New's Year's was some sort of rite of passage, however staying in, I have concluded, is just as nice...we had a lovely time-lots of laughs...lots of smoke! The place we ended up visiting with friends was hosting a huge bonfire on the beach and everyone was lighting fireworks off everywhere...hence, the smoke!

Here is where the story comes into play-just after midnight I recognized a woman sitting across from me. I am not sure what we were talking about-the group of us-but, I mentioned something about after my son died...and this woman holding her sleeping child in her arms, looked stunned and proceeded to jump up and come over to me. She said I have to tell you something. She said I probably should not tell this to you, but...I said, "please share with me." It was a "Robert story" or rather, a "Robert sighting..." This lovely woman proceeded to tell me about how just before Christmas she had pledged to make cupcakes for her young son's class. She awoke and headed into the shower to face the day. While in the shower she said "Robert visited her..." She said he came to her and reminded her, "you have to make those cupcakes...the chocolate ones with the vanilla icing..." She could not believe it! Robert she thought, reminding me to make cupcakes that she had forgotten about...she sent her son off to school with her husband without a word about her "vision". She proceeded to the kitchen to make those "chocolate cupcakes with the vanilla frosting" on them...all the while thinking of Robert. She then said he reminded her to put Hershey's kisses on the top of them...and her cupcakes got made for her son's class.

This precious woman was a bit embarrassed it seemed. She apologized for sharing such a story with me "Robert's Mom." I told her please, I was thrilled to hear it. I told her how I worried he would be forgotten and to know that he was visiting her in her mind and heart reminding her to make cupcakes brought me much joy...I told her I needed to hear that story...as I said this to this precious woman, she told me--"oh no, you don't seem to understand, I will never forget Robert!" She said to me Robert was a force, he had such a presence...she said I remember visiting him in his hospital room and seeing how he held your hand and how he told everyone that it was going to be fine...I remember him, and how he touched you and held onto you...she said, "he was a force, and I will never forget him!"

I surely needed to hear this, and I hope that many who read here need to hear this silly story of cupcakes on New Year's Eve...

I have much to tell of the events of last week. This is only the beginning. It is time to get the children up and ready for school. Today is our first day back. Jess got sick again; seems to be strep this time...I am on the way to the vet with Prince he cut his ear the other day while I worked in the yard, precarious little guy got stuck between a rock and a hard place-okay it was a tree and hard place! The job search continues...or rather has begun again!

I will be back-thank you for reading along.

All is well. Peace to you-Kathy

Footnote to story...growing up as kids my brothers and I used to always bake chocolate cake with vanilla icing...and then with my own kids I almost always make a chocolate cake/cupcakes with vanilla icing...it is my favorite! :)

Wednesday, December 31, 2003 9:04 AM CST

Good day friends. The eve of a new year is upon us. This day I shall never forget I assure you...

This morning I watched as my sweet friend's mother came walking up the road arm in arm with her husband. You remember the mother I have mentioned here many times who was fighting for her life against breast cancer...the one who loved Robert so. It was her mother I saw walking, I knew something was different. Her husband and her did not walk with any skip to their step this day...she came over to me. She hugged me, kissed me and in her beautiful spanish words I understood that Maria had died. She died this morning at 4 a.m.

Maria...as her precious husband said to me when I went to their home and embraced him...he said, "They are together now-she is with Robert." I do not even know Maria's age, all I know is that her beauty and love and courage were timeless, ageless...she was positively lovely in everyway. I know that her daughter is about 15, her son, he is 11...I know that every time I have looked into her son's big brown eyes I saw a boy much like my Robert...I know that even when she was as sick and weak as could be she took the time to cook Christina her favorite Shepherd's Pie. I know that when I saw her with her husband I saw a love that I could only wish for in my life. When I think of Maria I think of devotion--selflessness...she adored her children, her family, her husband...she adored life-she adored Robert.

Maria...a mother herself, wounded battling for her life, wept for my son as he fought for his. She pleaded, she begged, she loved and prayed. Her heart was broken as only a mother's heart could break when Robert died. She understood even more of his pain than I could imagine, much of hers was the same...

Tomorrow they are planning for her service. Then Friday to lay her body to rest...she has requested to be buried near Robert. She visited him there, she would go with her children. Her husband told me this-the children will go and pick out a place for her to be laid to rest-he has already checked to make sure there was one near Robert.

I thought of her mother. I saw her pain. I know it well. I thought of the two mothers I know this week who have just lost their children...I thought of the mothers I know who have lost their children some time ago, some in this past year, some ten years ago...I told Maria's mother it does not matter the age, or when it happens, to lose a child is not the way life should be and is not easy...

I sat here and wished I had a photo of Robert and Maria together...one that is not just in my mind. Two of the most beautiful faces I have ever seen-faces that smiled and warmed your heart and made you want to live...I told Fernando, "now Robert has a mother with him...and yes, they are together..."

It is the eve of a new year-may we find peace that passes understanding - may we find hope that gives us courage to live - may we find love that touches our souls and makes us new again.

To God be the Glory forever.

Peace,
Kathy

Tuesday, December 30, 2003 10:05 AM CST

Good day. It seems that it has been so long since I have come here to write. So much has happened, yet stayed the same.

Life is still moving along, obviously-right? I was just thinking of Christmas Day. Since that day, I feel something in me has changed. I feel as if I have passed a benchmark in my mind and heart. I feel ready to begin living in a new way all over again. That day brought so many wonderful, yet painful, moments. Looking back to my life this time last year, the pain so brilliantly exposed and raw in my life and knowing that I made it this far...knowing that we have all made it this far, in spite of the fact that life has not been easy-it brings peace and courage to my heart. I felt as if I can now truly move forward in my life. I am not sure why this is, maybe it is a conscience choice I am making, maybe it is the old adage about how time heals...this I do know. The children are well, I am well...I have changed so much, maybe not changed, but I am new.

I went to a funeral last Friday. A woman I did not even know...I knew her family. She died from a heart condition that was undetected. I may not have known her in this life, but after her funeral, and after spending a few hours with her family I felt as if I did know her. She was a lovely woman, it was plain to see that she was a bit of glue to her 5 children and family. I sat at her service looking at her casket, remembering. I let myself go back to that place where I saw Robert's physical body for the last time. The room where his viewing was...I let myself linger there and remember him. I wanted to tell the family to slow down just a bit, to linger a few more moments. I did not want to leave the place where she was being buried. I understood that once a person was gone, they are gone from here forever. I realized that I should have lingered longer as the physical being that was my son was laid to rest. I realized that if any one I love leaves this place I will remain longer, I will linger. This is not to be morbid, I understand this now. It is peaceful. It was a windy chilly day-I thought of those who have had to bury loved ones in the cold of winter. I was grateful for the sunshine.

The family shared with me the story of their mother's passing. How they all yelled to her of their love for her as she slipped away. I shared about what a priviledge it is to be by one's side as they leave this place-to me that is grace-a gift of love that few understand, a priveledge and a blessing. It may be painful, but I pray that as they begin this journey of grief that those final moments will become cherished memories to the ending of a life.

My best friend called me late last night. She called to tell me her older brother had died. He died suddenly, complications from flu/pnuemonia and medications...he died alone. She called wondering how her mother would live. She wanted me to tell her how a mother lives after her child has died. She was almost pleading with me to tell her how to help her mother. I reminded her of how she came to my side, how she will find the strength. My sweet friend has been so amazed at my living on...and now she aches for her mother. Her brother was 38-I have known him my entire life. I suppose I will be at his funeral this Friday. December has brought one wedding, and two funerals...it does not seem to be balanced...but it also brought Christmas, and healing and laughter and love and joy...

I wonder how we live as we do. We as humans walk around with such a thin layer of skin holding us all together. We feel and love and think like no other creature on earth. We laugh till it hurts, and we live till it hurts--it is the same with love. I worry for myself that I will not be able to shed another tear over loss, then they come...they come and they sting and then they dry up.

Christina is singing praise songs in the living room, Matthew is watching cartoons, Jessica is with her Mimi Bunny. I am here needing to put words on a page while the tears flow. Christina just came and kissed me on the cheek...My heart is broken and I feel like a new person ready to live again all at the same time. How can this be? How do we do it?

How do we dare to think that we do it alone? I know for me the only answer is that the very breath I breathe must come from a spirit that I cannot see but believe and trust dwells within me.

I am so sad for these families...I am so heartbroken for my best friend's loss-it is devastating. Her brother was the only son, he was so like his Dad a wonderful man that passed on several years back...this mother lives with much pain and is fragile. She needs strength that she knows not from where it comes, a peace that passes understanding...I pray she finds it within herself and that somehow in the stillness of her soul she would know it comes from the Lord.

I am glad it is a new year-may you find peace in it.

Thank you for stopping by. I have thought of you all so much over this past month. You come here with all your own pain and losses and worries. Yet, you find the time to read and follow along. God bless you.

Peace to you-all is well.
Kathy

Friday, December 26, 2003 8:23 AM CST

Good day all. Happy Blessed Day after Christmas. Thank you all so much for all the lovely thoughts and words and sign-ins in the guestbook...Jessica keeps me up to date by quizzing me-the other night on our way home from church on Christmas Eve I was commenting on the moon. It was remarkable and I kept asking if anyone knew if there were any planets that were visible right now, because the "star" above the moon was way bright to be a star. Jessica said it must be Venus, and shared that Tom had talked about seeing it...I had not read the page yet that day, and I thought how cool that she is so faithful and reading as she does...

Yes, the moon was just as Tom described-a sliver with the planet of Venus shining bright. It was lovely to behold on that Eve. We had a lovely Christmas overall. It was hard, but it was good. The children "seem" happy...that is what counts for me. We spent much time with our families and it was new and different, but lovely just the same. Matthew has been non-stop with all the activity and his new toys. That brings me so much joy to know that he enjoys his gifts as much as he does...I just hope he gets back on his bike after wiping out in the street yesterday-Ouch!

I was up until 3am wrapping gifts. It was late before everyone was settled in on Christmas Eve and I put in the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" to watch while I wrapped. Jeff delivered bicycles that I had stashed around town-he brought them over at 1am-we talked about how hard it is without Robert for a few minutes...So, I went to bed at 3 am...the children woke up at 4:30am!!!! Even Jessica, I looked at the clock and it was 10 minutes to 5 and the three of them were wide awake and so excited! It was so hilarious...an all time high in the Charlton family record book--I managed to keep them at bay until 7 am and got up right after that. It was so nice and quiet...Mimi Bunny made it over shortly after we talked on the phone-she never misses Christmas morning, no matter how early!

It was lovely. Life is new and life is different. I have set my mind on the start of some new but old family traditions...now in the aftermath, I just need to go find my bulldozer to clean up and sort out the livingroom...my goal for today is a lofty one. I need to get the kids gifts into their rooms! :)

Know that you are blessed, and so are we by you!

Peace friends-Kathy

Monday, December 22, 2003 10:24 PM CST

Good day. I missed my usual update this morning...how sweet of you to notice!

I ended up being awake almost all night last night. It was so strange. I got into bed sometime around 1:30 am; and then before I realized it was 2:30, then I realized it was 4:30 am! Needless to say, my plans to for an early rise were shot...I did manage to get up and moving by 8:30. I had high hopes of getting out of the house by that time, and did not end up leaving until midday...

Isn't it amazing how we manage to get things together just in time for Christmas day. I have managed to buy Christmas gifts and such...and I did the old fashioned, or rather the tradtional American way, charged them! Jessica inquired this evening about how I was buying any gifts this year given my present financial unemployed circumstance...so I told her and then she said, "oh, can I have more money for gifts for my friends?" Hee hee...you see life does go on...

The family seems to be on the mend completely. I am feeling normal again. I am so grateful the my throat thing did not turn into the usual sniffling, sneezing, coughing so you can't sleep thing that normally happens. Now I just need to focus on remembering to finish my medicine. My doctor put me on 2,000 milligrams of penicillin a day for 10 days!

I have been enjoying being with the children these past days very much, as usual. I must admit my favorite times of late have been found in conversations with Jessica about so many different things. As I work on finding the right words to verbalize how I am feeling, I am encouraging her to do the same. Tonight we had a talk about how strange Christmas makes us feel. How it can be so disappointing just knowing that it will all be over soon.

I have been a bit stuck in my mind and heart over the disappointments that I feel my life has wrought about. I have realized that I must find a way to move passed my disappoointments so that I can live a full and real life. I do not want to spend any more time feeling disappointed with choices I have made and live with. It seems that the it trend in our family is to learn to accept things as they are and own up to how we feel about them. I confessed to Jess tonight that I could almost knock someone right off their feet with a good "pow right in the kisser" just to relieve some stress! So far I have no volunteers. I need to get out and exercise again! Jessica says she has no problem with me needing to sock something, as long as it is not her! I should have reminded her if I have not done that thus far, I sure will never do it.

I hope that your house has the smell of Christmas in it, and the warmth of the love that comes from family getting together to share over this holiday season.

Take good care. Peace, Kathy

Friday, December 19, 2003 9:38 PM CST

Good evening...I wonder how many of you will find this here before Monday morning...

So, you came through again. Those of you out there in the neck of the woods...you know who you are--"perfect strangers", who have in many ways become "perfect friends". The kind of friends who listen without judging, pray without ceasing, cry whenever tears are needed...think about it-none of you have to participate in my life, my children's life-we have chosen to come here in this forum and include each other in our lives. I loved hearing the stories from your neck of the woods. I love when you share back and sometimes I daresay I write to get a response, to see how others think and feel, maybe even to encourage you to get it out somehow.

I felt the need to write tonight. I did not want to leave such a gloomy page on over the weekend. Sometimes I just go ahead and share those thoughts that swirl around in my head even if they are the same sort of thoughts that we all share and yet in keeping them to ourselves we sometimes let them isolate us. That is something that has become very different about me since Robert died. All of my life I have been a deep thinker-letting my emotions and such fill my mind and overwhelm me. This process has left me feeling isolated at times. Most of the time my processing has brought me to my Lord. It is simply my way. Now I am learing to share my thoughts in a common forum and with others who I know love me as I am--it is called friendship.

I think in learning about each other we can see how truly similar we can be, and even in our differences we can come together and support one another. For me I think that the more we keep bottled up inside the more we begin to feel isolated. Even in sharing something so simple as feeling that we are not getting our Christmas cards out in the mail on time makes us feel better knowing we are not alone. I have never managed to do this-get my cards out on time. I have always felt a need to try to be "perfect", never really succeeding, realizing that for me perfectionism is not an inherited gene, so forget about it...Anyway, off the soapbox for now.

I loved the tales of wintery wonderlands-one from England, one from the NorthEast-well almost...Eva, even I do not leave the pain Prince out in the cold. As a matter of fact I think you all could use a chuckle. You deserve it after all my moaning and groanings of late. I do not tell you this, but pretty much every night for weeks now I am out in the backyard in the middle of the night chasing Prince around to get him in the house. He will bark at possums and any sound he heres. He refuses to come in the house. Jess and I have tried to lasso him, trick him, bribe him. It is so comical. I usually end up chasing him with the broom and then cornering him and picking him up like a sack of potatoes. Angel just sort of looks at me like I am nuts as this dog makes such a fool of me. Well, we got his number now. I do not let him out at night-he sleeps in his crate-I take him for a walk out front. Don't laugh! So maybe I am a bit blonder than I realized! Now when he won't go out when we want, Angel will walk out back, Prince always follows her, and then Angel just circles around and marches right back in the house leaving him behind. The other night I left the back door open and Prince crept in the door. He heard me ask Christina if he was in the house and began to race for the back door before I could get it shut. I took off, slammed a door in front of him to cut him off and beat him to the back door! Needless to say, this dog may be smarter than the lot of us...don't look now, but I haven't had to clean up dog pee in almost a week--just muddy pawprints!

So, you see friends, I do still know it is all good. I told my faithful friend tonight that part of what I realized had me a bit angered stemmed from all the decorations I put out that were made by Robert's little hands in preschool. I said it just really ticked me off to see all those things and know he was gone...of course the reality is that those are cherished items to our family. All their little keepsakes are.

We are supposed to dip below 40 tonight. I miss my walks--alot! I need those too. I need this page-I need to be able to write the things I do here. Thank you. Donna, thank you for your donation to CaringBridge in Robert's memory.

Have a lovely weekend. Peace and joy to you all.

Kathy

Thursday, December 18, 2003 9:23 PM CST

Good day all. By the time most of you read this it will be Friday...so, Good Friday.

We are all pretty much a bunch of zombies around here! I am feeling much better. I just sneezed a few minutes ago and did not want to cry from the pain in my throat. Jess came home from school and zonked out again today-never even woke up and ate dinner, just went to her room to sleep. Thank goodness finals are over! Matthew was so crabby when I picked him up from school I inquired about how much sleep he had gotten the night before...he did not even answer, he had nodded off. Me I am sort of sleeping. The dogs wake me up a couple of times during the night, and early in the morning...yippee!

I do not know how things are in your neck of the woods, but in our neck of the woods things are down right strange! Seems like every time I drive anywhere police are zooming by, people are in a major grumpy hurry, and then there are those who simply should not be driving at all! I kept thinking it was just me, then I began to take note of those around me in my circles, alot of people are struggling with having peace these days...I mean that inner peace that keeps us going.

I know I have been...I had to finally admit to a faithful friend this evening, that I have been fighting being so discouraged about EVERYTHING lately and that I have concluded that I am down right mad and angry that Robert is gone! I mean to say that just sucks-big time. Sorry for the harsh tone...but I needed to get to the bottom of how I have been feeling.

It is like the trivial things of this world are trying to get me totally bogged down. I ranted and raved, to myself of course, as I mopped up the muddy dog prints off the floors earlier. As I mopped of course the dogs both came trampling through and left more mud. I hollered at them both and kicked them out of the house. I remembered that scene in the movie Cinderella where she had just finished mopping the floors and that rotten cat pounced all around her and muddied them up just to be mean. I thought of how that reminded me so much of my life of late. I felt like Cinderella. I said to myself (yes I talk to myself alot these days...) I am NOT Cinderella--especially since when her dreams got answered she did not have to mop floors anymore. I thought of how she sung her way through her chores dreaming her life away...I thought of how as a girl I sort of did that. I dreamt my life away...I used to love to daydream, who doesn't right? Well, easy for Cinderella to do...I thought of how in life if we are always dreaming of something better or what we think is better we usually end up disappointed when it comes time to mop up the mud again. There will always be muddy footprints in my house...so, I wondered what shall I dream about now...what do you dream about when you have lived a life that was all that you ever dreamed of and now you are still mopping up mud!? Well, that is when I realized maybe I should stop dreaming or trying to find something to dream about and put my thoughts on things of God...

I thought to myself as I griped and complained the time away, how much more useful it would be to set my mind on things of God. Right? Right. I am one that mulls things over and over in my mind like a constant display of a motion picture...a menagerie of photos, events, people, places, words, sentences...my mind can be very busy all the time...so, I thought as I mopped, I should pray. I should dream those moments away much like Cinderella did, but thinking on something that is most certain-my Lord.

Well, that is what I thought I should do...unfortunately, I did not do it at the time. I continued to gripe...but, it is a good idea-one that I would greatly benefit from...fellowship with God is always a wonderful thing. We are so blessed to be able to experience it...

Hopefully the glooms will fade away. I would love to hear some lovely stories of life in your neck of the woods...or maybe your neck of the woods like mine are a bit gloomy these days...I pray those moments will be few and far between for you.

Thank you for being so faithful to follow along.
Peace to you all.
Kathy

Wednesday, December 17, 2003 8:40 AM CST

Good day all. Apparently it is Wednesday...I think.

All is well here. My Mom called me first thing this morning to see how I was feeling. She inquired if all the children had made it out the door to school, she was very impressed to know that I had managed that! I actually enlisted Jeff's help in rounding the kids up and getting them driven to school. I am still feeling a bit under-the-weather. It is totally dreary and damp here--I know that we cannot complain though, I am certain that some of you who read this have been in the midst of awful weather for some time.

Is it me, or does there seem to be many people stuck in the same rut that I am finding myself in this year? It seems so many are sick, and so many are tired, and that so many are sick and tired of being sick and tired. Well, just for the record, I refuse to give into the pessimistic attitude that is beckoning at my door. Last evening I walked in the front door after going to pay the electric bill, there on the couch was Jessica. She was sound asleep. She had turned on the Christmas tree lights and snuggled up on the couch. It was dreary and rainy outside. I went around the house and lit all the candles. It was beautiful. I proceeded into the kitchen to get out dinner and make a dessert I had promised Jess I would make for her--good old fashioned banana pudding.

Christina sat and ate dinner. She was all excited because she was on her way to see the Hillary Duff concert. It was an early Christmas present from Jeff's significant other, Barbara. It was so lovely in our home during this time. Jess snoozing, candles burning, me cooking in the kitchen. Matthew he was busy watching t.v. Christina headed out the door, and Barbara brought with her some homemade chicken soup for me...it was delicious.

As I continued trying to get my custard to thicken up, I realized that Dragonball Z was on the t.v. in the background. It was so strange to hear this show again, Robert faithfully watched it everyday. Matthew had gone into the other room, Jess was still snoozing. All of a sudden I heard one of the characters talking about "one of the humans..." he said, "his heart is cold, he is not alive, those humans..." I began to think of Robert. Of course I thought of how his heart had gone cold, and how many hours we watched this show and how he used to explain to me all the time about how they would die and then live again in another way...I began to wonder. I called Jeff. He was at a basketball game. I wanted to ask him if Robert had ever said anything to him about death and dying. Jeff said "Never!" Jeff told me about one time imparticular after we had come back from Memphis. He told me about a time when Robert had been admitted for a fever. He said that Robert told him that he did not want to be there, and that he wanted to be at home. Jeff told him, "well, Robert it will take a miracle from God for that to happen." Robert said okay, let's pray for one. Jeff said the prayer that Robert prayed was so precise, so mature and so definite. One of the nurses had come into the room and waited while he prayed. Jeff said it was amazing to hear him asked to be healed to be through with this, and be well again. He said that they talked about how if God was going to do the miracle that he needed, he could have done it at home just as easily as if he had stayed at St. Jude. Good point Jeff.

Jeff and I talked about how Robert told him that he wanted to live and be well. Robert never spoke of giving up, giving in, and never spoke of not living and being whole again. He never did have to give up and give in, he is whole again.

It was a bit strange how this came over me those thoughts. I finished assembling the pudding. Tried to wake Jess again. She slept until after 8pm. I had blown out the candles and re-lit them. She and I sat together curled up on the couch for a while with the lights off and the tree and candles being our only light. I told her how I had so much to do for Christmas, she said, "Nah, it doesn't matter..." I agreed, I said what we have is enough...

I am amazed at how much life can be lived in a few hours, and moments in a home with a family living in it.

May you continue to find love and feel the warmth in your home this day.

Peace,
Kathy

Tuesday, December 16, 2003 11:56 AM CST

Good day...Sorry I have not been here. Apparently my theory that Mom's can't get sick is null and void! I am sick, have been for a few days...It is officially strep throat. Yuck, get out the penicillin-4 times a day for the next ten days.

The children are on the mend. Jess is pluggin away with school and such. She is in the midst of final exams this week. We are still not sure of her status as far as the missed art project, and her math class. But, she is plugging away in spite of it all. I am so proud of her!

I know the children are excited that Christmas break is on its way. I of course am dumbfounded that Christmas is next week. Needless to say, I am way behind. We did manage to get a tree and got it decorated last night. I sort of laid on the couch supervising...Did I say we got a tree? I meant a bush! :) Jessica apparently inherited the "Walt Waldron" Christmas tree gene. She insisted it be a fat one, and for my budget it had to be a bit on the short side--so, it is a bush! I told her my Dad always liked the 'fat' trees best! She got a kick out of that one.

I am going to try to catch a nap for a few minutes before I need to go pick up the children. The job hunt is in full swing, and I am holding on! ;)

Take care, I will return.
Peace,
Kathy

P.S. Happy 40th Birthday to my big brother-Terry!!

Friday, December 12, 2003 11:05 AM CST

Good Friday to you all. I am sorry it is a late morning, mid-day post. Many of you I know come here in the a.m. I hope this finds you well and at ease with the upcoming weekend.

The children are at school. Isn't it funny how we all come here to read a daily report of 3 children's lives. How knowing that they are plugging along and that they have the ability to be happy and live in spite of the losses of their short life--does that not give us courage. Jess gives me courage. She is on the mend, yes, but the anxiety of late has been very trying on her. It is truly trying to create an avalanche in her life and she is fighting it hard. I am grateful that I can see how she has grown and is brave enough to want to reach out and embrace those around her when typically depression and anxiety gets someone by isolating them. It is battle that I have faced many times, but it does not affect me near in the way that I have seen it affect others. In watching someone cope with anxiety and such, I have come to understand how some turn to alcohol and/or drugs for relief. I encourage Jessica to find whatever she needs to help her release and live...I encourage her in the words and love of our Lord, but we all know, that even sometimes that which we know to be true and valid and faithful cannot bring us back from that edge if we are not careful...so today we compromised, I will pick her up early from school. She will only miss last hour. Pray that the pain in her stomach subsides.

Last night I had the pleasure of being invited to see the "Singing Christmas Tree" at my old church, First Baptist of West Palm Beach. Okay, it was a date--that is besides the point. No, I will not go into details here...anyway, it was remarkable! The performace was lovely and done very professionally and it was one of those things that you could feel how it brought joy to those who were there.

For me it was not easy. So many times the images of life will overwhelm me. The memories overwhelm me as well. The choral group sang all traditional Christmas music, much of it reminded me of the first church I ever attended and reminded me of my Dad. Our church used to hold nothing back with their Christmas performances. It was always so special. As they sang songs that my Dad and StepMom loved so much it reminded me of him. They sang "Happy Birthday Jesus" it made me a bit mad to know that Robert was there celebrating and not here...many things reminded me of Robert last night. Especially one of the songs sung toward the end...it is a Sandi Patti song, "Blessed is He". During this beautiful song they depicted Jesus performing miracles. On and on the character went about healing and touching those around him...depicting how simply Jesus reached out and healed the sick...as I watched this, I realized that not only did Robert not get the healing we longed for, but I will never know in this lifetime why my son ever even got sick. Thoughts swirled through my head as this song was sung. I heard the chorus over and over again, "there is strength in the name of the Lord, there is power in the name of the Lord, there is hope in the name of the Lord, Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord..." I heard those words and though the tears streamed down my cheeks and I felt as though my heart might burst out of my chest...I wanted to stand up and shout, "YES!" there is hope and strength and power in the name of the Lord. I wanted to tell everyone there that even though the lifeless body of my son was not brought back to life, I still believed and knew...

The final scene of this song was a father carrying the lifeless body of his daughter to Jesus. In my mind's eye I saw Jeff as he carried Robert. I know how we laid Robert at our Lord's feet for healing...I saw all those moments in my mind...it was in the moment when the character depicting Jesus took this lifeless child and held her up and she came to life that I thought my heart would surely break...and the words kept coming--"there is strength in the name of the Lord, there is power in the name of the Lord, there is hope in the name of the Lord..." I fought hard not to run out of there fearful of the pain in knowing that Robert did not get healed...and then a peace came over me. A peace that reminded me that though Robert was not healed many are healed. I said to the Lord in that moment, at least some are healed, you choose to save so many...you do have power, strength and you do bring hope.

So, as I sat there and let my heart ache and felt the pain of the loss of a child overwhelm me, I knew I was still blessed. I knew that though I will live to the end of my days never knowing why or how...never, never never for so many things...that there is strength in the name of the Lord, there is power in the name of the Lord, and finally, there is HOPE in the name of the Lord--blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord.

May this day and everyday, may the strength of the Lord strengthen you, may His power-empower you, and may His hope SHINE within you and from you that others may look upon you and see and believe.

It was a long 2 1/2 hours, it almost cost me my sanity, but alas--I am still here. We all are--all is well.

Peace to you and yours,
Kathy

Thursday, December 11, 2003 6:27 AM CST

Good day. So this is Christmas? I remember it, I think...

Seems that Jess is on the mend. I heard a rumor that she is ready to go back to school, even if she can't breathe. I know she is literally afraid to face a couple of teachers and such. This week has been very trying for her. So many things are literally hanging in the balance for her with school. One of the main issues is that she must make application to the magnet High School of the Arts by the 19th. One of the admission requirements has something to do with attendence. I wished I would have realized that before I let her go to NY. If she cannot go there because of too many absences that would be awful. Her friends are obviously worried about this too. It is wonderful that she has so many friends now...they are the kind of friends that you go through high school and life with...those are the kinds of friends we all need. Anyway, Jessica told me last night about one of her best friends and how angry she got with her about school and such. And then how her friend got "un-angry" immediately. I of course pointed out that her friend is a "she" and we women tend to get angry out of frustration. I said the bottom line is that your friend is probably worried about you and all that is going on and it comes out in frustration and a bit of anger.
I have never acted out of frustration and anger in a way that seemed inappropriate when really I was just hurt and scared--who me, Never!!! :) I am the queen of misappropriated emotions that rear their ugly head in the form of sarcasm--just ask Jessica!

I took dinner to my neighbors last night. I have written here about this sweet family before. You know the wonderful Mom who is losing her fight against breast cancer. Apparently her fight is coming to an end--according to her doctor at least-Hospice has taken over her care. She is so frail. It is amazing to look upon someone who is a shadow of their former self, and yet their spirit shines through...their essence, their love and generosity and their kindness...it is all still there. This woman is a champion to me. I think so many times of how Robert loved her. How they battled together. She was diagnosed one week after Robert-then cried and pleaded "why Robert, why not me?" when he relapsed...and then relapsed within weeks herself. Last year after Robert left us, it was just weeks when the cancer came back and was in her brain. Fast forward one year, and now she is looking to leave life lessons with her children. She is trying to think of the things she must impart to them for their life. A mother's life lessons condensed into a time that no one knows how long it will be...Can you imagine? I can only imagine. Even if I am trying not to.

Robert being the child he was somehow crammed a life's worth of lessons into his short time. His life has given this mother something to write about for an entire year...we will never know how we influence others. How many lives we touch day-to-day. We are not supposed to know. We, I believe, are only supposed to live knowing that others are impacted by who and what we are...or rather, whose we are...

So, Maria fights on. A beauty beyond words. She said to me that she does not feel that she is doing much mothering lately. I told her that is not so...I took note of her precious 11yr old son by her side, how he touched her shoulder and smiled with pride over the cookies I brought and thanked me so sweetly. I took note of how when her loving husband walked in the house he came immediately to her side to sit...that is a woman who is still living and loving and impacting the lives of others. I was so pleased to know that her mother and sister and father were there as well. I was pleased to know that the ripple effect of this cancer has brought her family together and not torn them apart. I left wondering who would be by my side when my turn comes to battle this monster...I know I would be honored to be alongside someone I love as they battled if it ever came to that.

It is a privelege and an honor to be witness to the greatness of the human spirit. It is a privelege and an honor to be able to be by someone's side as they fight, and if need be, leave this world. A privelege to love and be loved...an honor to love and be loved.

How blessed we are...So this is Christmas? Yes, this is Christmas.

Peace,
Kathy

Wednesday, December 10, 2003 6:00 AM CST

Good day. I know that you all are waiting patiently to hear about Jessica.

We made it to the doctor's office bright and early. She was still feeling lousy, though the fever had subsided. After examining her Dr. Tommy said that she had a sinus infection and maybe a bit of respiratory stuff going on. She is not coughing though, so hopefully nothing further will develop. We discussed all the other things going of. The doctor has set a course of action to help Jess to feel better all over...mind and body. He told her that he needed to figure out which came first the chicken or the egg. Are her symptoms a result of anxiety, or is the anxiety a result of the symptoms...?

I am hoping that Jess wakes up feeling much better today. I know she is dreading school! Big time. I know that now she feels she is soooooo behind why bother going at all. Of course this all "sucks" because she was doing so well. I do NOT want to go back to that place we were at last year...neither does she. So, I am praying that the two teachers she fears the most will at least not jump all over her and they may not be sympathetic, but hopefully she will at least have a chance to "fix" her missed assignments.

Dr. Tommy even wondered if Jess might not have mono. However, he wants to treat the sinus first, and then go from there. We will return in 3 weeks. He told her that from a physiological stand point, she is fine other than the fact that she feels lousy from this infection. We also gave her a "flu mist." Since no flu shots are available, and the flu has not made it to Florida yet, we coughed up the big bucks and did this procedure. The mist cost $65 bucks! However, there was no pain, and will be no soreness from a shot. The last thing Jess needs to get is the flu!

How did I know that you would rally around this...I just did. Thank you for sharing your words with us. I know that it is so good for Jessica as well as me, to read your entries everyday...though I sense the pain that the collective group is feeling during this time of year. Yes Tom the ripple effect is definitely overlooked, and unexamined...Christi, my heart goes out to you as you lost your friend...

Always feel you can rant, ramble or just share a recipe! I'm gonna try the pork recipe myself!!! Maybe even Matthew will eat it :).

Friends...is it a new day in your neck of the woods? It is here. I chuckled yesterday as I realized that last Thurs. and Fri. I was home with Matthew and fevers...and now Mon and Tues I was home with Jess and fevers...I went for a job interview yesterday--what was I thinking! :) Can you imagine...

Stay close. Peace,
Kathy

Tuesday, December 9, 2003 6:21 AM CST

Good day all. So far today, this day has been wierd. It is only 7:15 in the morning! Something must have happened on the highway near my house. I could hear helicopters flying over and over for about a half an hour. Angel was barking like crazy in her "Mom get up and come see" voice. I tried to ignore her and get a few more winks. All of this left me feeling very uneasy this morning. I can feel anxiety all throughout my body, I am trying to remain calm...

Another part of my anxiety comes in the form of my sweet Jessica. Jessica has not felt well for some time now. She is doing so good in school, with her friends and with life in general. We have had our battles lately, however that is much just normal teenage stuff that has been exponentially affected by our circumstances. Anyway, physically she feels like crap all the time! I pondered if the anxieties of life being internalized might not be the culprit--but last night as I went in to bed and found her huddled under the covers with a temp. of 101 I realized she is sick again. She asked me to lie down next to her and rub her back. Her spine hurt. Jess may not feel very comfortable sharing all of this with you, she reads here every day...I hope that I am not overstepping my boundaries.

I must admit for me, a temperature, and back pain in the spine do not sit well. I believe that is the source of my true freaky out this morning. We are going to see Dr. Schectman this morning. Jessica had requested she be seen by him the other day. He is a wonderful doctor and she trusts him and knows that he knows his stuff. I will push for a blood check. I know he will do it. I also know that if Dr. Schectman looks at Jessica and tells her that she is suffering from yet another virus and such that she will feel at ease, so will I...

I do not wish to burden you all with this. I am just feeling very anxious this morning, as is Jessica. She has worked so hard this school year. Her teachers are starting to get that tone in their voice the tone that speaks to a teenager who is slacking off to just get their act together--this is not the case. Jessica cannot afford to fall further behind in school; the trip to NY has set her behind in Math. She is working hard to catch up. She missed her big art project on Saturday because her project literally fell apart and by the time she returned from her class trip for her final exam it was after 11pm on Friday and we could not start her project over...she will fail that class since she could not complete the project. Don't even get me started as to why the teacher set the art project up the very day after every student went on a class trip the day prior. He admitted it was a scheduling problem, but such is life.

I know you will think of Jessica this day. I know you will think of me. I can feel it already and you have not read any of this...I need to know that my daughter is not "sick".

It is a new day, I am encouraged that we are all here and I know this too shall pass...

Be strong and of great courage all you who hope in the Lord.

Peace,
Kathy

Sunday, December 7, 2003 9:09 PM CST

Hello friends...I actually bought a Christmas present-stop the presses. Who knows, maybe I will put up some Christmas lights and get a tree-it's the little things in life that count right? Such lofty goals and aspirations I have for myself...;)

I had this thought tonight as I spoke to a dear friend online. Many of you know Zman, I was chatting with his Mom...she was telling me how they had just returned from the American Cancer Society Christmas party. I asked her about another group's holiday party-she said it was the other day. I told her how just yesterday the children talked about how fun the ACS party was at Christmas. I can remember how inundated we were with gifts and such while Robert was sick. How Jeff and I fought to keep a balance. How we spoke about making sure that when Robert was cured and a healthy strong boy again, that he would not be a spoiled brat. How we worked hard to make sure the other children never felt left out because they were not the sick ones...I remember how we were received into this new "family" adopted because of a disease...new members in a club that we never dreamed of.

Well, Robert died. Our club membership expired-our 'adopted' family moved away, or rather moved on. It is such a quandry. I have thought of it many times. Who wants the family who suffered the loss to be around a party that is intended to cheer kids up? Seriously. I have watched grown people turn away with tears in their eyes at the sight of me and my children. It is not an easy reality to face. The reality that the kid who had the 95ure rate, the most treatable, curable easiest to beat of all the cancers died...that is not exactly the tidings of joy the world wants to hear. Jess just chimed in how pathetic it is that we got dropped. I realized there must be a balance struck somewhere. I mean they can't just keep giving to those who are no longer in the midst of the battle.

It is an awful feeling to know that the reason we are no longer a part of that "world" is because we paid the ultimate price-the ultimate sacrifice--no donation in the world can equal the stakes that families like ours have paid. Just yesterday Matthew and Christina were talking about the "fun party" we went to when Robert was sick. They remembered everything about the night we had at the party. It was delightful to hear them remember, sad to realize that we must find another club of sorts to join.

I feel for my little ones the most. I feel for Jess as well, don't get me wrong. She and I talk about how bad we feel for the little ones missing all the perks. It is like you get divorced from the world that becomes so familiar. When you go through a divorce, no matter what the circumstances surrounding it, there are things that are missed. As time passes certain realities come to the forefront of your mind. In this case, it is much like a divorce, with no settlement. Think of it, while in that world of the life of cancer, there is bitterness, tears, and hardship. It can leave you feeling that you must flee in order to find yourself again. Much like how a person might feel and why they would seek a divorce. However, in the world of cancer, when the fighter dies, you get to leave that world of cancer, but it is not exactly on your terms. In a divorce isn't there always a partner who has been forced into a new way of life that may not have been sought after. Isn't the outcome a sort of death to something...at least in a divorce you have the opportunity to reach a settlement. You have a choice in the terms and the outcome. With death, it is final-the judgement passed down. The only choice is in how you handle it. That is it-sink or swim-there is an in-between, there is a middle of the road, it is called denial and you are basically numb.

I am not bitter that we are not included in these events that our family was once so welcome in. I am not bitter at all. It is just a sad thing, that is all. I feel for those who truly had that world become their life. Robert kept us from making that world our life. He wanted out of that world the entire time. He embraced it as he graciously embraced everything. But, truth be told, he would have traded every wish, every moment every second if it meant he could leave it. So, he led us out of it-as we knew he would.

I must admit I have the best parts of that world with me still. My family has the best parts of that world. For us, the gifts and the parties were not what changed us, and gave us hope...it was the people. It was people like you who came to us because of our visit into that place-the cancer world. It is the friends that we still have in our lives now that made all the difference, and bring us joy. There is not a gift in this world greater than that.

I would hope that if anything could be different, maybe they could include or at least give the families who have lost their child an opportunity to turn down an invitation to one of the parties...sometimes all people really need is to know that they have not been forgotten. One of the moms who signs my page regularly wrote how "fogotten" she felt. How she felt her son was so "forgotten." That struck such a chord with me. It is like the fact that I got a card from the social worker at St. Jude on the anniversary of Robert's death...she let me know that he was not forgotten, we were not forgotten. In time, these memories will be far off and fond ones...maybe organizations could put a plan in place that says for the first couple of holiday seasons they will invite the families that are surviving without their children. Honoring survivors is always crucial and I am the loudest of cheerleaders for those fighting...maybe, other than a group of grievers getting together, maybe just maybe a family could be invited for a time to these events.

The sad thing is, most families in this situation would not be able to muster the strength to attend anyway...but at least they would know they were invited, know that they were not forgotten...

Behold good tidings behold...Behold, good tidings of great joy!

Peace,
Kathy

***I added some old photos to the photo page; they are from Robert's last Christmas with us...they are giant, sorry...ENJOY, he was beautiful!

Friday, December 5, 2003 12:42 AM CST

Good Friday folks. It is so hot outside. Strange the way the weather has been lately. Last night on the news they were talking about a Tropical Storm off the south of the coast. Knowing the luck of the Carolinas, it will miss us completely and head up there. Hopefully not!

Jessica managed to get up and out of the house by 5:40 am this morning. Nothing short of a miracle as you can imagine with a teenager. Her class was taking a trip to Busch Gardens in Tampa. It is only a day trip and is for her final exam in Science. Needless to say, life is always interesting around here...

Matthew is sick with fever. I sort of chuckled to myself yesterday when Jeff called me to come and get Matthew. The children spend Wednesday nights with Jeff. So on Thursday morning when it came time for Jeff to head off to work, I was called in to pick up my little man. He is still feeling rotten. I hope the fever leaves him today. I thought of how much an employer would love to employ a Mom who has to take off two days for a sick child...oh well--I know that for many of you this is nothing new.

Do any of your kids like to drink milk when they are sick with a sore throat? Robert always did this. I can remember when he was so sick at the end and how all he wanted was water and milk. Matthew woke up this morning asking for milk. Thank goodness there is no stomach trouble involved. I cannot help but think of Robert and how he craved milk those last days searching for anything to soothe him...

Jessica has a big art project tomorrow over at the local outdoor mall area. Her class is doing what is called a "steam roller" project. They make large stencil sort of things out of wood and other mediums and a steam roller rolls over it to make the impression on the street or cloth or whatever...it should be fun. I hope Matthew is feeling better. Christina gets to take a day trip to Disney with her best friend for her friend's birthday. I only need to send some spending money. She should have a wonderful day. I am so glad for her that she has this time to be with her best friend as it looks like our favorite neighbors will be moving next month...there goes my early morning rendevous partner.

Change, it is always coming our way. I noticed that lately, my tears, well they seem to burn my eyes and fall very heavy on my cheeks. They are truly heavy like raindrops. I almost wince from the sting of the salt as they form in my eyes, but releasing them and feeling them fall down my face is just that, a release.

Life is moving along-so are we.

Have a lovely weekend. Peace to you and yours.

Kathy

Thursday, December 4, 2003 9:00 AM CST

Good day. So tell me, have any of you already put up your Christmas tree? I am sure most of you have started Christmas shopping...I love the traditions surrounding this time of year. Please feel free to share some of them with us...

We have not ventured out to get a tree. With so many changes within our family, this year will be another landmark in survival for us. This will be the first year of splitting time between mine and Jeff's home for the children. That I am sure will be challenging for them. We managed to make it through Thanksgiving, everyone "seemed" to be quite content with how we handled that one. So, we shall see. Unfortunately, Jessica is at odds with us on most everything these days. I know, I know she is a teenager. But, it is so difficult for me to accept anything that is considered "typical" from my kids. I am used to them being the ones who are not in the norm in a good way.

Quite frankly, Jess and I or Jess and her Dad butt heads alot. I try, Jeff tries, she tries--we are all trying to figure out this mess that we call a family. At the end of the day, no matter what may occur, no matter how loud, how ugly, how much punishment has been set, what matters is that we are a FAMILY. End of discussion.

The winds have been blowing like crazy around here for the past couple of days. Maybe these winds of change will bring about new hope and happiness this season for all of us...Change is painful, that is what our family's therapist told us. Painful, but necessary sometimes, and good.

I am still looking for a job. I am still in a quandry about the logistics of it all. Fortunately, my mortgage was just sold, so technically speaking in the state of Florida they cannot report me late or charge me any late fees on my mortgage for 60 days. How is that for a reprieve. I am taking it!

So, I am expecting to read about some holiday cheer in the guestbook. You know the usual, leftover stuffing dumpling recipes and the sort! Have a lovely day.

Peace,
Kathy

Tuesday, December 2, 2003 7:57 AM CST

Good day...remember me? Okay, so I am in a little shock that it is actually December. In all seriousness, can you say oh my GOSH!

It sounds like Thanksgiving brought many moments of wonderful family time and moments of thankfulness. We had a lovely time. It was a bit different this year, but lovely just the same. I must admit, looking back to last year's Thanksgiving, I know that I could not see past the hour of the day, let alone all the way into another year. I was telling someone the other day how I used to plan ahead all the time...you know, buying Christmas presents for next year at the after Christmas sales, thinking of all the things I could have done differently this year for next. Well, not anymore. I can barely plan out a week's itinerary let alone plan anything an entire year in advance.

Yesterday Matthew received a special token for being on the Academic Honor Roll at his school. They hosted a lovely breakfast and each of the children who were on the honor roll got to sit with their parents and be honored for their work. He was so excited that I got to go to school with him and share in that. I loved watching Matthew as he stood there so proud. He was so proud of himself, and so very proud of his friends. He sat with me telling me all of the children that were his friends. He applauded full-heartedly as each of his friends name's were called. I watched his expression with such love and peace. He truly beamed as they approached to get their little medal. He taught me so much in those moments as I watched him. I thought of how brave he was to blaze his own trail and go to a new school knowing no one. How here he was in a place that has not to many people that know of our story. No one in that room thought of Robert and what he was missing watching his brother grow...no one but me. Instead of being sad with the thoughts of our loss, I was so proud of Matthew and how he in the wisdom and love of his 7yr old heart has found a way to move on with his life. Matthew, my youngest son, has figured out the art of living while not forgetting.

I admire him for this. I admire each of my children very much. I am not sure if they learned this art from their mother, or if their mother learned it from them. I admire the fact that as children they can live each day laughing, working, playing, loving...knowing that at certain times they are going to gaze out the car window up into the heavens and remember their brother. They know how to live and how to carry the love they have for Robert and his memory with them. It is art, it may not be on paper or canvas, it may not be displayed in a museum or celebrated by anyone but their mother, but for me it is perfection.

That is much how our faith and lives are lived is it not? We live on day to day through the daily tasks, and carry within us a spirit. The Spirit of our Lord. Our way should be that of a fellowship, a friendship and knowledge that no matter what He is with us. I pray that as my children grow, the fact that they must believe their brother lives on in eternity will help them to grasp this concept of faith-this idea and ability to believe in that which is unseen.

Have a lovely day.
Peace, Kathy

Wednesday, November 26, 2003 11:17 AM CST

Good day. Happy Thanksgiving Eve! Don't you just love the eve of special holidays?

I thought I should share with you all that the other night, Monday to be exact, I got a phone call from one of my co-workers at the place of my last employment-Mellon Private Wealth Management. Anyway, I was very busy trying to get "thanksgiving, birthday dinner" on the table when the phone rang. My co-worker was calling to tell me that he had been "laid off" without prior notice. He and I talked a bit. He wanted me to know what had happened with him to "affirm" me and that what happened with me was not my fault. He said how "free" he felt to be out of that situation, and though it is not easy to start from that vantage point, one of being laid off, he was "free". I appreciated his phone call. It did make me feel less humiliated to say the least. We both agreed that if anyone from that institution ever wanted to hear the "real" story we would be happy to share it! Whew, am I glad that I did not get all official with that job. I feel for those left there to work under a psycho like they have running that office. Needless to say, this phone call made me feel good enough that when I realized I had forgotten the mashed potatoes and corn for dinner it was not so bad! I am still amazed that my brothers actually ate dinner without those vital parts of the meal! :)

I had this thought the other day. It sort of came over me as I thought of the latest loss of a child's life...I thought of all the poems and cliches that my friend would be hearing over the months to come. I thought of the poem that speaks of the "garden" of heaven, the one about the stars in the sky being portals of heaven from above...I thought of how I have been told that God takes the best ones home early...you know the drill. Well, here is my thought--that is all well and good, but in all fairness, I have had it! I told our beloved Lord that I think our "garden" needs some beauty, that our world cannot afford to keep losing the "good" ones for the sake of heaven...in all serious, I think it sucks that so many are dying. I know I am quite sick of funerals, sympathy cards, and the lot...I mean there is plenty to shed tears over in our lifetime without the continued loss of life. So, all you medical personnel out there, all of you who believe in prayer, healing and everything else--enough of this! Find a better way, please...please can't we keep more of our precious ones, can't we keep them a little longer? I think we could all use a miracle story---actually, believe me there are many to speak of, just no more deaths, okay? No more, that is enough for now...we need a reprieve--or at least I do.

Finally, from our home to yours, may this Thanksgiving remind you of all the life, love, laughter, and joy that you have within you and around--may you THANK GOD, your family, your country...may the world be at peace as we pause to give thanks...Happy Thanksgiving!

Peace to you all, Kathy

Tuesday, November 25, 2003 2:10 PM CST

Good day. Sorry I missed you this morning...Matthew had a wonderful birthday yesterday! It was very special and we had a wonderful family dinner together.

Today was the funeral for the little girl I told you about. I did not go. The funeral was about an hour's drive, and I did not know if I would be home in time to pick up the children...

Yesterday as I cooked and cleaned I listened to some of my favorite Christmas music. I am listening to one of the songs right now as I type. Yesterday when I heard this song it took on a new meaning and really touched my heart. I thought of Maya's Mom and the Mother's of all the children who have died and are fighting for their lives...it is the song called "Breath of Heaven", by Amy Grant, here are the lyrics:

I have traveled
Many moonless nights
Cold and Weary
With a babe inside
And I wonder
What I've done
Holy Father
You have come
Chosen me now
To carry your son

I am waiting
in a silent prayer
I am frightened
by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone
Be with me now
Be with me now

CHORUS:
Breath of Heaven
Hold me forever
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven
Light in my darkness
Pour over me, your holyness
For your holy-Breath of Heaven

Do you wonder
As you watch my face
If a wiser one, should of had my place
But I offer-all I am
For the mercy-of your plan
Help me be strong
Help me be
Help me

Hearing those lyrics this time really touched my heart. I thought of how this journey in my life now requires the very breath of heaven to carry on. I felt the pain that I knew Maya's Mom was feeling, that horrific pain and hole in your gut that makes you wonder if you can ever breath again-literally. I could literally feel that pain for her. It is a pain that many of you know and understand, it is a pain that manifests itself in many ways. I thought of how desperately the breath of heaven is needed to give us the strength and courage to carry on - to simply be able to breathe again. I thought of how lonely I feel in this pain, only the breath of heaven can fill that empty place, hold me together...it is as though I know that it is truly what lights my darkness and pours over me to get me through. As in the song I have wondered how our Lord could have thought me the one who could bear the loss of her precious son, how could it be me that should have to be strong and continue to show His grace to share His wisdom...listen to this song if you can, feel it, and understand that the breath of heaven is very real. Maybe, just maybe you have not suffered such a loss as the loss of a child...but, I pray that within whatever pain comes into your life, you would pause and realize that the very breath of heaven can be the light in your darkness and can fill those empty painful places that no one sees, and that no one knows about...

Breath of heaven...breath of heaven...I thought of how those leaving this place must understand the breath of heaven. I figure those especially who suffer in great pain and anguish and still manage to find the strength to fight understand this concept. I thought of how many times in my own foolishness and suffering I have been tempted to "quit". I thought of how Robert never desired to "quit". It was as if the more pain he was in, the greater his determination to be healed and whole again became. I have never experienced anywhere near the physical pain I know Robert was in, and yet, in my weakness I would have quit. I thought of him as I realized the breath of heaven is in me now, carrying me. It carried him, I believe it gave him the courage to fight on, and filled his very soul with courage and strength.

I pray that as we journey through this life of ours, we would realize that we have so much that can fill us and encourage us. It may be something as invisible to us as the simple belief that our Lord can literally fill us with air to breathe...all that is required of us is faith.

Peace friends...there will be more leaving us, this I am certain of-our hearts will continue to be broken-this too I am certain of. I am rather sick of it, I must admit. I pray that our Lord sees fit to bring us some more miracles and less loss.

Kathy

Monday, November 24, 2003 5:53 AM CST

Hello there. I hope that you had a good weekend, I hope it brought you some rest if needed, or maybe just a little bit of time to plan for the upcoming holidays.

Today is Matthew's 7th birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATTHEW, BUBBA, LITTLE BUDDY, LITTLE MAN! Matthew had a ball bowling the other night-I think he and his friends had more fun dancing and goofing off than anything. Tonight we will have the entire family over-well those that are within an hour. I thought to myself last night, how did I manage to turn Matt's birthday into a family gathering of 12 or 13 for dinner! Actually, I am looking forward to cooking all day, and getting my house ready for the company.

I must say, all of this excitement in our home is wonderful--but all weekend long I have had a particularly heavy heart. This past Saturday I learned that a little girl I knew from St. Mary's and St. Jude had passed away last week. Her name was Maya Pettit. She was four years old. Maya was diagnosed during the time after Robert relapsed, that is how I got to know of her and got to know her Mom. We both headed to St. Jude at the same time. Maya had a very unusual, undiagnosable type of leukemia. I am not sure if her disease ever had a "real" name. However, she had relapsed last summer, had a bone marrow transplant, and relapsed again...now she is in heaven.

As you can imagine my heart broke for this family. This will be the 4th funeral I attend for a child who has died from leukemia in one year. In this past year I have been to 5 funerals. Maya's Mom, Cara, had a special spot in her heart for Robert. Cara had run the St. Jude Marathon last year-she ran it for Robert. I look at that medal almost everyday. I am looking for her note that she wrote speaking about how she ran for Robert thinking of him all the way...now are children adorn heaven together.

Tomorrow is her funeral.

My friends isn't that just how life is...today, we celebrate Matthew's birthday. Tomorrow I will join many others as a child who will not see another birthday here is laid to rest.

I bid you peace-hold it tight in your hearts, for many things in our life will try to steal it away from you.

Kathy

Friday, November 21, 2003 2:28 PM CST

Good afternoon. Sorry no usual morning post, it can get a little hairy getting the three kids to their prospective schools in the morning.

I hope that you all have a lovely weekend. We will be celebrating Matthew's birthday. Tonight he will be bowling wiht a couple of friends, tomorrow a couple other friends will be over to hang out and stuff, and then Monday we will have "family" birthday party. I decided to make a Thanksgiving dinner for his birthday since all the family will be here. Of course I had to promise Matthew that I would not make him eat turkey--he will have a giant bowl of Mac n cheese for his birthday meal. I am looking forward to having the family all together, since we will be all going in different directions for Thanksgiving.

For me, last year's Thanksgiving was beyond difficult. I can remember at about 2 in the afternoon, I decided that I was not cooking and wanted to just crawl into bed and stay there! Thank goodness our church family had the foresight to send over dinner for our family...I simply did not care.

Matthew is so excited to be turning 7. I am excited for him. So, here's hoping he has a wonderful happy birthday.

Have wonderful weekend, teenage sleepover tonight--and work at my old haunt the Kravis Center this weekend, if only it was for more than a couple of hours...oh well, it's all good.

Take care, Peace to you all.
Kathy

Thursday, November 20, 2003 6:36 AM CST

Good day.

I saw the most beautiful of moons last night. I do not remember seeing one like it, ever. Very large, huge in fact, one could see the outline of it-but only the very bottom of the crescent was illuminated. It was amazing. When the moon is so evident like the one last night, I feel as though I have been caught by heaven and realize who is watching over me. I am almost put into a trance by its presence. Of course, this can make for hazardous driving.

As I drove home the song, "I Can Only Imagine" was playing. I thought to myself. "Yes, I can only imagine." How is it that in life of all the things life has to offer and brings a person's way, it has allowed that a mother should have to "imagine" life with a child because that child is no longer alive. First one has to "imagine" life without this child, then one must "imagine" what life would be like with and for this child...then there is a lovely tune that plays on the radio that beckons to "imagine" what heaven is like--all in a very real world. Needless to say, I shall never spend moment bored for the rest of my life with all of this to "imagine"...

I think I have a title for a book--"Going Through the Motions, a Mother's journey after the death of her child". This of course might be made up by the bulk of this journal. I have started a story simply put, "Robert's Story" for now...someone once told me, that this is a very multi-faceted story-each piece a story within in itself. You guys could write a book about this entire journey--each of you with a different story.

That is beautiful, isn't it? How we each have our individual stories, "imaginations," lives--yet, can come together on behalf of so many others who are hurting.

I have another idea, it was prompted by a conversation held over lunch with 3 other Mom's whose children have high risk cancers...it is this--did any of you hear of the gal who created the web page and asked for a dollar donation to help her get out of debt? I had heard of it a bit...well, we were talking about it, wouldn't it be cool if we could send a dollar, just one dollar, to some of those that we follow on these pages. Now I realize that might be a small fortune for those of you who read tons of pages, but it may only be five or three...or ten. I mean every time I get a piece of mail from one of you guys and see the 37 cent stamp and a card, I am SO appreciative. The idea that someone took the time to write a card, put a stamp on it and mail it is awesome...so just think if we started sending dollars-that could multiply into a lot of money for some of these families, with Christmas coming and all. Shoot, I find a dollar every time I do the laundry-yes, I have been doing laundry like crazy lately ;)...Many of you have been so generous to so many, I know personally, and can tell by the generous spirit within this community...anyway, just imagine, and it is after all, just a thought.

Jess is attempting school. She looks worn out-I hope she is feeling better, stayed in bed all day yesterday.

Take good care, and thanks for stopping by.

Peace to you, Kathy

Wednesday, November 19, 2003 7:56 AM CST

Good day friends. Is it me, or can any of you believe that Thanksgiving is next week? Then Christmas, can anyone do anything about this? Surely someone out there has a connection to the guys who design the timetable and calendars? While you're at it, talk to them about this whole daylight savings thing--again, what were "they" thinking! Dark at 5-6 p.m. AAAAGGGGHHHH!

Matthew and Christina will be playing basketball again this year at First Baptist of West Palm Beach. It is a program called "Upward". They love it. Last year, the program set up a scholarship fund in memory of Robert. They have received donations to date enough to give out 10 scholarships! Tell me that would not make Robert proud! Jeff and I are so pleased to know that this was done in his honor--he did love his basketball, just like his Dad. Jessica has not been feeling well at all for several days now. It is beyond frustrating for her. You know when you are not well, not really totally sick. She is not having any fevers, and not sick to her stomach, just horrible headaches, and aches and pains, and sleeping all the time...we went to the docs yesterday-couldn't really figure on anything. She had her shoulder x-rayed because of some ongoing pain...she hates missing school. I pray she does not get too bogged down with all these days she has missed, that would be awful. How is that for answered prayer...Jess wants to be in school, and misses it!

These past days have been very difficult for Jeff. I understand. Grief knows no boundaries and takes all the prisoners it wants to. He has been very busy working and coaching. Unfortunately, not only does grief know no boundaries, it is also something that no one can really pull you out of--in the end it is up to the individual to fight their way out...pray for him. I know he will make it through--Robert will see to that.

I had this thought this morning as I got out of the shower. I wondered--this does not require an answer--I wondered if the outcome of Robert's predicament would have been any different had I NOT yielded him over to our Lord. I wondered if my yielding was to get the type of outcome that I wanted...I wondered how much of our "yielding" is truly self-centered to get that which we want. Seriously, think on that...in all of life relationships there is yielding required. Do we yield that which we want to get that which we want? I believe it is called sacrifice. However, is it truly sacrifice to have the motive be self-centered? I cannot answer this for anyone. I do not want to. I have truly given up on judging people's motives...seriously. What motivates someone is not my business, unless it directly affects the well-being of myself or my children...that is there problem if their motive is to bring about harm and such...But, in this case, as I look back on my life, my walk, I remember a time when I had just Jessica and Robert. I remember how strongly I felt about being independent and I felt I had come into my own as a person by being their Mom. It was as if being there Mom gave me license to forget about how much I needed and relied on God.

In one very distinct moment in time, I was getting out of my car and heading into our apartment, it was as if God spoke to me. He said, "Kathy, you may be willing to choose to live your life not 'trusting' me, but are you willing to raise those two children without knowing about 'trusting' in me?" It floored me. It was one thing in my adult life to choose to do as I pleased, but a whole other thing to risk raising my children without the knowledge of trusting God. I realized in that moment, the best way for them to learn about trusting in God, was for me to be trusting in God. At that point, my heart changed. Not my life, not my circumstance...my motive was not to have a better outcome in life, more money, more anything...just faith.

For me, I knew in the end, and at the end of everyday, if I do not have any faith, I cannot be any of who I believe I should be...my yielding Robert over to God was not a choice for me. Sure, I could have said I am going to comb the world over and keep that boy alive no matter what...which I did, however, it would not have changed the amount of days Robert had here on this earth. So, for me, yielding may have been a bit selfish, the motive may have been to know I had done all that I could do, maybe the motive was so that in the end I could have a little more peace...I doubt it...because in the end, yielded or not--it was time for Robert to go, that did not exactly bring peace along with it.

So, now I wonder about all of this yielding in our lives to God. What motivates me? Is it because my Pastor said so on Sunday morning? Is it to get a better position in this life...to get something I want...well, that sure does not work, now does it...is it obedience? Is God going to come after me if I am not yielded in my heart to Him? I doubt it...

For me, it is a choice in the way I believe I am to live my life. For me, it is a matter of my heart. Plain and simple, if you looked at me you would not see it, it is not obvious.

By faith you are saved, it is the gift of God, not of works, lest any man should boast...

I do not know what my works would ever amount to, but I do know that I have faith.

God bless you all, I am blessed indeed.

Peace to you, Kathy

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 7:42 AM CST

Good day. It is a good day, truly. It is so very windy and blustery here in West Palm Beach today. The sun is shining, and its warmth is always welcome.

I hope that those of you who choose to, have read the many entries into the guestbook of late. Your words have touched my heart tremendously and have touched the hearts of everyone in this family--I hope that those of you who read there, are touched as well. I hope that you all are as encouraged by "perfect strangers" as we are. The words on this page may be from my heart, and the words in the guestbook may be directed toward this family, but I daresay they stand as a testament to what the power and presence of a person's life can do in another's life. One of my few regrets from this past year, I do not believe in regrets, is that I have not taken the time to be faithful in sending out cards and letters (handwritten) to so many that supported us and sent gifts...I am still working on it. I have a huge pile, and my goal is to have them completed by the end of 2003. I would never want anyone to feel that their gift was overlooked or not appreciated--the very least I can do is put together some snail mail and get things out that needed to be done some time ago...

I want to share with you all some of the day's events of yesterday. After I left here in the morning, as I pulled out of the drive I had the most amazing of encounters. My dear friend, the Mom fighting breast cancer that I have written about several times here in this page, stopped to see me. She had in her hand a card for our family. She climbed out of her car, and I could see her beautiful amazing face and smile. We embraced and cried all at the same time...I could feel her frailty in my arms. She shared this with me, she told me that her and her family will be visiting Robert's grave later in the day, and that she wanted me to know that she has been talking with him alot lately. She shared that she has been asking him to wait for her and to be ready to show her the "way" when she gets there. I said to her, "oh that will not be for a long time..." Her reply, "no, I think it will be soon..." We stared at each other, I touched her arm and squeezed her...she said, "but you know me, Kathy, I will fight to the end, just like Robert...I am a fighter!" In moments like those there are no words...I climbed in my car with tears knowing what awaits her and her family.

I left my house and as I drove to meet my Mom, my cell phone rang. It was a dear friend, one that I met through the hospital, our boys both stricken with ALL. She called to check on me, and to share with me that her son must be re-tested this morning because a "cell" appeared in his last spinal tap. Also, her husband had just been laid off from his job that morning...As I tried to comfort and ease my friend's mind, I noticed it was only 10 a.m. It was only the morning...what a day it had already been. Here I was driving on my way to Target to meet Mom...how wierd is life. I offered to go meet my friend, I offered to be with her this morning as they did the bone marrow, she lovingly told me "no", it would be too hard for her to be with me, too real...I understood.

I shared all of this with my Mom as we met in the parking lot. We embraced and shed a few tears, this day--the day Robert left us. Strange how we can gain strength from that boy even now after he has been gone from us for this time. I thought to myself as I drove to Target, how I have become a master at going through the motions of life doing normal things while I carry so much pain. It is as if I am being taught how to live and not forget all at the same time. I go through the motions of life to try to be a testament of some sort, while keeping those who are suffering close to my heart.

By the afternoon I had taken Matt to buy flowers and Mom had bought some solar powered lights to put at the cemetary. I took the "little ones" and we went together to visit Robert's grave. My sweet friend met us there, and there we were. Mom, my friend, the "little ones" and me...on a Monday afternoon. The world swirled around us, we took the time once again to pause and remember a boy...as we left the cemetary and the gravesite of Robert, Matthew said something very prophetic, very telling for a 6 yr. old little boy...he said, "my birthday is in 6 more days!, I can't wait!" I smiled at his enthusiasm, I smiled and rustled his hair...I thought to myself, this is how life should be. The world should be focused on birthdays, and holidays, and daily life...the nitty gritty of living and laughing and loving...

That is what a boy like Robert would have been doing, that is what he wanted for us--I could just hear him laughing as his little brother excitedly exclaimed that his birthday was on its way!

God bless us, everyone...May life make you smile this day, and may your heart turn heavenward knowing that there is a God who loves you dearly all around you.

Peace, Kathy

Monday, November 17, 2003 6:56 AM CST

Good morning.

It is almost exactly the same time as last year when Robert left us. I remember looking at the clock across the room at 7:55 a.m. when he drew his last breath.

It is almost exactly the same weather outside as this time last year as well. I stood in the kitchen and listened to the windchimes...listened to that familiar hush that falls upon a household when the children are not there...it was that kind of hush that early morning last year. A peaceful reverent hush that came down upon this household and kept us at peace.

Of course the peaceful reverent hush that fell upon us meant only one thing - Robert was gone. His oxygen machine was no longer running, his IV pumps no longer beeping, his t.v. was turned off, and the music that we played to the final moments of his life,was over...the only sounds were the rustling of the trees and the wind that blew outside as he left this earth. Even the children as they shuffled into his room that early morning, were so reverent and quiet. There was a deep sadness that permeated all of us. For me, the strangest was the complete sense of peace that overwhelmed me. I did not know how difficult a journey was ahead of me. I never dreamed how that peace would be a peace that would carry me and my family through the darkest of times in the year to come.

I told a friend last night, it is now that we all truly realize that Robert is not coming home to us again. It is now that the true test of our spirits is being taken. Now as Matthew realizes "who is gonna teach me to 'cast'--that was what Robert was gonna do," we are all completely realizing there is an entire life that we shall live without Robert in it. Again, we must choose if we are going to live or not. The balance that is necessary to find in living and not forgetting is a difficult one.

I have been feeling the need for Robert to be remembered terribly lately. I went to church yesterday morning. I wanted to stand up and share how last year our entire family joined our church family on the same day last year at their huge beach baptism ceremony. I wanted to tell all those people as they talked about he ceremony for this year how we all went on that day after they came and took Robert away, how we all were drawn to that place...I wanted to know that somewhere Robert was being remembered, I wanted to tell someone his story...I needed to know that he had not been forgotten.

As I read the many, many encouraging words from all of you who read this, I realize he is not forgotten. Thank you. I am certain that anyone who has lost a loved one feels this sense of desperation, this undying need to keep a memory alive. I am no different.

Life carries on. The other night as Jeff and I shared some thoughts of those last moments with Robert, he was remembering how he held him for the last time. Jeff shared with me how the last time he carried Robert still sort of haunts him. Jeff carried Robert from the bed to the stretcher that would take him from our home. It had become common practice for Jeff to carry Robert to the bathroom or where ever he needed those last few days...Jeff says he will never forget how that last time he knew he was not there--he knew he was gone. He shared with me how grateful he was to have had that moment with Robert--even though he was gone, but how hard it is to remember. At that moment, as he and I stood there crying and hugging the front door burst open, it was Jessica. She was getting impatient waiting in the truck for her Dad. We said our goodbyes, and I thought to myself, this is just how life is now for us...moments of tears and pain, coupled with the reality that life is still living, moving and carrying on.

Finally this thought. Yesterday morning in church, our Pastor was talking about how we live. He was speaking about yielding to God. He demonstrated by stretching out his arms in front of himself, with his Bible in his hands. He said, this is how we should yield to God, give it all to him with outstretched arms...he was encouraging us to live a yielded life to our Lord, giving Him everything...as our Pastor stretched out his arms and demonstrated yielding, I sat there and had this thought...if most people knew what price they may truly have to pay when yielding to God they would never do it. I thought of how I knew that I had yielded to God in giving Robert to Him, I knew that I gave my son back to Him with outstretched arms...I knew that in giving Robert to our Lord that I also begged, pleaded, trusted and believed He would heal Robert and give him back to me...Our Lord did not do any of this. In yielding Robert to God, He chose to take him from this place. I thought on this for the final moments in church, and ever since. I knew and still know that for me to ever be at peace I had to yield Robert to God. I knew that if I had not, I would always doubt myself. I trusted God then, I trust Him now. He still took Robert. I had no say in his going...Robert was going to die, there was nothing anyone could do-I 'chose' to trust God and yield Robert to Him and find peace in doing so.

Then as I drove home last night I realized something. I think that in this life we as humans accumulate so much "stuff", objects, things, because we can truly "own" them. Anything that exists on this earth that breathes and has a mind we cannot truly ever have...I was a mother who wanted her son desperately to live and be whole again...it did not matter, he was not ever really mine. In the end, no matter who I was, or what I did I could not change Robert's destiny--it was his time to go "home". In living, I am learning to love and yield all at the same time--in yielding I have found peace.


"....Heaven calls for you, before it calls for me, when you get there, save me a place...oh, child of mine, I will see you on the other side..." Michael W. Smith-Hello Goodbye

There will not be words enough in my lifetime to thank you all for being a part of this journey. I am certain a year ago we wondered if we would still be going strong...we are--all of us. God is good. Truly He is. I also want to thank the many, many people who came together to help this family, financially, emotionally, medically--hospital staff, social workers, caregivers--perfect strangers, you have been a bit of glue dear ones, thank you.

FAMILY--Forget About Me, I Love You!

Peace my friends...peace--all is well. Kathy

Thursday, November 13, 2003 11:04 PM CST

Strange I just realized how I start this page lately, with "Good day." Even stranger that right now, I cannot say that. I could say "Hello" or "Hey there..." but not "Good day." Even stranger again...I am going to say that this day is going on the books as one of the worst!

I got fired! Pretty much. My job was only temporary, but after all the accolades and juggling of mine and the kids lives, I thought it might be permanent. So, this afternoon, my "boss" comes out and says, "you're leaving early today right, at 3?" I said, 3:30...he said, well, go ahead and go now, and we won't be needing you here any longer. I will pay you till 3:30, but you can leave now, don't finish the project you are working on..." Stunned you say...I should have decked the pompous windbag as he looked over his eyeglasses at me treating me like a criminal. It was as if he could not bear to look upon me for another moment...it was so strange. I kept my composure. There was no way I was giving this man the satisfaction of him knowing he just knocked the wind out of my sails! I did manage to ask him if I had done something wrong. He gave the standard, "no it is not anything you've done, the company is moving in a different direction." I told him that I would have appreciated a little warning. He stood over me while I gathered my things like I was a thief or something. I faxed my timesheet in, he offered to do that for me, I said, no thank you. I told the folks in the office that I had been working with for weeks now goodbye, and have a nice weekend...none of them knew I was leaving. I wanted to puke!

The worse part is, that the sense of failure and rejection and pain and loss and stupidity does not even begin to compare to how disgusting I feel about everything in my life right now...it pales in comparison to the pain from missing Robert these days.

By the time I drove home from a dinner function tonight that I attended to help a friend, my face was practically swollen shut from the tears and crying. The children had a meltdown too. They were missing me so much tonight, that Jess says no more babysitting ever again (can't blame her) Matthew and Christina were both on the phone crying and begging me to come home...I had turned off the ringer on my phone while I was in the dinner...I did not answer their calls.but

So, not only was I physically ill tonight to the point where I could not eat, my kids were a mess, I lost my job--jerks--and all I could think of as I drove home was how I wanted to fade into the other realm of the unseen known as heaven and stay there forever! As I pondered the pain and the tears burned my eyes, I knew this...I must find my way to live for my children. They deserve a break, they deserve to not be afraid and have their Mom there for them...I must find a way to keep our home a haven for them and me...

My sweet Aunt said to me, "don't let this losing your job be the thing that defeats you completely...Kathy, not now, don't let this beat you down..."

Believe me, there is only one thing that can beat me down, that is my broken heart.

By the time you all read this, it will be Friday, November 14th--my Mom's birthday. The Great Mimi Bunny is having a birthday...she deserves all the best and well wishes she can get! I do love you Mom. I know that you will read this...

I certainly am looking for that shout of joy that the morning dawn brings with it...as empty and pitiful as I feel right now, I must say this--my Lord is near, I know. HE won't let me go.

Take good care, Peace? Kathy

Guess what? The sun came out this morning--I saw it, felt it--the birds were there as well. I noticed that it seemed that none of them had a care in the world, just basking in the sun.

It is Friday, and the children and I are traveling over to visit with family to celebrate birthdays. I bid you a wonderful weekend.

Peace, yes, peace to you all.

Kathy

Thursday, November 13, 2003 10:55 AM CST

Good day. What a beautiful morning to wake up to today around here. I was pleasantly surpised when I stepped out the door for a morning "something" to feel how cool it was. It was lovely. The canals and lakes that I pass along the way were truly like glass. I had not seen them so settled and calm like that in so long.

I can tell that the busy-ness of life these past days has really helped me to keep my mind busy. My co-worker, a woman who gives most of my work to do in the office, said to me this morning, that she plans on keeping my mind busy and occuppied knowing this is a tough time for me. I appreciated her being intuitive in that thought. She said, no mindless work, the kind that you do like a robot and your mind just wanders. She is setting the projects up to keep my mind thinking on other things. I would have never really thought about that, but she certainly has a point.

My office is beyond quiet. No background music, not too much phone activity. Only the typing of my fingers on the keyboard...

Take good care this day as always. Thank you for stopping by. I wonder if I will venture back in the journal pages and read these days from last year...as painful as it is, I do not want to forget it.

Peace, Kathy

****Okay, so maybe I should not have gone back and read the journal entry from this Thursday last year...It was Thrusday Nov 14...I must say though, the words I wrote on that page brought Robert and his life to life at that time...I had forgotten the incident of that day/night, that is a good thing. Reading it again, I could hear the sound of his voice, and the sounds of that day and his room...some sounds not so good, some very good. Like him calling out, "MOM--Sit!" Be brave, read his story again...it will make you stronger.

Wednesday, November 12, 2003 7:53 AM CST

Good day. We have been blessed with the start of a new day. I hope that any and all feel that it is a blessing to have a new day--I know I do. Some days you just want to go away, you just need to put them to rest and get on with it.

Today is a new day, a Wednesday.

I do not think that I have mentioned that my new route that I take in the mornings to drive Matthew to his new school, takes me right by the cemetary where Robert is laid to rest. The strangest of things that I keep remembering, and that has been in the forefront of my mind, is this Wednesday last year. I thought of it as I drove past the cemetary again this morning. I went back in my mind's eye to this day last year. I remembered waking up this day, getting the children off to school. I can so vividly remember that even in those last days of Robert's life, every new morning I awoke with a feeling of renewed hope. It was as if the rising of the morning sun brought me new promise. I remember always hoping that any of the night's rest would have rejuvenated Robert's body. Robert was a terrific sleeper. He was that way as a baby, and when he slept it renewed him and energized him all throughout his illness. So, each day I awoke with renewed hope.

On this particular Wednesday, I had the usual dread of waiting to see which Hospice nurse would show up for the morning, if and when Robert's platelets would arrive. All that sort of whacked stuff a Mom watching her child ebb away looks to do in a normal Wednesday. The part of the day that I focus on comes much later in it though, it happened that night. This was the night that Robert woke up late, and insisted on watching the latest of the Star Wars movies that had just come out. Robert woke up and called to me, he said, "I want to come out there and watch the new Star Wars movie." I was so excited. I remember dragging the recliner out from the spot next to his bed where he slept, and all his oxygen stuff, and IV poles...I can remember dozing on and off through out the entire movie, Robert saying every now and then "Mom, watch this..." just as he always did. He slept in that chair the entire night. He remained there the next day as our home became inundated with visitors coming to pray for Robert. He welcomed them all. I remember the children being so surprised to see him out of his room.

I remember this as well...the next morning, Robert was looking out the back doors. I asked him if he wanted me to open them. He said "No!" vehemently. He was still so afraid of germs. He then said, "Mom, next time I sleep out here, can you put a blanket over the doors.?" I asked him if it scared him to look out them at night, he said yes. I also realized that it was a tradition for him and his Dad to watch movies in the dark, and they would always cover the windows with blankets. I felt so sad this day as Robert told me he was afraid of the windows that night before. I do not like my children to ever be afraid.

This was the last night Robert was out and about...the last movie he ever watched here with us. Fitting it would be a Star Wars movie.

This morning as I drove past that cemetary, I went back to this day last year. I went back to those days when Robert was doing all the last and final things he would do here with us. I went back to those moments as every moment brought not the healing that we longed for, but the continued failure of his body. I thought of how that week we lived with hope and promise, and all along his body was shutting down part by part, organ by organ...

I never thought Robert's heart would ever stop beating. I knew he may stop breathing, I knew he needed help with that...but, somehow, some way, organ by organ, his body stopped working--his heart stopped beating.

As he was afraid that day, Robert believed he would live to watch another movie, he believed he would be blessed with the dawn of another day.

One year later, this day--this Wednesday--I drove past the cemetary where my Robert's body is laid to rest. I drove past that place on my way to take Matthew to school.

It is a new day, a blessed day. Robert is not here, but somehow, we have managed to make it to this day. I have hope in it, and in the next one to follow.

God bless us all. May His peace guard your heart and minds In Him.

Peace, Kathy

P.S. As I walked down the hall of Matthew's school, after peeling him off me, I saw a child I had known from the hospital. She was just 3 when I met her, she has ALL. She is doing well, she symbolized hope and healing...I was estatic to know she is winning her fight...the Mom and I sat and tried to communicate, she speaks no English-I speak a little Spanish. She told me that one of the precious boys that went through treatment neck and neck with Robert just relapsed. I wanted to spit I was so mad! So, I will find this Mom, she is fragile at best, I will find her, and tell her there is still hope...I want her to believe in a new day.

Tuesday, November 11, 2003 8:18 AM CST

Good day. It is a good day. I suppose that many of you have the day off from work. I know the children are happy to be home today. I am at work. It was a very quiet drive in to work as the roads were pretty bare, apparently everyone has the day off except our office! It is a bit odd to have it so quiet on a Tuesday, it makes it feel like a Friday...

The weather around here has been so unusual. The skies have been so busy. It has been dreary and cloudy, and at the same time so amazingly beautiful in the evening, it beckons one outdoors. Jessica has taken to evening walks. It seems that her little sister really enjoys tagging along, and it is a nice thing for them to be able to share. The moon has been so bright that our neighborhood is totally illuminated. Prince, the beloved pain in the neck, refuses to come in at night. We chase him around the yard, and then after a couple of minutes running after him and trying to coax him in the house I realize it is lovely outside and let him be.

Funny, I am one that has long appreciated the dawns and dusks of the day. I love the early morning newness that a day brings. I in turn love the way a day closes out and brings that gentility of a sunset and the soothing nature that we made it through another day. I have not been a great fan of the nighttime though. I spent many nights very afraid of the "dark". I have suffered alot with a lack of feeling secure in the night. Since my childhood. I was never afraid of the dark, but I also never would sleep alone when I was a kid. Many of you knew of my complete anxiety of the night shifts that were associated with Robert's treatments and hospital stays.

When Robert would be in-patient overnight, I would almost have panic attacks. I could not bear to be in the hospital at night, and at the same time I could not bear to leave him. I lived torn and in a state of limbo and fear for so many of those those nights. I would go home and gather the other children and we would huddle in my room. Many times I would lock us and Angel the dog all in my room out of fear that something would happen. This happened alot when Jeff traveled with basketball as well. Robert almost always went with him on those trips as well.

That flight I took into the night last week really helped me in healing much of my fears. Seeing our world from that perspective and feeling that I was getting a glimpse into another realm gave me great peace. I have thought of how much the darkness of our world represents. How in the night there is so much that exists and comes to life and tries to take over life that it is scary. I thought of how I used to feel that the devil himself came in and tried to steal Robert like a thief in the night with his disease. That is how I felt those months with Robert fighting as he did. That a thief came in to my home and was trying to rob my son, and destroy my family. That may have been the case--Robert's cancer may very well have been something that could have destroyed all of us, it took Robert, but it certainly did not destroy him.

My glimpse into the night of the heavens that evening, and every evening since, helped me realize that there is much that luks in the dark of night, much that tries to rob us and shake us to our core. Nevertheless, the God of peace and love that I know is just as real in the night as He is in the light of day. I may not know if heaven has a day and night. I do know that the darkness that may exist in heaven is there only for a purpose of whatever our Lord has chosen it for, it is not there to represent evil and create disharmony as it is here on our earth.

It is the peace of God that surpasses all understanding.

So, now I am at peace when my teenage daughter and her friends want to sleep out back on the trampoline. I am at peace when they sit in the driveway and talk for a couple of hours at night. Don't get me wrong, I know how to be careful, but I am learning to not be overcome by my anxieties and fears of the unknown. This is such a crippling fear. Many of us understand this and have tried to live in spite of the grip it takes on us...

It is the peace of God that gives us the courage to sleep at night, to dream of tomorrow, to wake again and face a new day.

It is His peace that can give us courage -- and His grace that carries us through it all.

God bless you and keep you feeling safe and secure in this world of ours.

Peace to you all-- all is well.
Kathy

Monday, November 10, 2003 12:30 AM CST

Good day friends. I wonder, how many of you were fortunate enough to watch the eclipse on Saturday night? I was fortunate enough to be sitting on a porch and able to watch the entire eclips. It was amazing--maybe the first one I saw in its entirety since my childhood.

As one noted in the guestbook, obviously I did not make it back here to write this weekend. I am hoping that as my life adjusts to all the new changes, I am able to continue with the desire to write and such. I must try to find a way to be consistent in getting that which lingers in my thoughts and mind to a page--somewhere. I have missed my writing. I do good to get here and document common everyday incidents of life...

Which by the way, are beckoning now. So, this must be brief--the weekend was a good one. Homecoming, was tremendously uneventful, I did not run into a single person from my college years that I did not already know about Robert and such. Anyway, I am hoping to be able to sign back on later.

Thank you.
Peace, Kathy

Friday, November 7, 2003 9:18 AM CST

Good Friday friends.

Is it me, or is life just taking over everything! Or rather everyone...seems that as it continues to ebb and flow, we are becoming a much busier group of people. How grateful I am that any of you take the time to stop here, take a peek, and take the time to pray, sign in, and encourage this family--this Mom. It is my prayer that if ever I can encourage anyone that I be used in that manner. I trust that in the simple fact that so many still come together in this format brings encouragement.

Friday is here, and all is well in the Charlton household. You won't believe this...yesterday, Mimi Bunny drove over to pick Matthew up EARLY from Aftercare, and he REFUSED to leave early--he was having too much fun! You got to love that! Mimi was more than happy to let him stay...Jess got her report card, she got 5 A's and two B's! She is on the honor roll. Also, she received her test scores from last year's standardized testing--she knocked it out of the park and scored in the 99% range. How about them apples! I am beyond words with the pride I have in Jessica. No matter what or how she does in school, I am and always will be very proud of the kind person that I have known her to become. Her brilliance and beauty are just icing on the cake! Christina, she continues to be the level-headed delight to be around. She too continues to etch out her own identity and is very sensitive to those around her--all the while not losing herself in the crowd. She is a magnet of sorts.

I am looking forward to a nice weekend with the children. A sleep-over is on the schedule for this evening. Tomorrow we will attend a Homecoming day full of fun for the children. It will be very interesting as I am certain to run into old acquaintences from my college years. I am also certain that some of them will either not have heard about Robert's passing, or at least will give their sypmpaties to me. It will be certain that none of them know about Jeff and I splitting up...it should be interesting to say the least. I would not be going if I did not feel up to the challenge. Hopefully the rest of the weekend will be a time of catching up.

Have a lovely weekend, and take good care. I am sure that I will find time to write this weekend, I need it!

Peace to you, Kathy

Thursday, November 6, 2003 8:14 AM CST

Good day. The weather here is so bad I don't even think that the ducks are happy. The view from the 16th floor literally looks as though we are under water! A perfect day to stay home and watch cartoons and do laundry--oh the good ole days.

I have been thinking much about what we as a family should and will do in honor of Robert on November 17th. It is truly mind boggling to think of the events and life changes that have occurred in this year. I am certain that you all can even place yourselves back in time to those days and final moments up to the moment he left us. At this moment I am recalling stories from people who adored Robert that did not even know how close to his death he was telling me later how they could not sleep that night and how they knew and could feel that he was leaving. Strange how when I think of that final night with Robert and all the events surrounding his passing how completely at peace and amazed I am even today at those events. It had become my mission to guide my son. It was my mission to fight for my son, and in the end it became my mission to lead him on from this place. I felt that his room almost glowed and that a spirit of peace and love permeated all of the house. I am not certain that those who were there would agree with this statement, but from this Mom's perspective those final moments with my son were some of the most precious, amazing life changing moments I will ever know.

So, I am trying to figure out how to honor my son on this sort of "anniversary". Actually, I continue to contemplate how I am to honor the memory of Robert daily--I still believe it is to be in my work somehow. I need direction in this area; a vision.

The Charlton family is completely different, and new. Yet, most of the main components are intact-sans Robert. The way we must juggle family time is a familiar thing, yet different. I will continue to fight for continuity and peace in my home and in the lives of my children. I must make sure that I have continuity and peace in my own life and heart so that I can be all that I need to be for them.

Thank God I serve and love a forgiving Lord who I have come to truly understand is full of grace. Full of grace, we all should strive to live with that.

Take good care--all is well.

Peace, Kathy

Tuesday, November 4, 2003 10:20 PM CST

Good day all. It is actually getting kind of late here on the homefront. Jessica is stirring doing some final preparations for her school day tomorrow. It is quiet and still. Even the dogs are sleeping. I hope to be sleeping soon too.

The other evening as I was flying on Halloween night, I thought of many things. I relaxed with my headset on. I listened to music I had not heard in some time. Music that I usually save for my walks and my time when I am so stressed. The songs always bring to mind Robert. There are times that I cannot listen to certain songs and such...they bring his image and his life so to the forefront of my mind the pain and longing to see my son overwhelms me. As I listened this night, I began to dream of him while I was awake.

Normally when I fly I cannot gaze out the window because I get motion sickness. This night though, the sky beckoned me in a very unusual way. As the plane reached its top altitude and we flew above the clouds I thought of heaven. I gazed out into the sky. I felt as though I had been allowed admittance into a realm that is much closer to heaven. It was as though our Lord showed me for the first time this vantage point and I had this sense that as He allowed our flying machine to glide through the air He was keenly aware of our presence in His heavens. I was amazed at how everything looked so clear and how different it all seemed from this perspective. I felt like a visitor. For those few moments in time I felt very close to my Robert. As though I was in his backyard, or his neighborhood.

Robert no longer dwells in my house, or plays in this neighborhood. He dwells forever in heaven in the house of the Lord. He now lives on in a realm that I cannot see from here. As I stared out at the most beautiful sight I have ever seen--the backside of a sunset--I could plainly imagine heaven. The sun had set beneath the clouds. It left a deep red and orange cast on part of the sky. It sort of made a hedge around the lights of a city or town. All I could see were streets winding surrounded by lights in the distance. I imagined these were the streets of heaven. It all seemed so far away, but so close. The sun's colors looked like lava. A huge sea of lava that kept the rest of the universe at bay from this city of lights. It seemed to form a protective barrier. A barrier that no one could sneak past. I wondered if in heaven the fire of hell can be seen. I wondered if this is what it would look like. Deep red, firey and far off...the lights of the city seemed to symbolize that there was life all around. I felt so priveleged to be in the heavens and to know that I was as close to my Robert as I will be in this lifetime. I felt like I had a glimpse into his new home, and neighborhood. It felt so warm and inviting. So peaceful. The skies were so tame.

I needed that. I needed that vision. I needed to be able to gaze out into the heavens from that vantage point and feel close to Robert. Heaven holds so much that I love now. My Dad is there, my Grandmothers, friends, and my son. I felt more determined than ever, as I gazed off into the distance, knowing that life continues on in another place...more determined to live this life that I have left to the fullest.

I know that they see us. I felt that as I was passing through their realm they allowed it. A great cloud of witnesses we have. Their vantage point is not one of judgement or criticism. I know their's is one of love and hope and peace for our tomorrows and our time that will eventually come for us in heaven.

It may have been brief, but I know I was blessed to feel so close to heaven, so close to Robert.

Thank you for stopping by this page. Our God is an awesome God, He reigns from Heaven on high, with wisdom, power and love...our God is an awesome God.

Peace, Kathy

Tuesday, November 4, 2003 11:38 AM CST

Hello everyone. Well, we have made it this far, November, WOW! November is a month full of wonderful birthdays in our family, today being one of them...it is my younger brother Bryan's birthday! Happy Birthday Bryan! You are getting to old for me to remember exactly how old you are, and if I remembered it would make me realize that I am not still 29! I hope you are well. Matthew's birthday is this month, my Mom's birthday, Uncle Steve, Cousin Tina...so, this month is full of lots of good memories...as we move forward carrying with us the pain and loss that this month also brings with it, I am grateful that we as a family can be reminded of the good that this month entails as well. I must also mention that Thanksgiving was Robert's favorite holiday!

I made it back from my trip in one piece. The dogs were still alive and well, the kids too! My house mysteriously became a disaster area even though no one was home most of the time and the dogs were outside...oh well, that is a symbol that life is still happening and I must be glad for it!

My time away was wonderful. Not too cold, but beautiful. The leaves were lovely the people even better. I was in the North in Connecticut with a special friend visiting some with some of their family. Thank you for your prayers and encouraging words about my anxiety of flying, I could feel such a peace as I knew all would be fine.

I must end this page at the moment...I will be back later with some thoughts I had the other night as I traveled. I wanted to let you all know that I was back, safe and sound...

Peace to you, be back later...Kathy

Friday, October 31, 2003 12:58 AM CST

Good Friday friends...Happy Halloween! Things are a buzz around here.

I spent the morning with Matthew and Jessica. Drove her to school late...and then went to Christina's class for a party. I am very grateful that I got to be with them all today before I hopped on a plane North.

I really wanted to stop by here for a minute and tell you all something before I got on a plane this afternoon...I am not fond of flying, many of you know that. Anyway, God knows and sees all...He is sovereign, that is certain. I know that while I am gone He will be watching over my little ones just as if I were here...

Please remember to stay close to those that you love. Be safe this night if you are out trick or treating. This day has not been as difficult as I anticipated it would be...I feel as though I have come through some sort of a part of this process that really brought some healing and finality to my life. I feel more at peace. I have been letting go of certain "ideals" and allowing myself to grow, and letting the pain and such take the root it needs to bring about proper healing for a richer fuller life. I see it in the children as well.

I will leave you with this...last night the kids and I were walking along to go to a shop in a local mall area where Jessica's school has an Art gallery. Jess had a piece of art on display there, and we wanted to go on opening night...anyway, Jessica was telling Matthew that he must not "run around, scream and yell, and act wild!" Matthew said, "okay, I will just do what I always do, you know, think about what I always think about..." He then said, "I bet Robert is having alot of fun where he is..."

I trust and pray that wherever you "are" you are having "a lot of fun too!" Take good care this weekend, I will be back on Monday. I am hoping to see some Fall leaves this weekend.

Peace to you all. Kathy

Thursday, October 30, 2003 11:55 AM CST

Good day faithful followers! It is a lovely day here in West Palm Beach, I hope it is lovely where you are.

The kids are getting so excited about this weekend. Halloween, and Matthew's final soccer game of the season. I will be out of town this weekend, yes, some R&R without the kids! It should be wonderful. I will say this, where I am going promises to be rather cold, maybe even some snow. This will the first time I have ever missed Halloween. I must admit, this little trip is keeping my mind on other things, and the blues I expected are not "haunting" me at this time.

I know that the children will have a wonderful time this weekend. I have made arrangements so that they will not miss a thing. Jeff will be in town, and Mimi Bunny is even been called in for a "special" assignment!

Not much to report here...work has been busy, which is nice. The house is a mess, the dog is still peeing in the house, so you see it is all NORMAL around here! That is what we love and crave, right?

Have a lovely day. Peace to you all. Kathy

Wednesday, October 29, 2003 8:35 AM CST

Good day. I trust this finds you doing well today. All is well here.

I guess I should have been a little more specific about the whole life being normal question I posed yesterday. I like chaos. It gets me going, and keeps the blood pumping. I figured out what I was really driving at with that inquiry yesterday morning. Maybe "normal" is what I am living, but I think that when I look at what my kids have been through this year, I feel like they need a break in the upheaval that has become our life.

Yesterday afternoon after I drove to pick up Christina from school, then drove to pick up Matthew from school to deliver them to their new aftercare program, I realized that there life has been turned completely upside down. As I watched the two of them march off into a crowd of kids and after-care counselors none of which they had ever seen before, I thought of how brave those two are. I thought that in a year's time they have not only had their applecart messed up, they have had it turned over, dumped out, and all the apples made into applesauce! That is alot of mush for a kid to have on his plate. I watched those two little brave kids and knew that as kids they are resilient and such, but I decided they need a break!

I walked off thinking that in a year's time they have lost a brother, lost the family unit they knew by becoming children of divorce, their Mom is no longer picking them up after school, they go to different schools, different aftercare programs...not much is the same in their young lives--except the pain in the neck dogs! So, I realized what I was craving was not "normalcy" this is our normal, but I would like my kids to have a break from some of this reality that is our life. I guess it hurts my heart to know that so much has been tossed at them.

I am continually, daily amazed at the strength and resiliency these children show. I am working very hard to help keep balance and peace in their lives. I am working hard at keeping balance and peace in my life so that I can be prepared to guide their lives.

I am blessed. I know this.

Thank you for stopping in. Peace to you.
Kathy

Tuesday, October 28, 2003 10:47 AM CST

Hello out there. Well, can you believe October is almost over? Time sure flies when you're having fun...

Okay, all you experts out there, let me hear from you on this one...Does it ever become normal? Or rather, do things ever sort of settle down? I had this thought this morning after getting up for an early morning walk, waking the three kids, finding a red t-shirt for our beloved neighbor who came over at 7:15 for a ride to school, and feeding the dogs, making lunch, and getting dressed for work...after I dropped one batch of kids off, then the other batch off, and then after I registered my young ones for another after-care program...yes, I forgot to get gas, and will probably run out--good thing I have on comfortable shoes...anyway, I digress; I had this thought--Do the everyday changes of life ever become less complex? Is my life ever going to have just the normal day-to-day stuff that life has to offer in it? Maybe, maybe not--but I will still need to put gas in my car!

Well, enough of my complete and utter non-sensical(is that even a word?) rambling. Now on with the good stuff. Matthew LOVES his new school. He informed us that he has already made two new friends. He tried to tell me that he was not going and such this morning. But, he went, and narry a tear was shed, by either of us. Last Saturday Matthew and I were talking as we drove along. Matthew told me how he has been thinking of Robert sooooo much lately. He said that he can't stop thinking about him. I asked him if being at his school reminded him of Robert alot. He said it did. I also asked him if that is part of the reason he thought he wanted to change schools. He said yes, that was part of it. Can you imagine? My 6yr old son has already realized that in choosing to change schools, he might remove some of the pain he experiences in his everday life. Granted, Matthew is not exactly running from his problems. But, I am so very proud that he is able to give voice to his feelings, take ownership of them enough to make choices about his little life.

Jessica is glad to be home. She is glad to be back at school, and not too worried about having to do the catch up work she missed. We have started talking about which high school she will attend next year. Oh My Goodness! I cannot believe that time is here already! She will be "required" to "audition" to get into the High School for the Arts. The other choices are Magnet schools. The days of going to your neighborhood high school with your friends are gone around here in Palm Beach County, long gone...many of her friends will probably be at the High School for the Arts...so that would be a good fit, I believe.

As a parent I think it is a good idea to teach your children early on that though we do rule their lives, they have some choices. I tell them all the time, that they may not like something, and are always "entitled" to their opinion, but, they must respect others and such as they voice it.

I guess I answered my own question. Who am I kidding? High School will bring about all sorts of unpredictable changes and nothing will ever be normal again--as I pointed out to the children at dinner last night (yes, I actually cooked! Don't laugh!) NORMAL has long since been given up by me.

Take good care, thank you for stopping by.

Peace, Kathy

Sunday, October 26, 2003 8:41 PM CST

Good day. I am writing actually in the evening before the good day.

Tomorrow I may not get a chance to update in the morning. I will be moving to a different spot in the office and will not be at a computer. At least I still have a job for the time being. How awesome that I can actually update from the comfort of my own home!

Can you believe it is the week of Halloween? I cannot. The children are so excited. I will actually be out of town for Halloween this year. That is so strange for me, I have not missed a Halloween with the kids in 13 yrs! Okay maybe it is more like 11! Anyway, I will be travelling to the cold North for the weekend. The kids will be here with Jeff and I am sure Mimi Bunny will be here as tradition holds for the big event. Halloween this year will of course be a bitter reminder of Robert's last Halloween.

I will never forget that day in the hospital. We came home in time to get the kids out for trick or treat. Robert wanted so much to spend the Halloween night with his best friend, Ryan--just as he had grown accustomed to. So, he called Ryan over. The boys sat and watched tv. Then suddenly the front door burst open and Ryan's Mom and I looked up to see the boys wheeling the wheelchair out the door!! Robert was determined to trick or treat...Ryan pushed his wheelchair up the block. Martha and I walked behind holding each other's hands and crying. We knew we were watching a final moment between two best friends. We knew it was their last time to be boys together...so, we made it about a half a block and Robert was in too much pain to go any farther. We headed home.

I do not even remember if Ryan came back to see Robert after that night. Almost every morning he would leave a note or a picture or a card at the door on his way to school. But, he told his Mom it was too hard for him to come and see Robert so sick...Robert felt the same. He did not want his best friend to see him as he was. Ryan's Mom, Martha came early one morning and sat with her Robert for a time...that too I will never forget.

Matthew had a wonderful soccer game on Saturday. He scored two goals, and his team won! He loves the game, and is quite good. I have loved going to the games and all of us being together for that. Basketball is next. Both Christina and Matthew play that one.

Well, tomorrow should be interesting. I hope I can get the kids off to their 3 different schools, and then me off to work! Ha, this should be interesting! Wish me luck!!

Have a lovely day.
Peace, Kathy

Friday, October 24, 2003 8:07 AM CDT

Good Friday friends. I thought to myself as I left the children off at school that it was Friday. I began to realize that time does change and as it passes a certain healing can take place.

I thought of that dreadful feeling, that pit in my stomach that I used to get every Friday for those two years. Mainly during the latter part of Robert's last 6 months. Being in a hospital over the weekend can be awful. I am beginning to set new patterns and have much more to look forward to now as the dreaded Friday arrives. It is a good thing to have been able to move past those feelings. I wanted to share that with you all here. It is important for me to relay to the world that though there is suffering and pain, some of it changes and some of can be moved away from .

Today is Matthew's last day at MeadowPark Elementary. This in itself is so very strange. Jessica and Robert and now Christina love their school. It is a wonderful place. You all may remember that last year they held a Car Wash, Bake sale and raised $3,000 dollars to help our family! That was amazing. We kept our house because of that kind of generosity. You will also recall that they hosted our entire family and friends after Robert's Memorial service and burial. They pulled together enough food to feed an army--no joke! It was amazing as well. Needless to say, this place has a very special place in my heart. So it is with mixed feelings that I allow Matthew to leave. It is so cool to watch him though. It is as though he knows he must blaze his own trail in life.

I asked Matthew about how he told his class about Robert the other day. He said he just started talking, and they wanted to listen. I asked him if he would share with his new class about his brother. He said, "I dunno." I wonder if part of him is trying to move on his life as well. I know for me as I walk those halls I see and feel Robert everywhere. It is a step of faith moving on from that safe place. All you parents know how bittersweet it can be as your children move through milestones in their life. I am certain that you can imagine that now every milestone closes another chapter and moves us farther away from Robert's time here with us. It is hard to move away from his time here. It is a distance that you feel you must allow to exist to be able to move on in life, but a distance that puts a greater space between one reality and another. It is easy to remember Robert as he was now. It is so close to his time here. But I know as the children grow and life moves along the complete sense of what could have been will always be there.

This is much the way I feel when I watch baseball, or see an older man and his older son. All milestones in life that are reminders of a child taken from this place way too soon. It amazes me how I see in each my children that are here with me a story. A life and a story waiting to be lived and written. Many have encouraged me to write Robert's story. I realize that there are many stories encapsulated within this very large story of Robert's life. There is a story about an older sister, a younger sister, a little brother; a story of a Dad, a Mimi, a best friend...a Mom. There is a wonderful story of a website that has brought countless numbers together to learn about a boy, life, and living.

All I ever truly wanted in all of this, is that some how, some way whether obvious or not--that the Lord be glorified. I believe that is what is truly going on here. As lives have been touched and changed I know it is through His spirit and love that it all happens and has been turned to good.

You may remember me telling you all about a wonderful neighbor, Mom and friend who was battling breast cancer. This amazing woman was diagnosed the week after Robert. She cried and pleaded for his very life asking "why Robert, why not me?" when he relapsed. She relapsed the next week after Robert relapsed. Not long after we lost Robert her cancer was found in her brain...here we are a year after losing Robert and precious Maria is fighting for her life. I cannot tell you the love that permeates and is reflecting from this woman and family. I have rarely seen such bravery and grace in a battle ever in my life...please pray for this beautiful young mother and wife...she is very sick. I learned of this yesterday. Her cancer had spread to her liver and part of it was removed through surgery. She is not recovering very well.

Do you think Robert can fight for her from where he is? He adored this woman, they compared bald head toghether, and their smiles were equally as bright.

Stay close, life is moving along--we all must keep moving too.

It WILL be a lovely weekend. Jess is coming home today.

All is well. I trust this. Peace, Kathy

Thursday, October 23, 2003 9:39 AM CDT

Did you here that? Did you all here the "OH MY GOSH!" That came out of my mouth...The webpage is fixed for real! I can access it from home as well (I hope, I have not tried). The folks at Caringbridge have really worked hard to get this page up and running properly. They have even called my home to speak with me in person, of course I am never there, but at least they tried. So, here's looking forward to early morning page entries, and late night ones too! At least at home I can take the time to edit the page--a pet peave of mine, so excuse the typos for a little longer.

It is an absolutely beautiful day here in West Palm Beach. It is a bit hazy and a bit cooler. I have come to really enjoy my job. The environment in my office is one that is just the right mix of professionalism and friendliness to make me feel right at home. The woman whom I have been filling in for is coming back on Monday. I have been put on some sort of notice. I am working for Mellon Private Wealth Management. Mellon is a wondferful company. I am technically a "temp", but do not work or fit in as a typical "temp" may...I could easily make this a permanent fit. So, they are going to try to "keep me busy" and "around" for as long as they can. Our office is a new one to Florida and is growing in leaps and bounds. They will need to expand in the "future" and I would love a place here. I am going to see if I can at least work part-time on "temp" status until that time. Mellon's usual practice is not to hire temporary people, but we all know I am not usual! HA!

At first for me I felt a bit odd here. I thought I should be doing something that is saving someone, or impacting someone's life. You know me, save the world and all the children in it...well, I have come to appreciate the simple fact that my focus in life must remain on myself, my children, and those I love dearly...not necessarily in that order. A job that pays well, provide a healthy stable environment and not much stress is quite a blessing. Did I hear an amen? Now look, this place has allowed me the opportunity to find my way back to this page. My life and efforts may not be solving any great world issues, or curing any diseases, but in small ways each and every day things happen and lives are affected by mine. I must be grateful for this.

My Dad used to tell me that he could have seen me as a "Pioneer Woman". He also used to tell me that he could see me canoeing up some old river in the jungles of Africa with my 6 kids in tow as a missionary. The coolest thing about my Dad was that I always knew that no matter what I ended up doing with my life, his vision or mine, he would be proud. I used to wonder if I should take his vision literally, than as I grew up and took note of how he lived, I realized that all he ever wanted was peace and harmony. His love never wavered, nor came with a price. It was never given expecting something in return. It was steadfast and consisitent, maybe not sugarcoated as some might desire...but always available.

So, I must run....take good care. Be back soon.
Peace, Kathy

Wednesday, October 22, 2003 11:57 AM CDT

Gee, I wonder if I will ever believe this is really working again...things take time in my mind to settle in and become believable--even simple things. What a simple pleasure of life our cyber highways have become to us-never thought that would be a blessing I would learn to not take for granted.

Here we are, Wednesday--halfway through another week. I met with Matthew's teacher and the school psychologist this morning. He is all set to move to the "gifted" program at a nearby school. Matthew has tested very high and we have been encouraged to put him in this program. Matthew has held fast to the fact that he wants to go to his new school. We will be making the change on Monday morning. It never fails to amaze me that Matthew is as bright as he is--not that he is not supposed to be bright, good genes and all that, but, of my children he received the least instruction as a preschooler. You know what I mean, we never drilled him on his ABC's and counting and coloring and such. I will never forget how I learned that he knew how to read. We were snuggling in the bed as I read my Bible. This was on a night that I had come back home for a visit from Memphis. As I read silently all of a sudden Matthew started reading the words from over my shoulder. I was amazed. I asked him when did you learn to read? He said I don't know I just know how. He had just begun kindergarted a couple of weeks prior. So, it is with mixed emotions that I transfer him out of our beloved school, but it is hopefully something that will benefit him greatly in the long run. Don't worry, Mother Hen will be close at hand to make sure he is adjusting and happy.

It is one thing to keep tabs on how my children are adjusting and coping, but keeping tabs on myself is another whole issue indeed. Apparently I am vulnerable after all. It seems though I am not the only one. Robert is heavy on all our minds these days. It is obvious. Yesterday as we walked to the car after soccer practice, I looked up and saw the most amazing sunset. The sun was peering out of the clouds making streaks upward as if to shout "I am here!" I stopped and said to Matthew, "look at that sky-can you believe it?" He said back to me, "It looks as if Robert is trying to rise up from the dead..." I noted that would be amazing wouldn't it. Here we are a year later, both hoping Robert would rise up from the dead...all the while knowing the truth. Another thing that happened at the meeting with the teacher this morning was this, she told me that yesterday Matthew stood up in front of his entire class and told them all about Robert's story. She said he explained about his disease and everything...she noted that the children were so intent on listening and she almost cried. She said she could not believe how Matthew stood there like a little man talking so eloquently about his brother.

There you have it. We are all finding our way. I feel almost haunted these days of late. The images and memories have been playing over in my mind like a movie that is all too real. I am beyond blessed and grateful that I was able to be with Robert through it all...but looking back, knowing what I know, knowing that he was dying as he was--the pain, all the events...I keep thinking of how certain staff at the hospital kept telling me to accept Robert's dying and help him accept it...I want to scream at them and tell them they were nuts! Never accept that someone is dying while they are living...there is plenty of time to accept the finality of their death later. Robert never thought of his dying--not out loud at least. I read the pages from last year at this time...I read his words that I wrote there. I read and felt his spirit, his pain, his courage...He did not plan on dying. I read all the words from the doctors, I knew he was dying, but did not make mention of it and lived as though he would live. I read the part where the children--mostly Matthew--told Robert that he would be free of cancer for Christmas. In the end, Robert was free. We may all be free from the disease that took him, but we all know that freedom comes with a price...Robert bought our freedom from this disease. Now it is our job to find our way to freedom from the grief and emptiness that is trying to rob us of life now.

Continue on...move forward--stay at peace in your heart.

Peace to you all, thank you for staying near.

Kathy

Tuesday, October 21, 2003 12:28 AM CDT

Oh my GOSH! Can you imagine...here I am right where I belong! I am so excited I cannot stand it! Of course I am at work, so I probably should not be doing this right now, but I am ready to beg for mercy if I must...this may be brief I was not quite expecting to be an opportunity to write. Oh the pressure to seize the moment! AAAAGGGGHHH! I hope that you all have the proper visual expression that goes along with that--red-headed woman standing with her head cocked back fists clenched yelling it at the top of her lungs...got the picture?

All is well. Truly, at the end of the day it settles that way. Jess is having a wonderful time in the Big Apple. I am thrilled about this, I cannot even be bothered being jealous I am just so pleased that she is happy. Matthew seems to be holding up-as long as his Mom gets to walk him to class he is okay. The other little boy we have not heard of any more incidents about. He is very emotionally, and mentally challenged. That is why irate behavior and anger was totally unappropriate...of course that is toward the child and his family who is no doubt suffering as they try to help him find his right place as well...still no excuse for the school's attempt at handling the situation.

I have thought that maybe, just maybe my inability to have this outlet in my life was a sort of test. A test to see how determined I am to make a difference in this world in honor of Robert and all those suffering in the world of childhood cancers. I am determined. My voice will be heard in one way or another. I am finding all sorts of new and unusual aspects of this grief thing...I cannoy begin to believe that anyone could put a time limit on such a process. It has truly permeated my life--some obvious, some hidden, undiscovered as of yet. I have begun to realize I cry all the time, daily--normal, certainly--a way of life for me.

Some of what goes on in my mind must stay there. I am pondering it as I go along. Some of it, I wonder if it is too graphic and such for the world to read. I will go there when I can.

This is brief, I am so happy to at least give you a new page front to look at. I will see if my new employer has a problem with me accessing this on my "time" while at work. Keep your fingers crossed.

My heart is heavy with pain as I read Diane Keel's journal page. My heart is heavy with joy as I read the Bunkelman's page (SETH)...their joy and hope of new life is beyond the moon for me! My heart gets angered, and is still encouraged as I read Zman's page...our world does not care too much of our plight, but thank our LORD Zachary is still here and going strong!

Peace to you all. Much love and thoughts go out to from me.

Kathy

Friday, October 3, 2003 8:47 PM CDT

Hello Fellow Readers of the Robert Mitchel Caringbridge page. This is Mimi Bunny-Guest journalist. Kathy has not been able to access her page to write in the journal, so she asked me to let all know that she is still here in spirit.
It is now becoming incredibly close to the time that we lost Robert last year. Kathy's mind floods with memories of these times.
We all remember our first time. Our first kiss. Our first child.......... Kathy is remembering the times that will signify her last times with Robert. For Kathy and Jeff the last few months with Robert were filled with fear and hope. Anyone who has waited on test results for a child knows. You hang onto each fact and turn it over and over. What does that mean? When will we know? Why is it like this? Robert was strong and determined in his will to beat this disease and he kept us all hopeful with his laughter, jokes, and spirit. Never could you imagine losing a child. Not our Robert. I remember all the prayers and blessings we got from all around the world, from neighbors, his school, our church. It was hard to go anywhere and not run into someone who knew about Robert's plight. We all wanted the same thing--
While Robert was in St. Jude's, his room was being built by the church for his homecoming. I was here with the other kiddies holding down the fort. The kids tolerated me quite well. It is not easy being separated from your parents for months at a time. But then, nothing about these times were easy. We all wanted Robert back, safe and sound. Our prayers became our mantras, all fellow worshipers of the universe of one boy, who had now, very quickly, become a man.
I cannot go over the times in my head. I can only tell you that Robert was one great guy. He was funny since the day he was born. A natural comedian. The cornier the joke the funnier, he laughed like no child I have heard since. Take Robert to the movies or watch Saturday cartoons with him--you're gonna have some fun. Watch him throw a ball or catch a fish--you will be mezmorized. Listen to him sing or talk you out of something--you've been had by one sharp cookie. Look into those deep, brown eyes with lush lashes, see the smile that could win over an old man or a puppy. Watch the sportsman in him wind up for a pitch, ride a wave into shore or run all the way home from school, you would see a child who never would quit. A child who had no fear. Our boy wonder who lived each and every second to the millesecond and then some.
I know what Robert would be saying to us all now. He would be urging us to laugh, to love something or someone, to give the gift of yourself openly and freely and to never, never give up. Robert was always the first one up each morning, the last to bed. The quickest to try anything new and yes, the most loving and open hearted person I know. We all learned so much from the man/child Robert who gave us so much in too short a time. I am still learning! And laughing. And crying.
Now, for all of you loyal followers of Kathy Charlton, I promise she will be back online soon. I hope that I have given you something to hold on to until she returns. I must let you know that I feel blessed and honored and priviledged to be part on the Charlton clan and to call them my family and to know that I am loved by them.
Good night and God bless you and keep you safe, Mimi Bunny

Thursday, September 25, 2003 8:18 AM CDT

Good day to you all.

Many times over the course of the past couple of days, I have found myself realizing how very precarious these days were for Robert this time last year. How very precarious these days this time last year were for many of us--yet, to date, those of us reading this page have obviously managed to work through that which was threatening our well-being. I have been thinking on the reality of what the beginning of October was like last year at St. Jude. It is a haunting...

The reality that each of us, even those like myself and Jeff took for granted Robert's health. Here we were at transplant and Robert was recovering from the most heinous of treatments, and it was as though we all just assumed he would "sail" on through just like he always did. Odd to me how Robert never really embraced the idea of being the poster child for any cause related to his disease. He loved the kudos and such, but his goal was to simply get on with his life...you know fish and hang out with his best friend, aggrevate his big sister, have his Mom cook his favorite meal and be able to eat it--those sort of things. Yet, in the end of it all, Robert has become a sort of "poster child". Not necessarily for how to live through his disease, but how to live, period.

The simple true shocking fact that Robert was never supposed to die as he did, yet died just the same, has changed many of us forever. That is what I told them at the Leukemia Society. I said to them, let me tell those racing, running, raising money, about a boy with no genetic markers, no indicators against him, no major complications...let me tell them about a boy who was never supposed to die, and died anyway.

I signed up to tell them about a boy who in the end lived every moment and taught us how to live.

Jeff took the children to school today. They stayed with him last night...so, I can assume they are all safe and sound in their classrooms since I have received no phone calls. Me, well, I will start again this Sunday with the new classified ads and my search for a job. I am waiting and hoping to hear back from my alma-mater for college about two positions I would like to apply for...we shall see. For now, the bills are getting paid--sort of!

If you are a brave one, I wonder if I am, reading the pages from the beginning of October from last year should be very telling. So very strange to be able to look back on your life knowing that what was endured was the most unimaginable--watching someone you love fade away from you without being to do anything...and that someone being your child...looking back and realizing that you have endured.

Peace to you all...all is well.

Kathy

Wednesday, September 24, 2003 7:53 AM CDT

Good day friends. Wow, this is a first. Right now at this moment I find myself staring at the blinking cursor wondering what words are in my mind to type on a page today.

Have you ever finally had the opportunity to say exactly what was on your mind and freeze? You know the moment. For me it is usually when something has angered me and I must live with it in my mind for a time until I can confront the issue properly. Unfortunately, many times of late by the time I finally have my moment to speak my peace, I am at peace again and that which angered me so much has left me. Maybe that is a good thing. I do not savor lashing out in anger much these days.

The other night I came home after running a quick errand. I came home to dinner plates not put away in the sink, papers all over the room where the kids do their homework, no baths had been started, dogs not fed...you get the picture. Well, I decided to go "there". You know what I mean, I decided that it was just as good a time as any to light into my three children who were so engrossed in the Disney Channel. So, I started my old routine of ranting and raving...I'm sure any of you who had a Mom or are a Mom know the drill...the whole "you guys do not do anything I ask you speech," and so on...Well, Matthew and Christina jumped to attention like little soldiers, Jessica well, she did not move at first. I think she was a bit stunned. I have not really "yelled" at the kids in sooooo long. But, here I was, ranting and raving like a Mom out of control who needed a cup of coffee really bad. Jessica finally looked at me and said, "Mom, would you just stop yelling...Why are you yelling at us?!" Good point Jess...

Good point indeed. There was a time when all I could was yell to feel like I had gotten my point across. Well, not anymore. I may have seemed like I enjoyed hollering at the kids, but really I never did. It was the sort of hollering that came from vent up stress and frustration that never had anything to do with the actual mess they had made, but the visual of the mess they had made would set me off...you know the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back" and all that...

All those long days of waiting and learning patience in a new way while sitting in the hospital with Robert really changed me. There was no point in screaming and yelling. There was no point in any form of hostility at all. The only thing that mattered was that we stayed the course, fought the battle with precision and determination--we were steadfast and consistent. Robert taught us how to be patient with each other and ourselves. I can only imagine how badly that young boy wanted to scream and yell and run and hide...but never did, never gave up, and ulitmately could not hide from the cancer that took him. He stayed the course, was determined, steadfast--and very patient.

I guess I did have something to say after all. Have a lovely day, thank you for stopping by. We appreciate so very much.

Peace to you and yours,
Kathy

Tuesday, September 23, 2003 10:34 AM CDT

Good day to you all. Mom and I were just talking about how we cannot believe it is October just around the corner. Honestly, I could not even begin to fathom making this far in this year. Now it seems to have gone by so quickly. It is strange, but the farther away from losing Robert I get, some things are "easier" however, there is this awful feeling that the farther away I get from losing Robert, means it is just that much longer ago that I saw him. It isn't like I focus on the time when I get to "see" him again--the reality of when the last time I saw him is much more prevalant and comprehendable.

So, Mom and I talked about Halloween coming, then Thanksgiving. It pains me to think of Thanksgiving last year. The week after Robert died. That was his favorite holiday. He loved the FOOD, the fact that there were no presents, and most of all that his family was all together. Here we go again. I am certain I will blink and it too will be nothing more than a memory.

On another note, I am sure that you all are familiar with the phrase, "Stop, Drop and Roll." You know to put out a fire. Well, this morning I adopted a new phrase for my morning ritual, it is: "Stop, Drop and Run!" That is exactly how I must leave Matthew at school everyday. Standing somewhere safely in his school crying. Yes, it is pitiful and I am not a good stop, drop and runner-type, but I am learning.

Again, changing notes again, I would encourage you parents out there to glance through some of the papers your little ones bring home for you. This morning I found a wealth of information that I never knew just waiting for me in Christina's packet of papers. They brought a smile to my face, now I want to share some of the tidbits with you all. The page is about "Wacky Laws". For instance, did you know that in California it is agains the law to peel an orange in your hotel room. Good thing we weren't in CA the year Mom hid oranges in our hotel room in lieu of Easter Eggs that year! Can you imagine they would have called the SWAT team in for that infraction. In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same bathtub at the same time...in trouble again are we? Oh, yeah, also in Baldwin, CA you cannot ride your bike into a swimming pool, it is against the law--shucks! Hey don't worry, you Southerner's are next...Atlanta, GA--it is illegal to tie your giraffe to a telephone pole. This must be in response to the huge Zookeeper's convention they hold there annually! In Vermont you can go to jail for whistling under water...of course, you would probably be going to the ER first because you would be drowning. A personal favorite of mine, in Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth! I am so glad to know that I live in a state where anyone can drive anything and park their giraffes anywhere they want!

Have a great day. Take care.

Peace, Kathy

Monday, September 22, 2003 8:26 AM CDT

Good Monday day! This is the last day of summer according to the Principal at the kid's school this morning...I thought summer was over weeks ago. I can already feel it in the air that the time change is coming...that means Halloween is right around the corner as well.

Friday night we did the Light the Night Walk for the Leukemia Lymphoma Society. It was amazing just as I had heard. There was a tremendous crowd and it was quite the festive evening. Our "Team" was smaller than other teams, and definitely less organized...however, we were there all together nonetheless and had a terrific time remembering "our boy" and honoring those still in the midst of the battle.

For me to have us all together, Mom, my older brother, Jeff, the kids, Jessica's friends, Robert's other Mom, other friends whose children are battling their disease...to be there all together in that capacity is a victory of sorts for each of us.

We arrived, the children and I, and got all of our registration info turned in. We walked around the back to where the festivities were set up. I walked over to the "Mission Tent" to find a spot to wait for anyone who was joining us. Right over my shoulder hung a very large photo of Robert right next to one of Seth...all night long there in the distance you could see these two sweet boys looking down upon us. We stayed right next to Team Seth as we waited for everyone to arrive. It is so unexplainable to know that these two precious boys left us so simultaneously. Every time I see the Bunkelman's it is so very bittersweet. They have become so devoted to helping the fight against this disease--they are a tremendous encouragement to me and are one of the main reasons I realized I must get involved again myself.

I have pledged to our local chapter my help in any fashion. I have committed to attend, speak, fundraise, anything. I hope they take me up on my offer. The event Friday night was certainly something Robert would have loved. As we walked along, toward the end of the walk, the kids with us started chanting "Robert, Robert, Robert!" One of the boys that came along with us did the walk just for Robert because he knew if Robert could be with us he would be there...so they chanted. Some of the designated people that were along the route handing out water and cheering us on began to chant along with the kids...they chanted having no idea of who Robert was or that he was no longer here with us...it was so very strange to hear them chanting his name as if to cheer him on in a race. To the children he had already won his race...it was really something.

For me, to be able to be with friends and family where we were all in one place laughing, living...enjoying life, for me that is the biggest blessing of all. It was an honor to be in the company of so many who may never even have had this disease touch their own lives, let alone attempt to devastate it...to have so many come together encourages the weakest of hearts.

So to any who read this page, to any of you out there who come together in the name of love and friendship to encourage with words, money, hugs, or love those fighting for their lives--to you I say Thank you. I am a Mom who knows first hand what devastation lurks on the horizon after losing a child. There will never be words enough to say how important the love and support and encouragement of those around us means.

Yes, tears were shed Friday night. There is not a special colored balloon for those who have "lost" a child to this cancer to carry. Survivors carry white balloons, others carry red balloons...part of me wondered if we should not be carrying black balloons. I wanted the people there to know that Robert had died from this disease. Not to shock them, or cause them pain, but to tell them they must keep fighting because children like Robert, Seth and Jalen die from this disease...so, our children were not honored-they are now only remembered.

We have become the survivors, and we were never the patients.

I am so very glad that even though we were small in numbers and I did not get organized as I should have...we were there-altogether remembering Robert, Seth, Jalen and too man others...as well as honoring so many who are still fighting...Jessica, Kyle, Ryon, Brittany, Ryan, Mary, Mitchell...too many!

Some how I managed to get all the kids to school today. Many tears were shed, almost a little kicking and such...but, no phone calls yet! You see, there is always hope!

Have a wonderful day.

Peace, Kathy

Friday, September 19, 2003 6:35 AM CDT

Good day friends. Wow, another week flown by us. We are gearing up for a busy weekend around here.

Yesterday morning I received a phone call from a neighbor/friend. She called to tell me that her husband had called her to tell her that Robert's picture was in the local newspaper. They could not believe it. In the Sports section they ran a story about bug collecting and such. There it was, in full color--Robert Charlton age 9. The photo was taken in 2000. I couldn't believe it either.

I wrote to the staff writer who wrote the article. I told him who Robert was and such. He wrote me back and said that he did know Robert and his story. He had actually even met him at a mutual friends house some time ago. He said that his editor picked the photo and did not know about Robert. He apologized if running the photo caused me any distressed. I responded by telling him that no, the photo did not cause me any distress...I told him that for a fleeting moment Robert was brought to life again. I told him that many people would look upon that photo and never know that it was of a little boy who no longer lives here among us...and that they would think he was right where he belonged. I thanked him and thought of Robert's meaning of his name--"shining with fame!"

Last night in Birmingham 3 women walked in memory of Robert in the Light the Night Walk for the Leukemia Lymphoma Society. Two of these women never even "knew" Robert personally. One is my best friend from my childhood. They said it was beautiful and emotional and they felt honored to honor Robert in this way. How honored I was to know they would do this. How honored I am to know that so many who never "knew" this boy have considered Robert to be "their" boy as well.

Tonight we will walk together in the local Light the Night Walk. Many of us will gather to walk officially as "Team Robert". Jessica is bringing a couple of friends from school, another sweet friend of Robert's from St. Mary's will join us as well...she is off treatment and doing well. So many will be there. Some that have never been touched by this disease more than by the simple fact that they let a "perfect stranger" into their life.

I know that tonight we will see many of the friends and families that we have grown to love and now encourage on while they are still fighting. We will walk in memory of Robert, all the while knowing that so many are still in the midst of the battle and fighting strong.

It will be a time to walk in that place where sorrow and joy exist...sorrow will be heavy on our hearts and our minds will convince us to consider the joy that is around us while we walk in the beautiful night air. I am glad that a "survivor" will be walking on our Team...she will be part of the joy that fills the night air.

Have a great weekend. Two job interviews today for me...

Peace to you all.
Kathy

Thursday, September 18, 2003 8:21 AM CDT

Good day.

I had to laugh when the anonymous "someone who cares" person posted in the guestbook that I should let the world know "what" kind of job I was looking for...I had to laugh because wouldn't I like to know what kind of job I am looking for! Let's see...I am looking for a job that enables me to be as available for my children as much as possible. They are still in crisis mode and just because the circumstances of my life have changed drastically I hate that it means the circumstances of their's must follow suit. I also want a job that pays alot of money and wants to hire a woman who has basically been unemployed for the past couple of years other than her measley part-time job. I have a college degree, but no Master's degree in that field. I was kind of hoping to work with people as opposed to working with a machine and paper...although there is much less conflict when you work with less people. I would hate to have to work too many nights and too late in the day so that the kids would not have to be left with a babysitter and such...you see that is why I need a job that pays alot of money; there is the factor of childcare...many of you are all too familiar with it. I have applied for jobs with a retail linen company, a national retail company, a national bank, a case worker, several part-time companies including one in the petroleum industry--I have applied in person, sent in a resume and all that good stuff. I have considered nursing-need schooling for that--teaching, very long, time-consuming application process would be ready for hire about Christmas time...now I am moving on to the Private Christian school industry...all the while not even sure if my children would be able to make it through a school day without losing their fragile minds.

Yes, I know they are kids and they are resilient and such...I know they will bounce back. But, I also know that they are in a very tough spot. Life has not been very "good" to them of late...they have been forced to swallow a rather large dose of reality and as their Mom if I can in any way shape or form help them navigate this part of their life, than I must find a way to accommodate them. It is not their fault that their parents no longer live under the same roof, nor is it their fault that their brother is not with us, and that their Mom must now work outside of the home...I have always worked outside the home in one capacity or another...but, I have always been there when the kids needed me.

So, a job probably utilizing my communication skills would be the best thing. Something will give. I am not worried. Something always gives, don't you think?

Oh did I mention I needed a job that got me home by 5:30 so that I could get the kids to soccer practice, and dance lessons...I do not know how families function with so many things going on at once...I guess I better get organized! I am torn between getting caught up on my laundry now while I have a chance, just leaving it because I will never be caught up!

In all seriousness..."someone who cares" I haven't a clue as to what sort of job I am looking for, my choices seem to be somewhat limited...it's all good.

Gotta run, it is early release day so I need to pick the kids up in 2 hours from school. They cannot start in the aftercare program until next week; they are not too thrilled about that, I am really not sure what I will do when and if the three of them are in 3 different schools--we may be moving Matthew to a new school.

Ain't life grand! You just got to love it...I do.

Peace my friends.
Kathy

P.S. My best friend in Birmingham AL will be walking in memory of Robert tonight in the Light the Night Walk! Two of the ladies that follow this page are hoping to join her and make the walk in his memory as well! Isn't that awesome! Have a great night.

Wednesday, September 17, 2003 8:08 AM CDT

Good day friends. No, I cannot believe it has been 10 months since Robert left us. I told one of my dear friends yesterday that it seems like forever ago that he was here, yet, it also seems like yesterday all at the same time.

I must admit, lately, it is almost like I have to make myself not think about Robert. If I can put it into words, it is like I force myself not to think about him...force myself to not remember so that I can continue to find a way to stay focused on the present. One would think that with 3 children, the prospect of finding a new job, and all that life entails with the hustle and bustle of family life, living in the present would never be an issue. Well, it easily can become one if you are not careful. It is a very strange mix trying to hold on to the memory of one lost, and at the same time move forward with life.

A very strange mix indeed. I understand that keeping a memory alive is key; I want to keep Robert's memory alive no matter what. I will carry pieces of him with me everywhere I go for the rest of my life. It is a balance that must be found in order to continue to be a productive person in our world. As one heals, and moves through the maze of emotions that comes with grieving and living at the same time--everything becomes so different. So, I found myself yesterday thinking of my sweet boy that left just 10 short eternal months ago...I found myself thinking of him and his last days. I had to literally shake myself out of it and get up and keep moving--Forward. He would want that.

I will leave you with a story. Last night while at dinner with our wonderful good friends and neighbors we remembered Robert. We began to speak of his last days, they shared with me how honored they felt to be at his bedside his last day here on earth, and how honored they felt that they could come see him after he had left us and how at peace he looked. Bruce shared how he will never forget Robert rolling his eyes at him as he did when he made a joke to him hours before he passed on...then Bruce shared one of my favorite stories--it is the story of the day he met Robert. Robert was about 8 yrs. old. The Favre's had just moved in across the street. Bruce and his 12 yr. old son were out in the front tossing a baseball. Robert wandered over across the street and introduced himself. "I'm Robert" he said. "You know I'm pretty good with throwing a baseball, I can teach you how if you want!" Bruce said he remembered looking down at this scrapping little 8 yr. old. He said I told him, "Hey Robbie, you can come toss a ball with us anytime..." He said Robert looked up at him and said, "Thanks, and my name is ROBERT!" and headed home...

Here we are...a lifetime away--and his name is still "ROBERT"--and we all have come to know him so well.

Peace to you my friends, thanks for stopping by.

Kathy

P.S...the girls are doing well with school; Matthew continues to struggle. We'll find our way, we have to.

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 1:47 PM CDT

Good day friends. Well, now I guess my early morning posts are getting fewer and farther between...I need to make sure I get to try to post sometime during the day for my faithful friends who log on while on their lunch break at work! :)

All is going well with us. All the Charltons made it to school today. Matthew has been struggling every day with school. It has not been at all easy for him this time around. He is doing well though...he had a nagging cough and it is keeping "us" up at night so getting to school in the morning has been even harder for him. Yesterday he was so upset and crying that the school nurse finally gave in and called me. She said he was beyond pitiful wanting his Mom. He keeps talking about me and when I start working...I hope that he is able to handle that when he knows I am not right around the corner from school. We shall see.

Still waiting for a job to come my way. Now don't get me wrong I am not sitting around eating bon bons all day...actually it would be Hershey if I were...but, I am trying to find something suitable-whatever that means.

No deep thinking today. I did get smart though, and picked up a "nighttime" cough medicine that should not Matthew right out so we can both get some sleep. Almost gave it to him a minute ago, and than remembered soccer practice...he needs to pay close attention at practice--that way he can perfect his technique!

Take care, be back in the morning!

Peace,Kathy

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