**Robert Mitchel Charlton** April 28, 1991-Nov. 17, 2002

I began writing Robert's page over 7 years ago-back when he was "sailing" through treatment for leukemia.
Robert died from his disease.
Now, we live without him every single day.
My words are how I live without him.

Thank you for reading.

Journal

Thursday, June 25, 2009 10:34 AM CDT

Have I ever mentioned the family business? My family is in the Salvage business. It is the kind of business that gets in a person’s blood. Once infected you cannot escape its grasp. It dawned on me recently that I am in the family business too.

I have been thinking a lot about demolition. I know demolition is not the same thing as salvage. I am well versed in the area of demolition, utter destruction-complete annihilation. I have been thinking about this aspect of my life for some time now. As a kid growing up, I watched my grandfather tear apart a building bit by bit scraping, digging, ripping, and tearing at the core of a structure to salvage any morsel of worthiness from it. At the onset, a salvage job can be pretty straight forward. What you see in front of you is what you pay for and hope to make your money back reselling it. I learned very early on, that when my family bought a job, they not only bought the obvious things in the scenario, but all that was hidden deep within. I visited many job sites-I even worked on a few. My brother would give me the tools I needed and set me to a certain task-I would work until the entire section I was to strip was complete. It was very cool.

In salvage work you never know what you are going to unearth. That is what makes it so exciting. It is what is supposed to happen in life. In life, you are supposed to build a structure that is so sound you can tear at it, rip it apart piece by piece and the shell that is left should still be able to stand alone. Every single day bits and pieces of us are taken away, sometimes shredded and we are left feeling so hollow that we are near destruction. Just like those buildings when my family was finished with them.

I realized that I have suffered the reverse of this process twice. Robert’s cancer was a complete destruction of a human body. We fought hard to salvage his body-he fought hard to salvage his body. In the end, the cancer demolished my son. Death was the ultimate annihilator-it was the ultimate destroyer. Death left no remains to sift through. Or so I thought. Or so it would seem…

I have come to realize that though my son’s body was demolished by cancer-I , as his mother, have learned to salvage the life that was my son’s. I made a decision a long time ago not to let his demolished life lie in a pile of rubble and forget the sheer magnitude of his short life. That boy lived-he loved-he laughed…to sift through and learn from the rubble of his death(life) has been the most worthwhile mission of my life.

I felt demolished again from divorce. Another “D” word. Do you see a theme here? Demolition, Death, Divorce-dare I say-Damn! What an equation-Death=demolition; Divorce=demolition. Man, a double whammy. The death of a relationship can definitely destroy a person-any person. It is true, no matter how you cut it; divorce is the complete destruction of a significant part of a person’s life. It can leave one with nothing but rubble to sift through. Many choose not to even sift through the rubble. They ignore the ruins of their life and move on. I believe when you have children choosing this path can lead to true destruction. Obviously, with divorce, if there are children involved they are the most important part to be salvaged. As an adult I had to make a choice to put myself to the side and salvage my children’s lives first. That was my choice - that was what was obvious to me.

After Robert died, I sort of took the whole terminator mode I was in and realized my failing marriage was dead too. I figured it was the time to completely let it all be destroyed…I did not anticipate how much work it would be to salvage. I realized that in one way or another, everything in life gets buried-either literally buried in the dirt like Robert’s body-or buried in our souls. I took all that was buried within me and allowed it to be demolished. It was as if I let all the grass in my life die with Robert.

Now you know when all of these thoughts started-last spring. Each day I watched my yard drying and shriveling up into nothing salvageable. It was so bizarre for me to watch as my once beautifully landscaped yard shriveled up into weeds demolished by the sun. I just let it go. I had to. I had no choice. I am glad I let it all die. I am also glad that I let everything in my own life die as well. I had to let it all die, or be demolished, to find anything worth salvaging.

One very hot, dry day when I was in my backyard, I found a piece of building material. I stood there looking at the dead grass and the piece of metal. It was a piece of something that had been buried for over 7 years; a piece of something that would never have been found unless everything was dead. I grabbed hold of that piece and pulled it up until I found the end of it and realized all this time it had been buried there covered in the grass…never to be seen until my yard was completely demolished. I stared at that piece of crap. I realized that no matter what we do, how we cover it up or how destroyed we may be or feel-there is something alive buried inside. At that moment I looked at my house. I looked at the very room that was built for my son, the very room he died in…I realized that I have spent the past 7 years salvaging a family from destruction. We were demolished…we were demolished as individuals and collectively.

Somehow we have managed to take a house that was destroyed by death and divorce and the heat of life-and turn it into a home. We have home that does not give off the stench of bitterness, and anger, and sadness; we have a home full of love, kindness, laughter, generosity and peace.

I never wanted to grow up and be in the family business. I always wanted to blaze my own trail into life. Who knew, the family business would save my family-who knew? Who knew that after cancer destroyed our family and demolish one of us, there would be such goodness to be unearthed in the rubble? It took some time, it took a lot of tears, and a heck of a lot of courage for each of us to unearth the goodness that we now share. I hope my children never have to face the destruction that their mother has faced in life. But, this I know-it is in them to salvage their lives. They too are in the family business.

We are all facing being demolished in one way or another. Everywhere we turn there is so much pain, and loss…loss of income, divorce, death-the three greatest destroyers in life. I wonder: Will you try to salvage what you can? Or will the goodness remain buried in the rubble forever…? I am not sure how much goodness there is within me, but I now know that it was in the demolition of my life I found myself.

Ah.I wonder?

Peace. Kathy

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Hospital Information:

No hospitals in heaven!
No address in heaven

Links:

E-mail Author: ckcharlton@aol.com

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