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Journal
Wednesday, September 10, 2008 8:11 PM CDT I had the most unusual dream the other night. Funny thing is, I have been thinking about how I have only dreamt of Robert 3 times since he died. I mean I seem to dream about him all the time during my “awake” hours, so one would think that he would creep into my asleep time as well. The few dreams I have had he is literally alive in them speaking to me…not so in the one I had the other night. Actually he was not in it at all, I only spoke about him in my dream.
In my dream I ran into an old friend. My old friend used to be Robert’s teacher when he was in preschool (one of his teachers). She of course adored him when he was a small boy, as did all of his teachers. The long eyelashes that surrounded his big brown eyes complimented his thick girlish curls and created a sweetness that all of his teachers loved…even if he was all boy! So there she was, Robert’s preschool teacher, in my dream. In my dream I realized I had not seen her since Robert’s funeral. I hugged her and told her how I had been thinking about how sad I always was for her loss…you see her son had died as well. He was murdered. (this is true) In my dream I told her how deeply sad I was that her son had died as he did, how I had a glimmer of understanding of how a mother’s guilt bears down on a woman’s being like a vice grip on a piece of wood. We talked about how people would feel more sorry for her because of how her son died. His death was so awful and senseless…than this warm-hearted, wise woman looked at me and said, “What do they know? Both of our sons are dead no matter how they got that way…” I replied, “You are right in the end they are just dead and anyone whose child has died understands this. No matter how they get that way, they are still gone and we are left to live without them.” We hugged and smiled a sort of strange comforting smile that only 2 mothers whose beautiful sons were both dead could…
It was strange how I found such comfort hearing her words in my dream. Maybe I wanted them to negate the words that another mother once said to me, “at least you got to say goodbye…” Those words are so bizarre to me. Those words make me want to scream: “Hey YOU, have you ever watched someone you gave birth to stop breathing right in your arms and know that you cannot beat on their chest and bring them back to life, or call 911 to save them!!??” or “Hey YOU, have you ever sat by your child’s deathbed and waited and told God ‘okay, now would be a good time for that miracle,’ ‘anytime now God…” I think I admired Robert’s Dad the most when he angrily confessed to me (some time after Robert’s death and we were recounting his passing), “Well, I LIED, I did not want to let him go—it was NOT OKAY!” Even though it was “just a dream”, I know this friend and fellow mother would have said exactly what she said to me in real life as she said in my dream. I need to find her. Her face has not left my mind since that night…
I just read the most beautiful story. I cried and cried as I read it. A father and son were drifting off the coast of Florida after being swept away by the current. As they drifted the father would say to the son, “To infinity” and the son would shout back, “And Beyond!” The son was not able to verbalize many things he was autistic. So, the only way they communicated was through catch phrases that the boy could remember. They called out to each other as long as they could…night fell upon them and the father could no longer see or hear his son. He feared his son was lost forever…my heart was filled with joy as I read that the boy was saved and very well. I am grateful that for this father and son, infinity and beyond did not come to them.
There is something in the air around here. I believe it is Robert’s spirit. I suppose he always comes to life during this time of year…right before the anniversary of his death. Sometimes his absence is so palpable that all of a sudden we are talking about him saying the exact things that I am thinking in my head and not sharing with anyone. Maybe the something in the air is found in the amazing life of his little brother. Us girls are so impressed with the youngest one of the family. He shines. He is outliving his older brother…uncharted territory in this family. You see when Miss Christina headed into her teen years and middle school; her sister had blazed a trail for her to follow. Matthew, he blazes his own trail. I watched him from the kitchen window the other day. He stood there with his head cocked just so staring off into space. He looked exactly like his brother with the exception of his blonde mop of hair at the top of his head. It was truly a spectacle for me to behold.
It won’t be long now when all of Matthew will have outgrown any memory or expression of Robert’s that we have to remember him by…we will watch Matthew and instead of seeing a resemblance, we will wonder if that is what Robert would have been like or looked like…
Precious Charlton children, continue to blaze a trail into “Infinity and Beyond!”
Peace,
Kathy
P.S.
Hey YOU, yeah, YOU-all the “YOU’s” out there…good, bad, or indifferent-you read here, and I thank you.
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