****MEGHAN'S JOURNEY **** WHEN LIFE KICKS YOU, LET IT KICK YOU FORWARD

JULY 23, 2000 - FEBRUARY 7, 2003

Bi-Phenotypic Leukemia

On Friday, February 7, 2003, Meghan put her pink fairy princess wings on and went to Heaven. She will forever be in our hearts and we know she is dancing and shaking her booty in Heaven! She will remain a Fairy Princess Forever!

Another Angel Takes Flight
TAYLOR DELANEY MACK
Stillborn December 19, 2003
Trisomy 18


"There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots; the other, wings." Cecilia Lasbury

Journal

Tuesday, July 22, 2008 9:24 AM CDT

Things That Go Bump in the Night…….

Last night as I was drifting off to sleep, the wave that I have been trying desperately to avoid hit, and hit hard. I began sobbing uncontrollably and could barely breathe with my nose so stopped up I was gasping for air. Unfortunately for my boyfriend, he had never been witness to a total meltdown and had no idea what was happening. Between my gasps for breath I tried to explain that Meghan’s 8th birthday was coming up on Wednesday. As you can imagine, there is not much someone can say, but he was there and he cared and I know his heart broke to see me like that.

Unfortunately I knew this was coming, I just didn’t know when it would strike. I’ve told my friend Ann many, many times as she endures her journey that you can never tell when you will be hit. It comes out of nowhere and leaves just as quickly. The analogy I have given her many times is grief is like a valley. Sometimes you need to go in there, wallow in your grief and get out as quickly as possible. I was unable to take my own advice, and for that, I paid for it with the puffiest eyes this morning and sinuses that are truly miserable.

So, last night, as my thoughts wandered and I knew where I was going, I thought I would only be there a minute, so I left the car running, the lights on and went in to the valley of grief alone. I didn’t plan on staying long, rather, maybe a few minutes at most. But I got in there and started wandering around and it began to sink in further all that my daughter has missed, all that I have missed and all that her brother and father have missed. And I began sobbing hysterically. And it kind of felt good. You bottle up that grief too long and the valley pulls you in and makes you take a good hard look around. The worst part of the valley is you don’t like what you see. It is dark, it is lonely and there is no one, except for the unfortunate few who have endured the hell of losing their child, can understand what it’s like in there. You probably are thinking as you read this, you knew you were going in, why didn’t you get out? Think of something else….Well, that’s a good question, but one that clearly can’t be understood unless you have been there with us. Sure everyone has endured grief at some level. But a child? We, are a small group and the wounds are deep and unforgiving. The best way to envision the valley of grief is to imagine yourself walking somewhere, anywhere, and every where you turn, each step you take, there are razor blades slicing tiny little cuts into every inch of skin on your body. One slice alone is bearable, but they add up, and they come quickly. Each slice a reminder of a giggle, the look in their eyes, the potential they had to grow up and be a great person and lead a happy, healthy life. But those slices, each and every one of them, are forever a reminder of all that you have lost. The slices scab over, but are easily opened when least expected.

So the wounds were opened, and I grieved for Meghan. The fact that it has been five years doesn’t mean a thing. The feelings are as raw and hurtful as the moment she earned her wings. I don’t believe that will ever go away and I know I will go in to the valley again and again and the pain will be as bad as ever. But that is all a part of this life I have now and I have to accept that there will always be very, very dark days (or nights) that are as painful and vivid as Meghan’s last days were.

So, although I was able to get back in my car, turn up the radio really loud and hightail it away from that valley, I know that I will never be able to drive far enough away and that on occasion, my car will make its own right turn toward the valley and I will once again be brought back to that horrible place of despair and hopelessness, but I also know that I can get out of that place, and that is what lets me wake up each morning knowing I am one day closer to seeing Meghan and Taylor again and that although I don’t like the reality of my life, it is what it is and I will go on hoping that I am worthy of seeing my girls again when the time is right. So for now, I trudge on and ask you all to say a Happy Birthday Cha-Cha-Cha for my sweet brown-eyed girl tomorrow on what would have been her 8th birthday. Happy Birthday Meghan, my Sweet, Sweet Brown Eyed Girl…CHA-CHA-CHA…. I love you baby doll….. Love Mommy.

Good Night May…. Mommy Loves You….. Daddy Loves You…. Tommy Lee Loves You…….EVERYBODY LOVES MEGHAN!

Good Night Tay….. Wish ya could’ve stayed awhile……

Carol
Mom2Angelz

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Hospital Information:

Heaven's Playground

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E-mail Author: MMM723@aol.com

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