Journal

Monday, October 3, 2005 9:58 AM CDT

Hi to All!

I know that this is long overdue, reason’s why, I am not sure of myself… except that I needed time. I thought that if I separated myself from thoughts of hospitals, cancer, and other families beginning the path I walked, everything would somehow resume back to normal. I think the most exasperating part of all was to find out that no matter how hard I tried, (and much to the misunderstanding of some family and a few friends) I am forever changed. I want my innocence back & my belief that only bad things happen to bad people. I want my faith restored in humanity. Unfortunately, for me, and possibly others who have traveled this road. REALITY; will forever be emblazed in our being like a brand. I no longer look at life with the same awe & wonder, nor do I feel, the same lightheartedness and joy I once experienced and took for granted.
CANCER; not only does it cripple you financially and emotionally, it robs you of many other things. Even after it leaves, the imprint is there whether you beat it or lose. It echoes and haunts the soul. The things that I witnessed my daughter & others endure to sustain life equals with those who endured the concentration camps in Germany and maybe worse. To be a caregiver is a role that we do (did) unconditional because of love. When that role is over, we are left with a void. For some, it is a point of accomplishment, yet for others it is an overwhelming sense of defeat. In my case, I had no regrets in decisions that I made, but I had anger because I knew that my daughter deserved better. She was supposed to get better, finish college, and have the wedding and children with Chad she had always dreamed. She was a good person. Now I am in this alienated, elite (more like defeated) group of adults who have lost a child. I once tried to express condolences to a mother that had lost her child to an accident, she said it would have been better if her loss were like ours because we knew that Kristin was going to die & we had time to say goodbye. Well I really had to chew on that one. First off, we did not know, second how can anyone measure to what degree circumstantially, a death is better. It’s a club I don’t want to be in because no matter how hard I try to fit in I don’t. So, should I erase and not speak of it? Should I pretend that normal has once again entered my life? I so wish it had. For me every time I hear of another child diagnosed with Leukemia my heart races and a lump gets in my throat. My mind reverts to those first few weeks after we heard the words “Your child has cancer.” How caught off guard we were and ignorant of the things to come. How quickly our family was forever changed. The hardest part of all is conveying this whole picture to others, what it was like to be in the trenches of a war with no name. Not the soldier, but like a journalist who felt every needle and interior emotion of a body not physically yours. The scars are there, just not visible to the naked eye. We all have them if we did our job right. How could you not? This is not the way it is suppose to be, is it? I WANT MY WORLD BACK!

On that note, I have a link to Light the Night Fundraiser page. Please take a second and check out "KRISTIN"S DANCIN DIVAS!!!"

This is a secure way to contribute and it is tax deductible. Even a dollar would help!!! This was important to Kristin as she walked herself for 2 years. The picture of her at the last walk is on the page. It was one month before she relapsed. She looked so healthy, yet even then there was unseen trouble brewing.

Now on the home front… I finally got enough courage to go back cutting hair, thanks to a lot of encouragement from Claire Durrance owner of Strategy Hair & Nails. I went to another salon because I did not want to make any of my clients uncomfortable in making a choice to go back in my chair after my absence nor did I want any of the stylists to be upset if they did choose to. Therefore, it has been a slow climb back in the saddle but I am hanging in. I have a few friends I need to make amends. One whom I especially miss as she always had a neat way of keeping me in check with my inner self and I truly love her still. I just do not know how to fix it. She use to tell me that the sun don’t shine everyday, up the same dog’s ass. She was so right!

Chuck is still waiting on disability. He has paid S.S. tax since the age of 11. (As a kid he was in commercials). He was the branch manager of the Fl Times Union Newpaper and fired because he forgot about a contract. Their reason for termination was their lack of confidence in his ability to run the branch. We found out, later that he has permanent brain damage from the accident he had back in 2001. He was rear ended by a 16 yr old driving a full size truck doing 70 mph. Talking on a cell phone, futching with the radio and late meeting his girlfriend for breakfast was the cause for his lack of focus on the road. For Chuck, the result was the 2 frontal lobes damaged, which causes short term memory loss & mood swings and damage to the ganglia nerve at the base of the neck that causes severve shoulder & back pain prevents employment. Because he went back to work it has caused a delay in the whole process. under the cicumstances at the time he would have crawled if he had to... but buracracy doesn't get it, or maybe they just never had a kid with cancer. Never the less, we are learning to cope with it, but there are days that I wish I were on another planet. He went back after the accident and tried to do his best because he was terrified that if he lost his job he would also lose his insurance, which was the one thing we relied on to save Kristin. Now every bit of security that He had worked for all those years is gone. No insurance, life, health or 401K, leaves you standing on much shaken ground. His mom was put in a nurising home due to alzhiemers as she has quit eating. His dad is a mess and lost without her.

Lauren is in a private school thanks to a Heroes Scholarship and doing much better. She is also in training at Client Logic to be a computer tech. She is 16 now and wants a car so bad. We lost our truck last november and up until this past summer I was without wheels. Chucks dad helped me get a Vibe. I love it, great on gas. Chuck doesn't drive at all as he doesn't trust his reflexes. He makes a great backseat driver though, "NOT". LOL Jason is in Jacksonville and is a DJ. He is single, finally realized mom was right about the AK twit and seems to be on the mend as well. We didn't speak for almost a year which was really tough on me. We have a bond that I thought could never be broke by anyone or anything. Life does go on but not the way you think it should. We each have days where we miss Kristin so much it brings tears. People say it gets easier and time heals all wounds. But hell, how do you heal a gapping hole? Guess I have to keep on writing until I figure it out!

A major thank you, to those of you that have checked in and wrote in the guestbook. Your support has been some of the best medicine and has helped the healing process. It is calming to know that others have not forgotten us, or our daughter.
Blessing to You All,
Love Always,
Laura & Family
P.S Please put in your prayers "Shelby Feagle" and "Eli Stewart". They are both 3 years old and both recently diagnoised with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia in our town!

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