SNOW SNOW SNOW-Is winter almost over?

Why can't Canada be in the deep south where the breeze is warm and fresh, where the sun shines as the waves roll into the shore? *Calgon take me away...* I have had it with winter already and its only just started...can you believe its storming AGAIN!!! We are not used to this much snow in Southwestern Ontario...its blooooooody SNOWY & COLD!!!!!

January 17, 2004 (Dustin's Bone Marrow Transplant Anniversary)

PHOTO HAVE BEEN CHANGED-HAVE A LOOK

I HAVE ADDED SOME IMFORMATIVE LINKS...
PLEASE VISIT THESE SITES

Two years ago today Dustin received his New Bone Marrow, it was an awesome day. A day I will cherish in my heart for the rest of my life.

Tyler has a 12th Birthday coming up on January 26th, with Dustin's to follow on March 2, he would have been 10 yrs old.

Just so you all know there is someone new and wonderful in my life...he makes my heart flutter, he has brought the smile back into my heart that was missing for so long.

Thursday, January 1, 2004 3:38 PM CST

Happy New Year 2004

New Years Eve and day were simply wonderful!!!

Angels Among Us

I was walking home from school on a cold winter day.
Took a shortcut through the woods, and I lost my way.
It was getting late, and I was scared and alone.
But then a kind old man took my hand and led me home.
Mama couldn’t see him, but he was standing there.
And I knew in my heart, he was the answer to my prayers.

Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with a light of love.

When life held troubled times, and had me down on my knees.
There’s always been someone there to come along and comfort me.
A kind word from a stranger, to lend a helping hand.
A phone call from a friend, just to say I understand.
And ain’t it kind of funny that at the dark end of the road.
Someone lights the way with just a single ray of hope.


They wear so many faces, show up in the strangest places.
To grace us with their mercy, in our time of need.

To guide us with a light of love.

Be Safe
With Love
Judy

Saturday, December 27, 2003 7:44 AM EST

A New Year is quickly approaching. I pray it continues to behold beautiful memoies of years past and bright new hopes and dreams for a brilliant healthy-happy tomorrow.

Happy 2004 With Love
Judy

This morning after giving Dustin's page a new fresh look, I got my self all purdied up, took a short drive and donated blood for the very first time. Something I had wanted to do for so long but was unable due to the 24/7 care I dedicated to my son.

I felt so good giving back a piece of me to a cause so desperately needed by so many. My donation today will help up to 4 people. That leaves me with a sence of pride and goodness. Today was my first major step towards new beginnings for 2004.

On a sad note I learned that a very dear friend of mine who I spent many a weekend gravel running with as a teeneger died on December 20th from a heart attack, he was 41. His name was Bubba (Colin Walsh) Life can be so tragic, he was a wonderful friend.

Christmas Eve 2003

Another lonely Christmas Eve...its all too easy to sit and cry for the loss of my heart, of my little one...I don't like being alone...Christmas just isn't the same anymore...its time for new beginnings...no time like now to begin. ~Merry Christmas~

Christmas Wishes are sent to my son- Tyler, my Angel son-Dustin, my parents-Mary & Reg, my brother-Dave, sis-in-law-Rhonda, my nieces Cailynn & Lauryn and to all my friends be far or near.

For the one who has my heart fluttering-thank you, blows kisses your way, feels good to smile inside and out :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Where Are You Christmas

Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too

Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go

Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here in silence
Fills each and every heart with love

Where are you Christmas
Fills your heart with love


Happy Heavenly Christmas Dustin ^i^
~We miss you baby~

Sunday, December 14, 2003 9:19 AM EST

Christmas Time...
Remember Time...

Christmas means memories
in your heart to stay,
And thought about with love
on every Christmas Day.

And as Christmas comes again,
bringing joys, both old and new,
May your memories of your loved one,
bring warmth and a smile to you

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox


^i^ My Little Angel Dustin

For all who have lost a loved one be it young or be it old, my heart is with you this holiday season
-God Bless-

December 14, 2003 7 PM
National Children Memorial Evening
(LIGHT A CANDLE IN MEMORY OF A CHILD)

Dec 14, 2003-Remembering Kristie Bird-One Year An Angel. Kristie touched my heart so deeply, her mom (button Karen)
will always be dear to me
Remembering ^i^ Angel Kristie

The Dance
(This is the song that reminds me of Dustin, when I can add music to this page, this is the song that will play-Dustin and I often danced when he was well, oh to hold him for one more Dance-I love You Dusty xoxox)

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars alone
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything
For a moment, weren't you a King
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have chanced it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance...

Wednesday, December 10, 2003 7:12 PM CST

Tuesday, November 26, 2002 at 11:56 PM (EST)

ALWAYS KNOW YOU WILL BE MY SON


Hear him sing
On Angel’s wing
Of love within the Heavens above
Sweep down adorn me with forever Love

No pitter-patter
Of busy feet
No backpack-toting child sweet
Your bike sits in quiet idle
Yours for only a short while
Your toys sit quietly as you once did play
I sit in your room and envision you there as you say
“Come play with me mom, it’ll be fun
I promise I’ll clean up when we are done”

I miss you son
Like no one before
I long for you
To walk through that door

Your voice sings out like trumpets shout
Your giggles consume me with out a doubt
Your puzzle sits in wait for you
One day will hang in memory true

Just months ago I held you
I gently touched your cheek
My dear sweet child, you are so mild, so meek
Your battle brave
Your courage admired
You will forever be my Heaven’s child

Our first Christmas approaches with lights lit bright
I will sing to you a sweet “Silent Night”
Your birthday nears, yet another year
I will forever hold your memory dear
You’ll remain 8 forever at Heaven’s gate
I will light a candle to celebrate

Onto the summer the sun will shine
Into October autumns light divine
As years do pass your smile will shine
Forever be sweet child of mine

I will be with you always
Day and night I will stay near to you
I will love you my son, forever be it true

What will I do in years to come?
Always know you will be my son.

Written by Judy Drury (Nov 25, 2002)
In Loving Memory of
Dustin Matthew Drury
March 2, 1994-August 9, 2002


Your 2nd Christmas in Heaven...such a beautiful place for such a beautiful little boy.

Merry Christmas Angel Dustin-Love Mommy & Tyler XOXOXOX

Friday, November 28, 2003

Ty is here this weekend as is my brother. So nice to have the company of those I love surronding me.

Christmas 2003 will be another tough holiday to deal with. We will celebrate by lighting a candle in Dustin's memory, as well as placing a new headstone craddle at his grave. So much more I wish I could do...oh to have him with us like yester-year. Ty and I miss Dustin so much, but feel his love and beauty within ourselves every second on every day.


~Merry Christmas Angel Dustin~

Saturday, November 22, 2003 4:42 PM EST

When Dustin died, my world crumbled...I had hope and prayed that in time something good, something wonderful might happen to me to reassure me that there was still reason to carry on. I look every day for a twinkle of light to lead me to some place where I wouldn't feel so alone or so empty. I don't feel any different today than I did almost 16 months ago. I come here to write, its my little pc of the world...writing offers me companionship for only my self. I will never close this page, I will never stop writing.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 5:34 AM EST

This past Sunday Tyler and I decided to go through the heaps of stuffies and toys that Dustin had been given over the past few years. So many stuffies and toys, so little space to keep them all. He and I felt that with Dustin being the kind and generous child he was would want his toys to go to children who otherwise might not have many gifts under the tree this holiday season. We kept only those with sentimental meaning, the remainder will be taken to two organizations for Christmas hampers this years. I feel so good about doing this, it's like Dustin has given both Ty and I a little push to do something positive, something thoughtful, something from the goodness of our hearts on his behalf.

We will be offering these stuffies to the Chatham-Kent Goodfellows and the Chatham Moose Lodge (both organizations help families all year, especially at Christmas). Knowing that his special things will be in the hands of small children with big smiles on Christmas morning warms my heart so deeply.

Slowly I will offer more of his toys to children over the next year. I can't give all his belongings away, as so many are too special to let go of. I know Dustin is happy with our choices, he is always with us, there are good feelings and vibes from being able to "Pay It Forward".

So much was done for us compliments of the community, its time to pay it forward, even if in just a small way.

Have you all written your letter to Santa yet? I know what I want this Christmas...time with my son, family and those who are in my life, present and past.

Pssstt Santa...my arms are still empty, can you bring someone just for me this year and for always? *giggling*

Take Care
Always & Forever
Judy

Saturday, November 15, 2003 6:15 AM EST

Tyler came over last night, he arrived with McDonald's, a nice suprise. Thank you Tyler.

He is feeling good, his sore throat has eased, its as if like wasn't sick at all this week, how strange it is to be so icky for a few days to spring back to feeling on top of the world so quickly. His immune system must have kicked into high gear, something I am not used to seeing after all Dustin went through being immunosuppressed off and on for 5 years. Gives me some sence of security knowing Ty is doing so well, growing and developing without any ill effects of his own illness back in 1995.

He and I are off to Dresden this morning for his teams first hockey tournament of this season. They play at 10, we have to be there for 9. Play hard, play fair, have fun kids!!

There isn't really too much to report, nothing new, nothing old, same day dif *** you know that saying.

Hold your kids close, your friends dear and your heart open.

Wednesday, November 12, 2003 5:03 AM (EST) Canada Time

I am settled into my new home. It's a cute place, it cozy and secure feeling, I really like it. Tyler has his own room which we have yet to decorate. It'll be home hopefully for a long while.

Ty is sick this week with a sore throat and snuffy nose. He missed school Monday and Tuesday. We want him feeling better for his first Hockey Tournament this weekend in Dresden.

I have been thinking of Christmas. I haven't even begun to purchase gifts, I guess I should get motivated soon.
I will be spending Christmas Day with Tyler, he and I will open gifts and enjoy a nice traditional dinner. Then he will go back to his dad's in the evening to prepare for his trip to Miami on Boxing Day. He is so excited. I will miss him very much. The holiday's could prove to be very lonely, I will make the best of it, I will work as much as I can.

I pray that this being our second Christmas without Dustin that it will go well. We will light a Candle in his memory and visit his burial site to lay flowers. It's difficult knowing that all we can do again this year is place flowers, when we should be giving new toys, eating lots of good food and spending the holidays with giggles and happiness.

God Bless Our Child Angels...Forever In Our Hearts.

Sunday November 2, 2003 10:19 PM Canada Time

Sweet sweet Brennan...I am praying for you for peace from your struggles...God Bless You.
Brennan earned her Angel Wings on Saturday November 1, 2003.
Brennan was just 7 yrs old.
She was home with her family.

My Update:
I saw my surgeon on Tuesday. He removed the pressure bandages, the drain tube and the stitches. The site looked good. I have to see him again on Nov 13, 2003. I finished my medication Saturday (let's hope this cyst is gone and stays gone)
I can finally have showers again...I love bathe's but showers are so much quciker. I returned to work Thursday. I had a heap of paperwork waiting for me, but managed to muttle through it in 4 hours.

Tyler was with me this weekend, he had a fun time, he played pool onine with Shawn, helped me take all the boxes to the garbage, went to Walmart with me, he got a bunch of new finger boards, we went to hockey Sat morning and practice sun night.


Special prayers for Shawn who is the light of my life. He has been sick the past while.
Baby if you read this, feel better-I Love You. Wishing that if there was even just one thing I could do to help you along I would, know that I am here for you 24/7. My heart and home is open and waiting for you.

There are 3 guys that I love with all my heart and soul-Dustin-Tyler and Shawn- xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Ty is excited, he will be travelling with his dad and his dad's buddy to Miami for Christmas...he will have a wonderful time while the rest of us take in the cold and snow.

Thats all for now
Judy

Monday, October 27, 2003 9:08 PM EST

There are somedays when I know that Dustin is right upon me. Today was once such day. Off and on through out the day a tear would well and fall down my cheek, my heart strings would tug and memories flooded in almost drowning me. I went through his clothes which have sat untouched since his last days at home. I took out each item and neatly folded them placing them in the two lower drawers of his dresser which will now hold Tyler's clothes in the upper two. I then went through his toys, his books, puzzles and colouring books. It was so wonderful to see his printing and colouring on the pages, but that only made my tears come harder as I longed for him to come home. I then came across something so special that he created with Melissa in Child Life only a couple weeks before he went critical. It was his love potion that he made for me so that it would bring me companionship and love, so that mommy wouldn't spend her life alone. It contains a sharks took, unicorn hair and two serpants. They are placed in a plastic bag and tied closed. To this day I have never opened that potion, and I never will. Finding it brought a wave of delight for me, because I knew he was with me and wanting mommy to find happiness. Dustin always knows when mommy needs him and today he showed me that he is always with me, somedays so close, other days at a distance, but he is here helping me along the way. I miss everything about him, I wish him back over and over, knowing that it can't be.

Tyler called me in tears, hardly able to speak, he eventually told me that he is really missing Dustin today. I told him I had the same kind of day and reassured him that we were both struggling because Dustin was/is with us. Its when he is the closest that we feel him, and when we do feel him, its the tears that let us know how much he loves us and misses us. I hope these feelings for Dustin will someday turn from tears to happiness when he comes to us, but then again, the tears are Dustins was of letting us know he is near. I know he is in Gods hands and is pure and whole, I just don't understand why he had to go just when I needed him the most. I miss you baby, I love you.

I go to see my surgeon tomorrow. The bandages will be coming off, not sure of the drain being removed, we'll have to wait and see. I know I will have to start cleaning and applying fresh preps daily, its part of the care it will need to fully heal. I can't wait to remove the bandages, I am so itchy underneath!!

I am starting to become teary again so I am going to go now. I love my new apt...its nice, but missing two wonderful children to fill its spaces.

Loving my boys always & forever
Mommy (Judy)

Saturday, October 25, 2003 4:09 AM EST

It's Moving Day!!

I am feeling better, still a little tender, but not in pain. I will update once I have settled in and have seen my surgeon.

Thank you for the continued love and support.
Love
Judy

Wednesday, October 22, 2003 11:03 PM CDT

This past Friday while at work I began to feel some tenderness in my right breast. A tenderness I had come to feel twice before. As the night went on into Saturday morning I knew exactly what was happening to me once again. On Sunday at 5 am, not able to torerate the pain and discomfort any longer I found my self in the Emergency Department here in Chatham. Just as I thought, a cyst in my breast had flared up. The Doctor perscribed antibiotics as well he ordered an Ultra Sound for a day or two later. By the time I went for the Ultra Sound yesterday (Tuesday) I was in such unbearable pain that I just wanted to cut it off, pain pills weren't helping a bit. The Ultra Sound showed that the cyst had absessed. Today I met a surgeon and immediately he insisted it needed to be drained. Well oh my God it was horrible. I received four large freezing doses that didn't take effect until after the proceedure. My breast is now pressure bandaged to my chest to help with pain. I had to have it cut open with a scalpule, have a drain tube inserted and have stictches to keep it secure. Never knew as much pain as I experienced today. I have been told "No Work" for a minimum of 2 weeks. I have no medical benefits and no other source of income. Not sure how I will manage with out a paycheque for two weeks especially since I live pay cheque to pay cheque and now have rent to pay. (Movers come Saturday). Needless to say I am sore, heavily medicated and worried sick about Christmas, not sure I will be able to offer my son Tyler a gift this year. I am sure some how some way something good will come from this whole incident.

I am ready to head to bed with my frozen bag of vegetables and a good dose of Advil. I haven't slept much in 5 days so I look forward to even 3 hours of solid sleep.

Today as I was in day surgery my mind went back to all the proceedures Dustin endured while on treatment as well as Tyler dealing with his emergency appendectomy only 10 days after Dustin's funeral. Today I felt the fear and pain that Dustin faced daily. I now understand his fears and wonder how he ever lasted as long as he did with the stresses of being poked and having pain as well as things done to him almost daily. My heart breaks for what he went through, it breaks for Tyler too. I guess until you are faced with having it done to you, it can't fully be understood. I never imagined how much Dustin and Tyler hurt until today when I was no longer in control of what was happening to me. I wish I could have taken their pain when it was happening to them. My sons were/are so brave!! God Bless you both, I Love You Dustin, I Love You Tyler.

Loving you
Mommy

The following lyrics belong to a song that Dustin liked, and to this day when I hear it, it reminds me of him...maybe he liked it because he felt like Superman or maybe because he felt the lyrics said what he felt "It's Not Easy To Be Me".

Superman (It's Not Easy)
I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me

I'm more than a bird:I'm more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train and
It's not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see

It may sound absurd:but don't be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed:but won't you conceed
Even Heroes have the right to dream but
It's not easy to be me

Up, up and away:away from me
It's all right:You can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy:or anything:

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me

It's not easy to be me.

Friday, October 17, 2003

Yesterday Heaven gained another Angel. An adult Angel (Elaine).
My sincere sympathies go out to Anne and her family...hold her memory near and dear to your hearts. She is forever free!!

God Bless
Love
Judy

Sunday, October 12, 2003 4:05 PM CDT

My brother had been holding on to the last photograph ever taken of Dustin. I added it to his photo album. It's quite graphic, but it is a reality. It brings back swells of memories for me. When I look at his wee mouth, I see a little smile, he doesn't look sad.

It's too hard to just remember all the wonderful day's knowing the struggles he endured from his initial diagnosis in April 1997 until his passing in August of 2002.

I uploaded this photo because I felt it was important to share his last days. Regardless of how horrible a time he had, that picture to me is beautiful and priceless, to always be cherished. It's the last visual piece of him that I have to carry on in my memory.

It shows the effects that Leukemia can have on a small child. Unless someone has experienced this, how could they ever really grasp the full effects of what I feel is the most cruel diease ever known to man. I am proud of that little boy, he fought so long and so hard, he never gave up...he will forever be My Warrior and My Special Angel. My Blessing From Heaven. I Love You Dustin.

Loving You Always & Forever
Mommy

Thank you David *hugs*

Saturday October 4, 2003 2003 6:04 am

(Friday night)
Three adults, 7 kids and 3 dogs, a sore throat, tenderness in my left ear...lack of sleep(I was still awake @1:00 am trying to get the older kids here to go to bed)...up for hockey on a Satruday morning (way too early) when I should be sleeping in..Good Gawd...I am burnt out!!!

Good news...I have found a new home. A cute 2 bd rm that I move into November 1, 2003. I am anxious, money will be tight but one way or another I will make it...

We will try as we might to get some sleep when Tyler and I return from Hockey. Wish us luck (we slept like rocks for over 2 hours).

Tyler and his team won their first game of the season 4-2.

Way to go Zellers-White Pee Wee's!!!

Tyler and I will be driving up to Port Elgin after next Saturday's hockey game to spend Thanksgiving with my parents. We will be back Sunday afternoon. Happy Thanksgiving to our Canadian Family & Friends.

Shawn...feel better soon...miss you like crazy & I love you with all my heart.

Trace & George...hope you enjoyed your three days away.


Love Judy

Sunday, September 21, 2003 7:27 P.M. EST

There really isn't much for me to update on today. Life remains pretty much the same today as it did yesterday, with hopes for a better tomorrow. Tyler is here with me this weekend. He and I saw Dickie Roberts at the local mvie theatre last night. That moive offered many laughs and a good time. We will be hanging out today with no special plans, be a good day to stay in bed watching video's, sippin' pepsi and eating chips.

I am still staying with friends. It's been a month now. I hope within the next couple and I stress "couple" of weeks a new home may be found. If it takes longer, well then it does. I miss my belongings, my photo's of my boys, basically I miss having my own life...I do appreciate the welcoming into another home, but it's not my home. I long for a sence of belonging.

Since Dustin relapsed in June 2001, he and I had-had very little home life. He and I spent 13 months in hospital and ended up losing all sence of what its like to feel secure and contented as well as to know what home really was. I am still at that crossroad. Dustin has since gone onto Heaven and here left behind I find myself searching for a little stability in a world where I still am unable to find my place in it. Someday I know I will feel better, but today, I still feel lost.

For Shawn: I am sending loving warm hugs to you today, you are so special to me...Thank you Shawn. I Love You!!!
You have been a beacon in my life for the past four years...my best friend and my soul mate. Like everything, time will lead us to where we are meant to be. You were worth the wait to me...we had to go places, experience and accomplish many things to be where we are now...everything happens for a reason...I now know the reason.
I Love You Shawn!! XOXO

Tyler, I watch you and see so much of me in you. I listen to you and hear just how wonderful a young man you are becomming. I am so proud of you. I love your hugs and giggles so much.
I Love You Tyler!! xoxo

Trace & George..Thank you for opening your home to me at a difficult time in my life. (Things are better now than ever before). I truly appreciate your kindness and friendship.
Love you guys!!

Mom & Dad..always there to bail me outa a bad situation...thank you, some how someway I will return the favor. I don't say it enough...I Love you Mom & Dad!!! (My life is going in the right direction now...all good, positivity, happiness, contentment...soon I will fill you in on why).
Love you always!!

Dustin...every second of minute I remember you...I miss you baby...save me a place in Heaven.
Always & Forever Loving You!! xoxox

Friday, August 29, 2003 5:30 AM EST

Saturday August 9, 2003 marked the One Year Angel Anniversary for Dustin in Heaven. It was a day I was not looking forward too. In days leading up to this date I fretted, I cried, I became bitter and angry but most of all I stared fear directly in the eyes. So many memories overflowed my soul, mostly good memories, but the odd sad or painful one crept in which made me a hard person to live with let alone talk too.

But then I stopped and took a big breath, I was feeling sad for me. How could I be feeling so selfish knowing that Dustin was so complete now? How could I cry for a soul set free, free of pain, free of frustration, free of medicines, chemo, and radiation? That is when I released all my self pity and smiled and said a huge "thank you" to Dustin. I received the ultimate gift in life, a child, my child!!! I was chosen to care for and love him, he was chosen to love me, to teach me and to be a part of me. I know now that his being here had meaning, he did exactly what he was to do, that was to touch the lives of his family, friends and anyone who ever came to know him. He was and will always be a blessing, the ultimate gift in life!!!

I want to thank God for giving me the opportunity to have both Tyler and Dustin in my life, to watch them grow, to hear their voices, to feel feel their touch to know their love. I am what I am today, because of my children. I will love them in this life and in the afterlife for eternity.

I know I have the rest of my life ahead of me now, minus one little boy who's memory will live in my heart, my thoughts, my words and my eyes.

My son Tyler makes me feel so proud. The way he has been able to pick up the pieces of his life and move forward. He smiles, he laughs and he loves. When I look at him, I see Dustin, a reminder that even though Dustin is gone in body a part of him lives in his brother...so in reality, I do have both my children with me all the time...Thank you Tyler for being with mommy this past weekend...we did it baby, you and me...we made it this far, and will make it the rest of the way and we will be ok.

Sept 6, 2003

Sending loving warm hugs to someone special today...Thank you Shawn.
I love you!! You have been a beacon in my life for the past four years...my best friend and my soul mate. Like everything, time will lead us to where we are meant to be. You were worth the wait to me...we had to go places, experience and accomplish many things to be where we are now...everything happens for a reason...I now know the reason. XOXO

Tyler, I watch you and see so much of me in you. I listen to you and hear just how wonderful a young man you are becomming. I am so proud of you. I Love You Tyler!! xoxo

Trace & George..Thank you for opening your home to me at a difficult time in my life. (Things are better now than ever before). I truly appreciate your kindness and friendship. *HUGS*

Mom & Dad..always there to bail me outa a bad situation...thank you, some how someway I will return the favor. I don't say it enough...I Love you Mom & Dad!!! (My life is going in the right direction now...all good, positivity, happiness, contentment...soon I will fill you in on why).

Sunday, August 3, 2003 6:40 AM CDT

Yesterday after reading the HeavenlyLights news letter for which I am a member I found a wonderful group of moms who are living life without their children. This site grabbed me in almost immediately, so I asked to join. Its called AngelMoms. I wish I had found them earlier in the year but feel blessed that I happened across them now being August 9 is now just 6 days away. I know from this group of extraordinary women I will find many new friends, and an enormous amount of support, support only another mom of a deceased child can share as well as many smiles. Thank you AngelMoms for welcoming me into your circle of love.

Love
Judy

I will be picking Tyler up from his dads this Friday. I booked the day off from work as I know this week will be a difficult one for me to face. He and I will be making a visit to Dustin's Heavenly Garden where we will place flowers and balloons. I wish there was more I could do for Dustin as well as Tyler, but know that all I can really do is to have them both know how much they illuminated my life with theirs. I wouldn't trade one second of life for anything less then knowing I was given two absolutly beautiful children to care for and to love in good times and times of sorrow. I will always have two little boys, two boys I will be proud of ~Always & Forever~

Ingrid, my dear sweet friend...I Love You...thank you, you have touched me like no other. ~God Bless You~

Thursday, July 31, 2003 8:06 PM CDT

August 9, 2003 I will sit and reflect on the life of a boy, his name was Dustin, he was my youngest child.

Remember him on his 1st Angel Anniversary.

I don't think anyone comes here anymore, but for his sake and memory I will continue to come, this is all I have left of him.

Time is painful, spending that time alone is complete heartache.

Friday, July 25, 2003 8:31PM EST

SPECIAL PRAYERS are needed for 2 year old Hannah who just this week was found to have relapsed with AML. ~~GOD BLESS YOU HANNAH~~


WHO HE WAS TO ME

When Dustin was born I looked into his eyes, smiled and said "hello my little Angel from Heaven" (little did I know how true those words would be).

He was a very happy-go-lucky little todler...always there to offer hugs and kisses and cute little smiles. He was mommy's little helper, he learned lots from his brother Tyler, like how to run the vaccum. He never ever fretted about bed time, only ever wanted a story read to him and a lullabye sang softly until he fell asleep.

He was an amazing 3 year old. Having just turned 3, diagnosed with Luekemia. He didn't like having to stay inside, but he did, he didn't let the walls around him close in and make him sad. He played pranks on any unsuspecting nurse, doctor or visitor.

He was so giving of himself. When I was down, he would reach over, hug me and make sure his momma knew how loved she was. He often said that he wished he wasn't sick so mommy wouldn't be so sad.

He loved Captain Crunch cereal, corn on the cob, iced tea, sour candies that would make your eyes water. He liked to sing, watch cartoon, make crafts that he gave to those he loved. Never a selfish moment in his life, always giving. Even when he was really sick, he put others before himself, he insisted everyone find reason to smile and to laugh.

He learned to ride a two-wheeler, he went to school, rode the bus, went up the CN Tower, took in a Blue Jay's Game in Toronto, camped for a week, went to Canada's Wonderland, Disney World, The Toronto Zoo, made many friends and loved everyone.

This week marks the last week where I can say I had him with me last year. He accomplished so much this time last year. He worried he'd never ever taste McDonalds's again, I assured him he would, and he did!! He even had his hair dyed gold as he lay in his hospital bed because he wanted to be like the normal kids as he would often say.

He and I painted stain glass cut outs, hung them over his bed, he drew pictures, poured soap and gave most of these treasure away to the kids on the Oncology floor.

He was so much more than I could ever write, I could write about him until the end of time...and maybe one day I will.

I am missing him so much. I find coming here the only place where can pour out my heart and find some peace. I know he is with me all the time, I feel him, I just wish to God that I could hold him again.

Love You Always and Forever
Mommy

Friday, July 4, 2003 9:00 PM EST

Childhood Cancer Facts (PLEASE READ...OUR CHILDREN DEPEND ON US)


*Cancer is the leading killer of children under 14 (other than accidents).

*Cancer kills more children annually than asthma, diabetes, cystic fibrosis, congenital anomalies and AIDS combined.

*One in 320 children will get cancer before the age of 20.

*Childhood cancer is rising by one percent per year.

*Approximately 15,000 children are currently living with cancer in Canada.

*Each year, 1,500 more children are diagnosed with cancer in Canada.

*Two-thirds of these children will live 10 years.

*The overall survival rate for childhood cancers is 50 percent.

*Canada has a higher incidence of childhood cancer than any other developed country.

*15 times more children have cancer than AIDS.

*Of children diagnosed with cancer, 80 percent already have advanced stage cancer that has spread to other parts of the body.

*The causes of childhood cancer are unknown.

*Some childhood cancers are drug resistant, and therefore very difficult to treat.

*Cancer is 20 percent higher in boys than in girls.

*The overall "cure" rate (meaning the child has survived five years after diagnosis) is 70 percent.

*Leukemia and brain cancer account for 57 percent of childhood cancer deaths.

Possible Symptoms

unusual mass or swelling
paleness (anemia) and weight loss
loss of energy
loss of appetite
bruises easily
unexplained fever or illness
frequent colds and viruses
infections that last unusually long
frequent headaches often associated with vomiting
frequent nausea, vomiting and diarrhea
sudden vision changes
difficulty walking
complaints of pain
prolonged swollen glands

When Dustin was just three years old, he showed almost all of the above symptoms with in a very short period of time. It took three weeks to convince the local Doctors that he was a very sick little boy. Be persistant, parents know their children better than anyone.

Childhood Cancer awareness is critical.

Sunday, June 29, 2003 4:35 p.m. EST

My Brother Dustin-Love Tyler


I wish my brother hadn't died. I wish I had him back, I miss him so much.

I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak of my brother. My brother lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you too.

If I cry or become anxious or agitated when I hear his name, its his death that has caused me to feel this way. If you talk about him, you allow me to share my grief, for that I thank you.

Please don't remove his pictures, his toys, his artwork, his memories, they are all I have to keep him alive in my heart and mind.

Being a Bereaved sibling is not contagious, so I wish you would not shy away from me, I need you more now than ever.

I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you. I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my brother, respect my wishes for his things, and know he is and will always be my brother.

I know my brothers death pains you, please know its ok to feel, its ok to cry its ok to remember.

I wish you wouldn't expect me to "not think about him", or "to be happy". Neither will happen for a long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

My life shattered when my brother died. I know it is miserable to be around me when I am miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent as I am just a kid and I hurt and struggle daily with the changes placed on life. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to be alone.

When my brother died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my brother died, and I will never be that person again.

But know that I will be the best I can be, because I had and will always have a little brother. His name was Dustin.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Sunday, June 8, 2003 7:11 PM CDT

Yesterday Henry and I travelled to Windsor to see friends and to attend a Baptismal today of three very special people in our lives. It was nice getting away even for just one night. We spent today with friends, talked laughed, overall having a nice Sunday.

Henry and I talked all the way home about my children. It was something that I so enjoyed. Came close many times to tears as the memories came alive and felt so good. Henry is the man in my life who I love very much. He doesn't know it but talking as he and I did today gave me a new outlook on the life we are building together. Tyler is a huge part of the life we are building. That little boy is so loved, more than he will ever know. It was memories of him and Dustin that I shared with Henry as Henry never got to know Dustin, but has been getting to know Tyler. Thank you Henry for a wonderful day!!

Friday, June 6, 2003 7:12 PM CDT

I have decided to do this memory tree by my self, offering me a chance to be one with my child. I don't have family close by that could attend. I wish I had friends and family close, but I don't. I pretty much face his death daily on my own and with those who come and leave messages. My heart is so distraught today, its been a rough day, wish the pain would ease.

Friday, June 6, 2003 7:12 PM CDT

I have decided to do this memory tree by my self, offering me a chance to be one with my child. I don't have family close by that could attend. I wish I had friends and family close, but I don't. I pretty much face his death daily on my own and with those who come and leave messages. My heart is so distraught today, its been a rough day, wish the pain would ease.

Monday, June 2, 2003 10:15 p.m. EST

I made a phone call today to a funeral home to seek information regarding the planting of a tree in memory of Dustin. I will be visiting the people at the funeral home next week to make the arrangements. I will receive a plaque in memory of Dustin as well as a plaque to place on his tree. I am anxious to see Dustin's tree grow and bloom over the years until its branches reach the Heavens. I am going to have a blessing of his tree, I think its the least I could do for my son. Its another memory being created. Its my way to make sure his life is remembered...although it was a short life...he lived it to the fullest, the best he could...his tree will ensure his memory lives on for many many more years than he was given...I Love and Miss him more than anyone could ever imagine. My heart is forever broken.

God Bless our Children...hold them dear, we never know when they will be taken to Heaven.

Thursday May 29, 2003

My heart tugs when I read the Caringbridge pages set up by other families...why do our children get Cancer, and why do they die?

I shed tears at every thought of Dustin..the waves seem to mount more often...missing him more each day!!

Friday, April 11, 2003 7:00 a.m.

My most vivid and happiest of memories of Dustin reflects back to the last week he was up on 7West in London. He had just returned from having a pulminary effusion drained in Toronto. He was fed up and frustrated from the tubes hanging from his chest. Once they were removed, he was back to his regular happy-go-lucky self. He was nearing the 6 months post BMT and eagarly anticipated finally getting to eat "McDonalds". Dr. C told him if his neuts hit 1.5 then he could eat a happy meal. Well on July 24, 2002 he hit the magic number. That boy was the happiest I had ever seen him. He had not only McDonalds but KFC as well. He even bought a meal for a student nurse who took a shinning to him. I have a picture of Dustin sitting in his bed with his table literally covered with take out food.

Jennifer dyed his hair that day as well, he so wanted to have flashy hair like his brother. So she went ahead with permission and gave him a yellow dye job, all spiked up like a punker, he looked adorable.

That final week he was awake he did so many wonderful things for so many. He and I spent time making crafts for which he gave to nurses and child patients. He was always so giving. He and Nurse Karen sat one day and talked about chocolate bars and next thing you know mom is off on a search for a Mr. Big. He drew a picture and signed it for Bryan, he made soap with Child-Life, he played a scavenger hunt game and won it. He took pictures of some of the 7West staff, he watched movies, played games, painted with mom, talked on the phone. His energy was outstanding. Something inside me tells me he knew what was ahead of him, he had things to accomplish and finalize. He did just that, his last few days awake he left his mark of the world and impressions on those all around him. I will always remember his sweet voice saying to me for the last time on the morning of July 27, 2002, "I Love you Mommy". He died with out pain nor struggle on August 9, 2002. God Bless you Dustin. XOXO

He comes to me still, not as often as he did. He knows mom and Ty are going to be ok. It's a special feeling having a Guardian Angel to watch over you. I am blessed to have had Dustin for 8 years. I miss him so much.

Memories are all we have now and I want to thank those who have shared them with me and those who come here to read about my little boy. Keep the memories coming, keep them alive.

Love Judy

Thursday, April 3, 2003 7:32 PM CST

Dustin has been near to me the past couple of days and I mean very close. I find that glancing at his photo on my desk at work sparks an ache in my heart, tears in my eyes with a hopeless longing for him to lay cuddled in my arms like he did so often the last year of his life. I never realized how a heart can hurt so much.

April 7 will be Grandma's 70th birthday, and April 9, will be Uncle David's 40th Birthday. April 9 will also be Dustin's 8 month Angel Anniversay in Heaven. 8 Months, how can it be that long already?

Thank you Kaleigh for the sweet memory you left in the guest book. Its such memories that can bring a smile to my face, I too remember that day. Its times like that, that I sometimes need reminding of...he loved his puzzles as much as he loved his friends.

For anyone who visits Dustin's page over the next while, please leave a memory you shared with him at any point in his 8 short but fulfilled years. He was not only a part of my life, but was and will aways be a huge part of so many people lives. Memories are all we have, please take the time to share a memory with all who come here.

Thank You Cathy, yes I remember. It was like a blizzard of laughter...that was a fun day. Living in the Hospital was indeed fun, no matter what, you and all the nurses made it like home.

God Bless you all for the support, prayers and beautiful words shared here....this journal will one day very soon, be printed off and made into a memory book in honour of a remarkable, beautiful little boy who touched the lives of all he encountered.

~Forever Loved, Forever Missed~

Monday, March 17, 2003 3:39 PM CST

The sun shines, the air breaths warm upon my cheek, the birds sing, the moon gazes as we sleep, the children play....the days go on....I miss him so much.

Sunday, March 2, 2003 9:47M EST

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY" DUSTIN-Your 1st Angel Birthday in Heaven. You would have been 9 today, but will forever remain 8. You are missed more with each day that passes. You will always be my blessing, my gift from Heaven..."Thank you for the years you gave me".

~Love You Always & Forever~ Mommy


Today is your birthday
without candles and cake.
And since you are not with us,
we will not celebrate.
We cannot send you a birthday card,
your hands we cannot touch.
So we ask God to give a message
to the one we love so much.
And grant us one wish
and make it come true.
To have His choir of Angels sing
Happy Birthday to you.


We do not need a special day to bring
you to our minds.
The days we do not think of you
are very hard to find.
Each morning when we awake we
know that you are gone.
And no one knows the heartache
as we try to carry on.
Our hearts still ache with sadness
and secret tears still flow.
What it meant to lose you
no one will ever know.
Our thoughts are always with you,
your place no one can fill.
In life we loved you dearly;
in death we love you still.

Happy Heavenly Birthday-I LOVE YOU

Saturday, February 22, 2003 6:20 AM EST

Today I will be picking up Tyler at his dad's house for a fun packed afternoon at the movies, then Taco making for dinner and finally off to a 7 p.m. Hockey game for which Tyler is the Goalie. It'll be nice to spend some quality time with Ty.

I woke with a headache as I do so many mornings, just took a couple advil, then will begin to bake peanut butter cookies. Its not often that I bake anymore, but when I know Ty will be over I try to have something warm and homemade waiting for him to enjoy. Its a huge adjustment going from cooking and baking daily/weekly for two children to occassionally for one.

Tomorrow Sunday, I will be driving into London to attend a special event sponcered by Child-Can (Childhood Cancer Support Team), we will be creating memory pictoral scrapbooks. I am anxious to see some of the other families that unfortunetly have also lost a child to Cancer or complications from treatment or from transplant complications such as Dustin's. What a horrible way to get to know people, but so thankful that we all have each other, that we don't have to travel this road alone.

One week tomorrow will be Dustin's Birthday. I have something special planned to do for him at his grave site. This day will prove to be a difficult one, somehow, someway It will be the best it can be as a new yearly tradition will be carried on for the years ahead as this will be the only way celebrate such a special child.

I will end off now, go sip on my first coffee of the day. May peace enter into the hearts of everone everywhere now and always.

Blessings
Judy

Thursday, February 13, 2003 7:21 PM CST

"Dustin's First Valentines In Heaven" (February 14, 2003)

Valentines to Heaven...
Sent on the wings of love...
To my precious child...
In Heaven above.

I LOVE YOU
Eight letters
Three Words
One meaning...

One tear drop trickles down my cheek for the son I love and miss and one day again will meet. Tyler's heart aches for you, he lost his best friend when he lost you Dustin. Mommy and Tyler miss everything about you in every little way. You are a beautiful Angel...Happy Valentines Day in Heaven Sweet Peanut.

~ALWAYS & FOREVER~
Mommy & Tyler XOXO

Monday, February 3, 2003 5:17 PM CST

The days keep passing oh so quickly. Not a day goes by that I don't come here. I find so much comfort in visiting Dustin's page. I feel he is here, this is one of the two places I feel close to him. Here and at his beautiful place under the trees, in the peace and tranquility of the cemetary where he will be for all times.

I am seeing a Bearevement Co-ordinator now. It has taken me a long time to have the shock wear off and the reality of life kick in. Thing is, it kicked me so hard I just about went off the deep-end. But with the support of so many near and dear to me I have managed to get a grip on reality. I am now letting in reality, and facing it head on. It's the most difficult thing I have ever had to face, and I know it may take me the rest of my life to do so. That is ok, I am allowed and I will allow myself to grieve for my little boy, because I love him and he deserved more from life that what he got. I am so proud of who he was and of what he gave to me as his mommy and friend.

February 9, 2003 will be 6 months since Dustin let go of life. I can't fathom the time how fast it has passed, what we have missed, what we could have had. Memories are all we have now. I am blessed for that. If not for memories I don't know what I would do.

I Love You
Three Words
Eight Leters
One Meaning

~Always & Forever~

Friday, January 17, 2003 at 04:38 AM (CST)

Today marks the one year anniversary of Dustin's Unrelated Bone Marrow Transplant. Another first, one of many to come. Today I am going to his special place in the cemetary to place 8 heart picks into his flower bouquet that sits ontop of his head stone.

I will tell him of the kindness that has been shown by so many wonderful people since he earned his Angel Wings. Thank you to everyone who has signed the guestbook, it means so much to know that you have been here and that you care.

Much Love
Judy (Angel Dustin's Mom)
XOXOXO

Sunday January 26, 2003

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY" Tyler-11 Years Old

Love you Sweety Pie
Mommy XOXOXOX

Monday, January 13, 2003 at 07:34 PM (est)

oh how I miss my baby, he rests in my thoughs constantly. On my way to work this morning a song that was played at his funeral was on the radio. Yup, I had tears, memories of his celebration of life flooded my mind as it has many a time. It's amazing how so many other songs triggler tears of a child I loved so much, one I will love forever. Some days I smile at his sparkling memory, but most days I cry for his loss, for who he was. I often reflect back to the one year he was off treatment, he was so healthy, so beautiful, so alive. In the blink of an eye the cancer returned. Such a horrible monster who had no right to ever be in the body of such a pure wholesome, beautiful little boy. DAMN cancer!!! This is when the anger appears...it will never leave.

5 months ago on the 9th of August 2002, I leaned over his wee body as he lay in the PCCU in London, told him it was ok, told him how much I loved him. He was laying there, helpless but alive, his heart beating, his mind vibrant, but his organs weak and tired. It was then that I climbed into his bed, craddled his body in my arms sang his favourite lullabye and helped him let go of life. I sit in awe that I was able to turn that ventalator off. I did so because I loved him so much, so much as help him to release his body of the missery of struggle.

I know that when I hold him again in Heaven, that he will look at me hug me tight and say "Thank you mommy". He and I shared a bond so strong that he'd have done the same for me.

Tyler struggles often with his brother gone. They were so close, so much into each other. Tyler watched over his little brother, protecting him in any way he saw fit. Ty still finds it hard to play with his brothers toys, but wears his t-shirts with pride. Ty said to me not long ago as he wiped a tear from his eye, "I didn't want to be an only child". That broke my heart, I told him he will always be a big brother, never one, always two. I hope someday Ty will be able to smile again like he used too. Its so difficult trying to make life happy for a sibling left behind. These boys of mine are the greatest gift even given to me. I am blessed that they were given to me.

Thursday, January 02, 2003 at 09:22 PM (EST)

"Happy New Year"...how does one manage to say that and have it hold meaning to any parent, sibling, grandparent and friend when there is so much grief? How can we possibly find happiness in a New Year when what we really want is to have the happiness that has passed away. How do we move forward when we so desire to go back to hold onto the last year, the year that we last held our children? No one can ever answer the endless questions, they seem to build like mountains in our minds, answers we will only learn about when we too are granted Angel wings to join those we so miss and love.

I am struggling with the reality that 2002 is gone forever as is Dustin. It scares me that I am no longer in the time that he was last in. I want to go back to 2002, so desperatly wanting to find a way to change it. I know I can't, but the idea of changing fate elates my heart like nothing ever has. Do I want to have him experience the disease, the treatments, the tears again? No, never, I only want to spend one more moment in 2002 with him.

I may sound like I an losing it, I am not. I am sitting alone in the quiet missing him. The tears I cry are for the loss of the son I lived for. I miss his soft touch, his angelic sweet little voice, his adorable little nose, his beautiful button lips, his sparkling blue-grey eyes. I miss his generous kind heart, his creativity, his determination to be all he could be. I do smile knowing he is happy now, that he runs and he plays and sings and he does all the things that he deserved to do that were taken from him here on earth. I find anger in disease!! I loath disease and how it robs the innocence of life.

One thing I can do to curve the pain is to know that Dustin was a gift from the Heavens lent to me. Knowing that makes me feel so proud so thrilled that I was chosen to be his mommy.

Will 2003 be a good year? One way or another it will be everything it is meant to be. One way or another all of us parents that miss our children will make life the best we can and some how find meaning in the words "Happy New Year".

Monday, December 23, 2002 at 09:58 AM (CST)

Christmas Lullaby
FOR DUSTIN and ALL our Little Angels in Heaven

Are you far away from home
This dark and lonely night
Tell me what best would help
To ease your mind
Someone to give
Direction for this unfamiliar road
Or one who says, "Follow me and I
will lead you home."

How beautiful
How precious
The Savior of all
To love so
Completely
The loneliest soul
how gently
how tenderly
He says to one and all,
"Child you can follow Me an
I will lead you home."
Trust Me and follow Me
And I will lead you home.

Be near me, Lord Jesus
I ask Thee to stay
Close by me forever
And love me I pray
Bless all the dear children
In Thy tender care
And take us to Heaven
To live with Thee there
Take us to Heaven
To live with Thee there

~ALAWAYS & FOREVER~

Saturday, December 21, 2002 at 12:29 PM (CST)

BLUE CHRISTMAS
Lovingly Dedicated in Memory of my precious Dustin and all of our sweet Angels in Heaven-2002

I'll have a blue Christmas without you;
I'll be so blue thinking about you.
Decorations of red
on a green Christmas tree
Just won't mean a thing if
you're not here with me

And when those blue heartaches start hurting,
I'll have some blue memories for certain;
You'll be doing all right
with your Christmas of white,
But I'll have a blue, blue Christmas.

I LOVE YOU DUSTIN ~ALWAYS & FOREVER~

Wednesday, December 18, 2002 at 01:43 PM (CST)

There Is A Special Angel

There is a special Angel in Heaven
that is a part of me.
It is not where I wanted him
but where God wanted him to be.
He was here but just a moment
like a night time shooting star.
And though he is in Heaven
he isn't very far.
He touched the heart of many
like only an Angel can do.
I would've held him every minute
if the end I only knew.
So I send this special message
to the Heaven up above.
Please take care of my Angel
and send him all my love.

Author Unknown

"Merry Christmas Dustin"

Always & Forever
LOVE Mommy & Tyler

Tuesday, December 17, 2002 at 05:34 AM (CST)

If Tomorrow Starts Without Me

If tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.



I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,



And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.



I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
The thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.



If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.



And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through Heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,



He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you."
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.



You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did
Some things you knew you shouldn't do.

But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

~ Author Unknown ~

Tuesday, December 10, 2002 at 11:15 AM EST

Yesterday was the 4 month Angel Anniversary of my little boy. Four months ago he let me know that he was ready to be released of his struggles with the torments within his small body. His mind remainded strong, his heart beat with tremendeous love. The day before he went to the Heaven's, he spent the day listening to songs from the Lion King soundtrack, he nodded to me that he liked the music. It comforted him, gave his mind something to focus on, it gave him a last chance to be a little boy. I remember talking to him, reassuring him that I was with him, that I loved him more than life it's self. He knew he was loved, as I knew he loved me in the same way.

I look back on that last full day, what a joyous day it was. It's hard to believe that he would pass on the next afternoon, he seemed so well. Such a beautiful child, so full of life, love and ambitions. Who was Dustin? He was an 8 yr old blond haired, hazel eyed little boy with enough love to share with the world. He had dreams of becoming a vertanarian, he just loved animals. He wanted a puppy of his own when he was finally cured of his Leukemia. He had chosen her name. It was "ROSIE". One day, he will have his puppy and she will carry the name he chose. He can then watch over her from up above. He liked to play PS2, do puzzles, read stories, build kinex and lego, play dinky cars and listen to his fav band Nickelback. He loved to play practical jokes on any unkowing victim. He had a laugh that bolted from his tummy, we called it his belly laugh. No matter the situation, he always found reason to laugh. He'd have his meds, oral or I.V., and quickly return to play.

He was stuck in a wheelchair for over a year. With my help, he'd sit in that chair and zoom around the house or have someone push him in the halls at the hospital when allowed. He said "Hi" to everyone he knew. He loved being around people, often giving small tokens of appreciation. I remember one day, he had only been out of the recovery room for an hour (he had his third Hickman replaced), still buzzing from the sleepy drugs, he called in Melissa from Child-Life. He wanted to bake cup cakes for the entire 7th floor. Thats exactly what they did. I don't recall how many dozen, lets just say lots. He then iced and decorated each and everyone and made sure they were shared. What a sweety he was.

Its ironic how memories such as baking cupcakes, or a particular song can stir the emotions. How beautiful it is for memory. Eight years of memories nussled in my mind. So often its these memories that help me get through a day where I might otherwise sit and cry. When I look at his school photo's hung upon the wall I see his smile, his brilliant sparkling eyes, I hear his voice as it echo's forever in my mind. I smile and thank him for each and every day that he and I and Tyler shared as mother, son and brother. We were so blessed with Dustin's Life.

Christmas will indeed be difficult for us and for so many this year. I think Tyler is beginning to show struggles with his brother loss. He doesn't show a great deal of interest in the holiday season. We will light a candle, visit Dustin's special place at the cemetary and reflect upon the wonderful joys that he brought and will contunue to bring to our lives. One day, we will join him, hold him and remain with him for all time.

I have been trying to stay busy. Have been searching for employment. Its a tough world out there. I have found a job that will hold me over until the ideal one comes along. I am seeing a wonderful man. He entered my life at the exact time I needed him the most. He's been a rock to me. Tyler plays hockey once a week, with a practice usually on a Tuesday evening. He spends much of his time with his friends and playing PS2. He and I talk once-twice a week on the phone. We see each other when we can (which is not enough). I guess picking up the pieces and moving forward is something that will take time. Time is all we have, and to fill it with the positive is what we need to do until our time arises to be where we all will one day ventre too.

Happy Holidays-God Bless-
Judy

Tuesday, November 26, 2002 at 11:56 PM (EST)

ALWAYS KNOW YOU WILL BE MY SON

Na Na Na
Na Na Na
Hear him sing
On Angel’s wing
Of love within the Heavens above
Sweep down adorn me with forever Love

No pitter-patter
Of busy feet
No backpack-toting child sweet
Your bike sits in quiet idle
Yours, for only a short while
Your toys sit quietly as you once did play
I sit in your room and envision you there as you say
“Come play with me mom, it’ll be fun
I promise I’ll clean up when we are done”

I miss you son
Like no one before
I long for you
To walk through that door

Your voice sings out like trumpets shout
Your giggles consume me with out a doubt
The puzzle sits in wait for you
One day will hang in memory true

Just months ago I held you
I gently touched your cheek
My dear sweet child, you are so mild, so meek
Your battle brave
Your courage admired
You will forever be my Heaven’s child

Our first Christmas approaches with lights lit bright
I will sing to you a sweet “Silent Night”
Your birthday nears, yet another year
I will forever hold your memory dear
You’ll remain 8 forever at Heaven’s gate
I will light a candle to celebrate

Onto the summer the sun will shine
Into October autumns light divine
As years do pass your smile will shine
Forever be sweet child of mine

I will be with you always
Day and night I will stay near to you
I will love you my son, forever be it true

What will I do in years to come?
Always know you will be my son.

Written by Judy Drury (Nov 25, 2002)
In Loving Memory of
Dustin Matthew Drury
March 2, 1994-August 9, 2002



PLEASE VISIT LINKS BELOW & SIGN THE GUESTBOOK, Its nice to know you have been here.


"DEATH LEAVES A HEARTACHE NO ONE CAN HEAL,
LOVE LEAVES A MEMORY NO ONE CAN STEAL"

"HAPPY HOLIDAYS 2002" Much Love from Mom-Judy and Brother-Tyler. God Bless

Friday August 9, 2002 4:43 p.m.

Today my little boy reached his hands to God, he was gently wrapped into the golden wings of the Angels and taken to Heaven where he will run and play and be free from pain and tears. Dustin left our world cancer free, but had surcome to complications from years of chemotherapy. God Bless You Dustin, you will always be a gift send from Heaven to me.

Tyler released 8 multi-coloured balloons into the Heavens for Dustin on August 13, 2002. Dustin loved balloons and bubbles, this was a special tribute for his life from his big-brother. A tree will be planted at his school as a living memorial to his precious life. This tree will flourish over the years, a reminder that Dustin is forever with us.

Dustin Matthew Drury
March 2, 1994-August 9, 2002

When God Calls Little Children

When God calls little children to dwell with him above.
We mortals sometimes question the wisdom of
His love. For no heartache compares with the death
of one small child, who does so much to make our
world wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to his fold.
So he picks a rosebud before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them and so He
takes but few. To make the land of heaven more beautiful
to view. Believing this is difficult, still somehow we must try.
The saddest word mankind knows will always be
"Good bye."
So when a little child departs we who are left behind,
must realize God loves children...
Angels are hard to find.

HE ONLY TOOK MY HAND

Last night while I was trying to sleep,
My son's voice I did hear
I opened my eyes and looked around
But he did not appear.

He said "Mommy you've got to listen,
You've got to understand
God didn't take me from you, Mommy
He only took my hand

When I called out in pain that night,
The instant that I died,
He reached down and took my hand,
He pulled me to his side.

He pulled me up and saved me
From the misery and pain
My body was hurt so badly inside,
I could never be the same.

My search is really over now,
I've found happiness within,
All the answers to my empty dreams
And all that might have been.

I love you and miss you so,
And I'll always be nearby.
My body's gone forever,
But my spirit will never die!

And so mommy, you must go on now,
Live one day at a time.
Just understand-
God did not take me from you,
He only took my hand.


Thank you for being my blessing from Heaven.

I Love you and I miss you Dustin. I will "see you soon baby", save mommy a place in Heaven. "Sleep with Angels darlin."

I LOVE YOU ALWAYS AND FOREVER
Mommy XOXOX

Dustin will rest in Eternal Slumber at the Evergreen Cemetary in Blenheim, Ontario.

**Please visit the LINKS below. Please sign the guest book, its nice to know that you have been here**

Wednesday, August 07, 2002 at 08:58 PM (CDT)

Its been a while since I updated. Dustin stayed in hospital until May 16, 2002. He then had 7 glorious weeks at home. He was able to spend time with his brother Tyler, played with some kids, went fishing with mom, Tyler and dad. We had barbeques and sat in the sunshine taking in all the wonders of the outdoor air. He loved being home!!
I loved having him home.

July 8, 2002, Dustin went into respiritory distress at home. I rushed him to London. He had a pulmenary Effusion in his heart.
Chest tube inserted at Sick Kids, all looked good, we were close to going home.

July 28, 2002, respiritory distress, lungs full of fluid. Placed on life support. One week later, kidney failure, lungs are bad again, internal bleeding, my baby is real sick.

This song is for you Dustin. I pray every minute of every day for your life. God be with you to keep you safe, to heal you and to see your life fulfilled. Dustin please know you are loved more than you ever could imagine.
Always and Forver
Mommy XOXOXOXOXOX

He’s my Son
Mark Schultz

Down on my knees I came tonight
Hoping this prayer will turn out right
See there is a boy that needs Your help
I’ve done all that I can do myself

His mother is tired but sure You can understand
Each night as he sleeps she goes in to hold his hand
And she tries not to cry as the tears fill her eyes

Chorus:
Can You hear me? Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him? Can You make him feel alright?
You can hear me? Let me take his place somehow?
See he’s not just anyone, he’s my son..

Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep
I dream of the boy he’d like to be
I try to be strong and see him through
But God who he needs right now is You

Let him grow old, live life without this fear,
What would I be, living without him near,
He’s so tired, and he’s scared,
Let him know that You are there..

Chorus:
Can You hear me? Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him? Can You make him feel alright?
You can hear me? Let me take his place somehow?
See he’s not just anyone, he’s my son..

Can You hear me? Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him? Can You make him feel alright?
You can hear me? Let me take his place somehow?
See he’s not just anyone..

Can You hear me? Can You see him?
Please don’t leave him..
He’s my son..

Sunday, April 21, 2002 at 06:35 PM (EST)

We spent from early afternoon March 31, 2002 until April 16, 2002 at home. Re-admitted into London April 16, 2002 with a central line infection. 10 days of IV antibiotics, then hopefully home to stay for a while.

Saturday, March 30, 2002 at 08:34 PM

Dustin & Tylers Lullabye: Evening is Coming

Evening is coming, the sun sinks to rest.
The birds are all flying straight home to their nests.
Sweet sing the nigthengale high over head.
Its time Dustin and Tyler were going to bed.

Here comes the pony, his work is all done.
Down through the meadow he takes a big run.
Up goes his heals and down goes his head.
Its time Dustin and Tyler were going to bed.

The lambs on the hillside have ended their play.
They've all snuggled down to await a new day.
When the sun sinks to rest, in a soft hazy red.
Its time Dustin and Tyler were going to bed.

Close your eyes tightly and dream sweet dreams, of pirates and cowboys and orange ice cream, chocolates and lollipops orange and red, its time Dustin and Tyler were going to bed......Good Night, I Love You!!

Friday, March 29, 2002 at 04:21 PM (EST) (Saturday too)

PAGE CLOSED!!

We didnt get to go home today (friday), we're horribly dissapointed. Possibly tomorrow.
Tomorrow never came (saturday), will it ever? I give up, now there is a heart problem standing in the way. Can't see through the tears anymore. Life is not worth living, not like this...this page is closed I can not continue this any further, too many road blocks!!

I wanted to take the time to send special thanks to everyone who took the time to follow Dustin in his journey through bone marrow transplant. Your messages did make a difference in our time in hospital. Thank you to my mom and dad, brother Dave, sister(inlaw) Rhonda, Trace and George, Doctors Nurses and Staff at London and Toronto Hospitals. To Everyone and Anyone who in any way shape or form offered us support, we thank you. Father Greg for his sence of humour and kindness through the good times and the bad!!

I have made a decision to conclude this Journal as of today. I will leave this page up for a while, but please note that I will not post any further entries. If we ever do go home, I will be sure to post it at the bottom of this entry.

From the bottom of my heart, I thank you all for caring so much about Dustin and I!!!



Judy and Dustin

Wednesday, March 27, 2002 at 09:32 AM (CST)

Physiotherapy is in at the moment. Dustin is doing extremely well with his range of motion and mobility. He just finished sitting on a physio balance ball. He needed little extra support from his therapist. I am so proud of his accomplishments.

The squeeky wheel gets oiled. Plans for home are falling into place. Pending a CT Scan tomorrow and its results, we may be home as early as Friday. Dustin may not require antifungals, but then may require them. All this depends on the results. We will need a daily nurse in to monitor his blood pressure, plus a physiotherapist and occupation therapy occassionally. I will have to set up school once we have settled in. I am excited to finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I must go in search of a wheelchair for my kidlet today. I will contact the Red Cross to see what they have available for me to rent.

Dustin is off his feeds now, eating normally in everyway. The Doc said todays blood work was excellent. Levels are all good.

I will be notified tomorrow afternoon as to if we are discharged on Friday. If not, he and I will spend the Easter weekend here, and go home on Tuesday.

Uncle David came to see us on Monday evening. He was in London for the night, leaving yesterday for New Brunswick. Thanks Dave for all the help you have offered to Dustin and I. Both you and Rhonda have been God sends to us!!! *HUGS*

Monday, March 25, 2002 at 04:42 PM (CST)

I woke this morning feeling quit on edge, something inside me told me this would be a trying day. It has been just that. When we were able to leave Toronto, I honestly felt that Dustin and I had finally reached the near end to this exhausting experience. Well, here he and I sit, and sit and sit. Both his and my emotional well beings are being tested once again. Still no idea of when we can go home. What is home? Wish I had just an inkling of what it is to be home. For once I wish someone would walk a mile in our shoes and feel how we feel. Wednesday will mark 9 months of hell!!!

I sat and talked to two wonderful people from this hospital today, spilling my guts as to how this whole ordeal has made Dustin and I feel. Dustin has been snappy, irritable and is an emotional basket-case as am I!! While in conversation today, Dustin broke down and cried, he mumbled amongst the tears that he needs to go home. Why is it that no one hears him? Why is he here still? When will he and I get a break in life? What is life?

Dustin has not seen home for close to a year now. As a parent, my heart breaks for him. He is only 8 years old and he has had most of his life spent in Hospital. When will he get a chance to be a little boy? I am all that Dustin has, and he is all I have. We have only each other, we will make it, just give us a damn chance!! Its time for us to go home!!

Time to fix a peanut butter sandwich for my supper, yeap I eat a lot of sandwiches, the food here sucks, wouldn't feed it to a sewer rat.

Bye for now

Saturday, March 23, 2002 at 01:49 PM (CST)

Dustin and I spent the better part of the morning playing Spyro on his PS2. Playing that games offers us countless giggles and smiles.

Had to make a food run today. This little guy is sooooo hungry for anything that is not offered here in the Hospital (which pretty much covers all foods he likes). My grocery bill is enormous. I will do anything to see that he continues to eat and drink as well as he is.

Dr. Cairney came in a few minutes ago. She has decided to stop the Anbisone antifungal for two nights. This is being done to see if the antifungal might be responsible for an elevated liver function level in Dustin. She also remarked that he is doing well with his platalets. This can be managed in clinic she said. I felt a sence of relief when she finished up with us today.

Still no word on going home, but I feel that with everything going as well as it is, that it will be very soon.

Its pretty quiet here. We had visitors yesterday for a half hour. I should call Grandma today, to see how the family is doing. The weekends are very boring, lets hope the afternoon moves along at a steady pace.

Thats all for now. Take Good Care. Please sign the GUEST BOOK!! We do so enjoy the messages.

Many thanks go out to the friends of Caedan that have stopped by to read of Dustins Journey. Best Wishes for Caedan and his family who are in Transplant in Toronto!! *BIG HUGS*

Saturday, March 23, 2002 at 01:49 PM (CST)

Dustin and I spent the better part of the morning playing Spyro on his PS2. Playing that games offers us countless giggles and smiles.

Had to make a food run today. This little guy is sooooo hungry for anything that is not offered here in the Hospital (which pretty much covers all foods he likes). My grocery bill is enormous. I will do anything to see that he continues to eat and drink as well as he is.

Dr. Cairney came in a few minutes ago. She has decided to stop the Anbisone antifungal for two nights. This is being done to see if the antifungal might be responsible for an elevated liver function level in Dustin. She also remarked that he is doing well with his platalets. This can be managed in clinic she said. I felt a sence of relief when she finished up with us today.

Still no word on going home, but I feel that with everything going as well as it is, that it will be very soon.

Its pretty quiet here. We had visitors yesterday for a half hour. I should call Grandma today, to see how the family is doing. The weekends are very boring, lets hope the afternoon moves along at a steady pace.

Thats all for now. Take Good Care.

Monday, March 18, 2002 at 06:33 PM (CST)

Day +60 (I think, have lost track of the days)

Yes we are in London, all settled in and anticipating going home. The days are pretty much uneventful here. The Docs are just keeping an eye on things ensuring he is stable. Seems we live by the phrase "hurry up and wait". Waiting seems to be what we do best.

Everyone say some prayers that Home Care falls into place soon, and I mean soon. We are in such a small room that we know how a mop and pail must feel. There is just enough room to sit. I have to move things around each night so I can pull out my chair to sleep. My memories will always be of confiment, as I am sure Dustin feels to same. Anyway, I thought I best get an update posted since our phone service was finally hooked up here just an hour ago.

Dustin has rolled over and gone to sleep for the night. I will sit and catch up on emails and maybe play some online games until I feel sleepy. Good night!

Thursday, March 14, 2002 at 7:00 P.M.

We're finally back into our home based hospital. Should be a week or two here, homecare to be set up, then home to recover.

Thank You from the bottom of my heart goes to the Nurses and Staff of The Hospital For Sick Children in Toronto for their extraordinary care given to Dustin while in transplant.

Monday, March 11, 2002 at 05:03 PM (CST)

Day +53
Ok here is the scoop as I had it explained to me. London hospital has a bed available. They are however, short staffed in the nurse dept. So, Toronto has to call London at 9 a.m. Tuesday to confirm our arrival. If all goes in our favour (hints to the London Nurses to have enough staff!!) we will leave Toronto at 11:30 a.m.

Dustin had a Kidney Function Scan this morning and his physio therapist measured his mobility etc. We are packed and ready to go. I am staying with Dustin tonight in his room. Excited to have this leg of the journey behind us, a short stay in London ahead of us as well as a chance at home life within reach.

ITS TIME FOR DUSTIN TO GO HOME!!! 9 months in hospital is far tooooo long, its time for him to have a life, to be a little boy again!!

Prays my next entry will be posted out of London.

Friday, March 08, 2002 at 01:30 PM (CST)

DAY +50
WOW 50 days ago Dustin received his donar bone marrow!!

Its a quiet day today, uneventful. He is taking all his meds oral now except the antifungal.

This kid is eating everything in sight. Hope the staff in London has lots of food ready and waiting for him *hehehe*( he has a thing for deviled eggs). Our fingers are crossed and our spirits up about getting closer to home. Every day that passes is a day closer to home!!

We're watching some TV, its a good day to just hang out!!

Thats all for today!!

Wednesday, March 06, 2002 at 08:52 PM (CST)

Hmmmm not sure what day we are at today, I think its day 48.

Dustin is doing good. He is back on steroids, but his moods are easier to deal with. He seems to stay in more good moods than bad. He laughs and socializes like never before.

Today was hat day. He and I made a hat out of a k-basin. We glued foam shapes, gummy bears and pipe cleaner flowers on it. I took pictures, it looks awesome!! The kids played bingo and everyone won. They give out super toys!!

His blood pressure is up, due to the steroids. Might have to go on a stronger high blood pressure medication if it does not stablize. His feet are still a big struggle. Had a physio therapist who specializes in foot troubles look at him. He has pretty much nothing for flexabiliy in both ankels. If they could plaster cast Dustin they would. I am going to ask about surgery. Its almost 9 months and the progesss if just toooo slow. I want him to walk again, he wants it too, but It's just not happening.

Counts are great, platelets are still struggling, they are the last to engraft. He ate a little more today. He is drinking good. All looks good so far regarding the BMT. Need to take some drastic measures to get my son back on his feet.

He is ready to go home, will see what the plans are hopefully tomorrow. Caedan arrived today, he is the 4th child from London admitted presently. Good Luck Caedan!!


Tyler, I miss you and want to hold you so tight and never let you go. I hope and pray we are home soon, I don't like being away from you, life is not the way it should be, but it can have new beginnings and wonderful new memories. I Love you and miss you!! Dustin loves and misses you!!((((HUGS))))

Thursday March 7, 2002 DAY 49

Scoop is, that as long as Dustin remains good over the weekend, we will be transfered to London (Tuesday) until homecare is set up. This stay should be short, from there we go home!!

Monday, March 04, 2002 at 03:09 PM (CST)

Day +46
Today I arrived before 9 a.m. Dustin nurse Jodi met me in the hall to tell me that he had spiked a fever. She did a central line CBC (Blood sample) for culture. Then minutes later an IV nurse came in to take a periferal culture sample. Dustin is not nuetrapenic so the source of his fever has us a bit stumped.

We noticed that his whole body has once again broke out into a pin-point rash and his tummy hurts a little too. Classic signs of GVH. It appears that with the reduction of his steroid dose, it has given the GVH an opportunity to return like a lion. Therefore he has been put back on high dose steroids indefinetly.

Today Dustin went down to the IGT operating room to have an esophagus dialiatation. He went in a 1 p.m. under a general anesthetic. He was done and in recovery by 1:45 p.m. The Doctor who preformed the dialiatation said that Dustin will have to be monitored and may have to have surgical supports placed in his esophagus in the near future to ensure it does not close again.

He had a super fantastic weekend with is Aunt Rhonda coming to spend time with him. He was spolied rotten with an enormous amount of gifts, cards and candy. Being 8 has it advantages, especially when as handsome as he is!! Lisa and Deb from Penetanguishine came and kidnapped me for lunch on Saturday. I finally had a wonderful time away from the hospital. Would like to do it again!!

Saturday, March 02, 2002 at 06:07 PM (CST)

*Singing to my baby*

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY SWEET DUSTIN
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!!!!

Dustin is 8 yrs old today!!

ALL MY LOVE, ALWAYS N FOREVER, I am soooo proud of you Dustin for all of your hard work and your outstanding accomplishments for all of your life. Your my special blessing from Heaven. Thank you for being my little boy!!
*hugs n kisses* MOMMY XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Saturday, March 02, 2002 at 06:07 PM (CST)

*Singing to my baby*

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY SWEET DUSTIN
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!!!!

Dustin is 8 yrs old today!!

ALL MY LOVE, ALWAYS N FOREVER, I am soooo proud of you Dustin for all of your hard work and your outstanding accomplishments for all of your life. Your my special blessing from Heaven. Thank you for being my little boy!!
*hugs n kisses* MOMMY XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Friday, March 01, 2002 at 10:10 PM (CST)

Day +42
Today the staff of 8B celebrated Dustin's 8th Birthday with a little party in the parents lounge. He was showered with gift, cards and good wishes. His Birthday is tomorrow March 2. He was thrilled with his "special day". His Aunt Rhonda came tonight to spend the weekend with him. Mom will spend the weekend catching up on sleep and a little pampering.

His counts remain excellent. Everything is going well, we are waiting for some loose ends to be tied up, so what maybe in the next couple weeks we can head home. Nothing is official yet, depends on services etc.

Am going to bed now, I will pop in numerous times tomorrow to check on my little angel. Can't believe my baby will be 8 tomorrow. I miss him being little.

I love you Dustin, HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY!!

Wednesday, February 27, 2002 at 04:17 PM (CST)

Day +40 Post Transplant (7 weeks in Toronto)
We have had a couple of set backs today.

Dustins esophagus is in critical constriction. This means it is almost closed. His one oral antibiotic is now back to I.V., while his other will be administered via G-J tube. He will need a scope-dialitation. Problem is, with his platelets so low, he is at high rick of bleeding. The Docs are working on a solution.

Problem two is Dustin physical disabilities that began in the summer. He requires physiotherapy 7 days a week. The services are not available in out home town. This leaves some not so welcome options for he and I. I do not wish to go into it at this time, until I have a clear picture infront of me.

We may have to stay in Totonto a long while. I have not talked to Dustin about this yet. I am heart broken, but know that he needs to be tip-top to be at home. Dustin requires constant care, and I am not able to manage that as a single parent with out adequate services.

Today was not a good day but tomorrow may be. Keep us in your prayers.

Monday, February 25, 2002 at 09:18 PM (CST)

Day +39 post transplant
Dustin started to take his meds orally instead of by I.V. He up-chucked the first one and managed to keep the second down. The Docs are talking to the G.I. Docs to see if Dustin may need a scope and stretch of the esophagus (an ongoing problem). He is so hungry but unable to keep food and drink down.

Physio today was good, we had him balancing on a huge ball and on his knees. We are trying to teach him balance so we can eventually get him on his feet. The physiotherapist inquired about physio in Chatham at the Prism centre. They are not taking any new clients.

Sunday, February 24, 2002 at 01:00 PM (CST)

Day +38
Its such a bright and sunshiny day today, the temps outside are quite mild for February. Its Sunday here in Toronto, the slowest day of the week. Its quiet for us as we are finding it hard to find things to do to occupy our time. We have become bored with Nintendo and movies. Dustin is not into crafts much, and not into playing with his toys. So we sit staring at the T.V.....cartoons, cartoons, cartoons.

He got dressed early this morning so he and I could go for a walk in the halls. We went down the hall to the Oncology side to look at Cujo's Hockey Jersey and Hockey Sticks. We then sat at the giant window that faces onto Elizabeth Street for a while. This side of the hospital is one mass Glass window, the view is amazing from the 8th floor. We can see many high rise buidlings and the hundred or so pigeons that live in the city near the hospital enterance.

The Doctor came in to see Dustin. She looked at him and said have a nice day, all is fine and going good. His counts remain excellent. His spirits are up and down, he is extremely homesick. Hopefully we will accomplish much this week so that we can go home the following week.


He is doing wonderful with his G-J feeds which are now increased, he is now back to his regular body weight, and will remain on steroids to deal with the GVH.

Seems things are all in his favour this week, and I pray that he keeps getting better as the days pass. 6 days til his 8th Birthday!!!

Thursday February 21, 2002 7:27 PM CST

Day +35 Post Transplant
We might be going home soon, keep your fingers crossed.!!!! Dustin will spend his 8th Birthday here in Toronto, but will have the gift of home possibly the following week. Arrangements are in the works to get us home and not into London Hospital!!

We're excited as to this good news, but must focus on each day as it comes, when its right we'll go home!!

Thursday February 21, 2002 7:27 PM CST

We might be going home soon, keep your fingers crossed.!!!! Dustin will spend his 8th Birthday here in Toronto, but will have the gift of home possibly the following week. Arrangements are in the works to get us home and not into London Hospital!!

We're excited as to this good news, but must focus on each day as it comes, when its right we'll go home!!

Monday February 18, 2002 9:02 PM CST

Day+32
Dustin is doing pretty good, minus the tears and aggrivations brought unto him from the steroids. Has been a long day, he began calling me at 3:30 in the morning then twice more before 7:00 a.m. Needless to say, I am very tired and aggrivated. He was given a sleeping sedative tonight to help him catch some precious restful hours of sleep.

I have spent some time over the past weeks searching poety that I feel relates to him and I or possibly to anyone who doesn't understand how we make it through another day. This evening I am adding links to a poem or two that has great meaning to me. If you have time, read them, enjoy the music and applets. I find them soothing, and a reminder of the blessings I have been given in life.

Sunday February 17, 2002 12:52 AM CST

Day +31
This child of mine is on steroids and it shows. He is posessive and insecure. He cannot help this, but man its making me crazy. He goes from laughing to crying in a matter of seconds. Having a meal or a coffee has become a major battle. Lets not even go into my leaving at night. He stays awake late so that I can't leave. I have 4 loads of laundry to do and no time to do it. I am drop-dead exhausted!!

His morphone was discontinued yesterday, his antibiotics stopped, and he is feeling good. He looks good, lets just ditch the steroids so I can have Dustin back. He reminds me of satin with a halo! *laffin*

Dustin's dad and my other son Tyler came for a visit yesterday. Dustin loved seeing his brother. He wanted mom over dad so I spent litte time with Tyler. We did however manage to sneak out for a Burger King Supper. It was so good to see my Tyler, I miss that boy so much!!

Today is quiet, Dustin is spending the day watching movies, we're watching Sandlot at the moment. We watched MVP 2 this morning. Guess thats it for the day. Will see you again soon, if the child allows me the time. I wanted to go to the mall this week, I can see it will not happen, volunteers to sit with this kid are greatfully appreciated...hint hint...kidding, well not really, can't say I didn't try. K gotta go his majesty is yammering at me.....byebye

TWBC=8.2
HG=118
Plat=57
Poly's=7.22

Friday February 15, 2002 3:11 PM CST

Day +29
29 days post transplant, wow, still amazed at how quickly time has passed.

It's such a blessing to see my little boy stronger by the day. He looks bright, is more alert and is just the best little guy in the world. His platalets are still giving us grief. He is frustrated with the daily nose bleeds and need for transfusions.
His Physio is coming along good. He is able to move his body with much more ease. I have great hope for his ability to soon be on his feet. He and I have time, lots of time to feel and be better. I am extremely proud of his accomplishement, and wish his continued success.

Dustin enjoyed music therapy today. There is a lullabye that I sing to him, and used to sing to Tyler. The music therapist liked it so much that she asked to record me singing it....hesitantly I did. It was fun, she told me over and over that I have a beautiful singing voice.

Dustin will restart school for 1/2 hr daily beginning Monday. He didn't appear to be thrilled of this idea, but knows that he doesn't want to have to repeat a grade due to missing this school year completely.

Amanda and Leanne from Child Life came in to play Nintendo. This gave him time without mommy, and mommy a chance to eat lunch.

We are managing ok here, the days are long, the nights short. Until tomorrow.....good day/good night.

Thursday February 14, 2002 3:11 PM CST

Day +28
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!

I bought Dustin a lovely Chocolate Gift package with a small teddy bear for Valentines Day. He cannot eat it nor have the bear yet, but it sure is pretty to look at. He really liked it. Some of the children of 8B exchanged Valentines today. Child Life held a hospital wide bingo. Dustin won three times. He was estatic to win. He won a Jurasic Park Dinasaur, a card game called Slap Dragons and a Finger Bike kit. Nice prizes!!

Doctor Saunders said today that he is happy with Dustins progress. He said that Dustin is where he should be at this point in time due to the many other problems he has. I was pleased to hear this.

He was treated with low dose steroids, since this started, his GVH has lessened, his fever has ceased and his tummy isn't hurting so much. He is still retaining fluid in his gut and outer gut. With careful measures, this fluid will lessen. Therefore he remians on a fluid restriction. He is having food cravings from the steroids, he wants Hamburger Helper, he'd look at it and not touch it. Craving are nasty on steroids.

His counts for today are:
TWBC=13.3
Hemaglobin=83
Polys= unknown but am sure are as high if not higher than yesterday.
Platalets=42--> Transfusion

We send Tyler a couple e-cards for Valentines Day. Dustins former grade one teacher sent a card and picture today, perfect timing, he was thrilled to get mail.

Wednesday February 13, 2002 11:27 AM CST

Day +27
Wow, I can't believe that it has been 27 days since Dustin was transplanted. Its amazing that after sitting here day after day, week after week, thatI can look back in total amazement to the number of days behind us. It will be 5 weeks tomorrow that Dustin was admitted here in Toronto. It will be 8 months at the end of this month that he has been in hospital between London and Toronto total. Would like to say time fly's when we're having fun, but in this case it has not been fun. It has been an experience of a life time, a journey that I don't ever want to see my child to have to take again. But I must say, that I know my child has received the best possible care in the world, I am blessed to have been the one to be there for him in his journey for life!!

Counts for Tuesday:
TWBC =4.6
Hemaglobin=98
Poly count= Unknown
Platalets=22 -> to transfuse

Counts for Wednesday (Today)
TWBC=8.0
Hemaglobin=85
Poly's=6.72
Platalets=23 -> to transfuse

Dustin will be started on low dose steroids for GVH. He is sleeping quietly now, I am slipping out for lunch with a mom (Cindy) who is leaving with her son Aaron for Halifax tomorrow. Aaron and Dustin were transplanted to same day (Jan 17, 2002).

Monday February 11, 2002 4:35 PM CST

Day +25
His counts have dropped a little today. Assured this is normal in transplant. His platalets are playing havock on him, he has had numerous bleeds today. He also needed a red cell transfusion. So much his wee body endures and he still finds a way to smile and be loving. He is laying in his bed at this moment holding an ice pack to his nose to stop the bleeding.

He made a Valentines bag today, played cards and played nintendo.

Its nice to be in a step-down room, althought for Dustin its still being in hospital and still being stuck in a bed. Each day is a day closer to home I keep telling him.

Saturday February 9, 2002 2:11 PM CST

Day +23
Sure was happy to see Dustins TWBC count at 1.2, Hemaglobin 83, Platalets 34 (transfusions regular if under 50) and Poly's (Neutraphils) of 1.06. He will go to step-down tomorrow where he will begin his recovery. He will remain there until he is eating reasonably well and his counts are where the Doctors feel he is safe for discharge. Not sure if we will go home or back to London. I imagine we will go to London for a week or so until they are satisfied with things and homecare is in place.

Dustin has a distended abdomen, he is holding fluid in his gut and outer gut area, he is being monitored for this and receiving adequate meds to help reduce this volume. Dustin has been running a low grade fever. Sometimes this is associated with engraftment. He is also showing early signs of GVH (Graph Versus Host), his body is trying to reject the transplanted bone marrow. He is on drugs to help ease the symptoms. If they persist and become more so, he will be treated with Prednizone (steroids) until the symptoms subside.

Todays activities include playing Nintendo (Tom and Jerry and Mario Cart), crafts (Valentines), and cartoons on television. He tires so easily, thus he spends much of the time quietly resting.

He keeps saying to me that he can not believe he is going to step-down, he is anxious to come out of isolation. He will have to wear a mask and avoid being around people for 6 months now. Staying somewhat isolated from the general population for a 6 month period of time will be ok with both of us. We just want to go home!

Update as of 6:30 p.m. TWBC count is 1.6

Friday February 8, 2002 10:37 AM CST

Day +22
I would like to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of you that has taken to time to submit such kind words of encouragement, and hope in Dustin's guest book. It is these words I read daily that help to get me through each day. As you all know I am caring for Dustin full-time on my own, and it can play havock on the physical and emotional well being, and it has, after I read the guest book daily I know I am not alone. It would be nice if I had an extra body here, but I know that is not possible.

This morning I came in to find that Dustin's TWBC count it now at .6 and he has poly's (Neutraphils) of .45. Two consecutive days at . 5 will transfer Dustin into step-down, keep your fingers crossed. *Proud Mommy*, Way to go Dustin!!!

Other than that all is going well, we just have to deal with each day as it comes. I'd be here directly for both my children over and over if I had too, children are out greatest gift, and as a mom, I know that nothing in this world is more important that the life of a child!!

I love you Dustin and Tyler with all my heart and soul, always and forever!!

Update as of 6:18 p.m. TWBC count is now .7 *VBS*

Wednesday February 6, 2002 4:30 PM CST

Day +20
Dustins TWBC count remains at .1. He is to the point that he doesn't really want to do anything. He is bored with Nintendo, painting, stories and movies. I am feeling frustrated, not sure what to do to help him pass time. He is refusing the volunteers, the music therapy and schooling. Just getting him to talk is becoming a chore. I will not give up, I am sure that when he feels better, he will spring back to his normal self. He is tired of being in the hospital, tired of the poking and constant interuptions. Staying in his bed 24 hours a day 7 days a week in isolation has got to be so stressful for him.

One things that did bring a smile to his face today was a visit from three of the Toronto Raptures. They were not allowed to see the children on 8B, but signed basketballs and gave each child a picture of them. They were super guys!! The moms gathered in the parents lounge, where we were able to meet and talk with them. This is where they signed the treats for the children. I took a couple of pictures on my own camera for Dustin and Tyler.

Dustin was transfused platalets today, and was administered Immunoglobulin. His meds reamin pretty much the same as they did a week ago. His feeds seem to has settled well in his system, so far he seems to be adhearing to all the medications very well.

It is my guess that he and I will remain in Isolation for at least another 2 weeks. His body is recovering very slowly, unlike stem cell transplant children who are in transplant and into step-down usually within two weeks. Bone Marrow children average 4-5 weeks before they go to step-down, then remain there for at least another 2 weeks. Its a long road ahead, today is a day where he and I wish it would move along at a faster pace!!

Tuesday February 5, 2002 7:48 PM CST

Day +19
Todays TWBC dropped to .1, as advised, this variation may go up and down for a couple of days.

He sure feels better, fiesty child today. He made it clear he was not happy with anyone today. He yelled, kicked, and swung his arms at just about anyone who came in to see him, including me.

He was transfused platlets, and red cells today. His feeds were restarted as well as TPN, he went without nutrition for about a week or so.

My son is a fighter, he's on his way up!!

Monday February 4, 2002 1:39 PM CST

Day +18
I woke to gusting winds and blowing snow. The outside temperature is extremely cold. One parent here said its -20 with the wind chill. Believe me it may be colder than that. I walk to and from the hospital daily and this is the coldest day yet. Good thing I only have to walk 3 blocks, anymore than that and I'd be taking a taxi, we all know how expensive that can be in the city.

I came in around 9 a.m., the nurse on for today (Lisa) said that Dustin has a (TWBC) Total White Blood Cell Count of .2, this will be confirmed tomorrow. If this is correct, then the new bone marrow is beginning to engraft. I am feeling good feelings about this cell count being accurate. My son looks too good for it not to be.

He was transfused concentrated pooled platalets again this morning, none so far this afternoon. His hemaglobin remains good at 81. If it drops to below 70, then he will be transfused.

We look forward to the good days ahead, each day that passes here, is one day closer to being able to go home. Knowing my child is now cancer free, leaves me with emotions of happiness that I cannot describe.

The Social Worker today said to me that Dustin is a "Miracle Boy". To me, both my children are Miracles and Blessings from Heaven!!!

Sunday February 3, 2002 5:13 PM CST

Day +17
Transfusions are very common to Dustin this past week. He had red cells at about 1:00 a.m. and his usual platalet X 2 during the day. He will be started back on his Vivanex feeds at a rate of 5 ml/hr. This will be just enough to keep his gut moving.

The Doctor said she is happy with his progress. That he is doing well. We sit and sit and sit and wait for engraftment.

He is sleeping quietly now, I will try to go to my room early to enjoy a nice bath and good sleep. Thats all for the day, good night.

Friday February 1, 2002 3:52 PM CST

Day +15
Still waiting for any sign of engraftment, looks like today is not the day.

Dustin's weight has now decreased to 31.4 kg. His fluids are being increased just a weeeeeee bit. Uneventful day, other than my kidlet speaking his mind more often. Nice to see the spark in him...way to go Dustin.

I finally uploaded three recent pictures of Dustin and his brother Tyler. Please have a look see at the beautiful boys I have. *VBS*

My brother Dave, and my sister-in-law Rhonda are coming tomorrow to spare me off for a while. Rhonda will stay with Dustin while I go out shopping, and run errands with my brother. I can't wait. I wish I had both of my kids with me to go out, to have some fun,like we always used too. I miss you Tyler!!! I will probably not submit a journal update for Saturday, so look for one Sunday.

Have a super weekend!! Byebye

Thursday January 31, 2002 1:54 PM CST

Day +14

Wow, I can't believe that we have been here in Toronto for 3 weeks and one day, I honestly thought the time would drag on. It seems to be buzzing along at a good pace.....unless I am falling asleep from caffeine depervation. *hehehe* This event occurs daily for me around 2 p.m. I have that coffee or two, then am good to go again 'til night time.

It snowed here this morning, calling for 25 cm, what ever that amount is...give me inches, am from the old school of imperial measures. Its crisp, and cold, kinda nice for a change, reminds us that it is still winter.

Dustin was weighed today, his weight is down to 32.2 kg. He looks better, not so puffy, he is more alert, wee bit more social. He sure can yell when he wants too...these are all good signs to me that he is feeling better. But we still have no cells engrafting as of yet.

Physio was in as she is daily, her and I had Dustin sitting assited on the edge of his bed, he was not impressed with either of us, but he did it!!

I wanted to go to the mall today, just because I need to get away, unfortunatly, the snow changed my mind...so here I sit, watching cartoons...they have lousy cable channels here, much better in London. This isn't the Ritz Carlton, but should at least have decent cable programs....*rolls eyes*

Its a very quiet day, as I said yesterday, its a sit and wait thing now, keep Dustin in your prayers...

Wednesday January 30, 2002 1:19 PM CST

Day +13

The Doctor just stepped in to see Dustin. He noticed that he was not so puffy. He is slowly releasing his fluids. His weight is .2 kg less than yesterday.

My little boy has asked for sips of iced tea and sunny delight. I was able to get him iced tea. Wow, am kinda floured that he is asking for drinks. He is not receiving nutrition at all at the present, they say a few days will not be harmfull. They are focusing on lowering his fluid overload.

The Doctor also mentioned that she would not be suprised if Dustin is at least another week before white cells begin to show in his blood work. For Dustin, it is expected to take up to 4 weeks for the unrelated bone marrow to engraft. He is classed as a "High Risk" transplant, due to the presence of fungas within his organs. His body has been through so much trauma, his recovery will be extremely long.

Physio is now in to do some chest therapy, to help keep his lungs clear. He wore his leg/ankel splint for 4 hrs today. *VBS*

Thats all for today.

Monday January 28, 2002 6:18 PM CST

Day +11

Today was found to be a much more relaxed day. Waiting for engraftment. Dusty was transfused both red cells and platalets. His blood pressure, stats, and heart rate remain normal with no fever. He is however still with fluid overload. The Doc ensured me that he is under constant care, they are keeping close watch on him. They will get this fluid off his body soon. His weight today is 33.4 kg. On admittance here in Toronto not three weeks ago was 27.5 kg.

Thats about it for the day. He sleeps so much now, the days are long, but we're getting there.

Good Night

Sunday January 27, 2002 4:48 PM CST

Day +10

This is one of those days when I sincerely wish I had stayed in bed!! I came in this morning to a child who was still retaining fliuds, which was not a good thing for him. I asked what could be done and was told that he'd have albumin and lacex, and if that didn't work he'd have a cathater(sp) inserted to release the fluids. Then his blood pressure began to lower and his temp went up slightly and I hear them saying he may be going into septic shock (Septis). I felt ill, and wanted to curl in a ball and cry. He had a chest x-ray to see if his lungs were holding fluid and and ultra sound for the same reason. His eyes are a little yellow as is his scalp. Seeing all this happening sent me into a frenzy. I was re-living what happened to my child in the summer and knew it was all bad. Hours later the doc came in and said that ALL his tests came back good, no problems. What a relief. They will continue to administer lacex to encourage him to pee out the fluid. This will then set him where he needs to be.

What a day!! I felt like I was drowning, now I feel like the life preserver has been tossed to me. Dustin amazes me, he is my world!

I had a wonderful visit from Alice and Halen from Ruthven. They drove over 4 hours to see me. How sweet that was. I wished I had the time to really visit but was only able to chat for an hour or so. The lonliness I am feeling here is overwhelming, seeing them both made me feel like someone cared. I miss Alice so much, she is such a great lady!! Thanks Helen and Alice for driving all that way, you made my day!

Saturday January 26, 2002 9:16 AM CST

Day +8 Friday

Dustin is sleeping most of the time now. His body is feeling the wrath of the chemo/radiation. When he woke at 10ish, he started a nasal bleed, which turned into a throw up session and nasal bleed for an hour. He was transfused with platalets stat. Within the following hour, his bleeding stopped, but the excessive nasal bleed left him with a stuffy nose, he sounds as if he has a cold.

My trooper of a son worked well with is physiotherapist although he was totally exhausted, he did all his exercises.

Day +9 Saturday (Tyler's 10th Birthday)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY Tyler, wish we were with you, have a stupendeous day!!

I came in for 9 a.m., Dusty was still sleeping. Through the night his sats dropped again with out the help of oxygen, so he was placed back on the mask. His hemagloabin has dropped to 69, thus he will be having a packed red cell transfusion as soon as the blood product arrives on the unit. He was also ordered push platalets to maintain a safe level. He is still retaining fluids, neeeding lacex to flush his system. He is awake now, I bathed him, changed his bed, and helped him with his exercises. He will be weighed later this afternoon and have his dyna-splints put on for a couple hours or more if at all possible.

Its the weekend, which means its quieter here, not as many people in and out, this will give him time to rest. If anything significant arises for today I will update this page, if not, I will see you all tomorrow.

Thursday January 24, 2002 5:59 PM CST

Day +7
Today marks one week since transplant. Up until today things were pretty smooth. In the early hours of the morning, Dustins sats dropped. His heart rate increased. Portable X-ray was called up to do a chest x-ray, as his breathing was laboured. They were looking for signs of pnemonia, luckily, the x-ray came back good, no sign of pnemonia. However, he will be on oxygen 24/7 to help regulate his sats. On to the mouth and butt sores, due to excessive pain and discomfort, the morphine drip was increased from 1ml/hr to 1.5 ml/hr. This small increase seems to be what Dustin needs to be content.

The one thing that we were waiting to happen was for him to spike a fever. Today he did that. It was 38.7 @ 4:30 p.m. He was cultured and given tylenol. He is now sitting with a norm temp and resting comfortably. His neuts are 0, plats 33 and hg 89, twbc < .1

I am hopeing he will settle down into a nice sleep tonight. I am finding it hard somtimes to manage this ordeal on my own, but know that I am all that Dustin has. I have to get rest when I can so that I can get up and start a new day and do it all over again. I envy the families that are here as teams, sparing each other off, some have up to 4 people helping. Oh well this is something I must deal with on my own, I know that Dustin will remember who was there for him, he and I will make it!!

Good Night n God Bless

Wednesday January 23, 2002 1:01 PM CST

Day +6
My sweet angel is sleeping now, he had a busy morning with his physiotherapist. She is working his limbs in many ways to ensure his mobility remains. He wears his ankel splints 2 hrs in the morning and hopefully 2 hrs this afternoon.

The nurses are setting up a continuous Morphine drip as Dustin has developed mouth sore that are causing him great pain and discomfort.

Other than that, its a good day, we played nintendo for a while, and have been listening to music most of the day.

Tuesday January 22, 2002 5:45 PM CST

Day +5
Today Dustin is complaining of throat pain. This could be the start of mucuscitis (mouth sores) due to not having neutraphils or poly's as they call them here. His mouth/throat produces bacteria as does everyones mouth, only thing is, is that he does not have fighter cells to defend infection, thus mouth sores. He rinces numerous times daily with a special mouth rince, but in the end, most children in transplant develop these painful sores. Morphine is used to help ease the discomfort. He has had Morphine twice today.

It has been a quiet day, his ultra sound results showed proper blood flow in his liver. No apparent problem has arisen in his liver. Although he does have some tenderness in the liver area, they say may be due to fluid retention. He was given a dose of lacex this morning.

Dustin spent time with a child life worker so I could have lunch. They played Nintendo 64 for about an half hour. He spent the remainder of the day watching television, and some time playing a game on my lap top. Its close to 7 p.m. now, he is sleeping. Around 8ish the nurse will come in to do his vitals, he will wake up and be fussy until his sleepy med takes hold.

Tomorrow is day +6, each day brings us closer to engraftment. A day closer to coming home.

Thank you to all my family and friends who have been so supportive during this time. Thank you to everyone who has signed the guest book. I read every entry to Dustin to let him know he has so many around him that care for and love him.

Monday January 21, 2002 8:36 PM CST

Day +4
It snowed here in Toronto today, I opened the window blind so Dustin could see the snow flakes fall. He smiled wide and bright, its been so long since he was outside, he will completely miss the feeling of winter on his face this year. We will have to wait til next winter. Next winter he will play, romp, sled and make snow angels. I feel sad for him, he can only peer from a window and remember what it feels like to be outside. He has been in hospital for 7 months.

The physiotherapist had to work longer with my little guy today. His feet have stiffened up, meaning he must work twice as hard to get back the mobility he had last week. Laying in bed due to transplant has weakened his feet and leg muscles again. He will have morphine before physio to lessen his discomfort.
Dustin is suffering from hyper-sensitivity, related from his TBI a week ago. He hurts where ever he is touched. This causes him great stress and he finds it so difficult to even roll from side to side.

Dustins own immune system has fully crashed now. He is feeling sluggish, yet finds the energy to play a bit of nintendo. He has lost his appetite and desire to drink any fluids. He sat with a borderline fever most of the day. Finally at 7 p.m. he agreed to have Tylenol to make him more comfortable. His blood pressure was up again, he seems to do this late in the day. He is given a med to help bring it down. He remains on three antibiotics, antifungals, antirejection and numerous other drugs essential in transplant. He is doing all the things he should be doing at this stage. His liver functions are elevated, he had an ultra sound to view his blood flow, to see if he is at rick for vascular liver disease, it is treatable if they feel he has it. Results will be in over the next few days.

Many children develop many complication in transplant. I have been assured that he is being monitored constantly. I feel the comunication level in this hospital is excellent. I am kept on top of issues at all times. This is the best place my child could ever be. I couldn't have been blessed more than to be blessed with this hospital and its outstanding professional care dedicated to my and other children.

Saturday January 19, 2002 6:31 PM CST

Dustin is in what they consider the critical stages of his transplant/recovery. He is doing well, the Doc said he is doing better than they expected. He is having troubles with is heart rate and blood pressure. He has been given meds to help lower both of these. He is eating small portions of food. He plays very little, and sleeps very little.

Today (SAT) Dustin has received 2 platelet transfusions as his own bone marrow is drying off. By Sunday, he will no longer have his own original bone marrow. He will receive many transfusions now to maintain his body, to keep him safe.

Within the next couple of weeks we pray his donated bone marrow will find it place with in his bones and begin to reproduce new healthy cells.

Its going to be a sit and wait ordeal now. I will post his progess every other day as the events daily are very quiet. If anything significant takes place I will be sure to post it.

I am happy with his progress and know he will do extremely well. Dustin is strong willed, he is a fighter.

Thats all for now. See you all soon!

Thursday January 17, 2002 9:05 PM CST

DAY 0
At 12:30 p.m. today, Dustin began to receive his unrelated bone marrow transplant. It was infused into his body via his hickman over a period of 4 hours. He was monitored for the entire transplant. He did extremely well. He was chattery, and in such good spirit. He was given demoral and benadryl to counteract any allergic reaction. He slept for a good hour half way through transplant. He woke asking for food. This suprised me, he had some iced tea, cookies, chips and lasagna. We began to notice around 5ish that his heart rate and blood pressure were too high. He was monitored every 15 minutes, the nurse said this was not uncommon that he received huge amounts of fluid via the transplant, therefor raising his heart rate and blood pressure. He was given meds to rid his body of the excess fluids. He peed a lot!! His skin turned bright red, this is from large quantities of hemaglobin in his new bone marrow. This will lessen as he days pass. Over all, the oncology team was very pleased with how well he did. Dustin is on special watch because of his fungal infections. He is gettnig the best possibe care in the world. They all feel very good about his recovery. The next couple of weeks will be ones for which we sit, wait and watch for complications. All transplant recipiants have complications. He is on so many different medications to help ease the side effects of the transplant.

Today I witnessed the most beautiful experience in my life....my 7 year old son holding the bag containing his new bone marrow, he closed his eyes, he made a wish upon this most beautiful gift...I know he wished for life. His wish has been granted. God Bless you Dustin, Your My Blessing From Above, I Love You, Always and Forever, Mommy.

Wednesday January 16, 2002 6:23 PM CST

Day -1
*Taking a big breath*, today is the last day Dustin is in a normal hospital room. He finished up his total body irradiation, and had another EKG. He had been on decadron steroids for the past few days, but we ran into troubles, this drug has been discontinued. In him it causes high blood pressure and elevated sugar, so he is now off this steroid. Dustin is currently receiving pre-transplant meds, proteins and antibiotics.

He had a good day today, he enjoyed his last take-out meal for 6 months. He will be on a low bacteria diet, therefor take-out, fresh veggies and fruits are not allowed.

He still cries for his brother who he misses so much. I feel helpless as siblings and other children, friends etc, are now allowed on the bone marrow transplant unit at all.

Tomorrow is the day he will receive his donar bone marrow. The day nurse briefed me on the events of the day. The day will be busy at first, then settle down once Dustin is moved into total isolation. Today I wish to send my heartful thanks to Dustin's Unrelated Bone Marrow Donar.

Tomorrow marks the start of Dustin new life, please keep him in your prayers.

Tuesday January 15, 2002

Day -2
We woke this morning, got dressed and headed over to Princess Margaret for day 2 of TBI. Dustin lays so still and co-operates nicely with the technicians. He has a total of 8 minutes twice daily of radiation. For doing so well, they gave him a Bugs Life Watch, this made him feel good, he really liked it.

He is beginning to feel the effects of the chemo and radiation. He feels much more tired and is beginning to have troubles eating. He feels a little nausea, but still tries to eat. He was started on TPN today as well as his feeds. His fluid levels are high due to the volumes of meds, so he is retaining fluid. He has gained 3 kg in 24 hrs. He is now on Laisex (sp) to reduce his swelling.

Dustin cries a bit more than usual, he is stressed out, tired and misses his brother immensly. He is also worried about spending his nights with out mom. As of tomorrow night I will no longer be able to stay with him. He will be moved into isolation Thursday morning after he has a Bacti-stat bath, once there, mom can not sleep over. It will be hard on both of us but am sure Dustin will soon adjust. He is an amazing little boy, I love him with all my heart and soul.

Monday January , 2002

Day -3
Our morning started off with a trip over to Princess Margaret Hospital for TBI. Its about a 10 minute walk through underground tunnels via Children's, to Mt. Siani, then to PM. Dustin did very well with his first day of radiation. He will return again tomorrow for a 9:15 a.m. and a 3:15 p.m. session in simulator 18.

His hemaglobin was 67 this morning, he had a red cell transfusion, he does well with these. His proteins are low due to the antigungals so he is receiving Albumin to bring his levels up. The Onc. Doc reccommended on the advice of Infectious Diseases to add another antifungal to his protocol to ensure that all angles are covered.

Dustin is feeling much more tired, his appetite is decreasing and his moods are doing the wave.

We'll see you tomorrow. Thanks for stopping by.

Sunday, January 13, 2002 at 03:42 PM (CST)

(Noticing the days should be minus day 4 etc.) So this is Day -4.
Dustin has just had his last dose of Cyclophosphamide and Mesna. This ends his four day dose of this chemotherapy. His blood cell counts are beginning to drop as are his nutrient counts. He is under close observation by nurses and doctors. This is normal for this stage in the conditioning protocol. He remains on tobramyacin and pipercillan and vancomyacin and decadron (steroid). His appetite is still present, his moods a bit more subtle, and demanding. I am feeling tired already from his daily care needs.

Tomorrow at 9 a.m. we head over to Princess Margaret Hospital for his first round of total body irradiation. He will go daily, morning and afternoon Mon, Tues and Wed.

He is laying in his bed at this moment watcing a Muppet Movie on television. He says for me to say hi to everyone who reads today's journal. Here is goes...."HI".

K thats it for today, back tomorrow.

Saturday, January 12, 2002 at 06:50 PM (CST)

Day 5
The Doctor found that Dustin had an irregular heart beat today. He underwent an ECG and is on a 24 hour monitor to check the pattern of the rythmns. They assured me that it is minor and is most likely the cause of one of the many drugs he is currently taking. His blood cell counts remain good, his phosphates are low. He is receiving suppliments for the low phosphate counts.

Dustin spend a great deal of the day on the StarBright World computer system playing games and talking via web cam to other children in North America who are also in hospital He spoke with a little girl from Michigan and another from Nebraska. This was a bright spot in his day. He beamed with excitement to be able to talk to other sick children so far away.

He had his hickman dressing changed and did his daily physio excercises. We had a good day overall.

Remember to sign Dustin's guestbook before you leave, he loves to see messages and loves to receive email. His addy is dustin_619@yahoo.ca

Saturday, January 12, 2002 at 12:32 PM (CST)

Day 5

Today my heart weighs heavy on learning of the passing of a beautiful child JODI BANFILL age 15 yrs on Friday January 11, 2002. My sincere condolances are offered to Jodi's parents Kellie and Dennis, brother Brett and sister Taylor.

"I'll lend you for a little time a child of Mine," He said.
"For you to love the while she lives
And mourn for when she's dead.
It may be six or seven years, or twenty two or three,
But will you, till I call her back,
Take care of her for Me?
She'll bring her charms to gladden you,
And shall her stay be brief,
You'll have her lovely memories as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise she will stay, since all from earth return
But there are lessons taught down there
I want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over
In my search for teachers true
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes
I have selected you.
Now will you give her all your love,
Nor think the labor vain,
Nor hate me when I come to call to take her back again?

I fancied that I heard them say: "Dear Lord, Thy will be done!
For all the joy thy child shall bring,
The risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter her with tenderness, we'll love her while we may,
And for the happiness we've known
Forever grateful stay;
But shall the angels call for her much sooner than we've planned

We'll brave the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand.

Friday, January 11, 2002 at 03:40 PM (CST)

Day 6
Today has been a very quiet day. One of the doctors came in to tell me that Dustin had cultured positive for a gram positive infection (possibly in his hickman -will be cultured daily, removal decision pending further results). This may be the culprit that has been the source of the recurrent daily fevers in his body these past 8 weeks. However, since the first night here in Toronto, Dusty has not had one fever. His feeds have been stretched out over a 24hr period at a lower rate. We have not had one bought of vomitting, this makes for a much happier child and a less uptight mom.

Dustin received his second dose of chemo today. He seems a wee bit sleepy. Chances are that the chemo may be effecting his blood celll counts already.

He did fantastic with his physio, slept through his school time, played a while on the Starbright World computer system and played Guess Who with me.
He is eating small portions of a variety of food and has been in a good humour.

Today was a good day, we'll see what tomorrow holds.

Thursday, January 10, 2002 at 07:19 PM (CST)

Day 7.
Dustin began a Antiemetic Protocol today. His chemo is called Cyclophosphamide. He will receive this for day 6, 5 and 4. He tolerated it well. He went for an Echocardiogram on 4th floor. He was measured for TBI today. He will have total body irradiation Mon, Tues and Wed x 2.

His bedside school teacher was in (Sandy), she will begin schooling with him tomorrow at 2:30 p.m. He will receive schooling as long as he feels well enough to participate.

His physiotherapist was in, he worked well with her today, she was thrilled with his progress. She will see him daily for the entire stay here in Toronto.

Dustin is sleeping soundly now. Lets hope this night is a peaceful one. He has tolerated his feeds extremely well and has not had a fever since late last night.

Tomorrow is day 6, may it be as wonderful as today.

Wednesday, January 09, 2002 at 06:43 PM (CST)

Today is the big day for us. We are off to Toronto to begin the bone marrow process. Offically called Day 8. Daddy and Tyler came too. ( I will miss you Tyler).

With endless kisses, hugs and sincere well wishes we said our good-byes to the nurses, doctors and staff at London Health Sciences Centre. The place we called home for 6 months will now be a place we look forward to visiting for check ups post-bone marrow transplant.

We will miss everyone in London more than any of them will ever imagine. Dustin and I grew very attached to the nurses and staff. I know he felt a lump in his throat as I did when we had to say thank you and good bye. It was a difficut moment, but one we know will lead us to a new improved life.
THANK YOU to everyone who touched Dustin life in any way at the L.H.S.C.

We are now in Toronto, it is close to 8 p.m. Dustin has settled into his room where I find him sleeping comfortably. His meds are being sorted out for the start of his conditioning for transplant.

Tomorrow (Day 7) he will begin his High Intensity Protocol #3. Tonight I will rest as well as possible in anticipation of what lies ahead. I will lean over Dustin while he sleeps and tell him "Sleep With Angels and God Bless"
For Tyler I send my love and angel kisses, I Love you baby, good night.

Tuesday, January 08, 2002 at 11:18 AM (CST)

Today the sun shines bright, the winter air crisp. It's a beautiful winter day here in London at the Children's Hospital.

Today is a quiet day for Dustin and I. While he sleeps I sit here adding the second page to his journal.

Tomorrow (Wed) we will be discharged to The Hospital for Sick Kids in Toronto. We will spend the remainder of the day meeting with the transplant Doctors. Gaining every tid bit of information to ensure that his body is ready to adhear to the massive doses of chemo and total body radiation that will kill off his own bone marrow. This process will take seven days.

I am feeling a mixture of emotions. I feel excited, but yet apprehansive. It hard to explain the emotions felt as my child will be offered a second chance at life. I will take things in stride, live one day at at time.

I think of Dustin's unrelated bone marrow donar often. We know that this person is a male and that he is a perfect match to Dustin. I ponder the feelings this person is experiencing. Is he excited, scared, how well will he do in the harvest. I can only hope that he might know that there will never be words enough to show our thanks for giving from himself to my child. Without donars, we would not have those we love with us. Today I send my love and appreciation to Dustin's bone marrow donar, and say Thank-You, GOD Bless.

Monday, January 07, 2002 at 10:53 AM (CST)

Dustin Matthew Drury was born on March 2, 1994 at Chatham-Kent Health Alliance. He weighed in at 7 lbs 8 oz, a perfectly healthy baby boy.

Dustin was initially diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia on April 2, 1997, just four short weeks past his third birthday.

Dustin underwent 3 years and two months of chemotherapy to maintain a remission and to hopefully open the doors to a normal healthy life. Dustin's chemotherapy protocol ended on May 29, 2000. At that time he resumed everyday living as all youngsters should. He played soccer, baseball, roller-bladed, enjoyed swimming lessons, played dinky cars for hours with his brother Tyler and their numerous friends. He lived and loved life!

This love for life came to a crushing halt on June 27, 2001. Dustin had relapsed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia, however, this time it was also found in this Central Nervous System.

This is where Dustin Journey for his new found life will unfold. His story is one that holds fear, hope and overwhelming joy. Please visit daily as I will continue to tell the story of a remarkable child, a child his Oncologist call a "Miracle", a child that I can proudly call My Son.

Click here to go back to the main page.

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