Journal

Saturday, August 19, 2006 8:30 AM CDT

This is for Jean and anyone else eager for a new entry.

The lack of words changing on this page does not mean that I don’t visit often. It’s summer and we have been busy traveling, working, swimming and preparing for kindergarten. Busy is how I like it. Idle time gives my mind a chance to wander and remember.

Michael has traveled with us to NY City, Atlanta, Hilton Head and the lake. He hiked with Alex and Dobbs in Yosemite. I bet he had the best view. He’s been swimming alongside David, keeping him company at night in his bedroom alone. Michael doesn’t miss anything. He’s always there. I bet he’s been with each one of you watching your struggles and happiness too. If only we too could be there with him.

Memories can eat you up when you least expect it. For now, I like to control my memories but sometimes there are circumstances that I can’t control and I remember parts of the last two years that I really try not to.

We receive update request forms from various clinics and hospitals inquiring how Michael is doing. They arrive very unexpectedly in the mail. We have had phone calls of the same. We still receive bills, which I wish I could say are as unexpected but they are not. I had an e-mail reminder sent to me from Kay B toys that Michael’s birthday was approaching with several gift ideas attached that would be perfect for a two year old. If I could remember what my password is for their site I would stop that request from coming for the next 16 years. Ugh. Michael received birthday cards in the mail from our business acquaintances that had forgotten his fate. I did call and request that they not send one next year or the next year or the next year…. Sometime in June of this year I opened my calendar on my home laptop and about 40 events popped up reminding me of who would be picking up David that particular day and any other important news that was needed for his caregivers. These were all from the calendar I had created to keep everything in check back in the spring of 2003 of the daily responsibilities for David while Alex, Michael and I were living in San Antonio. One particular incident recently required me to reflect more on those 14 months than any other.

After that painful day in October of 2004, Michael spent almost two months inpatient at Children’s Hospital on his visit first there. Since I have several wonderful caring friends, we were not in need of anything while we were there. One particular day a good friend from junior high and high school brought me lunch. It was the one and only time that I had Chinese food during Michael’s life. I never eat the fortune cookie, but I usually read the fortune and up to that day I’m not sure I ever put faith in what it had to tell me. My fortune that day, back in October of 2004, read “You have so much to be thankful for.” I took it to heart and never looked back or thought of anything else. I didn’t need the fortune to tell me this; it was just a nice reminder. Every trip to the PICU, the bone marrow transplant, the honesty of Dr. Wall as we were released from San Antonio, none of this made me question my future and life with Michael. I knew it would be as long as I lived. I taped that fortune to the hospital crib that day in October and every day we returned to the hospital after that. I kept it with me in my wallet when we weren’t inpatient. Although I felt it in my heart, it was a quiet reminder. I recently came across this fortune while packing for a business trip. I had last stuck that fortune on one of my overnight bags while leaving the hospital for the last time and I had really forgotten all about it until now. It no longer has much meaning, but I am hanging on to it until it does.

July 24th was a sad day. We visited Michael at the cemetery, brought flowers, watched David run around asking about each headstone in Michael’s view. David shared his sucker with him. I never want to leave once I’m there. When I’m not not there, I never want to go.

Thank you all for your continued entries and for remembering Michael.

Angi

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