Journal History

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Tuesday, January 18, 2011 7:16 PM CST

My dear sweet, little man:

I miss you a million times over and cannot believe
that you have been in Heaven for almost 8 yrs. Wow.
You touched my life so deeply that I still smile
and/or laugh when I think of you. You touch many
lives, many hearts, and still live on through
the memories that you created.

I told you many timeshow honored I was to have been
your mom and I still feel blessed to have spent
6 yrs. with you, even though some of the moments were difficult.
You were such a strong young man to have
gone through all you did and I still beam with pride because of you.

Meagan is almost 17! She is beautiful, both inside and
out, and she inspires me to be the best that I can be
each and every day. I know that you can look down
from above and see how awesome she is.

As always,
We love you up to the sky and back!
Mom

Thursday, January 21, 2010 9:28 PM CST

I cannot believe how quickly time seems to dash by.
It does not seem as though it has been over a year since I have journaled on Austin's website. Maybe it's a sign that I am continuosly healing. I know that I am okay, even good
though I still miss my little hero with every breath that
I take. Thank goodness that I know where Austin is and
also that I can see him again one day.

I can still find comfort in this website. The love and
compassion that came from each of you was so comforting
and uplifting and always helped me face each bump and
bend in the road that came our way. Not only was Austin
blessed to have your love, but so was the rest of us.
For this I am so thankful!

A few updates:

Meagan was only 9 years old when Austin passed away and
she is almost 16 years old now. In less than two months
she will have her drivers license and a bit more freedom.
I cannot belive it. She has grown up so quickly and is
such a smart and lovely young woman. I am so proud of
her and all of the choices she has made in her life so
far. I thank God for allowing me to be her mom. She blesses me more each day.

We still have Austin's precious golden retriever, Rose. She is still just as sweet and loving as she has always
been. She just has a little gray around her face these
days. Charlie, our beagle/bassett, passed away last
week and we are missing him so much. We are so glad to
know that Austin was waiting on him when God called him
home. I can only imagine the reunion!!

How awesome is our God, the One who can walk us through
every valley and dark place. He is also there to share
our joys and our milestones.

Sleep well.

Monday, November 24, 2008 6:13 AM CST

Good morning, my dear friends,
Each year, for the past nine or ten years, my
dear friend Mary has put her heart and soul into
raising money for Children's Hospital in Mobile.
The radiothon starts on the Monday before
Thanksgiving and goes until noon on Wednesday.
She, along with all of her wonderful co-workers,
raises thousands of dollars each year to buy equipment
that is needed at Children's Hospital. She spends
countless hours interviewing families and children
that have and/or are effected by this hospital.

I would love to be one of those moms that listens
to the radiothon and smiles, grateful that I don't
have a child touched by that hospital. Wrong! I
can close my eyes and still remember every detail
of the drive down the street at Children's in
Mobile. The beautiful statues that line the drive,
kids playing, kids laughing.... it was kind of
"serene". I have never ever been so terrifed to
enter that place, knowing that Austin had been
diagnosed with a disease, a cancer. I was still
in shock (of course) and had no idea what was to
come. All I knew was that our lives had just
changed and would not go back to being "normal as we
knew it" for quite some time.

Mary has such a huge heart and a passion for this
campaign and my admiration for her is unmeasurable.
Five years ago, at Austin's Visitation, she came
over to me and stooped down to speak to me. (I was
sitting in a chair eating a saltine cracker and
sipping on a coke- thanks mom.)
I immediately remembered her. Her son and Austin
were the same age and we have
daughters that are the same age. I met her when I
was working in Page and Palette,a book store in
Fairhope.We were comparing our mischevious little
boys. Since then our friendship has grown, and even
though our hectic schedules keep us from the regular
coffee catch-ups that we would love to have, we can
still get together and pick up right where we left off.
Mary is just that kind of person. She is so easy-going
and her personality is so great.

For three consecutive years after Austin passed away,
I kept telling her, "I will be praying for you during
the radiothon but I won't be listening". Every
year though, I am drawn to listen. I learn more
about strength and grace through the stories of
children that she interviews. Life goes on...
despite the pain and suffering. How refreshing to
know that we never stop learning, we never stop
growing... through the eyes of a child.

If you get a chance, I encourage you to tune in to
99.9. You will walk away thankful.

Mary, I love you my dear friend.

Love, Tina

Saturday, October 11, 2008 10:08 PM CDT

My dear friends,

I cannot believe how fast time goes by. It seems
as though school just started for both of the
Baker girls but we have both just finished with
midterms. I am happy to report that we are both
doing good. Actually, Meagan is doing better than
great in all of her classes. I am so proud of her
and the strong, self-assured young woman she has
become. She beats to the tune of her own drum, re-
gardless of what anyone else thinks. I love that
about her. She doesn't care if everyone is doing
one thing and she is headed in the opposite direction.
I could take lessons from her.

She is still riding horses. She is jumping (which
scares me) and would rather be with her horse than
anywhere else. I love to go out to the barn with
her. We have moved Hoovy to a new barn so many times
I take my books with me and study out there while
she rides. It is beautiful and peaceful there. She
is there tonight, in fact, at a bonfire/ cookout
with some friends. I went out earlier today and
was watching her and a friend "playing" with their
horses. My buddy, Freckles, came and stood beside
where I was standing on the fence. I had the bright
idea to hop up on him. Meagan started telling me to
get off of him because he had been misbehaving when
his owner rode him lately. He started walking
off with me and it scared me so I started to
dismount the way I was being "bossed around to do".
Things didn't quite work out that way and I ended up
on my bottom on the ground. I cannot begin to tell
you how sore I am. Falling knocked the breath out
of me for a few seconds. I think it scared Meagan
as much as it did me. She told me to stay off of
the horses before I got hurt. "Yes, ma'am". No
problem with that. I have taken a hot bath and
several ibuprofen and still feel a bit sore. I
cannot wait until I have to hop out of bed in the
morning. Should be loads of laughs....

Nursing school has been both challenging and fun.
Maybe fun isn't quite the word I am looking for but
I am enjoying it. School and work have been a tough
mixture though and my balancing act has been
interesting. I am praying for some real balance so
that it won't be as stressful as it is right now.

I look back over the past five or so years and think
that if I survived that then this should be a piece
of cake. Ha!

The other night while at work someone started talk-
ing about a heart medication. I heard Austin's
voice in my head saying the name of that medication.
He took a bunch of pills and he knew the names of
EVERY one of them. He harassed a nurse one night
for giving him two of the same pill. The order
called for one. He looked at her and said, "are you
trying to kill me or something?". He sent her to
the nurses station to report herself for trying to
overdose him. I laugh everytime I tell that story
and I deeply miss him with every minute of every
day. It is not the same level pain of missing him
that I use to experience but every now and then that
same degree of pain creeps in. Ouch.

I thank God for the time I had with him. Six years
does not seem like long but it was a lifetime of
memories for me. I am thank for that amount of
time.

May God continue to bless each of you. I could
not and can not get through the day without each
one of you. God placed you in our path for a
purpose and I thank Him for that every day.

Love, Tina

Monday, August 11, 2008 7:57 PM CDT

Meagan started High School today. I cannot
believe it. (Children really don't stay
little long.) If Austin were here with us
he would have started Middle School today.
What amazing milestones, ones that as a
mom I am not ready for. I am very proud
of Meagan and so excited about this new journey
in her life, I am just not ready for her
to grow up. In four more years she will
be out the door- yuck!

It feels as though summer has flown by and
I know that kids today do not get as long
a break as we did. I remember having
three full months of vacation. We were
ready for school to start by the time it came
back around. Now they barely get two months.

I start school on Wednesday. I am extremely
nervous because from now until I graduate
my work schedule will not be like it used to be
and I will be going to part-time. This is going
to be a challenge in itself! I have spent a
great deal of time praying for guidance because
I need to work as much as I need to go to
school. I know that if all of this is meant to
be then it will all work out. If not, then God
will let me know. I just have to keep looking up!
Sometimes that is easier said than done. I am not
at all good at waiting but I am learning more
and more to be still and listen. God never has
let me down. I believe He won't this time
either. Clinicals start this semester which
will make things more exciting. I am ready for this
last leg of school. Remind me later that I actually
said that!

I picked up my books today (all 12 of them!)
and you should have seen me trying to get them
to the car. My arms are going to be well toned
by the end of this semester. I decided that
if I don't make it as a nurse then my next
plan is to be a book distributor. My books were
$748.00. We are in the wrong business!!!

Well, it is time for me to go to bed. I will
let you know how the next few days go. Oh, and
I have some new pictures of Meagan that I will
try and download.

Love, Tina

Sunday, July 13, 2008 9:27 PM CDT

Believe it or not, I finally have the opportunity to
update Austin's page. I know that it is long overdue!

When I returned from the medical mission trip in Ecuador
I came home to learn that lightening had struck the telephone system and the computer. Can you believe that
I am in the year 2008 without a computer! I feel lost
without one and I miss being able to journal and answer
emails. It amazes me at how easy it is to keep in touch
with someone at the click of a button.

I am going to get a new computer but the air
conditioner in my car went out so that trumped the need
for a computer at the moment. School starts in less than a month so hopefully I will have one by then or I will be camping out at local library.

The mission trip to Ecuador was incredible. There are
not enough words to describe the experience or enough time
to share the memories of each day. I can tell you, however, that it was a life changing experience; one that I will never forget.

Mother's Day was the day after we arrived in Quito. We
went up to Mama Yoli's to set up for clinic- which was to start the next day. We went to a church service that afternoon,the first one in Mama Yoli's (named after the woman that helped make the dream of a new preschool a reality.) I looked at the faces of these beautiful little
children and my heart melted. I held one of these doll babies during the service and just fell in love. By the end of the first day what should have been a heart filled with joy was instead a heavy heart. I was torn between missing Meagan and grieving over Austin, again. Somewhere during this time I crossed over from being sad to being down right angry. My anger was mixed with confusion too.

That night our mission team met to talk about the day and what touched us the most; where we saw God at work, etc... After our time together everyone headed for bed. I stayed behind and talked with Jimmy and Rob, our associate ministers. I tried to articulate how I was feeling. Finally, all of my feeling came spilling out, the hurt of not having my son anymore, the anger over the fact that some of these people had their children with them even though some had not been loved or nurtured, that some had been abused, that some... on and on my list went. I didn't understand why I had to go through the pain of not being able to hold Austin in my arms anymore.

I have to stop and explain that with these mixed emotions comes the guilt of feeling this way when God has blessed me with an incredible daughter. And I treasure Meagan with every ounce of my soul!

Jimmy and Rob prayed with me, along with two other team members that had come back into the conference room. During this time, I cried harder than I have in a very long time. All of those tears that have been locked away came spilling out in the far away city of Quito, Ecuador. Maybe because we were so far from home explains why I let my guard down. Who knows? I will tell you this though; the next day was an eye opening experince for me. God answered some of my "whys". God never is far from us. We only think he is.

Monday morning we gathered and loaded the bus for our journey up the mountain to an area that has only had electricity for about eight months. Not long after we arrived, the first group of children came up. They started down the steep slope to Mama Yoli's holding the hands of several of our team members. It was beautiful to watch.

These children experienced Vacation Bible School (in Spanish), got checked out by a pediatrition, had a dental check-up, and also got an eye exam. I held lots of little people in my arms that day, wiped tears, gave kisses, and got more hugs than I could have ever dreamed of. By the end of that first day of clinic, God had opened my eyes
to see the answers to some of my questions.

Austin is with our heavenly Father in Heaven and even though I long to hold him again he doesn't need me. He is well, he is safe, and he is loved. He is happy and healthy. He doesn't need me to take care of him anymore but these little children do need love and care. They need the hugs and kisses that I long to give. By the end of our week in Quito, my arms were no longer aching. God had filled a void. He also helped me realize that Austin doesn't need me anymore because he is healed. It is so hard to let go even when we know our loved ones are safe.

Austin fulfilled his purpose here on earth and that is why God called him home. He brought many people to know God, to see his strength and love in action. You could witness God's grace in the eyes of a beautiful six year old little boy that I had the priviledge calling my son.

Am I going back to Ecuador next year? You bet I am.

God bless your week.

Love, Tina

Sunday, May 11, 2008 8:55 PM CDT

My dear friends,
I am writing this from Quito, Ecuador. I am on a
medical mission trip with a group of twenty from back home. I am thrilled to tell you that starting tomorrow
we will meet and see the beautiful faces of almost
five hundred children between the ages of one and five
years of age.
We arrived in Quito late last night and spent this
morning setting up "the clinic". There are three den-
tists on our team, a pediatrician,an eye doctor, several nurses, our two associate ministers, and many other with a great passion for serving the Lord. We will see these beautiful over the next five days....

gotta go because a cannot hog the computer but will update
soon.

Love,
Tina

Tuesday, April 8, 2008 5:21 PM CDT

If you know me at all, you know that being with
my children is the most important part of my life.
Not having one of them with me as I celebrate my
42nd birthday today is heartbreaking. I don't sit
and mope, I don't want to paint that picture, it is
just that I know inside that someone special is not
here. I am so very blessed to know that he is looking
down from the most beautiful place, sending me kisses
and, as we all can imagine, silly string!

My heart smiles when I remember the birthday five years
ago, the one planned and given by my son and all of
his little "helpers". He had every detail thought out,
including the music. I wish that I could put some of
the pictures on here of that special day so you could
all see how proud he was. My bossy little one had his
helpers running all over B'ham making things perfect for
him. I can never tell you how much that meant, and still
does!!! You girls are the best and I think of you often.
You have a special place in my heart!!!

Gotta go! Meagan and I are celebrating with my family
tonight.

God bless you day.
Tina B.

Friday, March 21, 2008 10:58 PM CDT

I cannot believe that it has been so very
long since I have journaled on Austin's site.
Wow, time nevers seems to stand still. Between
school, work, and Meagan, I am in constant
motion.

Meagan has grown so much. I can hardly believe
that she is 14 years old. She is 3/4 of the way
through her last year at the Middle School.
Next year comes high school. I love watching
her grow up but I still want to grab her hand
sometimes and slow her down. Before I know it,
she will be "all grown up". She thinks she is
in so many ways. She has a boyfriend now. Sweet
young man. She would kill me for putting this
on Austin's site.

School is going well for me, just busy. There are
moments when I truly stop and wonder if this is
what I want to do. I would be perfectly happy
right where I am but financially it just doesn't
work! I love taking care of the patients at
the hospital, praying with them, and just spending
time with them. Sometimes the juggling act is
hard to maintain.

I am preparing for two mission trips in the next
few months. In May, I am going to Ecuador on a
medical mission trip. I am thrilled to have
this opportunity. When June gets here, I am
going with the youth group to a small community
in Maine. Meagan was not thrilled that I was
going with her but now she is okay with it. I
love working with the youth in our church. I
get so much from being with those kids. The trip
to Maine is going to be wonderful. I will try
to keep updates on here!!!

Today was one of those days when I REALLY missed
Austin. At work this afternoon I was
telling the girls some of Austin's famous moments.
You know those moments:
the times I could have pulled my hair out, the
times I smiled with pride and awe, and lets not
forget the time he showed everyone at Children's
Hospital the video of his birth- without my knowledge.
What a grand little man.

Holidays are still tender, but I know that this
is very normal and very okay. It would be difficult
to pretend otherwise. Most days are full of smiles
but sometimes the tears come without warning. I
thank God for the people in my life that allow me
to holding on to them until the pain passes. It has
almost been five years. I can hardly believe that.

Bedtime for me. I promise to do a better job of
updating.

Love and blessing and Happy Easter,
Tina

Monday, October 8, 2007 7:36 PM CDT

I cannot believe that it has been so long
since I have journaled. I have pulled up
the website many, many times but have no
typed a single word. I still have so much
to say, so much to smile about, laugh about,
cry about, and hope for.

Austin's name was drawn for a race that is
to be held the first of January 2008. I was
thrilled that someone would enter his name
and I didn't find out until after they fact.
This race has been around for 26 yrs. and
all of the money raised goes to St. Judes.
Even though Austin did not receive his
treatment their, I know that St. Judes is
also doing research to help find a cure
for childhood cancer. Long story short,
I pulled his name from the race a few weeks
ago because of the pre-race party the night
before that would not "honor his memory".
In fact, it would not represent anything about
this brave little boy. I have gotten grief
from several people because of my decision
but I am learning that sometimes you have
to stand up for what is right and not what
makes everyone else happy. I am disappointed
that there will not be an "Austin Day" but
I know in my heart that my decision was
the right one.

Meagan is doing great. She is taller than
I am at 5'8", and she just keeps getting
more and more beautiful every day. I cannot
beleive that she is going to be in high
school next year. Time sure goes by fast.

School for me is going well. I love the Uni-
versity of Mobile. It is a smaller college
and I know just about everyone in all
of my classes. It is a Christian college and
everyone wants to help in any possible way
that they can. I thank you for the prayers
and the encouragement.

I promise that I will not wait as long to
update next time. I need this as much as
anyone else.

May God bless the beginning of your week.

Love, Tina

Thursday, June 28, 2007 9:19 PM CDT

I cannot begin to apologize for the "trash" that has
shown up in Austin's guestbook. It hurts my heart,
actually it breaks my heart, to see such bad language
used on a site that is meant for something special.

Cathi, many thanks for letting me know about this. I
greatly appreciate it.

I know that I have not updated much in the past few
months and I wish I had a good reason as to why I
haven't. I miss my little man so much and this year
has been very tender for me. Why? Who knows? I
cannot believe that four years have gone by. It
just doesn't seem real.

There has also been alot going on since the first
of the year. I took another full load of courses
and spent a great deal of time studying. I am
proud of my grades (all A's) but I haven't had a
lot of spare time. My spare time is spent with
a tall beautiful blonde haired, blue-eyed teenager.

Meagan continues to grow about an inch every time
I turn around and I enjoy every minute that I
get to spend with her. I know that soon enough
the time will come when she no longer wants to hang
out with her mom. I am soaking up every moment that
I can.

Please keep me in your prayers for nursing school. I
should know something soon.

I will do my best to update more often. It does
feel good to journal again!

Love, Tina

Wednesday, June 6, 2007 9:53 PM CDT

The picture of the sweet little boy grinning at
the camera is celebrating his fourth birthday in
Heaven tonight and I miss him very much.

Missing holding you in my arms, little man.

Love, Mom

Saturday, March 17, 2007 6:16 PM CDT

I cannot believe that I haven't updated since February.
Goes to show how fast time flies by.

Meagan turned "13" on the second of March. I cannot
believe that I have a teenager living in the house.
It seems unreal to me. She is growing up before
my very eyes... and if I do say so myself, she is
beautiful. Last week she was inducted into the
National Junior Honor Society. We are all so proud
of her. She has come so far and seems to just keep
on going. I am very proud of her.

Meagan spends every spare moment she has out at the
barn with Hoovy. She would live out there if she
had the invitation. I will put a picture of she
and Hoovy on the pictues page. He is a great horse
and she is taking great care of him.

Me? School, work, Meagan, and trips to the barn have
kept me busy. This semester's course load is not
as bad as the one last semester and I can actually
breathe. I am applying to several nursing programs
with the hopes that one of them will accept me.
It is very competitive. Too many people and too
few slots to fill. Please keep me in your prayers.

I have almost completed my third children's book.
Writing really is my passion and I do hope that
one day I will get all of my books published.

The new library had its grand opening last week
and people got to see the "Austin Baker Children's
Activity Room". It is an amazing room. It has
a small stage in the room and the ceiling has
lights that look like stars. I am very proud. I
will try and upload those pictures too.

Thanks for checking in.

Love, Tina

Friday, February 23, 2007 4:19 PM CST

I was loading the dishwasher last night, looking at the
two glasses that I bought four years ago for Meagan and
Austin's birthdays. One has a pink "9" on it and the
other has a blue "6" on it. Four years ago Austin and
I were living in an apartment in Birmingham, living a
very different routine than I follow now. I used to
think how hectic and stressful things could get... 35
medicines to be given each day, shots, IV's, nutrition,
clinic at 8 a.m. on the stem cell unit...and on and on.

Sometimes it felt as though we were living in another zone.

Austin would be turning the big double digits tomorrow.
My beautiful little boy would be celebrating ten years of life. How
awesome that sounds. I wonder what kind of
cake we would have this year.

He was such a character. On his sixth birthday he talked me in
to all sorts of things from a party supply store and then took me
back to get things for Meagan's birthday the next week.

I am so thankful for all of the memories that I have with
Austin, I treasure them, but oh what I would give to have
had much more time with my out-spoken little boy.

Happy Birthday, James Austin Baker.
You were the bravest little boy and I am so very proud that
I was chosen to be your mommy!!!

Love, Tina

Thursday, February 8, 2007 9:20 PM CST

Again, it has been too long since I have
journaled. In my mind, I seem to write
something all throughout the day... it just
doesn't make it in here most of the time.

This past weekend I was truly blessed to be
one of many chaperones for "Meltdown" which
is a youth retreat in Panama City Beach,
Florida. It was an incredible weekend. I
believe I came away with as much as the
youth did. There was a speaker and also a
christian band. The speaker talked about
many different things but the one thing
that stuck out most to me was about how
we have such a hard time letting go of things
and letting God handle them. I thought of
Austin and how I let go of him and gave
him to God. It seems like letting go would
be such an easy task- you just open up your
"hand" and let God do the rest. Seems so
simple doesn't it. We want so badly to help
God with our problems, our hurts, our sorrows.
Letting go of Austin has been the hardest
thing that I have ever done but I will never
forget the moment that I finally gave in
to the concept of "God's will". I was sitting
at Austin's bedside bargaining with God.
Austin was on a ventilator and I was on a
stool beside the bed. I had been there for
as much of the day as I could get away with.
I would watch his chest rise and fall with
the machine and I would look at my sweet
little man and start thinking of ways to get
God to fix him. Easy enough!?! I bargained
with everything I knew hoping that if I hit
on the right thing God would magically make
Austin wake up with healed lungs and no
leukemia. After many hours of sitting there
I realized that God knew far better than I
how to take care of my son. I closed my eyes
and lifted my hands up toward heaven and "gave"
my son to God. The peace that came over me
was something that cannot be explained easily.
I knew from that moment on that God would take
care of my sweet little boy and that he would
help me to be right where I needed to be.
Did that mean that the next eight months were
going to be easy? If so, I didn't get that
memo. Things continued to get frightening
from time to time but ultimately I knew
who was holding Austin in the palm of his
hand.

As the 10th birthday of my son approaches I
still know that God is in control and that he
is taking great care of my son...

Sleep well,
Tina

Thursday, January 11, 2007 4:29 PM CST

"Do you know what today is?", the little boy
asked as the lady entered his room.

"Today is my new birthday. Did you bring me
a present?"

Austin always did have a way with words.

Today was indeed his "new birthday". It was
going to be a new beginning, a new start at
fighting and beating the leukemia that had
become smart enough to invade his small
body yet again, mean enough to even hide
in his skin this time.

As I watched the stem cells slowly drip from
the small bag, down the IV tubing and finally
into his body, I had to stop and thank God
for the gift of life that I had been blessed
with.

Little did the young boy know that he was the
one giving out the presents. To everyone
who knew him and came in contact with
him, his very life was a gift. His new
birthday, this day that excited him only
because of the chance to get a present, was
a day that words could not begin to describe.

He was so very bold, so very brave, so very
loved.

January 12, 2007 would mark his fourth "new"
birthday. May God continue to bless us
with wonderful memories of his life here
on earth.

Love, Tina

Monday, January 1, 2007 9:27 AM CST

Happy New Year!!!

2007 came as fast as Christmas did. I am excited
about this new year because it holds so much that
we have yet to see or know about. I woke this
morning thinking of Austin as I always am, but
thinking of my sweet daughter too, thanking God
that I am blessed with the gift of being her mom.
She brings me so much joy and laughter and I love
spending time with her. I know that as she gets
older the time I have with her will lessen so I
try to savour these moments.

Did I mention that she got a horse for Christmas? :-)
I have been about to explode waiting for Christmas
morning to arrive so that she could open her presents
and find that "Hoovy" was under the tree. She was
so surprised, and thrilled. I didn't tell anyone
that this was going to be her Christmas gift because I
wanted her to be the first to know and to be able
to tell others first. Last year my entire family
knew that she was getting a "horse lease" for
Christmas and she was mad that everyone knew before
her. As I write, she is out at the barn riding her
horse. She would rather be no where else and I am
glad.

The Friday before Christmas the school called and
told me that Meagan was running a low grade temperature
and that she had a headache. On my way to pick her
up I called and made her a doctor's appointment. She
was supposed to go her dad's that afternoon and I
wanted to make sure that she was feeling alright. It
turned out that she was just beginning to get a good
case of the flu. At the doctor's office her temp. was
102.2 and they did a nose swap to check for the flu.
Dr. Bishop started her on Tamiflu (me too) and by
Saturday night her fever was gone and she went to her
dad's for the night. She was so happy to get to go.

I have to admit that I was mad and frustrated that the
flu bug bit my daughter. She has been missing
her brother and now she was not going to get to go to JoJo's
and have Christmas with her cousins and everyone that night. In the
"this is not fair"
category, I was rating an 8.9 for her. I prayed and
prayed for the anger to leave because I do realize
that it is not God who decided that Meagan would get
the flu. Life is going to have many lumps and bumps
in it and Meagan, nor me, is going to be exempt
from them.

Since Austin's death, prayer has been a great comfort
for me. It is hard to grieve with no one by your side.
I am blessed to have a huge support system, and it has
helped a great deal but it is different when you are
by yourself. There is no one to hold you in the middle
of the night when a bad dream wakes you, or you have
a moment when you feel like you can't breath. My walk
with God and my faith continue to grow and I realize
that this is what I truly need in my life. Nothing is
greater than that!

Schools starts back for both of the Baker girls next
week. I am not taking as heavy a load this quarter.
I apply for nursing school in a few months. Please
pray that I get accepted.

Happy 2007!!!

Love, Tina

Thursday, December 21, 2006 5:47 AM CST

Good morning friends. Can you believe that Christmas
is almost here. The older I get the faster it comes.
I used to hear people say that all the time when I
was younger and I thought "they are crazy, it is never
going to arrive". As an adult, I see exactly what
they mean.

I treasure my memories of Christmas as a child and I
can remember just about every one of them. The feeling
that I get this time of year is wonderful. I still
have the "smell" of our home growing up in my mind. I
loved sitting in the living room at night and looking
at the tree. It was beautiful. I still love to sit
by the tree. It holds a sort of magic for me. I hope
to share this with Meagan. My childhood excitement is
now coming to life through the eyes of a child. Meagan
brings this time of year to life with her own magic.
She is about to explode with her excitement and it warms
my heart.

When the magic in my heart clouds over, I try to
remember all of the Christmas memories of life with
Austin and I try to imagine the excitement going on in
Heaven as they prepare for the ultimate of birthday
parties. Can you imagine?

I pray that you are blessed with only good memories
this year.

Have a great day.

Love, Tina

Saturday, December 16, 2006 8:10 AM CST

I cannot believe that Christmas is almost here. The
older I get the quicker time goes by. It wouldn't
bother me so much if I could just settle down enough
to "smell the roses". School is finally finished
for me so I plan to slow down some. I am proud to
announce that I received my grades yesterday and
I made three A's and 1 B!!! I am thrilled. It has
been a long semester, as my sweet daughter can attest
to. I am glad this one is behind me.

Meagan has one more week of school. I cannot believe
that they have to go all the way until the end of
the week. Last year they were out in time to enjoy
a few days of excitement before Christmas.

We are both missing Austin so much right now. Meagan
has been more verbal about it than she ever has. She
misses her best friend and my heart breaks for her.
It is almost too quiet on Christmas morning but we
keep things going. There is so much to be thankful
for and we share so many good memories of Austin.
Last year Meagan came up with such a cool idea. We
hung his stocking, as we always do, and she put a few
of his favorite things in it. Each year we will add
something different to it. I also continue to buy
an ornament in his memory and hang it on the tree.
It helps to keep him close.

Our dear friend Linda Watson, aka that "camp lady",
as Austin lovingly referred to her until he finally
got her named embedded in his memory bank,lost
her brother in a tragic accident last week. Please
remember Linda and her family in your prayers this
season. Losing a loved one at any time is hard; at
Christmas it hurts even more. Linda was mine and
Austin's "blessing" during our stay in Birmingham.
I cannot even begin to tell you what she meant to
us, and still does. I truly believe that God placed
her in our path.

Have a wonderful and safe weekend.

Love, Tina

Tuesday, November 28, 2006 4:48 PM CST

Time seems to go by so fast. I cannot believe
that Thanksgiving has now come and gone. Meagan
is so excited about Christmas. It makes the
holidays so much more special to have a child
in the house. I imagine that it must get lonely
and quiet when children leave the nest. Before I
know it, I will turn around and Meagan will be an
adult.

Speaking of... my beautiful daughter got her braces
put on yesterday and she was thrilled. I don't
remember being that excited when I got mine but
times have changed. I look at her and see so
much of myself in her at that age. I also see a few
glimpes of Austin in her, which is so nice. They
shared some of the same mannerisms but she doesn't
have the straight forwardness that he had. I count
that as a plus!!! He sure could put somebody in
their place, me included. I will never forget how
fast he grew up after his diagnosis or his words
of authority and wisdom to anyone that tried to cross
him: "I make the 'wules' of Austin Baker.
I am in 'charwge' of my body, not you". There are
moments that I wanted to dissolve into the ceiling
when he told his nurse that. What I would give to
here it again right now.

I am on the countdown until school is out. I took
on much more than I should have this semesterand
it has taken a toll on my sense of humor. I have
exactly sixteen days left and I cannot wait.
Meagan does not get out until the Friday before Christmas.
I wish she had more time out before
diving into the weekend before. She wants a horse
for Christmas. Only a horse, nothing major! :)
Haven't found one in the JC Penny catalog yet!

Time to get ready for class. Have a good week.

Love, Tina

Monday, November 20, 2006 5:17 AM CST

"In life, there are moments when you
miss someone so much, that you wish you
could grab them out of your dreams and
hug them tight". Rachael Hale


If only we could have just one more....
I know that we all have those wishes, those
moments when we wish we could push time
back for just one more moment with some-
one. I try not to do this too often,
though because I can get sucked in to
those "no mores". I try to stay focused
on the time ahead, the time when all of
us will be together again, in a more
beautiful place, a peaceful, amazing place
that Jesus promises us. Three days before
Austin died we were snuggling and I asked
him if he wanted to talk about anything.
He said, yes. He asked, "Mom, are there
big backyards in Heaven?" I will always
cherish the opportunity that God gave me
with Austin, time to prepare him so that
he would not be scared to take Jesus's hand
when the time came. When I answered his
question, "Yes, Austin, there are big
beautiful backyards in Heaventhat go on and
on forever". His reply, "Darn it, Rose (his
golden retriever) will never stay in the
house".

As I approached another Thanksgiving I thank
God for the time that I was afforded with
Austin, with the time I am still blessed to
have with Meagan, for the friendships that
God has strengthened in my life, and for the
promises of big backyards in Heaven. And, as
always, I thank God for you.

*Today starts the first day of the Children's
Miracle Network radiothon on LiteMix 99.9. It
will end at noon on Wednesday. If you can,
help make some of these needs a reality. The
things that the pledge money goes towards is
extremely helpful to the children spending
time in the hospital.

My dear sweet friend Holli, and her husband Jim,
are spending their first Thanksgiving without
their sweet baby girl. The Raborns are starting
the same lists of "firsts" without Jake.
Please keep them in your prayers.

Happy Thanksgiving my friends.

Love, Tina

Wednesday, November 8, 2006 10:14 PM CST

Believe it or not, on my own, I downloaded
a picture of Meagan and Hoovy the horse
on the photos page. I need to crop it but
it is way too late to attempt that.

Meagan is doing great, loving her horse
time, won honorable mention in an essay
contest this past week, and made all "A"s
on her report card. I am so proud of her.
Her strength and courage amaze me and I
can only hope to follow in her shoes. I
learn so much through her every day. She
was surprised about winning a place in
the essay contest due to the fact that so
many people entered. I was so thrilled
for her. Her essay was about the horse she
leases named Orient. The horse on the
photo page is a horse named Hoovy that she
"wishes" she owned. Hoovy is a horse that
belongs to a friend. He is more horse than
she can handle so he is up for sale. Meagan,
the horse whisperer, has been riding him
and has had no problems with him.
She has the gift of being able to read a
horse and know how to handle them. She does
not get that from her mother!!!

School for me is going well, my grades are
really good but, my goodness, there is no
time to breathe. I am counting down until
the end of this semester. I have until the
second week of December until I get a break.
I didn't realize that school and work would
be this challenging. I know though, that
it can be done. It is one great big balancing
act right now for me.

Speaking of... I have to go submit a paper
and it is getting late.

Sleep well, my friends.
Love, Tina

Thursday, October 26, 2006 9:04 PM CDT

I have to share with you the week I have had
with my "tween". She is so fun, so special,
so amazing, and so totally awesome. Her sense
of humor is far ahead of what mine was at her
age.

She decided to try out for the school basketball
team this week. (She has played once and that
was when she was in the second grade).
Many of her close friends were trying out and
she wanted to do a sport with them. Monday
after practice she hopped in the car and announced
that she was "just no good at basketball".
I gave her a pep talk (one she really
didn't need) and told her of how proud I was of her
for trying and that she was probably much better
than she thought. Tuesday, she had a different
twist on things. I could tell that she was
struggling with something. She told me that she
was worried that if she made the team she would
have no time to ride horses. The coach had told
them that until games started they would be
practicing almost everyday during the week and also
on some Saturdays. She was having a tough time
trying to figure out how she would do both.
Wednesday morning the list of who made the team was
posted. I did not find out who made the team until
I picked her up that afternoon. Her name was not
on the list but she was okay. She said that she told
her friends that there was always the unicycle club,
if I would spot her $125. She cracks me up. She
was truly okay.

Wednesday afternoon she was back on her horse and
riding with the wind in her face. I believe that
she would rather be there than anywhere else right
now in her life. She loves the bond she shares
with the horses and the freedom that it brings. I
can only imagine that it is how I feel when I am
snow-skiing. I have not been in a very long time
and I miss it but I still remember the feeling
that it always brought to me; a calmness and a
peace. I would love to be in Colorado right now
where all of the snow was dumped today.

Do what makes you happy, even if you are too
busy to bother. We all need something in our lives
that brings joy to our heart.

Sleep well. Love, Tina

***Please keep Amber in your prayers as she
continues to recover from the difficult
challenges over the past few weeks. She is a
remarkable young woman. Taylor Watts is doing
really well and I continue to pray for him and
his good health.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006 9:36 PM CDT

I have always loved this time of year and
the weather change. I love when we can truly see
the changing of the seasons. I feel the same way
about springtime too. These two seasons always bring
with them a bit of sadness into my heart for a day
or two and then I bounce back and I am fine. I
know it is because it is simply change, or a
newness that gets me. This time of year I am
always surprised at how Halloween makes me feel
too. I wonder what Austin would be dressing up as.
His last Halloween was spent in Children's
Hospital and I have many pictures of my
little "Harry Potter".
He was so funny; he could not believe that no one
was giving out candy. His collection of pencils
and trinkets began to frustrate him after awhile.
He kept looking for the candy as we paraded
through different departments
in wagons. If I can ever get pictures downloaded
I will share them with you.

I did not know that 2002 would be Austin's last
time to "Trick or Treat" here on earth. I am
very glad that I was a part of it.

We never know what tomorrow holds. We are promised
only today. Try and make your 'today' the best
ever.

Sharing "my Austin memories" truly helps on those
days when the fog of sadness still lingers in. If
you have an Austin story that you would like to
share I would love to read it.

God bless your week.

Love, Tina

Thursday, October 12, 2006 6:07 AM CDT

Yesterday, I took what I like to call "a mental
health day". I took the day off to catch up on
all of the things that I have let go since school
started. When the laundry meets you at the back
door it is time to stop and reprioritize. It was
nice being home and I ended up going to lunch with
my dad and my sister. FYI: the new restaurant in Fairhope, Bucks Diner,
is wonderful.
It has fresh veggies and their fried porkchops
are great!!!

Friday, my dad's best friend passed away. It once
again is a reminder of how life doesn't stop, it
keeps going, and it is always changing. I try not
to take my family for granted, even though I am quite
guilty of "oh, I'll go see them tomorrow". The older
we get the more funerals we will attend, the
more we are reminded that we are not promised
tomorrow. Many wonderful things were said about Big
Hooper at his funeral. My dad told me things that
he had never known about his dearest friend. Letters
were read at the funeral from people that this
man had silently helped out thoughout his lifetime.
He put one family through college and put the children through school. My dad did not know that his best
friend had done this things but he wasn't surprised.

A few weeks ago, I did a lesson with the high school
youth at my church about what people would remember
about you if you left this world today. It was
very thought provoking for all of us. On my son's
grave is the quote from his Uncle Johnny, "To a
child with the biggest set of wings God could
grant". As much as I miss him I am very proud of
what he achieved in his short life.

God challenges us everyday. He gives a gift, another
chance to extend a hand to someone else. Will you
take the challenge?

Love, Tina

Thursday, October 5, 2006 5:17 PM CDT

Baby Jake earned his wings today at 3:10 P.M.

Please keep his family in your prayers. This is an
incredibly tough time for them.

Love,
Tina

Thursday, October 5, 2006 @ 6:00 a.m.

* It looks as though little Jake
is taking a hard turn and I ask
that we pray for his family and
also for Jake not to have to struggle. The journey that this
incredible family is on is the
most difficult one that you
can imagine.
Please keep them in prayer today.

My dear friends,
I have tried to update Austin's webpage several
times but have signed off without typing a single
word. Sometimes there is no way to journal what
is in my heart or on my mind. I am so amazed when
I look back over the past five years and see how
much my life has changed. I would have never signed
up for the journey that I have been on but I thank
God everyday for the changes that it has made in
my life for the better. Wihout some of the storms
that have come my way I would not have the faith
that I now have. I have always believed in God and
loved Him but what I now have is much stronger. Am
I finished learning? No way, I am still a "baby
christian", always learning and always trying to do
better than I did the day before. Some days, when
the loss of Austin is weighing me down, I have to
pull from every resource that I have, but I am
grateful for those resources and for the tools
God has equipped me with in order to make it
through those moments. After three years, and four
months I am able to get through those moments by
just realizing that tomorrow will be a better day.
God is good.

I look into the beautiful eyes of my ever-changing
daughter and I know that I am truly blessed. She
has a magic about her that amazes me. She has
come through her own journey in life with tremendous
strength. I wish she did not have to go through
any of the things that have caused her pain but the
grace that she has shown is far greater than you
could ever imagine. Meagan, my sweet girl, I thank
God for your life and for the lessons I learn
through watching you.

I have written another childrens book and I love
it. Hopefully, I will find the time to devote to
getting these books published one day. I may
have to publish them myself when I get out of school
but that will be okay too. I pray that God will
show me the right avenue to use.

School is going really well but it is keeping me
really busy. By the way, I have a 97 average in
my math class, which has alway been my most
challenging subject. Thank you Mrs. Abrams for
everything that you taught me. My boyfriend/ best
friend growing up also helped Algebra to finally
"click" with me. He would spend hours showing
me how to work problems and find the solutions.
Thanks Alan!

May God bless your day.

Love, Tina

Friday, September 15, 2006 9:31 PM CDT

I pull up this site and immediately see the
bright smiling face of my angel. I miss him
as I always do, with an ache that cannot be
described, but with also a comfort of knowing
that my sweet little buddy is in a far better
place.

Our friend Amber has been in the hospital for
two weeks now and has been struggling. She has
been going through this battle with cancer for
a long time and to have to step back up to the
challenge again would have to be exhausting. A
friend of hers passed away last night on 4 Tower
where she is. She is sad and lonely right now.
She is a strong young woman and I am so proud
of her. I know that she is fighting with all she
has to get through these road blocks that have
been put in front of her. She is doing an amazing
job too. Please continue to pray for her.

Jake, the little boy in Louisana that I have
been praying for, is having a tough time of it
right now. The doctors have found several
more tumors on his little lungs and now on his
brain. He is on a vent right now giving his lungs
a break from a procedure yesterday. He and his
family need prayer now too.

One day I hope that I see the end of all childhood
cancers. What these children go through is more
than anyone should see in a lifetime. I am
beginning to see more "Curing Childhood Cancer"
car tags here in Fairhope. Yesterday, my best
friend came to pick her daughter up from horseback
and I was touched to see that she had purchased
one for her car. That money goes straight for
research. My tag is in memory of my special little
boy that I only had for a short time but it is in
honor of all of Austin's friends that continue
to thrive from the new treatments available.
Every day researchers are one step closer to
finding that cure.

Sweet dreams.
Love, Tina

Monday, September 4, 2006 5:15 PM CDT

Hey guys,
As I write this my sweet daughter is sitting
in front of the television watching tributes
to Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter. When I
told her this morning that he had died she said
that Austin was finally getting his wish; to meet
the Crocodile Hunter. She is right. Austin loved
watching his shows and loved the fact that he
was always doing something "dangerous". Austin
always laughed when everyone would get so uptight
over something he did. One Christmas Santa gave
Austin a miniture "Steve Irwin" man. It was
cool and Austin sure thought so.

I have to smile today, knowing that a bare-footed,
toe-headed six year old little boy ran straight up
to him as he entered Heaven ready for him to play.
I love you Austin, and your sissy and I are missing
you very much today.

On a lighter note, my daddy celebrated another
birthday today. We all went down to the beach
to help him celebrate this special day. Six
months ago, there were moments when we did not
think we would get to this point. I am so thankful
for the blessing of another year with my dad. My
dad has a coffee cup that he still drinks out of
that I gave him about 25 yrs. ago. It says,
"To the first man I ever loved, my daddy".

Celebrate the day that God has blessed you with.
It doesn't have to be a birthday to give us an
excuse to tell someone that we love them.

By the way, I love you all.

Love, Tina

Thursday, August 31, 2006 6:01 AM CDT

I pull up Austin's website and see those beautiful
eyes looking straight at me and I realize that I am
one of the luckest mom's in the world. That
incredibly mischeivious little boy was a part of my
life for six incredible years. I knew him inside and
out. Not everyone is afforded the opportunity to have
such an experience. Austin was a gift, just as Meagan
is, and I was able to enjoy him and learn from him.

I still see those little lips puckered up and I hear
his voice saying, "kiss me mommy". He was something
else. He made me laugh and smile. He also taught
me a great deal about patience because he was a
challenge at times. I can hear him at times telling
me to "Suck it up". He was wise beyond his years and
had to grow up fastest than he should have but he did
it with both determination and grace.

I miss my little buddy, at times with a strength
that takes my breath away, but I thank God for the
opportunity of knowing and loving James Austin Baker.

Hug your children. They grow up way too fast.

Love, Tina

Monday, August 28, 2006 6:43 PM CDT

After Austin died it was so hard to stay in the
house on Liberty Street. I saw Austin everywhere
I turned. I could see him riding his bike at mock
speed down the street, chasing cars, chasing cats,
chasing the dogs. I could see him at our neighbors
house, telling her how much he loved silver queen
corn and that it would be really nice if she would
share. :+) That house represented loss to me; the
loss of a ten year marriage, and the loss of a
very special little boy. Meagan and I talked about
selling that house and starting new. I listed the
house with a realtor and it sold within three weeks.
I did not sell it for a low price either. And, the
house was in need of many repairs that I was not
going to be able to commit to. Meagan and I found
this home that we are in now and we are very happy.
God has truly blessed us with wonderful neighbors
and this is a wonderful place to raise my daughter.

Someone came up to me last week and asked if I knew
that my old house was for sale. I said "yes, I knew".
They asked if I knew that it sold. I did not. I
was surprised though because the asking price was
absurd. Silly me. That lady made almost a three
hundred thousand dollar profit on that house.
(No, I didn't make a typo). I felt sick when I
heard that she actually got what she asked. It
bothered me and i couldn't shake it. I kept thinking
that if I had kept the house and sold it now that
I wouldn't have to worry about finances during the
rest of school; we wouldn't have to worry about a lot
of things. It bugged me. Later, I sat and
thought long and hard about that house and would
it have been worth it to have stayed there for the
past three years? I would have to say no. God has
blessed me tenfold and I know that. I can sometimes
loose my perspective on things and have to be reigned
in. I guess we all do.

My financial aid came in late because of school errors
and that all but set me free too. School had already
started and I could not take my classes until it
was settled. I kept praying about it and God answered
my prayers. He always does, in His time. I have
such a hard time remembering to fully turn all of
my control over to God. When I do, the big picture
does not seem as overwhelming. If I could teach just
one person this lesson then I will have done some
good.

Jake, the little boy in Louisiana that I have been
praying for, has more tumors on his lungs, and his
transplant is showing some tough signs of graft vs.
host disease. Please keep him in your prayers.

Life, and what we do with it, is the most important
gift that we are ever given. I know this, even
when I stumble and fall. Even when I get overwhelmed.
Even when I get frustrated. Even when God has to
tap me on the shoulder.

May God bless your week.

Love, Tina

Thursday, August 24, 2006 5:34 AM CDT

Today is August 24, 2006. I realized last night
that I went right through the 21st without thinking
about the day Austin was diagnosed. Right now,
four years ago, Austin was getting settled into PICU
at Children's in Birmingham and my entire world was rocked.
I am glad that I have healed enough to
not dwell on all of the "dates" that come around.
Grief is not predictable at all and I can attest
to that. I know that I am much stronger than I
was four years ago but the pain of losing Austin
is still right there under the surface. You never
truly heal from something this painful you just learn
to lean on God more. I am thankful for my faith
and for the fact that God still is faithful to me,
even when I am not at my best. Lately, there has
been no "best". Every challenge that has come up has
made me angry and frustrated with God. It is easy to
get mad at the ones we love because we know that
they can handle it but it still isn't right. I
have been on my knees more than I have been on my
feet lately. This too shall pass...

Meagan is doing well in school. Homework is coming
home by the bucket loads, with projects already
scheduled. She is still riding horses and loving
that more than anything. My beautiful daughter
is growing up before my eyes.

God bless your day.

Love, Tina

Saturday, August 19, 2006 8:54 AM CDT

Hi guys,
I have been praying for the sweetest little boy for the
past few months. I have never met him;he does his
treatment at St. Judes; they live in another state;
cancer introduces you to people that live all over the
world. When I pull up his website I see that same
sparkling smile that Austin always had. He has been battling
his cancer for quite a while and was doing
well until some set-backs occured. They have now
found out that he has more tumors in his lungs. I
read this update as tears spilled down my face
this morning. My heart hurts for his family
because new such as this takes your breath away
and deflates you....for only a short time. Now
they have to do as parents have to do, they have
to take those sour lemons and start making
lemonade. They have a very strong faith and an
incredible support system- just like the one that
I still have :) I hate cancer. I try to teach
Meagan not to use the word hate because it is a
very strong word. Do you think that cancer is
an exception to the rule? It steals the thunder
for all ages. Jake is a little boy with a lot of
thunder and I do not believe that his thunder is
going anywhere. Please pray for this little boy
and his family. If you would like to go and visit
his website the address is:
www.caringbridge.org/la/jakeowen.
Please continue to keep Amber in your prayers also.
She is such an inspiration!

I hope I live to see a cure for this disease.

"Dear Lord, help me to not despise what I do not understand".

Have a good weekend.

Love, Tina

Tuesday, August 15, 2006 5:47 AM CDT

I read somewhere that when you wake each morning and the first thing on your mind is not the death of a loved one then you
are making progress. I remember that first time and thinking "wow, I can't believe it". Then the feelings of guilt follow. My days seem to get better but I still get that empty feeling when I see a little boy or something new happens... like the start of a new school year.
I always wonder what he would be doing, who his teacher would be, who his friends would be, and on and on the list goes. I know
this is normal but the sting of pain is real.

My sweet daughter starts her regular horseback riding schedule today and she is thrilled. Last night during prayers,
I asked her if she had anything she wanted me to pray about. She asked to pray that school would hurry up so she could go to horseback.
Ah, to be a child again! A new horse is coming to the barn and she gets to try him/her out first. I hope it is not raining at 3:00.

Meagan likes school even though she wasn't ready to go back. Her favorite subjects are math and science. You go girl. She didn't
get that from me. Charlie, her dog, looks so sad when she starts getting ready for school. He knows that she is going somewhere
that he doesn't get to go. In the afternoon, his tail goes around like a propellar when he sees her.

I start school next week and I can't wait. I'm ready to get going and the new distraction will be nice. Life should be really
interesting this fall with a full class load and work.

Please continue to pray for our friend Amber, and if you would, drop by and leave her a note on her website. She is having
a tough time. Her web address is www.caringbridge.org/al/amber.org.

Have a wonderful day.

Love, Tina

Tuesday, August 15, 2006 5:47 AM CDT

I read somewhere that when you wake each morning and the first thing on your mind is not the death of a loved one then you are making progress. I remember that first time
and thinking "wow, I can't believe it". Then the feelings of guilt follow. My days seem to get better but I still get that empty feeling when I see a little boy or something new happens... like the start of a new school year. I always wonder what he would be doing, who his teacher would be, who his friends would be, and on and on the list goes. I know this is normal but the sting of pain is real.

My sweet daughter starts her regular horseback riding schedule today and she is thrilled. Last night during prayers, I asked her if she had anything she wanted me to pray about. She asked to pray that school would hurry up so she could go to horseback. Ah, to be a child again! A new horse is coming to the barn and she gets to try him/her out first. I hope it is not raining at 3:00.

Meagan likes school even though she wasn't ready to go back. Her favorite subjects are math and science. You go girl. She didn't get that from me. Charlie, her dog, looks so sad when she starts getting ready for school. He knows that she is going somewhere that he doesn't get to go. In the afternoon, his tail goes around like a propellar when he sees her.

I start school next week and I can't wait. I'm ready to get going and the new distraction will be nice. Life should be really interesting this fall with a full class load and work.

Please continue to pray for our friend Amber, and if you would, drop by and leave her a note on her website. She is having a tough time. Her web address is www.caringbridge.org/al/amber.org.

Have a wonderful day.

Love, Tina

Friday, August 11, 2006 5:14 AM CDT

Good morning,

Meagan's first day of 7th grade went well. She
wasn't thrilled to be back in school but is glad
to see her friends. They changed up her schedule
yesterday so she has a new science teacher. Meagan's
favorite subject is science so I pray she has a strong
teacher.

It is hard for me to see Austin's friends growing up
because I still see him as six years old. You forget
that they keep growing. It is hard to explain.

I miss my little man so much and I cannot imagine what
life would be like with him here. I wonder if he would be
playing soccer or baseball or basketball or all of these
sports. My mini van would be full of sports equipment
right beside all of the horse stuff that is in there now.

Life without Austin is hard, as you know, but
we are doing good. I cannot believe that time
has gone by as fast as it has. I thank God for my faith
because without it I am not sure I would be the same
person that I am- actually I know I wouldn't be.
I was so blessed to have had him in my life for
six years, it just wasn't long enough.

May your day be filled with hope and joy.

Love, Tina

Thursday, August 10, 2006 5:54 AM CDT

I cannot believe that Meagan is starting the 7th grade
today. She is growing up before my eyes and it amazes me.
I cannot help but think about Austin on days like this.
He would be starting 3rd grade this morning.
I am sure that big sister would be giving him lots of advice.
They were so close to each other and she tells me how
much she misses him and that he was her best friend.
I wish that this morning I was having to break up
fights over Cheerios and who was going to sit in the
front seat. The calamity would sound so good.

Meagan is a bit nervous this year. She is worried
about being late for class because she has to
go from one end of the campus to the other. Also,
she has to lug around a bunch of supplies. We
went to school and put everything in her locker
and it is busting at the seams.

This is also that ago when girls can be a bit
"trying" towards one another. I do not remember
much of that when I was her age, maybe because
our class was so small and we just treated each
other like brothers and sisters. Please keep her
in your prayers today as she starts this new year
and finds her way.

God bless your day.

Love, Tina

Saturday, July 29, 2006 10:19 PM CDT

I have tried to update Austin's website for several
weeks but failed. Sometimes I cannot write what is
in my heart. Sometimes there are no words.

Meagan is getting ready to have her last full week
of summer vacation. I cannot believe that school
is starting back on the 10th. It seems too early.
She has had a good summer and I have enjoyed us not
have to rush everyday. She is starting the seventh
grade this year, and my beautiful daughter is already
growing up too fast. She is 5' 7" tall now and so
sweet and pretty. I am very proud of her. She teaches
me so much about grace.

Nothing new in the world of publishing. I have someone
editing my book and I have been putting some finishing
touches on the ending of the book. This project
has been incredibly healing for me. I pray that I
can get this published. God's will and God's timing,
I know.

Please continue to pray for Austin's friends
and the health care workers that take care of them.

Love, Tina

Tuesday, July 11, 2006 10:05 PM CDT

In the past week I have had two friends lose
their dads. My heart breaks for all of them
because I know that they are missing the first
person that stood beside them, a long with their
moms, as they were growing up. I have not lost
a parent but I know how I felt when daddy was
so sick this past year and it was scary. When
you hear about the death of a loved one it
makes you pick up the telephone and reach
out to your own loved ones. I have known
my parents longer than anyone else, for forty
years and I can only imagine, but don't
care to, how difficult it would be to say
goodbye.

My most painful memory was when I had to stop
holding Austin, knowing that I would never
again hold him in my arms here on earth. As
I used to encourage each of you when Austin
was sick, stop and take the time to tell your
family and friends how important they are to
you.

God bless your night.

Love, Tina

Saturday, July 8, 2006 9:35 AM CDT

Good morning!

Well,I have finished my book
and it feels so good. I do not
think that the book will truly
every have an ending
because life keeps going.
I am working on a second
phase now, sort of a "how
we have kept going" part.
This accomplishment has
done me a world of good.
It is kind of like mowing
the lawn. You look back
at the path you have just
walked down and see what
you have done and the
sense of accomplishment
is very satisfying.

Meagan is doing great
and seems to be enjoying
her summer vacation.
I cannot believe they
start school in a month.
I remember having almost
three months when I
was in school. Things
sure have changed. She
is riding horses this
summer but it is so hot
that she is only riding
two days a week.

I wrote a children's book
about Meagan and her horse
and hopefully one day
I can get someone to
publish it. Someone asked
me the other day what I
would do if I couldn't
get anyone to publsih
my books. I have thought
a lot about that and I
know that one day I would
just have to publish
them myself. Both of
these books are a part of me and I truly believe that
someone somewhere could
benefit from Austin's story.

Me, I am sitting at a
crossroads in my life
right now. It is strange
how you plan on doing
something in life and
God tugs on your shirt
to move your attention
in a different direction.
I am trying to be obedient
and listen. I will let
you know what comes of all of this.

Hope you have a wonderful weekend.

Love, Tina

Monday, June 26, 2006 9:58 PM CDT

Hey friends,
I cannot believe that I haven't journaled in
quite some time. Times passes by so fast.
Before we know it, summer will have come and
gone. Meagan came home from camp talking about
when she goes next year. She had a blast. I am
so glad that she loved it. I missed her but
it did me some good to have some alone time.
I actually worked later than I normally do
while she was gone. I also have been busy
finishing my book. I cannot believe that I
am almost finished with it. Even if it never
gets published, I am proud that I brought it
as far as it has come. It has done me a world
of good to go back through those nine months
of Austin's illness. I had so many happy
memories journaled and memories that I had
forgotten about that made me laugh. My son was
such a bossy little guy. I am proud of him for
being so vocal about his care. As he was fond of
saying, "You don't make the wules of Austin Baker,
I am in charge of my own body". His "R"s were
always a challenge for him to pronounce.

I passed a church sign yesterday that said "Is
there someone waiting for you in Heaven and are
you doing everything you can to get there?" That
sign will stop traffic. If you think about it,
that sign says it all. I am glad that our God
is a forgiving and loving God.

Thank you for continuing to pray for us and
encourage us after all this time.

Sleep well.

Love, Tina

Tuesday, June 13, 2006 4:25 AM CDT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUNT TONYA (NONNIE)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANN PEARSON

I watched her get on that charter bus yesterday morning and my heart filled with joy knowing that she is going to have a wonderful time. Meagan has gone to camp for the first time. She came off of the bus four times to hug me and tell me that she loves me. I have prayed that she will not get homesick, that she will be so busy having fun that she will be surprised when Saturday gets here. (There are horses at this camp).

I am so proud of this young woman that God has blessed me with. She is a joy to raise and spend time with. She has come out on top of the adversity in her life and excelled during some tough times.

I sit and think of what she and Austin would be doing if he were still here. They loved each other so much. I am sure that there would be many sibling battles but I know that they would be having so much fun together. I know that he is her guardian angel at camp this week and that she takes him everywhere she goes in her heart. The memories that she carries will always be a blessing for her.

I hope that you have wonderful memories that you carry in your heart, that you can pull from when you miss that special person in your life.

God bless your day,
Tina

Thursday, June 8, 2006 8:45 PM CDT

I made it through the anniversary of Austin's death with the help of hundreds of prayers. I felt every one of them and I cannot thank you enough for lifting us up to the Lord.

I have to tell you about the adventures of the past few days. I ordered flowers for the church alter in memory of Austin. Sunday morning when I woke up I found that the flowers had wilted and were mostly dead. I was speechless and on the verge of tears. I grabbed my purse and headed to the grocery store (the only place with flowers on a Sunday morning at the crack of dawn). I found a beautiful white double blooming azalea. I was so thankful I found it; it was perfect. I was thankful also that the florist refunded my money on Monday.

Tuesday morning, I got out of bed and just kept heading forward with my day. I tried not to relive the morning of June 6, 2003. I knew that at 3:20 p.m. I would stop and catch my breath remembering my son's Heavenly birthday and I knew that it would hurt. Not for Austin, but for me because I miss him so much. I stayed busy at work and for the most part it helped some. That afternoon, I took a patient upstairs to their room and then headed back down stairs. I had to take the elevator because I had a wheelchair with me. I was holding the door of the back elevator for a man to get on and he kept hesitating, looking down the hall. I thought, "Oh, he is waiting on someone". I was correct. As I held the door, his partner came around the corner with a stretcher covered with a green velvet blanket. You guessed it, I was holding the door for two guys from a funeral home. They hopped on with me, bringing their stretcher with them. I had to stand in the back corner with the stretcher right up against me. I started to panic (I was thinking, "this is not happening")and then I decided to get angry at God. I had had enough! I was getting mad at God for putting me in this situation. My thoughts did change though and I had to shake my head and smile. God was right there with me and He was helping me to find some perspective in this. Life is too short.

I ended the day by taking Meagan and her friend Rachel to the Orange Street pier. My friend Lynne went with us and we walked up and down the beach. The sunset was absolutely beautiful and as I watched the enormous orange fireball sink into the horizon, I thought about my son. He was watching this incredible scene from the best possible spot. He was high above sitting on a rainbow with his friends or in the grass in the biggest backyard there is. I thank God for the peace of knowing that he is safe and loved and no longer has to fight tummy aches.

I will always miss my son, and some days I am sad, but I do not chose to stop living. This would not honor my son's memory and it would teach my daughter nothing about God's grace. Life has to go on. And I am glad that it does.

I love you,
Tina

Tuesday, June 6, 2006 5:15 AM CDT

By this time, three years ago, we knew that God was calling Austin home. We knew the night before that things were changing but, out of all of us, Meagan was the first to feel it. She had gone down stairs and gotten Austin a huge balloon and on the plastic heart that keeps the balloon grounded, she had written, "I Love You". He had asked her to crawl in bed with him and they snuggled for awhile in silence, watching a cartoon of Scooby Doo. He did not want her far from him on that day. They really were the best of friends.

It stormed all day long on the day that Austin went to Heaven. It was perfect weather to match what I was feeling in my heart. I was blessed with the surrounding support that we were given, of the time spent with family and friends, and of holding my son's hand as he took his first Heavenly breath.

I have memories that will be in my heart forever of those last few hours with the bravest little boy in the world. When he took his last earthly breath, Jesus came and walked him up to Heaven. He knows the answer now to that most sincere question that he had asked his mommy only days before; "Are there big backyards in Heaven"?

I miss you little buddy but I know that you are running around in the beautiful grass, picking wild flowers, and smiling down at your family. You are pain free. You are home.

All my love, Tina

Saturday, June 3, 2006 9:06 PM CDT

The journal entry from June 3, 2003 was the last entry I made while Austin was alive. I was still hoping for a miracle and I am glad that I kept hoping. Hope for tomorrow is what we have even when the sun doesn't shine.

I never tried to paint a picture of how difficult things could be for Austin, maybe because it wouldn't seem as real if I didn't put it in print; maybe because those were private moments; maybe because it was just too hard. As I write my book, I am amazed at the journey that Austin was on. He had so many challenging things put in his path. He gave it his all. He was such a strong little boy and by knowing him I am a much better person. He was, and always will be, my hero.

May God continue to bless your life.

Love, Tina

Friday, June 2, 2006 5:14 AM CDT

I have always put my heart into everything I do, or at least I try to. Sometimes it's hard but that is my personality. I don't shake things off easily and I probably think way too much. Lately, I have been aching with the pain of missing Austin, feeling as though I would never come up for air. It hurts that bad. I try to find perspective in this, such as, knowing that my son is with our Heavenly Father, and he is spending lots of time with his wonderful grandfather. I do not have to worry about where he may be. Some people are not as fortunate and never know what happened to their loved ones. I thank God for my blessings.

Yesterday was one of those days when nothing went right. I came home from work and felt exhausted, anxious, and drained. I know that this is because of the fact that my internal alarm clock goes off at around three a.m. Anyway, to combat this I started working in my yard. It felt good and mindless. I stayed outside until dark. When I came in my niece, Anna, called. She had been calling for hours. She met a lady from Mississippi while out walking "Bill from Bay St. Louis". The ladys dog came over to Anna and Bill to play. Anna started a conversation with this lady. She found out that she and her dog had lost everything in Hurricane Katrina. Her home went under water and she and the dog had to swim out. Her car was destroyed. She left her home and came to Fairhope to try and start her life again. She is lonely and has nothing but her dog.

Did my perspective change after hearing this story? You bet! I am lucky to have a home and a car and a wonderful daughter. I also have a tremendous support system. This woman is not as fortunate. She is having to build a support system, which I plan on helping her with. I miss Austin with every breath that I take but I know exactly where he is and that he is safe. No Hurricanes will harm him and he will always have friends with him.

My prayer today is for this woman who needs a great deal more than I do. If we can make a difference in someones life, even if it is just by listening, then we have accomplished a great deal.

May God bless your day.

Love, Tina

Tuesday, May 30, 2006 5:05 PM CDT

I really don't have anything awe-inspiring to write. It's that time of year that my heart begins to ache more, or perhaps it is just the fact that I am more aware of it than other times. It is coming up on June 6th, that anniversary date that makes my heart break. I guess I could be positive and say that next week will be the celebration of Austin going to Heaven. Right now, I feel very lonely, very sad, and very empty. I do not feel like celebrating, I feel like crawling under the covers and staying there until sometimes three weeks from now. Cowards way out, I know.

I think back to three years ago. I think of being by my son's side day and night, of watching him sleep, watching him wake up, and just sitting there enjoying being with him. I think back to how I thought I was prepared for the final days, final hours of being with my son. I had no clue. I was not prepared. I still am not prepared. There is no preparation for losing a child.

I am blessed with a strong faith, a faith that has helped me overcome many moments of pain. I am not sure how people get through days and nights of emptiness without knowing that there's a better place waiting for us. As heart broken as I am, I do believe in God's promises.

Love, Tina

Friday, May 26, 2006 6:09 AM CDT

For whatever reason, I seem to have my days and nights mixed up. I am wide awake by three a.m. and cannot go back to sleep. It is a great time to catch up on house work except that the vacuum would wake Meagan up. My washing machine is actually going to do that. It keeps getting off balance and walking down the hall. I wish Edd MacMahon would show up with a front loading one. Haven't found the old guy in my mailbox yet.

I hate not being able to sleep because when I am sleep deprived I tend to wear my emotions on my shoulders. It makes the ache of missing Austin tens times worse---if that is even possible. I am watching the calendar slowly creep up on June 6th. You never forget the date of something that forever changes your life.

Meagan told me that she really misses her best friend. It made me smile, but at the same time my heart aches for her. She and Austin were so close. He could fight with her but no one else could touch her. I could just see him out at the barn trying to chase her down on her horse. He would love the neighborhood that we live in. He would be on his bike night and day. I still have his bike. It is in the garage and if you could see it you would know how much he loved it. Very little paint is left on it and it has dents and bings all over it. It also has some remodeling from when he left it right behind my car, and I drove over it one morning. He was not happy.

Linda Watson, aka that Camp Smile a Mile Lady :), helped Austin collect all of these action figures and I have them in several large rubbermade tubs. They will get passed on to Meagan's children years from now. I would never part with them. He loved them and used to scatter them everywhere. I cherish the memories that some of his things hold but I do realize that they are just "things". The memories are in my heart and I am blessed to continue to make new ones through the impact that Austin had on the lives of others, and with a daughter that is wonderful. Life keeps going..even on days when it takes my breath away.

Go make some memories with your children today. You will never be disappointed.

Love, Tina

Check out the link to Austin's quilt. I finally found the new address!!!

Monday, May 22, 2006 4:04 PM CDT

Working on my book has really brought back a great deal of memories, both good and bad. I forgot how hard it was at times to be so far away from home and away from my daughter. I had forgotten how much time we spent in Birmingham weeks at a time. It is funny how we store some details in the back of our memory bank while the more pleasant details stay right at the surface. I remember how hard it was, I was terrified, saying goodbye to Meagan and following Austin up there, not knowing how long we would be gone. My control had been yanked up and taken from me. You know what? It was all okay. Once I started listening to God my fears went away. He provided us with many new friends to help us along the way. How blessed we were.

I have so much I can look back on and smile about. Austin made every day interesting and I was able to spend so much one on one time with him. I treasure the moments when I could crawl up into his bed and snuggle with him, the times when he would laugh so hard it hurt, and the way he took control of his life. He truly made the rules.


He taught his mom alot. I still miss him more than words can describe.

Love, Tina

Friday, May 12, 2006 2:11 PM CDT

Mothers' Day always has a way of sneaking up on me. I love this day of honoring mom's, and I am so glad to be a mom, but one of the reasons that I am a mom is not here anymore. He is in Heaven, in a much better place, and he is happy and healthy, and I will see him again one day, but now, at this moment, I am aching to hold him... just one more time.

I remember my last Mother's Day with him. We were at my sister Tonya's house, and Austin was jumping on the trampoline with Meagan and Ali. He was happy and smiling and so full of life. Tara was in the background trying to capture every ounce of that energy on video. She asked him to tell her something about me, a Mother's Day message, that she could record. He kept bouncing and said something very sweet. She wanted more, though, and asked him if he would say it again. His reply: "Nope, Aunt Tara, I did it right the first time." Bounce, bounce, bounce.

Hold fast to those moments, capturing every ounce of them with your heart.

Love, Tina

Wednesday, May 3, 2006 5:49 AM CDT

Sunday night at church we voted on whether or not to build the Family Life Center. The "yes's" won by 85.2% of the votes. I was thrilled.

Last night, Meagan said, "Mom, when they told us that the Family Life Center was going to be built, you started clapping really loud, and you smiled so big". "I haven't seen you smile like that since Austin was alive". Ouch.

She told me that she has heard me humming and singing when I am cleaning house too. She said that it makes her happy to hear me.

I told her that I had finally realized that it is okay to smile, laugh, and be silly; that Austin wants us to be happy and to enjoy life with all of our heart.

It has taken me almost three years to, once again, find contentment in my heart. The joy has finally returned. I still have moments, many of them, when I miss Austin so much that I cannot imagine the pain subsiding, but it does. A gentle breeze coming across the yard, my blooming flowers, or a sunset all remind me of Austin. They also remind me to keep going, that life is not over, that it has really just begun.

Have a good day.

Love, Tina

Wednesday, April 26, 2006 9:52 PM CDT

Each new day is like an ocean wave returning to the shore- you have no idea what it will bring, just as you have no idea what surprises the surf will lay at your feet.

On calm days, ordinary shells are left at the water's edge, but after stormy weather, all kinds of treasures are churned up from the deep- rare finds for those with the patience to uncover them.

The phases of life itself are as unpredictable as the moods of the ocean- sometimes smooth, sometimes turbulent. But beyond this mystery lies one certainty...

While you can never know what gifts life will bring, you can trust every sunrise offers possibilities. Every day holds beautiful moments and new dreams waiting for you to come and find them.
author-Renee' Duvall

God bless your night.
Love, Tina

Monday, April 24, 2006 5:17 AM CDT

I should not be surprized that I still come back to Austin's website for comfort. So many people all over the world reached out to my precious little boy. The prayers and out- pouring of love was, and still is, amazing.

This website got me through some tough days. When Austin was so very sick I could reach out and ask for prayers and guidance. God sent people from all over the world to encourage each of us. It also helped to renew friendships all around me. I thank you for your love.

Every now and then I can still feel the pain of the diagnosis that we recieved in April 2003. One thing that I never did was give up hope and I still thank God for my faith. I have grown so much over the course of the past three years and I am so glad for the time I had with my son. I treasure it and will always "lean into" those memories for comfort.

Make those memories with your family and keep those special tradtions alive. You will never regret the time that you put into a relationship.

With much encouragement from family and friends, I have been putting the finishing touches on a book that tells Austin's story of hope and courage (through my journal). I have a May 5 deadline and would love some prayers. It is extrememly difficult to get anything published when you are considered a first time author. I am excited and thrilled to have this opportunity. I have no idea how this will turn out but I do know that I am doing what I feel God is leading me to do.

I will keep you posted.

Love, Tina

Saturday, April 15, 2006 8:11 AM CDT

This morning I counted twenty-seven (27) bouncy balls on the floor of my shower. There is a two inch brown plastic horse sitting on my vanity. Instead of being frustrated I remind myself of just how blessed I truly am. In a few years, this will all be replaced with make-up and hair gels and anything else teenagers spend hours in the bathroom applying.

Her youth is just another stepping stone, a short period in her life, part of becoming the young woman that she will and is becoming. I am sure that if Austin were with us there would be army men all over my bathroom and Meagan's horses would probably be missing in action. There would be screaming, "Mom, get him out of here", followed by his response, "I didn't do anything". I would give anything to here those fights and his laughter after he did something sneaky to his sister.

Easter is tomorrow and I cannot help but have a gentle tug at my heart. In the midst of the celebration, I will look around knowing that someone is missing. My blessing is knowing where my son will be tomorrow. He will be with our Father's Son. Wow.

Happy Easter and God bless.

Love, Tina

Wednesday, April 12, 2006 9:37 PM CDT

They say that life begins at forty. We shall see. I have been excited about turning forty. Actually, I just love birthdays. When I woke up last Saturday morning I had forgotten that it was my birthday until I reached in the cabinet and grabbed the coffee cup that the kids had given me four years ago for my birthday. The pink flamingoes in the front yard were also a great reminder!!!

I believe that my life began the day that God blew breath into my newborn babies. I was in awe of the gift of life that was in front of me. Both of my children were very alert at birth, looking up at me with a look that I cannot even begin to put into words. Since that day, I have been extremely blessed to have spent the time I have with them. My thirties had a great deal of heartache mixed into them but they were also great years that I had with Austin and Meagan. If I could change just one thing it would have been for more time with Austin. It went by much too fast.

______________________
Meagan, with the help of her aunts, threw me a surprise birthday party. She did a wonderful job and I was both surprised and touched. She is a gift that I truly treasure. I look at her and see how much she is changing and growing and it amazes me. She is my heart. She is growing into a beautiful young woman.

I still think back to the party that Austin gave me for my thirty-seventh birthday. He did such a good job. He bossed all of the nurses arround and organized the party that he wanted me to have, complete with Scoopy-Doo rings on top of cupcakes. Memories are a treasure that we can hold onto long after the event. Thank God!

Hug your children.

Love, Tina

Monday, April 10, 2006 10:27 PM CDT

Flash backs, have you ever had them? Mine came this afternoon when Meagan and I were headed to Target and passed by the Courthouse. In the field next to it was Life-Flight helicopter along with a fire truck. They were awaiting the arrival of someone that obviously needed more attention and care than they could receive locally. It made me think of Austin and the many times that he was "septic" and sent by plane to Children's in Birmingham. Jimmy would stay with Austin while they prepared him for travel and I would haul it to Birmingham to try and be there before Austin could realize that we weren't with him. Those were exhausting times, scary times that still make me thank God that I was able to be there to meet his needs and calm his fears.

He had to grow up so fast and he seemed to mature over night. He developed a sense of humor that got all of us through the tough times. I can still hear that little voice laughing at something, screaming at one of the nurses ("you do not make the rules of my body"), or telling me how to play a video game. (I never did get Spiderman out of the subway). He was one of a kind and I pray I will never get his little voice out of my head.

Hug your kids, tell them how much you love them, and always, always, hold them tight. They are a gift from God that we should never take for granted.

Sweet dreams,
Tina

Thursday, April 6, 2006 5:52 AM CDT

Good morning,

I have decided that I need to take a "Computers for dummies" class. I was up until midnight last night trying to uninstall a program on this computer so that I could reinstall it and all I accomplished was to lose a lot of sleep. This computer almost learned how to fly out the window at one point.

Isn't it odd how we give God all of the big "stuff" to handle but keep the little things to do for ourselves. One day I will learn. The frustration from my task last night is not as bad this morning because I finally walked away from the problem, said a prayer, and went to bed. This afternoon I will start over with a fresh approach. Those little things tie my tummy up in knots and make me crazy,like this computer. Those big things I spend a great deal of prayer on. I am learning not to "sweat the small stuff" but to turn it over to God. I have the terrible habit of trying to "fix things" myself. It never works. I am trying to teach my daughter a different approach.

On Saturday, I turn the big "4-0". I have learned a great deal in my life but I know that I have much more to learn. They say that life begins at forty, we will see. This is not where I thought I would be at this point in my life but I I know I am where I am supposed to me. The past few years have been so hard and the next few may be too, but I have gained strength that I never knew I had. I am going to be okay.

God bless your day.

Love, Tina

Thursday, March 30, 2006 5:20 AM CST

There is a county song on the radio that goes something like this....Life ain't always beautiful, it gets tough sometimes, things will make us stronger...

The summer before Austin was diagnosed was a very tough time for me. I was a single mom, juggling a new job, child care issues (Austin fired six babysitters that summer), and the pain of being on my own. I felt so helpless and not very strong. I was crumbling inside. And I was so tired.

I did not feel God in my life or anywhere near me. I was angry at Him and overwhelmed with what I thought "He had done to me". I was struggling and felt very sorry for myself.

When Austin was diagnosed, things began to change. I did not realize it at the time but "I was up to bat and the bases were loaded." When Austin and I went to Birmingham and Meagan had to stay in Fairhope, I was panicked. My control was being taken away from me. I had never been split from my children and I thought it was a mother's worst nightmare.

God blessed me by sending many, many angels to help with Meagan while we were in Birmingham those first few weeks. She was able to stay in her routine until Jimmy could come home and take care of her. She was fine.

I learned, for the first time in my life, to give God my life and let Him take control of it. When I did that, I began to realize that I was a great deal stronger than I thought.

The pain that came every time someones child died, and the guilt that followed because yours did not, was tough. Journaling my feelings and my fears, the good news and the bad, was a blessing to me. God provided me with a way to let those feelings out and He taught me how to trust again. I let God do all of the worrying and it allowed me to focus on my son. What a blessing. I was fortunate enough to have quality time with Austin during those nine months and I learned so much from that little guy.

Today, the pain of losing my son is still very raw, sometimes taking my breath away, but I can get through it and I do. God is much bigger than I am.

Have a great day.

Love Tina

Wednesday, March 29, 2006 5:07 AM CST

Yesterday morning I woke up at 2:43 a.m. and could not go back to sleep. I tossed and turned and finally decided to get up. I actually got a lot accomplished. I received a telephone call shortly after arriving at work. A friend called to tell me that a close mutual friend had passed away. She had been fighting lymphoma for a long time and gave it an incredible fight up until the very end. I know that Austin was waiting on her when she arrived.

My friends name was Joyce. When Meagan was sixteen months old we built a house in a subdivision in Rock Creek. We moved from Daphne to Fairhope and did not know anyone in the this neighborhood. Joyce lived a street over but was the first one to welcome me to the neighborhood. One day, she came and rang the doorbell and when I opened the front door my psychotic Pekingnese, Alex, attached himself to her pants leg and hung there. I was mortified. She had come to invite me to coffee at her house the following day. I told her I would love to come.

I was so nervous that next morning but I went anyway. I then met our neighbors Kim, Dee, and Denise. Joyce pulled up her pants leg to show them how sweet my dog was. She had teeth marks encircling a huge bruise on her leg. She thought it was funny. I could have slid under the table.

We started having coffee at one anothers houses after that, every Tuesday morning. Several months later, my neighbor Malise joined our group. We started doing a lot of things together. We would load up and go to West Mobile to this cheap flower nursery and Joyce would go only if we would stop by Dairy Queen on the way home. Of course, we did.

During a hurricane, Joyce and Kim and I decided to go to Walmart to get some last minute supplies. We split up and met at the checkout when Walmart announced "last call". When I came up front, I was literally dripping with milk. Head to toe. I didn't want to run out of milk so I grabbed two gallons and put them under my arms. If you ever do this, please remember not to reach for something else. The two gallons of milk will get mashed between your arms and the milk will come shooting out like a cannon. The milk came raining down on my head. Joyce and Kim thought is what great. (If memory serves me right, we went to the store so Joyce could by a slow cooker, something no one can do without during a hurricane. That is, until the electricity goes out).

Our group became known as "the village" and we had cookouts together and all of the husband played golf together. We had a lot of good times. The morning that I went into labor with Austin, Joyce was the first to notice that I was having contractions. We were having coffee and she starting timing everytime I stood up and walked around. She looked at Dee and Kim said "I am timing Tina's contractions at about three minutes apart." Dee said, "I think you're right." I didn't realize that the uncomfortable feelings in my belly were contractions. (Austin arrived later that night).

Joyce had an incredible smile and was the most laid back person that I have ever know. Not much rattled her cage. Her laugh was contagious. She and Glenn had the most bonded marriage that you can have. They were soulmates. Joyce has three wonderful children and one grandchild. They are going to need our prayers. Joyce was an incredible woman.

Cancer still continues to take the breath out of families on a daily basis. Not everyone survives the battle and it hurts. One day there is going to be a cure.

Joyce passed away between 2:30 and 3:00 a.m.

God bless your day.

Love Tina

Tuesday, March 28, 2006 5:13 AM CST

Sixteen years ago today my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had 38 out of 40 positive lymph nodes. The doctor was not very encouraging that she would win this battle. She told him that she had three daughters to raise and that she wasn't going anywhere. She has been true to her word. It was a very tough time for her, she had just started a new job in West Mobile, 1 1/2 hours from home, she and dad where in the middle of a divorce, and she had no sick days at her new job.

We watched her receive her chemo and then drive to work. She would only not go on the Tuesdays that she had to be sedated for the treatments. After chemo was completed, she started the long process with radiation.

I remember the day that we found out about the cancer. Mom didn't want to worry us so she didn't tell us about the biopsy. Of course, we found out anyway. Her lifelong friend, Carol Middleton, took her for the biopsy. (Carol was like a big sister to us girls and she usually caught the brunt of our fears durng that time). I was so scared and didn't know what to do. My grandmother came over to bring mom some fresh veggies and she asked mom what she was doing in her PJ's. Mom told her the news. My grandmother, not knowing how to respond, said "Do you want these peas or not"? I about fell out. I went down the street to the Graham's and cried to Mary Helen. (Somehow I always ended up on her doorstep in the middle of a crisis). Next, I drove out to the greenhouse, grandmother had a nursery, and for the first time in my adult life, I spoke to her as an adult to a child. I told her to basically "suck it up". She did. She was very supportive to mom. I believe that back when she was growing up the women had to ignore whatever was happening in their own lives and concentrate on raising their families. My grandmother was an incredibly strong women. Like mother like daughter.

I thank each one of you for the support that you gave to mom back then. You are truly amazing women.

My son had that same strength and determination that my mom had and still has. He gave 100%. I am so proud of him.

If you happen to see my mom today, tell her congratulations on sixteen years of success.

Mom, I love you and I am so very proud of you. Have a great day.

Love, Tina

Wednesday, March 22, 2006 5:41 AM CST

The other day, I was headed to work when the tears started rolling down my face. I started feeling that empty spot that is in my heart. Also, Meagan has been at the beach on spring break and I miss her.

Anyway, as the tears flowed, I began to change my thinking. I cried harder as I thanked God for taking care of my little boy, for having him in Heaven where he is safe, where he cannot hurt anymore. As much as I miss him, and it is unmeasurable, I know that he is safe in the arms of our Heavenly Father. Soon my tears dried and I felt better.

My son is safe and I know where he is. That is a blessing that I am very thankful for, even on days when the missing him part cuts like a knife.

May God bless your day and may you also feel His loving grace.

Love, Tina

Thursday, March 16, 2006 5:36 AM CST

He Touched My Heart....

Yesterday,we were busy at work, one of those days when you don't sit down. Or barely get lunch. Anyway, one family had a five year old little boy with them. I saw him several times throughout the day, talking with his granddad and worrying a little about him. You could tell that he was nervous for his grandad.

He had a buzz cut, blond headed, not as big as Austin was, but had that shyness about him that Austin used to get "precancer". (Austin still had some after diagnosis, but for the most part became pretty outgoing). This little boy reminded me so much of Austin that it was hard not to gravitate to him. He loved his "Paw Paw" and was asking me all kinds of questions about the heart cath he was going to have.

When I was leaving work, I again saw this little boy, waiting patiently, to see his Paw Paw after his procedure. I stopped and talked with him again. Some of his mannerism were similar to Austin's. I loved talking with him, he was cute and silly, and growing very impatient having to wait. He and Paw Paw were "thick as thieves".

I told him goodbye and his Nana said, "why don't you give Miss Tina a hug bye"? Without any hesitation, he came over to me with his tiny arms wide open. I bent down and he wrapped his arms around me and gave me the biggest hug. Not a quick, okay lady, get going hug, but a genuine hug that lasted. Right now, I can still feel those little arms wrapped around me.

God blessed me yesterday, by putting a little boy in my path. As much as I missed Austin when I walked out the back door of the hospital, I felt a little bit of Heaven having met that little boy.

Have a good day.

Love, Tina

Monday, March 13, 2006 8:10 PM CST

My heart breaks at the pain and complications that cancer brings into someone's life. It can sneak up on you with little or no warning. It makes be very, very sad.

Our friend Amber is still struggling with the relapse of her cancer and it breaks my heart to not be able to do anything. I say that I'm not but I know that the power of prayer is incredibly strong.

Please keep Amber close to your heart, as well as her sister and her parents as they walk their daughter through this very tough time. I pray that God will heal this special young woman.

I also have three friends that are at MD Anderson right now battling cancer. Joyce, Linda, and Nancy need prayers also for their strength and healing. Nancy and Linda are commuting every week and Joyce is "in house" at MD Anderson right now. These wonderful women need our prayers.

On a lighter note, my dad went home for the first time in 5 1/2 months this past week. It has been a difficult journey for him but he is one tough cookie. I miss not seeing him everyday but he is in his own house and he needs his own life back. Barbara- step mom- has lived out of a suitcase this entire time. It has been tough on everyone. We pray that the infection never shows itself again.

Welcome Home Daddy!!!!!

Love, Tina

Thursday, March 2, 2006 5:36 AM CST

Today is Meagan's special day. She turns 12 today. My sweet girl is almost a teenager and it has happened in no time at all. Time slips through our fingers so fast. I treasure every minute I have with her.

She is excited because she has horseback today and is riding on her birthday. Nothing could be better. I am going to take cupcakes for all of her friends so they can help her celebrate.

She was born at 1:25 a.m. during one of the worst thunderstorms I can remember. Looking back I remember how nervous I was about having a baby but how heart broken I was able leaving my "baby" Alex, the Pekingnese. Jack and JoJo took him to the hospital so that Aunt Tara could take care of him. I worried about that dog and how he would adjust to the new baby we were about to have. Little did I know that the love that filled my heart when I held Meagan for the first time far surpassed anything I could ever imagine, must less, the love for my dog.

Alex adjusted real quick to Meagan and they were buddies until he died two years ago. If you ask any of my friends about him they would not speak fondly. He turned into one grumpy old man. :)

Happy Birthday Meagan!!!

I love you and I am so glad that you are in my life.

Have a great day.

Love, Tina

Friday, February 24, 2006 10:12 PM CST

Happy Birthday Austin.

I miss you my sweet little boy.

Love, Mom

Wednesday, February 22, 2006 7:17 PM CST

The pain never seems to dull and I never really expect it to. Time has zipped by and the numbness is still sprinkled with the pain and realization that on Friday my sweet little boy will be celebrating another birthday in Heaven. I know that it will be the best of the best but I still have that empty space in my heart that is reminding me that he is no longer here. Austin would be turning nine.

I am sad but I know that I can pray my way through the days until I feel better. God continues to amaze me with the fact that He can get me through the valley that I seem to fall into from time to time.

I gave my testimony at the womens retreat at our church several weeks ago. My point was that if we give God all of our pain and suffering we will make it through any circumstance that comes to us. It does not mean that we will never again suffer or feel pain, it means that if we do, God will show us the way. I believe this, even though I have tears streaming down my face as I remember every detail of life with Austin. Six years was a short time but they were six wonderful years.

Hug you children, tell them that you love them, let them know how much you care. It will make a difference.

Love, Tina

Friday, February 10, 2006 5:44 AM CST

I believe in prayer more and more every day. I believe that it can move mountains. God hears all of our prayers and answers them. Sometimes His timing is not what we think it should be but it is always on time.

I have seen many friends, young and old, fight the battle with cancer and when I pray for them I try very hard to pray for God's will and not mine. I know this is easier said than done but God knows the path to peacefulness and strength. I have finally learned that I can only survive my day if I pray my way through it and ask God to help me with everything in front of me. This does not mean that I do not hurt or that the pain is any less, but it does dull the ache and ease the pain.

Relay for life is coming up soon. What a great way to raise money for this deadly disease called cancer. If you have never been I urge you to go. It is a night filled with fun and entertainment, and also a few tears. To see little children and adults that have survived cancer walking around the track is humbling. It is also a way to honor those that have gone to heaven.

God bless your day.

Love, Tina

Tuesday, January 31, 2006 5:46 AM CST

I am not very fond of mornings like these. I have had tears flowing down my face since 4:45. I guess my heart is just really tender right now. I found videos of Austin this weekend and sat and watched them and it felt like he was still here. In fact he is, right inside my heart. One video was of him playing basketball on the Stem Cell Unit. He and nurse Stacy were playing against Melissa. He was cheating every way possible and smiling so big. He was all puffy from the steroids, not a hair on his he, and still more beautiful than I had every seen him. His smile, captured on tape, is radiate, and very contagious. He grew up so much in the nine months that we were at Children's and every one there became our family. (As Austin would say, even Bernidette!)

I miss all of you and oneday I am going to come and visit. I still don't have the courage yet, but one day I will.

I am speaking at the women's conference at my church this weekend. The title of my talk is "Are there big backyards in Heaven? I will let you know how it goes.

My love to you all,
Tina

Tuesday, January 17, 2006 10:03 PM CST

I have had a difficult time coming to Austin's website lately. I have alot to say and alot that just will not come out. I miss him so much and nothing seems to help the flood of memories that come swirling by. Just one more hug, just one more kiss, just one more stand-off over something silly. Just once more....

Dad has been away from home and in the hospital or rehab for 107 days. We busted him out (as Austin would say) and took him to my sisters where we can take care of him. He has not been back to his house since being admitted to the hospital on Sept. 25. It has been a very long and difficult journey for dad and tomorrow he will have one more surgery. Hopefully the last. This one is too help relieve pain and pressure on a nerve going from his back down into his right hip. The pain has been unbearable for him and he has not been able to walk in a very long time. Tomorrow will change all of that and we are going to get he and Barbara back home! Life is so odd at times, sneeks up on you when you least expect it.

God has given me many good tools over these last few years. I am grateful for the strength and courage that He continues to give me. And also for my beautiful daughter who continues to amaze me. She is such a joy to have, even during these "tween" years.

Please continue to pray for Austins friends. They will always be a part of our lives.

Love, Tina

Sunday, December 25, 2005 10:08 PM CST

Merry Christmas.

I cannot believe that so much time has passed since I last journaled on here. I tried one morning before work but couldn't get it to accept the entry. I had to give up on it and rush to work.

Dad is doing better but his recovery is slow. We spent Christmas Eve with he and Barbara at Mercy Medical. We had a good time together. By the time we left I know he was ready for the peace and quiet.

Christmas with Meagan has been wonderful. She had a "horse themed" Christmas. Everything she wanted was for horses. She was surprised to learn that we are leasing her favorite horse for her. His name is Orient. He is big and beautiful. She loves riding him. I love the look on her face when I see her around the horses. She has a natural gift with animals.

Thank you for continuing to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I have been thinking about my friends thoughout this month. You were my support system during a very tough roller coaster ride.

May God bless each of you with the wonderful peace that knowing you has given me.

Love, Tina

Friday, November 11, 2005 9:09 PM CST

I cannot believe that it has really been two months since I have journaled. Time rushes by so fast that it is easy to lose track.

My daddy has been in the hospital and after thirty-seven days he was transferred to a rehabilitation facility in Daphne, a town right down the road from Fairhope. (My sisters both live in Daphne.) He had a heart cath. to open up blood flow to his leg and one week after the procedure he was admitted to the hospital with high fever and a terrible infection. The infection is called MRSA and it can be highly contagious. (He had this infection back during the summer in his leg.) He also had a very large pseudoaneurysm off of his femoral artery. He ended up having surgery to repair that and spentseveral days in SICU.

Daddy is slowly gaining strength. It is hard to see your parents hurting. He is so ready to go home. (I remember being in B'ham with Austin and both of us wanting to go home so I kind of understand what he is feeling.)

Meagan is still riding horses and loving it as much as always. She is tall and beautiful and so full of life that it amazes me. She is going to be confirmed this Sunday in our church. I am so proud of her. She is growing up before my very eyes.

I love you my friends, and I ask you to keep daddy, Amber, Taylor, and all of our other friends in your prayers.

Not a day goes by that I do not thank God for the friendships I have made over these past few years and the strength that I continue to get through you.

All my love and blessings,
Tina

Friday, September 16, 2005 5:33 AM CDT

I remember going to the grocery store several weeks after Austin had died. I went to Food World and as I pushed my cart down each and every isle I became more and more overwhelmed. I had no idea what to shop for. My mind was blank and I felt shell-shocked. I called Leslie and she help me "shop". Through tears, I began getting all of the necessities. The store overwhelmed me and the task at hand seemed huge. I had not had to shop for groceries in nine months and I had to restock the house. Thank goodness for my friends patient guidance during this time.

This morning as I was getting ready for work I remembered this time in my life, and then I began thinking of all of the families of Katrina. They must feel more overwhelmed than words can express. I pray that they have many "Leslie's" in their lives to help with this little things. The simplist of task can sometimes be the toughest to manage. Please remember these families in your prayers.

Love, Tina

Tuesday, September 6, 2005 5:20 AM CDT

Meagan and I are doing fine. We were blessed that Katrina did not come this way. We had very high winds and no electricity for several days but nothing to complain about. My heart goes out to all of the families that have lost everything they own. The shock that I have seen in the eyes of these fellow Americans tears at my heart. This disaster will make you stop and reasess what is truly important to you.

Meagan is loving school and continues to ride horses every chance she can. She told me that we she rides she feels "free". I compare it to sitting on the front of a boat going at high speed with the wind blowing on my face. It feels so good and it takes all your worries away. Sort of like walking on the beach.

Take care and have a good week. The school system is opening back up today. Many families from Mississippi and Louisana have registered their children for school here.

Love, Tina

Monday, August 22, 2005 5:19 AM CDT

Wow, the poem that Linda put in the guestbook is so truthful. I do believe that Austin helped her find that poem. Thanks Linda.

Austin was diagnosed three years ago yesterday. Last year, the day went by without alot of thought but this year I felt every minute of it. I revisited every detail of that day. I realize that this is part of my healing process and that I will not do this forever.

The pain that has started coming from my heart is difficult but it is time. For three years I have been too busy to feel any of it, except in small amounts. I will never fully get over the loss of my child but I will be able to remember without pain... or so they say.

Meagan is doing great. She loves middle school and seems to enjoy changing classes. She amazes me. She has started conformation classes at church and loves youth group. I look at that child and am amazed at how quickly time goes by. I am enjoying watching her grow up and I would not miss a minute of it.

Ms. Tasha is pregnant and due in February. I am so excited for her. She is one of our dear friends from Children's Hospital. When I come to Birmingham I am going to have so many little people to meet. Ms. Jennifer and Ms. Rhonda have babies at home now.

God bless your week.

Tina

Saturday, August 13, 2005 7:04 AM CDT

This morning at exactly 7 am Meagan and her friend Rachel were "kidnapped" by the youth group for a day of fun at a waterpark. The girls were really surprised when the front door opened and some of their friends came bouncing in to take them away. They were still in there p.j.'s. This is how the sixth graders are welcomed into the youth group.

The girls were so surprised. I am so proud of Meagan and her friends. They are such a good group of young people and I am glad that they are going to spend the day together. This is just the beginning. Confirmation classes will start soon. Could time go by any faster.

I am not sad as I usually am when something new happens "without" Austin. This morning I am just a very proud mom.

Love, Tina

Tuesday, August 9, 2005 5:43 AM CDT

This morning I have a middle schooler in my house. My sweet little girl is starting the sixth grade. Wow, how time flies. I remember how nervous I was when she started kindergarten. Now she is starting at a new school and I am both excited and nervous. As I prepare for her first day I feel that tug in the middle of my heart. That feeling that something is missing. Someone is missing. My little man should also be getting ready for school this morning. I should be breaking up fights. I tuck this pain back in that place that it stays so that I can focus on Meagan and the excitement of her first day. She is my priority. Those feelings of what should have been just have to go away. I am learning that you have to acknowledge the pain and then keep going.

I am keeping on keeping on.

Love, Tina

Monday, August 8, 2005 5:26 AM CDT

"Enthusiasm is a kind of faith that has been set on fire."
George Matthew Adams

I try hard to be enthusiastic and hopeful on a daily basis. I also try to set a good example for Meagan. I want her to be well-rounded and I want her to always be able to stand on her own two feet. Life is difficult at times. None of us would sign up for the yucky stuff.

Lately, I have felt as though I were riding up a steep hill on a bicycle. Peddling as hard as I can but not making much progress. I know that life sends us through these trials and it is up to us to get through it. What waits at the top of that hill is up to us. Last night, as I said my prayers, I prayed for God's help with the pain I feel from missing my son. For me, I want that pain to ease, but I am scared that if it does ease I might forget my son. I know this does not make any sense but it is real. I am blessed to have a beautiful daughter, so full of zest for life, that I am always moving forward. This is what Austin would want and this is how we get through life. One day at a time.

I pray that your week will not have too many hills in it. Keep peddling, something wonderful is waiting at the top of that hill.

Love, Tina

Thursday, July 21, 2005 8:44 PM CDT

I was blind-sided when I took my messages off of my telephone this afternoon. Todd Stevens, one of our friends from Birmingham, lost his battle with cancer on Tuesday night. This pain that came rushing in and the anger and tears that followed were almost unbearable. Another persons life was taken by this deadly disease. I pray for the day when we finally hear that there has been a cure.

I met Gail, Todd's mom, not long after Austin was life-flighted to Birmingham for the first time. Gail came to see me and offer encouragement and advice. Her son was in remission from ALL and doing well. Her church family enveloped me with love and support throughout our hospital experience. That was in 2003. Now, two years later her son has gone to Heaven.

I do not envy any parent who has to join this club of grief. It is terrible, worse than words can describe. Tonight, through tears and pain, I offer prayers for the Stevens family. One day there will be a cure. One day there will be no more pain created from this terrible disease.

God bless.

Love, Tina

Wednesday, July 13, 2005 5:33 AM CDT

I have come to this website numerous times to journal but my mind would go blank. Today I have a zillion things that come rushing through my mind. I hope that some of this may help someone else.

I am angry. I am so very angry that I do not know how to put it into words. Last night I was trying to hook up the VCR and it fell off the top of the television and hit the floor. Earlier, I was trying to put our trampoline back together and nothing would go right. I was irritated. Little things add up fast. Mine have been piling up since I had knee surgery. I have never been one to know exactly what to do with anger. I go from 0 to 10 in about half a second. I am learning to work on this and that it is okay to be angry. Growing up, I never learned how to do this or that it was even okay to show your feelings. I have always been very verbal with my feelings... I am scared, frightened, homesick, lonesome, happy, blessed... you get the point. Anyway, I have had a hard time sorting through these feelings of anger/ frustration. I know that the hurricane has brought on some of this free-floating anxiety and anger. Things seem to have a way of coming to the surface.

I miss my son. No surprise there. I ache to hold him again, to here his little voice tell someoone to "suck it up" or to say "snuggle momma." For the past two years my life has gone by at a very fast pace and now things have slowed down enough for me to feel. It is time but it is still painful.

I spend a great deal of time talking to God. Even though I am angry inside I know that God will take this pain and anger and hold me in His loving arms. He is the one that can help get me though every emotion that He himself created. And, I have the promise of seeing my son again one day.

My thoughts turn to Natalee and her family. I cannot even imagine the pain and turmoil that they must feel. I have closure and they have many holes still open. I think of the mother many times a day and pray that she can feel God holding her and helping her as she holds steadfast to her faith of finding her daughter. I also stop and thank God that I know exactly where my son is. I find peace in this and I thank God for this blessing.

This is when my anger fades and my strength increases. God is a loving God and he never leaves our sight.

May God bless your day.

Love, Tina

Monday, June 13, 2005 10:02 AM CDT

I watched the clock all afternoon last Monday. Every few minutes I would look at the clock in the hall and remember what I was doing at that time two years ago. The weather outside was exactly the same. It was raining sheets of water that were hard to see through. I walked to the end of the hall at work and looked out the window thinking "I just didn't get it." It has been two years and I still have days where I don't get it. I miss Austin's laughter and his eyes that constantly danced with mischief. He was so much like me with his stubborn streak and his ability to cut to the chase. He was a blend of both of his parents and his sister and he was very unique.

I miss him but I still thank God for the six years that I was able to spend with him.

I continue to ask for prayers for the young woman, Natalee, from Birmingham, and for her family and friends. I am constantly praying for their strength and courage as they spend these long days in Aruba looking and hoping for her safe return.

Stop and hug your kids today. Tell them that you love them, even if they did just do something wrong. You will never regret it.

Love, Tina

Monday, June 6, 2005 10:48 PM CDT

In Memory Of One Sweet Light

Since all belongs to God
and He reminds us we're His own,
our children are not ours to keep--
they're only here on loan.

They are a brilliant spark
from God's eternal light above--
sent here to families God is sure
will shower them with love.

They come to give the world the gifts
that only they can bring...
sweet innocence, accepting faith
and hope in everything.

Yet now and then our hearts are torn
when such a special child
is only here to shine that light on earth
a little while.

Remembering their lives brings joy,
although our hearts still grieve,
there's so much love and comfort
in the memories they leave.

God's holding that sweet child right now
just as He's holding you.
He knows the awful pain you bear--
He lost His dear child, too.

In loving memory of this precious child, the sweet light of love who now shines in heaven with God.

I will miss you forever and ever...
Mom

(taken from a card that my sister gave me)

Saturday, June 4, 2005 5:54 AM CDT

My heart has been breaking for the family and friends of the young lady who is missing in Aruba. I have prayed for this child and have kept her close to my heart since finding out that she is missing. My prayer is for her safe return.

I miss Austin and the pain has been much too deep as this anniversary gets closer but I am thankful for the fact that I spent so much quality time with him and also that God allowed me to be with him in his final moments here on earth. Today as I think of this missing child, I thank God for the blessings that I have in my life, even if some of them have been very painful. God will not give us more than we can handle but we do have to lean on him for constant guidance and support.

Please pray for this beautiful young woman, and for her family and friends. They need our strength and positive thoughts.

God bless your day,
Tina

Thursday, June 2, 2005 8:19 PM CDT

School is out for both Meagan and me and now maybe things will slow down some. We got back from Disney World yesterday. We had so much fun. Meagan was so much fun to watch as we went on different rides and tried new things. She amazes me with her zest for life and the enthusiasm that she shows for both new and old things. I learn more from watching her than I do anything else.

During this Disney trip I tried to focus on nothing but Meagan and so every time a memory of our last trip down surfaced I would acknowledge it and then tuck it away in my memory bank. I cannot let my daughter take a backseat to the pain that continues to return with the loss of my little boy. I miss him so much and with a great deal of help I am learning that this is okay and that it is okay to keep on going. Grief is like an eagle swooping down unexpectedly, catching you off guard. It takes a few moments to get back on your feet.

We are drawing very near to the day that we said goodbye to Austin. I am scheduled to work on that day. This will probably be good for me. Meagan has gone to spend some time with her cousins in Birmingham for several days.

Vacation Bible school starts next week and I am touch to tell you that the mission for this year is the "Austin Baker Camp Scholarship Fund." This fund allows children to attend summer camp or family camp that would not otherwise be able to afford to go. Austin loved family camp and could not wait to go. I am glad to know that others can go and find out just how wonderful it is. Nine children are going this year due to this scholarship. Isn't that awesome!

Sweet dreams,
Tina

Saturday, May 14, 2005 8:59 PM CDT

It's been awhile since I have updated. Between work, Meagan, and finals things have been hectic. I will be glad when Meagan starts summer break. She is so ready. We are going to Disney World right when school ends with our neighbors, The Jones'. Ann Jones is my partner for the marathon.

Training for the marathon has been both rewarding and tough. When I feel as though I am going to crumble I put on my shoes and hit the road. It has helped. Halfway through my run, though, I invision Fred Sanford holding his chest and saying "Elizabeth, here I come." I am very much out of shape.

Two days before Mother's Day I woke up in a very bad mood. I couldn't figure out why but slowly I realized the full impact of what this holiday was all about and that someone was missing. This part has not gotten easier over time. I miss Austin with every ounce of my being and nothing but time can soothe this aching heart. I can say that Meagan never stops amazing me. She made this Mother's Day the most memorable to date. This young girl has the heart of an angel and shows it so often. So many times, I stop and thank God for the burst of energy that He created for my life.

Meagan is still loving horseback riding and cannot wait to go for summer camps at Ms. Adrienne's. She is ridng and jumping on a horse named Orient. He is a beautiful horse and Meagan loves him. If I could ever figure out how to put a picture on this website than I could post her jumping pics. I will keep working on this.

I cannot believe that the two year mark is approaching. I close my eyes and can replay every last second. I thank God for the opportunity to be by his side. It was an honor that not every one gets but it is still so very tough.

May God bless you, my friends.

Love, Tina

Tuesday, April 19, 2005 9:45 PM CDT

Yesterday was a very exciting day around here. Meagan was honored with the Presidential Excellence in Education award. I went to the assembly where they were announced and felt extremly proud of her. She has been through so much in her life already, yet she has persevered. Meagan is so full of life and it is so contagious to catch when you are around her. I cannot believe how fast time gets away from us and the next thing we see is that our children are no longer babies. Each stage is so unique. Last night, a banquet was held in honor of the children that received the award. I watched as she walked forward and accepted her award. She is a beautiful person, inside and out, and I pray that God will give me the wisdom to be the best mom that I can be.

In the back of my mind, I also knew that her brother was looking down and smiling, proud of his big sister.

God bless your week.

Love, Tina

Sunday, April 17, 2005 5:56 AM CDT

When I got home from work last night I put on my running shoes and hit the road. It is so hard to get motivated sometimes but once I get going it is great. The stress of a long day at work or the loneliness that sometimes creeps up seems to slip away. Running & walking have become a great way for me to clear my head and also to spend time with God. I need that!!! I am very motivated about this marathon and the people that can be healp through the funds raised. I am doing this not only for Austin, but for Meagan, and for her friends, and for anyone that cancer may touch in the future. This terrible diease has touched my life in a way that can not be put to paper. It has changed my life forever, and I have grown through this experience. One day someone will sneak up on a cure. Austin's friends are another reason I am doing this. They are survivors!!! I miss all of our friends in Birmingham. One day I am going to be brave enough to come and visit. I am not quite there yet, though.

Time for work. I love you my friends and I am very greatful for your prayers and love.

Love, Tina

Tuesday, April 12, 2005 10:05 PM CDT

I put on my running shoes after carpool this morning and set out for a walk/run. After fifteen minutes of running I almost used my cellphone to call 911. My heart was coming out of my chest. I decided to walk and slow the pace down. It helped and my heart settled down. I continued for a long time before deciding to turn around and head home. Halfway home, I turned back around and kept going. I did not want to go home. I wanted to keep going, to walk and run until had nothing else left to give. It worked. I continued until I felt numb and nothing was left floating around in my mind. I sort of felt like Forrest Gump. (His saying "Life is like a box of chocolates" is so very true, by the way).

It has been twenty-two months since Austin went to Heaven and the pain is still just as is was on the day he left. Actually, I think it is deeper now because the realization of this tremendous loss has finally set in.

I made the decision to keep up Austin's website up so that maybe through this horrible journey someone might find that you can make it through, one day at a time. I cherish every moment that I spent with Austin throughout his journey with cancer and I am using every ounce of faith I have to continue the journey after his cancer. God blessed me with, not one, but two children and I am very fortunate. You cannot throw in the towel, though you can hibernate for a time. There is some lesson in all of this, I search for it daily, but as I do I continue to try and take in all of life that I can. Some are not as fortunate, they rush through life with no rest stops.

Enjoy this beautiful spring God has given us.

Love, Tina

Sunday, April 10, 2005 9:28 PM CDT

I turned thirty-nine on Friday. I cannot believe that it will be my last year to be in the thirty's. Time flies by. I tried to shake off the memories of my thrity-seventh birthday on the Stem Cell unit. It is a special memory, a priceless occasion that I will never forget. Austin was beaming with pride that day and the look of joy on his face was something that cannot be put into words, only captured in the heart. I miss him and the bond that we shared. We were inseparable (except when he banished me from his room) and so much alike (which is why we clashed so many times). I miss him and that direct approach he always had.

Yes, it is true, I have decided to run in a marathon for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society Team in Training. It will be in San Francisco in October. My neighbor is running in it with me. I need to do something for me and this will be very healing for me as well as a great de-stressor for school. So many times I find myself panicking, aching over the loss of my child, and then wanting to run as far as I can, far enough away to not feel the pain that sweeps down and grabs at my heart. Cancer is not a disease that we can run from, it seems to follow you. I am very excited to be able to run for such a worthy cause. I am learning so much about myself, and finally, after thirty-nine years I am learning to take care of Tina. I am taking steps to heal and to know that it is okay to nurture myself. I will be all the better for it. I know that Austin is smiling down on me.

May God bless your new week.

Love, Tina

Tuesday, April 5, 2005 9:22 PM CDT

Speech class has been a challenge for me. Writing what I think my instruction wants has been hard for me. I cannot write unless it comes from somewhere deep inside of me. Tonights speech was a demonstration speech. Mine was on how to make cotton candy. I did a trial run in my kitchen today and spent two hours cleaning up the aftermath. It was so messy. I finally went by Blockbusters and bought a bag to go with my demo. I gave my speech adding the pros and cons of borrowing someones cotton candy maker and how simple it is to just go and by the stuff. I made an A.

I remember the Christmas pre-leukemia. Austin wanted a snow cone maker. He was thrilled that he got it. I remember the way his eyes lite up to be able to make his very on flavors. I love the magic that dances through a childs eyes as something amazes them. I see it with Meagan everytime I pick her up from horseback riding and I miss it with Austin.

This time of year is very trying. All of the memories begin to unravel and the anniversary of so many different dates surround me. My next speech is on a special occassion. The most important one to date is the party my son planned and organized when I turned thiry-seven. I find that as I get older my birthday means even more to me because I see it through the eyes of a child. Children love to celebrate for us and with us. My last birthday with Austin is one that I will never, never forget.

"...and there he was, making everyone around him glad to be alive." unknown

Gosh, I miss him.

Love, Tina

Monday, March 21, 2005 7:58 PM CST

I was in the shower several nights ago saying prayers for my patients at work and praying for my friends and prayer partners (yes, I pray at odd times). Anyway, I starting thinking about families that have missing children. Some that may never be found. As I watched the news last week and yet again, another kidnapped child was found with a tragic ending I began to think deeply about Austin's death. I did not go through the same anguish and fear that these families go through. I went through a great deal and still do but it is not the same. I had to stop and thank God for my blessings. I am lucky. My son died in my arms, not in the hands of a stranger. My son was held and rocked and sang to, surrounded by those who loved him. My heartache over the loss of my son has been very difficult but I am still alive, breathing and functioning with God's grace.

Love your children every monent of every day. When they are grumpy remember that they are little. Love them with your whole heart and enjoy them. You will never regret it.

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Love...Tina

Tuesday, March 15, 2005 10:24 PM CST

Do you know the feeling of dropping off film knowing that your little one may be in these pictures or it may be the film that he took while on an adventure during the last months of his life.

I came across this film and immediately recognized the disposable camera. His little hands held that camera as we took an adventure through the eyes of a child...the eyes of a child who really "got it", this thing called life. He touched my life with his spirit to keep moving forward.

As I dropped the film off I hesitated long enough to ask the nice lady behind the counter to PLEASE take good care of my film. Strange as it may sound, it was the same feeling that a mom has when dropping her little one off at preschool for the first time.

I love these moments of surprise, these moments that continue to take my breath away. They bring a mixture of feelings along with them. Smiles mixed with heartache whirl around. Twenty-one months after he got his wings I am still no farther ahead of this thing called grief.
----------------------------------------------------------

*I picked up the film tonight after class and tore open the envelope. Inside I saw the chunky little face of my sweet little one smiling back at me. That same determined look was on his face, that look of challenging life to the very fullest. I miss that face, that sweet little voice, and those hands that so often intertwined with mine. As I looked at these pictures tears began to spill down my face and all I could do was shake my head at the cashier and walk away. There are no words to describe a moment like this.

God bless you.

Love...Tina

Saturday, March 12, 2005 8:51 PM CST

It has been several weeks since I have visited Austin's website. I cannot explain why, only that I miss him so very much. I thank you for praying for us on Austin's birthday and for your continued words of encourgement. You cannot imagine how much it helps.

Meagan is doing great, keeping me busy with her horseback riding. I will be glad when school is out for the summer for both of us. We need a break. Meagan turned eleven on March the first and we celebrated her big day with a family party. She is growing up before my very eyes.

Alice (Alexis Lindsey's mom) gave birth to a little girl on what would have been Austin's eighth birthday. I am so happy for their family. What a great day to have a birthday on. Life goes on.

The city of Fairhope broke ground Wednesday on the new library. The Mapp's have given an incredible gift in letting Austin's memory live on through the new library. I would love for you to one day come to Fairhope and go in what will be called "Austins' Room." I am excited about this.

My gosh I miss him, and wish I could hold him in my arms again. A friend and I were remembering the day of Austin's funeral. I was the last to leave graveside. My mom came to get me and tell me that everyone was waiting on me and I needed to go. I remember sitting there thinking that once I left things would never be the same.

Please make wonderful memories with your children and other loved ones. They make the future easier.

Love, Tina

Thursday, February 24, 2005 6:02 AM CST

Happy Birthday Austin...
Ouch! My little boy would have been eight years old today and I am sure he would have mapped out a great day for us.

I remember his very last birthday, turning six, and so very grown up for his age. We were in the Birmingham apartment and Aunt Susie, Taylor and Bailey came, and Meagan had spent a long weekend with us to help us celebrate. Mrs. Nena came by on that day and Mrs. Linda went to dinner with us in celebration. Austin had a big day. This morning I am trying hard not to dwell on that last birthday because it brings too many tears and I have to go to work in five minutes. I chose to work today because I knew staying busy would be the best thing for me today.

Today is very hard. I did not realize how very "raw" I still am inside.

It is supposed to rain today and I am not surprised. Austin and Popple probably have a watergun war scheduled for today.

Love, Tina

Monday, February 14, 2005 9:27 PM CST

There are no words to describe the feeling that comes over you when you feel the full impact of losing a child and the ache that comes with missing them. I am in that horrible aching stage tonight. The house is quiet and the memories are pouring in.

I had a dream about Austin several weekes ago. It was long and I could not get out of it. When I woke up, it was four a.m. and I was sobbing with no sound coming out of my mouth. The hurt was so deep that it produced no sound. The dream was too real.

On this Valentines Day I have to look upward and thank God for the love I had from my son and the love I continue to receive from my beautiful daughter. She is wonderful and God has blessed me. Don't ever take your children for granted, just love them with every inch of your soul.

God Bless,
Tina

Tuesday, February 8, 2005 9:03 PM CST

Meagan had a "band-aid" request at bedtime tonight. She needed three. I took them to her and looked at what she was putting them on. She had one "nick" and two places on each foot that she got from sliding down her "Mimi Books" staircase. She had a blast doing this she told me. Anyway, she barely has any area to stick a bandaid on. I was peeling bandaids for her and it dawned on me that when she was little is was nothing to go through a box a week. Remember when your kids were very small. Mine LOVED bandaids and could find all kinds of reasons to use them. Everything was a "boo-boo". I took those times for granted. Tonight I realized that. Those times are gone, as she is growing up and uses bandaids rarely. It seems silly that something this small can make my heart ache but it does. Time does not stand still.

It has been twenty months since I last held my son and I miss him so much. I would love to go through a box of bandaids with him. Gosh, it is so unreal.

Don't take any of your "bandaid moments" for granted. Enjoy them.

Love, Tina

Monday, January 31, 2005 9:32 PM CST

There are times, like tonight, when I wish I was full of inspiration or insight, or something. Nothing is there. Just the overwhelming desire of missing one of my children. I miss Meagan when I am at work and when we are apart for even 24 hours. Not to have my children close is very bothersome to me. I have always, always, wanted to be a mommy. I know enough not to smother my daughter with too much togetherness and I am learning that as she grows older she will test her wings (and mine).

I have tried never to sugar-coat my journal entries but to be as truthful as possible. Life without one of my children hurts, terribly bad. It never leaves me but I have learned to focus on good memories, not bad, and to look towards the future because here on earth beside me is someone who needs her mommy very much. You cannot compare apples and onions and we are all different in our healing process. Mine is to look towards God knowing that He has my son with Him and one day we will be with him again. I am enjoying watching Meagan grow and change and I am lucky that I am not living in a fog, that I can enjoy my time with her. Time goes by too fast and I don't want to miss a moment of it.

Love, Tina

Sunday, January 23, 2005 5:35 AM CST

So many times I wish that God would let me hold my son "just one more time" but in my heart I know that it would not be nearly enough. I would want just one more chance to hug him, and then walk on the beach with him, and then snuggle with him, and collect bugs with him, and then just one more time to go in his room and find it up-side-down while he explains that he will clean it up but he is making a trap right now. I want my child back 24/7. Not just for a moment in time. I am missing him terribly and know that once again, only time can heal this ache.

A little boy, five years of age, came to pick his PawPaw up from the hospital not long ago. I could not push the grandfather out because the little boy was so close to the wheelchair holding his buddy's hand. It was wonderful. He told me that he loved his PawPaw and could not wait to get him home so they could play. He missed him. He was very mater-of-fact. In his eyes, his grandfather was his everything. This moment stole my heart and as I said goodbye to this family, the tears started streaming down my cheek. This little boy, who looked nothing like my son, reminded of him.

I know that it is very much okay to cry, that tears are healing, but when they start, it is hard to compose myself. At work, I do as I learned from my son, I "suck it up." I have to be honest though. As I slowly walked back up to my floor I questioned God for the very first time. After all of these months I stopped in my tracks and asked my Heavenly Father why? I have never questioned God's reasons but on this day I did. My heart was aching too much. I know that God forgave me because He knows that we do not always understand His plan. I pray for guidance and for strength to keep living in the "now". God is faithful, much more than I am, and I am grateful.

Thank you God for blessing me with a child "with the biggest set of wings you could ever grant." I miss him. Thank you for Meagan and each moment that I spend with her. She is growing up so fast. May I cherish every door she slams in response to my "no's", every story she tells, and every breath that she takes, even through the teenage years that are fast approaching. She is a blessing that makes me smile every time I think about her. She is wonderfully made. (She really doesn't slam doors).

I know that today may not go perfectly but I know who created it. For now that has to be enough.

Love...Tina

Thursday, January 20, 2005 8:19 PM CST

I do not remember if I ever shared this story with you or not but I want to share it again if so. We were up on 4 Tower for one of our usual long stays. It was right before Halloween. Austin was hot and could not get comfortable. He wanted me to fill up his "bucket" with ice cold water. I did as he asked. He literally bobbed his head down into that cold water as if searching for something at the bottom. He came up hollering and laughing. He had the "bucket" in front of him. He was sitting indian style, as he normally did. He kept splashing water up in his face and loving it. It comforted him. He was no longer hot and itchy, but boy was he having a blast. This water play went on for at least two hours. He loved it, the floor was soaked, the bed was soaked, and he was soaked. I can still hear his giggle in my mind.

Two nights ago, I had a dream about Austin. I have very rarely had vivid dreams of Austin since he went to Heaven and have, at times, been mad about this. In my dream, Austin had his "bucket" of water and was splashing it in his face. He spent some time talking to me and letting me see just how happy he was. He then brought me his "bucket" and put it in front of me. He asked me if I would wash his feet. I cannot put into words how I felt at that particular moment. A moment later, my alarm clock woke me up. The dream seemed so real and I felt as though I had been with him. It made me ache for him but at the same time I felt peace knowing that I felt his happiness.

We all have dreams. Good, bad, scary, confusing, or "real". This one felt so "real". It brought me peace. Austin is in a wonderful and peaceful place, a place where
I want to reside one day.

May God bless you and send you happy dreams. Dreams that encourage you to live for the future.

Love, Tina

Friday, January 14, 2005 8:59 PM CST

The Gift

"Today is my new birthday!" "Did you bring me presents?" Austin was thrilled that he had a reason to celebrate, an excuse to get presents. He did not comprehend just how important this day was, full of our hopes and dreams. I waited with anticipation for Austins gift to arrive. "The gift" arrived in a sealed container, and was as small as a sandwich bag. Big things come in small packages. This gift was being given to Austin from a mom who did not know us. A mom donated her childs umbilical cord to a stem cell bank and because of this we were given hope. I remember silently thanking God that a mom cared enough to donate this. Because of rules and regulations, we would/will never get to meet this mom or her child but God knows who they are and I know that He smiles down on them. I understand these rules. If Austin were to have needed more stem cells there would not have been anymore from the donor. This would put too much pressure on the provider (donor). It is different from a bone marrow donor.

Mrs. Rhonda, Austins teacher at Children's, brought him a present and he was thrilled. It was camping gear and we set up camp in his room. His camping light made the sounds of crickets chirping. I still have it. Mrs. Linda brought Rescue Heros and I believe we own most of them. Every time I go by an isle that has them I still have the urge to buy them.

We were blessed to get the chance to help Austin through the generosity of someone we will never know and I will forever be grateful. I wish Austin were here now. What a celebration we would be having. I celebrate the six years that I had with him and I am grateful for all that I learned from him. I am still learning.

My dear son, if you were here tonight I would tell you how brave you were, what strength you had, and what respect I have for the courage you had to forge ahead. You did not know the meaning of giving up. You just knew the secre to living live to the fullest on a daily basis without looking ahead. You have taught me so much and you will forever live on in my heart and through the decisions I make in my own life. You had the will to turn adversity into strength. I am blessed to have known you.

I will forever be your mommy and I will miss you terribly until we meet again, in the wonderful place that you now live in...Heaven.

Today is a tough day without you.

Thursday, January 6, 2005 5:41 AM CST

Today marks nineteen months since Austin gained his wings. One year, seven months. Hard to believe. I do not know that it becomes easier after many months go by or it just becomes more accepting. I know that my faith grows stronger day by day and I turn to God for comfort. This is not one of those things that my Daddy can "fix" and make better. If he could he would have already done it. This is a deep since of loss that our Heavenly Father has to help me with. If I did not have my faith and the support of my friends I would not have come this far. I still ache for Austin, to hold him in my arms "just one more time" but I know that would not be enough.

Thank you for your prayers, emails, and phone calls. They have been a source of strength for me. The date of what would have been Austin's "new birthday" is coming up and I know that will be a hard hurdle to jump. He was so excited about that day and we were all so full of hope for his future. At least I know where he is I know who holds the future in the palm of His hand!

Love, Tina

Tuesday, January 4, 2005 7:48 PM CST

I cannot believe that we are already well into this new year. The hopes and dreams of last year gone, the new ones already in focus.

I took Meagan to horseback riding this afternoon and then went by the cemetery. Yep, Austin's grave is still there. It is right where we left it. This incredible loss that our entire family went through is still here. It almost seems unreal at times. I miss that little guy and the impact that he had on my life cannot be put into words. It is something that will stay in my heart forever. I thought that when Austin died time would stand still, that the wind would no longer blow, that the sun would never again set. I was wrong. Time seems to take care of that. I can bring into this new year the terrible ache that I feel in my heart or I can bring into this new year the hope of God's promises, that I will see my son again one day.

My beautiful daughter is my present, my future, and my life every day. I thank God for her and the fact that I was blessed with not one, but two children that have and will continue to impact my life. I am lucky.

As this new year starts, my prayer for my friends is to always see your glass almost overflowing, not have empty.

God bless you.

Love.....Tina

Friday, December 31, 2004 9:29 PM CST

New Years Eve...
Meagan and I chose to stay home and spend this time together. There is no place I would rather be. She is such an inspiration to me. She is such joy to me and the sunshine that I see when I wake every morning She is my miracle.

Today is Uncle Goldfishes birthday. If anything unusual happened to him today I know that it came from a mischievous little angel. Austin was blessed with three wonderful uncles. He loved them all very much.

I cannot believe that we are turning over to a new year. I am amazed at how quickly time can pass. Another year is approaching and Austin is not here with me. In June, it will be two years since I last held his hand and kissed his little lips. I miss him, everything about him, every moment of every day. I am truly stunned at the fact that I am still functioning without one of my children with me. I can only give God the glory for this because with Him I am able to withstand this. I know where Austin is and I pray that I will live a life that will enable me to go there too. I fall so very short so many times. I cannot throw stones at anyone because I make so many mistakes. I feel that I am learning and I am growing. God is guiding me and I can breathe a little better each day.

My prayer for 2005 is good health for my family and friends, happiness beyond explanation, and a strong faith to take me as far as I can go.

I love you my friends. Happy New Year!!!
Tina

Monday, December 20, 2004 7:27 AM CST

I cannot let Christmas slip by without wishing a Merry Christmas to some very special people:

4 Tower- you are a part of my family and I think about each of you often. You became such a big part of my life. You went far beyond the call of duty to make Austin's life a little easier. You made banana pudding for him, resupplied his silly string stock and tried desparately to find crab claws for him. You allowed him to hang out with you at the desk and dig through your stuff without blinking an eye. You do that on a daily basis for all of "your children" and I love you dearly.

Clinic 5- you taught me, informed me, held me, wiped my tears, and spent countless hours explaining "stuff" to me. We only made it to clinic twice, Austin preferred ""Life Flight" instead. You never failed to take the time to help me with my fears. You made Austin's diagnosis easier to understand and handle. I love you all.

To the "Gated Community"- I was terrified of coming into your family because I knew how serious it was when your child was sent to the Stem Cell Unit. You made our transition so much easier. I felt so alone when I entered your unit for the first time and you reached out to me and my little wild man. I laugh when I think of the reactions he got from you when he started his antics. I love you so much. Thank you for helping me through some very difficult times. Sometimes, all it took was that first cup of coffee in the morning, or letting me vent when I was kicked out of his room. Thank you for the best birthday party that I will ever have!

Ms. Tasha, Ms. Jennifer, Ms. Linda, Ms. Nena, and Bob(aka James, the chaplain) are a part of the team that Austin treasured. I hold all of you close to my heart.

To the Residents, Austin saw you guys coming from a mile away and loved to challenge you with every ounce of his energy. Thank you for truly caring about him.

I can even say that the many times Austin was sent to Intensive Care were not bad experiences. Dr. Johnson, thank goodness for her sense of humor, and the rest of the staff that helped a little boy when he was scared.

These groups are truly amazing and they do go the extra mile to help every family that they encounter. We were fortunate that God sent us to such a wonderful place.

Merry Christmas and may God continue to bless your work, because you do make the difference.

When your child dies, you have to continue to find hope and strength. If you don't, you will not ever find peace. I was fortunate that God guided us to Children's Hospital for our journey.

Thank you for all of your love,

Tina

Friday, December 17, 2004 5:12 AM CST

Yesterday, while Meagan was at riding lessons, I went by to see Leslie at The Downtown Gardener. (Their store is awesome). Leslie was helping a customer so I went to the back of the store and starting talking to Brian. There was a little boy at the counter having a snack, coke and sweet goodies, compliments of Brian. As I got closer I saw this childs face and recognized him. His mom came over and we started talking. She is a friend of mine. She has several children, the youngest, this child, age 5, and full of life. He is such a little boy! He reminds me of Austin every time I see him. He makes me laugh with his spirit and enthusiasm for life. His mother truly enjoys him and as I talked with them, a pain in my heart started to creep up. I recognize this pain, the pain of losing a child, a pain of emptiness, and of sadness. My eyes filled with tears and I had to walk away.

Leslie was wrapping presents, and I went in the back with her. When the tears came, they came in buckets, followed by that horrible realization that he is no longer here on earth. Leslie hugged me until I was "all cried out."

This morning I am still missing Austin, as I do with every breath that I take, but I continue to thank God for taking care of him, and of his promise that I will see him again one day. Grief is such a long process but there is hope.

Today my neighbor, Phyllis, is putting together Austins Christmas blanket, as she did last year, to put on his grave. Life keeps going, we have to remember how to breathe and how to look to God for strength.

God bless your day.

Love, Tina

Tuesday, December 14, 2004 6:11 AM CST

It is so very cold outside this morning. I had to kick the heat up a bit. I love the cold, even if it is a little extreme. The cold weather is part of this time of year and it puts more excitement in the air. It is never fun Christmas shopping in the muggy heat.

I remember as a child going into the living room, a room that was off limits growing up, and sitting on the couch watching the Christmas tree. I could sit for hours just looking at the tree and feeling such a sense of peace. I still sit by the tree in the early morning hours as I have my quiet time before anyone stirs. I try to sneak in there without even the dogs hearing me. This year, I feel as though Christmas is racing to get here. I don't like this because in the blink of the eye it will be over. When I take my tree down, I always have a sense of something missing, an empty spot in the corner. Now that same feeling lies deep within my heart on a daily basis as I know something is truly missing, my toe-headed little angel.

I have often wondered how God chose me to have a child that would only be with us for a short time. I know I will not find the answer until I meet Jesus.

Today is the 14th, by now Austin would have shaken every gift under the tree and teased Meagan about hers. He was so good at keeping a secret. That child could help me wrap anyone's gift and he would never tell what it was.

Our last Christmas together was our Target shopping trip. He had the best time and knew exactly what each family member was going to get. He had a blast and I love to look at those pictures.

As we get closer to this special holiday, I am trying to focus on our wonderful memories and leave any sad memories in a drawer. I feel God walking by my side right now, not having to carry me as He did for the past eighteen months. This is such a blessing. I know that He will pick me up and carry me again, as I stumble and fall, because that is a part of life, but I keep going.

Blessing to you on this beautiful day.

Love, Tina

Friday, December 10, 2004 5:48 AM CST

Monday marked the 1 1/2 year mark of Austin's death. I worked on Monday and the day almost went by with a whisper. Almost. It wasn't until Jimmy and I had Meagan in the Emergency Room that I realized what day it was. It was the 6th. I had to sign some paper work and the date all of a sudden slapped me in the face. Meagan woke up on Monday with a tummyache and Nonie kept her for me. Later in the day, she started throwing up and rapidly became dehydrated. Jimmy brought her to the ER and I met them down there. She was so sick and my heart broke for her. They gave her Phenergan for the nausea and as she dozed we waited for her blood work to come back. It took forever. I thought back to the day that we waited for Austin's blood work, thinking he had a virus. During the time that we waited for her results, I tried to rationalize the fact that she could not possibly have leukemia. What would the possiblity of her having it too be? I talked myself into staying focused but in the back of my mind I was scared.

Meagan is doing great, back in school, and happy as ever. She had a virus. Her white count was not in the hundred-thousands. It was appropriate for what she had. I thank God for this.

I realize how easy it is to let fear come creeping into our lives. It is much easier than letting God handle it, giving that worry away. This morning, I am missing my precious little Dennis the Menace but I am thankful for the beautiful blonde that snuck into my bed last night.

May God bless your day and keep you focused on His path.

Love,
Tina

Friday, December 3, 2004 5:35 AM CST

Good morning,
I cannot believe that this is already the last month of the year. Time can go by so fast when you are no longer a teenager.

I am beginning to understand that grief will not kill you, that there is a spot in your heart that takes it on and safely cradles it for a lifetime. I miss Austin with every ounce of my being but I am breathing. He was such a unique little boy that I would be lying to say that I am not still aching and not still wishing he would come home. I am blessed, for the moment, to be in a good spot, to know that God is giving Austin the ultimate life, and knowing that I will see him again one day. Tomorrow, I may be very, very sad again, but at this moment I am feeling God's almighty grace. This is a blessing.

My beautiful daughter is doing great, riding horses now two days a week and thrilled beyond words. She stayed with Nonie (my sis, Tonya) one day last week while I was at work. Tonya told me that she tried to convince her to let her keep a horse in her backyard. She seems to have it all planned out.

Take some time out each morning to count your blessing during this wonderful season of celebration. I love this time of year.

Love, Tina

Sunday, November 28, 2004 5:37 AM CST

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays because the day does not sneak up on us and it does not zip by as Christmas does. I was thinking of how fast Christmas is approaching and I want it to slow down. Our last Christmas with Austin, Jimmy and I took turns taking Austin on numerous trips to Birmingham in order to get ready for his transplant. In fact, Christmas night, Jimmy picked him up (in Popple's motor home) and took him for tests that had to be done the day after Christmas. If I sit and ponder about this I get angry because our time with him was rushed and cut short that last Christmas. Instead I try very hard to focus on all of his funny antics and the fun that he and Meagan had together. He spent most of Christmas afternoon, at my mom's, outside in a tent that he got. He would not let anyone in his tent except Uncle Goldfish (David) and it was freezing outside.

Grasp your memories and hold tight to them. They stay with you a lifetime. My sisters and I love to talk about our Christmas's of when we were little girls.

God bless your day.

Love, Tina

Tuesday, November 23, 2004 8:11 PM CST

I started out "journaling this journey" to update family and friends when Austin was wisked away to Birmingham. After that first cell phone bill came, I was very thankful for having a different way of sharing updates. After several weeks, I realized that this website was a gift. I could come to this site for comfort and support, and also, I could share my thoughts with you. It was such a comfort for me. This website is now in its second year and I am amazed that it is still such an important part of my life. I have an extended support network and as this holiday season begins, I realize just how thankful I for it.

I have finally come to the realization that grief does not kill you. It just feels as though it will. Someone even told me this. Nights seem to be the hardest for me. When Meagan is tucked in bed and the house gets quiet my mind will drift into the memory mode. It is difficult at times, not having someone to share my feelings with, but I know that I can pick up that phone and call someone if I need to. This is another of my blessing.

I stayed home from work with my sweet daughter today because she has a tummy bug. One seems to be going around Fairhope. She is doing much better tonight but is still tired. I enjoyed getting to be with her and staying in my PJ's on the couch with her until noon. I think we both needed some down time together.

Children's Miracle Network is having their telethon through tomorrow to raise money for Women's and Children's Hospital in Mobile. I told my dear friend, Mary, at Lite Mix 99.9, that I would not be listening to them this year, it is just too hard. Well, for the past two days I have listened anyway, sometimes tearfully, but many times without tears, as I listened to the stories of hope from parents all over the Gulf Coast. This is what we are here for; to give others hope, to give of ourselves, to help others through difficulties as we get through them ourselves.

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. I love the smells, the family gathering together, the start of the holiday season, and the blessings that come with this time of year. There is a little person missing but the peace in my heart reminds me of his presence in our lives. The ache in my heart is for the fact that he is not here. I remember the first Thanksgiving that the children were with their daddy after we separated. I was very sad not having them with me and I mopped around until I saw their smiling faces that afternoon. Boy, was I wrong in thinking that was the worst thing in the world. Even if you are married, cherish each and every second that you spend with your children. Do not take it for granted that tomorrow you can make up for lost time. You cannot. Sometimes their is no tomorrow. Today may be all you have.

Happy Thanksgiving, my friends!

Love, Tina

Sunday, November 14, 2004 5:20 AM CST

While working at Page and Palette several years ago, I was blessed to meet the author Michael Morris. I read his first book, Place Called Wiregrass, and fell in love with the book. He has since written two more books, Slow Way Home, and Live Like You Were Dying. I finished this new one last night. It is based on the song by Tim McGraw "Live Like You Were Dying". The book was wonderful, just like his other books have been, and it pulled at every heart string that I have. The song and the book can make you stop and take a look at your life. Are you living like today is the last day you have here on earth? I think of Austin and how he continues to teach me that we should love every day as if it were our last. He truly did that. I miss his passion to not miss a single thing. Memories have been flooding back and taking my breath away. Today is Sunday, the first day of a new week. It is a good day to start living, and to start showing those beside us just how much they mean to us.

Meagan's enthusiasm for horses and the passion behind this new love has touched me deeply. She is enjoying every moment that she spends with these animals. I love to hear her tell me about her day with them. Life is so simple, if we chose to look at it through the eyes of a child.

FYI: Michael Morris will be a Page and Palette signing his new book on December 10th.

God bless your day,
Tina

Thursday, November 11, 2004 5:58 AM CST

It is raining "cats and dogs" here so I am sure that even if it stops there will not be horseback today. Meagan's teacher is wonderful about safety and the fact that the horses could slip on muddy ground. I have to work a twelve hour shift today so I will not have to be a part of the fall out.

Meagan is getting to spend the day with our friends, the Vogles. There is no sweeter lady than my friend Peggy and Meagan loves to play with her three girls. Austin always loved going home from preschool with Mary. I have many pictures of the two of them up in Mary's fort. She, along with Seth, Jack, and Alex, were Austin best buds.

Pictures really do say a thousand words. I treasure all of the ones that friends have given me of both of my children.

Yesterday, I told my teammates at work that there was an anvil on my chest. That would be a great title for a book on grief. Today, that anvil still weighs heavy on my chest but I keep saying little prayers for God's neverending strength. He never fails me!

Love, Tina

Wednesday, November 10, 2004 5:34 AM CST

I was at Page and Palette Bookstore yesterday morning. I love to go there and visit my friends (I used to work there) and look at books. I find peace when I go there, strange isn't it? Maybe because this place holds no bad memories and both of my children loved to go there. Me too!

I picked up a book that I had ordered and wrote a check to pay for it. The date that I wrote on my check slapped me in the face, 11/09/04. Seventeen months since I knelt by Austin's grave and told him goodbye. Seventeen months since I last saw his beautiful face and kissed him one last time. You would think that it would be on the 1 1/2 yr. mark or something to really stop me in my tracks. It wasn't. It was this "off" month that would hurt so much. Gosh, I miss that toe-headed little mischeivious little boy. Grief hurts. It goes so far down into your bones that the ache is almost painless. Almost.

On a lighter note, I am reading Michael Morris's new book, "Live Like You Were Dying" based on Tim MCGraw's song. I love the book so far, just as I always love his books, and I will encourage all of you to read them. His first book, Place Called Wiregrass, is wonderful. Give this book a try. You will love it.

I just heard the forecast for tomorrow and it is not sounding good for horseback riding. There will be a great deal of drama to deal with if it is rained out.

We have two little friends in the hospital with meningitis. Please pray for these two little girls and also for strength for there families.

Love, Tina

Saturday, November 6, 2004 7:20 AM CST

I try to go out to the cemetery on Thursdays after I take Meagan to horseback riding. I sit beside his beautiful little grave and talked to he and God. I know that I can talk to God anytime and anywhere but I feel such a peace when I go out there. Usually, the tears that I don't realize I have begin to pour out during my visits.

I do not go to the cemetery as much as I used to. I know that this is a step in the healing process. When Austin first died, I went to the cemetery constantly, sometimes three or more times a day. I felt that I had to be there. My son was there and I was being protective.

Austin left this world behind seventeen months ago today. At 3:20 p.m. today I will feel it, even if I don't know what time it is. I will just know in my heart that something in my life was changed, forever.

Our family friend, Rondale, sang a song at Austin's funeral. It was a lullaby that she wrote. She made me a copy of the song on a CD and I have never been able to make it work. It will not work on my CD players in this house. Last night, I came across the CD and took it out to my car and put it in the CD player. It played! I went absolutely numb. I went back in time to seventeen months ago. The song is beautiful and words will never be enough to thank Rondale for being part of "saying goodbye to Austin." What a gift.

I have a tape of Austin's funeral because, if you remember, daddy was in ICU in Pensacola, Florida when Austin went to heaven. My church family made a copy of the entire funeral so that dad could have some closure. He did not get to say goodbye to Austin. I have listened to the entire tape and it has helped me many times when I was having a hard time.

Joe Bullington, my minister and friend, said in part of his sermon, that you 'walk through' the "valley of the shadow of death", we do not stay there forever. Sometimes I feel as though I am sitting in the bottom of the valley without a ride up the hill. I am grateful for my faith. I am also grateful to have good friends. Each of you have helped me get through so much, just by your emails or kind words in your journal entries.

Leslie, my dear, dear friend, I could not get out of the valley if you were not there with me. You climb down and sit with me, for a time, always with a cup of coffee, and then you give me your hand and pull me up. You have given me tools to use when I feel my world is crumbling. You know that you cannot fix what I am going through but you listen and accept me for who I am. You have been such a good friend and I could never begin to thank you for your never ending support. You were the one to pick out what Austin would wear to Heaven, you packed up his room, because I would only allow you to do it. I cannot imagine how hard it was on you to sit with us in the hospital on Austin's final day with us. You have been woken up at ungodly hours to just 'talk' and you have found me on your side porch often. Brian, you are a prince of a husband for putting up with me in ya'lls life. I feel part of your family and I love you dearly girl. I am proud to call you my friend.

I continue to pray for my little friends that are fighting this disease called cancer and I look forward to receiving my new car tag.

May God bless your day.

Love, Tina

Thursday, November 4, 2004 5:48 AM CST

Two days ago, I was part of a situation that I did not understand all aspects off. I could not understand this persons way of thinking. (FYI, it had nothing to do with the election). How they could put the value of one thing over the other? I was angry. Very angry. They were the target of my anger. Everything that had built up regarding this situation and this individual came blasting out in 2.3 seconds. I said some very true but very hurtful things that I could have gone without saying. Did I do the right thing? No. I did not. I came out of my glass house to throw stones at someone else. I was judging someone else because I could not and still do not understand what they were thinking. I was wrong. I apologized to this person for the hurtful things that I said but you know what, once you say them, you really cannot take them back.

I realize that in my minds storage bank I was holding on to something that I should have let go of a long time ago. Instead it stayed there until I could shoot it like an arrow at someones heart. My lesson that I hope I can pass on is to let go of things like this. It drains you of all of your energy. I did not give this "hurt" over to God and it came back out. Shame on me.

They say in AA and other twelve step programs that you should go back and apologize to those individuals whom you have hurt along your trail of destruction. I feel this is true in any situation.

Gosh, I miss my little one.

Make today a blessing to someone else.

Love, Tina

Monday, November 1, 2004 5:35 AM CST

I worked yesterday so it made the day a busy one for me. Twelve hour shifts are hard but very distracting and I needed that. I survived Halloween. Meagan came home last night and she and Christine (step sis) walked around the neighborhood Trick or Treating. They were so cute. They both had on old dance costumes of Jenny's (step sis) and they were beautiful. Austin, up in Heaven, was I am sure, the most beautiful angel as he watched over us.

I started off the day yesterday with tears and before long my emotions turned to anger. Anger is not my best emotion. I never know what to do with it. I was so mad that my little boy was not here to be a part of this day with his sister. Soon my anger went back to tears. I took many deep breaths and put on some eye makeup and went through the motions of the day. I could here a little voice saying "suck it up mom!"

Today starts a new month. As we head toward Thanksgiving try each day to list your blessing on a sheet of paper. On Thanksgiving day, look over your list and see what you have listed. Acknowledge those who have touched your life in some way.

I love you my friends.

Tina

Friday, October 29, 2004 8:53 PM CDT

Something tugged at the back of my mind all day at work today. I could not put my finger on it. For most of the day, I couldn't shake this feeling that something was 'wrong', for lack of a better word. Finally, as the day started winding down it hit me. Another holiday, another 'something' without Austin. Halloween. The last one we celebrated was in Children's Hospital. Austin was Harry Potter. He was appalled that the hospital gave out trinkets etc. and not candy. He was so funny. He was offended at all of the pencils he received. He didn't feel real well but wanted so badly to go that the doctors agreed. With a mask on his face, I pulled him in a wagon and we went Trick or Treating with many other children to different departments. He was a wonderful Harry Potter.

Today at work, I could not remember what he dressed up as on his last healthy Halloween. It really hurt. My memory would not provide me with information from the past. I will probably spend most of tonight looking for pictures of the kids on that last Halloween that we went door to door as a threesome. Time continues to fly by and it amazes me. Never does time stop and take a breath. That is our job.

Meagan, my sweet, beautiful daughter is growing up so fast and I am both amazed and blessed by her. She is still debating what she is going to go Trick or Treating as.

I continue to pray for all of our family at Children's. These children are fighting such tough battles. I will always keep them close at heart.

God bless your night.

Love, Tina

Thursday, October 28, 2004 5:42 AM CDT

A dear friend of mine is going for a procedure today because her cancer has come back. I know that she is dreading it and my heart goes out to her. She is a beautiful young woman who reaches out to me on days that aren't so great for me. She is facing this reoccurrance with both courage and determination. I am very proud of her and I know that Austin is cheering her on. Cancer has never cared how old we are and as we know, it strikes whenever it wants. Today, my prayers go out to this young woman, knowing that God will supply her with the peace that comes only from knowing Him.

May God continue to bless each of you as you have me.

Love,Tina

Wednesday, October 20, 2004 5:25 AM CDT

While Meagan was outside playing, yesterday, I decided to clean out my closet. I did a great job getting rid of all of the things that no longer fit or those things that have never looked good on me but I liked the color. Anyway, I got to a pair of sweats. I wore them on the Stem Cell Unit, they were my uniform. They were comfortable. I put them in the pile to give away. I took them out. I put them back in and took them out again. I sat on the floor of my closet and held those sweat pants as if I were holding Austin. I cried and cried. Those sweats represented a time in my life that brought hope as well as closeness to my son. We were in a place where we were trying to achieve a goal, for life. Those dumb pants were a part of a memory. I know that my heart and head are full of the memories and I do not need clothes to help with that but, my gosh, it hurt.

I miss him, I miss his smell, his laughter, his stubborness, and his will to fight, no matter what. I wish the hurt would ease. How could it when one half of my heart is gone.

Hug your children,
Tina

Saturday, October 16, 2004 5:16 AM CDT

"I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing Light of your own Being."
-Hafiz

I continue to be thankful for this website because it keeps me connected to all of the friends I have made and all of the friends I have made throughout life.

Christy, the first nurse that Austin ever spoke to at Childrens Hosptial, actually he yelled at her, is having a baby boy. Nurse Rhonda, has a beautiful baby, and Child Life Specialist, Ms. Jennifer is having a baby. I am so happy for these girls. God is blessing them. They were all blessings in my life and Austin's. I continue to pray for everyone that we became friends with and that list is long. I miss all of you, all of the people that took care of Austin in one way or another. I know that it was not always easy, he could make it very hard but you blessed him and I thank you. You all took care of me and listened to me and made me coffee (Julia) and let me cry on your shoulders when Austin was either being challenging or I was just plain tired.

This morning, I feel the loss of my son unbearably hard. Why is it harder some days than others, I have no idea but it is difficult. I have to work today and that will help because right now my heart it aching. Nurturing my patients is a blessing for me. I am blessed to have this job at Thomas Hospital.

By the way, did Russ (weekend patient care tech) ever graduate from nursing school?

I love you my firends, and I hold you close to my heart.

Tina

Saturday, October 9, 2004 7:55 AM CDT

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and I could say, "I used everything that you gave me."
Erma Bombeck

I believe Austin did exactly this. I am so proud of his life, I just wish it could have been longer. I thought about how I carried him inside of me for nine months, preparing him for this new life, and I was with him for the nine months that he fought his terrible disease and at the end prepared him, once again, for his new life, in Heaven.

I am blessed to have had the opportunity to be with him and love him and tell him how much we all love him at the end. Not everyone is so lucky. I get some comfort from this. What a beautiful child of God he was. He had a favorite button that we gave out on "Wonderful Wednesday's" at church. I pinned it to his shirt to take to Heaven with him. It said, I am a child of God.

Meagan is up in Birmingham this weekend celebrating cousin Bailey's eleventh birthday. I am at home in this very quiet house. I am learning in my quiet time who "I am". I have lost 54 pounds since Austin died and it feels good to look in the mirror. I am proud of the steps I am making with my life but I am still making baby steps in this process called grief. Man, it is hard.

Make this weekend count. Hug your kids. Play some games on this ugly rainy day. Decorate for Halloween. Or just sit on the couch and watch that disney movie for the 100th time that the kids love.

Love, Tina

Monday, October 4, 2004 5:40 AM CDT

Good morning,
This has been a busy week and here comes another one. As tired as I am, this is a good thing. Being busy helps me to stay out of that 'hole' that is so easy to fall in to.

On this morning, I continue missing my sweet little man. I am blessed with all of the memories I have. Meagan was full of "Austin stories" last night. Children have such great detailed memories. It was wonderful to hear her talking about her brother. She is such a wonderful child and I know that she misses her brother, he was her best friend.

I cannot believe that it has almost been sixteen months since Austin went to be with Jesus. Wow! Time keeps on going.

Please continue to pray for the good health of Austins friends. Josh, Emma, Amber, Taylor, Matthew, Todd and others need our daily prayers for God's continued healing. I am blessed that I am able to know these children and their moms. I cheer them on daily.

Love, Tina

Friday, September 24, 2004 8:02 PM CDT

It would be a lie to say that as of late I have been the same person that I have been for the last fifteen months. The strength and courage that I have had is still somewhere in me but I have such a broken heart that I cannot feel it. I am sharing this with you, my friends, because you have been my support for the past two years. Can you believe that it has been that long? Time goes so quickly by.

I was taking a bath after a twelve hour shift a few weeks ago (Meagan was at her dads) and as I sat with the water running, reality showed up. I knew that Austin was not outside playing and that he would not be coming home. I have known this in my mind but my heart has been slow to catch on.

Today I came across Austins tennis shoes. They have been boxed up from the Birmingham apartment and recently I took them out of the box. They have been sitting on top of my dryer, along with many other bazarre items. Anyway, I picked them up today and took the socks out of them that he had worn for the last time. I hugged them close to my heart knowing that he had worn them for the last time. I tipped one of his shoes over and into my hand fell a cross on a chain. My cross, my chain. I have absolutely no idea how those things got into his shoe but it was a "wow moment" for me. God sends us sunshine in our loneliest moments.

I took Meagan and her buddy Sally to Sonic for dinner tonight. While waiting on our food, they watched a video and I cleaned out my car. I found a piece of paper with a page copied from something. I have no idea who gave this to me but it was what I needed to read. Here it is:

"Don't be overwhelmed by stress and sadness"

It is hard to have hard times come to those who deserve only smiles. You deserve so much of the sweetness of life and so little of its unhappiness.

Better days are right around the corner, and the best days you will ever know are still ahead. So...don't be oeverwhelmed by all that is going on. Try to be understanding. Realize that the clouds will pass and so will all of your sorrows. Your smile might be gone for a little while, but I promise: it will reappear in the mirror of a brighter tomorrow.

------------------------------------------------------------When sadness comes to you, you need to know that it arrives only as a visitor and not as a permanent guest.
------------------------------------------------------------

Austin was a wonderful little boy and I was fortunate to spend so much of the last nine months of his life with him taking in every breath 24/7.

Love, Tina

Monday, September 13, 2004 8:51 PM CDT

I went in to Thomas Hospital today and had a Heart Catherization. I have been having chest pain and ect. Everything came out normal, thank God. I feel better knowing that my heart is strong and that I have gotten passed this hurdle. I am home, off of bed rest, and Meagan is taking great care of me.

After I came home today, Dad, Barbara, and Mom all brought me home. Dad started putting things in the yard away for when Ivan shows his ugly head, and Mom helped. Barbara was in the house asking what important things she could pack for me. The most important "things" I own are my pictures. They, along with incredible memories, are all I have left of Austin. My pictures of my kids are priceless.

Tonight as I walk arounf my house trying to think of anything else that might need to be packed I realized that as much as I want to come back to my wonderful home "intact" it is not as important as what I have already lost. A home can be rebuilt. It is truly just an thing. I do pray that Ivan does spare all of us though. My sweet little girl does not need to deal with another loss. Whatever happens, I trust God to get us through it.

He got me through the heart cath. and that was not bad at all. I even stayed alert and saw the procedure. It was awesome. The only thing that no one could see was the empty spot in my heart where Austin is.

Love, Tina

Friday, September 10, 2004 6:24 AM CDT

This morning as I got out of bed I thought of Hurricane Ivan and wondered where he is moving this morning. I still woke with Austin on my heart and found a beautiful blonde princess sleeping beside me. My Meagan, always a rainbow in my life.

Florida may get a hard hit from this horrible hurricane. Another hit that they are not ready for. When I got up, I went to the weather channel to check and see where this guy is headed. He could leave his ugly mark anywhere. I compare Ivan to cancer. You cannot run from it or hide from it but you can give it to God. I realized when Austin was sick that I could not "fix" it but I could turn it over to our Heavenly Father. After that I could find peace. If I could run from the pain of losing Austin I would have the best looking legs in town.

It has taken me some time but I finally opened a gift that a dear friend spent a year preparing. I sat down and looked at a scrap book full of thoughts and comfort, pictures from when Austin was sick and pictures of when I was young enough that mom let me do my own hair! Cathi, you put so much love into preparing this book and I treasure it. I love you for honoring me with this gift. I am blessed to continue to be lifted up when I cannot do it myself. Cathi, your gift is something that I will always treasure. God bless you, my friend.

Pray for our neighbors in Florida. They do not need another hurricane. I don't want it either. I hope God pops the air out of it.

Love, Tina

Wednesday, September 8, 2004 5:35 AM CDT

If you can remember back to the day of Austin's funeral, fifteen months ago tomorrow, we were given a gift of Austin's humor and God's love. Oreo, Austin's "male" hamster, gave birth to seventeen babies as we were walking out the door to go to the funeral. I remember Meagan yelling, "Mom, come here, something is wrong with Oreo." Linda Watson was the first to reach Meagan and witness that, indeed, something was wrong with Oreo. "He" was giving birth. We were speechless! It somehow made the day a tiny bit easier.

Sunday night I came home from work and found Oreo looking odd. (Odd for a hamster). She was cold and panting. I picked her up and wrapped her in a towel. This is how she was fifteen minutes later when she took her last earthly breath. (Meagan was at Jimmy's for the night.) I sat and held that hamster and cried for hours. I cried for this hamster, for it's loss, and for the loss of what I felt was one more part of lossing a part of Austin. I cried for many reasons. The death of this little furball was just the excuse that unleashed fifteen months worth of grief. My heart aches and I know that only time will heal this horrible grief. I am no longer numb and every ounce of me is missing everything about Austin. I want to hear his mischieveous laughter and have him cuddle in my lap. I know this is normal and that this natural part of healing will get better but right now it hurts to the very core of my heart.

I have felt very strong for so long and I know that now God is allowing me to start healing. Healing hurts. My reason for sharing my personal pain is to hopefully help you to understand that life does keep going. It is very hard at times BUT it does somehow keep going and we do keep breathing. This is a choice. God is here waiting, as He always is, for me to just reach up and take his hand.

One day this pain will lessen and I may be able to help someone else get through this journey. It has been long and hard but God is so faithful, even when I am not.

Oreo is in Heaven being chased by a blonde-headed little boy with tons of energy and lots of laughter. Popple, our dear sweet Popple, is sitting beside God, watching over this healthy, happy little boy.

God bless your day. If you don't see a blessing, look around, it is there.

Love, Tina

Saturday, September 4, 2004 1:10 PM CDT

Today is my daddy's birthday. We are all down at the beach with he and Barbara celebrating this special day. My dad is a great big guy with a gentle soul and I love him very much. So many times lately, I have called him just to hear his voice when I am missing Austin so much. He listens to my every word and more often than not, crys with me. I know that this helps him too because he was not able to say goodbye to Austin because he was still in the hospital when Austin went to heaven.

My daddy is my best friend, even when he makes me weary with his lectures (that I know I deserve).

Daddy, today is for you. Austin is here with us in spirit and loves you with all of his heart. Meagan and I do too.

Thank you for being in my life.

Love...Tina

Sunday, August 29, 2004 8:49 PM CDT

It has been awhile since I have logged on to Austin's website. I do not know if it is because I am too tired or that I am too sad. I remember when we were at Children's Hospital. I would sneak out of Austins room (while he was sleeping) on 4 Tower to go and find a computer to journal on. When we were on the Stem Cell Unit I would have hit or miss times to journal. I could not wait to log on and read the guestbook entries of encouragement and hope for my little man. Your entries gave each of us courage.

I still love this website, it brings me comfort. I feel lost right now, out of place so to speak. I feel like I am walking around with just one sock on or something. It is so hard to describe. I have finally woken from a deep sleep and found that life has kept going. Life without Austin... it brings ups and downs. I find hope in knowing where he is but sadness in knowing that right now I cannot hold him. I just miss him so much. Yes, I hear his little voice telling me to "suck it up" and I am. Life cannot stop or standstill for grief and we do not want it to. Life is far too precious to not embrace every breath of it.

Meagan is doing wonderfully in school and is going horseback riding every week. She is tall and beautiful and full of life. I am blessed.

Have a great week.

Love, Tina

Sunday, August 29, 2004 8:49 PM CDT

It has been awhile since I have logged on to Austin's website. I do not know if it is because I am too tired or that I am too sad. I remember when we were at Children's Hospital. I would sneak out of Austins room (while he was sleeping) on 4 Tower to go and find a computer to journal on. When we were on the Stem Cell Unit I would have hit or miss times to journal. I could not wait to log on and read the guestbook entries of encouragement and hope for my little man. Your entries gave each of us courage.

I still love this website, it brings me comfort. I feel lost right now, out of place so to speak. I feel like I am walking around with just one sock on or something. It is so hard to describe. I have finally woken from a deep sleep and found that life has kept going. Life without Austin... it brings ups and downs. I find hope in knowing where he is but sadness in knowing that right now I cannot hold him. I just miss him so much. Yes, I hear his little voice telling me to "suck it up" and I am. Life cannot stop or standstill for grief and we do not want it to. Life is far too precious to not embrace every breath of it.

Meagan is doing wonderfully in school and is going horseback riding every week. She is tall and beautiful and full of life. I am blessed.

Have a great week.

Love, Tina

Monday, August 9, 2004 9:38 PM CDT

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life; it goes on.
Robert Frost

That about says it all. I came across that saying and thought, wow, this is so true.

School starts tomorrow and I find myself wondering where the summer went. I am amazed at how fast time goes by. Meagan is not ready for summer to end. I am not either.

We spent this past week at Lake Martin. We stayed with mom and Harold for a few days and then went and stayed with Linda Watson. It was wonderful. For those few days, I was able to put all of this "stuff" behind me and just relax. (Wish I was still there). God built this world with so many beautiful places for us to find comfort in. Lake Martin is one of them.

I am still very sad and not so "numb" anymore. Life without Austin is still so hard. I am thankful for your prayers. Thank you so much.

Love, Tina

Friday, July 30, 2004 7:28 AM CDT

Yesterday morning I took Meagan to horseback riding. On my way back home I decided to go by the cemetery. I have not had the opportunity to go by lately. Anyway, I drove to his grave site and stopped the car. There was a small yellow flag next to his cross. My heart stopped. I walk down the road a few hundred yards to where they put the grave markers when they arrive for placement. As I got closer to this area I could see a 'little person' grave marker. It was Austin's. My heart broke. For the first time, I am standing over my sons name, etched in marble. I began to cry for what seemed like the first time. Never are we supposed to read our childrens marker. They are supposed to see ours. His little name, birth date, heavenly birthday, all were written and at the bottom were the words "We love you and miss you...Dad, Mommy, and Meagan." This has been harder on me than the day we had his funeral. On the day of his funeral, I was focused on how proud I am of Austin's life and how much he accomplished in his six years. Yesterday I faced the realization of just how final this is. My heart feels as though it is broken all over again. I have no words to describe what I am feeling. It runs very deep.

On his marker we put these words:

"The child with the biggest set of wings God ever granted"

Love...Tina

Friday, July 30, 2004 7:28 AM CDT

Yesterday morning I took Meagan to horseback riding. On my way back home I decided to go by the cemetery. I have not had the opportunity to go by lately. Anyway, I drove to his grave site and stopped the car. There was a small yellow flag next to his cross. My heart stopped. I walk down the road a few hundred yards to where they put the grave markers when they arrive for placement. As I got closer to this area I could see a 'little person' grave marker. It was Austin's. My heart broke. For the first time, I am standing over my sons name, etched in marble. I began to cry for what seemed like the first time. Never are we supposed to read our childrens marker. They are supposed to see ours. His little name, birth date, heavenly birthday, all were written and at the bottom were the words "We love you and miss you...Dad, Mommy, and Meagan." This has been harder on me than the day we had his funeral. On the day of his funeral, I was focused on how proud I am of Austin's life and how much he accomplished in his six years. Yesterday I faced the realization of just how final this is. My heart feels as though it is broken all over again. I have no words to describe what I am feeling. It runs very deep.

On his marker we put these words:

"The child with the biggest set of wings God ever granted"

Love...Tina

Monday, July 26, 2004 7:08 AM CDT

"MOST OF US SPEND OUR LIVES AS IF WE HAVE ANOTHER ONE IN THE BANK" Ben Irwin


I thought this quote was pretty accurate. I love a good quote that can say what I am thinking.

Today is my final. I cannot believe that I have finished my first semester back in college. It is a good feeling. Before I know it I will have my nursing degree. I will be all grown up. Ha! Summer has raced by and I hate it. These past two summers have been hard for me. I do not know if it is because Austin died in the summer, probably so, but it is challenging for me.

Meagan, my sweet little girl, is loving horseback riding. She has given up ballet for horses and knows more about this new found sport than I ever will. I am so proud of her and this passion she has. She has starting adding to her horse collection and I gave her Austins Breyer horse on her birthday. Tomorrow, she is going to a class on Breyer horses at Fantasy Island toy store. She has been saving her money for many months so that she can buy a horse or two at the class. She amazes me.

A little girl from our community has been diagnosed with leukemia. I do not know many details except that she is in Sacred Heart hospital in Pensacola, Florida. Please keep her and her family in your prayers. They are beginning a very difficult journey.

Love, Tina

Thursday, July 15, 2004 7:57 AM CDT

Sometimes I wish that we were still at Children's Hospital. I miss my friends in Birmingham and the surrounding areas. I miss being able to hang out with them and watch as Austin tried to coax one into something. I miss being with Austin and laughing at his determination. I do not miss the times that he had me in tears and would kick me out of his room... actually I would do it all over again if it would keep him here. I know in my heart that this is not right though,, and I am so glad that I was able to enjoy my son with every ounce of my being.

Do you remember how our grandparents, husbands, fathers, whoever, would take their biscuits from there plate and soak up all of the juices left on the plate? That is how I feel about my children. I try to soak in every moment of joy and laughter, and every tear, because I know that each day is a new and different day. With Austin, I did take in every breathe he did and I thank God every day because I did. With Meagan, I take in her every breath and thank God that I am able to watch her as she is growing up. She brings so much joy to my life. I cannot encourage you enough to take the time to smell the rose because they can fade so quickly.

I love you and I am so fortunate to have such an incredible support system. Thank you for taking the time to love me.

Love...Tina

Thursday, July 1, 2004 7:35 AM CDT

"The little reed, bending to the force of the wind, soon stood upright again when the storm had passed over" Aesop

This was my daily inspiration, emailed to me through a web site I found. I thought it was appropriate for the way I have been feeling lately. I have felt as though I were the little reed bending in the wind, but after the sorm we stand stronger each time.

My heart continues to feel as though it is broken but I believe that it will one day feel better. This week I have strived to find blessings within my grief. I am blessed that I was able to hold Austin as he took his last breathe, that I was with him as he took his first step toward Jesus. Sometimes our loved ones are called home and we are not at their side. I am blessed. I also have my faith, even on these terribly hard days, and I know that I will lept going. Meagan, my breathe of fresh air, keeps my mind on the here and now. What more could I ask for.

A year later, Jimmy and I have finally chosen Austins headstone. A year later it is just as hard. His grave is marked presently by a beautiful rusty cross that a friends husband made for Austin. It is very fitting. There are always fresh flowere there and one of his action heros that Mrs. Linda gave him is standing guard. An entire year has passed, can you believe it.

My telephone line was struck by lightning last week and was finally fixed yesterday. I have missed communicating this way. I am much better at journaling my feelings than at speaking about them.

I close with asking you to continue to lift in prayer our friends that have lost children, and our friends that continue to fight this cancer fight. Hold them all close in prayer.

Please buy your car tag. Time is running out.

Love, Tina

Friday, June 25, 2004 10:50 PM CDT

I despise nights like tonight. Meagan is gone to her dad's for the weekend and I am here aching to hold both she and Austin. (This is when my guard is dropped, and probably is good for me). I miss Meagan, she is so full of life, and daily reminds me to slow down and just enjoy life. I love that girl and am amazed at how quickly she is growning up. Summer is zooming by and it just began.

I have been trying to go through some of Austins things tonight. It is incredibly difficult because every item has a memory. I have even come across his pen collection. Everytime the residents made their morning rounds Austin would pick their pockets. His collection is quite something. What does one do with boxes full of memories. As I unpack, I remember something grand about our time at Children's Hospital. As horrible as Austins disease was, the nurses and doctors made it seem manageable. And Austin made it fun.

I miss him so much and I cannot believe that he is gone. I have spent the better part of tonight talking with God and asking for guidance in getting through this tough moment. My mom tried to 'gently' encourage me to pack up his room. She thought that maybe I could move forward if this was done. I blew her idea out of the water, quickly. She was only tryint to help, and I appreciate her efforts, but I am not ready for that. Meagan is not either. She enjoys going through his stuff, playing with it, and telling me stories of "remember when Austin did this".

I seem to be moving forward with my life. I am working, going to school, and raising my ten year old. All of these things keep me busy but I still have that aching hole in my tummy. It is that feeling that something is missing. In deed it is.

Please pray for me. I miss my little boy so much. My blessing is that I do know exactly where he is. Thank God for God.

Love, Tina

Monday, June 21, 2004 5:24 AM CDT

Good morning,

It has been some time since I have journaled. In my head, I seem to journal about every twenty minutes. Time seems to rush by lately; before I know it summer will be gone.

Meagan is riding horses this summer and I believe this to be a new passion in her life. She talks about the horses with such interest that it is wonderful to hear. She is constantly looking up horses for sale on the computer. I told her that we could sneak one in Nonnies back yard and she wouldn't know it. Saturday we took a friend to Uncle Bob's to see his horses. She loved it. I am thrilled with her new interest.

School is going well, taking up a great deal of my time. I am still working three twelves a week at the hospital. My job is a blessing and I truly love it (most days). Meagan and I are both adjusting to me having to rush here and there but things are working out.

Austin is never far from my mind. I see him everywhere and know that he is encouraging both Meagan and me to go forward with our lives. One year later, the pain seems to be worse, not better. I wake every morning knowing that after I take that first deep breathe I will be able to make it through another day.

May God bless you life today.

Love, Tina

Wednesday, June 9, 2004 10:40 PM CDT

Today was much harder than Sunday was. Today, one year ago, was the last time I kissed the cheek of my little prince. It was the last time I saw his innocent little face, the last time I could say goodbye. Throughout today, I would stop and remember the important times. My heart ached for the 'just one more time'. I cannot put into words how I feel inside. The longing to see him again and hold him again is huge.

I am proud of my son and I am glad that I was chosen to be his mommy, if only for a short time. It was worth every moment of it. He was a gift from God.

Our children are only ours for a short while. Treasure those moments. Picking flowers, playing barbies, snuggling, or watching TV. They go by fast.

Every night as I try to sleep, I here Austin's words to me. LET'S SNUGGLE MOMMY. I will never forget.

Love...Tina

Sunday, June 6, 2004 10:45 PM CDT

Harry Potter was great and I know that Austin would have loved it...even if he would have been sleeping under me for the next six weeks. Austin loved the characters and the friendships they formed. I am truly blessed with the incredible support I have from my friends. God has given me with the gift of friendship and I pray that I never take it for granted.

When I woke up this morning I immediately started thinking about last year on this day. We were by Austins side, holding his strong little hands and telling him how much we loved him and how proud we were of him. We knew that he would be leaving us very soon and we were able to spend his last hours, last moments, with him. We were blessed with this opportunity, not everyone is allowed the opportunity to do this. Too often, life is gone without any last words.

My heart is as heavy as it was this time last year, maybe even worse. Not much has changed as far as this goes. I have gained strength and courage, far greater than I ever thought possible. God will always provide us with the tools to make it through everything in our life if we allow Him to.

Behind me in the theater tonight was a young boy, not much older than Austin was, with a cool-looking "rag" on his head. He was obviously going through chemo. He was enjoying himself. We all have the opportunity to help this child grow into a man. Please sign up for a childhood cure for cancer car tag. You could help save a life. Austin is not coming back, and my heart aches because of this, but you can still help another mom not to lose her son. Please make the commit to this cause. You can even do this on-line now.

Austin was a wonderful little boy. He made me laugh, as well as cry, from time to time. He could melt my heart or break my heart. He was full of life and adventure and taught me about how simple life could be. I am such a better person for having known him.

Meagan keeps me grounded. She is a sweetheart and loves every ounce of life. She never tires and continuously finds ways to fascinate me. I am truly blessed to be her mommy and I try to be the best that I can be for her. She deserves to be happy and keep on going in this world. This is what we do. This is what Austin would want us to do. He is in heaven and he is with Jesus. We will see him again one day. For this I am thankful!!!

God bless you.

Love...Tina

Thursday, June 3, 2004 8:12 PM CDT

I wish I could tell you that today is a better day. That I awoke refreshed, ready to find all of the wonderful things in store for me. I did not. I had bad dreams, woke up every few hours, and got up at six o'clock feeling as if Austin died yesterday, not last year. I am sad and very tired but... I am still the mommy of a bright, beautiful ten year old who needs her mom to be as close to 100% as possible. So, as Austin would love to say, suck it up mom. I did. I got ready for class and took Meagan to play with her daddy, Janie, and Christine. At school, the teacher gave us our test early. What a day!

Meagan is enjoying a sleepover at a friends so I can let my guard down for awhile. Yes, she sees me sad from time to time but ten year olds live in the moment so we keep going. (As we should). I am so very blessed to have Meagan in my life and we have such a wonderful time being together.

Tears have flowed from my eyes for most of the afternoon as I gravely miss my little boy. I wish I could hold him and rock him just one more time. How many times have we all wanted to do something 'just one more time?' I am fortunate to have wonderful memories with Austin that I can look back on and treasure.

If you have any stories of your last time with Austin I would love to read them. I am grasping at every detail that I can get right now.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers. My sense of loss is greater than my sense of humor today.

God bless you.

Love...Tina

Monday, May 31, 2004 8:24 PM CDT

Meagan and I were able to spend the entire day together. No school, no work. It was wonderful not to be on a schedule for a change. She is growing up before me and I don't want to miss a minute of it.

We spent the afternoon with my sister, Tara, and had a wonderful time. Aunt Tara gave Meagan the new 'Midge' Barbie doll for making great grades this year. I have tried to find that barbie for months now and finally Toys R Us had it. Anyway, Meagan is playing happily so I thought I would journal.

Writing my feelings down seems to help me get out what is stuck in my heart. At the moment, I am walking down memory lane, thinking back over the past year. As I write, Austins famous hamster is watching me. Oreo better not have any surprises in store for me. It seems as if she plans her parenthood around major events. We are finally without any hamster babies in the house. Those things multiple like crazy! Leo, Meagans oldest hamster, pasted away three weeks ago. He was a teddy bear hamster that she has had for a few years. She has tried to convince me that we need to replace him with a new puppy. No way!

Thank you for your continued prayers and support. This past year has been tough and I could not have endured it without the help of my friends and family.

Love...Tina

p.s. Commit to buy a car tag!!! Check out the link.....

Saturday, May 29, 2004 11:26 AM CDT

As this last year unfolds I am full of emotions. It was a year ago that Austin was at home for the last time. We had a four hour pass from the hospital. Austin was thrilled! We moved one of his beds into the sunroom so he could be more comfortable. He slept most of the time but was very content to be 'home again'. I feel as though I am taking every breathe that he took, trying to capture every single moment of his last week with us. I still didn't 'get it', that he was actually dying. Actually, I still don't get it. I miss that little boy so very much. All of the feelings that I felt then are amplified now. I feel as though someone has a vice around my heart.

Harry Potter's new movie is out this coming weekend. Next Sunday, Meagan and I are going to see it. What an appropriate time for this movie to come out. Austin was a big fan.

Meagans ballet pictures are in from her recital. I am going to download it in the photo album for you to see. She is so beautiful and she took my breathe away during her performance. She was amazing and we were all very proud of her. I will let you know when I have the pic installed!

Please pray for strength for us during this next week. I didin't realize how hard this first anniversary would be.

Love...Tina

Tuesday, May 25, 2004 6:39 AM CDT

It has been too long since I have updated. I come to the computer to sit down and journal but there is so much in my heart and running around in my mind that I walk away.

Thank goodness for summer. Meagan is thrilled that school is out. She has already had water balloon wars with our neighbors. I remember as child how much fun summer was for my sisters and I. One of my favorite memories is when dad would bring home bushels of peas for us to shell. We would sit in front of the TV and watch 'soaps' and shell peas for hours. It was fun.

I started back to college last Thursday. I was so excited and it felt good. Another part of my life is changing, in a positive way, and I am looking forward to it.

Life without Austin... not a moment goes by that I don't think back to where we were, and what we were doing this time last year. We were in Thomas Hospital, smuggling in pets, and shooting webslingers. Austin had just had his eleventh central line put in. (I believe he holds the record for the most 'noodles' in the lest amount of time). I knew that Austin was dying, or so my head thought. My heart never gave in. I prayed for a miracle and never truly thought my son would leave us. I didn't 'get it.' I tell you this because life is too short. We only have today, this moment, this memory making opportunity, to be with those we love. Don't waste a single moment. I was blessed to have the opportunity to hold my child, to tell him one last time that I love him, and to say goodbye until we are together again. We do not always have this chance. What we say and do may be the last actions that we have with a loved one. I try to remember this when I am tired and Meagan is grumpy.

I never forget to thank God for the opportunity I had in being Austins mommy. It was not long enough, not at all, but it was wonderful. He has blessed me with my sweet Meagan and I my lfie is truly full.

BUY YOUR CAR TAGS> CHECK OUT THE LINK!!!

Love...Tina

Thursday, May 6, 2004 10:14 PM CDT

Eleven months ago...
Time has passed by much quicker than I thought it would and still there is an enormous hole left in my heart. I count down by the minute, what we were doing, where we were, ... and on and on the list goes. For the most part I smile. I smile because I know where Austin is, and I know that he is healed from the terrible disease that eventually took his life.

I love to talk about Austin. I love to tell stories about his journey. Most of it is full of laughter. This helps some. Meagan and I sit on the floor in his room and she tells me about what he would be doing if he were still here. Rose and Charlie miss him too. If they see that the door to his room is open they pounce on his bed.

I hate this last leg of the journey of "firsts". I am not ready to face this first year anniversary of my son getting his wings. I miss him too much. June the sixth will arrive all too soon and I will still being longing to hold my son again.

Thank God for God. My strength comes from knowing that one day I will again hold my little boy.

Love, Tina

Monday, April 26, 2004 10:05 PM CDT

My heart is aching for the Lindsey family tonight and I find myself drifting back to how I felt (and still feel) when Austin went to Heaven. My gosh, I miss him. I do not think the ache will ever get better. I am thankful for my faith in knowing that Austin is, indeed, in heaven running and playing and smiling, pain free.

Today, I found our disney pictures and my heart melted. There was my brave little man smiling and trying to have the time of his life with as little pain as possible.

Please, commit to buy a childhood cancer tag. The money, $50, may save someones life one day. I cannot bring Austin back BUT the research will help save someone else.

Love, Tina

Sunday, April 25, 2004 8:32 AM CDT

This will be brief because I am still so numb.

Alexis Lindsey earned her wings last night at 7:35 pm. She was a very brave little girl.

Please keep the boys and Alice and Blake in your prayers.

I know in my heart of hearts that Austin was waiting for her when Jesus brought her in.

Tina

Wednesday, April 21, 2004 9:38 PM CDT

Friday night is "Relay for Life" in our area. I have been asked to be the Luminary speaker. When asked, I said a quick "sure, I would love too." Now for the past few days I have wondered why I said yes. I am not inspired to speak on anything. I have prayed for some sort of subject but God has not layed anything on my heart yet. I am nervous. I am also scared. This very important event has held stong meaning for me for several years. After Jimmy, my ex- husband, was diagnosed with cancer, we went to RFL and watched Jimmy walk in the survivors walk. It was an emotional time. Last year, Meagan and I went and saw luminaries lite in Austin's honor and I was very touched. I was also incredibly thankful that he was a survivor and even though he was still in Birmingham I knew that he was alright and that he would hold his daddy's hand this year in that special walk. Now this year has come and Austin will not be holding his daddy's hand. Meagan and I will not be cheering him on from the sideline. He will be with us in spirit though, and I know that from where he sits he will be cheering his daddy on.

I miss him. I miss his grumpy moods, his contagious laugh, his morning and nightime snuggles, and most of all his strength to keep on going.

If you have someone you love and have lost, or they are a cancer survivor, remember them with a luminary on friday night. This five dollar donation is a good way to help in the fight against cancer. You could help save a life.

Car tags... please go by the court house, pay your fifty dollars, and sign a commitment to buy a car tag for childhood cancer. Almost every dollar will go to help research for this deadly disease.

Please continue to pray for Alexis and her family. Also for all of our other cancer survivor friends. God knows them all.

Love, Tina

Wednesday, April 7, 2004 10:07 PM CDT

Tomorrow I turn 38 years old. I have spent most of the past hour thinking back on last year. As I thought about that day, the tears started to flow and would not stop. I wish I could turn the clock back and relive that precious moment.

April 8, 2003...
Austin sent me on errands and told me not to come back on the Unit until 11:00 a.m. He had things he needed to do. When I returned, the room was dark and not a sole in sight. As I entered the room, Austin jumped out and yelled 'surprise Mommy' and 'happy birthday'. He had all of stem cell staff with him. He was beaming and so very proud. I was touched beyond words. This child had taken the time to plan his mom a surprise birthday party complete with music, goody bags, and a cake. He had sent all of these wonderful women on many errands to get what he wanted for this party. He had even 'sent them shopping for his present'. That was the last birthday party Austin attended and the most beautifully planned that I have ever been to. He planned it with love, from his huge heart. (And of course, I am sure that he bossed all of the ladies around in the process). That day was one of the last memories of true happiness and great health that I remember for Austin. No stomachache that day! The pride was shining through him from ear to ear.

Mrs. Jennifer, you are a gift that I will treasure forever. You helped him with this wonderful gift to his mom and the memory of that day will always be fresh in my heart. This was around the same time that he found the tape of his arrival into the world!!!

Mrs. Holly, you helped Austin with his goody bags and were privledged enough to get to see the birth of James Austin Baker in the process. He loved that.

Nurse Best, you were his shopper and gift buyer. I treasure each one. I miss you a great deal. Austin loved you so much.

Melissa, Julia, Stacey, Jennifer, and the rest of his basketball team- you were such dear friends to Austin and you played by his rules so well! Thank you for allowing him to live out some of his six year old dreams on your unit. Little did you know that his sports season was coming to an end. My birthday party and ball game were great.

You touched my life, each of you.

Love, Tina

Saturday, March 20, 2004 11:36 AM CST

I remember leaving the Stem Cell Unit last year around this time to go back to our apartment. The last time we had been there everything was bleak and 'wintery'. As we drove into the complex Austin sat up straight and said "Mom, look at all of the colors, everything is so pretty." It was so full of spring and there were birds everywhere we looked. It was so sweet. We take for granted the world outside until we do not have the opportunity to see it for awhile.

Today as I water the garden that Meagan and I have started, I do not take for granted this first day of spring. New life is all around us. One day last week, I found Austins seed collection. It was one of those bitter sweet moments. His collection is full of cut flower seeds and veggies.

One of my families favorite memories is of last year finding the peas growing up the wall in the my cut garden bed. One of the last things Austin did before leaving the house for the last time was plant some of his seeds.

Gosh, I miss him and today my heart is aching for him. What I would give for just one last dance...

Love, Tina

Wednesday, March 10, 2004 9:08 PM CST

I hate nights like tonight when I can't settle down because my heart and my mind are together missing Austin. I have been in his room, touching all of his favorite things, wishing for just one more moment to rock my little one, to once more whisper in his ear how proud I am of him. These moments will not come again, here on earth, but I am thankful for the quality time that I did get to spend with him. Any regrets? Sure. I wish that I could have had more time with him, more memories, more everything. Austin is in the best place to be and I try to be thankful for my faith in knowing this but sometimes it is tough.

If you are reading my journal tonight, and you can truly feel the thoughts that I have shared, please do not go to sleep without telling your family how important they are to you. You will be glad you did.

Sleep well,
Tina

Saturday, March 6, 2004 10:41 PM CST

Alice and I became friends sometime during our journey at Children's. We spent many nights sharing hopes and dreams for our children and just laughing at the funny events of the day. Alexis and Austin were on the Stem Cell Unit at the same time. I could not have kept my sanity without her being there. Alice is like a sister to me and little red headed Alexis is part of my heart. I found out today that Alexis' brain tumors are back and that she needs our prayers for God's healing and for the guidance of her doctors. My heart breaks at knowing that this disease is back but I also know that God can again heal this precious child. She has come so far and she has just begun!!!

I ask that you reach out to the Lindsey family in prayer and through Alexis' website @ www.caringbridge/al/alexislindsey. Support is what has helped me to get through days that seem to be too much to bare. I continue to be amazed by the outpouring of love to each of us.

God bless.

Love...Tina

Tuesday, March 2, 2004 8:11 PM CST

Happy 10th Birthday Meagan!!!

My precious little girl turned ten today and I realize that she is growing up. She celebrated with a sleepover on Saturday and requested that Popa cook his famous ribs. We had a wonderful time and I kept picturing Austin running right along with this group of girls.

She has been home with me today (tummy bug) and has talked alot about Austin and his birthday last year. She said he was the bravest boy she knew. My family surprised her with a trampoline last week in memory of Austins birthday and to honor his wish for his sissy to have one. It helped make this "first" go a bit better. This first year is starting to pass quickly and it is very strange. It is hard to believe that he has been gone for over half a year. Gosh, I miss him.

God bless your night,
Tina

Monday, February 23, 2004 2:52 PM CST

Popple, Austins grandfather, joined him in Heaven early this morning. My heart breaks for everyone who had the pleasure of knowing this wonderful man, we will miss him so much. Popple, Jimmy's daddy, was known by everyone in Birmingham at Children's Hospital. He and JoJo were dedicated in coming up and spending time with Austin. Now Jack will be with Austin on his birthday. This is bitter sweet to me. I am glad that Austin will have his buddy to play with him but in a strange way I am jealous. It is hard to explain.

Please keep the entire Baker family in your prayers. As all of us know, saying goodbye to a loved one is never easy.

Meagan is doing okay. My heart breaks for her most of all.

Popple, I will miss you. God gave me a second father when he gave me you. Love, Tina

Friday, February 20, 2004 8:06 AM CST

Happy Mardi Gra!

Tonight will be the first parade that I have been to. Fairhope, Daphne too, are great parades to take children to. They are so family oriented. A friend at work has been giving me beads to put on Austin grave. He LOVED this time of year. He and his grandmother were famous for scattering for goodies. I know that JoJo misses her partner in crime :)

Fairhope is in the preconstruction phases of a much needed new library. My dear friends parents have made a donation in honor of Austin. I am so grateful to them and proud of my little man. Yesterday, there was an article in the paper about Austin and the generous gift that was made. I will try to attach the article to his website. Uncle David comes home today and he is the computer wiz. I will get his help.

Austin would turn 7 on Tuesday. I just cannot believe that he is not going to be hear to run his little fingers through the icing on the cake before 'Happy Birthday' can be sung. Can you imagine the party that his friends in Heaven will have for him? And Jesus is there, wow!

I continue to thank God for your prayers.

Love...Tina

Saturday, January 24, 2004 9:30 PM CST

I am always amazed and thankful for all of the support that we still have. God has blessed us with the steadfast love of friends and family. We are doing fine, staying busy between my job and Meagans school. She is such a remarkable little girl and I am so proud of her.

Every now and then, I find a little surprise somewhere around the house. One of those 'when you least expect it' things. One night last week I found a video of last Easter. Our last Easter together. I do not even remember receiving the tape. We were at our friend Nena's home and celebrating with her family. The day was wonderful and her family made us feel so welcomed. The video was of the egg hunt. Austin found the golden egg. My heart was filled with joy to see my children together laughing and playing. Thank you, Nena, for opening your heart and home to us. Austin loved you and Ellie so much.

One day I will have the courage to visit Birmingham again and see all of our wonderful friends. I miss each of you and I will always smile when I think of you.

Love, Tina

Tuesday, January 20, 2004 7:57 PM CST

There seems to be an elephant sitting on my chest, and with each breathe that I take the pain worsens, making it harder and harder to get air. That elephant is the loss of a child...grief. Some days the elephant does not weigh as much but other days he is enormous. The past few days have been desparately hard and I am very thankful for those twelve hour shifts. My mind stays busy taking care of others and there is little time to focus on myself.

Meagan is growing like a weed, size 8 shoe, and she is always full of energy and life. I love watching her grow and play and pretend with her toys. She makes me smile and laugh. She had a wonderful Christmas, bouncing around from house to house, racking up on all sorts of goodies. I hate the fact that she has to go to a million different places but it doesn't seem to bother her. She went to her counselor today for a checkup and is doing well, in spite of all of the changes in her life. Please keep her in your prayers, she is such a wonderful child.

Thank you for keeping in touch with us. The support and prayers help so very much.

God bless you.

Love... Tina

Wednesday, January 14, 2004 7:20 PM CST

Today was Austins "new birthday". He was so very happy to know that he would get to celebrate two birthdays each year. One was the day he was born, February 24, and the other was transplant day, today. That little bag of stem cells was the key to opening a new door in Austins life. Somewhere in the world, a mom donated her umbilical cord so that others, like Austin, would have a second chance at life. Tonight, I thank God for the donor, and for the one on one time that He gave me with Austin. I felt every breathe, dried every tear, and smiled at every giggle. I was given the opportunity to be his mommy. What a gift!!! I only wish time could have stood still. But, that would be selfish. Austin is pain free now and chasing the moon.

My heart breaks as I remember another memory but it is put back together when I get the opportunity to see my beautiful ballerina dance and smile with her friends. Thank God for Meagan. She brings me great joy even at my weakest moment.

Love, Tina

Sunday, January 4, 2004 7:18 PM CST

I hate the memories of this day one year ago. Tonight, after an incredible day with friends, the pain of starting transplant comes storming in. Austin was in Thomas Hospital with a high fever and we were preparing to send him to Birmingham. I received a phone call from my friend Linda preparing me that our little friend, Janie Sims, had just gotten her wings. She was flying through Heaven. "Getting your wings" sounds like such an honor but to the parents of children battling cancer it is not the news you want to hear.

Right now, every breath I take is a memory of packing for Birmingham, waiting for transplant, and hoping for a cure. The tough thing right now is that I know the outcome. Austin "gets his wings". I know that he is with God and I am thankful for my faith but at this moment I am just a very sad mommy missing her little boy.

Thank you for continuing to pray for each of us. This is a tough walk. If you have a moment, please drop a note to the Sims family. (www.caringbridge.org/al/janiesims)

Love,
Tina

Sunday, December 21, 2003 11:59 AM CST

We have all gathered at Papa and Barbara's for our Christmas celebration and the weather is wonderful. We always end up down by the water taking pictures of the kids, as they get closer and closer to the water until finally they are at the edge with wet feet. My mind has a wonderful picture painted in my heart from last years Christmas. It was before Austins transplant and he was running up and down the beach, touching shells and drift wood and just being a kid. It was wondeful and it was his last Christmas with us. My heart aches for him but I am so thankful that he was able to 'just be Austin' before his transplant. He was so beautiful and full of life. He took my breath away when I watched him play. Meagan has that same spirit, touching and feeling everything that she finds on the beach. Christmas is such a magical time of year and I am trying really hard to soak up as much of it as possible. Here on earth we celebrate Jesus' birth, I cannot begin to imagine how grand a celebration Austin is witnessing in Heaven. I feel blessed to know where he is, and I have no doubts that he is indeed sitting at the Fathers side.

*New picture on the photo page* (thanks Uncle Goldfish)

My love to you,
Tina

Saturday, December 6, 2003 8:12 AM CST

Today is that six month mark since Austin earned his wings.

I feel as though he just took his last breathe yesterday and it still seems so unreal. I miss him and words cannot describe the ache that still fills the void in my heart. Lately, I have bumped into many friends that have "Austin stories" for me. They help so much. I love talking about him, it gives me joy to know that you too, were touched by him.

Monday night I went to pick Meagan up from her dads after working my twelve hour shift. I was tired and grumpy. When I picked Meagan up she was ready to put the Christmas tree up. I was not. It was in our storage unit and it was dark outside. None of this bothered her so off we went to get the tree. Our unit is climate controlled so you have to go inside of a building to get to it. Our unit is in the middle. Our tree is in a nine foot box. It is heavy. Boy was I looking forward to this! Anyway, we went through all of this and I opened the unit and my heart stopped. Austins toys from the apartment in Birmingham were just sitting there, as though, at any minute someone would stop by and play. I tried so hard to not let this effect the reason we were there. It was not easy. Meagan had a blast rummaging through his stuff and deciding what needed to go home with us right then. This was bitter sweet. We did get the tree and somehow managed to load it in the van with all of our decorations. It was quite the experience.

Sitting quietly in storage are Austins favorite toys. He LOVED Rescue Heros and along with Mrs. Linda's help collected every one that was available. He used to mark in the catalog the ones that he did not have and the minute Linda can into the Stem Cell unit he was ready to show her which one he would love to have. Somehow, someway, the next day, she would produce the special one he wanted. He treasured those toys and he treasured Mrs. Linda. I know that he watches over her everyday. Today, I will bring home his treasured things and put them in his room so that others can love them when they come to visit. One day, many years from now, Meagan can give them to her children to tresure.

God truly, truly blessed all of us with love and support throughout our journey. Now it is our turn to bless others. Many of Austins toys were never played with because he did not live long enough to play with them. This Christmas other boys and girls are going to have presents on Christmas morning to open because you cared enough to bless Austin. Thank you for loving us.

May God bless you today and touch your heart in a very special way.

Love, Tina

Saturday, November 22, 2003 10:38 AM CST

Good morning my friends,

Meagan and I are doing "good", just busy with school and work. She is happy and growing taller everyday. I cannot wait until school is out for the holidays though, so we can slow down!

I have not logged on to Austins site in a while. I don't know if it is lack of energy or enthusiasm. I miss Austin more every day and it seems to weigh heavy on my heart at times.

Through a great deal of tears I have tried to overcome some of the challenges that tend to pop up in my life. As Thanksgiving approaches, I am trying to find the blessing that tend to hide deep within during times of struggle. For me, I know that I have to find the blessings and gifts in my life so that I don't drown. I have learned coping skills to help navigate my life in a positive direction instead of a negative downhill slide. Here is my list of Thanksgivings:

(1)My faith: even when I'm mad at God I know that He is near

(2)Coping skills: they really work

(3)Meagan: what more can I say

(4)I get to work on Thanksgiving (yuck): at least I have a job

(5)Family and friends: you love me unconditionally

Thank you for loving me, supporting me, and letting me just be me.

God bless your holiday.

Love, Tina

Friday, November 7, 2003 8:40 AM CST

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breaths away".

God bless your weekend.

Love, Tina

Wednesday, November 5, 2003 9:03 PM CST

Time...

Tomorrow marks the fifth month since Austin went to be with our Lord. At 3:20 tomorrow I will take in a breathe and remember Austins last one here on earth. Often, it just doesn't seem real that he is actually "gone". My heart still aches as I replay that last day, that last moment, that last everything. I remember telling him that it was okay to go home and be with Jesus, that mommy and daddy would be there soon. Now, when I think back it seems insane to encourage someone to "go home" BUT I knew that my precious angel was going on ahead of me to a much better place. I just miss him so much. Time stands still at times and moves too fast at others.

Thank yous and more...

I have started trying to focus on writing notes of thanks and gratitude but I am slow at best. I have never been able to sit down and write a generic note to anyone so please have patience with me. Many of you have said not to send one but I need to do this for me. You impacted our lives in such a way through your love and compassion for a little boy that many of you never had the opportunity to meet. He was such a grand little man. He loved every card, letter, and toy that was sent to him.

My purpose...

I have no clue why God allowed our family to journey through such a heavy load this past year and I am trying to find "my way" so to speak. The families of two different patients on different weeks gave me the book, The Purpose Driven Life, and I have started reading it. It is a wonderful book and I highly recommend it. Maybe I will hear God whisper where I am going in this journey called life.

Mommy, momma, mom...

I never tire of hearing Meagan call out to me for whatever reason. She is doing well, living in the moment, and growing like a weed. I hug her as much as I can. I cherish carpool, and I love homework time. I have never held a greater title than "Mom".

God bless your night.

Love, Tina

Sunday, November 2, 2003 10:17 PM CST

I made it through this weekend one breathe at a time. Austin is now a beautiful angel in Heaven and there is no better place to be. I kept going to the cemetery this weekend and trying to draw strength through my faith. It really does work. I was very sad without him this weekend and I was without Meagan because it was her dad's weekend with her.

So many changes have blown my way lately but I am stronger for having weathered each "storm of heartache" and I know that in time my pain will lessen. On Saturday, I felt this strong desire for change so I chopped my hair off. It felt rather good to step out of my comfort zone and even better when the stylist fixed my handy work. Change can be good!!??!!??!!

Today, our church celebrated "All Saints Day". Austin was reconized with a white rose. It was a bitter sweet proud mommy moment. I am glad that his life touched so many and humbled by the experience but I would much rather have him here.

I thank you for continuing to keep us in your prayers. We need them so much. Please continue to pray for all of Austins friends that still battle these childhood cancers. One day there will be a cure.

Our friend, Andrew, needs our prayers now too. He is having terrible migraines and no one has found the source of the problem yet. Please pray for the doctors, nurses, and others that have a hand in finding the cause.

Love and Blessings,
Tina

Friday, October 31, 2003 6:18 PM CST

Memories.........

Last year, Austin and I did our Trick or Treating at Children's Hospital. He was The Harry Potter. He did not feel 100% that day but he kept on smiling. Today I trying to smile. I miss Austin so much, he was such a blessing.

I thank God for the incredible daughter that I am blessed with on a daily basis. She is such a unique individual and the light of my life. She is a 'woods fairy' tonight along with her American Girl doll, Kit. She is excited to be going through the neighborhoods of Fairhope with her best side-kick, Christine. I am glad that children live in the moment. Sometimes I wish adults could too.

Happy Halloween!

Love, Tina

Friday, October 17, 2003 8:37 PM CDT

Friends,
I am sorry that I haven't updated in a while but I have felt so 'flat' lately. The following letter is one that I received at Austins' visitation on June 5, 2003. It was folded into a square and written on the front in child-like letters was the word "Sissy". I have no idea who gave it to me. It reads:

Sissy,

I wanted to write to tell you not to worry about me 'cuz I'm already in Heaven. Mommy was right, my tummy doesn't even hurt up here--- nothing hurts at all!!! It is so awesome! There really are gold streets and Jesus is everywhere you turn! He is right here now, helping me write this note with his own special pen.

When I got here He took me to a HUGE house that He made just for all of us! It has enough rooms for our whole family and plenty of room for sleepovers! There are pictures of everyone I know on the walls! When I look at them I can see just what they are doing right now! It is like I am in the room with them when I want to be! Isn't that cool?! So, tell mommy that I can keep my promise and live with her forever because she is always nearby!

After I looked at our house, Jesus took me to a huge park and there were lots of kids! Some I knew from the hospital. There were angels singing just for me, they sounded really cool. We don't have amything like that on earth!

I told one to get me some ice cream for the party we were having. She just smiled. Angels are not as easy to boss as other people. But after awhile, she got me all the ice cream I could eat! We had a silly string fight, too! And, there are bikes to ride whenever we want. Jesus said that God likes to watch kids play and that his favorite sound is our laughter! It is so easy to make God smile.

Yesterday, God put a hugh rainbow in the sky. Did you see it? He put it there especially for you and Mommy and Daddy! He said it is so you will remember that He always keeps His promises, like how He said He'd make me better and I am! Guess what else? I got to slide down the rainbow! There isn't any gold there though, so don't waste your time looking for it.

I have the softest bed! It is made of angel feathers and , don't tell mommy, but it is really bouncy!

There are all kinds of animals here, even a dog that looks like Rose! We played frisbee on the beach with her yesterday.

There are lots of friends to play with up here and not too many adults. I asked Jesus why and He laughed and said it's because most adults are still resting. He said that kids can't be still long enough so they just come on up and play with God. God's lap is SO BIG!!! We can all climb up on it and there is still lots of room! It feels really good too!

Jesus is always looking in a book and I wanted to see so He showed me. It is full of names and you don't have to know how to read because when you look at one you see the persons face. I saw mommy and she looked sad, so I wanted to write so you could give her a hug for me.

I asked Jesus if you would all be okay and He nodded. He said that God was taking extra good care of all of you. God gave you lots of special gifts amd said you were going to do some really great things with them! I asked Him where were my presents so He opened this door and I saw a bright red string, and it had all kinds of other strings touching it and going all different directions. There were so many colors, but that red one was the brightest. He said that was me and that my gift was Evangelism (Good thing Jesus can spell!). It means bringing people to meet Jesus. It's like a God super-power. He said my gift was so strong that God is still using it and all of those other strings are people who got closer to Jesus because of me! That means I'm more powerful than Spiderman! He said my string still touches the earth because I'm so strong! See, I really am a superhero and I'm on the best team!

Well, I have to go, Jesus has some more names to write and I'm going to go see the angels. I have something IMPORTANT to tell mommy's angel. Don't be sad. I am really okay and I'm really close by all of the time. Heaven is even better than I ever dreamed about! I love you.

*****
I did not read this letter until about fourteen days after Austin died. I 'happened' upon it and it took my breathe away. I do not know who ""helped"" write this but it continues to touch my heart.

God is good and He continues work miracles. Continue to pray for all of our friends fighting this terrible disease called cancer.

Sweet dreams,
Tina

Sunday, October 5, 2003 10:05 PM CDT

It has been four (4) months [tomorrow] since I saw Austin take his last earthly breathe and I still feel as though the life has been taken out of me. Gosh, I miss him so much. I would love to have just one more hug from him, one more kiss on the cheek, just one more "momma, come snuggle". My heart just keeps on breaking and the ache is so deep. I cannot believe that it has been four months since I last held my little man. I wonder if there will ever come a time when I don't hurt this much.

I spend many nights crying and talking to God about Austin, and also about Meagan. These past few years have been difficult for her and I am so proud of her. I pray for strength for her and also a peace that only can come from God. I look into her beautiful blue eyes and I am amazed at how incredible a gift she is.

Your prayers and love keep us going and hold us tight. Thank you for being so compassionate and understanding. We could not get through a moment without the support of loved ones.

God bless your Monday,
Tina

Thursday, October 2, 2003 8:48 AM CDT

My last entry was not the happiest. I miss Austin so much and some days I have to take a slow deep breathe before jumping into the day.

I am doing well, laughing at the memories that you are sharing with me about Austin. He was such a funny little guy. Meagan and I are finding unique ways to remember him. Our church has set up "the Austin Baker Blue Lake Camp Scholarship" so that children that want to go to camp and don not have the means can go. I was so excited when I found out about this because Austin LOVED Blue Lake. It is such a wonderful place and this past weekend Meagan and I were there for family camp and I could feel Austin running through the woods loving life. Meagan had such a good time and is already planning for next year. I am glad that she is finding joy in her life. She gives me such joy and sunshine.

God continues to hold me in his tender care. He has helped me get through these tough spots. I guess we cannot grow if we stay up on the mountain but Lord those valleys are hard and lonely. I do not like those days. "Growing" is not in my comfort zone.

Today when your children makes you want to 'climb a tree' stop and look in their eyes and smile. It will only last for a short time.

Love, Tina

Thursday, September 25, 2003 11:23 PM CDT

These things I know are true:

You cannot measure grief on a scale of 1 to 10.
Grief has no time restrictions.
The stages of grief can be mixed up.
The place in your heart will never feel the same.
Time does not heal all wounds.

I am as sad tonight as I can be and I know that only time will lessen the load. This grief process is like a merry-go-round. No one could ever take the place of Austin. I have been terribly upset with God lately and I have voiced my opinion about Austin not being here anymore. One day last week I was very angry about something and I started yelling up in the air, "I have had it". (That was one of Austins favorite sayings). I have realized just how faithful God is. He is carrying me even when I feel alone. I still try to find the good in things. Some days are a stretch!!!

Meagan and I are going to Blue Lake this weekend for Family camp with our church. I have not been since the kids and I went two years ago. Austin loved camp and so does Meagan. Another first. I hate these. I would much rather have survivors guilt.

I also miss all of our friends at Children's Hospital. By the way, I have not found my address book from the move so please email me your addresses and phone numbers, please.

God bless your night.
Tina

Monday, September 22, 2003 6:23 PM CDT

I moved my computer to the desk in the kitchen, this way I can get online better.

Meagan and I are enjoying being home together and catching up on lost time. Work is going well, I love the job and being with the patients. This was my first weekend to work and it helped time go by. Weekends when Meagan is with her dad are long and lonely. Coming home to an empty house is hard. I treasure my time with Meagan, she is such a vivacious child.

The empty spot in my heart is still aching for Austin. I would do anything to have him here with us. He would love the room that would be his in this house. He and Rose would have many adventures in this wonderful neighborhood. I still cannot believe he is gone. It just doesn't register. I wish he would just bust through the front door saying "Hey mom, guess what?" Sometimes I wonder if I didn't pray hard enough or long enough for Austins healing. I wonder if I wasn't deserving of such a great miracle. These ideas always come late at night when the house is still and I cannot go to sleep. I know in my heart that God heard my prayers and millions of others but I reach for anything to grab on to. Anything to make sense out of all of this.

I know that God loves me and I know that He did His will in Austins life. Austin was far wiser than his years and he touched many lives in six short years. I know that God will get me through this, and that maybe one day I will wake and the ache will still be there but it will hopefully won't take my breathe away.

Thank you for hanging in there with me.

Tina

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 3:33 PM CDT

My dear friends,

It has been way too long since I updated. My computer has been sitting in a box since before the move and last night my niece put it back up for me. Here is the lastest...

We moved on the 29th of August. It was a great move thanks to Owen Baileys Sunday School class. The outreaching ministry that his class has is incredible and I felt very blessed to have them in my life. These guys had me moved in by around 1:00 and the wives and some of my friends were here unpacking. It was wonderful.

My job at Thomas Hospital started four days after the move so I have been very busy. I LOVE my job as a patient care tech. I am getting out of it far more than I imagined. It is very nuturing for me and I can give back some of what I have received over the past year.

Meagan and I are trying to settle into a new routine and it is slowly getting better. She is very excited in our new neighborhood. There are children everywhere for her to play with, and if you know Meagan, you know that she is not shy at meeting people.

Today was a tough day for me. I have been in orientation at the hospital and today we started going over 'death and dying'. I hit a brick wall and cannot seem to bounce back. I started having flashbacks of my precious Austin on his last day and it was more than I could take. I came home and went to bed and cried for hours. I really didn't know that it would be the little things that would sink my ship but it is. Thomas Hospital is extremely family oriented and thankfully I was in a safe place when I crumbled. (When I was young and planning my life out, I never planned on one of my "five" children to have cancer and pass away). I also planned on having a brown cow, that didn't happen either.

Thank you for your continued prayers for me and Meagan. Time heals, but it sure is slow.

Missing Austin,
Tina

Wednesday, August 27, 2003 6:31 AM CDT

This week is zooming by, and with it, I am overwhelmed with anxiety and excitement. The "big move" is Friday and Meagan and I are very excited. Austin is everywhere I turn and I find myself aching for him, missing him with every ounce of my being. It doesn't seem to get better just worse. My prayer has been for God to ease my grief not disolve it. How do you begin to fill that void that is in your heart?

Oreo, Austins hamster, has struck again. As of yesterday morning, we are the proud parents of 17 baby hamsters! (If my count is correct). Meagan is thrilled, I am speachless. I am going to change her name to Fertile Mertyle.

In the middle of all of this craziness I continue to find God's blessings around every corner. He is ever present, thank goodness.

God bless your day,
Tina

Wednesday, August 20, 2003 8:18 PM CDT

Meagan is in bed and I am sitting in front of the computer trying to put into words how I feel.

Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of Austin's diagnosis. It is still so hard to comprehend that my son was diagnosed with AML and even harder to realize that he died from complications of this nasty disease.

Tomorrow I would like to hold my son, hear him giggle, and chase Meagan around the house with something he found in the yard. Tomorrow we should be taking the day off to celebrate his "conquering" this disease. Instead, I will hold his memories close, listen to his voice in my mind, and remember the last time he chased his sister. It shouldn't be this way.

His room has been packed for the big move (thank you Leslie) and I have been sitting in his rocker sobbing over what should have been. We are taking his things to the new house, Meagan has already picked out "his room" but it is not the same.

My dear firends, I continue to be amazed at the support that is given to us. Either by mail or phone or email you keep praying for us and helping us move forward. I continue to thank God for such an incredible support system. I also continue to thank God for the blessings along the way.

God bless you,
Austins mommy- Tina

Thursday, August 14, 2003 10:25 PM CDT

A promise........

Yesterday morning was the first day of the new school year. Meagan was excited and couldn't wait to get there. I was excited for her. Fourth grade, new friends, old friends, another great teacher, an albino frog in the classroom, and lockers. What could be as exciting? There was one thing missing and I felt it all the way down to my toes. My little man, Austin, should have been here starting first grade. He would have been just as excited as his sister but fussing about tucking in his shirt or having to wear shoes all day. I would have loved the complaints.

I took Meagan to school, kissed her goodbye, and let out a long slow sigh. It was sprinkling and that further made me feel down. I went to the cemetery to "just feel closer to Austin". When I pulled up, the rain had stopped and over Austins grave was the most incredible rainbow. I was so moved by the beauty of it and, once again, God was being so faithful, reminding me of His promise to me. I knew that Austin was probably playing on the rainbow as God was comforting me. I was awe struck. I stood by Austins grave until the rainbow faded and then I said a prayer and drove home. I was so excited that I called my sisters and some of my friends and shared this with them. I felt so happy inside.

God is so willing to share His love with us if we are willing to see it. This does not mean that I am always happy and elated. I have many, many down moments. In fact, lately I have grieved so that I couldn't catch my breathe. One day at a time. Life is not a dress rehearsal, make each day count. (That is my new favorite saying).

Please remember all of our friends that are fighting the fight. Also, please add 18 year old Tina Harrison to your prayer list and Shirley Bosby. Both are new diagnosis'.

Thank you for listening.

Love,
Tina

Tuesday, August 12, 2003 11:29 PM CDT

Meagan starts the fourth grade tomorrow and she is thrilled! We spent some time this afternoon decorating her locker and working with the combination lock she was given. I cannot believe that nine year olds need lockers, and also locks. Where I went to school you didn't need a lock. Actually, I did need one, Coach Walker and Thomas Brantley would get into my locker and eat the dessert out of my lunchbox. My mom started packing extras. My wish for Meagan is that school will be a great learning and growing environment. She has a great teacher, Ms. Miller, and lots of friends in her class. I want this year to be the best yet.

I look at her and cannot believe how fast life goes by. I remember her first day of preschool. I interviewed the teacher as though she were being checked out by the FBI. Now it is the other way around, she talks and interviews everyone. She has such a passion for life.

I have had such a hard time lately. I keep running across things of Austins or pictures of his precious face and it just cuts me into. I miss him so much and at times it takes my breath away. I have spent most of tonight crying. Tomorrow will be another first. He should be going into first grade. Instead, I will go and place some flowers on his grave and send some balloons up for him. I feel like I am outside looking in. Nothing seems right. I don't feel like I really fit anywhere right now. It is like being in a club by yourself. I know that I am not alone and I WILL get through this tough time by it is very hard right now. I hope this makes sense.

Please remember all of our friends that are still facing the ins and outs of cancer, or are struggling right now to fight off this terrible disease.

Love, Tina

Thursday, August 7, 2003 11:50 PM CDT

Today Meagan and I went to Turtle Point. It is the most amazing native learning center that I have seen in a long time. Someone sent memorials in Austins name their so we wanted to go and visit it. I saw butterflys and snakes and lizards and bugs..... and the list goes on and on. It is beside a creek which makes it even more spectacular. I love visiting places like this. It is located in Flomaton Alabama about an hour and fifteen minutes from here.

Meagan and I are trying to make the most of these last few summer days. She seems hesitant about school starting. I cannot imagine what she is feeling but I know that starting a new grade and seeing all of her friends again for the first time since before Austin died is a big deal for her. It is still a big deal for me. She needs lots of love and prayers.

I put Meagan to bed tonight and finally sank into the sadness that I had been feeling all day. I miss my little man. I went to the cemetery this afternoon and his little grave has been sodded and the grounds keepers had arranged his ((things)) very sweetly around the top. It was very sobering. It was one of those reality check moments. It still does not seem real.

The hardest thing for me to do has been to reach out when I am hurting. Tonight was different. I called several very close friends that I knew I could spill my guts to and no one answered. I called both local and long distance friends. Where were you people tonight??? (I promise I am smiling and laughing).

I did talk to some of my dear friends at that very moment that I needed them the most, God always has a plan.

************************************************************
We have several friends that need your prayers. Austins buddy Meagan Bonner has relapsed with some spots on her brain. Meagan is a wonderful girl with a zest for life that I love. She is a gift to her family. We are praying for Gods healing hand on Meagans body. Her family needs our prayers too.

Cliff, my dear sweet young friend, has also relapsed and needs our prayers. Cliff is the most incredible young man that I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. He has the wisdom of a very old soul. His walk with God is far stronger than mine and I am very blessed to know him. Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers also.

Todd is in Boston getting ready for his bone marrow transplant. He and mom, Gail, are far from home and need our encouragement and prayers. Gail was one of my life lines while I was in Birmingham.

As you see, our prayers never stop. There is always a child out there somewhere needing our prayers and support. It makes me sad that these diseases are touching our precious children.

FYI- there is a new childhood cancer car tag. I will include the link for information.

Please keep your own children close in your heart.

Missing my angel,
Tina

Tuesday, August 5, 2003 8:50 PM CDT

Tomorrow is the two month marker of Austins passing. The missing piece of my heart is still hurting, still aching, still wishing that things were different. My goodness, I miss that little boy.

I have not found that time has healed this wound but that it seems to just poke out at odd times, but always, always, I am missing his mischeveous smile. It is at times like these that I realize how lonely "one" can be at times. Meagan is the joy of my life and she makes me laugh and smile even when she is sleeping. I thank God for her.

Life is not easy for anyone, at times, but I realize that through adversity we find grace. Grace... something I have always prayed for in my life. I feel as though I have finally found it. It helps us to climb those mountains that pop into our lives, it helps us to find the top, and finally to sail down the other side. God gives it to us.

Moving... I have been overwhelmed with packing and/or pitching but have been going at a slow pace. I am trying to spend every minute of time I have with Meagan before she starts fourth grade. I cannot believe she is old enough to go!!!

I have decided to start school in January. This will give me time to unpack at the new house and have some time to settle in. I look forward to school. It is time for a new challenge in my life. I love taking care of people and I can fulfill a lifelong wish at the same time.

Thank you for continuing to pray for all of us. We have been through so many changes and we are missing Austin so much. I thank God for such an incredible support system.

Missing my precious Austin,
Tina

Thursday, July 31, 2003 11:02 PM CDT

I woke this morning to the most beautiful day. I was so glad. No storms or overcast skies. Just a beautiful, peaceful morning, God showing me that the sun does shine, even when we feel as though we will be in the dark forever.
I am okay, just sad. Meagan and I went on an adventure with some friends today and enjoyed every moment of it. We found a pet store and Meagan was thrilled. If we look at things through the eyes of a child it takes on new meaning.

"There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots; the other, wings."
Hodding Carter, Sr.

Thank you for your prayers.

Love...Tina

Thursday, July 31, 2003 0:00 AM CDT

Hi friends,

The weeks keep on passing by but my heart seems to only ache more and more. I miss my little guy so very much. i cannot comprehend that he really is gone.

I started grief counseling and it seems to help...some. The biggest thing that is going to help is just time, and lots of it.

I lie awake at night thinking about the last hours I had with him. He was very brave and loving. He would doze and then awaken to make sure that his dad and I were there. We never left his side. When his breathing slowed down I knew that he was preparing to meet Jesus. I sat beside him, holding his hand and telling him how proud I was of him and what an incredible son he was. I looked away for a moment, and there standing over Austin, at the head of the bed was Jesus, holding his hands out. (It was a beautiful sight but it didn't quite register at the time). I looked back at Austin and he took one last breathe and was gone. Time stood still after that. I started sobbing because no matter how prepared you think you are, there is nothing to prepare you for the loss of your child.

I was fortunate to be able to hold Austin and rock him and talk to him for a long time. There was no rush, only time standing still. Austin was a sweet little boy, I know that he is in Heaven, and as much comfort as this brings me, I still hurt.

I am lucky that I saw our Saviour coming to walk with Austin. I feel blessed to have had a moment like that and I know that my faith in Christ helped me through those next few days.

Here comes the BUT...

I am not always happy and jumping for joy. When you see me and I am smiling, it is because that is what I feel. On the flip side, I cry and feel sad at other times. My evil twin came out the other day and I screamed at God and told him what I thought about not having my son with me anymore. I have thrown things, I have yelled, and I have felt like I was going to explode. (Yes, I have issues!) :-}

Tonight is just a night that started out great and landed hard! Tomorrow is another day. I look forward to spending time with Meagan. We are going "hunting for treasures".

Treasures: my daughter, my God, my friends, my family, and my since of humor. It is all in the eye of the beholder.

God bless your day!
Tina

Thursday, July 31, 2003 0:00 AM CDT

Hi friends,

The weeks keep on passing by but my heart seems to only ache more and more. I miss my little guy so very much. i cannot comprehend that he really is gone.

I started grief counseling and it seems to help...some. The biggest thing that is going to help is just time, and lots of it.

I lie awake at night thinking about the last hours I had with him. He was very brave and loving. He would doze and then awaken to make sure that his dad and I were there. We never left his side. When his breathing slowed down I knew that he was preparing to meet Jesus. I sat beside him, holding his hand and telling him how proud I was of him and what an incredible son he was. I looked away for a moment, and there standing over Austin, at the head of the bed was Jesus, holding his hands out. (It was a beautiful sight but it didn't quite register at the time). I looked back at Austin and he took one last breathe and was gone. Time stood still after that. I started sobbing because no matter how prepared you think you are, there is nothing to prepare you for the loss of your child.

I was fortunate to be able to hold Austin and rock him and talk to him for a long time. There was no rush, only time standing still. Austin was a sweet little boy, I know that he is in Heaven, and as much comfort as this brings me, I still hurt.

I am lucky that I saw our Saviour coming to walk with Austin. I feel blessed to have had a moment like that and I know that my faith in Christ helped me through those next few days.

Here comes the BUT...

I am not always happy and jumping for joy. When you see me and I am smiling, it is because that is what I feel. On the flip side, I cry and feel sad at other times. My evil twin came out the other day and I screamed at God and told him what I thought about not having my son with me anymore. I have thrown things, I have yelled, and I have felt like I was going to explode. (Yes, I have issues!) :-}

Tonight is just a night that started out great and landed hard! Tomorrow is another day. I look forward to spending time with Meagan. We are going "hunting for treasures".

Treasures: my daughter, my God, my friends, my family, and my since of humor. It is all in the eye of the beholder.

God bless your day!
Tina

Thursday, July 24, 2003 10:41 PM CDT

My journal entries must read the same each time I update...
We miss Austin but we are doing okay.

Tonight I miss him even more than usual (if there could be such a thing). I have been sick for the past few days and feeling too yucky to really accomplish anything. I lie in bed and think of my little man and all of the things that we would be doing if he were here. Meagan and I are doing these things but we miss him. We keep on going. Austin would want us to do that and we are much to young to wither away.

I have thought about all of the changes that have come through this household over the past few years. We began as a family unit of four. Later, our family dynamics changed. The table was set for just three each night. We had to get used to it but we found our way. After a while, life began to feel normal again. Now, two years later it has changed again. A few nights ago, I asked Meagan to set the table and she did. When I looked over at our table I realized that we were down to just two places. The table looked empty. It made me sad.

I miss his hugs so much. He had a way of making you feel so much from one simple gesture. I have learned much from my little man and I know that as God carries me through this jouney and opens another door, I will fly as I have never flown before. My son helped me realize that even if you were a grown-up you could gain strength to soar.

Find your wings, God will help.

Missing my little man,
Tina

Friday, July 18, 2003 10:04 PM CDT

Some of our "extended family members" will be at Camp Smile A Mile this weekend and/ or next week with Ms. Linda and I am asking for special prayers for each of them.

Austin wanted to go to camp when he was well and do all of the fun things that you do there. His friends are going and I know that he is cheering them on.

Amber is going and needs prayers for strength and healing. She has been feeling bad lately.

Taylor is going with his parents for Tots & Tikes camp. I pray that he feels well during his overnight stay, and I pray Kim and Jim have the energy to keep up with him!!!

Dr. Nicole is going to be the camp doctor next week for 50+ teenagers. Bless her heart.

As always, we pray for Linda. She has a gift of reaching out to others and making them feel safe. I know these kids will enjoy being with her.

Prince Eric, aka Dr. Gracis, we thank you for being such an asset to the Camp Sam team.

May each of you feel the prayers that are going up for you and may you have the time of your life this next week.

Love, Tina

Thursday, July 17, 2003 10:48 PM CDT

Another day without Austin..........

Last night my niece and I tried to catch lightening bugs. It was 11:30 p.m. and we were in the middle of the street trying to catch these invisible creatures. It was fun and I felt like a child. It was a good feeling. When Meagan goes to spend the night with her dad, my nieces think I need company. We stayed up way too late.

It was good to feel like a child again. I felt peaceful. This morning was different though. I dreamed that Austin had just died and when I woke up I felt as though I was missing a piece of me. I realize that I am, but he is never far away. I am grateful that I know where Austin is.

These past few years have been very hard for me. I have lost alot. In the midst of all of this, I realize that Austin left me a gift. He taught me to laugh in the face of fear and to spread my wings and fly. He taught me not to be afraid to fly. Thank you my little man.

I am starting back to school this fall. This is something that I have wanted to do for awhile. Now, I feel, is the right time. I am going to finish nursing school. Maybe, one day I will be able to help others in ways that we were helped. Hopefully, I can give back at least a fraction of what was given to us. Being in a hospital is hard and all of our nurses both in Birmingham and at Thomas Hospital became our family. We shared good times and bad times with them and they were a great source of comfort during the longs days.

I appreciate your kind words and your love for our family. We are going to make it, it just is going to take a lot of time. The pain from this terrible loss will never go away but I pray that with time it will lessen.

Missing Austin,
Tina

Monday, July 14, 2003 10:37 PM CDT

A day without Austin....

these days are happy, sad, lonely, and peaceful. (Not in that order or all in the same day). Today has been busy, running errands, delivering hamsters, trying to stay dry from the rain... and cleaning up cedar chips that the hamsters throw out of their cage. (Love those hamsters)! They really are cute and Meagan adores them. Anyway, tonight I went in Austin's room to sweep up the cedar chips and give orders to my daughter regarding where the hamsters are supposed to be- she thinks Austins room is a great nursery. I was vaccuming and picking up toys and cleaning his little desk when I felt very much aware of my surroundings. I opened Austins desk and there was his favorite little treasures inside. Pieces of this and that poked inside along with a paper from his first week of kindergarten. My breathe caught as I picked it up to look at it. It felt like Austin had just left the room. All of his things here and there, just sitting and waiting for his return. I stopped and just tried to take in every part of his room. Memories are etched in my mind forever. He never really slept in his room, he always seemed to end up in my bed snuggling. I am very grateful that I let him. I have no regrets. His room was used to play in, do time out in, and he loved to use his window as an escape route when he was in trouble. My wonderful little boy, I miss him so much.

The rumors are true, we are moving at the end of August. This house needs more money and time put into it than I have or desire to have. We will be in a neighborhood with many of her school friends. I am so glad. She is very excited though she said there is a small problem. All of these friends are boys!!! She is pondering how it will be. I figure she will be thick as theives with them within a week or so. We move end of August. Meagans best bud Cam (Planet Zoltoid) will be missed by both of us but we just found out that he is in her class again this year. They will still be connected. He is like a brother to her. The day that Austin passed away she went looking for him for her comfort. They played in mud puddles for an hour and then came inside and went and played in Austins room. It seemed to help her find some peace. She has been doing really well and I am thankful for this.

I have found that there is no rule book for grief. Everyone goes through it at their own pace and with their own rules. I can be okay one moment and very sad the next. Time has not made this any easier, I miss him more with each passing day.

God bless your night,
Tina

Friday, July 11, 2003 6:50 PM CDT

Meagan and I have been out of town this week, making new memories, and remembering old ones.

Our friend Amber sent me a video that she made while visiting Austin many times during our visit to Stem Cell. I was thrilled to receive it and will cherish it forever. I tried to watch it before Meagan left for her weekend with her dad but she was not real interested. She is now gone and I spent some quiet time watching it. My precious child was on video the day after his "new birthday" in January. I was amazed at how wonderful he looked. He was playing with Amber and her sister, Megan, and chatting away. I listened to his voice and melted. In part of the video I leaned down and kissed his bald head. Here in my home, my heart stopped. I cannot express the pain or "longing" I have for my child. The next part of the video was Austin playing basketball with the Stem Cell nurses. He had on his super hero cape that Amber and a friend made him. He was singing and laughing and being 100ustin. That was videod on April 1. He looked incredible!!! I cannot comprehend that two months and five days later he would leave this earth to go to his heavenly home. I feel so empty inside and so very lonely.

The only thing that works when I feel this bad is to turn to God. I know that He knows how I feel because He watched His only son being nailed to a cross. He knows my pain and gets to hear me verbalize my heartache and also the anger that comes. I am so lucky to have had Austin for six years but I really would have prefered sixty or so!!! I miss him.

I continue to thank God for all of my friends. Even if we never met, you still prayed for Austin and his family. I am blessed with the out pouring of love. Thank you.

Missing my little man,
Tina

Sunday, July 6, 2003 8:27 PM CDT

I come to Austins website to find comfort just as most of you do. I want to feel connected and I love the memories you share with me. Austin has touched many hearts and I am so proud of him. At this moment, I would trade it, though, just to hold him and kiss him one more time. I miss him so much and my heart is breaking tonight. I am clinging tight to God for strength and courage, without Him I could not get through this. Meagan blesses my socks off. She seems happy and content. The hamsters are ready to go to their new homes now and Meagan is being very brave about it. I gave in and let her keep one of the babies. I believe she is going to be a hamster farmer!

When Austin passed away, I was able to sit and hold him and rock him for a long time. I sang some of the songs that I sang to him when he was younger, I kissed his sweet face and I thanked God for allowing me to be his mother. I cried and cried because my baby was gone from here. I tried to memorize every detail of him so that I would never forget. Today I picked up some "mystery film" that was ready and when I opened the first package there he was looking at me. It was bittersweet. It was taken on the day he rode the bus to school. He was smiling brightly, very proud of what he was doing. That day came back, every detail, every memory, every tear. I realized that I will forever remember his sweet little face, every demple, every scar, every twinkle. God blesses us with the ability to take the time to do this. I am grateful for this.

I still miss him though.................

Love,
Tina

Tuesday, July 1, 2003 11:11 PM CDT

Austin's hand used to fit right inside of mine. He would spend several moments at bedtime trying to get just the right fit. I can close my eyes and picture him close to me doing this. To get me to come to bed he would say "Snuggle mommy". I miss hearing those words. I miss his soft new hair that had grown back, he had the softest little spot that I loved to nuzzle. My goodness, I miss him.

Tonight, I went walking with a friend. We walked along the bay. It was beautiful, the sunset picture perfect. There were swirls of color all over the sky. I could just imagine my son 'cloud hopping' with all of his friends. He is in heaven and I know that he is wonderfully happy. Mommy, on the other hand, is sad. There are no words to describe the spot that is vacated by the absence of my "grand little fellow". Time, I am told, will ease some of this pain.

There is a brown rabbit that visits Austins grave at sunset every night. It is as if he were watching over him. Either that or he loves the fresh flowers!!! I enjoy seeing the rabbit, I feel as though he knows how sad I feel and he comes to say "its okay lady, God is taking good care of him". (No I haven't lost my mind, I have a great imagination.)

Make the time to go sit at your childs bedside. Fit your hand in his/ hers and for a moment just enjoy some uninterupted time being close to them.

God bless your night,
Tina

Monday, June 30, 2003 11:43 PM CDT

Nighttime can be so long. Especially when I cannot sleep. I am thinking of my precious son and missing him. I wish I could hold him just one more time. I wish, I wish... I know that one day I will hold him again. I am thankful for having such a treasure in Meagan. She can fill a room with sunshine the minute she walks in.

Please continue to pray for our friends that are still living with this terrible disease or one like it. I love all of these children and my heart is filled with hope for them.

Thank you for your prayers and kind words. It is warming to read them on nights or days like this. I am glad to call you my friends and I thank God for each of you. Grief can be so overwhelming at times. There are no rule books and no time restraints, only a place in your heart that feels sad, empty. I know that God is carrying me through this time in my life and I can feel His presence.

Love,
Tina

Monday, June 30, 2003 8:13 AM CDT

Good morning friends,
The weather in Fairhope is wet. It is a good day to stay in and snuggle with a movie. I look forward to a slow day. The past few weeks have been full of 'rushing out of the house' for this and that.

Three weeks ago I said one last goodbye to my precious son. It seems as though it were a lifetime ago. I miss him terribly but manage to laugh and smile and get through the day. Some days are better than others. Sometimes I feel an overwhelming rush of emotion and I am lost in grief. Austins life was such a gift, as is Meagans, and I can see him everywhere I turn; paint on the floor, army men that seem to hop out of hiding just in time for me to step on one, and hamsters, hamsters, hamsters. The hamsters are a gift for Meagan. She is enjoying them so much. It will not be easy when she has to give them to there new owners.

I need to apologize for not returning telephone calls lately. Sometimes the phone becomes very heavy. I am trying to make a better effort. Please have patience with me, Meagan and I are both trying to find our way.

God bless,
Tina

Tuesday, June 24, 2003 7:01 AM CDT

Life still goes on...

I think of Austin every moment of the day, some moments are easier than others. I laugh, I cry, I keep going. Meagan is doing well. VBS started yesterday and with a great deal of encouragement see went. She enjoyed it, she just likes being at home. I don't blame her, she hasn't been here in almost a year. I am still amazed at how much time we were in Birmingham. My dear friend Linda packed up the apartment for me this past weekend and I am so grateful. I could not have done it. I cried just thinking about it. The apartment was 'home' for us for so long.

This morning I was making a "to do list" and looked down at the drawing on the memo pad. It was of a little boy carrying a backpack. The caption read "Lord, if this load gets too heavy, will you lift it up?". I am reminded of the incredible fight Austin put up to stay cancer free. His tummyaches became too much and God took them away for my brave little one. As much as I miss him, I am glad to know that we have a loving heavenly father that takes our load when it becomes too much.

Remember our friends still fighting the fight: Amber, Tyler, Alexis, Joshua, Todd, Emma, Heather, Matthew...

Love...Tina

Thursday, June 19, 2003 9:21 PM CDT

Hi friends,

Meagan is gearing up for Harry Potter PJ party tomorrow night at Page and Palette bookstore here in Fairhope. We will venture out "dressed ofr bed" at 11:30 p.m. I sure wish Austin was here, he would be ecstatic!!! I don't think I will ever get used to doing things without him. I am so thankful for my daughter.

I read your guestbook entries and cried (and smiled). I am so glad that Austin was able to help others with his courage and strength. My walk with God has definitely gotten stronger. If I could wish him back he would be sitting in my lap right now but where he is "there are no more tummy-aches".

Please pray for our little friend Taylor Watts and his family, as they are in NY right now having treatment. Also, our friend Todd has relapsed (ALL) and will be traveling to Boston soon for treatment. Cancer still hits and still makes us sad. I continue to pray for a cure.

Love.........Tina

Tuesday, June 17, 2003 10:21 PM CDT

Not a moment goes by that I don't think of Austin. This afternoon I was cleaning out a drawer and found the pictures from the surprise party that Austin had for me. The pictures show a little boy with no hair but the most incredible grin on his face. He was so proud of what he had done for his mommy and I cannot put into words how touched I was, and still am. I remember that day and will treasure the memories for a lifetime. He had even made gift bags. (I love you Ms. Jennifer for your help)! As I looked at the pictures today, all I could do was cry. My heart aches for him so much and I miss him desparately. I wanted to call someone but it dawned on me that there is nothing anyone can do to "fix" this. Austin is gone and only time will heal my heart. I find myself walking around the house saying over and over in my mind "I am going to be okay, God is going to help me get through this". I do believe this and I cannot imagine how anyone could do this without God. I have no doubt whatsoever about where my son is!!!

Meagan is Meagan, going through life without a care in the world. She is lost without her brother and my heart breaks for her. She is such a beautiful child both inside and out and I want to take her hurt away. She asked me why God picked her brother to get cancer and die. I silently said a prayer for guidance before I answered. It is hard to answer some of her questions. (She has just come in and plopped in my lap so I will go).

Sweet dreams,
Tina

Sunday, June 15, 2003 10:54 PM CDT

Seven years ago today I told Jimmy that we were going to have a new addition to the family. We were having a baby. Nine months later and weighing 9 lbs 3 oz Austin arrived. Now seven years later, that child is in Heaven.

Jimmy and Meagan shared Fathers Day together today and had a wonderful time (as she told me) but I cannot imagine the void he must have felt with his little buddy not by his side. I respect Jimmy's privacy and do not mention him on Austins webpage much but today is different. Austin Baker loved his dad very much and they were very close. I prayed that Jimmy and Meagan would be able to "feel Austin with them" as they made some new memories together. There will be so many "firsts" all over again. Austin will always be remembered and missed.

My daddy came home from the hospital on Friday and is doing much better. He is very sad and I know that he has had no closure with Austins death. I wish I could make things better for him but it is going to take time. He was not there to say goodbye. My sisters and I spent the day with him. Family is so important!!!

God WILL get us through this. Right now it is hard to see this but I know that in time the pain and hurt will lessen. Or so I'm told. Last night, Meagan and I went to Target. (Mistake #1). I was picking my daddy out a card when it hit me that Austin would not be here for Fathers Day. I started sobbing and felt like my world was caving in. My heart was breaking all over again. When the moment passed, my daughter appeared. She was by my side doing a sales pitch for some toy she couldn't live without. Life, it changes second by second. I am so thankful for Meagan for many reasons. I love that little girl (not so little, shes 9) and I love spending time with her. She does not leave much time for getting down in the dumps. Her zest for life is too strong. She misses Austin but I don't think she has fully accepted the fact that he is gone. She lets a little bit at a time in. The hamsters help!!! All thirteen of them!!!

I thank you, my friends, for you prayers and phone calls. Your support is incredible.

Love, Tina

Friday, June 13, 2003 11:21 PM CDT

My dear little man............
I miss him terribly. I see him everywhere I turn. He is squirting water guns when it rains, and he is chasing butterflys when the sun is out. I cannot comprehend the fact that he has gone.

It does not seem like it has been a week since I have held my precious child but it has been. Time is going by fast and, it is slowly crawling by. (It depends on the hour of the day). Tonight I saw such an incredible view of the moon and I had to think that God must have let Austin pick it out.

I thank God constantly for my faith and that one day I will again hold my son. I know that this is true but I still feel very sad at times. My walk with Christ has changed since Austin was diagnosed. I am more aware of my actions and I truly want to do Gods will because I know what the final reward is...heaven.

A friend of mine came over tonight to sit with me (Meagan is with her dad). I was trying to verbalize just how much my heart ached and then it dawned on me. Can you imagine how God's heart ached when He saw His son nailed to a cross? And all of this was done for me... and you. Wow.

Meagan is doing okay. She seems to let just a little a day in (emotion wise). There are no rules for grief. You just make them up as you go along. I am glad that she is so very verbal. It will help her to get her feelings out. Please continue to pray for my sweet girl. She is trying to be so brave. My children, my hearts!!!

One day at a time,
Tina

Tuesday, June 10, 2003 5:28 PM CDT

My heart is both touched and numb as I sat and read your entries. You, my friends, will always be a special part of my life. I feel so connected to each of you and I will keep Austins web page up for a while, for me, so I can feel that special connection.

Today has been a day of total numbness. I see Austin everywhere I turn, this is a good thing, but also a lonesome feeling. I want to hear his voice call out to me over and over again.

We are okay...moment by moment.

Love, Tina

Sunday, June 8, 2003 10:30 PM CDT

Today I was reminded of how incredible Austin's life truly was. So many friends and loved ones came to express support and condolences for the loss of such an incredible little boy. He touched so many lives in his own short stay on earth. This makes it a little more bearable to be without him. I rejoice that he is no longer having tummy aches and that he doesn't have to worry about his central line getting in his way anymore. He is running threw the clouds and dancing in the sunshine. He is smiling and giggling and giving orders. I am so proud of my son and I have no regrets. He is runnning around doing everything he loves to do. I just miss him so much and my arms ache for his little body. He was so sweet and cuddly (on his own terms) and I will forever miss his touch.

My wish for you, my friends, is that you don't blame God for this disease. God did not cause Austin to get cancer BUT He did use it to glorify His name. Austin fulfilled this. It is evident in your words of kindness. Remember that God loves us and never leaves us. He will comfort us in our darkest hour... and right now it feels very dark.

All my love,
Tina

Saturday, June 7, 2003 9:52 AM CDT

Friday, June 6, 2003 7:03 PM CDT

At 3:20 p.m. this afternoon, my precious little man went home to be with Jesus. My heart aches, and I feel so very lost, but I know that my baby is finally free and will never have pain again. He fought so very hard and in my heart of hearts I know he won.

I will post arrangements when I know them.

Thank you for loving my son and I continue to ask for prayers for Meagan.

Love...........Tina



Dear Friends,

Visitation will be at Fairhope Funeral Home- Sunday 3 to 5:30 PM.

Funeral will be at Fairhope United Methodist Church- Monday at 11:00 AM.

God Bless you,

Uncle Goldfish

Friday, June 6, 2003 7:03 PM CDT

At 3:20 p.m. this afternoon, my precious little man went home to be with Jesus. My heart aches, and I feel so very lost, but I know that my baby is finally free and will never have pain again. He fought so very hard and in my heart of hearts I know he won.

I will post arrangements when I know them.

Thank you for loving my son and I continue to ask for prayers for Meagan.

Love...........Tina

Tuesday, June 3, 2003 7:35 PM CDT

Hi friends,

Today has been one of those lazy days where you sit around waiting for it to rain. Austin and I watched TV and cat napped throughout the day. His platelets are low so he is going to get some tonight or in the a.m. He is also going to get some blood. He is worn out from his adventures over the past few days. Today he sent me and Mrs. Cindy (world famous babysitter) all over town for food for him. It was well worth it. He is something else.

I do not know what kind of picture I paint when I talk about Austin. He is not jumping up and down in bed and eating candy all day. He is weak at times and grumpy. He hurts to move around alot but....he is still filled up with life. He laughs and yells, orders everyone around, and gives special snuggles at night. He is still my hero, my spirit filled little boy that makes me laugh and lose my mind, all at the same time. Even though his white count is too high, he is still here, taking on every challenge that faces him. God is not finished with Austin here on earth. I would love another 90 years with him, and I pray for a miracle daily, but my child has taken on a meaning for life that I am grateful for being a part of.

Love, Tina

Monday, June 2, 2003 11:04 PM CDT

Austin was able to go down to Orange Beach and spend some time at the condo today. (No, mom, he wasn't out in the sun!). He watched movies and cat napped, but it was what he wanted to do. Meagan and Christine went with him and it was good for him. He has had several pain free days and I am so grateful for this. He has been learning how to "turkey call"- you should be there!!!

Last night, he and I layed in his bed and snuggled for a long time. He asked me some questions about Heaven. I answered them to the best of my knowledge. He seemed pleased with my answers. He has great plans for Rose, his golden retriever, when she reaches Heaven!!!

His questions really prompted my own needs and desires. I look forward to many great things in Heaven. I also look forward to the simple things in Heaven. People will not talk behind your back in Heaven, they will not judge you, they will not act like they are something they aren't. When you arrive in Heaven you are equal to one another, just as God wants us to be here on earth. I have seen so many different things over the past year, and have heard things that really pull at my heart. I have been blest with many new friends that I will always hold dear, and God has truly shown me who my "true" friends are. I am not perfect, far from it in fact, but with each new day I try really hard to be better than I was the day before.

Tomorrow, before you get out of bed, pray for those that you have wronged, and try to compliment four different people throughout the day. You will feel better for having done this.

Sweet dreams............Tina

Sunday, June 1, 2003 4:32 AM CDT

Good morning friends,
I hate when I cannot sleep but instead of lying there, I got up, called and checked on Austin, did some stuff around the house, and talked with God. I spent the night with Meagan, here at home, knowing that she needed some normalcy. She is sleeping comfortably in my bed. (That may be the reason that I can't sleep). Austin is having a restful night, no fever, just sleeping and dreaming. I wonder what he dreams. My dreams for him are many, I know that our dreams cross paths somewhere in the night. I miss him when I am not with him and my arms ache when I reach over at night and don't feel him there.

I have this little 'flip book' in my kitchen. I flipped it over this morning and the thought was very appropriate for my mood:

"O God, help us not to despise or oppose what we do not understand". William Penn

My grand little fellow is in the hands of a great man and I continue to pray for peace, guidance, and strength. God is leading the way, this gives me peace, but I still drift off course all throughout the day. Your prayers give me peace and comfort. Thank you for continuing to fight, hope, and pray with us.

Love, Tina

Saturday, May 31, 2003 3:54 PM CDT

Finally a chance to update,
Austin is still being Austin, and I now know, he will always have the last word. He has his ups and downs, but is continuing to find strength to play video games and have silly string fights. His white count is very high but his body is ignoring that. He is peaceful and bossy, as always. Meagan camped out with us at the hospital last night and we watched a movie together. They fought over who I would sleep with, so I split my time. They are wonderful siblings and seem to really love and appreciate each other. (I know that my sisters mean everything to me, even though they drive me nuts at times. Trust me, I drive them crazy too.)

My daddy was life-flighted to Baptist Hospital in Pensacola, FL. on Wednesday so I have been running back and forth between the men in my life. (Boating accident). Daddy is out of ICU today and up on the Neuro floor. God has blessed me with His presence and His ability to "make things happen" when they need to. What I mean by this is that Austin was doing well enough for me to leave him with Uncle Johnny and go be with my dad. In fact, Austin loved it. He and Uncle Johnny snuggled and watched hunting videos all day. I am thankful for these rays of sunshine that filter threw on tough days. I hope I can always seek to find something good out of each day.

God bless, Tina

Wednesday, May 28, 2003 12:19 AM CDT

Happy Wednesday,
Austin is home for a few hours. We were able to get a hospital pass for a little while to see how it goes. Austin wanted to come home and see his "stuff" and hang out.
He is snuggling with Rose, his golden, in the sunroom. I moved his bed in there so he would be more comfortable.

He continues to amaze me. His WBC is high but his spirit is higher! (God has been so good to us and I continue to thank Him for moments like these.)

Meagan is doing good. We try to let keep things as normal as possible for her and she has been playing with friends each day. At night is when she wants to be at home. We all are making it, one day at a time.

Thank you for your continued support and prayers. I feel them carrying me.

Love, Tina

Monday, May 26, 2003 11:21 PM CDT

Austin continues to both amaze and strengthen me with his zest for life. He has had a good day, watching TV and catching naps. He looks good and can boss you around in a matter of seconds. Today he decided to try his webslinger out on a nurse we have never had. She came in the room to give him some medicine and he redid her hair with his web. Thank goodness she has grandchildren!!!

Austin has felt good for several days in a row. His counts are not as bad as they have been. All of this gives me hope. I border somewhere between reality and wishful thinking. God has truly given me a miracle with the amount of quality time I have had with Austin and the fact that he is not in alot of pain. I cannot comprehend what it will or would be like to lose a child and I do not want experience it. I try to focus on what is just in front of me. I guess that we all should do this. Somewhere in the bible it says "do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself". That statement is so true. Make each day count for Him.

Austin has been saving his money and trying to decide what he wants. He has wanted everything from a submarine to a ferrot. Several days ago, he told my father that he was saving his money to buy his mommy an engagement ring so that he could show me how much he loves me, and that he wasn't going to ever get married. He said he was going to live with me forever. My heart melted. He presented me with a beautiful diamond ring Friday night. (He had a little help from my aunt and uncle). I have never been prouder or felt more loved than I do right now. This incredible gesture came from the heart of a little boy and I will cherish it for a lifetime. Each time I fell sorry for myself or feel alone I can look on my finger and see the love of my son. Who could ever ask for more?

May God bless you with as much love and tenderness as He has given me.

Love, Tina

Sunday, May 25, 2003 6:09 PM CDT

How about an update....?

I am sorry if I have been unable to return your calls or update like I wish I could. Time zooms by faster than I want it to these days.

My little man is doing quite well. His is feeling good, sleeping off and on, and wanting his playstation. He has also requested a 'webslinger' to use on his nurses. His sense of humor is still there... and so is his fight. He told JoJo (grandma) to sit down and be quiet. When she said "okay I won't talk" he looked her straight in the face and told he "yes you are, you answered me". He sleeps with a bunch of dollar bills bound together with a rubberband. He holds onto it all white knuckled and can feel it while he sleeps. He was asking people "can I see whats in your wallet?" (Only my child would do this).

He has had some not-so-good days and some very good days. I continue to be proud of him for his courage and vibrance. I am thankful to God for giving us these days, this time together. It is very special and we are making memories. He and Meagan are such blessings.

I ask for continued prayers for the staff at Thomas Hospital and Dr. Bishop, as I know that this is trying and difficult for everyone. We miss our friends up north too and continue to thank God for knowing them.

Tomorrow is another day.

Love, Tina

Wednesday, May 21, 2003 3:58 PM CDT

Hi,

Sunday afternoon Austin was admitted to Thomas Hospital. On Monday his port blew. Tuesday morning he had a new line put in. It malfunctioned this morning and underwent surgery again to try and see what the problem was. The surgeon ended up replacing the line with a new one. (I believe my son holds the worlds record for having the most ports in the least amount of time). He has done well with both surgerys and is sleeping this afternoon. Hopefully, tomorrow we will get to come home.

Ten months ago today Austin was diagnosed and our world was rocked. Or so I thought. A new school year had started and tomorrow ends that school year. Time seems to both fly by and stand still at times. Austin has fought such a difficult battle without really knowing how sick he was. I have been and am so very proud of both he and Meagan. As I sit here, feeling very tired and overwhelmed, I cannot help but thank God for the many miracles He has given to our family in such a short period of time. I am in awe of our precious Saviour. I pray daily for strength, wisdom, and grace. I also ask for God's will. I want my son to sit up and say "Gosh, I feel great, lets go ride bikes." I still ask for miracles.

For all of Austins nurses, you will be glad to know that he is breaking in his new nurses. He bosses them, yells at them, and tells them never, ever to come back in his room. This morning he held class on how to draw blood from his arm. My son, he makes me smile.

Thank you for your continued prayers and support. They mean so much to each of us.

I love you,
Tina

Saturday, May 17, 2003 10:15 PM CDT

New Photos Downlaoded!!!

Hey friends,

I finally have my two little people in bed so I thought I would update a bit. Austin continues to amaze me with his courage and strength. He woke up this morning feeling great and came walking into the sunroom, bright eyed and bushy tailed. He stayed happy throughout the day but tonight he was very tired. I am not keeping him in a bubble but I am trying to keep him less active. He is enjoying his new playstation games that he received for his graduation. Harry Potter, his newest game, is keeping us busy.

He is still fever free, thank goodness, and is able to receive his antibiotics at home. We have a home health nurse that checks on us daily and I have learned how to give the meds. through an IV pump. He is glad to be back home.

I am soaking up every moment of my time with he and Meagan. I am glad that the school year is winding down, it gives all of us more family time. If I have not been able to talk when you have called, or I have not been able to return your phone call, please forgive me. Things have been hectic, and unless absolutely necessary, I don't answer the telephone alot. These times are precious and I don't want to miss a minute of it. I am not sure why God gave me a child with leukemia BUT I am sure of why he gave me Austin. My life has been touched in ways that I can never explain. I have grown so much from both of my children. I realize that they are on loan from God but I would give anything to hold on to them forever and ever. I pray for Gods miraculous healing for my son and for understanding and strength.

I am so blessed to have such an incredible support system. I hope that one day I can meet each one of you.

Please pray for our friends that are continuing to fight this childhood disease. (Taylor, Todd- out of remission, Alexis, Amber, Emma, Sarah Anne...). I am asking for prayers of guidance and strength and comfort for all of our doctors. This is very hard on them too.

Blessing to you,
Tina

Saturday, May 17, 2003 0:17 AM CDT

Hi friends,

We are home and fever free. Austin was released this afternoon and has been doing well. His energy level is better but we are going to take it easy and lay low.

Today was an incredible day for the Bakers. Austin reached another milestone in his life. Graduation!!! I was so proud of him. We were surrounded with close friends and family. I wish that more of you could have come but we had to play it by ear, according to how Austin was doing. It was a beautiful celebration and the staff at Thomas Hospital were so kind to us.

I will update tomorrow after I have gotten some sleep.
Love, Tina

Friday, May 16, 2003 5:53 AM CDT

Good morning friends,

I am sorry for not updating sooner but we have been busy.

Austin has been admitted to the hospital with a high fever. Last night we found out that his blood cultures were positive for sepsis (blood posioning). He has been sleeping his fever away but doing well otherwise. He is a very brave little man and I continue to be so very proud of him. He will graduate from kindegarten this morning but will do it via the hospital. Ms. Jennifer and Ms. Rhonda came down from Birmingham and will get to be with us on this special day. He had a very restful night and has not spiked a high fever since early yesterday.

I am asking for prayers of peace and comfort, strength and smiles. As always, I am to proud of my son to express it in words.

By the way, Austin baseball stardom was wonderful. Before he threw the ball, he did this fancy windup that I have never seen before. It was priceless!!!

My love to all,
Tina

Tuesday, May 13, 2003 4:09 PM CDT

Hey friends,

Austin rode the bus to school this morning and I was so thrilled for him. Meagan rode with him, only after I bribed her with money. He was up and dressed in his school uniform with a hugh grin on his face. Mrs. Jones, his teacher, met the bus and they painted and did some fun stuff until his school mates arrived at 8:00. I was so proud of him. I took lots of pictures.

Tonight, he is going to throw the first ball out at the Bay Bears game. He is excited about this too.

His appetite is picking up. For breakfast he had crabclaws!!! He has sampled everything he can think of and I am continuing to praise his effort. His energy level is pretty good and I try and get him to have some down time in the afternoon. Even if he doesn't need it I do. His WBC is 5.5 and his platelets are 25. Even though his blood work continues to show some blast I pray without ceasing. God is always with us and I feel His presence all day. My son IS a miracle and I am so proud of him. He has touched my heart and soul with every ounce of his being. His sister has too. They actually did this at birth but my love for them keeps on growing. (If you were lucky enough to see the birth videos, you already know that.)

I am so appreciative of the cards, emails, dinners, and prayers that you have been sending our way. Each day is truly a new start and the great thing is that only God holds the key to how it ends.

Love,
Tina

We miss all of our nurses and docs on both 4 Tower , Stem Cell, and Clinic 5. I treasure each of you. We also miss the "Camp SAM lady" and the "Child Life Specialist", also known as, Ms. Linda and Ms. Jennifer

Sunday, May 11, 2003 7:25 PM CDT

Today has been such a wonderful day. I have seen so many friends that I haven't seen in months. For Mothers Day, my family had our Ya- Ya meeting. We have had such a good day.

I have really watched Austin today. He is tired from such a whirlwind week. (This week we are going to spend down time at home in our PJ's). Though he is tired, his counts are still very good and he looks fabulous. I pray that God will heal this precious child and that he may live a full life here on earth. We will have his blood counts done twice a week so tomorrow night I will post them. I pray that God will remove the blast from his blood and that he will strengthen. Thank goodness for hope. Without it where would we be?

Please remember all of our friends fighting their own war with cancer.

Goodnight,
Tina

Sunday, May 11, 2003 8:42 AM CDT

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!

What a beautiful morning God has given us as we celebrate this wonderful holiday. I am so blessed because this is no normal holiday, unlike Valentines Day...etc. Today is set aside for mommys only.

May your day be filled with all of the joy that can only come from the heart of a child.

I love you my friends,
Tina

Friday, May 9, 2003 6:22 PM CDT

Tonight I will sleep in rain slickers. At around 2 am someone wet the bed. At 5 am, someone wet the bed. Rose was not the guilty party. She is housebroken!!! It was my two sleepmates and, to my amazement, they both slept through each wading pool. Each time I would try and get dry sheets on and move kids around THEY NEVER WOKE UP. When Austin finally got up this morning he said, "Mom, I need a bath, Rose wet the bed". Poor dog.

Austins is having another great day, playing and exploring.

Next Friday, Austin will graduate from kindergarten. I am one proud momma. His teacher, Mrs. Jones is priceless. Meagan had her for kindergarten also and I am so glad that Austins three whole days of school were spent with her!!! In Birmingham, we also were fortunate to have Ms. Ronda for a teacher. She is a gem and could see Austin coming a mile away. He never could get away with playing opossum with her. How fortunate we are to know them both.

Have a good night,
Tina

Thursday, May 8, 2003 10:59 PM CDT

I have tried several times to update Austins site but I could not find the right words. Plus, as we all know, Austin keeps me very busy. By 7:30 this morning he was in his room hammering with real nails and wood. Life with Austin never changes, thanks be to God.

Yesterday was a day that I will never forget. It ranks right up their with Austins diagnosis date. His disease is back, active, full of blast, and taking over. The subtype of AML that Austin has is very rare, it is the same type that our little friend Joel had. It is mean and angry and it is trying to take my sons life. Austins body is not strong enough to undergo any more chemo at the moment and he is not a candidate for another transplant. MD Anderson and St. Jude can offer nothing further. My heart is breaking but I still am lifting Austin up to our heavenly Father. I am blessed to know such a saviour that can heal Austin totally, either here on earth or in Heaven. I want him healed and vivacious and fighting like crazy. I want him to full of life and healthy. These are the things that I ask of my saviour as I look for guidance. I will continue to have hope because that is a gift that God has given us. I am thankful for your continued prayers and all of the support.

Austin reached for my hand at 4 am this morning and it woke me up. I locked our fingers together and gave God thanks for that moment. What special children I have. I get to celebrate a holiday on Sunday that not every woman can, Mothers Day. Each moment in time is a blessing. Please keep praying for us.

We got home last night at 11:00 and Austin was greeted by his best friend, Rose, his golden retriever. Needless to say, we were up until midnight. Rose hopped up in my bed and settled down for a long nap. Yes, my kids and my dog sleep with me. I promised my mother that I would break them all of this terrible habit before they head off to college.

Tomorrow is a new day, filled with hope for a future. Sleep well.

Tina

Tuesday, May 6, 2003 7:44 PM CDT

Hey friends,

I am home and getting ready to leave for Birmingham in the a.m. for clinic. Our plate is full at the moment with travel but soon we can slow down. I am reaching out and asking for prayers for our entire family in the days to come. Tomorrow morning I will meet with Austins team of doctors to decide what the next step in my brave sons life will be. I am scared, weary, and extremely overwhelmed BUT I do know that God will be with me tomorrow and I will feel His peace just as I always do.

Your guestbook entries have pulled at my heart. You are my strength and encouragement and I am grateful. I know that God has special plans for my little man, I just do not know what they are. In time, God will reveal them. In the meantime, I continue to pray and ask for healing.

I have cried most of today and also felt an anger that is undescribable. Our friend, Deanna, received her wings this morning. I am so glad that she is no longer hurting (and gosh what a great place she is now in) BUT I just wish childhood cancer would take a hike. I do not want to here that another child has had to go through such a tough disease. This disease is cruel and mean. I am glad that God is tougher. (: Please pray for her family, I can only imagine the pain that they feel tonight.

Love, Tina

Sunday, May 4, 2003 8:17 PM CDT

Hello friends,

The place we are staying at is called 'Give Kids The World' and the name says it all. It is like staying in Willy Wonkas village. Everything here is beautiful and magical. AND they serve ice cream 24/7. I feel so at peace being here and I have truly relaxed. The children are smiling and giggling until they drop each night. Mayor Clayton, the "town Bunny" came by our villa tonight and tucked the kids into bed. Yes, I took lots of photos. Aunt Tara videod it for me too.

Today Austin went swimming for the first time in 10 months. I did not think we would ever get him out of the pool. He even went down the water slide. We just pretended that he no longer had his double lumen cath!!! He also was allowed to eat strawberries. He loved them. His appetite is slowly, very slowly, picking up. He looks so good and I thank God for this beautiful child. If life were only as simple as this child seems to think it is. Sometimes I think we try to make things harder than they have to be. My brave son only knows how to love life and live life. This is what keeps him going. This is where I draw my strength. God is providing me with such a gift, the opportunity to really take in all that life has to offer. God also is showing me through the eyes of a child that you can never give up. Faith is believing in what we cannot see, but knowing that it is there.

I love you,
Tina

Saturday, May 3, 2003 9:40 PM CDT

We have had a great day today. Meagan went back to the Magical Kingdom and Austin opted for the campground for his adventure. It is amazing how kids are excited about the smallest things. Austin wanted to spend the day riding around in a golf cart. The carts were all rented so he is going cruising tomorrow. Both kids are feeling great. Austins potassium level was up today so he didn't have to have anything done. Yea!!! Tomorrow we sleep in, no labs!

Now to answer a few questions. Austin is feeling well and for this I am thankful. We will go back to Birmingham the day after we come home from Disney. I will meet with Dr. Sande and Dr. Watts to go over different approaches for treating Austin. I have been very pleased with all of our doctors at Children's and have no need to go to another hospital. FYI: St. Judes does not accept children who have had ANY type or kind of treatment from another facility. Austin is receiving excellent care. I wish I wave a wand and make all of this go away but instead we will continue to turn to God for strength and healing. Austin has relapsed but we have not given up on him. I do not know the plans God has for him but I do trust in Him.

Please continue to pray for Austin, and for Meagan, as we start a new journey.

Love, Tina

Saturday, May 3, 2003 10:41 AM CDT

Good morning,

What a beautiful day God has made for us to enjoy today. Meagan has just now gotten out of bed to join the day. Austin was up earlier, making plans for all of us. I do not have his potassium level back yet, but hopefully the docs will call soon. He and his daddy are off on an adventure at the moment. We are blessed with renewed energy for "Buzz" this morning. Jimmy said that everyone at the hospital was surprized to get a visit from "Buzz", decked out in full garb.

Thank you for your prayers and support. I awoke to such a sense of peace this morning. God continues to walk with us, even in Disney.

May God bless your day as much as you have blessed ours,

Tina

Friday, May 2, 2003 8:33 PM CDT

Hey friends,

As Austin tortures Aunt Tara and Meagan, I snuck out to find a computer to update on. (He is dressed in a Buzz Lightyear costume and he has a lazer gun). I am at the main building sitting in someones office doing this. I think that I need to read journal entries and update for my own sanity, and I am overwhelmed by the support you have shown. This place is unbelieveable and the volunteers have been so kind.

We arrived late yesterday afternoon. Austin feel asleep as soon as the plane went up and did not wake again until very late last night. Meagan woke up with tummy trouble yesterday morning and it continued all day. At one a.m. she started throwing up and I had to send Austin to stay with his grandparents at Fort Wilderness. I settled Meagan back down and went shopping for cleaning supplies at two a.m. I cried all the way through WalMart talking to God and asking Him for some understanding. All I wanted was two healthy children and one memorable trip. I am reminded that these are memorable things, just not the ones I want to remember.

Today was great. Meagan and Austin were delighted with the Magic Kingdom. Austin has a passion for roller coasters. It was a great day and tonight we are all ready for an uneventful night.

I have enjoyed every breath taken and every complaint logged by them today. I want time to stand still and let us live in the moment. Austin is doing great, tired but happy. He is still having trouble keeping his potassium level up so I am asking for prayers with this issue. Trips to the hospital each morning are long and he hates taking the potassium pills.

I do not know what our next step with Austin will be. We will go back to Birmingham the morning after we get back from Disney to get our check up. I will then talk with the doctors about what is next. Austin has come so far and God has blessed us tenfold. Only God knows His plan for us. Jerm 29:11.

Thank you for holding my hand.

Love, Tina

Tuesday, April 29, 2003 10:38 AM CDT

Good morning friends,

It is with a great deal of heartache that I share with you our report on Austins bone marrow. He is out of remission and has approximately 30last in his marrow. Anything over 5fter transplant is not good. I cannot put into words just how much my heart is breaking. I am glad that I have such a great support system up here. I have been surrounded with a great source of love since we arrived at clinic this a.m.

MEAGAN DOES NOT KNOW and we will share this with her later. Today Austin and I are coming home, to Fairhope. (Please give us some family time for a day or so). We will be home for only a few days before we will leave for Disney. Dr. Lucas feels that before we go further with any more treatment that Austin should have some fun soooo... Magic Moments is arranging to send us asap!!!

Please remember each of us in your prayers. All of us are hurting and Austin needs us strong for him. Please remember Deanna in your prayers also. She is fighting a tough battle.

God is continuing to hold us in the palm of his hand. He is always faithful and he loves us so very much. Don't ever forget that!!!

Tina

Monday, April 28, 2003 1:09 PM CDT

Hey friends,

Today we are in clinic for white counts and to check his weight. He has lost more kilo's since we stopped the TP feedings so... today we start back on those feedings at a slower rate to make sure his body can tolerate them. Also, his potassium is 1.7 so he is getting some via his IV. Dr. Lucas also did a bone marrow aspirate to check on how his new donor cells are doing. Austin looks great and his hair has come back, darker but still with some blonde mixed in. He is enjoying life out of the apartment. We are trying everything to get him to eat but he is not interested. The only obstacle we have left is eating. I continue to thank God for these blessings.

Please pray for our friend Deanna. She is up on Stem Cell and fighting some tough battles. She and her family need lots of extra prayers to help them through some rough spots.

Once again, I want to thank you for your continued encouragement. I am ready to go home, it's like having spring fever. I miss all of you and I miss Meagan (gosh, how I miss that girl).

Love, Tina

Thursday, April 24, 2003 10:40 AM CDT

Good morning friends,
Austin and I have been in clinic since 4:45 a.m. He has been throwing up since last night at 11 p.m. Since we arrived he has been fine. Smiling, laughing, teasing. It may be his TP line causing the problems. This little guy is keeping me on my toes.

His counts are holding at around 5,800, thanks be to God!

Other than mom being wiped out things seem to be running on course. I pray they don't admit us. They are running test and drawing lots of blood at the moment.

Love to you all- I'll update when we know something.
Tina

Wednesday, April 23, 2003 2:32 PM CDT

Day 100.
Austin is doing great.. We are all hoping to have a visit home very soon. His counts are remaining in the 5000's and he is starting to take an interest in FOOD.

This is being transcribed for Tina via phone line as Tina's computer is still down.

Thank you all for your prayers and continued support.

God Bless you all,

Uncle Goldfish and Nonnie.

Sunday, April 20, 2003 2:14 PM CDT

Happy Easter!!!

This morning was put in my memory book where I keep all of the special things in my mind. The children are loving getting reaquainted and I am enjoying watching them.

Life for us is beginning anew. Austin and Meagan went to a wonderful park late yesterday with me and our friend Mrs. Nena. We had such a good time. Austin played hide and seek, swang, and slide down poles and slides. He was 'normal' and loved every minute of it. Life is so precious.

Today we are at Mrs. Nena's house sharing Easter with her family. It is amazing how God puts people right in your walking path. We are truly blessed and I know it. We are going to hunt eggs soon. The kids are elated.

Sometime today sit and have some quiet time to remember what this day really symbolizes. Jesus laid down His life so that we could live. Today He is with us as He always is.

Remember our friends on Stem Cell and those that have gone to be with our Lord.

Love, Tina

Friday, April 18, 2003 11:33 AM CDT

Happy Good Friday,

We just finished clinic and Austin is doing great. We do not have to be back until Tuesday a.m. We are at the Childrens Harbor right now and the kids are having a blast. Austin is allowed to come over here as long as he wears his mask. What a gift this day is!!!

Wednesday, when Austin and I drove up to the apartment complex, everything was in full bloom. It was bright green and beautiful. Austin stood up and looked around as if he were seeing for the first time. He said, "Mom, is it spring now?" It is amazing how we can take something so beautiful for granted and a child can see through a different set of lenses. (The last time Austin saw the apartment was seven weeks ago and it was cold and wet).

The kids are calling...

Love, Tina

Thursday, April 17, 2003 3:16 PM CDT

Hey guys,

Meagan has arrived and the apartment is exploding with excitement... and yellow foam balls. He has a bow out and is trying to use Sissy and his cousin as target practice. Uncle David and Ali brought Meagan up for me so she could spend Easter with us. We are all so excited to be together as a family again. The kids have not seen each other in almost two months and they are celebrating. To God I am so thankful.

Going outpatient has been overwhelming. I feel as though I have a newborn baby. His TP tube gets cleaned and refilled at midnight and he is up potting at two and at six he starts his day. He was throwing up at 8:30 from the potassium that I put down his tube. His is still nauseous and has a hard time taking his meds but we are getting there. Meagan will be a good diversion and hopefully he will feel like eating soon. The sight and/ or smell of food makes him turn green. We are working with the nutritionist at Children's to try and make steps toward eating. This morning at 10 am. I was in tears. I was still in my PJs and Austin was not wanting me to get a shower. I was tired and grumpy and overwhelmed. It only took about 15 minutes for me to "get over myself" and feel better. It amazes me that in the midst of this wonderful time I was spinning. It finally dawned on me that the only 'problem' I had was that I didn't greet the day with "my morning time with God". If I jump out of bed and don't think about sharing my time with God my day goes crazy.

Not a moment goes by in my day that I don't thank God for my friends. You are wonderful and you have been a big part of my sanity. I hope that as things settle down I will be able to sit down and write every one of you a thank you in person.

Love, Tina


****NEW PICTURES HAVE BEEN DOWNLOADED****

Wednesday, April 16, 2003 7:45 AM CDT

Good morning,

There are moments in life that you never forget: your first kiss, your first dance, when you got engaged, "walking down the isle", and when you are handed your newborn for the first time. These moments wash away sad memories or at least make them less painful. I am blessed because Austin, at this moment, has the opportunity for many more 'firsts'. I thank God for his strength and determination. (Even though he can still drive me nuts at times). Do you remember the first time you tasted honeysuckle? I do.

This morning I am packing up our room, the one we have occupied for the past 7 wks. Today is day 92 post transplant. Austin is gaining speed though we will have to keep doing NG tube feedings for awhile. This is okay, we are one step closer to moving home. Dr. Lucas is sending us to the apartment today. Austin popped up out of bed as soon as Dr. Lucas left and said "Mom, I heard every word". He was beaming. I am elated!!!

Today is another first for us. Thank you God. Please remember our friends who are still fighting to go home, and the parents whose precious children have become angels. I cannot be thankful without remembering how far my little man has come.

Love, Tina

Tuesday, April 15, 2003 10:59 PM CDT

My precious child is finally sleeping. He has had a very busy, active day and is worn out. He even had a date tonight. One of his nurses, Ms. Beth, watched the new Harry Potter movie with him after work. He was thrilled. So was I. I went to see a movie, "How to lose a guy in 10 days", and laughed my way through it. If you haven't seen it, go!!! When I got back I was telling my little sister about the movie when she called. I told her that the movie was wonderfully funny and very sentimental at the end. I told her it make me sort of sad that I didn't have that kind of fairy tale life. Where was my guy, to sweep me off of my feet? Austin, as always, listening to my conversation and the television said, "Hey mom, I am in love with you and I will always, always love you" Out of the mouths of babes!!! Once again, I am reminded of how lucky I am. Unconditional love right at my side, 24/7. God has given me more in the past 8 months than I could have wished for in a lifetime. (In jr. high and high school, I was fortunate enough to have the same boyfriend. He was also my best friend. He knew me inside and out. Once, he sent me flowers with an enclosure that read "To the girl in love with being in love". I still have that card.) He was so right. I wanted everyone to be happy and everyone to love each other. I still feel that way except now I know that it is okay if everyone doesn't share my philosophy or my heart. As long as I believe in myself anything is possible.

As I have said many times, this journey has been long and exhausting, but for me it has changed my life. My faith in God grows so, so strong each day, and I now see things in a different way. Tomorrow may bring disappointment and heartache but God can and WILL bring comfort. I know that our precious Father will never leave me or my family, He will guide us each step of the way. "For I know the plans I have for you", saith the Lord... Jeremiah 29:11

Hold those you love close to your heart.

Love, Tina

Tuesday, April 15, 2003 10:59 PM CDT

My precious child is finally sleeping. He has had a very busy, active day and is worn out. He even had a date tonight. One of his nurses, Ms. Beth, watched the new Harry Potter movie with him after work. He was thrilled. So was I. I went to see a movie, "How to lose a guy in 10 days", and laughed my way through it. If you haven't seen it, go!!! When I got back I was telling my little sister about the movie when she called. I told her that the movie was wonderfully funny and very sentimental at the end. I told her it make me sort of sad that I didn't have that kind of fairy tale life. Where was my guy, to sweep me off of my feet? Austin, as always, listening to my conversation and the television said, "Hey mom, I am in love with you and I will always, always love you" Out of the mouths of babes!!! Once again, I am reminded of how lucky I am. Unconditional love right at my side, 24/7. God has given me more in the past 8 months than I could have wished for in a lifetime. (In jr. high and high school, I was fortunate enough to have the same boyfriend. He was also my best friend. He knew me inside and out. Once, he sent me flowers with an enclosure that read "To the girl in love with being in love". I still have that card.) He was so right. I wanted everyone to be happy and everyone to love each other. I still feel that way except now I know that it is okay if everyone doesn't share my philosophy or my heart. As long as I believe in myself anything is possible.

As I have said many times, this journey has been long and exhausting, but for me it has changed my life. My faith in God grows so, so strong each day, and I now see things in a different way. Tomorrow may bring disappointment and heartache but God can and WILL bring comfort. I know that our precious Father will never leave me or my family, He will guide us each step of the way. "For I know the plans I have for you", saith the Lord... Jeremiah 29:11

Hold those you love close to your heart.

Love, Tina

Tuesday, April 15, 2003 8:52 AM CDT

Good morning friends,
Austin is starting the day with 4,800 white blood cells and 145 platelets. He is doing good, but still not tolerating food very well. We are working on it though. Thursday or Friday Dr. Lucas is going to send us OUTPATIENT!!! I am holding my breath that nothing comes up. This is our 7th week back in... it is time to go. He will send us back to the apartment until Austin is ready to go back to Fairhope.

Austin wants to play a computer game so I will come back later.
Love, Tina

Sunday, April 13, 2003 6:48 PM CDT

Austin is playing his playstation so I thought I would take this opportunity to update. I am sorry that I have not done it sooner but time has gotten away from me.

Nana (my mom) came up Thursday and spent the night with Austin so I could go home a day early for the weekend. (My precious time with Meagan seems to zoom by.) On Saturday, I took her to the Daphne egg hunt with her cousin. She unfortunately did not find the 'golden' egg and she was devastated. She was hot and sweaty and tired and the disappointment was evident to anyone within a 100 yard range. She informed me that life wasn't fair. "No, sweet girl, life isn't always fair", was my comment. I tried to talk to her about all of the golden eggs that I too have not found but the ones I have found were wonderful. Next came the normal questions from my beautiful nine year daughter; why can't daddy go live with Austin, why can't you stay home longer, and why did Austin get cancer, anyway? These same questions are asked quite often and my heart breaks for her. It has almost been 3/4 of a year since this unforgetable journey started.

I remember the day that she was brought over to the Mobile hospital after Austin was admitted. She and I sat on the floor in the hall and I told her what we had learned about her little brother. I told her that he was very sick and had to go to a hospital in Birmingham. Her huge blue eyes seemed to register what I was saying. She asked if we would be gone long. I said I hoped not. Almost eight months later, we are still gone. My heart is stretched as far as it can go, loving two children that mean everything to me. I get anxious for these days to hurry up so we will again be together as a family but I realize that time is a gift. Austin has come so far, and God has shown many miracles to us, through this child. My faith has grown so much. Things have not always been easy but they have been possible with God's help. When I feel lonely or tired, I remember that God promises to stay beside us always. We will be okay.

Austin has a naso-gastric tube in now. They are trying to help his tummy get use to having something in it again. Dr. Lucas stopped Zosyn, his antibiotic, today. If he spikes a fever again, they will pull his arterial line. We are nearing day 100 and he can survive without it. They would do blood counts by drawing blood every few days. One step closer to home. If Austin starts eating well by weeks end, we will be released to the apartment. I can't wait!!!

I love you guys,
Tina

Wednesday, April 9, 2003 9:52 PM CDT

My exhausted son is sleeping soundly now after a day full of playing hard. He looks so good and I am so proud of his endurance. My goodness, he is active, and I am very grateful. I do admit that I miss those afternoon naps, for me!!! We are encouraging Austin to eat but he still gets sick when he sees food. I know that his appetite will be back soon. It is hard trying to push food on Him.

Last week, Austin was out on the unit playing ball when our friend, Amber, and her mom came up to see us. She had a gift for Austin that she and a friend made during spring break. Austin stopped playing long enough to open his gift which was a black cape with the letter "A" on it. He was thrilled and immediately put it on, and then finished his game. The letter that she wrote to him said that he reminded her of a super hero. I was so touched. This loving gift came from a very couragous 13 yr. old. It is a gift that Austin will have forever and it came from one of his peers. Many times I have been touched to the very core by gestures like this one. Even though this battle has been a long one, God has shown us many ways to appreciate each and every day. We are blessed with friends young and old, some I may never meet. I guess what I am saying is that- no matter what the circumstance -God WILL show you (me) the way and give us hope, if we only look around. It may come in the form of a super hero cape or it may simple come in the form of a new day. There are angels all around us.

Our little friend, Wade, age 18 mths., passed away two nights ago. He slipped peacefully away "up to heaven" as we slept through the night. I am glad that he is no longer suffering but my heart aches for his parents. He was a beautiful little boy with blonde hair and a sweet disposition. I thank God "by the bucket loads" for my child, that he made it through transplant and that tonight our only issue is not eating.

Thank you for your continued prayers and concern. I couldn't do it without you.

God bless,
Tina

Tuesday, April 8, 2003 10:32 PM CDT

Today will be a day that will be permanently etched in my mind. Meagan called before school to wish me a happy day and Austin (on his own) planned me a surprise party. It was complete with goodie bags. I came into his room and he had the entire staff hiding in the dark. He even had music on. I have never been so touched in my life. He knew exactly what he wanted and 'coordinated' everything complete with a cake. He even tried to talk them in to a Barbie pinata. Whoever God chooses to marry my son one day will be a very lucky person. His heart is as big as he is.

His biopsy results very NEGATIVE. I love that word!!! When Austin starts eating and gains more strength we will go outpatient again. He has tolerated water fairly well today. One step at a time.

Tonight they started him on a 24 hour round of two antibiotics. While he was down having a CT scan this afternoon, the technician ran the contrast through a pump and one of Austins lumens (from his broviac catheter) exploded. It blew a hole all the way through his left line.(Great risk for infection). (At that moment Shirley McLane didn't have a thing on me). Luckily, Dr. Lucas was able to cut the destroyed part off and put a replacement one on. You might say my birthday went out with a BANG!!!

Thank you for your birthday wishes and for the surprises I received today. I felt very special.

Love, Tina

Monday, April 7, 2003 9:35 PM CDT

Hey friends,

Today has been +83 post transplant. Austin went down for a series of GI tests today and did fine. We are glad there a no plans for tests tomorrow. The doctors found evidence of both gastritis and colitis and he is being treated with medications for this. They took biopsies of several areas and we hope to get the results back within a few days. I am not sure what to hope for so I am sticking with Gods will. Dr. Lucas said it may be good to find some 'graft vs. leukemia'. He said it would help with long term prognosis and cure. He wants Austins body to fight a little in order to fully accept the transplant. Because he had two types or forms of leukemia (AML and leukemia cutitis[sp]) it will help to make this transplant successful. I felt as though he had pulled a rug out from under me. This is so confusing at times.

His counts today are great:
WBC 5.33
RBC 3.49
Platelets 112

While Austin was paying with Ms.Jennifer today I went over to 5 Points South and walked around with a cup of coffee. It felt nice to be outside. I started feeling lonely (and sorry for myself) as I walked around, wishing I had someone to have an adult conversation with. There was a gentleman in a wheelchair talking to a man who had just sat down with his coffee. He started talking about his family and the beautiful red-headed daughter he had lost to a drunk driver-boyfriend. There was a young girl standing in a doorway with jeans on that seemed to drape around her ankles like a train on a wedding dress. She was wearing a tee shirt that was cut off around the waist. She had a dazed look on her face, she looked lost, and very, very young. The guy cozying up to her was a mothers worst nightmare!!! He looked scary!!! Across the street, in the grass, was a young man sitting and rocking back and forth. I stopped and thanked God for the blessing in my life. I wasn't feeling sorry for myself anymore. My precious children are accounted for and they are both safe. I have no idea what road our lives will take next but I do know who to turn to in times of trouble. Once again, God gently brought me back where I needed to be.

Thank you, God, for my two precious children and the family and friends that help keep us together in times of trouble.
I am counting many blessings tonight, not regrets.

Love, Tina

Sunday, April 6, 2003 8:55 PM CDT

Day +82

Austin is in good spirits and we are watching "Harry Potter" for the millionth time. Austin knows each line in the movie and cannot wait for Friday when the second movie comes out on video.

Austins counts are as follows;
WBC 4.83
RBC 3.50
HGB 11.4
HCT 33.1
Platelets 105
K+ 2.5
Mag.2.5

It is so odd that our entire world revolves around numbers. The first thing I do every a.m. is check on his counts. When we started this journey almost 8 mths. ago his WBC was 140.0. WOW! He has come a long way.

On Tuesday, I will be 37 yrs. old. When I was young, I LOVED to play barbie dolls. One of my barbies was 36 yrs old. (I think because I had an aunt that was 36 at the time). Anyway, "Martha" was my favorite one. She was a beautiful barbie with shoulder length hair and big blue eyes. "Martha" had a family and lived in a cool dollhouse that my older sisters bestfriend passed down to me. My barbies went to our beachhouse and played on the beach, they went to the hunting camp, they went everywhere. They were happy AND healthy. Never ever did my barbies get sick, they had not even heard of cancer. Martha did break her leg and I taped it back on and just explained that she had surgery on it. I think I played barbies until I started dating- or so my sisters say. At this moment, I am the same age as Martha was. I am not married anymore and my son has a terrible illness. And for almost 8 mths I have "lived" four hours away from my sweet little girl. This never happened to Martha. I am daily amazed at the journey life takes us on. I thank God for allowing me to grow as I learn more about myself and our savior. I am no where near perfect but I am learning more and more each day of my life. God can get us through the rough spots, spots we never dreamed (as a child) of being in. He can move mountains. He can heal my child. He can give me strength!
... I still have "Martha" and Meagan seems to treasure her as much as I do.

Pease continue to pray for Austin and his friends: Amber, Alexis, Taylor, Wade, Gina, Josh, Joel. Tomorrow Austin will have an upper and lower GI to check on why he continues to have diarrhea and vomiting. I will let you know the outome.

Love, Tina

Friday, April 4, 2003 6:48 AM CST

Day +80

Good morning! Austins WBC is up today {5.62}. He is sleeping comfortably now.

Surgery was a great success and we are all both relieved and grateful. Hopefully, there will be no reason to go back in. Thank you God. He has had so much going on that it was such a relief to have this behind us.

We returned to our room last night with a blood pressure of 79/17. The doctors pushed fluids and were able to stablize him within a few hours. This morning he is retaining over a liter of fluid but at the moment they aren't worried. His coloring is still "normal" and his hair just keeps on growing. He looks soooo good.

I continue to thank God for all of these blessing. I don't know what our Saviour has instore for Austin but I know He will walk us through it.

Have a great day,
Tina

Thursday, April 3, 2003 4:53 PM CST

Finally, we are back in our room and doing well. Austin went through the procedure without complications and the surgery was a success!!! Thanks be to God.
It took longer to repair but the waiting was worth it.

Your prayers have not gone unnoticed. God has heard them and I can feel them. Thank you for loving us and praying for us.

* Please remember our littles friends up here: Taylor, Wade, Gina, and Joel.

Love, Tina

Thursday, April 3, 2003 4:53 PM CST

Finally, we are back in our room and doing well. Austin went through the procedure without complications and the surgery was a success!!! Thanks be to God.
It took longer to repair but the waiting was worth it.

Your prayers have not gone unnoticed. God has heard them and I can feel them. Thank you for loving us and praying for us.

* Please remember our littles friends up here: Taylor, Wade, Gina, and Joel.

Love, Tina

Wednesday, April 2, 2003 8:54 AM CST

WANTED:

1 Experienced Playstation 2 player for Spiderman game
Must have expert knowledge of webzipping [Subway level]
No moms may apply
Boys only!!!


Day +78
WBC 4.00
RBC 3.09
Platelets 87

Surgery tomorrow 8:00/ transport to UAB 7:00

Doing well, though mom cannot get Austin out of the subway {Spiderman game} and he is not happy with me.
I thank God for moments like these- our biggest worry of the day is this game and defeating some guy named Shocker. I will take this over defeating cancer anyday. As always, God is showing me the way, how to appreciate these moments instead of fussing over being here. My knight and shining armor in the form of a six year old. If this isn't life I don't know what is.

God bless your day,
Tina

Tuesday, April 1, 2003 10:48 PM CST

Austin has had a very good day. He played baseball on the unit this morning, hitting several homeruns. His physical therapist, Ms. Christy, brought the bat and ball up and that was all he needed to see for motivation. When I returned from lunch, I came in the unit and heard him giggling through the double doors. Somehow, he had managed to push his IV pole to his door, open it, grabbed his big blue ball and headed for the nurses station. So... when I came back he and his {friends}, the nurses, were playing basketball. He even talked one of them into pushing his IV pole while he tried to score. He was elated. {This is the part where I have to stop and tell you that he was not running OR jumping while playing, he remembers the rules that keep him out of trouble}. When Anna Warrington came to visit today, this is where she found Austin. He looks great!!! Someone forgot to tell him he was sick. It is getting extremely hard to keep him occupied. He has so much energy and other than his stomach pains, he feels great. He and I both are getting 'caged animal syndrome'.

Regarding the stomach pain, Dr. Lucas feels that we may be seeing some graft vs. host issues. If Austin would let me have a moment alone to think more about this I would probably be frightened. Next week, after this aneurysm is behind us, they will probably schedule some tests to see what his throat-to-tummy looks like.

We will be here longer than anticipated which is so very disappointing. I long to be back in Fairhope, digging in my yard, playing with Meagan, and having my family under one roof again. This seems like an eternity to me, I can only imagine what is going threw Austins mind.

By the way, I am happy to report that all health care workers have seen Austin "being born". FYI- I brought the video camera back up to record him singing and the tapes were in the case. We watched all of the tapes of he and Sissy and his favorite was his beautiful arrival into this world. Thank goodness the video is very modest.

I am very grateful for my children and as I watched them change and grow via video tapes I was once again reminded that life is truly a gift from God, not to be taken lightly. Enjoy your children, they are only on loan.

Love, Tina

Monday, March 31, 2003 11:07 PM CST

No surgery tomorrow. The docs at UAB cannot do the procedure until Thursday morning at 8:00 a.m. Cannot wait to meet those fellas.

Today has been a long day. Austin is full of energy and it is very difficult to keep him entertained. I am thankful that he feels good but we have been here for 5 wks and he is getting grumpy. So am I!!! Today was very disappointing. I will be glad to see a new day. I know that things will come in God's perfect timing.

When I came back up from lunch today I found that Austin had shown the entire unit the video of his birth. Is nothing sacred? He was extremely proud.

Ilove you my friends and think of you often.
Sleep well,
Tina

Monday, March 31, 2003 6:59 AM CST

Day +76

WBC 4.88
RBC 3.81
HGB 12.3
HCT 34.9
Platelets 79

Austin will get platelets tonight in preparation for tomorrows surgery. The doctors want them to be at least 100,000 before surgery.

I will update again after the surgeons round and give us a time for tomorrow.


Love, Tina

Sunday, March 30, 2003 10:18 PM CST

WBC 4.54
RBC 3.87
Platelets 82

Austin is sleeping after a full day of play. He is getting stronger every day. His hair is growing and his color has come back and he looks great! I will e glad to have the surgery behind us so he can gain enough strength to go outpatient and then home. He is missing his sister very much. If everything goes as planned, Meagan will come up for a visit next weekend. (We have kept her away because of viruses and strepthroat and all of the other things that are going around).

Surgery is planned for Tuesday but we do not have a time yet. We are praying that the aneurysm is not infected and that the procedure will go smoothly. A mycotic aneurysm is usually found in the brain, it is rare to be found elsewhere, especially in the pelvic area. Hopefully, after this, Austin will not have to undergo anything else.

That's it for now.
Tina

Thursday, March 27, 2003 9:55 AM CST

Good morning, day +72

As I write Austin is singing at the top of his lungs "On the road again", and enjoying every minute of it. He has become quite the entertainer. Singing and listening to music seem to help keep him calm when he is having a tough time. This morning his tummy is hurting and he has a hot pad on it. He has tested positive for "C dif colitis" which is comparitive to diarrhea with exceptional stomach pain. Otherwise, he is being a grand trooper.

Our friend, Taylor, is next door receiving chemo in prep. for his transplant. Please remember him in your prayers, as well as, Gina, Sydnie, and Wade. Alexis is home doing great. She is now sitting up and rocking on all fours. Her red hair is growing back and she is beutiful!!!

God bless you,
Tina

Wednesday, March 26, 2003 11:19 AM CST

Day +71...

Surgery has been cancelled until further notice!!!

Due to Austin running fever during the night the surgeons felt that it would be best to postpone Austins surgery. They have drawn blood cultures and for now we are just going to wait and see what happens. Probably will be scheduled for Monday.

As much as I want this surgery behind us, I have to believe that God has a reason for this being postponed and cancelled as much as it has been. In time we will know. I have learned through this journey that if we just stay at peace and don't get so upset that things work out. They always do, whether we pitch a fit or not. Being a single mom has taught me a great deal about patience and perserverance.

I thank you, my friends, for continuing to love on us as we climb this mountain day by day.

Love, Tina

Tuesday, March 25, 2003 9:47 PM CST

Finally, a date and time...

Surgery will be tomorrow morning at UAB, 10:00 a.m. I am so glad that we are getting this behind us. Austin has been a trooper through all of this. I believe that this is God's timing.

He spiked a fever, 101.2, but is otherwise doing great. Today he played baseball in the room and has had a great time with family and friends. We just finished a movie and now he is on the playstation again, and he doesn't share well. I like to play some too.

He has already picked his mask flavor, strawberry-banana. Sounds good to me. He is not allowed to eat strawberries until farther out in transplant but he can inhale them during this procedure. The doctors will insert a large catheter into his right upper thigh for entry. They will culture the aneurysm and then tie it off. (At least this is what I understand so far). If the cultures prove positive they will again go back in and remove it. Right now though, it is best to do the least aggressive procedure as possible. I have a sence of peace about this and I know that God is hearing all of the prayers going up for Austin. Thank you for continuing to support all of us during this tough time.

Tuesday, March 25, 2003 11:25 AM CST

Day +70...

It amazes me how time seems to creep by when you are waiting, and yes, that is what we are still doing. I know there is a lesson in here somewhere but right now I DON'T SEE IT!!!

Austin looks great today and he is wide awake. He is still nauseous (hope I spelled that correctly) but is much better. At the moment, he is yelling at his playstation game. (Love that playstation, one day it may accidently get backed over with the car). He is now talking to the game, plotting how he is going to win. That game is enough to make me sick on my stomach. When my mom comes in the room, he puts on his hunting game to gross her out!!! He loves it.

I promise to update when I find more out.

Remember our friend, Taylor Watts, who comes up "to the gated communtity" today. I hope for a smooth and peaceful transplant for them.

Love, Tina

Monday, March 24, 2003 10:30 PM CST

Today has been a 'hurry up and wait' day. Tonight we were told that surgery will be tomorrow [time still not known]. The surgeon that will do the procedure had to go out of town and will be back at UAB tomorrow a.m. and will fit Austin in.??. Mass confusion.

I am ready for this to be behind us. Austin threw up old blood this morning when he woke up. He has also been running a low fever. Seven months ago tonight we arrived in Birmingham for the first time. When I think back, that seems so very long ago. Austin has come so far and I believe that God is preparing him for a great future.

I wish I had more definative answers but I don't. I will continue to let you know something when I find out.

God bless you my friends,
Tina

Sunday, March 23, 2003 11:35 PM CST

Late entry...

Just found out that tomorrows surgery has once again been changed. Reason given- 'communication error between doctors'.

I am learning to make excellent lemonade with the lemons we keep getting handed. Our family is uphere, I just called all of them and told them to sleep in, hopefully we will know more by midmorning.

Night night,
Tina

Sunday, March 23, 2003 2:14 PM CST

Day +68...

Austins surgery has been moved up to tomorrow morning,here at Children's, @ 7:15am. One less day to worry, for this I am glad. He has been sleeping for long periods these past few days. He has thrown up several times since yesterday so the doctor has changed most of his meds. over to IV. I hope and pray that tomorrows surgery will help turn some of these things around. The surgery is supposed to last several hours but I will update his site as soon as he is out of surgery.

I am so proud of Austins bravery. He now knows about the surgery but is not too scared. Our dear friend, Ms. Jennifer, the Child Life specialist, will go with him to surgery and he looks forward to that. Here, at Children's, before they put you to sleep, you get to pick a flavor for your oxygen mask. They have dozens of chap stick flavors to choose from. Once Austin chooses a favor, they rub it inside his oxygen mask and he breathes it as he goes to sleep. This hospital has been a wonderful safe place for Austin. I wish it was closer to home but at least they have computers.

Have a wonderful Sunday afternoon,
Tina

Saturday, March 22, 2003 10:27 AM CST

Today is day +67 after transplant...

Austin is sleeping which gives me a moment to collect my thoughts and try to give a clear update. Yesterday Austin underwent several test to determine how involved the aneurysm is in the iliac crest. It is 3x4 cm. in size and is presenting a challenge as to how to surgically remove it. Dr. Hardin and a vascular surgeon from UAB are mapping out the best route to take. It is mycotic (filled with fungal infection) which presents its own set of problems. Austins white count is 3.05 (norm is 4-14) and his platelets are low, at 62. He will get a transfusion the night before surgery to help with clotting. We do not have a surgery date at this time.

Austin has been here in Birmingham since Christmas night due to radiation markings and such. The day we came home is when he starting running fevers and was sent back up on January 4th. His is missing his friends, his house, and his dogs. We are going to be here for quite a while. If you get a chance, Austin would love some mail from his buddies- a snapshot or a colored picture they have drawn. I tape all of these things on the walls to help decorate his room and keep his spirits up. His misses all of you as much as I do.

Several months ago, I was on my way back up after a weekend with Meagan. It was a pretty Sunday afternoon and I was driving down Hwy. 27. Cotton season had just ended and cotton was scattered here and there. I remember Austin saying that one day he wanted to go to his friend Jaye Cortes farm and pick some cotton. I pulled off of the road, found a ziplock (my van is always prepared), and picked some leftover cotton. When I got back to Austins room I showed him what I had for him. He was so excited, moreso, that it was from his friends farm. In a small way, while granting a wish, I had brought back a piece of his friend. We still have that piece of cotton sealed up and it will go in his scrapbook.

I have saved every card, note jotted on a sticky pad, drawing, or mailing labels from a packages. These are in a different book. Years from now, Austin can look back and see how incredible his support system has been. Without love, one cannot thrive. I believe with all of my might that prayers have made the difference in my sons life. God listens to all of us, and through Him miracles do happen. I hope that I will be able to thank each one of you personally for all of the gifts, cookies, meals, cards, letters, and prayers that you have sent for Austin. I am still overwhelmed by all of the support, all of the outpouring of love that has come our way.

Dr. Lucas just came in. Surgery is scheduled for Tuesday.

Please remember to pray for the fathers, husbands, son's, and grandsons that are overseas fighting for peace.

Love, Tina

Thursday, March 20, 2003 8:02 AM CST

Today is +65...

Not much has changed since I last updated. My little buddy is sleeping soundly. Dr. Sande made the decision to start him back on his TPN (feeding through his catheter) to maintain his weight and also to keep his strength up. Hopefully, this won't be for long.

As I pray about the battle going on inside my son, I am reminded of all of the brave soldiers ready and waiting to defend our country. Remember these men and women in your prayers along with their families.

I will update as soon as I know more.

Love, Tina

Wednesday, March 19, 2003 8:58 AM CST

Good morning,

Yesterdays ultrasound was a blessing in disguise. The aneurysm has grown and the Drs. have discovered that a fungus is growing inside of this. It is called a mycotic aneurysm and, of course, Austins is the first one that our docs have ever seen in a child. Austin, always the teacher of weird things. (I am smiling). Anyway, this is the reason for the low grade fevers that he is having now and then. This fungus is not good news but it is coming out soon. We will be transfered to UAB for an arterialgram and from there they will determine a surgery date. A vascular surgeon from UAB will perform the surgery either here or at UAB.

I am afraid, I will not even try to hide it. Besides, I have never been good at keeping things inside. (If you know me, you know that I am verbal). This is not the first time Austin has had something scarey and, as all parents know, it won't be the last.

Yesterday, I sat and tried to process all of this new information and after the numbness wore off I WAS ANGRY. Not at God, because He is forever faithful, but at all of these circumstances that are keeping Meagan, Austin and I apart. I very much want the three of us back at home together and obstacles keep falling down in front of us. (It reminds me of high school when Coach Walker, my track coach, decided that I would start being a 'hurdler'. No way, I would lay bleeding before the first lap. I was scared out of my mind. I did it though. I did a horrendous job of it, had several 'near misses', and fell down and wanted to be left for dead (I was so embarrassed). But, even though I HATED IT, I got through it)... Now, Austin is own the track field and doing an incredible job. When he finishes the race, we WILL go home and stay.

Please pray for Austin, his doctors and surgeons, Meagan (because she is in a play tomorrow night and I desparately want to be there for her), and for only the peace that God can provide.

I love you guys,
Tina

p.s. we are moving to a bigger room today. (#662)

Tuesday, March 18, 2003 11:25 AM CST

Good morning,

Austin feels good today, still no eating though, so we are still camping out. No news on the ultrasound results yet.
He has had a busy morning; ultrasound, physical therapy, and school. What this means for me is that soon we will snuggle and take a cat nap. I love those.

While Austin was having school a memory came to me from long ago. I would like to share it with you...

I was 'barely pregnant' with Meagan when I got a stomach virus. For days and days I sat on the bathroom floor sicker than a dog with no relief in sight. (I forgot to mention that I was keeping my 16 mth old niece that had never been away from mom AND had just been wheened cold turkey from the breast)!!! She sat on my head in the bed for a week eating my saltine crackers and letting no one approach her. Now that you have the full picture I will continue...
I sat on that cold floor and made all kinds of 'deals' with God. I would never skip church again, I would devote my entire life to Him, and on it went. I begged Him to make me feel better and in return I would do anything He wanted. This story is only one example of my experiences begging God for this or that. When Austin was diagnosed I did not beg God for anything. For the first time in my 36 yrs. of life I truly understood what "Gods Will" was all about. I stongly felt His presense and I wanted what was best for my child. I didn't try to make any deals or bargains with Him. I feel very strong in my faith and I know that whatever path Gods takes with us is the very best. I am still learning and still growing and it feels really good. And I feel a great peace.

I love you my friends,
Tina

Monday, March 17, 2003 10:50 PM CST

NEW PHOTOS ON WEBPAGE!!!

Day +65 post transplant...
Austin is sleeping so peacefully and I have been praying that he will awaken in the morning with a big appetite. He has had a good day other than lack of appetite.

Tomorrow Austin will have another ultrasound to check on the aneurysm. If nothing has changed, they plan on surgery in about a month. I hope the thing has disappeared just as fast as it appeared. Austin is beginning to get dark eyebrows and some sprigs of hair are growing on his head. Just like spring, he is starting to grow and renew. Life amazes me, it keeps on going, no matter what happens. Changes come and go and we adjust. I am thankful for having faith in God because without Him I could not have come this far AND I know that God is the reason Austin Baker is recovering. Life can take you as far as you want to go... if you just believe!!!

God has given us an incredible support system and I love each of you.

Sleep well,
Tina

Monday, March 17, 2003 6:01 PM CST

Hey guys,

I have spent most of the day begging and bribing Austin to eat and drink. He tunes me out. He finally ate half of a brownie this afternoon but we will stay here several more days, in hopes that his appetite increases. His energy level is better, he stays awake most of the day now.

Updated photos are on the webpage now.

Thank you for continuing to pray for us. Today is one of those days when I really need it.

Love, Tina

Monday, March 17, 2003 8:33 AM CST

Good morning,

Austin woke up feeling great and being his silly self, and this is wonderful to see. His counts have dipped into the 3's but this isn't a problem. All of his other counts are heading up the ladder. He is trying to eat this morning. His weight loss is the only thing keeping us 'in house'. So, we are waiting for the grilled cheese and grits he ordered for breakfast. He looks so good, his face is no longer puffy and he has grown in length. My six year old is beginning to look like a 'big boy'. Of this I am glad.

The weather here is nasty but it is one of those days that you really appreciate now and then. I love to curl up and play with the kids when the weather is yuck.

The unit has new boys and girls getting ready for their transplants. I pray that they have as easy a time as Austin did. I am so thankful that his transplant went as smooth as it did.

Time home with Meagan was priceless. She is always so full of life. We went to the Arts & Crafts festival and headed straight to the Humane Society exhibit. If she could have, she would have adopted a dog. She loves animals so. She wants to be a Vet. when she grows up- just like Uncle Alan!!! I couldn't think of a better choice.

Have a great day!
Love, Tina

Sunday, March 16, 2003 9:11 PM CST

Hi friends,

Austin still ran a low fever over the weekend but today has remained fever free. When I got back up here he was sleeping, but I just had to kiss that beautiful bald head of his. He woke up and just smiled brightly. His is so precious.

His counts today are in the 4,000's. His platelets remain strong too. Each day is an improvement. Hopefully, we can go outpatient soon.

I am so very grateful for your prayers and support.
Love, Tina

Wednesday, March 12, 2003 9:32 AM CST

Good morning,

I hope the sun is shining as bright where you are. Today looks to be a gorgeous day.

Austins counts are still diving down BUT cord blood transplants tend to do this with "the crud". His fever has been jumping around since last night, 103.0- 100.9. When his fever is down he feels great. He has been sleeping more in the past few days which is normal. He pretends to be asleep when Ms. Rhonda, his teacher, comes for school but he loves school and it doesn't last. I am so thankful for Ms. Rhonda who regularly comes to his room. He enjoys learning.

Meagan sounds great and will be back at school tomorrow. Her strep throat was caught early so she has been blessed with feeling good.

No news is good news!!!

Love, Tina

Tuesday, March 11, 2003 8:48 PM CST

Today is day # 56 post-transplant. It amazes me that time flies by even if we don't notice it. We started this journey almost seven months ago. Wow!!! God has sat through many longs nights with me and gave me beautiful sunrises the next morning. How fortunate I am.

Alexis is GOING HOME tomorrow. I am thrilled for both she and her family. Alexis started her battle last June and it is time for her to begin some normalcy at home. I will miss Alice so much, she is like a sister to me, and such an incredible support. When we were down on 4 tower together, there were nights when Austin would give me "fits". (Imagine that). She would go in Austins room and coax him into taking his meds, and I would go in with Alexis and play with her. One night I gave Alexis her GCFS shot and Alice gave Austin his meds. (One of the nurses had taught me how to give the shot so fast that it was over before the kids knew it- thanks Whitney.) Alexis slept through it. I never could fully pull it over on Austin, he knows me to well. I am one of those moms who goes in after the kids are asleep, and ,with flashlight in hand, gets splinters out of feet. Anyway, parents who go through cancer with their child seem to understand so much better the unspoken words of one another. Today, while Meagan was at the doctors office, Alice knew what I was thinking. Low grade fever, no real symptoms, .....leukemia? It is not that I really thought she had cancer BUT anything health related with your child will make you sit up straight and worry. By the way, Meagan has strep throat. She is feeling alright, no throat pain. I am so glad. She and her Daddy (and Rose, the golden) are having some snuggle time. Thank you for your prayers.

Austins CT scan showed no signs of infection or fungus. Thank you God. He has a few colapsed areas in one lung from lying in bed for so long but that is very treatable. Bubbles and blowing up balloons will take care of that. We continue to hope that his fevers will subside and that whatever he has will hurry and leave.

I continually thank God for the family and friends that He has surrounded us with. I really couldn't go through this without each one of you.

Love, Tina

Tuesday, March 11, 2003 8:09 AM CST

Good morning friends,
Austin is awake and chatting with his nurses, being very silly. Thank goodness. His fever is 99.8. Thank you God!!! The CT scan is back on. Yes!!! I was awake this a.m. and had my "quiet time" uninterrupted. Another milestone. The sun is shining, and I know that we WILL get through another day.

Meagan and Daddy are going to see Dr. Bishop today and I no longer feel as torn.

It is amazing how you can go to sleep worried and awaken to lots of sunshine and a new perspective. To me, that is one of God's most amazing gifts to us. Each day we start with a clean slate, and even if nothing changes, the day is new and our outlook can be refreshed. We take for granted each new breathe but they too have been given to us.

I love you my friends,
Tina

Monday, March 10, 2003 8:52 PM CST

Austin's CT scan was cancelled due to machine problems. Hopefully, it will be up and running by morning. He continues to run high fevers with no diagnosis. Every test has come back negative so far. We just keep praying.

Tonight my heart is torn in half and I am bordering between anger and tears. Jimmy called. Meagan is running a fever also. I am four hours away from her and I cannot do anything for her but pray. Daddy is taking good care of her but I still miss not being there. She is such a spirited young girl and I cherish my time with her. This past weekend, I found myself on a horse with her and my bottom is still sore!!! She now wants to take up horseback riding as a sport.

Thank you for praying and listening and supporting us through each step we make, or don't quite make. Each day is a blessing.

Love, Tina

Monday, March 10, 2003 9:57 AM CST

Good morning friends,

Austin is asleep. He was up off and on last night with fever. His fever this morning is 102.0. I wish it would go away. I am so worried about my little man. Dr. Sande and Dr. Lucas have run every test in the book and thus far, everything is negative. Today we will go down for a CT scan to check his lungs for fungus or infection. He is showing no signs of "anything".

My comfort this morning comes from knowing that God is up there watching us and he will not let any harm come to his children. The other source of comfort is knowing that so many people are praying for Austin, Meagan, and the rest of our family.

His counts today are 7,800. This is great news and I continue to thank God for these blessings. Without Him, I (we) could not have made it this far.

Love, Tina

Monday, March 10, 2003 9:57 AM CST

Good morning friends,

Austin is asleep. He was up off and on last night with fever. His fever this morning is 102.0. I wish it would go away. I am so worried about my little man. Dr. Sande and Dr. Lucas have run every test in the book and thus far, everything is negative. Today we will go down for a CT scan to check his lungs for fungus or infection. He is showing no signs of "anything".

My comfort this morning comes from knowing that God is up there watching us and he will not let any harm come to his children. The other source of comfort is knowing that so many people are praying for Austin, Meagan, and the rest of our family.

His counts today are 7,800. This is great news and I continue to thank God for these blessings. Without Him, I (we) could not have made it this far.

Love, Tina

Friday, March 7, 2003 4:52 PM CST

Austins white count is down to 1.78 today. Dr. Sande felt that they needed to do a bone marrow biopsy and aspiration to see just exactly what is going on in Austins little body. This afternoon Dr. Sande had the preliminary results. Austin's marrow is CLEAN, no leukemia present. Thank you God! I have done nothing but pray all day waiting for the results. I cannot begin to express my relief. They have sent off some slides for viral studies, but the results will not be back until next week.

Earlier this morning, 5 month old Truman was called home to be with the Lord. My heart aches for his parents as they try to begin the process of grieving for there only child. Please, lift this family up in prayer, as they will need lots of love and kindness. I cannot begin to imagine the heartache they feel.

I am going home to see Meagan this weekend. Austin has not had a fever today and his surgery date is still pending.

I love each and every one of you,
Tina

Friday, March 7, 2003 4:52 PM CST

Austins white count is down to 1.78 today. Dr. Sande felt that they needed to do a bone marrow biopsy and aspiration to see just exactly what is going on in Austins little body. This afternoon Dr. Sande had the preliminary results. Austin's marrow is CLEAN, no leukemia present. Thank you God! I have done nothing but pray all day waiting for the results. I cannot begin to express my relief. They have sent off some slides for viral studies, but the results will not be back until next week.

Earlier this morning, 5 month old Truman was called home to be with the Lord. My heart aches for his parents as they try to begin the process of grieving for there only child. Please, lift this family up in prayer, as they will need lots of love and kindness. I cannot begin to imagine the heartache they feel.

I am going home to see Meagan this weekend. Austin has not had a fever today and his surgery date is still pending.

I love each and every one of you,
Tina

Thursday, March 6, 2003 4:01 PM CST

"I want to hear you speak to me
The words I'm longing for,
'Cause sitting here in silence makes me cry.
I'm learning how to wait for you
To trust you with my life
Your answers come so slowly Lord
But, they always come on time!"

Angie Lewis, Austin's godmother

Since the first time I heard my friend Angie (Christian counselor and singer) sing this song it has had an impact of me. When I am scared I sing it. When I am anxious, discouraged, happy, or just cleaning my house, this song always comes to mind. The words speak volumes to me. God does show us the way, in His great time. I seem to forget this when things aren't going my way. It is an honor to wake each day, even if we are going through a dark mist. "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me". Phil 4:13 This doesn't mean that my life will be perfect, it just means that I can and will get to the other side of the bad.

Austin is still spiking high fevers, and his energy level is not up as much BUT his white count today has doubled!!! His platelets are going up too. This is great news. The surgery is still on the "back burner".

Truman is continuing to struggle through the day and the next 24 hrs. will be tough. Alexis is tumor free in the brain. There is still an area on her spine of an undetermined source but the Drs. do not feel that it is cancer. She was diagnosed this past June and has not been home very much. We are hoping that at the end of next week she will go home. Thank you for praying for our little friends.

I Love You, my friends,
Tina

Wednesday, March 5, 2003 8:21 PM CST

Austin is still running a fever but hopefully this will soon subside. Good news, today's blood slide showed monocytes which means that hopefully his body will start producing more white blood cells. His is also getting a new medication that helps give white blood cells a boost. We shall see.

The surgeon wants Austin to be fever-free if at all possible before the do any procedures on him. This will also give his body time to produce more platelets- they help blood to clot. His surgery date is not critical right now. They will keep an eye on him. In the meantime, I get to keep him from running and jumping around. Oh, joy!!!!!!!!! Maybe that is why he has this fever, to slow him down until his body is ready for surgery. God works in mysterious ways.

Our friends up here need your prayers. Alexis goes for her MRI tomorrow to see if the tumors are gone form her spine and brain. I am praying for God's complete healing in this precious childs life. She is such a beautiful child. Truman, age 5 mths, is in PICU and having a difficult time with his lungs. His transplant was in December. He has osteoperosis (harding of the bone marrow). Also, our friend, Taylor is in the hospital preparing for his trip up here for transplant.

I have seen so many deaths since Austin was diagnosed BUT I have also seen children succeed and go home. God works through each of our lives in different ways. He uses each circumstance for the good of others. He does not cause these things but He allows them so that each of us can walk away hopefully becoming a better person.

Tuesday, March 4, 2003 5:30 PM CST

Dr. Sande just left. It seems that Austin has a pseudoaneurysm (sp?) in his femoral region. Lay terms, this is sort of like a blood clot but it has the tendency to keep pooling blood until it can no longer hold anymore. Dr. Barnhart, Austins surgeon, came by also to talk about the possibility of surgically repairing the tear. He is talking with other surgeons to see what would be best procedure for Austin. They may schedule a arterialgram to have a better look.
No one knows why he is still running fever. His white count has gone from 6,000 down to 2,450. If his counts keep dropping they will do a bone marrow aspiration. On the bright side, Austins platelets are still going up. Thanks be to God.

I wish, as always, that I could wave a magic wand and make my child feel all better. There are so many thoughts that run through my head and I want to "fix" him and close the book on this chapter. As I write this I remember that during the easy times we learn nothing. During the tough times we learn incredible lessons that help us and others grow. God is right there beside us as we go through these journeys, we just have to acknowledge Him.

I pray that his fever (101.7) will break and that tomorrow his only worry will be which cartoon to watch first.

God bless you my friends,
Tina

Monday, March 3, 2003 9:14 PM CST

I am so sorry that I have not been able to update, today they came and took my computer to try and work on it....

Anyway, Austin continues to run fever and on the CT scan that was done today they found a "mass" (they're word not mine) in his pelvic region. It is in an area that is not easy to reach surgically so tomorrow morning at 7:30 they are going to do an ultrasound. Dr. Sande has no idea what it is, though they do not think it is cancer. Worse case is that it is an infection. We are praying that it is not this. Austin does not need any type of infection at this point. My prayer is that by morning it just disappears. Austin has come so very far in the past 7 months and I am so proud of him. I don't really have many words tonight but I wanted to update. Tomorrow, I will journal as soon as I get a report. We hopefully will know something by lunch time.

Love, Tina

Friday, February 28, 2003 9:55 PM CST

Hey guys,
Just wanted to update before I went to sleep. Austin still has a fever (101.3) but is still not acting sick. He is full of giggles and laughs. I have enjoyed playing with him and planning what we are going to do when we do go home. Meanwhile, by Monday, if the cultures have not grown anything and Austin is feeling well, we can go back to the apartment. Dr. Lucas started him on a third antibiotic tonight so hopefully whatever is going on within will be taken care of.

Sleep well and God bless you, my friends,
Tina

Thursday, February 27, 2003 3:34 PM CST

Day +44

We were so close...

I woke very early and packed the car. I gathered all of Austins things that he cannot live without. I even packed his favorite snacks. When I was finished Austin and I loaded up and headed to clinic. We were very excited because we knew that after clinic today we were going home for the weekend, back to Fairhope. We would get to stay home all weekend and help Meagan celebrate her 9th birthday. WE COULDN'T WAIT!

Next, we went up to the Stem Cell Unit for outpatient clinic. Everything was fine until the nurse took his temp. 100.6 She took it a second time. 100.4 BUSTED! Dr. Lucas had us stay in clinic so they could watch Austin. They did not want us driving to Fairhope if something was up. Well it was. His temp. We are now inpatient, back in our old room, 659. Austin tried to be very brave when he fever went up and they admitted us. I was so proud of him and I knew that he was very disappointed. I tried just as hard not to show my disappointment.

So, here we are. What started out as an exciting day has turned into a disappointment. I stomped down stairs to sign all of the admission papers, talking to myself, dreading the telephone calls I was going to have to make, telling our families that we would not be home this weekend. My heart goes out to Meagan, she has tried so hard to be strong for so long. While I was waiting on the paperwork I glanced around and hanging on the wall was the Serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

There He was, standing beside me telling me that everything is alright, He is in control. Wow.

Dr. Lucas does not know why Austin is running a fever. They have drawn blood cultures and now we wait to see what grows. I am thankful for your continued prayers.

Love, Tina

Monday, February 24, 2003 9:27 AM CST

Today is Day +43 (I think)...

And it is a very special day. Today is Austins birthday. He is elated!!! Mom is too. Celebrating his birthday is something I have dreamed of doing and now it is here. In the past six months, he has been so sick that there were times when I longed to see into the future, to see what February 24th would hold. Today it is a celebration of life that started six years ago tonight. (born at 10:13 p.m.) I am glad that God does not allow us to see the future. There would be no reason for hope, for dreaming, for faith in tomorrow. I don't mean to sound dramtic but I have learned to focus on the here and now because no one is promised tomorrow. I have learned so much in the past six months that I would never have learned without this journey. I am different now. I have learned to slow down and really focus on what is in front of me. I am enjoying life more than ever and my children are such faucets of that.

Six years ago today, I was having coffee with my friends, and laughing about the upcoming arrival of Austin the next day. He chose to come with a bang that night, wide eyed and ready to meet his new day (at 9 lbs. 3 oz.).

This morning, as I thank God for the birth of this child, I also thank Him for the gift of friendship, because without each of you this journey would have been unbearable.

God bless you, Tina

Friday, February 21, 2003 10:49 AM CST

Good morning,
I am so sorry that I have not been able to update but the modem on my computer has died.
Austin is doing wonderful. He continues to eat me out of house and home; he looks just like a butterball turkey when he smiles. The steroids are making him very puffy. He is slowly wheening down on some of his medicines, he now only takes 29 pills a day. He continues to take the blood pressure medication but is doing well with it. Dr. Lucas is starting to decrease his steroid, Prednisone, and we may see some graft vs. host disease. He is hoping for a little graft vs. leukemia... I do not want any of the above. He said that sometimes it helps for the body to have to do a bit of fighting.

I have been asked by several people if Austin is in remission, and he is not. He is post transplant, doing well, and it takes 5 years to be officially in remission. (I had to ask myself). He is doing so well that in a few weeks we can take a field trip home. Yea!

Monday Austin will be "6" years old. As I thank God for this milestone, I will also thank Him for the incredible support system that He has sent us. God bless you my
friends.

Love, Tina

Austins counts are WBC 5,650 Platelets 64

Monday, February 17, 2003 10:28 AM CST

Hello friends,

I am so sorry that I have not updated but I had to wait until I could setup an internet connection at the apartment. Austin and I settled in to the new apartment- complements of a B'ham church- and are trying to get in a "normal" routine. Clinic is every morning at 8:00 and we are usually there for several hours. Austin's school teacher comes during clinic hours so we kill two birds with one stone. (I don't like that saying). He looks so good. The steroids have him looking very puffy and he is all smiles- reminds me of a butterball turkey- and it's great to see.

His counts have settled at around 5000 for the moment and we are all very excited. He and I had a wonderful Valentines day just being together.

I love you all,
Tina

Wednesday, February 12, 2003 3:01 PM CST

DAY #29

WE ARE OUTTA HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Austin is full of giddiness, so is mom. We are checked in to Hope Lodge and doing well. (It only took 3 car loads to move out).

The staff had a surprise going away party for Austin before we left, complete with chocolate cupcakes with scooby rings on top! He opened presents and gave out lots of hugs. I took loads of pictures. Again, I am so proud of him. Lots of friends from the Hemocolgy/ Oncology department came to share our joy.

I am sure that once Austin was out of the "gated comunity" they threw an even bigger party- I can only imagine. There has never quite been a child like Austin on the Stem Cell Unit. Ms. Margaret, who helps us keep our room clean, will be very glad that the silly string is gone. Though, lately he has had a passion for water balloons.

God bless your day, my friends.
We love you, Austin and Mommy

Tueday, February 11, 2003 9:49 PM CST

Day +28
Austin is finally starting to fall asleep. He found out today that we are checking out tomorrow and he has been so excited all day. He is all smiles. It will be so nice to have a little bit of freedom. He continues to have a good appetite: pickles, prinkles, Reese's PB cups, grits, strawberry drink, and peanut butter crackers..... His taste buds are waking up for the first time in almost 6 months. It is hard to believe that it has been that long since he has had any desire for food. I am so proud of him.

I spoke with Dr. Lucas tonight and he is concerned about Austins intake and output. He still is not drinking enough and today he has not pottied much (when he is older he will not be happy that his mom put his personal, private "stuff" on the web for all to see- just like those naked baby shots our parents have of us). He cannot be discharged until he is drinking alot more than he has been. I have been filling up medicine cups with Powerade and playing games with him. If it's your turn, you have to drink your cup. Hey, whatever works.

His blood work is great!!!!!!!!!!
WBC 4.82
RBC 3.44

As you go to sleep tonight, please remember to thank the one that made this happen. HE is smiling down on us right now. Thank you for your continuing support.
Love, Tina

Tueday, February 11, 2003 5:48 AM CST

Day +28

Austin is up and munching on peanut butter and crackers. Yesterday they discontinued his IV nutrition and he is on his own. No more IV poles, thank goodness. I am so proud of this little guy. His food of choice all day yesterday was Pringles. He managed to consume 1 1/2 canisters. No, thoses numbers are not a misprint! He is starting to graze like a goat.

Todays blood work has not come back yet but yesterday his counts were as follows:
WBC 2.81
RBC 3.02
Platelets 33- I'm sure we will get a transfusion today or tomorrow

Now, for the great news- we are being discharged TOMORROW!!!
They are having a party for him before we go to Hope Lodge. Austin is going to be thrilled. We haven't told him yet, just in case there is a problem. I do not know how much longer we will stay up here. Dr. Lucas said anywhere up to six weeks. Austin has fought very hard to reach this milestone and I am so proud of him.

One night, a few weeks ago, I couldn't sleep so I started reading some of our friends caringbridge pages. I read the journal of a friend whose sweet little girl is now in heaven. Her entry was about this room. "Janies room". She wrote that she knew that there was a mom in her little girls room at that very moment holding vigil over there child. All I could do was cry. I was that mom, and Austin was that child. This room is where her daughter bravely fought this terrible disease and went on to be with Jesus. So many times, this is the case. I feel so fortunate that tomorrow we will leave this room, and very blessed that we were able to share "Janies room". I, like her mother, wish that no other child would have to ever enter this room, that cancer would no longer be a threat to our children. This disease has made me very aware of how precious our time on this earth is. Our children are only on loan to us for a short time. We may have them a lifetime but they grow up so fast. Hug your children. Tell them how much they mean to you. Play with them. Discipline them. Teach them to be all of the wonderful things God intends for them to be.

Have a great day, Tina

Sunday, February 9, 2003 10:12 PM CST

Night #26
My precious little boy is sleeping soundly and I sit amazed at how strong and brave he is. God has helped him have a courage that is unmatched by anyone I know. He is still on a Pringles and brownie kick, washing it down with Gatorade. Whatever works!

Both of my kids, as I say constantly, are the joy and light of my life, and I could not imagine life without having had them. Even during this journey through cancer, I have learned more than I would have otherwise. The time with my children is precious and I cherish each moment. When I picked Meagan up from school last Thursday, she dove in the backseat, told me she was glad to see me, and immediately began a twenty minute story about "something". I forgot how animated and funny she could be... and I had almost forgotten what it was like to listen to one of her "steering wheel gripping" tales. If you know my sweet Meagan, you are probably smiling right now.

Austin's count are starting to rise again, and this time they should not drop.
Thank you for your constant prayers.

Love, Tina

Sunday, February 9, 2003 10:12 PM CST

Night #26
My precious little boy is sleeping soundly and I sit amazed at how strong and brave he is. God has helped him have a courage that is unmatched by anyone I know. He is still on a Pringles and brownie kick, washing it down with Gatorade. Whatever works!

Both of my kids, as I say constantly, are the joy and light of my life, and I could not imagine life without having had them. Even during this journey through cancer, I have learned more than I would have otherwise. The time with my children is precious and I cherish each moment. When I picked Meagan up from school last Thursday, she dove in the backseat, told me she was glad to see me, and immediately began a twenty minute story about "something". I forgot how animated and funny she could be... and I had almost forgotten what it was like to listen to one of her "steering wheel gripping" tales. If you know my sweet Meagan, you are probably smiling right now.

Austin's count are starting to rise again, and this time they should not drop.
Thank you for your constant prayers.

Love, Tina

Saturday, February 8, 2003 7:58 PM CST

Day +25

Dear Friends,

I hope each one of you are having a great weekend. What beautiful weather we are having, cold as it is. Austin continues to build new white blood cells and his strength is improving daily. His courage through the past six months has been an inspiration to me. There have been many times when I have wanted to run away from this scary disease- not literally- and I look deep into those beautiful blue eyes and see a spirit that only God can explain. My children have such a zest for life and I am so glad, even if I can't keep up with them.

Austin is starting to get his appetite back. He is eating Pringles and brownies, the drink of choice for the moment is Gatorade. There is some talk that we may be outpatient by the end of the week. We would still have to stay in Birmingham for clinic everyday but it is the first step to coming home. I try not to think too far ahead, one day at a time.

Have a great Sunday,
Tina

Friday, February 7, 2003 2:07 PM CST

Day +24

Hi friends,
I am sorry I haven't updated but everything is going well. I came home yesterday and Jojo (grandma) came up and took my place. She and Austin have been having a great time together.
Austin's white count is around 2000 and holding. It has dropped some- this is normal- but seems to be climbing back up. He is stronger than ever and busy 24/7.
Your continued prayers are being heard. God is so good to us, even during troubled times. I used to only feel His presence during those really hard times when I was sitting on the bottom. I have realized that God not only sits on the bottom with us BUT He is there for us during those good times too. God never gives up on us.
Have a great weekend, Tina

Wednesday, February 5, 2003 11:05 AM CST

Day +22 .....and counting....

Austin is countinuing to produce good cells....I wish I could tell the mom that donated her babies cord blood to the registry how thankful I am....I pray God will fill her heart with my love and graditude...not a day goes by that I don't think about this blessing.

Byrd Baggett, a friend from Fairhope, used to come in Page and Palette for coffee every morning, and before he would leave, I would ask for words of wisdom. The one that sticks in my mind all during the day is "Don't quit before the blessing". Well, God has given me a new start on my life, each day is a blessing....and with Austin and Meagan each day I spend with them gives me a new memory, a new blessing to count. I did not choose to take this adventure, but I am positive that without it I would not be the person I am today, still growing, still reaching for what God always has instore for me.

God Bless Your Day, Tina

Tueday, February 4, 2003 7:24 PM CST

DAY +21

Austins counts are as follows:
WBC 3.27
RBC 3.07
HGB 9.7
HCT 28.1
Platelets 55

He now has fighting cells to help his skin heal faster!
He is very sore but still can last longer than Mom.

Mommy is very tired tonight so I am not going to write long, BUT please know that I pray for each of you every night. God knows you all by heart.

Love, Tina

Monday, February 3, 2003 10:59 PM CST

I am sorry that I have not updated the webpage until now but the little man has kept me busy. He did not have his procedure this morning but the prayer that you covered us with was greatly accepted. Dr. Lucas wanted to give Austin a day or two more to try and get some of his appetite back. I will be glad to get off of the TPN and not have to put too much focus on the liver. Austins WBC (2,370) is still rising, thanks be to God, and he is continuing to amaze the Drs. with his progress.

This morning he received platelets, and they are continuing to lower his morphine dose. Most of his medications have been switched over from IV to pill form. Of course, the wonderful tasting blood pressure medicines that he takes are still only in liquid form- and he is still very delightful to bond with at midnight and four a.m. while taking these!!! Dr. Lucas is slowly lowering the steroid dose, as well, but he will stay on a maintenance dose for some time. Large dose steroids in small children are a treat- they scream at you, cry, throw things, tell you they love you, tell you they don't like you, and call the nurses every terrible name they have learned while watching too much of Cartoon Network!

Papa and Barbara are up visiting us and we are both enjoying the company. Austin has been teaching them all about Playstation. Today I put a bunch of blankets on the floor and we sat and played cars for awhile. He is walking around the unit some and slowly getting more steady on his feet. His legs are tired tonight. The chemo and radiation combined has caused most of his body to have skin breakdown and he is very sensitive still. New skin is growing and he looks great to me, but if you didn't know better you would think he had been burned really bad. His courage still makes me melt, he is so brave. I couldn't have gotten through half of what this child has gone through. Each day I am reminded of how incredible God is... if you just believe.

Love, Tina

Saturday, February 1, 2003 8:49 PM CST

Day +18

Hello friends,
Austin and Sissy are playing a game so I had a minute to update his site. Austin has not seen Meagan in almost a month so their reunion has been great. (Arguing and all)Meagan and I went to see the musical "Cats" this afternoon. I called Austin and held the phone up during his favorite part- Rum Tum Tugger- and from there on he listened to the musical until intermission. Thank goodness for free weekends. We brought him back an autographed ticket and he was thrilled. I missed having him there, but I keep looking forward and I can finally see the outline to the end of the rainbow. All four of our lives have changed, from being turned up side down without warning, to adjusting to this new routine. We will hopefully be outpatient in another 2 wks (yes, he is way ahead of schedule, thanks be to God). We will go either to Hope Lodge or an apartment, whichever comes available first. Soon, we will be back home, and will re-adjust to life at home again. I cannot wait. I miss my house, my yard, my friends, my bicycle, my own bed, and my church. I miss holding Meagans hand during nighttime prayers, stumping my toe on toys that magically appear in door ways, and I miss just "being still".

I thank God for the miracle of healing in my childs life and for the healing that he has done in my own life. I praise Him for the friendships that we all have in our lives. WE COULD NOT have gone through this without the contant prayers and support from all of you. Thank you will never be enough.

On Monday, Austin is going to have a feeding tube put in to help releave the stress that his liver is under. He has been on TPN for too long. (TPN is nutrition through his cental IV). Now it will go straight to his tummy via nose tube. And let me tell you how thrilled he is???. He wants to eat so badly but he cannot find anything that tastes right. Tonight he wanted cinnamon sticks from Pizza Hut. There were only two PH in this big city with good health ratings. (He can only dine at 90 or above- I like 96 or above). When I showed up with his order he was very excited. He ate about three inches of one stick and loved it- that's a start. I pray for Austin to have a sense of calmness on Monday during this procedure, he is very frightened.
That's all for now. Love, Tina

Friday, January 31, 2003 at 09:05 PM (CST)

Day +17

Meagan and Daddy have arrived for the weekend and Austin is thrilled. Meagan and I are headed to Hope Lodge to spend the night. Austin is in good spirits and doing well.
His counts are unchanged from yesterday and his liver function tests are doing much better.

Thank you for caring for our little man as much as we do.
May each of you have a blessed weekend.
All my love, Tina

Friday, January 31, 2003 at 09:05 PM (CST)

Day +17

Meagan and Daddy have arrived for the weekend and Austin is thrilled. Meagan and I are headed to Hope Lodge to spend the night. Austin is in good spirits and doing well.
His counts are unchanged from yesterday and his liver function tests are doing much better.

Thank you for caring for our little man as much as we do.
May each of you have a blessed weekend.
All my love, Tina

Thursday, January 30, 2003 at 11:27 AM (CST)

Today is Day +16 and...

WE ARE ENGRAFTING!!!!! Dr. Lucas came in and said we now have 1400 WBC (1.40). They have been gaining speed since last Thursday. Jimmy and I are both speechless. Last weekend, we were told that they thought Austins transplant was engrafting (his body accepting the new cells) but they needed to make sure with some blood work and such. Today it is official and we are praising God for this incredible miracle. Austin has done so very well and last night ate some spagetti and took some sips of Gatorade. He is working so hard to "blow this popsicle stand" (those are his words).

Thank you for all of your prayers and daily support. It helps all of us as we stretch to reach these goals.

Now, on the down side. Austins liver test have been coming back high (a side effect we were warned of) and they are taking him off of some of his meds to see if it will help. Today, his blood work on the liver was down from yesterday but they are keeping a close eye on it. He would hate for the Drs. to get board.

God bless you my friends,
Tina

Wednesday, January 29, 2003 at 11:15 AM (CST)

Day +15

Good morning,

Austin is in a grumpy mood today... I have been looking for where he parked his broom. He is entitled to several grumpy days, or weeks, if he chooses. I am told that when new white cells are moving into your marrow that it can be very painful. He is occupying himself with this playstation game. I can understand why children can get addicted to these games... parents too! We have been fighting over the controls. This game, Spyro, is alot of fun, and it does keep his mind off of his pain and peeling skin. Just don't ever give advice on where to send the dragon next. Unsolicited advice is not wanted!!!

As always, he is amazing with his spirit to fight back and to gain control of his body. Children can endure so much more than most adults. His counts are coming up and we are just waiting for some good fighting cells. I promise to update immediately with any good news.

God bless your day. Tina

WBC 1.08 up from 0.70
RBC 2.66 down so we are getting blood right now
HBG 8.1
Platelets 74 yeah!

Tuesday, January 28, 2003 at 02:53 PM (CST)

Day +14

White Count is 700 rising
Platelets 14- not good, transfused this a.m.

I am sorry that I haven't updated earlier but the little man keeps me on my toes. Our biggest dilemia today is getting this dragon guy to "hover" on his playstation. My eyes are now crossing from several nonstop hours of play.

This morning started off with a bang. Austin started having severe leg pain that he fought- with the help of meds- for about an hour. He cried and cried, and kept asking, "why did I have to get this cancer?", "why couldn't Meagan have gotten it instead" (poor Sissy). My heart was breaking for him. How do I answer a question that, at age 36, I have no answer for? As I have written before, this is not the first time he has asked this question. His leg pain is because of the white cells forcing their way into his marrow. He told me to "get those new cells out of his legs". Hopefully, he will soon "engraft" with those new cells. I have to believe that in God's great plan Austin is going to be just fine.

I ran across a poem that I want to share with you...

BELIEVE

When you have come to the edge
Of all the light you know

And you are about to step off
Into the darkness of the unknown,

Faith is knowing
One of two things will happen:

There will be something solid to stand on,
Or you will be taught how to fly.

Author Unknown

For the very first time in my life I am learning how to fly. God has provided me with strength that I NEVER knew I had. I would never have signed up for this journey but I am thankful that I am Austin's mommy, and that I can be here for him. He, along with his sister, bring me and Jimmy great joy.

I will continue to thank you for sticking by our family, day after day. I know you are there, I feel your prayers daily. And Austin loves hearing from you.

I must go now. The five year old in charge is trying to give his nurse the top ten reasons why he shouldn't take his blood pressure medicine.

Love, Tina

Tuesday, January 28, 2003 at 02:53 PM (CST)

Day +14

White Count is 700 rising
Platelets 14- not good, transfused this a.m.

I am sorry that I haven't updated earlier but the little man keeps me on my toes. Our biggest dilemia today is getting this dragon guy to "hover" on his playstation. My eyes are now crossing from several nonstop hours of play.

This morning started off with a bang. Austin started having severe leg pain that he fought- with the help of meds- for about an hour. He cried and cried, and kept asking, "why did I have to get this cancer?", "why couldn't Meagan have gotten it instead" (poor Sissy). My heart was breaking for him. How do I answer a question that, at age 36, I have no answer for? As I have written before, this is not the first time he has asked this question. His leg pain is because of the white cells forcing their way into his marrow. He told me to "get those new cells out of his legs". Hopefully, he will soon "engraft" with those new cells. I have to believe that in God's great plan Austin is going to be just fine.

I ran across a poem that I want to share with you...

BELIEVE

When you have come to the edge
Of all the light you know

And you are about to step off
Into the darkness of the unknown,

Faith is knowing
One of two things will happen:

There will be something solid to stand on,
Or you will be taught how to fly.

Author Unknown

For the very first time in my life I am learning how to fly. God has provided me with strength that I NEVER knew I had. I would never have signed up for this journey but I am thankful that I am Austin's mommy, and that I can be here for him. He, along with his sister, bring me and Jimmy great joy.

I will continue to thank you for sticking by our family, day after day. I know you are there, I feel your prayers daily. And Austin loves hearing from you.

I must go now. The five year old in charge is trying to give his nurse the top ten reasons why he shouldn't take his blood pressure medicine.

Love, Tina

Monday, January 27, 2003 at 09:24 PM (CST)

Tonight is DAY 13

Happy Monday,
Jimmy and I swapped places again this weekend and I was able to go with Meagan on a field trip today. Austin is doing very well. Aunt Susie spent the night with him last night and he is still in fine spirits. He received platelets yesterday and his color looks much better. His brusing is disappearing and his skin is pealing and healing. Each day without any complications or problems is a blessing. His white count is starting to slowing increase so the Dr.s are watching for a pattern. No news yet.

Thank you for blessing us with your daily encouragement,
Tina

Friday, January 24, 2003 at 11:10 AM (CST)

Day +10

Good Morning!
Austin and I are up and watching "Zeus and Roxanne". Great movie! It is really cold outside (6) so we are snuggling and having a pajama day. He seems to have a bit more energy than yesterday but is still tired. We need those white cells to get the show on the road. We are so blessed that Austin is without infections- thanks be to God!

Dr. Amy came up last night and had a silly string fight with Austin. She had no mercy on him and it was wonderful. He was smiling from head to toe. Thank you for lifting my little guy up and for continuing to send words of encouragement.

...and the greatest of these is LOVE!

Love, Tina

WBC 0.14
RBC 3.51
HGB 10.9
PCV 30.8
Platelets 50

Thursday, January 23, 2003 at 10:22 PM (CST)

Day +9

Dear Friends,
Austin is still doing well, just alot less energy today. His blood pressure is still too high so they started him on a BP medicine today. I am looking forward to him taking his midnight dose---NOT! He made me taste it before he took it the first time. FYI: it tasted like salt water.

I went to support group tonight. To join your child has to have a type of cancer. (This is one group I would gladly give up). Anyway, I love the parents that I get to see each week at the meeting. Tonight, there were new faces there and they asked where we were from. I told them that Austin and I live in a gated community on the 6th floor. (That is true, this is a locked unit).

Today, I have tried to find humor in everything I can. Austin really is doing great but it tears at my heart to see him weak and hurting. The fight is still there, he is as stubborn as I ever thought about being. I pray for patience and strength and always laughter. God has been kind to me, even though I stumble and fall. I learn something new with each sunrise, and by the time the sun has set I am thankful for another day as a mommy.
Sweet Dreams,
Tina

WBC 0.13 no grafting yet BUT it's going to happen
RBC 3.43
HGB 10.9
PCV 29.9
Platelets 90

Wednesday, January 22, 2003 at 11:01 PM (CST)

Today was Day +8

Hello everyone,
My little man is sleeping and I am finally able to sit down and update. He is a busy little patient. Today he received both blood and platelets, and medicine for high blood pressure (caused by two of the medicines). The med was in liquid form and he had to squirt it under his tongue- just imagine how happy he was. The med disolves immediately so when he started spitting it was already gone. By the time this is over we will be sharing his high blood pressure medicine!!! Tomorrow his blood work should be up so he should have more energy than he did today. He dozed most of the day. No WBC's yet.

He has been planning his trip to summer camp- Camp Smile-A-Mile. He plans on going without me (for a week). He called our friend Linda, "camp smile a mile lady", today and told her he needed a flashlight for camp. Camp is in June, you can never plan too far ahead. As I write, the flashlight is in bed with him. He also asked her if she would go home and cook him some cinnamon sticks like they have at Pizza Hut. He said his PH was 800 hours away from here. Camp SAM is a camp for children with cancer, family camp, and sibling camp (for Meagan).

Austin has decided on his Magic Moments wish. Are you ready for this? He plans on going mushing in Alaska. I can't wait. I should start packing tomorrow! I am sure we will go when it is night 24/7 or daytime 24/7. All kidding aside, I would go to Mars with this kid. The good thing about being little is that you can go, do, or be anything you want. It just takes determination.

Sleep Well. Tina

Platelets 24
PCV 23.1
Hgb. 8.1
RBC 2.66
WBC 0.06 Grow, Cells, Grow

Tuesday, January 21, 2003 at 11:26 PM (CST)

It is so wonderful to open up Austins web page and read notes from all of our friends and family. It can sustain me for a long time. Austin has played all day long, and is literally exhausted. He is sleeping soundly and has been for a while. We both were asleep at 5:30 this afternoon!

Austin is doing much better than expected, though we are still battling mouth sores. Prayers are covering his boo-boos!!! He is starting to have allergic reactions to one of his steriods so they are giving him some Benadryl before each dose- this is why he fell asleep so early. Anyway, he hates to go to sleep so the Dr. is having to sneak it into his pump. He is having alot of fears at bedtime and I am working hard to calm these fears (along with the rest of the staff). It is hard for an adult to let go of scary things so I can only imagine how hard it is for a 5 yr. old. I have given God many problems in my life and then tried to help Him solve them. I love to help out. Children do not have the ability to hand something over to God as we do. I feel a peace knowing that God is caring for my precious children, but children can't quite grasp that concept. Austin wants to see God. My prayer is that God will take Austins fears away and replace his anxiety with peace. I wish this prayer for all of you tonight. Whatever you are battling, close you eyes, cup your hands, and lift them up and let God take your worries. For four months now, I have not tried to help God take care of Austin, and I have felt peace.
God Bless, Tina

Tuesday, January 21, 2003 at 06:10 AM (CST)

Day +7
Good Morning Friends,
The energizer bunny is already up and giving orders this morning. He had some pain during the night from his mouth sores but is doing fine now. He continues to surprise me with how well he is doing. His blood counts have not changed very much but today starts his medication (Neupogen)that helps his cells rebuild. FYI- For all of our friends that will soon come up to Stem Cell, they put the shots in the IV, no more sticks). GROW CELLS, GROW!!!

Have a great day.
Love,
Austin and Mom

Monday, January 20, 2003 at 10:02 PM (CST)

Austin has finally gone to sleep and I pray for a very restful night. He has had a great day, fever free, with lots of energy. (This amazes me considering his counts are almost gone).

We moved into a larger room today and we love it. #659 It has more room to more around in. We are going to decorate the walls with all of his cards. Austin loves to get mail, it is such a bright spot in the day.

For the past five months, we have lived here more than at home. It is so nice to read your emails and receive mail from all of you. It can get so lonely up here, but I thank God every day for His blessings. We are so fortunate that the medical community has come such a long way in their knowledge of blood diseases.

Tonight, as I type this, I am missing my little girl and I ask for your continued prayers for her. Her life has been turned upside down as well. Her Daddy takes very good care of her but she still misses us and she worries about her brother. Sometimes I feel like she is outside looking in. Her friendships are very important to her and she wants to be just like everyone else. I will be glad to be back home with her, just as Jimmy cannot wait to have his little fishing buddy back in Fairhope again.

Sweet Dreams,
Tina

Monday, January 20, 2003 at 09:10 AM (CST)

Day 6+
2nd Update

Dr. Sande just finished examining Austin and he is doing fantastic. She is amazed at the fact that he is out of bed playing (with a water balloon). His white count is 90 (normal is 5,000-10,000) BUT he is feeling so good. He has not pushed his pain medicine button since 4 a.m.

Thank you, Dear Lord, for this gift of good news, and also for my little Dennis the Menace. The nurses have named him that!

Love, Tina

Monday, January 20, 2003 at 06:48 AM (CST)

Day +6
Good Morning,
Austin is feeling so well this morning that we started our day at 4:00 a.m. Spongebob Square Pants comes on very early, which is okay considering how mindless that cartoon is.

Austin has not been in any pain so far today. He is so strong and so very brave. I am so proud of both of my children because they have such a love for life. Meagan was full of energy this weekend. She has such a zest for life!

During the holidays we did a lot of back and forth trips to UAB. It was during one of those long car trips that he asked, "Mom, why didn't Meagan catch leukemia when I did?". I thought for a moment before I answered, praying that God would give me the right words to use. I tried to explain to him that you couldn't "catch" leukemia and that no one knows how you get this disease. I told him that God could and would help us get through this yucky time. He asked if God had lots of Angels helping him, and I told him yes. I can feel Angels all around him. It is so hard to explain cancer to a child. Adults, me included, can't even grasp this ugly disease. We turn to God for a sense of peace and strength that only comes from Him.

I HATE cancer but I thank God every day that I can at least grow during this experience. My faith in God has blossomed more than I ever imagined. Please remember this: GOD did not give Austin cancer nor did He cause it to happen. But He is using this experience to teach us all about life and love and hope and faith. The next time you get mad at someone, stop and think if it is really worth it, and that forgiveness can be a blessing.

Love, Tina

WBC 0.09 normal is 5-10,000

Sunday, January 19, 2003 at 08:09 PM (CST)

Good evening all,
Austin has been sleeping beside me as I journal. This is a blessing- he awoke a few minutes ago and screamed at me as if we were filming a scene from the Exercist- and now he and his nurse are argueing. I bet he wins!!!

Austin had to have surgery this afternoon and is feeling so very tired. His central line started leaking around the site so it had to be replaced. He is tolerating his mucositis with some help from the morphine drip. They say that this is all very normal. As I write, he has spiked a fever (101.4) probably from the surgery. He has wet cloths all over him. We are still praying for no infection. Infection with no WBC's is very unwanted!

Thank you for your continued prayers. When I feel overwhelmed, I also feel prayer. Friendship is a gift I cherished.
Love, Tina

Friday, January 17, 2003 at 09:59 AM (CST)

Day +3
Good morning,
The mucositis has started to really give Austin grief but he is being so brave. I just cannot imagine this getting any worse. He is sleeping at the moment, and when I look over at him I know that he is just resting up for the fight. God has such great plans for him.

His white blood count is continuing to to drop to 0, as expected. Stem cell transplants usually graft around day 21. This is when we should see his counts start to climb.

Jimmy and I are doing the weekend switch. Next weekend, Meagan will start coming up to B'ham for the weekends. She is so homesick for mommy. I feel that my heart is split in two separate pieces and live 4 hours apart. I am sure there dad feels that way too.

Alexis is on the vent in PICU but is holding her on. She is able to rest while her mucositis heals. She is a tough little girl.

May God bless your day,
Love Tina

Thursday, January 16, 2003 at 01:52 PM (CST)

Day +2
Happy afternoon friends,
We had a long night last night and are just getting the chance to update. The mucocitis (sp) is starting to cause some pain and his voice is hoarse from his throat breaking down. BUT... he is doing very well! He has only had small amounts of morphine. They have hooked up a continues drip with a button that he can push when he needs a boost of the med. It has a lock so that no matter how much he pushes it, it will only release the medicine at a certain time. He, of course, is holding it like a blasting gun at the nurses. I am very proud of his ability to focus on something else when the pain comes. He hates anything that makes him sleepy. I don't blame him.

Alexis has gone back down to PICU due to some lung complications. She needs lots of prayers. God has blessed her with such a strong will. She is such a miracle.

I love you, my friends, and I continue to thank God for your presence in my life.
Love, Tina

Wednesday, January 15, 2003 at 06:24 AM (CST)

Good morning,
Austin slept through the night with no problems. They gave him platelets at bedtime after a nose bleed and his coloring is much better. (I think his nosebleed was from high altitudes- the nurse was raising his bed last night and he climbed up to the top and was riding it as though he were at the fair!!!). The little man is something else.

Have a great day!
Love, Tina

White Blood Count (WBC) .12
Platelets 123

Tuesday, January 14, 2003 at 06:21 PM (CST)

Our brave little soldier is finally settling in after an exciting day. He is curled up in my bed playing with some toys and having a taste test with a bag of sour candy. He amazes me with every breath he takes. (As I write this, he has just attacked me with silly string). I know the nurses on 4 Tower sure miss being attacked by this stuff. He has been to the playroom today and has also been dancing to a Scooby Doo movie. He is radiating with happiness and I would not trade this moment for anything.

I thank God for His incredible presence in our life and for this important day.
Sweet Dreams, Tina

Tuesday, January 14, 2003 at 12:14 PM (CST)

Happy Birthday..... his transplant finished at around 11:40 a.m. He is doing well, sitting in bed eating some ice cream and playing the playstation game. We are so proud of him. Because someone donated their newborns umbilical cord, Austin gets a new start. As a friend wrote, today is the first day of the rest of his life. Jimmy and I, along with the rest of our family, are overwhelmed with emotions right now.

Today is Day 0.

Thank you for your continued prayers.
Love, Tina

Tuesday, January 14, 2003 at 08:15 AM (CST)

Yea!!! We've made it to the big day. I am both excited and nervous. Austin, on the other hand, is sleeping in, without a care in the world. Children amaze me with their carefree nature. We should all take note.

Thank you for your dedication to praying for our family.
Love Tina

Transplant time- 10:00 a.m.

Monday, January 13, 2003 at 06:41 PM (CST)

Today has been a great day of rest for Austin. No yucky test and no medicine by mouth. He is feeling great and is excited about his transplant. He asked Dr. Sandy tonight if his cord blood was already sitting in the pantry! You have to laugh.

He is such a wise little man and knows all about his big day, his "new birthday". No school tomorrow! He plans on playing in the play room with Ms. Jennifer after his transplant.

Transplant time is 10:00 a.m.
Infusion time is 15- 30 minutes

We appreciate your prayers and your love. God bless.
Tina

Sunday, January 12, 2003 at 11:42 PM (CST)

Monday is our "Day of Rest". No more chemo or ATG (anti rejection med). Austin is doing well, still full of mischief and smiles. He was sad to see his daddy leave to go back to Fairhope, just as Meagan was sad to see me leave. You never realize how much goodbye hurts until you say it.

I brought my prayer journal back, "When I'm On My Knees". (In this journal there is a daily devotional and then a place to write your thoughts). Tonight I picked it up and opened it to the last entry, August 20, 2002. That was the morning before Austin was diagnosed. The scripture was "Seek peace and pursue it". My journal entry was this: Dear Lord, today may I walk in grace, with you leading my every step. I thanked Him for the sense of peace I felt in my life that morning and I asked Him to keep my children safe. Wow!

There are moments when I feel like I am going to break from being too tired or I am very frightened. Then I remember who's in charge. He sure is bigger than me! I sure am glad.
God bless you my friends, Tina

Saturday, January 11, 2003 at 02:30 PM (CST)

Austin is doing absolutely terrific. He has had very little side effects thus far. I pray this continues. God has touched this little man and through him I am being blessed. Today is another round of chemo and ATG. Daddy is up playing with Austin and they seem to being having a big time together. I snuck home to love on May-may and grab some things I forgot to pack. I am going to try and leave before the snow and sleet get to B'ham.

Thank you for your prayers, GOD IS LISTENING!!!
Love, Tina

Friday, January 10, 2003 at 09:05 AM (CST)

As my sweet baby boy sleeps, they have started his chemo and ATG. I am sitting here watching how peaceful he is and all I can do is smile. He is so brave and I am so very proud to be his mom. He is ready for this fight, I can see it and I can feel it.

I am doing fine, I have such a peace about this. His nurse practioner came in this morning and gave me all of the "bells and whistles" to look for and I told her we would be fine. All of God's angels are circling our entire family right now.

I will do my best to update at least twice a day.
I love you my friends, Tina

Thursday, January 09, 2003 at 09:12 AM (CST)

As I pulled up the web site this morning, Austin was yelling at the playstation because his man was getting run over. I read Chris and Cam's email to him about anger. He made a face at me and smiled. What perfect timing!
I have learned that getting angry at this disease could drain me if I let it. The best that I can do is say, "God, I don't understand this, so I am walking away and giving it to you". The situation may not change but the way I perceive it can.

Austin is down to his last two doses of radiation today. YEAH! No more field trips across town. He has tolerated the treatment well, just extremely tired by the end of the day. Tomorrow starts chemo, Cytoxan, and they expect horrible mouth sores. (The radiation is already starting to break down his mouth a bit).My prayer is that his mouth sores do not get out of control.

Alexis is in PICU and on the vent. THIS IS OKAY. She just needs a break with her breathing. Her mouth and throat are broken down from her treatments. Mom (Alice) is doing well. Alexis is a two year old version of Austin. (Just as a reminder, Alexis had a rare brain tumor and was transplanted on Monday). Keep her in your prayers.

Tyler Estes (football player that had the heat stroke)was at the hospital for a check up yesterday and is doing wonderful. Isn't God good.

School is in session, gotta go. Love, Tina

Wednesday, January 08, 2003 at 08:42 AM (CST)

Good Morning,
It amazes me that Austins web page has been opened over 11,000 times. I get so excited when I pull it up and see that someone has been thinking about us. There are days when I pull up the site ten or more times. Friendship and prayer have sustained us thus far. God blesses me every moment of the day. Sometimes it is so easy to hurry along and miss that blessing. If I could give just one peace of advice it would be this... stop and smell the roses all during the day. Embrace this beautiful day and always find three positives to focus on. Don't ever linger in the negative, and find FORGIVING love when you have been hurt or disappointed. The greatest gift God has given us is love.

Austin is doing really well this morning. We have finished one treatment and have two left for today.
I'll write later. Ms. Rhonda, Austins teacher, has just come in. Love, Tina

Tuesday, January 07, 2003 at 10:30 PM (CST)

We have finished another day of radiation, with just 6 treatments remaining. Austin is wiped out, sleeping soundly. It takes a great deal of energy being as brave as he is, and even more to give orders to the nurses. He is doing great.
I talked with Meagan tonight and she is really missing mommy. I am so proud of her bravery as well as her strength. She is going through so much too. (Her daddy is taking very good care of her though). She never fails to surprise me either. With all of this going on she still remains an A+ student. If you see her beautiful little face coming your way, please give her a big hug. She is a bright and shining star. I love her so much.

Update: Alexis had her transplant on Monday. She has had some very intense chemo and has done well. Please pray for Gods healing touch on Alexis. FYI- she is just like Austin, tough as nails.
Austin and I are enjoying the emails. He can sit in his bed and see the computer monitor as I read them to him. Thank you for continuing to lift us up.
God bless your night. Love, Tina

Tuesday, January 07, 2003 at 09:36 AM (CST)

Good morning. We have already had one radiation treatment today and are back in our room playing. Austin is being so brave, they did not have to sedate him this a.m. Yesterday, they sedated him and it took from 7:30 a.m. until 6:00 p.m. We had to stay at UAB all day because of the sedation but he did great. This morning, he walked in and said, "nobody is going to sleep today so lets get going". We all cheered him on. He has to lay on the floor with a plexiglass table on top of him with lung shields over it. I can see him on a monitor and can talk to him through a speaker. I sang to him, and we pretended to be on the bottom of the ocean floor. He tried to hear the roar of the ocean.
Last night, I could not sleep so I imagined being at the Orange street pier watching the stars. (This summer the kids and I did that alot). I cannot believe how our lives have changed. God has been so faithful to us and I just hope I can give back what He has given. I can always, always feel His presence. What do people do without him?
Thank you for your steadfast friendship,
Tina

Sunday, January 05, 2003 at 07:06 PM (CST)

Dear Friends,
We are settled into our new room. Austin loves his new hospital bed. The controls are on the sides of the bed where he can reach them and he has been riding it, as though it is a ride at an amusement park. The nurses have no idea what they are in for! His spirits are great and I am so proud of him. I am also proud of his big sister for being such a brave young lady in the midst of all of this. I have missed half of her school year and all of her 3rd grade "stuff". I am glad that we are beginning the last leg of this journey. We are fortunate to have this opportunity.
Mom is having a harder time making the transition. Today has been a difficult day but I know that by tomorrow I will snap back into "the here and now".

Tomorrows Schedule: Electron Beam Radiation and
Total Body Irradiation
7:00 am, 11:00 am, 3:00pm


We need lots of prayers. His fever (105. last night) is believed to be caused from the radiation.
He has no fever at this time.
Good Bless, Tina

Saturday, January 04, 2003 at 10:08 AM (CST)

Austin is being Austin, as always. He came through his first two days of radiation really well. He is an exceptional child and we are all so proud of him.
We got home last night at 5:30. At 6:00 I took him to Thomas Hospital with a fever of 103.8 and Dr.Bishop admitted him. This morning he is going back to B'hamdue to fever and low blood pressure. They are waiting for his BP to go up a bit before transferring him. He is such a trooper. He will be admitted on the Stem Cell Unit.
On a sad note, my friend Linda called to let me know that our little friend Janie is now an Angel. She went to run and play up in the sky where every day is a good day and blue skies are always there. Please surround her wonderful family with your prayers. I can only imagine what they are feeling right now. My heart hurts for them.
Love, Tina

Wednesday, January 01, 2003 at 02:46 PM (CST)

Quick update,
We have been running back and forth to B'ham for test and radiation markings and since Austins skin lesions are becoming more previlent we are in route to Childrens today (on an outpatient basis) to start the radiation beam therapy. They have never done this type of radiation on a child before so Austin is going to be there star pupil. We will come back to Fairhope Friday to pack up and go back on Sunday a.m. What a week.
Austin and Meagan are both doing great. We have enjoyed our time together as a family.
Love, Tina

Friday, December 27, 2002 at 04:12 PM (CST)

Austin had his catheter replaced today and came through with flying colors. That's my boy!
I went to the bone marrow/ blood drive today. I gave blood and got on the registry- yeah! Maybe one day I can give back to someone, just as they have done for my child. I am still in awe at the fact that because of someone else my child has a chance at tomorrow. Thank you God.
I am enjoying being at home with my children and I am not ready to start thinking about going back. Time seems to be flying by faster than I want. Fortunately, I have been able to see many of my friends.
On a more serious note, there is no way to ever fully thank you for all of the wonderful things you have done for all of us. The phone calls, cards, care packages, and PRAYERS have been a blessing. This website has been a God send for being able to update you a all hours of the day and night. I feel as though I can reach out and touch you and I can vizualize the hugs being sent our way. Thank you so much. Our new room will have a computer in it and I am so excited. No more going to the nurses station at odd hours.
Love Tina

4 Tower Nurses- I miss you.

Thursday, December 26, 2002 at 06:45 PM (CST)

Tonight my sisters and I (along with Meagan) have gathered together for a little Ya Ya togetherness (Tara is looking over my shoulder and said that). I am enjoying family time, I am treasuring every bit of it. Austin is up in Birmingham with Jimmy. Todays test went really well, no liver problems were detected. Tomorrow the surgeons will replace Austins central line. I hope this next one will last for a while. He is such a mess.
Meagan and I spent most of today spending time together. We played games, racked the yard, and tried to find this certain computer game that we need in order for the one Santa brought to work. No luck so far.
Tomorrow is the Bone Marrow/ Blood Drive in Austin's honor. If you have the time, please come by and get a blood test. There is someone out there that needs a chance for tomorrow.
God Bless, Tina

Wednesday, December 25, 2002 at 08:45 PM (CST)

Merry Christmas from the Baker's!!!
Today has been an incredible day, the most memorable and joyous of all Christmas's. Austin has been in rare form all day and he and Meagan have just blessed my socks off. I have always cherished Christmas but this year I tried to soak up every ounce of the day.
Austin and Jimmy just left heading up to Birmingham tonight. Austin has to have an ultrasound at 7:00 in the a.m. followed by an appointment in Clinic 5. Some of his blood work (Kidney Function) has come back elevated so they need to check and make sure he is okay. He is also facing having his central line replaced (again) soon. He is all boy. This will be his third one.
I am trying not to think about when we have to move back up to B'ham. I am thankful for the opportunity that it is giving Austin but it is going to be hard leaving my precious daughter again, and entering this new journey. We have two friends on the stem cell unit. 5 year old Janie Sims and in a few days 2 yr. old Alexis Lindsey will be going up. Please keep these precious children in your prayers. Janie has already been transplanted and is going through the tough stuff as we speak. I pray for healing and strength for them.
Fri is Bone Marrow/ Blood Drive in Fairhope at the K-1 ctr. 12:00- 6 p.m.
May each of you be blessed as much as you have blessed me,
Love Tina

Friday, December 20, 2002 at 05:22 PM (CST)

Austin is doing so well. He has been riding his bike and I have been running after him. Yes, he is wearing his helmet. I have enjoyed being home and I am loving having my children together again. Every morning I get down on my knees and thank God for such an amazing gift, the gift of life.
We went up to B'ham for the day yesterday and had his pretests done.
We check in on Jan. 5 to start total body irradiation and chemo. On Jan. 14 he will have his transplant.

BONE MARROW DRIVE IN FAIRHOPE AT THE K1 CTR
Fri Dec. 27, and Sat. Dec. 28
Ms. Emily is asking for volunteers, donations, and donors.
Their are so many children and adults that need a donor so they can have a chance at life. I cannot think of a better way to start the New Year.
Thank you for your continued prayers, GOD LISTENS-
Love, Tina

Tuesday, December 17, 2002 at 05:35 PM (CST)

Dr. Watts just called and told me that Austin's bone marrow is "BACK IN TOTAL REMISSION". Thank you God. What a true Christmas miracle. I am so thankful for this gift of life and for all of you who pray for us daily... and moment by moment!
We should know a transplant date by the end of this week and I will update you asap.
Love, Tina

Tuesday, December 17, 2002 at 09:09 AM (CST)

Austin and I had a very uneventful trip to and from B'ham. Austin preliminary report came back excellent so he does not have to go to transplant until after Christmas. We are thrilled. His biopsy has not come back yet but we are very hopeful. Today my little man is going "hunting" with his dad and Uncle Johnny.
We are so blessed with our good news and are very thankful for the prayer time you all put in for our family. Thank you so much.
Meagan was named "Totally Awesome Reader" for her class this AR period. I was able to be there this morning to see her. I am so proud of her because she is going through so much too.

Please keep the McManus family in your prayers. Their precious son Joel went home to be with Jesus on Sunday and I can only imagine what they are going through.

Saturday, December 14, 2002 at 10:39 AM (CST)

I opened my sisters devotional this morning and I would like to share with you what it opened to...
"Be still, and know that I am God..."
Perserverance is more than endurance. It is endurance combined with absolute assurance and certainty that what we are looking for is going to happen. Perserverance means more than just hanging on, which may be only exposing our fear of letting go and falling.
Wow, that meant alot to me. I do not have any control over what is happening right now in my sons life BUT I can control how I react to it.
God has blessed me tenfold with my support from friends and family. Yes, I am anxious about Austins bone marrow biopsy on Monday but Monday will take care of itself.
Love, Tina

Friday, December 13, 2002 at 10:29 AM (CST)

There is a brook in the mountains,
nobody I ask knows its name. It flows through calm reaches.
The years go by, its clear depths never change.
Ch'u Ch'uang

Good morning. My computer died so I snuck up to Page and Palette to update the site...
Austin is doing really well. He got to go shopping at Target for daddy and Sissy this morning before the store opened. He had so much fun. He has not been in a store since the beginning of August. He grinned from ear to ear. He tried to shop for hisself too. I will put his pictures on the website soon.
He and Meagan have already had many fights (he's normal) and I have been ordered around by him more than I can count (he's really normal). We are enjoying being at home and I pray that we don't have to go back any sooner than Monday.
Monday is still set for his next test. We will go up and come back that day. I am trying not to be anxious but it is so hard. What gets me through this? The constant affirmation I get from friends and family. I am so blessed to have close friends that can see straight through to the depths of my soul. I don't have to verbalize my fears, hopes, and dreams.
My wish for each of you is happiness,hope, and love. "And the greatest of these is love."
God Bless your day, Tina

Tuesday, December 10, 2002 at 07:30 PM (CST)

Austin and I finally made it home! We had a very uneventful trip (yeah), and the kids are very glad to see each other. Meagan and Austin are being split between Jimmy's house and mine tonight because she has a yucky nose but they don't seem to mind. It is just so good to be home.
Thank you for your continued prayers and I will try and update Austin's web page daily.
God Bless you tonight.
Love, Tina

Monday, December 09, 2002 at 08:50 PM (CST)

I just got Austin to sleep. He was scared and wanted me to lay down with him. Of course I crawled right up in the bed with him. The room was lit only by his Christmas tree and we listened to the CD a friend made. It was so peaceful. For a few moments time seemed to stand still and I enjoyed every minute of it. He was snuggling with me and holding my hand. (Yes, he is feeling much better).
Tomorrow we are going home. We are so excited. Austin is steadily gaining his fighting cells and his strength. I am so amazed at his zest for life.
As for his blood test last week: The spinal tap was negative and the bone marrow had not recovered enough. We will come back on Monday of next week for another bone marrow aspiration and biopsy. Please say some extra prayers for Austin on that day. It is very important for this test to be clean of any leukemia cells in order for us to move forward with stem cells. We still are not sure when he will go to transplant. Everything depends on next weeks test. The doctors biopsied a lump on Austin's leg last week and it came back positive for leukemia. This means that he will have to have radiation in order to destroy the cells in his skin. If anyone can conquer this it will be Austin.
Am I overwhelmed? Yes, but I know that we are going to be okay. At times like this I really have to rely on my faith and the support of my dear friends. I thank God for each of you.
Love, Tina

Thursday, December 05, 2002 at 10:02 PM (CST)

Austin went down for "Simon Sedation" today. This is when they put him to sleep and do bone marrow biopsies and spinal taps. This morning I was nervous. While his procedure was being done I sat and prayed for strength and courage from God. Not long after I got my answer. The AC came on and a cool breeze came over me as if God were blowing some fresh air my way. It amazes me how easy it is to run from fear and how hard it is to walk to God. He waits so patiently for us but we sometimes don't remember that. So many times in my life I have wished for strength when it was right there all along.
Austin is doing pretty good. He is still fighting nausea but spent a delightful afternoon pouring a bucket of ice cold water over his head. His bed was soaked but he was beaming. The child loves water.
Thank you for being such a contant in the life of my family via emails, phone calls, cards, etc... You are our friends, you are our family. God bless your new day!
Love, Tina

Thursday, December 05, 2002 at 10:02 PM (CST)

Austin went down for "Simon Sedation" today. This is when they put him to sleep and do bone marrow biopsies and spinal taps. This morning I was nervous. While his procedure was being done I sat and prayed for strength and courage from God. Not long after I got my answer. The AC came on and a cool breeze came over me as if God were blowing some fresh air my way. It amazes me how easy it is to run from fear and how hard it is to walk to God. He waits so patiently for us but we sometimes don't remember that. So many times in my life I have wished for strength when it was right there all along.
Austin is doing pretty good. He is still fighting nausea but spent a delightful afternoon pouring a bucket of ice cold water over his head. His bed was soaked but he was beaming. The child loves water.
Thank you for being such a contant in the life of my family via emails, phone calls, cards, etc... You are our friends, you are our family. God bless your new day!
Love, Tina

Tuesday, December 03, 2002 at 11:20 PM (CST)

My heart hurts so badly tonight for two families that lost their sons. They were in the two rooms next to me and for the past two days family members have held a vigile outside of the rooms. Within 45 minutes they were both gone. When God called them home we all cried because part of our family was affected. It is so hard to walk these halls on nights like this. We all were crying and aching for them because it hit so close to home. I have cried tonight as much as I did when Austin was first diagnosed. The pain is so real, so fresh. I am thankful for the awareness I have of how fragile life is, that in a moments notice your life can change forever. My children are so important to me and I am glad that many times I skip the laundry and play barbies or trucks or just lay on the floor and watch movies.
Don't ever let life catch you by surprise. Stop and smell the roses.
Love, Tina

Tuesday, December 03, 2002 at 04:55 PM (CST)

We have not heard any news regarding transplant, but as soon as I hear something I will update the website.
Austin is doing better today but your prayers are still greatly appreciated.
Love, Tina

Monday, December 02, 2002 at 04:21 PM (CST)

I am trilled to let you know that Austin has a totally awesome cord blood match!!!!!!!!!!1
We are unsure of a date for transplant but I should know more tomorrow.
Austin was moved out of intensive care today and is settling in to his room. We are thankful for each step of progress and continue to be thankful for our blessings.
Thank you for being one of those blessings.
Love, Tina

Sunday, December 01, 2002 at 10:16 PM (CST)

Austin is still in PICU but is doing better. He is still spiking temps but his blood pressure is stable (yea). We are hoping that tomorrow he will be even better and can move to a room. I know that he is getting better because his stuffed dog is wearing his oxygen. Austin is bossing his nurses around and is not cooperating with his respiratory care. That's my child!
Goodnight my friends!
Love and Blessings, Tina

Saturday, November 30, 2002 at 12:16 PM (CST)

Austin was flown back up to Children's during the night and admitted to the Intensive Care Unit. He has a very high fever and a very low blood pressure but... as I walked back in to see him an hour ago that sparkle was already back in his eyes. What an incredible strength we can draw from our children.
I watched Austin on Thanksgiving Day walking around the yard with my little sisters help. He looked like a fragile little bird, so weak and unsteady, but full of determination and zest. My heart melted at this sight. I can draw strength from him just by looking in his eyes. He wasn't in the yard but a few minutes but feeling the wind on his face did him a world of good. I just went out front and let the breeze fall on my face and I can understand the refreshing feeling he must have gotten from that.
Keeping praying... God listens!
Love, Tina

Wednesday, November 27, 2002 at 10:51 AM (CST)

Austin is home and doing well. We are so very blessed to be home for Thanksgiving and I have many blessing to count. Thank you for all of your continued prayers and support. He is such an amazing child and each day is a gift.
We are having to keep Austin under lock and key (what a challenge) and we will go back to Birmingham for clinic on Monday.
Thank you for all of the love and prayers.
Tina

Thursday, November 21, 2002 at 10:05 PM (CST)

My little one is finally sleeping so I snuck out to the nurses station to journal. Austin has had a good day and we are counting the days until Saturday night when chemo ends. FYI- Smurf chemo really does make you pee blue!!!
We are looking forward to Thanksgiving. It has always been one of my favorite holidays. As always, I have many blessing to be thankful for.
Austin has been spiking temps today but we are hoping it is from the chemo and not an infection. He is doing well overall and continues to amaze the doctors.
Goodnight my friends, Tina

Wednesday, November 20, 2002 at 10:06 PM (CST)

I could not journal yesterday because the hospital computers would not go on line. Austin is doing well, he has his ups and downs with nausea and vomiting but gets through it and keeps on keeping on. He will be finished with his chemo on Saturday and I can't wait. We have been up here for one month and I am ready for Austin to get a break. Even Spiderman gets a break sometimes.
The weather up here has been rainy today and it has reflected on my mood after Austin went to sleep. When "The Batchlor" didn't pick the girl from Alabama that took the cake. (And I don't even watch that show). I am trying to take one day, one moment at a time but at this moment it is hard. I still am in awe at how fast llife can change. In a split second your life can take a 180 degree turn and you can either accept it or ...accept it! God has helped me to realize that change can be a positive, no matter what the circumstanses. I miss my daughter terribly tonight but I know that in the big picture we will be back together very soon. I cherish my babies and I thank God daily for giving me the opportunity to take care of them and love them.
Hold on to your children and love them as much as you can. When I ask my children, "Do you know how much I love you?" they reply "Up to the sky and back".

Monday, November 18, 2002 at 09:30 PM (CST)

Austin has had a very good night. He is acting so silly that it reminds me of months past. His fighting spirit is so amazing.
We started chemo today with a spinal tap. NO BLASTS WERE PRESENT!!! Tomorrow we add a new chemo drug that is Smurf blue. Austin is excited that he will be tinkling blue. (The things that amaze little boys). This round is much stronger than we have ever had. We are praying for no infection, fungus, fever, or tummy aches.
Love, Tina

Saturday, November 16, 2002 at 07:30 PM (CST)

I came home this weekend to spend some much needed time with Meagan while Jimmy spent time with Austin. How fast time goes by when you are spending priceless time with loved ones. My children are "my hearts" and being split between them is undescribable. I am so fortunate to have such an incredible support system that nurtures me via phone line, email, and cards. Thank you for continuing to lift all of us up in prayer.
Austin is back in a room and doing okay. He is still trying to bounce back from surgery but is being a brave little man. I spent time this weekend organizing scrapbook "stuff" and went through lots of pictures of the children when they were much younger. I cannot believe how much they have changed and how much they have remained the same. This journey that we are all going through is changing all of us is many ways. I do not believe that God ever allows you to go through anything unless there is growth in the plan. I have found an inner strength that I never knew I had. Maybe I did, I just had it buried deep inside. God has helped me find it.
I Love You my friends, Tina

Friday, November 15, 2002 at 04:00 PM (CST)

Austin is off of the vent!!! There really was no choice but to wheen him off of it because he had mastered playing Nintendo while on it... there was nothing else left to do.
I am so proud of Austin. He has such a fighting spirit and a super will to live. Thank you for praying for our little man, he is so special.
Hug you children. Tina

Wednesday, November 13, 2002 at 07:26 PM (CST)

Dear Friends,
Austin underwent surgery yesterday to find out why he was experiencing so much pain, vomiting, and fevers. They did not find any infection in his abdomen or appendix. It was a hematoma causing all of the trouble. They closed him up without having to do anything. What a great end to a very scarey day. Thanks be to God.
Austin is in PICU until he can recover from the surgery and is receiving platelets and other blood products to help heal his abdomen. He is resting comfortably and hopefully will be off of the repirator by tommorow afternoon. Chemo is still being postponed and his blood work is good. No "blast cells" have shown up in his daily blood work yet.
I am thankful for this little boy who continues to be an example of God's grace and presence. Thank you for your prayers and love.
Love, Tina

Monday, November 11, 2002 at 05:06 PM (CST)

Austin is continuing to multiple his fighting cells. His white count is 14,000 and his fighting cells are now up to around 5,000. Prayers are continuing to bless us each moment of the day.
Dr. Watts is trying to wait on starting his chemo until at least mid week to continue to let his counts recover.
I will try to keep this updated as much as possible.
Love, Tina

Friday, November 08, 2002 at 06:51 PM (CST)

Today we were given the news that Austin has relapsed. This is not the news that any parent wants to hear but now we have to move past all of the tears and fears and start anew.
Austin is such a fighter and his spirit is so strong that we cannot stop hoping and praying.
Austin still has an infection in his abdomen and as soon as it gets under control they are going to start more chemo. Austin's doctor would like to have him back in remission within 4 wks. and go immediately to transplant.
Please continue to pray for both of our children and please get on the bone marrow donor list if you are not registered. Fairhope United Methodist Church is going to do a drive soon.
Thank you for you continued support.
Tina

Tuesday, November 05, 2002 at 10:11 PM (CST)

Austin was throwing up just a while ago and when he finished he turned around and squirted his nurses with pink and black silly string. The thought "boys will be boys" comes to mind. He is such a character. I truly enjoy my children!
AUSTIN HAS TWO FIGHTING CELLS TODAY---yeah!!! We are off to a great start. His white count is holding at 1000. He is such a stong child and I am so proud of him.
I know that I say it often but I do love hearing from everyone. I am so blessed with the friends and family that I have.
May God Bless You,
Tina-

Monday, November 04, 2002 at 06:34 PM (CST)

This weekend Jimmy and I traded places and I went home Saturday morning and spent the night with Meagan. I enjoyed every moment with her, even if time did go by too fast. What a burst of fresh air that child is!
Austin's CT scan today revealed that his lung infection is clearing up. It also revealed that he has two other infections, one in the bowels and one in the appendix. Right now he does not have enough fighting cells to have surgery so they have changed his antibiotics to help cover the infection. He has had a very challenging time lately. Chemo is still being postponed until he bounces back.
My prayer is that God will continue to give him the strength he needs to keep fighting.

Tuesday, October 29, 2002 at 04:42 AM (CST)

I am thankful for your constant prayers, cards, emails, and phone calls. They help so very much. It is not easy being up here sometimes. Austin and I miss home and being away from family and friends. Having a link to talk to you is very helpful.
Austin is continuing to fight this battle with all his might. His chest CT revealed an infection in his lungs that is being treated with medication. He is such a big boy that he is taking his tylenol in tablet form. (One less liquid to beg him to take.) They have postponed his chemo for a little while until his counts start to recover. He does not have any "fighting cells" right now. He does have a strong voice ("get out of here", "leave me alone") and a mean left hook!
If you see my beautiful Meagan give her a big hug from mom. I miss her so much.
May God bless your day today.
Love, Tina

Sunday, October 27, 2002 at 06:48 PM (CST)

Austin has been moved to a room (#443) and he is doing better. We are still fighting some battles but with God's help we will be feeling better soon.
Thank you for your continued prayers,
Love Tina

Saturday, October 26, 2002 at 12:33 AM (CDT)

Austin is in PICU with a yucky infection that is messing up his blood pressure and heart rate. As always, he is putting up a terrific fight. Please keep him in your prayers as this is a very delicate time right now.

Wednesday, October 16, 2002 at 04:37 PM (CDT)

Every time that Austin and I come back to Children's I feel as though I am coming "home". Everything is so familiar and comfortable, everyone has a common denominator. I have gotten close to so many families. You share an incredible bond with most of these people.
Last night at 4:50 p.m. my little 19 mth. old friend Riley went to be with Jesus. I felt so much pain. Even though we were all waiting for this moment, no one felt fully prepared. All I could do was cry. His mom and I have become good friends and I was just aching for her. Yes, I was so glad that Riley will never again have to suffer. He is running around heaven chasing frogs and skipping stones. I realized that that could have been my child and how blessed and grateful I am for Austin's daily healing. I realize also, that things like this scare me too. This morning at 10:15 a.m. an 8 yr. old girl also died. I wanted to scoop Austin up and run with him- as far away as I could. I wanted him in a safe place.
What I have learned from this is that Austin is in a safe place. When he was diagnosed I gave him to God. I asked for His will for my son. It wasn't hard to do. I cannot protect Austin from this cancer BUT I do know that God can. He has filled us with strength and perserverance. God is so strong and can equip us when we have any problem. "Thy grace is sufficient".
Thank you for loving and praying for us,
Tina

Tuesday, October 15, 2002 at 03:41 PM (CDT)

Hello friends,
Austin is doing great on his last round of "Doctor- Doctor". After this we will get to go home until his counts recover before more chemo. He is still so full of energy.
While we were home, we had to go see Dr. Bishop and have our central line checked. Meagan went with us, and the two of them ran around the office like two wild ones. It was wonderful to see. We also went by the Golf store and the kids played golf with Mr. Phillip. Things seemed so normal. I am thankful for the time we get at home. It rejuvenates us before coming back.
Thank you for you continued prayers.
Love, Tina

Tuesday, October 08, 2002 at 09:51 PM (CDT)

Austin is still doing exceptionally well. I am so proud of him. He continues to amaze me with his strength and courage. We are going to get another small break between chemos and we cannot wait!!!

*** For those of you who know Joel McManus: He arrived yesterday with mom and dad and is receiving more chemo in preparation for stem cell. Please keep them in your prayers.

Love, Tina

Monday, October 07, 2002 at 10:05 AM (CDT)

This morning we are playing in the activity room. Things are so different this visit. Austin is so VERY chatty that I feel like he is getting more glucose than chemo. He is a hoot! He is doing well and we look forward to finishing this round.
Meagan and Jimmy came up this weekend and Austin enjoyed played with his sissy. When they left I felt as if part of my heart left with Meagan. Please continue to prayer for Meagan, she is missing us so much. She is such a super child and she is being so brave. She and Jimmy are having fun together and this week she gets to be a cheerleader at school. Austin is looking forward to seeing her do some cheers.
I am very greatful to be able to jounal to our friends. It is an incredible way to reach out to you and also read all of the wonderful emails. Thank you for continuing to lift us up in pray.
Love, Tina

Saturday, October 05, 2002 at 08:28 PM (CDT)

Thank you so very much for all of the prayers. Austin is doing very good. He came through surgery fine and is sleeping well.
God's blessing to you,
Tina

Friday, October 04, 2002 at 09:18 PM (CDT)

Today Austins "main line" started coming out so the Dr.s stopped chemo and will replace the line in surgery tomorrow morning at 10:00 am. Please keep him in your prayers, today was a tough day for our little buddy.
God Bless,
Tina

Friday, October 04, 2002 at 09:18 PM (CDT)

Today Austins "main line" started coming out so the Dr.s stopped chemo and will replace the line in surgery tomorrow morning at 10:00 am. Please keep him in your prayers, today was a tough day for our little buddy.
God Bless,
Tina

Thursday, October 03, 2002 at 11:34 PM (CDT)

Hello Friends,
Austin and I are settled in and I am already missing our family. BUT, we do have a family up here and everyone was so glad to see Austin. He is already gearing up to spray the staff with his Silly String.
Austin is sleeping now. They started the chemo at 5:05 pm so we should finish on Monday night. This has been a very long day, there is nothing fun about sitting in clinic playing fruit basket turnover all day. Austin has been grumpy and it rubbed off on me. I realized that we bounded out of bed this morning and didn't thank God for this day or the fact that we were a part of it. Instead of being greatful for "where we are", I was not being greatful for "where we are". Hope that makes sense. Each day God leaves us a gift- we just have to open it.
We are so very blessed for having such incredible support system.
God Bless,
Tina

Wednesday, September 25, 2002 at 04:34 PM (CDT)

We are in remission!!!!!!!!
What this means is that the cancer cells have been destroyed and now they will do 6 to 9 more months of chemo to make sure that no more bad cells reproduce. It also gives us a little longer at home. (Six days) We will come back into the hospital next Thursday to start our 96 hour chemo again.
Thank you for praying for us and please continue to lift Austin up.
Love, Tina

Wednesday, September 25, 2002 at 12:16 PM (CDT)

WE ARE IN REMISSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, September 24, 2002 at 10:34 PM (CDT)

Austin spent most of his day laughing and smiling. He beat me at air hockey this morning and this afternoon his physical therapist let him ride a bike (with training wheels) back up to his room. Each day he gets stronger and we are hoping for great news tomorrow. We are ready to come home and visit daddy and Sissy. If ISADORE will stay away we will be home very soon. Thank you for your love and kindness. Your prayers really are helping us through each day.
God Bless You,
Tina

Monday, September 23, 2002 at 12:21 PM (CDT)

Austin and I busted out of our room and came over to Childrens Harbor together to check our web page. He is having a great morning. We have lots og fighting cells now and are gearing up to come home for a little visit soon. We have our bone marrow test Wednesday a.m. and that will decide how long of a break we get.
Thank you for your continued prayers.
We love you,
Mom and Austin


A note from Austin: vbxbxyldueur8e8iwydifgkrieorjfkgogirufobkckjcjjjkksisieffshq

Saturday, September 21, 2002 at 05:00 PM (CDT)

Hello Everyone,
Today we have even more "fighting cells" and we have been fever free for over 24 hours. We are so thankful. Each day that we make progress we are a day closer to coming home for a few days between treatments.
Thank you for your continued prayers. We really do feel them and God really does hear them.
Love, Tina

Friday, September 20, 2002 at 11:36 AM (CDT)

The Doctors just came to see Austin and guess what?
WE HAVE SOME FIGHTING CELLS!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are so excited. The fighting cells help us to fight infection and also feel better.
They have scheduled a bone marrow aspiration for next Wednesday to see if we are in remission yet... keep praying.
If we are in remission, they are going to proceed with chemo for six more months and then reconsider other options.
Thank you ALL for standing by us day by day.
We love you,
Tina

Thursday, September 19, 2002 at 09:10 PM (CDT)

I was able to sneak home yesterday afternoon and spend the night with May-May. I was home for such a short time and it went by so very fast but the time was priceless. That little girl is so full of life that it makes my heart ache to be away from her. On Saturday we will have been away from Fairhope for one month. Yikes! You have made it so much easier to be away by your words of encouragement and all of the prayers. Thanks to all of you for sticking by us during this difficult time.
Austin has been battling a cold this week and now has a sinus infection. We are taking it day by day and doing well. Thank you for your continued prayers.
Love,
Tina

Monday, September 16, 2002 at 09:25 PM (CDT)

As we slept last night, a 15 year old little girl went to be with Jesus. Her name was Holly. Before I went to bed I saw family and friends surrounding her room with love and support, and also saying their I Love You's and goodbyes. This morning her room was empty and ready to be filled with another sick child. I was very sad. Later I realized that she was running around Heaven and having the time of her life. That made me smile.
I also realize that God has blessed me (and my family) with such an incredible support system. We can lean on so many that love and care for us. I am still amazed at the number of emails we get. They are so uplifting. At times like these it is wonderful to know you have so much love and prayers going up for Austin. I feel Gods presence with me all during the day. The nurses here are incredible and show a great deal of patience and love to all of these child.
Thank you for continuing to pray for Austin and his family. We truly feel everyone one of these.

On a lighter note, 2 Alabama football players came to see Austin today, Wes Britt and Trishad?? Luke. They gave him an autographed t-shirt from the head coach. He was thrilled. He showed them his autographed Auburn football- they were not thrilled.

God Bless You,
Tina

Saturday, September 14, 2002 at 07:48 PM (CDT)

Meagan is now running the unit on 4 Tower. She has made friends with all of the nurses and talked the doctors ears off this morning. She has been a breath of fresh air for all of us. She is now giving Austin his Tylenol from a syringe. He is loving being with her. Jimmy and I could leave and he wouldn't notice. At this moment, she is in the bed with him watching Harry Potter. God has truly blessed us with precious children.
Austin is still battling an unknown infection and high fever, but his spirit is great with Sissy around.
Tosha went home this morning----- Praise God. She will come back on Tuesday for some more treatments but she is doing much better. Tyler is still in PICU holding his own. Thank you for praying for our friends. Prayers do work.
Love, Tina

Saturday, September 14, 2002 at 07:48 PM (CDT)

Meagan is now running the unit on 4 Tower. She has made friends with all of the nurses and talked the doctors ears off this morning. She has been a breath of fresh air for all of us. She is now giving Austin his Tylenol from a syringe. He is loving being with her. Jimmy and I could leave and he wouldn't notice. At this moment, she is in the bed with him watching Harry Potter. God has truly blessed us with precious children.
Austin is still battling an unknown infection and high fever, but his spirit is great with Sissy around.
Tosha went home this morning----- Praise God. She will come back on Tuesday for some more treatments but she is doing much better. Tyler is still in PICU holding his own. Thank you for praying for our friends. Prayers do work.
Love, Tina

Friday, September 13, 2002 at 08:06 PM (CDT)

Jimmy and Meagan arrived this afternoon and it is the best medicine that Austin has had yet. He was so excited to see them. He kept kissing Meagan and telling her how much he loves her! I should have recorded it for years from now when they are battling it out over the front seat of the car or that last OREO in the bag. Anyway, I am glad to see Austin light up! And since Daddy has arrived he is much better at taking his meds. He and Daddy have missed each other!
This has been such a long week and I am so glad when I get to sit down and read all of the messages on this web page. We feel your prayers and we are very thankful for them.
Love, Tina

Monday, September 09, 2002 at 10:39 PM (CDT)

Austin is sleeping now so I bribed a nurse to let me use their computer to write an update.
Austin has done great with his chemo and today ended this round! Now we are going to build up our "fighting cells" to see how well it is going. As some of you have already heard, Meagan was not a match for the stem cell transplant. The doctors are going to evaluate how well he is doing after the end of the 24 day cycle with a bone marrow aspiration; from there they will decide the next step. Our goal for now is no fever- one day at a time.
Thank you for all of the wonderful emails. They really help lift our spirits.
Love in Christ, Tina


*Tosha, our friend with bone cancer, flies to Memphis at 6:00 in the morning for a consult. Her leg is still terribly infected and trying to reject the transplant. Tyler is still in PICU with several setbacks. Please continue to remember them in prayer.

Saturday, September 07, 2002 at 08:49 AM (CDT)

Good morning everyone.
Thank you for making our family feel so loved and cared for.
I am overwhelmed at the support that we have. God is good, all day long.
Austin is doing well. He is handling this "adventure" like a trooper. We are focusing on getting through this round of chemo, which ends at 12:45 on Monday!
Please continue to keep Austin and Meagan in your prayers.

*We have some little friends up here that need lots of prayers too. Tosha, a 13 yr. old, with bone cancer is having a hard time with her transplant. She is going to Memphis for a consult next week. They need lots of prayers.
Another friend, Tyler, is in PICU with a blood infection.
He is the football player that suffered heatstroke at ball practice. His family has become our family. I have made many new friends up here and I realize that I have many blessings in my life that others do not have. If you look around, you CAN find a rainbow in EVERY situation.
Thank you for your prayers,
Love Tina

Thursday, September 05, 2002 at 01:26 PM (CDT)

Austin has started his 96 hour chemo. He is feeling well and is being a very brave soldier! Everyone up here has been wonderful. I have been amazed at the strength and courage these children have.
Emma Schlessinger came by this morning after her monthly visit. What an inspiration! It was wonderful to see her so full of life and healthy.
God Bless,
Tina

Tuesday, September 03, 2002 at 12:23 PM (CDT)

Good morning friends. The doctors just left Austin's room so here is the latest... His blood count is rebuilding itself and we will start the next round of chemo on Thursday if all stays the same. This morning he was giggling at Cartoons, music to my ears. Each day is wonderful, even if it is filled with some not so wonderful moments. Hug your children and tell them just how much you love them.
Please continue to PRAY, PRAY, PRAY and write to us when you can. It is so nice to hear from friends that care.
Gods Blessing To You All!

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Friday, August 30, 2002 at 04:49 PM (CDT)

Today has been a day full of good friends. We have enjoyed the support, both in person, and through cards and prayers. Austin's blood count is now in the 200's and and in the next few days they are going to start slowly getting him off of the vent. please keep the prayers coming, we need them. Please pray that God will send that perfect match for a transplant.
I will not be able to update the web page again until Tuesday because of the holiday.
God Bless each of you!
Tina, Jimmy, and Meagan

Thursday, August 29, 2002 at 04:08 PM (CDT)

Thank you for all of your prayers and love. Austin can feel it 24/7. So can the rest of us! Meagan is up visiting and is having a blast. She loves the "Harbor" and will probably be updating this page before she goes back home.

Our medical report for today was encouraging. His cell count has dropped from 141,000 to 356. The goal is to get it to 0. He is still in the middle of his 96 hr. chemo treatment and is holding his own.

Please continue to keep each of us in your prayers. WE CAN FEEL THEM. God has been such a comfort to us.

Thursday, August 29, 2002 at 04:08 PM (CDT)

Thank you for all of your prayers and love. Austin can feel it 24/7. So can the rest of us! Meagan is up visiting and is having a blast. She loves the "Harbor" and will probably be updating this page before she goes back home.

Our medical report for today was encouraging. His cell count has dropped from 141,000 to 356. The goal is to get it to 0. He is still in the middle of his 96 hr. chemo treatment and is holding his own.

Please continue to keep each of us in your prayers. WE CAN FEEL THEM. God has been such a comfort to us.

Thursday, August 29, 2002 at 03:54 PM (CDT)

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